December 2, 2024 • 22 mins
This week Kat is bringing back one of her favorite things to talk about… training people how to treat you! Have you ever asked yourself why all the people around you suck? Or maybe, why do people take advantage of you over and over again? Well… it might have to do more with how you model to others how you want to be treated and less about the other person. In this episode you’ll hear more about why this is important and how to start modeling the behavior you want to experience from others.
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Produced by: @HoustonTilley
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
I started to realize that not being an expert isn't
a liability.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
It's a real guest. If we don't know something about
ourselves at this point in our life, it's probably because
it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die before you die,
then you can really live. There's a wisdom at death's door.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
I thought I was insane. Yeah, and I didn't know what.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
To do because there was no internet.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel like everything
is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat. I'm a
human first and a licensed therapist second. And right now
I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope encourage you
to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others,
(00:54):
and the world around you.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Welcome to You Need Therapy. Hi guys, and.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Welcome to a new episode of You Need Therapy podcast.
My name is Kat and I am the host. If
you are new here, welcome quick reminder that I like
to give at the top of every episode. That is,
although I'm a therapist, and although this podcast is called
You Need Therapy, this is not a replacement for actual
therapy or a substitute for any mental health service.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
So I was listening to the Brene Brown.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
Podcast and she started talking about this thing called the
assumption of positive intent, And if you're unfamiliar with what
that is, it is basically what it says, and it's
more of a workplace value system idea that I believe
was posture to help foster better culture in the workplace,
(01:49):
where you assume positive intent before you think somebody is
you know, out to get you, or doing something you
know on purpose to make you upset, angry, et cetera.
As I heard that, it reminded me of something that
I used to say way more than I say now,
which is that people generally are doing the best that
they can sometimes though, we need more than someone's best.
(02:11):
And this tends to come up a lot when working
with clients who have childhood trauma and don't want to
demonize their parents, but need to acknowledge that their needs
weren't met as a kid to move past something in
their life. And one of the reasons that this is
so important is that when we can acknowledge that something
was wrong but the intentions were not bad, we get
to rewrite certain scripts we have lived our whole lives
(02:34):
by and we get to change the lens that we
have been seeing the world through. If my needs weren't met,
and that is because my parents don't care about me,
then you're starting your experience of the world with a
pretty shitty lens, one that may see you as not
good enough or less.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Than or not worthy.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
And if my needs were met, but I can't acknowledge that,
and I ignore the fact that I ever had needs,
then you're setting yourself up to ignore your needs and
then destroy a positive sense of self. If I don't
have needs, then like, who am I all that acknowledging.
This also helps us untie ourselves from insecure attachments that
the lack of this awareness comes with. And that's a
(03:12):
lot of times what I do in therapy when this
comes up, and when we create more secure attachments, we're
able to actually create healthier relationships, We're able to set boundaries,
and we are actually able to experience our needs being met. Now,
a little caveat here that I feel as necessary to
say is that when it comes to abuse or neglect
(03:32):
or anything like that, you can't just shout this phrase
to somebody and expect them just to accept it and
receive it. Well, that can be very damaging and it
can be really invalidating. So please know that there is
a spectrum of how this work that I'm talking about,
and as I'm talking about it, I'm talking about it
in a nutshell. There's a spectrum of how it's done
and how beliefs are shifted. It's not something we just
(03:54):
throw at people now. Burne mentioned that which I thought
was very interesting that people who are actually able to
assume positive intent, who are able to actually assume that
people are doing their best, all have something in common,
and that thing is the ability to set boundaries. And
(04:15):
a prerequisite to the ability to set boundaries is believing
that someone is worthy of doing so. And then those
boundaries actually lead to how we end up being treated
through how we allow other people to treat us. And
when I can set boundaries because I know my worth
when someone acts in a way that doesn't sit well
with me, I also have the ability to assume that
(04:37):
positive intent to believe the best in someone. The behavior
of someone else is not at that point directly tied
to my worthiness or my value. Inherently, it is tied
to that person's own self. Their behavior becomes their behavior
versus a reflection of my value, which brings me to
something that shows up all of the time, and that
(04:58):
is people demonizing others because of their possible poor behavior
when they refuse to set boundaries that might be confusing.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
So we're going to talk about that.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
Are you somebody who or do you know somebody who,
over and over and over again finds themselves being taken
advantage of. They ask themselves frequently why people don't respect
them and why it feels like a lot of the
people around them are just doing the bare minimum. Well,
what I'm here to do is gently burst the bubble
that a lot of people feel very comfortable sitting inside.
