Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nedrik lover to WIB and
you need to hear this. This week. We have a
letter about a big family argument that has been carrying
on for years and years, and it is the same argument,
and I want you to think about, what are those
(00:23):
stuck points in some of your relationships where it's the
same thing and you're feeling the same way about it.
I want us to think today as we listen to
this call and to my responses, what am I holding
on to that I need to release for myself? What
(00:46):
am I holding on to that I need to release
for my peace of mind.
Speaker 2 (00:53):
I'm hoping that you can give some advice on a
current ongoing family feud. About three years ago, my husband
and I were days out from our wedding when sucdly
my sister in law and brother in law demanded that
we apologized to them for causing their wedding to be
late and making it so they don't get any family photos.
I'd like to add that their wedding was three years
prior to our wedding and we had honestly never heard
(01:14):
of this being something that they were upset about. To
give you a bit more backstory on this incident. The
day of their wedding, my fiance called his mom and
requested that I come to the hotel earlier than planned,
where the bridal party was getting their hair and makeup done.
The plan was to hopefully get me in earlier than
plans so that I could get home, get the family,
and head to the venue without running into evening traffic.
(01:35):
We'd hit evening traffic the night prior for the rehearsal dinner,
and we were trying to avoid that. They did allow
me to come earlier, but once I got there, I
didn't get my hair and makeup done until hours later.
For whatever reason, they had me sit there for hours,
even though we made our concerns very known about the timing.
Once there, I didn't mention the timing again, as we
had already expressed concern and I felt it was out
(01:56):
of my hands. I will say I have a suspicion
that my sister in law wasn't too thrilled with me
being there getting my makeup done, as I had removed
myself from the wedding party, so maybe that had something
to do with the urgency I was given in the
queue of bridesmaids. My fiance and I and our two
little girls ended up being late to the wedding, so
was the bride and groom an entire wedding party for
that matter. As for the family photos, there were plenty
(02:18):
of opportunities during the wedding for the bride and groom
to get the family photos, had they put in effort
and worked with their photographer. Nothing was ever said, though,
and the wedding went on and I thought everything was
okay between us. It never even crossed my mind there
was animosity towards us, especially because of their wedding. On
our way out that night, my sister in law even
grabbed me and told me how much she cared for me.
(02:38):
It was a sweet gesture, as she and I had
what felt like a falling out leading up to her wedding.
I stepped down as a bridesmaid months earlier because I
could not handle her poor behavior. She turned into a bridezilla.
Her laid back, chill demeanor that I had always adored
had gone out the window. I was understanding that this
was her big day and trying my best to deal
with it for as long as possible, but for mental
health purposes, not being in the wedding party and subjecting
(03:01):
myself to hurt any longer. It was a relief. It's
something I'm happy I did, even though I know doing so,
I was looked at as if I was the bad guy.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
I can't recall what exact years, but there was this
show and I'm not sure if it still comes on,
but it was a show called Bridezilla, and I used
to watch this. I was heavy in my reality TV
show watching years. This was also around the time of
you know, maybe Flavor of Love and Bad Girls Club
and you know, all these really fun reality shows, and
(03:35):
watching Bridezilla, you know, episode after episode you would see
these highly stressed scenarios and you know, people not able
to emotionally regulate themselves. After watching a few episodes, I
realized that they have a recipe sort of for self
(03:57):
destruction and for ruining your real relationships post wedding. And
it was to create like a high intensity, high stressful
sort of environment. Like I don't know if it was like, hey,
let's make all the caterers quit on this person, and
then it would be like, oh my gosh, I have
(04:17):
to make the food for my wedding, and you know,
it was just always chaos, and I think sometimes we
think that's how weddings have to be. I get so
many questions around I'm getting married. It's going to be
so stressful, the anticipation is already there. It's going to
(04:38):
be so stressful. It's going to be a terrible experience.
