August 12, 2024 • 35 mins
Kat’s back with another conversation about the confusing nature of vulnerability on the interwebs. In this episode Kat discusses the differences between emotional oversharing and true vulnerability and gives some tips from Brene Brown on how to know when its time to share.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
I started to realize that not being an expert isn't
a liability, it's a real gift. If we don't know
something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's
probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die
before you die, then you can really live. There's a
wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah,
(00:31):
and I didn't know what to do because there was
no internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel
like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat.
I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second. And
right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope
encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others,
(00:54):
and the world around you. Welcome to You Need Therapy.
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You
Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. I am the
host and quicker minded before we get started. This podcast
does not serve as a replacement or substitute for any
actual mental health services. However, we always hope that it
can help you in some way on whatever journey you
(01:16):
are on. Now. Today is a solo episode, so it's
just me talking to y'all, and we've actually talked about
what I'm going to be discussing today a couple times.
But you know, I could actually have a whole separate
podcast just on this topic and probably never really get well,
maybe I would get tired of talking about it, but
I don't know that I would run out of reasons
(01:40):
or things to share or a need to talk about
this in order to help us in our relationships. And
just as our culture shifts and changes with developing world
of technology and social media, So what are we going
to be talking about? Performative vulnerability? And We've had a
whole episode on that before, and I want to bring
(02:02):
this conversation back around again today because one, I think
we can all use a refresher when an issue continues
to become bigger and bigger and bigger, right, we can
always come back and talk about it a little bit more.
Sometimes I get a little bit of a oh, I've
already done that, or you know, I don't want my
(02:23):
listeners to get bored, and I have to constantly be
bringing new information. But just because I heard something in
twenty twenty one, it doesn't mean that I'm still remembering
what that was, and it doesn't mean that there aren't
new ways to apply it in new ways to think
about it in twenty twenty four. And so I am
working on that part for myself of not shutting down
things that I want to talk about just because I've
(02:45):
mentioned them before on the podcast. And I also think
that my idea of this issue becoming bigger as we
move along is a little relative, because I see the
problem from my perspective and from my social media feeds
and from my community, and not everybody is in that
same space, and not everybody uses social media and technology
(03:05):
in the same way. So I do hold that as
I see it happening in a certain way doesn't mean
it's happening like that for everybody, and especially in every generation.
I'm a millennial, and so that's the perspective I generally
am coming from, too, is how I grew up in
what the world feels like now, and that can be
different for people. I've also seen this issue of I say,
(03:29):
performative vulnerability, but we're also going to be talking about
the difference between vulnerability and oversharing, and I've seen the
misplacement or the misuse of those or the confusion between
those not just show up in our social relationships and
our friendships and our romantic partnerships and our communities in
(03:50):
that way, but in other communities, like our working communities,
our work relationships and leadership roles, just in the workplace
in general. And so as we are getting used to
or more comfortable with the idea of vulnerability and welcoming
that into certain spaces that it was not welcome in before,
(04:10):
you know how we usually do, the pendulum swings really
far to one side until we can normalize it and
stabilize it and get back into a space where it
actually makes sense. And so I think we do that,
we get into that all or nothing, black and white,
and so we show up in certain areas that maybe
we don't want to show up that way in them.
And I feel like I'm being a little elusive. Is
(04:33):
that the right word. I'm being a little bit cryptic.
I just think sometimes we show up in certain leadership roles.
We'll use that, for example, in workspaces, and we want
to bring that vulnerability in because that is so helpful.
But oftentimes it turns into performance and it becomes more
of an overshare and it blurs the lines of our
relationships and how the order really works, and we might
(04:56):
want it to work in those spaces. Side note, I
don't know if anybody else is watching this show, but
I've been watching Dark Matter on Apple TV, and I
don't actually think I am enjoying it very much. It's
an interesting concept, and I think the first episode was
really interesting. It kind of hooked me in. And this
(05:18):
is coming from my ADHD brain. There's a lot going on.
You have to pay attention, so it's not a show
that you can just like have it on the background.
And it's long episodes, like an hour, and I kind
of like assume I know what's going to happen in
the end, so I just want to get to it.
So I've had to really hold myself back in looking
(05:38):
up what happens. We still have two more episodes. Anyway,
my point in bringing that up this might be a spoiler.
So if you're in the middle of watching this, I
don't know that this is going to be a spoiler,
but it could be if you're in the middle of
watching this fast forward for like two minutes. But there's
a show about different kinds of worlds and how for
every decision we make, there's a different universe, which is
(05:59):
like so confusing and hard for my brain, Like our
brains can't well I'm goos speak for from my brain.
My brain can't really sit and comprehend how crazy and
wild and big and infinite that is. So that's maybe
why part of the show stresses me out. I'm trying
to like contort this idea of these worlds that I
(06:21):
don't know that that's really real. I'm trying to contort
that into the way that my brain can understand our universe,
and it doesn't fit. And so I have to constantly
be kind of doing gymnastics in that way when my brain.
So I think I just you know, figured something out
as like talking to you guys, that that might be.
Really why I don't like the show is because I
am tired of working so hard while I'm watching it. Anyway,
(06:42):
the reason I'm bringing this show up is because in it,
one of the worlds that they experienced was a world
where there was no technology that impacted our emotional and
our social development and our emotional and social engagement and satisfaction.
That would mean in this world they had flip phones
(07:04):
and there was no digital camera. I was film cameras.
The camera you saw on the show is actually like
a polaroid. It was to me like that would be
like my fantasy, Like that is like the world that
I if I was gonna get stuck in a different one.
That one sounds pretty good. I'm pretty jealous of the
people that, well, it's not real, the people that get
(07:27):
to live in that world. But I guess that's not real. See,
I am struggling because I work so hard watching this
show and trying to like suspend disbelief that now as
I'm talking about it, I like forgot that I was
just suspending disbelief and that's not our reality. Anyway, that
world would be amazing. I would love to live in
that world as a world that I maybe would choose
(07:47):
if I was on that TV show and now that
was real, And maybe some people do choose to live
in that world because of how almost you fork it
really is. Now, even though I would choose to live
in a world where social media doesn't exist, I still
do not think social media is all bad. I do
not think the technology that we are experiencing in this
(08:08):
lifetime is all bad. I do think it can be
fun and it can be connecting. It can be helpful,
it can be resourceful, very helpful. Actually, I'm going to
double down on the technology. I mean, there's so many
things I benefit from, and I often at the same
time don't think that the helpfulness always and the connection
(08:30):
I get from these things is always worth the cost.
And that is I would say personal to me. Somebody
else could say, I do think it's worth the cost.
