Navigating the Dark Night of the Soul: A Journey of Healing and Spiritual Awakening

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Hi everyone, it's Amanda Rieger Green. Welcome to Soul Sessions.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
Today.

Speaker 1 (00:13):
We're going to talk about some heavy stuff, so stick
with me. Thank you for joining. We're going to talk
about the dark knight of the soul and whether you
are in the midst of a dark knight of the soul,
or you have been through one, or you have someone
you love who is really struggling, because being on both

(00:35):
sides of that is important and relevant. I know my
darkest time it really affected the people around me, all
of my community, whether it was work community, or my
family and loved ones, friendships. It's not just personal. It
is insidious in a way, but it's so transformative. Yet

(00:59):
it does feel like that when you're in it. So however,
you can relate whether it is personally right now in
the midst of it, it's been in the past, and
what you've learned through it and how you've risen up,
or you are holding space and loving on someone who
is experiencing a lot of fear and despair and loss,

(01:23):
whatever it may be, there is so much beauty in
the darkness and the dark night of the soul. And
I know this sounds absurd, but I am grateful for
the darkest times in my life and especially really what
I consider my dark night of the soul, because it
feels like we go into the dark night of the soul,
and then as we grow, as we evolve and heal,

(01:45):
we go.

Speaker 2 (01:45):
Back into the cave.

Speaker 1 (01:47):
Like there are times where it's the dry desert, like
we are really having to dig deep for resources. So
we're gonna I'm going to explore that. I'm going to
share some personal experiences, some insights that will hopefully resonate
with you and instill light, shine light into those dark spaces,

(02:08):
because the darkness is relevant, and usually we get the
darkness when we don't want it. It's not like we're saying, hey,
bring in the dark. I can't wait for this, But
it happens when it's supposed to. Everything is divinely timed,
and looking back, you'll know how I love to connect
the dots, the cosmic dots, the data and then be

(02:29):
able to see things because it's not linear. You know,
I can relate things back to different phases or periods
of my life and they're so relevant today when I
remember them and I go back and what did I learn.

Speaker 2 (02:41):
And who am I today?

Speaker 1 (02:43):
So we'll dive into that, but I want to give
a quick shout out because I want to tell you
what I've been working on. I've been working on the
twenty twenty five Numerology Guidebook, and it's numerology and astrology.
And at first, when I was adding in the astrology,
I was adding it in so everyone who has found
this resource useful and will find it in the future

(03:04):
is into numerology and astrology. I was really correlating the
month over month energies and numerology with the astrology, like
where the sun is the new and full moons. But
then I started adding in the retrograde phases, so there's
more and more astrology coming into it because I just
can't help myself, and it's relevant. So it's not so
astrology heavy that it's exhaustive. It is really complementary and

(03:29):
pointing at key dates and energies and how to utilize
and understand that energy, especially with a roadmap. And I
know for me using tools like astrology and numerology, they're
very psycho spiritual when I understand the possibilities of the energy,
whether it's like ooh, this is a breakthrough time or ooh,

(03:50):
this is going to be tough. You got to pack
your patients and instill more hope and faith. When I
know those things, it's not like I'm preparing for doomsday
or just pie in the sky. This time is going
to be amazing. It's like it it sets the stage
for this inner depth and resourcefulness within to really not

(04:15):
only collaborate and trust in divine timing, but expand my consciousness,
expand our consciousness. So I'm working on that. It'll be
out before you know it. Stay tuned. So let's dive
into all things dark and how the light shines through.
So for me, the darkest night of my soul was

(04:38):
two thousand and eight to twenty thirteen.

Speaker 2 (04:41):
That's a long.

Speaker 1 (04:41):
Time when I look back over the years, because it
was years, and I wasn't just a puddle under my
covers for all those years, you know, And I wasn't
in the mental institution for all those years. But it
was really a very deep, scary, conflicting and confusing time,

(05:05):
and it was triggered for me. I had already been
through heavy and hard stuff. So in nineteen ninety nine,
my dad died. The year before that, my mom had
gone through a year of breast cancer that was had
a terminal diagnosis at the time, and so we had
gone through a year of her breast cancer, like ninety

(05:25):
seven ninety eight, and I was in high school at
the time, and then my dad dropped dead in front
of my eyes in ninety nine. And it's funny because
you'd think, wow, that was a dark night of the soul. Well,
it was dark, it was heavy, it was traumatic, and
I was seventeen eighteen years old. I was not equipped.

(05:48):
And at that time in the nineties, the self help,
the spiritual growth and awareness, it hadn't kicked in. The knowledge,
the wisdom, the resourcefulness, the practice, and self care. I
didn't have those tools. I had good tools, I had
people that loved me and resources and community, but I

(06:11):
really had no language or therapy. I didn't get therapy.
And I'm setting this up because it sets the stage
up for two thousand and eight and two thousand and nine.
But after my dad died, it was financially not just debilitating.
It was really trying. And this is just the logistics

(06:34):
of it. My dad died on a Sunday morning, and
my mom and dad on Saturday had had some guys
help with the yard. It was springtime. It was the
week after Easter, and so they were planting some new
things in the yard. They had had the grass cut
and on Monday morning, after my dad died on Sunday,
the guys knocked on the door. And I don't remember this.

(06:55):
My mom shared it with me after the fact, because
after my dad died, I ended up with tonsilitis and
was in the bed for three days, like I had
to be medicated to get to his funeral. That's how
my body responded to that shock and trauma. Anyway, the
yard guys knocked on the door on Monday morning, and
I would think my grandparents were there. A lot of

(07:16):
people were in the house and they said, is miss
Riager here, And somebody got my mom and they said,
miss Riager, your husband wrote us a check yesterday and
it bounced. We need our money. And my mom was like, well,
I'm really sorry about that.

Speaker 2 (07:34):
He's dead.

