Couch Talks: Is There Room For My Needs and My Partner's Needs in Our Relationship?

Couch Talks is the bonus episode of You Need Therapy that comes out every Wednesday where Kat answers questions that listeners send to [e-mail]. This week, Kat responds to a listener question about how her long-term boyfriend asked for time alone to process stress but didn’t give a timeline for reconnecting, and how she's struggling with uncertainty and wondering how to respect his need for space while expressing her own needs.

 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:09):
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch
Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat.
I am the host, and if you are unfamiliar with
what couch Talks is, it is the special bonus episode
of You Need Therapy where I answer questions that listeners
like you send to me at Katherine at therapy podcast
dot com. Quick reminder before we get into today's question

(00:32):
that this podcast does not serve as a substitute or
a replacement for any actual mental health services, but we
always hope that it can help you in some way.
So today is going to be an og couch Talks
episode where I actually read the question and we talk
about it. And I want to also highlight that all
of these always are going to remain anonymous, so you

(00:55):
don't have to worry about me reading your name or
anybody finding out who you are. The only information I
will share is the information in the email that you
sent to me in the question. So let's get into
this week's question. Hey, Kat, I'm talking to my therapist
about this, but I wanted to get your thoughts too.
My boyfriend asked for space and time alone for him

(01:15):
to process a conversation. That we had, and also just
life in general, because he's been stressed in all aspects,
feeling lost and seeking peace, which for him is in solitude.
He asked me not to reach out to him and
didn't give me a timeline of how long we wouldn't talk.
I want to respect his need for space, but I'm struggling.

(01:36):
It's been a week today since our face to face
conversation and I haven't talked to him since. How do
I respect his need for space but also express what
I need in this relationship. I don't know where we
stand and just want to have a further discussion about
our relationship. For background, we've been together for twelve years.

(01:57):
He has done this once before, three years ago, but
he told me a two week timeframe. Then The time
alone did seem to help him mentally. He's always been
the type to recharge with alone time. I want to
support him the best I can, but not talking to
him and the uncertainty of our relationship has me stressed
in this time of part. Thanks for your input. I

(02:19):
am so grateful that you sent this question in and
that you are trusting me with this, because this does
sound really stressful and really hard, and I don't know.
The word that's coming to me is scary, like it's
being in such a dark, unknown place with no information.
And I also want to say, this is kind of
hard for me to fully answer fairly because I have

(02:39):
no context of what that conversation was about in how
it went. It was something simple, if it was something
around I mean politics, especially right now with how heightened
everybody is, if it was something about your relationship in
general and what you want for your future and how
that is conflicting, or if it was just about him
or just about you. I don't know how elevated it

(03:02):
was or any of the details of that. So I'm
going to answer this as best as I can without
the information, but it would help me understand that ask
for such an extreme need in this moment, it could
make sense and also could not make sense. I also
want to highlight that leaving for an undisclosed time sounds
like an extreme reaction. Now you ask, how do I

(03:23):
respect his need for space and also express what I
need in this relationship, And the first thing that came
to mind was there's a difference in asking for space
and avoiding a relationship or avoiding a problem or an
issue space doesn't have to be ten minutes. It can
be a day, it can be a couple of days.

(03:45):
What is concerning to me is the undisclosed amount of
time where you were asked not to reach out. The
lack of information is unkind and a little chaotic scary.
It does not give safe and energy in a relationship.
You want to feel safe and heard and understood and
to really answer your question, how do I respect his

(04:07):
need for space and also express my needs in the relationship.
You can express them all livelong day, but I think
we have to ask a little bit of a harder question.
Do his needs allow for space for my needs and
vice versa. If his needs are space, his version of
space a prolonged and definite cutting off of communication, then

(04:28):
there isn't any room for your needs right here. You
can ask for them, but that would be going against
what he has told you to do. So I think
you're set up to not have like a fighting chance
to actually get your needs met. You kind of are
shut down from the beginning. Both of you have to
fit into this equation, and I think when it comes
to couples and relationships, this is where we really bump