(05:30):
When it comes to this and the answer to these
questions why people do this, the answer is usually not
because everyone in the world sucks. It's not because all
men suck. It's not because people overall are out to
get you. For the most part, Sometimes men do suck,
and sometimes people might be out to get you. But
if this is a pattern in your life, then it
(05:52):
probably has less to do with other people and way
more to do with how you show up with others
and how you treat yourself. We our own live how
to treat me manuals for the world. We are the direction,
we are the guide. We show people how we want
(06:13):
to be treated and how to do that well. And
to help you visualize what I mean, I'm going to
share a couple examples. I don't know what this came
to me, but I was thinking about how I treat
different people differently, and one thing stuck out immediately, and
it was the different professors in my undergrad program. So
(06:34):
there was this one professor. She was the capstone teacher.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
She taught like the capstone.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Class, and I think she might have been she might
have been head of the department. She was very intimidating,
she was very scary, but she also was very kind
to me personally.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
That was my experience of her.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
She was very serious, very professional, and thus in her class,
the students were very serious and very professional. The only
time we went to her office was during office hours.
I would never just pop in, and when I would
send her emails, I would double check them like six
times to make sure they were correct. I signed them correctly,
I did everything right. I would never think of using
(07:12):
my phone in her class. I wouldn't eat in her class,
I wouldn't be late to her class. None of that Meanwhile,
there's this other professor in my department, and he was
like everybody's favorite teacher. He was not mine, but he
was a lot of people's favorite. His classes were people's
favorite classes, and he was often on exam day or
test day or presentation day greeted by students with Sonic blasts,
(07:37):
which shout out, sonic blasts, one of the best treats
out there.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
I would email him like I would text a friend.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
And having your phone on your desk and using it
and showing up late to class was a very normal
thing to do.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Most people did that.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Now, while my inherent good student qualities would show up
in both of those classes, like I didn't go late
to either of those classes because that's just who I was,
I did show up in some ways differently based on
how those two professors showed us how they wanted their
(08:11):
classes to be treated. And now this is not because
I'm a chameleon or because I don't have a sense
of self. Like I said, I would show up to
both of those classes on time, and my assignments were
always turned in on time and they were done well.
I put effort into all of them. But because both
people modeled different boundaries. I attuned to those boundaries differently
(08:31):
in those classes, So I never texted in the capstone class.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
I never had my phone out. I wonder if sometimes
I love my.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Phone in my room because I was afraid it would
even go off in that class and how bad that
would be. But I always had my phone on my
desk in this other class, and I'm sure I texted
throughout the class, and like I said, the emails I
sent were very different. So if my second professor was
wondering why do people always show up on time to
(09:01):
your class but not mine, an easy answer would be like, oh,
because you probably show up late often. You left when
people come in late, you don't lock the door when
the class starts, and so your boundaries look different.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
You're modeling how we should show up to your class.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Also, a metaphor that came to me this week and
I was like, Wow, that's a good metaphor and that
makes sense as I was talking about this kind of
thing with somebody, was you know how when you go
to somebody's house and you notice that there's a basket
for shoes at the front door, and then you might
see them put their drink on a coaster as you're
like sitting down and hanging out. And then there are
(09:35):
those people's houses when you walk in and they're like
sprawl out on the couch and maybe they're like cat
or their dog or whatever pet they have. They're turtle
gerbiled is on the couch with them. And when you
sit down on the couch, you look at the coffee
table and there's like rings all over it from the
obvious not using of coasters, Well, are you more likely
to take your shoes off at the door and use
(09:57):
a coaster at the first house or the second house?
Probably the first house, And if you're saying the second house,
then you're lying now again who you are. You might
be somebody who always has to use a coaster, That
might be an inherent part of you. But if you're
not one of those people, you're probably going to do
it at the first house, and you're not going to
do this second house because the second house is saying, Hey,
I don't care, you don't have to do this, and
(10:17):
the first house is saying, this is really.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Important to me.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
People model how they want their things to be treated.
Humans are not different than coffee tables. In this scenario
that I'm giving you Now. We do this modeling on
a spectrum of how we think we deserve to be
treated and through the lens of what we think we
can get. And you know that quote that says people
accept the level of love that they think they deserve.
