February 24, 2021 • 25 mins
Have you ever noticed that being pregnant seems to give everyone license to offer unsolicited advice? And make comments about everything from your habits to your body? This week, Heidi and Emma are turning to the What To Expect community for the most shocking things they’ve heard while expecting. And, listeners are also sharing the best advice and comments they’ve received about pregnancy and parenting, from the inspirational to the practical.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Who baby a baby? I need you, Oh hell, I
need you. What to Expect is a production of I
Heart Radio. I'm your host Heidi Murkop, and I'm a
mom on a mission, a mission to help you know
(00:21):
what to expect every step of the way. Have I
noticed that there's just something about a baby bump that
brings out the busybody in everybody, that breaks down social
barriers and norms that usually keep strangers minding their own business,
that has everyone and your mother playing the pregnancy police
(00:43):
or the pregnancy expert, predicting your baby sex, or speculating
on your due date, or even making cracks about your
family planning fail. Of course you have. And let's face it,
we are all looking for advice when we're expecting. Chances
are you already turned to people who've been there before
(01:03):
for a little insight and intel. It's probably why you're
listening to this podcast. And today we are turning the
tables and turning to you are What to Expect Community
to share the best and worst pregnancy advice and comments
you've ever received, the things that have shocked or offended you,
(01:24):
and the things that have helped motivate and inspire you.
Because as you know, we are all in this together,
and I am together with Emma. Hey, Emma, when you
were pregnant both times, Okay, we can safely assume that
of the unwanted advice you got from me, and then
you didn't follow like that aircraft to get other comments
(01:50):
that bugged you or rubbed you the wrong way. No,
I think the only thing is wow, you look so small.
I mean, I think that's like a double edged sword.
Need to say that to a pregnant keep it to
yourself exactly. I'm actually really grateful that I didn't have
any comments like that towards me, because I literally would
have had a meltdown. Yeah, I'm very insecure to be
(02:12):
in my youth, So I just don't you that fuel
added to that insecurity fire. Yeah, I mean me, it's
really hard for me to remember that far back. I mean,
I wasn't that young. I was twenty three. I was
a grown up, But I remember people looking at me
a little bit funny because I gave off this kind
of teen mom vibe and Eric dad, he was a
(02:35):
grown up, you know, it was clear that he had
gotten me knocked up, so that it seemed like awkward
for everyone yeah, yeah, I like it. There was a
girlfriend of Eric's friend who asked to see my bump,
like we're all sitting around and she said, oh, let
me see your belly because we didn't call it bumps
back then, it was belly. And I was so excited
(02:56):
and I lifted up my shirt and I was so
proud of my ump and she goes, wow, that's really furry.
You got so much further. I was mortified. That's normal, Okay, relaxed,
turbo sit down. Yeah, no, we're all furry when we're pregnant.
I know it goes away. Babies are usually born furry too,
(03:17):
so you can exactly keep those comments to yourself. I mean,
I have to admit that I've made some comments that
I later regretted. I think we all have. But like recently,
at a USO baby shower, a mom was there. She
didn't have a baby with her, and usually either the
mom is pregnant or she has her baby with her. Well,
this mom, I didn't have a baby with her, so
(03:37):
I assumed she was pregnized. That what's your due date?
And she said, oh, I already had the baby. The
baby's home with my husband. And I was like oh no, sorry, So, yeah,
I'm a little bit more careful now, but yeah, never
assume a woman is pregnant or speculate about her to day.
Now she wants to tell you, she'll tell you. So
(03:59):
we asked our moms on social media and the what
to Expect message boards to find out what comments. You
are all just sick and tired of hearing You're already
sick and tired when you're pregnant, but now you're sick
and tired of hearing these things. And first, um, what
we heard so much was that pregnant moms seemed to
be sick of the dire warnings, like the worst case
(04:21):
scenarios that everybody is always giving you. So if you're
listening out there, the bottom line is nobody wants to
hear your horror stories. Every pregnancy is different, and because
you're probably exaggerating the story that that's what tends to
happen naturally. You know a mom who's been through the
ring or you know, during labor and delivery, she embellishes
(04:42):
the story every time she tells it, and it truly
does become a horror story, and nobody wants to hear
that when they're about to go into labor. So some
of the common responses were labor is so painful. You
know people telling you that, Like, duh, we can assume
that paper is painful. It's going to hurt. But I
(05:03):
don't see why you have to tell a mom that
one she's pregnant. I also remember, you're not going to
remember that pain. If you remember that pain, no one
would have more than one kid. It's true, although I
kind of think I do remember the pain. Yeah, but
you also had a natural birth. I had an epidural,
so well that's true. Then of course you're not going
to remember. That's what epidurals were made for. So anyway,
(05:25):
something else they're sick of hearing is you're never going
to sleep again, or you think you're tired. Now you
just wait. I'm guilty of saying that to so many people,
so you might want to rethink that strategy. Yeah, this
whole episode has made me rethink my whole life, so
I'm glad me too. I feel like I've said so
many things that could have been offensive, so probably best
(05:47):
to just yeah or edit yourself when in doubt, just
be quiet. Yeah, you got some from your Instagram that
we're pretty yeah. The best one was enjoy every second,
and then she put the nausea emoji because like a
lot of people are puking for nine months and they're like, okay, yeah,
I'm going to enjoy every second, praying to the porcelain gods,
(06:10):
thank you. I love that. Another one is life is
about to end. I won't be anything I want ever again.
