November 28, 2023 • 37 mins
Do you ever have feelings that seem inconvenient or even overwhelming to you? Anger, sadness, fear, depression. What if you could use those feelings as a tool for your own growth by writing about them? That’s exactly what my guest today helps you do with a super practical tool she created out of her own story. Come learn about alchemizing your feelings with Amber Rae and check out the Feelings Journal HERE: https://www.amberrae.com/
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Pick up the pieces of your life, pulled them back
together with the word to write all the beauty and
peace and the magic that you'll start too fun when
you write your story.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
You got the.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
Words and said, don't you think it's time to.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Let them out and write them down and cover what
it's all about and write. Write your story. Write you,
write your story.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hi there, writers, This is Ali Fallon, your host of
the Write Your Story podcast, and today I have a
really special guest that I'm so excited to share with you.
Her name is Amber Ray and she's an international best
selling author, an artist, and a global advocate for creativity,
self discovery and emotional wellness. She has been transforming the
way millions of people relate to their emotions through her
(00:51):
viral art, her sold out venues, and her best selling books.
She has so much insight that she's going to share
with us today. I'm so excited to have this conversation
with you. Welcome to the show, Amber.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
Rat, Thank you, Thank you for having me. It's so
wonderful to be here.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
I'm just thrilled to have this conversation with you. I've
met you in person at least once, maybe a time
or two at different events where we've been in the
same space at the same time, and then mostly just
admired you from a distance on social media. And I
was thinking today about sitting down with you to have
this conversation and just thinking about what an absolute brilliant
(01:26):
person that you are, and what an inspiration and what
a light that you are and the way that you
show up in your creativity and online. And actually, the
word that came to mind when I was thinking about
you is I'm so jealous of how just amazing and
inspiring that you are and how freely that you show
up as exactly who you are. And I think that
(01:46):
word jealous has a really negative connotation to it in
the English language, But I know very little Spanish, but
I spend a little bit of time in custom Rica,
and there's a term that's used in Spanish, nvidia sana,
that means healthy jal that use it to mean like,
I'm jealous of you in a healthy way, Like I'm
jealous in that like I desire to be more of
(02:07):
what you are and the way that you bring yourself
to the world. So I feel like we're so lucky
to get to have this conversation with you. Thanks for
hanging out with me for a little bit.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
Of course, thank you, and thank you for your kind
words that Really it's interesting to always hear how people
see you, you know, yes, yeah, it's not necessarily how
we see ourselves. So thank you for that reflection.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
Let's talk about that a little bit.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
What is it like for you as a creative person
to show up to I don't know, two hundred and
fifty thousand people or so on Instagram and then I'm
sure you have other platforms where you're showing up as well.
What is that like for you to show up in
those spaces as a creative person day after day.
Speaker 4 (02:44):
Yeah, you know, it's it's interesting, and it's always evolving.
And I'm only recently coming back into social media. I
took about a year break. I went through a big
life transition, left the marriage, fell in love, like reevaluated
all of my work, started writing in a different way
and was trying to find my voice there. And I
think when we go through any big transition or the
(03:06):
moment for me was suddenly it was like, ooh, my
outsides don't feel like my insides and outsides being the
you know, the work or the content or the you
know what I've been creating on social media and the Internet,
and I had to take this moment of kind of
going inward and asking myself those big questions again after
going through such a big change of you know, who
(03:29):
am I now and what have the stories that I've
been telling myself? And you know, it was it was
more of a time of introspection. And so after that
period of kind of going within, I feel like, now
I'm coming back to social media and being like, Okay,
now I my outsides and insides aligne again, and so
now I'm really ready to share and speak and communicate
(03:52):
and have offerings from that place, which was interesting and
unexpected because I feel like creativity and work we're always
the constant for me, the thing that was the maybe
the most effortless or natural. My mom was an entrepreneur
and creative for self, and so I had a lot
of that modeling growing up.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Yeah, but it's.
Speaker 4 (04:10):
Interesting when when you know, we go through things in
life that at least came into question for me.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Yeah, that's a tricky situation too, when you're transforming inside
of your own life, but you're also being watched by
other people around totally. So it adds an element of
I don't know if you feel this way, it just
adds an element of pressure where you're like, not only
is the very foundation that I feel that I've stood
on for all of my life being shaken, but also
(04:36):
like I'm being observed as if in a fish bowl,
And I mean that happens for all of us on
different levels, Like it could happen even if you don't
have a social media following. It could just literally be
like my family is watching me and they don't understand
this transition that I'm going through. I don't know if
you have thoughts on like how did you navigate that?
What made you decide to pull back from social media
(04:58):
for that period of time.
Speaker 4 (04:59):
Yeah, you know, my kind of motto or north star
has always been I'm going to tell the truth about
my life and hopes that through kind of me going
first or revealing myself, it might help you see yourself
more clearly. But I think a big lesson for me
was around I don't know if discernments the right word.
It was just more like, actually, this is a story
(05:22):
that I'm living, This is not yet a story that
I'm telling. And I think that was a really helpful
realization because when I was so in it, I didn't
even yet have the ability to distill it or write
about it or share it. And so giving myself permission
to really have that space and to be in my
(05:43):
emotions around it, and to be in my uncovering of
you know how you know, after you know, I separated
from my now ex husband. You know, how did I?
How did we get here? How did this happen? How
did I? You know? Where was I not being fully
honest with myself? There are so many questions that I
really had to sit in in those questions before I
(06:04):
felt like I had even anything to say. So, yeah,
it's been a you know, someone who like I feel
like I won a good like ten twelve years and
it was just like share, share, share, share, share, Yeah,
And I was like, whoa, I need to take a
step back.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Yeah, deciding or discerning, like you said, the difference between like,
am I ready to, like you said this, to distill
this down into something that's sharable, or do I just
need to fully receive the experience and live inside of
the experience to allow it to do the work that
(06:41):
it's trying to do inside of me. Yeah, that Discernment
is something each of us have to have for ourselves,
and I think it can be tricky because we probably
most of us fall on one side of the spectrum
or the other.
Speaker 3 (06:50):
Like it's either easier for us.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
I'm in your camp where I'm like, it's easy for
me to share what's going on with me. Yeah, so
I have to almost convince myself to be like, just
just don't for just a second, well this happens for you,
or then there may be people who are on the
other side of the spectrum who have a really hard
time sharing even when they know it's time. So right, Yeah,
that can be a difficult balance to strike.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
Yeah, So to answer your original question of like how
is it to be? You know, I feel like discernment
has been such a beautiful lesson because also, you know,
sharing online is creative energy. So what I instead of
over the last year, you know, sharing as the journey
was unfolding in my life, I actually channeled that energy
(07:34):
into writing. I'm not writing a memoir a book, and
so I feel like, you know, all the energy I
maybe spent on daily Instagram posts went into daily writing
and so it was interesting to also in that kind
of coming inward being, like, what do I want to
create in here in my own safe space.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Yeah, I want to talk about that, But I also
want to go back to something you said a minute
ago before we go that direction, which is you said
something to the effect of that you were finding your voice.
And I think this is one of those things where
we tell ourselves that we find our voice once in
our lives, and then it's found. And I want you
to just talk about what it's like to find your
(08:16):
voice again.
Speaker 4 (08:18):
Yeah, I mean, finding your voice is like finding yourself,
and it's not anything that is, you know, static, It's
very changing, it's very evolving. And I think giving ourselves permission,
even if we say something, to let that unfold and
(08:38):
to shift and evolve. Having that that, yeah, that permission
to be these emerging beings, I think is really helpful.
Even I'm remembering, I went to see a talk with
Elizabeth Gilbert and she got on stage and she was like,
I'm so sorry about my like I can't remember exactly
how she phrased it, so I'm paraphrasing about my like
(08:59):
live your passion idea. I'm a jackhammer. And so I
made a vow of writing when I was a kid,
and I have just you know, written and written and written.
