October 26, 2024 • 53 mins
In this inspiring episode of Wildly Wealthy Life, Kat and Lee sit down with confidence coach Tony Dufresne to explore the powerful connection between creativity, confidence, and leadership. Tony shares his personal journey of becoming a single father at 27 and how raising his daughter Rachel shaped his passion for empowering women. Together, they discuss the role of creativity in personal growth, the importance of modeling behavior for children, and how critical thinking and self-expression lay the foundation for lifelong success. Get ready to dive deep into confidence, creativity, and the joy of living authentically.
Discussion Links:
- 00:00 Introduction to Tony Dufresne, confidence coach for women
- 03:16 Tony’s journey as a single father and learning confidence from his daughter
- 05:15 The role of creativity and artistic expression in raising confident children
- 07:22 Tony’s experience with divorce and how it shaped his approach to parenting
- 11:19 How creativity connects Tony with his daughter and granddaughter
- 29:07 Importance of modeling behavior and setting boundaries for children
- 37:12 Fostering self-regulation, accountability, and resilience in children
- 38:51 Tony’s advice for instilling leadership values through creativity
- 45:12 Tony’s idea of a Wildly Wealthy Life
Learn more about Tony
Women's Guide to Ending Toxic Relationships
https://www.theconfidencedoc.store/
She Talks Confidence Podcast
https://tonydufresne.com/podcast/
Mentioned in this episode:
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tony (00:00):
Creating a level of independence and autonomy within the kid is just
about empowering them to be them.
And that's true confidence.
True confidence is not aboutbeing competent about stuff
and knowing everything.
God, no.
You know, nobody knows everything, right?
But you know, peoplethink that they have to.
It's about just being cool withyourself and, and your foundation
(00:21):
and accepting it warts and all.
And it, and the best thing, the giftyou can give anybody and kids and, and
the reason why I do what I do and I talkto my clients all the time is because
that's the one thing I want to give them.
I want to give them what I already see inthem that they don't see in themselves.
Kat (00:38):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tony (00:39):
Is the fact that they have this power.
It's incredible.
Kat (00:51):
Today's guest is Tony Dufresne.
Tony is a confidence coach forwomen and his journey really started
when he became a single father atage 27 to his daughter, Rachel.
You are not going to wantto miss this episode.
Make sure you stay tuned.
Hey, my name is Kat.
Lee (01:08):
And I'm Lee.
Kat (01:09):
And welcome to the
Lee (01:11):
Wildly Wealthy Life Podcast.
In this show, we explore the journeyof what it means to live a truly
exceptional and fulfilling life.
Kat (01:19):
Each episode focuses on how a foundation of brilliant minds and
brave hearts nurtured through thearts leads to lifelong success.
Lee (01:27):
Get inspired with actionable tips to foster a growth
mindset, leadership values.
And creativity and children and adultsturning their potential into lasting
contributions for their communities.
Kat (01:37):
We hope that you embrace the challenge to shift your perspective as we
equip you and the next generation for a
Lee (01:44):
wildly wealthy life.
Kat (01:53):
We had an incredible time with Tony.
And, uh, what was your biggesttakeaway from that episode?
Lee (01:59):
First of all, Tony, if you're watching, thank you for sharing
your story and coming on again.
I was very moved and impacted by seeingyour life in full circle, almost.
The inspiration that your grandfathergave you when you were young, and
that support, and how your life hasevolved to a point where now you can
(02:21):
be that support for your grandkids.
And, The impact that you have and allthe learning that you've had, uh, for
your clients, the people that are goingto be listening to you and watching you,
there is a magic that is there, and Ireally thank you for being vulnerable
and sharing your story with us.
Kat (02:41):
Yeah, and what I really loved was he had some really amazing insight on how to.
As an, as a parent or as an educatoror as a caregiver, how to raise kids
with creativity from such a young agethat could set them up for success for
lifelong success and the insight that hehad on that was really impactful for me.
(03:03):
And so we can't wait to justshare this episode with you today.
Tony, thank you forbeing with us here today.
Um, I really love just your storyabout you and your daughter,
(03:24):
uh, Rachel, and I know that youlearned a lot about confidence.
from her.
But aside from that, I knowthat, you know, you are the
confidence doc, which is amazing.
I love it.
And I love that you are just so boldlyteaching this and empowering women in a
space where it's usually women who teach,you know, about women's confidence and
(03:45):
you're in this space, which is amazing,which we want to dive into later.
I know Lee has some questions aboutthat, but what other things have
you learned from being a woman?
And, you know, especially inthe leadership skill area.
Tony (04:00):
All the things I've learned, you can't fit in at 45 minutes.
You can't even fit that into a day.
Right.
I mean, that's, you know, as a parent.
Kat (04:05):
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Yes.
Tony (04:07):
But the, you know, the thing is, is that that was, I found it
extraordinary because at the time Iwas 26 or so and we had Rach, um, and,
uh, I got, it was like a hot minute.
I was divorced right after that.
And it so happened that I had her.
Like all the time.
I wasn't supposed to be like that,but it all of a sudden I was a
(04:28):
single dad and I had sisters, butyou know, it's as any woman or man
knows, uh, so it's just a woman.
A lot of men don't realize this, buta woman's world is so much different,
completely different than a man'sworld in terms of just Perspective
and the way systems are set up.
And so, uh, having to navigatethat as not, not only as a new
(04:50):
dad, but as a dad of a daughter.
And, uh, it was so nuanced andshe taught me so many things.
You know, I was always verymatter of fact, I was always very
linear in my approach to things.
And with a daughter, youcan't really do that.
Not only because we're goingto talk about art, right?
And self expression, not only wasshe a girl and a daughter, but she
(05:14):
was, she's a theater girl, right?
She's a singer.
She's, she's an artiste.
It's like a triple layer of stuff.
And, and of course I was, I mean, Igrew up, uh, you know, playing guitar.
I was a musician.
I did a little bit of acting untilI realized it's not for me at all.
But, uh, but I was alwaysa musician at heart.
So I had a little bit of that, but noteven close to, you know, what she has
(05:38):
in terms of artistic self expression.
And so through that and throughseeing that and through.
Understanding the differences and thenuances in life and the perceptions that
happen because, uh, because not onlyas being a daughter or a girl, but also
being very artistic and very dimensionalin her thinking and her approach to
(05:59):
life taught me so much, really openedme up to being a way better parent.
I mean, that was, that, thatcreated everything on my foundation.
That moved me into the direction ofworking with women and working with
women specifically with confidencebecause I, because she taught me that.
And in, and in response to that, wesort of worked this out together.
(06:23):
I always tell my women clients,I'll never be able to empathize.
Cause I'm not a woman, but I cancertainly sympathize and be as
big of an advocate as I can be,uh, from a girl, dad perspective.
And so that's my approach to my clientsand my approach to my grandkids now and
my granddaughter, uh, and I'll still myapproach, uh, to my daughter as well.
(06:45):
And we're just, we have a verygreat, happy tribe and, uh,
you know, every day is amazing.
Lee (06:52):
Tony, one, one thing real quick here.
How are you a grandfather?
You do not.
Thank
Tony (06:57):
you.
It's amazing.
I appreciate that.
. Uh, it, it, a lot offilters on the camera.
A lot . Gotcha.
Seven layers.
The foundation I learned from my daughter.
Are you real
Kat (07:09):
or are you AI
, Tony: right?
Yeah.
It's, it's all ai.
Have you seen that new ai?
Not to digress, but man, thatnew AI is just incredible.
It's like a real person, right?
I was very lucky becausegenetics in my family and my
mom always looked like she was.
35 years younger.
And so I just, I'll just roll with that.
Yeah, that's good.
Lee (07:28):
I did have a question though, because some of the most like beautiful
things or works that, um, we as humanslike create and whatnot, usually come
from a source of, um, pain, struggle,some kind of like conflict and whatnot.
And obviously you kind of went overit real quickly, but divorce is like a
splitting, you know, a separation, uh,that not, uh, Many people really spend
(07:49):
a lot of time on delving into the painthat's really associated with that.
I, too, years ago, uh, was divorced,uh, after about a year change of,
of marriage, and there is justa deep cut that that, that is.
And then to add on top of that, yourresponsibility was raising a daughter.
Raising her, what were some of thethings that you, you experienced, that
(08:09):
you witnessed in, in watching yourdaughter grow, some of the struggles
that she had, that even made thisidea of being the confidence stock?
Like, what were the.
the ground level things thatreally shook you to help want to,
like, make this change for people.
Tony (08:22):
It's so true that pain and despair and being at the bottom of the well
really brings on the creativity orthe, or the yearning for expansion.
I mean, it's either you give up andyou just sit there and rot away and
spin an ashtray in the corner of a darkroom, or you do something about it.
And with me, it was a double edge.
(08:44):
It was like a double kick to the gutbecause not only was I divorced and
you haven't going through that, thatseparation and, uh, that rejection.
And of course I had just my own childtrauma stuff, all of that poke that bear.
Like that was the big red button.
So it made that bad.
Plus the fact that the one thing I didnot want to do as a parent was to put
(09:09):
my child through a separated family.
I did not.
I mean, that's the last thing,because I never knew my real
dad and I had issues with.
You know, all that stuff.
And the one thing I didn't want to do wasthe exact thing that now I'm involved in.
And in that process, what I didwas I, and I'll, and I'll just
(09:30):
did, my daughter knows this too.
I, I overcompensated because I felt Ihad to, because not only was I dealing
with that stuff, at the same time,Rachel's mom wasn't showing up as a mom.
And so I felt as though I had to wear.
Kat (09:48):
Two roles.
Yeah.
Tony (09:50):
And I had, and, uh, and so, but I think that overall that really shaped me.
It shaped my mentality.
It really took me to school again, interms of figuring out what I need to do.
And the fact that this, this otherworld is a lot more nuanced than 26 or
(10:10):
seven years that I did up to that point.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And with that, you know, in psychology,we call it flooding and flooding
is, you know, like if you're afraidof spiders, they put you into
room full of spiders type thing.
Yeah, that was flooding for me becauseit was either you, you sink or you swim.
And that shaped everything movingforward because I was a finance major.
(10:33):
And, you know, going through college andI, it was in doing real estate stuff.
And it wasn't until I went through thatand realized and learn and had to read
books and went to therapy that I realizedthat that's really what I want to do.
And that changed everything.
And that got me to go when Iwas 29, I decided to go back
(10:54):
to school and Pepperdine waves,go waves, go waves, right?
So that's, that's when I wentback to Pepperdine and, uh, got my
master's in psychology because Ifelt as though that was my calling.
And I could, and the only way I couldhave gotten to that point was through
my daughter and through the situation.
And so as much as, Stuff happens.
That's just crappy stuff.
(11:16):
You know, it does lead you tosomething if you're open to it.
And that's the mentality Itake, you know, to this day.
Kat (11:24):
Yeah.
Is there anything in your upbringing,especially like in the realm of the
arts, because you said, you know,you play the guitar, you love music.
How has creativity Kind of pavedthe way for you to, you know, when
you became 27 and you got divorcedand now you're a single dad, you
know, uh, how does creativity playinto you stepping up into that role?
(11:47):
And actually, instead of, you know,sinking, you actually learned how to swim.
Right.
Tony (11:52):
Right.
Yeah.
Uh, creativity is one of themost powerful tools you can have.
Uh, not only is it just atool from an ex like sharing.
Like an experiential thing, you're sharingit with other people and getting them
involved in creating an environment ofself expression and self acceptance,
but it's also, you know, inner selfacceptance and self expression as well.
(12:13):
I mean, it's, it's, it's a perfectblend of both of those and having
the creativity that I did and.
Like I said, I wasn't likethe theater kid or anything.
