October 29, 2024 • 42 mins
In today’s episode: Taking care of someone (01:48), attributes of being a caregiver (06:11), dedication and selflessness (09:38), Mindful Therapy Group (14:38), after the impact program (19:46), what about the loved ones (20:00), building a network of trusting people (27:33).
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Big Raised Garage Grind. I want to
bring awareness and my voice to something that's meaningful and purposeful,
more than just who's the best football player, who's the
best football team. The intersection between life, football and mental health.
When you need help and you ask for help, you're
operating from a position of power. When you need help
(00:21):
and you don't ask for help, that's the weakness. Now
here's your host, Seahawks legend, Ray Roberts. What is up, fam?
This is Big Raise Garage Grind mental health addition brought
to you by the Mindful Therapy Group and collaboration here
with the Seattle Seahawks. And man, it's been a minute
since we've been in the studio again, but that's a
(00:44):
lot that's happened. I went on an eight day vacation
to Portavarta and it was hot as all get out.
Like I needed some mental health, I needed some therapy
just to get through the heat and all the sweat.
But it was a great time, had a good time there.
And then the Seahawks, you know, bounce back from a
(01:04):
three game losing streak to win a football game. So
that was really cool to be able to see that work.
We've had a traded the linebacker position, so a lot
of things that have happened since our last last show,
But I wanted to spend a little bit of time
today kind of talking about, you know, we do a
(01:25):
lot of talk about the actual person who is in
crisis and mental health crisis, and what are the resources
and how to handle things and the way to think
about it and the approach to take all those different
types of things, and you know, the whole is okay
to be to not be okay, all that kind of stuff.
And I've been wanting to get to this topic for
(01:45):
a little bit, just around what the idea of what
it is to take care of someone if you're the
caregiver or the wife or the or the child or
or the significant other that's taking care of the person
that is or the husband that is taking care of
the person that is suffering, you know, or having a
mental health crisis. And I kind of labeled this whole
(02:08):
talk is getting lost in it all because it is
really easy to do that. And so one of the
things that was really interesting in all the stuff that
has happened since since we last recorded is that yesterday
I got to be the keynote speaker at Evergreen Evergreen
Hospital at their Evergreen Health Foundation's fundraiser raising money for
(02:29):
their hospice care program. And and it's a it's a
community hospital. The program, the hospice care program is a
community service, and so it needs the community to help
sponsor and raise money and provide all the services and things.
And so one of the things I wanted to do
was bring a personalized hospice care because a lot of
(02:54):
times that we think of systems or resources and things,
especially when it comes to a place you got to
leave your house to go to. We just think of
the physical places that is in so the hospital or
hospice care or you know, wherever this place that you know,
even if you're getting therapy, you're usually going to a place,
and so it's easy to kind of forget about the
(03:14):
people in the place that make it all work. And
so what I tried to do yesterday was really paint
the picture of what it's like to be a hospice
care provider. And so as I was doing it, it
made me think about more deeply about what it must
be like or what it is like. I have to say,
because I've experienced it to be in to have a
(03:38):
loved one that is suffering with their mental health and
knowing what to do. The cool thing is that I
got a chance. You know, when people really stand up
for you and do you know, go out of their
way to kind of help you do things and show
up for you, which was the title of my talk
yesterday was the power of showing up. But when people
show up for you, man, you don't always get a
(03:59):
chance to thank them. And so yesterday it was pretty
cool because there were two people in the audience that
I got to think in front of maybe two or
three hundred people, and one of them was Sandy Gregory
who used to work here for the Seahawks. He was
one of the original employees here. And then my ex
wife Beth Roberts. Both of them really helped me get
through this mental health place, the struggle that I was
(04:22):
in so that I can get to the help. So
Beth helped me fill out all the documentation and kept
me kept my head above water. And then Sandy did
a great job of like vetting out all the different
places that I could go to and helping be in
like my go between for the contact with the NFL
because I was just in a place where I couldn't
(04:44):
manage any of that stuff. I think once I tried
to take documents to the hospital to get them filled
out so that I could take my leave of absence
for work, and I think I had to go to
the hospital like four different times because I kept forgetting
to take one document or i'd forget to have them
one piece of it. I would get frustrated because I
didn't understand what the doctor wrote in, so I'd have
(05:05):
to call it. And so I think this one stretch
of road between Woodenville and the Evergreen Hospital, I think
I got two speed tickets because I was flying back
and forth trying to get all this paperwork figured out,
and I was getting frustrated, and I was dealing with
the depression and the anxiety and the panic. So just
the idea of getting out of the house was working
(05:25):
against me, and I really needed someone to kind of
step in and just take charge of it and and
get me to where I needed to go. And Beth
and Sandy were those people for me. And so it
was cool yesterday at this at this event to be
able to have both of them in attendance and then
(05:46):
have them both stand and I could could thank them
for how they showed up for me, And so it
just kind of reiterates this idea even more that you know,
this connection between hospice care, which is kind of like
just a paid caregiver, and I loved ones that have
to help us through some of these difficult times, they
essentially become our caregivers. And so what I did yesterday
(06:10):
is I kind of I just wanted to highlight some
of the attributes that it takes to be a caregiver
in that situation, whether you're the hospice care person or
you're the husband or the wife or the kids. You know,
in my story and then I've told it in the
first couple episodes of this though. But man, like I,
(06:31):
my kids knew that I was struggling, and I don't
think they knew what to do, and I didn't expect
them to know what to do, but I didn't know
how to let them know that I was having a
hard time. You know, my ex wife, you know, knew
that the things I was dealing with, and so I'd
have to call her and tell her, like, hey, I
can't come see the kids tonight because I'm not feeling
good or whatever. And then she had to make up
a story to tell the kids why I couldn't show up.
(06:53):
You know, I don't know what she told them, but
she had to tell them something as to why Dad
wasn't showing up that night, you know. And so then
you start thinking about the burden that she has to
carry to try to come up with a story or
to try to manage what the kids are thinking, are feeling.
And then also, you know, even though Beth and I
are divorced, we're really good friends. And so you know,
I'm sure that she was trying to make sure and
(07:15):
hoping that, you know, I wasn't gonna do something crazy
or you know, what have you. And so that creates
a lot of stress and stuff on the person that
is having to help help you navigate your mental health crisis.
And so some of these attributes that the hospice care
folks show up to show up to work with every
(07:35):
day is some of the same attributes that these people
that are supporting you, helping you, you know, trying to
help you manage your your anxiety or stress and depression
or your crisis, trying to help you get to the resources,
helping you get to your appointments, all these different kinds
of things. Some of these attributes those people still share.
(07:57):
And so I have my notes here from talk and
I was just gonna mention a few of them, and uh,
and I will say that one one of them is
this idea around protection and support, and it takes like
the hospice care people are focusing on confident dignity, whereas
(08:18):
your loved one that is trying to work with you
through the crisis is trying to focus on, you know,
keeping you in a place where you're not gonna hurt yourself,
and then also trying to help you see have hope,
and then also trying to help you find help. And
so that protection and support is a two attributes that
(08:38):
your loved ones are displaying. And a lot of times,
you know, the difference is that you know, with hospice care,
it's a it's a career. It's a job. You have
that thing about you about showing up for other people
but you, but there's a career that you can you're
getting paid to do. It doesn't make it easier, but
you're getting paid to do. It's a job that you have,
whereas if you're a loved one, sometimes man you haven't
(08:58):
signed up for any of it, but you have to
respond to it because this is someone that you care about,
and this is someone that you don't want to see struggling,
and so you have to find it within yourself somehow,
some way to go, like how can I show up
for this person? Uh? And then and then help them?
And unfortunately a lot of times you end up almost
displaying some of the same uh, some of the same
(09:22):
characteristics as the person that is that is going through
the mental health crisis. And so you have to be
aware of that. Uh. And so you know, protection and
support are you know, a couple of things that that
your loved ones are displaying and have in there, you
know that that are showing up for you. And then
it's whole this idea around dedication and selflessness, Like obviously,
(09:43):
you know, if it's your child or your husband, your wife,
or someone that you love a family member, you're dedicated
to wanting them to live their best lives and uh.
And in order to do that in this situation, man,
there has to be a whole lot of selflessness, which
means to me that that this situation is something greater
than yourself, that you're that you're saying, uh, even with
(10:06):
all the stuff that I'm going through, whether you know,
wherever it is that I'm in the in the relationship spectrum,
whether it's husband, wife, significant other, or child or grandparent
or friend or whatever it is, you're you're saying, I'm
I'm kind of putting down part of who I am
and things I have to take care of in order
(10:28):
to take care of this person and to help this person.