How do I get through this? And I have to
believe that some of the people we've seen, some of
the stories we heard, certainly this one, you know, Certainly
things we've seen on TV sort of influenced this idea
that there is a way where suppose to act as
(05:01):
a bride, There are certain things we are supposed to
expect and demand of other people. And I don't believe
it to be true. I think there are some folks
who have a very peaceful process and they don't lose
their relationships in the wedding process. I think the way
(05:23):
that we do that is with boundaries. We are clear
with our expectations up front. We're not overloading people with
things to do. We're managing our mood because sometimes when
we are stressed, we can't be a little snappy. We
can be demanding. We can tell people, you know, how
they should pose in a picture. Oh my gosh, I
(05:45):
say off white, you have beige. You know, we can
do things when we're already really stressed, maybe about finances,
maybe about you know, becoming a part of a new family.
Maybe our best friend who's the maid of honor is
not you know, maybe they're newly pregnant. You weren't expecting that.
Like all of these sort of things come up, we
(06:08):
have the power to better manage our situations. Now in
this case, who knew that the issues were there? Who
knew that this person was so upset about these things
that didn't happen years before, and now this energy is
being transitioned into a new family wedding. It is up
(06:33):
to us to set our expectations reasonably, and so that
is what will help preserve those relationships. Now, let's think
about some reasonable expectations. If you are fresh out of
college and you want to get married and all of
your friends are recently graduated, you may not want to
(06:55):
have the most expensive wedding of your dreams and expect
everybody to travel to whatever paradise and be able to
pay for themselves and have you know, the thousand dollars
bridesmaids dresses. And if you do that, maybe expect that
some people can't go along with it. Maybe expect that,
you know, there will be some people in your family
(07:16):
who are going to have some feedback. Maybe expect that
your sister in law isn't always going to be bubbly
about your experience. How can we temper our expectations around
our weddings? It is such a special day, you know,
I think so many of us we're planning, we're processing,
We're like, this person must do this. Nobody can ruin
(07:39):
my day. But I promise you a wedding is just
one day in the grand scheme of being married. And
if we don't get through this baby step, we will
have some challenges ahead in our marriages and in those
families that we are becoming a part of. And it
(08:01):
sounds like if that is not remedied early on, it
just it just keeps going and all of these issues
sort of come up, unfortunately at a time that isn't
even about you. So that brings me to my next thought.
Passive aggressiveness. You know, I know it's a phrase that
(08:22):
many of us have heard, like what is it? Though?
One big thing that it is is bringing up information
or aggrievance at an inappropriate time. It's not your moment,
this is not your event. No one said, hey, does
anyone have any issues here? And here you are stating
(08:42):
an issue. Here, you are throwing something in someone's face
that can be very passive aggressive, passive because you hadn't
said anything about it, and you've been holding onto this
aggressive based on the way that it's coming out. The
behavior after is an indication of how you felt about
(09:05):
this thing for months, four weeks, four years, and it's
sort of coats, you know, some of those future experiences
with people. So let's continue to listen to this letter,
and I'm sure you know thrown in here there will
be some more things that we'll be able to pull out.
(09:26):
Let's keep listening.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Months after the wedding, we went on a week long
family vacation with my in laws, including my sister and
brother in law. Everything was great on that vacation and
we felt like we got to bond with them and
fall into our old friendship. So my husband and I
were very taken back when they demanded an apology and
created these issues out of nowhere just days before our wedding.
It truly felt like they were trying to sabotage all
the work we had put into our wedding. The timing
of them bringing up these issues was just too bizarre. This, too,
(09:52):
is an odd situation because we used to be extremely
close with my sister and brother in law. Pardon me
believes that it wasn't actually about needing an apology for
the wedding. There have been several comments and conversations over
the years from my in laws about how there's possibly
some degree of jealousy at play with my sister in
law towards us. We ultimately decided not to apologize for
their wedding because we didn't want to be inauthentic and
tell them what they wanted to hear, because in our hearts,
(10:14):
we do not believe we cause their wedding to be late,
or do we take responsibility for them not getting the
photos they wanted.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Can I just say that I appreciate when people are
brave enough to not apologize when they don't mean it,
because you know, we certainly live in a culture where
you just issue the apology to move along, or you
just make up something you know to I apologize you
feel that way, I apologize I wasn't in your pictures
(10:46):
and it's like, I don't really mean it. I'm just
signing this so you'll stop talking to me about it.
