Dr. Dorothy Jeffries #1

Tis the Season of the Walking Wounded, is the topic of conversation with Psychologist and Mental Health Specialist Dr. Dorothy Jeffries on The Bev Johnson Show on WDIA Radio.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Memphis probably presents the Beam Johnson Show.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
Let me say bath, I've gone.

Speaker 3 (00:14):
Me first.

Speaker 1 (00:18):
Let me you say bath.

Speaker 4 (00:21):
She's gone nappistogain.

Speaker 5 (00:29):
No matter of the problem she can have so.

Speaker 6 (00:33):
All the phone and the normans of mine, she was there.

Speaker 4 (00:40):
Jim mead in the hair by telling you to just
keep the.

Speaker 5 (00:45):
Fair, went around pegging out the chosing show because we've
got out in hacking.

Speaker 7 (00:58):
Here every day w d I.

Speaker 5 (01:02):
Well got me a missoping.

Speaker 4 (01:48):
Good morning, good morning, good morning, and welcome in to
w d I A The Bev Johnson Show.

Speaker 2 (01:55):
I'm Bev. Good to have you here on this Friday, Riot.

Speaker 4 (02:02):
December six, twenty twenty four. Enjoy this fabulous day to day.
It is Relationship Day where we a talk about relationships
to help make yours healthy, happy, wholesome, wonderful, and most
of all loving between consenting adults.

Speaker 2 (02:22):
We'll be doing that with our expert our.

Speaker 4 (02:25):
Psychologists and mental health specialists. Doctor the Dorothy Jeffries will
be talking with us this day. A topic of conversation
it's a proposal. Tis the season of the walking wounded?
Why is this time of the year so hard for us?

(02:45):
We'll be talking about that and other relationship thoughts with
doctor Dorothy Jeffries.

Speaker 2 (02:51):
When it's your turn to talk, you know you.

Speaker 4 (02:53):
Can nine zero one five three five nine three four
to two eight hundred five zero three nine three four
to two eight three three five three five nine three
four to two will.

Speaker 2 (03:09):
Get you in to us.

Speaker 4 (03:14):
And if this day, this day, Friday, December six, twenty
twenty four, is your birthday. Happy birthday to each and
every one of y'all out there who may be celebrating
a birthday on this day. Also on a Saturday, December seventh,

(03:36):
Sunday December eighth as well, Happy birthday y'all go out
and celebrate your life.

Speaker 2 (03:44):
Yeah better, you better. When we come back, we'll talk
to our.

Speaker 4 (03:52):
Expert psychologist mental health specialists. Got to Dorothy Jeffrees and
me Bev Johnson on the Bev Johnson Show only on
w d i A.

Speaker 6 (04:54):
You know over the time working hard today, Good morning

(05:24):
and welcome back the day you've been waiting for.

Speaker 2 (05:27):
Get we I have a lot of listeners, says we
love relationship day.

Speaker 4 (05:31):
Where we are back and I am back with my
sister friend, our expert, our psychologist, mental health specialist, doctor
Dorothy Jeffries.

Speaker 2 (05:40):
Our topic of conversation this day tis the season of the.

Speaker 4 (05:45):
Walking wounded, and we asked, why is this time of
the year always so hard for us? And let us
say I've been missing her. Good morning, Dr Dorothy Jeffries.
How are your sister.

Speaker 1 (06:00):
Morning, Miss beverly Eline Johnson. I've been missing you too.

Speaker 2 (06:04):
I've been missing you, Doctor Jeffries. But we're back in
the saddnth.

Speaker 1 (06:08):
Yes, we are back in the house again, back in
the house.

Speaker 4 (06:11):
And you know, Doctor Jeffries, at this time of the year,
the walking wounded, and you know, it's the holiday season,
and all kinds of things have happened all year long.
And I'm so glad that we're gonna talk about this
because a lot, I'm sure this is on a lot
of minds of people. Folks are going through a lot
of things now, A lot of stuff again, has happened

(06:34):
this year, Doctor Jeffery. So when we talk about tis
the season of the walking wounded, what are we talking about?

Speaker 1 (06:43):
Well, you know, it's like when you think about people
who are wounded and they're not dead from it, but
they have these wounds that they carry and the reasons
that the wounds still impact them and kind of have
some type of effect on their life, on their sense

(07:03):
of well being, their health, their relationships, their relatives. All
of that is because the wounds are unable to heal
for a number of different reasons. Some of it is
due to trauma. Some of it is due to lack,
Some of it is due to deprivation. Some of it
is due to mental illness like depression, anxiety, some part

(07:29):
of trauma that is unresolved. Some of it is due
to lack of work, satisfaction or no work. Some of
it is due to stress. Some of it is due
to isolation. Some of it is due to anger.

Speaker 3 (07:44):
You know.

Speaker 1 (07:44):
But we carry all of these in different little packages
or baggages within our lives. And the reasons that we
refer to it as the people of the walk and
Wounded is that initially after the Civil War or all
of the people who were coming back who thoubt that
the war was gonna be over, you know, like we'll

(08:06):
be back home, go with these people and be back
home by dinner. After so long, people were dying. They
were suffering because there were no resources available to them,
lack of things to maneuver with, or you know, just
a lot of death and mayhem and what have you.

(08:27):
And those people who came back, some of them were blinded,
some of them lost limbs, some of them never resolved
the war and the fact that the country was at odds,
and so they came back not like the young boys
and young people who went away, but they were viewed
as the members of the walking wounded. And since that time,

(08:51):
every war that people engage in they leave not the
ones who only killed in battle, but they leave those
people here who bring back to civilian life with them
the remnants of being at war, not at peace, engaged

(09:13):
in violence, engaged in struggled, engaged in angst and fear
and anger, and just being overwhelmed by all of these
powerful negative circumstances and big emotions, if you will. And
so with you living with that for any extended and

(09:34):
engaged point of time, you are definitely affected by it.
And it's not something you just go to bed and
wake up in the next morning you're fine. In many cases,
it may be grief over something or someone you've lost
as a result of this, and in some regards its

(09:56):
anger over having been compromised or having lost maybe all
of your property or what have you, or missed opportunities
seeing your kids grow up.

Speaker 3 (10:08):
It's just a bunch of.

Speaker 1 (10:09):
Things that are personalized by the individual on what they missed,
what they loved, what they can't reconcile, and what they've
come back to. And so at this time of year,
when everything around us gives the illusion that is like
a Norman rock Well painting, everybody's happy. You know, we

(10:33):
have this imaginary snow and picturesque tons of scenes a
family sitting by the fireplace or at these long tables,
everybody joyously sitting down and sharing a meal, you know,
at Thanksgiving and Christmas, and when in reality, for far
too many people, it's so far from that that we

(10:56):
have to acknowledge that and come to terms with what
it means to us, rather than sucking it up or
sitting on it or having it explode in some other way,
or trying to anessitize it through external substances and what
have you. So given the listeners are time to think

(11:17):
and considers what wounds, if any, that they have, and
remember we all have some wound somewhere. What is it
that your moon reflects or reminds you of something that
you want it or something that you missed, something that

(11:37):
you've loved and what is it that you think in
terms of that would make you feel better, do better,
be better in terms of what you might be able
to do or consider for yourself. So a conversation about
that what it means on us, because we're taking the
stand that life and time is too short and too

(12:00):
precious to just be stuck in this place of mourning
and grief and anger and loss. So at some point
we have to, you know, get it together so that
we don't waste this time or have regrets about what
we could have done or should have done.

Speaker 2 (12:19):
You know, a lot of times, and not only this
time of seasons.

Speaker 4 (12:24):
Usually it starts, doctor Jeffries, last month when we're starting
the thanks Thanksgiving and getting into the Thanksgiving and some
people just don't feel thankful or they you know, because
so many things have gone on and happened.