So that creates that requires a lot of selflessness and uh.
And whether it's you know, any type of caregiving, whether
it's uh, you know, been a doctor, whether it's hospice care,
or if you're a loved one that's supporting someone, that's say,
it takes selflessness to show up for someone that way,
(10:51):
knowing that at the end of it, like you may
have your own issues or you may not even get
recognized for the work that you've done because sometimes when
you know, I've been in the situation. So there's points
of it when your mindset is, well, if you're my child,
you should do these things. You should do these things
(11:11):
for me. If I'm your dad, you're probably expecting me
to do these you know, to do certain things for you,
and so you put some unreal expectations on the people
around you and uh and not taking into consideration, you know,
what ups and downs that they're going through in their
own lives, and then and then the difficulty it is
for them to see their loved ones struggling. And so
(11:32):
sometimes you got to as the person that is in crisis,
you have to kind of find a place to understand
and recognize that these people that are trying to help
are doing it out of their selflessness and out of
their love and dedication of you. And so I know
it's hard to do it. Like in the middle of
my junk, there's no way out of being able to
have this type of clarity to be able to say, hey,
(11:54):
thank you for doing this, and thank you for doing
that and all these other kinds of things. But when
you get to the other side of it, you have
to find a way to go back and acknowledge what
those people have done for you because because I don't
want to say it's unfair, because life happens, and they
can show up how they want to show up. But man,
I would much rather have people in my corner like
(12:15):
Sandy and Beth than to not have them. And so
it was important for me to find a way to
thank them. So their dedication and selflessness to me was
pretty incredible. And then this other one around resilience and adaptability,
Like when you're suffering in the throes of these mental
(12:36):
health crisis man, minute to minute, hour to hour, moment
to moment, day to day, second to second, things can change.
Like there were moments where I felt like I was
on top of the world, and then there were moments
where I felt like the world was on top of me.
There were times when I was super excited to go
see my kids or to get out the house, and
(12:56):
then in that same moment I couldn't even turn the
doorknob to get out of the door. And so like,
things are changing all the time. Sometimes I would be
on a phone call, you know, for work, and I'm
super excited about something we're doing, and then as soon
as the call would end, I was curled up on
the couch crying, and so like, things are just changing
every second, every minute, every moment. And so the people
(13:18):
that are supporting you, man, they got to have the
resilience to go like, Okay, this is not wearing me out.
I'm going to keep showing up and then they have
to have the adaptability to go like, well, how do
I respond to this? How do I respond to Ray
calling me one minute super excited about coming to seeing
the kids and maybe playing some board games or something,
and then thirty seconds later calling me crying, can't get
(13:40):
out the door, don't know what to do? You know,
all these different kinds of things. So so Beth, and
then the evention of my kids had had to learn
to respond in the moment that way. And it's not
something that I'm super excited about or that don't want
to brag about from on my end, but I am.
I do want to brag about it on their end.
(14:00):
Because they showed up like that every sing It was
unwavering the way they showed up. They never once said hey, Dad,
like you really got to get through this because you're
killing me. Like they never said that. They were just like, hey, man, like,
whatever you need, whatever you need to get to the
next minute, the next next moment, next second, next day,
like whatever you need, we're gonna we're gonna get you there.
(14:20):
And so then it kind of fast forwards me too,
when I actually went to get help and I got
to the after the impact program, in Michigan, And let
me right before we get to that, let me read
this our little sponsorship piece here. Mindful Therapy Group, based
in the Pacific Northwest, is an adverse group of qualified
(14:43):
mental health providers offering both in person and virtual care,
whether it's talk therapy or medication management. You can book
your first visit within one week. Visit Mindful Therapygroup dot
com to start your journey to better mental health today.
And just like I always say, man, Derek and Jessica,
they are just amazing people and we've created like a
(15:04):
really cool friendship. I talked to Derek probably every other day,
whether he's on the road or or he's here in town,
or we just try we stay connected that way. Great people,
great organization, and they're doing great things. So if you
need help, or if you even if you're in a
therapist and you're looking for a way to get your
practice started, uhh, the Mindful Therapy Group can help you
with that too. So reach out to that group for
(15:26):
help with your mental health services as well as if
you're trying to get your get your get your your
own practice started. Being a therapist a great, good group
of people to know. But getting back to the story
when I when I went to the after the Impact
program in UH Manchester, Michigan. I'm not gonna lie like
(15:46):
like when you're in the middle of your stuff, you
feel like you're the only person on the universe that
is suffering this way, and and then when you go
to that place, you think it has to be the
worst suffering in the history of the world. Like I'm
curled up on the couch, I can't get out of
the house, I'm missing time with my kids. I'm really
(16:07):
isolating myself, not really enjoying, you know, enjoying a life
the way I should like even you know the work
I do with the Seahawks, And you guys have heard
me say this before, and and UH and Nasa, my
guy who's who's over here to my left, and he's
the producer on our on our broadcast team, Like he
knows how many times I was coming in hot because
(16:27):
a lot of those times and I didn't tell him
at the time. I was having to talk myself all
the way to the studio or all the way to
the stadium just by saying, get to the door, open
the door, go down the steps. You guys have heard
me say before get in the car, get to the
stop sign, get to the freeway, get to the next exit.
Like I had to really talk myself all the way
to the to the to the games and and be
(16:49):
able to do the work that we have to do.
So I felt like, there can't be another person on
the face of the earth that is feeling this, that
is going that is going through this type of stuff.
But when I got to the After the Impact program, man,
I couldn't have been further from the truth. Not that
it made me minimize what I was going through, but
it just shed a different light on what I was
(17:10):
going through. And so when I get there, I meet
dudes that are There was this one guy who would
just stare out the window the entire time, and I
didn't know what was going on with him. I didn't
know his story. But then when I found out his story,
this is a dude that was like on the verge
of committing suicide and his wife found him writing apology
(17:33):
letters to her and his kids one night, and then
you know, luckily found this program to get him to
So you think about that, You think about a loved
one finding you in the middle of the night because
you hadn't come to bed instead of walking through the
house trying to find you, and they find you, and
they find you writing letters saying I'm sorry. And then
(17:56):
he gets to go off and get surrounded by twenty
four our care therapy safe place, all this kind of stuff,
and then your loved one has to carry all of
that and hold on to all of that and there
and they're back at home trying to be mom or
husband or show up in life the way they have
to show up with with this on their mind. And
(18:16):
so it just got me thinking. While I was there,
you know, I was thinking about my kids. You know.
The time I was there, I think I was there
for my birthday and one other there was one other
celebration that was going on that I missed because I
was there. And then I came home the day before
Father's Day because I didn't want to miss Father's Day
(18:38):
because my youngest son, Price was taking a recruiting trip
to Idaho and it was his first recruiting trip, and
I didn't want to miss it because that's something we
would have we had in common, and so I was
able to kind of rally myself and be ready for that.
But when I went to leave the after the impact program,
you get that you sit down with the therapists and
(18:58):
you sit down with these represents. It is from the NFL,
and they pep you with these questions and they want
to know, you know, what your experience was like and this,
that and the other thing. And then they talked to
the therapist about you know, how did he engage the
program and you know, what was the progress like. And
they're trying to determine a few different things. One if
the program is effective, and then two if you are
in a place where they feel comfortable sending you home.
(19:21):
Because if they don't feel comfortable sending you home, they
will strongly suggest that you stay for a couple more weeks.
So the original commitment is only like two weeks, and
then they can determine if you needed to be there
for thirty days, and then they can determine if you
need to be there any longer. And so when we
got through the whole thing, the one and they asked
me like, well, what can we do to improve the program.
(19:44):
And the first thing that came to my mind was
what about the loved ones? Like what about them? Like
my kids are at home wondering what I'm doing on
a daily basis, how am I doing? Am I going
to come back better? Beth? And Sandy you know, or
checking in on me to see how things are going. Uh.
You know, I had put a lot of strain and
stress on them to kind of help me get to
(20:04):
where I was. And then, you know, in Beth for
even a longer period of time, I started having these
depressive type of episodes the year I retired from the NFL.
And so Beth has been dealing with this for a
very very long time. And uh, and then the anxiety
and panic part just would just would just kind of
grew on top of it. So, uh, she has dealt
(20:25):
with it and seen it for a long time, and
I noted it had like, you know, some negative impact
on her, and uh, and so I asked them, like, well,
what about the loved ones? Like what happens to them?
