June 10, 2021 • 37 mins
A scheduled goodbye email raises as many questions as it answers.
Note: This series discusses topics that may be triggering to some listeners, including depression and suicide. If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text 741741 to speak to somebody immediately.
Created, written, hosted, and executive produced by Chris Stedman
Co-executive produced by Beth Anne Macaluso
Story edited by Aaron Edwards
Sound design by Dylan Fagan
Music by Aaron Wong Kaufman
To listen to “Music Inspired by Unread” go to unread.bandcamp.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi there. Before this episode begins, I want to make
sure you know that this series gets into some things
that might be triggering to some listeners, specifically depression and suicide.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts,
please seek assistance from a mental health professional, or visit
the National Institute of Mental Health website at n I
(00:23):
m H dot, ni H dot g o V for resources.
If you're currently in crisis, you can call one hundred
to seven three talk that's eight to five, or text
Hello to seven one seven for one to speak to
someone immediately. Thanks for listening. Oh yeah, I don't understand.
(00:44):
I don't think. I really don't think Britney Spears would
go on a tiny jet and talk to you you. But
I really don't a doubt it. I'm Chris Studman and
this is unread episode one. Email my heart, call them
(01:07):
back all the little clothes, open threats. That's still same
for you. I gathered in sen deviceces faceco breaking the
(01:28):
eyes floor too so fast. Now. I hope you're having
a great day. I'm going to camping today. We actually
I'm only going hiking. See, I'm just a guy guy.
(01:51):
I'm gonna go to a pay type racks and in
one weekend manish in those Spears before a last me days.
Can I get a want? What? What? Why? That's my
friend alex In. We spoke over the phone and texted often,
but he also loved to send me life updates via
(02:13):
video message, little dispatches from his world. Like most of
his updates, this one included some news about Britney Spears,
the pop princess we both loved, who was in the
middle of her very successful Las Vegas residency. Piece of me.
This is probably obvious, but yes, his voice is altered
by an Instagram filter in that video. Here he is
without a filter from another video message he sent me,
(02:35):
this one four years later. Oh we're rolling well. Um,
I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. You
know this is a big year for you. Whoo whoop whoop? Whoop?
Whoop whoop? Can I get a whoop? Whoop? Can I
get a whoo whoop? I just got a whoop whoop?
Too much? Some people thought Alex was, as he said,
(03:00):
too much, but me I couldn't get enough of his intensity,
his zeal for life. As someone who sometimes struggles to
embrace my own passions or interests to be myself. A
big part of what drew me to Alex when we
first met back in two thousand nine was how much
he was truly himself. Some people, though, definitely made him
(03:21):
feel like he was too much. It was a thing
he and his sister show she connected over. Both my
mom and my dad and Alex Andy all have dealt
with mental illness issues our whole life. I think that
just knowing that there's a stigma makes you feel different
(03:43):
and like an outsider and like you're too much for
people to handle, and that gets into your psyche and
it starts to wear on your confidence. Even the most
confident person in the world like Alex. You know. It's
like eventually you hear it enough and you start to
ask yourself to be true, you know. But anyone who
(04:04):
thought that about Alex didn't see the full picture. He
was a lot in all the best ways. He was
a lot because he chased his joy, went all in
on it. He was a prolific creator of the dumbest memes.
A viral red carpet photo of Dakota Fanning grimacing uncomfortably
would be fodder for weeks. Sample caption when he's been
(04:27):
your boyfriend for two days and says he wants to
open the relationship. Then there were his infamous Taco Bell orders.
I'd list one of them, but we'd be here all day.
Just know it came out to about seventy nine dollars,
which is hard to do it Taco Bell. And he
was utterly obsessed with roller coasters. When visiting my home
state of Minnesota with me, he practically belined for the
(04:49):
indoor coasters at the Mall of America. When Alex loved something,
a hobby, a joke, a topic, he loved it hard.
It consumed him. This was especially true of the people
Alex loved. He loved me hard, especially from ten to
a difficult few years of transition and change for me.
(05:12):
During that time. He was always sending little videos or messages,
things intended to put a smile on my face and
remind me I was loved. But I don't think he
loved anyone, not me, not his sister or parents, not
his best friends since childhood, no one harder than he
loved Britney Spears. When I say Alex loved Brittany, I
(05:36):
don't mean he saw her in concert every tour or
his wall was plastered with posters and magazine cutouts. I mean,
sure he knew every obscure fact about her, had entire
folders of photos of her on his laptop, had memorized
the choreography to all of her music videos. But even
that isn't really what I mean. What I really mean
(05:59):
is that he identified with her, felt he understood her,
felt her path in life had been like his in
some way, even though their lives were very different in
all of the obvious surface level respects, or, as Alex
would probably put it, even though he was much much
hairier than her. Well, first of all, he loved her
music first and foremost loved her music. That's Alex's best friend, Lexie.
(06:25):
I think he loved just her innocence, how she is
such a sweet person and this megastar. And I think
that like he sort of, like everybody else, idolizes her,
but then also sees she's a real person and felt
like deeply connected to that aspect of her. And he
(06:47):
loved the fact that she was so real, despite the
fact that she was like this mega star and iconic,
she had faults, like a real person. She loved McDonald,
her life choices, were like not only hilarious and entertaining
to him, but also so relatable and like, you know,
I think that he loved that, like she could embody
(07:08):
all these different things at once, and I think that
maybe he related to that too, and her struggles with
mental health. I think he felt deeply connected to and
I think that he felt like he knew her and
that they were friends or something. You know. Alex's relationships
(07:30):
with the people he loved most could be fraught. He'd
easily fall out of touch or even cut people off
completely sometimes. And though he and I didn't fight much,
I'm from Minnesota, a land of notoriously conflict avoidant people.
We could go periods without talking to. But while some
of his closest relationships ebbed and flowed, Brittany was his constant.
(07:53):
His adoration of her never wavered. She was the great,
unchanging love of his life. M found now the going
I know you kind of glue what to do with
the check what you are, what you are saying? That's
(08:17):
Alex singing Britney song Womanizer. Over the years, he sent
me so many clips of him singing Brittaney songs, or
even more often doing the choreography from her music videos.
I once tweeted out a compilation of video clips of
him performing the choreography from the music video for Britney
single Work Bitch, with his permission and encouragement. The compilation
(08:41):
is incredible, and it's also hilarious. In some of the clips,
he's doing the choreography in front of a gigantic canyon
and commands your attention away from the awesome view. In others,
he's wearing a terrible cheap wig and makes it look glamorous.
In another, he's sitting in the back of a movie
pickup truck, not the backseat, the bed of the truck,
(09:03):
and still doing the choreography flawlessly. Don't try this at home.
My favorite of the clips, though, is one where he's
house in dogs sitting for someone, and the dogs he's
watching keep getting in the way, especially when he gets
to the part of the choreography that calls for floor work.