Many people would say that. I'm totally okay with that
not being the case for everybody. I'm speaking from my
personal viewpoint in my life. Also side note, as I
(08:51):
was preparing myself for this episode, I actually deleted TikTok
from my phone for the second time. I did it
a while ago because I just felt like it was
again hurting me more than helping me, and then I
re downloaded it when I was planning a trip. I
think it was when I was going to Chicago, because
TikTok is so helpful for recommendations. You know, used to
(09:13):
have all those blog posts like best places to eat
in Chicago or Nashville or New York City, and there's
so much more of it on TikTok, and you get
to see pictures and you get to see videos of
what it really looks like. And again, one of the
reasons I like social media, one of the benefits of
it is stuff like that. It can also be really
helpful in creativity and getting ideas for design and just
(09:35):
creation in general. But again, I deleted it for the
second time because I was like, I'm not planning a
trip right now, although actually also in the middle of
preparing this episode, I planned a trip to Charleston, so
I am so maybe I'll reteal it again. I don't know. Well,
my point is in saying all this is I deleted
it for the second time because outside of that stuff,
(09:56):
it actually causes more stress for me, and it it's
not worth it for me to have that knee jerk
reaction to open it when I have a spare moment,
because most of what I'm seeing is more frustrating than
helpful unless I'm looking for something, and so I've reserved
the right to I didn't delete my account. If I
want to go on and look and find something, I
can download the app again, like when I go on
(10:17):
this trip to Charleston the week before or two weeks before,
I can download that app again and find places that
I want to go or I can do it the
old school way. I can ask my friends for recommendations,
I can find old blog posts. But that's how I
want to use that. And I think as the reason
I deleted it again while I was preparing this episode
is because I was reminded that like, ugh, this gets
(10:40):
in the way, This gets in the way, and it
frustrates me a lot. And I don't have to live
in that frustration. I have agency, I have choice. And
it goes back to the conversation I had years ago
with somebody on this podcast, Nabiha said, where we talked
about taking agency over. Back then, we were talking more
about in and how we get to decide how we
(11:02):
want to use it instead of it deciding how we
use it. So that's how I decided I'm gonna use TikTok.
I'm gonna download it when I need it, versus always
have it on my phone calling me saying open me,
open me, and then making me angry. Anyway, back to
what I was talking about, I think the reason I
brought up the dark matter thing was just to say, like,
(11:22):
the ideal world was this world where that didn't exist,
and people were so connected in that world and they
were so engaged with each other and happy. Honestly, people
just looked happy in that world. Again made up, it's
an idea, but I think they're onto something. We don't
live in that world, though, And so this theme around
social media and vulnerability came up for me before I
(11:46):
watched that episode. Actually, when I was relistening to a
podcast on Unlocking Us was Brene Brown's podcast, and she
had Simon Sinek on it and a guy named Adam Grant,
and this podcast was from twenty twenty two and I
had listened to it maybe a year ago, and then
I listened to it again, and honestly, I'm glad I
listened to it again because I feel like I heard
(12:07):
so many different things that I hadn't heard before. And
in it, he said, and I wrote this down in
my notes, I was like, Oh, I have to come
back to this. Simon Sinek said, there's a difference between
vulnerability and broadcasting our emotions, and I was like, Oh,
that is what I really mean when I talk about
performative vulnerability. That is the sentence I was looking for.
(12:31):
And when I heard this, I immediately had these images
of crying selfies flash across my brain and actually, full disclosure,
I do need to get off my chest that I
did post a picture of me crying recently on my
Instagram story. And I know I always or not always,
but I talk about a lot how that stuff really
(12:52):
kind of gets under my skin because it is not
a vulnerable thing, and I'm disclosing that. And the reason
I was like, Okay, I will share this because I
was sharing it in a comical way versus a vulnerable way.
It was a response to people asking me if I
had seen the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading documentary, which I mean,
can we talk about that for a second on another day.
(13:12):
We'll have to, so I'll definitely get off track. But
so many people had asked and they were wanting to
know my thoughts, and so I just posted a picture
of me I was watching it crying. I caried so
many times during that show, probably at times where nobody
else felt emotional, but because of the way I'm wired,
I did, and at the end of it, I just
kind of lost it, And so I posted a picture
(13:32):
of me crying watching the end of it. But it
was more of a cheeky way of like you've asked
if I've watched it. I've watched it like I am
in the midst of processing my own emotions over it
and kind of laughing at myself versus showing a vulnerable
moment I had where I was struggling with something or
sharing a part of my life that felt intimate, that
(13:54):
didn't feel intimate to me at all, and there was
no bid for connection intimately in that. It was more
of a response and I was laughing at myself, and
the picture that I took didn't interrupt something that was
happening in my life. I didn't have to take myself
out of a moment, although I'm sure somebody could argue
that I was, but I guess we can come back
to that at a later point anyway. Simon Sinek has
(14:24):
been quoted saying true vulnerability is interpersonal, It's an honest conversation.
It's a willingness to let ourselves be truly seen and heard.
And oh my gosh, I have all of the feelings
with that little piece I just read, especially the part
that says it is a willingness to let ourselves be
(14:45):
truly seen and heard. That post that I was talking
about was not me letting you guys truly see me.
It didn't feel vulnerable at all. It was not a
bid for to get the connection that comes from vulnerability
at all. It was not me letting you guys know
that I have tough days too. There was no part
of that in my post. I do think a lot
(15:05):
of people try to convey that when they take pictures
like that or videos like that, and it does lack
a certain type of reality or trueness or authenticity. Is
why those things really make me do a double take.
And I can understand that there are levels of vulnerability.
That's fine with me. I think that's appropriate. And I
(15:26):
think that the thing that gets us stuck in the
overshare loops right where we are oversharing it's becoming problematic,
where there's almost like a cringeness to it from the
outside looking in, is the idea that we want this
deep sense of feeling seen and feeling heard from social
(15:46):
media and it can maybe offer us a bit of
being seen and heard, but truly and deeply being seen
and heard the way that we were meant to have
that face to face, like energy to energy with somebody
intimately that we know and that knows us and has
earned the right to see certain parts of us and
will love us for that, love us for us being us,
(16:08):
not because who we are on the internet or what
we are sharing or performing on there. You can't get
that same thing. And I think the reason that some
people go overboard with oversharing is because we're searching for
that on there, and you can't get the fullness of it.
No matter what you share, no matter how you share it,
you can't get the fullness of it. And there's always
(16:29):
going to be this pool to come back because you
got a little bit of it and you want to
get more. Or it's almost like I had a bite
of the sandwich and I want the full sandwich. Or
I had a bite of the sandwich, but I only
got certain parts of it in there, and I want
all the parts of the sandwich. There is a difference,
I believe in saying something on a stage in saying
(16:49):
something in an intimate dinner with two close friends. And
I'll be the first to admit this. I think me
sharing things on the podcast, for one, I can share
some vulnerable and i can have a tinge of vulnerability,
but I'm not going to get the same connection that
I would if I shared that with a close friend
that truly knows me and who I truly care about
(17:11):
their opinion of me. I can say anything I want
on this podcast. I also can edit it however I
want it to sound. I can resay it a million times,
I can put a million caveats on it, and to
a certain extent, I'm not going to worry about how
people receive it, because the people that might misinterpret it
or not like it, or think I'm wrong or talk
bad about me behind my back, I'll one ever know about.
