5 Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble with Dr. Dorothy Jeffries

It's Relationship Day on The Bev Johnson Show Show on WDIA and topic of conversation with Behavioral/Relationship Consultant Dr. Dorothy Jeffries is " Five Signs that Your Relationsjip is on Life Support".

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Memphis probably presents the Bev Johnson Show.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
Let me say Beth.

Speaker 3 (00:14):
First, Let men you say, she's gone Emphis of game alone.

Speaker 4 (00:28):
No matter of the problem, she can have.

Speaker 5 (00:32):
So a phono.

Speaker 3 (00:36):
Normans your mind.

Speaker 2 (00:38):
She to be ding in the hair by telling you
to just keep the fing.

Speaker 6 (00:48):
Went around picking up the john Show.

Speaker 2 (00:52):
You got talking gay heavy. You can hear every day
you d I hate.

Speaker 7 (01:02):
My bell, got me a missed hopping?

Speaker 5 (01:48):
Good morning, good morning, good morning, and welcome in to
w d I A The Bev Johnson Show. It is
indeed a pleasure to have you with us once again
on yes Friday, Friday, July eleventh, twenty twenty five. Enjoy
this fabulous day today, Well, it's relationship Day where we

(02:12):
talk about relationships to help make yours healthy, happy, wholesome, wonderful,
and most of all loving between consenting adults. We'll do
that with our expert, our behavioral relationship consultant, doctor Dorothy Jeffries,
will be in to talk with us.

Speaker 2 (02:33):
So put your ears on. When it's your turn to talk,
you know you can.

Speaker 5 (02:36):
All you need to do is dial these numbers nine
zero one five three five nine three four two nine
zero one five three five nine three four two eight
hundred five zero three nine three four two eight hundred

(02:59):
five zero three nine three four two eight three three
five three five nine three four two will.

Speaker 2 (03:09):
Get you in to me.

Speaker 5 (03:13):
And if this day, this day, Friday July eleventh, twenty
twenty five, is your birthday. Happy birthday, each and every
one of y'all out there who may be celebrating a
birthday on this day, July eleventh, twenty twenty five, Saturday

(03:37):
July twelfth, and Sunday July thirteenth as well, Happy birthday, y'all.

Speaker 2 (03:44):
Go out and celebrate your life. You better your penny.

Speaker 5 (03:51):
When we come back, we'll talk relationships with doctor Dorothy Jeffries,
our behavior relationship Consultant with me Bev Johnson on The
Bev Johnson Show only on w d I. Anne, Yeah,

(04:58):
you are always on my mind. Good morning and welcome
into WDIA.

Speaker 2 (05:06):
The BEB Johnson Show. I'm Bev.

Speaker 5 (05:08):
It is a Friday, June eleventh, twenty twenty five. Enjoyed
this fabulous day to day for our first time listeners.
Welcome you just may be a first time caller, We
welcome you in. It is relationship Day where we talk
about relationships to help make yours healthy, happy, wholesome, wonderful,

(05:32):
and most of all loving between consenting.

Speaker 2 (05:35):
That's important, consenting adults.

Speaker 5 (05:38):
We are doing that with our behavioral relationship consultant, doctor
Dorothy Jeffries.

Speaker 2 (05:45):
A topic of conversation this day.

Speaker 5 (05:48):
So listen what we're talking about before you start calling
five signs that your relationship is on life support.

Speaker 2 (06:01):
Think about that. Five signs that your relationship may be
on life support. We will do that. We'll talk about that.

Speaker 5 (06:12):
With our behavioral relationship consultant back in the house. After
we had a fourth or July break, Good morning, doctor
Dorothy Jeffries.

Speaker 8 (06:25):
How are you. I am doing well with no complaints? Good?

Speaker 9 (06:31):
Good?

Speaker 2 (06:32):
Good? Did you have a good fourth?

Speaker 8 (06:34):
Had a wonderful fourth with family and it was really great,
you know, so we had a good time for actually
over a week. Oh god, yeah, good.

Speaker 2 (06:48):
Good, doctor Jeffries. That I say that title right.

Speaker 5 (06:53):
Our topic of conversation five signs that your relationship may
be on life.

Speaker 10 (06:59):
Support exactly exactly, so when we're.

Speaker 2 (07:03):
Talking, oh, life support, So we know what life support is.

Speaker 5 (07:08):
So when we talk about relationships, our relationships can be
on life support.

Speaker 8 (07:13):
Well, you know the reason why is phrased like that
is that because people who are involved in relationships that
they're not attended to, or that they don't value as
much as they should, or they have lost the desire
to be in their relationship, they tolerate a lot of problems.

(07:39):
So you know, problems that pop up, you know, lack
of intimacy, communication problems, frequent arguments, those kinds of things.
They roll that in as part of the climate of
their relationship, you know, so they don't pay much attention
to it. By the time that one or the other

(07:59):
takes the real hard look or do some soul searching
about how they think and feel about the relationship and
their partner, it may be too late, or its own
life support, and you know, in your own life support
it's touching gold and usually goes m mm hmmmm hm.
So that's why I want to make a point. We

(08:20):
tend to tolerate or ignore problems until they've become almost
overwhelming or too big to deal with. And and by
the time that we get to that point, a lot
of the energy and respect and love is gone, and
so you have very little, if anything to work.

Speaker 5 (08:42):
So we're going to talk about those signs that maybe
in other words, and put it also at Layman's turn.
For some of those listeners, you know your relationship is
in trouble, and so you have to ask the question,
doctor Jeffries, why is my relationship in trouble?

Speaker 2 (09:06):
What's going on?

Speaker 5 (09:07):
And we don't want well, we always hear that somebody's
gonna put it on the other partner, the other person
usually and they don't, doctor Jeffries, look at themselves exactly.

Speaker 8 (09:23):
It takes two people to be in a relationship, and
one person may respond to the dynamics of the relationship
in one way and the other in a totally different way.
But both people are in sync with how they're either
making their relationship work or how they're undermining their relationship
and possibly tearing.

Speaker 10 (09:44):
Near the part.

Speaker 8 (09:45):
So that's a very good point to make, and what
I encourage listeners if this topic has any meaning to them,
One of the things that I suggest that you do
is focus on your role, your perception, your feelings, wants
and needs in the relationships, as opposed to looking at

(10:08):
what's wrong with your partner, what they did do or
didn't do, or should do or can't do, and what
have You start from yourself first on that and that's
the place that you can get some.

Speaker 10 (10:19):
Immediate response and change.

Speaker 8 (10:23):
So we're going to talk about the whole thing, but
look at it from your perspective, rather than pointing the fingers, right,
what's wrong with the other person?

Speaker 5 (10:30):
Because I wanted to get that in because a lot
of times and we've heard, well, he do this and
or she do this, or she didn't do this, or
he didn't do that.

Speaker 2 (10:39):
Okay, well what about what about what about self? Looking
at self? What did you not do or what did
you do?

Speaker 10 (10:50):
And that's exactly right.

