August 10, 2022 • 57 mins
From our first loves to our first heartbreaks... and the future firsts we can't wait for! Zuri is joined by her girls Travasha & Leah for a hilariously fun, unfiltered Group Chat. Plus, get caught up on the latest in the ladies' personal lives -- there's a LOT to cover (from Doja Cat vs. Noah Schnapp... to a super random convo on cults... and one of us becoming a pilot!). Grab a glass of something, and get ready to laugh.
Share this episode with a friend NOW + let us know your favorite part of the convo: @ZuriHall and @HotHappyMess
Don’t forget to hit hothappymess.com for all the show notes mentioned in this episode and for ALL the deets on joining our exclusive Facebook group!
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ICYMI: Episode 68: The Unapologetic Guide to Black Mental Health
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ICYMI: Episode 66: How to Find a Therapist- A Complete Guide
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ICYMI: Episode 53: The Secret to A Joyful Life... That You Can Begin Today! | Bonus Episode
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ICYMI: Episode 65: Here’s How to Use Astrology for Happiness, Love, Success, and Wellness
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Hot, happy mess celebrate your magic in the middle of
life's messes. Hi, Happy, I'm Zeria and this is hot
happy mate? Shoot, what is up? Y'all? Happy hot, happy
mess day. Normally I say Happy Wednesday, but people can
(00:30):
be listening on any day. Um, but whatever day you're listening,
it's going to be a fun one. I'm height because
I got my girl's back. It's time for another group
chat episode. These are your favorites, they're my favorites. We
are talking all of our first first kisses, first loves,
first orgasms, first heartbreaks, first, all the things. But first,
(00:51):
let me tell you who we have joining us today.
We have Leah and Travasha back in action. Hi lady,
Hello and your day. It is hot, happy mess day. Okay,
it's definitely hot. Have your mess day? Right? That was
like a Holidays back of course. I'm super excited. Yeah,
it's gonna be a fun one. It's been a while
(01:11):
since we did one of these, and they're always my
favorites because it's also selfishly this time for me to
catch up with my friends. So let's just do a
quick update. It's been a minute since we had a
group chat. Leah, what have you been up to what's
new in your life? We had a little rendezvous in
Santro Pay so casual. Yeah, you know, we just went
jet skiing in Santro pay That was unbelievable. Lots new
(01:34):
in my life. Definitely making a bunch of career moves.
I've been in a serious relationship for almost a year,
which has been amazing. That is a lot different from
whereas has been waiting for this group chat for so long,
you know it. Um So, Yeah, I'm definitely excited to
(01:54):
get into some of my first today for the ones
I could remember. Honestly, I'm like one of the things
you just spend and I'm like, I don't even know
why that happened, but I think it. Okay, good stuff,
good stuff, vosh. What is new in the world of tea? Well, um,
I am now venturing from you know, being a flight
attendant mom to being a pilot mom. I don't know
(02:18):
what I'm thinking, but having to get big. You love
to see it, yes, and now I want little girls
that you know, look like me, don't look like me.
All little girls to look and see me and be like,
you know what, I can do that too? Um So,
I am entering into a male dominated, you know, arena.
But I'm loving every minute of it, and I'm proud
(02:40):
of myself. So yeah, I was on a plane the
other day and I started laughing to myself, Okay, you
know the pilot comes down. I was like, yeah, so
we're going about fifty knots. We'll be there in about
five seconds. And I'm just like I imagining when it's
Travasha on the mic, like, hey, guys, welcome to my
right five. I know everybody, Yeah exactly, anything short of
(03:03):
like a song like informational p a, yeah, I can
I can't wait. The book by flight. Well, congrats, I'm
super proud of you. So that that will be amazing
to watch half happen. Um, the only thing happening, and
not the only thing. It's an exciting thing. Um. Right now,
my dad isn't down. He got here yesterday and he's
(03:26):
coming for ten days. And he's my best friend. So
we just hang out and low led cons him and
fanesses him into giving her all of his scraps and
sometimes his entire meal. So hap made a couple of
pounds already. Um, and that's really it, just hanging with
my dad and work per usual. I just got back
(03:47):
from vacation, which listeners might know about. I talked about
it in one of my old episodes. But we did France,
which is where I rendezvous with Leah, and then I
headed up to London to live my best solo traveler life.
And now I am just back to the grind and
that's it. I love that when your family comes to
(04:08):
visit you, they're like, and they're here for ten days.
I like my stay dropped in for three days? Right, well,
I will say, and this is a testament to how
well meet my dad get along. There are not many
people who could be in my house or my space
for ten days and me not want too like jump
(04:28):
out of the window. So like, he's kind of low maintenance.
He's chill, he does his own thing, we hang out.
There's no pressure. But most people, yeah, you feel the
pressure to host them or entertain them. I couldn't do it. Um, yeah,
I'm with you usually at three day max. But he
can stay in the house, is split up to where
I can be upstairs and like never interact with him
(04:50):
unless I wanted to. And then it's pretty baby stating
for low life. I'm being honest. So that's the eleven
in the room. Let's go ahead and dive right in.
We're gonna do some rapid fires just to get us
going a little game of most likely to or never
have I ever. It's supposed to be a drinking game,
but it is ten o'clock in the morning where I am,
So I'll sit my coffee, nothing and sparkling water. Okay, Bosh,
(05:16):
are you drinking? You said, well, I've already flown today,
so like there's no like bottle to throttle legal rule
or anything, And I don't mind. And I was like,
that was a movie with Denzel. Hold on, now, I
don't hit the bottle and then take that flight. Wasn't
he drunk right where he um exactly? That's the one
(05:38):
thing that everybody remembers. They don't remember the name of
the movie. But we also called White the plane upside down.
I think I think it's called flight. That would be
pretty I think it's called I think it's called Denzel
movie where he flew the plane upside down, steeling. I'm
stealing bottle to throttle, Like I'm not even entirely sure
what that means, but I want that phrase in my life.
(06:00):
You can have it yours girl. Oh my gosh. Okay, well, well,
well we go into pre production for Bottle to Throttle.
Let's go over to wrap a fire. First up? What
TV show are you currently obsessing over? Oh? I don't
have time to obsess over individual TV shows. So I'm
(06:21):
doing a lot of like true true crime documentaries because
you can like hit it and quit it. You watch
one hour of it and you're done. Alright. So I
just finished watching Um, what was it the girl in
the picture? I was just about to ask. I started it,
and I'm like, wait, is that his daughter? Are they
see really married? Is he married to his daughter? Like?
(06:42):
What is the catch is? Don't tell him? Like, things
just keep coming out and coming out and coming out.
It's crazy. It's just scary that we live in this world.
I watched Sweet Prey and Obey have you seen that?
When it's so interesting to watch the ev lution of
a cult quite frankly, like how it starts to kind
(07:02):
of chill and like we just want community to like
hold on, I'm going to marry all your daughters and
I'm eighty two. It's called keep sweet Pray And because
this religious leader, that's what he would always say, keep sweet,
Like basically it just listen like, Yeah, it's twisted and
(07:24):
fascinating and very but I recommended it's a good watch. Leah,
what are you binging right now? I am binging Stranger
Things and The Boys, So I've got like one to
two episodes left of both going back and forth. Okay,
I started Stranger Things years ago, but I don't really
like a lot of sci fi and scary. But it
is the most popular show ever in life. I have
(07:46):
been following the Doja Cat versus what's his face? Noah?
Is it Noah that she got into it with, Yes,
but I don't know what left about that. I literally
just saw meme like yesterday, and that's might the extent
of my knowledge on that top. Basically, Doja Cat slid
into Noah's d MS. Noah's like seventeen or something to
get him to hook her up with his co star
(08:08):
who's the one who plays the Eddie. Oh yeah, he's
a character, but he's older. Age is the point you're
trying to make, because Doja was like trying to get
with a grown man, and no one was like l
l O L just d M him like basically not like, oh,
I'll help you out or I'll pass your number alone.
(08:30):
And also it's like it's not like Doja Cat some
random like she's Doja Cat. It's like you would think
he would just be down to make the connection, but
he was like, oh, just like sliding his d m s.
But then he posted a screenshot of his conversation between
him and Doja Cat online. That's what Doja Cat said.
So then Doja with live on like her Instagram and
(08:52):
was like he's a weasel and he's just maybe it's
even this and that. So she was like going off ranting,
but then funny enough, like in the Who's the victor conversation,
everyone's like Noah one because after it all flew up,
Doja lost two hundred thousand followers and no One gained
a million followers because of this. So those stranger things
(09:15):
kids like you can't mess with those kids like dang,
that is too much drama for something right, and these
dm ain't save. It's like, God bless the woman or
man anybody who tries to slide in and get the
love connection. That's why I don't slide in people's d ms.
I don't don't in friends d ms. Just slide into
(09:38):
the d M that you would like to be in,
But what is that messier than you think? Like what
if you slide in the gris DM like shooting my
shot and he's like, oh my god, I can't believe
someone star shot their shot with me, and like, are
just super lame and posted online rude. Although my boyfriend
definite always played into my d M s and that
(09:58):
was over a year ago. So it was so my
boyfriend that what did he say when he when he
first lit in, Well, we had talked like we had
gotten to a friendly conversation about psychology and attachment theory
and podcasts. Actually like a month prior that wasn't flirty,
it was just kind of long and deep. Um. And
(10:20):
then a month later I posted like a sexy photo
from when I was on vacation and he, I don't remember,
I have a screenshot somewhere, but it was something about
like me having a cute but you remember seeing it,
like it was something around that, and I was like,
oh my god, the hot psychologists from Burning Man is
(10:43):
d M me it was love story. Well, I'm glad
the DM slide worked out for you, and I've heard
that it can happen I've just I've never been a
d M slider, and people don't really slide into my
d ms like they're sure there's no I mean, people
(11:03):
slide in them, but like, is it anyone that I
would have, like even a remote interest? People are sliding, Yeah, trying,
they're shooting their shot right right, Well, okay, we clearly
just have so much to catch up on and talk
(11:23):
too much because we had a whole rapid fire or
would you rather game? We have no time for that.
We got to get into the first good point. So
we're gonna dive right in today. We're you know, I
feel like we often romanticize our first like things in
adolescence or my first crush or my first kiss or
my first time, and like if I went back to
those moments, sometimes it's like it was actually kind of
(11:43):
whack or that was awkward or whatever. Um, So I'm
curious to know like your stories, um to just kind
of dive right in first. Uh. Nostalgia, Right, We're talking
about nostalgia around our first and it is defined as
we love to hit you with a definition or how
happy mess, a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past.
Typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.
(12:06):
When you guys, think about your first and sort of
the junior high, high school, maybe early college, but really,
like I'm talking like young young, young adult, Um, what
do you feel most about that time overall? Because it
feel like a good time to feel like, man, I
just want to go back, are you like, no, my
life is more late now than ever? Like y'all can
keep that. Yeah, no, I it's more nostalgia for me.
