July 8, 2025 • 33 mins
Ian tells the story of the craziest night of his life, a night at Uncle Chris’ trailer. Meet Uncle Chris and his two roommates: a man who just got out of prison and a retired stripper. This story has plenty of booze, guns and sex, as well as a tutorial on how to kill someone with your bare hands.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:15):
Hello there, and welcome to the Uncle Chris Podcast. Don't worry,
I don't really talk like that. It's just fun to
hear myself in the headphones, So forgive me if I
occasionally dip into this. My name is Ian Faff pfaff,
terrible to do over the phone because it doesn't make
a whole lot of sense, and there's a lot of
(00:36):
disagreement within my own family of how to pronounce it
path or faf. But hey, I'll save all that for
another podcast. So who am I? You might be wondering, Well,
you're going to get to know a lot about me.
Most of it's pretty embarrassing, but here are the basics.
I'm a forty year old guy who lives in Chicago
(00:56):
with my wife and two kids. I was born in Virginia.
My family and I moved to Minnesota when I was seven.
I have a mom and a dad that are still married,
and a younger sister. I was raised in Minnesota and
left when I was eighteen to go to art school
at the Savannah College of Art and Design in Savannah, Georgia.
My time spent in Savannah was very influential, and I'm
excited to introduce on this podcast some of the people
(01:19):
that made it such an amazing place. After college, I
lived in Chicago for a bit, then moved to Los Angeles.
I had a great time out there for about a
decade before eventually moving back to Chicago, and this is
where I've been for the last few years. I was
a film major at the Savannah College of Art and Design,
and I've been fortunate to have made a living doing
film and video stuff ever since, writing, editing, directing, working
(01:42):
at places like Funnier die MTV, in Nickelodeon. I even
made a movie. It was an experience that was a
disaster and complete nightmare on every level. So that's another
story for a different podcast. But this podcast is about
my uncle Chris and the enormous impact he had on
my life. An impact that I'm sure he was completely
(02:04):
unaware of, but an impact nonetheless. My uncle Chris was
a hard living garbage truck driver who spent most of
his life in South Carolina. He was into Confederate flags
and conspiracy theories before they were cool, a walking contradiction
on nearly every level. Uncle Chris was obsessed with being
physically fit. He worked out constantly. He was in great
(02:26):
shape he ate clean. He took supplements, but he also
chained smoked cigarettes that he bit the filters off of,
and he could polish off a bottle of whiskey in
a knife. My uncle Chris was a hard man to
like and an easy man to judge. But despite his flaws,
I've always had a huge soft spot in my heart
for him, and maybe by the end of this you
(02:48):
will too. Working on this podcast has given me a
chance to learn a lot more about it. A bona
fide Southern redneck who began and ended his life in Panama.
In fact, he is currently buried in Panama City in
the same crypt as the founding Families of Panama. We'll
(03:08):
have more on that later. I can't think about my
uncle Chris without thinking about the craziest night of my life.
It's a story I've told a million times. Even though
the story is fun to tell at a party, it
exists within the context of so many other stories, unrelated
(03:29):
stories from other people's lives. Over the next few episodes,
you're going to hear a lot of these different stories.
Love stories, adventure stories, funny stories, sad stories, and literal
war stories. Cross country bike trips, hitchhiking, train hopping, floating
down the Mississippi River, tribal war parties, deep in the jungle,
(03:50):
an island full of murderers and crocodiles, runaways, prostitutes, ex
cons and killers, first hand accounts from growing up on
Chicago's South Side and in Sarajevo during the war in Bosnia,
and the depressing realization that these two different experiences are
eerily similar. Some of these stories I've heard my whole life,
while others I've been collecting over the years. But I've
(04:13):
found that they all managed to weave together in ways
that help me understand what I went through on the
craziest night of my life. It's an experience that's given
me a lot to think about, reflecting on ideas like family, love, luck, support, privilege.
Is the world ever fair? Are people inherently good? Or
is everyone out to get you? How do you know
(04:34):
who you are in the world? Does the world care
about who you are in the world? You know, a
real exustential shit who knows man? Maybe we'll even get
one step closer to figuring it all out. For me,
this whole project comes down to this. I can't think
about my uncle Chris without thinking about the craziest night
(04:55):
of my life. And I can't think about the craziest
night of my life without thinking about my uncle Chris.
So here we go, episode number one, Gun under the Pillow,
Frasier on TV. Here's my first memory of Uncle Chris.
(05:25):
I was five years old and he took me out
to my parents' garage and showed me how to clean
a Bretta. For those of you don't know, it's the
same gun that Mel Gibson uses in lethal Weapon. Anyhow,
I was five years old and I remember holding this
very heavy, very real gun, and I thought it was
pretty cool. And then my mom steps into the garage,
sees what's going on, and immediately starts yelling at my
(05:47):
uncle Chris and takes the gun away. My second memory
of Uncle Chris is from when I was ten. It
was Christmas Day and we were passing the phone around
and I got to talk to him and wish him
a merry Christmas. He apologized that he forgot to send
a present, but said he'd make it up to me
and promised that when I was sixteen, he would take
me to a strip club and make a man out
of me. My mom heard what he said, yanked the
(06:08):
phone out of my hand, started yelling at him, and
that was that. My third memory of my uncle Chris
is from when I was seventeen years old. The whole
family was visiting him in Charleston, South Carolina, and we
were grabbing lunch at a subway and as I was
standing next to him in line, I noticed that he
was wearing a leather fanny pack. So I asked him,
what's up with a fanny pack? He immediately unzips it,
(06:29):
pulls out a gun and says protection. My mom saw
the gun, started yelling at him and that was that.
That's my uncle Chris. So a couple years later, when
I knew that I was going to have to spend
a night in his trailer, I was a little nervous.
I figured anything could happen. The story I'm about to
tell you took place nearly twenty years ago. Back in
(06:50):
two thousand and six, when I was twenty one years old,
I went to college in Savannah, Georgia, and while I
was there, my grandpa, who lived in Panama, had a
car that he would use in the States, but since
he was no longer going up to the States, he
said I could drive the car while I was in college,
so now that I was graduating, he asked me to
give his car to my uncle Chris. For the last
six months leading up to graduation, I had a big
(07:12):
plan that I was getting ready for. I was going
to do a cross country bike trip from Savannah up
to Maine. More on that later. So my plan was
to drop off the car with my uncle in South Carolina,
get on the bike, and begin my trip. Uncle Chris
lived near Cottageville, South Carolina, which is about a two
(07:33):
hour drive from Savannah. It was two thousand and six.
For those of you who are younger listeners. In two
thousand and six, YouTube just came out. There were no smartphones.
It was just flip phones and brick phones, and if
you needed to get anywhere, you would have to print
out directions from map Quest. So here I am and
my grandpa's MOSD Protege with my bike sticking out of
(07:55):
the trunk, driving down some random rural roads in the
middle of who knows where, South Carolina, looking at a
list of map quest directions, trying to find my uncle's trailer.
