August 4, 2023 • 37 mins
In the journey of self-discovery, we often find ourselves grappling with the nagging question: "Am I enough?"
Life's struggles can weigh heavily on our hearts, especially when we feel inadequate.
But fear not, today we will look deep into building self-esteem and self-confidence.
In the face of doubt and self-limiting beliefs, we shall uncover four distinct types of self-worth that shape our perception of ourselves. Everything we have achieved may seem meaningless at times, however, through this pivotal moment of awakening, we shall uncover the true essence of our purpose and redefine our paths with newfound meaning.
As we navigate life, we will encounter moments of hesitation and indecision, fearing the uncertainty of future steps. Together, we shall cultivate the courage to take that vital first step towards growth and fulfillment.
In this episode, you'll learn:
The type of mindset we should avoid
The reason why our confidence is low
How to improve your self-worth and self-esteem
How to get out of the the struggles that limit you
Let's join hands as we take steps towards stepping forth into the world with renewed purpose and self-assurance.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
00:00 Intro
02:02 When you’re stuck with feeling like you aren’t enough, how do you deal with it?
05:38 Life is a struggle especially when you think you aren’t enough
10:01 What happens when you realize everything you’ve done in life is useless?
14:25 Type #1: The sense of security and safety is such an important part of our self-worth
15:53 Type #2: When you know your values, it's easier for you to make decisions.
17:06 Type #3: The self-confidence we experience through competence, a skill, an ability that we have
18:54 Type #4: Do you have a place or space that you feel comfortable and you belong to?
22:48 This is one of the reasons why so many struggle so much
24:29 We keep thinking about taking future steps but we never take the first step
26:20 Here’s how you can do to help boost your self confidence
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be
adding a really special offering onto the back of my
solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily
series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while
outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress
free life. We dive into a range of topics and
the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long,
(00:22):
so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter
how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the
on Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for
you this year, so I'll be playing a handpicked Daily
Jay during each of my Friday podcasts. This week, I'm
sharing an inspiring story that motivates me and hopefully can
motivate you too. Of course, if you want to listen
(00:45):
to The Daily Jay every day, you can go subscribe
to Calm. So go to calm dot com forward slash
j for forty percent off your membership today. Hey everyone,
welcome back. It is so good to be here with you.
Thank you so much for choosing on Purpose, for being
(01:06):
in your ears right now, whether you're walking your dog,
whether you're cooking, whether you're hanging out with a friend,
listening together, whatever you're up to, or you're driving to
and from work. I just want you to know thank you.
I appreciate you. I'm glad you're here. And it's been
an incredible year so far. We've had some phenomenal guests
on the show, everyone from Rick Ruben to Tom Holland
(01:31):
to who else have we had? I mean, doctor Joe Dispenser,
Kim Kardashian, Ryan Holiday, Cynthia Arrivo. That episode was really,
really special. It has been a phenomenal, phenomenal journey to
share with all of you, and I hope you're enjoying
the content. Every week, we've got so many more experts,
cultural change makers, and celebrities to come on the show.
(01:53):
As always, I feel like we drive the conversation in
the direction of improving ourselves, becoming happier, healthier, and more healed.
Today's topic is one that I've been thinking about a lot,
but I don't think I've ever really spoken about fully,
and it's about this idea of low self worth, low
(02:13):
self esteem, and feeling like you're not enough. Now, if
you came to my live show, you heard me tell
this moment at the beginning of the show. So if
you go on to Google and you type in the
words will I ever The first thing that comes up
for most of us is will I ever find love? Okay,
(02:37):
stop doing it right now, I need your attention back.
The second thing that comes up is will I ever
be enough? And the third thing that comes up is
will I am net worth? That literally comes up if
you keep saying, and it's really interesting. I want to
go back to that second one, Will I ever be enough?
(02:57):
It is such a big question. You might be sitting
there right now or walking there right now thinking I'm
not smart enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not fast enough,
I'm not hard working enough. Fill in the blank. What
is that for you that you feel I am not
ex enough? Because we all have something, or maybe you
(03:19):
have a couple of things, and we also think I'm
not smart enough for It happens in our relationships too,
I'm not good enough for that person, I'm not good
enough for that relationship, and then it transfers into our careers.
I'm not good enough for that job, I'm not good
enough for that opportunity. I can't put in an application.
(03:41):
I don't have enough skills. This repetitive thought plagues our mind.
It's like an infection, and it's contagious too. We get
it off other people and we pass it on. And
maybe it's because someone told you at school that you
weren't good enough or smart enough. Maybe you had a
parent who always made you feel like you weren't enough.
(04:03):
Wherever it came from, it's our opportunity to address it
and understand it, because it's not serving us anymore. I'm
guessing you're here because you feel stuck. I'm guessing you're
here because you feel like you've lost a bit of momentum.
I'm guessing you're here because you doubt yourself, and you
know that that doubt blocks you from taking the steps
(04:24):
you want to take, or receiving love from someone else.
Maybe there's someone in your life who's been trying to
treat you right, but you don't know what that feels like,
so you'd rather they treat you wrong. Think about that
for a second. You've got someone in your life who
wants to treat you right, but you don't know what
that feels like, so you'd rather they treat you wrong,
(04:46):
even if it feels awful. It's interesting what we begin
to achieve and receive. Both what we try to achieve
and what we allow ourselves to receive, become reduced because
of low self worth, because of not feeling enough. You
(05:07):
end up achieving less and receiving less. It's not just
about you don't make as much success in your career
and you don't go out there and win.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
You actually let less in to yourself.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
The idea that we actually block so much goodness in
our life, so much goodness and greatness, because we don't
feel like we're enough.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
And you might be thinking.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Well, Jay, easy for you to say you feel like
you have it all figured out, and I want to
share with you. I want to take you back ten
years ten years ago. I'd just left the monastery around
ten and a half years ago, and I was moved
back in with my parents, living in their loft, the
(05:54):
place I grew up as a teenager. I was twenty
five years old and I was twenty five thousand dollars
in debt, and I was struggling to figure out my
next steps back to the bedroom I grew up in
as a teenager and what I try and do after
I managed to finally get up and get out because
for the first month I was just so depressed and stuck,
(06:16):
and all I was doing was listening to Drake, watching
How I Met Your Mother, and eating chocolate, three things
I definitely didn't do as a monk. After I got
out of that slump, I used to go to the
library and sit there for hours sending job applications, hoping
i'd be able to move out of my parents home,
and I was rejected by forty companies. I felt like
(06:40):
I wasn't enough. Surprise, surprise, no one wanted a former
monk right. They were like, what are your transferrable skills?
Sitting still and being silent? We don't need that. And
I felt like I wasn't enough when I sat in
a job interview and someone said to me, Hey, so
tell me what you've been up to. Tell me about
your recent work experience, and I was like, oh, my gosh,
(07:00):
I don't have any. And I'd feeled inadequate because that
wasn't good enough for them. And then when I talked
to my friends, all of my friends were now dating,
They were in good relationships, some of them were moving
into new apartments, some of them were getting promoted, some
of them looked like they were winning it life, at
least externally, and again I felt like I wasn't enough,
(07:23):
and I felt like I was behind.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
I felt like I was left behind.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
And the worst thing was I felt like it was
all my fault because people had said to me that
if I became a monk when I eventually failed, which
they predicted that I'd have committed career suicide, I would
have let my parents down, I would be behind everyone.