I just, I enjoyed music and I alwaysjust had an ear for it and loved it and
was in bands and all that fun stuff.
But it wasn't until having my daughterand having her be such a theater
(12:34):
kid, uh, and that, uh, that I,that became a bond with both of us.
In me prepping her for her singingcontest, in me, you know, us reading
lines together, in, uh, in her goingover her songs ahead of, and so
me, you know, correcting her pitchand, and, you know, giving her some
(12:56):
feedback and thoughts and stuff.
It became a huge connector, to this day.
It's one of the biggest connectors ofmyself and my daughter in terms of our
relationship, because I feel as though,I feel as though creativity and, and
self expression is one of, if not themost powerful forces in this world.
And I have to tell you, I haven'tmet one single person that has that,
(13:20):
and that expresses that, and thatowns that, that isn't, you know,
ahead of the curve in terms of joy.
Having a good time.
You know, everybody has theirups and downs and all that.
But, uh, tell me, tell me it'snot a bad thing that, that
theater kids are like getting ingroups and singing like anywhere.
You can always tellwhere a theater kid is.
And I just love that because it,and that's how powerful it is.
(13:43):
It's moving.
It's so powerful.
Lee (13:46):
I was in, um, South Africa recently in Johannesburg
and, uh, flight got canceled.
Had to go to a hotel, stay overnight.
Then we came back.
But when I came back, uh,the timing was perfect.
Cause there was this like theater, Idon't know if it's theater group, but
there's a performance group and they'rejust ripping, I don't know if it's the
South African, like, National Anthemor whatever it was, but they're just
(14:07):
sitting there, stomping, singing, and,like, the, the, just the, the joy that
shot through the airport, the terminal,people stopped, started clapping, the,
um, the workers, like, all the people atthe cash register and everything, just
came running out, like, left the peopleat the counter, and came out and started
yelling and just, ah, and just that.
(14:28):
The energy that comes with thecreativity and the voice and yeah, it's
so it's so so powerful Yeah, I love
Tony (14:34):
that point.
It creates a tangible force.
It really does because you know,everything is energy everything is I
mean, that's the you know, I'm a bigquantum guy and and you know, my base
is my you know Foundational stuff isbased upon that and I feel as though
that that is the most powerful energy.
It's almost
Kat (14:51):
Mm hmm.
Especially, I mean, there's all sortsof creativity, but for me, I may
be a little bit biased, but there'ssomething about music, you know,
like there's obviously there's somany different types of creativity.
Of course, movement.
I love movement too, and all of that.
But man, there's something aboutwhen you put together movement and
music that is just the, I feel likethat that joy frequency that comes
(15:12):
out of that is through the roof.
At least that's how Ifeel in my own practice.
Tony (15:20):
The research base is the fact that it releases dopamine, I mean, it
releases the endorphins, and they'veseen that music is as powerful as, you
know, working out, or, you know, beingin a joyous event, or, you know, getting
married, I mean, it can move you and itcan create those excited neural pathways
to get you in a really good space.
(15:41):
I mean, and that's, you know, that's, youknow, they've researched that for years.
Kat (15:44):
Yeah, absolutely.
I want to kind of go back intowhen you said that, you know, your
father was absent in your childhood.
What were some of the, youknow, as you're growing up, you
know, without your dad, right?
Like being absent.
I grew up as well without my parents.
Not that I, they showed me thatthey loved me, but they were
just not there physically, right?
(16:04):
What were some of the, um, Limitingbeliefs that you had as a child that
you had to really overcome to stepinto the place that you are now.
I mean, I know it's a processas we're growing up, but you
know, what are some of those?
Tony (16:20):
Yeah, my situation was not to get way into it, but I had a step dad that
I didn't even realize was my step dadbecause nobody ever told me because that
happened when I was, you know, Two anda half or something until I was like 14.
So there's this level of, you know,base of deception that's going on.
Plus the fact that I was in ahousehold that was, that had extremely
(16:40):
strict boundaries that actuallyrestricted levels of artistic and
self expression, uh, because theydidn't want to be embarrassed.
Wow.
Right.
And, uh, and then there was a massivelevel of perfection because if, you
know, it's one of those things whereif I, you know, if I got a B plus
that, that would be very disappointing.
So it was always the carrot on the stickand you could never ever get the carrot.
(17:04):
And so there was a level of perfection.
The lack of it of acceptance forwho I was as a kid, which always
translates because kids just always,you know, take that upon themselves
and that creates a level of, of, oflack of self acceptance of yourself.
And then, and those are the things thatin growing up very much restrict you.
(17:27):
And I feel as though the, themusic when I started doing it,
which was, I mean, it started.
playing guitar when I was eight,but it wasn't until probably in
high school, oh, it was high schoolwhere I started with the band stuff.
And then you start getting, youknow, really self expressive and,
and a little rebellious and whatnot.
And I, and I realized that that was theway I was rebelling against that whole
(17:49):
system that I was, that I grew up in.
The walking on eggshells perfectionist,you know, self esteem stuff.
And I, and the second that I was acceptedwithin the realm of my bandmates and
people having a good time when we wentout to do gigs, that was it for me.
That was like, talk about a drug.
Oh my God.
That was incredible.
That's, that's how I got out of it.
(18:11):
And that's why I just, I love thefact that when you got in contact
with me and, and I knew what we weregoing to be talking about today, it
was this, because it's again, it'sthe force is extremely powerful.
And I just, I love talking about it.
Lee (18:25):
Wow, that's incredible.
How often are you able to bring inthat passion for music, the impact of
music into your, your sessions with.
You're the people, thewomen that you're working
Tony (18:37):
with every time I did because one of the first intake questions I asked
them is, you know, what do you listen to?
I mean, what do you do?
What do you do for fun?
I do, you know, is it dancing?
Is it I mean, do youdo anything like that?
The amount of music or the what theylisten to Is a huge indicator of
mindset and if you want to be stuck ina in a bad situation Bummer mindset,
(19:01):
then, you know, they're going tobe telling me they're listening to
some old sappy country stuff, right?
Where the dog and the pickuptruck are always leaving, right?
So,
yeah, I'd say so if that, ifthat's the case, it says a lot.
About that, but I always, and then Iused, I use, I almost do musical therapy
(19:21):
along with the two other things thatI, in fact, I think, Kat, I think we
talked about this on the two showsabout journaling and meditation that
are incredibly, uh, effective in termsof getting you You know, getting your
mindset straight and getting you alignedand getting your foundation set, I think
music is another one of them, becauseif you want to get yourself in the right
(19:43):
mindset, uh, start playing it, startgetting it, start setting it up to where
it benefits you, uh, and getting you,you know, Going in the right direction.
So I use it with every single client.
Kat (19:56):
Yeah, that's amazing.
And, um, when you were growing up andyou're saying, you know, that you had
such a strict upbringing and all, andthen finding out that, you know, the
dad that you thought was your dad wasactually your stepfather at age 14, right?
All of these things, obviously there'sso many range of emotions and thoughts
(20:16):
that can go through a child's mind.
Uh, when you go throughthat, um, did you have any.
Mentor that kind ofhelped you cope with that.
Did you have any?
And
Tony (20:28):
yeah, my maternal grandfather.
Yeah,
Kat (20:29):
awesome.
And what did he, how didhe help you through that?
Tony (20:33):
He and my grandmother accepted me and, you know, welcome me and
allowed me to, I mean, we hadband practice in their garage.
They, they allowed me to do that.
They, you know, they allowed me touse their big old Oldsmobile Delta
88, uh, to haul around the amps.
He actually co signed at like, like Moody.
(20:57):
I can't remember the music.
It was an old music store in LA, uh, thatwe went up there and we bought this beater
amp, you know, main amp system with a bigspeed, big, huge speakers, you know, back
in the day, you know, they were just,everything was a thousand pounds and
the speakers were like bigger than me.
He actually co signed.
The, the little loan that we had withthem and, you know, we had to pay him
(21:17):
like 40 bucks a month or something, butmy grandfather drove up with us to LA
and he co signed for, so we could haveour amps so we could start playing gigs.
So it was, yeah, there was, he was thesaving grace, he and my grandmother.
And, uh, ultimately I ended up.
Uh, staying with them.
I moved out of my right afterI graduated high school.
(21:40):
I actually stayed over there mostly.
And then when I ended up going to SanDiego State, when I always came back up
to Orange County, which is about an hourand 15 minutes drive over the weekends or
whatever, I would always stay with them.
So I ended them.
Staying.
I ended up moving in withthem because that was real.
That was really my home.
And I always considered that myhome more so than my other house.
Kat (22:01):
It just speaks volumes to me because my grandmother was that for me too.
Um, you know, my grandmother wasthe one who, you know, took me to my
ballet lessons and my piano lessons.
And, uh, Really encouraged me to, tokeep with piano and when I wanted to
quit, it was, she was there for me,you know, so that just you sharing
(22:21):
that story just gives me that justa flashback of how amazing, um,
Tony (22:28):
right?
Yeah.
How important is that to be?
Something to have that.
And that's why I want, Iwanted, always wanted that to
be, you know, with my daughter.
And I always want that tobe with my granddaughter.
I told my grandkids, uh, my granddaughteris 10 and my grandson is eight.
And, um, she's playing violinnow, which is super cool.
But I always told him, I said, if youguys ever, ever, ever want to do music
(22:49):
lessons or singing lessons, I got it.
I got it covered.
Just let me know, signup, and I got it covered.
Because it's incredibly, incrediblyimportant, uh, to, I believe, to, for
every single child to have music intheir life in some form or fashion.
Or, or, or singing, or, youknow, anything like that.
Kat (23:08):
Yeah.
Tony (23:08):
What's it like,
Lee (23:09):
sorry, just jumping in, with, um, you had the experience of, Seeing your
grandfather be this example for you,but now, you know, years later, you're
being that for your own grandkids.
What, how does that feel?
Like, what,
Tony (23:26):
what are you pulling from that as, as you go through this?
It feels awesome, and I realizedthat now I know why he was so happy.
Yeah, because he's like, He alwayssaid, you know, both of them, my
grandmother too, she was awesome.
And they always said, you know,being grandparents the best.
I'm like, okay, yeah, whatever.
You know, you're older and you know,you're slower and you move around.
You get to, you feed, you know,you let me have more candy than my
(23:48):
mom and dad, but you know, what's,you know, what's the difference.
But then you get to be a grandparentand it's, it's just the greatest.
Because you're, because you're not inthat position where you need to be good
cop and or bad cop, uh, you're in aposition where you can be supportive
and you can also be in a position whereyou can be a friend, but not a friend.
If that makes sense.
You can be somebody that's, that's thereand listens and ask questions and, uh,
(24:12):
and gets them to be involved in somethingwhere you guys can be a team on something,
uh, without having to straddle the parent.
Line because sometimes with theparent line, it's hard to do that
and keep the boundary where you needto have it because a lot of parents
nowadays are trying to be the bestfriend and that doesn't work at all.
(24:34):
I think we've seen the results ofthat, uh, you know, so that way, but
the grandparent can be, uh, without,without undermining, uh, the parents.
So that's, that's why Iabsolutely, and I take that from
my grandfather and my grandmother.
Because all I'm, all I'm doing is reallyjust emulating and modeling exactly what
(24:54):
I was taught by them in terms of, here itis, the number one thing, being present.
Kat (25:00):
Yeah, that's really great.
Lee (25:02):
With the modeling aspect, I just was thinking back, um, after you had
your separation, you're raising yourdaughter on your own, not to go back
too far, but with, um, I have thisTV show, This is Us, in my head.
There's this awesome scene where,uh, this mom, she takes in, um,
(25:23):
African American or a black kid.
And then they're at the pool, and sheends up going to these, um, black moms to
kind of figure out, like, what do I do?
