9: How to Be Single & (Not Just Pretend to) Love It, with Devyn Simone

We’re kicking it off with our NEW series: Love + Relationships. In today’s episode, we’re talking about how to be single, playing the dating game, why the matrix (society) doesn’t want you to be single, and how you can re-write your fairy tale. 

 

Zuri also shares why #singlegoals needs to trend and her top 3 reasons eating alone, can be the ultimate self-care happiness boost. Next up Z goes one-on-one with professional matchmaker Devyn Simone, who's going to hook you up with all the details on how to do your single time right. How to slide into the DMs, how not to ghost and what to do if YOU get ghosted.

 

We are manifesting MATCHES in 2021 honeyyy, and Group Chat member - Cleo - volunteers as tribute to get her dating profile analyzed, updated, and remixed, by Devyn

 

Make sure you stay ‘til the end for this week’s ‘Party Trick’: We've got a dating app hack that will help guarantee that you find exactly who you were looking for + where you want them to be. Believe us, it’s going to blow your mind, it’s just that good!  

 

RESOURCES + LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE

Devyn Simone is a renowned matchmaker and dating expert, whose skillful guidance has helped countless singles find and create happy sustainable relationships. Devyn helped singles revamp their dating profile on her TLC television show, Love at First Swipe, and has made it her mission to help those who are looking for love, find it. | www.DevynSimone.com

 

Listen and learn how you can win a $100 Amazon gift card. Giveaway ends Sun Jan 24, 2021, @ 11:59p ET

 

Follow @ZuriHall and @HotHappyMess on Instagram to keep the good vibes going.

 

Read the Shownotes for the full list of resources + links from today’s episode.

 

Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hot, happy mess celebrate your magic in the middle of
life's messes. Hot happy. I'm Zurie Hall, and this is
hot happy made shot. Hey, y'all, I am Zuri Hall,
and this is hot happy mess where we make the
most of the moments we are in and celebrate the

(00:29):
magic and all that is hot, happy and messy in
our lives. In today's episode, y'all, we are kicking off
a new series. Okay, a new series. I am so
excited about this. We are talking love and relations really relationships,

(00:50):
but relations just sounds so much more like old people
version of serious, Like don't be getting in relations with
nobody you ain't ready to get in, no relations with Okay. Anyways,
we're talking about loving relationships and this could easily be
the series for the entire year. That's just one how

(01:11):
much I love the topic, but to how applicable it
is to our lives, Like it's not just romantic relationship necessarily,
and we'll dive into that too. When we're talking about breakups.
It might be a friend who have to break up with, okay,
but just relationships in general, but definitely from a romantic lens.
And I'm really excited about today's first episode, because before

(01:33):
we can get into the nitty gritty of relationships and love,
we need to talk about how to be single and
not just pretend to love it, because I have definitely
been there, I think we all have. First up, I've
got some things that I want to get off my chest.
M being single in America, really the whole world, not
just America, but saying America felt more dramatic, so I

(01:55):
did that. Um. And then also I'm going to talk
about just how I love getting hot and called up
to take myself out to eat in a non pandemic world,
which makes me very happy, except when everyone around me
is booed up, silently pitying me, and I'm suddenly fighting
off emotional mess status. Then I'm going one on one

(02:15):
with a professional matchmaker and dating expert who's gonna hook
you up with how to do your single time right,
where to find dates, how to make a great impression,
how to ghost, what to do if you get ghosted.
She is going in, she's great. I promise you're gonna
love her. And then we are just getting started. Baby.

(02:37):
We have one of my group chat members, Cleo, calling
in and she is going to get her dating at
profile picks apart by our professional matchmaker, analyzed updated because
we are manifesting matches in one Okay, you hear me,
swipe bright, let's go. Lastly, party trick. We've got a

(02:58):
dating apt pack that will help guarantee that you find
exactly who you were looking for where you want them
to be. And if you ain't single right now, that's okay,
neither am I. But listen anyway, first of all, and secondly,
don't be a hater. Send it to a friend, send
it to a loved one, send it to someone who
can use some of these tips and tools. But I

(03:22):
think there's something for everyone in here. And even if
you're in a relationship, not to be shady, but who
knows someone you'll be in it and then you'll be
single again, and then this episode will apply. So basically,
I'm really reaching to convince you you should choot it.
It's gonna be a good one and a friendly reminder,
it is not too late to enter our Hot Happy
Mess giveaway for a one Amazon gift card. It's super

(03:42):
easy to enter, so just stay tuned until the end
of the episode for the very simple rules. So anyways,
back to being single, can we talk about eating while single. Seriously,
I would just love to, you know, just dive in
for a second, because all know I love, no correction,
live for food. It is one of life's great joys,

(04:06):
and I go in. I am very passionate about this topic.
If you couldn't tell today, as I am sipping a
little table Veno Prophecy brand, thank you so much for asking.
I am reflecting because Valentine's Day is approaching. Oh boy, yeah,
it's coming. Like I said, I am in a relationship currently,

(04:28):
and now I promise that I'm not here to be
the doucheback chick who's using a Hallmark holiday as an
opportunity to rub that in everyone's faces. That's what Instagram
is for. I'm kidding you, guys, I'm kidding, jeez, Relax.
I am, however, reflecting on this time two years ago,
which was me single as mostly loving it actually, but

(04:50):
occasionally reminded by outsiders let's call them the Matrix for
dramatic effect, that my singleness was not a thing that
I should be loving. And if you have ever been
a single woman in America or anywhere else, I would
assume then I know you feel me on this because
it sometimes feels like the world doesn't want you to
be single, and reinforces this mentality that we as women

(05:12):
need to be booed up. Reality shows where a bunch
of women or occasionally men, compete to win the affection
of one guy, who, to be quite frank only has
a seventeen point four percent chance of even being worth
the fight. Shows that center on women who have or
had a famous boyfriend or married into a come up,
whether it's a doctor, an athlete, or real estate tycoon, whatever.

(05:32):
And that is no shade because we have all fallen guilty,
myself included of binging the shows. Shows are great, it's
so much fun to watch, and there's a time and
a place for them. I'm just saying that for every
docuseries about getting a man, or being with a man,
or getting over having been with a man, can we
get at least one, preferably more about a woman just

(05:54):
doing the damn thing, just do in her thing. Look,
I love a couple of goals moment or photo just
as much as the next girl, and trust you will
see plenty on my Instagram. But when does single goals trend?
No hashtag single goals? That is the viral hashtag moment

(06:15):
we need. I had so much fun a couple of
years that I was single. I had so much fun
the more recent two years that I was single, which
has still been a little while now, and I made
some of my best memories y'all, the photos, the lessons
that came from that chapter of my life. Matter of fact,
can we make that a hashtag trend? I'm on a tangent.

(06:35):
Will revisit the whole hashtag thing later. But one thing
that I really love to do while I was single
and still do even when I'm in a relationship, is
give myself a really healthy dose of self care. Go
listen to episode three if you haven't already, called self
love is sexy a f It's all about how to

(06:55):
love on yourself. But I like to dose up on
my self care. Lay on the E l C. Yes,
she went to Paris a couple of times, so she's
speaking a little bit of French and that was the
beginning of the end of the French. And I like
to go out to eat alone. Yes, I said it.