And now it felt like they were right. So I
(07:49):
really felt like I wasn't enough. Moved back into my parents' left,
rejected from forty companies, don't know where I'm going. And
then sometimes after I started dating Radi, who was my
girlfriend at the time is my wife today, and I
remember meeting her family for the first time. They invited
(08:10):
me over and they're wonderful people. I have such a
great relationship with them. But it's really interesting how when
you meet someone's parents for the first time, and actually
you'll find this in all areas of your life. When
you don't feel secure, when you don't feel like you're enough,
you project that insecurity onto other people. So when we
(08:30):
were at dinner, I was just hoping that i'd be
able to dodge the one dreaded question. I hope they
didn't ask, and I was doing okay. I was like, okay,
I made it through dinner. I'm fine, this is going
to be all right. And then I remember sitting down
with Rady's dad, and he's the sweetest man and he
didn't mean this in an intimidating way at all, but
(08:51):
that's how I took it because of my own insecurity.
And he said to me, so, what are you going
to do for work? And that question was like a
dagger to the whole I can't express to you just
how unconfident and insecure I felt in that moment, and
I didn't really have an answer. I felt like I
(09:11):
wasn't enough, and I felt like I was lost. I
was stuck. I was late, I was slow. I felt
like I'd missed my opportunity. And what makes it worse
is our comparison mindset. When you say things like I'm behind,
it means you think someone else is ahead. When you
say things like I'm late, it means you think people
(09:34):
are early. If you say things like I think I
missed my opportunities, it's because you think other people took them.
And so What we're really scared of is how we
look in comparison to other people. What we're really struggling
with is how we feel we're perceived based on other
people's supposed success, and all of that makes us feel
(09:58):
like we're less, less and less. Now, I want to
give you an insight into what I learned that evening.
I remember when I got home, I was sitting and
reflecting about why I felt like I wasn't enough. I'd
always chosen to follow my heart based on what I
studied at college to becoming a monk. I'd lived a
(10:22):
fulfilling life before. So why was it now that I
was putting all this pressure on myself? And I realized
it came down to one thing. I didn't feel like
I wasn't enough based on the choices I'd made. It's
about how i'd felt about the choices I'd made. Let
me explain what I mean by that, And before I
do that, I want to ask you how many of
(10:43):
you have one of those emotions right now that I
was feeling. How many of you feel like you're not enough,
that you're behind, that you're stuck, that you're lost, that
you're confused, that everyone's got to figure out. But you well,
if you are feeling that way, I want you to
know you're in.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
The right place.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
The reflection that I came up with, or realization that
came to my mind that night, was that I was
seeing everything I'd done in life until that point as useless.
Everything that i'd done up until the age of twenty five,
I was seeing as a waste of time and meaningless.
And now there was a tiny belief in me that
(11:20):
I had to find something meaningful. I had to find
something powerful. I had to find something positive. Basically, everything
up until when I was negative, I now had to
discover what was positive. And that was so wrong. That
mindset was so inaccurate. How many of you have ever
looked to your past and thought that was all a
waste of time. Now I'm going to find something meaningful.
(11:42):
That is such a destruction of your history. It is
such denial of the strength that you've accomplished, the pain
you've been through.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
It all has meaning.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Anything that helps you help someone else can't be worth less.
It has value and meaning. The problem was how I
saw my life, and the challenge is how you see yours.
Know that your experiences are what make you special. You
don't need a better story or journey. All of what
you've been through is what made you who you are today.
(12:19):
Your pain is enough, your story is enough, Your challenges
are enough, your mistakes are enough, your choices are enough.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
All of that is enough.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
It's not that you need a different past to create
a different future.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Your past as it is, if.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Accepted and embraced and seen as useful as collecting experiences,
collecting skills, collecting people, everything that you've experienced. If you
collect all of that and see it as worthy, what
you can create is phenomenal.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
You are enough. Your experiences are enough.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
And there's an incredible quote from Wayne Dayer where he said,
when we change the way we look at things, the
things we look at change. And that's what I realized
that I had to change the way I looked at
my past. I couldn't see my three years as a
monk as a waste of time. They weren't. They definitely weren't.
But it's crazy how a mindset can convince you that
(13:19):
they were. You might think, wow, I don't use my
college degree. What a waste of time. I promise you
there's a connection. There's a relationship there's a person, there's
an assignment that you did at college that has actually
made a difference in your life today. Now I'm not
backing up college. I'm backing up the idea that every
experience has had some positive impact in your life.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
I often think about it that why did I go
to college?
Speaker 1 (13:45):
And then I remember some of the case studies I
studied that inform my work. Now I remember some of
the relationships that taught me so much about friendship and connection.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
I remember some of.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
My good choices and my bad choices, and I wouldn't
have learned them any other way. It's so important to
take stock of your life and actually accept that there
is meaning and value there. Now, when you look at
the studies, they talk about four types of self worth
or four types of self esteem, and I've taken some
(14:19):
of these from research and thought about them myselves, and
I wanted to give you a bit of insight. So
one of the first ones is security and safety. A
lot of us didn't grow up feeling safe or secure
with our families, our parents, and so we are constantly
feeling unsafe or insecure around other people. But feeling a
(14:41):
sense of security and safety is such an important part
of our self worth, and the challenge is that if
someone doesn't create that environment for us growing up, we
have to focus on creating that environment for ourselves later
on in life. And often instead of creating it, we're
hoping to fall into someone else's. So often what ends
(15:02):
up happening is that instead of building it, we depend
on someone else being that safety net because we didn't
have it earlier. This feeling of not being enough is
what can make us codependent in relationships. It's also what
can make us push partners away or allow toxic partners
(15:23):
into our lives. Because if you don't feel a sense
of security and safety, you accept any type of behavior
towards you as safety and security because it gets you
one step ahead of loneliness and one step ahead of
being alone. And so that's where that particular one affects
you in life, is that if you don't feel that
security and safety, chances are your romantic relationships and the
(15:46):
relationships that are close around you are going to struggle
and suffer. So we want to focus on that one
specifically for that reason. The second type of self worth
that studies talk about is identity, and this I talk
about through the lens of values. When you know your values,
it's easier for you to make decisions about who you
(16:07):
want around you and who you don't. It's easier for
you to make decisions about what's aligned with your identity
and what isn't. What places you go to, what projects
you take on, what people you hang out with, all
of that can be inferred by your values. This part
becomes like a compass to you. And so I'm giving
(16:29):
you all of these because I want you to diagnose
or check with yourself which is the one you're struggling with. Now.
You may be struggling with a few of these, but
I want you to figure out which is the first
one you want to dive into for yourself, because you
can't do them all at the same time. And so,
how many of you a struggling with your values? If
I asked you what are your top three values?