(17:34):
And two, those aren't the people that are showing up
in my life that I truly care about, if that
makes sense. Not that I don't care about you guys,
but you know what I mean. From the judgment from
somebody I don't know, in my opinion, is less scary
than the judgment of somebody that I truly truly want
to be in my life and to know the truth
of me and love me for that regardless. And speaking
(17:58):
of saying something on a stage when we did the
Lives Show in Franklin, Tennessee in twenty twenty three, in March,
I shared a piece of a story from my childhood,
and I think it was scary to share that to
an extent, and it was vulnerable being up there for sure,
because I don't know how people are going to interpret things.
I don't know how I'm going to show up. I
(18:19):
don't know how things are going to be perceived. There's
some unknown in there, so there's some risk. And I
was actually talking about vulnerability when I was sharing, which
is funny. But I also didn't have to look anybody
in the eye. What I said was rehearsed. I didn't
have an immediate reaction from the people that I was
talking to. There was no response in what I said
in that moment. So I got to say what I
(18:42):
rehearsed saying. I got to get up, I got to
walk off stage, and I got to move on to
the next thing, possibly never hearing a response to what
I said if I didn't want to. And honestly, I
think if somebody came up to me after that show
and I had an in person conversation with them, I
would have felt a lot more fear and energy in
that conversation that I did speaking to hundreds of people
(19:03):
on a stage, and I would have felt a lot
more connected as well. And so me getting up there
was not so much for me to feel connected, which
we'll get to. I think that we need examples of vulnerability,
and we need people to know that they're not alone,
and the people that are showing that, like if I'm
showing that through a podcast, I'm showing that on a stage,
(19:25):
I'm showing other people that they're not alone. But I'm
not receiving the benefits of being vulnerable in an intimate
setting the same way. And that's when we get stuck,
going back to like the overshare loop, where I keep
trying to get that thing but it's not possible to
get here. But if we get semblances of it from
doing this, I'm less likely to go do the harder thing,
(19:46):
which is to have the in person conversation with somebody
at an intimate dinner or wherever you are sharing your
vulnerable things. Now, I don't think we need to be
vulnerable all the time. I think that's part of the
problem maybe is that we think that to be vulnerable,
we have to always be vulnerable. That's not how it works.
We found ourselves in a world where boundaries really have
become somewhat unclear when it comes to when and where
(20:09):
vulnerability is welcome, understood, and appropriate. And if we're going
to be vulnerable, I want us to be real about
it so we actually get the benefits, not the illusion
of the benefits. And I also want us to be
able to say, hey, I don't have to do that
here because I have a safe space where I can
do that for real. I actually asked earlier today on
(20:32):
Instagram what you guys thought the difference between vulnerability and
oversharing was. And I want to share some of your
thoughts because I thought they were pretty good, and honestly,
they were very similar. So I'm not going to share
all of them because a lot of them kind of
repeated themselves, which I love because that means that we
have this similar understanding. So here's what you guys said
about oversharing. Oversharing is when you want to tell your
(20:54):
life stuff just so someone listens. Often you're needed attention.
Oversharing is look looking for a reaction or shock value.
Oversharing feels easy in the moment, but leads to feeling
uncomfortable and often isn't really result oriented. Oversharing is providing
too much information, providing unnecessary information. Vulnerability is when you
(21:16):
feel safe enough to be honest about something difficult that
has happened to you. Vulnerability is willingness to show emotion,
allowing others to see your area's for growth, vulnerability is
uncomfy in the moment, but leads to healing plus constructive
results and or growth. Vulnerability is for people who have
(21:36):
earned the right to hear your story. And then another
person said, oversharing is opening a window and vulnerability is
opening a door. And another person wrote in talking about
emotional intelligence and how having that allows you to separate
the difference. I feel like we could do an episode
on that one day too, But I really liked what
you guys said, and I want to go back to
(21:57):
where somebody said, oversharing is when you want to tell
your life stuff so someone listens. Often needing attention. This
reminds me of like our core desires right to be loved,
to be connected to people, and oftentimes that attention part
gets in the way. We think that attention is the
same as feeling loved, and it's not. But sometimes it's
almost the counterfeit idea of what we can get what
(22:20):
we think we can get. It's like the fake Louisvton
that we got on Canal Street in New York City.
It's we can't get the real Levaton. At least we're
gonna have that one, but it doesn't ever feel the same, right,
we know to a certain extent, and we're always worried
that somebody's gonna find out that that's not a real Lovaton,
and so we're always still gonna want the real one.
And so we're going to keep going back, and you
(22:40):
can have a million fake ones, it might not ever
feel like a real one, and that metaphor might not
sit with you because you might not care about those things,
and you might actually be like, I'd rather have a
million fake ones in one real one. Then that metaphor
went over your head. That's okay, But I think you
can still grasp what I'm trying to get across with
that comparison. So I want to bring this back because
(23:08):
the solution to this oversharing versus vulnerability thing isn't to
go into the world from dark matter where we just
have flip phones. And why is that not the solution? Well,
mainly because it's not realistic. We can't do that. We
cannot put the boundaries that we want on other people.
We can only look at what is not working for
us and make an adjustment from there the best we
(23:31):
can going back to like, we can have agency over
how we use things and how we show up, and
then also be mindful of the people around us and
maybe how they're showing up, and we don't have to
absorb all of that the same way. One of the
reasons I deleted TikTok. I don't have to absorb it
that way. There's not an end in sight for content creation,
and I like content creation to an extent. I don't
(23:55):
think it's all bad, so I don't want to get
rid of all of it. So maybe we look inward
at what kind of content we want to create, how
we'd want to show up? Is the problem? Really? What
we're sharing is the what is it how we're sharing it?
Or is it why you share? That makes all the
difference here? And I think the real answer is a
combination of all those things. It's not just one question
(24:18):
you have to ask. It's an alignment of all three
that allows us to get our needs met versus get
sucked into a cycle of attempting to get our needs
met or getting a crumb of our needs met. Brene
Brown wrote in her book Darren Greatly oversharing is not vulnerability.
In fact, it often results in disconnection, distrust, and disengagement.
(24:38):
And there is an article in the medium titled Vulnerability
versus Oversharing where to draw a line written by a
woman named Camilla Hankwts which I think I might be
pronouncing her last name incorrectly, but I'm trying anyway. In
that article, she wrote, oversharing often stems from unmet needs
(24:59):
for intimacy, connection and belonging. Sure, people will sympathize with you,
they'll even prize you for opening up, but it will
come at a cost to your business. Clients and your
employees want to feel secure. They want to know that
you got this. When you advertise your personal affairs, it
makes you appear messy and gives others fertile grounds to gossip.
(25:24):
And she was talking about vulnerability in the workplace, which
I think is a unique sector to even have this conversation.
