June 15, 2023 • 22 mins
Estrangement is extremely common in families. This week, Nedra talks a caller through how to manage relationships with the people that have put some hurtful boundaries in place.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi, listeners, I'm Nedra Glover to whib and you need
to hear this. Let's talk about estrangement for a minute.
It only happens in families, and it is when you
decide to sever ties with one or more family members. Now,
as we all know that, it affects multiple family relationships,
(00:24):
not just the relationship you're ending, but also the relationships
with the other people involved, because families are comprised of
many people, so it can be really challenging even if
you decide to cut off one person because there is
some ripple effect. But there are times when we make
decisions to end relationships for different reasons, and you know,
(00:50):
really common reasons include our values, our belief systems. Sometimes
there is an incident that occurs, but most often what
I hear about is this longstanding history of something happening
in the relationship that can be abuse, neglect, manipulation, all
(01:10):
sorts of things, and there comes a point when someone
says I am done enough. Also, you know, with in
law relationships, sometimes there are estrangements and then we have
issues with you know, things that come up such as funerals, births,
and our expectations not being met with each other. So
(01:30):
there's a whole assortment of reasons that someone might decide
to end a relationship. What can be challenging is the
person who is on the receiving end of an estrangement
may not know exactly what happened. It is not absolutely
(01:51):
clear because there's a lot of conversations that may happen
without them being present, and the other person has already
made that decision. It can be hard to try to
figure out and go through all of the things that
happened in the relationship to explore what you did, what
they did, what could have been different. I think that
(02:13):
is a really challenging part. But know that the person
who is deciding to end a relationship is also challenged because,
as we spoke about, it impacts so many of those
other relationships. So it's not typically done in haste. It
is done with some thought, and unfortunately those things are
(02:34):
not spoken about. And I would say estrangement is a
process where sometimes there is no closure because with family relationships,
even when the disconnection happens, you still have that emotional
tie to someone you know. You can't forget a parent,
(02:55):
you can't forget a sibling, you can't forget you know
some of the people who you've spent a large portion
of your time with, and so there is still that
emotional connection even when there is no physical connection to
a person. So sometimes we cannot estrange ourselves from the
existence or the memory of a person. We can say
(03:18):
I don't want you in my life, I no longer
choose to talk to you, but know that even with estrangements,
there is some residue that will continue to exist from
the relationship. According to the Family Estrangement Survey, twenty seven
percent of the US population reported having an estrangement in
(03:41):
their families. Now, of course, you know with statistics it
can be an underreporting. I talk to many people who
on some level are a strange from whether it is
a immediate family member or extended family members. So it's
not an uncommon thing, but it is shocking how often
(04:04):
we don't talk about it. It can be a very
painful thing perhaps to talk about, but it is more
common than we speak about. We got a really interesting
message that will listen to. After the break and we're back,
(04:25):
let's go ahead and listen to that voice message.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Hi there, I was raised in the South and I'm married.
I'm actually a doctoral intern in clinical psychology, finishing up
my doctorate. So I'm also a therapist and I've been
to therapy a couple of times. Most of my therapy
has focused on the issue that I'm going to be
(04:51):
telling you about today. So I grew up in a
pretty small town in the rural South. When I was seventeen,
I started dating my current husband, so it's been over
nine years now, and as a teenager, my partner was
able to come spend time with my family. He came
(05:14):
over for the holidays, birthdays. Then about six months or
so into the relationship, we graduated high school and he
had to go away for basic training. He had joined
the National Guard, so he was there for four or
five months, and then then when he got back, we
(05:34):
were both in college in a town that was about
an hour away from where we grew up, an hour
and a half something like that, So I didn't notice
any issues right away. But when he rolled around to
that next holiday season and I went home to see
my family that year, I was told that I wasn't
(05:55):
allowed to invite my boyfriend over. And I wasn't given
any explanation. It was just kind of what it was like,
This is the demand you're expected to follow. Yeah. Now
it's been at least eight years since that happened, and
my family has not spoken to my partner since when
we got engaged. In twenty nineteen, I was living in
(06:19):
Chicago going to grad school, and I facetimed my parents
the next day to tell them that I had gotten engaged,
and my parents responded very poorly to the news. My dad,
technically he's my stepdad, but he's been in my life
since I was three years old, so for all intents
(06:41):
and purposes, he is my dad. When I told him
that I had gotten engaged, he became very angry, and
basically he told me that I would have to build
a relationship with my biological father because he was not
going to walk me down the aisle at my wedding
and he wasn't going to be in attendance of my wedding.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
I hear your stepfather parting ways and saying, you know,
I think it's best if you start to build a
relationship with your biological father. So without saying I don't
want a relationship with you, he is saying I think
you should pivot or transition in this way. Sometimes it
(07:24):
is not what a person is saying, it's also what
they're not doing and what they are cautioning you to do.