(10:43):
I think it makes more sense to go a step
farther and say people will accept the love that they
think they can get. That feels more direct and true. So,
if you want a guide to communicate with you consistently
but every six months when he reaches out, you have
no issue hanging out the first time he suggests it. Well,
if that's what you think you can get from him,
(11:04):
you're going to take it. And in turn, what do
you think you're going to continue to get. You're modeling
to him what you want slash require, slash even need.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
And so it's hard to see the good in people.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
When we're constantly being hurt without understanding that we are
setting ourselves up to be hurt. Right, it's hard to
see the good in people when I'm constantly being hurt.
Let's just use an example of guys. Of these guys
who just you know, text me randomly and aren't consistent
in this and that when I don't see that, I'm
(11:39):
actually giving them information that tells them, hey, this is
okay that you do this. And I think men don't
have respect, but maybe he just doesn't know how you
want to be treated. And if you wanted him to
text you consistently, he might. I mean, he might not,
but he might. If we want to be treated with respect,
(12:02):
we have to model what respect looks like for us.
Even good people get lazy, and if there is a
way to get our needs met easier, we're probably going
to take that route.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
It's not always that people are not respecting you, that
people don't care about you, or people don't want to
put effort into their relationship with you. It might be
that the person who you think is disrespecting you has
no idea that you feel that way. I hear pretty
often stories about partners who never help with the laundry
or cleaning or household tasks like that, and there's usually
this essence of resentment that boils down to not feeling
(12:35):
cared for or feeling taken advantage of. And one of
the most simple questions that I ask in those situations is, well,
have you ever asked them to do these things. Usually
I get some form of no or not consistently, and
then I'll say, okay, well, how often are you doing
these things every day? I do it every day, every
(12:57):
time this thing needs to be done. Oh well, in
my head, what I wonder is if they know that
you want them to do them, and how important that
is to you, and if they've even had a chance
to do those things. If you're doing them every day,
you're setting up an expectation that you will take care
of those things or that these things don't bother you,
(13:17):
and you show your partner that you're going to do them,
and then you take it personally when they don't read
your mind that you don't like having to do that,
and trust me, I can do this too. But if
we think someone is going to think I am asking
for too much just by asking for my basic needs,
so I don't ask and I don't receive my need,
(13:38):
then that is actually my problem. It's a me problem
and not an issue with somebody not caring about you. Now,
I've been pretty vocal about my frustration with dating coaches
and how to guides that promise how you can get
a guy or girl of your dreams or whatever kind
of person of your dreams that you want.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
And what I am not.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Doing here is telling you how to find that and
three easy steps. But what I am doing, and what
I hope to be doing, is inviting all of you
guys into a space where you can recognize the blind
spots and roadblocks that you are setting up keep you
from having the chance to find the relationships that you
want in your life, whether those are friend relationships, romantic relationships,
(14:18):
work relationships, what have you. So there are three essential
parts to training people how you want to be treated,
and those include one being aware of what it is
that you want. And I feel like some of y'all
are probably thinking, duh, obviously we do that. But I
am serious about getting serious about this because I think
often we skip the most obvious steps because since it's obvious,
(14:40):
we shouldn't have to put much effort into it. But
I don't think that's so true all the time. Some
of us have spent our whole lives avoiding our needs,
so it might take a second for us to actually
hash these out and allow them to show up. Then
the second part is asking for what we want. We
have to make these things known if we want people
to take their shoes off. At the door, we need
(15:01):
to put a basket there. If we want people to
use a coaster on our coffee tables, we need to
hand one to our friends and request that they put
their drink on it. And then the last part is
setting boundaries, which is full circle with this whole conversation.
And the thing about boundaries is you don't always have
to yell them from the rooftops. You can set internal
boundaries and a lot of these are going to be
(15:21):
internal boundaries based on what it is that I want
and need.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
If you don't want to be a booty.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Call, don't answer a text from somebody at ten pm
asking if you have plans that night.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
And if somebody.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Refuses to use a coaster at your house, which I
think would be kind of insane, don't invite them to
your house again. Or if they come back to your house,
you can tell them no drinks allowed inside. Something that
I always feel necessary to remind people when boundaries get
brought up at all is that we are responsible for
upholding those Those are not anybody else's responsibilities. So if
I have a boundary that I want to be respected,
(15:55):
I am in charge of actually holding onto whatever consequence
with that not being met. Otherwise, our boundaries just become suggestions,
and like I said, people like to take the easy ways.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
And if it's just.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
A suggestion, but you're not going to do anything about it,
and they still get their needs met. There's no motivation
to do anything different. Now when we don't do this,
when we don't set boundaries, and we get treated poorly
or maybe just not how we want to be treated.