Speaker 1 (12:41):
Uh.

Speaker 4 (12:42):
And as you said earlier, you know a lot of
people have been traumatized by different things that have gone on,
and they just some folks I've talked to, doctor Jeffries,
do not like this.

Speaker 8 (12:54):
Time of the year exactly.

Speaker 4 (12:56):
That's true because it brings back to many memories and
things going on or things have not changed that you
hope would have changed.

Speaker 2 (13:07):
So dealing with that, how do we deal with that?

Speaker 1 (13:10):
Doctor Jeffers, You know, I think that they're very, very true.
But everything outside of yourself and when people talk about, oh,
what are you doing for thanks scaredy? You know, like
as all the family getting together, and everybody has this
image in their mind of on the Hallmark Challenge. You know,
what happens is thanks giving up. What's that's supposed to

(13:32):
be the standard. But there are people in families in conflict.
There are people with families where significant family members are missing.
For some people, you know, there's illness, and you can
go on and on with day to day realities, and
so the stress becomes not so much as about the day,

(13:55):
because the day will pass in twenty four hours, but
we actually live Thanksgiving and Christmas within a month to
three months of time leading.

Speaker 8 (14:05):
Up to it.

Speaker 1 (14:06):
You know, the decorations, the music right shows on TV
and all of that. It's so one of the most
difficult things to do is to come to terms with
what does this day mean to me? What does it
mean just me? And in terms of my family, are
we talking about my immediate family? You know, the people

(14:27):
who live with me orre we talking about my extended
families or which talks about my extended families and free
You have to come to a definition defined by yourself,
for yourself what this day means to you. The same
thing with Christmas. You know, if you come from a

(14:48):
huge family and people see you because you appear to
be doing well, You've been to college and you've got
a good job, and what have you, people being four
cas ask what your financial health is, and so in
order to maintain that look, then we see ourselves going
into debt that you may have just paid off from

(15:11):
the year before, of feeling like you have to buy
a gift and expensive gift for every member of your family.
So comeing to terms with that and setting boundaries for yourself.
But you first have to acknowledge where the wounds are
and what the wounds represent to you before you can

(15:32):
figure out what it is that you want or need
to happen for you. And it may not be that
you even show up the thanksgetting dinner, but it needs
to be a process that you're willing to go through
so that when you come to the decision about whether
you go, whether people come to you, whether you participate

(15:54):
it all in one or either or neither. Then you
have to feel clear in your mind that what it
is you're deciding to do is in your best interest,
And don't worry about what other people's expectations or judgments
are going to be, because that may be part of
what's keeping your wounds un here.

Speaker 2 (16:18):
You know what I'm thinking about what you said.

Speaker 4 (16:20):
Judgment and a lot of times that that stops people,
doctor Jeffries. You know they're in judgment of others and
they just they just can't get over it.

Speaker 1 (16:33):
That's right, that's right, Or they do what they don't
want to do, trying to avoid the judgments because they've
heard how other people have been judged. But listen, if
you're not there, they're gonna talk about you anyway, right,
So it doesn't matter. You don't even have to hear it.
But I promise you, once you make peace with it

(16:55):
and you decide that you're free, you're free to be
who it is you want to be. You're free to
start on this process of becoming the best that person
that you can be, within your own skin, within your
own mind, within your own values and choices and decisions

(17:17):
and boundary. When you get to that point, it doesn't
matter what everybody else says. And people don't believe that,
because you know, the closer the person is to you,
the more power they have to judge you, hurt you,
embarrass you, shame you, and all of that. But when
I talk about freedom, the freedom is when you give
yourself permission to be exactly who you are, the way

(17:41):
you are, where you are, and how you are, and
no excuses made for that. Then that's a powerful step
of courage. And at some point before we leave here,
we all should be looking and stepping in that direction
to give ourselves. As Nina Simone would say, to be free,

(18:04):
and free means living without fear, the of judgment, the ridicule,
fear of anything else that somebody outside of yourself can
project on you. We all want to experience one one day,
one week, one month, one year, one part of our lifetime,

(18:24):
feeling free with no fear.

Speaker 2 (18:30):
It sounds so easy.

Speaker 4 (18:31):
As you said that, doctor Jeffries, and someone is saying
saying that to themselves, but else say to you, Doctorffre, doct.

Speaker 2 (18:37):
Difference not I'm not gonna do I can't. I can't
do it. I don't know why I can't do it.

Speaker 1 (18:43):
Because they it's not easy because what you're doing, you're
breaking whatever age you are and whatever level of age
and awareness you are. You're breaking the bounds that the
vowels that keep you locked into that where you need

(19:05):
this person's validation. You need to show up at whatever
the situation is. You're obligated to spend this money because
that's the family. That's what the family does. You're in
you know, you're not making choices for yourself as an adult,
regardless of what your personal circumstances are. You're making sacrifices

(19:28):
and extending yourself, first of all, resentfully because you don't
really want to do it. And so if you think
that doing what it is you're doing to accommodate or
to be present, or to address other people's expectations, and
you are resentful about it, you don't get any happy
faces for that because it is a waste suggested. It

(19:52):
has no meaning. You're just being compliant, and so the
work starts and you may not be able to do
that this year, but keep in mind that this could
be the first step towards where you will be next year.

Speaker 9 (20:08):
If you are.

Speaker 1 (20:09):
Fortunate enough to be here. The first step may be
pick something, one thing, one situation, one day, one moment,
one hour. However you want to do it where you
can stand on your own truth about it. So maybe
you know you hate the family dinnists because they play
like a bad soul food movie. You know where, you

(20:32):
know who's going to show up, you know what's on
the menu, you know who, how the dinner is going
to start. You know that when the bickering is going
to start, and then you know when the alcoholis flows
long enough, if somebody's gotten intoxicated, there's going to be
a scrabble over something that's been an annual scribble ever
since you can remember. You pick the time that is

(20:54):
the most uncomfortable for you and excuse your step. You
know do you know you probably have stomach aches and
feel anxious and what have you. But if you don't
do anything else, just excuse yourself for the room. Maybe
you decide, well, I'm not gonna leave, I'll just go
sit in my car for thirty minutes or forty minutes

(21:15):
or what have you. But what you're doing is you're
practicing breaking yourself from the negativity that you experience, and
nobody else may be experiencing what you experience because the
older you get, if you have siblings, you will find
if you have a conversation with your siblings that all

(21:35):
of you lived in the same household, but saw, heard,
and believe and know totally different things about your experiences there.
So what you feel and how you feel it is
probably just you. So the only person that you can
address with that is you, because the goal is for

(21:55):
you to feel better, for you to experience the free,
freeeness making your own decisions.

Speaker 4 (22:03):
What about doctor Jefferson, when you're talking about that, there
are people out there who have been the walking wounded
for years and years and years, and someone's listening says
that when we're talking about family, that family member, they're
not gonna change, They're not gonna do better.

Speaker 2 (22:24):
I've tried to help them. I've tried to say some
things to them. I mean, is that okay? Or you
let them figure it out?