Like what like what type of support they don't? There
was no program to even you know, maybe have like
a weekend where they get to come in and and
sit with the with their loved one or with the
(20:46):
player and like talk through what they're learning or you know,
understand some of what they're going through. What the therapist
is like but then also have some time for them
to sit with therapists and find like their own rhythm
and their coping mechanisms and figuring out how do they
deal with it and not be traumatized you know, and
have PTSD. You know, like they see me, you know,
act in a certain way and then all of a
(21:07):
sudden they go like, oh, you know, he's back to
where he was or whatever it is. So it's to
me it became important to at least have the conversation
around uh. And and I guess this is more of
like an acknowledgment of those people than it is like
a you know, answers or or or solutions, But it's
(21:30):
more of a just saying like, uh. When you are
in crisis, obviously it's hard to see the work that
people are putting in around you to try to mitigate
what is happening and try to help you get to
a place where you're not harming yourself or causing further
damage to you know, whatever it is that you're that
(21:52):
you're a part of, and those people go unseen. And
you know, if if it was up to me, and
I've had several conversations with the people that ran the
after the Impact Program, trying to figure out how do
we create programming and resources and support for the families.
The NFL in my lifetime, from when I came into
(22:12):
the NFL to now have done a tremendous job creating
wrap around resources for their players, current players and retired players.
As there's actually so many resources that it's sometimes hard
to navigate to figure out which one you should use
because some of them counsel out others, and so you
got to understand, like what's the best option for your situation.
(22:34):
But in none of that are places for the loved ones,
and they are just as much part of the team,
part of your journey, part of part of your success
as the coach, your position coach, as the agent that
negotiates your contracts, as your teammates, they're every bit part
(22:55):
of the team. But then when you get to situations
like this, there really is no place for them to
go to find help that I felt like, obviously they
can go out and find their own help, but I
just feel like, at least in my situation, and I
don't know about other leagues or other jobs and things
like that, but I just felt like the NFL should
(23:17):
have a program that addresses. You know, what the what
the what your loved ones are going through, because at
the end of the day, it takes an emotional toll
on them too, Like they can start to have you know,
you think about think about if you're working your your
nine to five job and you're and you're grinding every
day and then you come home and your loved one
is curled up on the couch and not being like
(23:39):
communicative and not talking to people and isolating and crying
all this stuff, and then you have to deal with that.
And if you have kids, you're having to be you know,
mom or dad to the kids, and or you're the
kids that are having to take care you're an adult
kid trying to take care of your adult parents or something.
So it's uh man, it takes an emotional toll because
(24:00):
that's on top of all the other things that your
life is bringing to you that you're having to find
a way to show up for this, for this uh,
for this loved one, and so uh, you know, when
I think about it, you know, I guess if you
want to give like some some of the solutions to
that would be similar to you know, what you would
(24:21):
what you would be telling the loved one to do that,
you know, reach out for help. Uh, you know, surround
yourself with a team of people that you can then
you know that you can talk to and then uh.
But then it's also important to set boundaries too, so
that like, uh, like I know, my my ex wife,
like I couldn't have twenty four hour access to her,
even though I wanted to call her every single day,
(24:41):
every single minute and be like, you know and just
kind of get her all up in arms, But she
had to create a boundary where you know, I just
I just couldn't have that because it was taking a
toll on her. And so it's important that that you
set boundaries that way so that you can find time
for yourself to decompress. Whether it's a focus group, I
mean not a focus group, maybe it's like a a
(25:05):
specialized group or group of like others that are dealing
with people that are going through a mental health crisis.
Support group. That is what I was trying to come with.
There's different support groups at different hospitals and different organizations
you can find and you can go sit with people
that are in the same situation you are, and you
can have someone that can understand or you can find
(25:26):
other ways to create boundaries or other coping mechanisms for yourself.
And then also you may just have to go get
some you know, get a therapist too, to help you
deal with whatever whatever it is that you're feeling, because
it's easy in those situations to feel like you're not
getting you, that you're not helping at all, that you
don't see it improving. And so then there's a certain
(25:47):
amount of guilt that you would probably carry around that, like, man,
I'm not doing enough or why can't Why isn't what
I'm doing helping, you know? And then and so you
have to deal with that. And so I would say
in those situations like, man, you need a lot of
self compassion. There's only so much you can do. Uh,
you know you can you can choose to do as
much or as little as you want, and that you
(26:09):
should always know that too. This and you're not obligated
to do any of it, even though it feels like
an obligation. Uh. But the but when you do it,
just make sure you create those boundaries and have some
self compassion so understand that you don't have the answers
to it all, that it's not necessarily your problem to solve.
But if you're choosing to help, you know, you're you're
(26:29):
trying to help them get to the services and and
things that they need so that they can get on
with their lives and overcome some of this stuff. Uh.
And then also like, uh, you know, I've met loved
ones before and we talk about, uh, someone that they
love having this mental health crisis and they almost talk
(26:51):
about it in a whisper because they don't want people
to know. And so there's like a stigma around it.
So they don't want they don't want their friends to know,
they don't want their maybe some of their family other
family members that know. And so there's a stigma around,
you know, mental health that that kind of keeps people
keeping it in the dark. And so if you're keeping
(27:11):
the whole conversation in the dark, then you're also living
in the dark, and you're having to go through ways
to come up with excuses why you can't do certain
things or or why you can't do something because the
loved ones mental health crisis is flared up. And so
so that kind of living in the dark and living
with that stigma too also has its own issues as well.
(27:33):
And so it's important to kind of build a network
of trusting people that you can talk to. I think
one of the coolest things that for me, and I'm
gonna and I say this just because I think everybody
should have this no matter what you're doing, no matter
what the situation is, whether you're happy, is all get
out or sad? Is all get out or anywhere in between?
Is that man. I came out of this after the
(27:55):
Impact program with these two dudes that were in the
program with me, that, man, we are as as close
as we could possibly be because we have a shared
journey and one lives in Texas, the other one lives
in California. I live here in Seattle. But we probably
text each other every other day. We check in with
each other, We you know, ask for prayer. We try
(28:18):
to get on a zoom call at least once a
month so we can actually see each other. But just
having that network of people, having that kind of social
network of people, it just kind of helps me when
I when I'm in a place where maybe I'm I
don't necessarily want to have to explain what I'm feeling
or what I'm going through to someone because these dudes
(28:40):
just kind of there's just certain things I can say,
certain things that they can say that I just know, Okay,
this is this is how I need to show up
for this person today, or they know how to show
up for me. So for for an example, for me,
if I all I got to do is say, man,
I'm I'm uber eating a lot, and they know that
that means that I'm I'm off my square because I
try not to. I try took my own food and
(29:00):
be healthy and all that kind of stuff. And when
I'm overeating, that means I'm not doing that. And so
then they'll just they know exactly what to do. They don't,
you know, beat me up over that. They just start
going to hey, hey, are you getting your walks in?
You know, are you getting to the to the little
vegetable stand up the road? Like they know all the
different things. What is your routine like, are you you know,
(29:22):
are you getting your workouts? And all these different things,
So they know exactly what to go to when they
hear those key phrases that tell that tell them like, yeah,
I'm a little bit out of sync. And so it's
really good that they that they know me that well.
And so I would encourage the caregivers or the loved
ones who are who are having to deal with someone
in a mental health crisis to create the same type
(29:42):
of of of support network. Uh So, do you have
people that are not judging what you're feeling, They're not
judging your loved one, They're just simply there to understand that,
like you're in this moment, and they know exactly what
to do and how to show up for you in
those moments. And then uh, and then I would just
encourage that person to be open even with their loved
(30:05):
one that is in crisis about you know, you know
when in the appropriate time, how is how you've been
impacted by it, and why it's important that you both
get the help that you need so that this doesn't
become like a snowball effect. And as this this crisis
is rolling downhill, it's just chewing up everybody in his path,
and so at some point you want to you want
(30:25):
to stop that snowball effect so it doesn't impact everybody.
And part of that is having the loved one say
in a moment of clarity, like hey, this is what's
going on, and to kind of shed light on why
a person needs to get to help or why they
need to dig deeper into the therapy, you know, because
for I kind of resisted therapy for a while because
(30:46):
I didn't I had some bad experiences with therapy, and
so it was kind of I didn't know what I
was going to do. But Beth and Sandy cap encouraging
me to take the step and give it another try,
and I'm so glad that they did. And then I
would also say that the both the loved one and
they're they're just like me. Like when I'm like in
(31:10):
the throes of anxiety or panic or depression and I'm
trying to, you know, work my way out of it,
you have to count the small victories. And so it's
the same for the caregivers and the loved ones as
you have to count small victories. I know that a
lot of times, as when you're trying to help, you
want that you want to find that magic pill that
you're going to drop into water and when it dissolves,
(31:33):
everything is going to be fine. And a lot of
times it takes a lot of those magic pills. And
so you have to count all the small victories. If
if your loved one is able to uh, you know,
get through the day, and not be impacted by their crisis.