And then the mom's like, okay, well, life actually began
when I had my son, and I thought that was awesome.
She took a negative and turned it into a positive.
The truth is your life begins. It really does. So
I really like that way of thinking. It's a different life,
(06:33):
better in some ways, even better in other ways. And
then there's the rest. We don't need to, you know,
go there with her when she's still pregnant. Let her
find out and decide for herself. Of the moms were
(07:00):
bothered by the endless barrage of questions. I don't know
if you got any of these, emma, but you know,
are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? You know, what are
your plans to feed the baby? Insert judgment? How long
were you trying? Like? Seriously, okay, my sex, like my
sex life unless it's mad, then I'll tell you all
about my sex life. But for most people, they don't
(07:21):
like to talk about that, especially you know what, like
that's not a fair question because someone had infertility problems
or they couldn't get pregnant for a while. There's so
many varitables about becoming pregnant, so let's just not go there.
If she wants to volunteer it, then let her be
the one to share. This one surprised me a lot
because a lot of people said they don't like being
(07:42):
asked how are you feeling now? I asked this of
pregnant women all the time, but it's because I care
and like, I want them to share if they have,
you know, symptoms that are bothering them, or if they
just want to say they feel great. But a lot
of you reported being tired of repeating you know how
(08:02):
I'm feeling. I'm tired, and I'm Cassie and I'm uncomfortable,
my bad hurts my crot shirts, or on the other hand,
you know, tired of just lying and saying, oh, I
feel fine because it leads to an easier conversation. What
do you think about the question? Yeah, I was surprised
by that, although I do get it, I sometimes feel like, Okay,
I just don't want to talk to anybody right now,
(08:24):
so I just don't talk to me. So I kind
of understand that, but I mean people care after. I mean,
if it's a family member or like your best friend, like,
you can't really fault them for caring exactly, but it's
still sometimes it gets annoying, I guess. So some of
the most common questions are rhetorical and just plain rude.
(08:44):
You're still pregnant, like when is that baby going to
be born already? Um? And then there's the perennial favorite
are you sure you're not having twins? People on my
Instagram they're like, they're like, are you sure there's only one?
M nice? And then there's a question when you have twins,
(09:05):
or you tell someone you're expecting twins and they're like, oh,
did you have fertility treatment? Okay, zipp at peanut Gallery
and there are moms like you, you had IVF with
lenox I put two babies in there, yeah, and you
would probably be happy to discuss you know, your fertility treins,
(09:25):
But like, exactly, I'm not everybody. I will be happy
to talk about anything, anything, all day, any day. But
most people, especially you know, pregnant women, are not like me,
especially people who are going through those kinds of struggles.
They don't want to talk about it. Yeah, and I
mean some moms are happy to talk about it, especially
if they can help another mom out who might be
(09:46):
facing those fertility struggles themselves. I mean, that might be
why they're asking, not just because they're nosy, although they
might just be nosy. I've had moms say when they're
asked about their twins, they say, well, they were made
with love, so which is true, Like they were made
with love, even if they were made in you know,
a laboratory or if they were made in bed. Another
(10:06):
comeback that some moms give is well, we had sex
twice in the same night. Well, like who hasn't at
some point in her eyes, sometimes five times. Um Unsolicited
advice was a big theme. Not surprisingly, some moms said
they've been told over and over you can drink in
the third trimester. Well, that is a discussion between a
(10:28):
woman and her doctor, not a woman and you stranger person.
The person in like the grocery store exactly, and the
you should comments like you should eat this, you should
sleep now you should buy this and you should shut up.
You should shut up, Yes, definitely, And I mean you
(10:49):
had some odd ones that I had never heard before. Yeah,
I had some bizarre ones. I had someone say someone
told her not to eat mustard, and someone said, don't
eat spicy food. So, first of all, if anyone told
you not to eat mustard, you probably would have flipped mustard. Yeah,
you love mustard um and hot food. I mean I've
heard people say that, oh, it's gonna make the baby's
(11:13):
eyes burn or something. No. Yeah, it's just like the
whole thing, like when a man's like, I'm scared to
have sex. I don't want my penis to hit the
baby in the head. Well it's not bulls. Don't don't
have sex and eat spicy food at the same time.
And then, of course the pregnancy police are everywhere, everywhere, everywhere,
(11:33):
so many Karen's up in here. Yeah, like the woman
at Starbucks who says, are you sure you should be
having that giant coffee drink? So many people have said
that people in Starbucks has actually come up to them
and said, are you sure you've been drinking that when
you're pregnant? And then like say you were in a
restaurant and you're drinking something out of a cocktail glass.
(11:55):
You should not be drinking. I don't make those assumptions.