(12:30):
Like I looking back, it really enjoyed my time with
the guy that ended up being my first love, which
I had no idea that he was my first love
until after the fact. Yeah I know. So, Um, yeah,
it was a good time for me. But I wouldn't
trade anything because like I'm absolutely love in love with
my husband and my life and my family now. Um.
(12:52):
And I think if I hadn't dated my first love
that I didn't know, I would have passed up the
opportunity to be with my husband now I have appreciated
the things that I saw in my husband now if
it hadn't been for the other guy. Interesting way, So
was your first love also, maybe like which it tends
tends to be the case, was your first love also
(13:14):
like a first heartbreaking away that touches you lessons about
what you did or didn't want, Like, is that what
makes you appreciate your husband? Yeah, it wasn't necessarily the
lessons in the heartbreak. The heartbreak was what showed me
that that was actually my first love, because I never, like,
so on your way out that you realize, oh, love
(13:38):
this guy, Like yeah, because it wasn't supposed to do anything.
I was pulling leah, you know, just like being in
there doing my own thing, like no strings, no attachments,
like we're just gonna be here, right and then um,
and that was, you know, mostly because of the realm
I was in. I was a NFL cheerleader at the time,
and like, oh wait, I just realized who we're talking
(13:59):
about out Oh my god, I know, yes, I know,
but here so they're gonna be like no, because he
was also like more than ten years older than me,
But I don't know who this is. This is how
(14:21):
y'all know used to be out here. I'm like I
thought it was, but now you just dropped and identifying
business here. I love it for so okay, there we go.
But yeah, it was until after the fact and then,
So it wasn't necessarily like the heartbreak that taught me
(14:42):
the lessons, um. It was more so the going through
the heartbreak that showed me how much I really did
value this person um way more than I wanted to
or I thought I did. UM. But in looking back
all of the things that were taught to me and
shown to me and everything, it was more so, UM,
(15:04):
I found the things in my husband now um that
I appreciate it and that I wanted. And I think
if Tyler had come along before I had these experiences,
I wouldn't have seen the potential in Tyler for all
of the awesomeness that is in right right now. I
(15:25):
feel that, and I think in nostalgia is sort of
like one of the themes of this episode, so we'll
kind of be touching back on that as we continue
this convo. Um. But according to studies, they say nostalgia
is a unique blend uh combination, a combination of a
thought process wrapped up in emotions, which I think is
interesting because yeah, you can feel like happy or sad,
(15:45):
but when you're nostalgic, it's like this cognitive process of
remembering while also feeling the emotions attached to it, so
you're really sort of immersing yourself and those old feelings.
And they also say that recalling a love for the
past can actually help promote hope for the future and
sort of reassure you that life has meaning. I remember
that that felt good once. I remember what it felt
(16:05):
like to be in love or to be happy, which
can encourage or sort of help you moving forward having
faith that you can feel those things again. I know
it's certainly been the case for me when I'm like,
life sucks, what does it all mean? And then I
remember that I was, I was in love once. It
could have it again, so, you know, keep hope alive
or whatever. The optimists say. Uh, Leah, your first love,
(16:29):
do you remember it? Is it a fond remembrance? I
remember it crystal clearly. Um and just so messy, so
many ups and downs. Um. Similar to Tree Vasha, where
like I'm grateful for some things that happened and lessons
I learned a lot of which things I don't want
(16:52):
in a partner, things I learned to UM. You know,
try to figure out very early on in relationships. You know,
if they're they're not known as the red flag. UM.
But it was. It was really it was an intense situation.
It started very young. I was I was fourteen when
I first met him. Uh, we dated for a little while.
(17:14):
He was also a little bit older than me, and
we we broke up for a while and got back
together when I was nineteen, And I mean it was
a very I do not look back on that family.
I really really don't like. I really it's interesting because
I thought that was my person. You know, when we're younger,
we really think like, oh, this is it, this is
the one. Which is the only time I ever had
(17:34):
that thought before my boyfriend now, but it was, I
mean it he turned out to not be who I
thought he was, and uh ended in police getting called
and just really some some really nasty the things that
I needed to take the next few years to uh
(17:54):
come back from being said. So that one once we
got back together, that was a little over a year
or so. It's like met at fourteen, got back together
at nineteen, was over before I just before I turned
twenty one. So yeah, like a year and a half,
almost two years actually, And um, but that being said, like, man,
(18:15):
I learned so much from that, you know what I mean,
And I I was able to really really figure out
who I was after the fact from that experience, and
I love who I am, so yeah, good lessons learned.
Lessons learned. My first love was different. It was interesting,
(18:35):
like I've had first crushes that were like infatuation to
the point of like heartbreak, but it was all in
my mind because I was only ever pressed individually, like
I'd never even I did not date in high school,
like I wasn't allowed to date, so it wasn't until
college that I really started dating. But my first love
was interesting in that it was super like sweet and
(18:57):
pure and amicable. End it lasted for like years, but
it was interesting because I always felt in it. I
will say I he was just a really good guy.
He was a really good guy, and it was sweet
and I don't know that I ever felt like in
(19:18):
love and love like in those sort of like infatuated
the world is spinning, like oh my god, like the
colors are brighter and this isn't that's um with this?
And I say that because I felt that since then,
like so I know that that can be felt um.
But it was just like a really sweet and pure relationship.
He was a total sweetheart, Like I think I grew
(19:39):
to love him over time because I always knew earlier
he was a really good guy. But I think my
biggest lesson from that experience, from that first quote unquote
love is one realizing there are different types of love, right,
and I've become obsessed with the psychology of love and
the different categories. Um I've always been intrigued by the idea,
but it's like, Okay, you get romantic love, that infatuation
(20:03):
period that's sort of intoxicated drug feeling, and then you
have companion it love where which is what I think.
We always existed in that state of just like comfortable, sweet,
secure companionship, Like we're not really rocking the boat. It's
not going to get too crazy, it's not going to
be too passionate for good or for bad. But we're
somewhere in the middle and enjoying each other's company and
like loving each other. So looking back, it was really secure,
(20:26):
healthy relationship. It just wasn't one that I wanted to
be in after a while. And that was my biggest
lesson from my first love or first relationship is someone
can be a really good person and you can love
them so much and still that doesn't make them the
one for you necessarily that you can still walk away
from a thing, even if it's a generally good thing.
(20:48):
I spent a lot of time confused because I didn't
date in high school, and I was figuring out a
lot of this on my own, trying to understand, like, wait,
he's not like if I'm not being abused, if I'm
not being talked too crazy, if the guy is sweet
and kind and doing all these things like everyone else
is saying, this is the dream type of guy, So
I should just stay here, right, I should just keep
(21:10):
doing this. It's my first love, Like we just want
to get married and have babies now, right, But like,
deep down something I mean was like, no, that's not
how it work. That's not it has to work. And
I'm glad I listened to that because it was a
weird feeling to walk away from it when nothing was wrong.
But now on the other side of that, and obviously
having had relationships and love since then, I'm like, oh,
(21:31):
this is what my gut was sort of saving me for.
There was there was so much more to feel out there,
and he deserves to have someone who feels out way
about him and vice versa and he's found that I'm
super happy for him. Um So for me, first love
was really just about realizing there are different types of
it and it doesn't have to be toxic or your husband, Like,
(21:52):
there's a whole spectrum. I love it when we do
these group chats and all of us have like completely
opposite experiences. It just makes it so much more real
to your point, sorry, like that there is such a
wide spectrum for sure. These days, like we're all doing
it for ourselves. Women don't need men um to contractually
enter into these financial agreements for stability for you know,
(22:15):
a breadwinner because he's going to go out and make
more money than she ever could in the workforce. And
we also have more options. It's like if you met
a good guy in the middle of wherever you were
in the fifties, sixties, seventies, Like you've got the twenty
mile radius around your home for the most part, or
you know, whatever random trip you take, but there were
no apps, there's no internet, there's you lose a high
(22:38):
school best friend if they leave town and spend ten
years trying to track them down through word of mouth.
Like you meet a good guy, you lock him down
asap because you don't know the next time coming around.
But now Instagram, I feel like social media and dating
oppos today, they're like they've created more of an illusion
(22:58):
of the fact that there's so much there. Like it's
not that there isn't but the fact that you can
just swipe like that or d M like that or
whatever it is. It's like, I mean, I know that
there's more people out there, but not as many quality
people are not necessarily quality, but the people that are
right for you, right right, absolutely, Yeah, good point on
(23:21):
the illusion because for all the people who are out
there and we're seeing constantly, I feel like more than ever,
people are talking about how disconnected they feel, how missing
um companionship or relationships they are, and it's like, well,
there's this plethora, but that's the issue, and there's so
many people around that nobody wants to commit because they
all feel like the next best thing is just a
(23:43):
tweet away, a like away, a d M slide away,
a match away on an app, and then you look
up two years of past and you're still single. Yep,
there's that anyways. Okay, Okay, this will be firm, Okay,
so let's let's go back to the boys love before.
We're going to take it back to junior high in
high school, and I'm only going to be able to
(24:04):
talk about the people I crushed on like a creeper
from Afar because I wasn't allowed to date. And you
guys can tell me about what it was like to
actually date that teenager. I had a couple of moments,
like like literally two conversations, but that's it. Oh my god. Okay,
So take me back to your first date. Ever? How
old were you? It might have been maybe for you, Leah,
(24:26):
your first love, but maybe it wasn't. Who who was
it with? Protect the names? Where'd you go? Like? What
what was the vibe? How old were you? I don't
remember really my first date. And oh I remember, I
can remember that. I can remember my first kiss, my
(24:52):
first kiss. Yeah, oh remembers I was you were fat it.
I wouldn't even call it a kiss. It's so embarrassing. Okay,
are you ready for me to tell you this? Now
we're doing? Okay? Well, I was a new girl in
town at this church. Everyone hated me already. Also not
(25:14):
at oh my god, it's always a church, I know,
I know. Um So anyway, um, there was this guy
that everyone liked, and obviously I liked him too, because
he was like everything back then and he's not great now.
But anyway, yeah, anyway, so um, we were like talking
(25:37):
or whatever, and we decided we were going to plan
out this kiss. I had never kissed anybody. I'm sure
he had done a lot more than kiss anyone, you know,
But we planned this out and we're like, okay, after church,
behind church, we're going to have this kiss. And so um,
after church, we went out behind the church and all
(26:00):
the kids came to like watch, because this was like
the event that was happening. This was the event I
was kissing, so everybody, and this is my first kiss, y'all.
And so I'm standing there and then he like stood there.
He was looking all like good, and he had braces
and these big lips, and I was like, okay, this
(26:21):
is how it goes, Like you gotta do it like
in the movies. And so I lurched forward like the movies,
like like think like little Mermaid thrusting herself out of water,
like into this guy's face, and I like hit his
lip like hard with my team into his braces and
(26:44):
his lips. Oh oh, wait there was blood. His lips
started bleeding. You gave these people? Yes, yeah that was
pretty horrible. But yeah, Bade, that's really it's so bad.
