Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Holy Human with Leanne Rhymes is a production of I
Heart Radio. Welcome My Love's to the third season of
Holy Human with Me Leanne Rhymes. I cannot believe we
are at three seasons already, because in many ways I
feel like we are just getting started, and I am
(00:22):
so honored and appreciative of you all being here to
share this incredible conversation I had with today's guest. Mel
Robbins is a former lawyer turned CNN Legal analyst turned
best selling author and talk show host. Mel is also
one of the most widely booked public speakers in the world.
Her videos have over a billion combined views a billion,
(00:46):
which is crazy, including her ted X talk how to
Stop Screwing Yourself over. I think we'd all learn a
lot from that. That one has over twenty seven million
views alone. Mel's books include The Global Phenomenal On, The
Five Second Rule, and her latest is The High five
Habit Take Control of Your Life with One simple Habit.
(01:07):
I got so much out of this book that I
actually read it twice, and I hit it off with
mouth so well that we're going to break up our
marathon talk into two really enlightening fun episodes. Here My
Friends is Part one with the feisty and fascinating Mel Robbins.
Fact I could, Hi, Mel, Hi, thank you for coming
(01:49):
on the Holy Humid Podcast. It is truly an honor
to have you. I'm very honored. Well, thank you for
having me. Why are you honored because I think you're
a badass? Oh? Oh, thank you, I do. It's pretty
cool coming from another badass. Thank you, Thank you. I
am Yeah. I'm just always just amazed at your authenticity.
(02:14):
And it's I think that I put myself out there
and in that way. I mean, this is kind of
what I Why I started this podcast was to be
able to connect with people on a real human level.
And I just love I love your humanity and it's
I think it's rare that we tell people like I
love to see your humanity and it's beautiful. So thank
you for being so open and sharing your humanity with everybody. Well,
(02:39):
you know, you and I have a shared experience and
that we have both either fallen into or dug holes
for ourselves, and uh, the process of trying to climb
out of those holes is what always leads you to
(03:01):
both a better place in your life and to a
lot of wisdom and it's not the easiest process. I mean,
I personally would have rather taken a class, got a
PhD uh, and avoided the mistakes that I've made in
my life. But I think the humanity or the authenticity
(03:22):
that you see is a function of the fact that
I spent so many years of my life lying, pretending
to be somebody I wasn't beating myself up that when
I finally got to the other side of that and
realized how freeing it is to accept yourself and to
just be yourself, the good parts and the bad parts,
(03:45):
and know that we're all a work in progress, it's
just so much fucking easier to live your life that way.
It is that there's so much energy that goes into
hiding that it doesn't all the energy goes there, and
then you miss out, Like what I've found is you
miss out on creativity, you miss out on life, and
(04:07):
because you've been stuffing down, you know, all of your
humanity basically and keeping trying to keep this facade, and
it is it's exhausting. So it's waul and everybody's doing it.
Everybody's doing it, and it's not the thing that everybody
wants to be doing right. No, no, I think that
we um you know what, what, what I'm sure we'll
(04:30):
get into is that most of us are simply trying
to survive and we are doing the best that we
can with the patterns of behavior, in the patterns of
thinking and the hard wiring based on the experiences of
our childhood. And I spent many, many decades of my
life bringing my head against the wall, going why the
(04:51):
funk can't I just tell the truth? Why do I
have to constantly screw everything up? Why can't I change
this behavior? And I now understand why I was trapped
in patterns of thinking, and I was trapped in patterns
of behavior that I wasn't even aware of. Yeah, there's
(05:11):
layers to that, because you become you know, I feel
like I've done and I'm sure you've been there too,
Like if you've done so much work and so much expansion,
and then you get to this place where you're like, yeah,
I'm thriving, and then all of a sudden, like you
hit a new wall and you're like, WHOA, there's a
new one. I wasn't even aware it was there. There's
a there's an old pattern that I didn't even recognize
until you know, eight ten years into digging into these patterns.
(05:37):
So I think it's a lifelong thing. It's a lifelong
thing that we I've learned. I've I've actually learned to
enjoy it. It's like, Oh, you know, really, what's your secret?