And again, it's a conversation between a doctor and a mom,
not between you busybody person, or you shouldn't be carrying
that heavy bag or that toddler. There was a mom
online who said that her mother in law forbade her
(12:17):
to hold the toddler right, yeah, while she was at
her house. Yeah, that's another conversation with the doctor. Now
with you mother in law. Yeah, I love you. But
everybody has an opinion. Opinions are like you know what,
because everybody has one. Oh yeah, um, And then there
that don't gain too much weight and don't eat too
much sugar. Again, check with the doctor with the person
(12:41):
checking you out of the store. Oh and speaking of that,
there's the family planning police too, apparently, because one mom
was at a store, she was pregnant and she had
her very young toddler with her, and then checker said,
I kid you not, I hope you're ready to be
a single mother of two under two. And she was
(13:02):
actually married, not that it mattered, right, Like this was
none of this woman's business. She was married, but her
ring didn't fit anymore because of pregnancy. Plus so she
wasn't wearing a ring. But who did she think she
is making that? Who are these people? Like? Where in
your head? Is that okay to say? But but also
it is okay to be a single mother of course,
(13:22):
Like I want to know who this woman is so
I can go into that store and just have a
word with her. You and me both, honey, you and
me both. A few moms who have closely space babies
are also tired of hearing, wow, you all are fast,
or isn't it time to start using birth control once again?
A conversation? You just jealous that I'm sleeping with my husband,
(13:46):
not with you, not with you. I feel like people
who say that are just jealous that those you know,
parents are having so much sex enough to get pregnant
two months after they have a baby. And of course,
there were lots of comments on pregnant woman's bodies, which
seemed to be like community property somehow, Right when you're pregnant,
(14:07):
everybody thinks they know something about your body that you
should know. You're not pregnant. We're all pregnant. And this
was one of the most common things you responded about.
Not surprisingly, we have some personal stories too. So yeah,
my father in law, Norm, I've told this story before,
but to this day he always says to pregnant women,
(14:27):
so when you have in the twins, he said that
to me times right, And he also did say to me, Um,
you're starting to look pregnant from behind, ye remember with me,
and your face is starting to look pregnant. Thanks Norm.
I do love Norm, but still I love him. Um,
he should be careful to tread lately. Our producer's father
(14:48):
in law, he said, when she announced her pregnancy, the
first words were, actually, pregnancy is not an excuse, by
the way, to eat lots of ice cream and gain
a of weight, not congratulations. Were so excited for you?
So the ice cream not cool. A lot of moms
(15:09):
told me they were sick of hearing wow, you're about
to pop ps. They were like, twenty six weeks. That
was not something they wanted to hear. People are a
real dream team. Oh, don't make assumptions about a woman's
doo days. Essentially, because healthy babies come in all kinds
of packages. I can tell you're having a girl because
(15:29):
you're caring so wide, or you're having a girl because
girls take your beauty. Well, yeah, you can do the
math on that one. That's really such a compliment. Or
you're caring so small, and what that does is make
you worry that something's wrong with the baby. It sounds
like a compliment, but then it's the way a pregnant
woman's brain works is she's already going to stress out,
(15:52):
and then you're caring so low, and then you stress
out that you're gonna have the baby pre term. It's
not like any one means harm with these comments. You know,
they're just trying to enjoy your pregnancy with you to
participate in it. But I think there's a lesson to
all of us. This was a common thing that mom
said on your social media, So what were some of
(16:14):
the things that you heard? To your face? Is so full?
Pregnant too, you're so big. There's no way you're making
it to your due day. I mean like that kind
of thing, And honestly, like I know myself and that's
your trigger. I feel like you're very different. You know,
how would you react. I'm a bit of a tongue biter,
(16:36):
so it would take a lot for me to actually
say what I was really thinking and maybe I'll tell
someone later. But you know, then again, it's totally fine
to explode if that's what you're feeling and you need
to vent. It depends on the day. For me, Like
I've been known to get into altercations with other people
when it comes to like other people, like I saw
this guy at Starbucks being mean to this older lady.
(16:58):
I'll totally fight kind of situation when it comes to myself,
Like if I'm pregnant, I feel like I'm a little
bit more measured submissive. So I'm gonna obsess about it
for like eight months internally. Internally, I'm gonna obsess about it.
I'm gonna cry, it's gonna be at the forefront of
my mind and I'm not gonna get over. But not
just my personality. No, and it's completely valid. So let's
(17:22):
not say this to pregnant women anymore. Just say you
look beautiful. So we asked our community the best advice
(17:42):
they ever got when they were pregnant and when they
were new parents, and some of it was motivational, like
you look beautiful, you look like you're flourishing. Enjoy your
body and your waking, enjoy the newborn days. They go
too fast. One that sounded inspirational slash motivational wasn't to
(18:05):
the mom who received it. The person said, you're going
to love being pregnant. Yes, she did not love being pregnant.
Spoiler alert yes, so that that didn't go over so well.
Every mom is different, every reaction is different. Some moms
loved hearing you're not gonna love being pregnant, and some
(18:27):
loved hearing it's okay not to love being pregnant, which
I would say plenty of moms do not love being pregnant.
It's really a crapshoot, so to speak as a patient, So, um,
I love this one. Actually, this is great, and this
is something everyone should say to every pregnant woman that
(18:47):
they care about. Let me know if you need anything
or you need to talk. I mean, that's such a simple,
great thing to say to her pregnant woman or a
new mom, and it leaves the door open. It's not
assuming or presuming. Is leaving the door open that if
she needs something, she knows that she can come to.