(07:16):
I take myself out to eat and I love it.
Mind blowing. Whoa living on the edge? Guys? Now, before
I tell you this story. Let me just explain why
I stand a table for one. These are three reasons. Okay,
just hear me out that I think taking yourself out
to eat is not only hot, but can up your

(07:37):
happy vibes while you're out dying. One is a confidence booster, Okay,
you're challenging yourself to step outside of your comfort zone.
You're also telling yourself and everyone around you that you
deserve what you're treating yourself to, with or without someone
there to share it. So after you get over that
initial discomfort of oh my god, I'm here alone, people

(07:59):
are staring at me, you settle into just not giving
a damn and practice the art of enjoying your own company.
I'm telling y'all, I've said it before, I'll say it
a thousand more times. Self love is the best love. Okay.
Number two, a girl's gotta eat period. If you're craving
your favorite diner or tie spot, go It's also a

(08:19):
really fun way, in my opinion, to explore new cuisines
and new places while savoring some solo time. You can
bring a book to read, you can get some work
done on your iPad. You can listen to a podcast
while you eat hot, happy mess, or you open yourself
up to more interactions with new people. I feel like
people always find it easier to approach or start a

(08:39):
friendly conversation when I'm solo, and I've honestly met some
really cool men and women because one of us struck
up a combo while I was out by myself. And three,
you can devour an entire pizza by yourself without anybody
trying to put their grubby little poth on one of
your slices. That is a trigger for me, now, mind you.
On occasion, it can get a little uncomfortable, like one

(09:03):
of the very first times I did it as a
newly single adult in my then late twenties. I was
celebrating me and living my life like it's golden, golden
shout out to Jill Scott and burning incense and all
that okay stage in the rooms, just mad extra and
just new relationship status. Knew me and I was so
proud of this older, more mature zuri that I was becoming,

(09:26):
that I was getting to know and learning to love
even more. Do you remember the last time you stepped
out into the real world with your inner sanctuary energy
and boom? They tried it. Have you ever experienced that?
Like bra Oprah and I are over here trying to
do myself work and we're feeling pretty good about it.
So hey, world, if you could just chill the scout

(09:48):
for like five seconds and stop trying to ruin my progress,
that'd be great. Thanks. Yeah, well this was that. Okay.
It was around Valentine's Day of gosh wow, twenty nineteen
at this point when I had decided to take myself
out to eat, and again, I do this often have
four years relationships, status be damned, and I highly recommend

(10:11):
you try it. I love food. I don't want to
have to be across the table from someone I'm boning
every time I want to eat it. So anyways, I
got all cute for my damn self and I headed
to this delightful little Italian restaurant in l A called
a Steamza. Highly recommended. I've been with a friend a
few weeks before this, and I thought it would be
nice to just, you know, return solo for the spaghetti

(10:31):
carbonara that I was so desperately craving. What was I
supposed to do? Never go out unless I could find
a willing friend or a half interested bumble date to
dine with, never enjoy a freshly served played a perfectly
al dente pasta again instead of the kind that I
can't not overboil in my own kitchen, I think the
nut After checking it in at the restaurant for one,

(10:53):
a waiter guided me smack dab to the middle of
five empty stools at this like bar like dining counter,
and I'm like, I realized very quickly, or maybe I
assumed in my single lady defensiveness, but probably just realized quickly,
because I'm pretty sure it wasn't in my head. I
felt like he was like, let's not let the single
lady throw off the chair count for the two couples

(11:16):
or the pairs of friends who will inevitably materialize and
cushion her singleness. Soon she'll be swallowed up in the
crowded bar and we won't even remember she's here alone
to pity her. Wonderful what in the public shaming is this? Okay?
So I didn't actually say that, but I said with
my eyes, and I think the waiter got the message,
because well, he never came back. So now I'm making

(11:38):
besties with a bartender who clearly pities me. I'm kidding
this to my head now. But the further into my
head I got, the more I thought about how public
perception and societal bs quite frankly, has been challenging my
ideas on the things that make me happy. Now I'm
just stuck in this rabbit hole of thoughts while flagging
Bartender Gregg down for more partisan Although I didn't mind

(12:00):
eating alone, I'll be honest, there were quite a few
things that I was realizing I didn't want to do alone.
A part of me felt a pang of guilt. Was
I a bad feminist? How dare I deep down not
want to buy my first house on my own? I
thought me and my spouse would go through that process together.
Isn't that how it's supposed to go quote unquote Pick

(12:21):
a city to settle down in alone, plan a summer
vacation with all my coupled up friends, and stick to
the room with the full sized bed. Knowing, damn well,
I wanted to upgrade to a king just in case
I caught my blessing before peak tourist season hit. Was
I putting my desires on hold for a man? Oprah

(12:42):
wanted more from me? In my mind? Was it so
wrong to want to share these big life milestones with someone. Hell,
not even anyone but the one. Was it time to
buy a second hand first stool from a local thrift shop?
Busits stool or stole that the first thing that the
old rich ladies wrap around their necks? I don't know,
second hand first stool from a local thrift shop by

(13:03):
a respectable brownstone in a charming part of town, and
resign myself to life as a fabulous old dame who
only answers to lady z. I've clearly been watching a
lot of Bridger two. Should I be perusing shelters for
my first cat adoption? How the is that even supposed
to work? I'm allergic to cats, although I must admit,
if it's that cliche cat or dog person question, I

(13:25):
kind of pick cats. I think they misunderstood I said
what I said. Don't add me snapping out of it.
Though out of this this toxic thought spiral, I proceeded
to inhale my perfectly prepared Carbonara down two hearty glasses
of lambrusco. One good thing about single lady dining is
I find you very often get hooked up with heavy
pores on occasion, and I said, you know what, the patriarchy.

(13:51):
It was great. So that big sexy tangent. Just to
get to the moral of the story ten hours later,
is treat yourself. Maybe not now with the whole pandemic. Obviously,
be safe, be smart. A lot of us aren't eating out,
myself included here in Los Angeles, but to food delivery
right now, I am going to town on the deliveries.

(14:13):
I probably need to chill out. But at the end
of the day, you deserve it. You deserve that tiny
little indulgence every now and then, and it does not
it should not be contingent upon someone else being there
to witness it or be a part of it. Give
it to yourself because you deserve it. Okay, So anyways,
that's my little single while eating rant. But just because

(14:34):
you're single doesn't mean that you don't want to flir
and have fun and meet different people. In fact, that's
one of the best parts about being single, the flexibility
and the freedom to do what you want with whomever
you want. So I've got just the thing for you
if that's where you are in life. I promise the
wine isn't hitting as hard as it probably seems like

(14:56):
it's hitting right now. Devin Simone dev and Simone is
an internationally renowned dating expert and a matchmaker at Three
Day Rule, whose skillful guidance has helped countless singles find
and create happy, sustainable relationships. She was the co host
and co creator of the hit TLC show Love at
First Swipe, and Devon's dating experience has been featured on

(15:17):
Good Morning America, the Rachel Ratio. The list goes on
and on, and today she is here to fill you
in on how to be single and how to play
the dating game. Okay, here we go, y'all, you're gonna
love this. Here's Devon kicking things off. Devin, thank you
so much for joining me. How are you feeling today?
How are we doing? Hey Zee, I'm happy to be

(15:39):
here feeling good and yeah, we're that is good. That
is the blessing in and of itself. We'll take what
we can get at this point. I'm super excited about
this episode in this series that we're kicking off, because
we're talking all about love and relationships and I was like,
oh my god, Devin would be perfect for this because
I live for your Instagram post the like four or

(16:02):
five six slides or I'm like, where are you fighting?
These means they're hilarious. It's like an undercover meme account.
So there's like they you'll find like dating tips, advice perspectives.
But then you keep swiping and then there's all you
sort of see these ridiculous It's just spirals into the
most hilarious, hilarious content. Um, you're dating expert, your professional

