December 11, 2024 • 12 mins
Couch Talks is the bonus episode of You Need Therapy where Kat answers questions that listeners send to kathryn@youneedtherapypodcast.com. This week, Kat reads an email from a listener asking how to approach a friend who has been giving feedback that feels invalidating.
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Produced by: @HoustonTilley
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Hi guys, and welcome to another new episode of couch
Talks on it You Need Therapy podcast. My name is
Kat and couch Talks is the special bonus episode of
You Need Therapy where I answer questions that you guys
send to me and you can send those to me
through email at Catherine at therapypodcast dot com. Now, as always,
(00:32):
this podcast never serves as a replacement or a substitute
for actual mental health services. Although these things that you
learn and hear an experience might help you along the
way in your journey to figuring out what you need
and might help you along the way in figuring out
if you want to go to therapy or what you
want to talk about in therapy and all of that,
(00:52):
so they can be helpful, but these aren't actual mental
health services. Now, as always couch Talks, I try to
keep it on the format of reading one listener question
and then talking about it and give some feedback and
insight and maybe offer some questions that might help whatever
it is that the listener is writing into me with.
And sometimes I go off the format and sometimes I
(01:14):
just do what I want. But today, for the second
week in a row, we are going to stick on that.
So I am going to read a email that I
got from a listener, and then we're going to talk
about it. So here is an email. Hey, Kat, one
of my close friends has a habit of always trying
to find a bright side when it comes to the
rest of us going through something. For example, I recently
(01:35):
found out that I didn't get a job I wanted
and her response was, at least you still have a
job and another friend broker leg and we'll be in
a cast for the summer. And she said, well, at
least you won't have to have surgery. I'm absolutely sure
she means well. She is one of the nicest people
you could ever meet, and she'd be horrified to think
that this positivity is at the least bordering on toxic
(01:58):
and is not being received in the way that I'm
sure she means it, which is why I have no
idea how to approach it with her. I don't want
to hurt her feelings or make her think that she
can't say anything when her friends are going through something.
I'd have no problem telling her why it's not helpful
if I thought she was being intentionally hurtful. But I
am confident that she's not, so how do I gently
(02:20):
tell her I just want a little empathy and spaced event,
not a bright side that feels like it diminishes what
I'm feeling. So this is such a good question and
something that I think is important to talk about over
and over because it's a tough subject and it is
coming up over and over and more and more because
of kind of the state of the world and how
the world is progressing. I did a whole episode titled
(02:41):
is My Positivity Toxic? A couple months ago, maybe last year,
because in the past couple of years there has been
an increase in this positivity that borders invalidating, And because
of this, then there's the secondary fear of being too positive,
and so it's become this black or white thing, like
we have too much positive or we're not allowed to
have any at all. And it's tough. It's really hard
(03:04):
to discern, like what's right, what's appropriate? When am I
being helpful? When am I being hurtful, especially because we're
all so different, and what might be really helpful for
one person may not be helpful to someone else, and
that can be really hard to actually understand. That's a
really easy sentence for me to say, and I think
it's a really easy sentence to hear, But when it
comes down to it, I think it's really hard to
(03:26):
like sit with and hold what might be really helpful
to one person might not be helpful to someone else. Now,
what actually bugs me about the toxic positivity stuff is
how it's portrayed these days, and that it's in this
light that is discussed in this idea that it's mean
and people who are toxically positive are bad And most
(03:46):
of the time, not all the time, but most of
the time, I believe people who do come off as
toxically positive, and people who do spread positivity that actually
feels toxic, I think most of the time they're coming
from a good place, which is one reason I love
this email so much. There is so much understanding that
this person isn't meaning to say something harmful. It's just
(04:07):
not what this person needs to hear. And so this
question is more about how do I learn how to
ask for what I need and how do I learn
how to share with my friend what is helpful and
what is hurtful versus how do I tell my friend
that she's being bad or wrong? Which when we approach
things from that perspective, they are so much easier to
receive and to hold. And I can receive feedback all
(04:30):
day long when it's coming from a place a love
and care like this, rather than like calling me out
for being like a bad person. Now, often this feedback
is given because we want to help people. We want
to pull them out of their feelings that are uncomfortable.