And because everything's nuanced, you know, I like to bring
us back to that. I don't think that sharing on
social media is always bad, and sharing things that are
against the norm of what a lot of people share,
which is the highlights on social media is bad and
(25:46):
maybe for some people it's the only way they get
any semblance of connection. And to that, I would also suggest,
you know, maybe doing some work finding a third place,
like we talked about recently, to get some real life relationships,
so it doesn't have to be the only way you
can find any symbolte connection. Before I say this next part,
I don't want you guys to think that I'm saying
never share anything scarier or hard or not happy on
(26:08):
social media, or never be a tad bit vulnerable with
the people in your world in the workplace and things
like that. I'm not saying that. I think we need
to be more intentional about how we're doing that and
what our goal is. And in that article that I
just referenced, the author offers up a selection of questions
that was created by Brene Brown that we can ask
ourselves in order to overshare less, which in turn may
(26:33):
make more space for us to be vulnerable in our
intimate relationships. And she said these questions are for people
who are on the verge of splurge and also could
be helpful there's another space for I don't even mentioned this,
but also could be helpful to counteract the Oh, now
I need to share something vulnerable too, so the other
(26:53):
person doesn't feel uncomfortable urge that can come up when
somebody else is over sharing with us. We've experienced that, right,
So these are also questions you can use when you
are stuck in that space. So I want to share
them with you. And this is really the meat of
as we get to the end of the episode, the
meat of what I wanted to talk about and share
(27:13):
is there are questions we can ask so we can
show up more I think authentic versus vulnerable. Right, I
want us to show up as authentic more often and
vulnerable when it's the right time and space, when we
feel like that person said, like when the person in
front of us has earned the right to hear this
part of our story, when I know that I have
(27:33):
the ability to gain connection here and not just the
illusion of it. And so here's some questions you can
ask before you give in to that orsplurg One Why
am I sharing this? Two? What outcome am I hoping for? Three?
What are my expectations here and do they take into
an account the other person's boundaries and preferences? Four? Do
(27:59):
my intention align with my values? Oh? That one's good.
Five is there an outcome response or lack of a
response that will hurt my feelings? Six? Is this sharing
the service of connection? And seven? Does our relationship have
the earned trust to hold this kind of topic or
(28:22):
disclosure and that I'm going to read again. Does our
relationship have the earned trust to hold this topic or
disclosure that is so important? And I think that we
forget that we are allowed to be picky. I don't
know if that's the right word, but it's the word
that's coming to my head. We are allowed to be
(28:42):
picky with the people who get to know our whole story,
who get to know the insides of our outsides. We
are allowed to It is not the world's right to
know everything about us, even the influencers, it's not our
right to know everything about them. We are allowed to
open and share those parts of our story with people
that we know, we can trust and that we have
(29:03):
gained trust from. It doesn't mean the disclosures are going
to work out perfectly, but I think in the social
media world we've forgotten that it's okay you might not
be putting on a fake front by posting certain things
on Instagram and not posting the really vulnerable parts. That's
not you being fake, that's you having privacy, that's you
(29:24):
having boundaries. And it's one thing if we're lying about
what life is like, and if we're posting things that
really aren't true, like oh, look at me in my
perfect happy family and inside we're like screaming and yelling
on each other twenty four to seven. That's not what
I'm saying. You're allowed to post the things that are
appropriate within your own boundaries. And if we do the
(29:44):
overshare on social media and we think we get our
needs met but we don't, we won't be as inclined
to share outside of those circles. And I think that's
where there's two things that get me here. One is like, oh,
when you do that and you think you get your
needs met, but don't, you're not going to do the
scary or harder thing, which is to share in the
intimate settings. And the other thing is I don't always
(30:08):
think people have the best intentions when they're doing that.
And so on the receiving end, we think we're receiving
vulnerability when really we're actually being targeted, right, and somebody
is almost wanting us to gravitate towards them because they're
sending you the message that you're one of those people
that they trust, but like they don't really care about you.
(30:30):
And I don't like good people, caring people being exploited
in that way. So it's like twofold as I get
to the end here, One how do we show up?
And two how do we also separate the exploit of
vulnerability that is really just to get something from us
(30:50):
that does an in turn allow us to have that
same gift. And again then how do we show up
and so we can get our own needs met as well.
We don't have to be vulnerable all the time with everyone.
And just because somebody did on a podcast, somebody shared
something and that impacted you, it doesn't mean that you
then need to do it as well. I always go
(31:10):
back to JP Sacks when he shared that his music
isn't vulnerable because it's curated and you hear something how
he wants you to hear it, versus the raw, intimate,
unedited thoughts and feelings that he holds for those closest
to him and those who feel safe enough for him
to share with. We need that second part, And I
loved how honest, he was about the first part, And yeah,
(31:31):
I think you can again argue there's pieces of vulnerability
in that, but it's not the like I'm not really
connecting with him in that moment and having a real
human connection that in the moment authentically. Yeah, I can
feel connected to him from a distance, but I don't
have a relationship with this person I'm hearing on the radio.
They don't know who I am, and I don't really
know them. But maybe I connect with them in the
(31:54):
sense that I relate to them. That's very different. I
can relate to somebody, it doesn't mean that I'm connecting
with them. We need that second part. So maybe you
share something to let other people know that they're not alone.
I think that's okay. That makes sense that I'm not
saying nobody ever share something hard on the internet. It's
one of the reasons I do like music because I
(32:16):
can again relate. People want to be able to relate
and know that they're not alone and they're not the
only one. I like that, but I want people to
make sure that they are also getting the connection that
they are longing for after they post the crime selfie.
If that's for other people to receive that you're not alone.
I'm in this too. I still want those people to
know that they deserve to go and share the wholeness
(32:39):
of that story when they're ready with somebody that truly
can see them and know them and hold them in
that and that share might have helped someone else feel
us alone. Yes, but did you feel seen and known
and accepted for your fullness? Or did you get a
dose of affirmation for posting a picture that you might
have edited or at least maybe taken three shots of
to get the right I don't think the solution for
(33:02):
social media problems are to post more real stuff on
the internet, like I said earlier, and go against this
oh it's a highlight reel. I don't think that's the solution,
because we are seeing the real stuff with our friends
and family. That's my hope. We see that with people
around us, since we know that life is not perfect,
and then we can create boundaries around how we want
(33:22):
to use social media and see it and take it in.
I want us to make sure we are having those
real conversations with people as well as seeing it somewhere
on the internet, because that is what's going to actually
give us the life giving connection and understanding that we
are wanted and loved and enough and okay, even with
(33:43):
our bumps and our bruises. So that's going to do
it for me today. I hope this was helpful, and
it might have been confusing, but I think that that's
because this topic is confusing and I'm peeling it apart
with you. I don't have everything figured out spoiler alert.
Your therapist doesn't have everything figured out, but they can
help you do some of that work of figuring out
(34:03):
for yourself. So if you're in the need of a
therapist and you are in Tennessee, you can go to
three Chords Therapy at dot com and look at some
of the wonderful people we have at three Chords and
we can get you set up with somebody to help
you kind of peel back your own layers and have
some of those intimate conversations with because one person you
will be vulnerable with is your therapist. If you guys
(34:24):
have any thoughts, feelings, questions, comments, anything, you can send
that to Catherine at You Need Therapy Podcast. You can
follow us if you want to at You Need Therapy Podcast.
If you don't, you can just listen to me here,
and also remember we do have some fun merch stuff
on our website. You need therapy at podcast dot com,
so make sure to check that out. And I'll be
(34:44):
back with you guys on Wednesday for a new episode
of couch Talks. Until then, I hope you guys have
the day you need to have. Bye.