So he said a lot there with that statement that
perhaps there is something else that you need to do
to have this father daughter relationship and it needs to
be outside of me.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Ultimately, my partner and I decided to lope. We didn't
have a wedding at all. The primary factor being that
my family wasn't going to be involved and I didn't
feel it was fair for his family to shoulder the
financial responsibility of a wedding. But it's been almost one
year to the day that we officially got married, and yeah,
(08:08):
I haven't seen my parents really since before we got engaged.
They stopped inviting me to holidays. I don't live near
them anymore, but I do still come to town for
some big events. It's caused a huge rift in my
family between my mom and my grandma, But my grandma
(08:28):
doesn't have all the details. She just thinks I'm kind
of not willing to have a relationship with them, and
that's not really the case. This Thanksgiving, actually I traveled
home and I sent a group text to both my
mom and my dad and I told them I will
be home between Wednesday and Saturday. I was hoping to
(08:51):
ask if you all would be willing to sit down
and have a conversation with me and my husband think
on it and let me know. And that was basically
my entire message. I didn't get any response, but I
know that they were there. I did get one response.
My mom told me, Okay, have a safe flight because
she knew that I would be flying. But that was it.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Have you had a conversation with your mom one on one?
Sometimes we assume that everybody feels the same way about
a situation, when really we need to talk to them
one on one to figure out what their perspective is
and what's possible in the relationship with them. Now, just
like you and your husband, your parents may come as
(09:35):
a package deal. So your mother may be unwilling to
have a relationship with you separate from the relationship she
has with your father, So it can be helpful to
maybe see what that is, if anything is possible there.
But ultimately I hear a lot of grieving. What is grieving, well,
(09:59):
it is so many things. I think in this situation,
grieving a living relationship with someone, it is allowing yourself
to be sad. It is knowing that perhaps you have
done all you can. It is also releasing the desire
(10:20):
to control the situation and change it. It's also letting
yourself become undone. This is a very tough situation to
be raised and to make a life decision and then
be turned away. That is a very tough outcome. And
(10:41):
perhaps there's some more crying that needs to occur. Perhaps
there is some more journaling that needs to happen to
work through those really heavy feelings. But to have a
relationship with someone for you know, eighteen nineteen, twenty years,
and then for that person to cut it off in
this way that hurts, and that hurt needs to be released.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
Yeah, and now my baby brother is having a baby
of his own. I don't know. There's just a lot
of distance, and I'm really on the outside and I
feel I've done my very best to communicate as clearly
and openly and respectfully as I possibly could, but I'm
just not being heard, or maybe I'm just not doing
(11:38):
it the right way. I don't know. When I broke
the news about my engagement, I told my parents that
I wasn't going to be able to split myself into
two different people anymore, and that I wanted to be
able to come home and be in the same room
with all of the people that I love at the
(12:00):
same time. And that kind of statement was viewed as
an ultimatum of if you don't accept me and my partner,
then I'm not going to be in your life anymore,
which I guess is kind of fair and possibly kind
of true, but I didn't expect it to be met with
such animosity and now just like years of silence. Yeah, So,
(12:27):
any thoughts, any advice. I don't know if I'm doing
things right. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Wow, you know, I think there is no right way
for very hard situations. I do think that with issuing
an automatum, it's essentially giving a person a choice do
this thing or not. And it sounds like your parents
have decided not to honor that request of embracing your partner.