We want to make people feel better generally, And what
sometimes is tough to realize or believe is that sometimes
(04:50):
it feels better to sit in the crap and feel
the weight of it for a little bit than to
just ignore it. And it doesn't mean we need to
sit in it forever, but there's power and fully feeling
our experiences, not to punish ourselves, but to validate what
it is that we are going through. When we push
the glass half full agenda, I think sometimes we forget
(05:11):
that at the same time, it still is half empty
no matter what way you look at it. Both of
those things are true at the same time. So in
this case, and one of the examples that this listener gave, Yeah,
i have a job that I'm grateful for totally, and
at the same time, I'm still really sad and I
am grieving this opportunity that I was excited about, and
I need a little space to sit in that. Right now,
(05:33):
we have research, like the world has research. There's plenty
of it. You can just do a quick search and
you'll find as much as you need that proves that
speaking positively about ourselves and our experiences in our lives
does improve desired outcomes that we have. And I think
that this can look different than what might just pop
into someone's head when we think about what speaking and
(05:55):
talking and taking on a more optimistic outlook looks like
just saying my life is great, God is good, Everything's awesome,
and just focusing on all the good things might not
be the move. I think that we can say things
like I'm really sad and disappointed in this experience, and
I believe I am still capable of being satisfied in
the future. And I think we can say things like
(06:17):
this is really hard for me, and I don't know
how I'm going to move through it, and at the
same time, I do know that I'm capable of moving
through it. Those two things are optimistic. Those two things
are positive. So I think that positivity can look like honesty.
We don't have to ignore or push aside things to
sit in a positive light. We can be honest and
(06:39):
look at the realness of the world. We just need
space to focus on both separately. Sometimes now this listener
is asking, how do I gently tell my friend that
I just want a little empathy and space to event
I need some space to honor this one side of
the truth right now, not a bright side that feels
like it kind of diminishes this side of the truth
(07:00):
for me, because I mean, going back to one of
my favorite things to remind people, we can't heal things
that we ignore, right, We can't move through things we
refuse to acknowledge. And so if there is sadness, there
is disappointment, there is whatever it is, we have to
acknowledge it for us to actually be able to process
it and move through it. If we're not doing that,
(07:21):
then we're just stuffing it somewhere and it's going to
come out sideways, or it's going to end up creating
some belief system or hurtful inner dialogue if we're not
actually peeling through those layers. So how do I do that?
How do I tell my friend this and honestly I
think just kind of like what you said. It really
(07:42):
doesn't have to be any more complicated than that. I
think it can be really helpful to just say, like, hey,
I'm looking for this right now, do you have a
second You can start with this in the beginning of
conversations when you're going to a friend for validation, you
can actually say, Hey, I need to vent about something.
And honestly, I know you're a glass half full kind
of person and I really value that about you, and
(08:04):
at some point I'm going to really need you to
help me see that side. However, right now, I really
need space to just feel what I'm feeling right now.
I don't want to feel better about it. I don't
want to feel different. I just want space to feel
it and maybe complain and get all the things out
of my head. I'll even personally text or call a
friend and say like, hey, I need to be validated
for a second, so can you just listen to me
(08:26):
and don't give me any feedback. I just want you
to say that makes sense, and I want you to
remind me that my feelings are real, and I think
it's okay to say that. I think it's really powerful
to be able to ask for exactly what we need
versus come to our friends and then hope that they
give us what we're looking for. And also for those
on the listening side who are having their friends come
(08:48):
to them, it can be very powerful. When our friends
don't exactly ask for what they need directly, it can
be really powerful to ask them. If they don't say that,
if they don't tell us this is what I'm looking for,
it can be really powerful to ask them instead of
just offering what you might need or what you might want,
or what makes you feel less uncomfortable or awkward in
(09:09):
that situation. Sometimes your friends might reply, I want you
to help me see this is not the end of
the world. And sometimes your friends might reply, I want
you to just help me see that this is not
the end of the world, and I want you to
help me see other perspectives. And sometimes they might say,
I just want you to listen. That's all I really
need you to do, is just like listen and just
let me kind of like word vomit on you. I
(09:30):
think there's this like underlying expectation when somebody comes to us,
that they're coming to us and then we have to
fix the issue and I don't think that's what's happening
all the time. I think sometimes people are coming to
us and they don't want the issue to be fixed,
They just want the issue to be acknowledged, And so
maybe we're just acknowledging what it is is happening for
them in their experience that feels real to them at
(09:52):
that moment. Again, there is a time for the bright side.