But she's like, what I've also realized is that there
are hummingbirds, and hummingbirds are people who are creative pollinators
and they jump around to ideas and so maybe it's
not one thing that they go so deep into, but
(09:21):
actually it's a variety of things that they explore. And
that moment for me, when she basically said this thing
that I've been saying I don't still agree with, I
actually have evolved my point of view and this is
my point of view now thanks to the feedback loop
that we've all had together. And I think that's the
beautiful thing. I mentioned safe space, which is I think
the internal creative space that we have with ourselves, and
(09:44):
then when we start sharing with our community, I think
we move from safe space to brave space. And the
power of the brave space is that there's a feedback loop.
And in that feedback loop, you get to find out
what's resonating, what's not resonating, Why is it you know,
why is landing, what is it sticky? What is it
bringing up for people? And there's discernment required there too,
(10:04):
because sometimes it's projection.
Speaker 5 (10:06):
And it's not ours to take on, but sometimes it
can be really useful to see, you know, what is
it the tops of people's heart and mind, so that
not only are we creating work or writing things or
building things that make us come alive, but they deeply
resonate with others too.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Do you think there's a level at which you need
the safe space internally before you can have the fortitude
to enter into the brave space. Do you feel like
that progression exists for you?
Speaker 4 (10:38):
I don't think I thought about it so literally literally,
but and linearly. And I think in my own sharing journey,
there are probably moments where I didn't have as much
established safety within that would have been helpful for the
way that when I shared in brave Space, the feedback
(10:59):
or the criticism that I received I found really destabilizing.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
Yes, and so.
Speaker 4 (11:04):
So I think there were moments where I learned like, ooh, okay,
that doesn't feel good, but also like, that's why am
I so affected by this? So I think having that,
like you know, and this is why I love the
practice of journaling so much, because that journal journaling for
me is that safe space, It is that connection with myself,
It is that place to really work out freely on
(11:25):
the page what is present and alive in me. And
then it's through that process of kind of uncovering, unlocking
expressing that usually I find out, ooh, there's a thread
of something there that's there's something that I want to
create with that. But it's only in that safe space
with myself that I find kind of the inside or
the epiphany or the concept that I think is something
(11:48):
that feels right to share.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Talk about the Feelings Journal, because this was the thing
that made me reach out to you and say, we've
got to get you on the podcast to talk about this,
because I think this is so brilliant what you've created.
Speaker 4 (12:10):
It's so hard to talk about the things you create.
I'm like, so, do I describe it very briefly? No,
But it's a journal for cultivating emotional well being. You know.
I've spent the last fifteen years both in my own
emotional inquiry and research and working with a lot of
other people to understand both like how do they journal
or why do they journal? Or why do they not journal?
(12:32):
And how can I develop a guided journal that takes
the pressure off but also makes the process of exploring
your emotions and doing that in our work enjoyable and peaseful,
because what I kept hearing is, I want to explore
my innermost thoughts and feelings, but the blank page is
really daunting. Yeah, I'm afraid of what will come spilling out,
(12:54):
or I don't know what questions to ask myself, or
I don't even know what I'm feeling. And so it
was all all of those questions that kind of, you know,
lit me up and had me start thinking, Okay, well,
how could I design a tool that made it much
easier for people to like name and identify what they're feeling,
and then understand what that feeling is trying to say
(13:14):
why it's showing up, what it wants them to know,
and then actually give them the prompts and the tools
to be able to write with process and navigate that emotion.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
One of the things that I saw you say about
the journal that really stood out to me is this
idea of there not being such a thing as a
negative emotion or a bad emotion. Let's talk about that
for just a little bit.
Speaker 4 (13:37):
Yeah, that's probably the north star really of the journal
is that I think a lot of us, myself included,
grew up thinking that emotions are either good or bad,
and I should feel the good ones, and I should
push away and run away and shut down all of
the uncomfortable or negative ones. And I think the you know,
after a few panic attacks and you know, hard moments
(14:00):
in my twenties, I was like, my feelings are not
the enemy. Clearly they're trying to get my attention. And
then you know, different psychotherapy research and work, but ultimately
came to the realization that actually emotions are messengers and
they have wisdom for us when we can get still
enough to listen. And so anger isn't bad, anxiety isn't bad,
(14:24):
fear isn't bad. Actually, the thing that can be unhelpful
or that can create suffering is our relationship to those emotions,
not the emotion itself. So when we think, oh, no,
anxiety is bad, I need to make it go away,
then that's when we numb or have behaviors that don't
support us and just saying, hey, anxiety, I see you,
(14:44):
thank you for being here. What are you trying to
tell me? What is it you want me to know?
My goal with this journal is that really helps people
shift the relationship to their emotions, to see them all
as you know, useful messengers who are trying to help
us really identify our needs and move toward wholeness.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
And by the way, when you want your anxiety to
go away and you do a thing that seems to
make it go away, it doesn't really go away exactly.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
It's a like a blow up ball where you like.
Speaker 4 (15:13):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, the water, oh yeah yeah, and.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Hold under the water, and the minute that you let
it go, that thing's going to shoot up so high.
So the only option really is to see it, to
welcome it, to process it. And I think you're right
that a lot of people don't even know where to
begin with something like that.
Speaker 4 (15:31):
So the way I index the journal, it's so much
easier to show than tell. But it's indexed by I
feel or I want to feel, And so you can, like,
let's say a conversation makes you feel angry, you can
see the anger page flip to. Every emotion has its
own unique page, and so anger will have a message
like is there an emotion that you feel that you
(15:52):
want me to I could do angry, I could do afraid,
I could do anxious, a shames or out?
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Is there too anxious? Because that one is just ever
present in my life.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (16:03):
So the message from anxiety is anxiety is a persistent
alley who will do whatever it takes to get your attention.
While anxiety's presence may feel alarming, it's inviting you to
slow down and find the courage to listen. Now is
not the time to ignore or deny how you feel.
Turn toward anxiety with curiosity and respect. Healing awaits. So
(16:24):
every emotion has a message like that to help you
be like, Okay, why is this appearing? What might this
be wanting me to know? And then they're actually prompt
specific to that emotion that helps you begin to unpack
it and explore it more.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
How amazing, What an incredible tool.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
I feel like because of what I've taught in my
book The Power of Writing It Down, I talk about
the data that really is behind this idea that writing
is a powerful tool to cultivate change and to bring
healing into your life. And there's a massive body of
data that shows this, and it always shocks me that
people haven't like taken this and run with it, that
more people haven't done that. And I've had several different
(17:03):
clients and publishers and whatever ask me if I've wanted
to create a guided journal, And it's not that I
haven't wanted to create one, it's that I haven't had
the insight for how exactly to arrange it or organize
it where it would genuinely be helpful for someone. Because
for me, when I journal, it's a very intuitive process.
So I don't even know how I do it. I mean,
maybe I could slow down enough to figure out how
(17:25):
I do it, but I haven't done that. So when
I saw that you had created this journal, I was like,
this is brilliant. This is going to help so many people.
I ordered my two copies already. It just came out
today as we're talking, and I can't wait to have
it in my hands, and I know other people are
really going to love it too.
Speaker 4 (17:40):
Thank you. Yeah, I'm really out Of all the things
that I've created in my life, this is probably the tool,
not that I believe in most, but I think is
like has the power to like really transform because you
read a book and inspires you, it gives you permission.
It can like you know, be a powerful kick, which
is beautiful, but it's you know, this journal is it
helps you create that practice of deep listening, and I
(18:03):
launched it in COVID, actually the first edition of it,
and it sold out quite quickly. You know, COVID was
a time of a lot of emotions. I had teachers
buying them for anxious students and using government funding. I
had someone write to me and say that they realized
they were gay and they came out to their family
and then they told someone they had feelings for them,
but that person didn't feel the same way, but the
(18:25):
journal helped them process that. I had people say, you know,
I've always had this book in me, but I've had
so much fear and nervousness about writing a book, putting
it out there, figuring out what I have to say,
And the journal helped me to really like unlock what
my story is. It was just like I mean, honestly,
it like when I get stories. It brings me. It
brings me to tears because it's like and what I
(18:48):
love most about it is that it's guiding people to
be their own guys. Yes, you know, it's not a
book where it's like, here are the answers. It's here
the question so you can find your own answers. Which
are you know unique to you?
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Yes, which is so unbelievable because what people don't realize
is that all the wisdom of the universe is inside
of them, if only they had the courage to look inside.
