February 9, 2021 • 48 mins
On this episode of You Down? the girls chat all things self care. From is self care selfish, to their favorite practices, to who inspires them to protect their joy. Plus, one of our listeners needs help with a Karen.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to You Down, a production of Shonda Land Audio
and partnership with I Heart Radio. And then when I
realized that those acts of self care manifesting me living
the life that I want to live, I was like, Oh,
I'm gonna do all the stuff I want to do.
(00:22):
What's up everybody? And Welcome back to You Down a
podcast wherefore funny honeys come together and talk about what's
going on in the culture. I'm Ashley Holston, I'm Mommia,
and I'm Yasman Money Watkins. But collectively we are known
as Obama's other Daughters. Yeah, and today we're asking are
(00:49):
you down with self care? Yeah? Now, more than ever,
it's important to show ourselves love. It's a crucial part
of maintaining mental health. And we want to discuss how
and why we practice self love in our lives. But
first a group check in, ladies, What are you loving?
(01:10):
What are you hating? I hate all right, test despise who?
It made me hot watching Britain? Did have you guys
watched that show? Did you guys watch it? Did y'all
see the way they played my girl Marina? They did
Miranda dirty, the black girl that they like trapped up
(01:33):
in there as a slave because she was knocked up.
You'll remember that. Have you all seen it? No, I'm
trying to say something to this girl. You don't want
to be a bad Shanda like I Shonda. I loved Ashonda.
I really I binge the whole thing in a night.
(01:54):
I know you did my sleep schedule for you, girl.
I didn't write it, she just producing it. I know
we're all as many shows as Shawanda. Gut. We can't
watch them all, y'all. It's sitting down all the whole lot.
And let me be clear, I don't hate the show.
I just hate what they did to Miranda like that
Black Girl didn't I did? What did they? When? Did
(02:14):
you just look at your note I wrote? I wrote
a whole thing. I'm not going to see the guy. Yes,
we're gonna do a clubhouse after this. Um to talk
about Miranda from but I'm just kidding, But I agree.
I do feel like her storyline was a little dusto,
(02:35):
a little dusty because she was tragic but not black
room magic, black Girl tragic. It was better for black
women next season, Yes, um, but I did like, you
know the part that was a little a lot for me.
It was like her flowering and she was young and
the guy that she married like she know, like I
(02:58):
don't know, she went to court for the first time.
And don't know the age range on this, but the
girl who plays Elite looks fourteen in my mind, like
she looks very young. And then she gets married off
and they have been a lot of sex, and I
was like, but he had grown it me, this shall
be having sex with too much, too much much. But
it's a hot show there are I enjoyed it, but
(03:20):
it was a few moments where I was like, Okay,
when Miranda apologized to Penelope almost threw the TV. I
was like, no, no, girl, you don't owe them. Okay. Yeah,
I was so annoyed by her. We love you girl. Yeah.
There were a few moments in that The Whole Household,
that little one, that one, little hate mass lot, I thought,
(03:48):
I hate you. In relation to Hay doing stuff about
black women, I'm like kind of disturbed. I love Chloe
Bailey and her whole I've talked about Yeah, Chloe and
Haley on here before, but I think there are angels
from above. But you know, Chloe is like I have
(04:08):
my own Instagram now, doing what she wants on her page,
showing that asset. We've all she I'm wondering what I
look like. She gave it. She gave a tap the
busted challenge. Yeah, but that's still away. People are hating
she did that busted chall I say, oh, that's why
Disney didn't choose you. Girl. They are hating, and it's
(04:33):
mostly women hating, which is so sad. Of course, I mean,
she's a gorgeous girl who they want to be. Like,
he just wants some attention, you know. I feel like
people always want to hate on and like, yeah, just
a cute girl trying to live her life, right, Yeah,
and she's not even that girl. She's like the least that.
I mean, I don't know her personally, and like I
(04:54):
know she would never even if she was that girl.
I mean, she dancing everybody up on the internet and
then in the one she just turned around simply. It's
not her fault that your eyes fell out of your head.
The girl got it, bat, the girl got it. But
(05:14):
people really love policing black women and like what we
do with our bodies and and how we put them
on display and when, right, But I mean, you know
it's It's interesting how we, even as women, are so
influenced by the patriarchy. I mean, in controlling other women.
(05:36):
It's deep in all games. Brown said it, this is
a man's world. This is a man okay, what what's
everyone else loving her? Hating? Well? In the vein of
Chloe Bailey, I am loving that Grownish is back. I
love that it's back. It took forever, the pandemic took
(05:57):
it away from me. And what I realized is that
I'm my grandmother watching her stories. Like back when I
was a kid, my grandmother be like, don't don't be
out here, all out I'm watching my story. And as
cheesy as these shows are, like I see it. The
acting is poor, the scripts are not the best written,
they're not highbrow, but it's giving me what I want.
(06:20):
I'm just so glad back. But I think Grownish is
better than a lot of you know, the other's a
step up from like Secret Life of the American Tea
like that. That was also a story I watched, and
I knew it was like I feel like people love
like there's a part of us that, yes, we want
these complex Um, what's that movie from last year with
(06:42):
the Asian family with Parrisite. Like Parasite and White Tiger,
y'all need to watch White Tiger. I need to watch
White Tiger. I haven't. I love Parasite, but that's like
very cerebral and high whatever, and sometimes you just want
to watch and that you can predict what's gonna happen
(07:03):
and look at cute outfits and they change their hair
so much. Yeah, I will say I love the fashion
on Grownish. The fashion, the hair, um, this will just
be my love today. I'm agreeing with that, but I'm
also wanna throw in that I love the makeup on Euphoria.
(07:26):
I just watched Hunter Shafers Take. They have like two
different you know, episodes about one just about Zenda's character
and one about Hunter Shafer's character, and both of them
are so good. But I really liked Hunter Shafers and
it had like such an interesting po V. She helped
write it as well, which I think was so smart
(07:48):
because you can't tell that story without having authenticity. So
I highly recommend that I'd like that you started with makeup.
I know, y'all love all over the place. I only
want to go back to it because I've seen that
people are really doing big on glitter right now, because
that's what euphoria is all about. And uh, well it's
(08:09):
not all about but the makeup is very glitterally, very sparkly.
And y'all just watch your eyes while you out there,
because I know a girl who got glitter in her
eye as a child and she a big old black
mark in her eye, and I just watch out for
your gosh. This is a hard disturbing you. He y'all,
(08:30):
I think it's time for us to talk about what
we're here to talk about today. We're talking about self
care and just as black women in this time and
any time, we just carry so much weight, like the
weight of the world on our shoulders. That uh what
was it Atlas photo of the person with the woman
(08:51):
the world? I was tame and him what I feel?
You know, it's literally like people think we're superhuman. I mean,
people think we have a higher pain colorance. Literally that
(09:13):
is an old school textbooks that black women can tolerate
more pain and don't need as many drugs while giving birth.
I digress. But we save the world, we save our people,
but at what cost? And I love this quote from
Audrey Lord that is caring for myself is not self indulgence.
It is self preservation. And this is an act of
(09:35):
political warfare. Let's go, Audrey. I just feel like, what
does that mean in today's day and age? And we'll
get into it, but first a word from our sponsors.
(09:58):
All right, welcome back, and let's dive in. Are y'all
dawn with self care? Heck? Yeah, I don't know anyone
more down with self care than Yasmin. That's true. It's
taking me a long time to get to this place.
I feel like there I had so much hate for
myself for like, you know, when we're talking about self care,
(10:20):
that that necessity to also link that to like self
love or like that I'm able to care for myself
because I love myself. But it's been a hard thought
journey of not shaming myself for who I am, or
embracing who I am fully and being able to live
in the way that feels right to my spirit. And like,
(10:41):
I don't know, I was not always this way. I
don't think I even knew the word self care until
I was like, and like, the idea of self love
wasn't something. I mean, I need a word. I've heard
it before, you know, I read Cosmo. That's where I
learned to be a woman. Yeah, there was just a
(11:04):
disconnect growing up. I felt like, if you love yourself
too much, you were narcissistic or you weren't a good
Christian like my mom is. You know, you'll know how
she she's gonna home, So I do remember you know
Jesus first, your family, other people around you take care
of other people and then you. And for me, that
(11:26):
didn't foster a good relationship of self love and self care.