We need that, we need hope, and we need to
be able to pull ourselves out of victim mindsets and
learn how to use our experiences when that's possible, rather
than just like burying ourselves and our experiences, but giving
our friends the ability to learn when that time is
can be really helpful and giving ourselves like a break, right,
(10:15):
So when a friend is coming to us, it's okay
to give ourselves a break and say, like, it's not
my job to fix this. They didn't ask me to,
and if they did ask me to, I don't know
if I even could. But it's not my job to
fix this, and it's my job to ask my friends
what it is that they need and to be there
for them and give them that if it's something that
I in my moral compass value system and my abilities
(10:37):
is able to give. And that's just a long winded
way for me to say that a really gentle way
and a kind way to ask for what you need
in these spaces is just to say that, hey, I'm
looking for this blank And I think also if you
ask for that, because I think sometimes this happens too,
if you ask for that and it's continued to like
not be respected, maybe there's still some like feedback your
(11:00):
ready to hear yet offer like, hey, I get that,
and I value that part of you that is able
to see a perspective that I can't see right now. However,
at this moment, like I can't receive that, so can
you kind of just like validate my experience for the moment,
and then when if I want to hear those things,
I'll ask you to remind me those things in like
(11:20):
a week. But right now I kind of just need
somebody to sit with me and be sad with me
because this is something that really was painful. So I
hope that was helpful. And y'all, I know this toxic
positivity stuff is going to continue to be confusing. And
I think again, like the theme that I hear in
my head over and over again. And the theme that
I feel like I say over and over again, and
(11:41):
I talk myself some in circle is a way to
avoid toxic positivity is to offer agency back to the
people that we're with, ask them what they're looking for,
rather than to give them what we think that they
might need, or again give them what is going to
make us feel less uncomfortable. I hope you guys are
having the week you need to have, the day you
need to have, and I will be back talking to
(12:03):
you guys on Monday.
Hi guys, and welcome to another new episode of couch
Talks on it You Need Therapy podcast. My name is
Kat and couch Talks is the special bonus episode of
You Need Therapy where I answer questions that you guys
send to me and you can send those to me
through email at Catherine at therapypodcast dot com. Now, as always,
(00:32):
this podcast never serves as a replacement or a substitute
for actual mental health services. Although these things that you
learn and hear an experience might help you along the
way in your journey to figuring out what you need
and might help you along the way in figuring out
if you want to go to therapy or what you
want to talk about in therapy and all of that,
(00:52):
so they can be helpful, but these aren't actual mental
health services. Now, as always couch Talks, I try to
keep it on the format of reading one listener question
and then talking about it and give some feedback and
insight and maybe offer some questions that might help whatever
it is that the listener is writing into me with.
And sometimes I go off the format and sometimes I
(01:14):
just do what I want. But today, for the second
week in a row, we are going to stick on that.
So I am going to read a email that I
got from a listener, and then we're going to talk
about it. So here is an email. Hey, Kat, one
of my close friends has a habit of always trying
to find a bright side when it comes to the
rest of us going through something. For example, I recently
(01:35):
found out that I didn't get a job I wanted
and her response was, at least you still have a
job and another friend broker leg and we'll be in
a cast for the summer. And she said, well, at
least you won't have to have surgery. I'm absolutely sure
she means well. She is one of the nicest people
you could ever meet, and she'd be horrified to think
that this positivity is at the least bordering on toxic
(01:58):
and is not being received in the way that I'm
sure she means it, which is why I have no
idea how to approach it with her. I don't want
to hurt her feelings or make her think that she
can't say anything when her friends are going through something.