Speaker 8 (10:52):
And another question to ask self is how do you
in your relationship, your primary relationship, if there are problems
in it, how do you address the problem. One thing
that couples, particularly mature couples who've been together for a
long time maybe have invested, you know, time, money, and

(11:15):
have children and what have you. What they will do
is that they go on remote They may give the
appearance that, you know, everything's working in the things. They
show up together, they pay their bills together, they live
you know together in a nice home and what have
they're raising their children, but they have quietly removed themselves

(11:37):
from any level of compassion, respect, or intimacy in the relationship,
and typically what will happen is the energy that is
needed to keep that relationship vibrant. May be going to
outside things. It could be addictive behaviors, it could be

(11:57):
other people, it could be overworking, it could be spending money.
But I want you to think about how do you
address the problems in your relationship. And what we've found
with couples coming in and some have been married thirty
forty years, is that some people have a very high
tolerance for living in cold relationships, for living in volatile,

(12:22):
fiery relationships, for just living with somebody as if your roommate.
They have a high tolerance for doing that because they have.

Speaker 10 (12:31):
No expectations for the relationship to.

Speaker 8 (12:36):
Get better or even desire for it to get better.
It's like they're doing time. And so you need to
acknowledge if you're just doing time and figure out why
why are you imprisoning yourself and just doing time. So
there are some questions that I hope pop up to
the individuals who are listening and find that they have,

(12:58):
you know, some need of under and more about this topic.

Speaker 5 (13:02):
Yeah, good, good, Okay, Because I wanted to kind of
put it out there so people will know what we're
talking about, and and and as we go on, you're
gonna give those five signs that your relationship is on
life support. And let me tell the listeners you know,
we want you to call, We want you to ask questions.

(13:22):
Let me give those numbers nine zero, one, five, three, five,
nine three four two eight hundred five zero three nine
three four two eight three three five three five nine
three four two. If you can't call in, we want
you to email us your questions. You can email me
Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com. Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia

(13:51):
dot com, and we'll answer those questions. All right, doctor Jeffries,
we're going to take a break. When we come back,
we are going to talk about y'all those five signs
that your relationship is on life support. So hold on, y'all,
hold on, doctor Jeffries. Yeah, we're gonna be back and
talk more. Right here on w D I A.

Speaker 2 (14:17):
Hi, this is David Porter, and you are listening to
the Queen of talk, Bev Johnson. She is the one
and only. No one can top her, no one can
stop her, and I'm in love with her. You're listening
to Bev Johnson at w d I A.

Speaker 6 (14:31):
The Bev Johnson Show.

Speaker 11 (15:27):
You Just keep.

Speaker 1 (15:38):
Went around a.

Speaker 2 (15:40):
Bear enough Behoving Show. Good morning, and welcome back to
the Heart and Soul of Memphis.

Speaker 5 (15:54):
W d I A.

Speaker 2 (15:55):
The BEB Johnson Show. I'm Beb.

Speaker 5 (15:57):
We are talking on this Relation Day with our behavioral
relationship consultant, doctor Dorothy Jeffries.

Speaker 2 (16:06):
Our topic of conversation.

Speaker 5 (16:07):
If you have not heard it, we're going to talk
about five signs that your relationship is on life support.
So doctor Jeffries, let's began with that first sign your
relationship may be on life support.

Speaker 8 (16:29):
One of the very first time is a waning or
a loss of affection between the couples. And we're talking
about not necessarily the sexual part of the thing, but
just playful affection, loving affections, you know, touch and kissing,
you know, the things that we do playfully that shows

(16:51):
that we care, we see each other, we.

Speaker 10 (16:53):
Like being together.

Speaker 8 (16:55):
When that is, you know, kind of going away or
it has gone away, that's a red flag because that
means there has to be something that's blocking the desire
to touch, to feel, or to be close to you.
And when you're in love with someone, and especially if

(17:16):
you've been in love with someone for extended amount of times.
Those feelings should be growing deeper and warmer as opposed
to fading and dwindling. So lack of affection on either
part and check in with yourself first. Poor communications in

(17:36):
the beginning and early stages of the relations whatever the
person said was brilliant, whatever the person said was hilarious,
whatever the person said just kept your attention, and you,
you know, were just completely concentrating on making sure that
you could give good communication, feedback, that you were paying attention,

(18:01):
You made eye contact, you know, made sure that what
you were saying was clear and all of that. And
then you can also think about those long, extended talks,
whether it was on the phone or whether it was together.
There was never enough time to say everything that you
had to say together. Now there are people who live

(18:22):
and if they say three words per day to each other, yeah,
and it's only by need, maybe then that's an issue.
That's something that you know, pay attention to. Do we
talk to each other? How come we don't talk anymore?

Speaker 10 (18:39):
Lack of respect and trust.

Speaker 8 (18:42):
When communication is dwindling, when affection is disappearing, one of
the first things to rear his heads is in security
and so the twin sisters in security is jealousy. So
when when people become being suspicious, Well, if you're not
affectionate with me, or if you're not enjoying me, who

(19:03):
are you enjoyed? You know, when you say you're going
out to hang with your boys, you know, but before
you want to spend time with me. But now anything
else will take you know, will take my place. Why
why is that?

Speaker 3 (19:18):
You know?

Speaker 8 (19:19):
What are we doing wrong? What's changed? What's changed within you?
And what's to and asking yourself, do I care if
that's what you do?

Speaker 7 (19:28):
Because there are.

Speaker 8 (19:29):
Couples who have maintained their relationship and one is gone
all the time and the other one is gone with
their friends or relatives or what have you. And as
long as nobody has any issues about it and nothing
comes up about it, you know, you may just be
passing each other at the house. And of course the
sexual relationship is always hindered during this time because if

(19:54):
you don't have a sense of commitment and respect and care,
if you don't have a sense of communitmmunication and connection
you know, where you can talk about things together, and
there's no physical affection and no time to be together,
there's probably going to be a serious impact on your
physical intimacy. Do you want to engage in sex you know,

(20:17):
is it fulfilling, is it rushed?

Speaker 10 (20:20):
Is it angry sex? Or is it in different sex?

Speaker 8 (20:23):
Or is it infrequent sex. It's not what you used
to have, it's not what you want, and it's not
feeding either one of you. And I think one of
the main killers that people don't think in terms of
is financial problems. Financially, I don't care what you got

(20:43):
going for yourself, where you work, how good you look,
what you're driving, and all of that. If you're not
managing your finances, if your bills out of control, if
you are irresponsible in your use of money, and what
have you, it creates issues and once you, once you
get into financial trouble, if you don't pay attention to

(21:07):
it or figure out a responsible way to manage it
and resolve it together, it is probably one of the
first serious killers a relationship, because when you're worried about
bills and build collectors and getting behind and losing things
and what have you, it's hard to think about any

(21:27):
other aspect, and people then tend to start blaming each
other or feeling guilty about their role. So with those
things in mind, think in terms of if any of
those come up. Now, there are two other factors that
are automatically right up there.

Speaker 10 (21:48):
With financial problems.

Speaker 8 (21:49):
The first, any type of abuse, whether it's the one
time level of abuse, whether it's emotional, verbal, psychological, or
physical abuse has no place in a healthy relationship, and
that's one that you should immediately attend to getting some

(22:10):
help for yourself, getting going through marital counseling, the couple's
counseling to address what the issues are. And if at
any point you feel threatened, if you feel like you're
walking on eggshells, if you live in a volatile situation
where you don't know what may happen with your partner
from time to time, if you've ever been hurt, then

(22:33):
you need to get all the other stuff and.

Speaker 10 (22:36):
Take care and protect your safety.

