Let's Talk About Sex w/ Shan Boodram

Lets talk about sex, baby. When it comes to intimacy and sex, a lot of us weren’t exactly set up for success. On today’s episode the ladies of OOD talk to Shan Boodram, one of the most sought-after, certified sex educator, dating coach and relationship expert with over 40 million YouTube views alongside mainstream coverage with The New York Times, Forbes and Time Magazine. Are you down with sex?

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to You Down, a production of Shonda Land Audio
and partnership with I Heart Radio. My mom's first reaction
was like, boys are gonna be laughing and masturbating at you.
They're going to be reading your stuff. I'm like, what
porn did mym on? Want? Hi everyone, and Welcome back

(00:22):
to You Down, a podcast where four funny honeys come
together to talk about what's going on in the culture.
I'm MOMMYA A p Oh, I'm Jasmin Money Watkins, I'm
Ashley Holston, and I'm say But collectively we are known
as Obama's other Daughters, and today we are asking are

(00:43):
you down with sex? No, let's talk about sex, Ma,
let's talk about you and me. I mean we all
are out with sex right well, with the exception of
the a sexual community, we see all y'all are valid

(01:04):
to uh. Sex is the thing that most of us have,
But why is it such a taboo topic? Today? O
D is delving into all of the naughty bits and
taking a deep dive all puns intended into the murky
waters of sex and joining us today we're speaking the
sex educator and relationship expert Shan Boodram. But first let's

(01:28):
check in with each other. What's y'all loving? What you
hating this week? Alright? What I'm hating is that, y'all
remember that pool I was talking about loving so much
that I have access to a pool right outside of
my airbnb currently. What I'm hating about it is that
kids love pools, y'all and like to scream in them

(01:50):
and splashing them. What getting pool splashing? I don't even
mind the splash because I splash too. I want to
bet in a pool, Like, why are you screaming at
the top of your loans to the point where I
don't know if you're hurt. Meanwhile, there's nothing more joyful
than walking by the pool in our building and seeing
like the neighborhood kids, especially black kids, playing in the pool.

(02:12):
I'm just like, oh, come on, black joy yo. Better, Like,
as long as you can use your inside voice outside, right,
But ya, these kids should be in school a m.
To five pm. They are in that pool. You know.
The worst part is when I was a kid that
was me and it would be like, like screaming, no

(02:41):
reason to have that much energy, but they do. What
I think it's funny is that we were the screaming kids,
and now we're like the one who wants to go
spank somebody. I don't want to spank them. I just
want them to give me some adult time in the pool. Yes,
just an hour or two. The pool closes six you're
gonna be there all damn day. Guys. What I'm hating

(03:05):
is that, like, we've been in COVID for a minute now,
and I have a hairstyle that is you know, it's
been lasting, but as a lot of y'all know, I've
lost a few twists to the winds. They are missing
dreads in my head right now, just like a few weirds,
Like you could tell that they slipped off in water

(03:26):
or or they just disappear. So I've been trying to
cover them. When I put it up in a ponytail,
I'm trying to tuck the messed up pieces and I'm
at that point where I'm like, well, i could take
it out and then I'm starting all over and hire
do my hair again, and I don't want to do it.
Can you like put them back in? I just was struggling.
I'm not good with like crochet is a crochet style

(03:49):
of putting it in. I can braid and I can twist,
but I can't figure out. I did put one back
in and it came back out again. So I was like,
it's hard to secure him at that point where you're like,
your hair is raggedy, but you're still trying to hold
onto it, because I'm here too, because I try to
take a picture. The other day, I went to the

(04:09):
beach and I was like, let me get a pitch
of this beautiful water. And I was like, oh girl,
your hair looks raggedy. And I was trying to also,
it's like my hair is poking through some grades. Yeah,
it is tragic. The thing that I hate. It literally
boils my blood when I see people turning somewhere without
a turn signal. Like if you're both out of light

(04:31):
coming from opposite directions and they turn right but don't
have the blinker on, then you don't you know what
I mean, Like you're waiting for it's like to use
your fucking blinker. Dog. It's crazy because in l A,
I found that nobody uses a blinker Like coming from Virginia,
I was like, oh, they just don't use turn signals here. Um,

(04:52):
so it's it's crazy that that's your hometown, and that's
what you're I know. It's funny because it's not a
part of the rules here. You don't have to wait,
that's a real law. Don't don't have to turn signals,
not in l A check on that one. I just
didn't know that. That's the thing. Why they put them
on every car, why I would California. But you just
don't have to use them. You should or actually to

(05:13):
change lanes. Sorry, let me be specific, to change lanes.
You don't have to use a turn signal. That is
what I remember from taking that test because I got
it wrong and I was like, yes, you do, and
they were like, no, you don't have to. You should,
but you don't have to. For a place, so stuck
on therapy and communication now, using a turn signal is

(05:34):
not good communication California. It's the worst thing because you're
just sitting there waiting for them to cross or whatever,
and the whole time they could, they were turning the
other way and you could have gone through. Okay, mommy,
what are you loving because he hasn't he's a moment,
I'll add, I'm hating something. That's Yeah. I don't like

(05:56):
being undervalued. Guys don't like it. I don't know how
much of I can say about this situation, but basically, like,
if you're you know, getting a deal or something, and
then your representation knows exactly what somebody else who might
not be black got a similar deal with the exact

(06:18):
same qualifications, and the people are saying, Oh, this is outlandish,
this person is unexperienced, And thank God that I have
somebody who knows facts that there are people who are
have just as much experience as I do who are
getting a certain rate. So that has hit me. Um,

(06:39):
just with everything going on in the world, and like, hey,
black women, what we're worth and don't see who I
am and add my intersectionality and then decrease whatever because
of the that. Don't don't do it. Stop it, stop
and stop acting like you're trying to help people when
you make ship like that happen. Okay, I'm done. My

(07:02):
blood is still hot. MOMMYA I feel you, girl. The
blatant disrespect for black women, particularly the way we get paid.
It's like, how why it's annoint just to have to
fight for space that other people don't have to fight
for it? I guess that's really what it is. Well,

(07:22):
you know, something that always cools me down. I know
you're hot right now, or actually it might make you hotter.
I don't know how you how you? But that's our
main top of today and I'm ready to get into it. Y'all. Yes, listeners,
stick around because we have a special guest coming and
you want to hear her advice on some sex. But
first we're gonna take a quick break. She come and

(07:44):
yo and Antique sign up. This is the time to leave. Aunties,
do not listen any further. Yes, any family members, this
is your queue to exit because we we go in

(08:06):
there joining us today. We're so so hype to be
inviting Shan Boudram. Yes, with a French accent. You put
on there too, Okay For those of you who don't know,
Shan is the internet's most sought after certified sex educator,
dating coach, and relationship expert, with over forty million YouTube views.