I'd have no problem telling her why it's not helpful
if I thought she was being intentionally hurtful. But I
am confident that she's not, so how do I gently
(02:20):
tell her I just want a little empathy and spaced event,
not a bright side that feels like it diminishes what
I'm feeling. So this is such a good question and
something that I think is important to talk about over
and over because it's a tough subject and it is
coming up over and over and more and more because
of kind of the state of the world and how
the world is progressing. I did a whole episode titled
(02:41):
is My Positivity Toxic? A couple months ago, maybe last year,
because in the past couple of years there has been
an increase in this positivity that borders invalidating, And because
of this, then there's the secondary fear of being too positive,
and so it's become this black or white thing, like
we have too much positive or we're not allowed to
have any at all. And it's tough. It's really hard
(03:04):
to discern, like what's right, what's appropriate? When am I
being helpful? When am I being hurtful, especially because we're
all so different, and what might be really helpful for
one person may not be helpful to someone else, and
that can be really hard to actually understand. That's a
really easy sentence for me to say, and I think
it's a really easy sentence to hear, But when it
comes down to it, I think it's really hard to
(03:26):
like sit with and hold what might be really helpful
to one person might not be helpful to someone else. Now,
what actually bugs me about the toxic positivity stuff is
how it's portrayed these days, and that it's in this
light that is discussed in this idea that it's mean
and people who are toxically positive are bad And most
(03:46):
of the time, not all the time, but most of
the time, I believe people who do come off as
toxically positive, and people who do spread positivity that actually
feels toxic, I think most of the time they're coming
from a good place, which is one reason I love
this email so much. There is so much understanding that
this person isn't meaning to say something harmful. It's just
(04:07):
not what this person needs to hear. And so this
question is more about how do I learn how to
ask for what I need and how do I learn
how to share with my friend what is helpful and
what is hurtful versus how do I tell my friend
that she's being bad or wrong? Which when we approach
things from that perspective, they are so much easier to
receive and to hold. And I can receive feedback all
(04:30):
day long when it's coming from a place a love
and care like this, rather than like calling me out
for being like a bad person. Now, often this feedback
is given because we want to help people. We want
to pull them out of their feelings that are uncomfortable.
We want to make people feel better generally, And what
sometimes is tough to realize or believe is that sometimes
(04:50):
it feels better to sit in the crap and feel
the weight of it for a little bit than to
just ignore it. And it doesn't mean we need to
sit in it forever, but there's power and fully feeling
our experiences, not to punish ourselves, but to validate what
it is that we are going through. When we push
the glass half full agenda, I think sometimes we forget
(05:11):
that at the same time, it still is half empty
no matter what way you look at it. Both of
those things are true at the same time. So in
this case, and one of the examples that this listener gave, Yeah,
i have a job that I'm grateful for totally, and
at the same time, I'm still really sad and I
am grieving this opportunity that I was excited about, and
I need a little space to sit in that. Right now,
(05:33):
we have research, like the world has research. There's plenty
of it. You can just do a quick search and
you'll find as much as you need that proves that
speaking positively about ourselves and our experiences in our lives
does improve desired outcomes that we have. And I think
that this can look different than what might just pop
into someone's head when we think about what speaking and
(05:55):
talking and taking on a more optimistic outlook looks like
just saying my life is great, God is good, Everything's awesome,
and just focusing on all the good things might not
be the move. I think that we can say things
like I'm really sad and disappointed in this experience, and
I believe I am still capable of being satisfied in
the future. And I think we can say things like
(06:17):
this is really hard for me, and I don't know
how I'm going to move through it, and at the
same time, I do know that I'm capable of moving
through it. Those two things are optimistic. Those two things
are positive. So I think that positivity can look like honesty.
We don't have to ignore or push aside things to
sit in a positive light. We can be honest and
(06:39):
look at the realness of the world. We just need
space to focus on both separately. Sometimes now this listener
is asking, how do I gently tell my friend that
I just want a little empathy and space to event
I need some space to honor this one side of
the truth right now, not a bright side that feels
like it kind of diminishes this side of the truth
(07:00):
for me, because I mean, going back to one of
my favorite things to remind people, we can't heal things
that we ignore, right, We can't move through things we
refuse to acknowledge. And so if there is sadness, there
is disappointment, there is whatever it is, we have to
acknowledge it for us to actually be able to process
it and move through it. If we're not doing that,
(07:21):
then we're just stuffing it somewhere and it's going to
come out sideways, or it's going to end up creating
some belief system or hurtful inner dialogue if we're not
actually peeling through those layers. So how do I do that?