Like I'm waiting for things to be easy and fun.
I don't I don't know how you're enjoying well, easy
and fun. Um. I guess maybe I'm putting the ease
and the fun into the expansion and the dig getting,
(06:00):
you know, the all of this stuff that I'm learning.
For me, it's like, I think, why I enjoy? So
what do you what are you constantly? What are you
grappling with right now? And you're what do you mean
is there a pattern of behavior? Like? What is the
place where, whether you like it or not, life is
trying to quote expand who you are or your consciousness?
(06:21):
What is the experience that's testing you. Oh that's a
good question. I think one of the biggest things for me.
And I think maybe you can relate to this because
of going, like you're saying, digging our own graves in
a way of falling into them, digging our way back
out of them. Um, you know, for me being in
(06:42):
the public eye for so long, it's been it's been
a challenge to remain open hearted and fully in the
world when all I want to do is protect myself.
I mean, just even starting this podcast took me so
much us to be like, I'm going to I'm going
to step fully into this other new place in my
(07:04):
life and suck at it possibly and whatever it may be,
but I'm going to try something new. And that's why
I love I've loved seeing you try new things, and
you try new things all the time on you know,
on Instagram and share them with everyone, and it's that's
where I've come to this place in my life where
I'm I used to not want to try anything new
because I thought I was going to fail at it
and there would be the whole world watching. And now
(07:26):
I've I'm really kind of stepping into this new place
of of trying new things and it's but keeping my
heart open in the process and not closing down is
really my where my rub is currently. I would imagine, um,
you know, just just to share a little bit when
(07:46):
we were getting ready to you know, do this interview
with you, I of course I am a professional stalker.
So I start by googling, you know, like, why would
you ever show up to an interview not prepared, not
knowing who you're talking to or what their audiences. That's
just pure laziness. And I had no idea about the
(08:08):
controversy related to cheating and your marriage, no idea, And
I share that with you because Number One, I can't
even imagine what it must be like. Two have so
much of your life talked about in the public eye,
(08:29):
and I think for those of us that don't have
the kind of celebrity or the reach that you have,
it must feel like every day of your life you're
walking back into the high school gymnasium, and even though
you're forty years old, the ship that people were saying
back in high school is what's kind of brought up
(08:49):
all the time. And so I want to know how
do you deal with that? Because I applaud the fact
that you're now putting you're putting yourself out there and
you're owning kind of what happens next, Right, that's the
best way to deal with what people are saying. Right, Yeah,
(09:13):
I'm creating what happens, and it's how I deal with it.
And maybe I mean because you're you're in that space
too where people know you you you are, Yeah, You've
you've become this like household name through your books and
because you are so relatable, I think people really it's
something that I think it's something that happened to me too,
(09:34):
because I grew up in the public eye. People think
they really know you, like you're their friends, sister, they're
part of their family, and so they have a lot
to say. Um, and so you know, for me, I
have realized that everybody can only see through the lens
in which they view life through. And that used to
(09:55):
be like that used to be this kind of philosophical
like the idea more so than it used to be
embodied for me. And now I've I've really come to
understand that we all are responsible for the lens in
which we've be life through. And so when people when
you say, I'm still walking back into that gym, you know,
and I and people are still having the same conversations
(10:17):
about me, Well, I'm sorry you still stuck there. Like
that's how I feel about it. It's like because I'm
not and I'm far gone and like you're you know,
I'm creating I'm creating my story from here on out
that yeah, that was a part of my story. Yeah,
I'm I do own it fully. And when you take
ownership of those pieces of yourself, um, you get to
(10:40):
rewrite your story from that moment on. And that's what
you know. That's what I find so beautiful about you
is that you have you have owned all these pieces
of your story, and you also you create art. I
think you're great artists because you create art with your
With the two books that you've written, the five Second Rule,
(11:01):
in the High five Habit, You've you've created art from
these deep vulnerable places in your life. And I think
that's what great artists do, Like they learn the lesson
and then they can go teach. Um, if you're so
lucky to be able to have the platform to do that,
and you have taught from these very vulnerable places, and
I I wonder, like, have you ever thought I shouldn't
(11:23):
have shared that, or like this is too vulnerable? Is
there ever? Is there ever a rub anywhere for you
in any part of your life? Never? Uh not with
my life. But there is one uh line that I
draw and I learned this the hard way, and that
is I don't share anything related to my kids unless
(11:47):
I have their permission. And there is so much amazing
ship that goes on in our family that would be
just incredible stories and relatable crap. And I would love
to just in real time, get on with my twenty
three and twenty one year old daughters and hash out
(12:08):
all the ship going out with their friends and the
boyfriends and the hookups and this and that or my
son and he's like, I would love that, but that
is not what they want for their lives. And I
know that even if I were to disguise the story,
it gets back and then impacts them. And so that's
the only area I hope at some point there's a
(12:30):
shift there, because I feel like there's our family is
extraordinarily open with one another, and I think that it's
one of the things that I have done extremely well,
and that is I've really focused on doing my best
to not grip my children with a death vice and
(12:54):
try to make them into what I want them to be.