And that could be if she's depressed or anxious or
(19:11):
you know, having a really rough time. She knows someone
is there for her, and that's that's a great gift. Exactly. Emma,
you've got some great practical advice for moms on your Instagram.
Oh gosh, somebody, these are so good. Okay, so a
lot of people recommend journaling. Yeah, I did like two
pages of a journal and I quit. But that's just
my personality. It's such a great thing. It's really great
(19:32):
for like releasing and just like memories. This is the
best one. Okay, she said, create an email address now,
send pictures and notes, and give the log in to
your child when they turn eighteen. That's awesome. Well it's
still work. Yeah, technology change or something. I mean, I've
had a all for like twenty years, that's true. Yeah,
(19:54):
I mean that's kind of like a variation of what
moms used to do, like write a letter to your baby,
which you can still do, or you can make a
little time capsule. Yeah, so this is like the millennial version.
I love it. Yeah, me too. Drink lots of water,
don't be ashamed to ask for help, and ask for
help when you need it. My friend actually said, your mom,
(20:17):
how do you telling me how to push out a baby?
And the baby was out in six minutes, which is
ironic because I don't listen to anything you say. And
I pushed forever and I couldn't figure out how to push.
So maybe I should have taken some advice I was.
I was right by your side telling you how to push.
When I didn't. I was just too concerned I was
going to poop in front of my husband. I did
(20:37):
not want to. So as everybody should know, you push
like you're going to have the biggest poop of your life.
So I tell this some mom's all the time when
they're worried about the pushing part, I tell them, yeah,
just look down, look down past your belly, and don't
push with your face, because that's what I did, and
I ended up with bruce is all over the place.
(20:59):
I just couldn't at how to push. It's just not
my talent um. Other things mom said they loved hearing
about where pregnancy pillows and prenatal yoga. Many people love it.
The best advice. A mom told me. She told me
she got the best advice and she didn't follow it,
and then as soon as she didn't follow it, she
immediately regretted it. And that was to read up and
(21:19):
learn about breastfeeding. I mean that could sound like something judgmental,
but in fact, the person telling her this was just
giving your heads up that breastfeeding is the natural process.
It doesn't always come naturally, and she found that out
as soon as she had her baby and wish that
she had, you know, given herself that grace, but also
(21:40):
realized that it's a process that you need to learn
and that you have to be patient while you're learning. Yeah,
it's not like the movies where they just latch on
and it's magical and the angels things. Usually sometimes it
is something else was stay off Google and so funny
because Emma Roberts posted on Instagram that she had been
(22:00):
Googling a lot, I guess and it's stressed her out.
So then she got a copy of what to expect
when you're expecting and then she felt calm and happy.
Emma thing, that was really nice. But I totally agree,
do not google. Step away from the Google. I'm so
guilty of googling. Step away from the Google. If you
have any questions, and you know, you can always ask
(22:22):
me on Facebook or Instagram, but also call your doctor
or your midwife. Yeah, don't page doctor. Google don't go
down that rabbit hole. Lots and moms also said get
an epidural. Now, Emma, that's probably your advice that you
give everyone I I do and now. Um. My top
pregnancy advice, and you've all heard this one before is
(22:43):
remember every pregnancy, every pregnant body, every labor and delivery,
every baby is different. But the funny thing about this
is that some moms on social media said that this
advice makes them sick too, and they roll their eyes out.
But it's true, it's true. But everything makes you roll
(23:06):
your eyes at some point because you hear it over
and over and over again, especially from me. I'm sorry,
I apologize in advance. Apology accepted. Other people's experiences are
fun to hear sometimes, but they don't reflect your experience. Okay,
so that's a variation on the theme. And other people's
choices are their own and they shouldn't influence your choices,
(23:29):
so don't let them get you down or make you
doubt yourself. Emma, what's the best advice you could give
pregnant and new moms besides getting epidural getting upidural? Although
of my friends are like anti epidural and didn't have
them exactly their choice. Yeah, their joys. And that's that's
my best advice. Follow your own heart and your gut,
(23:52):
because the thing is, during pregnancy is really the time
when you start developing those like maternal gut instincts and
you know, totally stay with you throughout your whole journey
and motherhood, and you've got to trust them. You gotta
learn to trust them during pregnancy because they usually don't
steer you wrong. That's a fact. So, yeah, if you're
pregnant and you're on the receiving end of all that
(24:15):
unsolicited advice, all the advice you didn't ask for, all
the advice that's pissing you off, just keep thinking about
that baby you're going to hold in your arms and
all the ship that people told you you can just
forget who baby love a baby love. I need you,
(24:41):
Oh how I need you. Thanks for listening. Remember I'm
always here for you. What to Expect is always here
for you. We're all in this together. For more on
what you heard on today's episodes, visit what to Expect
dot com slash podcast. You can all so check out
What to Expect when You're expecting, What to Expect the
(25:03):
first year, and the What to Expect app, and we
want to hear from you. Connect with us on our
community message board or on our social media. You can
find me at Heidi Murkoff and Emma at Emma Being
w t E and of course at What to Expect.