You know, and justconnecting, um, through that.
process.
Did you have like female mentorsthat were kind of helping you with
raising your daughter or what?
How did you figure some of that out?
Tony (25:41):
My mom did help.
Yeah, a lot.
It just, she was, as much as I wasin a very strict environment at the
time, uh, growing up, uh, she wasvery good at setting boundaries.
She was very good at prioritizing, youknow, levels of, Discipline without being
overboard at what she wasn't the issue.
(26:03):
The big issue with me growing up.
Uh, she was complicit in a lot ofthat, but she wasn't the main gig.
It was the step dad.
So she taught me a lot.
She actually helped mea lot with my daughter.
At the time, and for me, and youknow, people say, Oh, teenagers
are the worst, or, you know,they're hardest and most of it.
(26:23):
I felt as though the first two, threeyears were the most difficult, uh, with
the infant, they can't talk, uh, andit's a girl and there's different things.
And I was like, I don't know.
So my mom was really good.
And at, in the early years, shereally did step up and help out a lot.
Kat (26:41):
That's
Tony (26:41):
awesome.
Lee (26:42):
As I, um, I've got three different nieces, and they're
all at different stages.
One's, um, looking at colleges,one's in, uh, she just had her
homecoming dance two nights ago.
And then, um, The other one is ineighth grade and it's just awesome
watching them at different stages,but it's, you know, that, that outside
perspective, sometimes it's, it's great.
(27:03):
I haven't experienced raising a daughter,but seeing things that they do is
watching my, you know, my sister and mybrother raise them and making different
decisions and trying to balance thatline of being a friend, being, you
know, a parent and having to lay downthe law at the same time, balancing
that with, you know, another like her.
(27:27):
Her ex coming and havingsay on different things.
It really complicates.
Tony (27:33):
Yeah.
Again, that's a whole other show.
Um, yeah, with, with the, especially withan ex or a co parent and I use that term
loosely, but, uh, that is not on board.
The same page at not on the same universeas you and I found myself a lot, which is
the reason why ultimately I had reachedlike 98 percent of the time because we
tried to do the split thing and thenevery time that she came back to me,
(27:56):
I'd have to deprogram her or, you know,like, Set her back in terms of a solid
foundation from the absolute dumpster firethat was happening at the other place.
Because Rach, Rach as a kid, she didn'tunderstand the differences in terms of
the way that the households were set upand the boundaries and the systems that
were or lack thereof that were in place.
(28:16):
And so she came back and, you know,kids just Kids just roll, right?
I mean, their whole, their wholereality is just like as far as
the nose in front of their face.
And so they just keep in, so whenthey get to the back to a place where
there's expectations, you know, allof a sudden it's just, you know,
it's just, it's crazy to rope her in.
It's like herding cats.
And so no pun intended, right?
(28:38):
Is
Kat (28:39):
this where, where the book came from?
Surrounded by idiots?
Tony (28:43):
Yeah, well, yeah, that was, there are, let me just
say without pointing fingers.
Yes, exactly.
That's exactly where it
Kat (28:51):
came from.
That's hilarious.
Lee (28:56):
I was like, it's that or maybe.
He watched Spaceballs and there'sthat scene where Darth Helmet is like.
Tony (29:02):
I 100 percent yeah, Darth Helmet is, is a, I'm a huge fan.
For the record, that's a classic.
Young Frankenstein is my favorite,but Spaceballs is top three.
Well,
Kat (29:15):
I just want to kind of go back to what you said.
Cause you know, when you, whenRachel comes back to you, right.
And you're like, well, I have toset her again in a, in a solid
foundation and all of that.
Yeah.
What do you think as, what would youradvice be to parents, um, uh, when it
comes to, you know, the desire to, toraise them into children who grow up into
(29:38):
adults with brilliant minds and bravehearts, what does that mean to you to
grow into an adult to have a brilliantmind and a brave heart and what's that
foundation to set them up towards that?
Tony (29:53):
Yeah, there's two parts to that.
And I appreciate because before theshow, you did send over some like
some basis in terms of what we'regoing to talk about, which I love.
And I should probably do that withmy with the people that on my show.
I don't I just let it wingand you know, you never know
what's going to happen, right?
But two things.
My background and myfoundation is stoicism.
And from my PhD, it's alwaysstoic philosophy and stoicism
(30:14):
is courage and discipline.
One.
And justice and wisdom.
Those are the four pillars that I'vethat I set and that I set for my
daughter to when we're growing up.
You also you asked a question,and I think this is what you're
referring to in your question.
You asked was, uh, what canparents do to nurture creativity?
I think this is like one of the mostimportant questions, uh, and in the thing
(30:36):
is, I think a lot of parents, a lot ofparents are so involved in the now and
so involved in the crisis and reactionthat they don't, they're not proactive on
these things in terms of setting them up.
So the first thing is,First thing is easy.
It's just model the behavior,model the behavior, model,
discipline, model, courage, model,be consistent, you know, anything.
(30:58):
The funny thing is, you know, a lot ofparents think, Oh, you know, I, you know,
do as I say, not as I do type of a thing,uh, they do, you know, they do something.
Kids are total sponges.
And they, not just consciously,but subconsciously, and they'll
pick up on every single thing.
And if they keep picking up onthe parent being, you know, out
(31:18):
of integrity, what, what kind ofmodeling is that for the kids?
And so model behavior,it's really important.
And it'll make you a better persontoo, because it'll keep you on track.
It's like, you know, it's justlike self checking yourself.
The second thing is createtangible boundaries that allow
room for self expression.
So create boundaries.
(31:38):
It could, again, the best friend thingand letting them run the household
is a terrible idea because they'rejust not, they're not set for it.
Plus kids, as much as they hate it.
Like they'll tell you they hate it.
They love boundaries because theyknow if they know and there's
not a level of insecurity.
There's not a level of fear of not oflike what's gonna happen if there's a
safety net there that they know thatthey can play in like the bounce house.
(32:02):
All the four walls are there.
They know that they're there.
Then they're that as muchas they'll whine about it.
It's a good thing for them.
But in that context, Ialways told my daughter.
Yeah.
And everybody in my family, and thisis where we had a big blowout with the
family, because they thought I gave herway too much room for self expression.
And I said, yeah, that'sexactly what I'm doing.
(32:23):
Because we still have our agreementthat there's levels of respect.
I'm still the dad.
I'm not the buddy andyou've got to respect that.
And if you do step over the line,which she did, then, uh, you,
then there's consequences to that.
But the key is, is that in orderfor anything to happen from a
creativity standpoint, you'vegot to give them enough rope.
(32:45):
You have to, it can't be a super smallbubble to live in because they'll never
be able, they'll never trust themselvesin that because they don't have the room
to trust themselves and it'll just be,it'll end up being, you know, something
that it'll fester within them and thenthey'll have to go to therapy and believe
me, that's, you know, that's super fun.
The next thing is toprioritize being present.
(33:07):
With your child.
And that's the thing mygrandfather and grandmother did.
And the thing that I do, Itry to do as much as I can.
Be present with them.
Put the stupid phone down.
Uh, play UNO for the 27th time.
Yeah.
Right?
Which I did this morning becausemy granddaughter slept over.
She had a sleepover last night.
Uh, you know, be, be present, right?
(33:28):
Uh, color the picture with them.
Right?
Sing the song with them.
Be present is really important.
Encourage critical thinkingand problem solving through
asking questions with the kids.
The study in a lot of the confidencebooks that I read in terms of the
basis of my education, there's, there'sa study that one of the greatest
(33:51):
confidence creators in children isto ask them to teach you something.
Oh,
Kat (33:58):
so
Tony (33:58):
good.
Ask them to teach you something.
I bet, I mean, I don't know if you'vedone that personally, uh, Kat, with
any of your clients or something, butit, it, that's a, that's a good, I
know a lot of teachers use that, too.
It's kind of that whole thing where,okay, say it back to me type of a thing.
You know, just kind of repeat itand see if they, and then they teach
you something and, oh, okay, great.
But that's so powerful.
Those are the things, um, oh, and thenthe last thing is, uh, embrace failure
(34:20):
as a really, really important learning.
And expansive tool failureis not a bad thing.
It's the way that you learn.
It's the way that you grow.
It shows that you're taking stepsbecause if you don't take steps,
then you're not going to fail.
If you don't fail, you don't take it.
You know, it's just so those are thethings that I would say to nurture,
(34:43):
um, very art, you know, the art, theartistic and expressive nature and
Children and to allow them to developinto their own person, which isn't
that our job in the first place?
Mhm.
You know, that those are thesteps that I would say to take.
Lee (34:56):
Yeah.
And that's so many, so many differentquestions and statements going up to
my head because there's, there's somuch in just those, those few points.
But I think the bubble, you know, ifyou keep too tight of a leash, just
being in higher education for the last20 years, when they get that freedom,
(35:16):
they get that chance to just be ontheir own, whoo, the decisions that are
made because they just haven't had any.
Any freedom at all.
So then they just run until they hit awall, you know, and then have to learn
about those boundaries and then on theother side to where they just run and
run and run and run and run and run, youknow, the mom and dad aren't going to be
(35:37):
the ones necessary to pull on the rope.
But somebody in the community is goingto have to, and that usually is a harder
yank than what mom and dad will do.
Tougher lesson.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tony (35:48):
There's so, yeah.
So I love, I love thosestatements of what you just said.
Go ahead.
It's funny you brought that up becausemy first year as a freshman, I was a,
I graduated seven out of 800 people.
Right.
I was like 3.
96, whatever.
And, uh, and got into Cal StateFullerton is where I went.
I was going to be an engineer.
I was there.
I was an engineer for threeweeks, but that's another story.
And then
Kat (36:08):
finance and then psychology.
Tony (36:10):
Yeah.
And then, oh yeah.
And then biology.
And I mean, I did likeeight different majors.
It was ridiculous.
So I ended up, uh, ended up getting there.
It took, you know, 15 unitsof typical, you know, whatever
workload, not a big deal.
You know, chemistry, because I lovethat stuff and I was really good at it.
Right.
So of course, just like you said,you know, getting into a university,
getting there, absolutely imploded.
(36:31):
First of all, joined afraternity, worst mistake ever.
Uh, had all those classes, had, hadto dump the lab, like eight and a
half minutes into my college career.
Cause there's no way I'mshowing up for the lab.
Right.
And then, uh, and then ultimatelyI got, uh, I, I dropped classes.
I got a C and a D I'd nevergotten anything less than a B.
My life.
(36:52):
. Kat: Yeah.
And then, and you know why?
Because the exact thing you just said,that's why, 'cause I was such a tight
little bubble that I got out there.
I was like, woo-hoo.
Right Party time.
I mean, I didn't even likebeer until like 20 minutes into
stepping into the fraternity.
And then you don't have a choice, right?
They, they hand you a beer bong andthat's like the rest of your semester.
(37:13):
So, uh, and so I completely agree withthat and I bet you see that a lot.
Lee (37:19):
Yeah, yeah, it is, it's, it is a parent's responsibility, but also in
the society that we live in, there's somany messages that are going out there
in social media and TV, you know, what'sthe right thing to do as a parent, what's
the wrong thing to do as a parent, butyou really, like your point where you
have to know your child, you have toknow what they need to really get those
boundaries set for themselves and not, notbe, you know, Uh, a dictator over it, uh,
(37:43):
but also not be the, you know, foo foo,tree huggin Like, just completely free
Tony (37:50):
end of things, you know?
That balance.
Exactly.
And it's not impossible.
The, the balance is not impossible.
And the way you know your, your childis to, is to be present with a child
and ask questions of the child, becausenot all kids, every kid's different,
as you know, because you, you know, youwork with kids, every kid's different.