(08:29):
Alongside her mainstream coverage across all the major TV networks
the New York Times, Forbes, and Time Magazine, Boodram is
a best selling author and the host of a new
daily show on Quimby sex Oology with Shan Boodram. We
are so excited to have you here with us today
for our Steamy sex episode, Welcome Shan. Can I just

(08:58):
say how incredibly intimidating it is, because like if this
was a social gathering and there was this group of
stunning women standing in the corner, we are all hilarious,
enjoy that conversation. I would never a million years walk
up to you. So you can up at the table, girl, Well,
this is an example of why you gotta put yourself

(09:18):
out there because you never know what could happen. But
my first instinct would be like I can just leave
because you don't need me. But welcome. So our first
question when it comes to intimacy and sex, a lot
of us were not set up for success. We might
have gotten them easily sex ed class and middle school
that definitely missed the mark, or a vague birds and

(09:42):
bees talk from the parents. But you speak in a
way that educates our our generation. So why do you
think sex is such a taboo topic? One. I think
it's just about the virtue of societal enhancement. So oftentimes
when we talk about like back in the day, right
when like primary to sex or any type of masturbation

(10:02):
even was completely frowned upon it's just because if you
had sex and multiple partners, there wasn't the healthcare system
that we have today to facilitate and the s t
i sts it can come up if you're having sex
multiple partners. It wasn't the birth control options that we
had today, and so anything sexual was like viewed as
a gateway drug two choices that there really was no

(10:22):
scaffold in your support system for you should things not
go according to plan. So I think that a lot
of like that outdated fear based sex is sort of
based on a world that we don't live in today,
because now we have the luxury of being like, you
don't have to worry about getting pregnant because there's like
forty different birth control options. As much as we should
be concerned about sexual transmit infection and diseases, there are

(10:43):
incredible tools out there that anyone can buy on Amazon
or at their local seven eleven to ensure themselves and protection.
Aside of that, too, was just the purity myth, right,
there's just this fear that if you're sexual, you're no
longer pure, This fear that if you're sexual, that this
is going to overrun your life. I mean, just the
effort in general. I think here is a big part
of it, which is crazy because how think we all

(11:07):
got here when I was dropped off by a store. Okay,
one story person, that's statistically that that's about right. I
feel like my culture gun in, Like I've never talked
to my parents about sex or even a people or
a kiss or anything. And I'm like, you'll be fucking
I know you do. Where did we come from? The
point And that was a big thing for me is

(11:31):
when I first started in the space. I started in
like two thousand and four or so, and I would
get really embarrassed right when somebody asked what it is
that I did for a living, because you know, even
in my come from a Caribbean family, my mom's first
reaction was like, boys are going to be laughing and
masturbating at you. They're going to be reading your stuff.
I'm like, what point did my mom want masturbating at you? Yes?

(11:56):
I feel like that is a fear that a lot
of people have. You know, we talked about like a
lot of people have a foot fetish, and I was like,
I don't know, I might sell my my foot pictures.
I don't know, pay some rent and it's like, but
what are they gonna do with your pictures? Can we
see them? You want to see my feet right now?
I'm not that flexible. They're not the best, but everyone

(12:18):
and there's a foot out there. You can sell you
someone who who wants to see calasis in your corns,
I promise you. But that idea like what are the
men gonna do with it? Is so prevalent, just like
I don't care what they do with it? Right, It's
for me, right, And that's the thing about it, these
two and then in generate your sexuality is for you,
and of course you have to be mindful of how
it interacts with others. But if you dive into this

(12:40):
part of your life with knowledge and with scaffolding and
with help, you're likely to make better decisions versus the opposite.
A lot of people think the less you know, the
higher chances you have of like avoiding all the mistakes,
And that just doesn't work in any other field, and certainly,
of course scifically does not work in this field either.
I mean speak king of knowing and not knowing? What

(13:02):
should we know about our vaginas? I mean, you know,
if I'm back, I'm sure you've heard the word vulva
or like you only being replaced a lot for vagina,
because the term vagina translates from the Latin word which
means sheath, and sheath is a protective piece of letter
that your sword goes into. So when we say vagina

(13:24):
were like storage place for the penis, that's what we're
really translating it as. And the vagina really does just
speak to the actual like whole of the vaginal canal
itself for the vaginal opening. So the volva is like
all the parts on the outside, including where your pubic
hair grows, and the big lips and the little lips,
and the clitters and your barthlan glands, all the more
fun stuff. I think, although the clitters of course to

(13:46):
extends someone into the vagina, but I think it's important
just to know one um that it's like a beautiful
system to be looked at. Yes, there's this really cool
thing I'm not very much into, like Eastern medicine or
meditation or just that side of like sacred sexuality. But
one practice I really like a lot is something that's
called yoni puja, and it translates into like pussy worshiping

(14:12):
somebody just goes on a pedestal and people bring offerings.
They bring flower, they bring honey. They don't necessarily put
the honey on the vault because yeast infections and ship,
but they bring these offerings and just stare at the
beauty of it. So I think that's is that like
a party you have and invite people to know, how
do you like, how do you present that? Well? It

(14:32):
could be like I mean if if you're doing it
more of like a's a part of a cultural ceremony.
It might be something where people come, you know, and
they come to worship the yoni, or you could just
do it your own party, or maybe just invite your
your friends invite each other to each other's yoni puja.
That'd be really cool if that happened, and I will
show up. Wow, okay, bump a birthday party. We're all happy.

(14:58):
Would you go to each other? It's like you only
which if you're like, hey, come over, like yasmin is
just gonna be like naked on the top of the table.
You can bring gifts and offerings just opportune to look
and to show respect and to honor. Would I would
I would go? You can would honor my Joni Shakira.
After this conversation, I definitely go Before I'd probably be like,

(15:20):
I'll be like, wait what, Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not
gonna go to yasthma. I'm just gonna be real with y'all.
I just don't wanna y ask me. I love you
and we're close, but I'm not gonna put a candle.
I'm just not gonna do it. Um. But I respect

(15:41):
what you want to do, okay, and that's what's important.
I think. So hearing do you say that you're not
like into like Eastern medicine and like meditation and whatnot
makes me a little trepidationous to ask this next question.
But there's a lot of mystery around orgasms, right, And
something that I've heard is that if you manifest after

(16:03):
orgasm ing, that it's a higher chance that those things
will manifest. Have you heard of this? That sounds logical.
I mean, I'm a fan of like probability. So I
think the more that you think about anything, the more
that you probably put like process and strategy behind, the
more likely will to come true. And so maybe after
workasm you experience more clear head depending on what your

(16:24):
fractory period is to some people post orgasm get very sleepy,
some people get very tired, some people get very horny
and like when's the next round happening? And some people
might have like a moment of clarity, like kind of
like a post shrooms come down. So if you are
part of that people who experience that refractory period where
you do feel more clarity of mine, I would assume
that putting intention behind bigger goals would be smart to