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Would you know? If I asked you what are your
top three values in a friend? Would you know?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
If I asked you what are your top three values
in the person you want to become?
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Do you know?
Speaker 1 (16:56):
And if you're unaware, I'm not asking that in a
challenging way or in a stressful way it's just to
make you aware that that's where you want to start
putting your energy and emphasis. Now, the next one studies
talk about is the self confidence we experience through competence,
a skill, an ability that we have. And this one,
of course, massively affects our careers. Most of us end
(17:17):
up in jobs that were not that great at because
we were never told to focus on our skills. We
were told to focus on the skills that jobs needed,
and so there's a mismatch there, and so some of
us actually feel low self esteem. What we feel like
we're not enough because of our work, because we feel
we don't have skills at work. Notice how it's such
a subtle and specific thing. Whereas you might have skills
(17:39):
in something else, but you don't value yourself for that
because that's not what's being measured at work. So your
self worth currently, your self confidence could be based on
safety and security, could be based on your lack of
identity and values.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
It could be.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Based on an unawareness of your true competence and skills,
or being in a job or career that doesn't rely
on the one you love. And if we're neglectful of that,
that can create more challenges in our career because if
you keep doing something you're not good at or can't
get better at. And that's a second important point, that
you can get better at things you're not good at.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
But if you.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Don't do that act, your self esteem and your self
worth could always be low. And that's what I want
you to see with these four areas that in order
for us to have three sixty self esteem and self
confidence or total self worth, it requires us to focus
on these four areas. And without focusing on these four areas,
(18:36):
it can be very, very challenging to build it. So
some of you may be like, but I'm doing the
affirmations in the mirror, but I'm, you know, working hard
on my daily habits. I'm meditating every day, I'm working
out every day. Why am I not solving my self worth?
It's because of these It's because of this, and I
want you to come back to this. The fourth one
that research shows is belonging or a sense of community.
(18:57):
Do I feel like there is a play that I
feel understood? Right? There's a difference between being understood and
just being comfortable. You might be comfortable about a bunch
of people, but that's different from a sense of belonging.
The uniqueness in feeling like a sense of belonging is
that when you talk, you feel almost like you don't
(19:19):
have to add disclaimers and you don't have to over
explain yourself. Now, I'm not saying someone can read your mind.
That's unhealthy and not realistic. What I mean is that
you don't feel like you have to do the same
kind of over explaining that you might have to do
with someone else, or the kind of deep dive into
an area because you have a shorthand with these people.
(19:40):
Do you feel a sense of belonging? Do you feel
a part of something bigger? A lot of us need
to feel like a part of something bigger in our lives.
It's why we follow football clubs, It's why we take
on religion or spiritual areas in our life. It's why
we want to be part of a book club or
whatever it may be. We all want to be a
part of something because it gives us a sense of
(20:01):
self confidence. And so I want you to reflect on
your life and go which one of these do you
need to work on? And maybe it's all of them
and that's okay. And if I could suggest an order
I'd say that your identity and your values is a
great place to start, because that will help you choose
the right community. It will help you build safety and security,
and it will help you build competence and skills. But
(20:24):
all of these can happen in any order, and it
doesn't really matter. It just matters that you're aware of
these areas. Now, I was talking to a friend and
I want to talk about symptoms of how we feel
like we're not enough, and he told me he was
scared to start. And I asked him something that I've
been asked before. I said, are you scared of not starting?
(20:46):
Or are you scared of starting at zero? Right? I said,
You're not scared of starting, You're scared of starting at zero.
That hits right, that we can relate to that we
don't want to start at z zero followers, zero subscribers,
zero downloads, zero emails, zero phone numbers, zero contacts, whatever.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
It may be.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Even the number zero, we have like a fearful feeling of.
And the interesting thing is everyone starts at zero, and
that's okay. I actually don't even have a picture of
my first presentation because zero people showed up, So who
would I have asked to take the picture. I remember
being in a tiny, tiny, little college classroom and practicing
(21:33):
to an empty room. Now recently on Instagram, I was
sharing these How it started, how It's going, And I
love the feedback and all the comments that I got
for that, and just the amazing response because you got
to see me speak into groups of ten people, twelve people.
I had to dig out the archives and pull out
these pictures, and I want to tell you a story.
One of those pictures that I posted, I literally drove
(21:55):
for three hours to speak to a group of ten
people because one of my friends said that they'd be
interested in spirituality adding a paid There's no followers involved,
there's no money, there's no reward apart from the exchange
in the room. And guess what I drive those three
hours all over again. I'm sure you have something you
drive three hours for. I'm sure you'd have something you
(22:17):
drive six hours for. What is it that you already do?
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Now?
Speaker 1 (22:21):
When I was doing that, I never thought to myself,
oh I hope this gets bigger one day. Oh my gosh,
why did no more people show up? I was just
happy making an impact. And one of the reasons why
we don't feel like we're enough. If you're starting a sidehustle,
you started a podcast, you started a social media page,
you are starting a book club, whatever it is that
you're doing that you're passionate about one of the reasons.
(22:42):
Or you started working out and you want to lose
or gain weight and you've lost zero or gain zero weight.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Right One of the.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Reasons we struggle so much is we live in a
world today where numbers are astronomical and they're so in
front of us. But if you actually focus on helping
one person, adding one calorie, building one skill like that,
one is so powerful, and it leads to two, it
leads to three, it leads to four. So I want
(23:10):
you to ask yourself this question, what is the first
thing I can do and what is the smallest thing
I can do? If you have low self confidence or
low self esteem right now, I want you to ask yourself,
what's the first thing I can do and what's the
smallest thing I can do? Because the challenge is usually
what our mind saying is I don't just need to
do one thing. I need to do lots of things,
(23:32):
and small things wan't help me. I need to do
something big to make a change in my life.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Right. That's the issue.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
We've conditioned ourselves to believe that we can only make
change if we do a million things and if we
do something big. And so I want you to ask
yourself those questions. Scribble them down right now, because guess what,
you don't need a million followers to make an impact.
You don't need a podcast to make an impact. You
just need to be fueled by your passion, and you
(23:57):
need to be developing real skills that will help you.
And I remember at that time, I didn't think it
would be big. I didn't put pressure on myself for
it to be big. And one more important thing, I
didn't know the path before I started. I figured it
out as I went along. Ten years ago. I wasn't saying, oh,
I'm going to do this talk and then five people
(24:18):
were going to turn into one hundred and then one
day I'm going to launch a book in a pod like.
I didn't even think about all that stuff. All I
thought was how do I help these five to ten
people who care enough to listen to me? And I
figured it out as I went along. So some of
us are thinking, I need to figure out step seven
in order to start step one, and then we don't
start step one, and then we're thinking, I need to
(24:38):
know step seven, eight, nine, ten, Right, we get so
lost in taking the next step because we think we
have to figure out the complete step. And that's how
we continue to reduce our self confidence because we're thinking,
I need to think big, I need to know every
step before I start, and I need to know not
(25:03):
just the first step, whereas actually it's the complete opposite.