Speaker 8 (22:39):
And of course any type of addiction, any type of addiction,
is also another outlier that will destroy a relationship. So
there's a whole carve out of different things that have
different types of impact, and only you can tell which
ones have the most meaning for you. But the ones

(23:02):
that that we initially we were talking about to focus on.
Are those everyday things that wear away the fiber of
your relationship until you wake up one day and you
don't know what the heck happened. You know, you don't
bring me flowers anymore, like Barb Stratton says, you know,
we don't. We don't do the things we use, We

(23:24):
don't laugh together together, we don't even eat together anymore.
So what and we've been together all this time? Even
what's wrong? Or why are we staying? So?

Speaker 5 (23:36):
And and that that that last question is and I
always think about it when we hear that that that
couples are having problems?

Speaker 2 (23:47):
Why are you staying? And you know, doctor Jeffers, and
you know, being a professionally been.

Speaker 5 (23:53):
Doing this a long time, you hear all kinds of
I guess, excusive or explanations why a person stays.

Speaker 8 (24:03):
Absolutely, and you know, one of the biggest ones. People
have a high tolerance for unhappiness and pain and isolation
and disappointment. And that's bad in itself. A high tolerance
for it, a high tolerance if things have to again
almost to a toxic level before they can pay attention

(24:27):
to it, you know, because if you're taking it, you know,
if you're taking a daily sip of poison.

Speaker 10 (24:33):
You're not gonna die immediately.

Speaker 8 (24:35):
You know, it gets into it and they damage some
of your bodily functions and what have you. But you
can sustain yourself over it for a long time until
some other symptoms occur as a result of living and
experience such high toxicity. Then you've got major problems where
you're talking about surgically removing things or taking long term

(24:59):
medication or possibly having no alternatives, you know, because you
reach the state where there's no return for It's the
same thing that happens with emotional and psychological toxicity. You
can be weathered down by abuse, by pain, by isolation,

(25:20):
by someone who says they love you or used to
love you, ignoring you. People who live in situations where
they are with serial cheaters, where it just leads from
one incident to the next incident. So I mean that's
an ongoing level.

Speaker 10 (25:38):
Of disrespect and pain.

Speaker 8 (25:41):
All of those things for some people who have low
self esteem or who feel passive, and for what other
reasons may be financial, maybe for children, maybe for material
things that they bought that they feel that they cannot
leave the religon relationship, or maybe they don't feel they

(26:03):
deserve to leave the relationship. They remain there, and so
they live with that day in and day out. And
even though you think I'm aware of this, I know
what's going on. You know this is the old story.
I don't pay any attention to it anymore. That's not
true because every time there's a new incident, there's a

(26:25):
new person in Bob, there's a new thing that confirms
your partners being unfaithful to you. It tears something apart
in you. So those are things that That's why I
was saying earlier, think first from your point of view, Okay,

(26:48):
go ahead. I was gonna say, because the other thing
you want to consider, if somebody is a serial cheater,
why do they need to stay with you? Why not
just go and become single? And they don't have asked,
they can just they they they and make no commitments
to anybody. So why are they staying with you?

Speaker 2 (27:06):
Yeah?

Speaker 12 (27:08):
That comfort to do it.

Speaker 2 (27:11):
Yeah, and that's a good topic by itself, serial cheaters.

Speaker 5 (27:15):
I like that.

Speaker 2 (27:18):
Yeah. I was going to ask the question do do
do people ever ask this self?

Speaker 5 (27:25):
There?

Speaker 2 (27:25):
Or should they ask this question?

Speaker 11 (27:27):
Well?

Speaker 2 (27:27):
How do we get here? How did we get here?
How do we get to the point of we.

Speaker 5 (27:32):
Don't have any more affection for one another? How did
we get to the point we've lost respect and trust? How?

Speaker 2 (27:39):
How do we how did we get to.

Speaker 5 (27:42):
Those those parts, Doctor Jeffrey. Should they ask themselves that
those questions are what?

Speaker 8 (27:50):
Oh? Absolutely, because for some people they can tell. You
know how we talk about the kids, how when kids
are traumatized very young, there's something that stops them right there,
and they will always remember that incident. When a person
loves another person, and I mean they're devoted to them,

(28:12):
and they just embraced this person into their lives, and
they carry all their happiness. The moment they become disillusioned
with the person or the person breaks their heart or
betrays them, they're ear marked right there. They can remember
everything about that moment. It doesn't mean that because they

(28:35):
feel so overwhelmed by it and the hurt and stuff
that they carry. But what it also marks is how
they then decide they're going to buffer or protect themselves.
I may not leave you, but I may not ever
ever allow myself to wholeheartedly believe you again, or I

(28:58):
can't respond you with abandon the way that I used
to when we were intimate with each other because I
flashed back to when you hurt me, and maybe you'll
do that again. So when someone is hurt like that,
it really does scar them and it scars the relationship.

(29:22):
And until people can just have.

Speaker 10 (29:24):
A complete, you know, truth telling.

Speaker 8 (29:28):
Session where everything is laid on the table and you
both are saying, we want this to work, but we
first have to just take away all the lives, all
the you know, everything that we have said and done
to damage it. We have to lay all that out
and turn it on the light to see if it

(29:49):
can be forgiven. But most people are afraid to do
that because to put yourself out there and say, yes,
I've done all these things, I've heard you and what
have you and I hadn't really thought about what it
was like that for you. I was being selfished. Very
few people are able to say that with their whole heart,

(30:11):
because if they were immature enough to continue to do
that thinking that it was impossible for them to get caught,
then they are not mature enough to be able to
take the feedback that's gonna come or the questions that
the other person is going to ask, why would you
do that to me? Why would you hurt me, Who

(30:34):
was it?

Speaker 10 (30:34):
Why her? Why him?

Speaker 8 (30:37):
When did you decide you want to do that? Those
are all kinds of questions. Then most people say, well, yeah,
I teeved it. That said I'm not gonna do it anymore,
and that's all. We don't need to talk about it anymore.
But you don't have the right to shut that down
because they have questions.

Speaker 10 (30:50):
But if they asked the questions, then.

Speaker 8 (30:52):
You've got to tell the truth about your bad behavior.

Speaker 10 (30:56):
You're unfaithful behavior.

Speaker 8 (30:58):
So we don't willingly go into that unless they're truly
committed to trying to sablage the relationship.

Speaker 5 (31:09):
Wow, hold on, doctor Jeffries. We're gonna continue continue our conversation.
We're also going to go to the phone lines to
talk to you. It's your turn to talk, question or comment.
We're talking those five signs that your relationship is on
life support and any other relationship questions you may have

(31:31):
for doctor Jeffries. This day five three, five, nine three
four two eight hundred five zero three nine three four
two eight three three five three five nine three four
two will get you in to us. We're getting ready
to go to the other side of the BEV Johnson

(31:51):
show right.

Speaker 2 (31:52):
Here on w d i A.

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Whether you're in Arkansas, Tennessee, or Mississippi. On Facebook, Twitter,
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Show on do w d i A Memphis, The Bev.

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Johnson Show, That's justin Show Bell Johas, Memphis Talkie all Away,

(33:02):
Help you go, you go.

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Don't getting ready.

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In time?

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Let's go?

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Listen to one to say you know it's.

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Speaker 5 (33:33):
We are rocking and rolling on this Friday, Friday, July eleventh,
twenty twenty five, It's Relationship Day where we are talking
relationships to help make yours healthy, happy, wholesome, wonderful, and
most of all loving. Between considering adults a topic of
conversation to five signs that your relationship is on life support,

(33:55):
We're talking about that with our behavioral relationship cons doctor
Dorothy Jeffries.