I started to realize that not being an expert isn't
a liability, it's a real gift. If we don't know
something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's
probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die
before you die, then you can really live. There's a
wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah,
(00:31):
and I didn't know what to do because there was
no internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel
like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat.
I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second. And
right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope
encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others,
(00:54):
and the world around you. Welcome to You Need Therapy.
Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of You
Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. I am the
host and quicker minded before we get started. This podcast
does not serve as a replacement or substitute for any
actual mental health services. However, we always hope that it
can help you in some way on whatever journey you
(01:16):
are on. Now. Today is a solo episode, so it's
just me talking to y'all, and we've actually talked about
what I'm going to be discussing today a couple times.
But you know, I could actually have a whole separate
podcast just on this topic and probably never really get well,
maybe I would get tired of talking about it, but
I don't know that I would run out of reasons
(01:40):
or things to share or a need to talk about
this in order to help us in our relationships. And
just as our culture shifts and changes with developing world
of technology and social media, So what are we going
to be talking about? Performative vulnerability? And We've had a
whole episode on that before, and I want to bring
(02:02):
this conversation back around again today because one, I think
we can all use a refresher when an issue continues
to become bigger and bigger and bigger, right, we can
always come back and talk about it a little bit more.
Sometimes I get a little bit of a oh, I've
already done that, or you know, I don't want my
(02:23):
listeners to get bored, and I have to constantly be
bringing new information. But just because I heard something in
twenty twenty one, it doesn't mean that I'm still remembering
what that was, and it doesn't mean that there aren't
new ways to apply it in new ways to think
about it in twenty twenty four. And so I am
working on that part for myself of not shutting down
things that I want to talk about just because I've
(02:45):
mentioned them before on the podcast. And I also think
that my idea of this issue becoming bigger as we
move along is a little relative, because I see the
problem from my perspective and from my social media feeds
and from my community, and not everybody is in that
same space, and not everybody uses social media and technology
(03:05):
in the same way. So I do hold that as
I see it happening in a certain way doesn't mean
it's happening like that for everybody, and especially in every generation.
I'm a millennial, and so that's the perspective I generally
am coming from, too, is how I grew up in
what the world feels like now, and that can be
different for people. I've also seen this issue of I say,
(03:29):
performative vulnerability, but we're also going to be talking about
the difference between vulnerability and oversharing, and I've seen the
misplacement or the misuse of those or the confusion between
those not just show up in our social relationships and
our friendships and our romantic partnerships and our communities in
(03:50):
that way, but in other communities, like our working communities,
our work relationships and leadership roles, just in the workplace
in general. And so as we are getting used to
or more comfortable with the idea of vulnerability and welcoming
that into certain spaces that it was not welcome in before,
(04:10):
you know how we usually do, the pendulum swings really
far to one side until we can normalize it and
stabilize it and get back into a space where it
actually makes sense. And so I think we do that,
we get into that all or nothing, black and white,
and so we show up in certain areas that maybe
we don't want to show up that way in them.
And I feel like I'm being a little elusive. Is
(04:33):
that the right word. I'm being a little bit cryptic.
I just think sometimes we show up in certain leadership roles.
We'll use that, for example, in workspaces, and we want
to bring that vulnerability in because that is so helpful.
But oftentimes it turns into performance and it becomes more
of an overshare and it blurs the lines of our
relationships and how the order really works, and we might
(04:56):
want it to work in those spaces. Side note, I
don't know if anybody else is watching this show, but
I've been watching Dark Matter on Apple TV, and I
don't actually think I am enjoying it very much. It's
an interesting concept, and I think the first episode was
really interesting. It kind of hooked me in. And this
(05:18):
is coming from my ADHD brain. There's a lot going on.
You have to pay attention, so it's not a show
that you can just like have it on the background.
And it's long episodes, like an hour, and I kind
of like assume I know what's going to happen in
the end, so I just want to get to it.
So I've had to really hold myself back in looking
(05:38):
up what happens. We still have two more episodes. Anyway,
my point in bringing that up this might be a spoiler.
So if you're in the middle of watching this, I
don't know that this is going to be a spoiler,
but it could be if you're in the middle of
watching this fast forward for like two minutes. But there's
a show about different kinds of worlds and how for
every decision we make, there's a different universe, which is
(05:59):
like so confusing and hard for my brain, Like our
brains can't well I'm goos speak for from my brain.
My brain can't really sit and comprehend how crazy and
wild and big and infinite that is. So that's maybe
why part of the show stresses me out. I'm trying
to like contort this idea of these worlds that I
(06:21):
don't know that that's really real. I'm trying to contort
that into the way that my brain can understand our universe,
and it doesn't fit. And so I have to constantly
be kind of doing gymnastics in that way when my brain.
So I think I just you know, figured something out
as like talking to you guys, that that might be.
Really why I don't like the show is because I
am tired of working so hard while I'm watching it. Anyway,
(06:42):
the reason I'm bringing this show up is because in it,
one of the worlds that they experienced was a world
where there was no technology that impacted our emotional and
our social development and our emotional and social engagement and satisfaction.
That would mean in this world they had flip phones
(07:04):
and there was no digital camera. I was film cameras.
The camera you saw on the show is actually like
a polaroid. It was to me like that would be
like my fantasy, Like that is like the world that
I if I was gonna get stuck in a different one.
That one sounds pretty good. I'm pretty jealous of the
people that, well, it's not real, the people that get
(07:27):
to live in that world. But I guess that's not real. See,
I am struggling because I work so hard watching this
show and trying to like suspend disbelief that now as
I'm talking about it, I like forgot that I was
just suspending disbelief and that's not our reality. Anyway, that
world would be amazing. I would love to live in
that world as a world that I maybe would choose
(07:47):
if I was on that TV show and now that
was real, And maybe some people do choose to live
in that world because of how almost you fork it
really is. Now, even though I would choose to live
in a world where social media doesn't exist, I still
do not think social media is all bad. I do
not think the technology that we are experiencing in this
(08:08):
lifetime is all bad. I do think it can be
fun and it can be connecting. It can be helpful,
it can be resourceful, very helpful. Actually, I'm going to
double down on the technology. I mean, there's so many
things I benefit from, and I often at the same
time don't think that the helpfulness always and the connection
(08:30):
I get from these things is always worth the cost.
And that is I would say personal to me. Somebody
else could say, I do think it's worth the cost.