I eventually got there, I will say once I got
into like CrossFit, which is kind of crazy, but I
went to an all female cross fit gym and it
was all women and it was all about empowering our
bodies and our health and our mind. And it wasn't
even about like how l a can be so superficial
(11:48):
about how you look and being thin. It was just
about getting healthy and eating better because you like yourself
and you love yourself and you want to take care
of your body. I love that that's like something that
happens when you're in unity with other women, like that
distinction that we can lift each other up and like
care for ourselves in the process. I feel like it's
(12:10):
been maybe a couple of different moments that fostered a
different level of self care. But in college, after I
pledged a sorority, I just felt like I lost myself
in the process of trying to be a mover and
shaker on campus and like fit into this world. And
(12:31):
so I've talked a lot about, you know, the reality
of a situation once you enter that situation, as opposed
to what it feels like on the outside. So once
I got into the sorority and felt like this isn't
necessarily the sisterhood that I've been looking for, I had
to like pull myself back and work on loving myself
(12:53):
just as who I am as a person detached from
anything else. And at the time I thought I was
being self because I feel like the concept of self
care wasn't as widely talked about and revered as it
is now. And then also after that, moving to Hollywood
and just being in this business that is constantly telling
(13:13):
you know, and you're getting no from every angle, like
more knows than yes. Is you have to figure out
a way to love yourself otherwise you would implode. Like
I know, you took class at the same studio I
did Shakira. But there was a teacher who said, to
be an actor, you need to have a sense of
(13:34):
radical self love. And I was like, like, I was like,
oh no that being a Minnesota No, no, not me,
you know, like that has always been a part I'm
from two very docile culture is Gunnian culture and Minnesotan culture,
which are like not about me, always about other people.
And so for some reason, that teacher saying that really
(13:56):
stuck and made sense in my head of like, oh,
it's okay to be like, I'm the ship going into
this audition. I deserve what I'm going after, and you
have to be your own cheerleader, right, because yeah, otherwise
I know, shoot, if you wait for other people, you
might not ever get it, right. Yeah. The idea that
(14:19):
like you put other people first or what they care
about first, before you put your own feelings and take
your own feelings into account is like so real and like,
I think one of the first acts of self care
that I remember doing for myself was when I left
college my first year, Like I went straight to college
from high school and I went to Hampton University, lived
(14:42):
on campus, and I just realized that I didn't want
to do it like it wasn't for me. I didn't
I didn't know what I wanted to do. I just
knew like that was the next step. And then my
parents would be really upset if I didn't do it.
But I just had to sit with myself and say,
this doesn't feel right right now, and I left. Was
(15:04):
one of the best decisions I've ever made, because I
became a waitress and I got experienced in the world
and I realized, you know, the things that I do
want and then was able to go to college later.
And then when I realized that those acts of self
care manifest in me living the life that I want
to live, I was like, oh, I'm gonna do all
the stuff I want to do. I think that's like
(15:26):
the finding the ship that you love and like not
denying yourself that like not denying your desire and being okay,
especially Ashley with the parent factor of like disappointing, being
okay to own that you you you still did stuff,
but it just wasn't in the time that other people
(15:47):
wanted you to do it, or you know, or accomplish
whatever you needed to for yourself. A big part of
my self care is not listening to outside voices, just
like really knowing what I want, what I need. Yeah,
And I feel like you do that really well. Actually
you're very intune with yourself and when you need a moment,
you take the moment and you get there. And that's
(16:07):
a really radical way to you know, show self living.
Like lord, I think so well, you know, kind of
speaking of who are the people that inspire your self care?
Like are there any people that have modeled it for
(16:29):
you that you're like, oh, I saw that. It was like, yeah,
I think you all know who The background on my
phone is, uh, yes, yes, the background on my phone
is a picture of Oprah Winfrey on the day that
I was born. And I watched her like many of
us growing up, you know, if you your mom was
(16:51):
watching it or somebody was watching it. And Obrah fostered
this at the time, it was radical idea of really
forming yourself mind, body, and soul and like popularizing that
for all kinds of women, but specifically women of color
and making that okay. And I keep her on my
(17:11):
phone to remind me, Like Oprah was looking kind of
crazy at that time. People did not like how she looked.
I don't believe that, but the industry did not want
somebody who looks like that to succeed, and she surpassed,
like astronomically, any vision that anybody could have had for
her career. I look at that picture every day to
(17:32):
remind myself that anything is possible, and how I practice
it in my life is like encouraging myself instead of
looking for it from the outside, that I can do
what I want to do as long as I actually
do the work and take the time to do what
I say I want. Yeah, Oprah is a good one
for me as well. I started listening to her podcast
(17:53):
Super Soul Sunday, and you know, I don't agree with
everything that she says, but she is so intentional about
making sure you know, you need to take time for
yourself and you can't. You know, what's the saying, you
can't feel anyone else's cup with New Years is empty.
And Jasmine gave me the opportunity to go and I
got to go to Oprah's live taking up her podcasts
(18:15):
and it was one of the best self care days
I've ever had. And then we looked stupid. We were
dancing in the aisles and be like, you feel self conscious,
but you're like I'm going to get this whole Opra experience.
Let me these weird dances in the aisle before the
world shut down before Yes, it was close to the
world shutting down too, um, But I think the biggest
(18:36):
inspiration for self care for me was seeing the women
in my life who didn't care for themselves. My mom
was so selfless and like putting her kids first and
being in a marriage longer than she wanted to be.
And I just saw that and was just like, I'm
so thankful for your strength, but I'm gonna be strong
in another way. And I just I want to live
(18:59):
my life the way I want to live it completely.
I just want to touch on what you said there
about the staying in a marriage longer than you needed
to and how the generations before us made those If
you want to call it a sacrifice, it was a
sacrifice because I'm sure she wanted you guys to grow
up in a two parent household for the reason she
(19:22):
was conditioned to believe are important. But that is so real.
I see that in some of the relationships in my
family too, that like, oh my god, I could never
put up with what you're putting up with. Any idea
that it's like someone else's idea of what your life
should look like. And I think that's at the crux
(19:44):
for me, and I think why, Like, when I think
about this question, obviously you'll know I'm obsessed with Audrey Lord.
I feel like all of her writing really speaks to
that core of yourself that like knows what it was
right for your spirit, not some other person in definition
of what you should be or how you should be
or how life should be lived. But it's like, what
(20:06):
do I really care about? What do I really want
to do? What are the things that feed me and
keep me alive. One of my favorite images of Audrey
Lord is like her on a boat in Lake Tegel
in Berlin, and she literally just looked so joyful. It
was a picture her partner took of her. I think,
just ah, that unabashed, like I'm claiming my joy and
(20:28):
like my love for myself no matter what. Yeah, I
can piggyback off of everything that's been said. I don't
know a ton about Audrey Lord outside of what I
feel like you talked about her. She means some essays, um,
(20:49):
But yes, I I feel like I'm very inspired by
the women in my life. On wanting to take care
of myself more based off of how they were able
to or weren't able to. My mom the same thing
in a marriage for for you know, reasons I can't explain.
And for me, I'm like, I love my life. I
(21:10):
love myself too much to subjected to that kind of
situation for that long. But I also love how my
grandmother she was probably the most they called her selfish
because if she would go on vacation and not take
my mom or take the kids, you know what I mean,
(21:33):
She's like, I'm getting out of here yet. So she
would do things that were considered uh selfish, but low key.
It was a level of self care that I respect.
You know, isn't that wild? That a hard working mother
and I'm sure she was spending a million plates at
a time and she wanted to get away, and that
(21:55):
is perceived a selfish that like one moment she's like,
this is for me. She would go on a cruise
and my mom was like, well, that's one thing about
my mom. She was selfish. She would go on cruises
and not take us and it's just like, I can't
take y'all occasionally, but nah, I need this. I feel
like when people use the term selfish, it's because they
(22:18):
want something that you're not going to give them, And like,
why would you go on vacation and take all your
stress with you and there's no sense, but your mom
wanted to go, so Grandma was being selfish. I'd literally remember,
maybe in like third or fourth grade, the first time
my mom ever went on a trip by herself. She
(22:38):
went to visit her high school friend in California, and
I felt like my heart had been ripped out of
my chest. And I apologized to her about that sense,
but I really was like, no, you can't. How could
you even think you have the right to do that?
And I did love your mom. This is the taboo
(22:58):
that's connected with herself love or self care. When we
talk about barriers to like getting to this place of
just accepting yourself and the things that you want, huh,
that people just want to take from you. They want
to take, and they take and they take and they will.
I've taught myself the other night writing this angry as poem.
(23:20):
There's so many poems that I like, literally we'll just
never share. But I was just like, do you want
the cup? Like take the cup and It's like, those
are the moments of like I need to take a
moment and just pour into myself because I'd be given
too much. Sometimes you had an incident with a cup
that's my self care because like you know that the
(23:45):
notion of like pouring into others cups, but you can't
pour into cups until your cup is like full. And
I was like, you know, I'm pouring and pouring and
y'all just keep on taking a whole last day dream
about David and you in an argument over a cup
and it was so intense that you had to write
a poem about it. Do you want the cup? David
(24:07):
take it? He begins poems, though I know he does.