(16:25):
matchmaker before we dive into you trying to get our
lives together in the relationship department. What does that mean?
Like what does your work intel? Yeah, so you know
as a matchmaker and with a company called Three Day Rule.
They're fabulous. They're in nine cities nationwide and we're currently
expanding and uh, you know what we do. Our job

(16:46):
is really just to understand people, um, and then to
help them understand who would be a complimentary partner for them. So,
you know, sometimes you're so in it you can't you
can't realize it, like you can't recognize it. And so
I interview people all day long, learn you know, the good,
the bad, what they learned in their past relationships, maybe
what they don't do so well or what they can't

(17:06):
find that they're looking for, UM, and I sort of
analyze that give them some helpful tips, and then my team, UM,
we go out and sort of connect to different people
who we think would ultimately be a good fit for
that particular person. So it's really interesting, never adult moment.
It gives me all sorts of people, learn all sorts
of things. But you also get a lot of info,
uh for dating, Like just a lot of data on

(17:28):
right right, right, So you're like a dream for big tech,
Like you are the walking keeper of all of the statistics.
Are likes, are are once, are desires and things we
don't want. We are exactly that. So I you know,
there's a database that our tech team has created to
store all of this information. Because it's so much, it's
so many people, you can never remember it all. Um.

(17:50):
But yeah, you just really start to understand sort of
the patterns because that's that's part of what it is,
is that they're definitely patterns when it comes to dating.
So when it comes to dating, in these patterns, before
we can get to the dating part, it's all about
being single. This episode is how to be single and
not just pretend to love it. Because I'm speaking for
myself I have been in the phase where I pretended

(18:11):
to love it, and then I've been in the phase
where I I loved it, Like I was like, oh
my god, I've been missing out. This is how I
was supposed to be doing this all these years. Um,
and so I'm excited for an episode that really just
dives into how to do that. What's your philosophy I'm
being single when you think about that phase or that
chapter in your life, like what should that be? What
does that mean? I you know, I think you said

(18:35):
it so well zy that like, yeah, you know, we're
kind of taught fake it till you make it, like
love yourself first and like value yourself, and then you'll
find a partner who values you. But there is a
difference between faking it, you know, till you make it
and really really loving it. And and it's important that
you get to that really love it peace because then
you have more leverage, right, Like, then you you really

(18:58):
start evaluating people bay stunt the value they bring to
your life, rather than getting some need or some dopamine hit.
Because it's kind of like a drug. As crazy as
it sounds, love really is a drug. And so if
if you don't learn how to love being with yourself.
If you don't create the safe space within yourself, then
what happens is you're looking for that safe space and

(19:18):
someone else, and that's a very dangerous place to be
because people will be people, and even with the best intentions,
they'll make mistakes. So you want to learn how to
find that safe space thing yourself, and then instead of
just because the dude looks good or girls beautiful or whatever,
you'll be less space because you'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah,
like that's cool and all, but I enjoy doing X

(19:38):
y Z with myself. Yeah, like what are you bringing
to the table right that? That's exactly it for me.
The difference came when it was like, I really like
being with myself. I enjoy my own company, and you
have to be serving up or offering something that I
enjoy more than looking at my damn self, more than
sitting with my book on my couch by myself, and

(20:00):
be okay with being alone. I think is the first
step to figuring out how to be with someone is
being okay with the idea that you might not be
with someone and being with yourself. And you know something
interesting that my dear friends, so there was a show
I don't know if you actually called What Not to Wear.
It was on for a long time, UM with Clinton, Kelly,
Stacy London and Clinton is one of my dearest friends.

(20:22):
I love him so much. And we were talking about
it and Clinton has been married for years and he
was saying, you know, especially for women. He's like, you know,
I kind of feel bad. I hope he's not mad
at me for sharing this conversation, but he's like, I
know share I was feeling. I love you Clinton. Um,
he was like, I feel bad for for women, you know,

(20:43):
because they are sold this narrative about how they have
to be in a relationship to have value, or they
have to get married, or they have to have kids.
And he goes, so they're like sold this fairy tale
and they get into a habit where it seems like
they subscribe to that fairy tale, not even knowing if
it's really what they want. So it's like we look

(21:03):
to find the partner, we look to find the boyfriend,
we look to find the relationship or whatever. Yeah, we
want those things, but it's also because oh, my friends
are getting in a relationship or everybody's saying I should
settle down or everybody's doing this, like and I'm at
this age and I feel like it should be happening
and being able to tend to take your power back
and be like, no, you get to write your fairy tale.
And guess what, you get to write a new chapter

(21:25):
every single day. You don't have to write it out ahead,
you don't have to plan and figure. You literally be
like today Devin went and did blah blah blah blah blah.
It was great. And maybe your fairy tale has a
bunch of great little love stories in it. Maybe it
come you have a long love story later in life,
maybe you have multiple, whatever it is, just know that
it starts with taking back your fairy tale. You get

(21:47):
to write it does not need to look like anyone
else is. And I think once you take that pressure off,
it's a little easier to ease into courting and dating
yourself because now you're not worried about what everybody else
is thinking or this timeline or yeah, I gotta love myself,
but I gotta do it real fast, because I mean, yeah,

(22:08):
not like you know what, I love myself. I'm gonna
take my damn time. Have you ever agreed to go
somewhere and you kind of you really didn't want to go,
but you committed. And so when you don't really want
to go, you take your time putting on the lipstick,
take your time just hoping someone might cancel. While you
putting the You're like, i'll get there. When I get there,
there's a name about it that I will post one day.

(22:28):
But it's like, you know, I'm sorry, I'm late. I
didn't want to calm and it's sort of like right,
And so this is the same, not that you don't
want to be in a relationship, certainly not saying that,
but saying when you take that timeline off and you
do you and you feel like you can go at
your own pace, it's easier to enjoy all that comes
with being in your own space and your own company. Yes, yes,

(22:51):
I love everything that you said, particularly because the difference
that I realized when I was single and kind of like,
oh should I get a boyfriend? I feel like I
need one. Everyone was as one um. I hesitated to
say desperation because I wasn't acting that way to the person,
but energetically, I do feel like there's something that comes
across to a guy or a woman when you're sitting

(23:12):
across from them, like I can just tell when I
would go on first days, like, oh, this dude is
really trying to lock it down or used, and I
just automatically I'm like check please, because I just I
just don't know it. I don't know, give me time,
give me space. When I started showing up, like, I
really love being single. I love each of these first
dates because it's just an opportunity to get to know
someone new, haven have a conversation. If I never see

(23:34):
you again, Thank you for this exchange. Thank you for
whatever fun we did have something about the person on
the other side of the table, sensing that makes them
a little more intrigued. Well, why isn't she trying to
lock me down? Well, why isn't she trying to convince
me that she's wifey material? Well, and all of the
questions create the mystery, the interest, the I need to

(23:55):
get to know her more. It was like, as soon
as I wasn't pressed, everybody was pressed. That's a hung
percent sure. It's the same reason why when you get
in a relationship, all the X is come back, you know,
like keeping your stories. You're not like, yeah, like can
we not what it's it is, it's sort of the
same thing. And also you can be more authentically you

(24:17):
because you don't care. So instead of you know, as
someone you know if either questions, you want to ask
their things, you want to talk about our things, and
you know you're trying to impress them, so you kind
of you know, hesitate or tread that line. When you
don't care. It doesn't mean let it all hang out,
but it just means you're like, like you said, like
I could see you tomorrow and I couldnt either way,

(24:37):
And with that like either way we're good. I'm I
know my favorite delivery services, I know my favorite shows,
and my couch is comfy, so you know, and you know,
I like to look in the mirror and look at
my mara, my dam self. So yeah, it creates a
sense of power. It also means that as you get
into it, that you won't be so quick to compromise

(24:59):
because when even if the person is really great, right,
it takes time to get to know them. And if
you again, if you don't create like a safe space
in yourself, safe space meaning like if the world gets
stressful or those your curveball or you're stressed out, what
is your like ask yourself, what is your safe space?
Is it with your family? Is it with your friends?