(16:46):
do to that time. Okay, okay, okay. Follow up question,
how does one know? This is not a personal question,
I know, how does one know if they've had an orgasm? Like?
Are there levels? It? Can? Everyone answer that question and
then we can talk about the universal definition, but I
want to hear everyone's definition. I think there can be

(17:09):
a series of smaller orgasms, like with uh uh if
you're receiving you know, head and you like build into
it and then there's like a big one. But if
you use like a vibrator, I feel like it's just
kind of like that big old at least for me,
and it's like a knockout, like I'm out, I'm out, Yeah,
I mean I was, I can still you know, go again,

(17:34):
but I really don't. I've already come, so I don't
need to keep going. But if you're getting oral, you
could do multiple multiple it can be like oh foof,
you know, like and a little bit of ecstasy for
a longer period of time. But but then I can
still kind of go after the big one too. That's

(17:56):
how I feel. I feel like I can go after
every one of them. Uh, Like I've had people be
like I need a break, Like I just just feel
like a little brain. I'll get back at it, but
like you still want some. So I'm just like, I
know learning from TV, and I know that that's not right,
but it just seems like women have this ginormous explosion

(18:16):
of feeling and then sleep. That's not your experience though
that's not my experience. So am I am I having orgasms?
How do you really know? I don't know. I live
for the definitions of and I think for me it's
very much like there are levels to it. So like

(18:37):
orgasm ng from head is more of like a mellow
come if you will, whereas with a vibrator or like
a vibrator with penetration or with clteral stimulation as well,
it's like, oh, there it is, and my body will
like orgasm for a second, I damn, and we're like
trying to define it. I'm like, feel pleasure, immense pleasure

(19:00):
for the few seconds that it lasts, and then it's
like okay, bitch, like take this off, like calm down
for one second. Yeah, but then after that second, then
I can go again after that one seconds, right, and
then I could go again or even after like if
my partner dips. I feel like I live for that
moment where my partner gets into the shower and I'm

(19:22):
like all right, and then it's like, you know, ten
orgasms and then they come back and you're like I'm
still but that initial like I gotta remove it for
a second is when I'm like, okay, you didn't, you
didn't did you did the thing? And then now I
need a breath. And then when you ignore it and

(19:44):
keep going and then you come again. That's also I
don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm learning there is
no definition, is there? I mean, it's very fascinating. I
feel like, did you all bond on the fact that
you're multi orgasmic because it is not common. I mean,
more people with volvos are multi orgasm than people with penises,

(20:06):
but I'm a one and done person. One like my
second orgasm is always like why did you do that?
Like it's sort of like when you're already full, then
you go back for a second plate and you're like, like,
it wasn't it didn't take as good the thing it
as much, It wasn't as hot as it was. That's
just how it best describe it. It's just like maybe
tomorrow would be great, but the day of no, but

(20:26):
that's greedy. No, it's plentiful, just plentiful. Um, it's wonderful.
And that's the definition to your point. Actually is a
sudden release of sexual tension. And so that can be
different things different people. It could be tiny little oofs,
it could be like it could be you know, even
like oh I don't feel horny anymore. And so people

(20:50):
experience that release sexual tension and a variety of different ways.
People have tried to describe it as like multiple contractions
of like the pelvic floor muscles that you can't imitate
on your own, or like a wave of euphoria followed
up by don't touch me period. But there are people
who can go right into the next. There are people
who don't necessarily feel that mountaintop. They just feel a
little hill, and it's continuous rolling hills. And so the

(21:12):
most accurate definition is when you feel like there's been
a release of sexual tension. Okay, I like it. Okay,
So we all agree that saying yes to sex is
saying yes to a test. Yes, American Sexual Health Association
shout out yes. Shout out to them, Um, can you

(21:35):
give us any language to better navigate asking someone to
get tested before having sex and any other tips for
engaging in safe sex? And like now with COVID, that's
also a new thing to be Like, so what's your deal?
Do you leave your mask on right and never find
the way? You say? It's kind of hot right, like
she leave her masks on, you know, And I think
that's the point. You know, a lot of people try

(21:56):
to like silo off different parts of intimacy from each other,
like relationships from X or safe sex from great sex,
and they're all actually really connected as a part of
the same networks of skills, and there's like tweaks to
each one. But when you think about like what makes
sex great, right, Like what is amazing sex? And it
is inviting, it is consensual, it's hot, it's explorative, it gives,

(22:19):
it takes, it ebbs, it flows. It's not perfect, but
at the same time, it's about the connection. There's honesty
in it, like talking about sex should have all those
same qualities. We shouldn't be like, okay, you know sex
is about like oh, like come on my face and
like squish my tips together and like put some ship
between it. And then we talk about save sex and
we're like, here is this form, please fill this out,

(22:41):
and the past sexual history like it doesn't flow the same.
And so if we want to have sort of this continuous,
positive sexual experience, we just take the same attributes that
we know work in one area and apply it to another.
And so the conversation around save sex doesn't have to
be different from like what do you like? What do
you want me to do to you? What turn do
you want? And in those cases, even then it's always

(23:03):
easier to give to get. So if I wanted my
partner to do more of a certain sexual activity, I
would start by asking, like, what do you like more
when I do this or I do that? Do you
prefer oral? Do you prefer manual? When I start asking
questions and someone's knee jerk reaction unless they're narcissist. In
such a case, stop sucking him. But it's a reaction
to ask questions back. And then now we're going to dialogue.

(23:24):
And so the conversation on sexual health can be like
I feel so sexy, I feel so horny um when
I know that my health is taken care of, Like
that's just one of those things for me, Like my
pH is in check, and you know I've gotten like
esteem or whatever it is. It makes you feel incredible.
I've taken my probiotics that month, I got tested recently,
Like that's when I feel like my libido spikes the most.

(23:47):
What role does sexual health play for you? And just wait?
And so I think that when you give a little
bit of yourself and you explain why it's important to you,
and you do it in an inviting way, it allows
the other person to open up and do saying if
their response is like, oh, I don't actually think about
those things or I haven't done that, and you're like, oh,
you know, sex is better when you know what your

(24:08):
status is. You feel more free in the moment. There's
less guilt after sex. Trust me. You know, I definitely
have been there before and not tested for a while,
and the thought of it is often more scary than
the actual result. And the result is better sex, and
I think we all want better sex. I just think
it's the positioning of the dialogue. You can even wrap
it up in the like what's your sexual fantasy conversation?