Speaker 1 (07:35):
And come to find out, my dad was negative five
hundred dollars in the bank account. We had lived in
a lot of paycheck to paycheck energy most of my life.
We moved a lot. My dad was trying to rebuild
from losses prior to my birth. Anyway, so this paycheck
to paycheck, so I know in my heart on Monday

(07:58):
morning he was going to make a deposit it in
the bank account before that check was cashed. And I mean,
I just I know how he operated. I know that's
what went on. But my grandparents gave my mom the
cash because they were at the house to pay the yardman.

Speaker 2 (08:14):
But that's how it started out.

Speaker 1 (08:16):
And in a very short time, we gave our house
back to the bank to pay debts on my dad's taxes.
We gave all of our cars back. My grandparents helped
my mom buy a car. She was a nurse, she started,
you know, I mean she was working, but I mean
it was it was really drastic, and I went off
to college. All this to say that was not the

(08:36):
darkest night of my soul. It was extremely traumatic, and
of course, moving from eighteen a senior in high school,
you know, and my dad dying just before I graduated,
and then going off to college. My mom saw to
it that I went off to school. So I had
buried and repressed so much pain and trauma and just
mask it with ambition and drive and achieve meant in

(09:01):
a multitude of ways. So I trucked through. You know,
I carried on with all of that fear and pain
and unreconciled grief in my heart. So flash forward to
the end of two thousand and eight. I got laid
off and there were massive layoffs. Depending on what age

(09:24):
you are, you can probably go back to two thousand
and eight, two thousand and nine, the housing crisis, major layoffs.
I was one of those people. I got laid off
November first, two thousand and eight. And let me tell
you this, I loved my job. I had just turned
twenty eight, and I was right at that space where

(09:46):
it was like I was paying my bills, I was
self sufficient. I was paying my student loans.

Speaker 2 (09:51):
You know.

Speaker 1 (09:51):
I mean, I really like I was on a budget,
but I was. I felt financially and personally stable. My job,
I was in organizational development and people development for a
public company. I worked in the corporate office. I was
their director of operations and human resource development. So I

(10:12):
went to all these companies. It's when I realized I
loved working with people. And my mentor at the time
he said something to me, and this is one of
those statements that is like a soul statement for me,
he said Reager. He said, I just love to astound

(10:33):
people with their own abilities, and I was like, that's
what I love. I love seeing someone and their talents
and then allowing them to recognize their talents and then
showcasing then sharing those talents. So it creates this beautiful
ecosystem within an organization, within a team collaboration, and it's lucrative.

(10:53):
It becomes profitable literally on the bottom line, but it's
profitable energetically synergistically. So that's when I realized that that
was my fire, and that's become a tagline for me.
I just want to astound you with your innate abilities. Anyway,
So I get laid off November first. You know, it

(11:15):
was a huge blow and I got a severance. I
was young at the time, and they had me sign
a confidentiality agreement where all of my proprietary information could
not be replicated. And I had just written a huge
white paper on hiring, retention and development for all of

(11:39):
their subsidiaries. I mean, it was huge, it was a
huge accomplishment. It was based in my work, it was working.
They were applying it to the companies. I mean, I
was like loving what I was doing and feeling like
I'm like, yes, like this is it right?

Speaker 2 (11:55):
And then it gets ripped away.

Speaker 1 (11:57):
And not only did my money, my salary, my job,
the economy is turning down. All of that is just taken.
And I'm resourceful, so it was heartbreaking. But I'm like,
I was going to hit the ground running, updating my resume,
looking for jobs. I did all of those things. So
the economy is turning down, and so I started job

(12:18):
hunting and I had tons of resources, networking resources and
recommendations from my experience and what I had accomplished, but
I couldn't find a job for the life of me.
I mean, I was knocking on doors, I was reaching out,
I was making contacts and networking. And it's Christmas time too, right,

(12:39):
It's the holidays, It's Christmas time. And then we bleed
over into the first of the year. So three months unemployed,
and I had a couple of months of severance, so
I had this cushion to pay my bills. But next
thing you know, it's January, February, March, and I'm still
job hunting and banging on doors and not too proud either,

(12:59):
I mean, and there was tons of pride because of
what I had achieved, already and where I was. So
I also, even though I was twenty eight years old,
I was immature and naive in so many ways. But
that flooded into me having to pull the money out

(13:19):
of my four to h and k, which wasn't a ton,
but it was another cushion, so an early four to
oh one k at twenty eight years old to pay
my bills and my student loans. And then I had
to forbear student loans. And then I ended up taking unemployment.
I mean I had unemployment for I think it was
a year, and I was job hunting and I was like,

(13:41):
I can wait tables, I can do anything. But if
I took a job waiting tables, it actually was less
money than my unemployment or then I couldn't go interview
for jobs. Like it was all this like weird back
and forth rat race, and it was so confusing and debilitating.
And in the midst of that, I already had this

(14:01):
proclivity towards alcoholism and addiction because I'm a need for speed,
you know, and when I look back, I'm all or nothing.
And so I had already developed or the pieces of
my brain, and my disease of alcoholism was already like
ramping up through my emotions and my energy and my

(14:23):
anger and my pain and my rage and self pity
and exhaustion and depression and feeling like I was worthless.
I mean all of the things that ensued. I remember
being so broken and vulnerable, and alcohol became this crutch.

(14:51):
I remember being so broken and vulnerable, and alcohol became
this crutch at the time. And I didn't like tip
the scales at that point to where you know, I
was not the alcoholic that was drinking at work. Well,
I wasn't working, you know. I mean, I was trying
to network and do the things. But it also it

(15:14):
was when I started to really rely more on alcohol
to either feel or not feel. And I am one
of those people that I drank to feel or I
drank and I'm out both like it just didn't really matter.
And what I mean is drinking to feel. I didn't
just drink because I needed to. I didn't know how
to feel. Like on an unconscious level, I would drink

(15:35):
and then I would black out, and then the rage
and the anger would come over me. But I'm at
the same time, I'm hitting the pavement, working hard, and
was hitting dead ends. I also got into at this time.
I'm my most vulnerable raw susceptible out of alignment mind, body, spirit, energy,
and I have always been a seeker or a searcher.