If they're able to get out of the bed, if
they're able to get out, get out the door, if
they're able to sometimes it impacts your diet. So if
(31:54):
you're if you're able to eat, if you're able to sleep,
all those little things, you have to count all those
little victories. And so as the support of that, you
too count all your small victories, like if you're if
you're able to communicate with your loved one, if you're
able to have a conversation that brings you clarity, if
you're able to find the support group, if you're able
(32:14):
to uh make headway on helping this person get down
the road. So like for Beth, Beth was very good
with the paperwork and all this other kind of stuff,
but we didn't quite know where to go. And so
then Beth said, well, I'm going to reach out to Sandy.
And so you know, Beth didn't have the answer for
(32:34):
where I needed to go, but she knew she found
a small victory in reaching out to Sandy because then
Sandy had all the information about all the different things
that are available for former players and the places you
can go and all that kind of stuff. So all
of those things were like small victories that added up
to me being able to get to where I needed
to go. And so it's important as a as a
(32:55):
caregiver or a loved one of someone that is in
crisis that you count your small victories too, because the
thing is, you don't want to be overwhelmed by the
situation and then you are in the throes of depression
and stress and anxiety and panic and all those kinds
of things. And so it's setting the boundaries, being open
(33:16):
about what's what's going on, having a network of of
of friends and people that you can that you can
talk to, reaching out for you, having your own therapist
if that's if that's something you need. All those things
are things you can do as a loved one, uh
to kind of manage your own uh the way you've
(33:37):
been impacted by someone that's in a mental health crisis,
because it's not it's not easy, man, I promise you,
Like I can't. I can't imagine what my kids or
what Beth was going through when I was going through it,
because it was just it was just so different from
who I am, Like they've never known me to be
(33:58):
the dude that kind of closes up in the house
and doesn't do anything and doesn't talk to anybody. And
I mean, if you know me, I'm gonna talk to anybody.
Like like I said, I loved meeting people, and I
was not doing any of those types of things. And
then I was calling them in crisis and crying and
stuff all the time. And so and at the time,
when you're in the middle of it, man, you're not
really thinking about the impact that's having on the people
(34:19):
that you're reaching out to. You're just thinking about the
darkness that you're in. And and so I think when
I when I was able to get removed from that
darkness and have clarity of my own, I could really
see how it was impacting the people around me. And
so it was important to me to voice that to
the NFL. And I don't know that they came up
(34:41):
with any solutions, but I do know that I keep
having a conversation with everybody in the NFL offices that
I can that I can get in touch with about
trying to find some services that family members and loved
ones that are that are working with some of these
players that have mental health crisis can go too, because
it does become a family thing, you know, and even
(35:04):
when like whether regardless of how you end up having
to retire, whether it's injury related or you're just not
good enough related, or you or as you just know,
it's your time. You've been there forever, whether it's three years,
thirteen years, or seventeen years. Like at some point you
(35:24):
go like this is enough. You're not the only one retiring,
Like you're like, you're the one that's not showing up
at that job anymore, but you're everyone is connected to you,
Like in your immediate family that you spend time with
on a daily basis, those people are retiring from that too.
There's a lifestyle that they're used to. There's a rhythm
that they're used to. There's a you and a personality
(35:47):
that you present when you're in those spaces that they're
used to. And some of that is a lot of
that goes away, you know, and so it has an impact.
And now you throw on top of that that you leave,
you know with some type of mental health crisis. Is
then that multiplies that or you know, like with some
of this CTE stuff that is you know, you know,
(36:10):
information and research around that kind of stuff. If those
types of things are popping up and you're having to,
as a loved one, help your person deal with all
of that when they're in the middle of crisis. Because
I will say this, with all of the resources at
the NFL offers, sometimes it's hard to navigate because you're
(36:32):
trying to navigate it in crisis, and when you have
to flip through four or five different pages or links
and whatever, you get lost in all of that and
then you just give up on it. And so if
there was one thing I would say to UH too
people that have services like that, or or other organizations
and companies that have mental health services for their employees, Man,
(36:56):
learn it. When you have clarity, learn all the different
and even write the steps down of if this happens,
I'm calling this person, I'm reaching out to that organization,
I'm clicking on this link, like write down the phone numbers.
Because when you're in the middle of it, man, it
is so hard to just stay focused and stay clear,
(37:17):
and then it gets all you know, you get frustrated
with the people that are trying to help you. So
just I would say for all involved, whatever services are available, man,
make sure that you know exactly what you're gonna do
before you get into the crisis, because once in the crisis,
it can be hard. It's hard to see two feet
in front of you. So that would be some advice
(37:37):
I would give to everybody. And so, like I said,
this was a part of a talk that I had
yesterday at the Evergreen Health Foundation's fundraiser, and it just
got me thinking about you know, this whole caregiver space
that we at some point in our lives. We all
kind of living at space for somebody for the most part,
(38:00):
and so it's important that as the caregiver that you
find space, create boundaries, find someone to talk to, have
therapy of your own. And then and then also I
would encourage you to, as best you can to always
keep an eye on hope, because when you lose hope,
(38:21):
that's when it that's when it goes down for everybody.
And so and sometimes your loved one needs someone that
can carry the hope, and and then you need to
hope for yourself. And so I would encourage you to
stay hopeful, count the small victories, build a support group,
encourage your openness with the person that you're having to
(38:41):
take care of. And then as I close here, I
just want to say thank you, thank you to all
those people that have showed up in the lives of
other people who are suffering, because at the end of
the day, man like the thing. To me, it cuts
through politics, It cuts through race, it cuts through class,
(39:05):
it cuts through identity, it cuts through any of the
other issues and topics that you want to talk about.
Is when you can see the humanity of another person.
And so when you show up for the humanity of someone,
none of that stuff matters, And to me, that's what
should matter most. And so when you're a caregiver, when
you're a loved one showing up for someone who is
in crisis, you are seeing the humanness of who this
(39:28):
person is. And so that is what's allowing you to
show up in those moments and be strong when they're weak.
And then I think it's important then that you get
acknowledged for that, because that's a choice that you make.
Sometimes you're kind of forced into it, but even when
it feels like you have no other choice but to
do it, it's still a choice because you can choose
(39:51):
not to do it. And so I just want to
elevate those people and acknowledge those people that have had
to do that in their lifetime, no matter what the
situation is or how it is that they're having to
show up. And there, you know, I did this whole
deep dive on this whole concept of the power of
showing up, and power is you can be defined as
(40:11):
being able to or having the ability to. And then
the concept of showing up means it just showing up
with like with uh, with intentionality, with purpose and intentionality.
So the power of showing up is the ability to
show up uh with with uh, with purpose and intentionality
for the benefit of someone else. And so it's a
(40:31):
very selfless thing to do. It's a very thing that
can be lonely when you're doing it uh, and you
can be lost in it all, like I said, And
so I just wanted to take this particular episode to
say to those people that showed up for me, including
the broadcast team, NASA, Paul Bumpers, b Walt Turbo, Babinot,
(40:54):
Rabel Wyman, Jim Mueller. Uh. You know a lot of
these people knowed some of the struggles I was going
through and then they just never wavered and they were
always there for me. You know, NASA had to be
when it comes to that adaptability piece. Man Nasa was
like freaking Bear Sanders out there, because there was there
were sometimes where it was just like, man, I don't
(41:14):
know what what Ray's doing, but we're gonna make it work.
And and so I just wanted you never get to
say thank you enough to people like that, and so
that's why I wanted to do this episode, just to
bring attention to that and to acknowledge those people that
do that type of work and show up in the
lives of people like that. So with that, Ben said,
are three different things that we end the show with
(41:35):
all the time. Number one is okay to not be okay.
Number two, if you're in the midst of a mental
health crisis, you or your loved ones can reach out
to your medical provider for help and assistance and direction.
And then number three, if you're if you need help
and you ask for help, you're operating from a position
(41:56):
of power. So Big Ray from Big Ray's Garage Grind
Mental Health Edition looking forward to having a few more
of these over the next few weeks. Hope you guys
tune in, Hope you like them. Please comment, you know
what you like, what you don't like, If you have
any success stories, all those types of things, or reach
out if you need help, reach out to the Mindful
Therapy group. I'm not a therapist, so I can't help
(42:17):
you with those things, but I can't point you in
the right direction. So once again, Big Raised Garage, Grind
met Health Edition Peace, End them out.