What's the first thing I can do? What's the smallest
thing I can do?
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Right?
Speaker 1 (25:11):
So I want to shift your mindset to that to
help you make that shift. So so far we've covered
how we view our pain makes all the difference. We've
talked about how everyone starts from zero. And I want
you to remember this. Your first time will never be
your best time, and it doesn't have to be your
last time. Right, Your first time will never be your
(25:32):
best time, and it doesn't have to be your last time.
And I think that applies to a lot of things
in life. But the first time I gave a presentation,
it was definitely not my best And if I made
that the last time I gave a presentation, it would
have stayed there. But it doesn't have to be my
last time. And so I want you to remember that
that first thing you do will probably be average, and
(25:54):
it's more likely that it will fail than succeed. And
as soon as you know that and accept that, you go, Okay,
that's okay, that's fine. I can still do this. And
I want you to remember your story matters, So don't
abandon it. Don't abandon your own story. Don't abandon your
own history because it got you here.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Mine it for.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Truths, for stories, for experiences, for people, and the greatness
that came out of it. And here's one thing I
want you to do that will help boost your self confidence.
I want you to help the person you were five
years ago. You may think you have nothing to offer people.
You may say, Jay, my self confidence is so low,
I have nothing to offer people. All the studies show
(26:36):
that when people in need help others in need, it
helps them. Our confidence and self esteem improve when we
help others. And you may say, Jay, well, I'm in
no position to help others. Who am I to help anyone?
Help the person you were five years ago. I promise
you there's someone who's there, who's three to five years
behind where you are you've moved on ahead a little bit,
(27:00):
any bit help that person become the person you needed
five years ago. Because you have those skills. You moved on,
you lived, you survived where you were five years ago.
You're here to serve the person you were five years ago.
You're here to help the person you were five years ago,
because I promise you one of the greatest gifts in
(27:20):
life is having someone who's just a few years ahead
of you. Everyone thinks they need to have a coach
or a mentor who's like one of the leaders in
the world, And what most of us need is to
talk to someone who's just three to five years ahead,
maybe three to five months ahead, because we need to
know what we need to do now. If someone's twenty
(27:41):
years ahead, ten years ahead can be quite hard. I
want you to write three things down you've been through
in three years that you think you could help people
on again. You don't have to be an expert, you
don't have to have the solution, but you could talk
someone through the challenge they're going through. What challenge is
you've been through? What pains have you been through? Not
(28:02):
that you could coach on or be a therapist on
or anything of that kind, but that you could be
a friend on I want you to remember helping others
is helping yourself. If you want to boost your self confidence,
remember these steps. How we view our pain makes all
the difference. Everyone starts from zero. Your first will never
(28:23):
be your best, and it doesn't need to be your last.
Your story matters, so don't abandon it and help the
person you were five years ago, and remember that. Look
at your life three sixty. Do you need to find
more belonging? Is it your skills that you need to
work on? Is it your career? Is it your values?
Or is it a sense of security and safety. The
(28:45):
more you break it down into these compartments, the easier
it is to actually focus and prioritize. Thank you so
much for listening to you on purpose. I appreciate you
so much. I hope that you'll keep coming back for
more incredible episode. I know some of you are listening
to us every day, which means the world to me,
and thank you so much for leaving you incredible reviews.
(29:07):
I do take a look at them, and there were
a couple of recently that I wanted to address around
some episodes we posted. We posted some episodes where I
was a guest. So if you thought I was talking
too much to a guest, it's actually because we posted
somewhere I was being interviewed, and so I just wanted
to clarify that because I would never over talk my guests.
I always like to sit and respect them, but I
wanted to share insights from people interviewing me as well.
(29:29):
So thank you so much. I appreciate you. I'm grateful
for you now Seeucy. I'm not much of a gambler.
I don't care for cards or slots, and you'll never
find me wagering on sports. But there is one thing
(29:52):
I do bet on myself. Today I hope to inspire
you to do the same. Seven minutes are about leaning
into self belief. I'm Jay Sheddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay.
Let's start by taking three deep breaths to center ourselves
(30:13):
in this moment, So breathing in and breathing out, expanding
and relaxing, sharpening our attention and bringing it to the present.
(30:37):
Let's dive in today. I'd like to tell you a
story about Venus Williams. Right before her first pro tournament,
she was offered three million dollars Venus was just fourteen
years old, a prodigy, but outside of hardcore tennis circles,
(30:59):
she was relatively unknown. She had not been competing on
the junior circuit, the standard route for promising young players.
Her dad didn't want her to burn out too soon,
and he also wanted her to focus on school. So
when Venus headed to Oakland, California for the nineteen ninety
four Bank of the West Classic, it was going to
(31:22):
be her first competitive match in three years. Still, Nike
saw something in her and extended a massive sneaker deal.
The company wanted in on Venus's bright future, and they
were willing to pay for it. There was just one catch.
(31:43):
The offer would expire the second she stepped.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
On the court.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Three million dollars for an untested fourteen year old it
was a no brainer, right Wrong turned down the deal,
choosing instead to play. She and her father appreciated the offer,
but they believed it was just their first and that
(32:10):
it wouldn't be the best. They believed that she would
boost her value on the core. Venus better on herself. Now,
if this seems foolish, it wasn't bold maybe, but not reckless.
Venus and her father weren't being arrogant or unrealistic. They
(32:34):
weren't operating on blind faith. Venus had been practicing diligently
with one of the best coaches in the country. She
was a remarkable natural athlete, and she had put in
serious work to refine her game, and so Venus knew
what she was capable of. In that first tournament, Venus
(32:56):
ended up facing the number two player in the world
world and she held her own. Seven months later, Rebark
came knocking with a five year, twelve million dollar deal,
an unprecedented amount for someone her age. Now, that deal
she took. Venus gambled, but she wasn't lucky. She was good,
(33:24):
and yet most of us faced with the same situation
would have probably taken the money. It can be a
human instinct to cash in on a certainty, even if
there might be something greater around the next turn. But
sometimes a calculated leap of faith can pay off. Again,
(33:46):
it's not about blind faith. Betting on yourself doesn't mean
going all in with a bad hand. I'm not saying
you should quit your job without a plan for the future,
or enter a marathon with no training at all. What
I am saying is to believe in yourself when you
(34:08):
know you're ready for more. It's about trusting your process
and your preparation and sometimes your gout. I get it.