How do I tell my friend this and honestly I
think just kind of like what you said. It really
(07:42):
doesn't have to be any more complicated than that. I
think it can be really helpful to just say, like, hey,
I'm looking for this right now, do you have a
second You can start with this in the beginning of
conversations when you're going to a friend for validation, you
can actually say, Hey, I need to vent about something.
And honestly, I know you're a glass half full kind
of person and I really value that about you, and
(08:04):
at some point I'm going to really need you to
help me see that side. However, right now, I really
need space to just feel what I'm feeling right now.
I don't want to feel better about it. I don't
want to feel different. I just want space to feel
it and maybe complain and get all the things out
of my head. I'll even personally text or call a
friend and say like, hey, I need to be validated
for a second, so can you just listen to me
(08:26):
and don't give me any feedback. I just want you
to say that makes sense, and I want you to
remind me that my feelings are real, and I think
it's okay to say that. I think it's really powerful
to be able to ask for exactly what we need
versus come to our friends and then hope that they
give us what we're looking for. And also for those
on the listening side who are having their friends come
(08:48):
to them, it can be very powerful. When our friends
don't exactly ask for what they need directly, it can
be really powerful to ask them. If they don't say that,
if they don't tell us this is what I'm looking for,
it can be really powerful to ask them instead of
just offering what you might need or what you might want,
or what makes you feel less uncomfortable or awkward in
(09:09):
that situation. Sometimes your friends might reply, I want you
to help me see this is not the end of
the world. And sometimes your friends might reply, I want
you to just help me see that this is not
the end of the world, and I want you to
help me see other perspectives. And sometimes they might say,
I just want you to listen. That's all I really
need you to do, is just like listen and just
let me kind of like word vomit on you. I
(09:30):
think there's this like underlying expectation when somebody comes to us,
that they're coming to us and then we have to
fix the issue and I don't think that's what's happening
all the time. I think sometimes people are coming to
us and they don't want the issue to be fixed,
They just want the issue to be acknowledged, And so
maybe we're just acknowledging what it is is happening for
them in their experience that feels real to them at
(09:52):
that moment. Again, there is a time for the bright side.
We need that, we need hope, and we need to
be able to pull ourselves out of victim mindsets and
learn how to use our experiences when that's possible, rather
than just like burying ourselves and our experiences, but giving
our friends the ability to learn when that time is
can be really helpful and giving ourselves like a break, right,
(10:15):
So when a friend is coming to us, it's okay
to give ourselves a break and say, like, it's not
my job to fix this. They didn't ask me to,
and if they did ask me to, I don't know
if I even could. But it's not my job to
fix this, and it's my job to ask my friends
what it is that they need and to be there
for them and give them that if it's something that
I in my moral compass value system and my abilities
(10:37):
is able to give. And that's just a long winded
way for me to say that a really gentle way
and a kind way to ask for what you need
in these spaces is just to say that, hey, I'm
looking for this blank And I think also if you
ask for that, because I think sometimes this happens too,
if you ask for that and it's continued to like
not be respected, maybe there's still some like feedback your
(11:00):
ready to hear yet offer like, hey, I get that,
and I value that part of you that is able
to see a perspective that I can't see right now. However,
at this moment, like I can't receive that, so can
you kind of just like validate my experience for the moment,
and then when if I want to hear those things,
I'll ask you to remind me those things in like
(11:20):
a week. But right now I kind of just need
somebody to sit with me and be sad with me
because this is something that really was painful. So I
hope that was helpful. And y'all, I know this toxic
positivity stuff is going to continue to be confusing. And
I think again, like the theme that I hear in
my head over and over again. And the theme that
I feel like I say over and over again, and
(11:41):
I talk myself some in circle is a way to
avoid toxic positivity is to offer agency back to the
people that we're with, ask them what they're looking for,
rather than to give them what we think that they
might need, or again give them what is going to
make us feel less uncomfortable. I hope you guys are
having the week you need to have, the day you
need to have, and I will be back talking to
(12:03):
you guys on Monday.
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