(24:28):
I just say, like, just don't make it its own
separate like thing, like if you're gonna text me and
be like we should talk later no matter what comes next,
I'm gonna be like coming with my lawyers that conversation.
Yes it's a little different, but what's the best way
to introduce vibrators into like a partner play? Oh? Can

(24:51):
we have anybody who's an example of that? Because everybody
here brought up vibraries a couple of times, So as
vibray is giving you that different like big bang orgasm,
which I think would be some partnered sex, so like,
anybody have an example of how they've done it. I
was initially very afraid to do it because I thought
that it meant that he hadn't satisfied me enough, like
it was like a shot to his manhood almost, But

(25:14):
I ended up being like and look, I gotta I
gotta handle this. So I just pulled it out and
all honesty, like, where wheren't you pull it from? Was
it a drawer back pocket? Like you went in the
back seat at the truck out of my way? No,
it was on it was on the nightstand by the bed,

(25:34):
and I like just grabbed it and I kind of
just looked at him, and he was like, oh, I
don't do what you gotta do. And I'm just lucky
to have someone who was very open and knows that
I sometimes don't have the language to say the things
that I need. But he's like, hey, if you wanna
come some more, you want to come, and you didn't come,
do you know, do what you gotta do. But I

(25:56):
don't feel like it is that easy for a lot
of people. I will say that the conversation came up
in my past relationship and he brought it up. But
then because he obviously felt some of his manhood was
bruised or his ego was bruised, maybe because I wasn't
like the previous partner from from a previous okay, the

(26:19):
same relationship, but this was he brought it up to
you to say, do you want this because I don't
really know what I could do more or less exactly.
And then I was like, um, considering it, and then
he got really really weird. So it was like he
was asking that to check and then was not comfortable
with it. So to what to your point actually that
it wasn't just easy peasy conversation, Well we're no longer together. Yeah,

(26:48):
people just don't really have a lot of scaffolding, education,
guidance tools that they're given in this area. And then
yet somehow we're shocked and people aren't great in the
bedroom or were shocked they don't know how to community
hate around their sexual needs, desires or health. It's like
you've never practiced this before. I don't expect to put
a golf club in my hand and see some magic happen.
I don't play that ship, you know. So that's where

(27:11):
I feel like we could have more empathy for each
other in that. Okay, everyone's starting points even a little
bit different, and you know, we talked even here how
different cultures like have a lot of barriers to even
starting that process of educating yourself. But there's people who
still haven't started this day. So I feel like if
we have a little bit more empathy for like the
fact that we're all coming from a pretty shitty base

(27:32):
and there's a couple of people who like, my mom
was incredible, my mom give me my first vibrator at
age fifteen. I'm like, great, that's not the average person.
I definitely feel like in having relationships with women prior,
like or just like, it's easier with men to be
like and also, here's this, you know what I mean, Like,
it wasn't as hard to introduce it because it was

(27:54):
something that yeah, a lot of women use toys as
a part of it, so um yeah, I feel like, uh,
try to decide it is over share, it's not. It's not. Um,
it's nice if you have a partner that you're like,
I don't know, I feel be cool with this. But

(28:16):
then they're like, no, I'm more than cool with this.
Do you want help, and like like chime in a
little bit like yeah, so, um that happened once where
I was like, oh, I'm happy I pulled it out
because uh, well now and I'm getting neck kisses, it

(28:36):
massages everywhere. While I handle what I handle, it becomes
a bit of a crapshoot of like I don't know
how you're gonna handle this. Let me pull it out
and see what the reaction is. Which, fortunately you've chosen
a partner who's opened them, who's done the work where
they look at it like this is an addition, not
a subtraction, to take away from what they bring to
the bedroom. But if you don't, I feel like again,

(28:59):
it's a lot of time in relationships or intimacy, we
focus so much on what the end result is. So
if we want our partners to get pegged, for example,
I would want to peg my partner like that becomes
like the focal point of like how do I get
them open to this king versus acknowledging the journey it
took you to get to to realize that you like
or even a foot fetish. Right. It's one thing to
like say to somebody you know on the night that

(29:21):
you first meet them, like can I suck your toes
or put my dick between your toes because it gets
me off that way. Another thing to start off gradually
with that person you know, compliments on their feet and
like paying for a pedicure for them, like little stuff
that drops hints and so by the time that person
says that comment to you, it's just not as jarring.
And the same thing when it comes to sex toys.
So I think a great entry point is to bring

(29:43):
lube into the bedroom. It's another object, it's external and
something that everybody can use. And now you're like, oh,
bringing things into the bedroom adds more for everybody. If
you've got a partner who's particularly sensitive about even their performance.
Sometimes even and this is like not planning, I'm just
literally telling this right now, but like this is like
a male masturbator. So give a partner with the penis, right,

(30:05):
and so you know the girl's trip, she blindfolded the
partner and then they did that like which that's actually
from like another sex educator. But that point is to
provide this whole other sensation to like revitalize the hand job, right,
or to vitalize real sex. And so you can bring
a toy in for your partner to and blindfold and

(30:26):
that might be helpful too, because they may not be
like open to the idea of like this when you're
doing you know, So it's a way to say this
is something that we're bringing into the bedroom to add
more and then hopefully again if they were giving partner
one they'll ask you or two when you bring something
else and it's like, oh, that makes sense. This is
now part of our routine. So you don't have to
go directly from like no toys at all to like,

(30:47):
here's my forty inch dildo that you never keep it. Um,
there's a couple of steps in between. It's nice to
hear you talk about like it being an addition, because
I think I also struggled with like do I get
something that looks like my partner, especially being in an
interracial relationship, and I don't. I don't necessarily like purple
dildos or like non human colored dildos. Um. So there

(31:11):
was just like is it too big? Is it too black?
Is it too light? You know? Um? And it's just
like it's it's an addition. It doesn't matter what it
looks like. I guess yeah, but I think, I mean
that could be an intimidation factor for somebody who's not
accustomed to it at all. I'm bringing in like a
flesh resembling or human body resembling body part can also

(31:32):
spark those fears immediately, and then also acknowledging if you
are having sex with people with penises, like, they get
so much messaging that like your life and your manliness
and your worthiness on this planet is dependent on your penis.
You kind of get hard, can it perform? Can it
like solve problems and put out fires? And so that's
the wrong messaging obviously, because majority of people that they're

(31:55):
having sex with your head or sexual aren't even orgasming
as we goult to your penis. So I think that
calverstation starting to ship for such a long time, they
were so much like stress on the penis to do everything,
and so for them bring in a toy that there's
resemblance or kind of competing could feel like a hit
to the ego. Whereas and if you can find toys
that are a bit more abstract um that don't look

(32:17):
quite the same, that feel like something totally different, one
of those have that can feel a lot more inviting
than the one that has, you know, slightly darker, substantially
growthier size of them. That makes so much sense because
imagine if a guy, unless you're into it, brought like
a white blow up doll into your bedroom, like, would

(32:37):
you guys, right, would that make you guys feel some
kind of way. I mean, if it was like a
Kim kardash you look alike, I would be like, what
you're saying, what you're trying to say? Yeah, I don't know.
When I was in an interracial relationship and picking out
a dildo, it was very stressful, just like I felt