It's easy to be afraid of failure or embarrassment, to
worry about what we may lose, so we play it
(34:29):
safe when we really should go big. But next time,
when you're faced with your three million dollar Nike deal,
don't just automatically jump at it. Ask yourself, are you
worth more? And that's what we're going to work on
(34:50):
for the rest of this session. We're going to do
a short meditation and then we'll reflect on how you
can bet on yourself. So get comfortable wherever you are,
seeing if you can release a little tension. And I'd
(35:11):
like to try one of my favorite exercises here adding
next stretches to the rhythm of your breath, So inhaling
and lowering your left ear to your left shoulder and
exhaling back to the middle, this time to the right,
(35:32):
breathing in and down and exhaling back to center. As
you find your own rhythm, see if you can bring
your full attention to the feeling of the stretch. The
idea is not to do the biggest stretch ever. It's
(35:55):
just to become aware of your movement. Maybe you feel
a sense of release, maybe there's some tightness. Whatever you
feel is okay. Keep tuning in now, feel free to
(36:22):
settle into stillness. And let's open this up. Think of
a time when you settled for less than you thought
you were really worth, When you wanted to go for
something but you didn't. What was holding you back? Fear, complacency,
(36:52):
self doubt. Next time, can you can instead of betting
on yourself. If today's session made an impact on you,
go ahead and share it with someone else so that
(37:12):
they can bet on themselves too. Thank you for joining today.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be
adding a really special offering onto the back of my
solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily
series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while
outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress
free life. We dive into a range of topics and
the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long,
(00:22):
so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter
how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the
on Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for
you this year, so I'll be playing a handpicked Daily
Jay during each of my Friday podcasts. This week, I'm
sharing an inspiring story that motivates me and hopefully can
motivate you too. Of course, if you want to listen
(00:45):
to The Daily Jay every day, you can go subscribe
to Calm. So go to calm dot com forward slash
j for forty percent off your membership today. Hey everyone,
welcome back. It is so good to be here with you.
Thank you so much for choosing on Purpose, for being
(01:06):
in your ears right now, whether you're walking your dog,
whether you're cooking, whether you're hanging out with a friend,
listening together, whatever you're up to, or you're driving to
and from work. I just want you to know thank you.
I appreciate you. I'm glad you're here. And it's been
an incredible year so far. We've had some phenomenal guests
on the show, everyone from Rick Ruben to Tom Holland
(01:31):
to who else have we had? I mean, doctor Joe Dispenser,
Kim Kardashian, Ryan Holiday, Cynthia Arrivo. That episode was really,
really special. It has been a phenomenal, phenomenal journey to
share with all of you, and I hope you're enjoying
the content. Every week, we've got so many more experts,
cultural change makers, and celebrities to come on the show.
(01:53):
As always, I feel like we drive the conversation in
the direction of improving ourselves, becoming happier, healthier, and more healed.
Today's topic is one that I've been thinking about a lot,
but I don't think I've ever really spoken about fully,
and it's about this idea of low self worth, low
(02:13):
self esteem, and feeling like you're not enough. Now, if
you came to my live show, you heard me tell
this moment at the beginning of the show. So if
you go on to Google and you type in the
words will I ever The first thing that comes up
for most of us is will I ever find love? Okay,
(02:37):
stop doing it right now, I need your attention back.
The second thing that comes up is will I ever
be enough? And the third thing that comes up is
will I am net worth? That literally comes up if
you keep saying, and it's really interesting. I want to
go back to that second one, Will I ever be enough?
(02:57):
It is such a big question. You might be sitting
there right now or walking there right now thinking I'm
not smart enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not fast enough,
I'm not hard working enough. Fill in the blank. What
is that for you that you feel I am not
ex enough? Because we all have something, or maybe you
(03:19):
have a couple of things, and we also think I'm
not smart enough for It happens in our relationships too,
I'm not good enough for that person, I'm not good
enough for that relationship, and then it transfers into our careers.
I'm not good enough for that job, I'm not good
enough for that opportunity. I can't put in an application.
(03:41):
I don't have enough skills. This repetitive thought plagues our mind.
It's like an infection, and it's contagious too. We get
it off other people and we pass it on. And
maybe it's because someone told you at school that you
weren't good enough or smart enough. Maybe you had a
parent who always made you feel like you weren't enough.
(04:03):
Wherever it came from, it's our opportunity to address it
and understand it, because it's not serving us anymore. I'm
guessing you're here because you feel stuck. I'm guessing you're
here because you feel like you've lost a bit of momentum.
I'm guessing you're here because you doubt yourself, and you
know that that doubt blocks you from taking the steps
(04:24):
you want to take, or receiving love from someone else.
Maybe there's someone in your life who's been trying to
treat you right, but you don't know what that feels like,
so you'd rather they treat you wrong. Think about that
for a second. You've got someone in your life who
wants to treat you right, but you don't know what
that feels like, so you'd rather they treat you wrong,
(04:46):
even if it feels awful. It's interesting what we begin
to achieve and receive. Both what we try to achieve
and what we allow ourselves to receive, become reduced because
of low self worth, because of not feeling enough. You
(05:07):
end up achieving less and receiving less. It's not just
about you don't make as much success in your career
and you don't go out there and win.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
You actually let less in to yourself.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
The idea that we actually block so much goodness in
our life, so much goodness and greatness, because we don't
feel like we're enough.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
And you might be thinking.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Well, Jay, easy for you to say you feel like
you have it all figured out, and I want to
share with you. I want to take you back ten
years ten years ago. I'd just left the monastery around
ten and a half years ago, and I was moved
back in with my parents, living in their loft, the
(05:54):
place I grew up as a teenager. I was twenty
five years old and I was twenty five thousand dollars
in debt, and I was struggling to figure out my
next steps back to the bedroom I grew up in
as a teenager and what I try and do after
I managed to finally get up and get out because
for the first month I was just so depressed and stuck,
(06:16):
and all I was doing was listening to Drake, watching
How I Met Your Mother, and eating chocolate, three things
I definitely didn't do as a monk. After I got
out of that slump, I used to go to the
library and sit there for hours sending job applications, hoping
i'd be able to move out of my parents home,
and I was rejected by forty companies. I felt like
(06:40):
I wasn't enough. Surprise, surprise, no one wanted a former
monk right. They were like, what are your transferrable skills?
Sitting still and being silent? We don't need that. And
I felt like I wasn't enough when I sat in
a job interview and someone said to me, Hey, so
tell me what you've been up to. Tell me about
your recent work experience, and I was like, oh, my gosh,
(07:00):
I don't have any. And I'd feeled inadequate because that
wasn't good enough for them. And then when I talked
to my friends, all of my friends were now dating,
They were in good relationships, some of them were moving
into new apartments, some of them were getting promoted, some
of them looked like they were winning it life, at
least externally, and again I felt like I wasn't enough,
(07:23):
and I felt like I was behind.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
I felt like I was left behind.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
And the worst thing was I felt like it was
all my fault because people had said to me that
if I became a monk when I eventually failed, which
they predicted that I'd have committed career suicide, I would
have let my parents down, I would be behind everyone.