And that's something that I've learned through the process of
putting my story down on paper. When I think I'm
most lost is actually when that wisdom is trying to
(19:24):
come to the surface, and the tool of writing has
helped me so much to do that. So I'm really
really thankful that you created this and that people will
have this journal and have you as a guide.
Speaker 4 (19:35):
Thank you, Thank you and them solid Booger guide.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
And yes and themselves.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
I just couldn't in structure. It made it easier.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
But you've been sharing journal prompts forever. I mean for
as long as I've been following, You've been sharing journal prompts,
and you just have a way of asking the right
question to get someone to look at a situation a
little bit differently. I think that's a real gift that
you have. So what a cool thing that now this
is inside of a product that people can purchase and
interact with.
Speaker 4 (20:00):
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Can we talk about your creative process? What does it
look like? For you on a daily basis to both
run a business also be this creative person. I know
you're also working on a book right now, and you've
written a couple of other books. Let's start with the
writing piece first, like, what does the writing process look.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
Like for you?
Speaker 4 (20:18):
My creative process looks different depending on the season that
I'm in and I am finding as I'm launching this journal,
which is a business, and I decided not to publish
this with my publisher, I actually have designed it and
made it all my own. I have printed like I'm
it's my own small Good for you, Good for you,
thank you, thank you. But writing a business and writing
(20:39):
a book are not necessarily great friends, they are not
such different in mind. So you know, I am writing
creatively when I'm writing a book, and I am writing book,
and you know, I wake up and I write, And
most days I try not to be like it has
to be every day and this exactly time. But I
(21:01):
do find I have the most energy in the morning.
If I get my writing done, whether it's a paragraph
or fifteen hundred words, first thing in the day, I
feel amazing. Yeah, and everything else during that day as
a bonus.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Isn't that crazy how it, like, is such a such
a confidence boost that you were like, I'm I'm bad ass,
Like I just wrote, you know, a thousand words of
my book and now like I'm just responding to emails whatever.
Speaker 4 (21:27):
That's fine exactly, And it doesn't need to be good
and it doesn't need to be great, which is you
know something that you know, as someone who wants to
write a great book, you know, wanting it to be
great definitely would get in the way of progress and
getting to that first draft. But yeah, that just having
the writing done first and not from a place I
had to. Julia Cameron talks about this and how discipline
(21:49):
is overrated. She talks about how play and like how
can you have a love affair with your art and
that sort of thing, and it's helped me to be like,
this isn't about rigidity. This is about the fact that
when I do this, it makes me feel good.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Yes, this is an evolution of my writing process too.
I'm like just so pumped to hear you say this,
because five years ago, pre COVID, my message to writers
would have been I wouldn't have used the word discipline,
but I would have said write every morning, put it
on your calendar. Treat this like any other appointment. You've
got to show up, You've got to get your butt
(22:23):
in the seat, which is an Anlamock quote. But I
have evolved, especially having kids, having two little kids, because
for me to have the standard for myself that I
have to write every morning means that nights when I'm
up in the middle of the night with my two
small children and I get three hours of sleep, and
I'm forcing myself to get out of bed at five
am to get my writing done before my kids get
(22:45):
up or maybe a child wakes up at five point fifteen.
And now I'm shaming myself because I'm not doing my
writing this morning instead of just going like it's all
just part of the process, like this is in many
ways also writing the book. Being with my kids, going
on a walk, taking good care of my body, eating breakfast,
taking a moment to breathe, meditating, all of it is
(23:07):
also part of writing the book.
Speaker 4 (23:09):
Absolutely yeah. And that's so important because I know in
past creative seasons I have pushed myself so hard there
is almost like not much of me left, and then
that is really that is not sustainable. And so I
love hearing how you know, the prioritization of yourself and
your energy and your well being and taking care of
(23:30):
yourself so that the writing can actually thrive and sustain itself.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
So you're working on a memoir right now.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
How was the experience of writing a memoir different from
the books you've written in the past.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
I've had to learn how to be a completely different writer,
and like going back to finding, you know, finding your voice.
And I feel like every book I've has had a
slightly different voice, and I've always had memoir aspects to
my writing. All of my my books have been, you know,
somewhat My first book, Choose Wonder over Worry, I would
always explain it was like part memoir, part manifesto, part map.
(24:13):
But with this book, I'm not giving the reader advice.
I'm telling a story, and so learning how to be
a great storyteller has been learning how to show versus tell.
Where it's like self help. It's like, Okay, I'm gonna
tell you a story and then I'm gonna wrap the
lesson in a bow and give it to you, you know,
and tell you exactly what you need to take away
(24:34):
from this essay. Yeah, this is a very different I
don't like to use necessarily masculine and feminine. But it's
like a more delicate writing process and how can I
vividly show here and how can I make this scene
also a character. I've just had learned to be an
entirely new writer, watching more movies, reading more books, see
(24:54):
how it's done well. It's always been a yearning of
mine to write memoir, so I feel like I've been
practicing with my other writing and yeah, it's been a
It's been a beautiful process of self discovery.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
I bet in addition to the actual like practice of
writing that part feeling different. Does writing a memoir feel
like it requires more from you emotionally than writing a
self help book?
Speaker 4 (25:21):
Did? Yeah? Definitely. I Mean my first book was because
it was quite personal. I felt that kind of I'd
say the writing process is pretty cathartic for me, Like
I'm discovering and meeting myself on the page and finding
out things that I don't necessarily didn't know going into
writing it, which is was expected and unexpected, you know,
(25:44):
like I think, I you know, I'm I'm so the memoir,
writing a story about something that happened to me. I'm
the expert on this. No, I'm constantly revealing myself to myself,
which is kind of like interesting and so, and that's
part of like what is such a It's it's healing,
you know, to use the tool of writing and the
(26:05):
written word to just tap into and access parts of
self that I'm not present or conscious of. And even
speaking back to process, you know, because it's sitting on
a computer and looking at a blank document can sometimes
be like, Okay, what am I going to do here?
I almost always start with pen and paper.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
Oh interesting, yeah, okay, so.
Speaker 4 (26:26):
I like get your butt in the chair. I'm like
open your journal in bed before you leave the bed,
or like grab a cup of tea or coffee and
like actually go in bed where it's cozy, and I'll
start writing. Because I find I access a different part
of myself using pen and paper than I do typing.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
It makes total sense. The data shows that this is
true too. Then there's a different part of your brain
that you access when you actually physically pick up a
pen with your hand and put pen to paper.
Speaker 3 (26:56):
And it also makes sense.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
It's like, you know, I always talk about how inside
of the writing process you're accessing a different part of
your brain, you're accessing your olymbic system, whereas we operate
most of our days out of our frontal cortex, which is,
by the way, why I think business ownership and book
writing don't play well together, because one is frontal cortex
and one is limbic system. And limbic system is like
(27:19):
your most creative artistic friend who never shows up for
anything on time, forgets to pay their bills. They're super brilliant,
but they're not super reliable. That's your limbic system. And
so to access your limbic system, I'll say to people,
this is why I think writing when you first wake
up works so well, because usually, aside from having children
in the house, but usually this is a time of
(27:41):
day where you don't have anything else scheduled, you don't
have anything else going on. You were already in your
limbic system while you were sleeping, and you can capitalize
on that. And even that idea of staying in bed,
I think that must have something to do with sort
of like continuing the dream like state and pulling that
into your creative life and being willing to think nonlinearly
(28:02):
for a while, being willing to let your brain kind
of wander and say whatever you know happens to pop
up to the surface, to not need it to be
chronological or to make sense. Yet all of that allows
you to access your deepest creativity and access more of
what you're trying to say, which later will be edited
(28:22):
with your frontal.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
Cortex before you share.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
But those two parts of our brain don't always play
super nice together, so it can feel a little bit
like a tug of war.
Speaker 4 (28:31):
Yeah, and the editor that when I'm typing is like, ooh,
you could write that differently, ooh did it you know,
which can be helpful. But when I'm like, oh okay, yeah, ooh,
but when I am writing pen to paper in a journal,
my editor is very quiet or much quieter.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (28:46):
You know, it's just because the goal is just like,
this can be messy, you know what wants to come through?