So we all got a poem with two Honestly, I know,
I know. How do you not? Like as a black woman,
I feel like they're I mean, maybe not everyone, but
like there are moments where you're so overwhelmed by an
experience that you just had that and I know for
(24:27):
us as writers, like there's nothing else you can do
but write it down because it's so heavy and so like,
oh my god, I feel like I've almost trained myself
to immediately remember you can write this, Like when something
traumatic happens, I'm like, don't you sad girl? This is
comedy later all right, right, which is nice. And I
(24:50):
think that's another factor, like when you start dating and stuff.
I went into dating like I'm a good person, so
everybody else is going to be a good person too,
and then oh yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't work out
that way unfortunately. So having to realize just because your
(25:11):
intentions are good doesn't mean other people's intentions are good
or like that they are going to have the same
ideals that you have for what a relationship is. And
I think too, that's the thing about relationships is like
there are times where you both can be right in
the way that you understand and take care of yourself
in this world, and it's just not right for each
(25:32):
other in knowing those boundaries within yourself because you know
your yourself and you know like, hey, I can't I
can't knowing yourself if you try to ignore yourself and
be like let me just you know, spin all these
plates and try to keep going like you're gonna drop it.
You know you can't keep it up if you don't
stop to be like, what do I need in this moment?
(25:52):
So then you can communicate that to the people around
you too. I was dating someone and I didn't realize
how much baggage and weight I was carrying from that
person until we broke up, and I felt like I
lost five thousand pounds instantly, just because it was such
a heavy thing. And in trying to be selfless and
(26:15):
in trying to like be a supportive partner, I took
so much of that trauma on. And that is an
awakening moment also to be like, oh, like you said,
these are my boundaries and what I can give to
you without losing myself in this thing. Yeah. I think
that's an important part of self care, is knowing your
(26:38):
boundaries and not just like thinking about them in the moment,
but also just like concrete, what are my principles, what
are my morals? What are the things that I stand for,
So that it makes it easier in those moments to
be like, oh, you don't align with my goal, I
don't even need to take this on, right, And that
I love myself enough to commit my life, my actions,
(27:00):
my people around everything, Like I love myself enough to
advocate for myself. I know myself enough and like as
too ignoring right, Yeah, you get it, but it gets
pushed down what you were saying about religion, Kira even
just like the idea that I'm by and I was
just like, oh no, like I can't ever. I could.
(27:21):
I could never because I'm gonna burn in the lake
of fire or whatever. And it's like that's not mine,
that's not mine to carry that someone else's, you know. Yeah, yeah,
So when the weight of everyone else's expectations get too heavy,
what are y'all's favorite ways to like care for yourself?
What are you self? Kia tips. Hot yoga has been
(27:45):
a second religion in my life. I'm so glad that
I started doing it. It changed just everything I feel
like on the mat, I can leave like like literally
leaving that stuff in the room and sweating it out,
and I love it. I poo pooed hot yoga for
a while, but then I tried it and I was like,
(28:06):
this is transformative. You know. I did a big room yoga.
I was in Oakland for a hot second, and I
started doing big room yoga every other day and it
was amazing. I was in the hot room for an
hour and a half and big room is just like
like yoga is already like, can I make it through
(28:26):
the hour? Bick Room was like an hour and a
half of just being like stretching and dripping and sliding
because I was so soaked, but it was beautiful. Have
you watched the Netflix document Big Room? Don't even know.
I haven't seen it. I would watch. It's okay, it's
just interesting. You want to have information, Okay, Okay, I
(28:49):
don't know. I haven't seen it. The idea of moving
your body physically, Ashley, I really want to publicly thank
you and acknowledge you for telling me to buy a
pair of skates. I would go to the drink on occasion,
but skating has really become the only time in space
that I have to myself to be like or not
the only, but like it's something that I allow myself
(29:11):
to move and do a thing that like, it feels
like I'm flying. It checks so many boxes, all the boxes.
You could listen to music, could wear, all the cute
things you want, doesn't matter, you're just out. I agree.
I feel like when I'm having a day or a moment,
even if I'm not really skating, it's just good for
so many things. But like, if you're ever having a
(29:31):
bad day, go down to do Venice Beach and skate,
and first of all, everyone loves you because you're a
cute girling roller skates and they're like, Hi, what's up.
You're just like, it's just you're getting so much good
energy from people. And then also you're moving your body
in and flying in a winter. Outside of skating my
(29:51):
self care, um, like, one of my favorite things to
do is go shopping. I don't even have to buy anything. Guys.
We went to Thailand and I found a mall that
was on my agenda and it was the best mall
I've been to. Um. I spent I want to say,
six to eight hours trying on clothes, putting together outfits.
(30:13):
I came out with a pair of sunglasses. But like,
it is just so peaceful and I get to do
what I want that I know how different our self
care was that day. Like was going to the mall.
Mine was going to pend the island and the temples,
and mine was going to Peepe Island, another island, more
some more exploring, and then I just want to sit
(30:34):
on the beach. I just want to swim and then
go back to the shore and sit in the sun
and then go swim. Anytime I'm connected to the water
or like to the ocean, I'm like, I'm home, I'm reconnected,
I'm in my zen place. You were saying that when
you jumped off the back of that jet ski and
we're in open water, I know almost left me in
(30:57):
that water. Yes, I would never do that. That's not
a part of my self care. My top are traveling
in essential oils, and you essential oils. Sometimes I take care.
I don't have any bubble gum. I got this peppermint oil.
But it worked out it. It worked out it the
(31:19):
one time I was desperate enough to try it. Yes,
it did. And then you just breathe it in. Now
you don't breathwork meditation. You're getting it all in and one.
I feel like my essential oils are an investment. But like,
have you guys purchased like crazy stuff for self care
that wasn't quite helpful? I mean I've purchased things that
(31:39):
weren't helpful were they in the vein of self care?
I do love this idea that, like our conversation around
self care, wasn't necessarily rooted and a thing that you
could buy or like some bath bomb. So I'm kind
of obsessed with philosopher candles. So like I love taking
baths and there's this candle from a less but that
(32:01):
does give me joy. But it's like, that's not my joy.
It's an expensive at candle from a not black owned company.
That's not my joy. I go to the spa in
l A and now I just don't know if I'm
ever going to go again, Like it's so yeah, like
(32:22):
what how is that going to work forward? I wanted
to go to the Korean spot for my birthday March twelve,
and I was like, I don't. I don't think I'm
allowed to do that. I was so glad I didn't go. No,
I love KEI was about to let you all. I
was like, I'm not going, but I'll see y'all at
the dinner. But she never said anything. Y'all was like,
ain't about it in a hot room with a bunch
(32:44):
of women that air. Oh. I feel like the last
thing that I bought for self care, I mean it
turned out working fun was my vibrator. Yes important, and
she's good, She's she was a good Perton. There are
some things money can buy, Yeah, money can buy a orchas. No,
(33:09):
but the vibrators. It changes the game. Yeah, it's true.
It's a game changer. That is an investment, a rechargeable
one that's waterproof. I need that. I need to upgrade
my life. I'm still using a double a battery. Oh no,
And then it died. It does die, but when it
(33:30):
comes back, it comes back with When the battery died,
it gets all slow and I come back with that
new battery and it's quick, quick, hurt yourself looking for
that new joke every time. Oh man, Oh wait, can
I say one more thing? Yeah, I will say that
(33:52):
one part of my self care has been over the
last few years Black Girl Magic Are Live and show.
It has always been just a sense of so much
community and love and joy. And I could have a
horrible day, but walk into that room and it's just like, ah,
this is where love is. And it's like love that's
(34:14):
rooted in community, like and Kira talked about this kind
of at the top, but like that in lifting each
other up and creating space for ourselves to play and
explore and do the things that we love together and
in community with each other. Like self care is not selfish,
like when you bring your your full self the things
that make you come alive to whatever space you're in,
(34:37):
Like that that joy feeds your community and feeds the
people around you, and like it feels like a warm
cinnamon roal hug, Like Black Row Magic is truly one
of my favorite places. And like I see the reminders
in my calendar and now that we're all locked up,
and it's like and this you guys, like, but now
(34:57):
we have this space to share love and community. So
that was all to say that this is also been
a part of my self care very much. So a
part of my self care too, is like prayer and
meditation and I just like I said, I feel like
I oftentimes in l A feel a lot of different
(35:21):
forces and there are a lot of different energies all
over the place, just when you walk in the street,
and that is something that helps me ground myself in
who I am, Like who are you outside of what
you're trying to do in the career you're attempting to
navigate and everything. It just sort of helps me remember
(35:42):
like where I came from and who I am. M hmm.