And, you know, they respondto different things.
They stimulate, stimulateto different things.
(38:11):
They, you know, some things it just,so you have to learn about your kid.
And I got to tell you, andI've told my daughter this too.
I said, you know, nowadays, I thinkparents have it a lot tougher.
Now they really do.
I mean, I, I brought Rach upin the pre internet stuff.
All that stuff was just kind of coming in.
I mean, shoot, I didn't even get acomputer till I was in my late twenties.
(38:33):
So, uh, and used a pager, you know,so, uh, nowadays with social media and.
It's crazy because kids minds arevery impressionable and they, more so
now than ever, they need balance andguidance and structure and, uh, you
know, expectations, like, realistic,and, uh, so, and that's the parent's job.
Lee (38:57):
One thing I do appreciate with, at least with.
My brother and sisters, they, theycollect cell phones at the end of the
night so they can kind of like go througha scan and make sure how, how wild, you
know, things are getting and whatnot.
And then the kids alsoknow that that's coming.
So then they kind of restrict themselves.
Or they delete it.
Yeah.
True.
Yeah.
(39:18):
But then, you know, there, there isthat trust though that's built up where,
like, I know I'm going to get intocertain trouble if I go too far with
this research or I start going downthis rabbit hole of whatever it is.
Um, when you're working with.
Uh, what women specifically, that can bea danger that opens up a lot of different
worlds, you know, how, how do you,how do you kind of navigate that with.
(39:42):
With the women that you're working with,or even maybe it's with your, you know,
with your daughter, with your grandkids.
Tony (39:47):
Uh, you mean in terms of like creating the expectations or, or,
uh, Yeah, and creating like kindof self guidance, self regulation.
Yeah, that's, that's it, right?
I mean, that's the huge thing, especiallynowadays, because the, as much as it has
been in the past to where And I won't getinto the whole thing about different power
plays and people making decisions foryou and really downplaying your opinions
(40:12):
and saying, no, we know what's right.
And, you know, that kind of stuff.
But creating a level of independenceand autonomy within the kid is just
about empowering them to be them.
And that's true confidence.
True confidence is not aboutbeing competent about stuff
and knowing everything.
God, no.
You know, nobody knows everything, right?
But, you know, peoplethink that they have to.
It's about just being cool withyourself and your foundation
(40:36):
and accepting it warts and all.
And it, and the best thing and the giftyou can give anybody and kids and, and
the reason why I do what I do and I talkto my clients all the time is because
that's the one thing I want to give them.
I want to give them what I already see inthem that they don't see in themselves.
Kat (40:53):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tony (40:55):
Is the fact that they have this power.
It's incredible.
Kat (40:58):
Absolutely.
I love that you're talkingabout like the self regulation.
I really tie it back to like pianoI, I keep going back to when you're
learning to play an instrument.
It's one of the very, you know,unless you're in a band, but even
when you're in a band, right?
You still have to learn thingson your own, alone, right?
(41:18):
It's very different than dance.
Usually dance, you go to a dancestudio, you're with friends.
Sports team, you go to, you know,sports and you practice your
sport with a bunch of people.
Drama club, the same thing.
You have to, you have torun lines with other people.
There's always someonethere with you, usually.
And we play a musical instrument.
You have to sit down by yourselfand to just do it by yourself.
(41:42):
No one's keeping you accountable.
No one's, you know, when you make amistake, no one's telling you what to do.
Like, it's almost like you have tolearn how to practice by yourself.
And that's a level of selfregulation that I feel like I got
as a child that I didn't know.
And as an adult, I realized, oh mygosh, the hours I was It's putting
sitting on a piano bench actuallytaught me what it means to like self
(42:04):
regulate self discipline myself.
Tony (42:08):
Yeah.
That's, isn't that huge?
That's huge.
Kat (42:10):
It's huge.
Yeah.
Tony (42:12):
What a tool to be taught without even understanding really what you
were being taught, but that is so true.
And it's, it's somethingthat I don't think.
Is as widespread as it used to be, becausewe're in this three second and then move
on to the next thing environment now,instead of putting the time in creating
a foundational, you know, process withinyourself and, you know, like I like I say
(42:35):
with my clients when they have an issue.
And they come into me.
It's not about it's notabout saving the world.
It's about taking a piece of that,like a small piece and learning
how to work through creatinga solution to the small piece.
It's taking that small step to createa foundation and a plan to move on
(42:56):
to something else and and sittingthere and learning how to practice and
learning how to maybe be frustrated.
God knows you see the you.
frustrates the heck out of me, right?
But learning that that's part of theprocess and then being okay with it,
especially for a perfectionist, I mean,is such a huge asset to have because
that translates into any other thingyou can do in terms of expanding your
(43:20):
life in terms of relationships or careeror, you know, building a car in your
garage or whatever the case may be.
That's a core foundational learning.
And that's why that and again, anotherreason why music is awesome and learning
and learning an instrument is amazing.
Kat (43:40):
Yeah, absolutely.
How do you think can, asidefrom, you know, all of the other
things, uh, when it comes to.
Music and, uh, kind of liketeaching kids leadership values.
Um, what is another thing that comes toyour mind when it comes to instilling
that into kids through creativity,maybe not just music, but through
creativity in general, you know, um,another leadership value that you feel
(44:03):
is so important as an adult that can beinstilled, uh, into a child's life at a
young age through creativity and music.
Tony (44:11):
Self accountability, because I, especially, especially with music,
like you just said, practicing,you know, if you say, listen.
In order to get to a certain point, thisis the sacrifice that you have to make.
And how many times have you heard,in fact, I heard Elton John say this.
He said, you know, I wanted to be theguy out there playing after school.
Outside.
Outside playing.
(44:31):
Like with all the other kids.
He goes, but, you know, my mom or Ithink it was his aunt or somebody that
he said, no, but I, I had my studies.
I had my Piano teachings and,you know, going through that, he
goes, you know, now look back.
It's like, obviously, it'sawesome because the guy's amazing.
Right.
But he said at the time, he didn't realizethat that's what he was being taught.
(44:53):
He was being taught a level ofaccountability in terms of doing
something that you committedto and following through.
How huge is that, especially nowadays?
Kat (45:02):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Amazing.
Well, Tony, this is so wonderful.
Just talking to youabout all these things.
I know we could go on and onand on and on and on and on.
Tony (45:13):
Don't get us starting to talk about music or Pepperdine
because forget about it, man.
This will be like a 10 hour show.
Kat (45:21):
Um, but if you were to kind of leave our audience with, uh, your idea of a
wildly wealthy life, What would that be?
Tony (45:30):
I'm glad you got to this because I, I, yeah, I made some notes because I, I
love the name, the wildly wealthy life.
I just love that.
And this is a guy I'm pointing tomyself for you people who are listening
without seeing that uh, that moneywas everything to me because we, we
were brought up with not having a lot.
And so the whole focus of my family was,you know, not having a lot of money.
(45:53):
That was that defined everythingabout us and me and my mindset.
So it took a lot to get outof that, like a lot, a lot.
And of course, it was my daughter, youknow, talk about, you know, pivotal, they
call them nodal events in psychology.
Nodal events are those things that arelike, Completely change your life, like
maybe not instantaneously, but definitelyset you on a totally different path and
(46:14):
where you were and, you know, and thatshe did that for me and bringing her up.
So the wildly wealthy life, ofcourse, you hear it from a lot of
people and it is what it is, right?
But the wealthy has zero to do with money.
You know, the, the, the money is a partof it, but the overall definition and
the concept is nothing to do with money.
(46:35):
It has to do with enrichment.
It has do with the joy.
It has to do with really figuringout why the heck that you're
here or why you want to be here.
And for me, the wildly wealthylife is a life unfolding in
alignment with my values.
If I can, if I can align my valuesand my foundation, my, you know, my,
my stoic value, you know, courage,discipline, justice, wisdom, you
(46:57):
know, accountability, all that stuff.
If I can align that with myactions consistently, which, hey,
you know, I'm like anybody else.
There's good days and bad days, right?
I mean, the older you get, the easierit gets from what I've figured out.
But the more I can do that, the, the moreI feel in alignment and I feel as though
not only does that benefit me, but thenI'm modeling it to people around me.
(47:20):
And I'm also that energy.
Is expressed.
And I think that energy is, is shownand it just creates more positive
energy in the universe because.
I believe in that stuff.
The second thing is, is that mygoals also align with my values.
So if I have that and I'm aligned,then my goals that I'd set for
myself and for my family aregoing to align with that as well.
(47:43):
And, and almost take, almost pullme into the life that I want.
And the life that is, you know, thatis wealthy, it's a wealthy life.
Um, a really important part abouthaving a wildly wealthy life
is having a supportive tribe.
You cannot do anything on your own.
(48:04):
You can't.
I mean, you know, you really can't.
You have, you've got to have some support.
You've got to have that support.
So I think a tribe is insanely important.
And, uh, my family is my tribe.
My tribe.
You know, me and my, the littleminions, all, all, all of us.
And then, um, the last but not least, andthis goes back to the old psychology, I'm
(48:25):
a very, I'm a kind of a Maslow guy, the,the, you know, the hierarchy of needs.
So it's giving and giving tome is understanding and being
okay with all this inside now.
And now I can give it out.
And that's self actualization.
That's the top of the pyramid.
So if you can get to the point whereyou're cool and you're set and you're
(48:46):
all good and you're not worriedabout your own stuff and, you know,
blindsided by that and you can, youknow, see through the clouds and help
people out and share not only sharetangible things, but share your energy.
That's giving.
And, you know, helping people out.
And so that those are the things to methat are exemplify a wildly wealthy life.
Kat (49:07):
Wow.
That was all amazing.
so much.
so much.
We are so blessed to have you today.
Um, thank you for gracing our podcastwith your presence and, uh, I'm
excited to share it with our audience.
Yeah, we, we basically had this podcast,Tony, um, back in 2020, we were really
(49:29):
talking about like financial freedom inthe podcast before, but, but with a focus
on financial freedom, actually beingtied to intentional generosity, which
is exactly what you just said, you know,at the very end there, which is really,
it's all about giving of yourself, right?
Because what, what does it do toyou to have a worldly, wealthy
life when you All yourself
(49:49):
. Tony: Right, exactly.
And those people are themost miserable, right?
Yeah, absolutely.
Um, yeah, so it's just incredible tokind of change the angle a little bit.
And our angle now it's really talkingabout how can we instill early
foundational values into our kids sothat they can have a wildly wealthy life.
Tony (50:06):
I love it.
I think it's a great idea for show.
Yeah.
Thank
Kat (50:10):
you so much.
Yeah.
Where can people find you?
Tony (50:14):
I have, uh, the confidence doc.
com is the website.
I've got a brand new masterclass out.
It's an hour.
It's a taped hour thing that I did.
And it's basically like two sessionsput into one and it's all about
toxic relationships for women.
It's about recognizing if you're in atoxic relationship or if you already
know, which, you know, most women areinsanely intuitive and they already
(50:35):
know they're in a toxic relationship.
It's about how to get out.
It's about steps to takeand able to get out.
So I have that.
And that's at theconfidence doc dot store.
S T O R E.
Kat (50:45):
Nice.
Awesome.
And we'll also put it inthe show links for sure.
Tony (50:48):
Perfect.
Yeah.
So those are the only,those are the two places.
Then I'm on, you know, I'm on my podcastand she talks confidence and, um, that's
on YouTube and all the podcast platforms.
Yep.
Kat (50:59):
Amazing.
Well, thank you, Tony.
Tony (51:01):
Oh, thank you.
This was great.
Kat (51:04):
All right, friends, that's a wrap on today's episode of Wildly Wealthy Life.
