November 6, 2024 • 9 mins
Couch Talks is the bonus episode of You Need Therapy that comes out every Wednesday where Kat answers questions that listeners send to kathryn@youneedtherapypodcast.com. This week, Kat responds to a listener who's feeling crushed after her therapist suddenly announced she’s leaving. Kat dives into why saying goodbye can feel so intense, whether it's normal to feel so attached, and how to keep going in therapy even when it feels hard to start over.
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Produced by: @HoustonTilley
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch
Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.
I am the host, and if you are unfamiliar with
what couch Talks is, it is the special bonus episode
of You Need Therapy where I answer questions that you
guys send to Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com.
(00:31):
And quick reminder before we get into the episode that
even though this podcast is called You Need Therapy and
I am a therapist, this does not serve as a
replacement or substitute for any actual mental health services. I
also always keep these emails anonymous so you don't have
to be worried about exposing your identity or people knowing
(00:51):
who send the email in. I will never say your name,
so you can feel really safe sending in your question.
So today we're going to follow the normal format. We're
gonna get it. So I'm going to read the question
and then we are going to talk about it. Hi, Kat,
your podcast has helped me so much through my journey
and becoming a therapist. I am currently an intern and
I'm on my own mental health journey. Speaking of my
(01:15):
own mental health journey, I have been seeing my therapist
who is actually the best every week for almost two years. Yesterday,
she unexpectedly told me she's leaving the practice in a
couple of weeks to go work out a college, and
I am devastated. Sad is an understatement for how I'm feeling.
I feel like I am literally going through the stages
(01:37):
of grief. I understand she is just a person and
this isn't her fault. I'm wondering if it's normal and
okay to be so sad to have to leave her,
or if that means I had an unhealthy attachment or
reliance on her. Also wondering if you have any advice
on how to get over it. I'm tempted to just
not go back to therapy, even though I definitely haven't
fully healed to avoid this. This happened with my last
(02:00):
therapist too, and it's the worst feeling ever. Thanks. This
sounds very normal to me, sadness. That feeling is an
emotion that lets us know we lost something that is
important to us. So having feelings around the end of
a really important relationship is very healthy. And you said
it feels like you're going through the stages of grief, Well,
(02:20):
you probably are. Because you have lost something, right, This
is change includes loss, and loss brings us grief, and
so you probably are going through those stages, which also
means you're gonna have ups and downs, and in that
it's really important to remember feelings move and change, and
(02:40):
you won't always feel or have this intensity of the
emotion around this loss as you have at this very moment.
You might always feel that sadness of the loss, but
it won't always feel this deviciting to you as it
does in this moment, or this even physically painful, as
a lot of emotional pain you can feel in your
(03:00):
body as well. This also sounds really fresh, and it
sounds really new, and so it would be very appropriate
to have right now as you're going through this an
influx of heightened feelings. And a therapist is a very
special relationship, and there are different types of healthy relationships
(03:20):
with therapists. If somebody's listening and is like, ohoh, I'm
not that attached to my therapist or I don't have
that type of connection, it doesn't mean your connection is
bad or wrong. We all connect in different ways, and
there is no good or bad, right or wrong. There's
healthy and there's a lot of different versions of what
that can look like. Relationships are different depending on the
(03:41):
people involved, and also a therapeutic relationship can feel different
based on the stuff that you are going through and
working through. And if this therapist has helped you through
a really difficult time in your life, or a really
monumental time in your life, a very sacred time in
your life, then it makes sense that you would feel
(04:01):
this type of devastation as that relationship is shifting and changing.
I also think it's okay if you want to take
a break to just breathe through the feelings of sadness,
of the grief of the loss, it would be normal.
I think if you jumped back into finding a new
therapist right away to judge or compare the next therapist
you see, and I would encourage. Rather than finding a
(04:24):
replacement therapist, it could be helpful to look for somebody
else that you can connect with and kind of frame
it that way. Nobody is going to perfectly replace that relationship.
It was unique, it was special in its own way,
and that doesn't mean that other good relationships aren't out there.
Doesn't mean that your next therapist is going to be
better or worse it's just going to be different, and
different is still good. And like I said, I think
(04:46):
would be okay for you to take a break if
you don't want to rush into that, because then you're
going to just be comparing everybody unless you are in
a crisis mode and you really need that support right now.
Then you kind of might want to just ask your
current therapist, which I'm sure she's giving you some recommendations
or referrals, and you might not love the person right away.
It might feel different, and you might have some more
(05:08):
feelings of sadness or loneliness or fear that you're never
going to find that connection again in the beginning. But
I would encourage you to give that therapist a couple
sessions before you write them off, because you might be
on a higher level of comparing than you would normally be.