But when we can really sit with that and say, hmm,
I actually don't apologize. I do want this relationship with you.
I wonder how we can can work through it. But
this is not a situation that I'm ready to take
any accountability for. And it doesn't mean that you'll never apologize.
(11:10):
It just might mean you need more time. You're not
ready yet, you don't have enough information. In hindsight, you
might see some things that you know bring you to
the point of, ah, I really did hurt them. I
did cause you know, this sort of rift in the
family or whatever it is. But to say right now,
I'm not feeling that, and so I do want to
(11:32):
continue in this relationship, but I can't offer you what
you need. I think that's a very brave place to
land that I'm not ready yet and I want us
to continue, and I wonder how we can work through this.
Sometimes you know when it's when it's time to apologize.
(11:52):
Having more information and really developing the compassion for the
person who is injured can help you discover, you know
where the apology is maybe is not the apology for
the thing that there think, and it might be for
something else. So you know, sitting and having conversations and
developing your compassion can reveal what the apology needs to be.
(12:18):
Let's take a break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
There's such an unwillingness to communicate from either one of them.
We begged my sister in law and brother in law
to come talk to us before our wedding so we
could resolve any issues, and they refused. There was absolutely
no desire to figure this out on their end, and
it felt as if they just wanted to play the
blame game with how they were acting. We ultimately asked
them not to come to the wedding if they couldn't
come talk to us and help us get to the
(12:48):
bottom of everything. Since then, there's been so much ugly
drama but this happening. I had even gone no contact
with my in laws for about six months because it
felt so draining and toxic. At certain points, it felt
like my mother in law and father in law were
taking some in all of this, so I felt best
going no contact at that point. The family dynamic is
very intertwined. My father in law owns an electrical company
whom both my husband and sister in law both work for.
(13:11):
So even when we wanted to distance ourselves from the
negativity and let things calm down, it was very difficult.
I do suppose time has helped, but we do not
have a relationship with either my sister or brother in law.
Now we've attended a handful of family gatherings with them
and we have literally not spoken to one another, have
avoided eye contact and shuffled around each other the best
we can without engaging with one another. It has made birthdays,
(13:31):
holidays and get together is very stressful and something I dread.
In some cases, my husband and I have declinented joining
in the family festivities, including some major holidays, because we
want to avoid the uncomfortableness and awkwardness.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
At this point, avoidance will often leave us in the
same experience. If we want to move forward in a situation,
we sometimes have to be willing to sit with that discomfort.
In those awkward moments after we've had disputes with people,
(14:04):
we have to you know, accept their call and maybe, oh,
they're going to have small talk and really get into
a rhythm again. Because if we avoid sometimes we just
end up staying away. We continue to maintain the silence,
We continue to carry that thing that that happened because
(14:26):
we haven't chosen to re engage. I learned my level
of moving forward when I became a parent. I didn't
I didn't even know it was possible to be so
offended by someone and and then just you know, have
(14:46):
to feed this person. You know, your kid flips out
in the target parking line and kicking a tire and
you're like, you know what, I still want to get
you in the car safely, Like I just I just
want to get us home, you know, I just want
to I just want to lay you down. Like it's like,
I'm not past that situation, but I can move forward
(15:08):
with you. There is no grudge, there is no punishment.
I understand that you were upset, and I'm not personalizing it.
I would be upset too if I passed all that
candy and could never get it right. Like you start
to acknowledge that holding the grudge means hurting the person.