It was around sunset when I pulled into his trailer park,
which was this massive green field surrounded by swamp and forest.
There were probably a dozen other double wide trailers spread out,
(08:17):
and there were these dogs running around, mean looking dogs.
They were big, matted fur They looked pretty rough, no
pun intended. So as I pull up, these dogs start
running around the car, barking like crazy, and I see
my uncle Chris, who I hadn't seen in a while,
(08:39):
standing outside of his trailer. Grilly. My uncle Chris is
probably about five to five. He's wearing a black tank
top and camouflage pants, kind of like Sergeant's slaughter. He's
in pretty good shape. He's got olive skin, dark brown hair,
with a long mullet and handlebar mustache and piercing green eyes.
Try to picture Joe Dirt mixed with Tom Selk. So anyhow,
(09:02):
I pull up and these dogs are barking and going crazy,
circling the car, and as I get out, he sees
me and gives me a nod kind of waves and
then asks how's my car. Throughout the course of the night,
he kept referring to my grandpa's car as his car,
and seemed much more interested in the car than me.
So to give you a sense of where my head
(09:23):
was at I had this big bike trip coming up,
and not everybody thought it was the best idea. In fact,
I had a few people telling me it was a
terrible idea. But I was committed to it, and in
the morning I was going to leave on this big
solo bike trip up the East Coast. I didn't have
much of it planned out. The idea was to wing it,
(09:44):
kind of like my own version of on the Road.
All of this to say that as I pulled up
to Uncle Chris's trailer and got out of the car
with these dogs barking like crazy, I was already pretty nervous.
And then I met Chris's roommates. This massive guy comes
out of the trailer. I'm six foot five and this
(10:05):
guy is taller than me, a huge guy with this long,
stringy ponytail, a lazy eye, and a very rough, scraggly mustache.
He looked like Lemmy for Motorhead mixed with Lemmy for Motorhead.
Just a very intense looking guy. His name was Glenn,
and Glenn was with a lady named Kitty Cat, and
(10:25):
Kitty Cat had a very sweet smile, but you could
tell right away that she's been around and she's seen
some stuff. Glenn doesn't say a word, He just kind
of sizes me up. But Kitty Cat comes out beaming
with this huge smile on her face. Oh you must
be Ian. She comes out and gives me this big hug.
She yells at the dogs they stop barking, and then
(10:46):
she invites me inside. Meanwhile, Glenn's just standing there, arms crossed,
looking me up and down, and Uncle Chris continues to grill.
Uncle Chris had a lot of personality. There were booze
bottles everywhere. The carpet was maybe at one point a
(11:06):
cream color, but had become a dark brown gray with
parts of it torn up. Other parts of the carpet
were like dreadlocks. There were cigarette butts everywhere, and instead
of curtains, there was a variety of Confederate and don't
tread on me flags hanging or stabled to the window frames.
As I come in, Kitty Cat is talking a mile
a minute, super friendly, very excited to have me there.
(11:29):
Kitty Cat wants to show me a picture of her
daughter and holds up a framed yearbook photo of a
girl who looks to be about fourteen or fifteen years
old to put it as delicately as I can. The
girl in the photo looked like she could very easily
have been a guest on the Jerry Springer Show. All
you need to know is that I was very polite
when I said, oh, Kitty Cat, she's beautiful. So Uncle
(11:59):
Chris final he comes in, dinner's ready. As we're having dinner,
Uncle Chris officially introduces me to his roommates, Glenn and
Kitty Kat, and this is when he explains that Glenn
had just been released from prison about two weeks ago
and was staying with Chris to get back on his feet.
Kitty Cat was Glenn's woman, a retired stripper from Chattanooga
who showed up once she heard he got out. Chris
(12:21):
made it very clear that while Glenn and Kittycat were there,
they were the help, kind of like a butler and maid.
So as we're having dinner, the three of them are
pretty drunk at this point, and Uncle Chris asks me
about what I'm up to. I tell him that I
just graduated college. He starts referring to me as college
boy and wants to know why college boy has a
bike in his car, So I tell him about my trip.
(12:44):
I'm going a bike from his trailer all the way
up to Maine and spend my whole summer on the
road having an adventure. They start asking me all sorts
of questions, where are you going to stay? So I
tell him that I have a tent and a sleeping bag,
and the plan is to just sleep wherever I can.
It's all part of the adventure. They asked what I
was going to do for food, and I tell them
that I only have a little bit of money, but
(13:05):
I've brought a guitar, and the plan was to panhandle
with the guitar to make some money whenever I could,
but otherwise I learned how to dumpster dive. Any food
that I might need I could get from dumpsters along
the way. That's right, dumpster diving. We're going to cover
dumpster diving in a later episode. But for those of
you who are unfamiliar are grossed out by the name,
(13:26):
yes it does involve going into dumpsters and finding food,
but I assure you it's much grosser sounding than it
actually is. Your mind would be blown away by the
amount of high quality, safe food that just gets thrown out.
But I will evangelize on that in a later episode
I digress back to the dinner. The dumpster diving comment
(13:48):
really gets Chris's attention, and he starts going off on me.
He wants to know why I would go to college
to eat out of dumpsters and sleep outside. Why would
a college graduate want to be homeless? And I'm trying
to explain to him that it's not about being homeless,
it's all about going out into the world and experiencing
the world. At this point, Glenn chimes in. Up until
(14:08):
now he has been completely silent, just watching and listening,
but now he's decided to let me have it and
tells me how stupid I am. He tells me how
dangerous the idea is, looks right into my eyes and says,
if you weren't Chris's nephew, I would have killed you
by now and taken all your shit. So at this point,
(14:31):
whatever nervousness or anxiety I was feeling is now off
the charts. I am terrified. This giant, lazy eyed, mustached
maniac is looking into my eyes telling me that he
would have already killed me if he could have. But
Uncle Chris gets to my defense. Glenn, knock it off,
(14:51):
that's my sister's son. Glenn backs down and decides to
switch gears. He wants to know what I'm going to
do to protect myself. Insists that there's going to be
a lot of people out there just like him, and
it's important that I know how to keep myself safe.
So the first question he asks is if I'm armed.
Do I have a gun? I tell him I don't.
(15:12):
Next question, do you have a knife? I show him
that I have a leatherman. He explains that doesn't count
as a knife. At this point, Glenn and Chris decide
it's important to teach me how to kill someone with
my bare hands. At this point, Glenn and Chris decide
it's important to teach me how to kill someone with
(15:34):
my bare hands, and dinner is immediately over. They grab
a bottle of whiskey and take me outside to the
back of the trailer where there's this big thing covered
in a blue tarp. They pull the blue tarp and
reveal a big punching bag hanging from a metal frame.