I have tried very hard to resist that urge and
to take a step back and to um really try
to help them figure out and become who they're meant
to become, and The one time it really really is
(13:16):
hard is when one of our kids has an anxiety spike.
It is so triggering that I just want to swoop
in and fix it. And that's actually the worst thing
that you could do as a parent. Yeah, I mean, man,
as a parent, thank you. You know, as a I
wish all parents could be that way. And you know,
my parents were challenged in that way of you know,
(13:40):
really wanting me to be something very specific. And to
hear you say that, I know my husband. I have
two stepson's and my husband is so great and that
way with with his kids. Um, they are very very
different than him, and it's wonderful to see him support
them in becoming their own individual human And you know,
as as a step mom, it's uh yeah, it's it's
(14:04):
been a ride to to not push your ideas and
your views and and and just support them in their
own like unique individuality. So yeah, thank you, thanks for
doing that. As a parent, it's great to hear. Well,
I wasn't always like that. In two thousand and eight,
my kids have memories of me of coming downstairs at
the ages of Okay, so two thousand now I'm gonna
(14:26):
have to do math in real time, which is gonna
be really and so they're like nine and seven. My
daughters remember coming down into the kitchen and Mom is
passed out from drinking herself into a coma the night before,
asleep in the chair in the living room, and so
they unfortunately, they remember the arguments that my husband and
(14:49):
I used to have about money as his business was
failing and the leans around the house and we were,
you know, in a state of massive financial crisis, eight
hundred brand in dead, about to lose the house, and
so it took a lot of work to get there.
My daughters also have therapists, so they get to work
their ship out about me with I mean, I think
(15:12):
it's important. I think everybody in your family needs a therapist.
If you're so lucky to be able to have one.
To me, that is that's absolutely amazing. Well, I want
to get into your high five Habit book. Um, I
find this book genius because it's simple and it's poignant,
and I I loved listening to your audiobook because I
felt like I was listening to a friend. And so
I want if you can just break into what is
(15:35):
the high five habit and how what point in your life, because,
like I said, you created these books from from deep
vulnerable points in your life. What point in your life
kind of made you discover what this high five habit is?
So the high five habit is like at on its face,
super simple. Um, I'm on a mission to get every man, woman,
(15:58):
child to add a high five in the mirror to
the morning routine. And you're going to find out exactly why.
Right after this super quick break welcome back everyone, Mel
(16:21):
was just explaining why adding a simple high five to
your morning routine can have an amazing impact on your life.
And I discovered this by mistake in April. And the
backdrop doesn't even matter. I just was having a moment
in life where life felt extraordinarily overwhelming and I felt
(16:43):
beaten down and lost and overwhelmed by the demands of
my life. And one morning I found myself in the
bathroom and I was doing my normal morning routine, which
was picking myself apart as I brushed my teeth, and
(17:03):
for whatever reason, I think it was divine intervention, I
literally put my toothbrush down in a moment of sort
of just I guess I felt bad for the woman
I saw in the mirror because she looked scared and
sad and tired and beaten down. And I just raised
my hand as cheesy as it sounds, and high fived
(17:25):
myself in the mirror. And that was it, Like that
was all that happened. And you know, I'm really thankful
about the fact that in that moment, I felt something shift.