(25:20):
Is it by yourself? Is it reading a book? Is
it in your room? Ideally it's great for it to
even be with friends and family, but ideally you want
it to be with yourself because that's the one thing
you can control. That's the one thing that will always
be there, is you and your relationship with yourself. So
you're safe space being able to just read a book,
get your favorite food or snack or whatever, but light
a candle and just be and kind of you know,

(25:42):
come back to uh, come back centered. You want to
learn and feel what that is. So that way, when
you start having feelings for someone, which is gonna pull
you away from that safe space, which is what a
relationship or dating does, because you know it's so close.
By the minute anything feels weird or you feel you're
not quite getting the standard you deserve. Instead of clinging

(26:03):
to this person because you're trying to make them your
safe space, you know, like now you're in it, and
so you don't want the attention to go away. You
don't want him to stop calling. You know, look, no,
my same space over here, so either we correct this
thing or I'm gonna go back to my spot. And
it was nice knowing you, and it's easier to do
that when you know your safe space. If that's not

(26:23):
the gym of the day, A man, A man, A man. Now,
I want to ask you, you know, some of your
best practices for the single phase, and then we want
to get into some dating app conversation. But just for context,
really quickly, what's your current relationship status for our listeners,
were you in the in the this thing called love? Yeah,
that's an excellent question. So I was engaged last year.

(26:44):
This is of the first public formal announcement. Wonderful guy. Unfortunately,
there was too much racism in that family. Given what
we were dealing with um you know, and and our
dealing with now you know, and the social climate, it
just became recognizing where my own safe space was. It
became important for me to honor that um and so

(27:05):
ultimately we had to part ways. But a wonderful guy.
Wish him all the best, but we have racist in laws.
That's not that ain't the thing. I'm sorry to hear that.
You know that it meant you had to go your
separate ways. But I'm happy to hear that. On the
other side of that, you can say he's a good guy.
And you you out here single in Mangland, it sounds
like I'm out here single and mingling with I really

(27:30):
love hanging out with myself, Mr saying and I and I,
you know, I probably appreciate it more now than ever.
But I also in loving myself even more only makes
me believe in love that much more because you just
recognize sort of the power of it. And also, I
will say I recognize the value of emotional intelligence. And

(27:54):
that's something yes, girls like if that in a whole
episode in and of its self. Girl trying to have
a conversation with someone who lacks emotional intel, you might
as well be talking to a wall. You just, I mean,
just talking to the wall would be less frustrating than
talking about someone thinks they have the capacity to engage

(28:17):
in a conversation but doesn't, right, and most of them
do think that they do is the problem. And know
that someone who values personal growth, someone who is intellectually curious,
does not mean that they are emotionally intelligent. So just
because they're well traveled, or because they can say that
they have feelings for you or whatever they do. That

(28:37):
that in and of itself does not denote emotional intelligence,
especially now that we are I feel like our generation
is in this thing where we are recognizing that we
have two options. We can carry with us the trauma
from our parents and generations passed and let it go
on addressed, and then we we are holding on to
that and carrying it in relationships and pass it on

(28:57):
to our kids, or we can break that cycle and say, look,
I recognize the limitations from how I grew up, and
I'm doing better for myself, like emotionally, and I expect
that of my partner too. And you know, I think
it's really important to be aware of where you are
in that and then where the other person is also,
And that comes when you sit with yourself, when you

(29:19):
create the safe space in yourself, when you date yourself,
you can be more clear about those things. So then again,
when you meet someone, no matter how fine they are,
how successful they are, their love bombing you or you know,
buying you this and that, are doing this and that,
are saying all the right things, you can just be
more discerning because you're centered, because you have that emotional
intelligence and you can recognize that in the other person. Okay,

(29:43):
so we're single. You know, we're setting this hypothetical scene. Um,
and now we're deciding, you know what, I'm ready to
date the self love check. I've got my safe space check.
Let's go. It's time to hit these streets and see
what's out there. What do you hope we keep in mind?
What should we be keeping in mind as we go
out into years we get on these apps? How should
we approach the dating experience? The first thing that I

(30:06):
recommend to all my clients is to get out a
piece of paper and write down a list. And I know,
look lists, there are a lot of mixed messages surrounding lists. Uh,
if you have a list that has thirty five things
on it, that's that's throw it away, throw it away,
good luck, lighted on fire light save by that. But
if you're like, oh, I'm just open to anything, that's

(30:26):
not going to serve you either. Because there are so
many different types of people with different interests and things
and visions and values, and you could spend forever sort
of sampling them all. And that's really hard for people
who are easy to talk to, because you kind of
like talking to a bunch of different people. So then
you'll be like, well, you know, I get dates all
the time or whatever else it is, but you're not
really connecting on a deeper level. So you want to

(30:47):
get clear on what you're looking for, and i'd sell
you write down about five must haves for you and
then prioritize them. So like number one on my list
is emotional intelligence, followed by intellectual curiosity. And maybe for
you it's family values. Maybe it's for you it's someone
who's purpose driven. Maybe for you, you know, you can
throw in some of the superficial stuff like height or looks.

(31:08):
That's fine, but you only get five because even physical ones.
Yes only because I was going to ask you for
the ratio, Oh totally fine, yes girl, only time about total.
The rest are bonus. This is why even when Oprah
goes shopping, Okay, she doesn't buy one of everything in
the store. She can afford it, but she's not going

(31:28):
to target give gifts and give me one of everything.
She's taking the things she needs. And the reason why
I see that because no one has a hundred percent
and no successful relationship, no happy, loving, healthy relationship. Did
both partners have a because we're people and we change
and we grow. He may have great hair now and

(31:49):
not great hairenting years. You don't know that your boobs
maybe sitting up to your chin now and down to
your ankles and four years. Like, when you put too
much emphasis on those things, that's the quick is way
to stay single. So you want to prioritize what they are.
And if it is looks, that's fine, but it's five.
So if you put high and eye color and hair,
that's three right there, girls, And you can't make up

(32:12):
the other two with just good personality, good job, like
good personality, and you're gonna be mad when those counteracts
kick in if you only have five. It was one
of the one of three physical traits in the top
five exactly, so you can, you know, you can have.
It's okay to have what you attracted you. It's not
saying don't go out with someone that you're just absolutely
not attracted to, but in prioritizing because again, you attract

(32:37):
the like what you focus on mentally is what you
attract right in your life, like that sort of energy.
So when you are focusing on someone who is empathetic
or compassionate or good sense of humor or family values.
You will find it much more clearly because that's your
primary focus, not the dude that is super social and
charming or what whatever else. So that's the first step

(32:58):
is writing down your five have and then write down
three deal breakers. So even if he had all these
other qualities, if he has X, Y, and Z, it's
a no. And know why that that's a deal breaker
for you. Just understand and know why. The next thing
you want to do is make sure that you're creating opportunity.
That's what matchmakers do, right like that is my job