And now it felt like they were right. So I
(07:49):
really felt like I wasn't enough. Moved back into my parents' left,
rejected from forty companies, don't know where I'm going. And
then sometimes after I started dating Radi, who was my
girlfriend at the time is my wife today, and I
remember meeting her family for the first time. They invited
(08:10):
me over and they're wonderful people. I have such a
great relationship with them. But it's really interesting how when
you meet someone's parents for the first time, and actually
you'll find this in all areas of your life. When
you don't feel secure, when you don't feel like you're enough,
you project that insecurity onto other people. So when we
(08:30):
were at dinner, I was just hoping that i'd be
able to dodge the one dreaded question. I hope they
didn't ask, and I was doing okay. I was like, okay,
I made it through dinner. I'm fine, this is going
to be all right. And then I remember sitting down
with Rady's dad, and he's the sweetest man and he
didn't mean this in an intimidating way at all, but
(08:51):
that's how I took it because of my own insecurity.
And he said to me, so, what are you going
to do for work? And that question was like a
dagger to the whole I can't express to you just
how unconfident and insecure I felt in that moment, and
I didn't really have an answer. I felt like I
(09:11):
wasn't enough, and I felt like I was lost. I
was stuck. I was late, I was slow. I felt
like I'd missed my opportunity. And what makes it worse
is our comparison mindset. When you say things like I'm behind,
it means you think someone else is ahead. When you
say things like I'm late, it means you think people
(09:34):
are early. If you say things like I think I
missed my opportunities, it's because you think other people took them.
And so What we're really scared of is how we
look in comparison to other people. What we're really struggling
with is how we feel we're perceived based on other
people's supposed success, and all of that makes us feel
(09:58):
like we're less, less and less. Now, I want to
give you an insight into what I learned that evening.
I remember when I got home, I was sitting and
reflecting about why I felt like I wasn't enough. I'd
always chosen to follow my heart based on what I
studied at college to becoming a monk. I'd lived a
(10:22):
fulfilling life before. So why was it now that I
was putting all this pressure on myself? And I realized
it came down to one thing. I didn't feel like
I wasn't enough based on the choices I'd made. It's
about how i'd felt about the choices I'd made. Let
me explain what I mean by that, And before I
do that, I want to ask you how many of
(10:43):
you have one of those emotions right now that I
was feeling. How many of you feel like you're not enough,
that you're behind, that you're stuck, that you're lost, that
you're confused, that everyone's got to figure out. But you well,
if you are feeling that way, I want you to
know you're in.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
The right place.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
The reflection that I came up with, or realization that
came to my mind that night, was that I was
seeing everything I'd done in life until that point as useless.
Everything that i'd done up until the age of twenty five,
I was seeing as a waste of time and meaningless.
And now there was a tiny belief in me that
(11:20):
I had to find something meaningful. I had to find
something powerful. I had to find something positive. Basically, everything
up until when I was negative, I now had to
discover what was positive. And that was so wrong. That
mindset was so inaccurate. How many of you have ever
looked to your past and thought that was all a
waste of time. Now I'm going to find something meaningful.
(11:42):
That is such a destruction of your history. It is
such denial of the strength that you've accomplished, the pain
you've been through.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
It all has meaning.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
Anything that helps you help someone else can't be worth less.
It has value and meaning. The problem was how I
saw my life, and the challenge is how you see yours.
Know that your experiences are what make you special. You
don't need a better story or journey. All of what
you've been through is what made you who you are today.
(12:19):
Your pain is enough, your story is enough, Your challenges
are enough, your mistakes are enough, your choices are enough.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
All of that is enough.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
It's not that you need a different past to create
a different future.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
Your past as it is, if.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Accepted and embraced and seen as useful as collecting experiences,
collecting skills, collecting people, everything that you've experienced. If you
collect all of that and see it as worthy, what
you can create is phenomenal.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
You are enough. Your experiences are enough.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
And there's an incredible quote from Wayne Dayer where he said,
when we change the way we look at things, the
things we look at change. And that's what I realized
that I had to change the way I looked at
my past. I couldn't see my three years as a
monk as a waste of time. They weren't. They definitely weren't.
But it's crazy how a mindset can convince you that
(13:19):
they were. You might think, wow, I don't use my
college degree. What a waste of time. I promise you
there's a connection. There's a relationship there's a person, there's
an assignment that you did at college that has actually
made a difference in your life today. Now I'm not
backing up college. I'm backing up the idea that every
experience has had some positive impact in your life.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
I often think about it that why did I go
to college?
Speaker 1 (13:45):
And then I remember some of the case studies I
studied that inform my work. Now I remember some of
the relationships that taught me so much about friendship and connection.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
I remember some of.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
My good choices and my bad choices, and I wouldn't
have learned them any other way. It's so important to
take stock of your life and actually accept that there
is meaning and value there. Now, when you look at
the studies, they talk about four types of self worth
or four types of self esteem, and I've taken some
(14:19):
of these from research and thought about them myselves, and
I wanted to give you a bit of insight. So
one of the first ones is security and safety. A
lot of us didn't grow up feeling safe or secure
with our families, our parents, and so we are constantly
feeling unsafe or insecure around other people. But feeling a
(14:41):
sense of security and safety is such an important part
of our self worth, and the challenge is that if
someone doesn't create that environment for us growing up, we
have to focus on creating that environment for ourselves later
on in life. And often instead of creating it, we're
hoping to fall into someone else's. So often what ends
(15:02):
up happening is that instead of building it, we depend
on someone else being that safety net because we didn't
have it earlier. This feeling of not being enough is
what can make us codependent in relationships. It's also what
can make us push partners away or allow toxic partners
(15:23):
into our lives. Because if you don't feel a sense
of security and safety, you accept any type of behavior
towards you as safety and security because it gets you
one step ahead of loneliness and one step ahead of
being alone. And so that's where that particular one affects
you in life, is that if you don't feel that
security and safety, chances are your romantic relationships and the
(15:46):
relationships that are close around you are going to struggle
and suffer. So we want to focus on that one
specifically for that reason. The second type of self worth
that studies talk about is identity, and this I talk
about through the lens of values. When you know your values,
it's easier for you to make decisions about who you
(16:07):
want around you and who you don't. It's easier for
you to make decisions about what's aligned with your identity
and what isn't. What places you go to, what projects
you take on, what people you hang out with, all
of that can be inferred by your values. This part
becomes like a compass to you. And so I'm giving
(16:29):
you all of these because I want you to diagnose
or check with yourself which is the one you're struggling with. Now.
You may be struggling with a few of these, but
I want you to figure out which is the first
one you want to dive into for yourself, because you
can't do them all at the same time. And so,
how many of you a struggling with your values? If
I asked you what are your top three values?
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Would you know? If I asked you what are your
top three values in a friend? Would you know?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
If I asked you what are your top three values
in the person you want to become?
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Do you know?