(15:54):
Uncle Chris tells me to punch the bag. Come on,
and you gotta punch that bag. I see Glenn with
his arms crossed watching me as I walk over and
punch the bag, having never really punched anything before, and
it's pitiful. Glenn and Chris can't believe their eyes and
tell me to punch it again. I punch it again,
(16:15):
trying to do like a good punch, but I have
no clue what I'm doing and it's absolutely pathetic. So
Uncle Chris pushes me aside and says, I you gotta
punch that bag. Get your hips into it. So he
starts showing me how to punch by lining up his
fist and rotating his elbow back with his hips so
his hips are turning his torso it's like he's an
(16:35):
action figure that if you twist the hips, it makes
the hand punch. And he keeps saying, get your hips
into it. Come on in, I want you to fuck
that bag. Fuck that bag, as he starts punching it
with his hips over and over, and then Glenn starts yelling, yeah, boy,
(16:58):
you gotta fuck that bad So now it's my turn,
my turn to fuck the bag. Chris steps out of
the way and I do my best. I swing my hips,
I swing my fist, and much to my surprise, I
see that this technique actually works. It's like a good
way to punch, but still not good enough because I suck.
(17:36):
It seems like I'm a lost cause and I will
not be punching anyone to death, which to me seems
like a good thing, but to Glenn and Chris this
is real bad news. Glenn looks at me and very
seriously says people are gonna try to kill you, and
he means it. So Glenn and Chris decide it's important
(17:58):
that they teach me some alternative moves. Since I won't
be able to punch anyone to death, you know, there's
other ways to kill people with your bare hands. I'm
happy to report that the following day I ended up
drawing a diagram and wrote all this down. There will
be a link to the official Uncle Chris's Guide to
Death in the show notes. They taught me ten different
ways to kill someone with your bare hands, and each
(18:19):
technique was demonstrated to me and on me by my
uncle Chris. You're my top five favorites. Number one, if
you punch someone in the fifth or sixth vertebrate between
the shoulder blades, you will snap the spinal quote, instantly
paralyzing likely killing the target. This was demonstrated on my
(18:43):
back Luckily he didn't punch me, but he did show
me with his knuckle which vertebrae it hit. Number two,
a knife punch, which is basically a karate chop to
the temple will kill someone instantly. Number three, a karate
chop but not a knife punch to the vegas nerve
will take out your opponent. The vegas nerve is the
(19:06):
nerve that runs up the side of your neck, and
apparently if you hit it the right way, it'll make
the brain explode or cause a stroke or something like that.
Number four, if you punch and shatter the collarbone right
in the center, the target will drown in their own blood.
And number five, my favorite, if you separate the sternum
(19:27):
with the fingertips, you can punch the heart, causing it
to explode. My uncle Chris comes up real close, takes
his index finger and middle finger and begins to poke
me right in the sternum. It sounded like this, you
can probably hear it on the microphone, and he says,
if you hit this hard enough, you'll snap the cartilage
(19:48):
around the sternum and the sternum will stab the heart.
So pretty soon he's hitting me over and over and
over in the sternum harder and harder to give me
a sense of how a sternum might snap and how
the bone might stab your heart and possibly make it explode.
As they've been teaching me, They've also been drinking quite
a bit of the whiskey and get into a pretty
big argument over exactly how the sternum thing works. Do
(20:11):
you use the sternum itself to stab the heart or
do you just break the sternum and get it out
of the way and stab the heart with your fingertips.
Either way, this argument turns into a drunken fistfight between
Uncle Chris and Glenn. As I'm standing there watching, trying
not to get hit. I'm saved by the bell with
Kitty Cat standing in the doorway. She wants me to
(20:32):
come inside and talk to her daughter. At this point,
(20:55):
I'm pretty freaked out. Glenn's made it clear that he
wishes he could kill me. My check hurts from getting
pounded in the sternum, my hips are sore from fucking
the bag, and now I'm beyond nervous and very happy
to go into the trailer and talk to Kitty Cat's daughter.
Kitty Cat's holding a phone with this huge smile on
her face. As I walk in, She's got her hand
(21:16):
over the mouthpiece and says, my daughter wants to talk
to you. So I take the phone and use like
a real nice hey, I'm talking to a kid voice,
and I say, oh hello, I just hear this real
quiet voice. Hey, what's up? Oh you know nothing? What's
up with you? I hear you? Like what she say? Oh,
(21:36):
my mom said you saw my picture? Do you think
I'm beautiful? Oh? Yeah, it's a very nice picture that
your mom showed me. I can come over a few
montent me two. I'm going to spare you the reenactment
of the rest of the conversation, but let's just say
that things escalated quite a bit, and Kittykat's daughter offered
to come over and said that she would be more
(21:58):
than willing to do a variety of things for me
and to me if i'd like pretty soon. I was
at a loss for words and handed the phone back
to Kittycat and said something like, uh, no, thank you,
here's your mom. At this point, I don't know where
to go. Glenn and Chris are still fighting outside. I
can hear them just beating the shit out of each other,
and Kitty Kat is on the phone looking at me,
(22:20):
whispering into the mouthpiece, saying stuff like yeah he's tall,
Yeah he's got a belly, but he's cute. Chris and
Glenn come in and they're now friends again. At this point,
Glenn has taken on a completely different tone. I'm sorry,
I was trying to kill you brother. Let's sit down,
(22:41):
look at a map and see if we can figure
out your trip. He takes me over to the dinner table,
opens up a big roadmap and asks me what my
plan is. I explained to him that there's really no
plan at all. The idea is to just have an adventure.
I'm excited to go out into the world for the
first time ever and see what happens. The only thing
I really have planned is tomorrow morning, I'm going to
(23:02):
wake up and bike up the coast until I get
to Maine. Luckily, Glenn has the map in front of
him and shows me that Chris's trailer is right next
to a national forest and surrounded by massive swamps. He
explains that it's at least an hour drive from where
Chris lives to the coast, so unless I want to
spend the first night of my trip, sleeping alone in
(23:23):
a swamp, I might want to adjust my plan. Glenn
says that in the morning he'll ride with me to
the coast and then drive my Grandpa's car back to
Chris's trailer. That way, I wouldn't have to bike through
the swamp and I could begin my trip on the coast.
Chris signed off on the plan, and we decided that
was the thing to do. At this point, Glenn and
(23:45):
Chris start encouraging me. They think the trip sounds great,
and they start swapping stories about the different times that
they were out on the road. A lot of these
stories evolved hitch hiking, beating up the person that picked
them up, or getting beaten up by the person that
picked them up, then beating that person up for beating
them up, stories of various people trying to kill them,
and them trying to kill various people for stealing their stuff.
(24:06):
The more stories that they told, the more I began
to really believe that the second I hit the road,
everyone was going to try to kill me. At this point,
I was legitimately freaking out. When I'd been planning the
strip in Savannah, all my college friends thought it sounded
like a great idea. We were all in the same
(24:29):
page that it was just a cool, fun, romantic adventure.