He keeps moving through the routine even as dogtails swat
his face. Alex was pretty much always thinking about Brittany,
(09:28):
her heart, her life, her very public struggles. He knew
her moves, her music, the events of her career inside
out for you Britney fans. Yes, that's a reference. Alex
was obsessed with working her song titles into everyday conversation.
It was like he cared about her as much as
he cared about himself. I'm sure you've noticed that I'm
(09:52):
talking about Alex in the past tense. Well. He could
get through the choreography to work Bitch without stumbling, matter
what obstacles, Dogtail or otherwise got in his way. The
obstacles of his life proved a lot more challenging. As
much space as Brittany took up in his head, something
else loomed even larger, his depression. He would get on
(10:17):
top of it, sometimes even for extended stretches, times when
he would seem like he was getting better, but it
was always there, waiting to pull him back down. One
December evening in I received a message that changed my
life forever, a message that would send me on the
journey I'm on now. It was a week after I
(10:37):
turned in my second book to my editor and got
back online after a three month social media break. I
was in my tiny studio apartment, cherishing the first three
days I had had in months. I sat at the
kitchen counter, my dog tuna asleep on the bed a
few feet away. As I mindlessly scrolled through Twitter, I
noticed an unread email from a few minutes earlier, delivered
(10:59):
at seven pm exactly. It was from Alex, who I
hadn't heard from all year, the longest we've ever gone
without talking. Actually, I had felt a steady drip of
worry over his prolonged absence, for sure, but I was
struggling with some major obstacles of my own at the time,
and for Alex disappearing was not unheard of. It was concerning,
(11:23):
but it also felt kind of par for the course
another one of his off the grid periods. Seeing the
emails subject line my name repeated three times, all in
lower case Chris. Chris. Chris filled me with a strange
mix of relief, finally a sign of him, and also dread.
(11:48):
Is this an email to tell me off for being absent?
I wondered, for being a bad friend. But it wasn't that, Chris.
The email began. Listen, I'm writing to let you know
that when you receive this scheduled email, I will no
longer be alive. At first, I couldn't even make sense
(12:11):
of what I was reading. I just sat in front
of my computer frozen. When I felt like I could
move again, I emailed him back right away. I love
you so fucking much, I wrote, I've been trying to
reach you. I really hope you see this. Please call me.
Then I grabbed my phone, scrolled to his contact and
(12:32):
hit call. Maybe he changed his mind, Maybe he forgot
to cancel this email. Maybe he was dying but not
dead and I could intervene. I had to at least try.
When I couldn't reach him over the phone, I texted
my friend Carrie. I didn't know what to do next,
and frankly, I needed someone outside the situation to confirm
(12:52):
that this was really happening. Kerry, who's a talented investigative journalist,
offered to help arrange a wellness check, but as I
spoke with her, I realized that, despite my once frequent
contact with Alex, I had no idea what his current
address even was. I found a photo he had sent
me of a letter from the city about a parking ticket,
(13:13):
and after zooming in, I deciphered the address. With that
in hand, Carrie helped me reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline,
whose volunteers calmly offered to help send someone to check
at the address. He hadn't lived there in months, though,
and the new residents had no clue where he had gone.
Feeling out of options, I sat there rereading his email
(13:35):
over and over, looking for any sort of clue in
it that he might be okay, while messaging anyone I
could find, his friend Beth, who he had connected me
with over Twitter, strangers he was tagged in photos with
on Instagram, anyone I could find online, trying to locate
someone who could track him down and tell me it
(13:55):
wasn't true. As I did that, Carrie worked to find
his family's contact information online, and I would eventually reach
them by the end of the night. But in the
time in between, while I waited to hear back from someone, anyone,
I paced the tight space between my computer and my
bad nauseous, before collapsing onto my sheets, wrapping Tuna in
(14:19):
my arms and refusing to let go. They wouldn't find
his body for another day, but as I held my
normally very aloof dog close, I knew that Alex was gone.
Even now, the immensity of what I felt in that
moment evades words. It was the thing Alex sometimes feared
(14:39):
he was. It was too much. Outside of the shock
of its very existence. Much of Alex's goodbye email to
me was unsurprising. He even did his signature thing of
working Brittany references into the text. But near the end
of his email, almost as a kind of afterthought, was
(15:00):
a SoundCloud link. Oh, he wrote, here's Alice Recordings. I
didn't click the link in the overwhelming panic of that
first night, but the next day I followed it to
a private SoundCloud page, one only accessible to someone given
the link. The page was simple, just two audio files.
(15:21):
The account's display name was all in lower case Hillary
d I assume for the Disney star and musician Hillary Duff.
He loved using celebrity names for random things like this.
One time he created a profile on Venmo under the
name Nicole Ritchie and used it to send me three
cents out of the blue, just so I'd get a
notification that Nicole Ritchie had sent me money. In the
(15:43):
space where you put with the payments for he wrote
Savage Garden c D. The first of the two audio
files had Part two in the file name, even though
there was no sign of a part one. Very Alex,
I hit play on the second clip, the one that
didn't say part in case it was part one, it wasn't.
(16:03):
The first thing I heard was her my Twitter. My
Twitter is Banana Alan and I created it today and
um Banana Allen Alice. Hearing her that voice, that laugh,
I was immediately flooded with memories of Alex telling me
(16:25):
about her, this mysterious figure he met online, A mysterious
figure who happens to sound eerily similar to Britney Spears. Yeah,
I didn't understand. I don't think. I really don't think
Britney Spears would go on a tiny chat and talking
to her. I really don't doubt it. Alex had told
me about Alice, but before receiving his goodbye email, I
(16:47):
hadn't thought about her in years. For a period of
time in the early Alice would appear in online spaces
frequented by obsessed Britney fans, talking with them in a
voice chat room and tweeting under the handle Banana Alice
Banana as in the name of the snake used in
Brittany's iconic two thous performance. Alice would coyly deny being
(17:09):
Brittany when asked, before laughing exactly like the elusive pop star.
Oh my god, that was Alice. Here's Brittany. Brittany laughs
(17:29):
a lot, and her laughter is infectious, but there have
been stretches where her fans have gone without hearing it
as much, especially since two thousand seven, one of the
most tumultuous years of her career. In two thousand seven,
Brittany was everywhere, on the cover of every celebrity magazine,
the top of every gossip blog. Cable news covered her
(17:51):
every move, every outing, every court date, every outrageous joke
she made to whichever member of the paparazzi was within
earshot to make a turn out. What would they let
you in Britney? What do you think, Air, I mean
I can get on the hop? Yeah right. This time
(18:14):
in Britney's life is seared in the minds of those
of us who came of age with her. The custody battles,
head shaving, supposedly disastrous Vimes performance of Give Me More,
which for the record, I really enjoyed, and all the
signs of distress that talk show hosts and comedians used
as low hanging joke fodder. You know, Britney still thinks
(18:34):
the earth is flat, We're going to tune in to
see her, you know, if she can sort of function
through the thing right, something Britney Spears has lost in
the past year. Her eyes were open, her lips were moving,
She remade conscious the entire time. It was the greatest
(18:55):
impression of an office worker embarrassing themselves at a holiday
party I have ever seen. Brittany emerged with a bang
as the biggest star in the world, but less than
a decade later, to the world she was coming undone.
