November 11, 2024 • 35 mins
Who remembers their first time? This week, Kat, Josie, and Julia reminisce on the first time they ever went to therapy. And surprise! All of their experiences were a little bit different. Kat refused to speak in her session, Julia's may have told her therapist what she didn't like about her, and Josie was wishing her therapist was "cooler".
Kat wanted to have a conversation that talked about what it is like to go to therapy for the first time and what you may experience yourself because doing new things can be super intimidating. While we can't tell you exactly what it will be like- we can give you three perspectives from three different therapists. In this episode we answer listener questions including:
- What happens if I don't know what to talk about in session?
- How many sessions will it take to know if your therapist is the right fit?
- What kind of questions does a therapist ask during the first session?
- As a therapist, how do you prepare for a new client and what are some ways you try to ease the discomfort of a first timer?
- How do you get over the fear of embarrassment knowing you will cry the whole time?
- AND MORE!
Follow Kat on Instagram: @KatVanburen
Follow the podcast Instagram: @YouNeedTherapyPodcast
Click HERE to see the You Need Therapy merch!
Have a question, concern, guest idea, something else? Reach Kat at: Kathryn@youneedtherapyodcast.com
Heard about Three Cords Therapy but don’t know what it is? Click here to visit the website, or check it out on Instagram: @threecordstherapy
Produced by: @HoustonTilley
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Coming up on you need therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I was working through like you know, people pleasing, and
she said, Okay, before this session ends, I want you
to tell me one thing you don't like about me.
And that was like horrendous for me. So I sat
there for several minutes in silence, trying to think of something,
and then finally I said, I don't like that you
cussing sessions.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
I started to realize that not being an expert isn't
a liability, it's a real gift.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
If we don't know something about ourselves at this point
in our life.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
It's probably because it's uncomfortable to know.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
If you can die before you die, then you can
really live. There's a wisdom at death's door.
Speaker 4 (00:46):
I thought I was insane.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Yeah, and I didn't know what to do because there
was no internet.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel like everything
is hard.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Hey, y'all, my name is Kat.
Speaker 4 (00:59):
I'm a first and a licensed therapist second, and right
now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope encourage
you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others,
and the world around you.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Welcome to you need therapy?
Speaker 4 (01:17):
Hi, guys, and welcome to a new episode of You
Need Therapy Podcast.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
My name is kat I am the host.
Speaker 4 (01:23):
And quick reminder up top that although this podcast is
hosted by a therapists and you're actually going to be
hearing from three therapists today, this does not serve as
a replacement or a substitute for any actual mental health services. However,
we always hope that whatever you hear can help you
in some way. Today I have two of three courts
(01:44):
therapies therapists here to help talk about what it's like
to start the therapeutic process, what it's like to go
to your first therapy session, what to expect, what feelings
might come up, and all that really great anxiety provoking stuff.
So I have Josie here Hi, who has been on
(02:08):
recently Yes to talk about time. I said welcome, and
so instead up Hi.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
He said welcome, thank you. Okay, well welcome and that's
the show. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (02:18):
And then we have Julia who was actually here on
last Wednesday.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Hello, welcome, Yes.
Speaker 4 (02:25):
And I brought them on because what we're talking about
is not a one size fits all kind of situation.
Not every single therapist is going to do things the
same and not everybody's going to have the same experience,
even if you're going to see the same therapist. So
I thought it would be a great idea to hear
a couple different perspectives. And one thing I know personally
(02:47):
and hear a lot is how difficult it is to
take the step to actually go to therapy for the
first time.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Once you get in.
Speaker 4 (02:57):
The door and once you actually see what is going on,
usually that anxiety can ease, but the unknown is really, really,
really hard for people to push through. So we're going
to talk about what the unknown might include. So I
have some questions that you guys, actually listeners have sent
in that they are curious about with first sessions and
(03:20):
starting therapy. But I wanted to start by me, Josie
and Julia or is it Josie, Julia and I? Which
way is correct? I, Josie, Julian and I. Well, I'm
saying it both ways, and you guys can receive whichever
one is correct. But we're going to start by talking
about our own experiences and what they were like.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
And these might.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
Include positive experiences, they might include difficult experiences.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
But I want each of us.
Speaker 4 (03:47):
To go around and talk about what it was like
for us the first time we ever went to therapy,
and maybe what it was like if you've been to
multiple therapists different times, you've met those therapists.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
Does anybody want to first?
Speaker 5 (04:00):
I can go Okay, this is Josie my first experience.
I actually liked talking about because it was one of
the reasons I became a therapist. So my parents sent
me or my mom sent me to therapy in high school.
I was feeling pretty depressed. I gotten like this really
dark hole. She sent me to therapy and it was
(04:21):
an older therapist.
Speaker 4 (04:23):
And as wait when you say older, you're in high school.
Speaker 5 (04:27):
If you had a guess like fifties, sixties, okay, a
different generation, Like for sure, like many away from.
Speaker 4 (04:34):
Me, my friend, you know you're so much closer now, Joe.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
Say your age as a little.
Speaker 4 (04:42):
Like seventeen year old.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
It's eight years old, a little.
Speaker 4 (04:46):
Like seventeen year old. I was walking in and I.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
Was like, who was this woman?
Speaker 4 (04:51):
Yeah, that could be your grandmother, Yes, could.
Speaker 5 (04:53):
Be in my grand It was like, yeah, grandmother vibes,
And like one of the first things we talked about
was she do you know that little like mag that
goes on the fridge and it has feelings on it
and you move the little square around to your different
feeling and there's faces. That was one of the first
things that she did with me, and I was like, girl,
I am not five. I was a little sassy seventeen
year old. That made me feel like I was about
(05:16):
like five years old looking at it now, she didn't
really like assess and like meet me where I was right.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
That might be something she did with every single class.
Speaker 5 (05:25):
Yes, but just like where I was coming in, it
wasn't the vibe for me. So then I think we
had like one or two sessions, and a big thing
was I mean I was in high school drinking with
my friends on the weekends, and that was a huge
problem for her. Like as soon as I brought up
that I was drinking with my friends on the weekends,
(05:45):
it was like we've got to stop that, I'm gonna
tell your parents, which like fine, but like it's got
to stop, or like we're not gonna get anywhere, and
I was like, I am seventeen. I'm not listening to this.
I just didn't. I didn't want to be there. I
remember like I was like cussing at some points, and
she like felt like she was uncomfortable with that because
she like, I'm very much of like if my client
(06:07):
is cussing, or like my adolescent client, or I'm gonna
meet them where they are and I'm.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Gonna cuss use their language.
Speaker 5 (06:12):
Yes, I've known therapists that do not cuss, like it's
just not part of like their every day and they
use it when you're with an ado in session and
like means some where they are. So there was just
like a bunch of stuff that happened, and I hated
it and I never went back and like thank God
for my friends pulling me out of that hole. But
like how much of a difference would it have made
(06:33):
if she had met me where I am? Which is
like really important for when I work with adolescents now,
of like I know what TikTok is, you can send
me tiktoks, I know what you're talking about, Like I
know all the trends that you're talking about. I can
sit and cuss with you, and I know I've like
been in their exact same position. So it's really like, now,
knowing the experience that I have, I'm like really intentional
(06:54):
about relating to my adolescence.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Oh that's nice.
Speaker 5 (06:58):
I'm so glad it happened because I also I remember
thinking like as I get older, I was like, oh
my god, like she could have done that so differently,
and like, also, not every therapist is your match.
Speaker 4 (07:08):
Obviously she was definitely a match for a million.
Speaker 5 (07:10):
Other people, but I was just like, she could have
done that so much differently and I could have really
benefited from it.
Speaker 4 (07:17):
I'm glad you said that not every therapist is for everybody.
It doesn't necessarily mean she was bad at what she did.
She just wasn't for you. And thinking about that, therapy
has evolved so much so therapists that were trained twenty
thirty years ago are going to have been trained differently
(07:37):
than somebody who just graduated to somebody who graduated ten
years ago like I did.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
And Eh, that seems.