Baby Love is performed by Riley Biterer. What to Expect
(25:26):
is a production of I Heart Radio. From more shows
from I Heart Radio check out the I Heart Radio app,
Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
In my Arms, what on? Just stay Nija Nieda Baby
Baby
Who baby a baby? I need you, Oh hell, I
need you. What to Expect is a production of I
Heart Radio. I'm your host Heidi Murkop, and I'm a
mom on a mission, a mission to help you know
(00:21):
what to expect every step of the way. Have I
noticed that there's just something about a baby bump that
brings out the busybody in everybody, that breaks down social
barriers and norms that usually keep strangers minding their own business,
that has everyone and your mother playing the pregnancy police
(00:43):
or the pregnancy expert, predicting your baby sex, or speculating
on your due date, or even making cracks about your
family planning fail. Of course you have. And let's face it,
we are all looking for advice when we're expecting. Chances
are you already turned to people who've been there before
(01:03):
for a little insight and intel. It's probably why you're
listening to this podcast. And today we are turning the
tables and turning to you are What to Expect Community
to share the best and worst pregnancy advice and comments
you've ever received, the things that have shocked or offended you,
(01:24):
and the things that have helped motivate and inspire you.
Because as you know, we are all in this together,
and I am together with Emma. Hey, Emma, when you
were pregnant both times, Okay, we can safely assume that
of the unwanted advice you got from me, and then
you didn't follow like that aircraft to get other comments
(01:50):
that bugged you or rubbed you the wrong way. No,
I think the only thing is wow, you look so small.
I mean, I think that's like a double edged sword.
Need to say that to a pregnant keep it to
yourself exactly. I'm actually really grateful that I didn't have
any comments like that towards me, because I literally would
have had a meltdown. Yeah, I'm very insecure to be
(02:12):
in my youth, So I just don't you that fuel
added to that insecurity fire. Yeah, I mean me, it's
really hard for me to remember that far back. I mean,
I wasn't that young. I was twenty three. I was
a grown up, But I remember people looking at me
a little bit funny because I gave off this kind
of teen mom vibe and Eric dad, he was a
(02:35):
grown up, you know, it was clear that he had
gotten me knocked up, so that it seemed like awkward
for everyone yeah, yeah, I like it. There was a
girlfriend of Eric's friend who asked to see my bump,
like we're all sitting around and she said, oh, let
me see your belly because we didn't call it bumps
back then, it was belly. And I was so excited
(02:56):
and I lifted up my shirt and I was so
proud of my ump and she goes, wow, that's really furry.
You got so much further. I was mortified. That's normal, Okay, relaxed,
turbo sit down. Yeah, no, we're all furry when we're pregnant.
I know it goes away. Babies are usually born furry too,
(03:17):
so you can exactly keep those comments to yourself. I mean,
I have to admit that I've made some comments that
I later regretted. I think we all have. But like recently,
at a USO baby shower, a mom was there. She
didn't have a baby with her, and usually either the
mom is pregnant or she has her baby with her. Well,
this mom, I didn't have a baby with her, so
(03:37):
I assumed she was pregnized. That what's your due date?
And she said, oh, I already had the baby. The
baby's home with my husband. And I was like oh no, sorry, So, yeah,
I'm a little bit more careful now, but yeah, never
assume a woman is pregnant or speculate about her to day.
Now she wants to tell you, she'll tell you. So
(03:59):
we asked our moms on social media and the what
to Expect message boards to find out what comments. You
are all just sick and tired of hearing You're already
sick and tired when you're pregnant, but now you're sick
and tired of hearing these things. And first, um, what
we heard so much was that pregnant moms seemed to
be sick of the dire warnings, like the worst case
(04:21):
scenarios that everybody is always giving you. So if you're
listening out there, the bottom line is nobody wants to
hear your horror stories. Every pregnancy is different, and because
you're probably exaggerating the story that that's what tends to
happen naturally. You know a mom who's been through the
ring or you know, during labor and delivery, she embellishes
(04:42):
the story every time she tells it, and it truly
does become a horror story, and nobody wants to hear
that when they're about to go into labor. So some
of the common responses were labor is so painful. You
know people telling you that, Like, duh, we can assume
that paper is painful. It's going to hurt. But I
(05:03):
don't see why you have to tell a mom that
one she's pregnant. I also remember, you're not going to
remember that pain. If you remember that pain, no one
would have more than one kid. It's true, although I
kind of think I do remember the pain. Yeah, but
you also had a natural birth. I had an epidural,
so well that's true. Then of course you're not going
to remember. That's what epidurals were made for. So anyway,
(05:25):
something else they're sick of hearing is you're never going
to sleep again, or you think you're tired. Now you
just wait. I'm guilty of saying that to so many people,
so you might want to rethink that strategy. Yeah, this
whole episode has made me rethink my whole life, so
I'm glad me too. I feel like I've said so
many things that could have been offensive, so probably best
(05:47):
to just yeah or edit yourself when in doubt, just
be quiet. Yeah, you got some from your Instagram that
we're pretty yeah. The best one was enjoy every second,
and then she put the nausea emoji because like a
lot of people are puking for nine months and they're like, okay, yeah,
I'm going to enjoy every second, praying to the porcelain gods,
(06:10):
thank you. I love that. Another one is life is
about to end. I won't be anything I want ever again.
