June 16, 2021 • 23 mins
Starting in the early stages of pregnancy, mom guilt often comes with the parenting territory. You’re giving it everything you’ve got, but thoughts of doubt and guilt tend to be unavoidable. This week, Heidi and Emma are tackling your biggest concerns around mom guilt and the factors that can lead to those feelings of doubt, from navigating sibling relationships to balancing screen time. They also share helpful tips on how you can stave off mom guilt — because you deserve to feel like the wonderful parent you are.
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Who baby, my baby beloved. I need you, Oh how
I need you. What to Expect is a production of
My Heart Radio. I'm your host Heidi Murkoff, and I'm
a mom on a mission, a mission to help you
know what to expect every step of the way. I
(00:29):
don't know this for a fact, but I have a
hunch that ever since there have been moms, there has
been mom guilt, that nagging feeling that no matter what
we do for our little ones, it's never quite enough. No,
today's moms didn't invent mom guilt, but we have gotten really,
really good at it. We feel guilty about everything we
(00:51):
do and everything we don't do. Today, Emma and I,
both Guilty of Mom Guild, are taking on this beast
of an emotion to figure out what's normal, what's not,
and what we can do about it, with the help
of our best resource of all, So What to Expect Community, Sarah,
(01:11):
What to Expect Community Director is joining us again with
questions and insights from our amazing moms. Hey, Sarah, Hey Heidi,
Hi Emma, Hi love h So excited to be here again,
especially with this topic of mom guilt, which we see
impacting moms in so many different ways. We posted a
(01:32):
call out on our Instagram and in our community to
see what's affecting moms today. So we found out a lot.
Yeah that we probably mostly knew. But one thing is
that mom Guild actually starts before you officially become a mom.
For a lot of women were over thinkers, over analyzers,
(01:54):
micro managers from way back. And so we come up
with a birth plan and when things don't go according
to plan, and by the way, we do have to
rename the birth plan because unless you're writing in a pencil,
it's so not going to go down that way. Anyway.
We can't control the birth of our baby. But sometimes
moms feel guilty about the kind of birth that they
(02:16):
end up having. I mean, Sarah, you you've probably heard
a lot about that in the community. Yeah, definitely. I mean,
I think there's so many times where you think, like
you said, you have a birth plan, you're going to
have a natural labor, or you end up having an
epidural or even a C section. Yeah, and this isn't new.
I have to say these sections were considered by mom's.
(02:40):
I would get these pained letters saying I had a
C section, I failed myself, I failed my baby. I
failed my partner, as if birth were a test said
you could pass or fail, which of course it is not.
You know, a successful birth is one where the mom
and baby are both healthy, you know. Honestly, for me,
like when I was in labor of Sebastian, like five
(03:03):
weeks early, I was guilty that I failed him by
my body failed him by having him come too soon,
and I was like, I ruined his pregnancy experience. He
doesn't get to stay inside me and stay safe and
warm in there. I felt guilty literally in that hospital bed,
which I had zero control over, and I felt that
(03:24):
guilt like it was my fault and your water brook,
so he had no toy, my water brook. There was
nothing I could do. My body was doing it for me,
and that was hard. So another thing that we heard
a lot about just in this never ending wave of
mom guilt was around feeding. That was something that a
lot of moms said they're having guilt around, whether it's
(03:45):
like breastfeeding or all that. And Emma, I know I've
heard you talk about that a little bit before. Yeah,
So for me, I wasn't able to produce milk, so
I felt like I was failing as a mom in
like the eyes of society. At least, my whole goal
was to breastfeed. I didn't buy bottles, you know, I
didn't buy a pump. I wasn't prepared for like what
(04:07):
my body was going to throw at me. I felt
so much guilt for both kids. On my second one,
I felt guilt not only for my son, but also
I felt like I was failing my husband. So it
was just a lot and the worst part I'll never forget.
With Lennox, I took him to one Mommy and Me
class and I quit that day because everyone pulled out
(04:28):
their breast and I pulled out a bottle of formula,
you know, and I felt like, oh, they're totally judging me.
I'm there's something wrong. Yeah. I think that's so common
with the mom groups because I felt the same way,
like I could breastfeed with one baby and not the other.
And then they would have like special sessions where lactation
consultants would come in and help all the breastfeeding moms,
and I would just like, I want to go cry
(04:49):
in the corner. Yeah, exactly. And of course, as we
always say on what to expect, there's no shame in
the feeding game. So that's something we always have to remember.