(27:06):
Like I thought you were supposed to like thrust forward
and be passionate movie. But the movie set us up
for failure. They also they always do with all the movies,
like teen movies, Disney movies, all of us, all of
them failure. Yeah, right is absolute hole. My first kiss
(27:27):
was like, I'm like so much older, seventeen about to
be eight girl in a few months. My gosh, you're
such a good girl. I mean I was, but I
wasn't really trying trying to be. I think I was
just Joe Hall wasn't having it so like I couldn't
sneak out, I couldn't Like he was just everywhere, even
though he was always working. I'm like, how is he
always here at the times when I could be trying
(27:49):
to like sneak out or like get away and do something,
and then for all the other stuff, he's just at work.
But it was senior year and we were about to
go to prom in a couple of months, and my
um best friend, my high school best friend was dating sophomore.
(28:12):
Maybe this is why I like I've been coogering it up.
Maybe this is what this is. I didn't even realize. Um.
And so she was dating a sophomore and they were
like in a relationship, but I was single. I wasn't
really dating. I had crushes or whatever, but that was it.
And so she was like, oh my gosh, you should
totally go out with my boyfriend's best friend. It'll be
(28:34):
so great. We'll like go to prom together and did
da And I was like, whatever, it's my senior year.
I'm just like I need a date to prom, Like
I can't go through four years of high school without
like a date period, let alone like to one of
the dances. And I was never really particularly pressed or interested.
(28:54):
But then I was like, you know what we're doing this?
So he was interested. So we like did the soup
for um corny like four way call. She was like, okay,
I'm gonna patch him in and I was like, okay,
I'm like this is what everyone else was doing at
twelve or thirteen. And so we're like this like three
(29:15):
way or four way call. I'm like, oh yeah, I no,
like I think I don't even remember the phone call
just cringe. But anyways, he asked me out to prom
and I was like, sure, so maybe a couple of
weeks before prom, they had this house party at one
of the kids homes, and so I went to the
house party and this is the first time. Also we
wanna talk about first that I had drank, like I
(29:35):
didn't drink in high school, and I only had a
couple of beers. But I was so excited. Slash stressed
because I was like, oh my god, like I'm about
to have a bud light, like she just might get crazy,
and so I'm like snipping my bud light, trying to
play it cool, but I'm like super hype. Slash also
(29:55):
really like nervous about what the heck is gonna happen,
and so we both know in the back her minds
like he's gonna kiss me. It's happening. And so we
end up sitting on the couch and everyone else is like,
all the kids are going off into their various corners,
probably like make out and do god knows what, and
I'm just here away from my first kiss at almost eighteen.
(30:16):
And then he like leans in and I'm like, oh god,
it's happening. And then he goes for my hair and
I was like, wait, don't touch me, wait here, and
and so we're going for a kiss. It was a kiss.
It was it was wet, It was very wet. Um,
(30:39):
it was super sweet. So I don't want to I
don't want to shoot on the kiss, but it was.
It was a lot of tongue, a lot of a
lot of time in action. Um. But that was my
first kiss. And then a couple of weeks later we
had a really lovely time at prom. We had a
great time that night. He was a super sweet guy. Um.
So yeah, that was me losing my kiss virginity when
(31:00):
most people who are losing their actual virginity, virginity is
not something to lose. That implies that it is something
we are giving away, and we are not giving away
ship our feminist queen, thank you. Try to check you all.
(31:21):
What should keep us a lying right? What should I
be saying when I gave my virginity away when there's
no giving first case, when you had sex for the
first time, like, that's it. It was just the first time.
So we didn't act. So we don't talk about virginia.
(31:42):
We don't use the word Virginia. I mean you couldn't listen,
you could do whatever you want. You are. I just
want you to stay wonderful, beautiful, intelligent women. It's just
if you're if you're talking about like, it's more it's
more about giving something away or losing it, because it
implies that it is something that you yourself lost or
gave away, when in fact, you were just doing an
(32:04):
act and natural act that everybody or that most people
do for the first time. That's it. So when I
chose to cancel my virginity, M chose to cancel. Okay,
this is newl like a bad person. Get out of here, Virginity.
(32:24):
You are canceled, all right. I don't know, trying to
figure out something new to love it just let's just,
you know, just think about it, think about whatever works
for you. He's not gonna like the flowering either. Powering
commences there. So there is a book. It's called Come
(32:47):
As You Are, and it is really amazing. UM it's
you know, for it's it's specifically for women that were
assigned the gender of female at birth. UM. Mostly just
because that's what all the eight I collected in this
book is around. But it really goes deep into exploration
on a number of levels, um, around the female body
(33:10):
and and and preferences and all these different kinds of things.
And there's a whole chapter on this particular topic that
I really related to. So now I kind of take
that with me in my life and tried to share
it with especially the women and also the men in
my life because they should know that they did not
take anything either. You better keep the word leah, Um,
(33:37):
you know, I can't help myself. Yes, my first kiss
so so awkward. It was in middle school. I think
it was eighth grade. It must have been like the
beginning of eighth grade, and I was like feeling the
pressure of not having my first kiss yet. I don't
know if it's because I grew up in New York
(33:58):
City and like, I don't know, maybe it was just,
you know, we do things a little quicker there, um,
But for whatever reason, Like it wasn't just me, but
it was most of the people I knew in my grade. Like,
you become friends with a boy, and then you they
become your boyfriend, and then all of a sudden you
stopped talking. You're like nervous around each other. Something did
(34:19):
this just happen with me in middle school. In my school,
I don't know ever, so weird. And then I remember
like having like passing a note to have somebody passed
to him like meet me in the stairwell like after
third period. I don't know what period. It wasn't just
making that up, but maybe in the stairwell after third period,
(34:41):
and he met me there. Uh we'll use the name
j A to you know, keep his cover intact um.
And we met in the stairwell and I basically just
like I was so scared. I just like ran at
him and like through my face to his face essentially
(35:01):
also wet zuri and then like giggled and ran away,
and we probably you just ride again bolted, I mean
just ran. That was that. And then like afterwards, like
everybody was talking about it, and like we were like,
(35:22):
yeah it was good, Yeah it was good, but like
to our friends and like, I don't know, it was
so awkward. And again we probably never spoke again. And
oh my god, story the combination of mind and z Right,
She's like, oh I got you. Wow, okay, wow. So
(35:44):
your first kisses were pretty wild. Actually a lot of them,
a lot of um. I felt very like combustible, what
is flashing? Passionate? No, not even passionate, fascinated? Way was
not passionate? Like awkward? A lot of teeth, A lot
of teeth and god, Okay, well I'm glad we all
(36:07):
survived our first kisses. Um was his blood and not mine? Right?
Facts facts? Um, So we talked first loves, first kisses.
Maybe potentially for Ulia, sounds like this might be one
and the same. Uh maybe even for you. I don't know,
It's not for me because, like I said, my first
(36:29):
love was something different. Uh so my first heartbreak actually
was someone different. Um So I want to talk first heartbreaks,
Like how old were you when you experienced your first
heartbreak and how did you hurt them or vice versa?
How did they hurt you? Like what what was the
triggering point of the pain, and then how did you heal?
Like what was the biggest lesson that came out of
that heartbreak? Yeah? I mean my first heartbreak was that
(36:51):
same guy you know I was. I guess I must
have been still fourteen or fifteen. It was the first
time we broke up. Um. He and his ex girlfriend,
who was a good friend of mine, had been spending
a lot of time together and this is back you know,
your fourteen, so your's your first love. You're not really
jealous or I was in any way or suspecting of anything.
(37:13):
I was just like, Oh, that's so nice that they
were together and and now they're friends and they're hanging
out all the time. And he called me up, uh
and said, you know, there're you know, there's something going
on with us, right And I was so shocked. I
couldn't even believe he was telling me that and that.
UM And I was like, wait, are you breaking up
with me right now? Like some similar to a scene
(37:34):
from the movie Like, I was like, wait, is this
is that what's actually happening? And you know, he said yes,
And we talked for a few more minutes and we
got off the phone. And it was really the first
time I had felt that particular kind of pain that,
unfortunately I will have felt several more times over the years. UM.
And the odd thing is maybe it was because I
(37:55):
was so young, or maybe because I am someone who
is in fact able to, you know, over things rather
quickly unless there's something really really big. I I think
within a week I was I was okay, and and
and I was already back out there. Yeah, I mean
I was a teenager in New York City, you know
what I mean. It was it was like I was
(38:15):
hurt and I and I was sad, and I still
saw him often because now here he is dating my
friend again. And I think that part was the part
that was hard hardest for me, It was seeing the
two of them together. But I was able to heal
pretty quickly from that, and I started dating somebody else
another a few weeks later. It wasn't until my heart
was broken when I was like twenty, is that like
(38:37):
that was the that was the bigger one. But that
first one, I was okay, right, right, okay, good, bounce
that game strong two weeks and then that's like also
like I think high school and like teenage, like life
is moving at such a rapid page. So it's like
I get that, but I'm glad to hear that at
least that first go around, you were able to bounce
back quickly. Blash, what about you? Was your first heartbreak?
(38:59):
This was that first love or someone else? It was
something else? Do you guys are gonna laugh at me?
It was before and you're gonna laugh at me. But
you said your first one and this is the one
I remember. I was in first grade. Oh my god,
it was I know, I knew everything I had lived life.
I'm gonna put his name out there because he doesn't
(39:20):
know who the heck guy am. So Jamie, Okay, really
cute talking about you at this very moment on a
different podcast. Who I have so um, I can make
this quick. I mean we were like, you know, we
decided we were going to beat boyfriend and girlfriend. He
brought like I'm not making this up. He bought a
(39:41):
ring out a little vending machine and he gave it
to me and I wore it on my little finger.
We had we legit. We had a little wedding like
with our friends, and we got married and so like
he he was like my guy for about like four
days and then I think I missed school or something
and I came back and he was already onto somebody
(40:04):
knew and he asked me for the ring back, and
I was taking the ring back. I know, I need
to cheap that we could cheap six year old like
come on, first grade? Yes right, no, I believe in grade.
Me and the pastors that we're playing in our wedding
in first grade. And then I came to my senses
(40:26):
and I was like, I'm just not old enough, Like
I'm not ready for this type of commitment. We were
gonna have a backyard wedding like for fake in like
one weekend, and then I called it off. I was
afraid you were smarter than you were ready to just
risk it all. Got My whole life, you know, came
(40:46):
to this point. So no, I remember throwing the ring
at him right before I got off the bus. Or
why was everything that happened to you a movie scene
the Braves? It just happened on the buck. It did
happen on the bus. Yes, And then we weren't dating anymore.