I love that. H Affirmations and meditations are my sort
of thing. And every morning I give myself the first
ten minutes at the very least of my day to
like write down the first thing that come to mind,
the things that I want for the day, my dreams,
(36:03):
like my literal dreams. Um. But that moment to reflect
and to I connect outside of like what it is
you do. I resonate with that so deeply, Mammia, the
necessity of like tuning out everything else and like listening
to you and your higher spirit and God and whatever
that is. It's also so interesting to see the ways
that we all go about getting the same thing, Like
(36:26):
mommy is you know, going to religion and meditation to
get outside of like those outside voices. And yes, you're
doing your journaling. And that's definitely what my road tripping
has been. Like I go into the woods for months
at a time and disappeared, y'all. We're like in a tree. Yes,
(36:48):
I'm crying in front of a waterfall, right. I love that.
Um Yeah. And y'all know I love Abraham Higgs as well,
So she's one of my my go to is. I
listened to her uplifting ones that are it's a good
morning and everything's working out and it's a nice change
a pace. I think, Yeah, as you mentioned journaling, and
(37:09):
I kept a journal since seventh grade, and I didn't
even know that that was therapy for me, Like I
didn't know that I was releasing you guys know how
where I grew up and the circumstances, So I didn't
realize that that was actually my way to deal with
my issues. And it's still something I do to this
(37:31):
day because some people think writing things down is like
I don't want to remember that. Like I've had a
friend say they don't want to journal because they don't
want to remember what they were feeling. But I love
to see the progress of how you grow in your
thought and like when you're like is this going to happen,
it didn't and I'm fine, and something even better happened
that I couldn't even imagine would happen. Or like looking
(37:55):
back on those moments, like I remember making a decision
that I had once approached before, and they mean, like,
let me go back on my journal and see how
I felt it and if I feel the same way,
and if I know I need, you know the decision
I can make based on the past stop care. Clearly
(38:16):
we are all down with self care. Um, you know
what else I'm down with giving advice, Yes, but I
think we need to work from our sponsors really quick.
(38:39):
Welcome back, all right, y'all ready to give this advice.
I mean, we're gonna do our best. We're gonna trump.
So today's advice that are reads. My name is Jason,
Jason okay, real name? Okay, right, I'm like Jason said is.
(39:00):
I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, but my
parents are immigrants. My best friend is white and about
a year ago moved to NYC to work on her
master's degree, and I recently took a job with her mother.
Because of COVID, it's been impossible finding work. The job
seemed perfect, but if they always do at the beginning,
(39:21):
you're like, oh yay. A week later, Um, the job
seemed perfect. But I recently noticed with everything that's going
on with the racial pandemic. What's a racial pandemic? Jason?
He put things together? Actually, where you going about? I
see that her mother is borderline racist. Oh not full Karen,
(39:43):
but close enough. My question is how do I tell
my best friend that her mother is a racist without
hurting her feelings? Should I keep working for her? Wow?
I would first like to say her feelings. If she
is a racist, she should know that and be tactful
for sure, don't you know, lead with anger? But uh,
(40:09):
fuck her feelings, Jason, You I feel like you know
the answer to this man like you ask these questions.
Should I tell her, yes, she needs to go handle
that so that you don't have to be the recipient
of that racist rhetoric. And then also no, you should
not keep working for her. See, I can't tell a
man to give up gainful employment during a pandemic of race.
(40:32):
According to him, I think he should find another job
and then quit. That is the most practical way to
do it. But I feel like of the people I
grew up with parents are racist, and I can see
it right now in their radio silence with what's going
(40:53):
on in the world. Um so I kind of feel
I get what he means of not feeling completely comfortable
just to blow the whole thing up and call her out.
Which I'm not a white apologist, I'm not a you
know whatever, But I do get having friends who their
families are not in aligning with the times right now.
(41:18):
I don't know if that answered the question, but but
I feel you, Jason, one of the things that I've
read recently from MICHAELA. Cole Um, and her article is
just like a level of empathy. She tries to live
her life with that level. So it's like we gotta
call it out. But also like some people genuinely just
haven't had the opportunity to do better yet, and if
(41:40):
they're still showing off and not showing up, then puck that.
But if if they are trying and don't really haven't
fully figured it out, It's like, if you're just ignorant,
that's one thing. If you're choosing to be ignorant and
or being crappy, well then you can't be working for
this woman, and you gotta let you know the friend now.
I think the only way to find out though, the
(42:03):
difference between those two if they're being ignorant willfully or
if they don't know, is calling them out. You know,
you have to see how that reaction happens, and you
want to make sure you know. Anyone gets called out
and they're going to be defensive. You know, I've been
called out what's wrong and was still still was defensive,
and so it's gonna be tense for a moment, but
(42:25):
it's the only way to take the next step. I think,
do you guys feel like it's always necessary? Like is it?
Is it my passiveness to be like I'm out. I
don't feel like being your teacher or facilitating this conversation
with you versus hitting it head on. I suppose there's
(42:46):
no right or wrong answer. But again, y'all know I
love Audrey Lord. She says it's better to speak than
be silent and to ask. She's point about her mom
will never know that she's racist or doing things out
are harmful to people of color if she doesn't if
she doesn't know about it, But like, there has to
be a desire to do better, and if that's not there,
(43:10):
then it would be a waste of your time. And
there are other places that you can work, Jason, that
will value you as your full self and who you
are and what you do and what you bring to
the world in a way that like, and I'm finding
more and more now with everything, like you have to
vocalize what it is that you that you want, that
(43:31):
you need and the things that you feel and the
experiences you have. That's a really good point, yes, And
thinking back to the self care thing, like to say like, oh,
I'm just gonna avoid this situation because who cares your
voice matters? Or like, the way that you feel is valid,
whether it hurts somebody's feelings or not or makes them uncomfortable.
(43:51):
It also makes it harder to speak up the next
time if you don't, it just builds. I feel like
a good way to tell this Karen mother or this
mother that she's racist is like, let's petition Cosmo to
have like are you racist? Quiz in their magazine and
then and then people can fill it out and then
they will find out in a you know, setting that
(44:14):
is acceptable to them if their racist or not, or
like twenty three and me draw blood if were are
your ancestors slaveholders? And also answer these questions do you
think this is funny with a person in black face?
(44:35):
That's good. That's a good one, all right, Jason. So
all you gotta do is get Cosmo to um or
get twenty three and Me to change up the way
they do with stuff racism. You could just give her
a book how you feel. If she's somebody who you
she grew up watching you grow up and thinks you're
(44:58):
the good one or whatever. Your your opinion is valid
and this is your best friend, you know, like someone
who cares about you, someone who loves you, will hear
that you are being harmed an X amount of ways
and we'll stand up and say I got your back.
And they have to know their mom is a little
bit of a racist. But look, kie, people be knowing
(45:20):
how you don't know that you've heard you somebody say
something questionable or out of pocket. Um even you know,
my mom has said things and I'm like, Mom, that's
not racist, but like the way you're saying it, and
it's a little ignorant as well. Being home in Virginia,
I'm definitely mom slurs. Well, hey, look, here's the thing.
(45:43):
We're all not raised in homes with education that is diverse.
So we have to meet people where they are. Sometimes
sometimes well my parents, I'm meeting them where they are parents.
Your parents are worth the investment. Your best friend's mom
might well might be worth the investment. But like homeboy
(46:05):
on Facebook that you went to college with ten years ago,
trying to convince him energy, Yeah, don't all right, Jason,
Are you confused enough now to choose from pack your
(46:27):
ONWN adventure, baby, pack your ONN Adventure? Oh man? Anyway,
I hope y'all enjoy the conversation. Um, I know I did.
We hope that you share this and review the podcast
because it really helps us out and we want to
know what you think. Yes, and come kiki with us
(46:49):
on our social media at Obama's Other Daughters on Instagram
at O D Improv, on flit top, and on Facebook
where Obama's Other Daughters. And if you need some advice,
y'all know where to find us O O D Podcast
at Gmail. Send us an anonymous letter, you know, sleepless
in Seattle, hungry, Hey, my mama's cooking, whatever you want
(47:12):
to call yourself, Go forward and send us a letter.
We love to hear from you. All right, Well, we'll
see you all next week. Bye You Down is a
production of shawnda Land Audio and partnership with I heart Radio.