I just had mom said to me on Facebook that
she hated breastfeeding both times and she's now pregnant again
with her third and she's feeling guilty that she doesn't
want to do it again. I had another mom who
(05:12):
just told me yesterday that she was racked with guilt
over the struggles she was having with breastfeeding. Listened to
our breastfeeding podcast, which you guys can all go back
and listen to, and felt so much better. And I
feel like this is one area where guilt is pervasive,
but it shouldn't be. Yeah, and then of course there
(05:33):
are moms who who hate pumping and they want to
quit pumping. They feel guilty. Emma, we had to do
an intervention with you to get you. Just lost my
nipple from mastitis. I had some mistitis so many times,
but in that case, I was just on a mission
to make milk, regardless of the consequences. So another major
(05:54):
theme for our moms are difficulty around childcare and the
time spent away for your little one. So many moms
said going back to work working too much. It starts
with like the base of feeling guilty about work in general,
and then just every day there's something tied to that
that you know, makes moms feel like they're not doing
(06:15):
enough exactly by the way. You can feel this way
working from home, and a lot of moms have been
working at home. In fact, I kind of think that
it's it's in so many ways harder because you can't
separate your two jobs. It's so hard. And then there's
also you know, guilt around sending kids to daycare or
whatever childcare that you go with. I think every decision
(06:39):
is is really tough along the way you question am
I doing the right thing? Yeah, when I'm working at home,
I'm in computer and Lennox like, hey, can we draw?
And I'm like, oh god, I have to do this
right now. So I feel guilty like I can't give
him that attention because he knows I'm here. So yeah,
it's almost harder when you're at home because it's like
double guilt, you know, and it's hard. It's hard to
(06:59):
come part mentalized. And with daycare, you know, if you
find good quality daycare, there are a lot of pluses there.
Kids get a lot of social interaction that they otherwise wouldn't.
They also beef up their man system. But they are very,
very resilient, and we have to remember that. Yeah, I think, Emma,
(07:19):
what you said about that double guilt. Like you said, Heidi,
so many moms are working from home now, and it's
just like another level when your child is right there
looking at you, like, Mom, why aren't you paying attention
to me? Versus if they're actually outside of the home. Exactly,
all right, So let's talk about parenting guilt in general,
(07:40):
because we had so many moms right in with different
forms of that. Basically, there's a million different ways to
feel guilty. Oh my gosh. Well, Sebastian is like a
walking e er. Visit the first time when he was
like sixteen months old, I was letting him play with
bottles like he was giving them to me, and he
dropped it and slashed his leg. I had to call
(08:01):
them one one one the ambulance, and I felt so
much guilt. Yeah, well, what I mean, seriously, what are
you gonna do? Bubble wrap the guy? But like Lenox
never had one stitch in knock on wood. But like
Sebby's like a walking shows that you don't need to
feel guilty about this because it's more about Sebby's personality. Yeah,
he's just a real go gether exactly. Lenox is a
(08:25):
little more cautious. Yeah. I think it's hard to you know,
whenever your kids get hurt, like my son broke his
leg and I was the most traumatic thing in the world. Like,
it's just whenever your kids are hurt, it hurts you,
like you feed their pain, like it hurts so much,
and then you have the guilt on top of that. Yes,
also we you know we talk about feeling anger when
your kids won't go to sleep. I mean, who can't
(08:46):
relate to that, like when you're just so exhausted, Oh
my god, Yes, I can relate to that. What about
guilt over the pandemic and it's impact on kids, you know,
they feel guilty that the kids aren't having the normal
social interactions. I am saying this the other day. Semis
to his whole life has basically been inside during this pandemic.
(09:11):
The first real year where he's like alert and cognitive
of like life like what's happening has been inside And
I feel bad. But again, kids are resilient, yes, yes,
and they are getting more time with you. Yeah, and
they're handling it. Better than adults are. Okay, so this
is a big one screen time mom guilt, both having
(09:31):
kids watch so much and also you yourself being on
your phone. One of our moms said she feels guilt
around letting kids watch TV while she gets things done,
or specifically while she's making food and you know, her
baby's crying or whatever. You know, I think this happens
all the time, right, Yes, I mean, honestly, it's hard
(09:52):
not to feel guilty when your baby cries. But the
reality is you are a mother in the real world
where tours have to get done, food has to get made,
and eating. You have to eat and sometimes I can't wait,
and that's important, yeah, or shower. I feel like it's
a sign of the times in a sense. I felt
guilty for a long time about screen time for them,
(10:13):
but now this is what's normal as the years go on,
like technology is becoming such a focal point of life.