(32:59):
like a sellout not to a black one. Then it
also felt like a sellout not to get oh white
one or would like to help, you know, to get
what my partner had strength. But then I don't like that,
so now I'm just hurting myself. I love the colors.
I don't mind the colors, but what about if it's
the color you want, but a different shape, like something

(33:19):
that's like more intricately shaped, kind of like an artistic
piece or something, and it could still be like the
color could be white or something, or like maybe just
solid black. M I a monochromatic one, yes, something very
chic that could also like spend doubles like a coffee
table piece. I think, yeah, you know, I'm really into

(33:44):
sex toys that and your point actually is, but what
you're into, But I'm into sex toys that like make
me feel elevated and chic. I can't stand the purple
veiny ones, or like the ones that look like like
there was that the Womanizer, which is the toy that
was all the rave. I believe the hype about the Womanizer.
I saw that not at all. What is this the

(34:05):
one that you're about to be like, I love this one. No,
I didn't mind it. It's okay for me. But they
came out with a knockoff that was like a penguin.
It was like a penguin mouth that you put on
the flint, and I was like, I don't like that
penguin had a bow tie as well too. Don't dress
up for no shame to the people who do like

(34:27):
the penguin with the bow tie, but thank you. But
I like toys that make me feel how I feel
as like a sexual woman. I feel like chic, I
feel mature, I feel freaky, but I also feel unpredictable.
And I also love the fact that my sexuality is
a choice of mind. So I can choose to be
very sexual with you, or I could choose to interact

(34:48):
you in a different way. So I like objects that
don't look like they're sexy, but when you find out
they are, you're like, oh, you're a freak. That's what
attracts me in toys. So I think that you have
strong feelings on this. I'm not sure, but you know,
monogamy is um most people's only idea of what a

(35:09):
relationship can be, and we know that there are other options,
and just can you describe some other relationship models and
what are your feelings on monogamy as the sole choice? Yes,
I think monogamy as the sole choice um is like
having the only choice as a vocation in life to

(35:29):
be like a butcher probably is not going to do
a lot of people and a lot of miserable butchers,
a lot of butchers who don't do great at the job.
And I want if you're gonna be cutting up by meat,
that you actually are dedicated to it and you like
it and you want it. So I think everybody should
celebrate choice because when there's more choice, there's less people
who are forcing themselves into scenarios that they know they
can't uphold, that they're not designed to excel in. Ye.

(35:51):
So I love the conversation around different forms of making
commitments because it allows people to say that one's me
and that one's me, and this lack of one size
fits on model hopefully leads to less lying, less betrayal,
less people on the down low because those manipulative lying
um wolf in sheep's clothing behaviors or what really caused

(36:14):
damage and intimate relationships. It's not so much but incompatibilities.
Because if I know that I'm a heterosexual woman and
you're a homosexual man, I don't get offended by that.
I know who you are and how who I am,
and how we don't align together. But if I believe
that I am monogamous and you tell me you're monogamous
but you're actually polyamorous, that's when we get into problems
in the relationship because ultimately you can't uphold that. Okay,

(36:37):
So could you explain a little bit about the difference
between an open relationship and a polyamorous relationship. Yes, so
I'll give you like a variety of different titles. You
have traditional monogamy, which is one person for life, and
that model would probably go along people who are religious
subscribing and so back in the day, even our grandparents
day was like no matter how much of an asshole

(36:59):
either one as it was like we're sticking together. Um,
so that's traditional monogamy. Modern monogamy is one person at
a time, and that's probably more the prevalent way of
connecting now people Divorce obviously is permissible, and serial monogamy
is fine, so you're never judged if you had forty
different partners, as long as you had forty partners and

(37:20):
they were each one at a time, and then you've
got right. But it's I mean, it's I love it,
I love it. It's just crazy like that distinction, like, oh,
only if you it was one at a time, we
don't care. But a share number doesn't matter, right, And
then you've got monogamysh which are people who they're buying
large like in a monogamous relationship, but there's more fluidity

(37:41):
around flirting, more fluidity maybe around even like apart one
and part of going to a strip club or you know,
having weekends apart or maybe they even engage in threesomes
a little bit, or they engage or flirt with other people,
so there's still some sense of ability to connect with
other people in a sexual way that never cross is
like an emotional or physical barrier. An open relationship would

(38:03):
be one where there's still a primary relationship, but now
we both have permission to cross the emotional and physical
barrier with individual people, and that's probably more of an
intentional way of engaging, and you might have like serial
partners that you engage with in addition to your primary partnership.
Polyamory is the idea that there is what Polly literally

(38:26):
means many and then amory means love, so it's like
many loves so we could all be in a relationship together.
There is hierarchical polyamory where there is a primary relationship,
but a lot of polyamory is egalitarian where it's like
I'm not more important than Ashley, like care like where
our chaction is no more important than mine and Ashley,
that we're all just loving together and we're not placing

(38:48):
any like you know, importance on either one because we
acknowledge that, like love is an abundance. So I also
think that like serial non committed is a style that
should be acknowledged, and serial non committed essentially means you're
not looking to create like a formal partnership in terms
of anogamy, but you might have like one funk buddy
for a long period of time, or you might like

(39:09):
engage in like the BFC, which is the boyfriend experience
the girlfriend experience, but never asked for the title, So
I guess again, like, there's we can come up with
twenty more different labels in this conversation. But there's a
lot of different ways that people can structure their intimate connections.
I think finding the word that fits you, that's where
the freedom comes. What has that experience been like for

(39:30):
you and your personal life, Like have there been changes
in your title? Like what does that look like for you?
Especially you recently got married, which congratulation, thank you pregnant
person I've ever respect. She had almost done said, it's
been the longest year, ever, long year for everybody. But

(39:51):
I'm like, this baby is making my life go by
and like snail years, Um, I can't wait SIT's over.
But that to be said, my relationship with my husband
really has like and speaking to that, like commitment structures.
We've changed titles a bunch of times. So we started
off as buck Buddies because it wasn't my friend. I
didn't really know him, which is essentially somebody I come

(40:12):
out of a relationship. He was coming out of something
and so I'm like, I just want somebody I can
try all this cool shift on that I've been learning.
That's all my focus is. I knew I had some
emotional healing to do. I also had some immigration problems
at the time, so I'm like, I'm not looking for
a partner. I just want someone that I can experience
pleasure and joy with. Then we did that for a
while and we became friends, and then we're like, okay,

(40:32):
we're friends of benefits. So when you have a party,
I might come over. I might invite you to go
hiking with my friends. Like there's actually more of a
communal commitment here, but there's still the focus intimately just
on the sex. And we did that for a while
in an essence, like our friendship got so strong that
we ended up moving in together for three weeks like
a short term stint, and then we really just enjoyed

(40:54):
but experienced so much, like I love living with you,
like I enjoyed my time with you. And then we
started to you is the L word with each other.
At that point we're like, Okay, what do we call this?
Because what I love about our connection in addition to
the fact that I get along with you and we
have great sex, and my friends enjoy you is that
I can still be to me that I want to be,
which was like the home l a newly single meeting

(41:17):
people flirting, like you know, I talked about sex relationships
for a living In my previous relationship, if I wanted
to talk and I like tied somebody up on stage,
it was a problem. And I never felt that from him,
and so I was like, I just want to continue
what we're doing, but I also want to honor that
we're more than friends of benefits. And that's when we
started to use the open relationship title, and we loved

(41:39):
that for a long time, but we switched a free
relationship now, and free just in essence means that like
ask me tomorrow, you know, you just sort of the
structure can change because we've definitely been monogamous for probably
two years now, but you know, my partner has the
right to come to me and vice versa if we
did feel like, hey, want to change the structure again.