(47:33):
For more podcasts from Shawndland Audio, visit the I heart
Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your
favorite show
Welcome to You Down, a production of Shonda Land Audio
and partnership with I Heart Radio. And then when I
realized that those acts of self care manifesting me living
the life that I want to live, I was like, Oh,
I'm gonna do all the stuff I want to do.
(00:22):
What's up everybody? And Welcome back to You Down a
podcast wherefore funny honeys come together and talk about what's
going on in the culture. I'm Ashley Holston, I'm Mommia,
and I'm Yasman Money Watkins. But collectively we are known
as Obama's other Daughters. Yeah, and today we're asking are
(00:49):
you down with self care? Yeah? Now, more than ever,
it's important to show ourselves love. It's a crucial part
of maintaining mental health. And we want to discuss how
and why we practice self love in our lives. But
first a group check in, ladies, What are you loving?
(01:10):
What are you hating? I hate all right, test despise who?
It made me hot watching Britain? Did have you guys
watched that show? Did you guys watch it? Did y'all
see the way they played my girl Marina? They did
Miranda dirty, the black girl that they like trapped up
(01:33):
in there as a slave because she was knocked up.
You'll remember that. Have you all seen it? No, I'm
trying to say something to this girl. You don't want
to be a bad Shanda like I Shonda. I loved Ashonda.
I really I binge the whole thing in a night.
(01:54):
I know you did my sleep schedule for you, girl.
I didn't write it, she just producing it. I know
we're all as many shows as Shawanda. Gut. We can't
watch them all, y'all. It's sitting down all the whole lot.
And let me be clear, I don't hate the show.
I just hate what they did to Miranda like that
Black Girl didn't I did? What did they? When? Did
(02:14):
you just look at your note I wrote? I wrote
a whole thing. I'm not going to see the guy. Yes,
we're gonna do a clubhouse after this. Um to talk
about Miranda from but I'm just kidding, But I agree.
I do feel like her storyline was a little dusto,
(02:35):
a little dusty because she was tragic but not black
room magic, black Girl tragic. It was better for black
women next season, Yes, um, but I did like, you
know the part that was a little a lot for me.
It was like her flowering and she was young and
the guy that she married like she know, like I
(02:58):
don't know, she went to court for the first time.
And don't know the age range on this, but the
girl who plays Elite looks fourteen in my mind, like
she looks very young. And then she gets married off
and they have been a lot of sex, and I
was like, but he had grown it me, this shall
be having sex with too much, too much much. But
it's a hot show there are I enjoyed it, but
(03:20):
it was a few moments where I was like, Okay,
when Miranda apologized to Penelope almost threw the TV. I
was like, no, no, girl, you don't owe them. Okay. Yeah,
I was so annoyed by her. We love you girl. Yeah.
There were a few moments in that The Whole Household,
that little one, that one, little hate mass lot, I thought,
(03:48):
I hate you. In relation to Hay doing stuff about
black women, I'm like kind of disturbed. I love Chloe
Bailey and her whole I've talked about Yeah, Chloe and
Haley on here before, but I think there are angels
from above. But you know, Chloe is like I have
(04:08):
my own Instagram now, doing what she wants on her page,
showing that asset. We've all she I'm wondering what I
look like. She gave it. She gave a tap the
busted challenge. Yeah, but that's still away. People are hating
she did that busted chall I say, oh, that's why
Disney didn't choose you. Girl. They are hating, and it's
(04:33):
mostly women hating, which is so sad. Of course, I mean,
she's a gorgeous girl who they want to be. Like,
he just wants some attention, you know. I feel like
people always want to hate on and like, yeah, just
a cute girl trying to live her life, right, Yeah,
and she's not even that girl. She's like the least that.
I mean, I don't know her personally, and like I
(04:54):
know she would never even if she was that girl.
I mean, she dancing everybody up on the internet and
then in the one she just turned around simply. It's
not her fault that your eyes fell out of your head.
The girl got it, bat, the girl got it. But
(05:14):
people really love policing black women and like what we
do with our bodies and and how we put them
on display and when, right, But I mean, you know
it's It's interesting how we, even as women, are so
influenced by the patriarchy. I mean, in controlling other women.
(05:36):
It's deep in all games. Brown said it, this is
a man's world. This is a man okay, what what's
everyone else loving her? Hating? Well? In the vein of
Chloe Bailey, I am loving that Grownish is back. I
love that it's back. It took forever, the pandemic took
(05:57):
it away from me. And what I realized is that
I'm my grandmother watching her stories. Like back when I
was a kid, my grandmother be like, don't don't be
out here, all out I'm watching my story. And as
cheesy as these shows are, like I see it. The
acting is poor, the scripts are not the best written,
they're not highbrow, but it's giving me what I want.
(06:20):
I'm just so glad back. But I think Grownish is
better than a lot of you know, the other's a
step up from like Secret Life of the American Tea
like that. That was also a story I watched, and
I knew it was like I feel like people love
like there's a part of us that, yes, we want
these complex Um, what's that movie from last year with
(06:42):
the Asian family with Parrisite. Like Parasite and White Tiger,
y'all need to watch White Tiger. I need to watch
White Tiger. I haven't. I love Parasite, but that's like
very cerebral and high whatever, and sometimes you just want
to watch and that you can predict what's gonna happen
(07:03):
and look at cute outfits and they change their hair
so much. Yeah, I will say I love the fashion
on Grownish. The fashion, the hair, um, this will just
be my love today. I'm agreeing with that, but I'm
also wanna throw in that I love the makeup on Euphoria.
(07:26):
I just watched Hunter Shafers Take. They have like two
different you know, episodes about one just about Zenda's character
and one about Hunter Shafer's character, and both of them
are so good. But I really liked Hunter Shafers and
it had like such an interesting po V. She helped
write it as well, which I think was so smart
(07:48):
because you can't tell that story without having authenticity. So
I highly recommend that I'd like that you started with makeup.
I know, y'all love all over the place. I only
want to go back to it because I've seen that
people are really doing big on glitter right now, because
that's what euphoria is all about. And uh, well it's
(08:09):
not all about but the makeup is very glitterally, very sparkly.
And y'all just watch your eyes while you out there,
because I know a girl who got glitter in her
eye as a child and she a big old black
mark in her eye, and I just watch out for
your gosh. This is a hard disturbing you. He y'all,
(08:30):
I think it's time for us to talk about what
we're here to talk about today. We're talking about self
care and just as black women in this time and
any time, we just carry so much weight, like the
weight of the world on our shoulders. That uh what
was it Atlas photo of the person with the woman
(08:51):
the world? I was tame and him what I feel?
You know, it's literally like people think we're superhuman. I mean,
people think we have a higher pain colorance. Literally that
(09:13):
is an old school textbooks that black women can tolerate
more pain and don't need as many drugs while giving birth.
I digress. But we save the world, we save our people,
but at what cost? And I love this quote from
Audrey Lord that is caring for myself is not self indulgence.
It is self preservation. And this is an act of
(09:35):
political warfare. Let's go, Audrey. I just feel like, what
does that mean in today's day and age? And we'll
get into it, but first a word from our sponsors.
(09:58):
All right, welcome back, and let's dive in. Are y'all
dawn with self care? Heck? Yeah, I don't know anyone
more down with self care than Yasmin. That's true. It's
taking me a long time to get to this place.
I feel like there I had so much hate for
myself for like, you know, when we're talking about self care,
(10:20):
that that necessity to also link that to like self
love or like that I'm able to care for myself
because I love myself. But it's been a hard thought
journey of not shaming myself for who I am, or
embracing who I am fully and being able to live
in the way that feels right to my spirit. And like,
(10:41):
I don't know, I was not always this way. I
don't think I even knew the word self care until
I was like, and like, the idea of self love
wasn't something. I mean, I need a word. I've heard
it before, you know, I read Cosmo. That's where I
learned to be a woman. Yeah, there was just a
(11:04):
disconnect growing up. I felt like, if you love yourself
too much, you were narcissistic or you weren't a good
Christian like my mom is. You know, you'll know how
she she's gonna home, So I do remember you know
Jesus first, your family, other people around you take care
of other people and then you. And for me, that
(11:26):
didn't foster a good relationship of self love and self care.