Speaker 1 (16:56):
And if you're unaware, I'm not asking that in a
challenging way or in a stressful way it's just to
make you aware that that's where you want to start
putting your energy and emphasis. Now, the next one studies
talk about is the self confidence we experience through competence,
a skill, an ability that we have. And this one,
of course, massively affects our careers. Most of us end
(17:17):
up in jobs that were not that great at because
we were never told to focus on our skills. We
were told to focus on the skills that jobs needed,
and so there's a mismatch there, and so some of
us actually feel low self esteem. What we feel like
we're not enough because of our work, because we feel
we don't have skills at work. Notice how it's such
a subtle and specific thing. Whereas you might have skills
(17:39):
in something else, but you don't value yourself for that
because that's not what's being measured at work. So your
self worth currently, your self confidence could be based on
safety and security, could be based on your lack of
identity and values.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
It could be.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Based on an unawareness of your true competence and skills,
or being in a job or career that doesn't rely
on the one you love. And if we're neglectful of that,
that can create more challenges in our career because if
you keep doing something you're not good at or can't
get better at. And that's a second important point, that
you can get better at things you're not good at.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
But if you.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Don't do that act, your self esteem and your self
worth could always be low. And that's what I want
you to see with these four areas that in order
for us to have three sixty self esteem and self
confidence or total self worth, it requires us to focus
on these four areas. And without focusing on these four areas,
(18:36):
it can be very, very challenging to build it. So
some of you may be like, but I'm doing the
affirmations in the mirror, but I'm, you know, working hard
on my daily habits. I'm meditating every day, I'm working
out every day. Why am I not solving my self worth?
It's because of these It's because of this, and I
want you to come back to this. The fourth one
that research shows is belonging or a sense of community.
(18:57):
Do I feel like there is a play that I
feel understood? Right? There's a difference between being understood and
just being comfortable. You might be comfortable about a bunch
of people, but that's different from a sense of belonging.
The uniqueness in feeling like a sense of belonging is
that when you talk, you feel almost like you don't
(19:19):
have to add disclaimers and you don't have to over
explain yourself. Now, I'm not saying someone can read your mind.
That's unhealthy and not realistic. What I mean is that
you don't feel like you have to do the same
kind of over explaining that you might have to do
with someone else, or the kind of deep dive into
an area because you have a shorthand with these people.
(19:40):
Do you feel a sense of belonging? Do you feel
a part of something bigger? A lot of us need
to feel like a part of something bigger in our lives.
It's why we follow football clubs, It's why we take
on religion or spiritual areas in our life. It's why
we want to be part of a book club or
whatever it may be. We all want to be a
part of something because it gives us a sense of
(20:01):
self confidence. And so I want you to reflect on
your life and go which one of these do you
need to work on? And maybe it's all of them
and that's okay. And if I could suggest an order
I'd say that your identity and your values is a
great place to start, because that will help you choose
the right community. It will help you build safety and security,
and it will help you build competence and skills. But
(20:24):
all of these can happen in any order, and it
doesn't really matter. It just matters that you're aware of
these areas. Now, I was talking to a friend and
I want to talk about symptoms of how we feel
like we're not enough, and he told me he was
scared to start. And I asked him something that I've
been asked before. I said, are you scared of not starting?
(20:46):
Or are you scared of starting at zero? Right? I said,
You're not scared of starting, You're scared of starting at zero.
That hits right, that we can relate to that we
don't want to start at z zero followers, zero subscribers,
zero downloads, zero emails, zero phone numbers, zero contacts, whatever.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
It may be.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Even the number zero, we have like a fearful feeling of.
And the interesting thing is everyone starts at zero, and
that's okay. I actually don't even have a picture of
my first presentation because zero people showed up, So who
would I have asked to take the picture. I remember
being in a tiny, tiny, little college classroom and practicing
(21:33):
to an empty room. Now recently on Instagram, I was
sharing these How it started, how It's going, And I
love the feedback and all the comments that I got
for that, and just the amazing response because you got
to see me speak into groups of ten people, twelve people.
I had to dig out the archives and pull out
these pictures, and I want to tell you a story.
One of those pictures that I posted, I literally drove
(21:55):
for three hours to speak to a group of ten
people because one of my friends said that they'd be
interested in spirituality adding a paid There's no followers involved,
there's no money, there's no reward apart from the exchange
in the room. And guess what I drive those three
hours all over again. I'm sure you have something you
drive three hours for. I'm sure you'd have something you
(22:17):
drive six hours for. What is it that you already do?
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Now?
Speaker 1 (22:21):
When I was doing that, I never thought to myself,
oh I hope this gets bigger one day. Oh my gosh,
why did no more people show up? I was just
happy making an impact. And one of the reasons why
we don't feel like we're enough. If you're starting a sidehustle,
you started a podcast, you started a social media page,
you are starting a book club, whatever it is that
you're doing that you're passionate about one of the reasons.
(22:42):
Or you started working out and you want to lose
or gain weight and you've lost zero or gain zero weight.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Right One of the.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Reasons we struggle so much is we live in a
world today where numbers are astronomical and they're so in
front of us. But if you actually focus on helping
one person, adding one calorie, building one skill like that,
one is so powerful, and it leads to two, it
leads to three, it leads to four. So I want
(23:10):
you to ask yourself this question, what is the first
thing I can do and what is the smallest thing
I can do? If you have low self confidence or
low self esteem right now, I want you to ask yourself,
what's the first thing I can do and what's the
smallest thing I can do? Because the challenge is usually
what our mind saying is I don't just need to
do one thing. I need to do lots of things,
(23:32):
and small things wan't help me. I need to do
something big to make a change in my life.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Right. That's the issue.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
We've conditioned ourselves to believe that we can only make
change if we do a million things and if we
do something big. And so I want you to ask
yourself those questions. Scribble them down right now, because guess what,
you don't need a million followers to make an impact.
You don't need a podcast to make an impact. You
just need to be fueled by your passion, and you
(23:57):
need to be developing real skills that will help you.
And I remember at that time, I didn't think it
would be big. I didn't put pressure on myself for
it to be big. And one more important thing, I
didn't know the path before I started. I figured it
out as I went along. Ten years ago. I wasn't saying, oh,
I'm going to do this talk and then five people
(24:18):
were going to turn into one hundred and then one
day I'm going to launch a book in a pod like.
I didn't even think about all that stuff. All I
thought was how do I help these five to ten
people who care enough to listen to me? And I
figured it out as I went along. So some of
us are thinking, I need to figure out step seven
in order to start step one, and then we don't
start step one, and then we're thinking, I need to
(24:38):
know step seven, eight, nine, ten, Right, we get so
lost in taking the next step because we think we
have to figure out the complete step. And that's how
we continue to reduce our self confidence because we're thinking,
I need to think big, I need to know every
step before I start, and I need to know not
(25:03):
just the first step, whereas actually it's the complete opposite.
What's the first thing I can do? What's the smallest
thing I can do?
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Right?
Speaker 1 (25:11):
So I want to shift your mindset to that to
help you make that shift. So so far we've covered
how we view our pain makes all the difference. We've
talked about how everyone starts from zero. And I want
you to remember this. Your first time will never be
your best time, and it doesn't have to be your
last time. Right, Your first time will never be your
(25:32):
best time, and it doesn't have to be your last time.