We hope you're feeling fired upand ready to take on the world with
your brilliant mind and brave heart.
Lee (51:13):
If you love this episode, make sure you hit that subscribe button on YouTube
or your favorite podcast platform.
It helps us keep bringingyou the good stuff.
Kat (51:19):
And hey, while you're at it, drop us a rating or review.
It takes like what?
30 seconds and it makesa huge difference for us.
Lee (51:26):
Also, if you know someone who could use a little guidance on growth,
mindset, leadership and creativity,share this episode with them.
Sometimes that one conversationcan spark up a whole new direction.
Kat (51:35):
Thanks for hanging out with us today.
Go out there, live wildly, be wealthyin all the ways that matter to you.
And we'll catch you on the next one.
Creating a level of independence and autonomy within the kid is just
about empowering them to be them.
And that's true confidence.
True confidence is not aboutbeing competent about stuff
and knowing everything.
God, no.
You know, nobody knows everything, right?
But you know, peoplethink that they have to.
It's about just being cool withyourself and, and your foundation
(00:21):
and accepting it warts and all.
And it, and the best thing, the giftyou can give anybody and kids and, and
the reason why I do what I do and I talkto my clients all the time is because
that's the one thing I want to give them.
I want to give them what I already see inthem that they don't see in themselves.
Kat (00:38):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tony (00:39):
Is the fact that they have this power.
It's incredible.
Kat (00:51):
Today's guest is Tony Dufresne.
Tony is a confidence coach forwomen and his journey really started
when he became a single father atage 27 to his daughter, Rachel.
You are not going to wantto miss this episode.
Make sure you stay tuned.
Hey, my name is Kat.
Lee (01:08):
And I'm Lee.
Kat (01:09):
And welcome to the
Lee (01:11):
Wildly Wealthy Life Podcast.
In this show, we explore the journeyof what it means to live a truly
exceptional and fulfilling life.
Kat (01:19):
Each episode focuses on how a foundation of brilliant minds and
brave hearts nurtured through thearts leads to lifelong success.
Lee (01:27):
Get inspired with actionable tips to foster a growth
mindset, leadership values.
And creativity and children and adultsturning their potential into lasting
contributions for their communities.
Kat (01:37):
We hope that you embrace the challenge to shift your perspective as we
equip you and the next generation for a
Lee (01:44):
wildly wealthy life.
Kat (01:53):
We had an incredible time with Tony.
And, uh, what was your biggesttakeaway from that episode?
Lee (01:59):
First of all, Tony, if you're watching, thank you for sharing
your story and coming on again.
I was very moved and impacted by seeingyour life in full circle, almost.
The inspiration that your grandfathergave you when you were young, and
that support, and how your life hasevolved to a point where now you can
(02:21):
be that support for your grandkids.
And, The impact that you have and allthe learning that you've had, uh, for
your clients, the people that are goingto be listening to you and watching you,
there is a magic that is there, and Ireally thank you for being vulnerable
and sharing your story with us.
Kat (02:41):
Yeah, and what I really loved was he had some really amazing insight on how to.
As an, as a parent or as an educatoror as a caregiver, how to raise kids
with creativity from such a young agethat could set them up for success for
lifelong success and the insight that hehad on that was really impactful for me.
(03:03):
And so we can't wait to justshare this episode with you today.
Tony, thank you forbeing with us here today.
Um, I really love just your storyabout you and your daughter,
(03:24):
uh, Rachel, and I know that youlearned a lot about confidence.
from her.
But aside from that, I knowthat, you know, you are the
confidence doc, which is amazing.
I love it.
And I love that you are just so boldlyteaching this and empowering women in a
space where it's usually women who teach,you know, about women's confidence and
(03:45):
you're in this space, which is amazing,which we want to dive into later.
I know Lee has some questions aboutthat, but what other things have
you learned from being a woman?
And, you know, especially inthe leadership skill area.
Tony (04:00):
All the things I've learned, you can't fit in at 45 minutes.
You can't even fit that into a day.
Right.
I mean, that's, you know, as a parent.
Kat (04:05):
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Yes.
Tony (04:07):
But the, you know, the thing is, is that that was, I found it
extraordinary because at the time Iwas 26 or so and we had Rach, um, and,
uh, I got, it was like a hot minute.
I was divorced right after that.
And it so happened that I had her.
Like all the time.
I wasn't supposed to be like that,but it all of a sudden I was a
(04:28):
single dad and I had sisters, butyou know, it's as any woman or man
knows, uh, so it's just a woman.
A lot of men don't realize this, buta woman's world is so much different,
completely different than a man'sworld in terms of just Perspective
and the way systems are set up.
And so, uh, having to navigatethat as not, not only as a new
(04:50):
dad, but as a dad of a daughter.
And, uh, it was so nuanced andshe taught me so many things.
You know, I was always verymatter of fact, I was always very
linear in my approach to things.
And with a daughter, youcan't really do that.
Not only because we're goingto talk about art, right?
And self expression, not only wasshe a girl and a daughter, but she
(05:14):
was, she's a theater girl, right?
She's a singer.
She's, she's an artiste.
It's like a triple layer of stuff.
And, and of course I was, I mean, Igrew up, uh, you know, playing guitar.
I was a musician.
I did a little bit of acting untilI realized it's not for me at all.
But, uh, but I was alwaysa musician at heart.
So I had a little bit of that, but noteven close to, you know, what she has
(05:38):
in terms of artistic self expression.
And so through that and throughseeing that and through.
Understanding the differences and thenuances in life and the perceptions that
happen because, uh, because not onlyas being a daughter or a girl, but also
being very artistic and very dimensionalin her thinking and her approach to
(05:59):
life taught me so much, really openedme up to being a way better parent.
I mean, that was, that, thatcreated everything on my foundation.
That moved me into the direction ofworking with women and working with
women specifically with confidencebecause I, because she taught me that.
And in, and in response to that, wesort of worked this out together.
(06:23):
I always tell my women clients,I'll never be able to empathize.
Cause I'm not a woman, but I cancertainly sympathize and be as
big of an advocate as I can be,uh, from a girl, dad perspective.
And so that's my approach to my clientsand my approach to my grandkids now and
my granddaughter, uh, and I'll still myapproach, uh, to my daughter as well.
(06:45):
And we're just, we have a verygreat, happy tribe and, uh,
you know, every day is amazing.
Lee (06:52):
Tony, one, one thing real quick here.
How are you a grandfather?
You do not.
Thank
Tony (06:57):
you.
It's amazing.
I appreciate that.
. Uh, it, it, a lot offilters on the camera.
A lot . Gotcha.
Seven layers.
The foundation I learned from my daughter.
Are you real
Kat (07:09):
or are you AI
, Tony: right?
Yeah.
It's, it's all ai.
Have you seen that new ai?
Not to digress, but man, thatnew AI is just incredible.
It's like a real person, right?
I was very lucky becausegenetics in my family and my
mom always looked like she was.
35 years younger.
And so I just, I'll just roll with that.
Yeah, that's good.
Lee (07:28):
I did have a question though, because some of the most like beautiful
things or works that, um, we as humanslike create and whatnot, usually come
from a source of, um, pain, struggle,some kind of like conflict and whatnot.
And obviously you kind of went overit real quickly, but divorce is like a
splitting, you know, a separation, uh,that not, uh, Many people really spend
(07:49):
a lot of time on delving into the painthat's really associated with that.
I, too, years ago, uh, was divorced,uh, after about a year change of,
of marriage, and there is justa deep cut that that, that is.
And then to add on top of that, yourresponsibility was raising a daughter.
Raising her, what were some of thethings that you, you experienced, that
(08:09):
you witnessed in, in watching yourdaughter grow, some of the struggles
that she had, that even made thisidea of being the confidence stock?
Like, what were the.
the ground level things thatreally shook you to help want to,
like, make this change for people.
Tony (08:22):
It's so true that pain and despair and being at the bottom of the well
really brings on the creativity orthe, or the yearning for expansion.
I mean, it's either you give up andyou just sit there and rot away and
spin an ashtray in the corner of a darkroom, or you do something about it.
And with me, it was a double edge.
(08:44):
It was like a double kick to the gutbecause not only was I divorced and
you haven't going through that, thatseparation and, uh, that rejection.
And of course I had just my own childtrauma stuff, all of that poke that bear.
Like that was the big red button.
So it made that bad.
Plus the fact that the one thing I didnot want to do as a parent was to put
(09:09):
my child through a separated family.
I did not.
I mean, that's the last thing,because I never knew my real
dad and I had issues with.
You know, all that stuff.
And the one thing I didn't want to do wasthe exact thing that now I'm involved in.
And in that process, what I didwas I, and I'll, and I'll just
(09:30):
did, my daughter knows this too.
I, I overcompensated because I felt Ihad to, because not only was I dealing
with that stuff, at the same time,Rachel's mom wasn't showing up as a mom.
And so I felt as though I had to wear.
Kat (09:48):
Two roles.
Yeah.
Tony (09:50):
And I had, and, uh, and so, but I think that overall that really shaped me.
It shaped my mentality.
It really took me to school again, interms of figuring out what I need to do.
And the fact that this, this otherworld is a lot more nuanced than 26 or
(10:10):
seven years that I did up to that point.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And with that, you know, in psychology,we call it flooding and flooding
is, you know, like if you're afraidof spiders, they put you into
room full of spiders type thing.
Yeah, that was flooding for me becauseit was either you, you sink or you swim.
And that shaped everything movingforward because I was a finance major.
(10:33):
And, you know, going through college andI, it was in doing real estate stuff.
And it wasn't until I went through thatand realized and learn and had to read
books and went to therapy that I realizedthat that's really what I want to do.
And that changed everything.
And that got me to go when Iwas 29, I decided to go back
(10:54):
to school and Pepperdine waves,go waves, go waves, right?
So that's, that's when I wentback to Pepperdine and, uh, got my
master's in psychology because Ifelt as though that was my calling.
And I could, and the only way I couldhave gotten to that point was through
my daughter and through the situation.
And so as much as, Stuff happens.
That's just crappy stuff.
(11:16):
You know, it does lead you tosomething if you're open to it.
And that's the mentality Itake, you know, to this day.
Kat (11:24):
Yeah.
Is there anything in your upbringing,especially like in the realm of the
arts, because you said, you know,you play the guitar, you love music.
How has creativity Kind of pavedthe way for you to, you know, when
you became 27 and you got divorcedand now you're a single dad, you
know, uh, how does creativity playinto you stepping up into that role?
(11:47):
And actually, instead of, you know,sinking, you actually learned how to swim.
Right.
Tony (11:52):
Right.
Yeah.
Uh, creativity is one of themost powerful tools you can have.
Uh, not only is it just atool from an ex like sharing.
Like an experiential thing, you're sharingit with other people and getting them
involved in creating an environment ofself expression and self acceptance,
but it's also, you know, inner selfacceptance and self expression as well.
(12:13):
I mean, it's, it's, it's a perfectblend of both of those and having
the creativity that I did and.
Like I said, I wasn't likethe theater kid or anything.
I just, I enjoyed music and I alwaysjust had an ear for it and loved it and
was in bands and all that fun stuff.
But it wasn't until having my daughterand having her be such a theater
(12:34):
kid, uh, and that, uh, that I,that became a bond with both of us.
In me prepping her for her singingcontest, in me, you know, us reading
lines together, in, uh, in her goingover her songs ahead of, and so
me, you know, correcting her pitchand, and, you know, giving her some
(12:56):
feedback and thoughts and stuff.
It became a huge connector, to this day.
It's one of the biggest connectors ofmyself and my daughter in terms of our
relationship, because I feel as though,I feel as though creativity and, and
self expression is one of, if not themost powerful forces in this world.