Speaker 4 (07:45):
Weird to say, but it doesn't mean that anybody's wrong. However,
it does give me the reminder that I always need
to be continuing to educate myself. Yes, because we're always
learning more about what is the most helpful, and that's
what that's with every single occupation there is and career
there is. So that doesn't mean that all older therapists
(08:06):
are going to be like that either. But it does happen, yeah,
because it's like, well, I've been doing it. I worked
with the guy who was actually a fabulous, like incredible therapist,
but you would always say.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Well, this is how we did it for fifteen years.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
And I'm like, okay, but it's like twenty fifteen now,
and we got to shift with the times, which was
hard for him because he'd seen that work so much.
But then we were seeing it not work anymore. So
I'm glad you said that. Hopefully she you know, has
been evolving it, she's still a cup of tea.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (08:38):
And then my parents didn't, like they didn't know, they didn't,
you know, push me to try someone else.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
It's like, all right, I guess therapy didn't work.
Speaker 4 (08:44):
Yeah, when really, Yeah, I'm glad you are saying all that,
because that doesn't mean therapy doesn't work.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
It means you need something a little different.
Speaker 5 (08:51):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
When did you go back to therapy the first time?
Speaker 5 (08:54):
Oh my god, not until like a year or so ago. No, No, okay,
I feel that I became a therapist before I went
to my own therapy, which is kind of scary to
think about. Now. But I literally did not go to
therapy until like a year ago, and I was remember
being so nervous. Well, I was like on the couch,
like shaking because I had been on her position. Of course,
(09:16):
I'd been the therapist already, Like I'd never been in
like this position since I was little. And it wasn't
a positive experience. Yeah, I was like so nervous the
whole time. And she was amazing. She still is amazing.
She's still my therapist. But it was like a really
positive experience.
Speaker 4 (09:31):
You become such a better therapist by going to therapy, yep,
by having that experience.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
And I am glad you admitted.
Speaker 4 (09:40):
That because I went to grad school wanting to be
a therapist. I went to therapy when I was really young.
I don't remember much of it. I called her the lady.
I hated going. I would refuse to speak to her,
So I don't really have a lot of memories of
that experience. Besides the fact she was older, I had
no idea how old. She could have been thirty and
I was like, she's old, or she could have been
(10:01):
like seventy.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
I have no idea.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
But I didn't go back until maybe a little bit
before I went back to grad school, and I was like,
I was gonna go do this without realizing what I'm doing.
It's like I don't I'm fine, but I'm gonna help
everybody else.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
Oh it was so eye opening. Our program made us
go too.
Speaker 5 (10:24):
When I was in my program, we didn't, but I
know we did beforehand, Like I know my program made
you beforehand. But I honestly it was more about money
for me, Like in in college and in graduate school,
I was like pretty stressed financially, like I had always
had a job I had to like it was more.
It was way more like financial than anything. I would
have loved to go to therapy in college. After college,
(10:46):
I would have loved to be in it for longer
than I have been. But like when I really could
start is when I was making actual money as a therapist.
Speaker 4 (10:53):
And you are coming from an experience where it wasn't
very helpful for me and I never went back. So okay,
I get that, Joya.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
What about you, Well, I feel like I'm continuing the
theme with like having an older therapist as your presentist.
So my mom found me this therapist when I was fifteen,
and I was similarly very depressed, very angsty, and she
was a really nice woman. She was probably also sixty
and she had a very maternal vibe to her, which
(11:26):
was sweet. But sorry, Mom, I know you're gonna listen
to this. I was having issues with you when I
was fifteen, as any fifteen year old would, and I
think the fact that this therapist was maternal was kind
of hard for me because I wanted to feel like
I had to be good for her and that was
like the larger issue I needed to work on in
(11:46):
and outside of therapy. But I never fully built trust
with this woman, so we couldn't work through that in
our relationship. And then maybe like five sessions in, she
comes to the session and is like, so listen, I'm
actually leaving. I'm going to start my own private practice.
So you're gonna get transferred to this younger therapist. And
(12:07):
in my mind I was like, heck, yes, I'm so
glad you're firing me.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
I didn't know, because I didn't know that.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
I could like say I don't think this is a
good fit. I didn't have those words like and I'm
a people pleaser, so I would have never fired her.
But I got transferred to this younger therapist who was amazing.
It just was better for that age for me, and
I remember, Josie, we probably would have not been friends
after I.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Tell you this story.
Speaker 4 (12:32):
I had the opposite experience.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
She was like telling me I was working through like
you know, people pleasing, and she said, Okay, before this
session ends, I want you to tell me did you
do the feelings chart? No, we didn't do the feelings start.
It's probably why I liked her. She said, I want
you to tell me one thing you don't like about me,
and that was like horrendous for me. So I sat
(12:56):
there for several minutes in silence, trying to think of something,
and then finally I said, I don't like that you
cuss in sessions. No way, yeah, because I was like,
really a goody two shoes to.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Cuss in sessions?
Speaker 3 (13:11):
Now?
Speaker 4 (13:12):
Yes? Oh my, I love that that your yah. I
love that you are actually able to say that, because
that's one thing I say in my intakes, which we're
getting more into, like what it's like to for your
first session, and my intakes, I always make it a
point to say I want you to know that this
is like an open space and this is your space,
not my space, and I'm going to be really open,
(13:35):
and I want you to be open with me. So
if I make a face at you that you don't like,
or I say something you don't agree with, or I
say something that you think is mean, I want you
to share that with me and tell me.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
But I know these people are not really calling me
out when that happens.
Speaker 4 (13:50):
And so that's such a good thing for her to
directly have you do that.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
It was so hard to I like said I'm sorry afterwards,
and I felt like I couldn't go back, But it
was so important to do that with her, and it
was safe, obviously to do that with her, And I
probably could have never done that with the.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Because it's your space.
Speaker 4 (14:08):
And I think when you go to therapy and there's
one thing of the therapist, it's just totally not for you, right.
But if there's just a couple things or like I
know I've said I've said things that have hurt my
client's feelings, and sometimes they leave. I know one time
she left and she's like, didn't schedule for a couple
of months, and then she came back and eventually talked
(14:29):
about it. It's a skill to work on and It's
part of what therapy is, with that open communication to say, hey,
my needs aren't getting really met here, and I think
they can get met if I ask for them.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
But we are taught to stay or go to be
like this is fine.
Speaker 4 (14:45):
I'll just like suck it up and let you do that,
or I'm gonna ghost you. I also had a thought,
I feel like the stereotypical therapist is a sixty year
old woman with like glasses and a cardigan.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Well did your mom find you that therapist? Yes, okay,
so did mine. And I think that was just normal.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
Yeah, but they were.
Speaker 5 (15:05):
Looking for someone who had experience in the field.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
But I can't wait to be that woman too, Like,
shout out to the therapists that are that age, because
you probably have a lot of experience. And I look
like I'm twelve right now, so sometimes people don't think
that I'm fit for this job. But oh, when i'm sixty,
maybe I will.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
I think that's interesting.
Speaker 4 (15:26):
I went to school with some people that were a
little older and my cohort, and their experiences and internship
were so different than ours because people assumed they'd been
doing it for a long time and I'm like, no,
we're the same time period. I know just as much
as her, or we both know nothing anyway, Okay, so
(15:51):
we're gonna get into the questions that you guys sent
to in which might lead to other things.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
And the point of this is just to talk about what.
Speaker 4 (16:00):
It might be like for you to walk into your
first session and what you can expect. Again, like we
all just spoke about, your first experience is going to
be different than somebody else's first experience, and so there's
always going to be an air of unknown and that
is something you can actually talk about with your therapists.