Speaker 1 (22:34):
Well, they may not have any sensibilities about what it
is they need to figure it out. Some people have
resigned themselves to be the role that they have been
given or that they've assumed in the family. They don't
know anything else. If you're the person you know one

(22:55):
of the things like when everybody goes to let's say,
quote these things, family house and everybody powers and although
everybody has a house, okay, but people have all different
reasons why we always go to the family house. And
usually in the family house, somebody who's a member of
their family of origin is still staying there. They may

(23:17):
be there with their particular family, but that's still never
referred to Jack Kill Johnny Mary's house as the family house.
So when people come over there, they want to first
of all claim it as the family house, but act
like their business. So every major holiday, every celebration, where
does it happen at the family house? Who's responsible for

(23:40):
what happens at the family house? Everybody who lives at
the family house have people bringing stuff by all week,
come and buy, piling up the kitchen, all these things,
and you know whether it's paper or glass, utensils and
all of that stuff. There's a myth after so many
people have been there, what do these people who claim

(24:01):
the family house do? After they eat? They start checking
out one by one and who's left so the family
meal doesn't have all day glows with the people who
are left there to do to clean up and the
other people who have preaching about we've got to do this,
this is the way we've always done it, that it
never occurs to them. Just like we have the good

(24:25):
time of meal prep and all of this, and you
may have done the majority of the cookie. We also
need to participate and be sensitive to the fact that
we need to clean up as a group as well
and model that for the younger people. So having an
honest conversation about it, why not rotate from house to

(24:47):
house and then if you rotating, then if it's at
your house, then you be responsible for cleaning up after
your house, because you know everybody else is going to
have their turn. For everybody to trick away and be
responsible for it or being responsible for doing the cleaning.
But the thing is, nobody gives you equity without you

(25:10):
raising the issue that this is unfair and it's unequal
and we need to talk about how to fix that.

Speaker 7 (25:19):
You have to speak that up for yourself.

Speaker 1 (25:21):
Even if you have to whisper it, or even if
you have to tell somebody. Everybody has that one person
in a family who has a big mouth will carry
every message.

Speaker 3 (25:31):
Tell that person.

Speaker 1 (25:33):
And put it on the table so that one or
two things will happen your relatives will hear you and
understand what you're saying and try to work it out
because they love you and they're concerned about all of
their relatives being happy, especially if it's something that they
have control lover or they will ignore it and then

(25:54):
you will see them as being selfish and uninterested, and
then you can make your own decisions. But the topic
has to be brought out how you feel or what
you think about it, because people just don't go around
taking care of you if it's at they're convenience not to.

(26:15):
Just when people don't offer, don't do, don't assist, or
don't want to change anything, then take pause and look
at you know what is costing you? What are they
getting out of it? Because anytime something costs you and
somebody says let's look at changing it, you may be
interested in that because if I'm paying this amount, let

(26:38):
me see if I can do better. But if it's
not costing you anything but your time and that's limited,
then you don't really want to change it. Let's leave
it the way it is. So the people who are
not interested in changing it at all are probably getting
off scot free with everything. So but you have to
be strong enough to speak up for yourself first. And

(27:03):
that's hard. I acknowledge that it's hard for people who
are not used to doing that. But think of another way.
If you can't speak it up, write a note. If
you can't pay, if you don't have that person in
the family to bring it up for you, write a
note to everybody, send a text out. We need to
talk about how to do things differently this way this year.

(27:25):
I'm feeling older, I'm feeling a little tired. Let's see
if we can work it out where it will be
less demanding on one person.

Speaker 2 (27:34):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (27:36):
And so also when we talk about family and the
walking wounded, who are among us A lot of people
doctor Jeffrey is going through this time of year have
lost loved ones, whether it's a spouse or a partner,
or or a family member or sibling, a mother or father.

Speaker 2 (27:57):
I mean, they are really wounded.

Speaker 4 (28:00):
And some people, and you've heard about you know, they're
just dying from a broken heart exactly.

Speaker 1 (28:08):
And you know what people do that. I think they're
very well intentioned, But first of all, you have to
recognize the closer the relationship of the person who is
no longer alive to the surviving person in the family,

(28:29):
and the longer they have had that relationship, whatever that is,
the longer and the more complicated the lost feels and
the grieving process will last. You know, For example, you
may have been married for a long time and in
a very close marriage, and you will feel a certain

(28:53):
kind of loss there because that person is president your
day to day life. But when a parent, either parent dies,
whether they've been present, whether they've been active, or whether
you know, you just have some sense of connection to
if there's any attachment even to the thought of them,

(29:14):
you're going to feel a different kind of way. And
if it's a child, you know, and it's your and
the younger the child is, and the more complicated the losses,
whether it was through illness, through accidents, through violence, or whatever,
you're going to experience that loss differently. So we have

(29:35):
to become sensitive. And people think when they approach you
and they say, oh, I know, this is a hard time,
but you know he's in a better place. She is
so happy, she's doing well, she's glad to be gone
from this whole world. That's not comforting to somebody. How
do you know that, you know?

Speaker 8 (29:56):
How do you know that and that all the time.

Speaker 4 (30:01):
If we don't think we said they're in a better place,
we always hear that I'm glad you brought because people,
we say it all the time.

Speaker 1 (30:10):
And if I just lost my child, don't tell me
they're in a better place, because right now my loss
is so great because the only thing that will make
me feel better is for them to be here with me.
That may be selfish, that may be whatever, but that's
what I'm feeling. And if you've never lost somebody similar

(30:31):
to what that person, please don't say I know how
you feel, I know how you feel, or you know,
take it to God. You don't know how I feel
about God right now, you know, And I may not
feel comfortable enough to tell you I'm mad with God
right now? Why my child?

Speaker 10 (30:50):
Why now? My child was this?

Speaker 1 (30:51):
So?

Speaker 8 (30:52):
My husband was this?

Speaker 7 (30:53):
So my friend was this?

Speaker 1 (30:54):
Or whatever the loss is. We go through an arrage
of emotion. And so when people come in and they
say things like you know, they're in a better place
there with God, they're smiling down on you. One day
we're gonna be together again, that shuts you down because
what can you say to that? So you can't have

(31:17):
a conversation with them about how you're feeling now, because
the only thing you can say, well, I don't know
if they're in a better place, all right, and so
they don't want to hear anything or talk at length
about that. But people mean, well, but we gotta do better.
And what we don't realize is that sometimes a hug

(31:37):
and just saying I'm here for you. Yeah, if there's
anything that you need or I can do for you,
let me know. The closer the friend is to you,
they won't say that. They will give you the hug
and say I'm here. I'll be in touch, and they
will do something without you even asking.

Speaker 7 (31:55):
You know, whether it's bringing you dinner, send the dinner to.

Speaker 1 (31:58):
You that door dad, sure, you know. Linda Williams always
gives her friends stamps so that you can think about
when you send it out those thank you cards. She's
taking care of that for you, you know, just some
little gesture to say I'm thinking about you and I'm
trying to do something to make things easier for you,

(32:22):
and it means you know, and it seems like such
a small thing, but that takes start to come up
with something like that. You know, so think about what
it is that we say and how we say it,
and if there's nothing that you can do, just say,
you know, I'm so sorry for your loss and have you.

(32:42):
But don't leave it to the person, especially if you're
close to them, to say, let me know if you
need something now, because you may know something that they
might need if you're that clothes. So the words that
we leave the person and just being and if you
know the person well enough, you know what to say.
And then some people are their private you back up.

(33:06):
They don't want to talk, they don't want to express nothing.
The best gift you can give them their space, you know,
And so just being sensitive to the person.

Speaker 4 (33:17):
Okay, sounds good. We're off to a good start, Doctor Jeffries.
We are going to open up our phone lines.

Speaker 2 (33:24):
For you all this day.

Speaker 4 (33:26):
We are talking tis the season of the Walking Wounded
with doctor Dorothy Jeffries. You have a question, you have
a concern, relationship wise, you're a walking wound. We're going
to talk about that too, relationship wise. We invite you
to call five three five nine three four to two
eight hundred five zero three nine three four to two

(33:50):
eight three three five three five nine three four two
can't call. Email me your question or concern. Bev Johnson
at iHeartMedia dot com. Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com.
You're listening to dou W d i A The Bev

(34:15):
Johnson Show.