Many people would say that. I'm totally okay with that
not being the case for everybody. I'm speaking from my
personal viewpoint in my life. Also side note, as I
(08:51):
was preparing myself for this episode, I actually deleted TikTok
from my phone for the second time. I did it
a while ago because I just felt like it was
again hurting me more than helping me, and then I
re downloaded it when I was planning a trip. I
think it was when I was going to Chicago, because
TikTok is so helpful for recommendations. You know, used to
(09:13):
have all those blog posts like best places to eat
in Chicago or Nashville or New York City, and there's
so much more of it on TikTok, and you get
to see pictures and you get to see videos of
what it really looks like. And again, one of the
reasons I like social media, one of the benefits of
it is stuff like that. It can also be really
helpful in creativity and getting ideas for design and just
(09:35):
creation in general. But again, I deleted it for the
second time because I was like, I'm not planning a
trip right now, although actually also in the middle of
preparing this episode, I planned a trip to Charleston, so
I am so maybe I'll reteal it again. I don't know. Well,
my point is in saying all this is I deleted
it for the second time because outside of that stuff,
(09:56):
it actually causes more stress for me, and it it's
not worth it for me to have that knee jerk
reaction to open it when I have a spare moment,
because most of what I'm seeing is more frustrating than
helpful unless I'm looking for something, and so I've reserved
the right to I didn't delete my account. If I
want to go on and look and find something, I
can download the app again, like when I go on
(10:17):
this trip to Charleston the week before or two weeks before,
I can download that app again and find places that
I want to go or I can do it the
old school way. I can ask my friends for recommendations,
I can find old blog posts. But that's how I
want to use that. And I think as the reason
I deleted it again while I was preparing this episode
is because I was reminded that like, ugh, this gets
(10:40):
in the way, This gets in the way, and it
frustrates me a lot. And I don't have to live
in that frustration. I have agency, I have choice. And
it goes back to the conversation I had years ago
with somebody on this podcast, Nabiha said, where we talked
about taking agency over. Back then, we were talking more
about in and how we get to decide how we
(11:02):
want to use it instead of it deciding how we
use it. So that's how I decided I'm gonna use TikTok.
I'm gonna download it when I need it, versus always
have it on my phone calling me saying open me,
open me, and then making me angry. Anyway, back to
what I was talking about, I think the reason I
brought up the dark matter thing was just to say, like,
(11:22):
the ideal world was this world where that didn't exist,
and people were so connected in that world and they
were so engaged with each other and happy. Honestly, people
just looked happy in that world. Again made up, it's
an idea, but I think they're onto something. We don't
live in that world, though, And so this theme around
social media and vulnerability came up for me before I
(11:46):
watched that episode. Actually, when I was relistening to a
podcast on Unlocking Us was Brene Brown's podcast, and she
had Simon Sinek on it and a guy named Adam Grant,
and this podcast was from twenty twenty two and I
had listened to it maybe a year ago, and then
I listened to it again, and honestly, I'm glad I
listened to it again because I feel like I heard
(12:07):
so many different things that I hadn't heard before. And
in it, he said, and I wrote this down in
my notes, I was like, Oh, I have to come
back to this. Simon Sinek said, there's a difference between
vulnerability and broadcasting our emotions, and I was like, Oh,
that is what I really mean when I talk about
performative vulnerability. That is the sentence I was looking for.
(12:31):
And when I heard this, I immediately had these images
of crying selfies flash across my brain and actually, full disclosure,
I do need to get off my chest that I
did post a picture of me crying recently on my
Instagram story. And I know I always or not always,
but I talk about a lot how that stuff really
(12:52):
kind of gets under my skin because it is not
a vulnerable thing, and I'm disclosing that. And the reason
I was like, Okay, I will share this because I
was sharing it in a comical way versus a vulnerable way.
It was a response to people asking me if I
had seen the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading documentary, which I mean,
can we talk about that for a second on another day.
(13:12):
We'll have to, so I'll definitely get off track. But
so many people had asked and they were wanting to
know my thoughts, and so I just posted a picture
of me I was watching it crying. I caried so
many times during that show, probably at times where nobody
else felt emotional, but because of the way I'm wired,
I did, and at the end of it, I just
kind of lost it, And so I posted a picture
(13:32):
of me crying watching the end of it. But it
was more of a cheeky way of like you've asked
if I've watched it. I've watched it like I am
in the midst of processing my own emotions over it
and kind of laughing at myself versus showing a vulnerable
moment I had where I was struggling with something or
sharing a part of my life that felt intimate, that
(13:54):
didn't feel intimate to me at all, and there was
no bid for connection intimately in that. It was more
of a response and I was laughing at myself, and
the picture that I took didn't interrupt something that was
happening in my life. I didn't have to take myself
out of a moment, although I'm sure somebody could argue
that I was, but I guess we can come back
to that at a later point anyway. Simon Sinek has
(14:24):
been quoted saying true vulnerability is interpersonal, It's an honest conversation.
It's a willingness to let ourselves be truly seen and heard.
And oh my gosh, I have all of the feelings
with that little piece I just read, especially the part
that says it is a willingness to let ourselves be
(14:45):
truly seen and heard. That post that I was talking
about was not me letting you guys truly see me.
It didn't feel vulnerable at all. It was not a
bid for to get the connection that comes from vulnerability
at all. It was not me letting you guys know
that I have tough days too. There was no part
of that in my post. I do think a lot
(15:05):
of people try to convey that when they take pictures
like that or videos like that, and it does lack
a certain type of reality or trueness or authenticity. Is
why those things really make me do a double take.
And I can understand that there are levels of vulnerability.
That's fine with me. I think that's appropriate. And I
(15:26):
think that the thing that gets us stuck in the
overshare loops right where we are oversharing it's becoming problematic,
where there's almost like a cringeness to it from the
outside looking in, is the idea that we want this
deep sense of feeling seen and feeling heard from social
(15:46):
media and it can maybe offer us a bit of
being seen and heard, but truly and deeply being seen
and heard the way that we were meant to have
that face to face, like energy to energy with somebody
intimately that we know and that knows us and has
earned the right to see certain parts of us and
will love us for that, love us for us being us,
(16:08):
not because who we are on the internet or what
we are sharing or performing on there. You can't get
that same thing. And I think the reason that some
people go overboard with oversharing is because we're searching for
that on there, and you can't get the fullness of it.
No matter what you share, no matter how you share it,
you can't get the fullness of it. And there's always
(16:29):
going to be this pool to come back because you
got a little bit of it and you want to
get more. Or it's almost like I had a bite
of the sandwich and I want the full sandwich. Or
I had a bite of the sandwich, but I only
got certain parts of it in there, and I want
all the parts of the sandwich. There is a difference,
I believe in saying something on a stage in saying
(16:49):
something in an intimate dinner with two close friends. And
I'll be the first to admit this. I think me
sharing things on the podcast, for one, I can share
some vulnerable and i can have a tinge of vulnerability,
but I'm not going to get the same connection that
I would if I shared that with a close friend
that truly knows me and who I truly care about
(17:11):
their opinion of me. I can say anything I want
on this podcast. I also can edit it however I
want it to sound. I can resay it a million times,
I can put a million caveats on it, and to
a certain extent, I'm not going to worry about how
people receive it, because the people that might misinterpret it
or not like it, or think I'm wrong or talk
bad about me behind my back, I'll one ever know about.