(16:20):
I firmly believe that when we call something out it
makes things a bill jillion times easier. So if I
tell somebody, hey, I'm really nervous about this whatever, I
no longer have to spend energy trying to act like
I'm not nervous, and I just get to be nervous
and there's an essence of relaxation in that. So if
you walk into the room for the first time and
(16:42):
your therapist says how are you doing, you're allowed to
say I'm freaking out or I don't really know what
to do, or how much time am I allowed to
answer that. You're allowed to just say what's on your mind.
That's the point is when we ask you questions, we
really would like to know the answer.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
So let's get into this.
Speaker 4 (16:59):
The first question, which is really good, is what if
I find it hard to open up or talk during
my session?
Speaker 1 (17:08):
So what would you say? I have had both ends
of this.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
I've had people who come in and are just ready
to share and I am ready to listen. And then
there are people who come in and are like, not
sure how this works and don't necessarily say that, but
are definitely sitting there uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Giving one more to answers.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Giving one word answers, hesitant, don't really know where to
where to go or what to say. And I think
I'm very comfortable reading the room, and if you are
sitting there silently looking awkward, I'm not going to make
you sit there, especially in our first session. I'm gonna
ask questions and help kind of lead and guide the conversation.
(17:52):
But I think it's allowed to be uncomfortable because I'm
a stranger for all you know, and you're still learning
to trust me, and that's totally normal, especially if this
is your first time in therapy. How else would you
know unless you watched it on TV, which is not
accurate the time.
Speaker 4 (18:08):
I believe that wholeheartedly. It makes sense that it would
be hard to open up because you don't know who
we are. So why would I walk into a room
and immediately spill my guts. I mean, some people can
do that, and that doesn't mean that it's bad or wrong.
But if you can't do that, that probably just means
you're in the process of building trust. And silence isn't
(18:30):
always bad.
Speaker 5 (18:32):
And I feel like it's helpful, Like then we know
where to go, so I'll have you know. I've had
a client for the first time that's like buckle up, like,
here we go, let's get into it.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
I'm ready.
Speaker 5 (18:43):
And then I've had others that are like you said, Julia,
like more quiet, feeling uncomfortable, like duh, this is really uncomfortable.
But then I know where I'm gonna go during the
next session. Okay, So like, if you're feeling uncomfortable and awkward,
then let's work on building the relationship a little bit more.
Let's play like feelings jengas we've talked about.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Let's get to know each.
Speaker 5 (19:01):
Other a little bit more like it's helpful to know
now we know where to go for the next few sessions.
Speaker 4 (19:07):
This metaphor might not pan out, but when you are
the doctor, most of the time it's impossible. We cannot
like reorganize our organs and change them when we go
to the doctor and or like we're getting some kind
of scan or blood work, we cannot change what our
blood is. Just like, as a therapist, we're not expecting
(19:29):
you to change who you are when you come into
the room, so we actually need to see you how
you really would respond. We don't need you to pretend
to be somebody you're not and fill the space if
you don't know how to fill the space. So it's
kind of weird because it's like, well, then you're analyzing me. Yes,
that's literally our jobs is to analyze you and in
a safe way where we're trying to help you, not
(19:50):
harm you or make fun of you or shame you
or any of that.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
Come as you are, Come as you are. Number two,
How many sessions does it take to know if your
therapist is the right fit?
Speaker 5 (20:04):
It just depends on the client and the therapist.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Like that.
Speaker 4 (20:09):
I love this question because it's such a question that
like somebody who is going to therapy to like figure
things out, I need to know the formula to It
reminds of like Brene Brown when she's going to therapy
with the first time and her therapist is like, Okay,
we're not using a measuring stick, We're not taking this data.
It's like, I need to know how many sessions until
this thing will be done? And there's not an answer
(20:29):
for that.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
I don't think there's an answer.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
I don't think there is a true answer either. I
think that you could see someone for a year and
it was really good for that year, and then that
becomes no longer a fit for you, or you could
see them for four sessions and be like, no, this
isn't it. But I do believe in like having benchmark
check ins with yourself and therapy and maybe like I
don't know what it is. This is a random number,
(20:52):
but like every month or if you're going weekly every month,
be like, okay, is this working for me?
Speaker 1 (20:56):
Is does this feel good? Can I trust them?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Am I getting where I want to go?
Speaker 4 (21:00):
I would also wonder what a person wondering this is
looking for and what they mean by the right fit,
because that could mean a lot of things. If I'm
looking for the right fit, is who I feel the
most comfortable with, or who is giving me exactly what
I need, who is doing what I want? Like, there's
(21:21):
so many versions of what that could mean. And sometimes
the right fit is something that's going to continue to
be uncomfortable and push you, and sometimes the right fit
in a different season might mean something else. And so
I think before you can even give an adjusted or
estimate to that question, you would really have to be
(21:42):
super aware of what is my idea of a good fit,
And that also can be different depending on the season
of life you're in.
Speaker 5 (21:50):
And I think it's more of a feeling than a number,
like yeah, it's hard to put like a number on
how many sessions, but it's like, really just how you're
feeling about it and what's your gut telling you about
this relationship.
Speaker 4 (22:01):
Isn't it nice when you ask a therapist questions and
they don't ever really answer the question.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Answer it with.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
How I'm feeling? All right?
Speaker 4 (22:12):
The third question, what kind of questions is a therapist
going to ask during a first session? What kind of
questions is a therapist going to ask during a first session?
Speaker 5 (22:27):
Okay, so When I first started, I was very structured
because I was working at a company where we took insurance. Like, Okay,
if your therapist takes insurance, it's going to have to
be much more structured than a therapist that doesn't take insurance,
because you have to submit certain forms to insurance. So
you're going to go through history and medications and family
(22:48):
and goals and why you're seeking counseling and are you
using alcohol, Like just a bunch of questions about yourself
that have to be hit basically by the end of
that session in the next session so that insurance has
that information and we'll cover your sessions. But as I've
gone into private pay, I feel like I'm much more
(23:08):
relaxed in terms of like going where the client needs
to go of like I have kind of a range
of things I want to check in on family while
we're here, goals, but overall, like if the client's coming
in like really needing to talk about something, I'm completely
comfortable talking about that something, and I just it kind
(23:28):
of goes more with what the client needs in that session.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
I definitely will ask you so many questions about your family,
because I follow that cliche that our family really cliche
because it's true, because it's true. That's a lot of
attachment theory too, which I love. And so I mean,
I think there's always something to talk about with your family,
and if not, if you're not.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Ready for that yet, that's okay too.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
But at the end of a session, I usually or
an intake, I usually like to ask some sort of question,
like if I ran into you a year from now
on the street and we were catching up, what do
you want to be different in your life than how
do you want to be what? What do you want
to be different? Because that helps kind of think about
goals and how you want to feel and all these
(24:16):
things that can kind of guide us to reaching those goals.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
And that's a.
Speaker 4 (24:21):
Really good visual instead of what do you want to
work on? I mean, I asked that, but that's a
really good helps you look at the question differently, almost
gives you it sounds easier to answer that. And I
want to start you saying that.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
It's funny you ask about family.
Speaker 5 (24:36):
I ask about.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
Body image every time.
Speaker 5 (24:39):
I mean, because most of the clients I'm seeing eating disorder,
but like that's what we're here for. So that's like
something I typically try to.
Speaker 4 (24:46):
Hit and your first session is going again to be
different depending on where you are. If you haven't done
it intake session then and this is a first session,
you might not have to answer all these questions. If
you have done it in take session this session and
might go a different direction and you might start doing something.
But I would look at a first session as I'm
getting to know this person and there trying to get
(25:07):
to know me, and that's what I use it for.
You're also probably going to go over some policies and
things that are like okay, la la la la la.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I can just get to the point, but they have
to be said. Therapists have to go over confidentiality.
Speaker 4 (25:21):
I really enjoy going over just certain policies I have
so there's never any confusion in the later periods because
we know you don't always read the forms that you sign,
and I know that because I don't always read the
forms that I sign, and so I like to do that.