(04:50):
up against each other. So many times, whether it's in
big arguments are small, it becomes my needs versus their
needs instead of our needs and what the relationlationship needs
to grow, heal and thrive. If one person's needs remove
all of the oxygen for the needs of the relationship,
there's going to be an unhealthy dynamic at play and

(05:10):
you will have to ignore your own needs in order
for the relationship to survive. And when I say survive,
I mean function doesn't mean that it's functioning healthy. You
can function in a very codependent relationship as long as
you have the dependent and the codependent. It doesn't mean
it's healthy. It doesn't mean it's something that ideally we
would want. But unhealthy dynamics can work for a long

(05:33):
time as long as both players are committing to those
two unhealthy roles. If you have an unhealthy, chaotic dynamic
and then one partner starts to heal and starts to
speak their needs and is getting healthy and there is
no longer wanting to play into that system, that unhealthy system,

(05:54):
then the relationship will not work because it functions off
of dysfunction. And so so I want you to think about,
is this relationship functional in a healthy way, or is
it functioning out of our dysfunction and the dysfunctional patterns
we have created and built, And am I okay with that?

(06:14):
It's not my job, or a therapist's job, or anybody's
job to tell you what you should do or want,
or what kind of relationship you should want. I think
that's up to us to decide what kind of a
relationship do we want, and then we have the responsibility
of identifying if the relationship we were in allows for that,

(06:36):
and if not, what we're willing to do with that information,
what we're willing to do with that insight. This dynamic,
from the little that I know, it almost feels like
a prolonged form of stonewalling, but disguised as something kind.
I think that in the more recent years of mental
health on social media, boundary in space and needs and

(07:02):
all of that stuff has become very exaggerated, where it
becomes this black or white, all or nothing experience, and
you can't argue with somebody if they're expressing something that
they need, even if it is I don't want to
use the word delusional, but somewhat out of bounds. We're
really quick to cut people off. We're really quick to

(07:23):
have no ability to withstain any type of discomfort. We
are just cutting things off and not allowing other people
to have their experience of what that's like. We just
have become these all are nothing. Very individualistic people in
some spaces, and I think that often comes because we

(07:45):
take things out of context and we use advice that
we hear, and I mean, I could be part of
the problem because I am the one that has a
podcast on mental health. But we take things and we
use them as blankets for all situations when a lot
of what therapy is and what finding what is best
for us is looking at our relationships and looking at

(08:06):
our scenarios in their own unique way. There's not a
one size fits all. It's not my way or the highway.
It's not if I don't want to tolerate something, everybody
else else has to change their life for me else
I'm going to cut them out of my life. I
think that is something I've talked about on here. Those
waters have just become a little murky. So I think

(08:27):
two things. One, I really want you to ask yourself
the question, is there space for my needs and my
partner's needs in this relationship? Are we both that both
of you are part of that. Are we creating an
allowing space for both people? Now, sometimes that might shift
and change, that's part of compromise. So sometimes things are

(08:48):
shifted more towards one person and sometimes things are shifted
more towards the other person. But consistently, is there space
for both needs here? And if not, is that because
we're incompatible and our needs are incompatible? Or is that
because this relationship is just based off of dysfunction. So
that's the first thing I want to just give you
to think about. And the next thing is, as I
was talking about this, I am preparing next Monday's episode

(09:12):
a little early, not that early because it's only six
days away, but it actually, interestingly enough, is kind of
making me think about the episode, Like this question is
kind of making me think about the episode for next Monday.
So I would tune in and listen to that. If
this is striking a chord with you, I'm talking about
kind of taking agency and using our own insight, So

(09:35):
that could be helpful. So answer that question, think about
that question, still on that question, and that might give
you some guidance or some feedback or some understanding that
you're needing right now, and then I would follow up
with Monday's episode because it kind of talks about the
nuance and the struggles with acknowledging the reality of where

(09:55):
we are. So I hope that was helpful. You can
follow us on Instagram at you Need Therapy Podcasts and
at cat dot Defada and until Monday. I hope you
guys have the day you need to have. Thanks guys, Bye,