I eventually got there, I will say once I got
into like CrossFit, which is kind of crazy, but I
went to an all female cross fit gym and it
was all women and it was all about empowering our
bodies and our health and our mind. And it wasn't
even about like how l a can be so superficial
(11:48):
about how you look and being thin. It was just
about getting healthy and eating better because you like yourself
and you love yourself and you want to take care
of your body. I love that that's like something that
happens when you're in unity with other women, like that
distinction that we can lift each other up and like
care for ourselves in the process. I feel like it's
(12:10):
been maybe a couple of different moments that fostered a
different level of self care. But in college, after I
pledged a sorority, I just felt like I lost myself
in the process of trying to be a mover and
shaker on campus and like fit into this world. And
(12:31):
so I've talked a lot about, you know, the reality
of a situation once you enter that situation, as opposed
to what it feels like on the outside. So once
I got into the sorority and felt like this isn't
necessarily the sisterhood that I've been looking for, I had
to like pull myself back and work on loving myself
(12:53):
just as who I am as a person detached from
anything else. And at the time I thought I was
being self because I feel like the concept of self
care wasn't as widely talked about and revered as it
is now. And then also after that, moving to Hollywood
and just being in this business that is constantly telling
(13:13):
you know, and you're getting no from every angle, like
more knows than yes. Is you have to figure out
a way to love yourself otherwise you would implode. Like
I know, you took class at the same studio I
did Shakira. But there was a teacher who said, to
be an actor, you need to have a sense of
(13:34):
radical self love. And I was like, like, I was like,
oh no that being a Minnesota No, no, not me,
you know, like that has always been a part I'm
from two very docile culture is Gunnian culture and Minnesotan culture,
which are like not about me, always about other people.
And so for some reason, that teacher saying that really
(13:56):
stuck and made sense in my head of like, oh,
it's okay to be like, I'm the ship going into
this audition. I deserve what I'm going after, and you
have to be your own cheerleader, right, because yeah, otherwise
I know, shoot, if you wait for other people, you
might not ever get it, right. Yeah. The idea that
(14:19):
like you put other people first or what they care
about first, before you put your own feelings and take
your own feelings into account is like so real and like,
I think one of the first acts of self care
that I remember doing for myself was when I left
college my first year, Like I went straight to college
from high school and I went to Hampton University, lived
(14:42):
on campus, and I just realized that I didn't want
to do it like it wasn't for me. I didn't
I didn't know what I wanted to do. I just
knew like that was the next step. And then my
parents would be really upset if I didn't do it.
But I just had to sit with myself and say,
this doesn't feel right right now, and I left. Was
(15:04):
one of the best decisions I've ever made, because I
became a waitress and I got experienced in the world
and I realized, you know, the things that I do
want and then was able to go to college later.
And then when I realized that those acts of self
care manifest in me living the life that I want
to live, I was like, oh, I'm gonna do all
the stuff I want to do. I think that's like
(15:26):
the finding the ship that you love and like not
denying yourself that like not denying your desire and being okay,
especially Ashley with the parent factor of like disappointing, being
okay to own that you you you still did stuff,
but it just wasn't in the time that other people
(15:47):
wanted you to do it, or you know, or accomplish
whatever you needed to for yourself. A big part of
my self care is not listening to outside voices, just
like really knowing what I want, what I need. Yeah,
And I feel like you do that really well. Actually
you're very intune with yourself and when you need a moment,
you take the moment and you get there. And that's
(16:07):
a really radical way to you know, show self living.
Like lord, I think so well, you know, kind of
speaking of who are the people that inspire your self care?
Like are there any people that have modeled it for
(16:29):
you that you're like, oh, I saw that. It was like, yeah,
I think you all know who The background on my
phone is, uh, yes, yes, the background on my phone
is a picture of Oprah Winfrey on the day that
I was born. And I watched her like many of
us growing up, you know, if you your mom was
(16:51):
watching it or somebody was watching it. And Obrah fostered
this at the time, it was radical idea of really
forming yourself mind, body, and soul and like popularizing that
for all kinds of women, but specifically women of color
and making that okay. And I keep her on my
(17:11):
phone to remind me, Like Oprah was looking kind of
crazy at that time. People did not like how she looked.
I don't believe that, but the industry did not want
somebody who looks like that to succeed, and she surpassed,
like astronomically, any vision that anybody could have had for
her career. I look at that picture every day to
(17:32):
remind myself that anything is possible, and how I practice
it in my life is like encouraging myself instead of
looking for it from the outside, that I can do
what I want to do as long as I actually
do the work and take the time to do what
I say I want. Yeah, Oprah is a good one
for me as well. I started listening to her podcast
(17:53):
Super Soul Sunday, and you know, I don't agree with
everything that she says, but she is so intentional about
making sure you know, you need to take time for
yourself and you can't. You know, what's the saying, you
can't feel anyone else's cup with New Years is empty.
And Jasmine gave me the opportunity to go and I
got to go to Oprah's live taking up her podcasts
(18:15):
and it was one of the best self care days
I've ever had. And then we looked stupid. We were
dancing in the aisles and be like, you feel self conscious,
but you're like I'm going to get this whole Opra experience.
Let me these weird dances in the aisle before the
world shut down before Yes, it was close to the
world shutting down too, um, But I think the biggest
(18:36):
inspiration for self care for me was seeing the women
in my life who didn't care for themselves. My mom
was so selfless and like putting her kids first and
being in a marriage longer than she wanted to be.
And I just saw that and was just like, I'm
so thankful for your strength, but I'm gonna be strong
in another way. And I just I want to live
(18:59):
my life the way I want to live it completely.
I just want to touch on what you said there
about the staying in a marriage longer than you needed
to and how the generations before us made those If
you want to call it a sacrifice, it was a
sacrifice because I'm sure she wanted you guys to grow
up in a two parent household for the reason she
(19:22):
was conditioned to believe are important. But that is so real.
I see that in some of the relationships in my
family too, that like, oh my god, I could never
put up with what you're putting up with. Any idea
that it's like someone else's idea of what your life
should look like. And I think that's at the crux
(19:44):
for me, and I think why, Like, when I think
about this question, obviously you'll know I'm obsessed with Audrey Lord.
I feel like all of her writing really speaks to
that core of yourself that like knows what it was
right for your spirit, not some other person in definition
of what you should be or how you should be
or how life should be lived. But it's like, what
(20:06):
do I really care about? What do I really want
to do? What are the things that feed me and
keep me alive. One of my favorite images of Audrey
Lord is like her on a boat in Lake Tegel
in Berlin, and she literally just looked so joyful. It
was a picture her partner took of her. I think,
just ah, that unabashed, like I'm claiming my joy and
(20:28):
like my love for myself no matter what. Yeah, I
can piggyback off of everything that's been said. I don't
know a ton about Audrey Lord outside of what I
feel like you talked about her. She means some essays, um,
(20:49):
But yes, I I feel like I'm very inspired by
the women in my life. On wanting to take care
of myself more based off of how they were able
to or weren't able to. My mom the same thing
in a marriage for for you know, reasons I can't explain.
And for me, I'm like, I love my life. I
(21:10):
love myself too much to subjected to that kind of
situation for that long. But I also love how my
grandmother she was probably the most they called her selfish
because if she would go on vacation and not take
my mom or take the kids, you know what I mean,
(21:33):
She's like, I'm getting out of here yet. So she
would do things that were considered uh selfish, but low key.
It was a level of self care that I respect.
You know, isn't that wild? That a hard working mother
and I'm sure she was spending a million plates at
a time and she wanted to get away, and that
(21:55):
is perceived a selfish that like one moment she's like,
this is for me. She would go on a cruise
and my mom was like, well, that's one thing about
my mom. She was selfish. She would go on cruises
and not take us and it's just like, I can't
take y'all occasionally, but nah, I need this. I feel
like when people use the term selfish, it's because they
(22:18):
want something that you're not going to give them, And like,
why would you go on vacation and take all your
stress with you and there's no sense, but your mom
wanted to go, so Grandma was being selfish. I'd literally remember,
maybe in like third or fourth grade, the first time
my mom ever went on a trip by herself. She
(22:38):
went to visit her high school friend in California, and
I felt like my heart had been ripped out of
my chest. And I apologized to her about that sense,
but I really was like, no, you can't. How could
you even think you have the right to do that?
And I did love your mom. This is the taboo
(22:58):
that's connected with herself love or self care. When we
talk about barriers to like getting to this place of
just accepting yourself and the things that you want, huh,
that people just want to take from you. They want
to take, and they take and they take and they will.
I've taught myself the other night writing this angry as poem.
(23:20):
There's so many poems that I like, literally we'll just
never share. But I was just like, do you want
the cup? Like take the cup and It's like, those
are the moments of like I need to take a
moment and just pour into myself because I'd be given
too much. Sometimes you had an incident with a cup
that's my self care because like you know that the
(23:45):
notion of like pouring into others cups, but you can't
pour into cups until your cup is like full. And
I was like, you know, I'm pouring and pouring and
y'all just keep on taking a whole last day dream
about David and you in an argument over a cup
and it was so intense that you had to write
a poem about it. Do you want the cup? David
(24:07):
take it? He begins poems, though I know he does.