But I would go into that with the idea that
(25:41):
your therapist is going to want to get to know you,
so they're going to ask you questions that help them
get to know you. And I hear so often at
the end of sessions. I don't know about y'all. My
clients will say I feel like I just talked about
everything and nothing, or I feel like I blacked out,
because if you are feeling out of emotion, you just
are like in it and then you're like, wait, it's over.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
How did we get here?
Speaker 2 (26:05):
I had a client once at the end of an INTAKEO,
oh my gosh, you just talked so much about myself.
We didn't even get to talk about you.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
That's exactly what you do here. Yeah, and we're not
gonna talk about me. Yes by design? Okay, next question.
Speaker 4 (26:22):
I think this is a therapist asking this like a
new therapist asking this for the perspective of a therapist.
As a therapist, how do you prepare for a new
client and what are some of the ways you try
to ease the discomfort of a first timer.
Speaker 5 (26:35):
I think it's important so on our intake form that
we use or I think me and Kat have the
same one, but Julius is different, but it asks I'm
sure Julie is that's the same thing.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Have you been a therapy before?
Speaker 5 (26:46):
That's really important knowing like I just had a new
client today that's been like five times, but yesterday I
had a new client who's never been before, and like
it's really helpful to know what that person is coming
in with in terms of are we are we anxious?
Are we excited because we've done this million times? And
when we want to keep rolling? So like that's first
and foremost is knowing if they've been to therapy before. Also,
(27:09):
are like an intake form I guess if this is
for our therapist is so important because it, like ours,
is pretty intent extent whoa extensive where like even before
they walk in the door, I know a lot of
things about them. So that's like really important for me
is reading through I read through the intake form probably
(27:29):
like two or three times before I see that client.
So that's just priority for me is reading through that
several times and like even having another list of like Okay,
I want to ask more about this, ask more about this,
ask more about this on the side, so I am
like pretty prepared going into it, and then just like
a new client that's never been a therapy before, I'm
(27:52):
really intentional about like how are you feeling about being here?
Speaker 4 (27:54):
Like how is this for you?
Speaker 5 (27:56):
Of like really starting with like where we at, how
are we feeling about this before we get anywhere else
in session.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
I think sometimes it's about managing my own discomfort with
meeting a new client, because I also get afraid, and
I get afraid that they're gonna be nervous, and then
I'm gonna be nervous, and then we're just all gonna
be nervous together.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
And then once I get through.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
That spiral, I'm like, oh wait, we're all human and
I'm just gonna meet another human, and I want to
make them feel like they're just doing that too, Like
I'm not gonna be this clinical monster who's gonna look
down on you. I want you to come in. I
really am about hospitality, so I feel like our therapy
room is like you're entering my professional house. I'm not
gonna have you over to my house, but this this
(28:39):
is my professional house, and I'm welcoming you in.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
I'm gonna be hospital to you.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
And if a client feels, if I'm sense that they're
kind of uncomfortable, I'm not afraid to like stray away
in that first session from the hard stuff. And if
they bring up like their dog and they seem really
excited about it, let's talk about your dog. For a
couple of minutes and cool off. Yeah, just to humans
trying to connect with one another. It's when I remind myself.
Speaker 4 (29:03):
I really like that, and I really believe in normalizing
the experience of being a human. So saying like, I
know the first session is weird, or I know what
can be weird That I just asked you what your
deepest trauma is and that's a weird expectation that I
would think you would answer that you don't know me.
(29:24):
So normalizing the experience that it is. This is not
a normal thing that we're doing. You don't do. Hopefully
you are not going around on the street sharing this
stuff with everybody. And a lot of the things that
people are coming to talk about are things that they
never intended on telling anybody.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
So that's really important. And the space.
Speaker 4 (29:43):
I worked in an office, and if my clients are listening,
they might be like, yeah, I still dream about that
office or have nightmares about the office. I worked at
one office that was really dark and cramped and it
just felt a little I didn't feel.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Like you could like lounge and wait and be peaceful.
Speaker 4 (30:06):
And then I worked to another office that one didn't
have windows in the waiting room felt like a doctor's office.
So when we moved into this building, Crystal and I,
the dietician who's actually been on the podcast multiple times,
who leased this office together, this building really were intentional
about we wanted to feel like a home and not
a doctor's office because we both were in that other place.
(30:28):
So using furniture that wouldn't be in a doctor's office,
putting things on the wall that feel nice to read.
We created a coffee not a coffee station, a te station.
But you know, it's really hard to make sure that's
always filled up, so it's in process. But I think
that's one thing that I always wanted is a place
(30:48):
that felt like I could just like sit here.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
I've walked out into.
Speaker 4 (30:53):
The waiting room and my clients have been asleep on
the couch, and I'm like, this is what I want.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
I love that.
Speaker 4 (30:58):
Okay, this might be the last question, and I love
this question. How do you get over the fear of
embarrassment knowing you will cry the entire time? I can
answer this one?
Speaker 1 (31:11):
Okay, do it?
Speaker 2 (31:11):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (31:12):
Okay, well one, I have been that person. So I
want everybody to hear that your therapists are human beings.
So we are not immune from feelings obviously, because we're
human beings. Therefore, it only makes sense that we might
have had similar experiences to you. And all humans have
the same emotions. We don't have separate emotions for certain
(31:32):
kinds of people. We don't always all allow ourselves to
feel the range of those emotions, but we all have
the same ones. And I have been this client a
couple of years ago. This must have been five or
six years ago. I went to a new therapist and
I don't even know if I made any sense. It
was like hysteric, like noise crying, you know, and the
(31:54):
therapists looked terrified, and that actually wasn't a good fit.
And then I went to another therapist and the same thing,
and she made me feel very at ease and responded
in a really awesome way. But I would say, to
answer this question, there's nothing to get over, because it's
actually not embarrassing to express your emotions in a therapeutic office.
It's to me not embarrassing to express your emotions in general. However,
(32:17):
culture has taught us differently, so I don't know if
the answer to this is how to get over that
fear of embarrassment. It's how to shift your mind and
how can I change the way I think about sharing
my emotions with somebody because I want to see, Like
we said earlier, I want to see somebody's real experience.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
I don't want to have.
Speaker 4 (32:40):
A manicured presentation of who you are, because then I
really can't help you as well.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
So this is probably unique to me, and I think
this is where my husband says, sometimes I don't sound
like a therapist, but I sound like maybe a serial killer.
But I get really excited when people cry in session,
especially if it's the first time, because that is brave
to do. And I always say to clients because a
lot of clients apologize for crying in therapy, and I'm like,
(33:09):
this is the place to do it. You're in the
right place to be crying, and so if you're gonna
cry the whole session, I'm so glad. I'm so glad
you can feel like you can do that, and I
want to help you do that. And there's no shame,
Like you said, there's no shame. I get so happy
when people cry in session.
Speaker 4 (33:25):
Yeah, I said the other day to one of y'all,
I think that I had a client for years, and
I was like.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
She cried today, Yeah you did.
Speaker 4 (33:34):
And it does sound like a zero, but it's not
because we want you to feel miserable. It's because when
you allow yourself to drop down into your emotions, that
signifies some essence of safety and some essence of you
allowing your body to do what it needs to do,
and we are conditioned to kind of rebuke that, and
therapy is a way to actually go back to the
(33:57):
way we're meant to be and experience ourselves.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
So girl, I don't think you have to get over that.
Speaker 4 (34:03):
So I hope that this conversation was helpful. I know
there's no way we can cover every single detail of
what a first session is supposed to be like, because
one they're all different into there's too many pieces to that.
And I would be here for years, and you know
I would because I love to talk.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
So I hope that was helpful.