(15:58):
And the funny thing about that, and this is what's
interesting about the dark nights of the soul is for
me and for all of those I know, it is
like this seeking and searching and everything is being taken away,
it feels like, and then we are left with the
darkest parts of ourself that maybe have been shoved down, unrecognized,

(16:23):
unavailable for us to access. And the darkness, the darkness
is rich. The darkness is really where the treasure is
when you confront it. But it was like at that
time I wasn't ready to confront it. I was just
fueled by it, even though you know, in my core
I am loving and kind and generous, and I already

(16:46):
told you like I love to see people lit up,
and I had known that, and then it was like
I wasn't lit up anymore, and nobody wants to hire me.
So you can imagine the victimization and self pity and
then the anger that ensues from that and raise. But
at some point that's when my drinking became more like

(17:06):
just a prominent part of my life. But then I
would drink at night or whatever it was, and then
I'd get up at the day and do my day.
And I was living two different lives. But I had
been seeking and searching all along, and I didn't know,
you know, at this time, I'm just looking for a job.
But I also started dating someone, and I really, I

(17:27):
think in my mind, I was like, this is my person.
And I had didn't at that point see myself as
any kind of codependent. But I had plenty of codependencies,
even though I was fiercely independent and self reliant, and
I had become that way and developed this hard shell.
I had also excommunicated people in my life, and that's

(17:49):
a really big word, right. I hadn't just kind of
cut them out or set a boundary. At first, it
was a boundary I had set, but I excommunicated a
lot of people in my life and shut them out
because a lot of it was shame. At first, it
was a healthy boundary, and then it became these walls
around my heart, and then it became shame because I

(18:09):
wasn't successful by my definitions. My old you know, fifteen
year old self or the standards and things that have
been conditioned. So I just I was carrying so much
shame and anger and pain and fear, but I was
also attracting continuing to perpetuate the attraction of that. So

(18:30):
again that point of attraction, if it's you know, rolling
with transformation and growth and light and health and love
and hope, even in the dark times, it balances out
and alchemizes. But I was like not evolving. I was devolving,
and it was becoming darker and scarier and for me

(18:52):
as things amped up into really when I was thirty.
A couple of years later, I ended up with a
job I was dating, so and I was unhealthy, and
I was probably creating more unhealthy behaviors in this person
and they were already unhealthy. I mean, it was like,
I can't I don't have any blame today because.

Speaker 2 (19:12):
It was exactly what it was supposed to be.

Speaker 1 (19:15):
But it was insidious and perpetuating, and so I would
get violent and angry the person I was dating when
I would drink, and I've become crazy, and then I'd
wake up the next morning like why are you mad?
Or what did we argue about? And then it would
repeat and repeat and repeat, and it was the same
cycle on repeat. But I was working. I got back

(19:36):
into healthcare and sales and marketing, which I have a
natural gift for, especially if I believe in something. So
I had taken a job at like a little more
than a third of my prior salary. So I mean
I was getting a dose of humble pie. But I
was like, I'm gonna I want to work like I
love to work, and work at something where I'm touching

(19:58):
people and connecting with peace people. And so I did
get this job and I was driving a lot, and
I remember this because this set me off. They gpsd
us like I had a GPS in my BlackBerry at
this job where I would go from like physician's office
to physician's office. And I worked for this company and
we did cat scans MRIs and we had multiple locations

(20:21):
and I was contracting with physicians office to refer their
patients to these locations for imaging.

Speaker 2 (20:28):
But anyway, they gpsd me.

Speaker 1 (20:30):
I had gone into a doctor's office and they were closed,
and then I went to another doctor's office and met
with them. And then after that it was lunchtime and
I went to home Goods because I was buying some
It was like, you know, a holiday or something, and
I was buying some little gifts and things for some
of the physicians offices. And I remember my boss called

(20:51):
me and she said, I need to ask you something.
Why were you at this doctor's office for two minutes
and then you were at this other's doctor's office for
two twenty minutes and then you were at Home Goods
for an hour and a half in the middle of
the day. I mean, I remember, I was not doing
anything wrong. I was working and it was lucrative. And
then I went to Home Goods to go get the stuff,

(21:11):
which I was totally allowed to do. And we had
to keep a log of where we were and where
we went. And the gpis dies and I told her
and she's like, well, that's unacceptable. And so after that,
I mean, it was like being micromanaged that majorly. And
I had never been micromanaged my parents. My mom was
pretty controlling, but she was strict, but my parents didn't

(21:33):
micro manage me. And I'm like, I'm trustworthy, Like I
am doing my work, I'm showing up, I'm hitting the pavement,
you know, I'm doing these creative things to market and
connect with people, and you are literally sitting over there
in your office GPS sing me and it infuriated me.
And it was like after that, like I would drive

(21:55):
into a physician's office and whether they were opened or closed,
I would just sit there, like I had to monitor
my day so my GPS didn't reflect anything crazy even
though I was doing my job. But then my job,
I became angry in that job and like it was like,
I don't really like I having a hard time even

(22:17):
encouraging you to send patients to get these scans. While
our location is good, this company is insane. And the
way they're monitoring their people and not trusting their salespeople
that they're paying the numbers should tell the story and
the relationships and the contracts were building, so anyway, you
can see my insanity. And I began to be really

(22:39):
and truly fueled by I'll show you rage anger like
my light, which was this hopefulness and inspiring people and
connecting people, and then me trying to rebuild my life
and my finances and my resources like it. Really, at
some point I was being fueled by so much fear

(23:02):
in a multitude of ways, and a beautiful light in
that darkness. And this was not before it got its darkness,
but the beautiful light in that darkness was I ended up.
I was still networking and job hunting because I knew
that that wasn't the job. And I ended up getting
a job with a hospice. And I have a master

(23:24):
of public health and I was in healthcare, and through
some networking, I ended up with a job in business
development and marketing with a hospice in Houston, in the
Texas Medical Center. And I tell you what, it was
my darkest time, but it also began to open me

(23:45):
up in this really divine way to my calling. Putting
all those puzzle pieces together, people development, organizational development, seeing
the light in people, seeing teams, and hospice. I learned
about interdisciplinary teams.