So we all got a poem with two Honestly, I know,
I know. How do you not? Like as a black woman,
I feel like they're I mean, maybe not everyone, but
like there are moments where you're so overwhelmed by an
experience that you just had that and I know for
(24:27):
us as writers, like there's nothing else you can do
but write it down because it's so heavy and so like,
oh my god, I feel like I've almost trained myself
to immediately remember you can write this, Like when something
traumatic happens, I'm like, don't you sad girl? This is
comedy later all right, right, which is nice. And I
(24:50):
think that's another factor, like when you start dating and stuff.
I went into dating like I'm a good person, so
everybody else is going to be a good person too,
and then oh yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't work out
that way unfortunately. So having to realize just because your
(25:11):
intentions are good doesn't mean other people's intentions are good
or like that they are going to have the same
ideals that you have for what a relationship is. And
I think too, that's the thing about relationships is like
there are times where you both can be right in
the way that you understand and take care of yourself
in this world, and it's just not right for each
(25:32):
other in knowing those boundaries within yourself because you know
your yourself and you know like, hey, I can't I
can't knowing yourself if you try to ignore yourself and
be like let me just you know, spin all these
plates and try to keep going like you're gonna drop it.
You know you can't keep it up if you don't
stop to be like, what do I need in this moment?
(25:52):
So then you can communicate that to the people around
you too. I was dating someone and I didn't realize
how much baggage and weight I was carrying from that
person until we broke up, and I felt like I
lost five thousand pounds instantly, just because it was such
a heavy thing. And in trying to be selfless and
(26:15):
in trying to like be a supportive partner, I took
so much of that trauma on. And that is an
awakening moment also to be like, oh, like you said,
these are my boundaries and what I can give to
you without losing myself in this thing. Yeah. I think
that's an important part of self care, is knowing your
(26:38):
boundaries and not just like thinking about them in the moment,
but also just like concrete, what are my principles, what
are my morals? What are the things that I stand for,
So that it makes it easier in those moments to
be like, oh, you don't align with my goal, I
don't even need to take this on, right, And that
I love myself enough to commit my life, my actions,
(27:00):
my people around everything, Like I love myself enough to
advocate for myself. I know myself enough and like as
too ignoring right, Yeah, you get it, but it gets
pushed down what you were saying about religion, Kira even
just like the idea that I'm by and I was
just like, oh no, like I can't ever. I could.
(27:21):
I could never because I'm gonna burn in the lake
of fire or whatever. And it's like that's not mine,
that's not mine to carry that someone else's, you know. Yeah, yeah,
So when the weight of everyone else's expectations get too heavy,
what are y'all's favorite ways to like care for yourself?
What are you self? Kia tips. Hot yoga has been
(27:45):
a second religion in my life. I'm so glad that
I started doing it. It changed just everything I feel
like on the mat, I can leave like like literally
leaving that stuff in the room and sweating it out,
and I love it. I poo pooed hot yoga for
a while, but then I tried it and I was like,
(28:06):
this is transformative. You know. I did a big room yoga.
I was in Oakland for a hot second, and I
started doing big room yoga every other day and it
was amazing. I was in the hot room for an
hour and a half and big room is just like
like yoga is already like, can I make it through
(28:26):
the hour? Bick Room was like an hour and a
half of just being like stretching and dripping and sliding
because I was so soaked, but it was beautiful. Have
you watched the Netflix document Big Room? Don't even know.
I haven't seen it. I would watch. It's okay, it's
just interesting. You want to have information, Okay, Okay, I
(28:49):
don't know. I haven't seen it. The idea of moving
your body physically, Ashley, I really want to publicly thank
you and acknowledge you for telling me to buy a
pair of skates. I would go to the drink on occasion,
but skating has really become the only time in space
that I have to myself to be like or not
the only, but like it's something that I allow myself
(29:11):
to move and do a thing that like, it feels
like I'm flying. It checks so many boxes, all the boxes.
You could listen to music, could wear, all the cute
things you want, doesn't matter, you're just out. I agree.
I feel like when I'm having a day or a moment,
even if I'm not really skating, it's just good for
so many things. But like, if you're ever having a
(29:31):
bad day, go down to do Venice Beach and skate,
and first of all, everyone loves you because you're a
cute girling roller skates and they're like, Hi, what's up.
You're just like, it's just you're getting so much good
energy from people. And then also you're moving your body
in and flying in a winter. Outside of skating my
(29:51):
self care, um, like, one of my favorite things to
do is go shopping. I don't even have to buy anything. Guys.
We went to Thailand and I found a mall that
was on my agenda and it was the best mall
I've been to. Um. I spent I want to say,
six to eight hours trying on clothes, putting together outfits.
(30:13):
I came out with a pair of sunglasses. But like,
it is just so peaceful and I get to do
what I want that I know how different our self
care was that day. Like was going to the mall.
Mine was going to pend the island and the temples,
and mine was going to Peepe Island, another island, more
some more exploring, and then I just want to sit
(30:34):
on the beach. I just want to swim and then
go back to the shore and sit in the sun
and then go swim. Anytime I'm connected to the water
or like to the ocean, I'm like, I'm home, I'm reconnected,
I'm in my zen place. You were saying that when
you jumped off the back of that jet ski and
we're in open water, I know almost left me in
(30:57):
that water. Yes, I would never do that. That's not
a part of my self care. My top are traveling
in essential oils, and you essential oils. Sometimes I take care.
I don't have any bubble gum. I got this peppermint oil.
But it worked out it. It worked out it the
(31:19):
one time I was desperate enough to try it. Yes,
it did. And then you just breathe it in. Now
you don't breathwork meditation. You're getting it all in and one.
I feel like my essential oils are an investment. But like,
have you guys purchased like crazy stuff for self care
that wasn't quite helpful? I mean I've purchased things that
(31:39):
weren't helpful were they in the vein of self care?
I do love this idea that, like our conversation around
self care, wasn't necessarily rooted and a thing that you
could buy or like some bath bomb. So I'm kind
of obsessed with philosopher candles. So like I love taking
baths and there's this candle from a less but that
(32:01):
does give me joy. But it's like, that's not my joy.
It's an expensive at candle from a not black owned company.
That's not my joy. I go to the spa in
l A and now I just don't know if I'm
ever going to go again, Like it's so yeah, like
(32:22):
what how is that going to work forward? I wanted
to go to the Korean spot for my birthday March twelve,
and I was like, I don't. I don't think I'm
allowed to do that. I was so glad I didn't go. No,
I love KEI was about to let you all. I
was like, I'm not going, but I'll see y'all at
the dinner. But she never said anything. Y'all was like,
ain't about it in a hot room with a bunch
(32:44):
of women that air. Oh. I feel like the last
thing that I bought for self care, I mean it
turned out working fun was my vibrator. Yes important, and
she's good, She's she was a good Perton. There are
some things money can buy, Yeah, money can buy a orchas. No,
(33:09):
but the vibrators. It changes the game. Yeah, it's true.
It's a game changer. That is an investment, a rechargeable
one that's waterproof. I need that. I need to upgrade
my life. I'm still using a double a battery. Oh no,
And then it died. It does die, but when it
(33:30):
comes back, it comes back with When the battery died,
it gets all slow and I come back with that
new battery and it's quick, quick, hurt yourself looking for
that new joke every time. Oh man, Oh wait, can
I say one more thing? Yeah, I will say that
(33:52):
one part of my self care has been over the
last few years Black Girl Magic Are Live and show.
It has always been just a sense of so much
community and love and joy. And I could have a
horrible day, but walk into that room and it's just like, ah,
this is where love is. And it's like love that's
(34:14):
rooted in community, like and Kira talked about this kind
of at the top, but like that in lifting each
other up and creating space for ourselves to play and
explore and do the things that we love together and
in community with each other. Like self care is not selfish,
like when you bring your your full self the things
that make you come alive to whatever space you're in,
(34:37):
Like that that joy feeds your community and feeds the
people around you, and like it feels like a warm
cinnamon roal hug, Like Black Row Magic is truly one
of my favorite places. And like I see the reminders
in my calendar and now that we're all locked up,
and it's like and this you guys, like, but now
(34:57):
we have this space to share love and community. So
that was all to say that this is also been
a part of my self care very much. So a
part of my self care too, is like prayer and
meditation and I just like I said, I feel like
I oftentimes in l A feel a lot of different
(35:21):
forces and there are a lot of different energies all
over the place, just when you walk in the street,
and that is something that helps me ground myself in
who I am, Like who are you outside of what
you're trying to do in the career you're attempting to
navigate and everything. It just sort of helps me remember
(35:42):
like where I came from and who I am. M hmm.