Oh yeah, okay, that story, that moment, How do I
write that childhood scene? Let me write it as if
I'm eight years old and I'm there. It allows that
first draft to come, and once I have that, then
I take it to and then I get digital. Yeah,
and once I have a rough first draft, then I'll
(29:08):
type it up.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
I like that.
Speaker 4 (29:09):
That's been a huge difference maker for me.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
It makes me want to revive my pen and paper
practice because I just don't do much of it anymore.
It's so convenient because the phone is in my hand
that if I'm taking notes in my notes app, and
it's just convenient and it's I'm more likely to have
the phone on me than anything else. Before I had kids,
I would carry a notebook with me wherever I went,
(29:33):
and I think sometimes even having like colored pencils or
markers instead of a pen feels somehow less intimidating. But yeah,
I don't do that as much anymore, But I mean
it would be easy for me to do it. My
daughter's like begging to color all the time, so I
can just sit down with her and do it while
she colors.
Speaker 4 (29:50):
So exactly exactly. When I teach writing workshops, I have
everyone write with pen and paper. What I hear from
people is like, WHOA, I didn't know that was going
to come. I didn't know I was going to go there,
which is my favorite thing to hear. Hear I didn't
know I was going to go there with the exactly.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
Yeah, exactly. This is the beauty of the writing process.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
It's working exactly.
Speaker 2 (30:13):
I know your other books do have been very visual
because you're also a visual artist. It's one of the
things that I think is so amazing about you that
you have a way of creating these visuals that they
really accentuate what you're saying with the words. Are you
going to include any visuals in the memoir or will
it be more of a traditional trade book.
Speaker 4 (30:31):
That's a good question. I had to call with my
book coaches yesterday, who were you know? I have, like,
I don't know, seventy five percent of the book done
and the twenty five percent that I'm struggling to finish.
They're like, what if you drew it? Yeah, And and
my intuitive hunch is that it's going to be fully
written and not to me. Illustrating is how do I
(30:53):
take the essential truth of what I'm trying to say
here and make it visual so that people can immediately
digest it. So it's like, Okay, this scene that I'm
stuck on, like, Okay, if I drew it, I have
to then identify what the essential truth is, which then
might help me finish it. So I don't know. I
don't know yet if illustrating is going to be more
of a creative tool, or if it's going to be
(31:14):
something that ends up in the final book to be determined,
well we can't experiment.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
Okay, last sort of thread.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
I want to go down and share as much as
you feel free to share. But I'm very curious about
the decision to self publish your journal because I know
we have a lot of people listening who hope to
publish a book one day. And I've been beating on
the drums since I don't know, summer of twenty twenty
saying essentially, stop waiting for a publisher or stop waiting
(31:42):
for a publishing path to open in front of you,
in order to give yourself permission to write your book.
Just write the freaking thing. Because there are so many
different ways that you can publish books. And I have
a book coming out next year in May of twenty
twenty four that it's published with a hybrid publisher called
Forefront here in Nashville, which is a great opportun unity
for an author to still get distribution. That's the hybrid
(32:03):
piece of it, as you get distribution through a traditional publisher,
but you maintain all of the creative rights and you
maintain depending on the publisher like somewhere between fifty and
seventy percent of your royalties. So it's a it's just
a really great option for so many authors. And I'd
love to hear, like what made you decide to make
that decision? And I know you're one day into it,
(32:23):
so you don't really know how it's going. But the
process of publishing did it feel like that was attainable
to you without having the backing of a traditional publisher.
Speaker 4 (32:32):
I worked with a print partner, I had them, you know,
I this was more than a lot of hybrid or
some like if you self publish, you can very quickly
put it on. Yeah, this was a like I hired
a creative agency. We like, got a beautiful design. I
have a printer in China doing it. You know, they're
on the boat right now. So this is like a
(32:54):
big I would say, And I'm having to learn things
about fulfillment and sales tow and like I understand that
are that make it a business. So I would not
necessarily recommend this way of self publishing.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Yeah you're like you're like in real time learning how
to like learning supply chain and yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4 (33:17):
Yeah, setting up a fulfillment center, like you know doing
all of that, So I can't really speak to I've
never self published a book on Amazon. I know they'll
like make a business self published path and the traditional
publisher path. But I do know a lot like Adam
Smiley Poswowski. I don't know if you know him.
Speaker 3 (33:35):
I don't.
Speaker 4 (33:36):
He's a big advocate. He did his book, it was
called The Quarter Life Breakthrough. This was many years ago,
but he self published it on Amazon. You know, I
iRED someone to make a quick cover design, got it
out there and then sold like started using that to
get corporate gigs and has a now massive speaking career.
Then a traditional publisher picked it up. Once they picked
(33:58):
it up, then that led him to get more book deals.
So there's I totally agree with the idea of get
it out there, whether that's like it's a mediam essay
or you get it's like some version of the story,
get traction around it, both for sales, whether you publish
it yourself, go with a hybrid, or go with a traditional,
but absolutely get your message out there. And there are
many ways to do it today that are much easier
(34:20):
than before with you know, the gatekeepers to publish it.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
Yes, there are just infinite options available to every aspiring
author today, and the options keep on opening, like they
keep on multiplying, and so you don't even know if
you started writing your book today, there could be a
new option that you've never even thought, ever heard of,
that could be available in six months from now that's
not available right now, or that you just haven't heard
about yet. So my push is always to just get
(34:47):
people to trust themselves and trust that call that they
have to get a story down on paper.
Speaker 4 (34:52):
Absolutely, absolutely everyone. You know, people are like, oh, my
story hasn't already been told, And I'm like, not by you,
not by you. And that's also so other focused. When
I hear people say, oh, when my story has already
been told, I'm like that you're not even considering the
process of healing and revelation that's going to come for you,
of putting pen to paper, which is perhaps even more
(35:15):
important then whether or not it's been told. And I
think it's only through the process of putting pen to
paper that we realized, oh, wait, this is my story
that I get to tell.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
Yeah, it's one thousand percent more important. In my opinion.
It's like you could hit the New York Times list
and have a billboard in Times Square and all of
that stuff is great and an amazing accomplishment. And also
if the process of writing the book makes you feel
more confident, more at home in your own skin, like
you can stand on your own two feet, like you
know who you are and what your purpose is and
(35:47):
what you're here for and why you matter so much.
It's like which one are we calling more important?
Speaker 4 (35:53):
You know?
Speaker 2 (35:54):
So I just, yeah, I think there's no reason for
people to not do it.
Speaker 3 (35:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (35:59):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (36:00):
Where can people find the Feelings.
Speaker 4 (36:01):
Journal amberay dot com, my website and then also on Instagram.
I have an Instagram shop, so you can also buy
it directly in the app. But yeah, Amber dot com
slash feelings dash Journal. But if you just go to
the website, you'll see a link.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
If you buy two copies, you get to come to
a free workshop that you're teaching. Talk about the workshop
really quick.
Speaker 4 (36:20):
So I'm teaching a workshop in January, which is to
really in a sacred space, all of us together, journaling together,
which is always such a powerful experience to be with
other people who are like committed to doing it together.
I think it always creates beautiful community. But I'm going
to guide you through how to use the journal, as
well as some signature technique, some aha inducing prompts, and
(36:42):
really guide you to connect more deeply with yourself in
your inter emotional world.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
I love it. The journal itself is so beautiful. It's
so beautifully designed. I can't wait to get mine in
the mail. I can't wait to start using it. I
know this is going to be really massively helpful for
so many people. So thank you for making it. Thank
you for trust yourself and moving into that brave space
and making this for us. We're very, very grateful.
Speaker 4 (37:05):
Thank you, And please tell me I'd love to hear
about your experience, your epiphany.
Speaker 3 (37:09):
I will and I'll be at the workshop too. So
so great.
Speaker 1 (37:12):
Yay.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
I can't tell you how excited I am about this.
I saw it and I just was like, we need
to have her on the podcast. This needs to get
into people's hands. It's like, if I could have invented anything,
this is what I would have invented, and you've made
it so beautifully and I'm just really really excited. So
so thank you for taking the time to share with
us today. Thanks for being here, Thanks for sharing your
wisdom and your insight. And I can't wait to read
(37:33):
the memoir too.