Speaker 2 (24:03):
And if you've had a.

Speaker 1 (24:04):
Loved one on hospice, and hospice is done well, it
takes the whole interdisciplinary team. It takes the physician, the nurse,
case manager, the nurse that comes into the home, the
social worker, the chaplain, the nurse's aids, and there's like
the admission team, the bereavement department, and then we were

(24:26):
also supporting families and dying patients, and I remember getting
in there and I believed in this organization, and I
was also exposed to a lot of death, and it
was like I was finding my people and growing and
doing something that had a purpose and I was learning,
and so I started to excel and grow in work,

(24:50):
but I was also in this really dysfunctional relationship that
was being perpetuated and conjunct with that, I am also
still drinking at night or numbing out or on the
weekends and burning the candle at both ends. So there's
I'm thriving at work and growing and touching people's lives

(25:14):
and they're touching mine, and at the same time, that
darkness is still raging within me. So while there was
some success and like some beginning of rebuilding, but when
I talk about rebuilding my finances and paying back my
student loans and getting out of debt, I was not

(25:34):
capable of organizing my life and creating day to day
lifestyle healthy routines because at home, I was the relationship
was extremely dysfunctional, and I was dysfunctional, and the person
I was with was dysfunctional, and there it was abusive

(25:55):
and on multiple scales. And then I would show up
to work and love what I was doing. So I
was getting all these mixed signals. I'm sharing the kind
of progression of this dark night for me. So you
all can draw correlations where you may be getting some
light in your darkness, or you may have something that's

(26:15):
your mainstay, like work for me became my mainstay. Like
it was where I could use my talents and my energy.
And it wasn't all roses either. It was hard and
I was climbing. But then at home, I just lived
this different life where my soul was just sad and

(26:35):
unhealed and there was a lot of unreconciled pain, grief, trauma.
And so it starts to snowball and I'm working, you know,
six seven days a week. Sometimes. I had moved up
professionally overseeing operations and clinics and clinical teams. So I'd
moved from marketing and business development into operations and people

(26:57):
development and overseeing like small little in patient units and
things like that. So I'm like, I'm moving up, but
I'm also extremely empty and unhappy. And I say this
often and this may resonate with you, but my insides
did not match my outsides. And the polarity was becoming

(27:21):
increasingly more drastic, and the tension, it was like I
was pulling on a rubber band between my outer persona
and what was going on in my inner life, and
it was like I was pulling so tight on that
rubber band. At some point it was going to snap.

Speaker 2 (27:39):
I was going to snap. And I was.

Speaker 1 (27:41):
Becoming more volatile for my alcoholism, which was really becoming unmanageable.

Speaker 2 (27:48):
It had been unmanageable for.

Speaker 1 (27:49):
A while, but it was becoming destructive, you know, and
like pouring out of my cells and my being and
my eyes the light and my eyes was starting to
turn off, and it was coming out sideways in a
multitude of ways.

Speaker 2 (28:06):
And I know in.

Speaker 1 (28:08):
That story, and there were probably a year and a
half of the darkness. The darkest time was me drinking
and I could have one drink or I could have
ten drinks, and you didn't know what you would get.
It was like Russian roulette and I would literally black
out and no telling what would happen. And I've shared

(28:31):
this before, and I'm so grateful today for this time,
and I'm grateful I lived through it because I tried
to commit suicide multiple times and would black out and
what would happen Because I am a channel and I
have these psychic energies and they had always been there,

(28:52):
but it was almost like the darkness took over. But
when I would drink and black out, I would go
into trance channeling oftentimes, and my mom and the guy
that I was with witnessed this where my eyes would
shift like kind.

Speaker 2 (29:08):
Of like the Exorcist.

Speaker 1 (29:10):
I mean, I'm not joking, And for my mom, who
isn't here today to tell this story, and she's told
this story to other people, I would just shift and
I would start channeling dark language very emphatically and articulately,
and I would become violent and then I would wake
up the next morning. It was like, I mean, I

(29:33):
really truly know that I was. I had a ton
of entity possession because my immune systems were so shattered mentally, emotionally, physically, energetically,
I was so susceptible and the signal I was sending
out even though in my heart, I'm like, I'm light,
I'm loving, I'm capable, I'm intelligent.

Speaker 2 (29:52):
I have God given gifts.

Speaker 1 (29:53):
But why like, why are people not seeing it?

Speaker 2 (29:56):
Why am I not happy?