Newspapers readied her obituary to go to press at a
moment's notice, as the public settled in with popcorn to
(19:18):
witness the spectacle of her dark night of the soul.
While much of the world pointed and laughed, this difficult
time in Brittany's life had a different impact on some.
It not only endeared her to many of her already
adoring fans, it also cracked open the hard exterior of
some people like me, who either hadn't paid her much
(19:41):
notice or had even dismissed her growing up. We became
invested in her and her well being after seeing her struggle.
We watched in worry as she spiraled and felt immense
joy as she seemed to climb her way back out.
Alice denied being Brittany, but some of the fans who
spent full days on Brittany fan forums were convinced otherwise
(20:05):
because of her voice, but also smaller things, subtle mannerisms,
little moments that betrayed a vulnerability like the kind they
saw in Brittany. And these were the fans, like Alex,
who felt that they knew Brittany best. The prospect that
Alice and Brittany were one and the same would have
(20:25):
been thrilling. Here perhaps was a chance to connect with
the unreachable star that they felt they already knew. Even
I have to admit, Alice sounds just like Brittany. The light,
vocal fry, the playful candor, every word almost like a wink.
If I ever said her name, yeah, would I continued
(20:50):
listening to the audio. At one point, the other people
in the chat room with Alice begin discussing the rumors that,
under her strict conservatorship. More on that in a minute,
Brittany doesn't have access to a phone or computer, an
idea that's persisted among many Britney fans for years. It's
a computer, Uh, I think Brittany knows that computer she
(21:16):
doesn't have all, and she didn't have a computer, I'm
sure she has like a mac bug or something. Listening
to this clip, it's strange to hear them talk about
Brittany as if she isn't there well at the same
time knowing some of them think, or at least hope,
that Alice is Brittany. It's like they're trying to wink
(21:37):
and nudge her into confessing who she is. The pokes
almost work. Alice clears her throat in that clip, like
she wants to correct them or just remind them that
she's still there listening, but the winks and nudges continue. So, Alice,
do people ever think you're Brittany? Like when you're just
out and about on your daily routine that I think
your Brittany. Ever? Alice doesn't take the bait though, No,
(22:00):
because I don't look like her at all. They're playing
a kind of tug of war with Alice, but behind
the prodding there are serious concerns. This idea that Brittany
either doesn't know how to work a computer or doesn't
have one at all, is driven by years of speculation
about Britney's lack of freedom and how isolated she may be.
(22:24):
In two thousand eight, Brittany was placed under a conservatorship,
which put her under the care of her father and
essentially gave him full legal control over her life, her career,
and with a co conservator, her finances. If you're not familiar,
a conservatorship is a legal arrangement typically reserved for people
living with dementia or a profound mental illness that makes
(22:46):
everyday functioning difficult. In other words, it's really only instituted
in the most extreme circumstances where a person cannot care
for themselves or make sound decisions in their own best interest. Yet,
less than a year after being placed under her conservatorship,
Brittany kicked off a massive comeback, reaching heights she hadn't
(23:07):
since her debut, several number one singles, multiple album releases,
world tours, and eventually an immensely profitable Las Vegas residency.
With each passing year of Brittany's conservatorship, her fans grew
more concerned. They started scouring her social media for clues
that she was trying to signal displeasure with the arrangement
(23:28):
to the world, discussing some of her leaked songs like
Rebellion and trying to decode messages in the lyrics, circulating
handwritten notes purportedly authored by Brittany herself early on in
her conservatorship, in which she says she wants to be
out of it, tweeting clips from for the Record, a
documentary produced for her comeback in two thousand eight, which
(23:49):
is full of moments where Brittney talks about how controlled
and orchestrated her life feels. Fan concerns reached a fever
pitch in the final year of Alex's life when Brittany
canceled her second Las Vegas residency not long after it
was announced and went quiet on social media. Months later,
it was reported she had checked into a mental health facility,
(24:11):
and some thought she was made to do so against
her will. There was speculation that her Instagram account, one
of the few places she seemed to present her unvarnished self,
wasn't run by Brittany anymore. Her captions, for instance, were
known for being littered with emojis, but a post after
checking into the facility featured an out of place, low
(24:32):
fi emoticon. It was a small detail, but to die
hard fans something felt off. From then on, her Instagram
comments were dominated by people picking apart her posts and
digging for meaning. Three emojis mean s O S and
red always means alarm. If you need help, wear yellow
(24:53):
in your next video. Brittany post a picture of a painting.
Next if you're not okay. See this was posted into December,
but I think it's really from the trip posted in October.
There's something with that tree. Guys, She's always near that tree,
praying for your freedom. You're not alone. We'd love you.
(25:13):
After that, the speculation had gained enough traction that the
digitally driven Free Brittany movement, once a fringe idea among
her most dedicated fans, began breaking into the mainstream. It's
the Battle over Brittany. Pop star Britney Spears parents faced
off in court as they fight over conservatorship of their
daughter Leslie Marinez live in downtown l A. With the
(25:36):
tails on the battle over conservatorship and the fan movement
to Free Brittany. By six months after I got Alex's email,
questions about Britney's well being were all over the Internet.
They reached far beyond a core group of fans like
those in Alice's chat room, or the handful of protesters
(25:58):
who picketed conservatorship or at hearings. Even before New York
Times documentary on Brittany's Conservatorship launched the movement to the
next level, hashtag free Brittany would regularly trend on Twitter
and TikTok's suggesting she has no control over her life
accumulated millions of views. The comments that flood Brittany's Instagram
(26:19):
posts now are primarily focused on her well being. They
are passionate and mostly sympathetic. By and large, the conversation
about Britney's mental health looks and feels very different now
than it did just a decade ago. When Alex and
I first bonded over how much we loved her. We
were very defensive of her back then, fiercely protective after
(26:43):
how much she and her mental health had been ridiculed. Today,
while far from perfect, public discussions about Brittany at least
have a lot more of that tenderness that once felt
so unique to my conversations with Alex. But while the
comments on Brittany's and Graham posts are rife with messages
from fans inquiring if she's okay, and asking her to
(27:05):
communicate secret messages by wearing certain colors of clothing. Brittany
herself mostly broadcasts her love of dance, does Hallway fashion
shows full of twirls and hair tosses, and posts wholesome
themes and Bible verses. She is sharing, but mostly stuff
that stays safely at the surface, kind of like how
(27:28):
Alex would post funny content online while reserving more difficult
subjects for our phone calls. Scrolling through her Instagram after
Alex's death, I wonder how okay Brittany really is. And
like her other fans, I searched her posts for clues,
but I'm looking for something else. Unlike her other fans,
(27:51):
I search for hints of another sort, hints that she
might have known my friend. Would it really be so
(28:14):
surprising that a star as reclusive as Brittany, one who
has been hurt by the public as much as she has,
might go online in search of connection, and that this
search could have led her to Alex. If Brittany did
go seeking anonymous connection, she wouldn't be the first celebrity
to do so. There's actually a long history of it.