It wasn't a big thing, it wasn't like life fucking altering.
(17:46):
In that moment, I just felt this little energy shift.
And if you pay attention and you develop a skill
of being present to the energy and your body, you
can tell when you're on edge. You can tell when
you're sort of neutral and grounded in your body. You
can tell when you're excited and energized. Your energy in
(18:10):
your nervous system does not lie. And what happened when
I high five myself. The first thing that I noticed
is I noticed that I went from uh kind of
dreading and feeling overwhelmed to a little switch of feeling Okay,
knock it off, mel you got a roof over your head.
Stop sucking bitching, get out there and deal with your stuff.
(18:33):
Like just sort of like the kind of energy that
I needed in that moment. And so the next morning,
I did it again, and I did it again, and
I started to notice bigger things. I started to notice
that I was looking forward to it. I started to
notice that my mood was shifting. I started to notice
that I was feeling a little bit more optimistic, a
little bit more energized. And you know, there's a lot
(18:54):
of big ship happening that was very overwhelming, and yet
this tiny little habit of just high fiving the mirror,
sending myself into the day with this little kind of
high five in the mirror to the woman that I
was staring back at. It was changing the way that
(19:14):
I saw myself. It was changing the way that I
felt about my day. It was so hard to describe
just how profound it was. And then one morning, I
literally just snap a photo. I stick it on Instagram,
on my stories. I don't even say, hey, guys, try this.
I literally, I've got my retainer in for God's sakes. Like,
if I had known that was going to be the photo,
(19:36):
I'm vain enough that I probably would have picked a
different one. And within an hour, a hundred people from
around the world had posted photos of them high fiving
themselves back. And I'm like, oh, whoa, Okay, wait a minute,
and then the story started to roll in. And so
this is what my thing is. I love making a
(19:57):
difference in the lives of real people. And I think
most of us are silently struggling, whether we feel lonely,
or we feel lost, or we feel disconnected, or we
(20:22):
feel scared, or we're just languishing the sense that you've
got the law and you can't quite put your finger
on it. And what I started to here in people's
stories that were coming in is that there was this
(20:44):
overwhelming sense for people. And I don't know if it's
the pandemic. I don't know if it's just modern life.
I don't know if it's just that these are the
kinds of folks that follow me online. But I think
it's very universal to just feel lost right now, you know,
(21:05):
especially two years into this unprecedented pandemic where everybody's nervous
system has been flipped into a state of fight or flight.
There is no way, unless you are a Buddhist monk,
that you are relaxed right now. You're not even aware
(21:27):
that the way that a fridge that needs to get
serviced is humming in the background, that your nervous system
is bracing. It's bracing for news that flights are canceled
or the kids aren't going back, or that your sister
in law now has it, or that it's going to
be another fucking variant like something we have lived through
so much, unlike sustained uncertainty, that everybody's nervous system is
(21:53):
now flipped into on edge mode. And we're not built
to live like this. We are built to flip between
being on edge and being at rest and being uh,
you know, anxious versus being calm and confident. And so
I took on a year and a half long research
(22:16):
project with the millions of people that follow me, and
what we can conclusively say is that if you add
a high five to your morning routine, it will take
you less than five days to have a neurological, chemical,
and physiological change in your body that boost your confidence,
(22:40):
that boost your mood, that gives you a little bit
more energy, and most importantly helps you reconnect and build
a partnership with yourself. Wow, that's really profound. Five days.
I mean, I don't know, there's not many pills that
can say I can help you in five is I mean,
(23:01):
what I'll happy help you in like two hours. Have
you actually have you tried that? Have you actually tried
I haven't tried an academy. I have not tried ketamine therapy.
But my my husband and I have done guided m
d m A therapy, both of us for childhood trauma.
And it has been absolutely the most profound thing I've
(23:23):
ever done. Um. I once heard somebody say, and I
can't remember who it is that you know, trauma gets
stored in your nervous system, your body, and your brain.