And then like maybe like a week or so after that,
(41:08):
he did the same thing to her and started dating
my cousin. And that's you know, this is just a
you know, a silly, little first grade thing, but that
is like real, that's like real life, right, Like that's
how men are. They're all, yeah, So I learned that
(41:28):
lesson really early. I know, that's like a little first grade,
a little funny story. It definitely applies that like causes
your attachment style and stuff like you're talking about in
therapy and they're like, when was the first time this
thing happened, and you're like, damn, it was first grade. Ye, well,
(41:49):
I'm glad that you were able to heal from that
heartbreak and it's so hard. I hope he gets what's
coming to him. Just kidding, Jamie. If you're out there,
shout out to Jamie. My first heartbreak also like super
old compared to everyone else. But funny enough, it was
in college, wasn't It was before I got into my
(42:12):
committed relationship. So when I first, you know, freshman year,
you're out and about your dating. You're mixing and mingling,
and I was like a kid in the candy store
because this is the first time I was ever able
to date. And now there's sixty thou people on campus
at my university, UM, and we were talking quote unquote,
which is like my favorite like funck boy, funck girl
(42:32):
like phrase to label something when it really has no
rules or stipulations and you're probably just gonna end up
hurting each other. So we're like talking and we're dating
like casually, but I'm falling super hard and super fast
because I've never dated before. And he was the person
who like found me reached out to me, like initiated
(42:53):
this whole thing, right, And he was attractive and he
was like cool to me, right because I'm just coming
from a tiny little school where I've been with the
same like forty people for six years, um, and it
was a country day school, no less, so like this
is just like a big, cool, sexy world that I
mean now. And so we were like hanging out and
I caught feelings so quickly and like felt so hard.
(43:16):
And it's funny because looking back, that was my true
like I guess you would say puppy love. Now, Like
in hindsight, I'm like, like what were you even? Like
how much was there to even go on for it
to be like a thing thing? But I everything for
me was delayed. So like my first I'm in love
was a freshman in college, not in junior high or
(43:37):
high school. Thinking that so I learned those lessons later, um.
But we were always super compatible, had a lot of chemistry,
and I think I was just too young and innocent
and naive, which is one of the reasons that like
I kind of do wish in all seriousness that I've
been able to or have the opportunity to date in
high school because I would have learned some of those
lessons sooner, and I would have been able to navigate
(43:58):
college with more intention in I probably wouldn't have gotten
into a relationship that lasted four or five years throughout,
like I would have been out in these college streets,
like basically because I kind of got snatched up. Because anyways,
so at one point we're like vibing, We're super into it.
And then his high school girlfriend came to town, and
(44:22):
I remember this is when I realized, like I need
to I need to read a book or something, because
I don't think I'm doing this day anything. Right. He goes, Hey,
my ex is coming to town, but she's just a friend,
and my entire friend group is coming out, and you know,
like you trust me, right, And I was like, yeah,
I do, and like I did, but like I shouldn't have.
(44:45):
So I'm like it's fine, and so they all come out,
and I was stressed like that whole weekend, just laid
up in my twin sized door in bed, like what
are they doing? Where are where is everybody? But also
he said they're just friends, so like that's probably the case, right,
And then Monday or Tuesday rolls around his homies from
his hometown leave, including the X, and we're back to
(45:09):
hang out and going on our little dates or whatever,
and I like could not shape wanting to know like
what happened or didn't happen, And so honestly, now that
I think about this this we're friends to this day.
That's why I'm like, I shouldn't like you have some
then I think about it, and so I um, I
(45:30):
was like, hey, so what you know, like what happened?
Like did anything happen this weekend? Trying to play it
cool like I'm eighteen like so cash like like whatever,
I've like done stuff and been stuff, like I can
totally handle this conversation. And he's like, which is the
most boy answer of all time? But I do? He goes, yeah,
you know, Um well, I'm all I've always want to
(45:51):
keep it real with you and be honest, like, whatever
you think happened happened. I remember what answer, dude. And
we were he was childers like we were talking eighteen
years old at night to still whatever you think happened happened.
I'm like, do you know how quickly my mind spirals
I'm thinking it all swinging from poles and feeling. So
(46:14):
you don't know that I need to know specifically what happened,
but obviously they hooked up um, and I was gutted, gutted, gutted, gutted,
And then in the days that followed, like we sort
of like unraveled whatever it was because we weren't ever
even in a committed relationship, so it's not like he
couldn't do anyone to do UM, but I was all
in emotionally because it was the first time that I
(46:35):
like felt anything for someone like that. And I remember
that heartbreak like being so bad. I sat in my
dorm room and would just cry myself to sleep at night,
and I would like I wanted to twist the knife.
It was like teenage angst but at well, I guess
I'm still a teenager eighteen, and I would just play
like Day twenty six all night, what's the one song
(46:56):
since you've been gone? The thing you of? The song
highly recommended, And I was just like wanting to wallow
in the despair, in the grief, like just a glutton
for punishment, low key massachist um. And it took me
like a grit, like probably two months of like before
(47:22):
I even wanted to date again. And the only thing
that really pulled me out of it was like another
guy kind of really, that's what I'm saying, Like, yest
way to get over someone it was to get under
someone I wasn't. Yeah, but that heartbreak taught me that
(47:50):
life goes on, that you can heal because in the moment,
it really felt like the world was ending, like the
like I would never love again, I would never feel again,
like I would never feel a pain this deep. And
it's like that. That's why my heart goes out to
young kids, especially when they're going through these heart baked breaks.
You think about mental health and wellness and when you're
not equipped with the tools, because who is as a
(48:11):
teenager and junior high These kids are dating at ten
eleven years old now and whether they're being bullied, whether
a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever is saying mean things,
and we see these tragedies play out and not for
it to take a super dark turn. But it's because
these emotions are so overwhelming when you feel them for
the first time, and if you're really young, when you
feel this stuff for the first time and you don't
(48:33):
feel like you have um a parent or a guardian
that you can go to to safely talk about it
without feeling judged or being punished. Sometimes the consequences are dire.
I did not know how I was going to survive
that that heartbreak, like in those moments it I viscerally
felt it physically, like in my body and my heart
for weeks and weeks, and then I bounced back and
(48:55):
I was out there and now the types of another episode. Um,
but I learned that life goes on. I learned that,
you know, to quote Glenn and Doyle, we can do
hard things that we survive and obviously much more painful
things in my life that had nothing to do with
romantic relationships. You know, you lose family members, loved ones, friendships,
(49:19):
and life goes on. So that was my first major
lesson and the resilience of the heart. So to wrap
things up, oh God, we need to do a rapid
fire because we're running out of time. But I have
so many of our questions and I'm asking guys, okay,
since we were talking about heartbreak songs and y'all were
(49:40):
trying to throw shade in my day twenty six moment,
what's your go to heartbreak song? Anything? By Adele. Also
like back in the day, it was no Scrubs by TLC.
That is not a heartbreak song, that is a bounce back. Okay,
Mine's Chris Sette Michelle there. She has a lot of them,
(50:00):
So just say, oh, I loved her back in the day.
That first album, the first album, Yeah, that was okay,
Yeah any Adele, Yeah it was day twenties. I don't
know what why Day twenty six are just around when
I was out here gutted about things. I guess, Um, Okay,
what is one question you wish you could ask one
(50:20):
of the first in your life what the hell is
wrong with you? I actually got to go back to
my first love and we had a conversation and it
was actually so eye opening. So I don't have any
questions that I need to go back and ask anyone
(50:41):
because I actually got to do that. Okay. I love that.
I love that. Um, do I want to ask a question? No,
I don't want to ask a question. Also, I tend
to stay friends with my exes, or find a way
to be friendly is a better phrase. I'm not like
kicking it with them all the time. So I feel
like we've talked out things. I just believe if I
loved you once and you loved me once, like, there's
no reason for the blood to stay as long as
(51:01):
the ending wasn't abusive or very toxic or you know,
something that scarred me for life. But it's like, we
shared so many memories. It's so bizarre to me that
people are like and now you're dead to me, like
or you're just someone a romantic relationship didn't work out with.
But I wish you well and if I see you
in the streets, I will speak. You know. I've never
I've never been the one who just um, okay um.
(51:24):
What was your your wedding song Travasha? And what would
you want your first dance or song to be? Leah
win slash if you decided to get married? Okay, so
our wedding song when we Gotta Be Rapid was then?
I think it's like I thought I knew then. It's
like Brad Paisley, I believe, Oh that was your first dance. Yeah,
(51:50):
that's our first dance. I've got to go listen to.
I don't know if I've heard of I'm not a
huge believer in like first dances, weddings. I don't know
that's just like question a question, Okay, okay, I would
(52:11):
I don't believe the first dance or that it's something
you lose. I like to think about You're so much
attention on you for the whole day. I'm kind of like, what,
like why take away from the party with all these
like first stances and first this. And I'm just not
a very traditional wedding person. But if I had to,
(52:32):
and if my partner was very much adamant, then I
would say sure thing by Miguel, because that's like kind
of like I love that less. Um, I don't know.
I feel like my future wedding song is contingent upon
like who I'm marrying, like not to make sure, Like
(52:53):
I think it's very much like specific to the relationship.
Like when I would envision my wedding with like my
college boyfriend, it would be a different song and I
would say right now, Um, but I've always said, like
I've always wanted to walk down the aisle too, I
can't help falling in love with you. But not the
Elvis version. There's a singer name. I think it's Ingrid
(53:14):
Michaelson or something like that. Isn't that whiskey one? Yeah?
Hers or there's someone I think Hayley Steinfeld randomly even
had a version that I really like. But I've just
always loved that song, so that could be hopefully my
first slash only walk down the Aisle song. Um, but
who knows, we'll see Okay, um, last thing. Okay, this
(53:40):
isn't a first, but in one sentence, if you could
give one piece of advice to your younger self or
current self, a friendly reminder when it comes to love,
what would it be? Once I would tell my younger
I would tell my younger self to prioritize yourself first
above everybody else. I your in your own heart. That's
(54:01):
so good, that's so good. I would tell myself to
listen to Leah. That's good. That's good. Time jump machine
that allows you and I mean, obviously, if you could
talk to your younger self, time travel exists so exactly, like, yeah,
(54:29):
that's a good one. Prioritizing self for sure, I'm sure.
Tell my younger self don't be afraid to walk away
from or let go of a good thing out of
fear that nothing better will materialize. I feel like I've
held on to so many things in my life, not
just love and relationship based, but sometimes in career, sometimes
(54:50):
just random stuff because I'm so afraid, like what if
it never gets better than this? What if I can't
get the things that I think I'm worthy of or
deserve or what? And the universe always provides, like that provides,
It always tends to happen. So I feel like we
would save a lot of time if we just stopped
holding clinging to dead things. Basically, I do have better
(55:13):
advice for myself now, don't let your past hurts dictate
your future and your present life, because I definitely did
a lot of that. It's a good one and not
just some relationships, but trauma as well. So happy, best
(55:34):
well ladies. This was a lot of fun. Thank you
for joining me on another episode of the group Chat.
Where can audiences find you if they'd like to stay
from time? I'm pretty much only on Instagram and my
Instagram handle is annoying, but it's at underscore underscore Leah
Elizabeth underscore underscore. But you can find me um through
(55:57):
the Hot Happy Mess Instagram yea and um on TikTok
and Instagram at Life of a Sassy stew Although I
don't have as much time as for to do stuff
because I am a student, pilot and a mom and
a flight atudent all that, all that, all that, um
And you can follow me at Zuri Hall or hit
(56:18):
us up at Hot Happy Mess and stay tuned for
more episodes every Wednesday about love, life, relationships, self care,
all of the things that there's a particular topic that
you want to hear. Just let us know. You can
slide in our d m s. You can email us
hello at Hot Happy Mess uh dot com, or you
can tweet us, but maybe don't tweet us so I
(56:39):
don't check Twitter very often. Um And if you like
to stout the tone and you can leave a five
star review, let us know any of your first first love's,
first heartbreaks, anything you took away from this podcast or
that stood out in the review. I love to see it.