(33:19):
is creating opportunity for single people. And you can do
that yourself. So right now, especially in COVID, it's a
little bit different. Things look different, especially depending you know,
go to Florida and the world looks normal. They're turning
full speed, yeah, full speed. But you know, come to
New York it looks a lot less normal. So, um,
create opportunity and you can do that. Online social media

(33:41):
is great. It's actually great because most people are on it,
and no, not everyone's single, but you can ask, you
can find out more about their personality. If you think
someone's cute, to have a private profile, just send a
request who knows they might accept it, and if you
decide you don't like them, then unfollow them. That's out
a big deal, like no harm there, um send a
d d M S. There's a reason there are songs

(34:01):
about work I have. I'm becoming more fascinated with the
concept of d M sliding as time goes on, because
for the longest I was like, wait, what, No, this
is weird what And then I realized, relationships left and
right are starting in the d M s and they
are completely wonderful, beautiful, healthy relationships. Absolutely. I once went

(34:23):
out with this NFL player very short. While athotes aren't
fully my thing, but super cute super Fly started the
d MS. So like I saw him on Twitter, I
tweeted him, He tweeted me, me me followed each other. Started
the Wait, so you initiated the tweets? Yeah, initiated it,
initiated it, and then I made it look like he

(34:43):
was the one that started the co So so I
tweeted him, followed him, He followed me back, and then
I dammed him like how are you going to follow
me and not say hi? Now? Mind? I followed him first, Listen,
there you go. We bowed down at the court of
Devin Simone and this Twitter game. Okay, so this just
perfectly clears the path for that conversation you're saying, don't

(35:07):
knock the d m s, open up your mind, open up. Okay, Clubhouse,
if you're on Clubhouse, you get in there when some
most people on Clubhouse, I know you're on a Z,
but most people, you know, link their Twitter or Instagram. Right,
So when you're in one of those rooms and someone's talking,
I scroll through and see who's who either says something
that you find interesting or whose picture is cute. Their

(35:28):
pictures cute, Click on their profile, go to their Instagram
or their Twitter that's linked, and send him a d
M be like Hey I heard you on Clubhouse, or
hey I saw this, or just follow request them boom boom, honestly,
and that's kind of genius because it gives you the
conversation starters that oftentimes these apps don't give you. Hey,
what's U Hey, how's your day? Hey? I liked your phote,

(35:50):
but you're working with content. I liked what you said,
I liked what you thought about this. I've read that
caption and it resonated with me exactly exactly and just
standing out in the crowd, I'm telling And those are
all free methods, right, you know, pay for the apps.
You don't have to pay for whatever, like, and your
hit rate it will probably be the same as it
is on an aposi. So um, you know, definitely you

(36:11):
can be your own matchmaker by creating opportunity. Uh. In
that way, if you're going to create opportunity, they make
sure that your social presence matches what you're trying to attract.
So don't have some old asked photos from six years
ago that our grainy looked like they were taking with
the potato that you know, because now he or she
is coming to look at you because you d M
them or message them and they're like, nah, this person

(36:33):
looks like a serial killer. Don't literally, I was about
to say, automatically assume anyone with that type of photo
is a sociopath. And or there's too much technology out
of fingertips for us to be looking like my Space
Space circle what two's exact period exactly? I mean, iPhone
couldn't made it eating easier. Portrait mode just pours for
a timer, like press the button. You need a friend, Yeah,

(36:56):
you don't even need a friend exactly, prop that bad
boy up, get some good lighting and call it day.
So make sure that your pro your presence. And also
if you have a bunch of x's or just things
that you don't feel are representative of you, then get
rid of the you know, just clean it up. Make
sure it's you're calling card, so make sure that you're
doing that as well. Um, and then lastly, know that

(37:16):
it is a bit of a numbers game, trying not
to obsess over it, and then just have a positive attitude.
And the positive attitude circles back to that whole enjoying
being by yourself, Like set a time limit because they
can it can become addicting because you're getting a dopamine
hit every time you get attention from someone. You're very attractive,
you just are, So be careful or be mindful of
going down the rabbit hole where now you're spending all

(37:38):
of your free time on the apps, whether it be
a dating app or social media trying to find somebody. Like, yes,
you want to be consistent in it, but don't let
it consume because then eventually you don't know how to
There's like almost too many options and you just become
that desperation kicks in right because just like consuming it
too much, So, um, you can't have too much of

(38:00):
a good thing, even if it is compliments. So uh,
make sure you're even if it's like, okay, thirty minutes
a day or something like that, and then move on
to something else. For the dating apps specifically, what's the
key to those? Because I feel like that's the easiest
way to just get super depressed and be like, actually
I quit, I'm just going to join the nuttery because
what is the point? What's one thing to keep in mind,
one thing to do, and one thing to not do

(38:22):
When it comes to the apps. Yeah, the apps, man,
you know, Wow, that that tone said it all. Uh
And I used to. I mean I created a show
around finding love on apps, first five on TLC and
yet now you know a lot has changed. Um, the
apps can be great if you're going to do them,

(38:43):
pick one or two. Okay, don't over consume. We do
not need to be on all of them. Limit your
time on them so like thirty minutes or so, uh,
and transition off of them quickly. So if you match
with someone that you kind of like, you both should
be trained. Additioning to the phone or in person or
video given you know covid uh, but within a couple

(39:06):
of days. Otherwise you've got an AT buddy and nobody
nobody's looking. Nobody's looking for an APT buddy, So I
like that keep it moving. Like, if you're not transitioning
from app to outside communication quickly, you might as well
just call it what it is, because YE call it
an APT buddy, and then drop it. But the same
is true on the other end. If you feel like
someone's being too forceful, and an example, too forceful is

(39:27):
at the end of the conversation, if he or she
is like, oh, I would love to chat more, would
love to go out with you sometime. Here's my number.
That's not too forceful and forceful. That's okay. If someone's like, hey, ZERI,
what are you doing tonight? Mind you they match with
you ten minutes ago, like what are you doing tonight?
Or they match with you even an hour ago, and
you feel like WHOA like hi on that. Yeah, they

(39:49):
bring with everybody. They're not interested in making you feel comfortable.
Drop it, like even if you have no plans. That's
where that with yourself comes in. Drop it. I wouldn't
continue on that do you have a best day eating app?
And or worst when you recommend and when you're like
stay away from They change all of the time, like
literally all the time. So at this point, um no,

(40:10):
I don't Facebook Dating. I was really optimistic when it
came out. I really liked it. I was actually the
you know, resident expert for Facebook Dating. A lot of
people I think don't still know about it. It was
launched in other countries first, but I liked that they
had elements of safety. Included were like you could let
a friend know that you were going on a date
with someone you matched with, so it would it would

(40:30):
within the app, it would clue in one of your
Facebook friends if you wanted just your location. So that way,
if you went out to me that that person, you
could feel safe and there was some sort of connection
right of who, Like they would have acts limited access
to who it was you're going to go and a
date with, Um, you know, it was matching you based
on interest, which I liked. I just don't think it
had enough people on it yet and I'm not sure

(40:51):
where that stands today. Um, but they all can be good. Ish,
I would say, if there was one, I would really
steer clear of its tender unless you're abroad. In Europe,
Tinder is still okay. In the US, Tinder is the
outlet mall that has been here since nineteen that not
the Elderman's in there. Half are empty, Yeah exactly, seis