Speaker 4 (37:34):
Thank you, thanks for having me
Pick up the pieces of your life, pulled them back
together with the word to write all the beauty and
peace and the magic that you'll start too fun when
you write your story.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
You got the.
Speaker 3 (00:13):
Words and said, don't you think it's time to.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Let them out and write them down and cover what
it's all about and write. Write your story. Write you,
write your story.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Hi there, writers, This is Ali Fallon, your host of
the Write Your Story podcast, and today I have a
really special guest that I'm so excited to share with you.
Her name is Amber Ray and she's an international best
selling author, an artist, and a global advocate for creativity,
self discovery and emotional wellness. She has been transforming the
way millions of people relate to their emotions through her
(00:51):
viral art, her sold out venues, and her best selling books.
She has so much insight that she's going to share
with us today. I'm so excited to have this conversation
with you. Welcome to the show, Amber.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
Rat, Thank you, Thank you for having me. It's so
wonderful to be here.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
I'm just thrilled to have this conversation with you. I've
met you in person at least once, maybe a time
or two at different events where we've been in the
same space at the same time, and then mostly just
admired you from a distance on social media. And I
was thinking today about sitting down with you to have
this conversation and just thinking about what an absolute brilliant
(01:26):
person that you are, and what an inspiration and what
a light that you are and the way that you
show up in your creativity and online. And actually, the
word that came to mind when I was thinking about
you is I'm so jealous of how just amazing and
inspiring that you are and how freely that you show
up as exactly who you are. And I think that
(01:46):
word jealous has a really negative connotation to it in
the English language, But I know very little Spanish, but
I spend a little bit of time in custom Rica,
and there's a term that's used in Spanish, nvidia sana,
that means healthy jal that use it to mean like,
I'm jealous of you in a healthy way, Like I'm
jealous in that like I desire to be more of
(02:07):
what you are and the way that you bring yourself
to the world. So I feel like we're so lucky
to get to have this conversation with you. Thanks for
hanging out with me for a little bit.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
Of course, thank you, and thank you for your kind
words that Really it's interesting to always hear how people
see you, you know, yes, yeah, it's not necessarily how
we see ourselves. So thank you for that reflection.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
Let's talk about that a little bit.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
What is it like for you as a creative person
to show up to I don't know, two hundred and
fifty thousand people or so on Instagram and then I'm
sure you have other platforms where you're showing up as well.
What is that like for you to show up in
those spaces as a creative person day after day.
Speaker 4 (02:44):
Yeah, you know, it's it's interesting, and it's always evolving.
And I'm only recently coming back into social media. I
took about a year break. I went through a big
life transition, left the marriage, fell in love, like reevaluated
all of my work, started writing in a different way
and was trying to find my voice there. And I
think when we go through any big transition or the
(03:06):
moment for me was suddenly it was like, ooh, my
outsides don't feel like my insides and outsides being the
you know, the work or the content or the you
know what I've been creating on social media and the Internet,
and I had to take this moment of kind of
going inward and asking myself those big questions again after
going through such a big change of you know, who
(03:29):
am I now and what have the stories that I've
been telling myself? And you know, it was it was
more of a time of introspection. And so after that
period of kind of going within, I feel like, now
I'm coming back to social media and being like, Okay,
now I my outsides and insides aligne again, and so
now I'm really ready to share and speak and communicate
(03:52):
and have offerings from that place, which was interesting and
unexpected because I feel like creativity and work we're always
the constant for me, the thing that was the maybe
the most effortless or natural. My mom was an entrepreneur
and creative for self, and so I had a lot
of that modeling growing up.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Yeah, but it's.
Speaker 4 (04:10):
Interesting when when you know, we go through things in
life that at least came into question for me.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Yeah, that's a tricky situation too, when you're transforming inside
of your own life, but you're also being watched by
other people around totally. So it adds an element of
I don't know if you feel this way, it just
adds an element of pressure where you're like, not only
is the very foundation that I feel that I've stood
on for all of my life being shaken, but also
(04:36):
like I'm being observed as if in a fish bowl,
And I mean that happens for all of us on
different levels, Like it could happen even if you don't
have a social media following. It could just literally be
like my family is watching me and they don't understand
this transition that I'm going through. I don't know if
you have thoughts on like how did you navigate that?
What made you decide to pull back from social media
(04:58):
for that period of time.
Speaker 4 (04:59):
Yeah, you know, my kind of motto or north star
has always been I'm going to tell the truth about
my life and hopes that through kind of me going
first or revealing myself, it might help you see yourself
more clearly. But I think a big lesson for me
was around I don't know if discernments the right word.
It was just more like, actually, this is a story
(05:22):
that I'm living, This is not yet a story that
I'm telling. And I think that was a really helpful
realization because when I was so in it, I didn't
even yet have the ability to distill it or write
about it or share it. And so giving myself permission
to really have that space and to be in my
(05:43):
emotions around it, and to be in my uncovering of
you know how you know, after you know, I separated
from my now ex husband. You know, how did I?
How did we get here? How did this happen? How
did I? You know? Where was I not being fully
honest with myself? There are so many questions that I
really had to sit in in those questions before I
(06:04):
felt like I had even anything to say. So, yeah,
it's been a you know, someone who like I feel
like I won a good like ten twelve years and
it was just like share, share, share, share, share, Yeah,
And I was like, whoa, I need to take a
step back.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Yeah, deciding or discerning, like you said, the difference between like,
am I ready to, like you said this, to distill
this down into something that's sharable, or do I just
need to fully receive the experience and live inside of
the experience to allow it to do the work that
(06:41):
it's trying to do inside of me. Yeah, that Discernment
is something each of us have to have for ourselves,
and I think it can be tricky because we probably
most of us fall on one side of the spectrum
or the other.
Speaker 3 (06:50):
Like it's either easier for us.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
I'm in your camp where I'm like, it's easy for
me to share what's going on with me. Yeah, so
I have to almost convince myself to be like, just
just don't for just a second, well this happens for you,
or then there may be people who are on the
other side of the spectrum who have a really hard
time sharing even when they know it's time. So right, Yeah,
that can be a difficult balance to strike.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
Yeah, So to answer your original question of like how
is it to be? You know, I feel like discernment
has been such a beautiful lesson because also, you know,
sharing online is creative energy. So what I instead of
over the last year, you know, sharing as the journey
was unfolding in my life, I actually channeled that energy
(07:34):
into writing. I'm not writing a memoir a book, and
so I feel like, you know, all the energy I
maybe spent on daily Instagram posts went into daily writing
and so it was interesting to also in that kind
of coming inward being, like, what do I want to
create in here in my own safe space.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Yeah, I want to talk about that, But I also
want to go back to something you said a minute
ago before we go that direction, which is you said
something to the effect of that you were finding your voice.
And I think this is one of those things where
we tell ourselves that we find our voice once in
our lives, and then it's found. And I want you
to just talk about what it's like to find your
(08:16):
voice again.
Speaker 4 (08:18):
Yeah, I mean, finding your voice is like finding yourself,
and it's not anything that is, you know, static, It's
very changing, it's very evolving. And I think giving ourselves permission,
even if we say something, to let that unfold and
(08:38):
to shift and evolve. Having that that, yeah, that permission
to be these emerging beings, I think is really helpful.
Even I'm remembering, I went to see a talk with
Elizabeth Gilbert and she got on stage and she was like,
I'm so sorry about my like I can't remember exactly
how she phrased it, so I'm paraphrasing about my like
(08:59):
live your passion idea. I'm a jackhammer. And so I
made a vow of writing when I was a kid,
and I have just you know, written and written and written.
But she's like, what I've also realized is that there
are hummingbirds, and hummingbirds are people who are creative pollinators
and they jump around to ideas and so maybe it's
not one thing that they go so deep into, but
(09:21):
actually it's a variety of things that they explore. And
that moment for me, when she basically said this thing
that I've been saying I don't still agree with, I
actually have evolved my point of view and this is
my point of view now thanks to the feedback loop
that we've all had together. And I think that's the
beautiful thing. I mentioned safe space, which is I think
the internal creative space that we have with ourselves, and
(09:44):
then when we start sharing with our community, I think
we move from safe space to brave space. And the
power of the brave space is that there's a feedback loop.