Speaker 4 (34:24):
If you have more questions, you can always send them
to me Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com
if you would like to connect with any of us
specifically around therapy and doing that yourself. If you live
in the state of Tennessee, you can go to three
courts therapy dot com and you can contact any of
us myself, Josie, Julia, or Stacy who is not here
(34:44):
with us today. If you want to connect with us
on Instagram, you can follow the podcast at You Need
Therapy Podcast. You can follow Julia's public Instagram at the
Self Compassion counselor. Josie sadly does not have a public
in Instagram, but you can find her sometimes in her
face sometimes over at three Quarts Therapy on Instagram. So
(35:06):
that's going to do it for us today. Thanks you
guys for coming and having this conversation with me, and
I hope you guys have.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
The day you need to have. Bye,
Coming up on you need therapy.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I was working through like you know, people pleasing, and
she said, Okay, before this session ends, I want you
to tell me one thing you don't like about me.
And that was like horrendous for me. So I sat
there for several minutes in silence, trying to think of something,
and then finally I said, I don't like that you
cussing sessions.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
I started to realize that not being an expert isn't
a liability, it's a real gift.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
If we don't know something about ourselves at this point
in our life.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
It's probably because it's uncomfortable to know.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
If you can die before you die, then you can
really live. There's a wisdom at death's door.
Speaker 4 (00:46):
I thought I was insane.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Yeah, and I didn't know what to do because there
was no internet.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel like everything
is hard.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Hey, y'all, my name is Kat.
Speaker 4 (00:59):
I'm a first and a licensed therapist second, and right
now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope encourage
you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others,
and the world around you.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Welcome to you need therapy?
Speaker 4 (01:17):
Hi, guys, and welcome to a new episode of You
Need Therapy Podcast.
Speaker 1 (01:20):
My name is kat I am the host.
Speaker 4 (01:23):
And quick reminder up top that although this podcast is
hosted by a therapists and you're actually going to be
hearing from three therapists today, this does not serve as
a replacement or a substitute for any actual mental health services. However,
we always hope that whatever you hear can help you
in some way. Today I have two of three courts
(01:44):
therapies therapists here to help talk about what it's like
to start the therapeutic process, what it's like to go
to your first therapy session, what to expect, what feelings
might come up, and all that really great anxiety provoking stuff.
So I have Josie here Hi, who has been on
(02:08):
recently Yes to talk about time. I said welcome, and
so instead up Hi.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
He said welcome, thank you. Okay, well welcome and that's
the show. Yeah.
Speaker 4 (02:18):
And then we have Julia who was actually here on
last Wednesday.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Hello, welcome, Yes.
Speaker 4 (02:25):
And I brought them on because what we're talking about
is not a one size fits all kind of situation.
Not every single therapist is going to do things the
same and not everybody's going to have the same experience,
even if you're going to see the same therapist. So
I thought it would be a great idea to hear
a couple different perspectives. And one thing I know personally
(02:47):
and hear a lot is how difficult it is to
take the step to actually go to therapy for the
first time.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Once you get in.
Speaker 4 (02:57):
The door and once you actually see what is going on,
usually that anxiety can ease, but the unknown is really, really,
really hard for people to push through. So we're going
to talk about what the unknown might include. So I
have some questions that you guys, actually listeners have sent
in that they are curious about with first sessions and
(03:20):
starting therapy. But I wanted to start by me, Josie
and Julia or is it Josie, Julia and I? Which
way is correct? I, Josie, Julian and I. Well, I'm
saying it both ways, and you guys can receive whichever
one is correct. But we're going to start by talking
about our own experiences and what they were like.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
And these might.
Speaker 4 (03:41):
Include positive experiences, they might include difficult experiences.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
But I want each of us.
Speaker 4 (03:47):
To go around and talk about what it was like
for us the first time we ever went to therapy,
and maybe what it was like if you've been to
multiple therapists different times, you've met those therapists.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
Does anybody want to first?
Speaker 5 (04:00):
I can go Okay, this is Josie my first experience.
I actually liked talking about because it was one of
the reasons I became a therapist. So my parents sent
me or my mom sent me to therapy in high school.
I was feeling pretty depressed. I gotten like this really
dark hole. She sent me to therapy and it was
(04:21):
an older therapist.
Speaker 4 (04:23):
And as wait when you say older, you're in high school.
Speaker 5 (04:27):
If you had a guess like fifties, sixties, okay, a
different generation, Like for sure, like many away from.
Speaker 4 (04:34):
Me, my friend, you know you're so much closer now, Joe.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
Say your age as a little.
Speaker 4 (04:42):
Like seventeen year old.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
It's eight years old, a little.
Speaker 4 (04:46):
Like seventeen year old. I was walking in and I.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
Was like, who was this woman?
Speaker 4 (04:51):
Yeah, that could be your grandmother, Yes, could.
Speaker 5 (04:53):
Be in my grand It was like, yeah, grandmother vibes,
And like one of the first things we talked about
was she do you know that little like mag that
goes on the fridge and it has feelings on it
and you move the little square around to your different
feeling and there's faces. That was one of the first
things that she did with me, and I was like, girl,
I am not five. I was a little sassy seventeen
year old. That made me feel like I was about
(05:16):
like five years old looking at it now, she didn't
really like assess and like meet me where I was right.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
That might be something she did with every single class.
Speaker 5 (05:25):
Yes, but just like where I was coming in, it
wasn't the vibe for me. So then I think we
had like one or two sessions, and a big thing
was I mean I was in high school drinking with
my friends on the weekends, and that was a huge
problem for her. Like as soon as I brought up
that I was drinking with my friends on the weekends,
(05:45):
it was like we've got to stop that, I'm gonna
tell your parents, which like fine, but like it's got
to stop, or like we're not gonna get anywhere, and
I was like, I am seventeen. I'm not listening to this.
I just didn't. I didn't want to be there. I
remember like I was like cussing at some points, and
she like felt like she was uncomfortable with that because
she like, I'm very much of like if my client
(06:07):
is cussing, or like my adolescent client, or I'm gonna
meet them where they are and I'm.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Gonna cuss use their language.
Speaker 5 (06:12):
Yes, I've known therapists that do not cuss, like it's
just not part of like their every day and they
use it when you're with an ado in session and
like means some where they are. So there was just
like a bunch of stuff that happened, and I hated
it and I never went back and like thank God
for my friends pulling me out of that hole. But
like how much of a difference would it have made
(06:33):
if she had met me where I am? Which is
like really important for when I work with adolescents now,
of like I know what TikTok is, you can send
me tiktoks, I know what you're talking about, Like I
know all the trends that you're talking about. I can
sit and cuss with you, and I know I've like
been in their exact same position. So it's really like, now,
knowing the experience that I have, I'm like really intentional
(06:54):
about relating to my adolescence.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Oh that's nice.
Speaker 5 (06:58):
I'm so glad it happened because I also I remember
thinking like as I get older, I was like, oh
my god, like she could have done that so differently,
and like, also, not every therapist is your match.
Speaker 4 (07:08):
Obviously she was definitely a match for a million.
Speaker 5 (07:10):
Other people, but I was just like, she could have
done that so much differently and I could have really
benefited from it.
Speaker 4 (07:17):
I'm glad you said that not every therapist is for everybody.
It doesn't necessarily mean she was bad at what she did.
She just wasn't for you. And thinking about that, therapy
has evolved so much so therapists that were trained twenty
thirty years ago are going to have been trained differently
(07:37):
than somebody who just graduated to somebody who graduated ten
years ago like I did.
Speaker 1 (07:42):
And Eh, that seems.
Speaker 4 (07:45):
Weird to say, but it doesn't mean that anybody's wrong. However,
it does give me the reminder that I always need
to be continuing to educate myself. Yes, because we're always
learning more about what is the most helpful, and that's
what that's with every single occupation there is and career
there is. So that doesn't mean that all older therapists
(08:06):
are going to be like that either. But it does happen, yeah,
because it's like, well, I've been doing it. I worked
with the guy who was actually a fabulous, like incredible therapist,
but you would always say.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Well, this is how we did it for fifteen years.