Speaker 2 (34:36):
Hi, this is David Porter, and you are listening to
the Queen of talk, Bev Johnson. She is the one
and only. No one can top her, no one can
stop her, and I'm in love with her. You listen
to Bev Johnson at W D i A.

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Speaker 1 (39:40):
All the life, and let them Noman know your mind.

Speaker 7 (39:45):
Still to be.

Speaker 4 (39:47):
Really aware, I'm telling you to just keep the fair.

Speaker 5 (39:56):
Where idle appear.

Speaker 4 (39:57):
Enough becos in soap Welcome back and we're talking tis
the season of the Walking Wounded.

Speaker 2 (40:11):
Doctor Jeffries. I'm going to our phone lines to talk
to some of our listeners. Thank you for waiting.

Speaker 11 (40:17):
Hi Marcy, Hi Bell, my doctor Jeffries. How you doing
I'm doing a big better is the struggle. Yes, ma'am,
I take it day today, okay.

Speaker 7 (40:31):
I on the first day.

Speaker 3 (40:32):
Happy holidays to you and doctor Jeffries and the WD
I a family.

Speaker 2 (40:37):
Thank you.

Speaker 12 (40:37):
Same to you, Marcy, and always your topic hits and
resonates with me, and I totally understand what you're saying.

Speaker 3 (40:51):
I suffer from loss and I'm not good with change.
And the last time we two spoke, y'all told me
to give a call back and give an update on
high wheels with that guy, I was trying to you know,
right close you're with well. Sometimes silence is in prayer,

(41:14):
you know, change his things and it's getten a little better.
I think I spoke with him maybe twice. Hadn't seen him.
We're not trying to see each other. It's peaceful. But
my thing main call is calling to say no one
knows you're hurting hurdles from loss of loss ones. My

(41:38):
hurdles might have more heels than yours to climb, and
with me not being good with change, it takes me
a bit long of the process. Even though I was
a very independent person, I was a sheltered child from
a village, so that has a great impact on a person.

(41:58):
When you move to some one like that mom or
dad and no one's there, they can say call if
you need me, but then they turn around and tell
me you should be over this by now, you should
be right here.

Speaker 7 (42:11):
By now, you should be right there.

Speaker 3 (42:14):
So I listen and tune in every Friday. I take
the advice and doctor Jefferies, I want to know what
advice do you have for me to keep moving forward
because it gets very hard for me and when I
get caught up in my feelings. I live alone, never
been married, and I isolate, so I must support this though, Okay,

(42:39):
but the ones that I thought should or would be there,
it's not that way.

Speaker 2 (42:46):
So let me go back.

Speaker 4 (42:47):
Marcia, and I do remember your story and from the
man that you with, and he's married to somebody else,
So it's still getting hard hard for you to get
over here?

Speaker 2 (43:00):
Am correct?

Speaker 3 (43:01):
No, I'm I'm good with that part. I'm working bad.
I have seasonal depression, like when the holidays come around,
on Mother's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving. I'm still I'm still recovering
from the loss of my mom and my dad that
passed two years ago. That's what I'm working with now.

Speaker 4 (43:25):
Okay, good. But and you did say you did have
a support system, so are they? Are they supporting you
or not?

Speaker 3 (43:35):
I do have a support system, and I do, and
I know my family, my village loves me. But sometimes
they just can give you what you need because they're
used to you being the way you used to be.
And I'm not the way I used to be anymore.
I'm gonna crutch in a sense, so I can't fop

(43:59):
them because of the way I used to be. But
I'm not there yet.

Speaker 2 (44:03):
Okay, I'll never be.

Speaker 3 (44:04):
The same person. I just want to get back to
being able to do as I used to do.

Speaker 2 (44:12):
And that was what Marcy.

Speaker 10 (44:15):
Like, my mental my mental state being happy.

Speaker 3 (44:22):
Stop having these emotions where I isolate when I get
caught in my feelings, because I will isolate in hey,
or I'll rash out to some of the ones and
I've really been working on that, to some of the
ones that I think should have been more supportive.

Speaker 4 (44:40):
Or you know, Okay, I gotcha. Okay, so good, and
so I will we will get doctor Jeffries. And you
want doctor Jeffries to help you? How do you make
the change?

Speaker 12 (44:51):
Right?

Speaker 8 (44:53):
Yeah?

Speaker 9 (44:54):
What do I need to do?

Speaker 3 (44:56):
So I won't rash out what do I need to
do to help prevent mean isolating myself?

Speaker 4 (45:02):
Okay, okay, thank you Marshy, thank you for checking back
in with us, and happy holidays to you as well.

Speaker 2 (45:09):
Okay, I love y'all, love you back. Bye bye, yes man,
bye bye.

Speaker 4 (45:15):
Doctor Jeffries were heard from Marcia. Hold on callers, we'll
get to you. Your thoughts with Marcy, doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 1 (45:21):
Great, great question because one of the things we tend
to isolate, we never process completely. Why are we choosing
to isolate? And a lot of cases we're isolating first
because we assume no one is going to reach out
and extend an invitation or gift or acknowledgement to us.

(45:45):
So if I isolate where I'm not answering my phone,
I don't answer my door, you know I'm in here,
I can have a private pity party of one and
feel very vindicated that I did this. I don't need them,
and all of that, which adds to the aggravation and
loneliness and alienation. So I would suggest to Morrowshy is

(46:06):
to first figure out what does the isolation offer you.
You get something from that, So pen to paper write
down what you get for you when you isolate, and
then write beside it in the next column, write down

(46:28):
what it costs you to isolate, because you can't have
both if you're locked in your house not answering or
responding to anything outside. If you want a company, you're
not allowing yourself to have it. So you need to decide,
you know which one that you want. And then if

(46:49):
there's people on your term selectively certain people, not all
the time, however you want to do it, write that
in a third column. I need need to begin to
socialize more, and then list why do you need to
socialize more? And then finally in the second part of

(47:10):
that third color right down. So every day I'm going
to do a B, C, and D because you have
a very friendly, outgoing personality when you call in. So
my guess is that's how you really are. When you're
comfortable and you're you know, you're sharing yourself. So if

(47:31):
that's what you want to grow more towards, pick one thing.
Start off with something very tiny, one thing that you
could begin to do every day that will give you
some contact with somebody. Maybe it's taking a walk down
your neighborhood and saying hi to the people that you

(47:54):
pass by, or complimenting somebody that you see in the mind.
I love that dress, so your hair. Excuse for you're
just first making people contact out of eye contact and
then began to invite a friend to meet you for
coffee somewhere, or you know, let's go to lunch together.

(48:15):
Light things during the day, early evening, things that it's
not going to stress you or stress that person. And
you do that for the next month, and let's see
how you're feeling, because while you're doing this, you're focusing
on doing your daily task or social contacts as opposed
to focusing on how miserable you're feeling during this time

(48:40):
of your holiday. Sat and seesonal depression. And I'd like
for you to call back and tell us what you
did and whether it helped, whether it was helpful or not.

Speaker 4 (48:53):
All right, doctor Jeffries, I'm going back to our phone
lines to talk to paulan Hey, Paul Anne Bell.

Speaker 7 (49:02):
How you doing, How you're doing, Doctor Jeffers Great.

Speaker 13 (49:06):
I wanted to touch on doctor j Justin was talking
about like family members you raised in the same house
and you saw what happened, but you have no recolleation
of it.

Speaker 7 (49:17):
See, most of my siblings are deceased. It's two of
us left.

Speaker 13 (49:22):
And when it got down to about three and we
discussed things that happened, I can't I don't know where
their memory went. And it's something that you cannot forget.
So they be like, uh, but you know that's your mama.

Speaker 7 (49:35):
You know I don't know.

