Learning, Loving & Living with Intention with Dr. Dorothy Jeffries

Learning, Loving, and Living with Intention with Dr. Dorothy Jeffries, Behavioral Relationhship Consultant on The Bev Johnson Show on WDIA Radio.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Memphis probably presents the Beam Johnson Show.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
Let me say.

Speaker 1 (00:09):
Bath first, Let men.

Speaker 3 (00:18):
You say bath.

Speaker 1 (00:21):
She's gone emphistop game. No matter of the problem she
can have.

Speaker 4 (00:32):
So just all the phone and the normans your mind.

Speaker 5 (00:38):
She understand Jim me an in the hair by charming
you to just keep the thing.

Speaker 2 (00:48):
When a wrangle picking up the chopin show.

Speaker 6 (00:53):
Got talking, hay fucking you can hear every day you
d I ain't well be got me a Missppingay.

Speaker 2 (01:48):
Good morning, good morning, good morning, and welcome in to
w d I A The Bev Johnson Show. I'm Bev.
It is indeed a pleasure. I have you with us
one again on this a Friday, Fria, December fifth, twenty
twenty five. Enjoyed this fabulous day to day. It is

(02:12):
relationship Day for our first time listeners. You may be
a first time caller. We talk about relationships to help
make yours healthy, happy, wholesome, wonderful and most of all
loving between consenting adults. Will we have been doing that
for thirty eight years. Yeah, we'll do it with our
expert today. Back to Dorothy Jeffries, our behavioral relationship consultant.

(02:39):
We'll be talking with us today topic of conversation, learning,
loving and living with intention. And as always, if you
have a question or two and it's your turn to
talk nine zero one five, five nine three four to
two eight hundred five zero three nine three four two

(03:03):
eight three three five three five nine three four two
will get you in to us. If you can't call
today you have a question for doctor j email me
Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com. Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia

(03:27):
dot com. And if this day, this, this here day, Friday,
December fifth, twenty twenty five, is your birthday. Happy birthday
to each and every one of y'all out there who
may be celebrating a birthday on this day, Friday, December fifth,

(03:50):
Saturday Day December six, Sunday, Deceiver seven. Happy birthday, y'all.
You know what to do. Go out and celebrate your life.
You better, you better. When we come back, we will
talk with our behavioral relationship consultant, doctor Dorothy Jeffries and

(04:14):
me Bev Johnson on the Bev Johnson Show only on
w d i A. Get ready as we talk to

(04:58):
doctor Dorothy Jeffries. Next right here on w d i A.

Speaker 7 (05:18):
Hi, this is David Porter. And you are listening to
the Queen of talk, Bev Johnson. She is the one
and only. No one can top her, no one can
stop her, and I'm in love with her. You're listening
to Bev Johnson at w d i A.

Speaker 5 (06:06):
Over the time working hard to bring you out day
New Saving.

Speaker 2 (06:23):
Day, Relationship. Good morning, and welcome back to the Heart
and Soul of Memphis w d i A. It's Friday,
December fifth, twenty twenty five, Relationship Day where we talk

(06:46):
about relationships, help make yours healthy, happy, wholesome, wonderful, and
most of our loving between consenting adults. We've been doing
that for thirty eight years with our expert our behavior
relationship consultant, doctor Dorothy Jeffries. Good morning, doctor Jeffries. How

(07:08):
are you?

Speaker 8 (07:10):
I am excellent, absolutely excellent. Man. It's raining, it's cold,
it's all of that, but I'm excellent.

Speaker 2 (07:17):
Well you sound excellent. You sound fabulous. Sister. How was
your Thanksgiving?

Speaker 8 (07:23):
It was very very nice. You know, we had all
the kids here. It was good. Koffe was there, Koffee,
his wife, laun and Megan. Everybody was here.

Speaker 2 (07:40):
Oh good, Oh that's nine one of these days I
got I got to see my koffee. I'm telling you,
he's a grown man now, he's a he's a grown
man now, you know, you know, Doctor Jeffery, I always
think about our little Coche, when little Kofe was in
my weed and the little groom.