Speaker 1 (29:57):
Like there's just desperation and pain, and then I don't
know how to ask for true help. That was the
other thing is I was so proud and determined. There
would be times I'd break down and ask for help.
Then the next day I'd get up and say I'm good,
I got it, this won't happen again, or I'm fine,
or I have a really busy week at work. You know,
the excuses would pile on, or I'd be like, well,

(30:21):
let me get a new outfit, you know, I don't
know anything, or a new vehicle or anything to mask
my pain. And by the way, all of this time,
my finances are I am becoming more in debt. I
have credit card debt because I have no concept of
money management. Nothing is coming out functional. The wheels are

(30:43):
coming off right of my life in every which way,
And I was becoming the person I was afraid of becoming,
which was people are going to see me as a
mess of failure, incapable, incompetent. All of my darkest fears
was that I was an impossible or I was insignificant,
or I was weak, and I was becoming that and

(31:04):
it was becoming obvious, like I was becoming disheveled, in
every aspect of my life. And then I'm also having
these episodes more often than not where something would take
over my body, and it was taking over more and more,
and then I wake up the next day in complete

(31:25):
despair and horror, not remembering my actions or what went on,
and then masking it and moving forward. A series of
drastic events and episodes happened. One of those, and probably

(31:46):
the most terrifying for my mother was she lived in
this high rise in Houston, and she lived on the
sixteenth floor, and she had this great balcony and I
would go spend night with her sometimes and be myself
for a little bit and then turn into a crazy person.
And she had to deal with that on and off,

(32:06):
and it was the most Remember how I said, for
the people we love when we're going through this darkness,
it impacts them, because she was probably the most directly
impacted because she felt helpless. Even though she's saying, you
need to get help, or what can I do? She
didn't have the tools and resources or know how to

(32:27):
help me. She was doing the best she could, but
she was loving me through all this madness and insanity.
But I was at her house one night and that
light bulb flipped after a bottle of wine or whatever
I had had that evening. We had had a lovely evening,
I think in the beginning. And then at some point
I end up. She had this high top table on

(32:48):
her little balcony and these high top chairs, and I
ended up with one foot on her railing and one
foot on this high top chair, and I am screaming
and raging and yelling and saying I'm going to jump.
My life is worthless.

Speaker 2 (33:07):
I also said.

Speaker 1 (33:08):
Some horrific things to her, because she recounted that to
me about my father and my father dying and like
the ugliest, angriest stuff. And in the midst of that,
the chair collapsed like the chair I was. It was uneven,
and I fell into her balcony versus over the balcony,

(33:32):
and she said she had just started to back away
because she was afraid if she had moved towards me,
I would jump because I was threatn I mean, I
was out of my mind, and I fell inwards, and
you know, she put me to bed, and she didn't
sleep all night. To tell you how insane things were
and how heavy it was. That next morning I knew

(33:54):
that something really bad had happened, and I somewhat recalled it,
but I also said, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry
for it, acting that way like I'm so sorry I
scared you. I've got a head to work. She was
in utter terror and fear, and she was drastically impacted
by it, and yet I got up and tried to
make excuses and say, I'm so sorry for that. We'll

(34:16):
talk about it later, it won't happen again.

Speaker 2 (34:18):
I'm fine.

Speaker 1 (34:19):
And then that sort of stuff continued for about a year.
There are so many things like that that happened in
a very short period of time, in a year's time,
where it got darker and heavier and scarier. But for
the grace of God, I am alive and well to
tell the story. And I did not kill or injure

(34:42):
someone else through my behaviors and my actions. But everything
kind of came to a head Mother's Day of twenty thirteen.
Mother's Day was on a Sunday, and on Saturday, I
remember I was invited to a party and I had

(35:03):
been trying to stop drinking, and I remember thinking, if
I go to this party, I'm gonna drink, and I
don't want to drink because I don't know how I
behave when I drink, and it could be crazy, and
I don't I'm afraid. But we went to the party anyway,
and I wasn't going to drink, and then at some
point I did, and.

Speaker 2 (35:24):
I was correct. I assaulted a woman.

Speaker 1 (35:27):
They were gonna call the cops on me, and I
had a cute dress on, because if my outsides look okay,
then my insides are okay.

Speaker 2 (35:33):
And I mean it, like.

Speaker 1 (35:34):
The woman that owned the home that we went to,
and there were children and families there, and I became
a crazy person and hit someone, like the insanity. I'm
sharing this with you because and I'm laughing about it
because it's not funny, but it's because, oh my gosh,
I should be dead or I could have killed someone.

(35:56):
And that next morning I woke up in the bed
in my home with the guy that I was still with.
This is two thousand and thirteen, so do that masth
into two thousand and eight to twenty thirteen. This dark
night of the soul that just continued to get darker
and darker, had this point of desperation and despair. If

(36:18):
you're going through a dark night of the soul, their
spirit and God and your gods and your soul is
always there. And a lot of people who are going
through dark nights of the soul are like angry at
God or their higher power or God has abandoned me.
And I was angry, but I don't remember being angry

(36:39):
at God, because I'm like, I know there's something bigger
there and I can connect with it, but I couldn't
change my behavior and make the decision to receive help
and change my behavior to start to heal. And when
I woke up that morning and my mom was in
the bed next to me, you know there was going

(36:59):
to be an in and there was, and she said, hey,
like you need to get up and brush your teeth
and come downstairs, like we need to have a talk.
And that literally I remember pulling myself up out of
bed and what I was going to say about this,
So let me tie it in because this is really
important about looking for and connecting the dots where the

(37:21):
light shines through. A year prior to that, I was
sitting on my sofa in my house and it was
a Sunday morning. There's that Sunday morning again, right, I
was sitting on my house It was a Sunday morning.
I was watching Super Soul Sunday. It was twenty twelve.
I was watching the original airing of this episode of
Super Soul.

Speaker 2 (37:41):
Sunday.

Speaker 1 (37:42):
Oprah Winfrey was interviewing Eon La Van's ant and Ianla
was talking about pain and trauma and life and breakdowns
and all the things, and in that she's talking about
it and saying, this stuff happens. And one of the
most beautiful things she said, and we will link this

(38:04):
clip in the show notes because it's one of those
clips where I felt this surge of light come through me.
And she said she was talking about all of her
darkness and pain. She lost a daughter, she had an
alcoholic parent, I mean, all sorts of just trauma that
she had been through and pain and everything stacked against her.