(17:34):
And two, those aren't the people that are showing up
in my life that I truly care about, if that
makes sense. Not that I don't care about you guys,
but you know what I mean. From the judgment from
somebody I don't know, in my opinion, is less scary
than the judgment of somebody that I truly truly want
to be in my life and to know the truth
of me and love me for that regardless. And speaking
(17:58):
of saying something on a stage when we did the
Lives Show in Franklin, Tennessee in twenty twenty three, in March,
I shared a piece of a story from my childhood,
and I think it was scary to share that to
an extent, and it was vulnerable being up there for sure,
because I don't know how people are going to interpret things.
I don't know how I'm going to show up. I
(18:19):
don't know how things are going to be perceived. There's
some unknown in there, so there's some risk. And I
was actually talking about vulnerability when I was sharing, which
is funny. But I also didn't have to look anybody
in the eye. What I said was rehearsed. I didn't
have an immediate reaction from the people that I was
talking to. There was no response in what I said
in that moment. So I got to say what I
(18:42):
rehearsed saying. I got to get up, I got to
walk off stage, and I got to move on to
the next thing, possibly never hearing a response to what
I said if I didn't want to. And honestly, I
think if somebody came up to me after that show
and I had an in person conversation with them, I
would have felt a lot more fear and energy in
that conversation that I did speaking to hundreds of people
(19:03):
on a stage, and I would have felt a lot
more connected as well. And so me getting up there
was not so much for me to feel connected, which
we'll get to. I think that we need examples of vulnerability,
and we need people to know that they're not alone,
and the people that are showing that, like if I'm
showing that through a podcast, I'm showing that on a stage,
(19:25):
I'm showing other people that they're not alone. But I'm
not receiving the benefits of being vulnerable in an intimate
setting the same way. And that's when we get stuck,
going back to like the overshare loop, where I keep
trying to get that thing but it's not possible to
get here. But if we get semblances of it from
doing this, I'm less likely to go do the harder thing,
(19:46):
which is to have the in person conversation with somebody
at an intimate dinner or wherever you are sharing your
vulnerable things. Now, I don't think we need to be
vulnerable all the time. I think that's part of the
problem maybe is that we think that to be vulnerable,
we have to always be vulnerable. That's not how it works.
We found ourselves in a world where boundaries really have
become somewhat unclear when it comes to when and where
(20:09):
vulnerability is welcome, understood, and appropriate. And if we're going
to be vulnerable, I want us to be real about
it so we actually get the benefits, not the illusion
of the benefits. And I also want us to be
able to say, hey, I don't have to do that
here because I have a safe space where I can
do that for real. I actually asked earlier today on
(20:32):
Instagram what you guys thought the difference between vulnerability and
oversharing was. And I want to share some of your
thoughts because I thought they were pretty good, and honestly,
they were very similar. So I'm not going to share
all of them because a lot of them kind of
repeated themselves, which I love because that means that we
have this similar understanding. So here's what you guys said
about oversharing. Oversharing is when you want to tell your
(20:54):
life stuff just so someone listens. Often you're needed attention.
Oversharing is look looking for a reaction or shock value.
Oversharing feels easy in the moment, but leads to feeling
uncomfortable and often isn't really result oriented. Oversharing is providing
too much information, providing unnecessary information. Vulnerability is when you
(21:16):
feel safe enough to be honest about something difficult that
has happened to you. Vulnerability is willingness to show emotion,
allowing others to see your area's for growth, vulnerability is
uncomfy in the moment, but leads to healing plus constructive
results and or growth. Vulnerability is for people who have
(21:36):
earned the right to hear your story. And then another
person said, oversharing is opening a window and vulnerability is
opening a door. And another person wrote in talking about
emotional intelligence and how having that allows you to separate
the difference. I feel like we could do an episode
on that one day too, But I really liked what
you guys said, and I want to go back to
(21:57):
where somebody said, oversharing is when you want to tell
your life stuff so someone listens. Often needing attention. This
reminds me of like our core desires right to be loved,
to be connected to people, and oftentimes that attention part
gets in the way. We think that attention is the
same as feeling loved, and it's not. But sometimes it's
almost the counterfeit idea of what we can get what
(22:20):
we think we can get. It's like the fake Louisvton
that we got on Canal Street in New York City.
It's we can't get the real Levaton. At least we're
gonna have that one, but it doesn't ever feel the same, right,
we know to a certain extent, and we're always worried
that somebody's gonna find out that that's not a real Lovaton,
and so we're always still gonna want the real one.
And so we're going to keep going back, and you
(22:40):
can have a million fake ones, it might not ever
feel like a real one, and that metaphor might not
sit with you because you might not care about those things,
and you might actually be like, I'd rather have a
million fake ones in one real one. Then that metaphor
went over your head. That's okay, But I think you
can still grasp what I'm trying to get across with
that comparison. So I want to bring this back because
(23:08):
the solution to this oversharing versus vulnerability thing isn't to
go into the world from dark matter where we just
have flip phones. And why is that not the solution? Well,
mainly because it's not realistic. We can't do that. We
cannot put the boundaries that we want on other people.
We can only look at what is not working for
us and make an adjustment from there the best we
(23:31):
can going back to like, we can have agency over
how we use things and how we show up, and
then also be mindful of the people around us and
maybe how they're showing up, and we don't have to
absorb all of that the same way. One of the
reasons I deleted TikTok. I don't have to absorb it
that way. There's not an end in sight for content creation,
and I like content creation to an extent. I don't
(23:55):
think it's all bad, so I don't want to get
rid of all of it. So maybe we look inward
at what kind of content we want to create, how
we'd want to show up? Is the problem? Really? What
we're sharing is the what is it how we're sharing it?
Or is it why you share? That makes all the
difference here? And I think the real answer is a
combination of all those things. It's not just one question
(24:18):
you have to ask. It's an alignment of all three
that allows us to get our needs met versus get
sucked into a cycle of attempting to get our needs
met or getting a crumb of our needs met. Brene
Brown wrote in her book Darren Greatly oversharing is not vulnerability.
In fact, it often results in disconnection, distrust, and disengagement.
(24:38):
And there is an article in the medium titled Vulnerability
versus Oversharing where to draw a line written by a
woman named Camilla Hankwts which I think I might be
pronouncing her last name incorrectly, but I'm trying anyway. In
that article, she wrote, oversharing often stems from unmet needs
(24:59):
for intimacy, connection and belonging. Sure, people will sympathize with you,
they'll even prize you for opening up, but it will
come at a cost to your business. Clients and your
employees want to feel secure. They want to know that
you got this. When you advertise your personal affairs, it
makes you appear messy and gives others fertile grounds to gossip.
(25:24):
And she was talking about vulnerability in the workplace, which
I think is a unique sector to even have this conversation.