Remember the traumatic experience, whether the trauma trauma can be
positive or negative. But most of us, you know, talk
(23:45):
about the negative traumatic experiences, but the negative traumatic experiences
are recorded in your nervous system. And I once heard
somebody say, if you didn't talk yourself into the trauma,
you will not be able to talk yourself out of it.
That you need a corresponding physical interruption to smooth out
(24:10):
the disruption that was caused by that event. And so
what m d m A did for me and for
my husband, because it suppresses the amygdala, so that when
you take it, especially in that setting with a therapist
guiding you and with a particular intention and a protocol
from maps is that it suppresses the amygdala, so you
(24:34):
don't have a terrifying fear response to it. You can
open up your heart and revisit experiences and not have
that like high nervous system response, so that you can
again smooth out your nervous system in relation to the memory.
You can give your brain a chance to slot the
(24:56):
memories back into the proper long term memory place. And
it is game changing. That's amazing. Let's get to hear
because I've actually been thinking about you mentioned kedemy and
I've done some research and ketamine and m DMA and
different different therapies UM, and I've loved me. I would
do a long The one thing I don't want to
(25:18):
do is ayahuasca because I'm not with a bunch of strangers.
I don't need to to have an hallucinogenic thing with
terrifying frogs and monkeys. I feel realize that, oh I
can get myself through anything. That's the big thing I
got out of this. I feel you're so hard on
that one. I Well, what I find really interesting about
(25:38):
the High five is that you know we are very um,
we're very literate in this language of judgment in our head,
right and so, and we're not very literate in the
language of compassion self compassion, and I think we were
when we try to talk to people and ourselves about
the self compassion piece, it's like, well, how do I begin?
(26:00):
How do I start? And how do I start to
have this conversation and change the script? And the great
thing about the High five is like, for me, when
I listen to you talk, it's like, Oh, that's that's
the thing that starts to change the script and then
we can go from there. But you're right, you have
to have a different experience um in place of of
(26:22):
the negative. You can't just start I found you can't
just dive into like oh I'm gonna be now compassionate
to myself. There has to be this physical process. And
that's what I love about this High five is like
it's so simple and it starts a different conversation. Yeah,
like the power in it and there's there's a tremendous
(26:43):
amount of um. You know, we've we've simplified it. So
it's still entertaining research in the book. But I think
the thing that makes sense at a common sense level
is for most of us, we have been so horrible
to ourselves for decades, like you're resting. Default is to say, oh,
(27:06):
you fucked up, Oh you did that wrong. Oh you're
not as pretty as Oh you're never gonna amount to.
Oh your next book won't be this, Oh that you
screwed that up. Oh this person hates you like you're
just You don't even realize how relentless the beat down is.
There's this cognitive distidance because you're so used to hearing it.
It's almost like, you know, if you really stop and
think about it, it's either your mother or your father
(27:28):
or some other caregiver's voice, or there was a traumatic
experience that locked some type of criticism into your mind.
And brains are designed to learn patterns, and so you
know you didn't mean to, but you just adopted the
same way your mom was hard on yourself, you're now
hard on you, the same way your dad was hard
(27:48):
on you. You're now hard on you. It's what's familiar,
so you keep repeating it. And when you repeat it
so much, you don't even realize, Like, I had no
idea how hard I was myself, Like I here I am,
you know, I've I've I've reinvented myself. I've clawed my
way out of the first hole. I have built a business.
(28:09):
I've paid back the eight d grand in debt, I've
gotten the lanes off the house. I have, you know,
helped millions of people. When I looked in the mirror,
I saw a person who I hated. I saw all
the things that I had done wrong in my life.
(28:30):
I saw all the things that I wasn't doing, and
I saw the major gap between me and the people
that I, at the time thought were better than me.
And that's what I focused on. You know, I once
I recently had a friend say, you're the most successful
person I know who's just as miserable as she is
(28:52):
successful because you you have been so hard on yourself.
And he was right. He was right. And and it
isn't until this, this simple habit of raising your hand
and high fiving yourself that it kind of broke everything open.