I'd love to hear it, um and I will talk
to you next week. Travash Leiah, thank you so much,
love you both, and I'll talk to you next Wednesday.
Hot, happy mess celebrate your magic in the middle of
life's messes. Hi, Happy, I'm Zeria and this is hot
happy mate? Shoot, what is up? Y'all? Happy hot, happy
mess day. Normally I say Happy Wednesday, but people can
(00:30):
be listening on any day. Um, but whatever day you're listening,
it's going to be a fun one. I'm height because
I got my girl's back. It's time for another group
chat episode. These are your favorites, they're my favorites. We
are talking all of our first first kisses, first loves,
first orgasms, first heartbreaks, first, all the things. But first,
(00:51):
let me tell you who we have joining us today.
We have Leah and Travasha back in action. Hi lady,
Hello and your day. It is hot, happy mess day. Okay,
it's definitely hot. Have your mess day? Right? That was
like a Holidays back of course. I'm super excited. Yeah,
it's gonna be a fun one. It's been a while
(01:11):
since we did one of these, and they're always my
favorites because it's also selfishly this time for me to
catch up with my friends. So let's just do a
quick update. It's been a minute since we had a
group chat. Leah, what have you been up to what's
new in your life? We had a little rendezvous in
Santro Pay so casual. Yeah, you know, we just went
jet skiing in Santro pay That was unbelievable. Lots new
(01:34):
in my life. Definitely making a bunch of career moves.
I've been in a serious relationship for almost a year,
which has been amazing. That is a lot different from
whereas has been waiting for this group chat for so long,
you know it. Um So, Yeah, I'm definitely excited to
(01:54):
get into some of my first today for the ones
I could remember. Honestly, I'm like one of the things
you just spend and I'm like, I don't even know
why that happened, but I think it. Okay, good stuff,
good stuff, vosh. What is new in the world of tea? Well, um,
I am now venturing from you know, being a flight
attendant mom to being a pilot mom. I don't know
(02:18):
what I'm thinking, but having to get big. You love
to see it, yes, and now I want little girls
that you know, look like me, don't look like me.
All little girls to look and see me and be like,
you know what, I can do that too? Um So,
I am entering into a male dominated, you know, arena.
But I'm loving every minute of it, and I'm proud
(02:40):
of myself. So yeah, I was on a plane the
other day and I started laughing to myself, Okay, you
know the pilot comes down. I was like, yeah, so
we're going about fifty knots. We'll be there in about
five seconds. And I'm just like I imagining when it's
Travasha on the mic, like, hey, guys, welcome to my
right five. I know everybody, Yeah exactly, anything short of
(03:03):
like a song like informational p a, yeah, I can
I can't wait. The book by flight. Well, congrats, I'm
super proud of you. So that that will be amazing
to watch half happen. Um, the only thing happening, and
not the only thing. It's an exciting thing. Um. Right now,
my dad isn't down. He got here yesterday and he's
(03:26):
coming for ten days. And he's my best friend. So
we just hang out and low led cons him and
fanesses him into giving her all of his scraps and
sometimes his entire meal. So hap made a couple of
pounds already. Um, and that's really it, just hanging with
my dad and work per usual. I just got back
(03:47):
from vacation, which listeners might know about. I talked about
it in one of my old episodes. But we did France,
which is where I rendezvous with Leah, and then I
headed up to London to live my best solo traveler life.
And now I am just back to the grind and
that's it. I love that when your family comes to
(04:08):
visit you, they're like, and they're here for ten days.
I like my stay dropped in for three days? Right, well,
I will say, and this is a testament to how
well meet my dad get along. There are not many
people who could be in my house or my space
for ten days and me not want too like jump
(04:28):
out of the window. So like, he's kind of low maintenance.
He's chill, he does his own thing, we hang out.
There's no pressure. But most people, yeah, you feel the
pressure to host them or entertain them. I couldn't do it. Um, yeah,
I'm with you usually at three day max. But he
can stay in the house, is split up to where
I can be upstairs and like never interact with him
(04:50):
unless I wanted to. And then it's pretty baby stating
for low life. I'm being honest. So that's the eleven
in the room. Let's go ahead and dive right in.
We're gonna do some rapid fires just to get us
going a little game of most likely to or never
have I ever. It's supposed to be a drinking game,
but it is ten o'clock in the morning where I am,
So I'll sit my coffee, nothing and sparkling water. Okay, Bosh,
(05:16):
are you drinking? You said, well, I've already flown today,
so like there's no like bottle to throttle legal rule
or anything, And I don't mind. And I was like,
that was a movie with Denzel. Hold on, now, I
don't hit the bottle and then take that flight. Wasn't
he drunk right where he um exactly? That's the one
(05:38):
thing that everybody remembers. They don't remember the name of
the movie. But we also called White the plane upside down.
I think I think it's called flight. That would be
pretty I think it's called I think it's called Denzel
movie where he flew the plane upside down, steeling. I'm
stealing bottle to throttle, Like I'm not even entirely sure
what that means, but I want that phrase in my life.
(06:00):
You can have it yours girl. Oh my gosh. Okay, well, well,
well we go into pre production for Bottle to Throttle.
Let's go over to wrap a fire. First up? What
TV show are you currently obsessing over? Oh? I don't
have time to obsess over individual TV shows. So I'm
(06:21):
doing a lot of like true true crime documentaries because
you can like hit it and quit it. You watch
one hour of it and you're done. Alright. So I
just finished watching Um, what was it the girl in
the picture? I was just about to ask. I started it,
and I'm like, wait, is that his daughter? Are they
see really married? Is he married to his daughter? Like?
(06:42):
What is the catch is? Don't tell him? Like, things
just keep coming out and coming out and coming out.
It's crazy. It's just scary that we live in this world.
I watched Sweet Prey and Obey have you seen that?
When it's so interesting to watch the ev lution of
a cult quite frankly, like how it starts to kind
(07:02):
of chill and like we just want community to like
hold on, I'm going to marry all your daughters and
I'm eighty two. It's called keep sweet Pray And because
this religious leader, that's what he would always say, keep sweet,
Like basically it just listen like, Yeah, it's twisted and
(07:24):
fascinating and very but I recommended it's a good watch. Leah,
what are you binging right now? I am binging Stranger
Things and The Boys, So I've got like one to
two episodes left of both going back and forth. Okay,
I started Stranger Things years ago, but I don't really
like a lot of sci fi and scary. But it
is the most popular show ever in life. I have
(07:46):
been following the Doja Cat versus what's his face? Noah?
Is it Noah that she got into it with, Yes,
but I don't know what left about that. I literally
just saw meme like yesterday, and that's might the extent
of my knowledge on that top. Basically, Doja Cat slid
into Noah's d MS. Noah's like seventeen or something to
get him to hook her up with his co star
(08:08):
who's the one who plays the Eddie. Oh yeah, he's
a character, but he's older. Age is the point you're
trying to make, because Doja was like trying to get
with a grown man, and no one was like l
l O L just d M him like basically not like, oh,
I'll help you out or I'll pass your number alone.
(08:30):
And also it's like it's not like Doja Cat some
random like she's Doja Cat. It's like you would think
he would just be down to make the connection, but
he was like, oh, just like sliding his d m s.
But then he posted a screenshot of his conversation between
him and Doja Cat online. That's what Doja Cat said.
So then Doja with live on like her Instagram and
(08:52):
was like he's a weasel and he's just maybe it's
even this and that. So she was like going off ranting,
but then funny enough, like in the Who's the victor conversation,
everyone's like Noah one because after it all flew up,
Doja lost two hundred thousand followers and no One gained
a million followers because of this. So those stranger things
(09:15):
kids like you can't mess with those kids like dang,
that is too much drama for something right, and these
dm ain't save. It's like, God bless the woman or
man anybody who tries to slide in and get the
love connection. That's why I don't slide in people's d ms.
I don't don't in friends d ms. Just slide into
(09:38):
the d M that you would like to be in,
But what is that messier than you think? Like what
if you slide in the gris DM like shooting my
shot and he's like, oh my god, I can't believe
someone star shot their shot with me, and like, are
just super lame and posted online rude. Although my boyfriend
definite always played into my d M s and that
(09:58):
was over a year ago. So it was so my
boyfriend that what did he say when he when he
first lit in, Well, we had talked like we had
gotten to a friendly conversation about psychology and attachment theory
and podcasts. Actually like a month prior that wasn't flirty,
it was just kind of long and deep. Um. And
(10:20):
then a month later I posted like a sexy photo
from when I was on vacation and he, I don't remember,
I have a screenshot somewhere, but it was something about
like me having a cute but you remember seeing it,
like it was something around that, and I was like,
oh my god, the hot psychologists from Burning Man is
(10:43):
d M me it was love story. Well, I'm glad
the DM slide worked out for you, and I've heard
that it can happen I've just I've never been a
d M slider, and people don't really slide into my
d ms like they're sure there's no I mean, people
(11:03):
slide in them, but like, is it anyone that I
would have, like even a remote interest? People are sliding, Yeah, trying,
they're shooting their shot right right, Well, okay, we clearly
just have so much to catch up on and talk
(11:23):
too much because we had a whole rapid fire or
would you rather game? We have no time for that.
We got to get into the first good point. So
we're gonna dive right in today. We're you know, I
feel like we often romanticize our first like things in
adolescence or my first crush or my first kiss or
my first time, and like if I went back to
those moments, sometimes it's like it was actually kind of
(11:43):
whack or that was awkward or whatever. Um, So I'm
curious to know like your stories, um to just kind
of dive right in first. Uh. Nostalgia, Right, We're talking
about nostalgia around our first and it is defined as
we love to hit you with a definition or how
happy mess, a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past.
Typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.
(12:06):
When you guys, think about your first and sort of
the junior high, high school, maybe early college, but really,
like I'm talking like young young, young adult, Um, what
do you feel most about that time overall? Because it
feel like a good time to feel like, man, I
just want to go back, are you like, no, my
life is more late now than ever? Like y'all can
keep that. Yeah, no, I it's more nostalgia for me.
(12:30):
Like I looking back, it really enjoyed my time with
the guy that ended up being my first love, which
I had no idea that he was my first love
until after the fact. Yeah I know. So, Um, yeah,
it was a good time for me. But I wouldn't
trade anything because like I'm absolutely love in love with
my husband and my life and my family now. Um.
(12:52):
And I think if I hadn't dated my first love
that I didn't know, I would have passed up the
opportunity to be with my husband now I have appreciated
the things that I saw in my husband now if
it hadn't been for the other guy. Interesting way, So
was your first love also, maybe like which it tends
tends to be the case, was your first love also
(13:14):
like a first heartbreaking away that touches you lessons about
what you did or didn't want, Like, is that what
makes you appreciate your husband? Yeah, it wasn't necessarily the
lessons in the heartbreak. The heartbreak was what showed me
that that was actually my first love, because I never, like,
so on your way out that you realize, oh, love
(13:38):
this guy, Like yeah, because it wasn't supposed to do anything.
