December 2, 2025 • 40 mins
From the streets of Bushwick, Brooklyn to Marvel, Transformers and Hollywood billboards, Anthony Ramos has lived the dream many people fantasize about. But behind the campaigns, the premieres and the posters, he was still asking himself a brutal question:“Am I enough?”
In this episode of You vs You, Anthony sits down with Lex Borrero to have a raw, honest conversation about success, identity, family and the work it takes to heal the stories you grew up with.
He opens up about:
- Growing up in Bushwick and carrying childhood trauma into his adult life
- The complicated relationship with his father, not feeling “good enough” and the moment he tried to protect his mom as a kid
- Wrapping his identity in campaigns, likes and comments, and how one negative comment used to destroy his day
- What really happened when it felt like everything came crashing down online
- Booking Marvel’s Ironheart, going on the Transformers press tour, and realizing his career was not over – it was evolving
- How he started working with his inner child: reframing memories, naming patterns and learning to see his parents with compassion
- The simple mantra that changed everything for him: “Be where your feet are”, and why your emotions should not be driving the car of your life
- His no-BS advice for actors and creatives who haven’t had their “break” yet, and why you should stop waiting for permission and start creating with the phone you already have.
- This is not just a conversation about Hollywood.It is a conversation about narratives: the stories we tell ourselves about who we are, what we deserve and what we’re capable of.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's your dream? What drives you?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I just want to buy my mama house. And you
asked a kid that grew up with money, why do
you do this? Because I love it? And if you
don't love it anymore, don't do it. You don't love
it anymore, It's okay, find something else.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
You please welcome Anthony Ramo your scour.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
My name is Anthony Ramos.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Do not allow your emotions drive the car of your life.
A person, I mean did that to me back then
or they did, bro, It's not that deep. Stop giving
it so much weight.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Anthony, Thank you for being here, first of all, always
good to hang and talk and chat. And I'll get
right into it. You know, from the streets of Bushwick
to Hollywood, you're now a leading man. You know your
face is not on the posters. You look them pretty
out there. Let's talk about success. What is success to you.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Is being able to like provide a life for yourself
that allows you the freedoms to really and this sounds
so vague, but like, if you really think about it,
it's not. It allows you the freedoms to like truly
live like and like you got to figure out what
that is for you, right, like you know, And I
think there's that cliche right where people say, like more money,
(01:15):
more problems, or like it doesn't matter how much money
you make, that you'll never achieve true happiness, you know,
no matter how much success, or no matter how much
fame or amount of money you make. I do believe
that that's true wholeheartedly. And I believe that, Like it's
about defining what success is. Like I'm good right now, Like, bro,
Like this is more than I ever thought i'd have
(01:36):
in my life, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
And I don't need to.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Like I'm hungry, and I want to be elite at
what I do, and I want to be the best
at everything I do. But that's only because I love
what I do. Right, Like I'm going to be a husband, Okay,
I want to be the best husband I can possibly be,
right because I love my wife. Or like I'm going
to be an actor. I want to be the best
actor I can be because I love acting. I want to.
(02:00):
I'm a musician. I'm a writer. I write songs. I'm writing.
I want to be the best musician I can possibly
be because I love music, Like, and it's not necessarily
because I want to be famous, or I want to
be I want to make millions of dollars, like I
would love to make money doing what I love. I
would love that, you know. But that's not the driving force.
(02:23):
It's the ambition. It's the passion for what I'm doing.
That that keeps me, that keeps me motivated, that keeps
me like going in spite of all the nose that
I get, and it keeps it keeps driving me forward,
whether I have a high year or I have a
low year, or I have a kind of in the
middle year, like you know, because life just does that
(02:45):
to us. And you know, and I think that I'm
learning how to be how to like enjoy my life
no matter where, no matter where I'm at, you know
what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
So I think.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
That that success is literally it's like you're learning to
be like true being content, like understanding where you're at
in your life in the moment, being realistic about where
you're at, like oh man, maybe I'm messed up. I'm
gonna have to make up a little bit here, or
or you know, I'm doing really well right now. I
got to continue to maintain to do that or put
in the work or whatever. It is, you know, so
(03:17):
just but like you know, like just being very like
being content. But like, yo, I'm good where I'm at.
I'm exactly where I need to be.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
Yo.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Man, what are my therapist sitting me? The other day?
It was so fire, bro, look this up real quick
what she said to me. I took it in my notes.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
She wrote, Yeah, she just said, and this is not
not so profound, but it's.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Just be where your feet are.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
If I can do that, bro, I'm successful.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Yeah, truly, I think I agree. I agree. I say
that all the time, right. I think the first step
to anything in life is acceptance, right, and being comfortable
exactly where you're at, like where nothing has to change
in order for your yourself to be in a place
of joy, in a place of content, in a place
(04:04):
of peace. And that's one of the hardest things I
think in our human condition, because people mistake the passion
and the hustle with that being the solution to everything else.
And so it's like if I work harder, that's going
to happen. If I hustle harder, I'm gonna happen. If
(04:25):
I cheat, and it's gonna happen if I do this
ideal because you know, I gotta get my money up,
I gotta stack it up. If I do this thing,
then I love a sudden and in my life experience,
what I've seen is every time that the value gets
put into that life does the complete opposite. It's like, oh, okay,
(04:45):
well that's not gonna happen. Well that job falls apart.
Well you decided to do that side thing and look
at backfire here, And it's really interesting again because we've
just been so conditioned to that being the truth. And
I think for me in my life and talking about
our industry, your condition from day one to hustle hard, push,
(05:06):
especially if you if you started your career in New
York like you and I did, It's like the only
thing that you get taught is like, hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle.
You got to outsmart everybody else. Yeah, you got to
take everybody else. You got to not sleep. And I
mean it took me a long time in my career
to get to a place where where I'm like, oh
(05:26):
my god, I've been lying to myself like and all that.
Like while I like we were talking about this the
other day, I truly believe that everything we have is
a gift. So it's really interesting to hear you talk
about that. And now that we're talking about the lows
and the highs, what's been the hardest low you had
to go through in your career?
Speaker 2 (05:44):
You know, the hardest low I think I went through
my career was I think again it goes back to
the to the fame thing or for anybody that's following
your career, your life. You know, I had a personal
had a breakup and that was that sucked, you know,
and that was terrible.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
And then I was doing what you do, You're wilding out.
You know.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
We didn't make like a public announcement about the breakup
or nothing or whatever, but you know it was I
was out.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
I was outside. Somebody saw me outside.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Super outside, you know what I'm saying, outside outside, And
then you know, I got caught up in a whole
a whole Mechlo bro and a whole you know, scandal
or if what have you. And you know, I dealt
with that for a little while. And the biggest thing
that I learned from that mom I mean, it was
very depressing, I think number one, because I was going
through this really personal.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Thing at the time.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
On top of that, now I'm dealing with ridicule from
strangers and people I don't even know. And then on
top of that, like, you know, I got brand deals,
I got things going on. And they looking and they like,
hold up, his legs is going down. He's losing followers.
They don't give a fuck about what's happening in your
personal little Like all they looking at is the numbers.
If it ain't making dollars, it ain't making one plus
(06:53):
one equals. They like, wait, he used to get one
hundred thousand likes, Now he only getting this one? Nah,
hold up? His values going down?
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Hold up?
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Maybe we don't need them, you know, Like and all
these things go through my all, all of that is
going through my head because I'm like, damn, you know,
the Lord has blessed me to be a help.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Right in my family.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
The Lord has blessed me to be you know, God
has God has given me an opportunity to you know,
help right where I can and in my family. And
the first thing I thought about was like, yo, was like, damn,
was them really even more than me?
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Like, Yo, shit like this this could affect them.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
And and then again and then makes it made me
think like, like, fuck, bro, like you should have made
better decisions or you should have I don't know how
I would have handled that now, you know what I'm saying.