And you know, here's why this works. You already said it,
you're a genius. It's because it's a physical action. Your
(29:15):
brain and your eyeballs are watching you high five yourself,
and so you are demonstrating, through the action of high
fiving your own reflection that you believe in yourself, that
you forgive yourself, that you're going to try your best today,
and that no matter what, you have your own back.
So even on your worst mornings, even on those mornings
(29:37):
where you wake up and you've drank a bottle of
wine last night and you didn't do what you said
you were gonna do, and you blew off the gym
and you're already bitched at your kids, if you can
high five yourself, it's not a congratulation for screwing up.
It's a I see you, yesterday was hard, Today is
going to be better. And so it's a it's a
demonstration of kind, nous, of compassion, of support, and that
(30:03):
is a skill that we all need to develop. And
you know, by god, I just happened to figure out
a little hack that you can add to your morning
routine that will help you build that skill. Well, I
mean it's a yes, it's a little hack, but there's
can you go into the science a little bit on why?
And like, I also found it so interesting how you
know this is a high five is something that we've
(30:24):
been giving each other forever, like since we can remember,
and like and how that's already programmed into us and
what it means. Can you just dive into that a
little bit because I found it cool. This is really cool. Um. Like,
the first thing that's really cool is that we're not
really teaching you anything new. When you add a high
(30:47):
five to your morning routine, we're unlocking programming that's in
your brain associated with supporting other people, and we're just
going to aim it back at you to override decades
of self criticism and self hay dred. And so when
you give somebody a high five, Land, what does it
mean when you go and high five somebody? Great job,
(31:07):
like you're kicking ass, you know, yeah, I see you?
Yeah this together? Yeah. Have you ever high fived anybody
and thought you hate you? Yes? No, No, You've never
high five somebody and said I hope you lose. May
the next article they write about you be terrible. You know,
(31:29):
like it's just like you just it's not even possible
for your brain to think something negative because the wiring
with the physical action is a thousand percent positive. And
this is true for absolutely everybody, and so it's it's
(31:49):
that's one reason why it works. The other reason why
this works is because your brain doesn't know the difference
between you high fiving me or you Land high fiving
Land's reflection in the mirror. So your brain automatically not
only grabs the positive programming, but it also gives you
(32:11):
a drip of dopamine, which boost your mood, and it
also triggers your nervous system to give you a jolt
of celebratory energy. And that's why when you high five
yourself in the mirror, you'll either laugh or your smile.
And it's also why, even though it feels kind of
stupid and corny, you can't deny the fact that your
(32:34):
mood has changed from when you stepped in the bathroom
too when you leave the bathroom because of the damn
high five. And it's what it's doing physiologically. And on
that note, we're going to cut away for a super
quick break, but we'll be right back with more. Mel Robbins,
(32:54):
Welcome back. Mel and I were just talking about the
powerful impact the simple act of high fiving your reflection
can have. I've found when I when I started doing
this myself, I've found that at the beginning, there was
there was a real sense of vulnerability of looking myself
in the eye and I'll cry not thinking about it.
(33:17):
There was like there were there was sadness and tears.
And because I think at first for me at least,
because I think that it's I recognized how little I
actually look at myself in the mirror. I don't know
for me like i've I've avoided mirrors. I don't even
like mirrors half the time. I think probably a lot
(33:39):
of people can relate to that because when I look
at myself, what comes up is I'm gonna judge like
you're saying, what happened to you, I'm gonna judge every
single thing about myself. And to look at myself in
the mirror with this sense of I see you, I've
got you, I love you. Um, the first thing that
(34:00):
brought up for me was just like grief. Yeah, say
more about the grief, because this is the universal experience
people have. Fifty amount and women, based in our research,
cannot or will not look at themselves in the mirror
because they are Yeah, they're either sad about where they
(34:21):
are or disgusted by where they are, or feel ashamed
and haven't forgived themselves. There's so much shame there, I
think for a lot of people, and the grief for
me is that there's a lot of grief around spending
almost four decades of my life. I mean, I wouldn't
(34:42):
say it's been that long now, because I've last several
years have been about showing up for myself in these
new ways, um, but about spending decades where I have looked,
I've avoided the mirror, you know, and to be able
to finally come and experience myself in an new ay
with compassion and love, there's grief for all those years
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that I wasn't able to do that. That is the
most beautiful explanation of why this is such a profound
thing to add to your morning routine. I had the
exact same experience. The reason why I did so many
(35:26):
things that I regretted is because I didn't feel seen
or heard or loved. The reason why I cheated in
my best was because I didn't feel those things in
my relationship. And what I've come to learn as a
(35:48):
fifty three year old woman is that I also did
not feel those things for myself, and so I was
constantly seeking either away to themb the pain, or I
was seeking a new relationship that would make me feel
seen and heard and validated. But what I was really
(36:12):
dealing with was a deep sense of emptiness inside. And
what's happened by being able to stand and look at
myself in the mirror, something I couldn't do for decades
either because of all the regret is I don't even
see my face anymore. I just see a human being
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who I care about and who I am cheering and
rooting for. I see a woman who's trying her best.