And I have to tell you, I haven'tmet one single person that has that,
(13:20):
and that expresses that, and thatowns that, that isn't, you know,
ahead of the curve in terms of joy.
Having a good time.
You know, everybody has theirups and downs and all that.
But, uh, tell me, tell me it'snot a bad thing that, that
theater kids are like getting ingroups and singing like anywhere.
You can always tellwhere a theater kid is.
And I just love that because it,and that's how powerful it is.
(13:43):
It's moving.
It's so powerful.
Lee (13:46):
I was in, um, South Africa recently in Johannesburg
and, uh, flight got canceled.
Had to go to a hotel, stay overnight.
Then we came back.
But when I came back, uh,the timing was perfect.
Cause there was this like theater, Idon't know if it's theater group, but
there's a performance group and they'rejust ripping, I don't know if it's the
South African, like, National Anthemor whatever it was, but they're just
(14:07):
sitting there, stomping, singing, and,like, the, the, just the, the joy that
shot through the airport, the terminal,people stopped, started clapping, the,
um, the workers, like, all the people atthe cash register and everything, just
came running out, like, left the peopleat the counter, and came out and started
yelling and just, ah, and just that.
(14:28):
The energy that comes with thecreativity and the voice and yeah, it's
so it's so so powerful Yeah, I love
Tony (14:34):
that point.
It creates a tangible force.
It really does because you know,everything is energy everything is I
mean, that's the you know, I'm a bigquantum guy and and you know, my base
is my you know Foundational stuff isbased upon that and I feel as though
that that is the most powerful energy.
It's almost
Kat (14:51):
Mm hmm.
Especially, I mean, there's all sortsof creativity, but for me, I may
be a little bit biased, but there'ssomething about music, you know,
like there's obviously there's somany different types of creativity.
Of course, movement.
I love movement too, and all of that.
But man, there's something aboutwhen you put together movement and
music that is just the, I feel likethat that joy frequency that comes
(15:12):
out of that is through the roof.
At least that's how Ifeel in my own practice.
Tony (15:20):
The research base is the fact that it releases dopamine, I mean, it
releases the endorphins, and they'veseen that music is as powerful as, you
know, working out, or, you know, beingin a joyous event, or, you know, getting
married, I mean, it can move you and itcan create those excited neural pathways
to get you in a really good space.
(15:41):
I mean, and that's, you know, that's, youknow, they've researched that for years.
Kat (15:44):
Yeah, absolutely.
I want to kind of go back intowhen you said that, you know, your
father was absent in your childhood.
What were some of the, youknow, as you're growing up, you
know, without your dad, right?
Like being absent.
I grew up as well without my parents.
Not that I, they showed me thatthey loved me, but they were
just not there physically, right?
(16:04):
What were some of the, um, Limitingbeliefs that you had as a child that
you had to really overcome to stepinto the place that you are now.
I mean, I know it's a processas we're growing up, but you
know, what are some of those?
Tony (16:20):
Yeah, my situation was not to get way into it, but I had a step dad that
I didn't even realize was my step dadbecause nobody ever told me because that
happened when I was, you know, Two anda half or something until I was like 14.
So there's this level of, you know,base of deception that's going on.
Plus the fact that I was in ahousehold that was, that had extremely
(16:40):
strict boundaries that actuallyrestricted levels of artistic and
self expression, uh, because theydidn't want to be embarrassed.
Wow.
Right.
And, uh, and then there was a massivelevel of perfection because if, you
know, it's one of those things whereif I, you know, if I got a B plus
that, that would be very disappointing.
So it was always the carrot on the stickand you could never ever get the carrot.
(17:04):
And so there was a level of perfection.
The lack of it of acceptance forwho I was as a kid, which always
translates because kids just always,you know, take that upon themselves
and that creates a level of, of, oflack of self acceptance of yourself.
And then, and those are the things thatin growing up very much restrict you.
(17:27):
And I feel as though the, themusic when I started doing it,
which was, I mean, it started.
playing guitar when I was eight,but it wasn't until probably in
high school, oh, it was high schoolwhere I started with the band stuff.
And then you start getting, youknow, really self expressive and,
and a little rebellious and whatnot.
And I, and I realized that that was theway I was rebelling against that whole
(17:49):
system that I was, that I grew up in.
The walking on eggshells perfectionist,you know, self esteem stuff.
And I, and the second that I was acceptedwithin the realm of my bandmates and
people having a good time when we wentout to do gigs, that was it for me.
That was like, talk about a drug.
Oh my God.
That was incredible.
That's, that's how I got out of it.
(18:11):
And that's why I just, I love thefact that when you got in contact
with me and, and I knew what we weregoing to be talking about today, it
was this, because it's again, it'sthe force is extremely powerful.
And I just, I love talking about it.
Lee (18:25):
Wow, that's incredible.
How often are you able to bring inthat passion for music, the impact of
music into your, your sessions with.
You're the people, thewomen that you're working
Tony (18:37):
with every time I did because one of the first intake questions I asked
them is, you know, what do you listen to?
I mean, what do you do?
What do you do for fun?
I do, you know, is it dancing?
Is it I mean, do youdo anything like that?
The amount of music or the what theylisten to Is a huge indicator of
mindset and if you want to be stuck ina in a bad situation Bummer mindset,
(19:01):
then, you know, they're going tobe telling me they're listening to
some old sappy country stuff, right?
Where the dog and the pickuptruck are always leaving, right?
So,
yeah, I'd say so if that, ifthat's the case, it says a lot.
About that, but I always, and then Iused, I use, I almost do musical therapy
(19:21):
along with the two other things thatI, in fact, I think, Kat, I think we
talked about this on the two showsabout journaling and meditation that
are incredibly, uh, effective in termsof getting you You know, getting your
mindset straight and getting you alignedand getting your foundation set, I think
music is another one of them, becauseif you want to get yourself in the right
(19:43):
mindset, uh, start playing it, startgetting it, start setting it up to where
it benefits you, uh, and getting you,you know, Going in the right direction.
So I use it with every single client.
Kat (19:56):
Yeah, that's amazing.
And, um, when you were growing up andyou're saying, you know, that you had
such a strict upbringing and all, andthen finding out that, you know, the
dad that you thought was your dad wasactually your stepfather at age 14, right?
All of these things, obviously there'sso many range of emotions and thoughts
(20:16):
that can go through a child's mind.
Uh, when you go throughthat, um, did you have any.
Mentor that kind ofhelped you cope with that.
Did you have any?
And
Tony (20:28):
yeah, my maternal grandfather.
Yeah,
Kat (20:29):
awesome.
And what did he, how didhe help you through that?
Tony (20:33):
He and my grandmother accepted me and, you know, welcome me and
allowed me to, I mean, we hadband practice in their garage.
They, they allowed me to do that.
They, you know, they allowed me touse their big old Oldsmobile Delta
88, uh, to haul around the amps.
He actually co signed at like, like Moody.
(20:57):
I can't remember the music.
It was an old music store in LA, uh, thatwe went up there and we bought this beater
amp, you know, main amp system with a bigspeed, big, huge speakers, you know, back
in the day, you know, they were just,everything was a thousand pounds and
the speakers were like bigger than me.
He actually co signed.
The, the little loan that we had withthem and, you know, we had to pay him
(21:17):
like 40 bucks a month or something, butmy grandfather drove up with us to LA
and he co signed for, so we could haveour amps so we could start playing gigs.
So it was, yeah, there was, he was thesaving grace, he and my grandmother.
And, uh, ultimately I ended up.
Uh, staying with them.
I moved out of my right afterI graduated high school.
(21:40):
I actually stayed over there mostly.
And then when I ended up going to SanDiego State, when I always came back up
to Orange County, which is about an hourand 15 minutes drive over the weekends or
whatever, I would always stay with them.
So I ended them.
Staying.
I ended up moving in withthem because that was real.
That was really my home.
And I always considered that myhome more so than my other house.
Kat (22:01):
It just speaks volumes to me because my grandmother was that for me too.
Um, you know, my grandmother wasthe one who, you know, took me to my
ballet lessons and my piano lessons.
And, uh, Really encouraged me to, tokeep with piano and when I wanted to
quit, it was, she was there for me,you know, so that just you sharing
(22:21):
that story just gives me that justa flashback of how amazing, um,
Tony (22:28):
right?
Yeah.
How important is that to be?
Something to have that.
And that's why I want, Iwanted, always wanted that to
be, you know, with my daughter.
And I always want that tobe with my granddaughter.
I told my grandkids, uh, my granddaughteris 10 and my grandson is eight.
And, um, she's playing violinnow, which is super cool.
But I always told him, I said, if youguys ever, ever, ever want to do music
(22:49):
lessons or singing lessons, I got it.
I got it covered.
Just let me know, signup, and I got it covered.
Because it's incredibly, incrediblyimportant, uh, to, I believe, to, for
every single child to have music intheir life in some form or fashion.
Or, or, or singing, or, youknow, anything like that.
Kat (23:08):
Yeah.
Tony (23:08):
What's it like,
Lee (23:09):
sorry, just jumping in, with, um, you had the experience of, Seeing your
grandfather be this example for you,but now, you know, years later, you're
being that for your own grandkids.
What, how does that feel?
Like, what,
Tony (23:26):
what are you pulling from that as, as you go through this?
It feels awesome, and I realizedthat now I know why he was so happy.
Yeah, because he's like, He alwayssaid, you know, both of them, my
grandmother too, she was awesome.
And they always said, you know,being grandparents the best.
I'm like, okay, yeah, whatever.
You know, you're older and you know,you're slower and you move around.
You get to, you feed, you know,you let me have more candy than my
(23:48):
mom and dad, but you know, what's,you know, what's the difference.
But then you get to be a grandparentand it's, it's just the greatest.
Because you're, because you're not inthat position where you need to be good
cop and or bad cop, uh, you're in aposition where you can be supportive
and you can also be in a position whereyou can be a friend, but not a friend.
If that makes sense.
You can be somebody that's, that's thereand listens and ask questions and, uh,
(24:12):
and gets them to be involved in somethingwhere you guys can be a team on something,
uh, without having to straddle the parent.
Line because sometimes with theparent line, it's hard to do that
and keep the boundary where you needto have it because a lot of parents
nowadays are trying to be the bestfriend and that doesn't work at all.
(24:34):
I think we've seen the results ofthat, uh, you know, so that way, but
the grandparent can be, uh, without,without undermining, uh, the parents.
So that's, that's why Iabsolutely, and I take that from
my grandfather and my grandmother.
Because all I'm, all I'm doing is reallyjust emulating and modeling exactly what
(24:54):
I was taught by them in terms of, here itis, the number one thing, being present.
Kat (25:00):
Yeah, that's really great.
Lee (25:02):
With the modeling aspect, I just was thinking back, um, after you had
your separation, you're raising yourdaughter on your own, not to go back
too far, but with, um, I have thisTV show, This is Us, in my head.
There's this awesome scene where,uh, this mom, she takes in, um,
(25:23):
African American or a black kid.
And then they're at the pool, and sheends up going to these, um, black moms to
kind of figure out, like, what do I do?
You know, and justconnecting, um, through that.
process.
Did you have like female mentorsthat were kind of helping you with
raising your daughter or what?
How did you figure some of that out?
Tony (25:41):
My mom did help.
Yeah, a lot.
It just, she was, as much as I wasin a very strict environment at the
time, uh, growing up, uh, she wasvery good at setting boundaries.
She was very good at prioritizing, youknow, levels of, Discipline without being
overboard at what she wasn't the issue.
(26:03):
The big issue with me growing up.
Uh, she was complicit in a lot ofthat, but she wasn't the main gig.
It was the step dad.
So she taught me a lot.
She actually helped mea lot with my daughter.