And I think that what Sevy is watching on his iPad,
he'll watch things in Arabic, or he'll watch things like
they're educational, and I really do notice him repeating things
that he learned from his app. So if I can't
(10:36):
give him that full attention that he needs in that
moment at least he's learning something. It's a balancing act, right,
Like you're like, Okay, I need to have this time,
but how much time? I feel like I take it
day by day? Yeah. Yeah, And of course there are
days when you need to rely on that more than
other days, and that's totally fine. So another topic that
(10:57):
I know we want to talk about is sibling and
the guilt around siblings, which I think is never ending,
never ending battle. Right, Oh my gosh. Yes. My favorite
story is that I got went into labor with Sebastian
and it was the morning, and I was like, Lennox
(11:18):
has to go to school, he has to have a normal,
normal morning. So I literally sat there with constractions, making
him sausage, making him breakfast, and then I insisted on
driving myself to the hospital in labor. Don't do that
so my husband could take him to school so he
could have a normal day. And I drove myself to
(11:40):
the hospital. Like who took you here? Was like I
took myself. They're like oh no, no, no, no, no, no,
so god, so nut, so nut. Yeah, I know, so understandable,
but so not true. And a lot of moms worry
about having a second baby and how that's or third baby,
and how that's going to impact the relationship with their
first baby. I had a mom on Facebook say that
(12:02):
she feels guilty about not having enough time for her
first baby. Totally normal, or I remember you had a
hard time thinking about loving another baby as much as
you loved Lennox. And I tell the some moms all
the time, you love them differently because they are different
with different personalities, but you love them equally. There is
(12:23):
enough love in your heart. I think a mom on
my Facebook page summed up what so many moms feel,
and that's never feeling good enough. Something else that someone
said on Facebook was she goes to bed every night
thinking about all the things that she should have done
different or better. That's the kind of guilt that we
(12:44):
need to let go of. Always think about tomorrow. Go
to bed not thinking about what happened during this day,
because this day is over, you know, Tomorrow's another day.
We have so much pressure on ourselves, but we have
to remember limited of our species. Right, We're humans, hu
moms if you want moms, and we do have superpowers,
(13:08):
but we're still only human and we can always try harder,
but we won't ever achieve perfection or even anything approximating perfection.
And I think that's really important to remember, Emma. Remember
what we used to say when you guys were little.
We would say, what's the best you can do? And
I can do the best I can do? The best
(13:31):
you can do is the best you can do, and
sometimes you would just say best best. Another thing I
wanted to bring up the moms run into and their
babies start to grow into toddlers, so if you're not
(13:54):
there yet, it could be coming. Is feeling guilty about
having your own meltdown, so losing your temper or yelling
or feelings of resentment. Oh, I do that ship all
the time. Afterwards I say I'm sorry I yelled, and
you know he has a lot of big feelings because
they need to know that you're only human as well. Yeah,
(14:14):
and they need to know that when you lose your temper,
you apologize and all it's good and a more positive
approach actually, instead of feeling guilty about yelling is to
take a beat. Take a beat, as you said, apologize, hug,
do something together, because sometimes guilt itself gives you, like
the perfect excuse not to do something positive because you're
(14:35):
already feeling guilty about it. But in fact, you can
put a positive spin on it. You can use the
guild for good because guilt is inevitable. I mean we
all have it, but a confessed or if you allow
it to build up, so you know, instead try to
turn it into something positive and break the cycle instead
of just like sitting on it and letting it ste
(14:57):
We also ask moms where they find comfort and support from,
like when the mom guilt comes on, and they really
had some great answers. So many of them said they
talked with their friends, family, other moms they trust and
use that as an outlet. And who do you go
to for support? My mom? None of my friends have kids,
(15:19):
so it's really hard. Sometimes I go to social media
and then I feel like some of my followers I've
kind of connected with, but usually good to my mom
or your dad, Oh my dad. Yeah. We heard a
lot about supportive husband's right. One mom said her husband
told her you can't compare yourself to other moms. You
(15:40):
don't know what their struggles or challenges are. Oh yeah,
that's wisdom, that's wisdom, and that's what we're talking about.
And her own mom also told her, you're the best
mom for your kids. That's a really important message because
nobody is better, nobody is better at parenting your children
than you are. You are the best mom they ever had,
(16:01):
literally moderately. And sometimes our moms say that obviously they
need to just talk to their therapist, right. I love
to hear that because it's so important to know when
it's too much to handle on your own. Sometimes a
mood disorder that hasn't been diagnosed or hasn't been properly treated,
you know, can exacerbate the guild and that's really hard
(16:24):
to get over on your own. And that's when you know,
you should know to reach out. And and that's one
positive step that you can take. I've done it, yeah
for sure. And you know, someone said it helps to
know other moms feel this way too. That's that's why
that is so helpful to me. If someone has the
same thing, you feel immediately better, Like it just gives
(16:46):
me this like blanket of comfort. Another positive step that
mom has talked about was baby hugs. I would argue
hugs in general, but that that can help you get
over a lot of those feelings. Any negative feelings, you
just melt into hug And I also want to empower
you to realize that not all mom guilt is a
bad thing. Well placed guilt, the right amount of the
(17:09):
right kind of guilt, is actually good for you. I mean,
if you think about it, emotionally healthy people will always
feel some guilt. Children feel guilt, you know, when they
do something wrong, they feel guilty about it. That means
we're raising empathetic little people. Because when we're empathetic and
we can put someone else's feelings ahead of our own,
that's sort of the foundation of guilt. So that kind
(17:31):
of guilt is not a bad thing. That's what nurturing
actually takes. And it can in many ways make us
more productive, you know, better citizens, more responsible, and in
a way it's kind of fundamental to being a good parent.