I definitely would have been more methodical. I think I
definitely would have been probably more responsible as well. But
I'm also just not even in that headspace that I
was in back when that happened. But you know, by
the grace of God, you know, I feel like I'm
(07:53):
you know, I went through that valley and I came
out and I'm grateful to be standing, and I'm grateful
to be like wow, like I'm really happy that to me,
and I learned from it, you know, God willing, and
I'm like, and I can hopefully maybe even help somebody,
you know, in the future, right because of what I
what I went through.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
But I mean, dude, like in my career, bro, like
you know.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Got signed by a label, got dropped by a label,
and again, I didn't even.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Feel like that was the thing I just expressed you before.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
Was was more of a felt like more of a
hit to me really, And I think it's because really
my family, in my mind, in the back of my mind,
was deeply involved in that one like like getting signed
by label and dropped by a label. Bro, that's nothing Like,
I'm just like whatever that ain't work out, Like we're
gonna find it the right partner for the right thing
for you know, I'm not gonna stop making music because
(08:42):
that happened to me, you know what I'm saying. Like,
I'm not gonna get discouraging down on myself, you know, Oh,
because I got recast in a movie, WHI was, I'm
gonna stop making movies. I'm just gonna quit.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
Nah.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
But these are just different moments where I had to
analyze another thing that I will say, right when it
came to that moment that I talked to about, now,
you know, people are coming at me on social media
and whatnot? Right, I had so much, so much of
that shit was so embedded in my identity. If I
didn't get a certain amount of likes, or I didn't
(09:13):
get a certain amount of comments, or if I didn't
get a post a certain kind of photo, or if
I didn't look a certain kind of way in the photo,
or like, it affected me deeply.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Bro.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
If I got one negative comment but there was like
one hundred positive ones, but.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
The one negative one, Bro, I'm zooming in on that shit.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
I'm going like this and I'm looking at I'm looking
at every word I'm dissecting. I'm like, man like, dang,
why are they saying this about me? Like af that
person or you know what I'm saying like, and I
was like, why do you care so much about this?
Why is this affecting you so deeply?
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Bro?
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Like, and yeah, what if it all does come crashing down?
What happens then? What if it all comes crashing down
and you're still alive? What you're gonna do?
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Well, You're gonna you fucking sit in the corner and
cry for the rest of your life and you're gonna
quit a life.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Nah, get up? Like I had to talk to myself
like that, Bro.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
What was the breaking point for that? Right? So, like
you're struggling with it, and what was the moment of
like realization where you were like, mmm, I have the
wrong narrative. I need to change this narrative to who cares?
Was there like a certain moment through that process that
you can identify and say, here's where I had to
face myself And that helped me transition to a different
(10:35):
mindset and a different narrative in my head that said,
who cares move on?
Speaker 1 (10:41):
I got.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
I booked iron Heart, right, So I did this Marvel
TV series. I played it, and ironically I was playing
the villain in that show. So it was like I
felt like the villain in my personal life and then
now I book my first role after this big life
thing happens to me and it's the villain in this
like TV series And I've never played a villain in
(11:02):
my whole career, so it was kind of hilarious like
that that was happening to me at the same time,
but it was more like like, bro, it's not over.
Get up. Here's an opportunity in front of you. Pick
yourself up, dust yourself off, and work as hard as
you can at this part and in this role. Take
(11:25):
this opportunity. And I feel like once I got that
opportunity man with Marvel, it was just like it was
almost like gods showing off, like bro, like especially like
the thing like Tim talking to me like if if
this was his voice in my head, this is what
it felt like or sound like, like like if you
think what you're going through is so massive, I want
you to understand that you are so small in the
(11:47):
world that I have put you in.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
You watch but a blip, broh. What seems so big.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
To you is nothing to me. And look boom, look
at this. Now, what you're gonna do with that? You're
gonna stay stuck on the little thing that it was
not little? Right, Like, I don't want you to treat
things that you have frivolously and people. However, here's another opportunity.
Here's a chance for you to do something. Here, do
something with that. Let's see what you do with that.
(12:15):
And then it came another thing, and then came another thing, right,
you know, but it was like yo, you know, and
then I'm going on the presstol for transformers in the
career right in my career, it was like it wasn't over.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
On the contrary, it was getting better.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
But it was also like, I don't think it could
have gotten better if I had enough let go of
that thing that was holding me, which was like do
they like me? Like?
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Will they like me? But will they not only will
they like, will they love me?
Speaker 3 (12:49):
You know?
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Like, and you know, just needed to let that go.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
Let's get into that a bit, right, because you said
a lot of interesting things and I think the takeaway,
and it's something we talked about on the show a
lot is watching our narratives, right, Like, we talk so
much to ourselves in an unkind way, and we take
our live experiences and we create the story behind this
(13:12):
live experience. So we create the oh but everybody, and
we'll zoom into it because we're filtering that information through
our trauma, right right. And I think I've heard you
talk about this a couple of times and obviously you
just touched on it. The not feeling good enough, right, Yeah,
not feeling like you're capable to have the blessing that
(13:35):
God has given you, even though the exterior is showing
something different. The exterior is showing I'm I'm a monster,
I'm the best executing, I'm the beast. I'm a beast. Yeah,
I can go up and get every role and look
at me at the cover of Twister and this and promo, promo,
and the insis saying, yeah, but you're not good enough.
You're not good enough, but you're not good And I
(13:56):
can relate to that because I think it's the story
of my life and career as well. And I truly
believe it's been the biggest change that we hold and
hold those log is that internal feeling of am I enough?
Do you remember the first time as a kid feeling that, yeah,
you know what's interesting?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Before I answer that question, Sometimes we mistake the behavior
that I'm not good enough behavior with with no, it's
just because I love you, or it's because I love
this behavior, right. We sometimes we think that there's synonymous
with one another. Right, So we do things because we
don't feel good enough, but we're like and then we
(14:38):
take the love and we put it in there and
we say, no, but look how much I love you.
But look how much I love this. Look how much
I love my career. Look how much I love my wife. Well,
look how much I love my kid. Look at what
I'm doing for them, Look at what I do for you.
And we think that they go together, but they don't.
And a person can feel when you do something out
of love, and when you're doing something out you just
(15:00):
not feeling good enough or feeling like you are good enough.
And then it especially is evident when you're doing it
to someone or for someone that loves you exactly how
you are and accepts you exactly how you are.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
It always says, uh, my, my, spiritual leader who I
work with all the time said to me, Les, you're
a giver. The question is why are you giving?
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Why?
Speaker 3 (15:24):
And he said, no one needs saving, so why are
you giving? It's like, are you giving because you need
to feel worth it? Because it gives you the understanding
that people are like, oh, man, Lex is so nice.
It's such a good guy. He's so great. But then
the moment that love doesn't get a returned you're like, Dan,
this person didn't even call me, like for my birthday,
rus away. You were giving it for the admiration. You're
(15:45):
giving it for things. The moment you don't feel good,
that same giving goes away. The same giving now it's like, yo,
look what I'll do for you. You know, it's what you're
saying it And he said he had that problem all so,
he said, but it goes back to that filter of
like not feeling good and having to have the savor complex.
And one of the things that has stuck to me,
(16:06):
I would say, since he told it to me, is
no one needs to save me.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
And sometimes we relate this idea of having to be
kind or be a certain way, like you said, oh,
you know, somebody got sick, and you're like, oh, well,
I have to text them, like I gotta do that.
And then and the question is do you really right?
(16:33):
Like who told you that you have to? Now? Do
you want to? And you have to? It's a two different,
two different role and that and that idea of that
separation is when you check your filter and you're like, WHOA.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
I remember one time I was in seventh grade, right,
and I was already friends with some of these kids,
and I don't know what compelled me. Right there was
a girl and I'm so sorry to this girl. I
think her name was Jennifer or something like that, and
I basically like, I started cracking jokes on Jennifer right
in the class. I said some wild shit to her,
and it was only because I wanted to be And
(17:12):
then those guys that were there, they started laughing at
my jokes. And I see them laughing at the jokes,
and I'm like, okay, yeah, I'm good. I feel safe.
I feel good enough. So at the expense of her feelings,
I was like, it's okay, never mind her feelings, as
long as I can just feel safe in here and
(17:32):
good enough, as long as I can feel like I
have allies. Here's how I'm going to get them. And
it's a wild way of thinking, bro.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
I want to touch on that because so many people
can identify to that, right, There's so many people like
us who on a daily basis do that in one
way or the other. We do it with our loved ones,
we do it with girlfriends, who do it with what
have you deal with your friends? Which is it's a
lot easier to judge because the judgment on that gives
(18:07):
you this sense of like, oh, it's not me, is
them right? You know? But it's this whole thing is
really and and the concept of U versus use that
all this is a narrative that is intended to allow
you to start looking inward, right, like this falseness of
responsibility with our parents and with other people. The idea
(18:29):
that we need to save people in order to feel valued,
The idea that we're not valued yet, So the we
search our whole lives for value in career and love
and success. So we approach every single one of those
things with the idea. And I love the example you
gave of like rich and not of this idea that
the reality is we're all rich inside. That's the truth identities.