Speaker 1 (08:00):
That's the ring bear, the ring bear.

Speaker 2 (08:06):
That's right, that's a long long time ago.

Speaker 8 (08:11):
Yeah, coaching forty three? What can they? Can you believe?
He is forty three?

Speaker 2 (08:16):
Oh he's forty three? Oh my goodness, These young folks
have grown up.

Speaker 8 (08:21):
I'm telling you. I'm telling and you know.

Speaker 2 (08:24):
What, Doc Jeffrey saying that? And I think about my nieces,
the Supremes, they are forty nine, fifty fifty one, and.

Speaker 8 (08:33):
You know, I remember when they were little girls.

Speaker 1 (08:36):
And what have you?

Speaker 8 (08:37):
I heard you?

Speaker 2 (08:38):
I know, I know, I know. Hey, So Doc Jeffrey,
that I mean you and I we we we we seasoned.

Speaker 8 (08:45):
Now that that seems that I was gonna say vintage,
but he's a vantage correct word.

Speaker 2 (08:51):
That's right. All right, sounds good well, Doctor Jeffries, we're
gonna sound I love this topic today, learning loving and
living with intention. I'm gonna say that again, learning, loving
and living with intention? What are we talking about? Doctor
Jeffers Well a backstory on this, Okay.

Speaker 8 (09:15):
I think about this time of year, we're usually talking
about grief and coping with holiday blues and all of that,
and that's very real and it's very significant in people's
lives in one way or the other. You know, we're
touched by things that have happened, people who have transitioned

(09:37):
on losses, people were missing now, or just the sadness
or the feelings of regret about what we wish things
would be or past decision, all of that kind of stuff.
We've become very nostalgic about it.

Speaker 9 (09:53):
And you know, mixed that with miss activities or not
not participating in family outings and what harvy too much
to drink, too much time alone, and we can work
ourselves into totally blue funks.

Speaker 8 (10:12):
But what I'm proposing is that at some points we
have to become more responsible and accountable for the quality
of our lives. See people out on our behaviors and
reactions and responses to situation, places and things, and so

(10:33):
it happens. It happens in intimate relationships, it happens in
social relationships, it happens in work relationships, church relationships, and
even parent and child. But when people can program how
you are going to respond to any X, y or
Z behavior, word, interactions, whatever, they control you, it's exactly

(11:02):
what happens now. What has been forever around the holidays,
we now do the express from school, school back, going
back by in school clothes and what have you for
August in September and boom, it's not octobera yet, but
October things are out Why because the end of the

(11:23):
month is going to be Halloween, and so they put
it out there and people start doing, and then we
move beyond before Halloween is over, where you've got turkeys
out and we're headed for Thanksgiving, and before Thanksgiving is over,
people have Christmas decorations and things up, so you're really

(11:43):
on a roller coaster ride. And commercialism is just kind
of programming you to start thinking about how much when
you're going to spend or I don't have enough, or
I gotta do this, and all of that kind of stuff.
And we're not actually consciously and control of our emotions
because we've become depressed. We become stressed, we've become frustrated.

(12:07):
We're not in control of our finances because we are
trying to compensate or unresolved issues around feeling unworthy, having lessing, deprivation, disparity,
so we overspend with what we don't have, or we've
become so upset that we sabotage, you know, activities and

(12:30):
what have you, because we're not with people we want
to be with, or we can't be with people we
want to be with, or we can't afford this, or
we don't want to can't give this. So again, outside things,
outside systems are manipulating us and our behaviors until we
get to the point we're like program we start thinking

(12:53):
about using that credit card that's supposed to port emergencies.
You already have limited retuns and what have you. But
because this person or this relative is doing all of
these things for their family, their children, their homes and
what have you, why can't I do it too? And

(13:14):
we then run ourselves into a forthcoming problem because in
some point you've got to pay for it, And if
you were struggling before you added that end, this is
adding insult to entry that is self initiated, and you
know that doesn't make any sense, right, But we don't consciously,

(13:34):
we don't consciously make ourselves accountable and responsible for having boundaries,
boundaries around people, around places, around things, and around our
personal or individual behavior. And the thing that the thing
that makes it so uncomfortable is that if we think