(41:17):
still struggling for life, like their one last open location
that would be a Tinder in the US. So I
would just be mindful of that. But I honestly think,
you know, apps are good, but I really think if
you can manage to utilize social media to your advantage,
that'll that'll give you an edge. All right, off to
the racist social media Good to know, Good to know. Um,

(41:38):
I want to patch in one of our girls from
the group chat Cleo, because she is single and mingling.
She has a dating profile, and I think it would
be really fun if you just kind of break it down,
tell her what she's doing right, what she's doing wrong,
she should do differently. Um, Producer Star is gonna patch her,
and she might already be in the waiting room, but
in just a second, really quickly before we let Cleo in,

(41:59):
she's in the way waiting room. Um. What do you
want people to keep in mind when they're making their profiles.
If they decide, Okay, I'm gonna give it a go,
I'm gonna tinder riah hinge, whatever, how do we make
our profile stand out? You want to make sure you
have great photos, which you've heard time time again. Natural
lighting is the best. Try not to take the photos indoors.
If you do, make sure you have some bomb ass

(42:20):
lighting or stand in front of a window. It looks better.
Have some diversity in your photos. All selfies not cool.
They want to see that you either have a friend,
or that you get out of the house, or that
you have more than a torso. So try to give
like a full and then sense of humor goes a
long way. Like. Sense of humor is one of those
things that really transcends different cultures and communities and even
um country. So if you can find a way to

(42:42):
be playful in your profile, that really will draw people
to you. Okay, got it. Let's go ahead and bring
Cleo in from the waiting room. Hi, Hi, right, darling,
can you guys hear me? Okay, we can, we can.
Cleo is coming in life from Toronto, Canada right now.

(43:03):
Um So, Cleob Devon Devin, Cleo High Cleo You're beautiful,
and I can feel that Canadian energy like I feel
like already you can't. I feel like you can feel
the positive Canadian and the positive Canadian. So Devin already
has kind of a snapshot of your Hinge profile, as
you know, but before she dives into what you're doing right,

(43:24):
which you could do maybe a little bit better, just
really quickly break it down for her your relationship status,
what the dating game has been like for you, and
how this whole dating app journey has got it. So
I am single and ready to mingle. Um. My dating
history has not been particularly exciting because I have moved
to three different cities in Canada. Um And so because

(43:45):
I lived in these cities and I had to kind
of like make new friends and everything, it was it
was tough. So I didn't do a lot of dating,
to be honest with you. So I don't feel like
I'm very good at it. Um And in terms of
online dating, I mean I've been on all the different
ones like Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, um, I finally got accepted

(44:06):
to Raya Riya um and yeah, and I've had I've
had a tough time, like I you know, I guess
kind of my difficulty with online dating is that you
miss the part where you get to know the person
like for that moment in real life and the excitement
that comes with it. And I think it's kind of
hard to package, um, like all that is me into

(44:30):
a text message and or you know. And I was
really ready at the top of this year. Um, I had,
you know, read a couple of books and I was like, Okay,
I'm open and I'm ready for this. And then it's
a pandemic. Um. So that really jocked my style because
it made it like scary to date and I had
gone on like a few walking dates and stuff like that.
But yeah, so that's I guess it's a quick and

(44:51):
dirty about my my dating history. It's not very exciting. Um.
And I think one of the things that ends up
happening is people are like, oh, as you're intimidated by you.
And I have a hard time with that because I
think I'm a nice person. But such is life. Yeah,
And I just want to piggyback on that because like,
as you can see right now, we're on video chat
for the listeners, um Cleo's gorgeous. The curls are popping.

(45:14):
She's glowy, she's so social and outgoing, she's smart. Um,
that typical, like you're intimidating thing that I feel like
all three of us have probably gotten that points in
our lives, um, which is more reflection on the people
who are quote unquote intimidated than us. Um. But that
does make it a little harder. And I love what
you said, Cleo about it's so hard to package your

(45:34):
personality into text messages where people are so burnt out
from this app back and forth anyway that they're not
assuming the best in you. They're assuming you're just like
the others or whatever it is. So, Devin, what would
you say to kind of Cleo spiel and then break
it down? You've got the hinge profile, right, You've got
rid profile. To let me, let me pull it back up. Okay.
So so the first thing that I would say, Um,

(45:58):
is no, that you don't have to pack get your
whole personality in a few text messages. That's part of
the mystery, that's part of what makes you great. If
you could pack it in a few text messages, I'd
a be shocked, and then I'd be like, Wow, you're
pretty one dimensional. So it's okay, I know that that
pressure isn't there. You just want to give snippets of it,
like the snippets of of you and who you are.

(46:19):
It doesn't have to be the whole thing. Um. And
you know, the intimidating thing is really dis annoying. It's
annoying when people say that it's annoying, But it's probably
God's gift in that it automatically weeds out people who
know that they have nothing to contribute, because my guests
would be you being such a kind woman, like I

(46:40):
literally can feel it in your spirit, and not just
because you're for in Toronto right now, but I feel
but that's part of it. But I feel like you
likely when you do care about someone, you really care
and you give so much, and so it could be
easy for someone to take advantage of that if if
they weren't intimidated, if they're like, oh, I can get
a lot from her, and she's great. So so while

(47:02):
it's annoying in a nuisance, it's actually a gift in
itself because it already cuts out anybody who wouldn't be
adding value to you long term. Get it, okay, I
love to perspective ship all right now, Let me pull
up your profile, okay, and all I can do is real,

(47:27):
That's all I just try to do. I'm not gonna
worry like I'm here. I'm here and ready okay. And
so the listeners won't can't actually see the profile. But
this is a Hinge profile just for everyone who knows um.
And I will say what I like about Hinges. They
include question prompts and so you don't have to think

(47:48):
of them on your own. You just have to think
of your answers, and there's a variety of different ones
so that the person looking at your profile can get
to know certain things about you. So I like that
about Hinge and I like that you, Cleo, have filled
out all of the what you know all of you.
I think you get like five different options and you've
done that in your profile. So that's great. Now I'm
gonna start with the things that I love. So your
first photo is this head shot. It looks like you

(48:09):
took it in front of a window. It's glowy, you
got the sun glistening on your skin, kind of a
smize going on entire banks to be proud. Your eyes
are sparkling. It's up close. To get a little bit
of cleavage, just a dip you have on like it
almost looks like a T shirt. I mean, it couldn't
be more a Lauren, you're killing it. It is an
a a across the board, across the It is beautiful

(48:30):
and it's great that that's your first photo because it's
it's sort of drawing someone in where they want to
get to see more or no more, Like they can't
really size up everything because you even have it. Mean,
it's a pretty tight shot on your face, so they
it just makes me say, okay, plum, I wonder what's
going on here? So absolutely this one. Okay, yes, yes, yes.
As a matter of fact, can I just say, if

(48:53):
you live in l A, there's no reason why you
should have a sucky da well because you guys have
the best light for photo. Dear round. We're paying for
it that that sunshine tax as while I'm gonna be looking,
how about I'm paying for in New York the street
super tax. I don't know, you don't like like that.
Maybe two months out of the year maybe, um, but
it's working. It's beautiful. Another photo that I love, love,

(49:16):
love you and this orange dress, y'all, if you could
see it, it is an orange body con dress looks
great on her skin. She has her legs crossed over,
she has a beautiful backdrop. She's in front of some
hills and valleys and like a lake fire. She looks beautiful.
It's beautiful because it's alluring, ex sexy, but it's not
doing the most love it that with the headshot photo amazing.