(15:28):
Holding the grudge means that you're no longer in the
relationship with this person. So if I'm saying, you know,
I would really like this relationship to work or I
would really like to resolve this situation. I have to
lean into that initial discomfort of resolving the situation, which
(15:48):
is going to be some awkwardness. Now again, we may
need to set some boundaries around Hey, you know, this
situation happened. It doesn't seem like it's anything that we
can agree about out. You know, we all have our
different positions, and what could be helpful is if we
choose not to talk about it anymore, and we choose
not to have these side conversations about it, what could
(16:11):
it look like if we continue to move forward without
revisiting this thing. The agreement can be we don't talk
about this for now until we have a better perspective
about it. Maybe we need some family therapy, maybe we
need some individual therapy. But there are other things that
(16:31):
we need to explore before we can come back to
this conversation. Because what happens is we'll hold on to
our point. You know, I can think of tons of
scenarios where I could have been in seventh grade and
I still feel like I'm right about that situation. Right,
It's like, no, that teacher, It's like, you know, if
(16:52):
I really look at the situation, from outside myself, maybe
I could see I'm wrong. Maybe if I had another
voice in the matter, maybe I could see this from
a different perspective or their perspective. But when we are
holding on to note I was right, I'm always right
in situations, it's really hard to have any movement around
(17:12):
the idea, and sometimes we just have to agree we don't.
This is something we can't talk about weddings. You know,
we had our issue with them. Now we need to
focus on who can be the monopoly champion in this family.
We need a new topic, We need a new thing.
We cannot focus on these old things, the initial awkwardness
(17:34):
and you know, just sitting there and not knowing what
to talk about. You can be the icebreaker. You can
be the person to have regular conversation. You can be
the person to play games, you can be the person
to coordinate the event. Some things don't deserve second, third, fourth,
and fifth conversations about them, because we're going back to
(17:57):
those conversations with the same mind said, I'm going to
say here, everybody was right from their own perspective. According
to your perspective, you were correct. According to your sister
and brother in law, they were correct. Accord everybody's right.
How do we continue on with everybody being right in
(18:19):
it not being okay for us? Let's keep listening.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
Our last most recent blaw up with my sister and
brother in law was at my son's one year birthday party.
We decided to have my son's birthday party at my
in law's home because my father in law has health
conditions that make it hard for him to be out
for too long. Unfortunately, my in law's house has a
ring camera on it and my sister in law has
access to everything on that camera. There is concern for
my mother in law how this would make my sister
and brother in law feel if they saw us going
(18:48):
over for a little birthday party for our son without
extending an invitation to them. In this situation, it led
to some pressure to invite them and for us to
be the bigger people. I wish we hadn't given it
a feeling that way and not try to people please
in this situation, because it ultimately led to many problems
for months. My brother in law is not very fond
of anything that has to do with family get togethers,
let alone get togethers that are sprung on him last minute.
(19:10):
He's overall just not the family oriented type. He shows
up only when it's absolutely expected and or necessary, and
it makes for a very uncomfortable situation, especially since we've
never resolved anything from the past. We ultimately went against
our better judgment and invited them, knowing it would be uncomfortable.
I believe that my sister in law actually wanted to
be there. However, the energy that my brother in law
walked in with was quite disgusting. He walked in and
(19:33):
you could feel the energy radiating off of him that
he did not want to be there. Essentially, this was
an inconvenience for him. When he walked in, we weren't
even able to say hello because he didn't even attempt
to make eye contact with us. He walked straight past us,
sat down and started watching the football game. It was
such an incredibly awkward and hurtful situation. My husband and
I decided that the best course of action for the
(19:54):
situation was for us to leave and go home to celebrate.