And in that feedback loop, you get to find out
what's resonating, what's not resonating, Why is it you know,
why is landing, what is it sticky? What is it
bringing up for people? And there's discernment required there too,
(10:04):
because sometimes it's projection.
Speaker 5 (10:06):
And it's not ours to take on, but sometimes it
can be really useful to see, you know, what is
it the tops of people's heart and mind, so that
not only are we creating work or writing things or
building things that make us come alive, but they deeply
resonate with others too.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
Do you think there's a level at which you need
the safe space internally before you can have the fortitude
to enter into the brave space. Do you feel like
that progression exists for you?
Speaker 4 (10:38):
I don't think I thought about it so literally literally,
but and linearly. And I think in my own sharing journey,
there are probably moments where I didn't have as much
established safety within that would have been helpful for the
way that when I shared in brave Space, the feedback
(10:59):
or the criticism that I received I found really destabilizing.
Speaker 3 (11:03):
Yes, and so.
Speaker 4 (11:04):
So I think there were moments where I learned like, ooh, okay,
that doesn't feel good, but also like, that's why am
I so affected by this? So I think having that,
like you know, and this is why I love the
practice of journaling so much, because that journal journaling for
me is that safe space, It is that connection with myself,
It is that place to really work out freely on
(11:25):
the page what is present and alive in me. And
then it's through that process of kind of uncovering, unlocking
expressing that usually I find out, ooh, there's a thread
of something there that's there's something that I want to
create with that. But it's only in that safe space
with myself that I find kind of the inside or
the epiphany or the concept that I think is something
(11:48):
that feels right to share.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Talk about the Feelings Journal, because this was the thing
that made me reach out to you and say, we've
got to get you on the podcast to talk about this,
because I think this is so brilliant what you've created.
Speaker 4 (12:10):
It's so hard to talk about the things you create.
I'm like, so, do I describe it very briefly? No,
But it's a journal for cultivating emotional well being. You know.
I've spent the last fifteen years both in my own
emotional inquiry and research and working with a lot of
other people to understand both like how do they journal
or why do they journal? Or why do they not journal?
(12:32):
And how can I develop a guided journal that takes
the pressure off but also makes the process of exploring
your emotions and doing that in our work enjoyable and peaseful,
because what I kept hearing is, I want to explore
my innermost thoughts and feelings, but the blank page is
really daunting. Yeah, I'm afraid of what will come spilling out,
(12:54):
or I don't know what questions to ask myself, or
I don't even know what I'm feeling. And so it
was all all of those questions that kind of, you know,
lit me up and had me start thinking, Okay, well,
how could I design a tool that made it much
easier for people to like name and identify what they're feeling,
and then understand what that feeling is trying to say
(13:14):
why it's showing up, what it wants them to know,
and then actually give them the prompts and the tools
to be able to write with process and navigate that emotion.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
One of the things that I saw you say about
the journal that really stood out to me is this
idea of there not being such a thing as a
negative emotion or a bad emotion. Let's talk about that
for just a little bit.
Speaker 4 (13:37):
Yeah, that's probably the north star really of the journal
is that I think a lot of us, myself included,
grew up thinking that emotions are either good or bad,
and I should feel the good ones, and I should
push away and run away and shut down all of
the uncomfortable or negative ones. And I think the you know,
after a few panic attacks and you know, hard moments
(14:00):
in my twenties, I was like, my feelings are not
the enemy. Clearly they're trying to get my attention. And
then you know, different psychotherapy research and work, but ultimately
came to the realization that actually emotions are messengers and
they have wisdom for us when we can get still
enough to listen. And so anger isn't bad, anxiety isn't bad,
(14:24):
fear isn't bad. Actually, the thing that can be unhelpful
or that can create suffering is our relationship to those emotions,
not the emotion itself. So when we think, oh, no,
anxiety is bad, I need to make it go away,
then that's when we numb or have behaviors that don't
support us and just saying, hey, anxiety, I see you,
(14:44):
thank you for being here. What are you trying to
tell me? What is it you want me to know?
My goal with this journal is that really helps people
shift the relationship to their emotions, to see them all
as you know, useful messengers who are trying to help
us really identify our needs and move toward wholeness.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
And by the way, when you want your anxiety to
go away and you do a thing that seems to
make it go away, it doesn't really go away exactly.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
It's a like a blow up ball where you like.
Speaker 4 (15:13):
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, the water, oh yeah yeah, and.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
Hold under the water, and the minute that you let
it go, that thing's going to shoot up so high.
So the only option really is to see it, to
welcome it, to process it. And I think you're right
that a lot of people don't even know where to
begin with something like that.
Speaker 4 (15:31):
So the way I index the journal, it's so much
easier to show than tell. But it's indexed by I
feel or I want to feel, And so you can, like,
let's say a conversation makes you feel angry, you can
see the anger page flip to. Every emotion has its
own unique page, and so anger will have a message
like is there an emotion that you feel that you
(15:52):
want me to I could do angry, I could do afraid,
I could do anxious, a shames or out?
Speaker 2 (15:57):
Is there too anxious? Because that one is just ever
present in my life.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (16:03):
So the message from anxiety is anxiety is a persistent
alley who will do whatever it takes to get your attention.
While anxiety's presence may feel alarming, it's inviting you to
slow down and find the courage to listen. Now is
not the time to ignore or deny how you feel.
Turn toward anxiety with curiosity and respect. Healing awaits. So
(16:24):
every emotion has a message like that to help you
be like, Okay, why is this appearing? What might this
be wanting me to know? And then they're actually prompt
specific to that emotion that helps you begin to unpack
it and explore it more.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
How amazing, What an incredible tool.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
I feel like because of what I've taught in my
book The Power of Writing It Down, I talk about
the data that really is behind this idea that writing
is a powerful tool to cultivate change and to bring
healing into your life. And there's a massive body of
data that shows this, and it always shocks me that
people haven't like taken this and run with it, that
more people haven't done that. And I've had several different
(17:03):
clients and publishers and whatever ask me if I've wanted
to create a guided journal, And it's not that I
haven't wanted to create one, it's that I haven't had
the insight for how exactly to arrange it or organize
it where it would genuinely be helpful for someone. Because
for me, when I journal, it's a very intuitive process.
So I don't even know how I do it. I mean,
maybe I could slow down enough to figure out how
(17:25):
I do it, but I haven't done that. So when
I saw that you had created this journal, I was like,
this is brilliant. This is going to help so many people.
I ordered my two copies already. It just came out
today as we're talking, and I can't wait to have
it in my hands, and I know other people are
really going to love it too.
Speaker 4 (17:40):
Thank you. Yeah, I'm really out Of all the things
that I've created in my life, this is probably the tool,
not that I believe in most, but I think is
like has the power to like really transform because you
read a book and inspires you, it gives you permission.
It can like you know, be a powerful kick, which
is beautiful, but it's you know, this journal is it
helps you create that practice of deep listening, and I
(18:03):
launched it in COVID, actually the first edition of it,
and it sold out quite quickly. You know, COVID was
a time of a lot of emotions. I had teachers
buying them for anxious students and using government funding. I
had someone write to me and say that they realized
they were gay and they came out to their family
and then they told someone they had feelings for them,
but that person didn't feel the same way, but the
(18:25):
journal helped them process that. I had people say, you know,
I've always had this book in me, but I've had
so much fear and nervousness about writing a book, putting
it out there, figuring out what I have to say,
And the journal helped me to really like unlock what
my story is. It was just like I mean, honestly,
it like when I get stories. It brings me. It
brings me to tears because it's like and what I
(18:48):
love most about it is that it's guiding people to
be their own guys. Yes, you know, it's not a
book where it's like, here are the answers. It's here
the question so you can find your own answers. Which
are you know unique to you?
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Yes, which is so unbelievable because what people don't realize
is that all the wisdom of the universe is inside
of them, if only they had the courage to look inside.
And that's something that I've learned through the process of
putting my story down on paper. When I think I'm
most lost is actually when that wisdom is trying to
(19:24):
come to the surface, and the tool of writing has
helped me so much to do that. So I'm really
really thankful that you created this and that people will
have this journal and have you as a guide.
Speaker 4 (19:35):
Thank you, Thank you and them solid Booger guide.