(49:37):
The other photo. The other photos are good. It's like
there's one of you indoors in front of a couch.
It's good. If you have one outdoors, I would swap it.
Just again, out door photos, like outdoor lighting just always
works better. So it's not bad, but it's it's it's
not it's you know, it's probably like an eight level

(49:58):
compared to the like eight on a scale ten compared
to the like twelves of the other two photos that
I mentioned that are just freaking sunning and amazing. Now
let's talk a little bit about what you wrote in
the profile. So again, what I like about Hinges that
they give you these prompts. Some of their prompts are
a little bit more serious, like relationship focus, and some
of them are fun. You want to lean into the fun,

(50:22):
right because life's hard enough showed us that you ultimately
want someone you can have a good time with, and
they know that you're smart. You having photos of yourself
where you're showing a little but leaving a lot to
the imagination already lets them know that you're a woman
to be respected. So now in our questions we don't

(50:43):
have to try and highlight that as much Like my
love languages is one of the prompts that you chose,
and you put quality time and acting service. That's a
great conversation starter. It's a great something to talk about
on a date. If you are trying to get someone's attention,
it's not that great because where do you go from there?
It's like okay, cool, Like that's great, Like you know,
that's like saying, oh, I ate a sandwich today? Like cool.

(51:05):
You're likely not going to dig into a deep conversation
on the love languages off that, like first message, Devin,
what do you think about Like if that is the
prompt that you want, instead of taking it so literally
or seriously, be like my love language is and just
don't pick one of the five right like foot rubs
and shots of fireball like coller or whatever. And that's
that's very exactly and that is excellent Zury because then

(51:28):
you're still showing personality. That's how you show the snippets
of your personality, and it's still playful and fun. Absolutely,
my love language is who knows pizza and you know whatever,
whatever you can totally do that, that would be great.
Another one. So we talked about that feeling intimidated, and
I think this is something that strong women we do

(51:48):
a lot and we have to be mindful of it
to curb it. Never that we have to dim our
light or be small. It's never that, but because we
bring a lot to the table, and like, because we
have had to earn our place and whatever it is
that we're doing, whether it be our job or industry,
be taken seriously, to be seen as more than our

(52:09):
looks from family, to be taken sure, whatever it is,
you sort of had to earn it in a way
that men don't always have to do right, like they
just come out of the womb and or listening to
whatever else. Then sometimes we can air on the side
of being extra competitive, and while we think that it's playful,
if the guy or girl or whatever is already thinking wow,

(52:32):
like that she brings a lot to the table. It
can come across as competition and you're trying to build
a team. So what I mean by that is you
answer the prompt I bet you can't, and I think
it was your way of trying to be playful, which
is great in theory. But then you go make better
jerk chicken wings than me, which, by the way, I
would love to try if you're ever in New York,

(52:52):
because she makes really good JA can attest to this
in Canada. I would appreciate it so much, thank you. Um.
And then you put in fact, I'd be surprised if
you can cook better than me, so you want up.
Now here's the thing. Yes, dudes love a challenge if
people love a challenge, But when you come out of
the coming out of the gate kind of saying I

(53:14):
already know I do things better than you, it doesn't
necessarily like, yeah, I think about if you were starting
a friendship, right, even just a friendship with a girl
or a guy. So I pretend this was a hange
profile to make a friend, right, like, aside from the
cute photos and whatever, although people like cute friends, so
you know. Um, But then when you're doing prompts with

(53:36):
your friends, you usually have fun, so you're gonna want
to post something that shows that you're fun or what
you kind of like. But you're not going to start
off with a friend, even if it's girl. You're not
gonna start off being like, oh, you're outfit's cute. I
bet you can't dress better than well, when when do
you say? When do you say it like that? Denn?
It's like, Okay, I get it now, I get where
you're going be like, so, so find another playful one, right? Um?

(54:02):
About you know when when I had a dating profile
on Inge, I actually one of the problems I did
answer was what I want to be when I grow up?
And I said something about I wanted to be the
black rind Seacrest with boobs, and now I'm like the
black rind Seacrest who's a matchmaker or something like goofy.
But it's like, so it shows a little of my personality,
but it also shows I don't take myself too seriously,

(54:24):
right And it's also an answer I guarantee they didn't
see on anybody else's profile, right um. And so being
playful like that and if you're not on Hinge on
any other dating happen for the listeners. Again, you want
to take the time, whether it's bumble or whatever else,
to answer a couple little questions about yourself. Something is
better than nothing, keep it short and sweet, and make
it playful. Playful is always good. But otherwise your profile

(54:47):
looks really really great. All right, So Cleo, you've got
a good starter kit to finesse to to remix the
app this year. Good about it. She's got her nose. Okay, Cleo,
thank you so much. We're gonna keep talking for just
it's so good to meet you, Devine. I'll see you soon, girl. Yeah,

(55:08):
I'll talk to you soon. Right, Okay, So Devin, that
was amazing, Thank you so much. Before before I let
you go, just really quickly. In conclusion, Uh, this is
a perfect time to bring up ghosting because it is
a thing, that is the thing for sure. So how
do we let go of people? Maybe we go on

(55:29):
a day, maybe a few and it's just like they're
not the person. How do we let them down gently
if we don't want a ghost? And then also how
do we handle the rejection, the emotional damn of I
just got ghosted? Yeah, so you know, look, my approach.
Not everyone will agree with but I agree with it.
So I uh, if you've if you've gone on say

(55:52):
just like one date, one or two dates and the person,
you know, you go home you're not feeling it after
the first date or after the second date, and you
go home and the person isn't messaging you to follow up,
then you don't have to follow up. It's okay. You
can just stop communicating, like it is all right. That
means their feelings aren't hurt that much either, like if
you don't need to then come back even though they

(56:12):
didn't message you being like, well you were great, but
like it's all right, you don't need to do that,
especially after one or two dates, because it's like that's secutive.
Literally you're starting on. If you if it's further down
than that, if you've done like four or five dates,
or maybe you were speaking every day and then you know,
finally did an in person date or something like that,
then you do want to be more mindful and you

(56:33):
can just say, you know, I think you're really good.
I wondered if I have a message I sent a
guy recently, tell us how you let him go? If
I said, how how you took him off the hook?
Sent him back to see and was like, you know
he wanted to meet up. No, I can't find it.
I can only find part of our conversation. But I
will say so this one one guy UM had at
like he asked out on the face time date, like, oh,

(56:54):
we should meet in person, and then he followed up
with the text being like, oh, like it was great
talking to you, would love to meet you in person,
blah blah blah, And I just politely was like, it
was really great chatting with you, like I wish you
all the best with your new dog, like I hope
you have a great holiday, and just left it, which
kind of was an obvious obvious. Wasn't rude, but it
wasn't obvious. This is where I see this, um. But

(57:17):
if you're if you're not interested, you could say, you know,
it was great getting to know you. I feel like
we're not on the same page, or I feel like
I would bore you. You can put it on yourself
if you want to and say like, oh, I feel
like I would bore you, or you have like a
you know a different sense of humor than I do,
or um, i feel like I'm not ready to date.
Don't say that though, if you're gonna be dating seven

(57:38):
other people, because then they find that out, that's like
always that's always a problem. Um. But yeah, just something
short and sweet and polite, which is just it was
great getting to you. I appreciate you, or I appreciate
the dinner. You know. Ultimately, I don't feel like the
chemistry was there, but it was really great getting to
know you and leave it at that. People understand chemistry
and if they're pushing it, block them because at that
point they're being disrespectful of your space and your decisions anyway.