(28:37):
Here's Dave Holmes, who as an MTV VJ back in
the TRL era had a front row seat to Brittany's
meteoric rise and the struggles that soon followed. I mean,
Michael Jackson used to dress up and go door to
door as a Jehovah's Witness, like in a fat suit
and prosthetics and stuff like, just to have quote unquote
(28:57):
normal conversations with people. Michael Jackson, who grew up as
a Jehovah's Witness, couldn't connect with anyone about his faith
or about anything really without his celebrity getting in the way. Today,
thanks to the Internet, famous people have an even easier
time flying under the radar when they need to know
(29:17):
prosthetics needed. Stars like Donald Glover have spoken about trying
to find community online under the relief of anonymity, and
he's definitely not alone. For celebrities who want to connect
and feel normal, the Internet can provide a way to
reach out and find people who can see the human
behind the hype. For a star as misunderstood as Brittany,
(29:38):
the appeal seems obvious. I can absolutely see someone like
her whose face and name and image she's a little
bit lost control of talking anonymously to somebody and saying
what she really thinks, in not having to second guess it,
and figuring out who she is outside of the industry
that has sprung up around name. Yeah, I mean that
(30:01):
that actually seems really healthy. I'm not a global superstar,
but I've done the same thing as a closeted queer teenager.
I sought out Internet strangers who might understand me better
than the people around me. But I've done this as
an adult too. More and more of us turned to
the Internet to experiment with identity, confess our secrets, and
(30:22):
find consolation. If people in our situations turned to the
Internet for connection and community, I can only imagine Brittany,
who is pretty much unable to meet anyone who doesn't
already have all kinds of ideas about who she is,
might see the Internet as a safe place too. As
I started thinking about why Brittany might seek out online connection,
(30:44):
I suddenly remembered that Alex didn't just follow Alice on
Twitter or join in on her group voice chats. He
also texted with her years ago. He sent me screenshots
of some of their exchanges. As soon as I remembered this,
I went back through our texts and found them in
a near frenzy. The funny, tender snippets of conversation I
(31:04):
uncovered made me all the more curious about what all
they had shared and what sides of Alex Alice saw.
After all, as I learned from a small group of
Alex's friends in the weeks and months after his death,
we all got different pieces of him. Which pieces of
Alex did Alice get? Alex would pretend to believe in
(31:28):
a number of Brittany fan conspiracies, and you sometimes couldn't
tell how serious he was being. He was never one
to say just kidding after a joke. For example, when
he sent me that video message wishing me a happy birthday,
I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. It
(31:48):
was actually my thirty one. But based on what he
told me and the significance of him including a link
to these audio files and his goodbye email, I think
Alex might have really thought that Alice was Brittany. Maybe
my friends are always making fun of me for being
irritating Lee skeptical. They're not wrong. It's an annoyingly large
(32:13):
part of my personality. This is true on a very
superficial level. I worked in atheism for my entire twenties,
like working on atheists stuff at Harvard and Yale, directing
an atheist nonprofit, going on cable news to talk about
being an atheist, writing a book on atheism. I'm not kidding.
I was literally a professional skeptic, and though it's no
(32:35):
longer the full time focus of my career, I continue
to be driven by a skeptical impulse in my work
today as a professor in a department of religion and
philosophy and a writer on Internet culture. But I'm also
just pretty skeptical in general. This can be harmless. For example,
I'm always forced to walk at the front anytime a
friend group goes through a haunted house because I have
the hardest time suspending my disbelief that these aren't just
(32:58):
teenagers and cheap masks jumping out from behind even cheaper props.
But my skepticism also gets in the way. Sometimes I
questioned myself and my own thinking a lot, and I
have a hard time putting my faith in anything but
the idea that Alex might have had faith in Alice.
It gives me pause. Whoever she was, I want to
(33:20):
understand why she compelled him. I want to see what
he saw in her. In the weeks following Alex's email,
I ran an online fundraiser so his body could be
claimed and his cremation paid for, and I worked with
show She and Lexi to plan his memorial or memory whole,
as I jokingly proposed, we call it in a moment
of severe sleep deprivation. Unfortunately, they loved it and so
(33:44):
we used it, which was fitting. It's genuinely what Alex
would have called it himself. I did all this because
I loved Alex and I wanted to help, but also
because I was trying to stay busy and keep moving
as much as I could. If I am a ghost,
Alex wrote in his email to me, I will come
(34:05):
say hello and will always be a friendly ghost like Casper.
But Harry, I won't hunt you unless you're being mean,
or if you're like abusing a dog. I haven't seen
or sensed Alex since he died, but I am haunted
by Alex's death and by the questions it left. I know.
(34:26):
I am so lucky to have his email this goodbye.
It answers questions so many people are left with when
someone dies, especially when someone dies by suicide. But still
there's so much unknown. If only I could explain, Alex wrote,
but he couldn't. The questions that linger are ones his
(34:47):
email could never answer. But in those first weeks after
his death, I couldn't help but wonder or hope if
perhaps Alice could. Wondering if Alice could help answer my
sans about Alex gives rise to others. Brittany, like Alex,
had been told by the world that she is too much,
(35:09):
that she feels too much, does too much, wants too much,
that she should be less, smaller, quieter, which is another
way of saying that she should be a different person altogether.
If Alex really was talking to Brittany, as far fetched
as that may sound, did he make her feel valid
(35:29):
the same thing Alex did for me. In one of
the texts Alex sent me a screenshot of years ago,
during an exchange about their mental health, Alice said to Alex,
I've never met anyone who I can relate to on
this level. I'm curious what else they shared. Did she
know he was going to end his life? Does she
(35:51):
even know he's gone? Could she help me understand my
friend better? I went back to the SoundCloud clips he
sent several more times replaying them again and again, especially
the spots where it's just Alex and Alice talking. Yeah,
an echo? I don't hear an echo? How do you call?
(36:13):
Do you have like a like an app? Or whatever?
Form my fun Before long I began to feel like
one of Britney's Instagram followers, obsessively trying to connect the dots.
Why was there an echo? Why was Alex asking about
a calling app? Eventually, though, my skepticism started to come back.
(36:38):
Maybe Alice was just another joke Alex didn't say just
kidding after Maybe he didn't believe in her at all
and I just couldn't see it. Maybe there were other
things I missed along the way too. Why didn't I
know that Alex had gone to such a dark place
in the final year of his life. Why didn't I
ask him more questions, not about Alice, but about how
(37:01):
he was doing when I had the chance. I can't
ask Alex anymore, so if I want answers, I'll need
to ask someone else. Maybe this is why. In the
days after Alex's death, as I mourned my friend and
tried to make sense of what happened, I kept coming
back to my questions about this person with a laugh
(37:22):
that sounds just like our idols. Who is she? Is
it Brittany doesn't matter? Can I find her next time
on Unread? Do you feel like that name of like
Charlie and always study in Philadelphia in the office, like
surrounded by like putting strings in one of my favorite
(37:44):
memes ever. And that's kind of how I picture you
making this podcast.