Speaker 13 (49:36):
Were you older than I am and you had already
formed an opinion about everyone.

Speaker 7 (49:41):
So I call that choice of denial.

Speaker 13 (49:49):
You know, I want to just get that part and
just step back. And I've always been the black sheep
or the family.

Speaker 2 (49:58):
How do you know you were black?

Speaker 7 (50:02):
Let me tell you something bad. I just left my
mother house. Didn't you let me tell you that my
siblings are deceased. Yeah, he called me and said she
was on the floor. Now, when I went over there
to get her off the floor, I couldn't get her
up because I weighed ninety seven pounds and she weighed
two hundred.

Speaker 3 (50:21):
For more.

Speaker 13 (50:22):
Now, I'm a retired medical worker, so I used the
fire department law roll on her. Well, I put cloth up,
a drugger to the chair and we got up. Now,
if she had had another child living, she I would
have been the last person she called, but we couldn't
get up off the floor because she was too busy
worried about that. I smelled like cigarette smoke, you see

(50:46):
what I'm saying. And she was yelling and then told
me as I was leaving, what.

Speaker 7 (50:52):
Took you so damn long? So I'm the child that
if you remember, doctor Jeffers, I was telling you that
she gave me to a man and he took me
home to his family and they raised me.

Speaker 2 (51:07):
I remember that. Pol Yeah, So I hold.

Speaker 13 (51:11):
No illo feelings because that's my mother. But yet I
hold that inside me. Oh, I never become weak over
that or anything like that. And sometimes I get depressed
and people extend.

Speaker 7 (51:26):
Me a hand.

Speaker 13 (51:28):
Well you ever had a car that just the battery
just drained? They extend me a little hand, But I'm
so drained that I'm gonna drain them. They have to
move home, and like I say, my siblings are gone,
every one of them, wouldn't won't be the water. They
want me to keep going and make it. That's how

(51:50):
I hold their honor is by keeping it going, because
that's what they would want for their baby's sisters, Me
to keep going, And that's.

Speaker 2 (52:00):
What I do how old is your mother, Pauline.

Speaker 7 (52:03):
My mother is eighty nine years old and mean as
a rattlesnake. So these are issues that she had with
me due to her not knowing what her child, who
her child was, you know, I mean, just a lot
of head issues. But you know we didn't come with

(52:24):
the man. You were children, and I'm not going to
hold anything against them because we all make mistakes, and
our mistakes can follow us for a lifetime.

Speaker 13 (52:35):
So I'm that reminder, you understand. And mobis so I
just all this about I'm suffering and I'm grieving because
my sibling's gone and my grandma's gone. These people in
my life every day. But if you read your Bible
and you've been going to church, we didn't come to stay.

(52:57):
You can hold on to members of keeping moving. And
I mean, I'm not gonna go to somebody because I
got sister, brother and dadd and say, hey, I understand
because you're grieving is just some man, But I do
know what you're gonna do. Go lay down in the
cemetarial are you gonna keep going? I'm gonna keep going.

Speaker 7 (53:16):
And like I say, I'm the baby and I'm left
and I'm gonna keep moving and I'm gonna do what
they would want me to do for my mother.

Speaker 10 (53:25):
All right, thank you, thank you, Bill.

Speaker 2 (53:30):
Bye bye.

Speaker 1 (53:31):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (53:32):
Doctor jeffries Paula Ane.

Speaker 4 (53:35):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (53:36):
Yeah, And I can understand what she says. She you know,
My my take is that Paula Anne is responding to
her mother out of respect for her as her daughter
and being that her mother is eighty nine years old,
but also acknowledging the reality of the situation. And I

(54:01):
don't know that she has you know, has it so
clear cut, like how she thinks and feels about her
mom or what's going on with her mom and why
she behaves like that and why she gave her away.
That's always the looming question. I'm the youngest and out
of all the children, why did you give me away?

(54:23):
Maybe she has some suspicions about it, and I doubt
if they've ever talked about it, because the mom is
actually still holding on to the same thing. Paula Ann
seems that she's just doing it with more grace. But
if being at eighty nine, if you continue to keep

(54:45):
it in perspective at eighty nine, whatever your mom has
done or not done, you know, i'fer her the grace
of saying, you know, to yourself and to her, I
know you did the best that you could. Her behavior
and always picking and trying to point out something wrong

(55:05):
to you sounds more like her guilt and shame about
what happened to you because of her as opposed to her.

Speaker 7 (55:14):
Not liking you.

Speaker 1 (55:17):
There's a connection between what you represent to her, not
because she doesn't love you as her child, but because
there's shame and guilt and maybe stubbornness or an unwillingness
or I don't know how to make amends even at

(55:38):
this late point in my life. So for your own sake,
offer the grace. Do it? You know, don't even when
you when you begin to offer and practice the grace
of forgiveness with your parents, then it frees you up.
You don't even have to go through all the details
and what because then you probably not going to get

(56:00):
it anyway, But it frees you up from personalizing anything
she says or does after that point. So the grace
and the forgiveness for whatever it is, but you don't
know what you suspect and all of that, just put
it all in one lump and say to her, to yourself,
I forgive it. I know.

Speaker 3 (56:20):
I believe with my.

Speaker 1 (56:22):
Heart that as my mother, you did what you felt
was best or better for me. And I appreciate that
because it sounded like you ended up with a decent family,
and you certainly sound like you're doing okay now. So
that when you think about that, give that or consider
doing that for yourself as your Christmas present, because you

(56:44):
are the only child, and she is gonna call you
or have somebody call you, and if you could start
this process, I think you will find some peace with it.

Speaker 4 (56:55):
Okay, doctor Jeffries, I'm going back to our phone lines
to talk with Hi.

Speaker 2 (57:00):
Beverly, Hi Bell, Hi doctor Jeffries. Hey, how are you.

Speaker 8 (57:07):
I'm doing good. I wanted for a great show. I'm
so glad you're having this on today. My mother, I
think I told you that I was her caretaker. She
died recently. She was one hundred and one, and I

(57:29):
kept I was her caretaker for five years, and she
fail in her home and she never wanted to move.
She was still driving at ninety nine, so you yeah.
And I went over to the house and my nephee
was there and he said, Grandmama fell on the table.

(57:50):
So I said, Mama's time for you to move. It's
time for you to leave here. I'm going to sell
your house. You're going to sell your house, and I'm
going to sell my house, and we going to get
a bigger house, and you're gonna move in with us,
me and my sister, because my sister was living with me,
so we got a bigger house.

Speaker 10 (58:12):
Moved her in. But my problem is okay.

Speaker 8 (58:16):
My church members told me, even as dickens at my church,
they were saying, Look, your mama is not gonna be
your problem, It's gonna be your siblings.

Speaker 10 (58:27):
And I didn't realize what that meant until now. I
am like the dollars of the family.

Speaker 8 (58:37):
Hein't talking about me so bad. She's gone now, and
they just putting all kind of stuff out gormally.

Speaker 10 (58:46):
It's weak.

Speaker 8 (58:47):
He can't get over Mama.

Speaker 10 (58:50):
I was with Mama twenty four seven. I watched her
die for a whole month.

Speaker 8 (58:56):
I ain't had a good knight sleep in two years.

Speaker 14 (59:00):
Because I kept trying to keep her from going into
the bath woman falling. She kept turning the light out
and I will have to get up and turn it
own because she was trying to save on the lectures
to the.

Speaker 2 (59:12):
Bell, Beverly, how many siblings do you have left? I
have one, two, four, four siblings.

Speaker 10 (59:22):
So the problem they is, I'm.

Speaker 8 (59:25):
They if they talk about me, they said, Beverly, week
of my week and what I took care of all.