And then the mom's like, okay, well, life actually began
when I had my son, and I thought that was awesome.
She took a negative and turned it into a positive.
The truth is your life begins. It really does. So
I really like that way of thinking. It's a different life,
(06:33):
better in some ways, even better in other ways. And
then there's the rest. We don't need to, you know,
go there with her when she's still pregnant. Let her
find out and decide for herself. Of the moms were
(07:00):
bothered by the endless barrage of questions. I don't know
if you got any of these, emma, but you know,
are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? You know, what are
your plans to feed the baby? Insert judgment? How long
were you trying? Like? Seriously, okay, my sex, like my
sex life unless it's mad, then I'll tell you all
about my sex life. But for most people, they don't
(07:21):
like to talk about that, especially you know what, like
that's not a fair question because someone had infertility problems
or they couldn't get pregnant for a while. There's so
many varitables about becoming pregnant, so let's just not go there.
If she wants to volunteer it, then let her be
the one to share. This one surprised me a lot
because a lot of people said they don't like being
(07:42):
asked how are you feeling now? I asked this of
pregnant women all the time, but it's because I care
and like, I want them to share if they have,
you know, symptoms that are bothering them, or if they
just want to say they feel great. But a lot
of you reported being tired of repeating you know how
(08:02):
I'm feeling. I'm tired, and I'm Cassie and I'm uncomfortable,
my bad hurts my crot shirts, or on the other hand,
you know, tired of just lying and saying, oh, I
feel fine because it leads to an easier conversation. What
do you think about the question? Yeah, I was surprised
by that, although I do get it, I sometimes feel like, Okay,
I just don't want to talk to anybody right now,
(08:24):
so I just don't talk to me. So I kind
of understand that, but I mean people care after. I mean,
if it's a family member or like your best friend, like,
you can't really fault them for caring exactly, but it's
still sometimes it gets annoying, I guess. So some of
the most common questions are rhetorical and just plain rude.
(08:44):
You're still pregnant, like when is that baby going to
be born already? Um? And then there's the perennial favorite
are you sure you're not having twins? People on my
Instagram they're like, they're like, are you sure there's only one?
M nice? And then there's a question when you have twins,
(09:05):
or you tell someone you're expecting twins and they're like, oh,
did you have fertility treatment? Okay, zipp at peanut Gallery
and there are moms like you, you had IVF with
lenox I put two babies in there, yeah, and you
would probably be happy to discuss you know, your fertility treins,
(09:25):
But like, exactly, I'm not everybody. I will be happy
to talk about anything, anything, all day, any day. But
most people, especially you know, pregnant women, are not like me,
especially people who are going through those kinds of struggles.
They don't want to talk about it. Yeah, and I
mean some moms are happy to talk about it, especially
if they can help another mom out who might be
(09:46):
facing those fertility struggles themselves. I mean, that might be
why they're asking, not just because they're nosy, although they
might just be nosy. I've had moms say when they're
asked about their twins, they say, well, they were made
with love, so which is true, Like they were made
with love, even if they were made in you know,
a laboratory or if they were made in bed. Another
(10:06):
comeback that some moms give is well, we had sex
twice in the same night. Well, like who hasn't at
some point in her eyes, sometimes five times. Um Unsolicited
advice was a big theme. Not surprisingly, some moms said
they've been told over and over you can drink in
the third trimester. Well, that is a discussion between a
(10:28):
woman and her doctor, not a woman and you stranger person.
The person in like the grocery store exactly, and the
you should comments like you should eat this, you should
sleep now you should buy this and you should shut up.
You should shut up, Yes, definitely, And I mean you
(10:49):
had some odd ones that I had never heard before. Yeah,
I had some bizarre ones. I had someone say someone
told her not to eat mustard, and someone said, don't
eat spicy food. So, first of all, if anyone told
you not to eat mustard, you probably would have flipped mustard. Yeah,
you love mustard um and hot food. I mean I've
heard people say that, oh, it's gonna make the baby's
(11:13):
eyes burn or something. No. Yeah, it's just like the
whole thing, like when a man's like, I'm scared to
have sex. I don't want my penis to hit the
baby in the head. Well it's not bulls. Don't don't
have sex and eat spicy food at the same time.
And then, of course the pregnancy police are everywhere, everywhere, everywhere,
(11:33):
so many Karen's up in here. Yeah, like the woman
at Starbucks who says, are you sure you should be
having that giant coffee drink? So many people have said
that people in Starbucks has actually come up to them
and said, are you sure you've been drinking that when
you're pregnant? And then like say you were in a
restaurant and you're drinking something out of a cocktail glass.
(11:55):
You should not be drinking. I don't make those assumptions.