Hi there. Before this episode begins, I want to make
sure you know that this series gets into some things
that might be triggering to some listeners, specifically depression and suicide.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts,
please seek assistance from a mental health professional, or visit
the National Institute of Mental Health website at n I
(00:23):
m H dot, ni H dot g o V for resources.
If you're currently in crisis, you can call one hundred
to seven three talk that's eight to five, or text
Hello to seven one seven for one to speak to
someone immediately. Thanks for listening. Oh yeah, I don't understand.
(00:44):
I don't think. I really don't think Britney Spears would
go on a tiny jet and talk to you you. But
I really don't a doubt it. I'm Chris Studman and
this is unread episode one. Email my heart, call them
(01:07):
back all the little clothes, open threats. That's still same
for you. I gathered in sen deviceces faceco breaking the
(01:28):
eyes floor too so fast. Now. I hope you're having
a great day. I'm going to camping today. We actually
I'm only going hiking. See, I'm just a guy guy.
(01:51):
I'm gonna go to a pay type racks and in
one weekend manish in those Spears before a last me days.
Can I get a want? What? What? Why? That's my
friend alex In. We spoke over the phone and texted often,
but he also loved to send me life updates via
(02:13):
video message, little dispatches from his world. Like most of
his updates, this one included some news about Britney Spears,
the pop princess we both loved, who was in the
middle of her very successful Las Vegas residency. Piece of me.
This is probably obvious, but yes, his voice is altered
by an Instagram filter in that video. Here he is
without a filter from another video message he sent me,
(02:35):
this one four years later. Oh we're rolling well. Um,
I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. You
know this is a big year for you. Whoo whoop whoop? Whoop?
Whoop whoop? Can I get a whoop? Whoop? Can I
get a whoo whoop? I just got a whoop whoop?
Too much? Some people thought Alex was, as he said,
(03:00):
too much, but me I couldn't get enough of his intensity,
his zeal for life. As someone who sometimes struggles to
embrace my own passions or interests to be myself. A
big part of what drew me to Alex when we
first met back in two thousand nine was how much
he was truly himself. Some people, though, definitely made him
(03:21):
feel like he was too much. It was a thing
he and his sister show she connected over. Both my
mom and my dad and Alex Andy all have dealt
with mental illness issues our whole life. I think that
just knowing that there's a stigma makes you feel different
(03:43):
and like an outsider and like you're too much for
people to handle, and that gets into your psyche and
it starts to wear on your confidence. Even the most
confident person in the world like Alex. You know. It's
like eventually you hear it enough and you start to
ask yourself to be true, you know. But anyone who
(04:04):
thought that about Alex didn't see the full picture. He
was a lot in all the best ways. He was
a lot because he chased his joy, went all in
on it. He was a prolific creator of the dumbest memes.
A viral red carpet photo of Dakota Fanning grimacing uncomfortably
would be fodder for weeks. Sample caption when he's been
(04:27):
your boyfriend for two days and says he wants to
open the relationship. Then there were his infamous Taco Bell orders.
I'd list one of them, but we'd be here all day.
Just know it came out to about seventy nine dollars,
which is hard to do it Taco Bell. And he
was utterly obsessed with roller coasters. When visiting my home
state of Minnesota with me, he practically belined for the
(04:49):
indoor coasters at the Mall of America. When Alex loved something,
a hobby, a joke, a topic, he loved it hard.
It consumed him. This was especially true of the people
Alex loved. He loved me hard, especially from ten to
a difficult few years of transition and change for me.
(05:12):
During that time. He was always sending little videos or messages,
things intended to put a smile on my face and
remind me I was loved. But I don't think he
loved anyone, not me, not his sister or parents, not
his best friends since childhood, no one harder than he
loved Britney Spears. When I say Alex loved Brittany, I
(05:36):
don't mean he saw her in concert every tour or
his wall was plastered with posters and magazine cutouts. I mean,
sure he knew every obscure fact about her, had entire
folders of photos of her on his laptop, had memorized
the choreography to all of her music videos. But even
that isn't really what I mean. What I really mean
(05:59):
is that he identified with her, felt he understood her,
felt her path in life had been like his in
some way, even though their lives were very different in
all of the obvious surface level respects, or, as Alex
would probably put it, even though he was much much
hairier than her. Well, first of all, he loved her
music first and foremost loved her music. That's Alex's best friend, Lexie.
(06:25):
I think he loved just her innocence, how she is
such a sweet person and this megastar. And I think
that like he sort of, like everybody else, idolizes her,
but then also sees she's a real person and felt
like deeply connected to that aspect of her. And he
(06:47):
loved the fact that she was so real, despite the
fact that she was like this mega star and iconic,
she had faults, like a real person. She loved McDonald,
her life choices, were like not only hilarious and entertaining
to him, but also so relatable and like, you know,
I think that he loved that, like she could embody
(07:08):
all these different things at once, and I think that
maybe he related to that too, and her struggles with
mental health. I think he felt deeply connected to and
I think that he felt like he knew her and
that they were friends or something. You know. Alex's relationships
(07:30):
with the people he loved most could be fraught. He'd
easily fall out of touch or even cut people off
completely sometimes. And though he and I didn't fight much,
I'm from Minnesota, a land of notoriously conflict avoidant people.
We could go periods without talking to. But while some
of his closest relationships ebbed and flowed, Brittany was his constant.
(07:53):
His adoration of her never wavered. She was the great,
unchanging love of his life. M found now the going
I know you kind of glue what to do with
the check what you are, what you are saying? That's
(08:17):
Alex singing Britney song Womanizer. Over the years, he sent
me so many clips of him singing Brittaney songs, or
even more often doing the choreography from her music videos.
I once tweeted out a compilation of video clips of
him performing the choreography from the music video for Britney
single Work Bitch, with his permission and encouragement. The compilation
(08:41):
is incredible, and it's also hilarious. In some of the clips,
he's doing the choreography in front of a gigantic canyon
and commands your attention away from the awesome view. In others,
he's wearing a terrible cheap wig and makes it look glamorous.
In another, he's sitting in the back of a movie
pickup truck, not the backseat, the bed of the truck,
(09:03):
and still doing the choreography flawlessly. Don't try this at home.
My favorite of the clips, though, is one where he's
house in dogs sitting for someone, and the dogs he's
watching keep getting in the way, especially when he gets
to the part of the choreography that calls for floor work.
He keeps moving through the routine even as dogtails swat
his face. Alex was pretty much always thinking about Brittany,
(09:28):
her heart, her life, her very public struggles. He knew
her moves, her music, the events of her career inside
out for you Britney fans. Yes, that's a reference. Alex
was obsessed with working her song titles into everyday conversation.