But when it consumes us, it can actually become counterproductive,
Like I can't be good enough, so why bother trying?
(17:51):
You know, that kind of guilt or if at least
present on that, I never have time for myself, So
I resent my kids and my partner. So I think
like breathing else and whether it's screen time, whatever, it's
about finding balance. Like anything else in your life, and
especially in your parenting life, one of the best things
that we can do to feel better is to do
(18:13):
something nice for ourselves. Yeah, so we asked our moms
what was one nice thing that they planned to do
for themselves this week? And I love these responses. Some
of these ideas feel like really small things, but you know,
as busy moms, like you said earlier, Emma, just getting
a shower is like a big wind sometimes. So I'm
(18:33):
going to go run through the list and we can
kind of talk about our thoughts on this. And this
may or may not be intentional, but the first one
I have on the list is going to Target for
one hour dangerous for Emma heaven. Yeah, except for my
credit card, but oh god, that sounds amazing. Just to
like brows, not the toy section. A lot of our
(18:56):
moms said that they do just to kind of take
some time for them selves. Is to paint their nails.
Really brings you so much happiness, right, just yeah, and
it really does, but also helps with anxiety. It's kind
of like the paint by numbers things like, it's just
like soothing. Oh that would be soothing. Yeah. I did
a paint by number of myself. Oh my gosh, you
can get these paint by number kits of like photos.
(19:18):
And for our anniversary, I got the first picture I
sent Simon. It was a super sexy selfie and I
painted it paint by numbers. It was literally the most
relaxing moment I've had this year. I was so sad
when it was over. But it's so easy, Like you
can get one of your baby and just paint it.
It's amazing. That's so cool. So we also have on
(19:40):
the list taking a bath, and then a lot of
I said, a lot of women said washing their hair, showering,
But like a bath is like the ultimate, right, Like bath,
that's the treat. How about going for a walk. And
I feel like you're big into doing the family walk. Yeah,
but I take walks with my kids, Like I made
a sting we time because I don't think you know
(20:02):
me time. It always has to be just me, But
it can be we two if it's really fun and
relaxing and a family walk and be that. Maybe not
with Sebby, but with Lennox it's not relaxing at all.
Next wants to talk about video games the whole time
and they want me to put them in trees. It's
not that relaxing. Don't you love pretending you're interested in
video game talk? And God just go off and like really,
(20:27):
no way, Yeah, totally. I got a lot of comments
that said wine in all caps past the wine. Another
one we had was taking a nap, which is so
hard to do that every single day, every single day
when Sebi naps because I am tired and I nap
for like thirty minutes and I'm good. That's so good.
And then another one on here was reading, which I
(20:49):
just a lot of times I like to listen to
audible or podcasts. I mean, that's pretty much my reading time.
I think. I don't know what about you guys. Unless
there's pictures like a magazine, like my mind will be
too racing and going places that doesn't relax me. I
had to read what to Expect when You're expecting to
her because that was the only way to true. And
(21:10):
then also someone said just going to her therapist was
you know that me time, which kind of love to
hear that. Right, Going anywhere let X is when I
pick up Lettox, I have to get in there an
hour early to get in line and that's a great
me time. I listen to podcasts, I score Instagram, I'm
by myself, I'm my own little world. It's great. And
(21:32):
it's literally just picking up my kid. And often you
call me or you call dad. Yep, Heidi. What's your
final word of advice for mom's listening and for yourself
for dealing with mom guilt? The bottom line is mom
guilt is part of the job description. My mom had it,
Your mom's had it. You don't need to overdo mom
(21:54):
guilt to be a good mom. You gotta cut yourself
some slack, right. You are the best mom your little
I've ever had. So give yourself a big round of
applause and a big self hug. We're all in this together.
Who baby belove, my baby love. I need you, Oh
(22:18):
how I need you. Thanks for listening. Remember I'm always
here for you. What to Expect is always here for you.