(38:25):
And she's talking about her dark night of the soul
and how it broke open the light and she talks
about surrender, and I remember her saying, you know, she says,
like God says, hey, Yonline, come over here before I
incarnate it down. Come over here. I've got a big
job for you. You're gonna go down into this life

(38:46):
and you're gonna experience this pain and this trauma and
like and she said, and God like outlines it.

Speaker 2 (38:52):
God tells us.

Speaker 1 (38:54):
You're gonna go through all this stuff and you're gonna forget.
You're gonna forget who you are, what you're meant to do,
and you're gonna forget me and the light and what
you're capable of. And at some point, in the middle
of the darkness and the desperation, you're gonna remember. And

(39:16):
she said, in that moment, I remembered, and I surrendered.
And she raised her hands up and she said, so
many people think surrendering is a cowering down, but surrendering
is this, It is an opening up. And I was
sitting on my sofa in twenty twelve that morning, and

(39:36):
I felt this surge of energy pushed through me, and
it was like, yes, I am here for something. I madter,
I mean something. All this mess, all this pain, all
this tragedy, it has meaning. It is my story. It
has meaning. But it would be nearly a year before

(39:58):
the empowerment and the decision to make a big change,
to heal, to grab on to hope and faith surged
through me. So that morning on Sunday, Mother's Day of
twenty thirteen, when Mom said, get up, brush your teeth,
and come downstairs. I said, I'll be down in a minute.

(40:18):
And I exhaled, and I just said, I surrender, like
I need a treatment center.

Speaker 2 (40:26):
I need help.

Speaker 1 (40:28):
I don't care what work thinks or anyone thinks of me.
I don't know how to live. I don't know how
to be healthy. And I walked into the bathroom, and y'all,
I like, I was all disheveled, and I was like
a hot mess. Of course, like when I looked in
the mirror, it was tragic. And I weighed like nothing,

(40:51):
and I mean, I just looked gaunt and dark and disheveled.
And I was holding onto the vanity for dear life,
just trying to brush my teeth because I'm shaking, and
you know, there's a hungover and whatever is going on.
And I had bruises on my legs because I had
run through the woods the night before, so I had
cuts and scrapes all over me from my altercations and

(41:13):
whatever I was doing.

Speaker 2 (41:16):
And I was hanging on.

Speaker 1 (41:17):
To the edge of the sink and the vanity, and
I surrender. I need help, Like I need to go
somewhere and get some help, And in that moment, that
energy surged through me, and as terrified as I was,
it was the darkest, lowest point of my life. The

(41:39):
light washed through me and something fundamentally shift and I
was scared to death. I didn't know what to do.
But when I said, I surrender mind body spirit, and
I didn't say mind body spirit, it was just like,
show me. I'm ready. I'm ready to heed the call.
I'm ready to do the work. I'm ready to get honest,

(42:02):
I'm ready to heal. I don't know what the consequences
of my actions are and how I'm going to do it,
but I'm ready take me. And that light surged through
me and I walked downstairs and this intervention was going
on with me, and I was not fighting. I was saying,
I need help. We need to find me a treatment center.
And this is the other thing that happens in the

(42:24):
dark nights of the soul. Oftentimes a mentor or a
guide shows up, and the guide shows up in multiple ways,
like you may have one person that shows up that
really helps you walk your path and is there for you,
or it may be multiple people. But usually there's a

(42:46):
person or a change agent or a catalyst who shows
up the change was happening in me. But I had
a woman who I had met months prior and was
in recot and I reached out to her that day
because she was the only person I could think of
that would get it and would be there. And I

(43:09):
didn't care if there was judgment on the other or
end of the phone, like I was, just like, I
need to reach out there like this impression. Because in
the midst of this intervention, I said, I need to
call this woman because she will know what to do,
and we need to find me a treatment center. And
I remember picking up the phone and calling this woman

(43:29):
and she answered the phone with the most love and
non judgment and sincere open heart. She answered the phone
with the most love and non judgment and sincere open

(43:52):
heart because I said I need help and I need
your help, because she said how are you And I
said I'm not okay, and she said, well, tell me
what's going on. And I said I need help, that
I'm ready for help. And in a very short period
of time that was on a Sunday, I was admitted

(44:12):
to a treatment facility about three hours away. On Monday,
I told work, I called the woman I assaulted the
night before to tell her I was going to get help,
just to address that. Like things started happening, and I
go to treatment. And in the midst of taking that
action step and sincerely asking for help in my heart

(44:35):
and surrendering and then reaching out to someone and becoming willing,
open and willing to receive help, the light started coming in.
The doors started opening. The evidence of God and the
divine orchestration of things that was there all along that

(44:55):
was too difficult to see in my insanity absurdity started
shining through, and the balls started rolling. And that year
forward was the most challenging and brilliant year of my
life because I confronted. I began to look at who

(45:19):
I was, who I had become, and all of the
darkness within me started to rise to the surface, to
begin to understand, to heal, to examine, not on my
own but with the help of a multitude of other people.
And this story is much more detailed in my recovery journey,

(45:43):
but it was a recovery of my soul. It was
what was all this treasure hidden in the center of
this darkness, like this nucleus of diamond white essence was
buried in the darkest part of my life. And if
you are struggling right now, if you're going through a
dark night of the soul or it is just one

(46:06):
of those dry deserts, remember that walking into the darkness,
confronting the fears. When I talk about making fear inventories,
when I get very clear on where and how darkness
is showing up. And when I talk about darkness, I'm
not talking about evil and scary stuff. I am talking

(46:31):
about self pity and anger and rage and manipulation and
all of those emotions that start to build up. And
it's like they build plaque around this diamond essence of
our soul if they are not continually faced and looked

(46:54):
at and alchemized. And when I say alchemy, alchemy is
taking a base substance and transmuting it into something higher.
So an actual alchemist would take a metal and turn
it into gold or something like. That's what you're doing,
is you're taking a base frequency and you're transmuting it

(47:16):
into something higher. And what I know from my experience
in that darkest time is when I truly surrendered and
invited the light in, and then I was willing to
do the work because it takes action. If you're in
a dark night of the soul, the surrender, the honesty

(47:38):
that comes, and the freedom that comes in God, I
can't do this, Soul. I can't do this, Universe, I
can't do this.