Speaker 2 (34:02):
We won't get back with doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 5 (34:04):
Hold on a callers, we will get your questions and
your thoughts in jest.

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sixty four. Nine zero one four two five five two
sixty four. And when you go there, y'all y'all know
what say. Tell him BEB. Johnson sent you to the
rock and Chair of Memphis. Hold on, doctor Jeffries, I

(36:15):
am going to our phone lines to talk to some
of our listeners. Let's start off this day with Prince
of the joh Good afternoon, Prince haloriya.

Speaker 13 (36:28):
I'm doing wonderful, bell then, how you doing with.

Speaker 11 (36:30):
Your beautiful self?

Speaker 2 (36:32):
I'm hanging. I'm hanging, brother, I'm fabulous.

Speaker 13 (36:35):
Well, no, that's right.

Speaker 4 (36:35):
How does Steve say it?

Speaker 8 (36:36):
BEB?

Speaker 4 (36:37):
You don't do heat? No, I don't do hot.

Speaker 2 (36:39):
We don't do hot. Don't do it, brother, I don't
do hot.

Speaker 13 (36:45):
That's so amazing for a personally loved going to the Caribbean.

Speaker 2 (36:48):
I know you don't do what I don't do it
I do.

Speaker 13 (36:53):
It's okay, it's okay. Doctor Jeffers want to say good
afternoon to you through your polity and lesser until my
brother thinks that me and the beautiful wife and ladies
Lady P and King Harryo and Domino King Jackson, I
have two questions for you and the doctor bab Jackson.

Speaker 2 (37:09):
Okay, two questions, all right.

Speaker 13 (37:11):
New questions very quickly. The first question is do you
think people are naturally about human nature, naturally born to
go out and have a have more than one relationship?
By nature? I'm asking by nature?

Speaker 5 (37:28):
Okay, so so so in other words, have a have
an affair. Well, it's all not unfair when you say relationship,
I want to I wanna be. Are you saying in
a relationship or just going to have different relationships at
the same time?

Speaker 13 (37:43):
Yeah, different relationship. Well, okay, let's look at it this.
So you can go either way to go in the
port as a as someone being in a relationship and
they go out and have multiple affairs, or someone who's
singles just want to have multiple you when it comes
to that. It's in our human nature to have that desire.

(38:04):
That's what I'm wanted to ask you in doctor therapy.
The second question is that in our relationship, and you
did something in that relationship and that person said it's
to you, they have forgiven you. But the first time
something ever comes up, they repeat what they said they
forgave you for even though you may not have done that,

(38:25):
but they're always bringing it up, always just a current
recycle of the same thing that they said. We're not
going to talk about it. I didn't got it out
of my system, but there are people out there that
brings us the path. That's what I said.

Speaker 2 (38:43):
At the time you do something wrong, yeah, the.

Speaker 13 (38:46):
First time you do something wrong, and it may not
even be pertaining to what that individual has done, but
they always bringing up the past, even if you haven't
done anything once. Well you remember this, remember this, and
they always bringing up the path when they said, okay,
we got past that, let's move forward. But an actuality,
Bell Johnson, some people never move forward. They keep that

(39:08):
luggage on them. So I wanted to get you in
doctor Jeffery's opinion, when it comes to something of that nature.

Speaker 5 (39:14):
Okay, good questions, Prince. Thank you, Prince, be safe out there.

Speaker 13 (39:19):
If you do the same, I want you and everyone
have a beautiful blessing, safe and helping. We did stay here, all.

Speaker 2 (39:24):
Right, Doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 5 (39:25):
I think Prince had two good questions. Yeah, and the
first one about human nature. People will have affairs or
go out in relationship. Is that just human nature?

Speaker 8 (39:38):
Well, you know the first thing that came to my mind.
You know, people would you know, people would say, man
is the only one capable of making a decision to
be fatheful, and it's done through ceremony, ritual and creating

(39:59):
a covenant with between you know, their higher power in
the person that they're marrying. And that is based on
I think more of your behavior as a person, your
desired to raise a family, the abidance of having complicated
relationships and just adhereing one man to one woman, that

(40:22):
that sort of thing. But on the other hand, there
are any number of different animal species who mate and
make for life with the same person or animals. So
I think that it has too bore to do with
your ability or your willingness to commit to a person.

(40:44):
You know, I am, I'm here for you. I pledged
my talk to thee. I I'm in your corner, I
got your back, wearing this together. We're gonna build together,
we're gonna move forward together.

Speaker 10 (40:57):
We're gonna go through life together.

Speaker 8 (40:59):
That's one one type of commitment. And most people are
not mature enough to deny that. They're just bodily pleasure.
And in most cases, most cases, affairs are based on
physical attraction and a desire to go out and do

(41:21):
what you want to do and say as long as
the other person doesn't know, they're not hurt. But as
we were talking about earlier, one affair can destroy what
might have been a beautiful relationship because the injured person
feels they can never trust you again. And how can

(41:41):
you pledge to have a bountiful love relationship with someone
and in your heart of art, you know you don't
trust them because they destroyed that trust and hurt you
so dearly. So it's more than just cheating in the
terms of having sex with somebody else. And then there's
always been rationale and mostly men will use this. It

(42:04):
was just sex. There was no love in it. You
know you're the person that I love. That's crap. You
just can't have your cake and eat it too, or
in my preferred version, now there is no free lunch.
Everybody has to pay something. Okay, yeah, it will cost
you in the end.

Speaker 10 (42:25):
I love that.

Speaker 5 (42:26):
And the second question Prince had about somebody bringing up
the past, you said, you you forgive give that person,
but then when something happens argument, then you bring up
the past.

Speaker 2 (42:38):
What is that about.

Speaker 8 (42:41):
Well, you know, a lot of adults, unlike a lot
of children, do not know how to fight fairly, and
so when they're in an argument, there are some people
who are so ready to grab something that you've done
that they and they feel that they're completely in the

(43:03):
right and you're completely in the wrong. They will hold
on to that. And so whatever you do, whatever the
argument is, from that day forward, at some point this
old thing that you've done is going to be brought
in as a special weapon to use against you. And

(43:24):
if nothing else can tear down a relationship being beaten
with the same old rides over and over again. The
message is, you can never make amends for this, you
can never undo this, we can never move beyond that,
which is just as lethal to the relationship as what
you did. But they like to feel that bit of

(43:47):
you know, righteousness and to beat you with it. The
thing is, how long do you feel that you have
to pay or should pay, to be righteously beaten by
somebody who's not being righteous in the truthful matter of
the word anyway, Because forgiveness has to be present in

(44:08):
loving relationships. And remember, when you forgive, you're not only
forgiving that person for what has transpired or what they've done.
It would be better to say I cannot forgive this,
and then we have to work how we're gonna work
together or not work together based on that, or it's

(44:30):
gonna take me sometime, but I'm going to work towards forgiveness.
But if you're just going to hold things over people's heads,
you're not even practicing forgiveness.

Speaker 2 (44:41):
I like what you said, Doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 5 (44:43):
Never thought about that to tell that person I can't
forgive this, so maybe we'll try to worry. I like that.

Speaker 2 (44:52):
I like that, I like that I can't forgive. Just
say what you I can't forgive this.

Speaker 8 (45:00):
That's it, And that's why, you know, everything we do
on this show, it always circles back to things.

Speaker 10 (45:07):
We've talked about before.