You're listening to Big Raised Garage Grind. I want to
bring awareness and my voice to something that's meaningful and purposeful,
more than just who's the best football player, who's the
best football team. The intersection between life, football and mental health.
When you need help and you ask for help, you're
operating from a position of power. When you need help
(00:21):
and you don't ask for help, that's the weakness. Now
here's your host, Seahawks legend, Ray Roberts. What is up, fam?
This is Big Raise Garage Grind mental health addition brought
to you by the Mindful Therapy Group and collaboration here
with the Seattle Seahawks. And man, it's been a minute
since we've been in the studio again, but that's a
(00:44):
lot that's happened. I went on an eight day vacation
to Portavarta and it was hot as all get out.
Like I needed some mental health, I needed some therapy
just to get through the heat and all the sweat.
But it was a great time, had a good time there.
And then the Seahawks, you know, bounce back from a
(01:04):
three game losing streak to win a football game. So
that was really cool to be able to see that work.
We've had a traded the linebacker position, so a lot
of things that have happened since our last last show,
But I wanted to spend a little bit of time
today kind of talking about, you know, we do a
(01:25):
lot of talk about the actual person who is in
crisis and mental health crisis, and what are the resources
and how to handle things and the way to think
about it and the approach to take all those different
types of things, and you know, the whole is okay
to be to not be okay, all that kind of stuff.
And I've been wanting to get to this topic for
(01:45):
a little bit, just around what the idea of what
it is to take care of someone if you're the
caregiver or the wife or the or the child or
or the significant other that's taking care of the person
that is or the husband that is taking care of
the person that is suffering, you know, or having a
mental health crisis. And I kind of labeled this whole
(02:08):
talk is getting lost in it all because it is
really easy to do that. And so one of the
things that was really interesting in all the stuff that
has happened since since we last recorded is that yesterday
I got to be the keynote speaker at Evergreen Evergreen
Hospital at their Evergreen Health Foundation's fundraiser raising money for
(02:29):
their hospice care program. And and it's a it's a
community hospital. The program, the hospice care program is a
community service, and so it needs the community to help
sponsor and raise money and provide all the services and things.
And so one of the things I wanted to do
was bring a personalized hospice care because a lot of
(02:54):
times that we think of systems or resources and things,
especially when it comes to a place you got to
leave your house to go to. We just think of
the physical places that is in so the hospital or
hospice care or you know, wherever this place that you know,
even if you're getting therapy, you're usually going to a place,
and so it's easy to kind of forget about the
(03:14):
people in the place that make it all work. And
so what I tried to do yesterday was really paint
the picture of what it's like to be a hospice
care provider. And so as I was doing it, it
made me think about more deeply about what it must
be like or what it is like. I have to say,
because I've experienced it to be in to have a
(03:38):
loved one that is suffering with their mental health and
knowing what to do. The cool thing is that I
got a chance. You know, when people really stand up
for you and do you know, go out of their
way to kind of help you do things and show
up for you, which was the title of my talk
yesterday was the power of showing up. But when people
show up for you, man, you don't always get a
(03:59):
chance to thank them. And so yesterday it was pretty
cool because there were two people in the audience that
I got to think in front of maybe two or
three hundred people, and one of them was Sandy Gregory
who used to work here for the Seahawks. He was
one of the original employees here. And then my ex
wife Beth Roberts. Both of them really helped me get
through this mental health place, the struggle that I was
(04:22):
in so that I can get to the help. So
Beth helped me fill out all the documentation and kept
me kept my head above water. And then Sandy did
a great job of like vetting out all the different
places that I could go to and helping be in
like my go between for the contact with the NFL
because I was just in a place where I couldn't
(04:44):
manage any of that stuff. I think once I tried
to take documents to the hospital to get them filled
out so that I could take my leave of absence
for work, and I think I had to go to
the hospital like four different times because I kept forgetting
to take one document or i'd forget to have them
one piece of it. I would get frustrated because I
didn't understand what the doctor wrote in, so I'd have
(05:05):
to call it. And so I think this one stretch
of road between Woodenville and the Evergreen Hospital, I think
I got two speed tickets because I was flying back
and forth trying to get all this paperwork figured out,
and I was getting frustrated, and I was dealing with
the depression and the anxiety and the panic. So just
the idea of getting out of the house was working
(05:25):
against me, and I really needed someone to kind of
step in and just take charge of it and and
get me to where I needed to go. And Beth
and Sandy were those people for me. And so it
was cool yesterday at this at this event to be
able to have both of them in attendance and then
(05:46):
have them both stand and I could could thank them
for how they showed up for me, And so it
just kind of reiterates this idea even more that you know,
this connection between hospice care, which is kind of like
just a paid caregiver, and I loved ones that have
to help us through some of these difficult times, they
essentially become our caregivers. And so what I did yesterday
(06:10):
is I kind of I just wanted to highlight some
of the attributes that it takes to be a caregiver
in that situation, whether you're the hospice care person or
you're the husband or the wife or the kids. You know,
in my story and then I've told it in the
first couple episodes of this though. But man, like I,
(06:31):
my kids knew that I was struggling, and I don't
think they knew what to do, and I didn't expect
them to know what to do, but I didn't know
how to let them know that I was having a
hard time. You know, my ex wife, you know, knew
that the things I was dealing with, and so I'd
have to call her and tell her, like, hey, I
can't come see the kids tonight because I'm not feeling
good or whatever. And then she had to make up
a story to tell the kids why I couldn't show up.
(06:53):
You know, I don't know what she told them, but
she had to tell them something as to why Dad
wasn't showing up that night, you know. And so then
you start thinking about the burden that she has to
carry to try to come up with a story or
to try to manage what the kids are thinking, are feeling.
And then also, you know, even though Beth and I
are divorced, we're really good friends. And so you know,
I'm sure that she was trying to make sure and
(07:15):
hoping that, you know, I wasn't gonna do something crazy
or you know, what have you. And so that creates
a lot of stress and stuff on the person that
is having to help help you navigate your mental health crisis.
And so some of these attributes that the hospice care
folks show up to show up to work with every
(07:35):
day is some of the same attributes that these people
that are supporting you, helping you, you know, trying to
help you manage your your anxiety or stress and depression
or your crisis, trying to help you get to the resources,
helping you get to your appointments, all these different kinds
of things. Some of these attributes those people still share.
(07:57):
And so I have my notes here from talk and
I was just gonna mention a few of them, and uh,
and I will say that one one of them is
this idea around protection and support, and it takes like
the hospice care people are focusing on confident dignity, whereas
(08:18):
your loved one that is trying to work with you
through the crisis is trying to focus on, you know,
keeping you in a place where you're not gonna hurt yourself,
and then also trying to help you see have hope,
and then also trying to help you find help. And
so that protection and support is a two attributes that
(08:38):
your loved ones are displaying. And a lot of times,
you know, the difference is that you know, with hospice care,
it's a it's a career. It's a job. You have
that thing about you about showing up for other people
but you, but there's a career that you can you're
getting paid to do. It doesn't make it easier, but
you're getting paid to do. It's a job that you have,
whereas if you're a loved one, sometimes man you haven't
(08:58):
signed up for any of it, but you have to
respond to it because this is someone that you care about,
and this is someone that you don't want to see struggling,
and so you have to find it within yourself somehow,
some way to go, like how can I show up
for this person? Uh? And then and then help them?
And unfortunately a lot of times you end up almost
displaying some of the same uh, some of the same
(09:22):
characteristics as the person that is that is going through
the mental health crisis. And so you have to be
aware of that. Uh. And so you know, protection and
support are you know, a couple of things that that
your loved ones are displaying and have in there, you
know that that are showing up for you. And then
it's whole this idea around dedication and selflessness, Like obviously,
(09:43):
you know, if it's your child or your husband, your wife,
or someone that you love a family member, you're dedicated
to wanting them to live their best lives and uh.
And in order to do that in this situation, man,
there has to be a whole lot of selflessness, which
means to me that that this situation is something greater
than yourself, that you're that you're saying, uh, even with
(10:06):
all the stuff that I'm going through, whether you know,
wherever it is that I'm in the in the relationship spectrum,
whether it's husband, wife, significant other, or child or grandparent
or friend or whatever it is, you're you're saying, I'm
I'm kind of putting down part of who I am
and things I have to take care of in order
(10:28):
to take care of this person and to help this person.
So that creates that requires a lot of selflessness and uh.