(18:53):
We're all rich inside, but our trauma and our stories
have us thinking like we're poor inside and our circumstances. Right, So,
but that mental thought of going into a situation and
saying the success is me loving something and doing it
passionately and if regardless of what the outcome is. And
(19:13):
I was having a conversation the other day with a
really wealthy person who she just had a baby, and
she was stressing a little bit. She's like, oh my god,
you know, I'm so worried about like what school is
he going to go to? What this how we're going
to handle it? And I asked the question, I said,
is is any of that going to guarantee that your
son turns out?
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (19:35):
She paused and said, I asked because I'm starting to
understand that the only way to be a great father
to my daughter is just to better me, not to
better her circumstances, right, not to better like we have
this idea that Okay, I've done so well, so I
want my daughter to have a better school. The truth
is you and I didn't go to the best school.
(19:57):
In a lot of people's eyes, were considered very success.
But the things that we are not successful. The things
that we struggle with, the trauma that came from our
life experience, from our parents teaching us things that maybe
you know their parents taught so they were carrying that trauma.
The best way to help my daughter be the best
version of herself is to become the best version of
(20:17):
myself so that when she comes and something happens, instead
of me trying to go crazy on her, I'm like, hey,
I don't actually know, but we'll figure it out together.
The way that I didn't take her behavior is not
let me go punish her and she has to do
exactly what I said. And you better get an a school,
but it's actually just school. Do you love it? Do
(20:40):
you want to learn that? How do I push you
and give you discipline? But with the understanding that the
truth is I'm a college dropout right right right, and
(21:03):
I've made more money than my whole family, and it
took me so many years to get to that place
because I felt like you unworthy. I felt like I
wasn't enough. I felt like I must not be enough
because look at my life situation, because my father's not home.
And that leads me back to the original question, which
(21:23):
is can you identify that first time when that feeling
of not enough came into your life.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
I mean, you know, look, God rest my father's soul.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Man, I love him, but you know, you know, my
dad passed away two years ago.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
But when my father was alive.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Like when we was kids, bro like, he was tough,
man like, and you know, he didn't live with us
or anything, and you know, he dealt with addiction in
a severe way.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
I mean all the way to the end of his life.
Speaker 2 (21:55):
But very often we didn't feel safe around him, and
you know when he would come around, and I felt,
especially growing up when I was a kid, I felt
like I couldn't defend my mom. I couldn't do anything,
you know, and I felt scared of my father, and
I felt like I moved out of my mom's house
when I was thirteen, I moved back in when I
was seventeen. I lived with my aunt for a little bit,
and I came back when I was seventeen. But then
(22:17):
I left when I was, you.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Know, eighteen, seventeen, eighteen years old.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
And I think that there was a part of me
that felt bad, like I couldn't defend my mom.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Like number one, you know.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
I felt like I was too young or too like little,
but I was also really afraid of him. And then
I just wasn't around, you know, right, I wasn't around
at all. And then that was one of the ways
that I didn't feel good enough, right like, And I
also was like, am I not good enough that he
can't just he can't be around. I'm not even asking
(22:48):
him for shit, Like I'm not even asking you. Because
then it got to the place where I'm an adult
now and I'm like, I don't even need money from you, bro,
I'm just asking for you to be around. Bro, I'm
just asking I just want you to just be around.
That's all you have to do. You don't even need
to talk, bro. And it just felt like even that
was difficult sometimes. From when I was really little all
(23:12):
the way to now, man, there were a lot of
elements of me not feeling good enough when it came
to my father and then my mom, you know, my mom,
and not feeling like I could do enough for her
when it came to him, you know, or help her enough,
and so yeah, man, you know that made me feel bad.
But yeah, man, I remember this one crazy ass story.
I remember one time I poss pulled a knife out
(23:33):
of my mom outside the building, and I got between them,
both her and him, and I was like stop, you know,
like I didn't know if he was going to stab
or not or what he was trying to but and
that was like a heroic moment for me.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
You know, I wasn't going to.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Be able to defend her from him, but that shit
was mad traumatic, bro like things like just memories like
that that come up, and I just was like, damn,
I just like there was nothing, there was nothing we
could do.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
To protect her.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
And also like him like right, like like we tried
to help him, you know, when we got older, you know,
we're like, Dad, you don't need to do this, or Pops,
you you know, there's another way or here's how you
know we can we can help you out, and and
it just felt like it felt like, you know, nothing
was gonna work and we were just gonna have to
ride it out until, you know, until he died. And
(24:27):
it was just like damn, like like it felt, you know,
it felt like damn, or your kids, are we not enough?
Speaker 3 (24:33):
Have you had a moment to sit and forgive him?
You know?
Speaker 1 (24:38):
I think so?
Speaker 2 (24:39):
But sometimes I got to ask myself, like, have I
really because sometimes I'll be making some crazy ass jokes
about about my dad or like him dying and shit,
and I'm like, no, that's not funny. I mean sometimes
it's funny like in the moment, and I usually do
what my friends will also have parents were dead, you know,
we call you know, we call it like the dead
dad Club or dead parent club. If you're not laughing
(24:59):
about it, you're crying about it. And sometimes, you know,
it's cool to have somebody to laugh, you know, Like
I love one of Kevin's Heart Kevin Hart's titles, laugh
at My Pain, because sometimes I really do, Like I
think we grew up laughing at our pain.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Really, like we laughed a lot in our home.
Speaker 3 (25:16):
You know.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
That is one thing even with Pops, you know, like
Dad was funny man like. He used to come and dude,
used to crack jokes, bro Like. He was funny as shit,
bro like, And that was the thing, Like, the one
thing I could say about him was that, like it
didn't matter what we was going through, what kind of friction,
Like Pops always had a joke though he had something
funny to say. He'd say something that even if we
(25:37):
was beefing. He would say something and be like, damn,
that was fucking hilarious, like and then we'd laughing, and
then you know, and.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Move on from there.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
But like, I think I've forgiven him. I'm pretty sure
I've forgiven him. But if I have to say I'm
pretty sure, then maybe not.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
But if you have to visualize right now, that inner child,
right that Anthony, that was there at that moment when
times were not good, when your father was not when
you didn't feel good enough, when all these things that
have created traumatic experiences in your life, how to have
worked through that As you sit back now as an adult,
(26:12):
if you could say one thing to that inner child,
what would it be?
Speaker 1 (26:15):
What you're going through right now is not forever.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
So like that Cole said that Donald's you know, told
me the other day that it hit me so hard again.
It was just like, be where your feet are, Just
be where you're at, feel what you're feeling, with the
understanding that this will not be forever. Though I know
it feels like this is the thing that will last forever.
There's a feeling that will last forever, but it's not
(26:40):
because even if someone else doesn't change or even if
a circumstance doesn't change the way you think about it
can So just feel what you're feeling right now. Try
to understand what you're feeling. Even if you don't understand it,
just try ask yourself the questions and don't be afraid
to ask yourself dumb questions. You know, and other people too, right,
other people that maybe have more life experience, or people
(27:03):
you trust that you have given you good counsel. But
all that to say is I would tell that kid like, yo, like,
everything's gonna be all right, and this won't last forever,
but it's okay. How you feel is perfectly fine. You're
not crazy for feeling how you feel. You're not stupid
for feeling how you feel, and it's all right, Like
accept how you feel again with the understanding knowing this
(27:26):
won't last forever. Right, So feel this today and then
tomorrow we start figuring out how we're going to move
forward from what happened to you today or from what
you're feeling today.
Speaker 3 (27:34):
You know, it's a beautiful thing. It's like your brain
doesn't know the difference between something that's falls and something
that's real, or something that's a reality or something that's imagination.
It just takes what you say. So as you get
to have that moment with yourself, that inner child, which
is really those memories and that trauma that's sitting inside
(27:57):
of you still your brain has the ability in yourself
conscience has the ability to hear that and start releasing
that energy. That keeps us today as an adult, living
the trauma of our inner child, because that's what it is.
We're living these experiences and we hold these moments of memory,
(28:19):
like your father taking out the nye for sleeping at
a friend's house and not feeling like not good enough.