Speaker 8 (45:08):
Remember when we talked about dating and meeting new people.
As you go through the dating process and you're getting
to know that other person, you want to get to
a point where you start talking about how people handle problems.
How do you handle your anger?

Speaker 10 (45:26):
You know, how do you process it?

Speaker 8 (45:28):
How do you communicate that? How do you behave when
you're angry? Do you destroy things? Do you resort to profanity?
Do you act childish, you know, slamming doors and stuff?
Do you disappear and think of something you can intentionally
do to hurt the person and then make sure they
find out how do you handle anger? That's always an

(45:51):
important question. And whatever that person tells you, then you
watch and observe and really get a true sense of
if what they said is truly how they behave when
they're irritated or upset. Maybe not with you, but how
do they deal with waite staff and a restaurant if

(46:11):
their food is laid? How do they deal when they're
driving and somebody cuts them off, or or they're upset
about work. Pay attention to that, because if people can
manage their behavior in terms of day to day frustrations
and disappointments and things that upset them, then that means

(46:31):
there's that potential that they will strike out, they will
destroy property, they're not managing themselves to adults don't need
to be together. If one is out of control and
the other person is afraid or always trying to manage them,
that's not a healthy relationship. So keep that in mind.

(46:53):
See how people process their moods, their feelings, their emotions.

Speaker 5 (47:00):
Okay, hold on, doctor Jeffries. We're going back to our
phone lines to talk with Bootsy.

Speaker 11 (47:06):
High Bootsy, Well, good morning everybody. How are you. Good morning,
doctor Jeffery.

Speaker 2 (47:12):
We're doing well. What's your question, blis?

Speaker 11 (47:15):
My question is why he means it's not being thinking
of being more established instead of worrying about the relationship
of being with a woman and all the negative and
still being more established to hisself in order to get
a job, a career job, do something spectacular with his life,

(47:37):
and still worrying about a woman to be with a
woman relationship and being negative all the time, and started
thinking it's something positive to do. Why they don't think
that would all right? And about the game too, you know,
why do people play games? Okay, in the relationship.

Speaker 2 (47:57):
Sounds good, Thank you, Bootsy.

Speaker 8 (47:59):
I like that.

Speaker 5 (48:00):
That's part doctor Jefferys why people play games, but Bootsie
wanted to know why men they just concentrate on women.
Will may going to do that, but instead of first
getting themselves together, well.

Speaker 8 (48:11):
Men have to be socialized and trained as to how
to manage their priority. Just because you're focused on your
career and building yourself up, getting your education, being sexually
behaviorally response for not running with crowds of people that
may lead to you, you know, getting into trouble or

(48:33):
not taking care of yourself and what have you. A
woman can pop up at any given time and a
man may be drawn to it, but a person who
is has been raised to believe that, yes, you can
love a woman. And if you love that woman and
you want to marry that person and the two of
you be together, then you work together to plan for

(48:56):
your future and how you're going to manage that with
gonna be responsible this to do all these things and
not put the horse before the cot, No, not put
the cots before the horse. We're going to get an education,
We're going to get a skill, We're going to have
money in the bank. We're going to make sure we

(49:16):
have a foundation, a financial plan. We're going to have
an understanding about how we're gonna live together, how many
children we're gonna have, We plan, we plan, we plan,
and as you plan, you're also getting to know each
other and you're growing. But young people have to have
somebody to model that for. You know, if they're modeling

(49:39):
is being irresponsible with money, doing what you want to do,
not taking school seriously, not even considering what comes after that,
then that's the life they're going to leave and what
have you. So it's a great question, and the question
the other question might be, how can we as older
adults address that. Maybe that would be a great show too.

Speaker 5 (50:01):
Okay, okay, hold on, doctor Jeffries going to our phone lines.

Speaker 8 (50:07):
W D I A. I call her?

Speaker 11 (50:10):
Hi, Frank, are you down?

Speaker 2 (50:13):
I'm doing well today? What do you say?

Speaker 5 (50:16):
Well?

Speaker 12 (50:17):
You know, the young man said, it shocked me.

Speaker 11 (50:19):
Why didn't you need a woman? Let me enlighten him
on something.

Speaker 12 (50:23):
Okay, when I me and my wife got together, and
I'm gonna be real, I'm gonna be real.

Speaker 11 (50:31):
I mean, hey, it's the truth is never told, then
people never know. But when me and my wife got together,
she may wear more money.

Speaker 4 (50:40):
Than I needed.

Speaker 12 (50:42):
Plus I needed to know a woman is way smarter
than a man when it comes to business and trying
to take care of things, and they're more passion about taking.

Speaker 11 (50:54):
Care of what they love.

Speaker 7 (50:57):
They win more passions than we are a woman.

Speaker 11 (51:00):
If a man treat a woman the way she's supposed
to be treated and not wants to be seen or
wants to be thank.

Speaker 7 (51:09):
You all that. A woman pay attention to her husband.

Speaker 11 (51:13):
But let me tell that man something want. A man
need a woman so he can educate hisself.

Speaker 7 (51:19):
I learned a lot. I learned how to save money,
how to get my credit together. If it went for her,
I wouldn't have no I'm just being real. I wouldn't
have no credit. I wouldn't because I watched her.

Speaker 11 (51:35):
How she did the bills, how she not buy her money.

Speaker 4 (51:41):
Going to the payday low.

Speaker 7 (51:42):
I watched her.

Speaker 11 (51:44):
Pay her bill, save her money plus my check. But
I'm learning, I'm paying attention.

Speaker 4 (51:52):
And then when we got too.

Speaker 11 (51:54):
Equally yoke in love. I mean that's a beautiful thing.
I mean, you don't get tired of one another?

Speaker 8 (52:02):
Do you know?

Speaker 9 (52:03):
I steal and used to hunt?

Speaker 11 (52:06):
Yeah, you know I have friends. Come man, you I
can't do nothing with it.

Speaker 7 (52:10):
I new had and We've been doing this so long,
I'm used to it. May our flow, our floor and
the flow. It's like the first sip. Okay, But but
you got to stay. You can't be cheating out there.
You can't let other women take what's what's at home.
See you out there.

Speaker 11 (52:30):
My mind ain't gonna leave home.

Speaker 4 (52:31):
I said, when you got.

Speaker 11 (52:32):
Your equally yoke, your mind ain't gonna leave home because
that's your equally yo, that's you.

Speaker 7 (52:39):
And you ain't thinking nobody what you see them, but
you ain't thinking about them women.

Speaker 8 (52:44):
And God knows.

Speaker 11 (52:46):
God made women because they were beautiful, and God don't.

Speaker 7 (52:50):
Mind he's looking.

Speaker 4 (52:50):
But God made me. But it's the lust. It's the lust.

Speaker 11 (52:55):
But my lust is at the house. And boy and
up you you people, you stay healthy when you stay
at home. I problemse you do? You stay healthy and
you don't need no bias because she is all right, Well,
thank you for that's good.

Speaker 2 (53:12):
Thank you, Frank.

Speaker 5 (53:15):
Hold on, doctor Jeffery. She says she is viac okay, unforgetful.

Speaker 4 (53:21):
Have y'all got a great show that I really appreciate,
Doctor Jeffery. Y'all talking some good stuff there. But I
just have a problem with number one.

Speaker 2 (53:30):
Okay, what's the problem.

Speaker 4 (53:32):
Because I say, I say number one is what she
was saying is correct, because you got to have that bromance.