At the time, and for me, and youknow, people say, Oh, teenagers
are the worst, or, you know,they're hardest and most of it.
(26:23):
I felt as though the first two, threeyears were the most difficult, uh, with
the infant, they can't talk, uh, andit's a girl and there's different things.
And I was like, I don't know.
So my mom was really good.
And at, in the early years, shereally did step up and help out a lot.
Kat (26:41):
That's
Tony (26:41):
awesome.
Lee (26:42):
As I, um, I've got three different nieces, and they're
all at different stages.
One's, um, looking at colleges,one's in, uh, she just had her
homecoming dance two nights ago.
And then, um, The other one is ineighth grade and it's just awesome
watching them at different stages,but it's, you know, that, that outside
perspective, sometimes it's, it's great.
(27:03):
I haven't experienced raising a daughter,but seeing things that they do is
watching my, you know, my sister and mybrother raise them and making different
decisions and trying to balance thatline of being a friend, being, you
know, a parent and having to lay downthe law at the same time, balancing
that with, you know, another like her.
(27:27):
Her ex coming and havingsay on different things.
It really complicates.
Tony (27:33):
Yeah.
Again, that's a whole other show.
Um, yeah, with, with the, especially withan ex or a co parent and I use that term
loosely, but, uh, that is not on board.
The same page at not on the same universeas you and I found myself a lot, which is
the reason why ultimately I had reachedlike 98 percent of the time because we
tried to do the split thing and thenevery time that she came back to me,
(27:56):
I'd have to deprogram her or, you know,like, Set her back in terms of a solid
foundation from the absolute dumpster firethat was happening at the other place.
Because Rach, Rach as a kid, she didn'tunderstand the differences in terms of
the way that the households were set upand the boundaries and the systems that
were or lack thereof that were in place.
(28:16):
And so she came back and, you know,kids just Kids just roll, right?
I mean, their whole, their wholereality is just like as far as
the nose in front of their face.
And so they just keep in, so whenthey get to the back to a place where
there's expectations, you know, allof a sudden it's just, you know,
it's just, it's crazy to rope her in.
It's like herding cats.
And so no pun intended, right?
(28:38):
Is
Kat (28:39):
this where, where the book came from?
Surrounded by idiots?
Tony (28:43):
Yeah, well, yeah, that was, there are, let me just
say without pointing fingers.
Yes, exactly.
That's exactly where it
Kat (28:51):
came from.
That's hilarious.
Lee (28:56):
I was like, it's that or maybe.
He watched Spaceballs and there'sthat scene where Darth Helmet is like.
Tony (29:02):
I 100 percent yeah, Darth Helmet is, is a, I'm a huge fan.
For the record, that's a classic.
Young Frankenstein is my favorite,but Spaceballs is top three.
Well,
Kat (29:15):
I just want to kind of go back to what you said.
Cause you know, when you, whenRachel comes back to you, right.
And you're like, well, I have toset her again in a, in a solid
foundation and all of that.
Yeah.
What do you think as, what would youradvice be to parents, um, uh, when it
comes to, you know, the desire to, toraise them into children who grow up into
(29:38):
adults with brilliant minds and bravehearts, what does that mean to you to
grow into an adult to have a brilliantmind and a brave heart and what's that
foundation to set them up towards that?
Tony (29:53):
Yeah, there's two parts to that.
And I appreciate because before theshow, you did send over some like
some basis in terms of what we'regoing to talk about, which I love.
And I should probably do that withmy with the people that on my show.
I don't I just let it wingand you know, you never know
what's going to happen, right?
But two things.
My background and myfoundation is stoicism.
And from my PhD, it's alwaysstoic philosophy and stoicism
(30:14):
is courage and discipline.
One.
And justice and wisdom.
Those are the four pillars that I'vethat I set and that I set for my
daughter to when we're growing up.
You also you asked a question,and I think this is what you're
referring to in your question.
You asked was, uh, what canparents do to nurture creativity?
I think this is like one of the mostimportant questions, uh, and in the thing
(30:36):
is, I think a lot of parents, a lot ofparents are so involved in the now and
so involved in the crisis and reactionthat they don't, they're not proactive on
these things in terms of setting them up.
So the first thing is,First thing is easy.
It's just model the behavior,model the behavior, model,
discipline, model, courage, model,be consistent, you know, anything.
(30:58):
The funny thing is, you know, a lot ofparents think, Oh, you know, I, you know,
do as I say, not as I do type of a thing,uh, they do, you know, they do something.
Kids are total sponges.
And they, not just consciously,but subconsciously, and they'll
pick up on every single thing.
And if they keep picking up onthe parent being, you know, out
(31:18):
of integrity, what, what kind ofmodeling is that for the kids?
And so model behavior,it's really important.
And it'll make you a better persontoo, because it'll keep you on track.
It's like, you know, it's justlike self checking yourself.
The second thing is createtangible boundaries that allow
room for self expression.
So create boundaries.
(31:38):
It could, again, the best friend thingand letting them run the household
is a terrible idea because they'rejust not, they're not set for it.
Plus kids, as much as they hate it.
Like they'll tell you they hate it.
They love boundaries because theyknow if they know and there's
not a level of insecurity.
There's not a level of fear of not oflike what's gonna happen if there's a
safety net there that they know thatthey can play in like the bounce house.
(32:02):
All the four walls are there.
They know that they're there.
Then they're that as muchas they'll whine about it.
It's a good thing for them.
But in that context, Ialways told my daughter.
Yeah.
And everybody in my family, and thisis where we had a big blowout with the
family, because they thought I gave herway too much room for self expression.
And I said, yeah, that'sexactly what I'm doing.
(32:23):
Because we still have our agreementthat there's levels of respect.
I'm still the dad.
I'm not the buddy andyou've got to respect that.
And if you do step over the line,which she did, then, uh, you,
then there's consequences to that.
But the key is, is that in orderfor anything to happen from a
creativity standpoint, you'vegot to give them enough rope.
(32:45):
You have to, it can't be a super smallbubble to live in because they'll never
be able, they'll never trust themselvesin that because they don't have the room
to trust themselves and it'll just be,it'll end up being, you know, something
that it'll fester within them and thenthey'll have to go to therapy and believe
me, that's, you know, that's super fun.
The next thing is toprioritize being present.
(33:07):
With your child.
And that's the thing mygrandfather and grandmother did.
And the thing that I do, Itry to do as much as I can.
Be present with them.
Put the stupid phone down.
Uh, play UNO for the 27th time.
Yeah.
Right?
Which I did this morning becausemy granddaughter slept over.
She had a sleepover last night.
Uh, you know, be, be present, right?
(33:28):
Uh, color the picture with them.
Right?
Sing the song with them.
Be present is really important.
Encourage critical thinkingand problem solving through
asking questions with the kids.
The study in a lot of the confidencebooks that I read in terms of the
basis of my education, there's, there'sa study that one of the greatest
(33:51):
confidence creators in children isto ask them to teach you something.
Oh,
Kat (33:58):
so
Tony (33:58):
good.
Ask them to teach you something.
I bet, I mean, I don't know if you'vedone that personally, uh, Kat, with
any of your clients or something, butit, it, that's a, that's a good, I
know a lot of teachers use that, too.
It's kind of that whole thing where,okay, say it back to me type of a thing.
You know, just kind of repeat itand see if they, and then they teach
you something and, oh, okay, great.
But that's so powerful.
Those are the things, um, oh, and thenthe last thing is, uh, embrace failure
(34:20):
as a really, really important learning.
And expansive tool failureis not a bad thing.
It's the way that you learn.
It's the way that you grow.
It shows that you're taking stepsbecause if you don't take steps,
then you're not going to fail.
If you don't fail, you don't take it.
You know, it's just so those are thethings that I would say to nurture,
(34:43):
um, very art, you know, the art, theartistic and expressive nature and
Children and to allow them to developinto their own person, which isn't
that our job in the first place?
Mhm.
You know, that those are thesteps that I would say to take.
Lee (34:56):
Yeah.
And that's so many, so many differentquestions and statements going up to
my head because there's, there's somuch in just those, those few points.
But I think the bubble, you know, ifyou keep too tight of a leash, just
being in higher education for the last20 years, when they get that freedom,
(35:16):
they get that chance to just be ontheir own, whoo, the decisions that are
made because they just haven't had any.
Any freedom at all.
So then they just run until they hit awall, you know, and then have to learn
about those boundaries and then on theother side to where they just run and
run and run and run and run and run, youknow, the mom and dad aren't going to be
(35:37):
the ones necessary to pull on the rope.
But somebody in the community is goingto have to, and that usually is a harder
yank than what mom and dad will do.
Tougher lesson.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tony (35:48):
There's so, yeah.
So I love, I love thosestatements of what you just said.
Go ahead.
It's funny you brought that up becausemy first year as a freshman, I was a,
I graduated seven out of 800 people.
Right.
I was like 3.
96, whatever.
And, uh, and got into Cal StateFullerton is where I went.
I was going to be an engineer.
I was there.
I was an engineer for threeweeks, but that's another story.
And then
Kat (36:08):
finance and then psychology.
Tony (36:10):
Yeah.
And then, oh yeah.
And then biology.
And I mean, I did likeeight different majors.
It was ridiculous.
So I ended up, uh, ended up getting there.
It took, you know, 15 unitsof typical, you know, whatever
workload, not a big deal.
You know, chemistry, because I lovethat stuff and I was really good at it.
Right.
So of course, just like you said,you know, getting into a university,
getting there, absolutely imploded.
(36:31):
First of all, joined afraternity, worst mistake ever.
Uh, had all those classes, had, hadto dump the lab, like eight and a
half minutes into my college career.
Cause there's no way I'mshowing up for the lab.
Right.
And then, uh, and then ultimatelyI got, uh, I, I dropped classes.
I got a C and a D I'd nevergotten anything less than a B.
My life.
(36:52):
. Kat: Yeah.
And then, and you know why?
Because the exact thing you just said,that's why, 'cause I was such a tight
little bubble that I got out there.
I was like, woo-hoo.
Right Party time.
I mean, I didn't even likebeer until like 20 minutes into
stepping into the fraternity.
And then you don't have a choice, right?
They, they hand you a beer bong andthat's like the rest of your semester.
(37:13):
So, uh, and so I completely agree withthat and I bet you see that a lot.
Lee (37:19):
Yeah, yeah, it is, it's, it is a parent's responsibility, but also in
the society that we live in, there's somany messages that are going out there
in social media and TV, you know, what'sthe right thing to do as a parent, what's
the wrong thing to do as a parent, butyou really, like your point where you
have to know your child, you have toknow what they need to really get those
boundaries set for themselves and not, notbe, you know, Uh, a dictator over it, uh,
(37:43):
but also not be the, you know, foo foo,tree huggin Like, just completely free
Tony (37:50):
end of things, you know?
That balance.
Exactly.
And it's not impossible.
The, the balance is not impossible.
And the way you know your, your childis to, is to be present with a child
and ask questions of the child, becausenot all kids, every kid's different,
as you know, because you, you know, youwork with kids, every kid's different.
And, you know, they respondto different things.
They stimulate, stimulateto different things.
(38:11):
They, you know, some things it just,so you have to learn about your kid.
And I got to tell you, andI've told my daughter this too.
I said, you know, nowadays, I thinkparents have it a lot tougher.
Now they really do.
I mean, I, I brought Rach upin the pre internet stuff.
All that stuff was just kind of coming in.
I mean, shoot, I didn't even get acomputer till I was in my late twenties.
(38:33):
So, uh, and used a pager, you know,so, uh, nowadays with social media and.
It's crazy because kids minds arevery impressionable and they, more so
now than ever, they need balance andguidance and structure and, uh, you
know, expectations, like, realistic,and, uh, so, and that's the parent's job.