It was like he cared about her as much as
he cared about himself. I'm sure you've noticed that I'm
(09:52):
talking about Alex in the past tense. Well. He could
get through the choreography to work Bitch without stumbling, matter
what obstacles, Dogtail or otherwise got in his way. The
obstacles of his life proved a lot more challenging. As
much space as Brittany took up in his head, something
else loomed even larger, his depression. He would get on
(10:17):
top of it, sometimes even for extended stretches, times when
he would seem like he was getting better, but it
was always there, waiting to pull him back down. One
December evening in I received a message that changed my
life forever, a message that would send me on the
journey I'm on now. It was a week after I
(10:37):
turned in my second book to my editor and got
back online after a three month social media break. I
was in my tiny studio apartment, cherishing the first three
days I had had in months. I sat at the
kitchen counter, my dog tuna asleep on the bed a
few feet away. As I mindlessly scrolled through Twitter, I
noticed an unread email from a few minutes earlier, delivered
(10:59):
at seven pm exactly. It was from Alex, who I
hadn't heard from all year, the longest we've ever gone
without talking. Actually, I had felt a steady drip of
worry over his prolonged absence, for sure, but I was
struggling with some major obstacles of my own at the time,
and for Alex disappearing was not unheard of. It was concerning,
(11:23):
but it also felt kind of par for the course
another one of his off the grid periods. Seeing the
emails subject line my name repeated three times, all in
lower case Chris. Chris. Chris filled me with a strange
mix of relief, finally a sign of him, and also dread.
(11:48):
Is this an email to tell me off for being absent?
I wondered, for being a bad friend. But it wasn't that, Chris.
The email began. Listen, I'm writing to let you know
that when you receive this scheduled email, I will no
longer be alive. At first, I couldn't even make sense
(12:11):
of what I was reading. I just sat in front
of my computer frozen. When I felt like I could
move again, I emailed him back right away. I love
you so fucking much, I wrote, I've been trying to
reach you. I really hope you see this. Please call me.
Then I grabbed my phone, scrolled to his contact and
(12:32):
hit call. Maybe he changed his mind, Maybe he forgot
to cancel this email. Maybe he was dying but not
dead and I could intervene. I had to at least try.
When I couldn't reach him over the phone, I texted
my friend Carrie. I didn't know what to do next,
and frankly, I needed someone outside the situation to confirm
(12:52):
that this was really happening. Kerry, who's a talented investigative journalist,
offered to help arrange a wellness check, but as I
spoke with her, I realized that, despite my once frequent
contact with Alex, I had no idea what his current
address even was. I found a photo he had sent
me of a letter from the city about a parking ticket,
(13:13):
and after zooming in, I deciphered the address. With that
in hand, Carrie helped me reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline,
whose volunteers calmly offered to help send someone to check
at the address. He hadn't lived there in months, though,
and the new residents had no clue where he had gone.
Feeling out of options, I sat there rereading his email
(13:35):
over and over, looking for any sort of clue in
it that he might be okay, while messaging anyone I
could find, his friend Beth, who he had connected me
with over Twitter, strangers he was tagged in photos with
on Instagram, anyone I could find online, trying to locate
someone who could track him down and tell me it
(13:55):
wasn't true. As I did that, Carrie worked to find
his family's contact information online, and I would eventually reach
them by the end of the night. But in the
time in between, while I waited to hear back from someone, anyone,
I paced the tight space between my computer and my
bad nauseous, before collapsing onto my sheets, wrapping Tuna in
(14:19):
my arms and refusing to let go. They wouldn't find
his body for another day, but as I held my
normally very aloof dog close, I knew that Alex was gone.
Even now, the immensity of what I felt in that
moment evades words. It was the thing Alex sometimes feared
(14:39):
he was. It was too much. Outside of the shock
of its very existence. Much of Alex's goodbye email to
me was unsurprising. He even did his signature thing of
working Brittany references into the text. But near the end
of his email, almost as a kind of afterthought, was
(15:00):
a SoundCloud link. Oh, he wrote, here's Alice Recordings. I
didn't click the link in the overwhelming panic of that
first night, but the next day I followed it to
a private SoundCloud page, one only accessible to someone given
the link. The page was simple, just two audio files.
(15:21):
The account's display name was all in lower case Hillary
d I assume for the Disney star and musician Hillary Duff.
He loved using celebrity names for random things like this.
One time he created a profile on Venmo under the
name Nicole Ritchie and used it to send me three
cents out of the blue, just so I'd get a
notification that Nicole Ritchie had sent me money. In the
(15:43):
space where you put with the payments for he wrote
Savage Garden c D. The first of the two audio
files had Part two in the file name, even though
there was no sign of a part one. Very Alex,
I hit play on the second clip, the one that
didn't say part in case it was part one, it wasn't.
(16:03):
The first thing I heard was her my Twitter. My
Twitter is Banana Alan and I created it today and
um Banana Allen Alice. Hearing her that voice, that laugh,
I was immediately flooded with memories of Alex telling me
(16:25):
about her, this mysterious figure he met online, A mysterious
figure who happens to sound eerily similar to Britney Spears. Yeah,
I didn't understand. I don't think. I really don't think
Britney Spears would go on a tiny chat and talking
to her. I really don't doubt it. Alex had told
me about Alice, but before receiving his goodbye email, I
(16:47):
hadn't thought about her in years. For a period of
time in the early Alice would appear in online spaces
frequented by obsessed Britney fans, talking with them in a
voice chat room and tweeting under the handle Banana Alice
Banana as in the name of the snake used in
Brittany's iconic two thous performance. Alice would coyly deny being
(17:09):
Brittany when asked, before laughing exactly like the elusive pop star.
Oh my god, that was Alice. Here's Brittany. Brittany laughs
(17:29):
a lot, and her laughter is infectious, but there have
been stretches where her fans have gone without hearing it
as much, especially since two thousand seven, one of the
most tumultuous years of her career. In two thousand seven,
Brittany was everywhere, on the cover of every celebrity magazine,
the top of every gossip blog. Cable news covered her
(17:51):
every move, every outing, every court date, every outrageous joke
she made to whichever member of the paparazzi was within
earshot to make a turn out. What would they let
you in Britney? What do you think, Air, I mean
I can get on the hop? Yeah right. This time
(18:14):
in Britney's life is seared in the minds of those
of us who came of age with her. The custody battles,
head shaving, supposedly disastrous Vimes performance of Give Me More,
which for the record, I really enjoyed, and all the
signs of distress that talk show hosts and comedians used
as low hanging joke fodder. You know, Britney still thinks
(18:34):
the earth is flat, We're going to tune in to
see her, you know, if she can sort of function
through the thing right, something Britney Spears has lost in
the past year. Her eyes were open, her lips were moving,
She remade conscious the entire time. It was the greatest
(18:55):
impression of an office worker embarrassing themselves at a holiday
party I have ever seen. Brittany emerged with a bang
as the biggest star in the world, but less than
a decade later, to the world she was coming undone.