Speaker 2 (47:47):
Help me.

Speaker 1 (47:47):
I'm ready, like a sincere opening that is freeing and terrifying.
You match calamity with serenity, and there is some kind
of fusion point between the calamity and the serenity that
creates a quantum space, a quantum fissure. Time stands still.

Speaker 2 (48:10):
One of my.

Speaker 1 (48:11):
Favorite quotes about the dark night of the soul comes
from Joseph Campbell, and what he says is the dark
night of the soul comes just before revelation.

Speaker 2 (48:23):
And that's what happened.

Speaker 1 (48:24):
I had this spark of revelation that I told you
with Super Soul Sunday, but I was not ready. I
was not ready.

Speaker 2 (48:33):
He says.

Speaker 1 (48:33):
The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation,
when everything is lost and all seems darkness. Then comes
new life and all that is needed. And in that
moment in twenty twelve, there was this moment of revelation.
But for some reason, my testing my story, in my mind,

(48:55):
in my rational mind, I hadn't lost enough, had lost everything.
When everything is lost and all seems darkness, so I
would trek another year and it would get darker and
I would lose more things, because I'm that stubborn and
that full of self will that like, I wasn't ready yet,
And that morning at my sink, with my shaking body,

(49:19):
spirit and hands, it was like, I'm ready, like I
have lost it all. And immediately it was like, who
do you call? You call this woman and you've got
to go to a treatment Like that, everything started flooding
in and I had enough willingness and courage. Dark Knights
of the Souls, when the light starts to come through,

(49:42):
when your spirit is at your weakest, it's actually at
its strongest. Think about that. When you think you are
so broken, desperate and in utter despair and it feels
like your spirit the light is dim, it is like
a tiny little ember, a tiny little spark. And if

(50:03):
you go in and you surrender and you ask for
the help, and then you are willing. If I was
willing and I took steps, I reached out, I asked
for help and sincerely, like I was ready and I
was terrified. It took courage to face myself, my actions,
the consequences of my actions. And like I said, the

(50:25):
year that ensued was the most terrifying and beautiful because
it was one day at a time, a step at
a time, one amends one change of behavior consistently. And
if you've listened to this podcast, one of the things
I hammer in is consistency. What is rewarded in the
revelation of the darkest night When you feel like you're

(50:49):
at your lowest, the new life starts to come in,
like Joseph Campbell says, and everything that is needed, all
the tools, people, resources, But our responsibility is to heed
the calls and to respond to what shows up, which
sometimes means consequences. It means breakups of unhealthy relationships, toxic environments,

(51:14):
changing your people, places and playpen And yes we have
family and certain people that are in our lives, but
is changing relationships dynamics and the power that light that
little ember that starts to kind of spark a fire
and it starts to grow, is fueled by hope and trust.

(51:36):
But the action we choose to take consistently around taking
accountability for ourselves, our attitudes, actions, behaviors the consequences of that,
and owning our side of the street and quit blaming
anyone else, blaming the trauma, blaming the pain, and yes,
the trauma and the pain and the injustice and the

(52:00):
the unfair circumstances or lack of resources or a good
parent or food on the table, like whatever your circumstances are.
It is about not blaming the circumstances, but taking the
circumstances and then be finding that sovereignty, finding that empowerment,

(52:22):
and really owning the whole story. God either is or
God isn't. Everything is exactly how it's supposed to be.
So how am I going to respond. I'm going to
show up and give it to God, and I'm going
to show up honestly, take accountability with courage, and I
am going to be who I am. My insides will

(52:44):
match my outsides. I am going to suit up, show up,
and show up authentically. And the second part of that,
and I will do a little follow up to this,
and I'll talk about the spiritual awakening and how those
two things really really connect. The polarities interconnect. What I
know is that when the light comes in and the

(53:07):
decision to receive help human resources and divine resources alike,
and then consistently taking accountability, regaining clarity, health while being sovereignty, empowerment,
trust all the things that are broken through our circumstances,
pains and traumas, and not blaming them, just being fiercely

(53:29):
determined that we are worthy, we are capable, and we
can heal the resources. Everything we need shows up. So
whatever you're walking through, whether it is literally you are
in your darkest night right now and desperate, you've lost
a loved one and you don't know how to go on,

(53:49):
you have lost a job and it feels like everything
is being ripped away, or you're in one of those
like I said, you go back into the cave where
every gets messy for a season and it's hard and
it's hard to find the consistency and the traction. Wherever
you are it is valuable, and your light, that little

(54:13):
tiny spark, that tiny ember down there, if you can
reach in and grab it and shoot it up higher,
surrender it up and then make a decision that you're
here to be empowered and heal. The resources will come,
and they do come a day at a time, like

(54:35):
putting one foot in front of the other, but finding
ways to ask for help and then take the suggestions,
begin to reclaim your sovereignty through consistency of self care,
personal and spiritual development. Because everyone is unique and meant

(54:58):
for something in this energy, in humanity, and whatever your
story is, it's epic, right, And I've talked about us
being in these times that are mythic and epic. That's
what the next couple of years are. They're gonna have
some darker nights of the soul or revisiting of the

(55:21):
darkness and the cave. I can feel it, and I
can have my moments of pity and doubt and worry
and messiness, but I like them to just be moments,
or just be a couple of hours in old space
and then get back into some sort of solution. So, like,
what do I do with all this? Okay, I resonate,
I get it.