Speaker 4 (08:20):
And I'm like, okay, but it's like twenty fifteen now,
and we got to shift with the times, which was
hard for him because he'd seen that work so much.
But then we were seeing it not work anymore. So
I'm glad you said that. Hopefully she you know, has
been evolving it, she's still a cup of tea.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (08:38):
And then my parents didn't, like they didn't know, they didn't,
you know, push me to try someone else.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
It's like, all right, I guess therapy didn't work.
Speaker 4 (08:44):
Yeah, when really, Yeah, I'm glad you are saying all that,
because that doesn't mean therapy doesn't work.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
It means you need something a little different.
Speaker 5 (08:51):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
When did you go back to therapy the first time?
Speaker 5 (08:54):
Oh my god, not until like a year or so ago. No, No, okay,
I feel that I became a therapist before I went
to my own therapy, which is kind of scary to
think about. Now. But I literally did not go to
therapy until like a year ago, and I was remember
being so nervous. Well, I was like on the couch,
like shaking because I had been on her position. Of course,
(09:16):
I'd been the therapist already, Like I'd never been in
like this position since I was little. And it wasn't
a positive experience. Yeah, I was like so nervous the
whole time. And she was amazing. She still is amazing.
She's still my therapist. But it was like a really
positive experience.
Speaker 4 (09:31):
You become such a better therapist by going to therapy, yep,
by having that experience.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
And I am glad you admitted.
Speaker 4 (09:40):
That because I went to grad school wanting to be
a therapist. I went to therapy when I was really young.
I don't remember much of it. I called her the lady.
I hated going. I would refuse to speak to her,
So I don't really have a lot of memories of
that experience. Besides the fact she was older, I had
no idea how old. She could have been thirty and
I was like, she's old, or she could have been
(10:01):
like seventy.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
I have no idea.
Speaker 4 (10:03):
But I didn't go back until maybe a little bit
before I went back to grad school, and I was like,
I was gonna go do this without realizing what I'm doing.
It's like I don't I'm fine, but I'm gonna help
everybody else.
Speaker 1 (10:21):
Oh it was so eye opening. Our program made us
go too.
Speaker 5 (10:24):
When I was in my program, we didn't, but I
know we did beforehand, Like I know my program made
you beforehand. But I honestly it was more about money
for me, Like in in college and in graduate school,
I was like pretty stressed financially, like I had always
had a job I had to like it was more.
It was way more like financial than anything. I would
have loved to go to therapy in college. After college,
(10:46):
I would have loved to be in it for longer
than I have been. But like when I really could
start is when I was making actual money as a therapist.
Speaker 4 (10:53):
And you are coming from an experience where it wasn't
very helpful for me and I never went back. So okay,
I get that, Joya.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
What about you, Well, I feel like I'm continuing the
theme with like having an older therapist as your presentist.
So my mom found me this therapist when I was fifteen,
and I was similarly very depressed, very angsty, and she
was a really nice woman. She was probably also sixty
and she had a very maternal vibe to her, which
(11:26):
was sweet. But sorry, Mom, I know you're gonna listen
to this. I was having issues with you when I
was fifteen, as any fifteen year old would, and I
think the fact that this therapist was maternal was kind
of hard for me because I wanted to feel like
I had to be good for her and that was
like the larger issue I needed to work on in
(11:46):
and outside of therapy. But I never fully built trust
with this woman, so we couldn't work through that in
our relationship. And then maybe like five sessions in, she
comes to the session and is like, so listen, I'm
actually leaving. I'm going to start my own private practice.
So you're gonna get transferred to this younger therapist. And
(12:07):
in my mind I was like, heck, yes, I'm so
glad you're firing me.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
I didn't know, because I didn't know that.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
I could like say I don't think this is a
good fit. I didn't have those words like and I'm
a people pleaser, so I would have never fired her.
But I got transferred to this younger therapist who was amazing.
It just was better for that age for me, and
I remember, Josie, we probably would have not been friends
after I.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Tell you this story.
Speaker 4 (12:32):
I had the opposite experience.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
She was like telling me I was working through like
you know, people pleasing, and she said, Okay, before this
session ends, I want you to tell me did you
do the feelings chart? No, we didn't do the feelings start.
It's probably why I liked her. She said, I want
you to tell me one thing you don't like about me,
and that was like horrendous for me. So I sat
(12:56):
there for several minutes in silence, trying to think of something,
and then finally I said, I don't like that you
cuss in sessions. No way, yeah, because I was like,
really a goody two shoes to.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Cuss in sessions?
Speaker 3 (13:11):
Now?
Speaker 4 (13:12):
Yes? Oh my, I love that that your yah. I
love that you are actually able to say that, because
that's one thing I say in my intakes, which we're
getting more into, like what it's like to for your
first session, and my intakes, I always make it a
point to say I want you to know that this
is like an open space and this is your space,
not my space, and I'm going to be really open,
(13:35):
and I want you to be open with me. So
if I make a face at you that you don't like,
or I say something you don't agree with, or I
say something that you think is mean, I want you
to share that with me and tell me.
Speaker 1 (13:46):
But I know these people are not really calling me
out when that happens.
Speaker 4 (13:50):
And so that's such a good thing for her to
directly have you do that.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
It was so hard to I like said I'm sorry afterwards,
and I felt like I couldn't go back, But it
was so important to do that with her, and it
was safe, obviously to do that with her, And I
probably could have never done that with the.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Because it's your space.
Speaker 4 (14:08):
And I think when you go to therapy and there's
one thing of the therapist, it's just totally not for you, right.
But if there's just a couple things or like I
know I've said I've said things that have hurt my
client's feelings, and sometimes they leave. I know one time
she left and she's like, didn't schedule for a couple
of months, and then she came back and eventually talked
(14:29):
about it. It's a skill to work on and It's
part of what therapy is, with that open communication to say, hey,
my needs aren't getting really met here, and I think
they can get met if I ask for them.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
But we are taught to stay or go to be
like this is fine.
Speaker 4 (14:45):
I'll just like suck it up and let you do that,
or I'm gonna ghost you. I also had a thought,
I feel like the stereotypical therapist is a sixty year
old woman with like glasses and a cardigan.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Well did your mom find you that therapist? Yes, okay,
so did mine. And I think that was just normal.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
Yeah, but they were.
Speaker 5 (15:05):
Looking for someone who had experience in the field.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
But I can't wait to be that woman too, Like,
shout out to the therapists that are that age, because
you probably have a lot of experience. And I look
like I'm twelve right now, so sometimes people don't think
that I'm fit for this job. But oh, when i'm sixty,
maybe I will.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
I think that's interesting.
Speaker 4 (15:26):
I went to school with some people that were a
little older and my cohort, and their experiences and internship
were so different than ours because people assumed they'd been
doing it for a long time and I'm like, no,
we're the same time period. I know just as much
as her, or we both know nothing anyway, Okay, so
(15:51):
we're gonna get into the questions that you guys sent
to in which might lead to other things.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
And the point of this is just to talk about what.
Speaker 4 (16:00):
It might be like for you to walk into your
first session and what you can expect. Again, like we
all just spoke about, your first experience is going to
be different than somebody else's first experience, and so there's
always going to be an air of unknown and that
is something you can actually talk about with your therapists.
(16:20):
I firmly believe that when we call something out it
makes things a bill jillion times easier. So if I
tell somebody, hey, I'm really nervous about this whatever, I
no longer have to spend energy trying to act like
I'm not nervous, and I just get to be nervous
and there's an essence of relaxation in that. So if
you walk into the room for the first time and
(16:42):
your therapist says how are you doing, you're allowed to
say I'm freaking out or I don't really know what
to do, or how much time am I allowed to
answer that. You're allowed to just say what's on your mind.
That's the point is when we ask you questions, we
really would like to know the answer.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
So let's get into this.
Speaker 4 (16:59):
The first question, which is really good, is what if
I find it hard to open up or talk during
my session?