(13:56):
about it, if we consciously think about it, but we
don't like to visits bad health, We don't we want
don't want to entertain them, we don't want to dissect them,
and we certainly can't share them with somebody else. So
that's exactly what we do. We then pay attention to
our feelings. And when we think about it, emotions, emotions

(14:20):
are bad things. They're just emotions. They spell out or
their color, or they inform us or how we're thinking,
how we're feeling about things, our concept, that of our
interact actions with other people, our self, work, and our value.
So once we allow our emotions to run amok, then

(14:43):
we are no longer into charge of anything. And when
you are free floating out there and you're you're not accountable,
you're not connected, you're not response, but anything can happen
to you. And so what happens We become overwhelmed with depression, sadness,
with physical complaints, with isolations, with bitchiness, you know, with

(15:07):
overspending with over sexuality, all of those, you know, things
that are too much to individually manage, and then when
the train wreck finally occurs, with their feeling again overwhelmed
because somebody has to clean.

Speaker 1 (15:25):
Up the mist.

Speaker 8 (15:26):
So what I'm proposing is let's try something different this year.

Speaker 2 (15:32):
So that's good. So what about before I asked that question,
Doctor Jeffers, I love that because in the past, you know,
and this time and we talk about you know, it's
the holiday blues, we get into a funk, you know,
all kinds of things going on. What happens when you

(15:55):
get somebody, doctor Jeffries, who doesn't want to change, who
doesn't want to do that, who says they're not gonna
be with me, They're not going to do this. I'm
not you know you you have those negative kind of folk.

Speaker 10 (16:09):
Who do exactly right.

Speaker 2 (16:12):
But so how do you deal with them?

Speaker 8 (16:15):
We're talking about this is this is what we're talking about.
The learning part comes is that when you learn that
emotions are not the enemy. Emotions are just reflections of
what we're thinking and feeling. What the enemy is is
not using insight, intuition, knowledge, and acknowledgement of how you feel.

(16:42):
What the situation is, and in answer to your question,
what's your role in it? You know, what's your role
in isolating? If you don't go out, if you don't
talk to people, if you, you know, are sour and
angry and unapproachable, well you're probably not going to have
a lot of people or invitations to people, places and

(17:04):
things where you might, you know, laugh a bit or
enjoy yourself. People are not typically going to seek you
out because you know you're a barrel of laugh so
they're when you're complaining. And at some point people will
stop asking you or introducing you to people or talking
to you about why you're alone or why you're so
isolated because they already know what you're going to say.

(17:27):
I don't want nobody, I don't need nobody. You know
all of that. And so what you've decided is, I'm
going to play the role of martyr. I'm going to
play the role that you know I am intentionally isolating myself.
I'm intentionally alone, I'm intentionally miserable. But you do not

(17:51):
want to acknowledge that that's what you're doing. So it
becomes these things always happen to me. We know, we
know that anniversary dates of good memory, bad memories, death, losses,
all those kinds of things. We know that they're going
to come around. If you're still as long as you're living,

(18:15):
you will know and remember painful anniversary dates, nostalgic anniversary dates,
dates are bad decisions, lost loves, all of that.

Speaker 1 (18:27):
We know that.

Speaker 8 (18:28):
But does it mean that we have to blow up
our whole whole mindset? Do we have to start planning
in September that in November and December we're going to
just be, you know, so depressed we can barely function right?
Wants that? Not anybody who loved you wants you to

(18:51):
do that. And and this is really the thing that
people don't want to hear. That's not an act of love.
That is not an ad of memorial to that person.
That's not an act of you know how deep your
emotions are or how much you're grieving what That is

(19:11):
an act of a refusal to go on living in
the spirit of being the person that that person loves.
You're not paying attribute to that person to do that.
Nobody who cares about you wants you to be a
mantyr and to waste your life. Their time has moved on.