(13:03):
That is a very harsh reaction. I hear from you
that it feels very hard, but it's also an option
that you gave them. They had the option to say
I don't want to deal with you and your partner,
we want to have a relationship with you, or we
(13:23):
want to exclude your partner. However, they're thinking about it,
and I think, you know, when we give someone the option,
our work is really to learn to deal with their reaction,
it's not to change it. And I hear that this
is it seems harsh, it seems hurtful. You want to
(13:44):
mend the relationship. But I do wonder can you have
the scenario that you want with people who don't want
the same thing. Your parents are being very clear and
saying this is not what we want. We don't want
this person in our lives, even if they're in your life.
(14:08):
We don't want this now from what you've said. They
haven't said that, And that part is truly hard, because
I hear a lot of assuming, a lot of great area.
We aren't clear. There hasn't been a lot of communication
on their side, but I bet that they're having a
lot of conversations between the two of them that they
(14:29):
may not feel, you know, need to be communicated to
you because they've made their decision and it is one
that unfortunately excludes you as a member of the family.
I would say, you know, this whole thing of you know,
your parents not wanting to attend your wedding, not wanting
(14:50):
to sit down with you over the Thanksgiving holiday. That
is very tough, and I wonder how you can start
the work of looking at this relationship and putting the
pieces together of what your parents have given you. What
(15:12):
they've given you is they don't want to have a
relationship with your husband. You have a few options here.
Do you want to continue on that path and say
that he needs to be included. Do you want to
say it is very important for me to have the relationship,
(15:34):
so I'm willing to have it without him. You know,
those are your choices. I hear that you are choosing
to stick with I want to be one unit, and
it's your right to do that. It makes so much
sense to do that. I don't want you to feel
like you need to change that. But also, if that's
(15:54):
what you're deciding, how do you better deal with their
reaction without trying to change Because it sounds like you've
been very clear, you know, maybe more so than your
parents because you don't even know what they're thinking. But
it sounds like you've sent some you know, lengthy text messages,
you've said some things you know verbally in person, and
(16:14):
it's not being received. And I don't know if you
could make a person listen to you. I think there
are things that we say to people and we think,
oh my gosh, maybe I'm not being clear enough. If
I say this a different way, if I say it
on a different day, if I say it via text,
if I send them a letter. And there are times
where people just disagree. And in this situation, you know,
(16:40):
it sounds like that estrangement occurred because there are some
expectations that your parents are saying, I'm unwilling to meet that.
How do we allow them to have that choice? And
I wonder, even with them having that choice, what is
possible for your relationship with them, because it sounds like
you really want to keep it. Just because they don't
(17:03):
want to talk to your husband, does that mean that
they can no longer talk to you. That is a
choice that you will have to decide to make. What
is your husband's position on this? Is he saying, you know,
if they don't want a relationship with me, they can't
have one with you. Is he saying, pursue the relationship
with your parents. That might not look like spending holidays
(17:25):
with them, but it could look like, you know, maybe
having some small talk via text, sharing some articles talking
about family things talking about, you know, things outside of
the issue in the relationship. That is a choice, and
also it is a choice for you to say we
are a party of one and we want to be accepted.
(17:48):
If you will continue with that, you will have to
grieve the loss of them honoring your request. You will
have to grieve the loss of them being a part
of certain events, certain parts of your life, because they
have been very clear in saying we are not interested.
(18:11):
I think the solution here is grief. And as I
look at you, know your question, am I in the wrong?
How do I move forward here? I don't think you're
in the wrong. You're entitled to your expectation in this
situation and know that your parents are entitled to a reaction,
(18:35):
and we have to deal with both. You know, two
things could be true. You can want what you want
and they can want something different, and that is really
tough to reconcile, but it is the truth of this situation.
And how do you move forward? You know, it seems
(18:56):
like this relationship with your husband was so important to
you that you said, hey, we come as a package deal.