Oftentimes we have an experience of thinking that, like I
said before, people suck. I can't count on anybody. People
don't value me, people don't care about me, or some
(16:30):
version of something negative about the world when we are
kids and our needs are not met. Something kids do
children do because of the stage of their development is
that they assume their needs are not met because there's
something wrong with them. It's an ecocentric way of looking
at the world. The world revolves around me. That is
on par with the stage of development that kids are in.
(16:51):
We are supposed to grow out of this linear way
of thinking equals be We can see that there's more
to it as we get older. What we learn while
we experience secure attachment is that the world actually doesn't
revolve around us individually, and often the reason XYZ happened
really had nothing to do with me personally. But if
I'm sitting on the edge of an avoidant or an
(17:12):
anxious attachment, then I might stay in this ego brain
and we don't get to experience the differentiation between others'
behavior and my own worth. We solidify this lens with
beliefs like I am not worthy, I am not good enough,
I am not wanted, I am too much, And that's
how I end up viewing a lot of the things
that happen in my life.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
The reality is that people will just point you.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
There will be people who do not value you enough
to put in effort to do the things that you want.
Being a human on earth and choosing to engage in
human relationships is an automatic ticket to at some point
feel rejected in some way. Now, what I need you
guys to know is that this is more due to
(17:54):
the nature of being a human being and the fact
that human beings are imperfect, rather than any one person's
actual inherent value and insecure attachment. Our attempts to avoid
abandonment and rejection is like the number one goal. We
are taught the message that there is no hope for
our needs being met, or that hope is very inconsistent.
(18:17):
So when you have hope, you better hold on to
it and not let it go. While at the same
time we have this need to maintain connection and attempt
to experience love and belonging. And if you want more information,
if you're like, oh, I don't really get this, what
are you talking about? If you want more information on attachment,
I have a couple episodes just search you need therapy
and attachment, and you will find those. I have two
(18:38):
on attachment in general, and then I have one specifically
on anxious attachment. I have another one specifically on avoidant
attachment that you can dive into. And those honestly might
be helpful to listen to more than one time, because
it's information that might sometimes float away as we continue
to move on in our our own world with our
own lenses. So when this happens, when we have these
(19:02):
insecure attachments going on, what people do a lot of
times is they engage in patterns of behavior that reinforce
the negative belief that they have about themselves because their
ego is not strong enough to sit in uncomfortable, unknown
experiences but while they're doing this, what they think they're
doing is the opposite. Their defense mechanisms become their blind spots,
(19:23):
and while they believe they are protecting themselves, they end
up deepening wounds that drive their inability to actually set
the boundaries that we're talking about now. If I refuse
to ask for my needs and fear that people don't
value me enough to show up for me in those ways,
I am one not giving anybody the opportunity to disprove
that fear, which allows it to continue to ring true. Two,
(19:44):
I'm setting the people up around me up to let
me down. And three, I am spending my time catering
to people who might not respect me or care for
me because I don't end up weeding out the people
that don't deserve to be in my life, which which
is not a unique problem for any one person. We
all have those people in our lives, no matter who
(20:06):
we are, and you're often left spending the majority of
your time hanging out with people that don't meet your
needs because you basically tell them that it's okay not
to through your behavior. And this happens because the uncomfortable
space of finding out if people will be able to
show up for you or will want to show up
(20:27):
for you, feels too risky, and it ends up being
this is better than nothing. So if you're listening to
this and relating hard, good and I don't mean that
and good. I'm glad you have experiences that feel crappy,
But I mean that is good because what is true
is that it.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
Doesn't have to be this way.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
And if you are aware that it is this way,
then you can hear me say it doesn't have to
be this way. And it may be a journey to
get out of where you are, and it may come
with risks. Those risks might include hard feelings or experiencing
rejection or confusing people because you start to change your
behavior and that's confusing to people. But again, it doesn't
(21:08):
have to stay this way. Those things don't have to
be roadblocks for you getting out of this. And when
these shifts are made, not only do you give yourself
the opportunity to be loved the way you want and
the way you deserve, you also open up a space
to see the world in a much more beautiful light.