(19:36):
And if you spend that time. At some point, nobody
even pays any attention to that with you anymore. So
you're just in your own sorrow and so and answer
your question. You don't ask them anymore. You don't even
mention it to them anymore. You know what they're going
to say, okay, But what you can say okay? You know,

(19:58):
if you're really feeling like to somebody that you really
care about and you want to you know something, I've
asked you there for ten years and you've told me
the same thing. Have you ever asked yourself why this
is a good thing for you? While you're choosing to
do that, I'm not choosing to do that. I can't
help how you feel. Yeah, you can help how you feel,

(20:19):
but just think about it. Why are you choosing to
do that? Just play that part in your head. You
can get mad with me, but after you finish getting
mad with me, think about and be honest with yourself.
Why are you choosing to do that? Because nobody's showing
up to your house and saying, okay, this is the
time for you to put it on your bitch suits,
turn all the lights out, close the windows, you know,

(20:39):
go into the dark, and then become a martyr for
the next sixty days. Nobody does that, but you choose
to do it. And then what does it mean? What
are you getting out of us? What are you getting
out of that? And when you ask me for those
kind of questions. Okay, it does took them off, but
that's okay, that's what you wanted to do, because it

(21:00):
is if their truth is the truth, they won't get
kicked out. If what you're saying is the truth, they're
gonna be mad as hell. And then but they're gonna
think about it. They're not gonna be able to drop it.
After they say you don't know me and all that
kind of stuff. It will ride with them. It will
lie with them until they acknowledge you know, why did

(21:21):
she say that? Or what does that mean? And think
about it if they want to consider it.

Speaker 2 (21:29):
But if not, then you.

Speaker 8 (21:31):
Some people you gotta leave behind them, right.

Speaker 2 (21:33):
I was gonna say that because if if some people
continue don't want to participate, don't want to.

Speaker 1 (21:38):
Do this, that.

Speaker 2 (21:41):
You can't You can't waste your time and like on
that mm hmmm mm hmm.

Speaker 8 (21:47):
Okay, you know the thing about it, give them what
they want. I think that if you decide to do it,
you can do the prepunctory thing. I know you're gonna
say no, but I was thinking about you, and I
just wanted to let you know we're doing such and
such a thing. You're welcome if you want to come by,
we'd love to see you. But if you're not, okay, good, okay, see,

(22:10):
because then you're not entertaining it. Right mm hm, you're
not entertaining it. And that's what people people what people
have to learn. Two things. I think if you're going
to do that, spend enough time journaling all aspects of

(22:32):
the questions. Why am I so determined not to accept
this law? Why am I so determined to hold on
to this anger? I'm not angry, I'm hurting. Yes, you

(22:52):
are angry at somebody or something.

Speaker 2 (22:56):
Oh you're bitter, You're bitter about something. Huh.

Speaker 8 (22:59):
If you're you're bitter about something or bitter about someone.
And usually for a lot of people, the people that
they're most bitter with is God. As they they are
unwilling to acknowledge that that's who they're angry with, you know,

(23:19):
because they'll give you the platitudes of this God's way.
You know, he was just he was just doing what
he wanted to do, and I've got to learn how
they accept it. But their behavior is totally contradictory, and
you can look at all aspects of their lives where

(23:42):
they will refuse to experience any other emotion other than coldness, bitterness, anger,
because to feel anything else makes them feel guilty, like, oh,
why am I feeling happy? Why am I feel in love?
Or why am I experiencing joy when I have lost X,

(24:04):
Y and Z. And this doesn't have to be I mean,
people hold on to bitterness and stuff for all kinds
of reasons. I say to people all the time. You
have to be careful with bitterness because you can hold
on to bitterness until it becomes sweet in your mouth,
and when it becomes sweet, you'll never let it go.