I was pulling leah, you know, just like being in
there doing my own thing, like no strings, no attachments,
like we're just gonna be here, right and then um,
and that was, you know, mostly because of the realm
I was in. I was a NFL cheerleader at the time,
and like, oh wait, I just realized who we're talking
(13:59):
about out Oh my god, I know, yes, I know,
but here so they're gonna be like no, because he
was also like more than ten years older than me,
But I don't know who this is. This is how
(14:21):
y'all know used to be out here. I'm like I
thought it was, but now you just dropped and identifying
business here. I love it for so okay, there we go.
But yeah, it was until after the fact and then,
So it wasn't necessarily like the heartbreak that taught me
(14:42):
the lessons, um. It was more so the going through
the heartbreak that showed me how much I really did
value this person um way more than I wanted to
or I thought I did. UM. But in looking back
all of the things that were taught to me and
shown to me and everything, it was more so, UM,
(15:04):
I found the things in my husband now um that
I appreciate it and that I wanted. And I think
if Tyler had come along before I had these experiences,
I wouldn't have seen the potential in Tyler for all
of the awesomeness that is in right right now. I
(15:25):
feel that, and I think in nostalgia is sort of
like one of the themes of this episode, so we'll
kind of be touching back on that as we continue
this convo. Um. But according to studies, they say nostalgia
is a unique blend uh combination, a combination of a
thought process wrapped up in emotions, which I think is
interesting because yeah, you can feel like happy or sad,
(15:45):
but when you're nostalgic, it's like this cognitive process of
remembering while also feeling the emotions attached to it, so
you're really sort of immersing yourself and those old feelings.
And they also say that recalling a love for the
past can actually help promote hope for the future and
sort of reassure you that life has meaning. I remember
that that felt good once. I remember what it felt
(16:05):
like to be in love or to be happy, which
can encourage or sort of help you moving forward having
faith that you can feel those things again. I know
it's certainly been the case for me when I'm like,
life sucks, what does it all mean? And then I
remember that I was, I was in love once. It
could have it again, so, you know, keep hope alive
or whatever. The optimists say. Uh, Leah, your first love,
(16:29):
do you remember it? Is it a fond remembrance? I
remember it crystal clearly. Um and just so messy, so
many ups and downs. Um. Similar to Tree Vasha, where
like I'm grateful for some things that happened and lessons
I learned a lot of which things I don't want
(16:52):
in a partner, things I learned to UM. You know,
try to figure out very early on in relationships. You know,
if they're they're not known as the red flag. UM.
But it was. It was really it was an intense situation.
It started very young. I was I was fourteen when
I first met him. Uh, we dated for a little while.
(17:14):
He was also a little bit older than me, and
we we broke up for a while and got back
together when I was nineteen, And I mean it was
a very I do not look back on that family.
I really really don't like. I really it's interesting because
I thought that was my person. You know, when we're younger,
we really think like, oh, this is it, this is
the one. Which is the only time I ever had
(17:34):
that thought before my boyfriend now, but it was, I
mean it he turned out to not be who I
thought he was, and uh ended in police getting called
and just really some some really nasty the things that
I needed to take the next few years to uh
(17:54):
come back from being said. So that one once we
got back together, that was a little over a year
or so. It's like met at fourteen, got back together
at nineteen, was over before I just before I turned
twenty one. So yeah, like a year and a half,
almost two years actually, And um, but that being said, like, man,
(18:15):
I learned so much from that, you know what I mean,
And I I was able to really really figure out
who I was after the fact from that experience, and
I love who I am, so yeah, good lessons learned.
Lessons learned. My first love was different. It was interesting,
(18:35):
like I've had first crushes that were like infatuation to
the point of like heartbreak, but it was all in
my mind because I was only ever pressed individually, like
I'd never even I did not date in high school,
like I wasn't allowed to date, so it wasn't until
college that I really started dating. But my first love
was interesting in that it was super like sweet and
(18:57):
pure and amicable. End it lasted for like years, but
it was interesting because I always felt in it. I
will say I he was just a really good guy.
He was a really good guy, and it was sweet
and I don't know that I ever felt like in
(19:18):
love and love like in those sort of like infatuated
the world is spinning, like oh my god, like the
colors are brighter and this isn't that's um with this?
And I say that because I felt that since then,
like so I know that that can be felt um.
But it was just like a really sweet and pure relationship.
He was a total sweetheart, Like I think I grew
(19:39):
to love him over time because I always knew earlier
he was a really good guy. But I think my
biggest lesson from that experience, from that first quote unquote
love is one realizing there are different types of love, right,
and I've become obsessed with the psychology of love and
the different categories. Um I've always been intrigued by the idea,
but it's like, Okay, you get romantic love, that infatuation
(20:03):
period that's sort of intoxicated drug feeling, and then you
have companion it love where which is what I think.
We always existed in that state of just like comfortable, sweet,
secure companionship, Like we're not really rocking the boat. It's
not going to get too crazy, it's not going to
be too passionate for good or for bad. But we're
somewhere in the middle and enjoying each other's company and
like loving each other. So looking back, it was really secure,
(20:26):
healthy relationship. It just wasn't one that I wanted to
be in after a while. And that was my biggest
lesson from my first love or first relationship is someone
can be a really good person and you can love
them so much and still that doesn't make them the
one for you necessarily that you can still walk away
from a thing, even if it's a generally good thing.
(20:48):
I spent a lot of time confused because I didn't
date in high school, and I was figuring out a
lot of this on my own, trying to understand, like, wait,
he's not like if I'm not being abused, if I'm
not being talked too crazy, if the guy is sweet
and kind and doing all these things like everyone else
is saying, this is the dream type of guy, So
I should just stay here, right, I should just keep
(21:10):
doing this. It's my first love, Like we just want
to get married and have babies now, right, But like,
deep down something I mean was like, no, that's not
how it work. That's not it has to work. And
I'm glad I listened to that because it was a
weird feeling to walk away from it when nothing was wrong.
But now on the other side of that, and obviously
having had relationships and love since then, I'm like, oh,
(21:31):
this is what my gut was sort of saving me for.
There was there was so much more to feel out there,
and he deserves to have someone who feels out way
about him and vice versa and he's found that I'm
super happy for him. Um So for me, first love
was really just about realizing there are different types of
it and it doesn't have to be toxic or your husband, Like,
(21:52):
there's a whole spectrum. I love it when we do
these group chats and all of us have like completely
opposite experiences. It just makes it so much more real
to your point, sorry, like that there is such a
wide spectrum for sure. These days, like we're all doing
it for ourselves. Women don't need men um to contractually
enter into these financial agreements for stability for you know,
(22:15):
a breadwinner because he's going to go out and make
more money than she ever could in the workforce. And
we also have more options. It's like if you met
a good guy in the middle of wherever you were
in the fifties, sixties, seventies, Like you've got the twenty
mile radius around your home for the most part, or
you know, whatever random trip you take, but there were
no apps, there's no internet, there's you lose a high
(22:38):
school best friend if they leave town and spend ten
years trying to track them down through word of mouth.
Like you meet a good guy, you lock him down
asap because you don't know the next time coming around.
But now Instagram, I feel like social media and dating
oppos today, they're like they've created more of an illusion
(22:58):
of the fact that there's so much there. Like it's
not that there isn't but the fact that you can
just swipe like that or d M like that or
whatever it is. It's like, I mean, I know that
there's more people out there, but not as many quality
people are not necessarily quality, but the people that are
right for you, right right, absolutely, Yeah, good point on
(23:21):
the illusion because for all the people who are out
there and we're seeing constantly, I feel like more than ever,
people are talking about how disconnected they feel, how missing
um companionship or relationships they are, and it's like, well,
there's this plethora, but that's the issue, and there's so
many people around that nobody wants to commit because they
all feel like the next best thing is just a
(23:43):
tweet away, a like away, a d M slide away,
a match away on an app, and then you look
up two years of past and you're still single. Yep,
there's that anyways. Okay, Okay, this will be firm, Okay,
so let's let's go back to the boys love before.
We're going to take it back to junior high in
high school, and I'm only going to be able to
(24:04):
talk about the people I crushed on like a creeper
from Afar because I wasn't allowed to date. And you
guys can tell me about what it was like to
actually date that teenager. I had a couple of moments,
like like literally two conversations, but that's it. Oh my god. Okay,
So take me back to your first date. Ever? How
old were you? It might have been maybe for you, Leah,
(24:26):
your first love, but maybe it wasn't. Who who was
it with? Protect the names? Where'd you go? Like? What
what was the vibe? How old were you? I don't
remember really my first date. And oh I remember, I
can remember that. I can remember my first kiss, my
(24:52):
first kiss. Yeah, oh remembers I was you were fat it.
I wouldn't even call it a kiss. It's so embarrassing. Okay,
are you ready for me to tell you this? Now
we're doing? Okay? Well, I was a new girl in
town at this church. Everyone hated me already. Also not
(25:14):
at oh my god, it's always a church, I know,
I know. Um So anyway, um, there was this guy
that everyone liked, and obviously I liked him too, because
he was like everything back then and he's not great now.
But anyway, yeah, anyway, so um, we were like talking
(25:37):
or whatever, and we decided we were going to plan
out this kiss. I had never kissed anybody. I'm sure
he had done a lot more than kiss anyone, you know,
But we planned this out and we're like, okay, after church,
behind church, we're going to have this kiss. And so um,
after church, we went out behind the church and all
(26:00):
the kids came to like watch, because this was like
the event that was happening. This was the event I
was kissing, so everybody, and this is my first kiss, y'all.
And so I'm standing there and then he like stood there.
He was looking all like good, and he had braces
and these big lips, and I was like, okay, this
(26:21):
is how it goes, Like you gotta do it like
in the movies. And so I lurched forward like the movies,
like like think like little Mermaid thrusting herself out of water,
like into this guy's face, and I like hit his
lip like hard with my team into his braces and
(26:44):
his lips. Oh oh, wait there was blood. His lips
started bleeding. You gave these people? Yes, yeah that was
pretty horrible. But yeah, Bade, that's really it's so bad.
(27:06):
Like I thought you were supposed to like thrust forward
and be passionate movie. But the movie set us up
for failure. They also they always do with all the movies,
like teen movies, Disney movies, all of us, all of
them failure. Yeah, right is absolute hole. My first kiss
(27:27):
was like, I'm like so much older, seventeen about to
be eight girl in a few months. My gosh, you're
such a good girl. I mean I was, but I
wasn't really trying trying to be. I think I was
just Joe Hall wasn't having it so like I couldn't
sneak out, I couldn't Like he was just everywhere, even
though he was always working. I'm like, how is he
always here at the times when I could be trying
(27:49):
to like sneak out or like get away and do something,
and then for all the other stuff, he's just at work.