Speaker 1 (17:08):
So what would you say? I have had both ends
of this.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
I've had people who come in and are just ready
to share and I am ready to listen. And then
there are people who come in and are like, not
sure how this works and don't necessarily say that, but
are definitely sitting there uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Giving one more to answers.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Giving one word answers, hesitant, don't really know where to
where to go or what to say. And I think
I'm very comfortable reading the room, and if you are
sitting there silently looking awkward, I'm not going to make
you sit there, especially in our first session. I'm gonna
ask questions and help kind of lead and guide the conversation.
(17:52):
But I think it's allowed to be uncomfortable because I'm
a stranger for all you know, and you're still learning
to trust me, and that's totally normal, especially if this
is your first time in therapy. How else would you
know unless you watched it on TV, which is not
accurate the time.
Speaker 4 (18:08):
I believe that wholeheartedly. It makes sense that it would
be hard to open up because you don't know who
we are. So why would I walk into a room
and immediately spill my guts. I mean, some people can
do that, and that doesn't mean that it's bad or wrong.
But if you can't do that, that probably just means
you're in the process of building trust. And silence isn't
(18:30):
always bad.
Speaker 5 (18:32):
And I feel like it's helpful, Like then we know
where to go, so I'll have you know. I've had
a client for the first time that's like buckle up, like,
here we go, let's get into it.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
I'm ready.
Speaker 5 (18:43):
And then I've had others that are like you said, Julia,
like more quiet, feeling uncomfortable, like duh, this is really uncomfortable.
But then I know where I'm gonna go during the
next session. Okay, So like, if you're feeling uncomfortable and awkward,
then let's work on building the relationship a little bit more.
Let's play like feelings jengas we've talked about.
Speaker 1 (19:00):
Let's get to know each.
Speaker 5 (19:01):
Other a little bit more like it's helpful to know
now we know where to go for the next few sessions.
Speaker 4 (19:07):
This metaphor might not pan out, but when you are
the doctor, most of the time it's impossible. We cannot
like reorganize our organs and change them when we go
to the doctor and or like we're getting some kind
of scan or blood work, we cannot change what our
blood is. Just like, as a therapist, we're not expecting
(19:29):
you to change who you are when you come into
the room, so we actually need to see you how
you really would respond. We don't need you to pretend
to be somebody you're not and fill the space if
you don't know how to fill the space. So it's
kind of weird because it's like, well, then you're analyzing me. Yes,
that's literally our jobs is to analyze you and in
a safe way where we're trying to help you, not
(19:50):
harm you or make fun of you or shame you
or any of that.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
Come as you are, Come as you are. Number two,
How many sessions does it take to know if your
therapist is the right fit?
Speaker 5 (20:04):
It just depends on the client and the therapist.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Like that.
Speaker 4 (20:09):
I love this question because it's such a question that
like somebody who is going to therapy to like figure
things out, I need to know the formula to It
reminds of like Brene Brown when she's going to therapy
with the first time and her therapist is like, Okay,
we're not using a measuring stick, We're not taking this data.
It's like, I need to know how many sessions until
this thing will be done? And there's not an answer
(20:29):
for that.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
I don't think there's an answer.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
I don't think there is a true answer either. I
think that you could see someone for a year and
it was really good for that year, and then that
becomes no longer a fit for you, or you could
see them for four sessions and be like, no, this
isn't it. But I do believe in like having benchmark
check ins with yourself and therapy and maybe like I
don't know what it is. This is a random number,
(20:52):
but like every month or if you're going weekly every month,
be like, okay, is this working for me?
Speaker 1 (20:56):
Is does this feel good? Can I trust them?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Am I getting where I want to go?
Speaker 4 (21:00):
I would also wonder what a person wondering this is
looking for and what they mean by the right fit,
because that could mean a lot of things. If I'm
looking for the right fit, is who I feel the
most comfortable with, or who is giving me exactly what
I need, who is doing what I want? Like, there's
(21:21):
so many versions of what that could mean. And sometimes
the right fit is something that's going to continue to
be uncomfortable and push you, and sometimes the right fit
in a different season might mean something else. And so
I think before you can even give an adjusted or
estimate to that question, you would really have to be
(21:42):
super aware of what is my idea of a good fit,
And that also can be different depending on the season
of life you're in.
Speaker 5 (21:50):
And I think it's more of a feeling than a number,
like yeah, it's hard to put like a number on
how many sessions, but it's like, really just how you're
feeling about it and what's your gut telling you about
this relationship.
Speaker 4 (22:01):
Isn't it nice when you ask a therapist questions and
they don't ever really answer the question.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Answer it with.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
How I'm feeling? All right?
Speaker 4 (22:12):
The third question, what kind of questions is a therapist
going to ask during a first session? What kind of
questions is a therapist going to ask during a first session?
Speaker 5 (22:27):
Okay, so When I first started, I was very structured
because I was working at a company where we took insurance. Like, Okay,
if your therapist takes insurance, it's going to have to
be much more structured than a therapist that doesn't take insurance,
because you have to submit certain forms to insurance. So
you're going to go through history and medications and family
(22:48):
and goals and why you're seeking counseling and are you
using alcohol, Like just a bunch of questions about yourself
that have to be hit basically by the end of
that session in the next session so that insurance has
that information and we'll cover your sessions. But as I've
gone into private pay, I feel like I'm much more
(23:08):
relaxed in terms of like going where the client needs
to go of like I have kind of a range
of things I want to check in on family while
we're here, goals, but overall, like if the client's coming
in like really needing to talk about something, I'm completely
comfortable talking about that something, and I just it kind
(23:28):
of goes more with what the client needs in that session.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
I definitely will ask you so many questions about your family,
because I follow that cliche that our family really cliche
because it's true, because it's true. That's a lot of
attachment theory too, which I love. And so I mean,
I think there's always something to talk about with your family,
and if not, if you're not.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Ready for that yet, that's okay too.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
But at the end of a session, I usually or
an intake, I usually like to ask some sort of question,
like if I ran into you a year from now
on the street and we were catching up, what do
you want to be different in your life than how
do you want to be what? What do you want
to be different? Because that helps kind of think about
goals and how you want to feel and all these
(24:16):
things that can kind of guide us to reaching those goals.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
And that's a.
Speaker 4 (24:21):
Really good visual instead of what do you want to
work on? I mean, I asked that, but that's a
really good helps you look at the question differently, almost
gives you it sounds easier to answer that. And I
want to start you saying that.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
It's funny you ask about family.
Speaker 5 (24:36):
I ask about.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
Body image every time.
Speaker 5 (24:39):
I mean, because most of the clients I'm seeing eating disorder,
but like that's what we're here for. So that's like
something I typically try to.
Speaker 4 (24:46):
Hit and your first session is going again to be
different depending on where you are. If you haven't done
it intake session then and this is a first session,
you might not have to answer all these questions. If
you have done it in take session this session and
might go a different direction and you might start doing something.
But I would look at a first session as I'm
getting to know this person and there trying to get
(25:07):
to know me, and that's what I use it for.
You're also probably going to go over some policies and
things that are like okay, la la la la la.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I can just get to the point, but they have
to be said. Therapists have to go over confidentiality.
Speaker 4 (25:21):
I really enjoy going over just certain policies I have
so there's never any confusion in the later periods because
we know you don't always read the forms that you sign,
and I know that because I don't always read the
forms that I sign, and so I like to do that.
But I would go into that with the idea that
(25:41):
your therapist is going to want to get to know you,
so they're going to ask you questions that help them
get to know you. And I hear so often at
the end of sessions. I don't know about y'all. My
clients will say I feel like I just talked about
everything and nothing, or I feel like I blacked out,
because if you are feeling out of emotion, you just
are like in it and then you're like, wait, it's over.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
How did we get here?
Speaker 2 (26:05):
I had a client once at the end of an INTAKEO,
oh my gosh, you just talked so much about myself.
We didn't even get to talk about you.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
That's exactly what you do here. Yeah, and we're not
gonna talk about me. Yes by design? Okay, next question.