Speaker 13 (53:37):
What's that number one?

Speaker 4 (53:38):
You're talking about a section you got? Yeah, you ahead there.

Speaker 2 (53:43):
Yeah, lack of affection. You're right, so you got to
have that unforgetful? Is that what you're saying.

Speaker 4 (53:48):
That's what I'm saying. That's that's what I agree with
one hundred, doctor Jeff.

Speaker 8 (53:53):
But the last too kind of mess me up?

Speaker 4 (53:55):
Doctor? What's the last? Oh were you talking about? You know,
when you're you know, get kind of unhealthy and sexy,
not any good? You know, I think that's a cop
out there because usually voted and your husband for years.
You know, love, Beth yokes just in the way I
feel love can conquer anything, you know what I mean,

(54:19):
it should conquer anything. Because I have been in a
relationship with a woman and never had sex with her
for a whole year. Okay, you know, because I just
love her that much? Is everyone about to say?

Speaker 2 (54:34):
Okay?

Speaker 4 (54:35):
And when you're in a relationship, Beth jouncing, and you
your husband gets sick for whatever reason and you ain't
able to perform, and it's.

Speaker 12 (54:44):
Time to go.

Speaker 4 (54:46):
And you've been together for fifteen twenty.

Speaker 2 (54:49):
Some years, well, you know, and you make a good quo.
I'll ask doctor Jeffers about that.

Speaker 4 (54:56):
I'm gonna get to the last. I'm gonna let you go, okay,
and the last say that you know besttuense. When you
have money and stuff, you know, don't don't take it
away that you know you find that like, for instance,
you've been living a good life and all of a
sudden the eyes got on you. You lose your business,
you lose the home, and you got to pay bills
and blah blah blah. You have to leave your husband

(55:19):
or even leave your boyfriend or your girlfriend because of.

Speaker 8 (55:23):
That reason financially. I think that's all that.

Speaker 4 (55:27):
And you've been with them for years there because it
ain't nothing like memories, baby girl, I'm talking about when
you think about the past and you have all these
great memories the person that you've been with, like that
brother just got out their airplane, one white his wife,
you know. And for a college talking about why we
always talking about women? May it was made like that

(55:50):
to creative fielding, like that, she is a part of us.
You become one when you get married. That's all I
gotta say is John, say thank you for your time.
You doctor jeff talk to me about that stuff, all right,
but I agree with the person.

Speaker 5 (56:06):
Oh by well, I'll get to doctor Jeffers one second.
W D I a high caller? What's up Clyde.

Speaker 11 (56:18):
With him?

Speaker 9 (56:19):
I just want to explain to me what is egly yo,
because I hear them people say that so much, and
I just I just want to know what it is,
because I mean, I'm just lost on that right there.

Speaker 5 (56:33):
All right, Clyde, you take care of Clyde. Bye bye,
doctor Jeffers. I started with Clyde first. Your brother will
know what is equally yo. He doesn't understand that, you.

Speaker 8 (56:48):
Know, Clyde is always coming up with it, like he
just does not understand. I'm telling it between him and
I forget for Oh.

Speaker 10 (56:59):
My good, I know, I know, okay.

Speaker 8 (57:05):
Equally yoke comes from the Bible, and it is talking
in terms of matching a relationship where people have a
list of things in common. And it's based on the
belief that when and if you are equally yoked with
a mate, then you have a greater chance of having

(57:30):
a positive, God approved relationship. I think that's about as
simplistic as I can explain it. But it means that
you have many things in common, those key things in
common that helps you stay in alignment with each other,
that reduces what things you might have conflict about, and

(57:50):
that you're able to work together, pray together, be together,
and maintain your relationship in a way that is pleasing
to God.

Speaker 5 (58:02):
Okay, now, unforgetful doctor Jefferies, He says, he he he
got what you said the first one of lack of affection.
But when you talked about the sex thing and people
gonna leave somebody because it may not have exens and
he says, and and and we need to talk about
because in some relationships couple, somebody may get ill or

(58:24):
sick or something and they can't have relationship.

Speaker 8 (58:28):
I think he I think he misunderstood what I was saying. Well,
I was.

Speaker 10 (58:33):
What I was referring to.

Speaker 8 (58:36):
Is that people, if you have. Part of a healthy
relationship is having a harmonious, mutually pleasing sexual relationship when
emotions change, when desire levels change, when people are angry

(58:57):
or resentful of their part, when one or the other
partner is engaged in doing things that is counterproductive to
the relationship, Having affairs, using drugs, the abusing substances, losing money,
making them go into dead, being abused. All those kinds

(59:18):
of things reduce the other persons designed to be physically intimate,
and so what may have started off as a beautifully
rewarding sexual relationship is now either by force or distaste,
or non participatory or just being there until absolutely nothing

(59:42):
on either party is interested in making an attempt now
to deal with somebody that you are in a serious
relationship or committed relationship, if you will, and one person
then becomes unable to have his sects well, there are

(01:00:02):
a number of different ways that therapists try to help
you explore that not being able to physically consummate a
relationship in the traditional manner, it's not the only way
that you can remain sexually intimate with your partner or
your spouse, you know, being a physically affectionate and doing

(01:00:26):
the loving talk you know, touching, you know, cuddling, finding
ways that you can just be together and talk about,
you know, how you feel about each other and what
have you in a loving way. You can show love
in so many different ways that assures you both that

(01:00:48):
you are loved and being loved by that partner. So
I wasn't saying that people get up and lead. Now
people will get up and lead because you can't satisfy
them anymore, and you're still trying to function, as opposed
to those who may leave because they cannot physically do it.
You know that people are selfish and in those regards,

(01:01:10):
and they want what they want and if they don't
get there, they get up and go or find somebody
else and bring them into the relationship. There is a hire.
A lot of affairs occurred.

Speaker 5 (01:01:22):
Yes, and another thing Doctor Jeffers unforgetful says that he
was in love with the woman was a relationship for
a year and they never had sense.

Speaker 8 (01:01:36):
I don't know what else. I don't know there's something
that I mean, why was it.

Speaker 10 (01:01:43):
For religious reasons?

Speaker 5 (01:01:45):
You know what?

Speaker 8 (01:01:46):
They could just remain in celibate and and that's fine.
People go years, you know, they that they have committed
that they're not going to have sex. Pride to marriage.
It depends on the commitment.

Speaker 4 (01:02:00):
There are a lot of especially.

Speaker 8 (01:02:01):
Young people who are very serious about not getting pregnant
and wanting to meet their goals. They may have relationships
where they are in love with somebody else, and they
never consummate that relationship because they don't want problems, they
don't want anything to disrupt their plans, or for whatever reason.