And that's what has allowed me to finally forgive myself
for the things that I did that I used to
say I wish I could change. If I could do anything,
i'd take away the pain that I caused. But I
(36:55):
wouldn't change the things that I did because I needed
those things to actually find my way here. I agree
with you, and I I know I've I've said in
the past, Um, what is coming up for you? No,
I'm crying. I'm crying right now. I know. I know.
(37:18):
Um yeah, No, I I think it's beautiful, Like it's
there's a lot of a lot of grace that I
feel that is coming up in this conversation and that
I'm learning how to give myself. And um, yeah, I'm so.
I'm like I'm hormonal today, but it is. It's not
(37:38):
just oh my god, I'm going to break the mood here.
My I literally have been menopausal for two years, have
not had my period. My fucking daughters have been home.
Oh that will do it. I just got my period.
I was like, are you kidding me? I'm around two
twenty year olds. For two years I have had nothing,
(37:59):
and now it's time I've got my camp once again.
Go ahead. No, I was gonna say, I'm I'm in
the middle of ovdulating right now, and I'm like, this
is what happens to me when I ovulate, And it's like, yeah,
it's I learning your cycle and your hormones. This is
another place of where I'm learning compassion for myself because
(38:20):
it's like I'm I get angry, frustrated and all the things,
and I think every woman out there can understand, and
it's it's I think what you're seeing is the compassion
that I'm learning to give myself. And it's like, like
I said earlier, it's kind of it's been this mental
construct and these you know, it's been in my head
and it hasn't been I haven't been able to quite
(38:41):
drop that into my body. And it's it's now new
for me to be able to love myself, and it changes,
it changes everything. And you know, the thing that I um,
I was surprised by when I started practicing the skill
(39:02):
of being compassionate and kind to myself and forgiving of
myself and understanding and being supportive of myself is um
how it doesn't like make it arrogant. It just lifts
up your entire experience of life. And you know, I
understand the grief too, because it's only when you start
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to crack this open and practice the opposite of what
you have been doing in terms of practicing being kind,
practicing being supported, practicing seeing yourself and caring for yourself,
you know in a very emotional way that you realize
what an asshole you've been and how much pain you've
been in and why you've been drinking so much and
(39:45):
running so fast and trying to prove to the world
that no, no, no, no, no no no, I'm not
like I'm actually a good person when you didn't feel
like one. And so being able to align how you
want to feel about yourself, which is that I am
a good person and I do matter with how you
treat and speak to yourself is the ultimate superpower. And
(40:06):
you know, being a mom, you know, having daughters, it's
been one of the challenges is watching how they speak
to themselves, watching how hard they are on themselves. They
clearly picked it up for me from society. Everybody does.
And I love that they have the chance two intervene
(40:31):
and learn how to treat themselves differently at this age,
rather than waiting another three decades, which is how long
it took me. Yeah, I mean, I even feel like
at thirty nine, I feel like I'm doing pretty good.
Like I'm like, I'm I'm doing this pretty young, actually
very yeah, And I that's what I love. I think
(40:52):
what you're tapping into right now to about the next
generation is hopefully that just happens earlier and earlier. Um.