Speaker 4 (26:22):
I think this is a therapist asking this like a
new therapist asking this for the perspective of a therapist.
As a therapist, how do you prepare for a new
client and what are some of the ways you try
to ease the discomfort of a first timer.
Speaker 5 (26:35):
I think it's important so on our intake form that
we use or I think me and Kat have the
same one, but Julius is different, but it asks I'm
sure Julie is that's the same thing.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Have you been a therapy before?
Speaker 5 (26:46):
That's really important knowing like I just had a new
client today that's been like five times, but yesterday I
had a new client who's never been before, and like
it's really helpful to know what that person is coming
in with in terms of are we are we anxious?
Are we excited because we've done this million times? And
when we want to keep rolling? So like that's first
and foremost is knowing if they've been to therapy before. Also,
(27:09):
are like an intake form I guess if this is
for our therapist is so important because it, like ours,
is pretty intent extent whoa extensive where like even before
they walk in the door, I know a lot of
things about them. So that's like really important for me
is reading through I read through the intake form probably
(27:29):
like two or three times before I see that client.
So that's just priority for me is reading through that
several times and like even having another list of like Okay,
I want to ask more about this, ask more about this,
ask more about this on the side, so I am
like pretty prepared going into it, and then just like
a new client that's never been a therapy before, I'm
(27:52):
really intentional about like how are you feeling about being here?
Speaker 4 (27:54):
Like how is this for you?
Speaker 5 (27:56):
Of like really starting with like where we at, how
are we feeling about this before we get anywhere else
in session.
Speaker 2 (28:03):
I think sometimes it's about managing my own discomfort with
meeting a new client, because I also get afraid, and
I get afraid that they're gonna be nervous, and then
I'm gonna be nervous, and then we're just all gonna
be nervous together.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
And then once I get through.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
That spiral, I'm like, oh wait, we're all human and
I'm just gonna meet another human, and I want to
make them feel like they're just doing that too, Like
I'm not gonna be this clinical monster who's gonna look
down on you. I want you to come in. I
really am about hospitality, so I feel like our therapy
room is like you're entering my professional house. I'm not
gonna have you over to my house, but this this
(28:39):
is my professional house, and I'm welcoming you in.
Speaker 1 (28:42):
I'm gonna be hospital to you.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
And if a client feels, if I'm sense that they're
kind of uncomfortable, I'm not afraid to like stray away
in that first session from the hard stuff. And if
they bring up like their dog and they seem really
excited about it, let's talk about your dog. For a
couple of minutes and cool off. Yeah, just to humans
trying to connect with one another. It's when I remind myself.
Speaker 4 (29:03):
I really like that, and I really believe in normalizing
the experience of being a human. So saying like, I
know the first session is weird, or I know what
can be weird That I just asked you what your
deepest trauma is and that's a weird expectation that I
would think you would answer that you don't know me.
(29:24):
So normalizing the experience that it is. This is not
a normal thing that we're doing. You don't do. Hopefully
you are not going around on the street sharing this
stuff with everybody. And a lot of the things that
people are coming to talk about are things that they
never intended on telling anybody.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
So that's really important. And the space.
Speaker 4 (29:43):
I worked in an office, and if my clients are listening,
they might be like, yeah, I still dream about that
office or have nightmares about the office. I worked at
one office that was really dark and cramped and it
just felt a little I didn't feel.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
Like you could like lounge and wait and be peaceful.
Speaker 4 (30:06):
And then I worked to another office that one didn't
have windows in the waiting room felt like a doctor's office.
So when we moved into this building, Crystal and I,
the dietician who's actually been on the podcast multiple times,
who leased this office together, this building really were intentional
about we wanted to feel like a home and not
a doctor's office because we both were in that other place.
(30:28):
So using furniture that wouldn't be in a doctor's office,
putting things on the wall that feel nice to read.
We created a coffee not a coffee station, a te station.
But you know, it's really hard to make sure that's
always filled up, so it's in process. But I think
that's one thing that I always wanted is a place
(30:48):
that felt like I could just like sit here.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
I've walked out into.
Speaker 4 (30:53):
The waiting room and my clients have been asleep on
the couch, and I'm like, this is what I want.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
I love that.
Speaker 4 (30:58):
Okay, this might be the last question, and I love
this question. How do you get over the fear of
embarrassment knowing you will cry the entire time? I can
answer this one?
Speaker 1 (31:11):
Okay, do it?
Speaker 2 (31:11):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (31:12):
Okay, well one, I have been that person. So I
want everybody to hear that your therapists are human beings.
So we are not immune from feelings obviously, because we're
human beings. Therefore, it only makes sense that we might
have had similar experiences to you. And all humans have
the same emotions. We don't have separate emotions for certain
(31:32):
kinds of people. We don't always all allow ourselves to
feel the range of those emotions, but we all have
the same ones. And I have been this client a
couple of years ago. This must have been five or
six years ago. I went to a new therapist and
I don't even know if I made any sense. It
was like hysteric, like noise crying, you know, and the
(31:54):
therapists looked terrified, and that actually wasn't a good fit.
And then I went to another therapist and the same thing,
and she made me feel very at ease and responded
in a really awesome way. But I would say, to
answer this question, there's nothing to get over, because it's
actually not embarrassing to express your emotions in a therapeutic office.
It's to me not embarrassing to express your emotions in general. However,
(32:17):
culture has taught us differently, so I don't know if
the answer to this is how to get over that
fear of embarrassment. It's how to shift your mind and
how can I change the way I think about sharing
my emotions with somebody because I want to see, Like
we said earlier, I want to see somebody's real experience.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
I don't want to have.
Speaker 4 (32:40):
A manicured presentation of who you are, because then I
really can't help you as well.
Speaker 2 (32:47):
So this is probably unique to me, and I think
this is where my husband says, sometimes I don't sound
like a therapist, but I sound like maybe a serial killer.
But I get really excited when people cry in session,
especially if it's the first time, because that is brave
to do. And I always say to clients because a
lot of clients apologize for crying in therapy, and I'm like,
(33:09):
this is the place to do it. You're in the
right place to be crying, and so if you're gonna
cry the whole session, I'm so glad. I'm so glad
you can feel like you can do that, and I
want to help you do that. And there's no shame,
Like you said, there's no shame. I get so happy
when people cry in session.
Speaker 4 (33:25):
Yeah, I said the other day to one of y'all,
I think that I had a client for years, and
I was like.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
She cried today, Yeah you did.
Speaker 4 (33:34):
And it does sound like a zero, but it's not
because we want you to feel miserable. It's because when
you allow yourself to drop down into your emotions, that
signifies some essence of safety and some essence of you
allowing your body to do what it needs to do,
and we are conditioned to kind of rebuke that, and
therapy is a way to actually go back to the
(33:57):
way we're meant to be and experience ourselves.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
So girl, I don't think you have to get over that.
Speaker 4 (34:03):
So I hope that this conversation was helpful. I know
there's no way we can cover every single detail of
what a first session is supposed to be like, because
one they're all different into there's too many pieces to that.
And I would be here for years, and you know
I would because I love to talk.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
So I hope that was helpful.
Speaker 4 (34:24):
If you have more questions, you can always send them
to me Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com
if you would like to connect with any of us
specifically around therapy and doing that yourself. If you live
in the state of Tennessee, you can go to three
courts therapy dot com and you can contact any of
us myself, Josie, Julia, or Stacy who is not here
(34:44):
with us today. If you want to connect with us
on Instagram, you can follow the podcast at You Need
Therapy Podcast. You can follow Julia's public Instagram at the
Self Compassion counselor. Josie sadly does not have a public
in Instagram, but you can find her sometimes in her
face sometimes over at three Quarts Therapy on Instagram. So
(35:06):
that's going to do it for us today. Thanks you
guys for coming and having this conversation with me, and
I hope you guys have.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
The day you need to have. Bye,
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