And yes, there is bad in the world. There is
(21:31):
evil in the world, but there is a lot of
good out there too, and acknowledging the bad doesn't mean
we can't enjoy the good at the same time. And
that is going to do it for You need therapy today,
And if you want to send me a message or
a question for couch Talks, which is the episode that
comes out on Wednesdays where I answer questions that you
guys send in to me, then you can email Katherine
(21:53):
at Therapy podcast dot com and I will be back
with you guys on Wednesday for couch Talks
I started to realize that not being an expert isn't
a liability.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
It's a real guest. If we don't know something about
ourselves at this point in our life, it's probably because
it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die before you die,
then you can really live. There's a wisdom at death's door.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
I thought I was insane. Yeah, and I didn't know what.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
To do because there was no internet.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel like everything
is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat. I'm a
human first and a licensed therapist second. And right now
I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope encourage you
to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others,
(00:54):
and the world around you.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Welcome to You Need Therapy. Hi guys, and.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Welcome to a new episode of You Need Therapy podcast.
My name is Kat and I am the host. If
you are new here, welcome quick reminder that I like
to give at the top of every episode. That is,
although I'm a therapist, and although this podcast is called
You Need Therapy, this is not a replacement for actual
therapy or a substitute for any mental health service.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
So I was listening to the Brene Brown.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
Podcast and she started talking about this thing called the
assumption of positive intent, And if you're unfamiliar with what
that is, it is basically what it says, and it's
more of a workplace value system idea that I believe
was posture to help foster better culture in the workplace,
(01:49):
where you assume positive intent before you think somebody is
you know, out to get you, or doing something you
know on purpose to make you upset, angry, et cetera.
As I heard that, it reminded me of something that
I used to say way more than I say now,
which is that people generally are doing the best that
they can sometimes though, we need more than someone's best.
(02:11):
And this tends to come up a lot when working
with clients who have childhood trauma and don't want to
demonize their parents, but need to acknowledge that their needs
weren't met as a kid to move past something in
their life. And one of the reasons that this is
so important is that when we can acknowledge that something
was wrong but the intentions were not bad, we get
to rewrite certain scripts we have lived our whole lives
(02:34):
by and we get to change the lens that we
have been seeing the world through. If my needs weren't met,
and that is because my parents don't care about me,
then you're starting your experience of the world with a
pretty shitty lens, one that may see you as not
good enough or less.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Than or not worthy.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
And if my needs were met, but I can't acknowledge that,
and I ignore the fact that I ever had needs,
then you're setting yourself up to ignore your needs and
then destroy a positive sense of self. If I don't
have needs, then like, who am I all that acknowledging.
This also helps us untie ourselves from insecure attachments that
the lack of this awareness comes with. And that's a
(03:12):
lot of times what I do in therapy when this
comes up, and when we create more secure attachments, we're
able to actually create healthier relationships, We're able to set boundaries,
and we are actually able to experience our needs being met. Now,
a little caveat here that I feel as necessary to
say is that when it comes to abuse or neglect
(03:32):
or anything like that, you can't just shout this phrase
to somebody and expect them just to accept it and
receive it. Well, that can be very damaging and it
can be really invalidating. So please know that there is
a spectrum of how this work that I'm talking about,
and as I'm talking about it, I'm talking about it
in a nutshell. There's a spectrum of how it's done
and how beliefs are shifted. It's not something we just
(03:54):
throw at people now. Burne mentioned that which I thought
was very interesting that people who are actually able to
assume positive intent, who are able to actually assume that
people are doing their best, all have something in common,
and that thing is the ability to set boundaries. And
(04:15):
a prerequisite to the ability to set boundaries is believing
that someone is worthy of doing so. And then those
boundaries actually lead to how we end up being treated
through how we allow other people to treat us. And
when I can set boundaries because I know my worth
when someone acts in a way that doesn't sit well
with me, I also have the ability to assume that
(04:37):
positive intent to believe the best in someone. The behavior
of someone else is not at that point directly tied
to my worthiness or my value. Inherently, it is tied
to that person's own self. Their behavior becomes their behavior
versus a reflection of my value, which brings me to
something that shows up all of the time, and that
(04:58):
is people demonizing others because of their possible poor behavior
when they refuse to set boundaries that might be confusing.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
So we're going to talk about that.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
Are you somebody who or do you know somebody who,
over and over and over again finds themselves being taken
advantage of. They ask themselves frequently why people don't respect
them and why it feels like a lot of the
people around them are just doing the bare minimum. Well,
what I'm here to do is gently burst the bubble
that a lot of people feel very comfortable sitting inside.