My parents and some other adults in my life were
the ones who kept telling me it was a terrible idea,
But I just figured they were coming at it from
more of an angle of no, you graduated from college
and now it's time to go get a job forever
the way I felt, they just didn't get what it
(24:51):
was I was trying to do, but all my friends did.
I was trying to go out and find myself before
I had to lose myself in a job. That's just
kind of the way me and everyone I knew at
the time looked at life and jobs and stuff. It
was not the beginning, it was the end. But at
(25:13):
this point, after Glenn and Chris continued sharing terrifying story
after terrifying story, I got legitimately scared. I excused myself
and went outside. I was officially scared at this point,
(25:35):
adrenaline kicking in fight or flight, and I don't know
where to go. I don't know what to do, pretty
overwhelmed by the whole idea of this self inflicted suicidal
death ride up the coast. So I do what any
self respecting mature college graduate does, and I call my parents,
and as I'm talking to my mom and dad, I
tell them that, you know, maybe you guys were right.
(25:57):
You know, maybe I'm not as prepared for this trip
as I thought I was. Maybe this trip isn't exactly
the right move. It's not exactly what I should be
doing with my time right now. And they are both
very relieved to hear me saying all this, and my dad,
trying to be supportive but also being a dad, says
something along the lines of, you know, I'm surprised it
took you this long to figure it out, but you're
(26:19):
making the right decision. We didn't really think you were
going to go through with it. We're glad you finally
came to your senses. That very dad like statement is
met by a very sunlike reaction, and it backfires. What
he just said makes me realize that, no, I have
to go on this trip. The whole point of this
trip was to put myself in scary situations to see
(26:40):
how I do. That's the whole point of adventure. And
I realize I'm scared right now, and this might be
the most scared I've ever been, but nothing's even happened yet,
so of course I have to go on the trip.
After this epiphany, I assure my mom and dad that
everything's fine. I'm just having cold feet, but I'm still
going to be leaving in the morning and they have
nothing to worry about. The trip is gonna be great.
(27:02):
As I get off the phone, Uncle Chris steps outside
the trailer. At this point, he's real drunk, and he
kind of stumbles down the stairs to come talk to me.
There's a trait that my uncle Chris had that I'll
cover in future episodes, where no matter how nasty he
could seem, there was always this sweetness to him. I
(27:22):
don't know if it was just like a glint in
the eye, but you could sense that he was a
very sweet, good person. And it's just that something happened,
something went wrong, and all that sweetness got buried under
so much other stuff. And in this moment I get
a sense of that sweetness. He gives me a big
(27:43):
hug and wishes me the best of luck on the trip.
I think it was the closest thing to a heart
to heart you could have with Uncle Chris, And in
that moment, I'm feeling this is crazy, this is scary,
but this guy's not gonna let anything happen to me.
Uncle Chris has got my back, and then we go
(28:08):
back inside. The music is blasting and Kitty Cat is
dancing around in her underwear. Glenn is hooting and hollering.
The bottle of whiskey is being passed around, and Kitty
Kat says, in want me to give you a dance.
She pushes me down onto the couch and before I
can even react, she's giving me a lap dance, with
Glenn cheering her on. Yeah, so much, you gat mama.
(28:30):
Uncle Chris starts yelling at both of them between poles
from the whiskey bottle. Stab it. That's my sister's son.
That's my sister's son. Kitty Kat looks at me while
she's given me this lap dance and says, you want
to see my tattoos. She takes off her bra and
panties and shows off the tattoos on her breasts and
the one of a rose right above her vagina. At
(28:53):
this point, I can't believe what's happening, and Uncle Chris
loses it. Stop it, that's my sister's I can shine
parties over. So now it's bedtime, and Uncle Chris lets
me know that I'll be sleeping on the couch, which
is right by the front door. He's a garbage truck
driver and has to leave it four in the morning,
so he gives me a good night hug and wishes
(29:14):
me good luck on the trip. As he's going to
his room, he stops and says, by the way, there's
some fellows from Charleston that are trying to kill me,
So if you hear a knock at the door, don't
open it. I don't know if he's joking or not,
so I look over to Glenn and Kittycat and see
that Glenn has a pretty serious expression on his face.
Glenn says that a couple weeks ago, Chris got in
(29:36):
a fight with some guys at a bar over someone's wife,
and a few of those fellas had shown up at
Chris's trailer about a week ago. My Uncle Chris did
manage to scare them away with his shotgun, but there's
a pretty good chance that they'd be coming back. Upon
hearing this, I probably look more terrified than I've looked
the whole night, and Uncle Chris notices he marches off
(29:57):
to his room and comes back with the machine gun
with a banana clip wrapped in a Confederate flag and
leans it against the wall. He looks at me and
smiles and says, just in case. Seeing this, kitty Cat
gets inspired and goes into her room and comes out
with a loaded revolver and puts it under my pillow
where I'll be sleeping on the couch. She smiles to
(30:19):
me and says, for protection. I don't know what to say.
I've never had to politely decline a gun before, and
right at this moment this is one hundred percent true.
The second after the guns are brought out, there's a
knock at the door. Everyone gets quiet, My heart skips
(30:40):
a beat, and Uncle Chris cautiously goes to the door,
the machine gun within reach. He cracks open the door
to see who's outside. All we can hear is some
mumbling back and forth, and after a few seconds the
mumbling becomes friendly, and then Chris goes and grabs two
(31:02):
beers and hands them through the door to his neighbor,
who I guess had run out of beers that night.
And that's it. The door closes. Chris goes to his
room Glenning Kittycat go to theirs, leaving me alone in
the living room, staring at a couch with a revolver
under the pillow and a loaded machine gun leaning against
the wall. I decide to sleep in the recliner instead,
(31:26):
and through the paper thin plywood walls of the trailer
I can hear Glenning Kittycat start to have sex in
the next room. Ah, your mama, Oh Mama. I find
the remote control, turn on the old TV and the
first thing that comes on is a scrambled episode of Frasier. Yeah,
(31:56):
and this is how the Craziest Night of My Life ends.
Me and a recliner, two guns within arm's reach, Glenn
and Kitty Kat making sweet sweet love in the other room,
while doctors Niles and Frasier Crane put together a list
(32:17):
for a dinner party. On the next episode, we're going
to do a little background on my uncle Chris's upbringing
(32:39):
my mom's side of the family, the Panamanians. So join
me next time for duels, adventures in the jungle, dictators,
more machine guns, and swords that still have blood on them.
Panama the Isthmus we go to for Christmas special thanks
(33:04):
to my lovely wife Missus faff for doing the voice
of Kitty Kat's daughter. Uncle Chris is a production by
Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network at iHeart Podcasts. It's
created and hosted by me Ian faff I, wrote, directed, scored,
edited and mixed this episode. The show is executive produced
by Hans Sanhi and Will Ferrell, and co produced by
(33:25):
Olivia Aguilar. If you want to see what else I'm
up to, go to ianfaff dot com or check out
my Instagram. Spring Break nineteen eighty four, Thanks for listening.