I think finding a therapist often is like dating, and
(05:30):
when that relationship ends, it's the same way. You might
need to take some space and time to allow yourself
to fully fill the breakup, and then eventually, maybe a
little before you feel ready, you push yourself to get
out there again. And then eventually also you are surprised
that other good things exist, so rather than try to
change your feelings or talk yourself into thinking you're being
(05:53):
crazy or you're too attached, I would encourage you to
allow yourself to be really sad, allow yourself to be
the amount of s that you are, to acknowledge how
important that relationship really was to you. It takes a
lot of energy, and it takes a lot of time
to build a strong relationship with a therapist, and I'm
sure you've had a lot of sacred conversations with this person,
(06:14):
and the transition can feel alarming, overwhelming. You may feel
a little powerless in the way that it's changing. This
is all normal, and this is very human. I would
encourage you to share these things with your therapist, share
your sadness. You don't have to put on a strong,
brave face for her. She can hold space for your feelings.
(06:35):
That's literally your therapist's job. And oftentimes in our lives,
things end too soon for our liking. Happens all the time.
Is much as I wish that wasn't the case, and
this experience can be a time that allows you to
lean into that and prepare yourself for something else in
your future. Allow yourself to lean into the feelings and
(06:56):
process them and talk about them. And so when something
else happens that feels really big like this, you know
that you're able to You're strong enough to handle it,
and your feelings aren't going to kill you, and you're
allowed to process them and talk about them. This just
could be a really good opportunity for you to practice that,
knowing that you have a safe person right now to
be in that with you. Sadness is really painful, and
(07:20):
at the same time, how wonderful is it to be
able to connect as much as you are able to
connect a lot of times when people are going through
a type of grief, I was going to say dating again,
but it's any type of grief, and it doesn't make
the pain less painful. But I like to remind people
that the reason that we are able to feel this
(07:42):
deeply is because we're able to feel those yummy emotions
that deeply as well. And this is a testament to
how much that relationship meant to you and how much
you were able to connect with somebody, And that means
you are going to be able to do it again.
And you might not be at this point ready to
dive into that and think about that and explore that
(08:02):
you might want to stay in this space where you're
allowing yourself to be sad about what you're losing first,
and in that sadness, you can also celebrate what you
had with this person because it is special. So no,
this does not mean that you were in an unhealthy
relationship with your therapist. It might just mean that you
were in a special relationship with your therapist and you
had a relationship with your therapist and that is something
(08:25):
to celebrate. So I hope this was helpful. I know
this sucks right now and you won't always feel this way,
and I think that's helpful to hear sometimes. If you
guys have any other questions, feedback, comments, anything, you can
send that to me Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast
dot com. You can follow me at kat van Buren
and at You Need Therapy Podcast on Instagram and I
(08:46):
will be back with you guys on Monday for a
new episode of You Need Therapy. Until then, I hope
you have the day you need to have By
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch
Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.
I am the host, and if you are unfamiliar with
what couch Talks is, it is the special bonus episode
of You Need Therapy where I answer questions that you
guys send to Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com.
(00:31):
And quick reminder before we get into the episode that
even though this podcast is called You Need Therapy and
I am a therapist, this does not serve as a
replacement or substitute for any actual mental health services. I
also always keep these emails anonymous so you don't have
to be worried about exposing your identity or people knowing
(00:51):
who send the email in. I will never say your name,
so you can feel really safe sending in your question.
So today we're going to follow the normal format. We're
gonna get it. So I'm going to read the question
and then we are going to talk about it. Hi, Kat,
your podcast has helped me so much through my journey
and becoming a therapist. I am currently an intern and
I'm on my own mental health journey. Speaking of my
(01:15):
own mental health journey, I have been seeing my therapist
who is actually the best every week for almost two years. Yesterday,
she unexpectedly told me she's leaving the practice in a
couple of weeks to go work out a college, and
I am devastated. Sad is an understatement for how I'm feeling.
I feel like I am literally going through the stages
(01:37):
of grief. I understand she is just a person and
this isn't her fault. I'm wondering if it's normal and
okay to be so sad to have to leave her,
or if that means I had an unhealthy attachment or
reliance on her. Also wondering if you have any advice
on how to get over it. I'm tempted to just
not go back to therapy, even though I definitely haven't
fully healed to avoid this. This happened with my last
(02:00):
therapist too, and it's the worst feeling ever. Thanks. This
sounds very normal to me, sadness. That feeling is an
emotion that lets us know we lost something that is
important to us. So having feelings around the end of
a really important relationship is very healthy. And you said
it feels like you're going through the stages of grief, Well,
(02:20):
you probably are. Because you have lost something, right, This
is change includes loss, and loss brings us grief, and
so you probably are going through those stages, which also
means you're gonna have ups and downs, and in that
it's really important to remember feelings move and change, and
(02:40):
you won't always feel or have this intensity of the
emotion around this loss as you have at this very moment.