And again, it's a conversation between a doctor and a mom,
not between you busybody person, or you shouldn't be carrying
that heavy bag or that toddler. There was a mom
online who said that her mother in law forbade her
(12:17):
to hold the toddler right, yeah, while she was at
her house. Yeah, that's another conversation with the doctor. Now
with you mother in law. Yeah, I love you. But
everybody has an opinion. Opinions are like you know what,
because everybody has one. Oh yeah, um, And then there
that don't gain too much weight and don't eat too
much sugar. Again, check with the doctor with the person
(12:41):
checking you out of the store. Oh and speaking of that,
there's the family planning police too, apparently, because one mom
was at a store, she was pregnant and she had
her very young toddler with her, and then checker said,
I kid you not, I hope you're ready to be
a single mother of two under two. And she was
(13:02):
actually married, not that it mattered, right, Like this was
none of this woman's business. She was married, but her
ring didn't fit anymore because of pregnancy. Plus so she
wasn't wearing a ring. But who did she think she
is making that? Who are these people? Like? Where in
your head? Is that okay to say? But but also
it is okay to be a single mother of course,
(13:22):
Like I want to know who this woman is so
I can go into that store and just have a
word with her. You and me both, honey, you and
me both. A few moms who have closely space babies
are also tired of hearing, wow, you all are fast,
or isn't it time to start using birth control once again?
A conversation? You just jealous that I'm sleeping with my husband,
(13:46):
not with you, not with you. I feel like people
who say that are just jealous that those you know,
parents are having so much sex enough to get pregnant
two months after they have a baby. And of course,
there were lots of comments on pregnant woman's bodies, which
seemed to be like community property somehow, Right when you're pregnant,
(14:07):
everybody thinks they know something about your body that you
should know. You're not pregnant. We're all pregnant. And this
was one of the most common things you responded about.
Not surprisingly, we have some personal stories too. So yeah,
my father in law, Norm, I've told this story before,
but to this day he always says to pregnant women,
(14:27):
so when you have in the twins, he said that
to me times right, And he also did say to me, Um,
you're starting to look pregnant from behind, ye remember with me,
and your face is starting to look pregnant. Thanks Norm.
I do love Norm, but still I love him. Um,
he should be careful to tread lately. Our producer's father
(14:48):
in law, he said, when she announced her pregnancy, the
first words were, actually, pregnancy is not an excuse, by
the way, to eat lots of ice cream and gain
a of weight, not congratulations. Were so excited for you?
So the ice cream not cool. A lot of moms
(15:09):
told me they were sick of hearing wow, you're about
to pop ps. They were like, twenty six weeks. That
was not something they wanted to hear. People are a
real dream team. Oh, don't make assumptions about a woman's
doo days. Essentially, because healthy babies come in all kinds
of packages. I can tell you're having a girl because
(15:29):
you're caring so wide, or you're having a girl because
girls take your beauty. Well, yeah, you can do the
math on that one. That's really such a compliment. Or
you're caring so small, and what that does is make
you worry that something's wrong with the baby. It sounds
like a compliment, but then it's the way a pregnant
woman's brain works is she's already going to stress out,
(15:52):
and then you're caring so low, and then you stress
out that you're gonna have the baby pre term. It's
not like any one means harm with these comments. You know,
they're just trying to enjoy your pregnancy with you to
participate in it. But I think there's a lesson to
all of us. This was a common thing that mom
said on your social media, So what were some of
(16:14):
the things that you heard? To your face? Is so full?
Pregnant too, you're so big. There's no way you're making
it to your due day. I mean like that kind
of thing, And honestly, like I know myself and that's
your trigger. I feel like you're very different. You know,
how would you react. I'm a bit of a tongue biter,
(16:36):
so it would take a lot for me to actually
say what I was really thinking and maybe I'll tell
someone later. But you know, then again, it's totally fine
to explode if that's what you're feeling and you need
to vent. It depends on the day. For me, Like
I've been known to get into altercations with other people
when it comes to like other people, like I saw
this guy at Starbucks being mean to this older lady.
(16:58):
I'll totally fight kind of situation when it comes to myself,
Like if I'm pregnant, I feel like I'm a little
bit more measured submissive. So I'm gonna obsess about it
for like eight months internally. Internally, I'm gonna obsess about it.
I'm gonna cry, it's gonna be at the forefront of
my mind and I'm not gonna get over. But not
just my personality. No, and it's completely valid. So let's
(17:22):
not say this to pregnant women anymore. Just say you
look beautiful. So we asked our community the best advice
(17:42):
they ever got when they were pregnant and when they
were new parents, and some of it was motivational, like
you look beautiful, you look like you're flourishing. Enjoy your
body and your waking, enjoy the newborn days. They go
too fast. One that sounded inspirational slash motivational wasn't to
(18:05):
the mom who received it. The person said, you're going
to love being pregnant. Yes, she did not love being pregnant.
Spoiler alert yes, so that that didn't go over so well.
Every mom is different, every reaction is different. Some moms
loved hearing you're not gonna love being pregnant, and some
(18:27):
loved hearing it's okay not to love being pregnant, which
I would say plenty of moms do not love being pregnant.
It's really a crapshoot, so to speak as a patient, So, um,
I love this one. Actually, this is great, and this
is something everyone should say to every pregnant woman that
(18:47):
they care about. Let me know if you need anything
or you need to talk. I mean, that's such a simple,
great thing to say to her pregnant woman or a
new mom, and it leaves the door open. It's not
assuming or presuming. Is leaving the door open that if
she needs something, she knows that she can come to.