We're all in this together. For more on what you
heard on today's episode, visit what to Expect dot com
slash podcast. You can also check out what to Expect
when You're expecting, What to Expect the first Year, and
(22:40):
the what to Expect app And we want to hear
from you connect with us on our community message board
or on our social media. You can find me at
Heidi Murkoff and Emma at Emma bing w t E
and of course at What to Expect. Baby Love is
performed by Riley Peter. What to Expect is a production
(23:03):
of I Heart Radio. From More shows from I Heart
Radio check out the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. In my
arms right, don't You Stay? Knija Knija, Baby Boo, Babyl
Who baby, my baby beloved. I need you, Oh how
I need you. What to Expect is a production of
My Heart Radio. I'm your host Heidi Murkoff, and I'm
a mom on a mission, a mission to help you
know what to expect every step of the way. I
(00:29):
don't know this for a fact, but I have a
hunch that ever since there have been moms, there has
been mom guilt, that nagging feeling that no matter what
we do for our little ones, it's never quite enough. No,
today's moms didn't invent mom guilt, but we have gotten really,
really good at it. We feel guilty about everything we
(00:51):
do and everything we don't do. Today, Emma and I,
both Guilty of Mom Guild, are taking on this beast
of an emotion to figure out what's normal, what's not,
and what we can do about it, with the help
of our best resource of all, So What to Expect Community, Sarah,
(01:11):
What to Expect Community Director is joining us again with
questions and insights from our amazing moms. Hey, Sarah, Hey Heidi,
Hi Emma, Hi love h So excited to be here again,
especially with this topic of mom guilt, which we see
impacting moms in so many different ways. We posted a
(01:32):
call out on our Instagram and in our community to
see what's affecting moms today. So we found out a lot.
Yeah that we probably mostly knew. But one thing is
that mom Guild actually starts before you officially become a mom.
For a lot of women were over thinkers, over analyzers,
(01:54):
micro managers from way back. And so we come up
with a birth plan and when things don't go according
to plan, and by the way, we do have to
rename the birth plan because unless you're writing in a pencil,
it's so not going to go down that way. Anyway.
We can't control the birth of our baby. But sometimes
moms feel guilty about the kind of birth that they
(02:16):
end up having. I mean, Sarah, you you've probably heard
a lot about that in the community. Yeah, definitely. I mean,
I think there's so many times where you think, like
you said, you have a birth plan, you're going to
have a natural labor, or you end up having an
epidural or even a C section. Yeah, and this isn't new.
I have to say these sections were considered by mom's.
(02:40):
I would get these pained letters saying I had a
C section, I failed myself, I failed my baby. I
failed my partner, as if birth were a test said
you could pass or fail, which of course it is not.
You know, a successful birth is one where the mom
and baby are both healthy, you know. Honestly, for me,
like when I was in labor of Sebastian, like five
(03:03):
weeks early, I was guilty that I failed him by
my body failed him by having him come too soon,
and I was like, I ruined his pregnancy experience. He
doesn't get to stay inside me and stay safe and
warm in there. I felt guilty literally in that hospital bed,
which I had zero control over, and I felt that
(03:24):
guilt like it was my fault and your water brook,
so he had no toy, my water brook. There was
nothing I could do. My body was doing it for me,
and that was hard. So another thing that we heard
a lot about just in this never ending wave of
mom guilt was around feeding. That was something that a
lot of moms said they're having guilt around, whether it's
(03:45):
like breastfeeding or all that. And Emma, I know I've
heard you talk about that a little bit before. Yeah,
So for me, I wasn't able to produce milk, so
I felt like I was failing as a mom in
like the eyes of society. At least, my whole goal
was to breastfeed. I didn't buy bottles, you know, I
didn't buy a pump. I wasn't prepared for like what
(04:07):
my body was going to throw at me. I felt
so much guilt for both kids. On my second one,
I felt guilt not only for my son, but also
I felt like I was failing my husband. So it
was just a lot and the worst part I'll never forget.
With Lennox, I took him to one Mommy and Me
class and I quit that day because everyone pulled out
(04:28):
their breast and I pulled out a bottle of formula,
you know, and I felt like, oh, they're totally judging me.
I'm there's something wrong. Yeah. I think that's so common
with the mom groups because I felt the same way,
like I could breastfeed with one baby and not the other.
And then they would have like special sessions where lactation
consultants would come in and help all the breastfeeding moms,
and I would just like, I want to go cry
(04:49):
in the corner. Yeah, exactly. And of course, as we
always say on what to expect, there's no shame in
the feeding game. So that's something we always have to remember.