Speaker 3 (19:37):
And yes and themselves.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
I just couldn't in structure. It made it easier.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
But you've been sharing journal prompts forever. I mean for
as long as I've been following, You've been sharing journal prompts,
and you just have a way of asking the right
question to get someone to look at a situation a
little bit differently. I think that's a real gift that
you have. So what a cool thing that now this
is inside of a product that people can purchase and
interact with.
Speaker 4 (20:00):
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
Can we talk about your creative process? What does it
look like? For you on a daily basis to both
run a business also be this creative person. I know
you're also working on a book right now, and you've
written a couple of other books. Let's start with the
writing piece first, like, what does the writing process look.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
Like for you?
Speaker 4 (20:18):
My creative process looks different depending on the season that
I'm in and I am finding as I'm launching this journal,
which is a business, and I decided not to publish
this with my publisher, I actually have designed it and
made it all my own. I have printed like I'm
it's my own small Good for you, Good for you,
thank you, thank you. But writing a business and writing
(20:39):
a book are not necessarily great friends, they are not
such different in mind. So you know, I am writing
creatively when I'm writing a book, and I am writing book,
and you know, I wake up and I write, And
most days I try not to be like it has
to be every day and this exactly time. But I
(21:01):
do find I have the most energy in the morning.
If I get my writing done, whether it's a paragraph
or fifteen hundred words, first thing in the day, I
feel amazing. Yeah, and everything else during that day as
a bonus.
Speaker 2 (21:16):
Isn't that crazy how it, like, is such a such
a confidence boost that you were like, I'm I'm bad ass,
Like I just wrote, you know, a thousand words of
my book and now like I'm just responding to emails whatever.
Speaker 4 (21:27):
That's fine exactly, And it doesn't need to be good
and it doesn't need to be great, which is you
know something that you know, as someone who wants to
write a great book, you know, wanting it to be
great definitely would get in the way of progress and
getting to that first draft. But yeah, that just having
the writing done first and not from a place I
had to. Julia Cameron talks about this and how discipline
(21:49):
is overrated. She talks about how play and like how
can you have a love affair with your art and
that sort of thing, and it's helped me to be like,
this isn't about rigidity. This is about the fact that
when I do this, it makes me feel good.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Yes, this is an evolution of my writing process too.
I'm like just so pumped to hear you say this,
because five years ago, pre COVID, my message to writers
would have been I wouldn't have used the word discipline,
but I would have said write every morning, put it
on your calendar. Treat this like any other appointment. You've
got to show up, You've got to get your butt
(22:23):
in the seat, which is an Anlamock quote. But I
have evolved, especially having kids, having two little kids, because
for me to have the standard for myself that I
have to write every morning means that nights when I'm
up in the middle of the night with my two
small children and I get three hours of sleep, and
I'm forcing myself to get out of bed at five
am to get my writing done before my kids get
(22:45):
up or maybe a child wakes up at five point fifteen.
And now I'm shaming myself because I'm not doing my
writing this morning instead of just going like it's all
just part of the process, like this is in many
ways also writing the book. Being with my kids, going
on a walk, taking good care of my body, eating breakfast,
taking a moment to breathe, meditating, all of it is
(23:07):
also part of writing the book.
Speaker 4 (23:09):
Absolutely yeah. And that's so important because I know in
past creative seasons I have pushed myself so hard there
is almost like not much of me left, and then
that is really that is not sustainable. And so I
love hearing how you know, the prioritization of yourself and
your energy and your well being and taking care of
(23:30):
yourself so that the writing can actually thrive and sustain itself.
Speaker 3 (23:43):
So you're working on a memoir right now.
Speaker 2 (23:45):
How was the experience of writing a memoir different from
the books you've written in the past.
Speaker 4 (23:51):
I've had to learn how to be a completely different writer,
and like going back to finding, you know, finding your voice.
And I feel like every book I've has had a
slightly different voice, and I've always had memoir aspects to
my writing. All of my my books have been, you know,
somewhat My first book, Choose Wonder over Worry, I would
always explain it was like part memoir, part manifesto, part map.
(24:13):
But with this book, I'm not giving the reader advice.
I'm telling a story, and so learning how to be
a great storyteller has been learning how to show versus tell.
Where it's like self help. It's like, Okay, I'm gonna
tell you a story and then I'm gonna wrap the
lesson in a bow and give it to you, you know,
and tell you exactly what you need to take away
(24:34):
from this essay. Yeah, this is a very different I
don't like to use necessarily masculine and feminine. But it's
like a more delicate writing process and how can I
vividly show here and how can I make this scene
also a character. I've just had learned to be an
entirely new writer, watching more movies, reading more books, see
(24:54):
how it's done well. It's always been a yearning of
mine to write memoir, so I feel like I've been
practicing with my other writing and yeah, it's been a
It's been a beautiful process of self discovery.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
I bet in addition to the actual like practice of
writing that part feeling different. Does writing a memoir feel
like it requires more from you emotionally than writing a
self help book?
Speaker 4 (25:21):
Did? Yeah? Definitely. I Mean my first book was because
it was quite personal. I felt that kind of I'd
say the writing process is pretty cathartic for me, Like
I'm discovering and meeting myself on the page and finding
out things that I don't necessarily didn't know going into
writing it, which is was expected and unexpected, you know,
(25:44):
like I think, I you know, I'm I'm so the memoir,
writing a story about something that happened to me. I'm
the expert on this. No, I'm constantly revealing myself to myself,
which is kind of like interesting and so, and that's
part of like what is such a It's it's healing,
you know, to use the tool of writing and the
(26:05):
written word to just tap into and access parts of
self that I'm not present or conscious of. And even
speaking back to process, you know, because it's sitting on
a computer and looking at a blank document can sometimes
be like, Okay, what am I going to do here?
I almost always start with pen and paper.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
Oh interesting, yeah, okay, so.
Speaker 4 (26:26):
I like get your butt in the chair. I'm like
open your journal in bed before you leave the bed,
or like grab a cup of tea or coffee and
like actually go in bed where it's cozy, and I'll
start writing. Because I find I access a different part
of myself using pen and paper than I do typing.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
It makes total sense. The data shows that this is
true too. Then there's a different part of your brain
that you access when you actually physically pick up a
pen with your hand and put pen to paper.
Speaker 3 (26:56):
And it also makes sense.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
It's like, you know, I always talk about how inside
of the writing process you're accessing a different part of
your brain, you're accessing your olymbic system, whereas we operate
most of our days out of our frontal cortex, which is,
by the way, why I think business ownership and book
writing don't play well together, because one is frontal cortex
and one is limbic system. And limbic system is like
(27:19):
your most creative artistic friend who never shows up for
anything on time, forgets to pay their bills. They're super brilliant,
but they're not super reliable. That's your limbic system. And
so to access your limbic system, I'll say to people,
this is why I think writing when you first wake
up works so well, because usually, aside from having children
in the house, but usually this is a time of
(27:41):
day where you don't have anything else scheduled, you don't
have anything else going on. You were already in your
limbic system while you were sleeping, and you can capitalize
on that. And even that idea of staying in bed,
I think that must have something to do with sort
of like continuing the dream like state and pulling that
into your creative life and being willing to think nonlinearly
(28:02):
for a while, being willing to let your brain kind
of wander and say whatever you know happens to pop
up to the surface, to not need it to be
chronological or to make sense. Yet all of that allows
you to access your deepest creativity and access more of
what you're trying to say, which later will be edited
(28:22):
with your frontal.
Speaker 3 (28:23):
Cortex before you share.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
But those two parts of our brain don't always play
super nice together, so it can feel a little bit
like a tug of war.
Speaker 4 (28:31):
Yeah, and the editor that when I'm typing is like, ooh,
you could write that differently, ooh did it you know,
which can be helpful. But when I'm like, oh okay, yeah, ooh,
but when I am writing pen to paper in a journal,
my editor is very quiet or much quieter.
Speaker 3 (28:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (28:46):
You know, it's just because the goal is just like,
this can be messy, you know what wants to come through?
Oh yeah, okay, that story, that moment, How do I
write that childhood scene? Let me write it as if
I'm eight years old and I'm there. It allows that
first draft to come, and once I have that, then
I take it to and then I get digital. Yeah,
and once I have a rough first draft, then I'll
(29:08):
type it up.