But it was senior year and we were about to
go to prom in a couple of months, and my
um best friend, my high school best friend was dating sophomore.
(28:12):
Maybe this is why I like I've been coogering it up.
Maybe this is what this is. I didn't even realize. Um.
And so she was dating a sophomore and they were
like in a relationship, but I was single. I wasn't
really dating. I had crushes or whatever, but that was it.
And so she was like, oh my gosh, you should
totally go out with my boyfriend's best friend. It'll be
(28:34):
so great. We'll like go to prom together and did
da And I was like, whatever, it's my senior year.
I'm just like I need a date to prom, Like
I can't go through four years of high school without
like a date period, let alone like to one of
the dances. And I was never really particularly pressed or interested.
(28:54):
But then I was like, you know what we're doing this?
So he was interested. So we like did the soup
for um corny like four way call. She was like, okay,
I'm gonna patch him in and I was like, okay,
I'm like this is what everyone else was doing at
twelve or thirteen. And so we're like this like three
(29:15):
way or four way call. I'm like, oh yeah, I no,
like I think I don't even remember the phone call
just cringe. But anyways, he asked me out to prom
and I was like, sure, so maybe a couple of
weeks before prom, they had this house party at one
of the kids homes, and so I went to the
house party and this is the first time. Also we
wanna talk about first that I had drank, like I
(29:35):
didn't drink in high school, and I only had a
couple of beers. But I was so excited. Slash stressed
because I was like, oh my god, like I'm about
to have a bud light, like she just might get crazy,
and so I'm like snipping my bud light, trying to
play it cool, but I'm like super hype. Slash also
(29:55):
really like nervous about what the heck is gonna happen,
and so we both know in the back her minds
like he's gonna kiss me. It's happening. And so we
end up sitting on the couch and everyone else is like,
all the kids are going off into their various corners,
probably like make out and do god knows what, and
I'm just here away from my first kiss at almost eighteen.
(30:16):
And then he like leans in and I'm like, oh god,
it's happening. And then he goes for my hair and
I was like, wait, don't touch me, wait here, and
and so we're going for a kiss. It was a kiss.
It was it was wet, It was very wet. Um,
(30:39):
it was super sweet. So I don't want to I
don't want to shoot on the kiss, but it was.
It was a lot of tongue, a lot of a
lot of time in action. Um. But that was my
first kiss. And then a couple of weeks later we
had a really lovely time at prom. We had a
great time that night. He was a super sweet guy. Um.
So yeah, that was me losing my kiss virginity when
(31:00):
most people who are losing their actual virginity, virginity is
not something to lose. That implies that it is something
we are giving away, and we are not giving away
ship our feminist queen, thank you. Try to check you all.
(31:21):
What should keep us a lying right? What should I
be saying when I gave my virginity away when there's
no giving first case, when you had sex for the
first time, like, that's it. It was just the first time.
So we didn't act. So we don't talk about virginia.
(31:42):
We don't use the word Virginia. I mean you couldn't listen,
you could do whatever you want. You are. I just
want you to stay wonderful, beautiful, intelligent women. It's just
if you're if you're talking about like, it's more it's
more about giving something away or losing it, because it
implies that it is something that you yourself lost or
gave away, when in fact, you were just doing an
(32:04):
act and natural act that everybody or that most people
do for the first time. That's it. So when I
chose to cancel my virginity, M chose to cancel. Okay,
this is newl like a bad person. Get out of here, Virginity.
(32:24):
You are canceled, all right. I don't know, trying to
figure out something new to love it just let's just,
you know, just think about it, think about whatever works
for you. He's not gonna like the flowering either. Powering
commences there. So there is a book. It's called Come
(32:47):
As You Are, and it is really amazing. UM it's
you know, for it's it's specifically for women that were
assigned the gender of female at birth. UM. Mostly just
because that's what all the eight I collected in this
book is around. But it really goes deep into exploration
on a number of levels, um, around the female body
(33:10):
and and and preferences and all these different kinds of things.
And there's a whole chapter on this particular topic that
I really related to. So now I kind of take
that with me in my life and tried to share
it with especially the women and also the men in
my life because they should know that they did not
take anything either. You better keep the word leah, Um,
(33:37):
you know, I can't help myself. Yes, my first kiss
so so awkward. It was in middle school. I think
it was eighth grade. It must have been like the
beginning of eighth grade, and I was like feeling the
pressure of not having my first kiss yet. I don't
know if it's because I grew up in New York
(33:58):
City and like, I don't know, maybe it was just,
you know, we do things a little quicker there, um,
But for whatever reason, Like it wasn't just me, but
it was most of the people I knew in my grade. Like,
you become friends with a boy, and then you they
become your boyfriend, and then all of a sudden you
stopped talking. You're like nervous around each other. Something did
(34:19):
this just happen with me in middle school. In my school,
I don't know ever, so weird. And then I remember
like having like passing a note to have somebody passed
to him like meet me in the stairwell like after
third period. I don't know what period. It wasn't just
making that up, but maybe in the stairwell after third period,
(34:41):
and he met me there. Uh we'll use the name
j A to you know, keep his cover intact um.
And we met in the stairwell and I basically just
like I was so scared. I just like ran at
him and like through my face to his face essentially
(35:01):
also wet zuri and then like giggled and ran away,
and we probably you just ride again bolted, I mean
just ran. That was that. And then like afterwards, like
everybody was talking about it, and like we were like,
(35:22):
yeah it was good, Yeah it was good, but like
to our friends and like, I don't know, it was
so awkward. And again we probably never spoke again. And
oh my god, story the combination of mind and z Right,
She's like, oh I got you. Wow, okay, wow. So
(35:44):
your first kisses were pretty wild. Actually a lot of them,
a lot of um. I felt very like combustible, what
is flashing? Passionate? No, not even passionate, fascinated? Way was
not passionate? Like awkward? A lot of teeth, A lot
of teeth and god, Okay, well I'm glad we all
(36:07):
survived our first kisses. Um was his blood and not mine? Right?
Facts facts? Um, So we talked first loves, first kisses.
Maybe potentially for Ulia, sounds like this might be one
and the same. Uh maybe even for you. I don't know,
It's not for me because, like I said, my first
(36:29):
love was something different. Uh so my first heartbreak actually
was someone different. Um So I want to talk first heartbreaks,
Like how old were you when you experienced your first
heartbreak and how did you hurt them or vice versa?
How did they hurt you? Like what what was the
triggering point of the pain, and then how did you heal?
Like what was the biggest lesson that came out of
that heartbreak? Yeah? I mean my first heartbreak was that
(36:51):
same guy you know I was. I guess I must
have been still fourteen or fifteen. It was the first
time we broke up. Um. He and his ex girlfriend,
who was a good friend of mine, had been spending
a lot of time together and this is back you know,
your fourteen, so your's your first love. You're not really
jealous or I was in any way or suspecting of anything.
(37:13):
I was just like, Oh, that's so nice that they
were together and and now they're friends and they're hanging
out all the time. And he called me up, uh
and said, you know, there're you know, there's something going
on with us, right And I was so shocked. I
couldn't even believe he was telling me that and that.
UM And I was like, wait, are you breaking up
with me right now? Like some similar to a scene
(37:34):
from the movie Like, I was like, wait, is this
is that what's actually happening? And you know, he said yes,
And we talked for a few more minutes and we
got off the phone. And it was really the first
time I had felt that particular kind of pain that,
unfortunately I will have felt several more times over the years. UM.
And the odd thing is maybe it was because I
(37:55):
was so young, or maybe because I am someone who
is in fact able to, you know, over things rather
quickly unless there's something really really big. I I think
within a week I was I was okay, and and
and I was already back out there. Yeah, I mean
I was a teenager in New York City, you know
what I mean. It was it was like I was
(38:15):
hurt and I and I was sad, and I still
saw him often because now here he is dating my
friend again. And I think that part was the part
that was hard hardest for me, It was seeing the
two of them together. But I was able to heal
pretty quickly from that, and I started dating somebody else
another a few weeks later. It wasn't until my heart
was broken when I was like twenty, is that like
(38:37):
that was the that was the bigger one. But that
first one, I was okay, right, right, okay, good, bounce
that game strong two weeks and then that's like also
like I think high school and like teenage, like life
is moving at such a rapid page. So it's like
I get that, but I'm glad to hear that at
least that first go around, you were able to bounce
back quickly. Blash, what about you? Was your first heartbreak?
(38:59):
This was that first love or someone else? It was
something else? Do you guys are gonna laugh at me?
It was before and you're gonna laugh at me. But
you said your first one and this is the one
I remember. I was in first grade. Oh my god,
it was I know, I knew everything I had lived life.
I'm gonna put his name out there because he doesn't
(39:20):
know who the heck guy am. So Jamie, Okay, really
cute talking about you at this very moment on a
different podcast. Who I have so um, I can make
this quick. I mean we were like, you know, we
decided we were going to beat boyfriend and girlfriend. He
brought like I'm not making this up. He bought a
(39:41):
ring out a little vending machine and he gave it
to me and I wore it on my little finger.
We had we legit. We had a little wedding like
with our friends, and we got married and so like
he he was like my guy for about like four
days and then I think I missed school or something
and I came back and he was already onto somebody
(40:04):
knew and he asked me for the ring back, and
I was taking the ring back. I know, I need
to cheap that we could cheap six year old like
come on, first grade? Yes right, no, I believe in grade.
Me and the pastors that we're playing in our wedding
in first grade. And then I came to my senses
(40:26):
and I was like, I'm just not old enough, Like
I'm not ready for this type of commitment. We were
gonna have a backyard wedding like for fake in like
one weekend, and then I called it off. I was
afraid you were smarter than you were ready to just
risk it all. Got My whole life, you know, came
(40:46):
to this point. So no, I remember throwing the ring
at him right before I got off the bus. Or
why was everything that happened to you a movie scene
the Braves? It just happened on the buck. It did
happen on the bus. Yes, And then we weren't dating anymore.
And then like maybe like a week or so after that,
(41:08):
he did the same thing to her and started dating
my cousin. And that's you know, this is just a
you know, a silly, little first grade thing, but that
is like real, that's like real life, right, Like that's
how men are. They're all, yeah, So I learned that
(41:28):
lesson really early. I know, that's like a little first grade,
a little funny story. It definitely applies that like causes
your attachment style and stuff like you're talking about in
therapy and they're like, when was the first time this
thing happened, and you're like, damn, it was first grade. Ye, well,
(41:49):
I'm glad that you were able to heal from that
heartbreak and it's so hard. I hope he gets what's
coming to him. Just kidding, Jamie. If you're out there,
shout out to Jamie. My first heartbreak also like super
old compared to everyone else. But funny enough, it was
in college, wasn't It was before I got into my
(42:12):
committed relationship. So when I first, you know, freshman year,
you're out and about your dating. You're mixing and mingling,
and I was like a kid in the candy store
because this is the first time I was ever able
to date. And now there's sixty thou people on campus
at my university, UM, and we were talking quote unquote,
which is like my favorite like funck boy, funck girl
(42:32):
like phrase to label something when it really has no
rules or stipulations and you're probably just gonna end up
hurting each other. So we're like talking and we're dating
like casually, but I'm falling super hard and super fast
because I've never dated before. And he was the person
who like found me reached out to me, like initiated
(42:53):
this whole thing, right, And he was attractive and he
was like cool to me, right because I'm just coming
from a tiny little school where I've been with the
same like forty people for six years, um, and it
was a country day school, no less, so like this
is just like a big, cool, sexy world that I
mean now. And so we were like hanging out and
I caught feelings so quickly and like felt so hard.