You continue this relationship over many years. There's a lot
of confusion with your parents there. It sounds like you
already have family. It's the one that you're creating with
your husband and perhaps his family, perhaps the other people
(19:19):
in your life. I think that family is who you choose.
It's not always who you're born to. So create some family,
create some deep connections, find some mother figures, find some
father figures. Maybe that idea of reconnecting with your biological
father wasn't a bad one. You know, there are so
(19:42):
many people who we ignore because we're chasing family. We
ignore the nice lady at works who brings us cookies
every Friday. We ignore the neighbor who pulls our garbage
can back, or the person who always waves us. Perhaps
those are the really relationships that we need to pursue.
So I wonder what sort of family can you create.
(20:06):
It seems like you still have a good thing going
with your brother. There's your family, So family is all
around you. We are talking about two people in particular
who are saying this is my stance. So in terms
of moving forward, I think you move towards the family
(20:26):
that you choose and the people that are already there
showing you what love is. Caller, thank you so much
for this thoughtful message. I know it's not easy opening
up and sharing, and also it can be really hard
to receive. So I hope that I said something that
(20:49):
lands well with you, even a piece of it, I
hope could be hopeful for you. With estrangement, it is
an uncomfortable process us on both sides, and it's impactful
to not just the one or two people involved, but
to multiple people in the family. We don't know what
(21:10):
the ending is to this. It could be a pause
in the relationship. It can be something that picks up
in the future. You know, many times with estrangement, relationships
come back together after some time. But in the meantime,
it sounds like you have built family, and I wonder
(21:33):
if your focus can be on your relationships that you're
currently curating that are going well and adding to that
while you wait or while we see what happens to
the relationship with your parents. You need to hear this.
(21:56):
Not everything has a happy ending, and with family estrangements,
we really don't know the ending. We only know the
now and right now you may be in a difficult space,
but hopefully things will improve with your family. You need
to hear This is an iHeart production hosted by me
(22:20):
Nedra Glover to wob Our executive producer is Joe el Bonique.
Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
relationships at you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
(22:41):
to it, and share this episode with someone who needs
to hear this. Talk to you next time.
Hi, listeners, I'm Nedra Glover to whib and you need
to hear this. Let's talk about estrangement for a minute.
It only happens in families, and it is when you
decide to sever ties with one or more family members. Now,
as we all know that, it affects multiple family relationships,
(00:24):
not just the relationship you're ending, but also the relationships
with the other people involved, because families are comprised of
many people, so it can be really challenging even if
you decide to cut off one person because there is
some ripple effect. But there are times when we make
decisions to end relationships for different reasons, and you know,
(00:50):
really common reasons include our values, our belief systems. Sometimes
there is an incident that occurs, but most often what
I hear about is this longstanding history of something happening
in the relationship that can be abuse, neglect, manipulation, all
(01:10):
sorts of things, and there comes a point when someone
says I am done enough. Also, you know, with in
law relationships, sometimes there are estrangements and then we have
issues with you know, things that come up such as funerals, births,
and our expectations not being met with each other. So
(01:30):
there's a whole assortment of reasons that someone might decide
to end a relationship. What can be challenging is the
person who is on the receiving end of an estrangement
may not know exactly what happened. It is not absolutely
(01:51):
clear because there's a lot of conversations that may happen
without them being present, and the other person has already
made that decision. It can be hard to try to
figure out and go through all of the things that
happened in the relationship to explore what you did, what
they did, what could have been different. I think that
(02:13):
is a really challenging part. But know that the person
who is deciding to end a relationship is also challenged because,
as we spoke about, it impacts so many of those
other relationships. So it's not typically done in haste. It
is done with some thought, and unfortunately those things are
(02:34):
not spoken about. And I would say estrangement is a
process where sometimes there is no closure because with family relationships,
even when the disconnection happens, you still have that emotional
tie to someone you know. You can't forget a parent,
(02:55):
you can't forget a sibling, you can't forget you know
some of the people who you've spent a large portion
of your time with, and so there is still that
emotional connection even when there is no physical connection to
a person. So sometimes we cannot estrange ourselves from the
existence or the memory of a person. We can say
(03:18):
I don't want you in my life, I no longer
choose to talk to you, but know that even with estrangements,
there is some residue that will continue to exist from
the relationship. According to the Family Estrangement Survey, twenty seven
percent of the US population reported having an estrangement in
(03:41):
their families. Now, of course, you know with statistics it
can be an underreporting. I talk to many people who
on some level are a strange from whether it is
a immediate family member or extended family members. So it's
not an uncommon thing, but it is shocking how often
(04:04):
we don't talk about it. It can be a very
painful thing perhaps to talk about, but it is more
common than we speak about. We got a really interesting
message that will listen to. After the break and we're back,
(04:25):
let's go ahead and listen to that voice message.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Hi there, I was raised in the South and I'm married.