By us leaving, it did cost some drama, but honestly,
sitting there for an extended amount of time. People who
act like that about coming to their one year old
nephew's birthday party sounded absolutely miserable and not something we
were going to entertain, and this time arguing did break
out briefly, which honestly, I know we could have handled better,
but everyone's emotions got the best of them. A few
(20:15):
days after this incident, after much thought, I reached out
to my sister in law. I asked her if we
could please speak in person and get to the bottom
of this. Her response to me was that she would
meet me and we could talk, but she would not
participate in discussing the past. She made it very clear
she was only interested in talking about the future. With
that response, I didn't push for a meetup, as I
(20:35):
felt it wouldn't be productive. After this incident, there was
months of drama. Several holidays were done separately. Since then,
I started therapy to try and figure out the best
course of action for us to take as a family
in the situation. We've been open to the idea of
rekindling a relationship with them under the condition that we
address what has happened in the past. With the years
that have been wasted away on all of this fighting,
(20:56):
I decided that I'd reach out one last final time
to my sister and brother in law. I ran this
by my mother in law to see if she felt
it was worth trying, and to see if her and
my father in law could maybe help financially with paying
for family counseling for the four of us to attend.
If my brother and sister in law would be willing,
I wrote them a very detailed, heartfelt letter about how
(21:17):
we'd like to have a relationship with them, but we'd
like to go to family counseling with them so we
could get any issues resolved in a safe environment and
to stop sweeping everything under the rug Sadly, my sister
in law told me that they have a lot going
on right now, so emotionally they are unable to read
our letter at this time, but would like to focus
on moving forward to create a fresh start in our
(21:39):
relationship and embrace a positive future. I responded with, we
are very understanding and we're open to come back to
this once they're in a better spot emotionally, and I
never got a response back.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
When people don't want to go to family therapy, you
can still go to individual therapy. You bring your individual
self to your family, so the things that you work
on with your therapists are helpful in the family. Sometimes
we think that going to family therapy is going to
(22:18):
help us resolve an ongoing dispute, and that can be
the case, but what's even bigger is us individually learning
how to show up with other people, even outside our family.
Because this energy that you have in the family, I'm
sure you have it in other spaces. And I'm not
just talking about you, but also your sister in law,
(22:41):
your brother in law. Like you take yourself with you
wherever you go, and so if this is how you
respond and conflict, it's not just in this space. So
going to family therapy to resolve it in the family,
it needs to be resolved internally, so it's not showing
up up in these other spaces. I feel a little
(23:04):
bit like when we have an issue, we pull other
people into it to get their input. For instance, you
know when siblings are arguing, it's like, we're gonna call mine,
We're gonna call dat and see what their perspective is.
It can be really helpful for us as adults to
just work through it with the person. So if your
(23:24):
issue is with your sister in law, and that's the
person who you think is the most reasonable to talk
to to speak to her directly. You don't have to
bring your brother in law into it. She can take
whatever you want to say to her back to your
brother in law. But a lot of this it could
be a one on one communication and it doesn't have
to be discussed with your mother in law, your brother
(23:46):
in law, the cousin in law. We don't have to
pull all of these folks into it. And really owning
your side of the street says a lot. Another thing
I'm thinking of here is some things don't have a bottom.
We think we need to get to the bottom of this.
(24:08):
We need to explore this more so we can really
figure this thing out. I don't know if there's a
reason for some things to happen, or if there is
some explanation that would make you feel better about all
of these years of contention. Maybe not getting to the
(24:30):
bottom is okay. And I know what you're thinking here, like,
oh my gosh, do you sweep everything under the rug? No?
But sometimes we have to move on because we can
talk about the same conversation over and over in the
same way and there is no progress made. Sometimes the
progress is saying, hey, we're not going to make any
progress on this conversation. We need to do topic. Both
(24:54):
of you were hurt and wrong. That might be the bottom,
that might be the resolution that we've heard each other before.
How do we not do that again in the future
when we need to communicate about a difficult topic. How
do we let each other know that something is bothering us?
If I want you to be a part of something,
(25:15):
how do I request that you be a part of
this thing that's really important to me? How do I
address our issues earlier? Those are the things that could
be hopeful. But getting to this, why did you do this? No,
I didn't do that. A few years ago. I had
the same argument with the same person. It seemed like
(25:35):
about once a year, and you know, it got to
a point where, oh, here's the yearly argument again, and
I said, I'm not doing this argument anymore. My resolution
is not to have this argument anymore. Like this is
going to be the last time we talk about this thing,
because I already know how it's going to go. I
(25:55):
didn't do this. I think you did it. And we're
going to go back and forth and it's going to
take about it hour, hour and a half, and I
can tell you how we'll feel when we walk away
and no one was heard. You know, it's like paint
the picture. We've already done it. We don't need to
talk about this anymore. It's not a helpful conversation to have.