Hello there, and welcome to the Uncle Chris Podcast. Don't worry,
I don't really talk like that. It's just fun to
hear myself in the headphones, So forgive me if I
occasionally dip into this. My name is Ian Faff pfaff,
terrible to do over the phone because it doesn't make
a whole lot of sense, and there's a lot of
(00:36):
disagreement within my own family of how to pronounce it
path or faf. But hey, I'll save all that for
another podcast. So who am I? You might be wondering, Well,
you're going to get to know a lot about me.
Most of it's pretty embarrassing, but here are the basics.
I'm a forty year old guy who lives in Chicago
(00:56):
with my wife and two kids. I was born in Virginia.
My family and I moved to Minnesota when I was seven.
I have a mom and a dad that are still married,
and a younger sister. I was raised in Minnesota and
left when I was eighteen to go to art school
at the Savannah College of Art and Design in Savannah, Georgia.
My time spent in Savannah was very influential, and I'm
excited to introduce on this podcast some of the people
(01:19):
that made it such an amazing place. After college, I
lived in Chicago for a bit, then moved to Los Angeles.
I had a great time out there for about a
decade before eventually moving back to Chicago, and this is
where I've been for the last few years. I was
a film major at the Savannah College of Art and Design,
and I've been fortunate to have made a living doing
film and video stuff ever since, writing, editing, directing, working
(01:42):
at places like Funnier die MTV, in Nickelodeon. I even
made a movie. It was an experience that was a
disaster and complete nightmare on every level. So that's another
story for a different podcast. But this podcast is about
my uncle Chris and the enormous impact he had on
my life. An impact that I'm sure he was completely
(02:04):
unaware of, but an impact nonetheless. My uncle Chris was
a hard living garbage truck driver who spent most of
his life in South Carolina. He was into Confederate flags
and conspiracy theories before they were cool, a walking contradiction
on nearly every level. Uncle Chris was obsessed with being
physically fit. He worked out constantly. He was in great
(02:26):
shape he ate clean. He took supplements, but he also
chained smoked cigarettes that he bit the filters off of,
and he could polish off a bottle of whiskey in
a knife. My uncle Chris was a hard man to
like and an easy man to judge. But despite his flaws,
I've always had a huge soft spot in my heart
for him, and maybe by the end of this you
(02:48):
will too. Working on this podcast has given me a
chance to learn a lot more about it. A bona
fide Southern redneck who began and ended his life in Panama.
In fact, he is currently buried in Panama City in
the same crypt as the founding Families of Panama. We'll
(03:08):
have more on that later. I can't think about my
uncle Chris without thinking about the craziest night of my life.
It's a story I've told a million times. Even though
the story is fun to tell at a party, it
exists within the context of so many other stories, unrelated
(03:29):
stories from other people's lives. Over the next few episodes,
you're going to hear a lot of these different stories.
Love stories, adventure stories, funny stories, sad stories, and literal
war stories. Cross country bike trips, hitchhiking, train hopping, floating
down the Mississippi River, tribal war parties, deep in the jungle,
(03:50):
an island full of murderers and crocodiles, runaways, prostitutes, ex
cons and killers, first hand accounts from growing up on
Chicago's South Side and in Sarajevo during the war in Bosnia,
and the depressing realization that these two different experiences are
eerily similar. Some of these stories I've heard my whole life,
while others I've been collecting over the years. But I've
(04:13):
found that they all managed to weave together in ways
that help me understand what I went through on the
craziest night of my life. It's an experience that's given
me a lot to think about, reflecting on ideas like family, love, luck, support, privilege.
Is the world ever fair? Are people inherently good? Or
is everyone out to get you? How do you know
(04:34):
who you are in the world? Does the world care
about who you are in the world? You know, a
real exustential shit who knows man? Maybe we'll even get
one step closer to figuring it all out. For me,
this whole project comes down to this. I can't think
about my uncle Chris without thinking about the craziest night
(04:55):
of my life. And I can't think about the craziest
night of my life without thinking about my uncle Chris.
So here we go, episode number one, Gun under the Pillow,
Frasier on TV. Here's my first memory of Uncle Chris.
(05:25):
I was five years old and he took me out
to my parents' garage and showed me how to clean
a Bretta. For those of you don't know, it's the
same gun that Mel Gibson uses in lethal Weapon. Anyhow,
I was five years old and I remember holding this
very heavy, very real gun, and I thought it was
pretty cool. And then my mom steps into the garage,
sees what's going on, and immediately starts yelling at my
(05:47):
uncle Chris and takes the gun away. My second memory
of Uncle Chris is from when I was ten. It
was Christmas Day and we were passing the phone around
and I got to talk to him and wish him
a merry Christmas. He apologized that he forgot to send
a present, but said he'd make it up to me
and promised that when I was sixteen, he would take
me to a strip club and make a man out
of me. My mom heard what he said, yanked the
(06:08):
phone out of my hand, started yelling at him, and
that was that. My third memory of my uncle Chris
is from when I was seventeen years old. The whole
family was visiting him in Charleston, South Carolina, and we
were grabbing lunch at a subway and as I was
standing next to him in line, I noticed that he
was wearing a leather fanny pack. So I asked him,
what's up with a fanny pack? He immediately unzips it,
(06:29):
pulls out a gun and says protection. My mom saw
the gun, started yelling at him and that was that.
That's my uncle Chris. So a couple years later, when
I knew that I was going to have to spend
a night in his trailer, I was a little nervous.
I figured anything could happen. The story I'm about to
tell you took place nearly twenty years ago. Back in
(06:50):
two thousand and six, when I was twenty one years old,
I went to college in Savannah, Georgia, and while I
was there, my grandpa, who lived in Panama, had a
car that he would use in the States, but since
he was no longer going up to the States, he
said I could drive the car while I was in college,
so now that I was graduating, he asked me to
give his car to my uncle Chris. For the last
six months leading up to graduation, I had a big
(07:12):
plan that I was getting ready for. I was going
to do a cross country bike trip from Savannah up
to Maine. More on that later. So my plan was
to drop off the car with my uncle in South Carolina,
get on the bike, and begin my trip. Uncle Chris
lived near Cottageville, South Carolina, which is about a two
(07:33):
hour drive from Savannah. It was two thousand and six.
For those of you who are younger listeners. In two
thousand and six, YouTube just came out. There were no smartphones.
It was just flip phones and brick phones, and if
you needed to get anywhere, you would have to print
out directions from map Quest. So here I am and
my grandpa's MOSD Protege with my bike sticking out of
(07:55):
the trunk, driving down some random rural roads in the
middle of who knows where, South Carolina, looking at a
list of map quest directions, trying to find my uncle's trailer.
It was around sunset when I pulled into his trailer park,
which was this massive green field surrounded by swamp and forest.