I just had mom said to me on Facebook that
she hated breastfeeding both times and she's now pregnant again
with her third and she's feeling guilty that she doesn't
want to do it again. I had another mom who
(05:12):
just told me yesterday that she was racked with guilt
over the struggles she was having with breastfeeding. Listened to
our breastfeeding podcast, which you guys can all go back
and listen to, and felt so much better. And I
feel like this is one area where guilt is pervasive,
but it shouldn't be. Yeah, and then of course there
(05:33):
are moms who who hate pumping and they want to
quit pumping. They feel guilty. Emma, we had to do
an intervention with you to get you. Just lost my
nipple from mastitis. I had some mistitis so many times,
but in that case, I was just on a mission
to make milk, regardless of the consequences. So another major
(05:54):
theme for our moms are difficulty around childcare and the
time spent away for your little one. So many moms
said going back to work working too much. It starts
with like the base of feeling guilty about work in general,
and then just every day there's something tied to that
that you know, makes moms feel like they're not doing
(06:15):
enough exactly by the way. You can feel this way
working from home, and a lot of moms have been
working at home. In fact, I kind of think that
it's it's in so many ways harder because you can't
separate your two jobs. It's so hard. And then there's
also you know, guilt around sending kids to daycare or
whatever childcare that you go with. I think every decision
(06:39):
is is really tough along the way you question am
I doing the right thing? Yeah, when I'm working at home,
I'm in computer and Lennox like, hey, can we draw?
And I'm like, oh god, I have to do this
right now. So I feel guilty like I can't give
him that attention because he knows I'm here. So yeah,
it's almost harder when you're at home because it's like
double guilt, you know, and it's hard. It's hard to
(06:59):
come part mentalized. And with daycare, you know, if you
find good quality daycare, there are a lot of pluses there.
Kids get a lot of social interaction that they otherwise wouldn't.
They also beef up their man system. But they are very,
very resilient, and we have to remember that. Yeah, I think, Emma,
(07:19):
what you said about that double guilt. Like you said, Heidi,
so many moms are working from home now, and it's
just like another level when your child is right there
looking at you, like, Mom, why aren't you paying attention
to me? Versus if they're actually outside of the home. Exactly,
all right, So let's talk about parenting guilt in general,
(07:40):
because we had so many moms right in with different
forms of that. Basically, there's a million different ways to
feel guilty. Oh my gosh. Well, Sebastian is like a
walking e er. Visit the first time when he was
like sixteen months old, I was letting him play with
bottles like he was giving them to me, and he
dropped it and slashed his leg. I had to call
(08:01):
them one one one the ambulance, and I felt so
much guilt. Yeah, well, what I mean, seriously, what are
you gonna do? Bubble wrap the guy? But like Lenox
never had one stitch in knock on wood. But like
Sebby's like a walking shows that you don't need to
feel guilty about this because it's more about Sebby's personality. Yeah,
he's just a real go gether exactly. Lenox is a
(08:25):
little more cautious. Yeah. I think it's hard to you know,
whenever your kids get hurt, like my son broke his
leg and I was the most traumatic thing in the world. Like,
it's just whenever your kids are hurt, it hurts you,
like you feed their pain, like it hurts so much,
and then you have the guilt on top of that. Yes,
also we you know we talk about feeling anger when
your kids won't go to sleep. I mean, who can't
(08:46):
relate to that, like when you're just so exhausted, Oh
my god, Yes, I can relate to that. What about
guilt over the pandemic and it's impact on kids, you know,
they feel guilty that the kids aren't having the normal
social interactions. I am saying this the other day. Semis
to his whole life has basically been inside during this pandemic.
(09:11):
The first real year where he's like alert and cognitive
of like life like what's happening has been inside And
I feel bad. But again, kids are resilient, yes, yes,
and they are getting more time with you. Yeah, and
they're handling it. Better than adults are. Okay, so this
is a big one screen time mom guilt, both having
(09:31):
kids watch so much and also you yourself being on
your phone. One of our moms said she feels guilt
around letting kids watch TV while she gets things done,
or specifically while she's making food and you know, her
baby's crying or whatever. You know, I think this happens
all the time, right, Yes, I mean, honestly, it's hard
(09:52):
not to feel guilty when your baby cries. But the
reality is you are a mother in the real world
where tours have to get done, food has to get made,
and eating. You have to eat and sometimes I can't wait,
and that's important, yeah, or shower. I feel like it's
a sign of the times in a sense. I felt
guilty for a long time about screen time for them,
(10:13):
but now this is what's normal as the years go on,
like technology is becoming such a focal point of life.