I love that. H Affirmations and meditations are my sort
of thing. And every morning I give myself the first
ten minutes at the very least of my day to
like write down the first thing that come to mind,
the things that I want for the day, my dreams,
(36:03):
like my literal dreams. Um. But that moment to reflect
and to I connect outside of like what it is
you do. I resonate with that so deeply, Mammia, the
necessity of like tuning out everything else and like listening
to you and your higher spirit and God and whatever
that is. It's also so interesting to see the ways
that we all go about getting the same thing, Like
(36:26):
mommy is you know, going to religion and meditation to
get outside of like those outside voices. And yes, you're
doing your journaling. And that's definitely what my road tripping
has been. Like I go into the woods for months
at a time and disappeared, y'all. We're like in a tree. Yes,
(36:48):
I'm crying in front of a waterfall, right. I love that.
Um Yeah. And y'all know I love Abraham Higgs as well,
So she's one of my my go to is. I
listened to her uplifting ones that are it's a good
morning and everything's working out and it's a nice change
a pace. I think, Yeah, as you mentioned journaling, and
(37:09):
I kept a journal since seventh grade, and I didn't
even know that that was therapy for me, Like I
didn't know that I was releasing you guys know how
where I grew up and the circumstances, So I didn't
realize that that was actually my way to deal with
my issues. And it's still something I do to this
(37:31):
day because some people think writing things down is like
I don't want to remember that. Like I've had a
friend say they don't want to journal because they don't
want to remember what they were feeling. But I love
to see the progress of how you grow in your
thought and like when you're like is this going to happen,
it didn't and I'm fine, and something even better happened
that I couldn't even imagine would happen. Or like looking
(37:55):
back on those moments, like I remember making a decision
that I had once approached before, and they mean, like,
let me go back on my journal and see how
I felt it and if I feel the same way,
and if I know I need, you know the decision
I can make based on the past stop care. Clearly
(38:16):
we are all down with self care. Um, you know
what else I'm down with giving advice, Yes, but I
think we need to work from our sponsors really quick.
(38:39):
Welcome back, all right, y'all ready to give this advice.
I mean, we're gonna do our best. We're gonna trump.
So today's advice that are reads. My name is Jason,
Jason okay, real name? Okay, right, I'm like Jason said is.
(39:00):
I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, but my
parents are immigrants. My best friend is white and about
a year ago moved to NYC to work on her
master's degree, and I recently took a job with her mother.
Because of COVID, it's been impossible finding work. The job
seemed perfect, but if they always do at the beginning,
(39:21):
you're like, oh yay. A week later, Um, the job
seemed perfect. But I recently noticed with everything that's going
on with the racial pandemic. What's a racial pandemic? Jason?
He put things together? Actually, where you going about? I
see that her mother is borderline racist. Oh not full Karen,
(39:43):
but close enough. My question is how do I tell
my best friend that her mother is a racist without
hurting her feelings? Should I keep working for her? Wow?
I would first like to say her feelings. If she
is a racist, she should know that and be tactful
for sure, don't you know, lead with anger? But uh,
(40:09):
fuck her feelings, Jason, You I feel like you know
the answer to this man like you ask these questions.
Should I tell her, yes, she needs to go handle
that so that you don't have to be the recipient
of that racist rhetoric. And then also no, you should
not keep working for her. See, I can't tell a
man to give up gainful employment during a pandemic of race.
(40:32):
According to him, I think he should find another job
and then quit. That is the most practical way to
do it. But I feel like of the people I
grew up with parents are racist, and I can see
it right now in their radio silence with what's going
(40:53):
on in the world. Um so I kind of feel
I get what he means of not feeling completely comfortable
just to blow the whole thing up and call her out.
Which I'm not a white apologist, I'm not a you
know whatever, But I do get having friends who their
families are not in aligning with the times right now.
(41:18):
I don't know if that answered the question, but but
I feel you, Jason, one of the things that I've
read recently from MICHAELA. Cole Um, and her article is
just like a level of empathy. She tries to live
her life with that level. So it's like we gotta
call it out. But also like some people genuinely just
haven't had the opportunity to do better yet, and if
(41:40):
they're still showing off and not showing up, then puck that.
But if if they are trying and don't really haven't
fully figured it out, It's like, if you're just ignorant,
that's one thing. If you're choosing to be ignorant and
or being crappy, well then you can't be working for
this woman, and you gotta let you know the friend now.
I think the only way to find out though, the
(42:03):
difference between those two if they're being ignorant willfully or
if they don't know, is calling them out. You know,
you have to see how that reaction happens, and you
want to make sure you know. Anyone gets called out
and they're going to be defensive. You know, I've been
called out what's wrong and was still still was defensive,
and so it's gonna be tense for a moment, but
(42:25):
it's the only way to take the next step. I think,
do you guys feel like it's always necessary? Like is it?
Is it my passiveness to be like I'm out. I
don't feel like being your teacher or facilitating this conversation
with you versus hitting it head on. I suppose there's
(42:46):
no right or wrong answer. But again, y'all know I
love Audrey Lord. She says it's better to speak than
be silent and to ask. She's point about her mom
will never know that she's racist or doing things out
are harmful to people of color if she doesn't if
she doesn't know about it, But like, there has to
be a desire to do better, and if that's not there,
(43:10):
then it would be a waste of your time. And
there are other places that you can work, Jason, that
will value you as your full self and who you
are and what you do and what you bring to
the world in a way that like, and I'm finding
more and more now with everything, like you have to
vocalize what it is that you that you want, that
(43:31):
you need and the things that you feel and the
experiences you have. That's a really good point, yes, And
thinking back to the self care thing, like to say like, oh,
I'm just gonna avoid this situation because who cares your
voice matters? Or like, the way that you feel is valid,
whether it hurts somebody's feelings or not or makes them uncomfortable.
(43:51):
It also makes it harder to speak up the next
time if you don't, it just builds. I feel like
a good way to tell this Karen mother or this
mother that she's racist is like, let's petition Cosmo to
have like are you racist? Quiz in their magazine and
then and then people can fill it out and then
they will find out in a you know, setting that
(44:14):
is acceptable to them if their racist or not, or
like twenty three and me draw blood if were are
your ancestors slaveholders? And also answer these questions do you
think this is funny with a person in black face?
(44:35):
That's good. That's a good one, all right, Jason. So
all you gotta do is get Cosmo to um or
get twenty three and Me to change up the way
they do with stuff racism. You could just give her
a book how you feel. If she's somebody who you
she grew up watching you grow up and thinks you're
(44:58):
the good one or whatever. Your your opinion is valid
and this is your best friend, you know, like someone
who cares about you, someone who loves you, will hear
that you are being harmed an X amount of ways
and we'll stand up and say I got your back.
And they have to know their mom is a little
bit of a racist. But look, kie, people be knowing
(45:20):
how you don't know that you've heard you somebody say
something questionable or out of pocket. Um even you know,
my mom has said things and I'm like, Mom, that's
not racist, but like the way you're saying it, and
it's a little ignorant as well. Being home in Virginia,
I'm definitely mom slurs. Well, hey, look, here's the thing.
(45:43):
We're all not raised in homes with education that is diverse.
So we have to meet people where they are. Sometimes
sometimes well my parents, I'm meeting them where they are parents.
Your parents are worth the investment. Your best friend's mom
might well might be worth the investment. But like homeboy
(46:05):
on Facebook that you went to college with ten years ago,
trying to convince him energy, Yeah, don't all right, Jason,
Are you confused enough now to choose from pack your
(46:27):
ONWN adventure, baby, pack your ONN Adventure? Oh man? Anyway,
I hope y'all enjoy the conversation. Um, I know I did.
We hope that you share this and review the podcast
because it really helps us out and we want to
know what you think. Yes, and come kiki with us
(46:49):
on our social media at Obama's Other Daughters on Instagram
at O D Improv, on flit top, and on Facebook
where Obama's Other Daughters. And if you need some advice,
y'all know where to find us O O D Podcast
at Gmail. Send us an anonymous letter, you know, sleepless
in Seattle, hungry, Hey, my mama's cooking, whatever you want
(47:12):
to call yourself, Go forward and send us a letter.
We love to hear from you. All right, Well, we'll
see you all next week. Bye You Down is a
production of shawnda Land Audio and partnership with I heart Radio.
(47:33):
For more podcasts from Shawndland Audio, visit the I heart
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Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com