It holds those memories as it's took place and give
certainty to the emotion that the child fell. So it
gives it the stamp of like, no, it's okay. It's
(28:39):
okay that you feel not good enough because look what
you went through. What I found in my own work
has been that the inner child, which is those memories
and those thoughts of our life experience, is just sitting
there with the ears open, just waiting, you know. But
we create patterns in our life lives, and part of
(29:01):
the pattern is that we repeat our hurt we get
in our mind and we continue to have the conversation
of like, nah, man, but it's because because he was
like that, So I'm like that, you know, and you know,
and you kind of go through that pattern. It's like, oh,
she's acting like that, but she reminds me of that,
So that's why I'm gonna act like that because she
(29:21):
is right, you know, yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
Or she reminds me of that kind of person, or
they remind me of that. That's why I am the
way I am.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
You know, I don't trust people like that, or I
don't trust a person like that. I can't open my
mind up to that because you know, when I did
that last time, this is what happened to me, you.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
Know, And it's it's literally in their child and your
mind just opened and saying, Okay, we're gonna stay here,
continue to hold right, and continue to hold the same
feeling and the same emotion and the same trauma. We're
gonna just hold it because that's what he generally wants
us to do. Not why would he be saying it. Yeah.
(30:00):
And I found that the more that I speak and
the more that I can identify these patterns in my life,
I can reframe those patterns in order to start digesting
my life experience in a different way and speaking to
that kid and he lamb and telling him, hey, you're okay.
(30:20):
Your mom and your dad made decisions in their life.
Your mom had to go, and this pain that you
have against your dad, your dad had an impossible decision.
He could have told your mom, no, you're not taking
my kid to the US, and where would you be today?
Or he could have said, as much as it pains me,
I know there's not a life for him here, and
(30:41):
if I think my son is great, I got to
send them where there's opportunity. Knowing that he was not
going to see you for many years, and just that
reframing of like, I started to uncover things about those
moments that I had completely forgotten, like the moment and
I found out the lady was pregnant. I remember jumping
(31:03):
in the back of the truck, crying hysterically all the
way back to the house, and then my dad asking
everybody to leave the car. For years, I didn't remember
the words he said. Now, as I was doing my work,
I remember the words he said, and the words he
said is you will never be replaced. I am your father,
And he cried. My dad never cries and he cried,
(31:26):
and I remember that by healing, and I was like, wow,
I perceived that moment so different because I was so
contracted in my emotion that I just didn't and for
such a long time I processed it in one way,
but allowing to go back and telling that child he's okay,
that actually everything is going to be okay, and that
(31:51):
this experience that he's going through is not gonna last.
But while he's there, feel everything about it and take
in because there is those moments, and there is that inspiration,
that creativity, and there is that hustle, and there's that
experience that today makes Anthony Ramos a successful actor. What
it is is that we tend to continue the same habits,
(32:12):
believe an emotional experience that we've always had, So we
talk to ourselves in the same way, we kind of
process information in the same way. And as I started
to work on this process myself, I found that these
were keys in order to start rewiring my brain to
think differently. And the first one was awareness, you know,
(32:32):
because you can't change something that you don't notice, So
is being aware of how I frame my conversations, how
I speak about myself, or how I speak about my
father or how I perceived the situation, so I could
be like, wait, was that is that reality? Or is
that Can I look at that experience and see him
(32:55):
or her with compassion? Second? Was understanding their So why
am I saying this to myself? Like? What do I say?
But that's just the way I am. You know how
many times I've used that in a relationship conversation. But
that's the way I is. You have to love me
the way I am, bro, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
That's yeah, that's one way ticket to a breakup.
Speaker 3 (33:17):
Oh, but that's the way I am. You know, Naming
the pattern, giving it a name allows me to put it.
So whenever I'm processing something through a trauma that I
know I have, I say, that's my owner child talking
and I pause and I try to really think about
why is he talking to himself that way? Why am
I saying that to myself? And completely put the child
(33:41):
in front of me, or put my mother in front
of me, put my father in front of me, put
my fear in front of me. I read this book
called The Uncharted Journey, and you'll relate to this because
you're an actor. And I said, your life experience is
just a role. Can you start looking at it as
(34:02):
the watcher, so meaning you're an actor, right, you could
go play the guy in Twister or any of the
roles you've done, the Hero and Transformers, and you do
your whatever, you know, three months of filming, and then
you get out and you're not that guy anymore. You're
not dressed the same way, you're not talking the same way.
You know what I mean, you're not experiencing. You're not
(34:23):
all of a sudden living in the jungle waiting for
a transformer to pop out, right, Like life is the
exact same way. It's a role. And when you look
at it as the washer, you can start rewriting that
script because you can start visualizing your life experience as like,
oh wait, that's actually my energild, that's not her, or
(34:44):
that's not my father, or that's not my brother who
did that, that's my image child being triggered. And then
I'm not even looking at that person with compassion. I'm
just ready to judge them because I need to stamp
my feelings as right. So I name that the pattern.
So one of the things that that has really helped
(35:05):
me in is that it's like as soon as I
identify the pattern, I tried to stop, so I legit
repeat to myself, stop stuff, stop or why are you
doing the thing while I'm doing the thing, in order
to pause and reassess. And mind you, there's days that
I don't stop, and I just I'm in my full emotion.
But the more that I like going to the gym
(35:25):
or anything else or acting or learning, the more that
I've done the repetition, the more that it's helped me be.
And then I rewrite the narrative. He wasn't bad. He
was just hurting. Yeah, he was just trying to figure
it out, just like I am. He did the best
he could with his own internal battles that I have
(35:48):
no idea what they were, because his life experience also
has his own story, and his father has his own story,
and his grandfather has a story, and he, just like
I am, has carried the weight of his father, his grandfather,
his ancestors. And now I carry his way the way
to my grandfather, the way to my great grandfather. So
(36:10):
can I change the way that I speak about him,
because now I just see him as someone who's hurting?
Speaker 1 (36:17):
Wow, Can I change the way I speak about him.
Speaker 3 (36:20):
Is crazy in that way. How do we change the
way that we speak to ourselves? And that leads me
to the question that we always end the podcast with.
I think as a songwriter, as an actor, as a creative,
you understand the power of words. I had the pleasure
(36:41):
of going to your home and hearing this incredible project
that you're working on. What I love about this project?
And I don't know how much I can say or not,
so I won't get too deep into what the project is.
But I was telling you before we started how impacted
I was by the choice of words and things that
you did in order to build this character. The characters
(37:04):
stand for something, They stand for these words, and as
we talk, you know the whole conversation. We speak to
ourselves in an unkind way. But I'm not good enough.
We look and we assume in at the negative comment
we have this conversation, we pick on all the things
(37:25):
that are triggers, because when we are triggered, we go
to the foundation. And the truth is that for most
of us that foundation is paining herd trauma. And it's
just like we need that understanding the power of words.
Understand that your mind doesn't know the difference that the
inner child and you can listen. What is one word
(37:46):
or a phrase that Anthony Ramos, that little Anthony need
to hear today that can change how you perceive your life,
how you perceive the rest of this day, and how
you perceive the rest of your week.
Speaker 2 (38:01):
Hm, that's crazy. I think I mean the phrase again,
and I keep bringing it back. I keep bringing it
back to this one. But be where your feed are
was just that just hit me so hard this week, man,
because I just I'm just not I think I've not
been great at that, just in general in my life,
worrying about what's next all the time.
Speaker 1 (38:21):
Why wouldn't I write?
Speaker 2 (38:22):
Because the first question anybody asks you, especially when you're
an artist, so what's next? But I think it's like
be where your feed are and a mentor mindset. This
to me so good man. You know I've been just
shout out to et man. He said, do not allow
your emotions to be the driver of your decisions. Don't
(38:42):
let your emotions be the drive the car of your life.
Keep it set in your morals. I think we talked
about this at breakfast, but he said, your emotions are good,
they're good co pilot don't help you understand where you at,
what you're feeling, but don't allow them to be the
driver of your decisions. And I was like, man, that
(39:06):
is that. Man, I've been I've been quoting that, and
I've been thinking about that for months now since he
told me, because I do feel like I have led
with my emotions so many times in my life, especially
in things I've said or ways I've reacted to certain
things or to people or and yeah, man, that hit
(39:31):
me so hard. I don't have one word, but made
forwards like, it's not that deep. It's not, yo, Stop
taking it personal everything, you know, taking everything so personal
all the time, or that person said this like this,
or that person did that to me back then, or
they did. Bro, it's not that deep.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
It's not.
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Like you find you good today, Like, bro, you're good,
You're fine, it's fine, it's all good.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
It's not that deep. Stop giving it so much weight.