(43:16):
And it's funny because looking back, that was my true
like I guess you would say puppy love. Now, Like
in hindsight, I'm like, like what were you even? Like
how much was there to even go on for it
to be like a thing thing? But I everything for
me was delayed. So like my first I'm in love
was a freshman in college, not in junior high or
(43:37):
high school. Thinking that so I learned those lessons later, um.
But we were always super compatible, had a lot of chemistry,
and I think I was just too young and innocent
and naive, which is one of the reasons that like
I kind of do wish in all seriousness that I've
been able to or have the opportunity to date in
high school because I would have learned some of those
lessons sooner, and I would have been able to navigate
(43:58):
college with more intention in I probably wouldn't have gotten
into a relationship that lasted four or five years throughout,
like I would have been out in these college streets,
like basically because I kind of got snatched up. Because anyways,
so at one point we're like vibing, We're super into it.
And then his high school girlfriend came to town, and
(44:22):
I remember this is when I realized, like I need
to I need to read a book or something, because
I don't think I'm doing this day anything. Right. He goes, Hey,
my ex is coming to town, but she's just a friend,
and my entire friend group is coming out, and you know,
like you trust me, right, And I was like, yeah,
I do, and like I did, but like I shouldn't have.
(44:45):
So I'm like it's fine, and so they all come out,
and I was stressed like that whole weekend, just laid
up in my twin sized door in bed, like what
are they doing? Where are where is everybody? But also
he said they're just friends, so like that's probably the case, right,
And then Monday or Tuesday rolls around his homies from
his hometown leave, including the X, and we're back to
(45:09):
hang out and going on our little dates or whatever,
and I like could not shape wanting to know like
what happened or didn't happen, And so honestly, now that
I think about this this we're friends to this day.
That's why I'm like, I shouldn't like you have some
then I think about it, and so I um, I
(45:30):
was like, hey, so what you know, like what happened?
Like did anything happen this weekend? Trying to play it
cool like I'm eighteen like so cash like like whatever,
I've like done stuff and been stuff, like I can
totally handle this conversation. And he's like, which is the
most boy answer of all time? But I do? He goes, yeah,
you know, Um well, I'm all I've always want to
(45:51):
keep it real with you and be honest, like, whatever
you think happened happened. I remember what answer, dude. And
we were he was childers like we were talking eighteen
years old at night to still whatever you think happened happened.
I'm like, do you know how quickly my mind spirals
I'm thinking it all swinging from poles and feeling. So
(46:14):
you don't know that I need to know specifically what happened,
but obviously they hooked up um, and I was gutted, gutted, gutted, gutted,
And then in the days that followed, like we sort
of like unraveled whatever it was because we weren't ever
even in a committed relationship, so it's not like he
couldn't do anyone to do UM, but I was all
in emotionally because it was the first time that I
(46:35):
like felt anything for someone like that. And I remember
that heartbreak like being so bad. I sat in my
dorm room and would just cry myself to sleep at night,
and I would like I wanted to twist the knife.
It was like teenage angst but at well, I guess
I'm still a teenager eighteen, and I would just play
like Day twenty six all night, what's the one song
(46:56):
since you've been gone? The thing you of? The song
highly recommended, And I was just like wanting to wallow
in the despair, in the grief, like just a glutton
for punishment, low key massachist um. And it took me
like a grit, like probably two months of like before
(47:22):
I even wanted to date again. And the only thing
that really pulled me out of it was like another
guy kind of really, that's what I'm saying, Like, yest
way to get over someone it was to get under
someone I wasn't. Yeah, but that heartbreak taught me that
(47:50):
life goes on, that you can heal because in the moment,
it really felt like the world was ending, like the
like I would never love again, I would never feel again,
like I would never feel a pain this deep. And
it's like that. That's why my heart goes out to
young kids, especially when they're going through these heart baked breaks.
You think about mental health and wellness and when you're
not equipped with the tools, because who is as a
(48:11):
teenager and junior high These kids are dating at ten
eleven years old now and whether they're being bullied, whether
a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever is saying mean things,
and we see these tragedies play out and not for
it to take a super dark turn. But it's because
these emotions are so overwhelming when you feel them for
the first time, and if you're really young, when you
feel this stuff for the first time and you don't
(48:33):
feel like you have um a parent or a guardian
that you can go to to safely talk about it
without feeling judged or being punished. Sometimes the consequences are dire.
I did not know how I was going to survive
that that heartbreak, like in those moments it I viscerally
felt it physically, like in my body and my heart
for weeks and weeks, and then I bounced back and
(48:55):
I was out there and now the types of another episode. Um,
but I learned that life goes on. I learned that,
you know, to quote Glenn and Doyle, we can do
hard things that we survive and obviously much more painful
things in my life that had nothing to do with
romantic relationships. You know, you lose family members, loved ones, friendships,
(49:19):
and life goes on. So that was my first major
lesson and the resilience of the heart. So to wrap
things up, oh God, we need to do a rapid
fire because we're running out of time. But I have
so many of our questions and I'm asking guys, okay,
since we were talking about heartbreak songs and y'all were
(49:40):
trying to throw shade in my day twenty six moment,
what's your go to heartbreak song? Anything? By Adele. Also
like back in the day, it was no Scrubs by TLC.
That is not a heartbreak song, that is a bounce back. Okay,
Mine's Chris Sette Michelle there. She has a lot of them,
(50:00):
So just say, oh, I loved her back in the day.
That first album, the first album, Yeah, that was okay,
Yeah any Adele, Yeah it was day twenties. I don't
know what why Day twenty six are just around when
I was out here gutted about things. I guess, Um, Okay,
what is one question you wish you could ask one
(50:20):
of the first in your life what the hell is
wrong with you? I actually got to go back to
my first love and we had a conversation and it
was actually so eye opening. So I don't have any
questions that I need to go back and ask anyone
(50:41):
because I actually got to do that. Okay. I love that.
I love that. Um, do I want to ask a question? No,
I don't want to ask a question. Also, I tend
to stay friends with my exes, or find a way
to be friendly is a better phrase. I'm not like
kicking it with them all the time. So I feel
like we've talked out things. I just believe if I
loved you once and you loved me once, like, there's
no reason for the blood to stay as long as
(51:01):
the ending wasn't abusive or very toxic or you know,
something that scarred me for life. But it's like, we
shared so many memories. It's so bizarre to me that
people are like and now you're dead to me, like
or you're just someone a romantic relationship didn't work out with.
But I wish you well and if I see you
in the streets, I will speak. You know. I've never
I've never been the one who just um, okay um.
(51:24):
What was your your wedding song Travasha? And what would
you want your first dance or song to be? Leah
win slash if you decided to get married? Okay, so
our wedding song when we Gotta Be Rapid was then?
I think it's like I thought I knew then. It's
like Brad Paisley, I believe, Oh that was your first dance. Yeah,
(51:50):
that's our first dance. I've got to go listen to.
I don't know if I've heard of I'm not a
huge believer in like first dances, weddings. I don't know
that's just like question a question, Okay, okay, I would
(52:11):
I don't believe the first dance or that it's something
you lose. I like to think about You're so much
attention on you for the whole day. I'm kind of like, what,
like why take away from the party with all these
like first stances and first this. And I'm just not
a very traditional wedding person. But if I had to,
(52:32):
and if my partner was very much adamant, then I
would say sure thing by Miguel, because that's like kind
of like I love that less. Um, I don't know.
I feel like my future wedding song is contingent upon
like who I'm marrying, like not to make sure, Like
(52:53):
I think it's very much like specific to the relationship.
Like when I would envision my wedding with like my
college boyfriend, it would be a different song and I
would say right now, Um, but I've always said, like
I've always wanted to walk down the aisle too, I
can't help falling in love with you. But not the
Elvis version. There's a singer name. I think it's Ingrid
(53:14):
Michaelson or something like that. Isn't that whiskey one? Yeah?
Hers or there's someone I think Hayley Steinfeld randomly even
had a version that I really like. But I've just
always loved that song, so that could be hopefully my
first slash only walk down the Aisle song. Um, but
who knows, we'll see Okay, um, last thing. Okay, this
(53:40):
isn't a first, but in one sentence, if you could
give one piece of advice to your younger self or
current self, a friendly reminder when it comes to love,
what would it be? Once I would tell my younger
I would tell my younger self to prioritize yourself first
above everybody else. I your in your own heart. That's
(54:01):
so good, that's so good. I would tell myself to
listen to Leah. That's good. That's good. Time jump machine
that allows you and I mean, obviously, if you could
talk to your younger self, time travel exists so exactly, like, yeah,
(54:29):
that's a good one. Prioritizing self for sure, I'm sure.
Tell my younger self don't be afraid to walk away
from or let go of a good thing out of
fear that nothing better will materialize. I feel like I've
held on to so many things in my life, not
just love and relationship based, but sometimes in career, sometimes
(54:50):
just random stuff because I'm so afraid, like what if
it never gets better than this? What if I can't
get the things that I think I'm worthy of or
deserve or what? And the universe always provides, like that provides,
It always tends to happen. So I feel like we
would save a lot of time if we just stopped
holding clinging to dead things. Basically, I do have better
(55:13):
advice for myself now, don't let your past hurts dictate
your future and your present life, because I definitely did
a lot of that. It's a good one and not
just some relationships, but trauma as well. So happy, best
(55:34):
well ladies. This was a lot of fun. Thank you
for joining me on another episode of the group Chat.
Where can audiences find you if they'd like to stay
from time? I'm pretty much only on Instagram and my
Instagram handle is annoying, but it's at underscore underscore Leah
Elizabeth underscore underscore. But you can find me um through
(55:57):
the Hot Happy Mess Instagram yea and um on TikTok
and Instagram at Life of a Sassy stew Although I
don't have as much time as for to do stuff
because I am a student, pilot and a mom and
a flight atudent all that, all that, all that, um
And you can follow me at Zuri Hall or hit
(56:18):
us up at Hot Happy Mess and stay tuned for
more episodes every Wednesday about love, life, relationships, self care,
all of the things that there's a particular topic that
you want to hear. Just let us know. You can
slide in our d m s. You can email us
hello at Hot Happy Mess uh dot com, or you
can tweet us, but maybe don't tweet us so I
(56:39):
don't check Twitter very often. Um And if you like
to stout the tone and you can leave a five
star review, let us know any of your first first love's,
first heartbreaks, anything you took away from this podcast or
that stood out in the review. I love to see it.
I'd love to hear it, um and I will talk
to you next week. Travash Leiah, thank you so much,
love you both, and I'll talk to you next Wednesday.
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