Lee (38:57):
One thing I do appreciate with, at least with.
My brother and sisters, they, theycollect cell phones at the end of the
night so they can kind of like go througha scan and make sure how, how wild, you
know, things are getting and whatnot.
And then the kids alsoknow that that's coming.
So then they kind of restrict themselves.
Or they delete it.
Yeah.
True.
Yeah.
(39:18):
But then, you know, there, there isthat trust though that's built up where,
like, I know I'm going to get intocertain trouble if I go too far with
this research or I start going downthis rabbit hole of whatever it is.
Um, when you're working with.
Uh, what women specifically, that can bea danger that opens up a lot of different
worlds, you know, how, how do you,how do you kind of navigate that with.
(39:42):
With the women that you're working with,or even maybe it's with your, you know,
with your daughter, with your grandkids.
Tony (39:47):
Uh, you mean in terms of like creating the expectations or, or,
uh, Yeah, and creating like kindof self guidance, self regulation.
Yeah, that's, that's it, right?
I mean, that's the huge thing, especiallynowadays, because the, as much as it has
been in the past to where And I won't getinto the whole thing about different power
plays and people making decisions foryou and really downplaying your opinions
(40:12):
and saying, no, we know what's right.
And, you know, that kind of stuff.
But creating a level of independenceand autonomy within the kid is just
about empowering them to be them.
And that's true confidence.
True confidence is not aboutbeing competent about stuff
and knowing everything.
God, no.
You know, nobody knows everything, right?
But, you know, peoplethink that they have to.
It's about just being cool withyourself and your foundation
(40:36):
and accepting it warts and all.
And it, and the best thing and the giftyou can give anybody and kids and, and
the reason why I do what I do and I talkto my clients all the time is because
that's the one thing I want to give them.
I want to give them what I already see inthem that they don't see in themselves.
Kat (40:53):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Tony (40:55):
Is the fact that they have this power.
It's incredible.
Kat (40:58):
Absolutely.
I love that you're talkingabout like the self regulation.
I really tie it back to like pianoI, I keep going back to when you're
learning to play an instrument.
It's one of the very, you know,unless you're in a band, but even
when you're in a band, right?
You still have to learn thingson your own, alone, right?
(41:18):
It's very different than dance.
Usually dance, you go to a dancestudio, you're with friends.
Sports team, you go to, you know,sports and you practice your
sport with a bunch of people.
Drama club, the same thing.
You have to, you have torun lines with other people.
There's always someonethere with you, usually.
And we play a musical instrument.
You have to sit down by yourselfand to just do it by yourself.
(41:42):
No one's keeping you accountable.
No one's, you know, when you make amistake, no one's telling you what to do.
Like, it's almost like you have tolearn how to practice by yourself.
And that's a level of selfregulation that I feel like I got
as a child that I didn't know.
And as an adult, I realized, oh mygosh, the hours I was It's putting
sitting on a piano bench actuallytaught me what it means to like self
(42:04):
regulate self discipline myself.
Tony (42:08):
Yeah.
That's, isn't that huge?
That's huge.
Kat (42:10):
It's huge.
Yeah.
Tony (42:12):
What a tool to be taught without even understanding really what you
were being taught, but that is so true.
And it's, it's somethingthat I don't think.
Is as widespread as it used to be, becausewe're in this three second and then move
on to the next thing environment now,instead of putting the time in creating
a foundational, you know, process withinyourself and, you know, like I like I say
(42:35):
with my clients when they have an issue.
And they come into me.
It's not about it's notabout saving the world.
It's about taking a piece of that,like a small piece and learning
how to work through creatinga solution to the small piece.
It's taking that small step to createa foundation and a plan to move on
(42:56):
to something else and and sittingthere and learning how to practice and
learning how to maybe be frustrated.
God knows you see the you.
frustrates the heck out of me, right?
But learning that that's part of theprocess and then being okay with it,
especially for a perfectionist, I mean,is such a huge asset to have because
that translates into any other thingyou can do in terms of expanding your
(43:20):
life in terms of relationships or careeror, you know, building a car in your
garage or whatever the case may be.
That's a core foundational learning.
And that's why that and again, anotherreason why music is awesome and learning
and learning an instrument is amazing.
Kat (43:40):
Yeah, absolutely.
How do you think can, asidefrom, you know, all of the other
things, uh, when it comes to.
Music and, uh, kind of liketeaching kids leadership values.
Um, what is another thing that comes toyour mind when it comes to instilling
that into kids through creativity,maybe not just music, but through
creativity in general, you know, um,another leadership value that you feel
(44:03):
is so important as an adult that can beinstilled, uh, into a child's life at a
young age through creativity and music.
Tony (44:11):
Self accountability, because I, especially, especially with music,
like you just said, practicing,you know, if you say, listen.
In order to get to a certain point, thisis the sacrifice that you have to make.
And how many times have you heard,in fact, I heard Elton John say this.
He said, you know, I wanted to be theguy out there playing after school.
Outside.
Outside playing.
(44:31):
Like with all the other kids.
He goes, but, you know, my mom or Ithink it was his aunt or somebody that
he said, no, but I, I had my studies.
I had my Piano teachings and,you know, going through that, he
goes, you know, now look back.
It's like, obviously, it'sawesome because the guy's amazing.
Right.
But he said at the time, he didn't realizethat that's what he was being taught.
(44:53):
He was being taught a level ofaccountability in terms of doing
something that you committedto and following through.
How huge is that, especially nowadays?
Kat (45:02):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Amazing.
Well, Tony, this is so wonderful.
Just talking to youabout all these things.
I know we could go on and onand on and on and on and on.
Tony (45:13):
Don't get us starting to talk about music or Pepperdine
because forget about it, man.
This will be like a 10 hour show.
Kat (45:21):
Um, but if you were to kind of leave our audience with, uh, your idea of a
wildly wealthy life, What would that be?
Tony (45:30):
I'm glad you got to this because I, I, yeah, I made some notes because I, I
love the name, the wildly wealthy life.
I just love that.
And this is a guy I'm pointing tomyself for you people who are listening
without seeing that uh, that moneywas everything to me because we, we
were brought up with not having a lot.
And so the whole focus of my family was,you know, not having a lot of money.
(45:53):
That was that defined everythingabout us and me and my mindset.
So it took a lot to get outof that, like a lot, a lot.
And of course, it was my daughter, youknow, talk about, you know, pivotal, they
call them nodal events in psychology.
Nodal events are those things that arelike, Completely change your life, like
maybe not instantaneously, but definitelyset you on a totally different path and
(46:14):
where you were and, you know, and thatshe did that for me and bringing her up.
So the wildly wealthy life, ofcourse, you hear it from a lot of
people and it is what it is, right?
But the wealthy has zero to do with money.
You know, the, the, the money is a partof it, but the overall definition and
the concept is nothing to do with money.
(46:35):
It has to do with enrichment.
It has do with the joy.
It has to do with really figuringout why the heck that you're
here or why you want to be here.
And for me, the wildly wealthylife is a life unfolding in
alignment with my values.
If I can, if I can align my valuesand my foundation, my, you know, my,
my stoic value, you know, courage,discipline, justice, wisdom, you
(46:57):
know, accountability, all that stuff.
If I can align that with myactions consistently, which, hey,
you know, I'm like anybody else.
There's good days and bad days, right?
I mean, the older you get, the easierit gets from what I've figured out.
But the more I can do that, the, the moreI feel in alignment and I feel as though
not only does that benefit me, but thenI'm modeling it to people around me.
(47:20):
And I'm also that energy.
Is expressed.
And I think that energy is, is shownand it just creates more positive
energy in the universe because.
I believe in that stuff.
The second thing is, is that mygoals also align with my values.
So if I have that and I'm aligned,then my goals that I'd set for
myself and for my family aregoing to align with that as well.
(47:43):
And, and almost take, almost pullme into the life that I want.
And the life that is, you know, thatis wealthy, it's a wealthy life.
Um, a really important part abouthaving a wildly wealthy life
is having a supportive tribe.
You cannot do anything on your own.
(48:04):
You can't.
I mean, you know, you really can't.
You have, you've got to have some support.
You've got to have that support.
So I think a tribe is insanely important.
And, uh, my family is my tribe.
My tribe.
You know, me and my, the littleminions, all, all, all of us.
And then, um, the last but not least, andthis goes back to the old psychology, I'm
(48:25):
a very, I'm a kind of a Maslow guy, the,the, you know, the hierarchy of needs.
So it's giving and giving tome is understanding and being
okay with all this inside now.
And now I can give it out.
And that's self actualization.
That's the top of the pyramid.
So if you can get to the point whereyou're cool and you're set and you're
(48:46):
all good and you're not worriedabout your own stuff and, you know,
blindsided by that and you can, youknow, see through the clouds and help
people out and share not only sharetangible things, but share your energy.
That's giving.
And, you know, helping people out.
And so that those are the things to methat are exemplify a wildly wealthy life.
Kat (49:07):
Wow.
That was all amazing.
so much.
so much.
We are so blessed to have you today.
Um, thank you for gracing our podcastwith your presence and, uh, I'm
excited to share it with our audience.
Yeah, we, we basically had this podcast,Tony, um, back in 2020, we were really
(49:29):
talking about like financial freedom inthe podcast before, but, but with a focus
on financial freedom, actually beingtied to intentional generosity, which
is exactly what you just said, you know,at the very end there, which is really,
it's all about giving of yourself, right?
Because what, what does it do toyou to have a worldly, wealthy
life when you All yourself
(49:49):
. Tony: Right, exactly.
And those people are themost miserable, right?
Yeah, absolutely.
Um, yeah, so it's just incredible tokind of change the angle a little bit.
And our angle now it's really talkingabout how can we instill early
foundational values into our kids sothat they can have a wildly wealthy life.
Tony (50:06):
I love it.
I think it's a great idea for show.
Yeah.
Thank
Kat (50:10):
you so much.
Yeah.
Where can people find you?
Tony (50:14):
I have, uh, the confidence doc.
com is the website.
I've got a brand new masterclass out.
It's an hour.
It's a taped hour thing that I did.
And it's basically like two sessionsput into one and it's all about
toxic relationships for women.
It's about recognizing if you're in atoxic relationship or if you already
know, which, you know, most women areinsanely intuitive and they already
(50:35):
know they're in a toxic relationship.
It's about how to get out.
It's about steps to takeand able to get out.
So I have that.
And that's at theconfidence doc dot store.
S T O R E.
Kat (50:45):
Nice.
Awesome.
And we'll also put it inthe show links for sure.
Tony (50:48):
Perfect.
Yeah.
So those are the only,those are the two places.
Then I'm on, you know, I'm on my podcastand she talks confidence and, um, that's
on YouTube and all the podcast platforms.
Yep.
Kat (50:59):
Amazing.
Well, thank you, Tony.
Tony (51:01):
Oh, thank you.
This was great.
Kat (51:04):
All right, friends, that's a wrap on today's episode of Wildly Wealthy Life.
We hope you're feeling fired upand ready to take on the world with
your brilliant mind and brave heart.
Lee (51:13):
If you love this episode, make sure you hit that subscribe button on YouTube
or your favorite podcast platform.
It helps us keep bringingyou the good stuff.
Kat (51:19):
And hey, while you're at it, drop us a rating or review.
It takes like what?
30 seconds and it makesa huge difference for us.
Lee (51:26):
Also, if you know someone who could use a little guidance on growth,
mindset, leadership and creativity,share this episode with them.
Sometimes that one conversationcan spark up a whole new direction.
Kat (51:35):
Thanks for hanging out with us today.
Go out there, live wildly, be wealthyin all the ways that matter to you.
And we'll catch you on the next one.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com