Speaker 14 (59:33):
Of y'all since I've been taking care of all of
y'all since I was twenty years old.

Speaker 2 (59:38):
So why are they saying these things about you?

Speaker 11 (59:40):
Now?

Speaker 4 (59:41):
I have no idea they say those things about you
when your mother was alive.

Speaker 7 (59:48):
No, it's after she's passed.

Speaker 8 (59:50):
Okay, So because I was, I had to get a uh,
grieving counselor to help me through it.

Speaker 10 (59:58):
Okay, they don't understand.

Speaker 8 (59:59):
Okay, I watched my mother die the whole month twenty
four seven. I tried to feed her, so it's now quivering,
and she told me, Bevily, just let me go home.

Speaker 2 (01:00:13):
Okay. So so Beverly, let me ask this question.

Speaker 4 (01:00:16):
With the siblings talking about you, it's not about anything else.
It's not about finance, it's not about anything else, not
that you were over your mother. Is it anything else
that your siblings while they're talking about you now, No, okay,
it's just they just say that you are a weak person.

Speaker 2 (01:00:34):
You can't get over your mother, right, I said, just.

Speaker 8 (01:00:37):
Because I grieved harder and longer. Oh, Mama doesn't make
me week.

Speaker 4 (01:00:43):
Okay, we got you. Okay, Beverly, let's let's we'll talk
to doctor Jeffries. Hang on in there, Beverly. You're welcome.
By bye bye, doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 2 (01:00:54):
Beverly.

Speaker 1 (01:00:56):
My question is to Beverly. I know she can't answer
right now. How many shifts did your siblings take, Like,
even if they were out of town, how many of
them came in and say I can only stay for
a week on a weekend, and you do whatever you
want to do, even if it's just sleep. I'm going
to come in and I'm going to look after Mama

(01:01:17):
for this week. And I think she said she had
three or four of us and one sister was living there.

Speaker 10 (01:01:23):
So there was five people.

Speaker 1 (01:01:25):
They could have rotated. They could have done a lot
of things that could have given her a break and
all of that. But it seems defensive more so than judgmental.
They're being defensive about what they didn't do, because if
you were not personally involved in the caretaking and to

(01:01:50):
do that for five years, then you had a different
type of relationship with your mom. And if I recall,
your mom was the one who had a professional job
and you took care of all your siblings while she
went to work. If I remember that correctly, so you
were a surrogate parents. It's nothing there. So your mom

(01:02:13):
was your mother, but she was also you were also
her peer child, if you will, because you were the
one who assumed an adult role in her absence. So
my first thing to say to you on this day
the value don't hear. Don't pay any attention to anything

(01:02:36):
that they say about your being weak. That has nothing
to do with you, and it's really kind of petty.
That's the best they could come up with to make
you feel bad. And why do you think you were weak?
If you sustain all of this additional caretaking of your
siblings and your mom since you were twenty years old,

(01:02:59):
then how in the hell could you be weak? Why
does that bother you? You know, the thing is you
loved your mother. She played a major role in your life.
You watched her leave this life, you know, the person
who saw you come into it, and you probably are

(01:03:20):
feeling more like an orphan and grieving from that type
of perspective than just one of her children who's grieving
their mother. Everybody has a different relationship with their parents.
Some is more emotional, some is more behavioral, some is
more you know, dependent, some is more independent. But the

(01:03:42):
point is your relationship with your mother and how you
choose to grieve her passes is your business. Now. At
some point your mother would tell you to snap out
of this, that she is only gone as far is
your memories and your relationship with her. You're not doing

(01:04:05):
her any service to fall apart and not go on
and enjoy some parts of your life yourself. So don't
use your siblings needling you as an excuse and what
have you. Just like I told Paula, you need to
come up with something that you're gonna do for Beverly

(01:04:25):
every day for the next thirty days, just for Beverly,
you know, come up with it. Figure out what it
is that you want to do, what you need to do,
what would make you do, and start off with some
type of self care. You know, get out of the house,
even if you have to walk around your block or
go to the mall and walk around a level or so.

(01:04:47):
The key is for you to get out, breathe different
air and see other people. You don't have to talk
to anybody yet, but just go out and just allow
your mind to clear itself and be grateful that you
had your mother in your life from your age to
her passion at one oh one. What a beautiful, wonderful gift.

(01:05:11):
Now acknowledge that and act like you're proud that you
were the one who had that.

Speaker 2 (01:05:18):
All right, doctor Jeffries, Hold on, Doctor Jeffries, hold on, callers,
We are going to get to you good.

Speaker 4 (01:05:26):
Conversation this day we are talking. Tis the season of
the walking wounded. Why is this time of the year
always so hard for us? We're getting ready to go
to the other side of the Bev Johnson Show right
here on w d IA, The Bed Johnson Show. Wishing

(01:05:59):
you and yours a merry Christmas and happy Holidays from
the Bev Johnson Show and w d I a.

Speaker 5 (01:06:33):
Bev Justin Show, Bell Chompas and Memphis talking at Home Away.

Speaker 8 (01:06:41):
How you go you go?

Speaker 2 (01:06:44):
Don't getting ready? Shot?

Speaker 4 (01:06:50):
Bet?

Speaker 7 (01:06:52):
Let's go, bet Justin?

Speaker 2 (01:06:54):
We make Gordy by here wrong?

Speaker 8 (01:06:58):
Do you time.

Speaker 7 (01:07:02):
Listens to want to face you?

Speaker 8 (01:07:05):
Nor with time of the belt of.

Speaker 4 (01:07:09):
The mountain, So lucky, Let's go on this Day, Friday,
December sixth, twenty twenty four.

Speaker 2 (01:07:16):
It's Relationship Day.

Speaker 4 (01:07:18):
Where we talk about relationships to help make yours healthy, happy, wholesome, wonderful,
and most of all loving between consenting adults. We're doing
that with our expert psychologist Mental health Specialists, doctor Dorothy Jeffries.
Topic of conversation TIMS the season of the Walking Wounded.
Hold on callers, listeners, Doctor Jeffries. We're gonna get back

(01:07:41):
with you, but let me tell you about my place,
my favorite place. It's the Rocking Chair of Memphis. You know,
the rip and Cheer of Memphis fifteen forty two Elvis Presley,
where we rock with the best soul food around, the
best entertainment in a town. Now you can dine in

(01:08:02):
or you can take out, and the Rocking Chair will
be serving a lunch up until five o'clock this evening.
They're open on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursday's, Friday, Saturday and Sunday
eleven to five p m. Where you can get some
of the best soul food around and miss Anne's famous chitlings. Yeah,

(01:08:22):
you can desserts, vegetables and an array of array of beverage.
Is now you know we know they have the best
soul food around, but the best entertainment in town. And
and to night tonight tonight it is the All Black
Affair at the Rocking Chair. It starts at six p m.

Speaker 2 (01:08:44):
This evening. Coming out and rock at the All Black
Affair where you're black.

Speaker 4 (01:08:49):
Mister Rocking Chair will be there, Miss Rocking Chair will
be there, and a host of others.

Speaker 2 (01:08:54):
My brother, the Marquis of Soul will be in the house.

Speaker 4 (01:08:58):
Sarah Smiles, Zach McGee, Dollar, Bill Dotson, and Queen Anne
Hines will be hosting for you, you know, AND's gonna
tune up for you because that sister can sing. So
come on out tonight to the All Black Affair at
the Rocking Cheer fifteen forty two Elvis Presley Boulevard and

(01:09:20):
get some of the best entertainment around.

Speaker 2 (01:09:22):
And don't forget.