And whether it's you know, any type of caregiving, whether
it's uh, you know, been a doctor, whether it's hospice care,
or if you're a loved one that's supporting someone, that's say,
it takes selflessness to show up for someone that way,
(10:51):
knowing that at the end of it, like you may
have your own issues or you may not even get
recognized for the work that you've done because sometimes when
you know, I've been in the situation. So there's points
of it when your mindset is, well, if you're my child,
you should do these things. You should do these things
(11:11):
for me. If I'm your dad, you're probably expecting me
to do these you know, to do certain things for you,
and so you put some unreal expectations on the people
around you and uh and not taking into consideration, you know,
what ups and downs that they're going through in their
own lives, and then and then the difficulty it is
for them to see their loved ones struggling. And so
(11:32):
sometimes you got to as the person that is in crisis,
you have to kind of find a place to understand
and recognize that these people that are trying to help
are doing it out of their selflessness and out of
their love and dedication of you. And so I know
it's hard to do it. Like in the middle of
my junk, there's no way out of being able to
have this type of clarity to be able to say, hey,
(11:54):
thank you for doing this, and thank you for doing
that and all these other kinds of things. But when
you get to the other side of it, you have
to find a way to go back and acknowledge what
those people have done for you because because I don't
want to say it's unfair, because life happens, and they
can show up how they want to show up. But man,
I would much rather have people in my corner like
(12:15):
Sandy and Beth than to not have them. And so
it was important for me to find a way to
thank them. So their dedication and selflessness to me was
pretty incredible. And then this other one around resilience and adaptability,
Like when you're suffering in the throes of these mental
(12:36):
health crisis man, minute to minute, hour to hour, moment
to moment, day to day, second to second, things can change.
Like there were moments where I felt like I was
on top of the world, and then there were moments
where I felt like the world was on top of me.
There were times when I was super excited to go
see my kids or to get out the house, and
(12:56):
then in that same moment I couldn't even turn the
doorknob to get out of the door. And so like,
things are changing all the time. Sometimes I would be
on a phone call, you know, for work, and I'm
super excited about something we're doing, and then as soon
as the call would end, I was curled up on
the couch crying, and so like, things are just changing
every second, every minute, every moment. And so the people
(13:18):
that are supporting you, man, they got to have the
resilience to go like, Okay, this is not wearing me out.
I'm going to keep showing up and then they have
to have the adaptability to go like, well, how do
I respond to this? How do I respond to Ray
calling me one minute super excited about coming to seeing
the kids and maybe playing some board games or something,
and then thirty seconds later calling me crying, can't get
(13:40):
out the door, don't know what to do? You know,
all these different kinds of things. So so Beth, and
then the evention of my kids had had to learn
to respond in the moment that way. And it's not
something that I'm super excited about or that don't want
to brag about from on my end, but I am.
I do want to brag about it on their end.
(14:00):
Because they showed up like that every sing It was
unwavering the way they showed up. They never once said hey, Dad,
like you really got to get through this because you're
killing me. Like they never said that. They were just like, hey, man, like,
whatever you need, whatever you need to get to the
next minute, the next next moment, next second, next day,
like whatever you need, we're gonna we're gonna get you there.
(14:20):
And so then it kind of fast forwards me too,
when I actually went to get help and I got
to the after the impact program, in Michigan, And let
me right before we get to that, let me read
this our little sponsorship piece here. Mindful Therapy Group, based
in the Pacific Northwest, is an adverse group of qualified
(14:43):
mental health providers offering both in person and virtual care,
whether it's talk therapy or medication management. You can book
your first visit within one week. Visit Mindful Therapygroup dot
com to start your journey to better mental health today.
And just like I always say, man, Derek and Jessica,
they are just amazing people and we've created like a
(15:04):
really cool friendship. I talked to Derek probably every other day,
whether he's on the road or or he's here in town,
or we just try we stay connected that way. Great people,
great organization, and they're doing great things. So if you
need help, or if you even if you're in a
therapist and you're looking for a way to get your
practice started, uhh, the Mindful Therapy Group can help you
with that too. So reach out to that group for
(15:26):
help with your mental health services as well as if
you're trying to get your get your get your your
own practice started. Being a therapist a great, good group
of people to know. But getting back to the story
when I when I went to the after the Impact
program in UH Manchester, Michigan. I'm not gonna lie like
(15:46):
like when you're in the middle of your stuff, you
feel like you're the only person on the universe that
is suffering this way, and and then when you go
to that place, you think it has to be the
worst suffering in the history of the world. Like I'm
curled up on the couch, I can't get out of
the house, I'm missing time with my kids. I'm really
(16:07):
isolating myself, not really enjoying, you know, enjoying a life
the way I should like even you know the work
I do with the Seahawks, And you guys have heard
me say this before, and and UH and Nasa, my
guy who's who's over here to my left, and he's
the producer on our on our broadcast team, Like he
knows how many times I was coming in hot because
(16:27):
a lot of those times and I didn't tell him
at the time. I was having to talk myself all
the way to the studio or all the way to
the stadium just by saying, get to the door, open
the door, go down the steps. You guys have heard
me say before get in the car, get to the
stop sign, get to the freeway, get to the next exit.
Like I had to really talk myself all the way
to the to the to the games and and be
(16:49):
able to do the work that we have to do.
So I felt like, there can't be another person on
the face of the earth that is feeling this, that
is going that is going through this type of stuff.
But when I got to the After the Impact program, man,
I couldn't have been further from the truth. Not that
it made me minimize what I was going through, but
it just shed a different light on what I was
(17:10):
going through. And so when I get there, I meet
dudes that are There was this one guy who would
just stare out the window the entire time, and I
didn't know what was going on with him. I didn't
know his story. But then when I found out his story,
this is a dude that was like on the verge
of committing suicide and his wife found him writing apology
(17:33):
letters to her and his kids one night, and then
you know, luckily found this program to get him to
So you think about that, You think about a loved
one finding you in the middle of the night because
you hadn't come to bed instead of walking through the
house trying to find you, and they find you, and
they find you writing letters saying I'm sorry. And then
(17:56):
he gets to go off and get surrounded by twenty
four our care therapy safe place, all this kind of stuff,
and then your loved one has to carry all of
that and hold on to all of that and there
and they're back at home trying to be mom or
husband or show up in life the way they have
to show up with with this on their mind. And
(18:16):
so it just got me thinking. While I was there,
you know, I was thinking about my kids. You know.
The time I was there, I think I was there
for my birthday and one other there was one other
celebration that was going on that I missed because I
was there. And then I came home the day before
Father's Day because I didn't want to miss Father's Day
(18:38):
because my youngest son, Price was taking a recruiting trip
to Idaho and it was his first recruiting trip, and
I didn't want to miss it because that's something we
would have we had in common, and so I was
able to kind of rally myself and be ready for that.
But when I went to leave the after the impact program,
you get that you sit down with the therapists and
(18:58):
you sit down with these represents. It is from the NFL,
and they pep you with these questions and they want
to know, you know, what your experience was like and this,
that and the other thing. And then they talked to
the therapist about you know, how did he engage the
program and you know, what was the progress like. And
they're trying to determine a few different things. One if
the program is effective, and then two if you are
in a place where they feel comfortable sending you home.
(19:21):
Because if they don't feel comfortable sending you home, they
will strongly suggest that you stay for a couple more weeks.
So the original commitment is only like two weeks, and
then they can determine if you needed to be there
for thirty days, and then they can determine if you
need to be there any longer. And so when we
got through the whole thing, the one and they asked
me like, well, what can we do to improve the program.
(19:44):
And the first thing that came to my mind was
what about the loved ones? Like what about them? Like
my kids are at home wondering what I'm doing on
a daily basis, how am I doing? Am I going
to come back better? Beth? And Sandy you know, or
checking in on me to see how things are going. Uh.
You know, I had put a lot of strain and
stress on them to kind of help me get to
(20:04):
where I was. And then, you know, in Beth for
even a longer period of time, I started having these
depressive type of episodes the year I retired from the NFL.
And so Beth has been dealing with this for a
very very long time. And uh, and then the anxiety
and panic part just would just would just kind of
grew on top of it. So, uh, she has dealt
(20:25):
with it and seen it for a long time, and
I noted it had like, you know, some negative impact
on her, and uh, and so I asked them, like, well,
what about the loved ones? Like what happens to them?