There were probably a dozen other double wide trailers spread out,
(08:17):
and there were these dogs running around, mean looking dogs.
They were big, matted fur They looked pretty rough, no
pun intended. So as I pull up, these dogs start
running around the car, barking like crazy, and I see
my uncle Chris, who I hadn't seen in a while,
(08:39):
standing outside of his trailer. Grilly. My uncle Chris is
probably about five to five. He's wearing a black tank
top and camouflage pants, kind of like Sergeant's slaughter. He's
in pretty good shape. He's got olive skin, dark brown hair,
with a long mullet and handlebar mustache and piercing green eyes.
Try to picture Joe Dirt mixed with Tom Selk. So anyhow,
(09:02):
I pull up and these dogs are barking and going crazy,
circling the car, and as I get out, he sees
me and gives me a nod kind of waves and
then asks how's my car. Throughout the course of the night,
he kept referring to my grandpa's car as his car,
and seemed much more interested in the car than me.
So to give you a sense of where my head
(09:23):
was at I had this big bike trip coming up,
and not everybody thought it was the best idea. In fact,
I had a few people telling me it was a
terrible idea. But I was committed to it, and in
the morning I was going to leave on this big
solo bike trip up the East Coast. I didn't have
much of it planned out. The idea was to wing it,
(09:44):
kind of like my own version of on the Road.
All of this to say that as I pulled up
to Uncle Chris's trailer and got out of the car
with these dogs barking like crazy, I was already pretty nervous.
And then I met Chris's roommates. This massive guy comes
out of the trailer. I'm six foot five and this
(10:05):
guy is taller than me, a huge guy with this long,
stringy ponytail, a lazy eye, and a very rough, scraggly mustache.
He looked like Lemmy for Motorhead mixed with Lemmy for Motorhead.
Just a very intense looking guy. His name was Glenn,
and Glenn was with a lady named Kitty Cat, and
(10:25):
Kitty Cat had a very sweet smile, but you could
tell right away that she's been around and she's seen
some stuff. Glenn doesn't say a word, He just kind
of sizes me up. But Kitty Cat comes out beaming
with this huge smile on her face. Oh you must
be Ian. She comes out and gives me this big hug.
She yells at the dogs they stop barking, and then
(10:46):
she invites me inside. Meanwhile, Glenn's just standing there, arms crossed,
looking me up and down, and Uncle Chris continues to grill.
Uncle Chris had a lot of personality. There were booze
bottles everywhere. The carpet was maybe at one point a
(11:06):
cream color, but had become a dark brown gray with
parts of it torn up. Other parts of the carpet
were like dreadlocks. There were cigarette butts everywhere, and instead
of curtains, there was a variety of Confederate and don't
tread on me flags hanging or stabled to the window frames.
As I come in, Kitty Cat is talking a mile
a minute, super friendly, very excited to have me there.
(11:29):
Kitty Cat wants to show me a picture of her
daughter and holds up a framed yearbook photo of a
girl who looks to be about fourteen or fifteen years
old to put it as delicately as I can. The
girl in the photo looked like she could very easily
have been a guest on the Jerry Springer Show. All
you need to know is that I was very polite
when I said, oh, Kitty Cat, she's beautiful. So Uncle
(11:59):
Chris final he comes in, dinner's ready. As we're having dinner,
Uncle Chris officially introduces me to his roommates, Glenn and
Kitty Kat, and this is when he explains that Glenn
had just been released from prison about two weeks ago
and was staying with Chris to get back on his feet.
Kitty Cat was Glenn's woman, a retired stripper from Chattanooga
who showed up once she heard he got out. Chris
(12:21):
made it very clear that while Glenn and Kittycat were there,
they were the help, kind of like a butler and maid.
So as we're having dinner, the three of them are
pretty drunk at this point, and Uncle Chris asks me
about what I'm up to. I tell him that I
just graduated college. He starts referring to me as college
boy and wants to know why college boy has a
bike in his car, So I tell him about my trip.
(12:44):
I'm going a bike from his trailer all the way
up to Maine and spend my whole summer on the
road having an adventure. They start asking me all sorts
of questions, where are you going to stay? So I
tell him that I have a tent and a sleeping bag,
and the plan is to just sleep wherever I can.
It's all part of the adventure. They asked what I
was going to do for food, and I tell them
that I only have a little bit of money, but
(13:05):
I've brought a guitar, and the plan was to panhandle
with the guitar to make some money whenever I could,
but otherwise I learned how to dumpster dive. Any food
that I might need I could get from dumpsters along
the way. That's right, dumpster diving. We're going to cover
dumpster diving in a later episode. But for those of
you who are unfamiliar are grossed out by the name,
(13:26):
yes it does involve going into dumpsters and finding food,
but I assure you it's much grosser sounding than it
actually is. Your mind would be blown away by the
amount of high quality, safe food that just gets thrown out.
But I will evangelize on that in a later episode
I digress back to the dinner. The dumpster diving comment
(13:48):
really gets Chris's attention, and he starts going off on me.
He wants to know why I would go to college
to eat out of dumpsters and sleep outside. Why would
a college graduate want to be homeless? And I'm trying
to explain to him that it's not about being homeless,
it's all about going out into the world and experiencing
the world. At this point, Glenn chimes in. Up until
(14:08):
now he has been completely silent, just watching and listening,
but now he's decided to let me have it and
tells me how stupid I am. He tells me how
dangerous the idea is, looks right into my eyes and says,
if you weren't Chris's nephew, I would have killed you
by now and taken all your shit. So at this point,
(14:31):
whatever nervousness or anxiety I was feeling is now off
the charts. I am terrified. This giant, lazy eyed, mustached
maniac is looking into my eyes telling me that he
would have already killed me if he could have. But
Uncle Chris gets to my defense. Glenn, knock it off,
(14:51):
that's my sister's son. Glenn backs down and decides to
switch gears. He wants to know what I'm going to
do to protect myself. Insists that there's going to be
a lot of people out there just like him, and
it's important that I know how to keep myself safe.
So the first question he asks is if I'm armed.
Do I have a gun? I tell him I don't.
(15:12):
Next question, do you have a knife? I show him
that I have a leatherman. He explains that doesn't count
as a knife. At this point, Glenn and Chris decide
it's important to teach me how to kill someone with
my bare hands. At this point, Glenn and Chris decide
it's important to teach me how to kill someone with
(15:34):
my bare hands, and dinner is immediately over. They grab
a bottle of whiskey and take me outside to the
back of the trailer where there's this big thing covered
in a blue tarp. They pull the blue tarp and
reveal a big punching bag hanging from a metal frame.