I'm actually a doctoral intern in clinical psychology, finishing up
my doctorate. So I'm also a therapist and I've been
to therapy a couple of times. Most of my therapy
has focused on the issue that I'm going to be
(04:51):
telling you about today. So I grew up in a
pretty small town in the rural South. When I was seventeen,
I started dating my current husband, so it's been over
nine years now, and as a teenager, my partner was
able to come spend time with my family. He came
(05:14):
over for the holidays, birthdays. Then about six months or
so into the relationship, we graduated high school and he
had to go away for basic training. He had joined
the National Guard, so he was there for four or
five months, and then then when he got back, we
(05:34):
were both in college in a town that was about
an hour away from where we grew up, an hour
and a half something like that, So I didn't notice
any issues right away. But when he rolled around to
that next holiday season and I went home to see
my family that year, I was told that I wasn't
(05:55):
allowed to invite my boyfriend over. And I wasn't given
any explanation. It was just kind of what it was like,
This is the demand you're expected to follow. Yeah. Now
it's been at least eight years since that happened, and
my family has not spoken to my partner since when
we got engaged. In twenty nineteen, I was living in
(06:19):
Chicago going to grad school, and I facetimed my parents
the next day to tell them that I had gotten engaged,
and my parents responded very poorly to the news. My dad,
technically he's my stepdad, but he's been in my life
since I was three years old, so for all intents
(06:41):
and purposes, he is my dad. When I told him
that I had gotten engaged, he became very angry, and
basically he told me that I would have to build
a relationship with my biological father because he was not
going to walk me down the aisle at my wedding
and he wasn't going to be in attendance of my wedding.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
I hear your stepfather parting ways and saying, you know,
I think it's best if you start to build a
relationship with your biological father. So without saying I don't
want a relationship with you, he is saying I think
you should pivot or transition in this way. Sometimes it
(07:24):
is not what a person is saying, it's also what
they're not doing and what they are cautioning you to do.
So he said a lot there with that statement that
perhaps there is something else that you need to do
to have this father daughter relationship and it needs to
be outside of me.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
Ultimately, my partner and I decided to lope. We didn't
have a wedding at all. The primary factor being that
my family wasn't going to be involved and I didn't
feel it was fair for his family to shoulder the
financial responsibility of a wedding. But it's been almost one
year to the day that we officially got married, and yeah,
(08:08):
I haven't seen my parents really since before we got engaged.
They stopped inviting me to holidays. I don't live near
them anymore, but I do still come to town for
some big events. It's caused a huge rift in my
family between my mom and my grandma, But my grandma
(08:28):
doesn't have all the details. She just thinks I'm kind
of not willing to have a relationship with them, and
that's not really the case. This Thanksgiving, actually I traveled
home and I sent a group text to both my
mom and my dad and I told them I will
be home between Wednesday and Saturday. I was hoping to
(08:51):
ask if you all would be willing to sit down
and have a conversation with me and my husband think
on it and let me know. And that was basically
my entire message. I didn't get any response, but I
know that they were there. I did get one response.
My mom told me, Okay, have a safe flight because
she knew that I would be flying. But that was it.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Have you had a conversation with your mom one on one?