And I think that what Sevy is watching on his iPad,
he'll watch things in Arabic, or he'll watch things like
they're educational, and I really do notice him repeating things
that he learned from his app. So if I can't
(10:36):
give him that full attention that he needs in that
moment at least he's learning something. It's a balancing act, right,
Like you're like, Okay, I need to have this time,
but how much time? I feel like I take it
day by day? Yeah. Yeah, And of course there are
days when you need to rely on that more than
other days, and that's totally fine. So another topic that
(10:57):
I know we want to talk about is sibling and
the guilt around siblings, which I think is never ending,
never ending battle. Right, Oh my gosh. Yes. My favorite
story is that I got went into labor with Sebastian
and it was the morning, and I was like, Lennox
(11:18):
has to go to school, he has to have a normal,
normal morning. So I literally sat there with constractions, making
him sausage, making him breakfast, and then I insisted on
driving myself to the hospital in labor. Don't do that
so my husband could take him to school so he
could have a normal day. And I drove myself to
(11:40):
the hospital. Like who took you here? Was like I
took myself. They're like oh no, no, no, no, no, no,
so god, so nut, so nut. Yeah, I know, so understandable,
but so not true. And a lot of moms worry
about having a second baby and how that's or third baby,
and how that's going to impact the relationship with their
first baby. I had a mom on Facebook say that
(12:02):
she feels guilty about not having enough time for her
first baby. Totally normal, or I remember you had a
hard time thinking about loving another baby as much as
you loved Lennox. And I tell the some moms all
the time, you love them differently because they are different
with different personalities, but you love them equally. There is
(12:23):
enough love in your heart. I think a mom on
my Facebook page summed up what so many moms feel,
and that's never feeling good enough. Something else that someone
said on Facebook was she goes to bed every night
thinking about all the things that she should have done
different or better. That's the kind of guilt that we
(12:44):
need to let go of. Always think about tomorrow. Go
to bed not thinking about what happened during this day,
because this day is over, you know, Tomorrow's another day.
We have so much pressure on ourselves, but we have
to remember limited of our species. Right, We're humans, hu
moms if you want moms, and we do have superpowers,
(13:08):
but we're still only human and we can always try harder,
but we won't ever achieve perfection or even anything approximating perfection.
And I think that's really important to remember, Emma. Remember
what we used to say when you guys were little.
We would say, what's the best you can do? And
I can do the best I can do? The best
(13:31):
you can do is the best you can do, and
sometimes you would just say best best. Another thing I
wanted to bring up the moms run into and their
babies start to grow into toddlers, so if you're not
(13:54):
there yet, it could be coming. Is feeling guilty about
having your own meltdown, so losing your temper or yelling
or feelings of resentment. Oh, I do that ship all
the time. Afterwards I say I'm sorry I yelled, and
you know he has a lot of big feelings because
they need to know that you're only human as well. Yeah,
(14:14):
and they need to know that when you lose your temper,
you apologize and all it's good and a more positive
approach actually, instead of feeling guilty about yelling is to
take a beat. Take a beat, as you said, apologize, hug,
do something together, because sometimes guilt itself gives you, like
the perfect excuse not to do something positive because you're
(14:35):
already feeling guilty about it. But in fact, you can
put a positive spin on it. You can use the
guild for good because guilt is inevitable. I mean we
all have it, but a confessed or if you allow
it to build up, so you know, instead try to
turn it into something positive and break the cycle instead
of just like sitting on it and letting it ste
(14:57):
We also ask moms where they find comfort and support from,
like when the mom guilt comes on, and they really
had some great answers. So many of them said they
talked with their friends, family, other moms they trust and
use that as an outlet. And who do you go
to for support? My mom? None of my friends have kids,
(15:19):
so it's really hard. Sometimes I go to social media
and then I feel like some of my followers I've
kind of connected with, but usually good to my mom
or your dad, Oh my dad. Yeah. We heard a
lot about supportive husband's right. One mom said her husband
told her you can't compare yourself to other moms. You
(15:40):
don't know what their struggles or challenges are. Oh yeah,
that's wisdom, that's wisdom, and that's what we're talking about.
And her own mom also told her, you're the best
mom for your kids. That's a really important message because
nobody is better, nobody is better at parenting your children
than you are. You are the best mom they ever had,
(16:01):
literally moderately. And sometimes our moms say that obviously they
need to just talk to their therapist, right. I love
to hear that because it's so important to know when
it's too much to handle on your own. Sometimes a
mood disorder that hasn't been diagnosed or hasn't been properly treated,
you know, can exacerbate the guild and that's really hard
(16:24):
to get over on your own. And that's when you know,
you should know to reach out. And and that's one
positive step that you can take. I've done it, yeah
for sure. And you know, someone said it helps to
know other moms feel this way too. That's that's why
that is so helpful to me. If someone has the
same thing, you feel immediately better, Like it just gives
(16:46):
me this like blanket of comfort. Another positive step that
mom has talked about was baby hugs. I would argue
hugs in general, but that that can help you get
over a lot of those feelings. Any negative feelings, you
just melt into hug And I also want to empower
you to realize that not all mom guilt is a
bad thing. Well placed guilt, the right amount of the
(17:09):
right kind of guilt, is actually good for you. I mean,
if you think about it, emotionally healthy people will always
feel some guilt. Children feel guilt, you know, when they
do something wrong, they feel guilty about it. That means
we're raising empathetic little people. Because when we're empathetic and
we can put someone else's feelings ahead of our own,
that's sort of the foundation of guilt. So that kind
(17:31):
of guilt is not a bad thing. That's what nurturing
actually takes. And it can in many ways make us
more productive, you know, better citizens, more responsible, and in
a way it's kind of fundamental to being a good parent.