(15:54):
Uncle Chris tells me to punch the bag. Come on,
and you gotta punch that bag. I see Glenn with
his arms crossed watching me as I walk over and
punch the bag, having never really punched anything before, and
it's pitiful. Glenn and Chris can't believe their eyes and
tell me to punch it again. I punch it again,
(16:15):
trying to do like a good punch, but I have
no clue what I'm doing and it's absolutely pathetic. So
Uncle Chris pushes me aside and says, I you gotta
punch that bag. Get your hips into it. So he
starts showing me how to punch by lining up his
fist and rotating his elbow back with his hips so
his hips are turning his torso it's like he's an
(16:35):
action figure that if you twist the hips, it makes
the hand punch. And he keeps saying, get your hips
into it. Come on in, I want you to fuck
that bag. Fuck that bag, as he starts punching it
with his hips over and over, and then Glenn starts yelling, yeah, boy,
(16:58):
you gotta fuck that bad So now it's my turn,
my turn to fuck the bag. Chris steps out of
the way and I do my best. I swing my hips,
I swing my fist, and much to my surprise, I
see that this technique actually works. It's like a good
way to punch, but still not good enough because I suck.
(17:36):
It seems like I'm a lost cause and I will
not be punching anyone to death, which to me seems
like a good thing, but to Glenn and Chris this
is real bad news. Glenn looks at me and very
seriously says people are gonna try to kill you, and
he means it. So Glenn and Chris decide it's important
(17:58):
that they teach me some alternative moves. Since I won't
be able to punch anyone to death, you know, there's
other ways to kill people with your bare hands. I'm
happy to report that the following day I ended up
drawing a diagram and wrote all this down. There will
be a link to the official Uncle Chris's Guide to
Death in the show notes. They taught me ten different
ways to kill someone with your bare hands, and each
(18:19):
technique was demonstrated to me and on me by my
uncle Chris. You're my top five favorites. Number one, if
you punch someone in the fifth or sixth vertebrate between
the shoulder blades, you will snap the spinal quote, instantly
paralyzing likely killing the target. This was demonstrated on my
(18:43):
back Luckily he didn't punch me, but he did show
me with his knuckle which vertebrae it hit. Number two,
a knife punch, which is basically a karate chop to
the temple will kill someone instantly. Number three, a karate
chop but not a knife punch to the vegas nerve
will take out your opponent. The vegas nerve is the
(19:06):
nerve that runs up the side of your neck, and
apparently if you hit it the right way, it'll make
the brain explode or cause a stroke or something like that.
Number four, if you punch and shatter the collarbone right
in the center, the target will drown in their own blood.
And number five, my favorite, if you separate the sternum
(19:27):
with the fingertips, you can punch the heart, causing it
to explode. My uncle Chris comes up real close, takes
his index finger and middle finger and begins to poke
me right in the sternum. It sounded like this, you
can probably hear it on the microphone, and he says,
if you hit this hard enough, you'll snap the cartilage
(19:48):
around the sternum and the sternum will stab the heart.
So pretty soon he's hitting me over and over and
over in the sternum harder and harder to give me
a sense of how a sternum might snap and how
the bone might stab your heart and possibly make it explode.
As they've been teaching me, They've also been drinking quite
a bit of the whiskey and get into a pretty
big argument over exactly how the sternum thing works. Do
(20:11):
you use the sternum itself to stab the heart or
do you just break the sternum and get it out
of the way and stab the heart with your fingertips.
Either way, this argument turns into a drunken fistfight between
Uncle Chris and Glenn. As I'm standing there watching, trying
not to get hit. I'm saved by the bell with
Kitty Cat standing in the doorway. She wants me to
(20:32):
come inside and talk to her daughter. At this point,
(20:55):
I'm pretty freaked out. Glenn's made it clear that he
wishes he could kill me. My check hurts from getting
pounded in the sternum, my hips are sore from fucking
the bag, and now I'm beyond nervous and very happy
to go into the trailer and talk to Kitty Cat's daughter.
Kitty Cat's holding a phone with this huge smile on
her face. As I walk in, She's got her hand
(21:16):
over the mouthpiece and says, my daughter wants to talk
to you. So I take the phone and use like
a real nice hey, I'm talking to a kid voice,
and I say, oh hello, I just hear this real
quiet voice. Hey, what's up? Oh you know nothing? What's
up with you? I hear you? Like what she say? Oh,
(21:36):
my mom said you saw my picture? Do you think
I'm beautiful? Oh? Yeah, it's a very nice picture that
your mom showed me. I can come over a few
montent me two. I'm going to spare you the reenactment
of the rest of the conversation, but let's just say
that things escalated quite a bit, and Kittykat's daughter offered
to come over and said that she would be more
(21:58):
than willing to do a variety of things for me
and to me if i'd like pretty soon. I was
at a loss for words and handed the phone back
to Kittycat and said something like, uh, no, thank you,
here's your mom. At this point, I don't know where
to go. Glenn and Chris are still fighting outside. I
can hear them just beating the shit out of each other,
and Kitty Kat is on the phone looking at me,
(22:20):
whispering into the mouthpiece, saying stuff like yeah he's tall,
Yeah he's got a belly, but he's cute. Chris and
Glenn come in and they're now friends again. At this point,
Glenn has taken on a completely different tone. I'm sorry,
I was trying to kill you brother. Let's sit down,
(22:41):
look at a map and see if we can figure
out your trip. He takes me over to the dinner table,
opens up a big roadmap and asks me what my
plan is. I explained to him that there's really no
plan at all. The idea is to just have an adventure.
I'm excited to go out into the world for the
first time ever and see what happens. The only thing
I really have planned is tomorrow morning, I'm going to
(23:02):
wake up and bike up the coast until I get
to Maine. Luckily, Glenn has the map in front of
him and shows me that Chris's trailer is right next
to a national forest and surrounded by massive swamps. He
explains that it's at least an hour drive from where
Chris lives to the coast, so unless I want to
spend the first night of my trip, sleeping alone in
(23:23):
a swamp, I might want to adjust my plan. Glenn
says that in the morning he'll ride with me to
the coast and then drive my Grandpa's car back to
Chris's trailer. That way, I wouldn't have to bike through
the swamp and I could begin my trip on the coast.
Chris signed off on the plan, and we decided that
was the thing to do. At this point, Glenn and
(23:45):
Chris start encouraging me. They think the trip sounds great,
and they start swapping stories about the different times that
they were out on the road. A lot of these
stories evolved hitch hiking, beating up the person that picked
them up, or getting beaten up by the person that
picked them up, then beating that person up for beating
them up, stories of various people trying to kill them,
and them trying to kill various people for stealing their stuff.
(24:06):
The more stories that they told, the more I began
to really believe that the second I hit the road,
everyone was going to try to kill me. At this point,
I was legitimately freaking out. When I'd been planning the
strip in Savannah, all my college friends thought it sounded
like a great idea. We were all in the same
(24:29):
page that it was just a cool, fun, romantic adventure.
My parents and some other adults in my life were
the ones who kept telling me it was a terrible idea,
But I just figured they were coming at it from
more of an angle of no, you graduated from college
and now it's time to go get a job forever
the way I felt, they just didn't get what it
(24:51):
was I was trying to do, but all my friends did.