Like what like what type of support they don't? There
was no program to even you know, maybe have like
a weekend where they get to come in and and
sit with the with their loved one or with the
(20:46):
player and like talk through what they're learning or you know,
understand some of what they're going through. What the therapist
is like but then also have some time for them
to sit with therapists and find like their own rhythm
and their coping mechanisms and figuring out how do they
deal with it and not be traumatized you know, and
have PTSD. You know, like they see me, you know,
act in a certain way and then all of a
(21:07):
sudden they go like, oh, you know, he's back to
where he was or whatever it is. So it's to
me it became important to at least have the conversation
around uh. And and I guess this is more of
like an acknowledgment of those people than it is like
a you know, answers or or or solutions, But it's
(21:30):
more of a just saying like, uh. When you are
in crisis, obviously it's hard to see the work that
people are putting in around you to try to mitigate
what is happening and try to help you get to
a place where you're not harming yourself or causing further
damage to you know, whatever it is that you're that
(21:52):
you're a part of, and those people go unseen. And
you know, if if it was up to me, and
I've had several conversations with the people that ran the
after the Impact Program, trying to figure out how do
we create programming and resources and support for the families.
The NFL in my lifetime, from when I came into
(22:12):
the NFL to now have done a tremendous job creating
wrap around resources for their players, current players and retired players.
As there's actually so many resources that it's sometimes hard
to navigate to figure out which one you should use
because some of them counsel out others, and so you
got to understand, like what's the best option for your situation.
(22:34):
But in none of that are places for the loved ones,
and they are just as much part of the team,
part of your journey, part of part of your success
as the coach, your position coach, as the agent that
negotiates your contracts, as your teammates, they're every bit part
(22:55):
of the team. But then when you get to situations
like this, there really is no place for them to
go to find help that I felt like, obviously they
can go out and find their own help, but I
just feel like, at least in my situation, and I
don't know about other leagues or other jobs and things
like that, but I just felt like the NFL should
(23:17):
have a program that addresses. You know, what the what
the what your loved ones are going through, because at
the end of the day, it takes an emotional toll
on them too, Like they can start to have you know,
you think about think about if you're working your your
nine to five job and you're and you're grinding every
day and then you come home and your loved one
is curled up on the couch and not being like
(23:39):
communicative and not talking to people and isolating and crying
all this stuff, and then you have to deal with that.
And if you have kids, you're having to be you know,
mom or dad to the kids, and or you're the
kids that are having to take care you're an adult
kid trying to take care of your adult parents or something.
So it's uh man, it takes an emotional toll because
(24:00):
that's on top of all the other things that your
life is bringing to you that you're having to find
a way to show up for this, for this uh,
for this loved one, and so uh, you know, when
I think about it, you know, I guess if you
want to give like some some of the solutions to
that would be similar to you know, what you would
(24:21):
what you would be telling the loved one to do that,
you know, reach out for help. Uh, you know, surround
yourself with a team of people that you can then
you know that you can talk to and then uh.
But then it's also important to set boundaries too, so
that like, uh, like I know, my my ex wife,
like I couldn't have twenty four hour access to her,
even though I wanted to call her every single day,
(24:41):
every single minute and be like, you know and just
kind of get her all up in arms, But she
had to create a boundary where you know, I just
I just couldn't have that because it was taking a
toll on her. And so it's important that that you
set boundaries that way so that you can find time
for yourself to decompress. Whether it's a focus group, I
mean not a focus group, maybe it's like a a
(25:05):
specialized group or group of like others that are dealing
with people that are going through a mental health crisis.
Support group. That is what I was trying to come with.
There's different support groups at different hospitals and different organizations
you can find and you can go sit with people
that are in the same situation you are, and you
can have someone that can understand or you can find
(25:26):
other ways to create boundaries or other coping mechanisms for yourself.
And then also you may just have to go get
some you know, get a therapist too, to help you
deal with whatever whatever it is that you're feeling, because
it's easy in those situations to feel like you're not
getting you, that you're not helping at all, that you
don't see it improving. And so then there's a certain
(25:47):
amount of guilt that you would probably carry around that, like, man,
I'm not doing enough or why can't Why isn't what
I'm doing helping, you know? And then and so you
have to deal with that. And so I would say
in those situations like, man, you need a lot of
self compassion. There's only so much you can do. Uh,
you know you can you can choose to do as
much or as little as you want, and that you
(26:09):
should always know that too. This and you're not obligated
to do any of it, even though it feels like
an obligation. Uh. But the but when you do it,
just make sure you create those boundaries and have some
self compassion so understand that you don't have the answers
to it all, that it's not necessarily your problem to solve.
But if you're choosing to help, you know, you're you're
(26:29):
trying to help them get to the services and and
things that they need so that they can get on
with their lives and overcome some of this stuff. Uh.
And then also like, uh, you know, I've met loved
ones before and we talk about, uh, someone that they
love having this mental health crisis and they almost talk
(26:51):
about it in a whisper because they don't want people
to know. And so there's like a stigma around it.
So they don't want they don't want their friends to know,
they don't want their maybe some of their family other
family members that know. And so there's a stigma around,
you know, mental health that that kind of keeps people
keeping it in the dark. And so if you're keeping
(27:11):
the whole conversation in the dark, then you're also living
in the dark, and you're having to go through ways
to come up with excuses why you can't do certain
things or or why you can't do something because the
loved ones mental health crisis is flared up. And so
so that kind of living in the dark and living
with that stigma too also has its own issues as well.
(27:33):
And so it's important to kind of build a network
of trusting people that you can talk to. I think
one of the coolest things that for me, and I'm
gonna and I say this just because I think everybody
should have this no matter what you're doing, no matter
what the situation is, whether you're happy, is all get
out or sad? Is all get out or anywhere in between?
Is that man. I came out of this after the
(27:55):
Impact program with these two dudes that were in the
program with me, that, man, we are as as close
as we could possibly be because we have a shared
journey and one lives in Texas, the other one lives
in California. I live here in Seattle. But we probably
text each other every other day. We check in with
each other, We you know, ask for prayer. We try
(28:18):
to get on a zoom call at least once a
month so we can actually see each other. But just
having that network of people, having that kind of social
network of people, it just kind of helps me when
I when I'm in a place where maybe I'm I
don't necessarily want to have to explain what I'm feeling
or what I'm going through to someone because these dudes
(28:40):
just kind of there's just certain things I can say,
certain things that they can say that I just know, Okay,
this is this is how I need to show up
for this person today, or they know how to show
up for me. So for for an example, for me,
if I all I got to do is say, man,
I'm I'm uber eating a lot, and they know that
that means that I'm I'm off my square because I
try not to. I try took my own food and
(29:00):
be healthy and all that kind of stuff. And when
I'm overeating, that means I'm not doing that. And so
then they'll just they know exactly what to do. They don't,
you know, beat me up over that. They just start
going to hey, hey, are you getting your walks in?
You know, are you getting to the to the little
vegetable stand up the road? Like they know all the
different things. What is your routine like, are you you know,
(29:22):
are you getting your workouts? And all these different things,
So they know exactly what to go to when they
hear those key phrases that tell that tell them like, yeah,
I'm a little bit out of sync. And so it's
really good that they that they know me that well.
And so I would encourage the caregivers or the loved
ones who are who are having to deal with someone
in a mental health crisis to create the same type
(29:42):
of of of support network. Uh So, do you have
people that are not judging what you're feeling, They're not
judging your loved one, They're just simply there to understand that,
like you're in this moment, and they know exactly what
to do and how to show up for you in
those moments. And then uh, and then I would just
encourage that person to be open even with their loved
(30:05):
one that is in crisis about you know, you know
when in the appropriate time, how is how you've been
impacted by it, and why it's important that you both
get the help that you need so that this doesn't
become like a snowball effect. And as this this crisis
is rolling downhill, it's just chewing up everybody in his path,
and so at some point you want to you want
(30:25):
to stop that snowball effect so it doesn't impact everybody.
And part of that is having the loved one say
in a moment of clarity, like hey, this is what's
going on, and to kind of shed light on why
a person needs to get to help or why they
need to dig deeper into the therapy, you know, because
for I kind of resisted therapy for a while because
(30:46):
I didn't I had some bad experiences with therapy, and
so it was kind of I didn't know what I
was going to do. But Beth and Sandy cap encouraging
me to take the step and give it another try,
and I'm so glad that they did. And then I
would also say that the both the loved one and
they're they're just like me. Like when I'm like in
(31:10):
the throes of anxiety or panic or depression and I'm
trying to, you know, work my way out of it,
you have to count the small victories. And so it's
the same for the caregivers and the loved ones as
you have to count small victories. I know that a
lot of times, as when you're trying to help, you
want that you want to find that magic pill that
you're going to drop into water and when it dissolves,
(31:33):
everything is going to be fine. And a lot of
times it takes a lot of those magic pills. And
so you have to count all the small victories. If
if your loved one is able to uh, you know,
get through the day, and not be impacted by their crisis.