(01:02:23):
It is because people do have to think about if
I choose not to have sex with you, and we
enjoy each other's company and spend a lot of time
together because we enjoy each other's company, then that's something
that tells me that you like me just for me.
But if you like me just because you think at

(01:02:47):
some point we're going to have sex, then I may
counter that with saying, well, once we have sex, he's
probably going to be gone anyway, So why should I
do that, you know, especially if I want some and different.
The key is to be in an alignment with what
you think and believes about sex. And the same thing

(01:03:10):
applies here with the covenant about what you do when
you make the covenant to each other, like it's you know,
I am yours, you are buying with it together, and
you're standing and taking an oath before God. If you
believe all of that, and you and you truly are
wanting God to bless the relationship, then you take those

(01:03:33):
you know, you take those vowels to heart. That's why
It's important that a lot of times young people especially
need to have Bibles training before premaritons, counseling before they
go in to talk about all of these land minds
that can destroy a relationship because you were not prepared

(01:03:53):
for what real life and bring forward. And if you're
saying we're not going to have sex before married, I'm
saving myself and the man that I'm going to marry.
And meant some men do the same thing and you
stick to that. Of course, you cannot get married and
cheat and expect everything to work out. Okay, that's the

(01:04:17):
other end of that that could just easily destroy the
marriage because the whole point of remaining pure was that
nobody else would have been with you. And if you
wait until after we've been married, even though we have
had said, you still have violated the covenant and my
trust in you. So we have to learn the importance

(01:04:38):
of keeping our words or understanding what we are committing
to and why. You know, nobody else can tell you.
Parents like to tell you you shouldn't do this to
ABC and D, But if you don't believe in your
heart what it is you want to do and not do,
then you're going to do it anyway. It's nothing more

(01:05:01):
just out of curiosity as a young person. So it's
important that by the time you get the age that
you have to deal with the or you're faced with
these kind of adult decisions, that you have enough maturity
to do critical thinking. And you think, when I'm talking
about critical thinking, if I do as with you, and

(01:05:23):
that's so A and B are getting together, what's the
possibility that we will have a consequence that is not
going to benefit either one of us. We need to
talk through that before as opposed to afterwards and going oops, yeah,
you know yeah. And that could be anything from losing
a scholarship to having to get married or having a

(01:05:47):
child before you're ready, or losing an opportunity for a job.
It could be anything that can impact your life and
change the whole course of your life. So that's why
communication is one of the most important things. If you
can't talk to the person you're professional to love, you
don't really love them because you should be able to

(01:06:07):
talk to them about anything. And the longer you stay together,
the way of the intimacy and you can talk about more.

Speaker 2 (01:06:15):
Okay, hold on, doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 5 (01:06:18):
I like it. I like it. We are talking this
day five signs that your relationship is on life support?
Question Er two four, Doctor Jeffries, our number is nine
zero one five three, five nine three four two eight
hundred five zero three nine three four two eight three

(01:06:40):
three five three five nine three four two will get
you ian to us.

Speaker 2 (01:06:45):
You're listening to Double d I A.

Speaker 1 (01:06:50):
You're listening to Tennessee Radio Hall of Famer Bev Johnson
on w DA the Bev Jussio. You're listening to the

(01:07:47):
Bev Johnson Show. Here's Bev Johnson.

Speaker 2 (01:07:50):
And we're talking this day.

Speaker 5 (01:07:52):
We are talking about the five signs that your relationship
is on life support. And doctor Jeffries, I have an
email for you, and let me get this email. I
was strolling through Alisha. Alisha writes in doctor Jeffries. Here
here it goes. It says, doctor Jeffries, I have had

(01:08:15):
abuse physically, mentally, verbally in my marriage of thirty five years.
My children cannot understand why I stayed so long. I
stayed because I was trying to keep the family together.
I finally got out of the marriage and got myself together,
but my children still don't understand why I stayed. They

(01:08:37):
continue to bring that up to me. My daughter always
tells me that she will never have a man like
her father. Did I tell him the right thing? Or
what should I do?

Speaker 8 (01:08:50):
You know, I think that at this point I can understand.
At this point, I can understand what it is that
you were trying to do, you know, to give your
kids the impact of having a two parent family. But
I think the lesson that might have come too late

(01:09:13):
was that it sounds like that what you had to
endure and what they were exposed to made them feel,
makes them feel that the price was too high, that
you paid a price too high to do that. They
would have read that you had left and that's unfortunate

(01:09:36):
that they had to go through that, and that you
also had to suffer that. And we don't always have
the answer, you know, right there at the typical point time,
we do the best that we can with what we
know and where we are. I thank god that you
were able to work through that and come out of
that alive. Yeah, And now what I would instruct encourage

(01:10:00):
you to do is pretty much just sum up to
your children, particularly well to the boys and the girls
and the boys, don't don't treat anyone that you love
and disrespect yourself by treating them the way you saw
your father treat me, and tell the girls do exactly that.

(01:10:25):
But you don't have to deny yourself love. You just
have to be a better chooser of a partner than
I was. Learn from my mistakes. If you can learn
from my mistakes and what you saw and find somebody
who can genuinely show you what a good marriage is like,
then you would have learned what you know one of

(01:10:49):
the men, and learned you know that there are good
people out there. So don't and and don't spend the
rest of your time feeling guilty. Like I said, we
make the choices and we do the best we can
with what we have available to us. And so at
this point your focus now needs to go on you, Alisha,

(01:11:15):
figuring out what will it take for me to finally
be happy, to feel free so that I can find
out who I am as a person, as a woman.
And I hope you take that seriously, you know, and
commit yourself to doing that. You've earned it.

Speaker 5 (01:11:34):
Yeah, And I think and I thank you Alisha for
listening and writing in And also doctor Jefferson was just
thinking when she said that, I think not only with Alisha.

Speaker 2 (01:11:45):
But there are a lot of people.

Speaker 5 (01:11:46):
Out there that their children may not understand why they
stayed or did this.

Speaker 2 (01:11:52):
Or or did that, and they bring it up to.

Speaker 10 (01:11:55):
Them, they do they.

Speaker 8 (01:11:59):
And it makes the particularly the mom feels bad because
the mom is saying because she feels that the materialistic
things that the children will have will be better, you know,
two paychecks coming in and what have you.

Speaker 4 (01:12:13):
And in many situations like that.

Speaker 8 (01:12:15):
All of the abuses directed towards the mother and the
children witness it, but the of the parent doesn't directly
physically abuse or emotionally abused the children. So it's such
a warped sense of you know, what's going on, and
he certainly has problems. And maybe your daughter needs to

(01:12:36):
consider going into therapy just so she can gain a
better perspective of what happened. She was in it. You know.
It's just like somebody who's an eyewitness to a major accident,
you know, where somebody gets severely hurt and they can
only hold on to the immediate images that arise them,

(01:13:01):
as opposed to being able to dig down and walk
through and figure out what do I.

Speaker 10 (01:13:07):
Get from this?

Speaker 8 (01:13:08):
What do I see and what have I learned that
can help me, because I'm sure they know at some
level that you were not going through there just to
make them suffer. That you had to have a reason.
And the answer is I did the best with what
I had and knew and felt that would help my family.

(01:13:30):
If I was wrong, it was because I didn't know better.
But what you do is you learn from my mistake.
You learn from what you saw and feel and make
better choices, but don't necessarily deny yourself from being with
somebody who can love you and make you happy.

Speaker 5 (01:13:49):
Okay, Yeah, I like that, and and I like what
you said, doctor Jefferies, and we should be okay of
saying I did what I have to do because maybe
I didn't have the resources and I didn't know better,
and I didn't have anybody to talk.

Speaker 2 (01:14:05):
To me about this.

Speaker 8 (01:14:07):
Absolutely, if we could all pass tests based on hindsight,
yeah you know, we would all have a hundred. But
that's not how life works.

Speaker 2 (01:14:17):
No, it doesn't.

Speaker 8 (01:14:18):
But the key is you learn from the lesson that's
for you, and if you don't learn it, you keep
repeating it, right, right, But if you do learn the lesson,
you can move on to something better. So learn from
your mom's lessons as opposed to passively judging her for

(01:14:40):
her for her behavior and her choices.