(57:59):
So it's fine, And yes, girl rejected, it hurts. There's
not that much you can do about the pain. Just
know that it will go away. But to keep from
prolonging it, don't see closure. The closure is the fact
that they're not messaging you back. Let that be closed, um,
and delete communication. And as someone who likes to hold

(58:21):
on the communication, that's hard, meaning like I have text messages.
There's a meme that I love. It's like I hold
on the text from text messages from seventeen sixty three
in case somebody ever comes back and wants to what
was said on like blah blah blah, blah blah, I'm
that person, but delete the communication. So that way, even
if you get that impulse to message them or to

(58:41):
be like what happened, you can't if their numbers not
on your phone and you deleted the message off the app,
or if you really don't want to get rid of it,
maybe give it to a friend that you trust. Is
like an emergency, you know, like if open exact exactly exactly,
then you can give it to me. But just to

(59:02):
let it because then because your motions will come and go,
there will be moments that you're like, whatever, I don't
need that person, and then there will be moments where like, damn,
we had a good time or really right game, or
I wonder if I did something differently, And so in
those moments of weakness, you don't want to trigger reaching
out because they may respond, which you think is what
you want, but if they weren't interested in enough enough

(59:23):
to be consistent with you, then at this point they're
just gonna be playing games. So they may respond because
they like the attention, and now you're wondering why like
they message you sometimes don't, You're making it worse for yourself.
It's like sticking your finger in an open wound. Don't
do that. Don't do that. So yeah, the communication and
then remind yourself thinks you're a bad bit like like

(59:45):
by right. Like sometimes God steps in because we can't
because he knows we won't do the right thing. He
has to intercede on our behind. Sometimes he does. Sometimes
he's like, nah, he just pulls the person away and
let and let it go. Let that person go. Because
if you're doing you to the best of your ability

(01:00:06):
and like a good way, you're respectful, you take care
of yourself, you're working to be happy with yourself. Anyone
who isn't drawn to that in you is not for you.
You don't have to convince them. You don't have to
like try and make a why you should be great.
Blah blah blah. The one caveat I would say is
don't have sex on the first date. I know not
everybody agrees that. Don't. So you say, don't do it,

(01:00:27):
don't do it, don't do it. Don't. It's actually a
really good book that if your listeners want to read it.
It's it's called How Not to Day a Jerk, I believe,
and it's really great, Like it's not that's exciting. But
if you nerd out on this stuff like I do,
it's really great and insightful. And the author actually talks
about like this principle where um think of it as

(01:00:48):
like these levers, right, like five different levers and they
go in order, and you can't skip a lever. So
the level of trust in a person can only match
the level of how well you know the person, and
by know the person means getting to know them in
different circumstances. And the level of physical intimacy can only

(01:01:09):
match how much you trust the person, which matches how
reliable person is, which matches how well you know the person.
And so basically what happens is when you try and
skip one, so you don't you know them a little bit,
but the intimacy goes up because you went and have
sex already. Then that's where you're off balance and you
can run into trouble later because you skipped ahead. You

(01:01:30):
get what I'm saying, So like they are, Yeah, they
all need to be even to bounce them. So as
you get to know them more, then you can you
know rely on them more. Maybe even relying could just
mean if they say they're gonna call you now feel
better that they really will call when they said they're
gonna call, because they're reliable because you've gotten to know
them a little bit more, and then as you rely
on them more, you can trust them a little bit more. Okay,

(01:01:52):
this person is being consistent, so it seems like the
things they're telling me I can take at face value.
And that happens over time. It builds up over time.
Doesn't matter if you've had seven, you know, face time
chats that were five hours apiece. It's still you need
certain time and diversity of experience with that person, like
seeing them in person versus whatever else. But basically you
don't want to suit go over one of those and

(01:02:13):
having sex in the first day. I guarantee you you
do not know them well enough. They're not reliable enough
for the scales to be balanced. All right, Devin, I
love it. Thank you so much for all of these gyms.
If people want to keep up with you, if they
want your matchmaking services, where do they go? Yeah, if
you want to keep up with me and just be nosy,
you can find me on Instagram. That's Devin with the
y simone if an I on Insta, But you also

(01:02:35):
can go to my website that's Devin Simone dot com
and from there you can click a link to sign
up to be in our database with Three Day Rule matchmaking.
You can also go to three Day Rule dot com
UM and click on you heard about it from Devon UM,
and it'll send me a little notification as well. But yeah,
even if you have good date stories or want some tips,
feel free to d m me. I'll do my best
to answer and can certainly be your year if you

(01:02:58):
wanted to be. I love it. I love it, Devon,
thank you so much, so many jams dropped. I know
they're gonna love this, so thank you. I appreciate you.
Thank you Ze always so much fun, happy about a
being about a boon baby. I hope you loved that
conversation with Devon as much as I loved having it.
Special things again to her, and thank you Cleo for

(01:03:18):
volunteering as tribute. UM. Cannot wait to hear about all
of your matches and we will definitely be talking about
it in a future group chat episode. UM. Before we
wrap up, I want to give you guys this week's
party trick. It is a dating app hack from Devon
that will get you right when it comes to dropping
your location. Another hack that I would say for people

(01:03:40):
if you're going to use the dating apps is find
out the good neighborhoods in the area you want to date,
like the good nice neighborhoods, and set your location there
or whenever you're near those neighborhoods, open the apps so
that your profile shows up there. That's a big hack.
That's that's what I discovered. When I was rising set
my hinge in New York, I was in London. I

(01:04:03):
was first of all, I was up the street like
in l A talking about in London. I was not
only did I do in London? I googled knights Bridge, okay,
the zip code of knights Bridge, and like, like the
good area areas, the parameters you can't end up dating

(01:04:25):
in the hood that the PISA hover right right telling you.
I'm telling you you absolutely. When I was in New York,
I was doing it sort of as an experiment and
then you know, fell and caught feelings. But with my ex,
I was living in New York and I had said
it to Philadelphia just because I Each city actually has

(01:04:45):
a different like the way they approached dating is slightly different.
Um there's just like a different dynamics. So it's curious
what that looked like. So I said it to Philly,
but instead of just setting it to Philly, I was like,
I knew nothing about Philly. I was like, but what
are the good neighborhoods? Just so so Rittenhouse was one
of them. So I said it to Written House and
sure enough, my now X but lived in Written House.
And we lived in Written House and moved. Because you

(01:05:06):
have to be if you're gonna do what, you gotta
be strategic, right right, right back to writing down that
tight list and kind of knowing what you're looking for.
But it's a good hack. Oh that's the best tack,
all right. And as I mentioned in the beginning of
the episode, don't forget, it's not too late to enter
our giveaway. To win a one Amazon gift card, all
you have to do is leave a five star rating

(01:05:28):
and a written review with your one word and then
a few nice words about the podcast would be ideal
and um, yeah, that's it, So leave the review, drop
a line, and we'll be given away another gift card.
Later this week, we have a bonus episode coming. It
is a full group chat segment, so stick around. You
don't have to wait until next Monday. We're going to

(01:05:50):
talk about the dumbest single Year's issue we have ever done.
It is confession time. I'm a little nervous and just
talk about being single in general, the best of it,
the worst of it, of the bad, ugly, and yeah,
friendly reminder. If you want to dig into more of
that self love, check out episode three. Self Love is
Sexy a f has been one of the most popular

(01:06:11):
episodes so far, so much great feedback, so I hope
you enjoy it. We'll see you next Monday for a
normal episode, but stay tuned for a bonus episode. I'm
Zurie Hall. This is hot, happy mess, and I'll talk
to you soon. Thy