Newspapers readied her obituary to go to press at a
moment's notice, as the public settled in with popcorn to
(19:18):
witness the spectacle of her dark night of the soul.
While much of the world pointed and laughed, this difficult
time in Brittany's life had a different impact on some.
It not only endeared her to many of her already
adoring fans, it also cracked open the hard exterior of
some people like me, who either hadn't paid her much
(19:41):
notice or had even dismissed her growing up. We became
invested in her and her well being after seeing her struggle.
We watched in worry as she spiraled and felt immense
joy as she seemed to climb her way back out.
Alice denied being Brittany, but some of the fans who
spent full days on Brittany fan forums were convinced otherwise
(20:05):
because of her voice, but also smaller things, subtle mannerisms,
little moments that betrayed a vulnerability like the kind they
saw in Brittany. And these were the fans, like Alex,
who felt that they knew Brittany best. The prospect that
Alice and Brittany were one and the same would have
(20:25):
been thrilling. Here perhaps was a chance to connect with
the unreachable star that they felt they already knew. Even
I have to admit, Alice sounds just like Brittany. The light,
vocal fry, the playful candor, every word almost like a wink.
If I ever said her name, yeah, would I continued
(20:50):
listening to the audio. At one point, the other people
in the chat room with Alice begin discussing the rumors that,
under her strict conservatorship. More on that in a minute,
Brittany doesn't have access to a phone or computer, an
idea that's persisted among many Britney fans for years. It's
a computer, Uh, I think Brittany knows that computer she
(21:16):
doesn't have all, and she didn't have a computer, I'm
sure she has like a mac bug or something. Listening
to this clip, it's strange to hear them talk about
Brittany as if she isn't there well at the same
time knowing some of them think, or at least hope,
that Alice is Brittany. It's like they're trying to wink
(21:37):
and nudge her into confessing who she is. The pokes
almost work. Alice clears her throat in that clip, like
she wants to correct them or just remind them that
she's still there listening, but the winks and nudges continue. So, Alice,
do people ever think you're Brittany? Like when you're just
out and about on your daily routine that I think
your Brittany. Ever? Alice doesn't take the bait though, No,
(22:00):
because I don't look like her at all. They're playing
a kind of tug of war with Alice, but behind
the prodding there are serious concerns. This idea that Brittany
either doesn't know how to work a computer or doesn't
have one at all, is driven by years of speculation
about Britney's lack of freedom and how isolated she may be.
(22:24):
In two thousand eight, Brittany was placed under a conservatorship,
which put her under the care of her father and
essentially gave him full legal control over her life, her career,
and with a co conservator, her finances. If you're not familiar,
a conservatorship is a legal arrangement typically reserved for people
living with dementia or a profound mental illness that makes
(22:46):
everyday functioning difficult. In other words, it's really only instituted
in the most extreme circumstances where a person cannot care
for themselves or make sound decisions in their own best interest. Yet,
less than a year after being placed under her conservatorship,
Brittany kicked off a massive comeback, reaching heights she hadn't
(23:07):
since her debut, several number one singles, multiple album releases,
world tours, and eventually an immensely profitable Las Vegas residency.
With each passing year of Brittany's conservatorship, her fans grew
more concerned. They started scouring her social media for clues
that she was trying to signal displeasure with the arrangement
(23:28):
to the world, discussing some of her leaked songs like
Rebellion and trying to decode messages in the lyrics, circulating
handwritten notes purportedly authored by Brittany herself early on in
her conservatorship, in which she says she wants to be
out of it, tweeting clips from for the Record, a
documentary produced for her comeback in two thousand eight, which
(23:49):
is full of moments where Brittney talks about how controlled
and orchestrated her life feels. Fan concerns reached a fever
pitch in the final year of Alex's life when Brittany
canceled her second Las Vegas residency not long after it
was announced and went quiet on social media. Months later,
it was reported she had checked into a mental health facility,
(24:11):
and some thought she was made to do so against
her will. There was speculation that her Instagram account, one
of the few places she seemed to present her unvarnished self,
wasn't run by Brittany anymore. Her captions, for instance, were
known for being littered with emojis, but a post after
checking into the facility featured an out of place, low
(24:32):
fi emoticon. It was a small detail, but to die
hard fans something felt off. From then on, her Instagram
comments were dominated by people picking apart her posts and
digging for meaning. Three emojis mean s O S and
red always means alarm. If you need help, wear yellow
(24:53):
in your next video. Brittany post a picture of a painting.
Next if you're not okay. See this was posted into December,
but I think it's really from the trip posted in October.
There's something with that tree. Guys, She's always near that tree,
praying for your freedom. You're not alone. We'd love you.
(25:13):
After that, the speculation had gained enough traction that the
digitally driven Free Brittany movement, once a fringe idea among
her most dedicated fans, began breaking into the mainstream. It's
the Battle over Brittany. Pop star Britney Spears parents faced
off in court as they fight over conservatorship of their
daughter Leslie Marinez live in downtown l A. With the
(25:36):
tails on the battle over conservatorship and the fan movement
to Free Brittany. By six months after I got Alex's email,
questions about Britney's well being were all over the Internet.
They reached far beyond a core group of fans like
those in Alice's chat room, or the handful of protesters
(25:58):
who picketed conservatorship or at hearings. Even before New York
Times documentary on Brittany's Conservatorship launched the movement to the
next level, hashtag free Brittany would regularly trend on Twitter
and TikTok's suggesting she has no control over her life
accumulated millions of views. The comments that flood Brittany's Instagram
(26:19):
posts now are primarily focused on her well being. They
are passionate and mostly sympathetic. By and large, the conversation
about Britney's mental health looks and feels very different now
than it did just a decade ago. When Alex and
I first bonded over how much we loved her. We
were very defensive of her back then, fiercely protective after
(26:43):
how much she and her mental health had been ridiculed. Today,
while far from perfect, public discussions about Brittany at least
have a lot more of that tenderness that once felt
so unique to my conversations with Alex. But while the
comments on Brittany's and Graham posts are rife with messages
from fans inquiring if she's okay, and asking her to
(27:05):
communicate secret messages by wearing certain colors of clothing. Brittany
herself mostly broadcasts her love of dance, does Hallway fashion
shows full of twirls and hair tosses, and posts wholesome
themes and Bible verses. She is sharing, but mostly stuff
that stays safely at the surface, kind of like how
(27:28):
Alex would post funny content online while reserving more difficult
subjects for our phone calls. Scrolling through her Instagram after
Alex's death, I wonder how okay Brittany really is. And
like her other fans, I searched her posts for clues,
but I'm looking for something else. Unlike her other fans,
(27:51):
I search for hints of another sort, hints that she
might have known my friend. Would it really be so
(28:14):
surprising that a star as reclusive as Brittany, one who
has been hurt by the public as much as she has,
might go online in search of connection, and that this
search could have led her to Alex. If Brittany did
go seeking anonymous connection, she wouldn't be the first celebrity
to do so. There's actually a long history of it.