(42:02):
So I don't use open because language is important and
I don't want people who are in open relationships to
feel like, well, they're not sucking anybody else. That's a lot,
but who's like over there with a notepad, like Okay,
I'm keeping tabs, which is good. I mean, that's the
whole point of having more options is that there can

(42:24):
be more fluidity. And it does. People are like, oh,
it makes it more complicated. It's like, it could make
it more complicated, but it also encourages you to communicate
more and to ask more questions and not to be
on autopilot. And I didn't come on this planet just
to like be on autopilot. I want to examine the
life that I'm living. M hmm, what's everyone else's commitment style? Um,

(42:46):
I guess this is the first time I'm saying it's
sort of in a public way, though I've tried multiple
relationship styles, from monogamy to sort of open relationships or
sort of like what are we fluidity I occur Lee,
I'm in a polyamorous marriage where I date women as
well as being married to the love of my life.

(43:08):
And I don't know why I thought that would be
scarier to say, Oh, d y'all clearly already knew this. Yeah,
yes we did, but I think it's dope. Thanks. You'all
have definitely been there to help along the way. Of course,
I'm proud of you for being true to yourself, get
yours girl. I've tried um in open relationship, but I

(43:32):
also tried it as a means of ending a relationship
but not wanting to be out of the relationship yet
but wanting to date. It was like a delayed breakup strategy. Yes, absolutely,
but I also have learned a lot about myself and
that I don't think that that's what I necessarily want.
I think I was just trying to again break up
with someone. UM So I think I'm anogamy. I think

(43:55):
I'm monogamy, but I've I've become way more open to things,
like I definitely, like in theory, want to be with
one person ultimately. But sometimes I get scared, especially like
in our business, like what if I commit to this
guy and then like I meet like my real soulmate somewhere.
That is a thought that comes up a lot and

(44:16):
probably why I'm like, oh, let's not be serious. The
last couple of guys I talked to I very clearly
was like I do not want anything serious, which if
you asked me a year before that, I would be
like that's crazy. But then I'm like, oh, no, I
own this ship. It's my choice to do whatever I
want and get whatever I want, And I think when
I'm ready, I would like to be in a monogamous relationship.

(44:39):
I guess I would say, uh, mostly monogam miss, but
I'm open to monoga mish. I also feel like, just
based off of the industry we're in, that me kissing
my scene partner is not me being in love with
my scene partner, but creating a false intimacy is still
creating something. And to me, what's what are we comfortable with?

(45:02):
Like what is my partner comfortable with? If he's not
comfortable with like even that type of thing, well then
then we okay your partners, because that's like she's not
giving up act. I know I was with my same partner.
You guys to be okay with it, you know. I

(45:23):
like that you said managa mish because I would think
I feel like strip clubs and stuff like that are
like you're either comfortable with it or not. And the
fact that that plays into the relationship title is really
interesting to me because I know people in who would
say they're in a monoga miss relationship who go to
the strip club together or with their friends or whatever

(45:45):
and don't even like it's entertainment, Like nobody's thinking about
this is cheating. But then on the contrary, it's like
I know people who would like freak out if they
found out their partner was in a strip club. To
be honest with you, like, labels really aren't that important, right,
Like an apple at a grocery store doesn't need to
be called an apple to know what's the apple. Label
is for everybody else. It's for other people to understand

(46:07):
and digest you in a rapid second. And so you
don't have to like use a label to like structure
yourself and figure out your life. You figure out your
life and then you find a label that like best
describes that as quickly as possible to people who don't
know the complexities of who you are and what you share.
But I do think that the mistake of anogomy that
happens is that because monogomy is the prevalent way that

(46:28):
people connect, and it's a prevalately people want to connect,
and as a result of that, people fail to have
the additional conversations around it. Because you're like, oh, we
all know what monogamy is. They were like, well, to
your point, does that means strip clubs that mean no
strip club. Does that mean that I can use my
sexuality to try to further myself in a work environment,
you know, without making any kind of contact with somebody,

(46:49):
But are you comfortable with me playing that up or
flirting with my boss? Like those extra bits of conversations
I think need to be had regardless of what your
commitment style is. Is there any, um, any tips for
aftercare for sex? You know, I've always heard that you're
supposed to pee after sex. I don't even know if
there's truth to that. I think I learned it in
the school where a lot of things are no longer true.

(47:11):
Pluto's on a planet, dinosaurs have different names. Um, is
that a real thing? And are there any tips for
aftercare that you have? Yeah? Even after care? Masturbation is important,
which I actually recently only just heard about and talked about,
because things that are underneath your nails or like things
on your hands, as we talk about washing your hands
more twenty in general, sometimes we don't think about like

(47:32):
masturbating and washing hands before or washing afterwards as well too,
are peeing afterwards because the whole point of peeing is
to like utilize the acidic nous of your urine to
clean out any additional bacteria that could have been introduced
to the area, And so it's one of those things
where it's like it's free to do, so I can't
see why you wouldn't do it. I mean, peeing in
between sex or people with partners becomes really important, especially

(47:54):
if you are using the pullout method or you're not
using the barrier method to prevent pregnancy from happening. So
I look across the board, peeing after sex is a
good practice that people should try to get into UM,
but it's in general you're just kind of thinking of like, Okay,
what could have moved around, what could have been introduced,
and how do I remove that in a way that's

(48:15):
not going to cause any additional harm to my body?
I e. Like maybe we use some lube or like
maybe we were doing anal play in addition to doing
vaginal play, and like that's a very tricky mix if
you weren't using separate tools. And so cool now is
my time, like the sexy time is done to think
about those things and how I can clean myself up
and return the area back to normal. And that's normal

(48:38):
is really important thing as well too, because you know,
you weren't normally smelling like a pineapple. You weren't normally
smelling like the cottage, So using any like scented soaps
or douches, etcetera, like those probably aren't your best go to.
It's just like it's a self cleaning oven and system,
So like, how do I not suck it up? That
should be like your main concerns when it comes to