There is no understanding in the conversation. No one's willing
(26:16):
to move from their point of view because we have
a deep belief about what we felt and what we experience.
And at this point, I think we're both telling the
truth our truth now, is it the truth? No? But
maybe my perspective isn't either. But I know this much.
We're not making any progress by talking about this same thing,
(26:40):
even if it's a year later, even if it's two
years later, because we still feel the same way about it.
The only way we would make progress is if someone conceded,
and that's not happening. So if we want to move forward,
we have to choose to move forward. If we don't
want to move forward, we have to choose not to
move forward, but to be in this limbo of there
(27:04):
is some conversation that will move this to a different space.
I want to tell you today that there are some
things that there is no bottom too. This is not real, Robin.
It is not like bottomless French fries like, oh, everything
has some No, you know what bottomless means ongoing forever
(27:24):
and ever and ever endeavor. That's why they have it
that way. Sometimes or at some point, people have to
stop it. That's why they give you bottomless. You have
to choose to stop it, and most people do. There's
no one who's been there for five years at the
rest around eating French fries. People stop it at some point.
(27:44):
So the bottom is just choosing to stop it. So
you can choose to stop it. She can choose to
stop it. I would say, the person writing this letter,
who is calling in with the frustrations and the pains
around this, you are the person and who you know
wisely might want to be the person to say, Okay,
(28:06):
I think we need to stop it. I'm going to
stop it.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
At this point. For my husband and I, we can't
move forward with them without discussing what has happened. The energy, awkwardness,
and uncomfortableness that has come with what has happened is
extremely unhealthy. We're concerned that they could create issues out
of the blue yet again in the future for no
apparent reason, especially if we simply let this go. There's
a quote that I love, and it says the simplest
way I know who belongs in my life is to
(28:34):
let people do what they want and to see what
that is. I feel she has answered loud and clear.
My mother in law says she's talked to her daughter
about this, and my mother in law bely is her
daughter truly cares and wants a relationship, but she's just
scared of conflict. I believe it's much more than that. Sadly,
there's no desire on their end to actually get to
the bottom of this. I believe I'm dealing with someone
who does not want to be held accountable for anything
(28:55):
in this. My husband and I are okay doing things
separately at this time, especially if there's an unwell for
them to participate in finding true healing. We're no longer
interested in sweeping anything and everything under the rug. My
mother in law has agreed to also respect our wishes
and doing things separately if they can't so much as
take the time to read our letter. This sounds harsh,
but I truly believe her actions in this really show
(29:15):
where she and my brother in law are in all
of this. Half of me wishes my mother in law
could see what I'm seeing. Part of me just doesn't
care anymore, as long as I don't have to deal
with the drama and we can all agree to do
things separately and comfortably. I wonder if they secretly like
this drama and keeping their distance from us and the kids,
especially if they actually do harvard feelings of resentment or
anger towards us. I feel sadness and guilt because my
(29:36):
father in law is not in good health and he,
of course would like to see his family come together.
I feel sad for my mother in law. She always
does everything she can to pull the family together, and
she worries greatly about hurting people's feelings by doing separate birthdays, holidays,
and get togethers. I'm even sad the friendships were lost
in all of this. It's wild to think we used
to be so close with both of them and now
we can't even hold a conversation or be around each other.
(30:00):
Truly does not sit well with my husband or I
to pretend like nothing has happened, especially if they continue
to walk into our children's birthday parties with disgust and
carry this much unspoken animosity. I'm tired of shuffling around
them at holidays and feeling uncomfortable. I'm not sure what
my sister in law expects for us all just show
up to the next big holiday and for us to
act phony and act as if we maintained a friendship
(30:22):
throughout the past few years, like we're one big, happy family.