And because everything's nuanced, you know, I like to bring
us back to that. I don't think that sharing on
social media is always bad, and sharing things that are
against the norm of what a lot of people share,
which is the highlights on social media is bad and
(25:46):
maybe for some people it's the only way they get
any semblance of connection. And to that, I would also suggest,
you know, maybe doing some work finding a third place,
like we talked about recently, to get some real life relationships,
so it doesn't have to be the only way you
can find any symbolte connection. Before I say this next part,
I don't want you guys to think that I'm saying
never share anything scarier or hard or not happy on
(26:08):
social media, or never be a tad bit vulnerable with
the people in your world in the workplace and things
like that. I'm not saying that. I think we need
to be more intentional about how we're doing that and
what our goal is. And in that article that I
just referenced, the author offers up a selection of questions
that was created by Brene Brown that we can ask
ourselves in order to overshare less, which in turn may
(26:33):
make more space for us to be vulnerable in our
intimate relationships. And she said these questions are for people
who are on the verge of splurge and also could
be helpful there's another space for I don't even mentioned this,
but also could be helpful to counteract the Oh, now
I need to share something vulnerable too, so the other
(26:53):
person doesn't feel uncomfortable urge that can come up when
somebody else is over sharing with us. We've experienced that, right,
So these are also questions you can use when you
are stuck in that space. So I want to share
them with you. And this is really the meat of
as we get to the end of the episode, the
meat of what I wanted to talk about and share
(27:13):
is there are questions we can ask so we can
show up more I think authentic versus vulnerable. Right, I
want us to show up as authentic more often and
vulnerable when it's the right time and space, when we
feel like that person said, like when the person in
front of us has earned the right to hear this
part of our story, when I know that I have
(27:33):
the ability to gain connection here and not just the
illusion of it. And so here's some questions you can
ask before you give in to that orsplurg One Why
am I sharing this? Two? What outcome am I hoping for? Three?
What are my expectations here and do they take into
an account the other person's boundaries and preferences? Four? Do
(27:59):
my intention align with my values? Oh? That one's good.
Five is there an outcome response or lack of a
response that will hurt my feelings? Six? Is this sharing
the service of connection? And seven? Does our relationship have
the earned trust to hold this kind of topic or
(28:22):
disclosure and that I'm going to read again. Does our
relationship have the earned trust to hold this topic or
disclosure that is so important? And I think that we
forget that we are allowed to be picky. I don't
know if that's the right word, but it's the word
that's coming to my head. We are allowed to be
(28:42):
picky with the people who get to know our whole story,
who get to know the insides of our outsides. We
are allowed to It is not the world's right to
know everything about us, even the influencers, it's not our
right to know everything about them. We are allowed to
open and share those parts of our story with people
that we know, we can trust and that we have
(29:03):
gained trust from. It doesn't mean the disclosures are going
to work out perfectly, but I think in the social
media world we've forgotten that it's okay you might not
be putting on a fake front by posting certain things
on Instagram and not posting the really vulnerable parts. That's
not you being fake, that's you having privacy, that's you
(29:24):
having boundaries. And it's one thing if we're lying about
what life is like, and if we're posting things that
really aren't true, like oh, look at me in my
perfect happy family and inside we're like screaming and yelling
on each other twenty four to seven. That's not what
I'm saying. You're allowed to post the things that are
appropriate within your own boundaries. And if we do the
(29:44):
overshare on social media and we think we get our
needs met but we don't, we won't be as inclined
to share outside of those circles. And I think that's
where there's two things that get me here. One is like, oh,
when you do that and you think you get your
needs met, but don't, you're not going to do the
scary or harder thing, which is to share in the
intimate settings. And the other thing is I don't always
(30:08):
think people have the best intentions when they're doing that.
And so on the receiving end, we think we're receiving
vulnerability when really we're actually being targeted, right, and somebody
is almost wanting us to gravitate towards them because they're
sending you the message that you're one of those people
that they trust, but like they don't really care about you.
(30:30):
And I don't like good people, caring people being exploited
in that way. So it's like twofold as I get
to the end here, One how do we show up?
And two how do we also separate the exploit of
vulnerability that is really just to get something from us
(30:50):
that does an in turn allow us to have that
same gift. And again then how do we show up
and so we can get our own needs met as well.
We don't have to be vulnerable all the time with everyone.
And just because somebody did on a podcast, somebody shared
something and that impacted you, it doesn't mean that you
then need to do it as well. I always go
(31:10):
back to JP Sacks when he shared that his music
isn't vulnerable because it's curated and you hear something how
he wants you to hear it, versus the raw, intimate,
unedited thoughts and feelings that he holds for those closest
to him and those who feel safe enough for him
to share with. We need that second part, And I
loved how honest, he was about the first part, And yeah,
(31:31):
I think you can again argue there's pieces of vulnerability
in that, but it's not the like I'm not really
connecting with him in that moment and having a real
human connection that in the moment authentically. Yeah, I can
feel connected to him from a distance, but I don't
have a relationship with this person I'm hearing on the radio.
They don't know who I am, and I don't really
know them. But maybe I connect with them in the
(31:54):
sense that I relate to them. That's very different. I
can relate to somebody, it doesn't mean that I'm connecting
with them. We need that second part. So maybe you
share something to let other people know that they're not alone.
I think that's okay. That makes sense that I'm not
saying nobody ever share something hard on the internet. It's
one of the reasons I do like music because I
(32:16):
can again relate. People want to be able to relate
and know that they're not alone and they're not the
only one. I like that, but I want people to
make sure that they are also getting the connection that
they are longing for after they post the crime selfie.
If that's for other people to receive that you're not alone.
I'm in this too. I still want those people to
know that they deserve to go and share the wholeness
(32:39):
of that story when they're ready with somebody that truly
can see them and know them and hold them in
that and that share might have helped someone else feel
us alone. Yes, but did you feel seen and known
and accepted for your fullness? Or did you get a
dose of affirmation for posting a picture that you might
have edited or at least maybe taken three shots of
to get the right I don't think the solution for
(33:02):
social media problems are to post more real stuff on
the internet, like I said earlier, and go against this
oh it's a highlight reel. I don't think that's the solution,
because we are seeing the real stuff with our friends
and family. That's my hope. We see that with people
around us, since we know that life is not perfect,
and then we can create boundaries around how we want
(33:22):
to use social media and see it and take it in.
I want us to make sure we are having those
real conversations with people as well as seeing it somewhere
on the internet, because that is what's going to actually
give us the life giving connection and understanding that we
are wanted and loved and enough and okay, even with
(33:43):
our bumps and our bruises. So that's going to do
it for me today. I hope this was helpful, and
it might have been confusing, but I think that that's
because this topic is confusing and I'm peeling it apart
with you. I don't have everything figured out spoiler alert.
Your therapist doesn't have everything figured out, but they can
help you do some of that work of figuring out
(34:03):
for yourself. So if you're in the need of a
therapist and you are in Tennessee, you can go to
three Chords Therapy at dot com and look at some
of the wonderful people we have at three Chords and
we can get you set up with somebody to help
you kind of peel back your own layers and have
some of those intimate conversations with because one person you
will be vulnerable with is your therapist. If you guys
(34:24):
have any thoughts, feelings, questions, comments, anything, you can send
that to Catherine at You Need Therapy Podcast. You can
follow us if you want to at You Need Therapy Podcast.
If you don't, you can just listen to me here,
and also remember we do have some fun merch stuff
on our website. You need therapy at podcast dot com,
so make sure to check that out. And I'll be
(34:44):
back with you guys on Wednesday for a new episode
of couch Talks. Until then, I hope you guys have
the day you need to have. Bye.
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