(48:59):
post care sex. Um, Okay, one more question for you
before we get into our fun listeners who wrote in
and have all kinds of questions for you. Okay, first
of all, like porn, right, how do you think that
impacts the way people see sex? Like does liking taboo
porn mean you want that in real life? Like if
you like gay sex as a straight woman, should like

(49:19):
you be concerned or is that normal? What are your
thoughts on that? Yeah, I mean we had a conversation.
If we did have a conversation around sexual fantasy or
some of the things that you've thought about while masturbating,
or things that you've dreamt about that have gotten you off,
they probably would not be things that you want to
happen to you in real life. It's just like a
representation loose representation of something that's turning you on, and

(49:39):
so porn can actually be that for a lot of
people where it's like I don't literally really want to
be pile drive, but the idea of being dominant and
being used as a sex toy as my partner really
is erotic to me. What is the practical way that
I can interact with that? So I think porn can
be helpful if you have the additional conversations with yourself
and then also if you put that caveat on your

(50:01):
brain of like, people are being paid for this, so
there's going to be extra performance. There's going to be
you know, additional thoughts on how to meet this look great,
or they stop to change camera angles, like squirting, they
drink like a gallon of water before a scene. That
way you can get that massive gush. But when you

(50:22):
watch they just I mean, because it's energy, you don't
it's entertainment. You know, if someone had like a squirt
that was just like a little trickle, you'd be like,
it's a positive line that they want to do that
while they're juggy, and so it's just you know, and
sometimes you know when you see somebody go so seamlessly
from like being vaginally penetrated to ainly penetrated it and

(50:44):
there's no like prep work. You're like, wow, if you've
ever tried that for yourself, you know, the asshole has
to open up for you, Like it's not the other
way around. Like a lot of butts are not just
like ready to receive any size, and so a lot
of porn starters walk around with the butt plug for
like hours before a scene to loosen up and relax
the muscles that when they do do that scene, they've
already put the prep work in. So I think it's important, Like,

(51:06):
if you don't watch porn with that caveat, it can
really be negative for you because it mismanages expectations. And
of course, to porn is based on people's fantasies and exaggerations,
and so if you're trying to imitate that in your
real life, that's where it gets tricky. Lewis, inspiration I
think is good. I think mimicking or emulating that's where
it gets tricky. Yes, uh Shan, We are so happy

(51:31):
that you spend this time with us and helped our
listeners learn more about sex. And you know, we got
just a few advice letters, just a few quick things
we want to ask you, UM, So stick around with us.
We're going to give some advice, but first we won't
take a little break. Welcome back, listeners. It's time for

(51:57):
us to give some advice but we're going to do
things a little differently today since we have a sex
and relationship expert here. UM, We're going to have Shan
give us her advice on a few short letters that
we've received. So first up, this listener asks, I want
to know your thoughts on how to better love a
black woman. I don't think I've ever asked a woman

(52:19):
how she should be loved, and I'm a bit ashamed
of that. Can you share your thoughts on how black
women want to be protected, love, respected, and fulfilled in
their interactions? And love life as a beautiful question as
a question that you should ask off the top for anybody,
but it's also important that people are prepared to answer

(52:39):
that question as well too. And a lot of times
when it comes to like how to love us, or
how to love or how to be loved, people have
never really thought about what that is for themselves, um,
or what their specific needs are. And so I think
asking is incredible because it forces someone to start thinking
about the answer to that question. But even if you're
not in a partnership, you should ask a question of yourself,
like what the specific things that make me feel loved?

(53:02):
What do I need in order to feel optimal in
this world? What kind of connections bring out the best
in me? And then the more specific can be in
the language, the better. I think that like the the
notion of like wanting to love black women is a
beautiful one, but also too is Sometimes it's the stereotyping
or the brushstroking, or the assumption that there is like
a one size fits all is sort of what got

(53:24):
people into the beginning problems of the tropes that negatively
impact black women. So we don't want our solution to
mirror what the problem is. So I feel like everybody
you have to ask that question too, and really look
at them as individuals and look at their needs and
ask and be curious and listen when you get a
response back, and don't judge the tone but instead really
focus on the content of it. So that would be

(53:46):
really important. I think everybody should have how to Love
Me list. I'm gonna challenge everybody on the podcast to
make two different lists. Okay, so you know when you
go to i Q, you buy furniture that you have
that like one little pant with this like three pages
that has pictures and stuff. It's really simple, and they
give you that booklet that no one reads. Um, I
feel like if you can create ten things you know,

(54:06):
like your ten like my love language, my sex language. Um,
you know when my my stress coping strategies are. When
I piste off to this on Sundays, this is what
I want to prioritize, whatever it is that you're like,
these are things that make me feel loved. And you
can reference your relationships that are platonic as well too
to inform that list. That's like your little cheat sheet.
And then you should have something longer that you've written

(54:28):
out for yourself that speaks about some of the pain
you've gone through in the past and lessons you've learned
the hard way and passed things from other relationships that
didn't work or did work for you. And I feel
like if everybody had that list, we'd be so much
more successful at looking after each other as individuals. I
can't I can't wait to right. I'm over here taking

(54:51):
notes like this isn't recorded. I'm like, oh wait, I
got the Okay, we gotta put pain lessons and the
things that h shan yourself popping. Okay, So our next
question reads, dear O D I have been with my
wife for six years, and I don't know how I
feel about her anymore. Throughout our dating years and marriage years,

(55:13):
my wife has cheated on me repeatedly. Our last situation,
her other man called my job to tell me about her.
I feel emotionally and mentally drained and don't know what
to do. Can you please help help us help reactions
to this because you have such a visceral reaction, so
we only were you think. I mean, I think he

(55:36):
has to they have to break up clearly disrespectful. If
if you haven't established that you're both okay with an
open relationship, it's cheating, is what you're calling it, So
y'all aren't. And then also on top of that, the
dude calling you at work, this is out of control.
That was my visceral reaction because that just seems like

(55:58):
it's taking a toll on you. Whoever this and that's
not okay. I do want to say, I don't know
if he's talked to his wife, so I want him
to communicate with her. But also it seems like a
not great situation. Yeah, it feels like the question isn't
like why are you staying? But it's like why is
your partner staying? If your partner is like repeatedly stepping

(56:18):
out of the contract the two of you have made,
if they are actively damaging the relationship and not prioritizing
your feelings, like what what joy are you getting out
of sticking around? Um? And the quote that like I
learned in like high school that always stuck with me
is like a psychology class who was They said the
person who cares the least controls the relationship. And so
sometimes when you hear those stories of the person who's