(05:30):
When it comes to this and the answer to these
questions why people do this, the answer is usually not
because everyone in the world sucks. It's not because all
men suck. It's not because people overall are out to
get you. For the most part, Sometimes men do suck,
and sometimes people might be out to get you. But
if this is a pattern in your life, then it
(05:52):
probably has less to do with other people and way
more to do with how you show up with others
and how you treat yourself. We our own live how
to treat me manuals for the world. We are the direction,
we are the guide. We show people how we want
(06:13):
to be treated and how to do that well. And
to help you visualize what I mean, I'm going to
share a couple examples. I don't know what this came
to me, but I was thinking about how I treat
different people differently, and one thing stuck out immediately, and
it was the different professors in my undergrad program. So
(06:34):
there was this one professor. She was the capstone teacher.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
She taught like the capstone.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Class, and I think she might have been she might
have been head of the department. She was very intimidating,
she was very scary, but she also was very kind
to me personally.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
That was my experience of her.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
She was very serious, very professional, and thus in her class,
the students were very serious and very professional. The only
time we went to her office was during office hours.
I would never just pop in, and when I would
send her emails, I would double check them like six
times to make sure they were correct. I signed them correctly,
I did everything right. I would never think of using
(07:12):
my phone in her class. I wouldn't eat in her class,
I wouldn't be late to her class. None of that Meanwhile,
there's this other professor in my department, and he was
like everybody's favorite teacher. He was not mine, but he
was a lot of people's favorite. His classes were people's
favorite classes, and he was often on exam day or
test day or presentation day greeted by students with Sonic blasts,
(07:37):
which shout out, sonic blasts, one of the best treats
out there.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
I would email him like I would text a friend.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
And having your phone on your desk and using it
and showing up late to class was a very normal
thing to do.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Most people did that.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Now, while my inherent good student qualities would show up
in both of those classes, like I didn't go late
to either of those classes because that's just who I was,
I did show up in some ways differently based on
how those two professors showed us how they wanted their
(08:11):
classes to be treated. And now this is not because
I'm a chameleon or because I don't have a sense
of self. Like I said, I would show up to
both of those classes on time, and my assignments were
always turned in on time and they were done well.
I put effort into all of them. But because both
people modeled different boundaries. I attuned to those boundaries differently
(08:31):
in those classes, So I never texted in the capstone class.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
I never had my phone out. I wonder if sometimes
I love my.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Phone in my room because I was afraid it would
even go off in that class and how bad that
would be. But I always had my phone on my
desk in this other class, and I'm sure I texted
throughout the class, and like I said, the emails I
sent were very different. So if my second professor was
wondering why do people always show up on time to
(09:01):
your class but not mine, an easy answer would be like, oh,
because you probably show up late often. You left when
people come in late, you don't lock the door when
the class starts, and so your boundaries look different.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
You're modeling how we should show up to your class.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Also, a metaphor that came to me this week and
I was like, Wow, that's a good metaphor and that
makes sense as I was talking about this kind of
thing with somebody, was you know how when you go
to somebody's house and you notice that there's a basket
for shoes at the front door, and then you might
see them put their drink on a coaster as you're
like sitting down and hanging out. And then there are
(09:35):
those people's houses when you walk in and they're like
sprawl out on the couch and maybe they're like cat
or their dog or whatever pet they have. They're turtle
gerbiled is on the couch with them. And when you
sit down on the couch, you look at the coffee
table and there's like rings all over it from the
obvious not using of coasters, Well, are you more likely
to take your shoes off at the door and use
(09:57):
a coaster at the first house or the second house?
Probably the first house, And if you're saying the second house,
then you're lying now again who you are. You might
be somebody who always has to use a coaster, That
might be an inherent part of you. But if you're
not one of those people, you're probably going to do
it at the first house, and you're not going to
do this second house because the second house is saying, Hey,
I don't care, you don't have to do this, and
(10:17):
the first house is saying, this is really.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Important to me.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
People model how they want their things to be treated.
Humans are not different than coffee tables. In this scenario
that I'm giving you Now. We do this modeling on
a spectrum of how we think we deserve to be
treated and through the lens of what we think we
can get. And you know that quote that says people
accept the level of love that they think they deserve.
(10:43):
I think it makes more sense to go a step
farther and say people will accept the love that they
think they can get. That feels more direct and true. So,
if you want a guide to communicate with you consistently
but every six months when he reaches out, you have
no issue hanging out the first time he suggests it. Well,
if that's what you think you can get from him,
(11:04):
you're going to take it. And in turn, what do
you think you're going to continue to get. You're modeling
to him what you want slash require, slash even need.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
And so it's hard to see the good in people.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
When we're constantly being hurt without understanding that we are
setting ourselves up to be hurt. Right, it's hard to
see the good in people when I'm constantly being hurt.