And I think that applies to a lot of things
in life. But the first time I gave a presentation,
it was definitely not my best And if I made
that the last time I gave a presentation, it would
have stayed there. But it doesn't have to be my
last time. And so I want you to remember that
that first thing you do will probably be average, and
(25:54):
it's more likely that it will fail than succeed. And
as soon as you know that and accept that, you go, Okay,
that's okay, that's fine. I can still do this. And
I want you to remember your story matters, So don't
abandon it. Don't abandon your own story. Don't abandon your
own history because it got you here.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
Mine it for.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Truths, for stories, for experiences, for people, and the greatness
that came out of it. And here's one thing I
want you to do that will help boost your self confidence.
I want you to help the person you were five
years ago. You may think you have nothing to offer people.
You may say, Jay, my self confidence is so low,
I have nothing to offer people. All the studies show
(26:36):
that when people in need help others in need, it
helps them. Our confidence and self esteem improve when we
help others. And you may say, Jay, well, I'm in
no position to help others. Who am I to help anyone?
Help the person you were five years ago. I promise
you there's someone who's there, who's three to five years
behind where you are you've moved on ahead a little bit,
(27:00):
any bit help that person become the person you needed
five years ago. Because you have those skills. You moved on,
you lived, you survived where you were five years ago.
You're here to serve the person you were five years ago.
You're here to help the person you were five years ago,
because I promise you one of the greatest gifts in
(27:20):
life is having someone who's just a few years ahead
of you. Everyone thinks they need to have a coach
or a mentor who's like one of the leaders in
the world, And what most of us need is to
talk to someone who's just three to five years ahead,
maybe three to five months ahead, because we need to
know what we need to do now. If someone's twenty
(27:41):
years ahead, ten years ahead can be quite hard. I
want you to write three things down you've been through
in three years that you think you could help people
on again. You don't have to be an expert, you
don't have to have the solution, but you could talk
someone through the challenge they're going through. What challenge is
you've been through? What pains have you been through? Not
(28:02):
that you could coach on or be a therapist on
or anything of that kind, but that you could be
a friend on I want you to remember helping others
is helping yourself. If you want to boost your self confidence,
remember these steps. How we view our pain makes all
the difference. Everyone starts from zero. Your first will never
(28:23):
be your best, and it doesn't need to be your last.
Your story matters, so don't abandon it and help the
person you were five years ago, and remember that. Look
at your life three sixty. Do you need to find
more belonging? Is it your skills that you need to
work on? Is it your career? Is it your values?
Or is it a sense of security and safety. The
(28:45):
more you break it down into these compartments, the easier
it is to actually focus and prioritize. Thank you so
much for listening to you on purpose. I appreciate you
so much. I hope that you'll keep coming back for
more incredible episode. I know some of you are listening
to us every day, which means the world to me,
and thank you so much for leaving you incredible reviews.
(29:07):
I do take a look at them, and there were
a couple of recently that I wanted to address around
some episodes we posted. We posted some episodes where I
was a guest. So if you thought I was talking
too much to a guest, it's actually because we posted
somewhere I was being interviewed, and so I just wanted
to clarify that because I would never over talk my guests.
I always like to sit and respect them, but I
wanted to share insights from people interviewing me as well.
(29:29):
So thank you so much. I appreciate you. I'm grateful
for you now Seeucy. I'm not much of a gambler.
I don't care for cards or slots, and you'll never
find me wagering on sports. But there is one thing
(29:52):
I do bet on myself. Today I hope to inspire
you to do the same. Seven minutes are about leaning
into self belief. I'm Jay Sheddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay.
Let's start by taking three deep breaths to center ourselves
(30:13):
in this moment, So breathing in and breathing out, expanding
and relaxing, sharpening our attention and bringing it to the present.
(30:37):
Let's dive in today. I'd like to tell you a
story about Venus Williams. Right before her first pro tournament,
she was offered three million dollars Venus was just fourteen
years old, a prodigy, but outside of hardcore tennis circles,
(30:59):
she was relatively unknown. She had not been competing on
the junior circuit, the standard route for promising young players.
Her dad didn't want her to burn out too soon,
and he also wanted her to focus on school. So
when Venus headed to Oakland, California for the nineteen ninety
four Bank of the West Classic, it was going to
(31:22):
be her first competitive match in three years. Still, Nike
saw something in her and extended a massive sneaker deal.
The company wanted in on Venus's bright future, and they
were willing to pay for it. There was just one catch.
(31:43):
The offer would expire the second she stepped.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
On the court.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Three million dollars for an untested fourteen year old it
was a no brainer, right Wrong turned down the deal,
choosing instead to play. She and her father appreciated the offer,
but they believed it was just their first and that
(32:10):
it wouldn't be the best. They believed that she would
boost her value on the core. Venus better on herself. Now,
if this seems foolish, it wasn't bold maybe, but not reckless.
Venus and her father weren't being arrogant or unrealistic. They
(32:34):
weren't operating on blind faith. Venus had been practicing diligently
with one of the best coaches in the country. She
was a remarkable natural athlete, and she had put in
serious work to refine her game, and so Venus knew
what she was capable of. In that first tournament, Venus
(32:56):
ended up facing the number two player in the world
world and she held her own. Seven months later, Rebark
came knocking with a five year, twelve million dollar deal,
an unprecedented amount for someone her age. Now, that deal
she took. Venus gambled, but she wasn't lucky. She was good,
(33:24):
and yet most of us faced with the same situation
would have probably taken the money. It can be a
human instinct to cash in on a certainty, even if
there might be something greater around the next turn. But
sometimes a calculated leap of faith can pay off. Again,
(33:46):
it's not about blind faith. Betting on yourself doesn't mean
going all in with a bad hand. I'm not saying
you should quit your job without a plan for the future,
or enter a marathon with no training at all. What
I am saying is to believe in yourself when you
(34:08):
know you're ready for more. It's about trusting your process
and your preparation and sometimes your gout. I get it.
It's easy to be afraid of failure or embarrassment, to
worry about what we may lose, so we play it
(34:29):
safe when we really should go big. But next time,
when you're faced with your three million dollar Nike deal,
don't just automatically jump at it. Ask yourself, are you
worth more? And that's what we're going to work on
(34:50):
for the rest of this session. We're going to do
a short meditation and then we'll reflect on how you
can bet on yourself. So get comfortable wherever you are,
seeing if you can release a little tension. And I'd
(35:11):
like to try one of my favorite exercises here adding
next stretches to the rhythm of your breath, So inhaling
and lowering your left ear to your left shoulder and
exhaling back to the middle, this time to the right,
(35:32):
breathing in and down and exhaling back to center. As
you find your own rhythm, see if you can bring
your full attention to the feeling of the stretch. The
idea is not to do the biggest stretch ever. It's
(35:55):
just to become aware of your movement. Maybe you feel
a sense of release, maybe there's some tightness. Whatever you
feel is okay. Keep tuning in now, feel free to
(36:22):
settle into stillness. And let's open this up. Think of
a time when you settled for less than you thought
you were really worth, When you wanted to go for
something but you didn't. What was holding you back? Fear, complacency,
(36:52):
self doubt. Next time, can you can instead of betting
on yourself. If today's session made an impact on you,
go ahead and share it with someone else so that
(37:12):
they can bet on themselves too. Thank you for joining today.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Host
Jay Shetty
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