Speaker 4 (01:09:23):
You can dine in or take out at the Rocking Cheer,
and don't forget on Mondays, it's twenty five percent off
Mondays for veterans, senior, City and County employees with ID.
They're closed on Tuesday, so dine in or take out
call them. They'll have your meal waiting for you. Nine
zero one four two five five two sixty four nine

(01:09:45):
zero one four two five five two sixty four. Don't
forget about the all black affair tonight at the Rocking
Chair with some of the best entertainment in town. And
when you go there, y'all make sure you tell them.
Bev Johnson send you to the I Can Tear of
Memphis fifteen forty two. Elvis Presley, We're going to our

(01:10:09):
phone lines to talk to you. Thank you so very
much for waiting.

Speaker 11 (01:10:14):
Hi, Pat, Hey beav.

Speaker 10 (01:10:18):
Happy Friday to you and doctor Jeffrey.

Speaker 2 (01:10:21):
Happy Friday to you, Pad.

Speaker 7 (01:10:24):
Thank you.

Speaker 10 (01:10:24):
Sweedie. You know what I just I tell you this
every time I talk to you. I just love you,
and I love doctor Jeffries. I'm so glad I don't
have to pay for a shrink. All I have to
do is listen to y'all on Friday.

Speaker 2 (01:10:37):
That's right, you get it free, sister.

Speaker 3 (01:10:40):
I tell you.

Speaker 10 (01:10:41):
I used to dread December the month of December, because
my dad passed in December. But that was like in
two thousand and one. My son was born in December,
my youngest sister was born in December. I got married
in December, so I'm I'm a happy camper now. But Thanksgiving,
we had Thanksgiving celebration at my nephew's healthy bus next

(01:11:04):
door to my mom. And my mother is ninety years old,
so we were told to we were asked to bring
a dish, so I, you know, took a couple of cakes.
I made cake and then I made the women pie.
But anyway, my mama made the dressing, the chicken and dressing,
and then she made the spaghetti and cheese because she
doesn't need macaroni and cheese. We had a grand old time.

(01:11:27):
So my sister, who we always celebrated Mom's house because
she's got the big house. We all grew up in
the house, right, So she was saying time, Well, y'all
not gonna have Thanksgiving here because y'all don't want to do.

Speaker 11 (01:11:39):
This to y'all.

Speaker 10 (01:11:39):
I said, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold up, hold up
this mama house. You know we all got keys. So
if she doesn't mind, you don't have anything to say,
I said, because if God forbid something happened to Mama,
you're gonna be a out, you know what that amen?

Speaker 7 (01:11:55):
Right? Yeah, So.

Speaker 10 (01:11:58):
Don't try to want nothing because I'm the oldest, I'm
the oldest girl. My brother is the oldest, but he's
down in Houston. But you know, it's like civil rivalry
is real. But this Thanksgiving when we were next door
in my nephew's house, we had a grand old time
and be lost to my great nephew was killed in February.

(01:12:20):
So his mom, you know, she's still grieving, but she
was glad and happy to be with us. Yeah, you know,
because we all gathered together. And you know, again when
family is about family, it's all good. You know, I'm
that person that they say, I'm the rebel rouser. I'm

(01:12:41):
the outspoken person.

Speaker 7 (01:12:42):
I say stuff that.

Speaker 10 (01:12:43):
People be thinking you're not talking at Well, yes, so
she would have done this or tell them what you're
telling me? Fuck tell them and they get up sat
with that bell. But like doctor Jeffrey says, you know,
you can't hold on to stuff because that's gonna make
you sick. Really, you know, you just have to You

(01:13:04):
have to tell people how you fail. And that's what
I do. So now that I've told you how I feel,
and I'm looking forward to Christmas and I love talking
to you guys that can have a wonderful weekend. Bath
love you and doctor Jeffrey, you too, Pat, have.

Speaker 2 (01:13:18):
A wonderful weekend in Illinois. Thank you for listening.

Speaker 10 (01:13:21):
You're welcome thready here.

Speaker 2 (01:13:23):
Bye bye, I love Pat.

Speaker 7 (01:13:26):
Hey, Clyde, what that bell?

Speaker 1 (01:13:29):
John?

Speaker 10 (01:13:30):
You Clyde? And have my big sisters doing well?

Speaker 2 (01:13:35):
Tell your sister.

Speaker 4 (01:13:36):
I have to tell your big sister. I had to
whoop your tail. But anyway, that's all right.

Speaker 10 (01:13:42):
Well you know that I want my big sister to
answer this question.

Speaker 2 (01:13:46):
Okay, what's your question?

Speaker 1 (01:13:48):
Now?

Speaker 10 (01:13:48):
That's something I didn't want to know why. Okay, my
dad to day don b he told me, I need
you to take care of your mama because I'm not
gonna be here. So I put my life on home
and to kill my mama until she passed away. But
I don't grieve over there done because I did everything

(01:14:09):
for my mama. They could be done.

Speaker 9 (01:14:11):
And I was glad that my mom passed away because.

Speaker 7 (01:14:14):
She was suffering the last week that that's saw my
mom suffered, and I didn't like that.

Speaker 9 (01:14:19):
And so I don't understand why people be grieving so
hard when they when when the when the loved one died,
because I'm pretty sure they they're not.

Speaker 10 (01:14:30):
They're not grieve they're not.

Speaker 9 (01:14:31):
They're not hurting anymore.

Speaker 10 (01:14:34):
It's going on somewhere where they gonna where.

Speaker 9 (01:14:35):
They can be themself again.

Speaker 10 (01:14:37):
But it's like it's like they don't want them to leave,
and I just don't understand. And so maybe my big
sister can and others can can help me understand because
I here lived there and call in.

Speaker 7 (01:14:48):
I hear that lady that called in earlier that they
folks had gone away, but they still grieving.

Speaker 10 (01:14:54):
Okay, gotta take care.

Speaker 4 (01:14:56):
Of that, you two clients. Wow, doctor Jeffer, is your
little brother Clyde. I didn't tell you had the whoops
tell this week, but that's another day.

Speaker 10 (01:15:07):
Yeah, you have to tell me about it.

Speaker 2 (01:15:09):
I had to tell you about that.

Speaker 4 (01:15:10):
But before we talk about Clyde, I like what Pat
said that they went on with the family.

Speaker 1 (01:15:15):
Absolutely absolutely. I think that a lot of times what
people like I said, people will continue to grieve, uh,
and then people get to the point where they feel
like the longer that they create suffering for themselves, that
they're acknowledging how much they loved their parent or their

(01:15:40):
the law, the you know, their loved one. But in reality,
when one of the things that Clyde said that I
agree with when you have done everything within your power,
within your role and your relationship and your connection with
that person to show them while they are living and

(01:16:02):
breathing on earth, what they meant to you, how much
you loved them, how much you respected them, you know,
even how much you're going to miss them. You know,
when you've done that here, then what you find is
that there is a peace. Doesn't mean that you're not

(01:16:22):
gonna miss them, doesn't mean that the grief is not
gonna hurt, that you're not gonna cry, and that you're
gonna have anniversaries grief. You know, certain holidays, birthdays, you know,
mother's days, father's days, people.

Speaker 10 (01:16:37):
That I love the most in like, I revisit that and.

Speaker 1 (01:16:41):
Sometimes it feels almost like they just had. But when
you've done everything on earth within your power and your
conscious is clear, and you know that they knew how
you felt about them.

Speaker 8 (01:16:55):
You will find some peace.

Speaker 1 (01:16:57):
And that's what you have to do, is you have
to make peace with the pass and because that's a
journey that nobody else can walk with you, and that's
the journey that somebody one of us every few minutes
is going to have to undertake. That in and age
is not necessarily the factor that keeps you from being

(01:17:20):
put on that road. So we have to learn how
to make peace with that. And sometimes it's through prayer,
sometimes it's through religion, sometimes it's through spirituality, but most
of all, try to find that peace while the person
is living. Find the love and let the love that
you share.