Speaker 3 (40:05):
Can you say that to yourself?
Speaker 1 (40:09):
Yeah, yeah, it's not that deep. It's not. It's just not.
Speaker 3 (40:17):
It's interesting when we say things externally as we communicate
them to someone, and when we actually pause and say
it automatically, your whole facial expression changed.
Speaker 2 (40:33):
Yeah, I guess I got nervous to say it to
myself just now, which was kind of crazy.
Speaker 3 (40:36):
Love that bro, you versus You as a production of
meon sixteen and Entertained Studios in partnership with the Iheartmichael
to that podcast network for more podcasts, listen to the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
What's your dream? What drives you?
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I just want to buy my mama house. And you
asked a kid that grew up with money, why do
you do this? Because I love it? And if you
don't love it anymore, don't do it. You don't love
it anymore, It's okay, find something else.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
You please welcome Anthony Ramo your scour.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
My name is Anthony Ramos.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Do not allow your emotions drive the car of your life.
A person, I mean did that to me back then
or they did, bro, It's not that deep. Stop giving
it so much weight.
Speaker 3 (00:35):
Anthony, Thank you for being here, first of all, always
good to hang and talk and chat. And I'll get
right into it. You know, from the streets of Bushwick
to Hollywood, you're now a leading man. You know your
face is not on the posters. You look them pretty
out there. Let's talk about success. What is success to you.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Is being able to like provide a life for yourself
that allows you the freedoms to really and this sounds
so vague, but like, if you really think about it,
it's not. It allows you the freedoms to like truly
live like and like you got to figure out what
that is for you, right, like you know, And I
think there's that cliche right where people say, like more money,
(01:15):
more problems, or like it doesn't matter how much money
you make, that you'll never achieve true happiness, you know,
no matter how much success, or no matter how much
fame or amount of money you make. I do believe
that that's true wholeheartedly. And I believe that, Like it's
about defining what success is. Like I'm good right now, Like, bro,
Like this is more than I ever thought i'd have
(01:36):
in my life, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
And I don't need to.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Like I'm hungry, and I want to be elite at
what I do, and I want to be the best
at everything I do. But that's only because I love
what I do. Right, Like I'm going to be a husband, Okay,
I want to be the best husband I can possibly be,
right because I love my wife. Or like I'm going
to be an actor. I want to be the best
actor I can be because I love acting. I want to.
(02:00):
I'm a musician. I'm a writer. I write songs. I'm writing.
I want to be the best musician I can possibly
be because I love music, Like, and it's not necessarily
because I want to be famous, or I want to
be I want to make millions of dollars, like I
would love to make money doing what I love. I
would love that, you know. But that's not the driving force.
(02:23):
It's the ambition. It's the passion for what I'm doing.
That that keeps me, that keeps me motivated, that keeps
me like going in spite of all the nose that
I get, and it keeps it keeps driving me forward,
whether I have a high year or I have a
low year, or I have a kind of in the
middle year, like you know, because life just does that
(02:45):
to us. And you know, and I think that I'm
learning how to be how to like enjoy my life
no matter where, no matter where I'm at, you know
what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
So I think.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
That that success is literally it's like you're learning to
be like true being content, like understanding where you're at
in your life in the moment, being realistic about where
you're at, like oh man, maybe I'm messed up. I'm
gonna have to make up a little bit here, or
or you know, I'm doing really well right now. I
got to continue to maintain to do that or put
in the work or whatever. It is, you know, so
(03:17):
just but like you know, like just being very like
being content. But like, yo, I'm good where I'm at.
I'm exactly where I need to be.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
Yo.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Man, what are my therapist sitting me? The other day?
It was so fire, bro, look this up real quick
what she said to me. I took it in my notes.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
She wrote, Yeah, she just said, and this is not
not so profound, but it's.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Just be where your feet are.
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
If I can do that, bro, I'm successful.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Yeah, truly, I think I agree. I agree. I say
that all the time, right. I think the first step
to anything in life is acceptance, right, and being comfortable
exactly where you're at, like where nothing has to change
in order for your yourself to be in a place
of joy, in a place of content, in a place
(04:04):
of peace. And that's one of the hardest things I
think in our human condition, because people mistake the passion
and the hustle with that being the solution to everything else.
And so it's like if I work harder, that's going
to happen. If I hustle harder, I'm gonna happen. If
(04:25):
I cheat, and it's gonna happen if I do this
ideal because you know, I gotta get my money up,
I gotta stack it up. If I do this thing,
then I love a sudden and in my life experience,
what I've seen is every time that the value gets
put into that life does the complete opposite. It's like, oh, okay,
(04:45):
well that's not gonna happen. Well that job falls apart.
Well you decided to do that side thing and look
at backfire here, And it's really interesting again because we've
just been so conditioned to that being the truth. And
I think for me in my life and talking about
our industry, your condition from day one to hustle hard, push,
(05:06):
especially if you if you started your career in New
York like you and I did, It's like the only
thing that you get taught is like, hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle.
You got to outsmart everybody else. Yeah, you got to
take everybody else. You got to not sleep. And I
mean it took me a long time in my career
to get to a place where where I'm like, oh
(05:26):
my god, I've been lying to myself like and all that.
Like while I like we were talking about this the
other day, I truly believe that everything we have is
a gift. So it's really interesting to hear you talk
about that. And now that we're talking about the lows
and the highs, what's been the hardest low you had
to go through in your career?
Speaker 2 (05:44):
You know, the hardest low I think I went through
my career was I think again it goes back to
the to the fame thing or for anybody that's following
your career, your life. You know, I had a personal
had a breakup and that was that sucked, you know,
and that was terrible.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
And then I was doing what you do, You're wilding out.
You know.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
We didn't make like a public announcement about the breakup
or nothing or whatever, but you know it was I
was out.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
I was outside. Somebody saw me outside.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Super outside, you know what I'm saying, outside outside, And
then you know, I got caught up in a whole
a whole Mechlo bro and a whole you know, scandal
or if what have you. And you know, I dealt
with that for a little while. And the biggest thing
that I learned from that mom I mean, it was
very depressing, I think number one, because I was going
through this really personal.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Thing at the time.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
On top of that, now I'm dealing with ridicule from
strangers and people I don't even know. And then on
top of that, like, you know, I got brand deals,
I got things going on. And they looking and they like,
hold up, his legs is going down. He's losing followers.
They don't give a fuck about what's happening in your
personal little Like all they looking at is the numbers.
If it ain't making dollars, it ain't making one plus
(06:53):
one equals. They like, wait, he used to get one
hundred thousand likes, Now he only getting this one? Nah,
hold up? His values going down?
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Hold up?
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Maybe we don't need them, you know, Like and all
these things go through my all, all of that is
going through my head because I'm like, damn, you know,
the Lord has blessed me to be a help.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Right in my family.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
The Lord has blessed me to be you know, God
has God has given me an opportunity to you know,
help right where I can and in my family. And
the first thing I thought about was like, yo, was like, damn,
was them really even more than me?
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Like, Yo, shit like this this could affect them.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
And and then again and then makes it made me
think like, like, fuck, bro, like you should have made
better decisions or you should have I don't know how
I would have handled that now, you know what I'm saying.
I definitely would have been more methodical. I think I
definitely would have been probably more responsible as well. But
I'm also just not even in that headspace that I
was in back when that happened. But you know, by
the grace of God, you know, I feel like I'm
(07:53):
you know, I went through that valley and I came
out and I'm grateful to be standing, and I'm grateful
to be like wow, like I'm really happy that to me,
and I learned from it, you know, God willing, and
I'm like, and I can hopefully maybe even help somebody,
you know, in the future, right because of what I
what I went through.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
But I mean, dude, like in my career, bro, like
you know.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Got signed by a label, got dropped by a label,
and again, I didn't even.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Feel like that was the thing I just expressed you before.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
Was was more of a felt like more of a
hit to me really, And I think it's because really
my family, in my mind, in the back of my mind,
was deeply involved in that one like like getting signed
by label and dropped by a label. Bro, that's nothing Like,
I'm just like whatever that ain't work out, Like we're
gonna find it the right partner for the right thing
for you know, I'm not gonna stop making music because
(08:42):
that happened to me, you know what I'm saying. Like,
I'm not gonna get discouraging down on myself, you know, Oh,
because I got recast in a movie, WHI was, I'm
gonna stop making movies. I'm just gonna quit.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
Nah.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
But these are just different moments where I had to
analyze another thing that I will say, right when it
came to that moment that I talked to about, now,
you know, people are coming at me on social media
and whatnot? Right, I had so much, so much of
that shit was so embedded in my identity. If I
didn't get a certain amount of likes, or I didn't
(09:13):
get a certain amount of comments, or if I didn't
get a post a certain kind of photo, or if
I didn't look a certain kind of way in the photo,
or like, it affected me deeply.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
Bro.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
If I got one negative comment but there was like
one hundred positive ones, but.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
The one negative one, Bro, I'm zooming in on that shit.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
I'm going like this and I'm looking at I'm looking
at every word I'm dissecting. I'm like, man like, dang,
why are they saying this about me? Like af that
person or you know what I'm saying like, and I
was like, why do you care so much about this?