Sometimes we assume that everybody feels the same way about
a situation, when really we need to talk to them
one on one to figure out what their perspective is
and what's possible in the relationship with them. Now, just
like you and your husband, your parents may come as
(09:35):
a package deal. So your mother may be unwilling to
have a relationship with you separate from the relationship she
has with your father, So it can be helpful to
maybe see what that is, if anything is possible there.
But ultimately I hear a lot of grieving. What is grieving, well,
(09:59):
it is so many things. I think in this situation,
grieving a living relationship with someone, it is allowing yourself
to be sad. It is knowing that perhaps you have
done all you can. It is also releasing the desire
(10:20):
to control the situation and change it. It's also letting
yourself become undone. This is a very tough situation to
be raised and to make a life decision and then
be turned away. That is a very tough outcome. And
(10:41):
perhaps there's some more crying that needs to occur. Perhaps
there is some more journaling that needs to happen to
work through those really heavy feelings. But to have a
relationship with someone for you know, eighteen nineteen, twenty years,
and then for that person to cut it off in
this way that hurts, and that hurt needs to be released.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
Yeah, and now my baby brother is having a baby
of his own. I don't know. There's just a lot
of distance, and I'm really on the outside and I
feel I've done my very best to communicate as clearly
and openly and respectfully as I possibly could, but I'm
just not being heard, or maybe I'm just not doing
(11:38):
it the right way. I don't know. When I broke
the news about my engagement, I told my parents that
I wasn't going to be able to split myself into
two different people anymore, and that I wanted to be
able to come home and be in the same room
with all of the people that I love at the
(12:00):
same time. And that kind of statement was viewed as
an ultimatum of if you don't accept me and my partner,
then I'm not going to be in your life anymore,
which I guess is kind of fair and possibly kind
of true, but I didn't expect it to be met with
such animosity and now just like years of silence. Yeah, So,
(12:27):
any thoughts, any advice. I don't know if I'm doing
things right. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Wow, you know, I think there is no right way
for very hard situations. I do think that with issuing
an automatum, it's essentially giving a person a choice do
this thing or not. And it sounds like your parents
have decided not to honor that request of embracing your partner.
(13:03):
That is a very harsh reaction. I hear from you
that it feels very hard, but it's also an option
that you gave them. They had the option to say
I don't want to deal with you and your partner,
we want to have a relationship with you, or we
(13:23):
want to exclude your partner. However, they're thinking about it,
and I think, you know, when we give someone the option,
our work is really to learn to deal with their reaction,
it's not to change it. And I hear that this
is it seems harsh, it seems hurtful. You want to
(13:44):
mend the relationship. But I do wonder can you have
the scenario that you want with people who don't want
the same thing. Your parents are being very clear and
saying this is not what we want. We don't want
this person in our lives, even if they're in your life.
(14:08):
We don't want this now from what you've said. They
haven't said that, And that part is truly hard, because
I hear a lot of assuming, a lot of great area.
We aren't clear. There hasn't been a lot of communication
on their side, but I bet that they're having a
lot of conversations between the two of them that they
(14:29):
may not feel, you know, need to be communicated to
you because they've made their decision and it is one
that unfortunately excludes you as a member of the family.
I would say, you know, this whole thing of you know,
your parents not wanting to attend your wedding, not wanting
(14:50):
to sit down with you over the Thanksgiving holiday. That
is very tough, and I wonder how you can start
the work of looking at this relationship and putting the
pieces together of what your parents have given you. What
(15:12):
they've given you is they don't want to have a
relationship with your husband. You have a few options here.
Do you want to continue on that path and say
that he needs to be included. Do you want to
say it is very important for me to have the relationship,
(15:34):
so I'm willing to have it without him. You know,
those are your choices. I hear that you are choosing
to stick with I want to be one unit, and
it's your right to do that. It makes so much
sense to do that. I don't want you to feel
like you need to change that. But also, if that's
(15:54):
what you're deciding, how do you better deal with their
reaction without trying to change Because it sounds like you've
been very clear, you know, maybe more so than your
parents because you don't even know what they're thinking. But
it sounds like you've sent some you know, lengthy text messages,
you've said some things you know verbally in person, and
(16:14):
it's not being received. And I don't know if you
could make a person listen to you. I think there
are things that we say to people and we think,
oh my gosh, maybe I'm not being clear enough. If
I say this a different way, if I say it
on a different day, if I say it via text,
if I send them a letter. And there are times
where people just disagree. And in this situation, you know,
(16:40):
it sounds like that estrangement occurred because there are some
expectations that your parents are saying, I'm unwilling to meet that.