But when it consumes us, it can actually become counterproductive,
Like I can't be good enough, so why bother trying?
(17:51):
You know, that kind of guilt or if at least
present on that, I never have time for myself, So
I resent my kids and my partner. So I think
like breathing else and whether it's screen time, whatever, it's
about finding balance. Like anything else in your life, and
especially in your parenting life, one of the best things
that we can do to feel better is to do
(18:13):
something nice for ourselves. Yeah, so we asked our moms
what was one nice thing that they planned to do
for themselves this week? And I love these responses. Some
of these ideas feel like really small things, but you know,
as busy moms, like you said earlier, Emma, just getting
a shower is like a big wind sometimes. So I'm
(18:33):
going to go run through the list and we can
kind of talk about our thoughts on this. And this
may or may not be intentional, but the first one
I have on the list is going to Target for
one hour dangerous for Emma heaven. Yeah, except for my
credit card, but oh god, that sounds amazing. Just to
like brows, not the toy section. A lot of our
(18:56):
moms said that they do just to kind of take
some time for them selves. Is to paint their nails.
Really brings you so much happiness, right, just yeah, and
it really does, but also helps with anxiety. It's kind
of like the paint by numbers things like, it's just
like soothing. Oh that would be soothing. Yeah. I did
a paint by number of myself. Oh my gosh, you
can get these paint by number kits of like photos.
(19:18):
And for our anniversary, I got the first picture I
sent Simon. It was a super sexy selfie and I
painted it paint by numbers. It was literally the most
relaxing moment I've had this year. I was so sad
when it was over. But it's so easy, Like you
can get one of your baby and just paint it.
It's amazing. That's so cool. So we also have on
(19:40):
the list taking a bath, and then a lot of
I said, a lot of women said washing their hair, showering,
But like a bath is like the ultimate, right, Like bath,
that's the treat. How about going for a walk. And
I feel like you're big into doing the family walk. Yeah,
but I take walks with my kids, Like I made
a sting we time because I don't think you know
(20:02):
me time. It always has to be just me, But
it can be we two if it's really fun and
relaxing and a family walk and be that. Maybe not
with Sebby, but with Lennox it's not relaxing at all.
Next wants to talk about video games the whole time
and they want me to put them in trees. It's
not that relaxing. Don't you love pretending you're interested in
video game talk? And God just go off and like really,
(20:27):
no way, Yeah, totally. I got a lot of comments
that said wine in all caps past the wine. Another
one we had was taking a nap, which is so
hard to do that every single day, every single day
when Sebi naps because I am tired and I nap
for like thirty minutes and I'm good. That's so good.
And then another one on here was reading, which I
(20:49):
just a lot of times I like to listen to
audible or podcasts. I mean, that's pretty much my reading time.
I think. I don't know what about you guys. Unless
there's pictures like a magazine, like my mind will be
too racing and going places that doesn't relax me. I
had to read what to Expect when You're expecting to
her because that was the only way to true. And
(21:10):
then also someone said just going to her therapist was
you know that me time, which kind of love to
hear that. Right, Going anywhere let X is when I
pick up Lettox, I have to get in there an
hour early to get in line and that's a great
me time. I listen to podcasts, I score Instagram, I'm
by myself, I'm my own little world. It's great. And
(21:32):
it's literally just picking up my kid. And often you
call me or you call dad. Yep, Heidi. What's your
final word of advice for mom's listening and for yourself
for dealing with mom guilt? The bottom line is mom
guilt is part of the job description. My mom had it,
Your mom's had it. You don't need to overdo mom
(21:54):
guilt to be a good mom. You gotta cut yourself
some slack, right. You are the best mom your little
I've ever had. So give yourself a big round of
applause and a big self hug. We're all in this together.
Who baby belove, my baby love. I need you, Oh
(22:18):
how I need you. Thanks for listening. Remember I'm always
here for you. What to Expect is always here for you.
We're all in this together. For more on what you
heard on today's episode, visit what to Expect dot com
slash podcast. You can also check out what to Expect
when You're expecting, What to Expect the first Year, and
(22:40):
the what to Expect app And we want to hear
from you connect with us on our community message board
or on our social media. You can find me at
Heidi Murkoff and Emma at Emma bing w t E
and of course at What to Expect. Baby Love is
performed by Riley Peter. What to Expect is a production
(23:03):
of I Heart Radio. From More shows from I Heart
Radio check out the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. In my
arms right, don't You Stay? Knija Knija, Baby Boo, Babyl
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