(56:40):
like being really manipulative, you're like, why the funk are
you staying this person along? Like it's very difficult Obviously,
it sounds like for you because even despite all of this,
you still don'tsarily know how to feel. So I would
probably come up with like more of a clear action plan.
I don't know about everybody else here, but I've definitely
been with a partner who was serial cheater, and uh,

(57:02):
you know, it's a serial boundary manipulator and a cereal
boundary crosser. And what helped me to really get out
of it was to create like a really clear plan
of exit, and so I just gave it one more chance.
One I was really clear about, like, here's what I
need from you. So my how to love me list,
like I don't want any more ambiguity or confusion. Here's

(57:24):
what our connection is, here's how to love me. Here's
what I'm asking for of you in return. I'm willing
to get this one more shot because I've made a
really strong commitment to you and I want to uphold that.
But we're back in the probation period with each other,
and if during that time there is any type of
breach of trust or there's no effort in their part
to go to therapy or like really work on the

(57:44):
problems that are like really plaguing your relationship, then that's
when you have to be like, Okay, I'm giving this
until this month, and if that doesn't happen, one, I'm
calling five people who are closest to me who can
be accountability partners to like I'm actively dissolving the really
sationship where I'm finding somewhere else to live. Like, it's
not just like this. Everything that can be left your interpretation,

(58:05):
because I'm assuming you probably tried to leave several times before.
But if you want to give it one more shot,
have that really clear conversation, set out your boundaries, talk
about it being a probation period. Let them know the
stakes are higher this time around. And then even when
loser draw, don't wait to see if it's going good
or bad. Create your action plan of exit today and
set a date for yourself and then communicate that to

(58:25):
people who can be accountability partners for you. Um, that
was what really helped me get out of a relationship.
And like that was the difference between the one time
I found they were cheated versus the seventeen other times
I found they cheated. Yeah, I think that helped last one.
Dear o D I'm twenty eight years old and I've
never masturbated. When I told my friends they seen shopped,

(58:48):
I've had sex before, but having sex with myself just
seems weird. Is it normal to be weirded out by masturbation?
Any advice on how to make it less weird? Oh?
I mean at first, I think you have to get
comfortable with yourself, because you won't ever be fully transparent
with your partners if you can't be transparent with yourself.
Whether that leads to masturbation or not, I think that's

(59:11):
where she should start. And as much as I love vibrators,
I'm also like you can start with your hands because
even just down to that, think about men touch their
dicks daily, women barely get like they hold them and
take pride and hold and then touch just yeah, like
I haven't looked at my bulba and my whole life.

(59:32):
They haven't touched it and felt it and fallen in
love with it. So I think she can start with that. Okay,
expert here, I feel like it's okay, So not like
to master be a gap, I mean it's it's to
everybody's point here. It's a wonderful way to know yourself,
to communicate to the people, to learn a language, um

(59:52):
and to be descriptive about what it is that you
like or uncover new things that you like. So it's
like a free university that you're always or in class
because you own your body. So there are so many
advantages to utilizing that as a way to express your
sexuality or enjoy your sexuality, Violet clip Side. Not everybody
likes pizza that everybody likes, but if somebody asks you,

(01:00:16):
you know, why don't you like pizza, you probably would
have a really specific, good answer. And what I think
about this question that feels like cause for pause is
that it's not like you're saying I don't like masturbation
because I have better orgasms with a partner, and I
live with somebody who's live sex with frequently, so I
don't ever feel a need to engage in my body

(01:00:37):
in that way or honestly, to goodness, like, so much
of my sexual desire is based on visual and intimate
connections and never feel like I can get that with
self partnering, no matter how much fantasy, no matter how
much porn I watch, like it just doesn't really do
it for me. So I think you probably have to
ask yourself a few more questions. Um, is it coming

(01:00:57):
from shame, Is it coming from personal taste? Is it
coming from you know, feeling ugly in your body? Or
is it just coming from like it's just not my ship? Um,
And that's a really valid answer to our listener. I
would definitely recommend as we learned today, do a yoni, pusia,
get you a mirror, celebrate your yoni. And uh, I

(01:01:18):
thought you were gonna recommend the penguin with the boat.
Now I think we all that that wasn't nothing. Go
on and rent that happy feet d v D. And
that's your point. That's your point again. We're so happy
that you joined us, and we thank you for all
the time that you shared and all the wisdom. Do

(01:01:39):
you have any final words of wisdom and then let
us know where our listeners can find you. I feel like,
you know, be the change we wish just see in
the world. Much dis is cliche and it's definitely not
my quote. Um. I think what's beautiful about that is
if you're listening to this and you're like, I want
to be more sexually adventurous, or I want to have
a partner who is comfortable with me having sex toys
in the bedroom more, I want to try a no monogue,

(01:02:01):
whatever it is that you want to try. It's like
being the leader in your own intimate life, being in
the driver's seat of it. I feel like people who
identify as women in particular are oftentimes very passive when
it comes to their intimate lives and they're waiting for
the right partner to pick them, or they're waiting for
their partner to bring up sex toys before they feel
comfortable saying I actually own one. So rather than waiting

(01:02:23):
to meet that great person, you should be going out
every day with the intention of meeting exceptional people to
see if any of them feel like I want to
get to know you more so being in the driver's seat,
I think of your intimate life is probably the most
enjoyable trip that you will ever take and one that
will more than likely get you where you want to go,
versus being passive and to find me. I just want

(01:02:44):
to say, I have a show on Quimby called Sexology
that's five days a week. I love it though, because
every day is a different topic. Like even when you
guys first brought up that question, I was like, I
wonder if they're part of the a sexual umbrella in
some capacity, Like maybe they are demisexual and it's only
through through like a romantic connection do they feel a
sexual desire and then amanicalnecture themselves so that like you

(01:03:06):
can watch an episode all about that and be like,
that's me, that's not me, that's my probably biggest and
proudest body of work right now. You're so so dope, dude.
Thank you. Oh, just a loving conversation. I feel like
I can really easily walk up to this group right now. Wonderful.

(01:03:27):
Thank you so much. And we learned so much on
this episode, y'all. I'm going to make my how to
Love Me list right away. Yes, what a great prompt. Yes.
And we got so much language around how to talk
about what our fantasies are and how to bring in
toys in the bedroom. It was a lesson, y'all. So

(01:03:47):
we appreciate y'all tuning in. Please remember listeners, share review
this podcast. It really helps us out to know what
y'all think. Yes, please, and also make sure to come
hang with us on the socials our instas at Obama's
Other Daughters, o D improv on Twitter, Facebook, Obama's Other Daughters.
You know where to find us, yeah, y'all do. And

(01:04:09):
if y'all need some advice, you know someone who needs
some advice, send us a letter at o D Podcast
at gmail dot com. We'll see you all next week.
Bye bye, guys. You Down is a production of Shawnda
Land Audio and partnership with I Heart Radio. For more

(01:04:31):
podcasts from Shawnda land Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app,
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