Speaker 3 (01:17:40):
Bring you that peace.

Speaker 2 (01:17:42):
Hmm. So Clyde did a good thing?

Speaker 1 (01:17:46):
Did a good thing? All right? It runs in the family.

Speaker 4 (01:17:49):
See, hey, I don't it runs in the family. Hold on,
doctor Jeffrey's going back to her phone lines.

Speaker 7 (01:17:55):
I call her.

Speaker 2 (01:17:58):
Right Hi, you on the air.

Speaker 7 (01:18:01):
Oh, okay, how are you doing?

Speaker 2 (01:18:02):
I'm doing well today? And yourself?

Speaker 7 (01:18:04):
Oh that's great, I'm doing good. I am blessed highly favorite.
And I was called it because I was driving down
the street and I heard this lady called in a
while back. I forgot what her name was when she
was talking about she was the black sheep of the family.

Speaker 2 (01:18:18):
Paula Anne.

Speaker 7 (01:18:18):
Yeah, paul Anne. Well, paul Anne, this is from Maryland
to you. You talking about a black sheep of the family.
My mom and dad married before I was born. I
came up in a two parent home. My mom had
a son that was two years old when she married
my dad and let me see. After a year then

(01:18:44):
I was born, but my dad adopted her son and
brought him in and my mom. I love my mom.
It seemed like my mom loves me. Up until I
got about twelve years old. Looked like my life just
went down here and my mom just really seemed like

(01:19:05):
she didn't care for me. Everything was just going wrong.
I grew up thinking that my mama just really didn't
well knowing after why sheington liked me. It was something
my dad had done to her during that time, which
we know how these men will be. And I was
always a daddy's girl, and I was. I loved my dad,
but I love my mom. But about that time, I

(01:19:27):
don't know, my dad kind of got I guess a
little wretched or something whatever, but whatever it was, my
mom just like she like she started hating my dad.
And because I was my dad's only child that was
in that family, like she hated me. My mom was
so mean to me from like twelve years old all

(01:19:48):
the way up. I was so long somebody used to
cry a lot because I just wanted my mom. And
as I got to be an adult, when I first
got my first job at eighteen, my first chick, and
was buying things from my mom. And my mom like
nice things. So as I grew older, I would always
go places, you know, and buy her really nice things

(01:20:12):
and trying to buy her love, and it just never
really worked. All the love went to my brother, my brother.
My mom was so crazy about my brother, and he
was always the one in the family that was going
to succeed. I was going to be a nobody and
it just went from there own.

Speaker 2 (01:20:31):
And Maryland, did she ever tell you that what that
you were going to be a nobody?

Speaker 7 (01:20:38):
Yes, well, she'd ast me to tell me. She would
talk on the phone with her sister all the time,
she had four sisters, and they would talk about my
dad and she would always say that I was going
to be just like my dad. I wasn't going to
where I was going to be nothing and blah blah
blah and nobody.

Speaker 2 (01:20:53):
And you know, is your young child I got? Is
your parents still living?

Speaker 7 (01:20:59):
My mom my dad passed away about twenty years ago,
and it left me heartbroken because I always felt that
my dad was the only somebody in the family that
ever really loved me, even over my children. But when
my dad passed away, he had cancer, and I was
there and I stayed by my dad to pass away. Well,
my mom is now ninety three, and my mom has

(01:21:20):
even told me personally to my face that she wished
I was I would die. She wished I was dead
back that was back before. That's how bad it was.
So you can realize, you can probably understand how devastated
I was as a child and how devastated and how
I grew into an adult with feelings that I didn't
like my mother at all.

Speaker 2 (01:21:40):
How is your relationship with your mother now? You said
she's not That's what I was.

Speaker 7 (01:21:44):
About to tell Paula Anne. It gives me glory. Now
my mom still don't treat me the best. But that
brother who was the best that she loved, he ended
up on drugs and he went through a really rough time.
But I loved my brother because she was a Vietnam
bet and he come home and he was like that.

(01:22:05):
But I loved my brother. But my brother passed away
from lung cancer about twelve years ago. But when he left,
it's like my mom hated me even more because it's
like she wished it was me instead of him. But
Now my mom is ninety three, and Pauline disres the
minions I want to leave for you, baby, if you listen,
and I hope you are, I get glory. I my

(01:22:28):
mom don't have nobody now to call but me, And
now it's like I'm her favorite person in the world.
She wanted to go to Walmart seven days a week
and she'll call me and I will get up out
of their bed or whatever I'm doing. I'm gonna take
my mother, no matter how she treated me back then.
I was the black sheep of the family and she
showed me that. But you would get glory from yourself,

(01:22:51):
out of yourself and from God. Take care of your mom.
Do the bet. My mom is ninety three, and I
tell you bell and all that I went through.

Speaker 14 (01:23:01):
I just from hanging with her.

Speaker 7 (01:23:02):
Now she's going to Christmas party next Saturday. Put herself
and I'm gonna be right there party and having a
good time. But I get joy out of doing for
my mother because I don't know why she went through
those kinds of things. But she's still my mom. I
love her. I take her when she called I go,
and I used to be like she ain't never liked me.
I'm like, why she called me, and blah blah blah.

Speaker 10 (01:23:24):
Get that out of your head.

Speaker 7 (01:23:25):
Love your mom why she's here, because I'm telling you
something you don't realize. But once she leaves here, it's
gonna come back on you and it's gonna be devastating.
So probably just treat her the best that you can
treat her. Love her regardless, make yourself love.

Speaker 3 (01:23:40):
I love my mom.

Speaker 7 (01:23:41):
I don't say I to treat me back in the day,
but you have. That's the way I feel good. And
that's what I know God would want me to do,
is to treat her well, because the Bible said don't
render evil for evil, and I don't do that. So
I just I'm just there. My mom falls, she tries
to get the function, call me. I'm getting up, I'm
going over there. I'm trying to call somebody else to

(01:24:01):
meet me over there. So love your mom while she's here,
and be grateful. I'm so thankful that I still have
my mom. A lot of people don't have their mom,
and I'm so glad that I still got my mom
and just spending time with her, it just it just
it's just my world. It just makes my day.

Speaker 2 (01:24:16):
Yeah, thank you, Maryland, thank you for sharing. I appreciate that.

Speaker 4 (01:24:20):
Thank you, Thank you guys for the time you welcome.

Speaker 2 (01:24:22):
Bye bye, doctor Jeffries, Marylyn.

Speaker 1 (01:24:28):
Yeah, I think she's made peace with it. You know,
there's something about the pool, the maternal pool, especially when
some children never have it, or they have it for
a while and then they lose it and their attachment
is never ever revisited or never made whole again. Some

(01:24:51):
children will spend their entire adult line trying to get
that pool, that from their mother, and for whatever reason,
the woman is not able, unwilling, or you know, something
has broken it. And it's really sad when you hear
people say I just want I want my mother, I

(01:25:11):
want my mother, and nobody can take that person's place,
nobody can take her place. So when it's when you
are fortunate to have a good relationship with your mom
where you know her and she knew you, and you
knew you were loved and what have you, that's a
very very priceless gift.

Speaker 4 (01:25:33):
All right, hold on, doctor Jefferies will take this break
hold on, callers, We will definitely get to you. Five
three five nine three four two is our number. Eight
hundred and five zero three nine three four two eight
three three five, three five nine three.

Speaker 2 (01:25:51):
Four to two. You're listening to Double You d IA,
the bevejo Says Show whether you're in Arkansas, Tennessee, or

(01:26:14):
Mississippi on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, thank you for listening
to The Bev Johnson Show on w d i A, Memphis,