You might always feel that sadness of the loss, but
it won't always feel this deviciting to you as it
does in this moment, or this even physically painful, as
a lot of emotional pain you can feel in your
(03:00):
body as well. This also sounds really fresh, and it
sounds really new, and so it would be very appropriate
to have right now as you're going through this an
influx of heightened feelings. And a therapist is a very
special relationship, and there are different types of healthy relationships
(03:20):
with therapists. If somebody's listening and is like, ohoh, I'm
not that attached to my therapist or I don't have
that type of connection, it doesn't mean your connection is
bad or wrong. We all connect in different ways, and
there is no good or bad, right or wrong. There's
healthy and there's a lot of different versions of what
that can look like. Relationships are different depending on the
(03:41):
people involved, and also a therapeutic relationship can feel different
based on the stuff that you are going through and
working through. And if this therapist has helped you through
a really difficult time in your life, or a really
monumental time in your life, a very sacred time in
your life, then it makes sense that you would feel
(04:01):
this type of devastation as that relationship is shifting and changing.
I also think it's okay if you want to take
a break to just breathe through the feelings of sadness,
of the grief of the loss, it would be normal.
I think if you jumped back into finding a new
therapist right away to judge or compare the next therapist
you see, and I would encourage. Rather than finding a
(04:24):
replacement therapist, it could be helpful to look for somebody
else that you can connect with and kind of frame
it that way. Nobody is going to perfectly replace that relationship.
It was unique, it was special in its own way,
and that doesn't mean that other good relationships aren't out there.
Doesn't mean that your next therapist is going to be
better or worse it's just going to be different, and
different is still good. And like I said, I think
(04:46):
would be okay for you to take a break if
you don't want to rush into that, because then you're
going to just be comparing everybody unless you are in
a crisis mode and you really need that support right now.
Then you kind of might want to just ask your
current therapist, which I'm sure she's giving you some recommendations
or referrals, and you might not love the person right away.
It might feel different, and you might have some more
(05:08):
feelings of sadness or loneliness or fear that you're never
going to find that connection again in the beginning. But
I would encourage you to give that therapist a couple
sessions before you write them off, because you might be
on a higher level of comparing than you would normally be.
I think finding a therapist often is like dating, and
(05:30):
when that relationship ends, it's the same way. You might
need to take some space and time to allow yourself
to fully fill the breakup, and then eventually, maybe a
little before you feel ready, you push yourself to get
out there again. And then eventually also you are surprised
that other good things exist, so rather than try to
change your feelings or talk yourself into thinking you're being
(05:53):
crazy or you're too attached, I would encourage you to
allow yourself to be really sad, allow yourself to be
the amount of s that you are, to acknowledge how
important that relationship really was to you. It takes a
lot of energy, and it takes a lot of time
to build a strong relationship with a therapist, and I'm
sure you've had a lot of sacred conversations with this person,
(06:14):
and the transition can feel alarming, overwhelming. You may feel
a little powerless in the way that it's changing. This
is all normal, and this is very human. I would
encourage you to share these things with your therapist, share
your sadness. You don't have to put on a strong,
brave face for her. She can hold space for your feelings.
(06:35):
That's literally your therapist's job. And oftentimes in our lives,
things end too soon for our liking. Happens all the time.
Is much as I wish that wasn't the case, and
this experience can be a time that allows you to
lean into that and prepare yourself for something else in
your future. Allow yourself to lean into the feelings and
(06:56):
process them and talk about them. And so when something
else happens that feels really big like this, you know
that you're able to You're strong enough to handle it,
and your feelings aren't going to kill you, and you're
allowed to process them and talk about them. This just
could be a really good opportunity for you to practice that,
knowing that you have a safe person right now to
be in that with you. Sadness is really painful, and
(07:20):
at the same time, how wonderful is it to be
able to connect as much as you are able to
connect a lot of times when people are going through
a type of grief, I was going to say dating again,
but it's any type of grief, and it doesn't make
the pain less painful. But I like to remind people
that the reason that we are able to feel this
(07:42):
deeply is because we're able to feel those yummy emotions
that deeply as well. And this is a testament to
how much that relationship meant to you and how much
you were able to connect with somebody, And that means
you are going to be able to do it again.
And you might not be at this point ready to
dive into that and think about that and explore that
(08:02):
you might want to stay in this space where you're
allowing yourself to be sad about what you're losing first,
and in that sadness, you can also celebrate what you
had with this person because it is special. So no,
this does not mean that you were in an unhealthy
relationship with your therapist. It might just mean that you
were in a special relationship with your therapist and you
had a relationship with your therapist and that is something
(08:25):
to celebrate. So I hope this was helpful. I know
this sucks right now and you won't always feel this way,
and I think that's helpful to hear sometimes. If you
guys have any other questions, feedback, comments, anything, you can
send that to me Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast
dot com. You can follow me at kat van Buren
and at You Need Therapy Podcast on Instagram and I
(08:46):
will be back with you guys on Monday for a
new episode of You Need Therapy. Until then, I hope
you have the day you need to have By
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