Speaker 3 (29:09):
I like that.
Speaker 4 (29:09):
That's been a huge difference maker for me.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
It makes me want to revive my pen and paper
practice because I just don't do much of it anymore.
It's so convenient because the phone is in my hand
that if I'm taking notes in my notes app, and
it's just convenient and it's I'm more likely to have
the phone on me than anything else. Before I had kids,
I would carry a notebook with me wherever I went,
(29:33):
and I think sometimes even having like colored pencils or
markers instead of a pen feels somehow less intimidating. But yeah,
I don't do that as much anymore, But I mean
it would be easy for me to do it. My
daughter's like begging to color all the time, so I
can just sit down with her and do it while
she colors.
Speaker 4 (29:50):
So exactly exactly. When I teach writing workshops, I have
everyone write with pen and paper. What I hear from
people is like, WHOA, I didn't know that was going
to come. I didn't know I was going to go there,
which is my favorite thing to hear. Hear I didn't
know I was going to go there with the exactly.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
Yeah, exactly. This is the beauty of the writing process.
Speaker 3 (30:09):
It's working exactly.
Speaker 2 (30:13):
I know your other books do have been very visual
because you're also a visual artist. It's one of the
things that I think is so amazing about you that
you have a way of creating these visuals that they
really accentuate what you're saying with the words. Are you
going to include any visuals in the memoir or will
it be more of a traditional trade book.
Speaker 4 (30:31):
That's a good question. I had to call with my
book coaches yesterday, who were you know? I have, like,
I don't know, seventy five percent of the book done
and the twenty five percent that I'm struggling to finish.
They're like, what if you drew it? Yeah, And and
my intuitive hunch is that it's going to be fully
written and not to me. Illustrating is how do I
(30:53):
take the essential truth of what I'm trying to say
here and make it visual so that people can immediately
digest it. So it's like, Okay, this scene that I'm
stuck on, like, Okay, if I drew it, I have
to then identify what the essential truth is, which then
might help me finish it. So I don't know. I
don't know yet if illustrating is going to be more
of a creative tool, or if it's going to be
(31:14):
something that ends up in the final book to be determined,
well we can't experiment.
Speaker 3 (31:20):
Okay, last sort of thread.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
I want to go down and share as much as
you feel free to share. But I'm very curious about
the decision to self publish your journal because I know
we have a lot of people listening who hope to
publish a book one day. And I've been beating on
the drums since I don't know, summer of twenty twenty
saying essentially, stop waiting for a publisher or stop waiting
(31:42):
for a publishing path to open in front of you,
in order to give yourself permission to write your book.
Just write the freaking thing. Because there are so many
different ways that you can publish books. And I have
a book coming out next year in May of twenty
twenty four that it's published with a hybrid publisher called
Forefront here in Nashville, which is a great opportun unity
for an author to still get distribution. That's the hybrid
(32:03):
piece of it, as you get distribution through a traditional publisher,
but you maintain all of the creative rights and you
maintain depending on the publisher like somewhere between fifty and
seventy percent of your royalties. So it's a it's just
a really great option for so many authors. And I'd
love to hear, like what made you decide to make
that decision? And I know you're one day into it,
(32:23):
so you don't really know how it's going. But the
process of publishing did it feel like that was attainable
to you without having the backing of a traditional publisher.
Speaker 4 (32:32):
I worked with a print partner, I had them, you know,
I this was more than a lot of hybrid or
some like if you self publish, you can very quickly
put it on. Yeah, this was a like I hired
a creative agency. We like, got a beautiful design. I
have a printer in China doing it. You know, they're
on the boat right now. So this is like a
(32:54):
big I would say, And I'm having to learn things
about fulfillment and sales tow and like I understand that
are that make it a business. So I would not
necessarily recommend this way of self publishing.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Yeah you're like you're like in real time learning how
to like learning supply chain and yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4 (33:17):
Yeah, setting up a fulfillment center, like you know doing
all of that, So I can't really speak to I've
never self published a book on Amazon. I know they'll
like make a business self published path and the traditional
publisher path. But I do know a lot like Adam
Smiley Poswowski. I don't know if you know him.
Speaker 3 (33:35):
I don't.
Speaker 4 (33:36):
He's a big advocate. He did his book, it was
called The Quarter Life Breakthrough. This was many years ago,
but he self published it on Amazon. You know, I
iRED someone to make a quick cover design, got it
out there and then sold like started using that to
get corporate gigs and has a now massive speaking career.
Then a traditional publisher picked it up. Once they picked
(33:58):
it up, then that led him to get more book deals.
So there's I totally agree with the idea of get
it out there, whether that's like it's a mediam essay
or you get it's like some version of the story,
get traction around it, both for sales, whether you publish
it yourself, go with a hybrid, or go with a traditional,
but absolutely get your message out there. And there are
many ways to do it today that are much easier
(34:20):
than before with you know, the gatekeepers to publish it.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
Yes, there are just infinite options available to every aspiring
author today, and the options keep on opening, like they
keep on multiplying, and so you don't even know if
you started writing your book today, there could be a
new option that you've never even thought, ever heard of,
that could be available in six months from now that's
not available right now, or that you just haven't heard
about yet. So my push is always to just get
(34:47):
people to trust themselves and trust that call that they
have to get a story down on paper.
Speaker 4 (34:52):
Absolutely, absolutely everyone. You know, people are like, oh, my
story hasn't already been told, And I'm like, not by you,
not by you. And that's also so other focused. When
I hear people say, oh, when my story has already
been told, I'm like that you're not even considering the
process of healing and revelation that's going to come for you,
of putting pen to paper, which is perhaps even more
(35:15):
important then whether or not it's been told. And I
think it's only through the process of putting pen to
paper that we realized, oh, wait, this is my story
that I get to tell.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
Yeah, it's one thousand percent more important. In my opinion.
It's like you could hit the New York Times list
and have a billboard in Times Square and all of
that stuff is great and an amazing accomplishment. And also
if the process of writing the book makes you feel
more confident, more at home in your own skin, like
you can stand on your own two feet, like you
know who you are and what your purpose is and
(35:47):
what you're here for and why you matter so much.
It's like which one are we calling more important?
Speaker 4 (35:53):
You know?
Speaker 2 (35:54):
So I just, yeah, I think there's no reason for
people to not do it.
Speaker 3 (35:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (35:59):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (36:00):
Where can people find the Feelings.
Speaker 4 (36:01):
Journal amberay dot com, my website and then also on Instagram.
I have an Instagram shop, so you can also buy
it directly in the app. But yeah, Amber dot com
slash feelings dash Journal. But if you just go to
the website, you'll see a link.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
If you buy two copies, you get to come to
a free workshop that you're teaching. Talk about the workshop
really quick.
Speaker 4 (36:20):
So I'm teaching a workshop in January, which is to
really in a sacred space, all of us together, journaling together,
which is always such a powerful experience to be with
other people who are like committed to doing it together.
I think it always creates beautiful community. But I'm going
to guide you through how to use the journal, as
well as some signature technique, some aha inducing prompts, and
(36:42):
really guide you to connect more deeply with yourself in
your inter emotional world.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
I love it. The journal itself is so beautiful. It's
so beautifully designed. I can't wait to get mine in
the mail. I can't wait to start using it. I
know this is going to be really massively helpful for
so many people. So thank you for making it. Thank
you for trust yourself and moving into that brave space
and making this for us. We're very, very grateful.
Speaker 4 (37:05):
Thank you, And please tell me I'd love to hear
about your experience, your epiphany.
Speaker 3 (37:09):
I will and I'll be at the workshop too. So
so great.
Speaker 1 (37:12):
Yay.
Speaker 2 (37:13):
I can't tell you how excited I am about this.
I saw it and I just was like, we need
to have her on the podcast. This needs to get
into people's hands. It's like, if I could have invented anything,
this is what I would have invented, and you've made
it so beautifully and I'm just really really excited. So
so thank you for taking the time to share with
us today. Thanks for being here, Thanks for sharing your
wisdom and your insight. And I can't wait to read
(37:33):
the memoir too.
Speaker 4 (37:34):
Thank you, thanks for having me
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