Why is this affecting you so deeply?
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Bro?
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Like, and yeah, what if it all does come crashing down?
What happens then? What if it all comes crashing down
and you're still alive? What you're gonna do?
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Well, You're gonna you fucking sit in the corner and
cry for the rest of your life and you're gonna
quit a life.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Nah, get up? Like I had to talk to myself
like that, Bro.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
What was the breaking point for that? Right? So, like
you're struggling with it, and what was the moment of
like realization where you were like, mmm, I have the
wrong narrative. I need to change this narrative to who cares?
Was there like a certain moment through that process that
you can identify and say, here's where I had to
face myself And that helped me transition to a different
(10:35):
mindset and a different narrative in my head that said,
who cares move on?
Speaker 1 (10:41):
I got.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
I booked iron Heart, right, So I did this Marvel
TV series. I played it, and ironically I was playing
the villain in that show. So it was like I
felt like the villain in my personal life and then
now I book my first role after this big life
thing happens to me and it's the villain in this
like TV series And I've never played a villain in
(11:02):
my whole career, so it was kind of hilarious like
that that was happening to me at the same time,
but it was more like like, bro, it's not over.
Get up. Here's an opportunity in front of you. Pick
yourself up, dust yourself off, and work as hard as
you can at this part and in this role. Take
(11:25):
this opportunity. And I feel like once I got that
opportunity man with Marvel, it was just like it was
almost like gods showing off, like bro, like especially like
the thing like Tim talking to me like if if
this was his voice in my head, this is what
it felt like or sound like, like like if you
think what you're going through is so massive, I want
you to understand that you are so small in the
(11:47):
world that I have put you in.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
You watch but a blip, broh. What seems so big.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
To you is nothing to me. And look boom, look
at this. Now, what you're gonna do with that? You're
gonna stay stuck on the little thing that it was
not little? Right, Like, I don't want you to treat
things that you have frivolously and people. However, here's another opportunity.
Here's a chance for you to do something. Here, do
something with that. Let's see what you do with that.
(12:15):
And then it came another thing, and then came another thing, right,
you know, but it was like yo, you know, and
then I'm going on the presstol for transformers in the
career right in my career, it was like it wasn't over.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
On the contrary, it was getting better.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
But it was also like, I don't think it could
have gotten better if I had enough let go of
that thing that was holding me, which was like do
they like me? Like?
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Will they like me? But will they not only will
they like, will they love me?
Speaker 3 (12:49):
You know?
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Like, and you know, just needed to let that go.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
Let's get into that a bit, right, because you said
a lot of interesting things and I think the takeaway,
and it's something we talked about on the show a
lot is watching our narratives, right, Like, we talk so
much to ourselves in an unkind way, and we take
our live experiences and we create the story behind this
(13:12):
live experience. So we create the oh but everybody, and
we'll zoom into it because we're filtering that information through
our trauma, right right. And I think I've heard you
talk about this a couple of times and obviously you
just touched on it. The not feeling good enough, right, Yeah,
not feeling like you're capable to have the blessing that
(13:35):
God has given you, even though the exterior is showing
something different. The exterior is showing I'm I'm a monster,
I'm the best executing, I'm the beast. I'm a beast. Yeah,
I can go up and get every role and look
at me at the cover of Twister and this and promo, promo,
and the insis saying, yeah, but you're not good enough.
You're not good enough, but you're not good And I
(13:56):
can relate to that because I think it's the story
of my life and career as well. And I truly
believe it's been the biggest change that we hold and
hold those log is that internal feeling of am I enough?
Do you remember the first time as a kid feeling that, yeah,
you know what's interesting?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Before I answer that question, Sometimes we mistake the behavior
that I'm not good enough behavior with with no, it's
just because I love you, or it's because I love
this behavior, right. We sometimes we think that there's synonymous
with one another. Right, So we do things because we
don't feel good enough, but we're like and then we
(14:38):
take the love and we put it in there and
we say, no, but look how much I love you.
But look how much I love this. Look how much
I love my career. Look how much I love my wife. Well,
look how much I love my kid. Look at what
I'm doing for them, Look at what I do for you.
And we think that they go together, but they don't.
And a person can feel when you do something out
of love, and when you're doing something out you just
(15:00):
not feeling good enough or feeling like you are good enough.
And then it especially is evident when you're doing it
to someone or for someone that loves you exactly how
you are and accepts you exactly how you are.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
It always says, uh, my, my, spiritual leader who I
work with all the time said to me, Les, you're
a giver. The question is why are you giving?
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Why?
Speaker 3 (15:24):
And he said, no one needs saving, so why are
you giving? It's like, are you giving because you need
to feel worth it? Because it gives you the understanding
that people are like, oh, man, Lex is so nice.
It's such a good guy. He's so great. But then
the moment that love doesn't get a returned you're like, Dan,
this person didn't even call me, like for my birthday,
rus away. You were giving it for the admiration. You're
(15:45):
giving it for things. The moment you don't feel good,
that same giving goes away. The same giving now it's like, yo,
look what I'll do for you. You know, it's what you're
saying it And he said he had that problem all so,
he said, but it goes back to that filter of
like not feeling good and having to have the savor complex.
And one of the things that has stuck to me,
(16:06):
I would say, since he told it to me, is
no one needs to save me.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Mm hmm.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
And sometimes we relate this idea of having to be
kind or be a certain way, like you said, oh,
you know, somebody got sick, and you're like, oh, well,
I have to text them, like I gotta do that.
And then and the question is do you really right?
(16:33):
Like who told you that you have to? Now? Do
you want to? And you have to? It's a two different,
two different role and that and that idea of that
separation is when you check your filter and you're like, WHOA.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
I remember one time I was in seventh grade, right,
and I was already friends with some of these kids,
and I don't know what compelled me. Right there was
a girl and I'm so sorry to this girl. I
think her name was Jennifer or something like that, and
I basically like, I started cracking jokes on Jennifer right
in the class. I said some wild shit to her,
and it was only because I wanted to be And
(17:12):
then those guys that were there, they started laughing at
my jokes. And I see them laughing at the jokes,
and I'm like, okay, yeah, I'm good. I feel safe.
I feel good enough. So at the expense of her feelings,
I was like, it's okay, never mind her feelings, as
long as I can just feel safe in here and
(17:32):
good enough, as long as I can feel like I
have allies. Here's how I'm going to get them. And
it's a wild way of thinking, bro.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
I want to touch on that because so many people
can identify to that, right, There's so many people like
us who on a daily basis do that in one
way or the other. We do it with our loved ones,
we do it with girlfriends, who do it with what
have you deal with your friends? Which is it's a
lot easier to judge because the judgment on that gives
(18:07):
you this sense of like, oh, it's not me, is
them right? You know? But it's this whole thing is
really and and the concept of U versus use that
all this is a narrative that is intended to allow
you to start looking inward, right, like this falseness of
responsibility with our parents and with other people. The idea
(18:29):
that we need to save people in order to feel valued,
The idea that we're not valued yet, So the we
search our whole lives for value in career and love
and success. So we approach every single one of those
things with the idea. And I love the example you
gave of like rich and not of this idea that
the reality is we're all rich inside. That's the truth identities.
(18:53):
We're all rich inside, but our trauma and our stories
have us thinking like we're poor inside and our circumstances. Right, So,
but that mental thought of going into a situation and
saying the success is me loving something and doing it
passionately and if regardless of what the outcome is. And
(19:13):
I was having a conversation the other day with a
really wealthy person who she just had a baby, and
she was stressing a little bit. She's like, oh my god,
you know, I'm so worried about like what school is
he going to go to? What this how we're going
to handle it? And I asked the question, I said,
is is any of that going to guarantee that your
son turns out?
Speaker 1 (19:33):
Okay?