(28:37):
Here's Dave Holmes, who as an MTV VJ back in
the TRL era had a front row seat to Brittany's
meteoric rise and the struggles that soon followed. I mean,
Michael Jackson used to dress up and go door to
door as a Jehovah's Witness, like in a fat suit
and prosthetics and stuff like, just to have quote unquote
(28:57):
normal conversations with people. Michael Jackson, who grew up as
a Jehovah's Witness, couldn't connect with anyone about his faith
or about anything really without his celebrity getting in the way. Today,
thanks to the Internet, famous people have an even easier
time flying under the radar when they need to know
(29:17):
prosthetics needed. Stars like Donald Glover have spoken about trying
to find community online under the relief of anonymity, and
he's definitely not alone. For celebrities who want to connect
and feel normal, the Internet can provide a way to
reach out and find people who can see the human
behind the hype. For a star as misunderstood as Brittany,
(29:38):
the appeal seems obvious. I can absolutely see someone like
her whose face and name and image she's a little
bit lost control of talking anonymously to somebody and saying
what she really thinks, in not having to second guess it,
and figuring out who she is outside of the industry
that has sprung up around name. Yeah, I mean that
(30:01):
that actually seems really healthy. I'm not a global superstar,
but I've done the same thing as a closeted queer teenager.
I sought out Internet strangers who might understand me better
than the people around me. But I've done this as
an adult too. More and more of us turned to
the Internet to experiment with identity, confess our secrets, and
(30:22):
find consolation. If people in our situations turned to the
Internet for connection and community, I can only imagine Brittany,
who is pretty much unable to meet anyone who doesn't
already have all kinds of ideas about who she is,
might see the Internet as a safe place too. As
I started thinking about why Brittany might seek out online connection,
(30:44):
I suddenly remembered that Alex didn't just follow Alice on
Twitter or join in on her group voice chats. He
also texted with her years ago. He sent me screenshots
of some of their exchanges. As soon as I remembered this,
I went back through our texts and found them in
a near frenzy. The funny, tender snippets of conversation I
(31:04):
uncovered made me all the more curious about what all
they had shared and what sides of Alex Alice saw.
After all, as I learned from a small group of
Alex's friends in the weeks and months after his death,
we all got different pieces of him. Which pieces of
Alex did Alice get? Alex would pretend to believe in
(31:28):
a number of Brittany fan conspiracies, and you sometimes couldn't
tell how serious he was being. He was never one
to say just kidding after a joke. For example, when
he sent me that video message wishing me a happy birthday,
I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. It
(31:48):
was actually my thirty one. But based on what he
told me and the significance of him including a link
to these audio files and his goodbye email, I think
Alex might have really thought that Alice was Brittany. Maybe
my friends are always making fun of me for being
irritating Lee skeptical. They're not wrong. It's an annoyingly large
(32:13):
part of my personality. This is true on a very
superficial level. I worked in atheism for my entire twenties,
like working on atheists stuff at Harvard and Yale, directing
an atheist nonprofit, going on cable news to talk about
being an atheist, writing a book on atheism. I'm not kidding.
I was literally a professional skeptic, and though it's no
(32:35):
longer the full time focus of my career, I continue
to be driven by a skeptical impulse in my work
today as a professor in a department of religion and
philosophy and a writer on Internet culture. But I'm also
just pretty skeptical in general. This can be harmless. For example,
I'm always forced to walk at the front anytime a
friend group goes through a haunted house because I have
the hardest time suspending my disbelief that these aren't just
(32:58):
teenagers and cheap masks jumping out from behind even cheaper props.
But my skepticism also gets in the way. Sometimes I
questioned myself and my own thinking a lot, and I
have a hard time putting my faith in anything but
the idea that Alex might have had faith in Alice.
It gives me pause. Whoever she was, I want to
(33:20):
understand why she compelled him. I want to see what
he saw in her. In the weeks following Alex's email,
I ran an online fundraiser so his body could be
claimed and his cremation paid for, and I worked with
show She and Lexi to plan his memorial or memory whole,
as I jokingly proposed, we call it in a moment
of severe sleep deprivation. Unfortunately, they loved it and so
(33:44):
we used it, which was fitting. It's genuinely what Alex
would have called it himself. I did all this because
I loved Alex and I wanted to help, but also
because I was trying to stay busy and keep moving
as much as I could. If I am a ghost,
Alex wrote in his email to me, I will come
(34:05):
say hello and will always be a friendly ghost like Casper.
But Harry, I won't hunt you unless you're being mean,
or if you're like abusing a dog. I haven't seen
or sensed Alex since he died, but I am haunted
by Alex's death and by the questions it left. I know.
(34:26):
I am so lucky to have his email this goodbye.
It answers questions so many people are left with when
someone dies, especially when someone dies by suicide. But still
there's so much unknown. If only I could explain, Alex wrote,
but he couldn't. The questions that linger are ones his
(34:47):
email could never answer. But in those first weeks after
his death, I couldn't help but wonder or hope if
perhaps Alice could. Wondering if Alice could help answer my
sans about Alex gives rise to others. Brittany, like Alex,
had been told by the world that she is too much,
(35:09):
that she feels too much, does too much, wants too much,
that she should be less, smaller, quieter, which is another
way of saying that she should be a different person altogether.
If Alex really was talking to Brittany, as far fetched
as that may sound, did he make her feel valid
(35:29):
the same thing Alex did for me. In one of
the texts Alex sent me a screenshot of years ago,
during an exchange about their mental health, Alice said to Alex,
I've never met anyone who I can relate to on
this level. I'm curious what else they shared. Did she
know he was going to end his life? Does she
(35:51):
even know he's gone? Could she help me understand my
friend better? I went back to the SoundCloud clips he
sent several more times replaying them again and again, especially
the spots where it's just Alex and Alice talking. Yeah,
an echo? I don't hear an echo? How do you call?
(36:13):
Do you have like a like an app? Or whatever?
Form my fun Before long I began to feel like
one of Britney's Instagram followers, obsessively trying to connect the dots.
Why was there an echo? Why was Alex asking about
a calling app? Eventually, though, my skepticism started to come back.
(36:38):
Maybe Alice was just another joke Alex didn't say just
kidding after Maybe he didn't believe in her at all
and I just couldn't see it. Maybe there were other
things I missed along the way too. Why didn't I
know that Alex had gone to such a dark place
in the final year of his life. Why didn't I
ask him more questions, not about Alice, but about how
(37:01):
he was doing when I had the chance. I can't
ask Alex anymore, so if I want answers, I'll need
to ask someone else. Maybe this is why. In the
days after Alex's death, as I mourned my friend and
tried to make sense of what happened, I kept coming
back to my questions about this person with a laugh
(37:22):
that sounds just like our idols. Who is she? Is
it Brittany doesn't matter? Can I find her next time
on Unread? Do you feel like that name of like
Charlie and always study in Philadelphia in the office, like
surrounded by like putting strings in one of my favorite
(37:44):
memes ever. And that's kind of how I picture you
making this podcast.
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