I understand it's their choice to not want to talk
about the past, but for us to maintain a healthy relationship,
I believe talking through issues and concerns is a powerful
way to care for the relationship. I'm not interested in
her words say they want to embrace a positive future.
Their words say one thing, when their actions say something
(30:42):
entirely different. At this point, what I'm more interested in
is what our plan of action is in achieving a
brighter future. Honestly, though, with their unwillingness to talk about anything,
I feel like our relationship with them could be better
off just left in the past. It's a unique situation
because they aren't just friends that we can quietly slip
away from. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. Is
(31:04):
there anything we can be doing to make this work
without completely ignoring the issues and going against what we'd
like to see happen. Is it wrong of us to
want to discuss all that's happened and have a better
understanding because we're still without answers and all of this
thanks so much.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
It is not wrong of you to want answers, but
I do wonder will you get the answers. Sometimes when
we're looking for someone to give us an explanation, we
forget that we're looking for a reasonable explanation and they
may not have it. It is possible that they are
(31:44):
doing things without any intention behind those things. Because this
is your life, you can choose who you want to
be in relationship with and who you do not want
to be in relationship with. But with that said, is
there any flexibility around a person having some imperfections? Is
(32:08):
there any way to be cordially kind? Right? Like, we
don't have to like everyone. And there are some people
in your family who I know, I have some people.
I'm only gonna see them at my mama house. They
not coming to my house. But when I see them, hey,
how are you? And that said, you know, it doesn't
(32:30):
have to be my favorite relative. But when I see
this person, can I be kind wave and have some
small talk? Sure? And is that being fake. Not necessarily.
We just won't get along with everyone. We didn't get
along with everyone in our class, but we certainly you know,
if the teacher said passed them a piece of paper,
you pass them a piece of paper. You didn't skip
(32:52):
over their desk. And I think you're seeing this as
I can have nothing to do with this person until
some extent. That's true, and you will have to deal
with the consequences of what that looks like for the
rest of the family, because it might mean you will
not be at certain events, or your children will not
be involved in certain things, or their children will not
(33:14):
be involved in some way. And so if you want
like this We're all together sort of experience, it might
require you to release this idea of getting to the
bottom of having this conversation around what the answers are
and saying, you know, perhaps there are no answers to
be had, or there are no answers that would make
(33:36):
me feel better, and in my desire to be a
part of this family, there are some boundaries that I
can have around my relationship with them. Here are ways
that I can show up and you know, still feel
pretty true to myself. And here are some other ways
where I will need to speak up for myself. So
(33:57):
I wonder what your boundaries could be with them? You
know what your long term goal would be with them?
Can you be in a relationship with people who who
think different than you and who are accountable? Sure? Do
you want that? So there are a lot of questions
here that I think you'll need to answer and you'll
(34:18):
need to think about. You know what this could look
like long term, not just for yourself, but also for
everyone in your household. You need to hear this. Throughout
this episode, you have heard be say sometimes there is
no bottom, there is no resolution that we can understand
(34:43):
that we can agree with, and sometimes things just don't
make any sense. When we are going to people expecting
them to release us from the discomfort we're experiencing because
of who they are, we might be disappointed because they
may not have the wise reason that we're looking for,
(35:04):
because we're looking for a think, We're looking for a
particular thing for them to say in a particular way
for them to say it, and they may not be
able to offer that. And what I would love to
offer you is sometimes we have to release ourselves. Last year,
we had a podcast where we answered some of your
(35:25):
shorter questions, and I'd love to do that again. So
if you have a question that is short that we
can answer along with two or three others, please submit
it to be featured on an upcoming podcast. You Need
(35:45):
to Hear This is an iHeart production hosted by Mendra
Glover to Whip. Our executive producer is Joel Bardique. Our
senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us
a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships
at You Need to Hear This at iHeartMedia dot com.
(36:07):
Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen
to it, and share this episode with someone who needs
to hear this. Talk to you next time