Speaker 3 (19:35):
She paused and said, I asked because I'm starting to
understand that the only way to be a great father
to my daughter is just to better me, not to
better her circumstances, right, not to better like we have
this idea that Okay, I've done so well, so I
want my daughter to have a better school. The truth
is you and I didn't go to the best school.
(19:57):
In a lot of people's eyes, were considered very success.
But the things that we are not successful. The things
that we struggle with, the trauma that came from our
life experience, from our parents teaching us things that maybe
you know their parents taught so they were carrying that trauma.
The best way to help my daughter be the best
version of herself is to become the best version of
(20:17):
myself so that when she comes and something happens, instead
of me trying to go crazy on her, I'm like, hey,
I don't actually know, but we'll figure it out together.
The way that I didn't take her behavior is not
let me go punish her and she has to do
exactly what I said. And you better get an a school,
but it's actually just school. Do you love it? Do
(20:40):
you want to learn that? How do I push you
and give you discipline? But with the understanding that the
truth is I'm a college dropout right right right, and
(21:03):
I've made more money than my whole family, and it
took me so many years to get to that place
because I felt like you unworthy. I felt like I
wasn't enough. I felt like I must not be enough
because look at my life situation, because my father's not home.
And that leads me back to the original question, which
(21:23):
is can you identify that first time when that feeling
of not enough came into your life.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
I mean, you know, look, God rest my father's soul.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Man, I love him, but you know, you know, my
dad passed away two years ago.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
But when my father was alive.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Like when we was kids, bro like, he was tough,
man like, and you know, he didn't live with us
or anything, and you know, he dealt with addiction in
a severe way.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
I mean all the way to the end of his life.
Speaker 2 (21:55):
But very often we didn't feel safe around him, and
you know when he would come around, and I felt,
especially growing up when I was a kid, I felt
like I couldn't defend my mom. I couldn't do anything,
you know, and I felt scared of my father, and
I felt like I moved out of my mom's house
when I was thirteen, I moved back in when I
was seventeen. I lived with my aunt for a little bit,
and I came back when I was seventeen. But then
(22:17):
I left when I was, you.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Know, eighteen, seventeen, eighteen years old.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
And I think that there was a part of me
that felt bad, like I couldn't defend my mom.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Like number one, you know.
Speaker 2 (22:28):
I felt like I was too young or too like little,
but I was also really afraid of him. And then
I just wasn't around, you know, right, I wasn't around
at all. And then that was one of the ways
that I didn't feel good enough, right like, And I
also was like, am I not good enough that he
can't just he can't be around. I'm not even asking
(22:48):
him for shit, Like I'm not even asking you. Because
then it got to the place where I'm an adult
now and I'm like, I don't even need money from you, bro,
I'm just asking for you to be around. Bro, I'm
just asking I just want you to just be around.
That's all you have to do. You don't even need
to talk, bro. And it just felt like even that
was difficult sometimes. From when I was really little all
(23:12):
the way to now, man, there were a lot of
elements of me not feeling good enough when it came
to my father and then my mom, you know, my mom,
and not feeling like I could do enough for her
when it came to him, you know, or help her enough,
and so yeah, man, you know that made me feel bad.
But yeah, man, I remember this one crazy ass story.
I remember one time I poss pulled a knife out
(23:33):
of my mom outside the building, and I got between them,
both her and him, and I was like stop, you know,
like I didn't know if he was going to stab
or not or what he was trying to but and
that was like a heroic moment for me.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
You know, I wasn't going to.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Be able to defend her from him, but that shit
was mad traumatic, bro like things like just memories like
that that come up, and I just was like, damn,
I just like there was nothing, there was nothing we
could do.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
To protect her.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
And also like him like right, like like we tried
to help him, you know, when we got older, you know,
we're like, Dad, you don't need to do this, or Pops,
you you know, there's another way or here's how you
know we can we can help you out, and and
it just felt like it felt like, you know, nothing
was gonna work and we were just gonna have to
ride it out until, you know, until he died. And
(24:27):
it was just like damn, like like it felt, you know,
it felt like damn, or your kids, are we not enough?
Speaker 3 (24:33):
Have you had a moment to sit and forgive him?
You know?
Speaker 1 (24:38):
I think so?
Speaker 2 (24:39):
But sometimes I got to ask myself, like, have I
really because sometimes I'll be making some crazy ass jokes
about about my dad or like him dying and shit,
and I'm like, no, that's not funny. I mean sometimes
it's funny like in the moment, and I usually do
what my friends will also have parents were dead, you know,
we call you know, we call it like the dead
dad Club or dead parent club. If you're not laughing
(24:59):
about it, you're crying about it. And sometimes, you know,
it's cool to have somebody to laugh, you know, Like
I love one of Kevin's Heart Kevin Hart's titles, laugh
at My Pain, because sometimes I really do, Like I
think we grew up laughing at our pain.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Really, like we laughed a lot in our home.
Speaker 3 (25:16):
You know.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
That is one thing even with Pops, you know, like
Dad was funny man like. He used to come and dude,
used to crack jokes, bro Like. He was funny as shit,
bro like, And that was the thing, Like, the one
thing I could say about him was that, like it
didn't matter what we was going through, what kind of friction,
Like Pops always had a joke though he had something
funny to say. He'd say something that even if we
(25:37):
was beefing. He would say something and be like, damn,
that was fucking hilarious, like and then we'd laughing, and
then you know, and.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
Move on from there.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
But like, I think I've forgiven him. I'm pretty sure
I've forgiven him. But if I have to say I'm
pretty sure, then maybe not.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
But if you have to visualize right now, that inner child,
right that Anthony, that was there at that moment when
times were not good, when your father was not when
you didn't feel good enough, when all these things that
have created traumatic experiences in your life, how to have
worked through that As you sit back now as an adult,
(26:12):
if you could say one thing to that inner child,
what would it be?
Speaker 1 (26:15):
What you're going through right now is not forever.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
So like that Cole said that Donald's you know, told
me the other day that it hit me so hard again.
It was just like, be where your feet are, Just
be where you're at, feel what you're feeling, with the
understanding that this will not be forever. Though I know
it feels like this is the thing that will last forever.
There's a feeling that will last forever, but it's not
(26:40):
because even if someone else doesn't change or even if
a circumstance doesn't change the way you think about it
can So just feel what you're feeling right now. Try
to understand what you're feeling. Even if you don't understand it,
just try ask yourself the questions and don't be afraid
to ask yourself dumb questions. You know, and other people too, right,
other people that maybe have more life experience, or people
(27:03):
you trust that you have given you good counsel. But
all that to say is I would tell that kid like, yo, like,
everything's gonna be all right, and this won't last forever,
but it's okay. How you feel is perfectly fine. You're
not crazy for feeling how you feel. You're not stupid
for feeling how you feel, and it's all right, Like
accept how you feel again with the understanding knowing this
(27:26):
won't last forever. Right, So feel this today and then
tomorrow we start figuring out how we're going to move
forward from what happened to you today or from what
you're feeling today.
Speaker 3 (27:34):
You know, it's a beautiful thing. It's like your brain
doesn't know the difference between something that's falls and something
that's real, or something that's a reality or something that's imagination.
It just takes what you say. So as you get
to have that moment with yourself, that inner child, which
is really those memories and that trauma that's sitting inside
(27:57):
of you still your brain has the ability in yourself
conscience has the ability to hear that and start releasing
that energy. That keeps us today as an adult, living
the trauma of our inner child, because that's what it is.
We're living these experiences and we hold these moments of memory,
(28:19):
like your father taking out the nye for sleeping at
a friend's house and not feeling like not good enough.
It holds those memories as it's took place and give
certainty to the emotion that the child fell. So it
gives it the stamp of like, no, it's okay. It's
(28:39):
okay that you feel not good enough because look what
you went through. What I found in my own work
has been that the inner child, which is those memories
and those thoughts of our life experience, is just sitting
there with the ears open, just waiting, you know. But
we create patterns in our life lives, and part of
(29:01):
the pattern is that we repeat our hurt we get
in our mind and we continue to have the conversation
of like, nah, man, but it's because because he was
like that, So I'm like that, you know, and you know,
and you kind of go through that pattern. It's like, oh,
she's acting like that, but she reminds me of that,
So that's why I'm gonna act like that because she
(29:21):
is right, you know, yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
Or she reminds me of that kind of person, or
they remind me of that. That's why I am the
way I am.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
You know, I don't trust people like that, or I
don't trust a person like that. I can't open my
mind up to that because you know, when I did
that last time, this is what happened to me, you.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
Know, And it's it's literally in their child and your
mind just opened and saying, Okay, we're gonna stay here,
continue to hold right, and continue to hold the same
feeling and the same emotion and the same trauma. We're
gonna just hold it because that's what he generally wants
us to do. Not why would he be saying it. Yeah.