Speaker 5 (01:14:43):
Okay, Oh, as we talked earlier, doctor, if we mentioned
a lot of signs about that our relationship could be
on life support. You talked about lack of affection, addiction,
financial problems, abuse, sex, respect and trust.

Speaker 2 (01:15:01):
Talked about all those things. Is you talked about serial
cheaters that have to get in to get that in?
Is there any of these things that is what word
am I looking for? More comes up the top that
of all of.

Speaker 8 (01:15:20):
The things you mentioned, you know, the number one thing
that caused people to break up is infidelity. That's the
number one thing, Okay, And.

Speaker 10 (01:15:32):
The second and the third thing is.

Speaker 8 (01:15:37):
Addiction, substance abuse and financial problem because those things have
constant to put constant pressure on the relationship and.

Speaker 11 (01:15:49):
It evokes so many different.

Speaker 8 (01:15:51):
Emotions that the relationship cannot rest and cannot be at peace.
And if this is going on, then there's no time
for you know, for you to step back, take a breathe,
to try to regroup or try to make some changes,
because everything happens so fast and it's like again, it's

(01:16:13):
like a head headline, head on collisions when you hear what,
I didn't know you were using drugs. I didn't know
that you were spending money and running.

Speaker 10 (01:16:24):
Up credit card.

Speaker 8 (01:16:25):
I didn't know that you had had affairs with all
these people, you know, all these things that hit you
out and blindside you that you just can't go get
a good night sleeping and wake up and say okay,
let's start over again. It stays with you, and then
some people it traumatizes you because your perception of who

(01:16:46):
you are with this person and what you have together
is why. And you've got to wrap your head around
there to figure out where do we go from here?
Can we go from here? And just like at least
you may have to figure rou what about the children?
So it's something that can be overwhelming, and most of

(01:17:06):
the time people make the decisions that there's just too
much to deal with. I gotta at least save me
my kids or whatever. But we can't stay.

Speaker 10 (01:17:16):
You can't stay and continue to go.

Speaker 8 (01:17:17):
Through this, and if the other person refuses to acknowledge
or refuses to change, you have no choice either stay
and think or go and try to swim. So that
it's something to think about and seriously think about.

Speaker 5 (01:17:35):
So if your life is and you all heard doctor
Jeffers mention all these things. Doctor jeffries, if your life
is on life support, I think that, and and correct
me if I'm wrong.

Speaker 2 (01:17:47):
The first thing you need to think about is do
I want to save it?

Speaker 8 (01:17:52):
Right? Right?

Speaker 2 (01:17:55):
Ask yourself the question do I want to save it?

Speaker 8 (01:17:58):
And I think this is a pay paper and paying
kind of exercise. Do you write down exactly where how
you why you think your relationship is on life support? Okay,
all right, put it down paper where you can go
back and look at it, every little thing about it
that concerns you. And then the second thing you do,
what is my role in this?

Speaker 5 (01:18:21):
Well?

Speaker 8 (01:18:21):
What am I doing? Participate this? You know, if the
person's taking money out there, counting, not paying the bills,
and you rush and trying to make up the bills
and pay them and cover them, and y'all are not talking,
only arguing about it, You're enabling to behavior. If you
look the other way when you know that they're doing
things that are not good for the marriage, you're enabling.

(01:18:44):
So you want to address that. Decide what are your
bottom lines?

Speaker 10 (01:18:50):
Can you negotiate this?

Speaker 8 (01:18:51):
Can you give some deadlines? And can you walk away
if they don't adhere to the deadlines that or don't
agree to do the deadline. You have to be able
to do something to make a change or acknowledge that
you're choosing to stay.

Speaker 5 (01:19:09):
And doctor Jeffers, if you decide to walk away, it's okay.

Speaker 8 (01:19:17):
You're doing what's best for you, possibly your children, and
for your future health and well being.

Speaker 4 (01:19:24):
Because we didn't even.

Speaker 8 (01:19:25):
Talk about what the emotional and the physical ramifications of
going through stress and worry and all of that long
term that creates all kinds of physical habit with your body,
your health, hypertension, diabetes, you name it. It all plays
in that and so there's too much at stay. You know,

(01:19:46):
sometimes you have to do what you have to do
to save yourself. And that's always okay, Okay, good.

Speaker 5 (01:19:54):
Good job today, doctor Jeffers. And let me say to
our little callers today, they had.

Speaker 2 (01:19:59):
Good questions today. They did, doctor Jeffries, had good that
We thank you fellows for those good questions. Doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 5 (01:20:07):
How do we end this up as we know the
signs that our relationship is on life support.

Speaker 8 (01:20:15):
Well, you know what I would suggest, whether you think
your relationship is on life support or not just do
a wellness check on your relationship. Sit down with your partner,
have you know, a comfortable conversation, not an interrogation, but
just saying.

Speaker 10 (01:20:31):
How do you feel about us?

Speaker 8 (01:20:33):
Is there anything that you really like.

Speaker 7 (01:20:35):
About how we are with each other?

Speaker 8 (01:20:37):
That you really like about me? Are there some things
that I could do differently though I could do better
that they may they out out better or make you happier,
and then allow them to share that and then you
do the same and do that from time to time

(01:20:58):
just as a health and wellness check. But if you
already know and you have that conversation, that's an entree
into identifying what things you have concerns about and you
have don't don't just ignore it any longer, because they
don't go away. They just manifest and multiply.

Speaker 5 (01:21:19):
Yes they do, all right, Thank you, doctor Jeffries. Good
work today.

Speaker 8 (01:21:25):
Well, thank you, ma'am. I try to earn my keeps
you do.

Speaker 5 (01:21:28):
I'm still doctor Jeffries. Think about I love that the
we're having a topic on. I think Clyde would like
this too.

Speaker 4 (01:21:35):
Serial serial cheaters. Yeah okay, yeah, put that.

Speaker 5 (01:21:42):
Down as your assignments, so we may think about when
you heard us Clyde, those those serial cheaters.

Speaker 8 (01:21:48):
Okay, all right, that's next week then, okay.

Speaker 2 (01:21:51):
Sounds good, Doctor Jeffries, be safe. You have a great weekend,
all right?

Speaker 8 (01:21:56):
YouTube there, take care YouTube bye bye.

Speaker 2 (01:21:59):
That is to Dorothy Jeffries.

Speaker 5 (01:22:01):
She is our behavioral and relationship consultant here on WDIA.

Speaker 2 (01:22:12):
I want to thank you callers.

Speaker 5 (01:22:14):
More importantly, I want to thank you listeners for joining
me this day on the BEV Johnson Show and all
week long.

Speaker 2 (01:22:21):
Yeah, thank y'all. We do, we really do appreciate you.

Speaker 5 (01:22:26):
So until tomorrow, please be safe, keep a cool head, y'all.

Speaker 2 (01:22:34):
Don't let anyone still your joy. So until tomorrow, please
be safe again, be safe, y'all.

Speaker 5 (01:22:46):
All right, all right, till tomorrow, I'm BEB Johnson, and
y'all keep the faith.

Speaker 2 (01:22:56):
Mark Baker take me Home, boyfriend.

Speaker 8 (01:23:01):
The views and opinions discussed on the Bed Johnson Show
are that of the hosts and callers, and not those
of the staff and sponsors of w d I A

Speaker 13 (01:24:20):
To take