Let's just use an example of guys. Of these guys
who just you know, text me randomly and aren't consistent
in this and that when I don't see that, I'm
(11:39):
actually giving them information that tells them, hey, this is
okay that you do this. And I think men don't
have respect, but maybe he just doesn't know how you
want to be treated. And if you wanted him to
text you consistently, he might. I mean, he might not,
but he might. If we want to be treated with respect,
(12:02):
we have to model what respect looks like for us.
Even good people get lazy, and if there is a
way to get our needs met easier, we're probably going
to take that route.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
It's not always that people are not respecting you, that
people don't care about you, or people don't want to
put effort into their relationship with you. It might be
that the person who you think is disrespecting you has
no idea that you feel that way. I hear pretty
often stories about partners who never help with the laundry
or cleaning or household tasks like that, and there's usually
this essence of resentment that boils down to not feeling
(12:35):
cared for or feeling taken advantage of. And one of
the most simple questions that I ask in those situations is, well,
have you ever asked them to do these things. Usually
I get some form of no or not consistently, and
then I'll say, okay, well, how often are you doing
these things every day? I do it every day, every
(12:57):
time this thing needs to be done. Oh well, in
my head, what I wonder is if they know that
you want them to do them, and how important that
is to you, and if they've even had a chance
to do those things. If you're doing them every day,
you're setting up an expectation that you will take care
of those things or that these things don't bother you,
(13:17):
and you show your partner that you're going to do them,
and then you take it personally when they don't read
your mind that you don't like having to do that,
and trust me, I can do this too. But if
we think someone is going to think I am asking
for too much just by asking for my basic needs,
so I don't ask and I don't receive my need,
(13:38):
then that is actually my problem. It's a me problem
and not an issue with somebody not caring about you. Now,
I've been pretty vocal about my frustration with dating coaches
and how to guides that promise how you can get
a guy or girl of your dreams or whatever kind
of person of your dreams that you want.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
And what I am not.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Doing here is telling you how to find that and
three easy steps. But what I am doing, and what
I hope to be doing, is inviting all of you
guys into a space where you can recognize the blind
spots and roadblocks that you are setting up keep you
from having the chance to find the relationships that you
want in your life, whether those are friend relationships, romantic relationships,
(14:18):
work relationships, what have you. So there are three essential
parts to training people how you want to be treated,
and those include one being aware of what it is
that you want. And I feel like some of y'all
are probably thinking, duh, obviously we do that. But I
am serious about getting serious about this because I think
often we skip the most obvious steps because since it's obvious,
(14:40):
we shouldn't have to put much effort into it. But
I don't think that's so true all the time. Some
of us have spent our whole lives avoiding our needs,
so it might take a second for us to actually
hash these out and allow them to show up. Then
the second part is asking for what we want. We
have to make these things known if we want people
to take their shoes off. At the door, we need
(15:01):
to put a basket there. If we want people to
use a coaster on our coffee tables, we need to
hand one to our friends and request that they put
their drink on it. And then the last part is
setting boundaries, which is full circle with this whole conversation.
And the thing about boundaries is you don't always have
to yell them from the rooftops. You can set internal
boundaries and a lot of these are going to be
(15:21):
internal boundaries based on what it is that I want
and need.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
If you don't want to be a booty.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Call, don't answer a text from somebody at ten pm
asking if you have plans that night.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
And if somebody.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
Refuses to use a coaster at your house, which I
think would be kind of insane, don't invite them to
your house again. Or if they come back to your house,
you can tell them no drinks allowed inside. Something that
I always feel necessary to remind people when boundaries get
brought up at all is that we are responsible for
upholding those Those are not anybody else's responsibilities. So if
I have a boundary that I want to be respected,
(15:55):
I am in charge of actually holding onto whatever consequence
with that not being met. Otherwise, our boundaries just become suggestions,
and like I said, people like to take the easy ways.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
And if it's just.
Speaker 1 (16:08):
A suggestion, but you're not going to do anything about it,
and they still get their needs met. There's no motivation
to do anything different. Now when we don't do this,
when we don't set boundaries, and we get treated poorly
or maybe just not how we want to be treated.