If they're able to get out of the bed, if
they're able to get out, get out the door, if
they're able to sometimes it impacts your diet. So if
(31:54):
you're if you're able to eat, if you're able to sleep,
all those little things, you have to count all those
little victories. And so as the support of that, you
too count all your small victories, like if you're if
you're able to communicate with your loved one, if you're
able to have a conversation that brings you clarity, if
you're able to find the support group, if you're able
(32:14):
to uh make headway on helping this person get down
the road. So like for Beth, Beth was very good
with the paperwork and all this other kind of stuff,
but we didn't quite know where to go. And so
then Beth said, well, I'm going to reach out to Sandy.
And so you know, Beth didn't have the answer for
(32:34):
where I needed to go, but she knew she found
a small victory in reaching out to Sandy because then
Sandy had all the information about all the different things
that are available for former players and the places you
can go and all that kind of stuff. So all
of those things were like small victories that added up
to me being able to get to where I needed
to go. And so it's important as a as a
(32:55):
caregiver or a loved one of someone that is in
crisis that you count your small victories too, because the
thing is, you don't want to be overwhelmed by the
situation and then you are in the throes of depression
and stress and anxiety and panic and all those kinds
of things. And so it's setting the boundaries, being open
(33:16):
about what's what's going on, having a network of of
of friends and people that you can that you can
talk to, reaching out for you, having your own therapist
if that's if that's something you need. All those things
are things you can do as a loved one, uh
to kind of manage your own uh the way you've
(33:37):
been impacted by someone that's in a mental health crisis,
because it's not it's not easy, man, I promise you,
Like I can't. I can't imagine what my kids or
what Beth was going through when I was going through it,
because it was just it was just so different from
who I am, Like they've never known me to be
(33:58):
the dude that kind of closes up in the house
and doesn't do anything and doesn't talk to anybody. And
I mean, if you know me, I'm gonna talk to anybody.
Like like I said, I loved meeting people, and I
was not doing any of those types of things. And
then I was calling them in crisis and crying and
stuff all the time. And so and at the time,
when you're in the middle of it, man, you're not
really thinking about the impact that's having on the people
(34:19):
that you're reaching out to. You're just thinking about the
darkness that you're in. And and so I think when
I when I was able to get removed from that
darkness and have clarity of my own, I could really
see how it was impacting the people around me. And
so it was important to me to voice that to
the NFL. And I don't know that they came up
(34:41):
with any solutions, but I do know that I keep
having a conversation with everybody in the NFL offices that
I can that I can get in touch with about
trying to find some services that family members and loved
ones that are that are working with some of these
players that have mental health crisis can go too, because
it does become a family thing, you know, and even
(35:04):
when like whether regardless of how you end up having
to retire, whether it's injury related or you're just not
good enough related, or you or as you just know,
it's your time. You've been there forever, whether it's three years,
thirteen years, or seventeen years. Like at some point you
(35:24):
go like this is enough. You're not the only one retiring,
Like you're like, you're the one that's not showing up
at that job anymore, but you're everyone is connected to you,
Like in your immediate family that you spend time with
on a daily basis, those people are retiring from that too.
There's a lifestyle that they're used to. There's a rhythm
that they're used to. There's a you and a personality
(35:47):
that you present when you're in those spaces that they're
used to. And some of that is a lot of
that goes away, you know, and so it has an impact.
And now you throw on top of that that you leave,
you know with some type of mental health crisis. Is
then that multiplies that or you know, like with some
of this CTE stuff that is you know, you know,
(36:10):
information and research around that kind of stuff. If those
types of things are popping up and you're having to,
as a loved one, help your person deal with all
of that when they're in the middle of crisis. Because
I will say this, with all of the resources at
the NFL offers, sometimes it's hard to navigate because you're
(36:32):
trying to navigate it in crisis, and when you have
to flip through four or five different pages or links
and whatever, you get lost in all of that and
then you just give up on it. And so if
there was one thing I would say to UH too
people that have services like that, or or other organizations
and companies that have mental health services for their employees, Man,
(36:56):
learn it. When you have clarity, learn all the different
and even write the steps down of if this happens,
I'm calling this person, I'm reaching out to that organization,
I'm clicking on this link, like write down the phone numbers.
Because when you're in the middle of it, man, it
is so hard to just stay focused and stay clear,
(37:17):
and then it gets all you know, you get frustrated
with the people that are trying to help you. So
just I would say for all involved, whatever services are available, man,
make sure that you know exactly what you're gonna do
before you get into the crisis, because once in the crisis,
it can be hard. It's hard to see two feet
in front of you. So that would be some advice
(37:37):
I would give to everybody. And so, like I said,
this was a part of a talk that I had
yesterday at the Evergreen Health Foundation's fundraiser, and it just
got me thinking about you know, this whole caregiver space
that we at some point in our lives. We all
kind of living at space for somebody for the most part,
(38:00):
and so it's important that as the caregiver that you
find space, create boundaries, find someone to talk to, have
therapy of your own. And then and then also I
would encourage you to, as best you can to always
keep an eye on hope, because when you lose hope,
(38:21):
that's when it that's when it goes down for everybody.
And so and sometimes your loved one needs someone that
can carry the hope, and and then you need to
hope for yourself. And so I would encourage you to
stay hopeful, count the small victories, build a support group,
encourage your openness with the person that you're having to
(38:41):
take care of. And then as I close here, I
just want to say thank you, thank you to all
those people that have showed up in the lives of
other people who are suffering, because at the end of
the day, man like the thing. To me, it cuts
through politics, It cuts through race, it cuts through class,
(39:05):
it cuts through identity, it cuts through any of the
other issues and topics that you want to talk about.
Is when you can see the humanity of another person.
And so when you show up for the humanity of someone,
none of that stuff matters, And to me, that's what
should matter most. And so when you're a caregiver, when
you're a loved one showing up for someone who is
in crisis, you are seeing the humanness of who this
(39:28):
person is. And so that is what's allowing you to
show up in those moments and be strong when they're weak.
And then I think it's important then that you get
acknowledged for that, because that's a choice that you make.
Sometimes you're kind of forced into it, but even when
it feels like you have no other choice but to
do it, it's still a choice because you can choose
(39:51):
not to do it. And so I just want to
elevate those people and acknowledge those people that have had
to do that in their lifetime, no matter what the
situation is or how it is that they're having to
show up. And there, you know, I did this whole
deep dive on this whole concept of the power of
showing up, and power is you can be defined as
(40:11):
being able to or having the ability to. And then
the concept of showing up means it just showing up
with like with uh, with intentionality, with purpose and intentionality.
So the power of showing up is the ability to
show up uh with with uh, with purpose and intentionality
for the benefit of someone else. And so it's a
(40:31):
very selfless thing to do. It's a very thing that
can be lonely when you're doing it uh, and you
can be lost in it all, like I said, And
so I just wanted to take this particular episode to
say to those people that showed up for me, including
the broadcast team, NASA, Paul Bumpers, b Walt Turbo, Babinot,
(40:54):
Rabel Wyman, Jim Mueller. Uh. You know a lot of
these people knowed some of the struggles I was going
through and then they just never wavered and they were
always there for me. You know, NASA had to be
when it comes to that adaptability piece. Man Nasa was
like freaking Bear Sanders out there, because there was there
were sometimes where it was just like, man, I don't
(41:14):
know what what Ray's doing, but we're gonna make it work.
And and so I just wanted you never get to
say thank you enough to people like that, and so
that's why I wanted to do this episode, just to
bring attention to that and to acknowledge those people that
do that type of work and show up in the
lives of people like that. So with that, Ben said,
are three different things that we end the show with
(41:35):
all the time. Number one is okay to not be okay.
Number two, if you're in the midst of a mental
health crisis, you or your loved ones can reach out
to your medical provider for help and assistance and direction.
And then number three, if you're if you need help
and you ask for help, you're operating from a position
(41:56):
of power. So Big Ray from Big Ray's Garage Grind
Mental Health Edition looking forward to having a few more
of these over the next few weeks. Hope you guys
tune in, Hope you like them. Please comment, you know
what you like, what you don't like, If you have
any success stories, all those types of things, or reach
out if you need help, reach out to the Mindful
Therapy group. I'm not a therapist, so I can't help
(42:17):
you with those things, but I can't point you in
the right direction. So once again, Big Raised Garage, Grind
met Health Edition Peace, End them out.
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