(30:00):
And I found that the more that I speak and
the more that I can identify these patterns in my life,
I can reframe those patterns in order to start digesting
my life experience in a different way and speaking to
that kid and he lamb and telling him, hey, you're okay.
(30:20):
Your mom and your dad made decisions in their life.
Your mom had to go, and this pain that you
have against your dad, your dad had an impossible decision.
He could have told your mom, no, you're not taking
my kid to the US, and where would you be today?
Or he could have said, as much as it pains me,
I know there's not a life for him here, and
(30:41):
if I think my son is great, I got to
send them where there's opportunity. Knowing that he was not
going to see you for many years, and just that
reframing of like, I started to uncover things about those
moments that I had completely forgotten, like the moment and
I found out the lady was pregnant. I remember jumping
(31:03):
in the back of the truck, crying hysterically all the
way back to the house, and then my dad asking
everybody to leave the car. For years, I didn't remember
the words he said. Now, as I was doing my work,
I remember the words he said, and the words he
said is you will never be replaced. I am your father,
And he cried. My dad never cries and he cried,
(31:26):
and I remember that by healing, and I was like, wow,
I perceived that moment so different because I was so
contracted in my emotion that I just didn't and for
such a long time I processed it in one way,
but allowing to go back and telling that child he's okay,
that actually everything is going to be okay, and that
(31:51):
this experience that he's going through is not gonna last.
But while he's there, feel everything about it and take
in because there is those moments, and there is that inspiration,
that creativity, and there is that hustle, and there's that
experience that today makes Anthony Ramos a successful actor. What
it is is that we tend to continue the same habits,
(32:12):
believe an emotional experience that we've always had, So we
talk to ourselves in the same way, we kind of
process information in the same way. And as I started
to work on this process myself, I found that these
were keys in order to start rewiring my brain to
think differently. And the first one was awareness, you know,
(32:32):
because you can't change something that you don't notice, So
is being aware of how I frame my conversations, how
I speak about myself, or how I speak about my
father or how I perceived the situation, so I could
be like, wait, was that is that reality? Or is
that Can I look at that experience and see him
(32:55):
or her with compassion? Second? Was understanding their So why
am I saying this to myself? Like? What do I say?
But that's just the way I am. You know how
many times I've used that in a relationship conversation. But
that's the way I is. You have to love me
the way I am, bro, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
That's yeah, that's one way ticket to a breakup.
Speaker 3 (33:17):
Oh, but that's the way I am. You know, Naming
the pattern, giving it a name allows me to put it.
So whenever I'm processing something through a trauma that I
know I have, I say, that's my owner child talking
and I pause and I try to really think about
why is he talking to himself that way? Why am
I saying that to myself? And completely put the child
(33:41):
in front of me, or put my mother in front
of me, put my father in front of me, put
my fear in front of me. I read this book
called The Uncharted Journey, and you'll relate to this because
you're an actor. And I said, your life experience is
just a role. Can you start looking at it as
(34:02):
the watcher, so meaning you're an actor, right, you could
go play the guy in Twister or any of the
roles you've done, the Hero and Transformers, and you do
your whatever, you know, three months of filming, and then
you get out and you're not that guy anymore. You're
not dressed the same way, you're not talking the same way.
You know what I mean, you're not experiencing. You're not
(34:23):
all of a sudden living in the jungle waiting for
a transformer to pop out, right, Like life is the
exact same way. It's a role. And when you look
at it as the washer, you can start rewriting that
script because you can start visualizing your life experience as like,
oh wait, that's actually my energild, that's not her, or
(34:44):
that's not my father, or that's not my brother who
did that, that's my image child being triggered. And then
I'm not even looking at that person with compassion. I'm
just ready to judge them because I need to stamp
my feelings as right. So I name that the pattern.
So one of the things that that has really helped
(35:05):
me in is that it's like as soon as I
identify the pattern, I tried to stop, so I legit
repeat to myself, stop stuff, stop or why are you
doing the thing while I'm doing the thing, in order
to pause and reassess. And mind you, there's days that
I don't stop, and I just I'm in my full emotion.
But the more that I like going to the gym
(35:25):
or anything else or acting or learning, the more that
I've done the repetition, the more that it's helped me be.
And then I rewrite the narrative. He wasn't bad. He
was just hurting. Yeah, he was just trying to figure
it out, just like I am. He did the best
he could with his own internal battles that I have
(35:48):
no idea what they were, because his life experience also
has his own story, and his father has his own story,
and his grandfather has a story, and he, just like
I am, has carried the weight of his father, his grandfather,
his ancestors. And now I carry his way the way
to my grandfather, the way to my great grandfather. So
(36:10):
can I change the way that I speak about him,
because now I just see him as someone who's hurting?
Speaker 1 (36:17):
Wow, Can I change the way I speak about him.
Speaker 3 (36:20):
Is crazy in that way. How do we change the
way that we speak to ourselves? And that leads me
to the question that we always end the podcast with.
I think as a songwriter, as an actor, as a creative,
you understand the power of words. I had the pleasure
(36:41):
of going to your home and hearing this incredible project
that you're working on. What I love about this project?
And I don't know how much I can say or not,
so I won't get too deep into what the project is.
But I was telling you before we started how impacted
I was by the choice of words and things that
you did in order to build this character. The characters
(37:04):
stand for something, They stand for these words, and as
we talk, you know the whole conversation. We speak to
ourselves in an unkind way. But I'm not good enough.
We look and we assume in at the negative comment
we have this conversation, we pick on all the things
(37:25):
that are triggers, because when we are triggered, we go
to the foundation. And the truth is that for most
of us that foundation is paining herd trauma. And it's
just like we need that understanding the power of words.
Understand that your mind doesn't know the difference that the
inner child and you can listen. What is one word
(37:46):
or a phrase that Anthony Ramos, that little Anthony need
to hear today that can change how you perceive your life,
how you perceive the rest of this day, and how
you perceive the rest of your week.
Speaker 2 (38:01):
Hm, that's crazy. I think I mean the phrase again,
and I keep bringing it back. I keep bringing it
back to this one. But be where your feed are
was just that just hit me so hard this week, man,
because I just I'm just not I think I've not
been great at that, just in general in my life,
worrying about what's next all the time.
Speaker 1 (38:21):
Why wouldn't I write?
Speaker 2 (38:22):
Because the first question anybody asks you, especially when you're
an artist, so what's next? But I think it's like
be where your feed are and a mentor mindset. This
to me so good man. You know I've been just
shout out to et man. He said, do not allow
your emotions to be the driver of your decisions. Don't
(38:42):
let your emotions be the drive the car of your life.
Keep it set in your morals. I think we talked
about this at breakfast, but he said, your emotions are good,
they're good co pilot don't help you understand where you at,
what you're feeling, but don't allow them to be the
driver of your decisions. And I was like, man, that
(39:06):
is that. Man, I've been I've been quoting that, and
I've been thinking about that for months now since he
told me, because I do feel like I have led
with my emotions so many times in my life, especially
in things I've said or ways I've reacted to certain
things or to people or and yeah, man, that hit
(39:31):
me so hard. I don't have one word, but made
forwards like, it's not that deep. It's not, yo, Stop
taking it personal everything, you know, taking everything so personal
all the time, or that person said this like this,
or that person did that to me back then, or
they did. Bro, it's not that deep.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
It's not.
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Like you find you good today, Like, bro, you're good,
You're fine, it's fine, it's all good.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
It's not that deep. Stop giving it so much weight.
Speaker 3 (40:05):
Can you say that to yourself?
Speaker 1 (40:09):
Yeah, yeah, it's not that deep. It's not. It's just not.
Speaker 3 (40:17):
It's interesting when we say things externally as we communicate
them to someone, and when we actually pause and say
it automatically, your whole facial expression changed.
Speaker 2 (40:33):
Yeah, I guess I got nervous to say it to
myself just now, which was kind of crazy.
Speaker 3 (40:36):
Love that bro, you versus You as a production of
meon sixteen and Entertained Studios in partnership with the Iheartmichael
to that podcast network for more podcasts, listen to the
iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.
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