And you know, I'm sure as a mom, that's gonna
be incredibly challenging to see what they have picked up
from you that now you're shifting for yourself and you're like, wait, wait, wait,
don't get too hooked into that pattern. We can shift that.
(41:15):
And I'm sure that's got to be incredibly challenging. Yeah,
you know, like I I, um, it's hard not to
blame everything bad that happens on your kid on some
fault of your own. And I don't think there's any
parent on the planet that doesn't do something to traumatize
(41:36):
or screw their kids up. So it's really like, I
don't it's not possible, because there's a big difference between
knowing that you're loved and feeling that you're loved. And
a lot of times we do things and we rely
(41:57):
on the fact that our kids know that we've love
them right, even though we treat them with disrespect or
bully them or manipulate them emotionally to do things they
don't want to do. When you start to consider that,
it's a whole different ball game. If what you aim
to do is to make somebody feel loved, not know
(42:18):
that they're loved, but feel loved, you show up differently
because people process that differently. You know, if you whether
you're talking about love languages or you're just talking about
somebody's needs and how they like to express themselves, making
somebody feel loved looks very different human by human. Wow,
(42:39):
that is that is super profound. Actually not actually when
it is profound, because I just I literally before we
got on here, I'm working with this doctor right now.
This is absolutely wonderful. And she had me take the
love language tests and I've taken it in the past,
but it's shifted, and yeah, it's shifts it for me.
(43:00):
Mine are now acts of service where I think in
the past it used to be more of words of
affirmation and so now mine our acts of service. I
joke that it's like, Okay, I'm exhausted more these days,
so I really love when people take care of me
and do things that I need. Um. But yeah, I
know it's it's amazing that you just said that, because
that has been at the forefront of my mind this morning,
(43:22):
and that shift is yeah, that just blew my mind
right now. I was like, wow, if you could if
we could only look at our relationships in that way
of and with ourselves of not just not just saying.
And this is something that I've been playing with for myself,
is you know, showing showing up for myself and you
(43:42):
know that that high five is showing up for ourselves
every day. I was listening to something the other day
and someone was mentioning Mary Oliver the poet was asked
how she showed up to write, how she was able
to write all these great poems, and she said, because
I kept my appointment, and that helped me so so
(44:04):
um deeply, because I'm I've realized the shifts in my
life are happening daily now and to a level where it's, um,
it's it's a quickening, and it's because I'm keeping my appointment.
And that's what I love. You know. With the high five,
it's like, it's such a simple appointment to keep. And
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if we start there, then what other appointments are we
going to keep with ourselves? And that's you know, and
not only not only with ourselves but with those we love.
You know, it's like, how am I showing up for myself?
But then also like how am I keeping my appointment
with those important relationships around me in my life? And
(44:47):
you know, when you're saying to make people feel loved,
not just not just having them mentally understand that that
just kind of and all the things that I've been
coming up and flowing through my life, that just yeah,
that was perfect. So thanks. I'm sure everybody else got
something out of that, but I don't care. I just
got something. Will also make sure make sure that you
(45:10):
answer the question what makes you feel loved? Yes, because
other people can't read your mind in your body language,
and you're nervous, and so it's only through asking my husband,
my kids, my you know, colleagues, my friends, what makes
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you feel supported or loved? All Right, my friends, that's
where we're gonna wrap part one of my wonderful conversation
with the very wise Mel Robbins. Be sure to tune
into the second half, where we'll more deeply dive into
showing up in relationships for ourselves and the polarizing role
(45:54):
of medication within the self help space. It's a fascinating
discussion and I know you'll take away time of tools
from it, so I'll see then. In the meantime, please
share this episode with anyone in your life who might
benefit from its message, and be sure to leave me
a comment or rating wherever you're listening. I love getting
your feedback. Until we connect on the next Holy Human
(46:16):
take care of one another. Bye. Holy Human with Me
Leanne Rhymes is a production of I Heart Radio. You'll
find Holy Human with Leanne Rhymes on the I Heart app,
(46:36):
Apple podcast or wherever you get the podcast that matter
most to you.