Speaker 2 (55:40):
I'm not alone. This stuff is scary. What do you
do next?

Speaker 1 (55:45):
You start by getting still, Just get still, breathe and
say I'm ready for some help. I'm ready for some solution.
I'm ready for some new tools. Show me what to
do next, and just start by sincerely saying I know
my light can be bigger than this and is worth

(56:06):
more than this, And all of these outer circumstances that
are creating limitation, resistance, pain, fear, heaviness, darkness, depression, you know, addiction,
toxic relationships, all of the stuff whatever is around and
coming down on you. Literally just say, all of this
stuff is not in vain, show me the way forward.

(56:28):
And after you take a minute, you take a breath,
you breathe, ask for that surrender. You step out of that.
And one of the things that you can do is
you say, what would be the healthiest thing for me
to do for the next week, Like what is one practice?

(56:49):
And maybe that practice is you get a good night's
sleep for the next seven nights, you go to bed
at an early time. Maybe, if you do have an
addiction or something, you seek some recovery and you find
some kind of meeting that supports you. Maybe if you're
in a toxic or an unhealthy relationship, you say, who

(57:11):
do I know who has a healthy relationship with their
spouse or their partner that I could trust, That I
could say, hey, do you have time to have coffee
with me and give me some support. Maybe you go
see a therapist and you commit maybe you start exercising,
because for you, this dark night of the soul is

(57:33):
weight and body image and insecurity. And maybe it's you
go try some different classes and put aside your money.
Maybe it's professional and financial and you hate your job
and it feels like the weight of the world is
on your shoulders. Will you show up to work? But
today you start working on your resume And then you say,

(57:53):
who can I start networking with? Who can guide or
mentor me in this and give me some support the
many ways, but the deal is asking for the help,
surrendering it on the daily and sometimes multiple times a day,
inviting in your higher power, your guides, and truly letting
them guide you. Because when you invite them in, sometimes

(58:14):
they take away stuff from us that we don't need
because they're like, that's obstructing your path. That's obstructing your path.
So this takes courage. This is not this dark night
of the soul business or being at a low point.
It is not for the faine of heart. And you
all are not for the feine of heart. You have
an ever that wants to turn into a wildfire, and
we need wildfires right now. Wildfires of magnetic magical quantum

(58:37):
light and if there was an ever, ever a time
to summon your courage and to seek health, wellness and
well being in a consistent way, and to make the
decision and ask for support, receive it consistently and trust
that it's going to take a little lineer time, like
a day at a time. But I tell you what,
when you start to move forward, the doors open, the

(58:59):
solutions come, and you've got to get out of your
own way. You've got to get out of your stubborn
I don't want to go do that today. It would
be healthy for me, but I'm too tired. It's when
you have to have a little resolve, a little fortitude,
a little doing what you don't want to do but
you know is good for you. So, wherever you are
in your journey right now, one I want you to

(59:20):
know you're not alone. And the fears and the pain
and the uncertainty, the unknown that comes with any kind
of darkness, whether it's the darkest night of your soul
or you're in the cave, uncertainty comes and we feel
out of control. We can control our actions, attitudes, and behaviors,
and if you surrender it to something higher, if you

(59:41):
heed the call if you willingly, diligently, consistently take steps
a day at a time, try it for the next
thirty days. Try something new for the next thirty days
that adds value to your health well being, your spiritual health,
your psychological health, your physical health, and mental health. Figure
out what that is. Ask for help. And if you

(01:00:03):
don't know what it is for you, who can you
ask that may be able to give you some insight
and guidance around resources. The action on our part and
the willingness is what breaks the dam open or adds beautiful,
beautiful gasoline to that fire of light that is hidden

(01:00:25):
under all the darkness. So I'm sitting everybody love, and
if you have stories to share or insights or questions,
because I've given you a really broad, sweeping story personally,
and like I said, I'll follow up with the spiritual
awakening piece of it because and how things click and

(01:00:46):
how doing the hard work a step at a time
sometimes was daunting, but it started to pay off, and
it was like my reservoir of light started to build
and at some point the light took over the and
that light has never really diminished since then. Once I
woke up and I made that decision and surrendered. I

(01:01:10):
have not gone back to sleep. My gifts flooded in
the light, flooded in all of the things within me
that were buried deep down that I knew were there
from the moment I came on to this planet started
to be recovered. What God whispered in my ear, Amanda,
You're gonna have this and this and this, and you're
gonna want to die, and you're gonna do these horrible things,
and you're gonna do these wonderful things, and you're gonna forget.

(01:01:36):
You're gonna forget who you are.

Speaker 2 (01:01:40):
Today.

Speaker 1 (01:01:40):
I'm asking you to remember who you are and remember
where your soul's infinite potential is rooting you on, because
you're worth it and we need your light. All right, everyone,
be well, render it up. Take courageous action, because you

(01:02:05):
are worthy. Thank you so much for listening to Soul Sessions.
If you've got questions, do not hesitate to reach out.
Email us podcast at Soulsessions dot me. If you love
this podcast and you want to hear more, make sure

(01:02:26):
you're following it, liking and subscribing and sharing it with
other people. Send this energy out, share it with other people.
Remember you can always get your dose of Soul Sessions.
New episodes drop on Wednesdays. You can also follow me
on Instagram TikTok it's at soul Pathology, or check out

(01:02:48):
soulopathology dot com. I appreciate you and your life.

Speaker 2 (01:02:52):
Thanks for listening.

All Episodes

Episode Transcript

Host

Amanda Rieger Green

Popular Podcasts

True Crime Tonight

Dateline NBC

Stuff You Should Know

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Navigating the Dark Night of the Soul: A Journey of Healing and Spiritual Awakening