How do we allow them to have that choice? And
I wonder, even with them having that choice, what is
possible for your relationship with them, because it sounds like
you really want to keep it. Just because they don't
(17:03):
want to talk to your husband, does that mean that
they can no longer talk to you. That is a
choice that you will have to decide to make. What
is your husband's position on this? Is he saying, you know,
if they don't want a relationship with me, they can't
have one with you. Is he saying, pursue the relationship
with your parents. That might not look like spending holidays
(17:25):
with them, but it could look like, you know, maybe
having some small talk via text, sharing some articles talking
about family things talking about, you know, things outside of
the issue in the relationship. That is a choice, and
also it is a choice for you to say we
are a party of one and we want to be accepted.
(17:48):
If you will continue with that, you will have to
grieve the loss of them honoring your request. You will
have to grieve the loss of them being a part
of certain events, certain parts of your life, because they
have been very clear in saying we are not interested.
(18:11):
I think the solution here is grief. And as I
look at you, know your question, am I in the wrong?
How do I move forward here? I don't think you're
in the wrong. You're entitled to your expectation in this
situation and know that your parents are entitled to a reaction,
(18:35):
and we have to deal with both. You know, two
things could be true. You can want what you want
and they can want something different, and that is really
tough to reconcile, but it is the truth of this situation.
And how do you move forward? You know, it seems
(18:56):
like this relationship with your husband was so important to
you that you said, hey, we come as a package deal.
You continue this relationship over many years. There's a lot
of confusion with your parents there. It sounds like you
already have family. It's the one that you're creating with
your husband and perhaps his family, perhaps the other people
(19:19):
in your life. I think that family is who you choose.
It's not always who you're born to. So create some family,
create some deep connections, find some mother figures, find some
father figures. Maybe that idea of reconnecting with your biological
father wasn't a bad one. You know, there are so
(19:42):
many people who we ignore because we're chasing family. We
ignore the nice lady at works who brings us cookies
every Friday. We ignore the neighbor who pulls our garbage
can back, or the person who always waves us. Perhaps
those are the really relationships that we need to pursue.
So I wonder what sort of family can you create.
(20:06):
It seems like you still have a good thing going
with your brother. There's your family, So family is all
around you. We are talking about two people in particular
who are saying this is my stance. So in terms
of moving forward, I think you move towards the family
(20:26):
that you choose and the people that are already there
showing you what love is. Caller, thank you so much
for this thoughtful message. I know it's not easy opening
up and sharing, and also it can be really hard
to receive. So I hope that I said something that
(20:49):
lands well with you, even a piece of it, I
hope could be hopeful for you. With estrangement, it is
an uncomfortable process us on both sides, and it's impactful
to not just the one or two people involved, but
to multiple people in the family. We don't know what
(21:10):
the ending is to this. It could be a pause
in the relationship. It can be something that picks up
in the future. You know, many times with estrangement, relationships
come back together after some time. But in the meantime,
it sounds like you have built family, and I wonder
(21:33):
if your focus can be on your relationships that you're
currently curating that are going well and adding to that
while you wait or while we see what happens to
the relationship with your parents. You need to hear this.
(21:56):
Not everything has a happy ending, and with family estrangements,
we really don't know the ending. We only know the
now and right now you may be in a difficult space,
but hopefully things will improve with your family. You need
to hear This is an iHeart production hosted by me
(22:20):
Nedra Glover to wob Our executive producer is Joe el Bonique.
Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
relationships at you need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com.
Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
(22:41):
to it, and share this episode with someone who needs
to hear this. Talk to you next time.
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