And that could be if she's depressed or anxious or
(19:11):
you know, having a really rough time. She knows someone
is there for her, and that's that's a great gift. Exactly. Emma,
you've got some great practical advice for moms on your Instagram.
Oh gosh, somebody, these are so good. Okay, so a
lot of people recommend journaling. Yeah, I did like two
pages of a journal and I quit. But that's just
my personality. It's such a great thing. It's really great
(19:32):
for like releasing and just like memories. This is the
best one. Okay, she said, create an email address now,
send pictures and notes, and give the log in to
your child when they turn eighteen. That's awesome. Well it's
still work. Yeah, technology change or something. I mean, I've
had a all for like twenty years, that's true. Yeah,
(19:54):
I mean that's kind of like a variation of what
moms used to do, like write a letter to your baby,
which you can still do, or you can make a
little time capsule. Yeah, so this is like the millennial version.
I love it. Yeah, me too. Drink lots of water,
don't be ashamed to ask for help, and ask for
help when you need it. My friend actually said, your mom,
(20:17):
how do you telling me how to push out a baby?
And the baby was out in six minutes, which is
ironic because I don't listen to anything you say. And
I pushed forever and I couldn't figure out how to push.
So maybe I should have taken some advice I was.
I was right by your side telling you how to push.
When I didn't. I was just too concerned I was
going to poop in front of my husband. I did
(20:37):
not want to. So as everybody should know, you push
like you're going to have the biggest poop of your life.
So I tell this some mom's all the time when
they're worried about the pushing part, I tell them, yeah,
just look down, look down past your belly, and don't
push with your face, because that's what I did, and
I ended up with bruce is all over the place.
(20:59):
I just couldn't at how to push. It's just not
my talent um. Other things mom said they loved hearing
about where pregnancy pillows and prenatal yoga. Many people love it.
The best advice. A mom told me. She told me
she got the best advice and she didn't follow it,
and then as soon as she didn't follow it, she
immediately regretted it. And that was to read up and
(21:19):
learn about breastfeeding. I mean that could sound like something judgmental,
but in fact, the person telling her this was just
giving your heads up that breastfeeding is the natural process.
It doesn't always come naturally, and she found that out
as soon as she had her baby and wish that
she had, you know, given herself that grace, but also
(21:40):
realized that it's a process that you need to learn
and that you have to be patient while you're learning. Yeah,
it's not like the movies where they just latch on
and it's magical and the angels things. Usually sometimes it
is something else was stay off Google and so funny
because Emma Roberts posted on Instagram that she had been
(22:00):
Googling a lot, I guess and it's stressed her out.
So then she got a copy of what to expect
when you're expecting and then she felt calm and happy.
Emma thing, that was really nice. But I totally agree,
do not google. Step away from the Google. I'm so
guilty of googling. Step away from the Google. If you
have any questions, and you know, you can always ask
(22:22):
me on Facebook or Instagram, but also call your doctor
or your midwife. Yeah, don't page doctor. Google don't go
down that rabbit hole. Lots and moms also said get
an epidural. Now, Emma, that's probably your advice that you
give everyone I I do and now. Um. My top
pregnancy advice, and you've all heard this one before is
(22:43):
remember every pregnancy, every pregnant body, every labor and delivery,
every baby is different. But the funny thing about this
is that some moms on social media said that this
advice makes them sick too, and they roll their eyes out.
But it's true, it's true. But everything makes you roll
(23:06):
your eyes at some point because you hear it over
and over and over again, especially from me. I'm sorry,
I apologize in advance. Apology accepted. Other people's experiences are
fun to hear sometimes, but they don't reflect your experience. Okay,
so that's a variation on the theme. And other people's
choices are their own and they shouldn't influence your choices,
(23:29):
so don't let them get you down or make you
doubt yourself. Emma, what's the best advice you could give
pregnant and new moms besides getting epidural getting upidural? Although
of my friends are like anti epidural and didn't have
them exactly their choice. Yeah, their joys. And that's that's
my best advice. Follow your own heart and your gut,
(23:52):
because the thing is, during pregnancy is really the time
when you start developing those like maternal gut instincts and
you know, totally stay with you throughout your whole journey
and motherhood, and you've got to trust them. You gotta
learn to trust them during pregnancy because they usually don't
steer you wrong. That's a fact. So, yeah, if you're
pregnant and you're on the receiving end of all that
(24:15):
unsolicited advice, all the advice you didn't ask for, all
the advice that's pissing you off, just keep thinking about
that baby you're going to hold in your arms and
all the ship that people told you you can just
forget who baby love a baby love. I need you,
(24:41):
Oh how I need you. Thanks for listening. Remember I'm
always here for you. What to Expect is always here
for you. We're all in this together. For more on
what you heard on today's episodes, visit what to Expect
dot com slash podcast. You can all so check out
What to Expect when You're expecting, What to Expect the
(25:03):
first year, and the What to Expect app, and we
want to hear from you. Connect with us on our
community message board or on our social media. You can
find me at Heidi Murkoff and Emma at Emma Being
w t E and of course at What to Expect.
Baby Love is performed by Riley Biterer. What to Expect
(25:26):
is a production of I Heart Radio. From more shows
from I Heart Radio check out the I Heart Radio app,
Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
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