I was trying to go out and find myself before
I had to lose myself in a job. That's just
kind of the way me and everyone I knew at
the time looked at life and jobs and stuff. It
was not the beginning, it was the end. But at
(25:13):
this point, after Glenn and Chris continued sharing terrifying story
after terrifying story, I got legitimately scared. I excused myself
and went outside. I was officially scared at this point,
(25:35):
adrenaline kicking in fight or flight, and I don't know
where to go. I don't know what to do, pretty
overwhelmed by the whole idea of this self inflicted suicidal
death ride up the coast. So I do what any
self respecting mature college graduate does, and I call my parents,
and as I'm talking to my mom and dad, I
tell them that, you know, maybe you guys were right.
(25:57):
You know, maybe I'm not as prepared for this trip
as I thought I was. Maybe this trip isn't exactly
the right move. It's not exactly what I should be
doing with my time right now. And they are both
very relieved to hear me saying all this, and my dad,
trying to be supportive but also being a dad, says
something along the lines of, you know, I'm surprised it
took you this long to figure it out, but you're
(26:19):
making the right decision. We didn't really think you were
going to go through with it. We're glad you finally
came to your senses. That very dad like statement is
met by a very sunlike reaction, and it backfires. What
he just said makes me realize that, no, I have
to go on this trip. The whole point of this
trip was to put myself in scary situations to see
(26:40):
how I do. That's the whole point of adventure. And
I realize I'm scared right now, and this might be
the most scared I've ever been, but nothing's even happened yet,
so of course I have to go on the trip.
After this epiphany, I assure my mom and dad that
everything's fine. I'm just having cold feet, but I'm still
going to be leaving in the morning and they have
nothing to worry about. The trip is gonna be great.
(27:02):
As I get off the phone, Uncle Chris steps outside
the trailer. At this point, he's real drunk, and he
kind of stumbles down the stairs to come talk to me.
There's a trait that my uncle Chris had that I'll
cover in future episodes, where no matter how nasty he
could seem, there was always this sweetness to him. I
(27:22):
don't know if it was just like a glint in
the eye, but you could sense that he was a
very sweet, good person. And it's just that something happened,
something went wrong, and all that sweetness got buried under
so much other stuff. And in this moment I get
a sense of that sweetness. He gives me a big
(27:43):
hug and wishes me the best of luck on the trip.
I think it was the closest thing to a heart
to heart you could have with Uncle Chris, And in
that moment, I'm feeling this is crazy, this is scary,
but this guy's not gonna let anything happen to me.
Uncle Chris has got my back, and then we go
(28:08):
back inside. The music is blasting and Kitty Cat is
dancing around in her underwear. Glenn is hooting and hollering.
The bottle of whiskey is being passed around, and Kitty
Kat says, in want me to give you a dance.
She pushes me down onto the couch and before I
can even react, she's giving me a lap dance, with
Glenn cheering her on. Yeah, so much, you gat mama.
(28:30):
Uncle Chris starts yelling at both of them between poles
from the whiskey bottle. Stab it. That's my sister's son.
That's my sister's son. Kitty Kat looks at me while
she's given me this lap dance and says, you want
to see my tattoos. She takes off her bra and
panties and shows off the tattoos on her breasts and
the one of a rose right above her vagina. At
(28:53):
this point, I can't believe what's happening, and Uncle Chris
loses it. Stop it, that's my sister's I can shine
parties over. So now it's bedtime, and Uncle Chris lets
me know that I'll be sleeping on the couch, which
is right by the front door. He's a garbage truck
driver and has to leave it four in the morning,
so he gives me a good night hug and wishes
(29:14):
me good luck on the trip. As he's going to
his room, he stops and says, by the way, there's
some fellows from Charleston that are trying to kill me,
So if you hear a knock at the door, don't
open it. I don't know if he's joking or not,
so I look over to Glenn and Kittycat and see
that Glenn has a pretty serious expression on his face.
Glenn says that a couple weeks ago, Chris got in
(29:36):
a fight with some guys at a bar over someone's wife,
and a few of those fellas had shown up at
Chris's trailer about a week ago. My Uncle Chris did
manage to scare them away with his shotgun, but there's
a pretty good chance that they'd be coming back. Upon
hearing this, I probably look more terrified than I've looked
the whole night, and Uncle Chris notices he marches off
(29:57):
to his room and comes back with the machine gun
with a banana clip wrapped in a Confederate flag and
leans it against the wall. He looks at me and
smiles and says, just in case. Seeing this, kitty Cat
gets inspired and goes into her room and comes out
with a loaded revolver and puts it under my pillow
where I'll be sleeping on the couch. She smiles to
(30:19):
me and says, for protection. I don't know what to say.
I've never had to politely decline a gun before, and
right at this moment this is one hundred percent true.
The second after the guns are brought out, there's a
knock at the door. Everyone gets quiet, My heart skips
(30:40):
a beat, and Uncle Chris cautiously goes to the door,
the machine gun within reach. He cracks open the door
to see who's outside. All we can hear is some
mumbling back and forth, and after a few seconds the
mumbling becomes friendly, and then Chris goes and grabs two
(31:02):
beers and hands them through the door to his neighbor,
who I guess had run out of beers that night.
And that's it. The door closes. Chris goes to his
room Glenning Kittycat go to theirs, leaving me alone in
the living room, staring at a couch with a revolver
under the pillow and a loaded machine gun leaning against
the wall. I decide to sleep in the recliner instead,
(31:26):
and through the paper thin plywood walls of the trailer
I can hear Glenning Kittycat start to have sex in
the next room. Ah, your mama, Oh Mama. I find
the remote control, turn on the old TV and the
first thing that comes on is a scrambled episode of Frasier. Yeah,
(31:56):
and this is how the Craziest Night of My Life ends.
Me and a recliner, two guns within arm's reach, Glenn
and Kitty Kat making sweet sweet love in the other room,
while doctors Niles and Frasier Crane put together a list
(32:17):
for a dinner party. On the next episode, we're going
to do a little background on my uncle Chris's upbringing
(32:39):
my mom's side of the family, the Panamanians. So join
me next time for duels, adventures in the jungle, dictators,
more machine guns, and swords that still have blood on them.
Panama the Isthmus we go to for Christmas special thanks
(33:04):
to my lovely wife Missus faff for doing the voice
of Kitty Kat's daughter. Uncle Chris is a production by
Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network at iHeart Podcasts. It's
created and hosted by me Ian faff I, wrote, directed, scored,
edited and mixed this episode. The show is executive produced
by Hans Sanhi and Will Ferrell, and co produced by
(33:25):
Olivia Aguilar. If you want to see what else I'm
up to, go to ianfaff dot com or check out
my Instagram. Spring Break nineteen eighty four, Thanks for listening.
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