Oftentimes we have an experience of thinking that, like I
said before, people suck. I can't count on anybody. People
don't value me, people don't care about me, or some
(16:30):
version of something negative about the world when we are
kids and our needs are not met. Something kids do
children do because of the stage of their development is
that they assume their needs are not met because there's
something wrong with them. It's an ecocentric way of looking
at the world. The world revolves around me. That is
on par with the stage of development that kids are in.
(16:51):
We are supposed to grow out of this linear way
of thinking equals be We can see that there's more
to it as we get older. What we learn while
we experience secure attachment is that the world actually doesn't
revolve around us individually, and often the reason XYZ happened
really had nothing to do with me personally. But if
I'm sitting on the edge of an avoidant or an
(17:12):
anxious attachment, then I might stay in this ego brain
and we don't get to experience the differentiation between others'
behavior and my own worth. We solidify this lens with
beliefs like I am not worthy, I am not good enough,
I am not wanted, I am too much, And that's
how I end up viewing a lot of the things
that happen in my life.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
The reality is that people will just point you.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
There will be people who do not value you enough
to put in effort to do the things that you want.
Being a human on earth and choosing to engage in
human relationships is an automatic ticket to at some point
feel rejected in some way. Now, what I need you
guys to know is that this is more due to
(17:54):
the nature of being a human being and the fact
that human beings are imperfect, rather than any one person's
actual inherent value and insecure attachment. Our attempts to avoid
abandonment and rejection is like the number one goal. We
are taught the message that there is no hope for
our needs being met, or that hope is very inconsistent.
(18:17):
So when you have hope, you better hold on to
it and not let it go. While at the same
time we have this need to maintain connection and attempt
to experience love and belonging. And if you want more information,
if you're like, oh, I don't really get this, what
are you talking about? If you want more information on attachment,
I have a couple episodes just search you need therapy
and attachment, and you will find those. I have two
(18:38):
on attachment in general, and then I have one specifically
on anxious attachment. I have another one specifically on avoidant
attachment that you can dive into. And those honestly might
be helpful to listen to more than one time, because
it's information that might sometimes float away as we continue
to move on in our our own world with our
own lenses. So when this happens, when we have these
(19:02):
insecure attachments going on, what people do a lot of
times is they engage in patterns of behavior that reinforce
the negative belief that they have about themselves because their
ego is not strong enough to sit in uncomfortable, unknown
experiences but while they're doing this, what they think they're
doing is the opposite. Their defense mechanisms become their blind spots,
(19:23):
and while they believe they are protecting themselves, they end
up deepening wounds that drive their inability to actually set
the boundaries that we're talking about now. If I refuse
to ask for my needs and fear that people don't
value me enough to show up for me in those ways,
I am one not giving anybody the opportunity to disprove
that fear, which allows it to continue to ring true. Two,
(19:44):
I'm setting the people up around me up to let
me down. And three, I am spending my time catering
to people who might not respect me or care for
me because I don't end up weeding out the people
that don't deserve to be in my life, which which
is not a unique problem for any one person. We
all have those people in our lives, no matter who
(20:06):
we are, and you're often left spending the majority of
your time hanging out with people that don't meet your
needs because you basically tell them that it's okay not
to through your behavior. And this happens because the uncomfortable
space of finding out if people will be able to
show up for you or will want to show up
(20:27):
for you, feels too risky, and it ends up being
this is better than nothing. So if you're listening to
this and relating hard, good and I don't mean that
and good. I'm glad you have experiences that feel crappy,
But I mean that is good because what is true
is that it.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
Doesn't have to be this way.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
And if you are aware that it is this way,
then you can hear me say it doesn't have to
be this way. And it may be a journey to
get out of where you are, and it may come
with risks. Those risks might include hard feelings or experiencing
rejection or confusing people because you start to change your
behavior and that's confusing to people. But again, it doesn't
(21:08):
have to stay this way. Those things don't have to
be roadblocks for you getting out of this. And when
these shifts are made, not only do you give yourself
the opportunity to be loved the way you want and
the way you deserve, you also open up a space
to see the world in a much more beautiful light.
And yes, there is bad in the world. There is
(21:31):
evil in the world, but there is a lot of
good out there too, and acknowledging the bad doesn't mean
we can't enjoy the good at the same time. And
that is going to do it for You need therapy today,
And if you want to send me a message or
a question for couch Talks, which is the episode that
comes out on Wednesdays where I answer questions that you
guys send in to me, then you can email Katherine
(21:53):
at Therapy podcast dot com and I will be back
with you guys on Wednesday for couch Talks
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