(24:28):
That means you're comfortable with it, You own it, you
claim it, and that's where you're going to stay. And
you've seen some people who you know, take pride in
the fact that they've been angry at the world for
thirty years, but they also been isolated people avoid them
and what have you, and having them allow themselves to
experience any joy. But under all of that, there's some guilt,

(24:50):
there's some shame, there's some regrets that if you cannot
acknowledge that, if you're not willing to acknowledge that, you
force yourself to stay in an emotional hell. Because to
give that up, to give up the hell, means you

(25:11):
have to live in truth. And if you're living in truth,
you're gonna live in light. And when you live in
truth and light, you have to be naked enough to
see exactly what you did, what you didn't do, what
you wish you had done, or what you're sorry about,
or who you're angry about. You're not the first person

(25:31):
to get upset and angry with God. You know God
can take it right. But if you're going to be
angry with God, and if you're gonna want to scream
and holler I hate and you did me, well you
can do that. You can withstand that you're the one
who's killing yourself, hiding it and saying platitudes about still

(25:53):
going to church, still doing that. Your heart's not in
it and you are testifying life. So you have to
be willing to stand in truth. When people pass on,
or when you lose something that you feel you were deserving,
all when people stop loving you, or people hurt you

(26:16):
that you thought should love you or should have been
there for you. That people are human, but it's your
emotions that you can only contain and control. And yes,
people will hurt you. Humans will hurt other humans every
single day. But when you have to decide, are you
going to pay penance to them hurting you by then

(26:39):
taking the job on yourself and you continuing to hurt yourself.
That's not a testimony that you were right or that
you're righteous, or that you're holier than them or better
than them. That just means you are holding on to
bitterness because that's the only emotion bitterness and anger will

(27:00):
feel that feeling that makes you feel justified. Truth will
free you. It will scare you, it will break you down,
It will make you cry, and it will make you
physically hurt, letting all those toxins out. But at the
end of that cry, of that breaking down, you will

(27:20):
have a breakthrough. And the breakthrough is what we're all seeking.
When we come to those mountains. You're either going to
have a breakup about it because you are bigger and
arguing or fighting with yourself or somebody else, or you're
going to be courageous enough to go intentionally towards a breakthrough.

(27:44):
And it takes courage to go through that. But it's
like Fanny used to say, when you get sick and
tired of feeling sick and tired or angry and ten
stopping all by yourself. The breakthrough is the light that
you want to follow. And once you have that break through,
then then you can have that life that you're in
because you're pretty, you're not carrying all those toxes and

(28:07):
taxes are what poison. So it's like getting up every
morning taking a shot of arson and saying, okay, I'm living.
At some point it will kill you one way or
the other. This sounds very graphic, but I want people
to understand the grieving is not a testament to how

(28:30):
you loved and lived and cared for or showed up
for anybody. It's not.

Speaker 2 (28:37):
But doctor Jeffery people. But some people seems like they
just grieve for a lifetime.

Speaker 8 (28:45):
And some people choose that. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (28:48):
So then so that's a choice, right, Oh, that's all.

Speaker 8 (28:57):
You can do.

Speaker 2 (28:58):
Yeah, when you gave.

Speaker 8 (29:00):
All that you could give and the party in there,
there may have been things and a lot of parents
will go through this, and a lot of people in relationships,
you know, couples will go through what I wish I
could have done, or asking themselves. But see to ask yourself,

(29:23):
what did not do? What might I have done? And
because we're human, there could be a laundred list of things.

Speaker 5 (29:31):
I know.

Speaker 8 (29:31):
With parents, they are a laundred list of things that
you wish you could have done or maybe you should
have done had you known better. If everybody knew when
our time was up or when our loved ones time
was up, we probably would rush to try to do better.
But the reality of it is none of us know

(29:52):
what it is. So the message from that is you're
supposed to live the best life as the best person
you can be with where you are and what you have.
When you know better, then you are prepared to do better.
No parent is ever one hundred percent an age student.

(30:12):
And parents and especially new parents, okay, you've never done
that before. Even if you parented other people's children, those
are not your children, and it's a whole different dynamic.
But regardless of what happened in the relationship with the
person or the thing that you're missing, take that as

(30:33):
an opportunity to acknowledge what you did that was right
and good and pure, look at what some of the
shortcomings that you might have had, so that in another
relationship and another opportunity to love somebody, be a friend
to somebody, be a parent to somebody, you have the

(30:56):
tool to add to what you've already learned from that
past experience to be a better person. That's what we're
here for. That's where the intentionality comes in. We should
intentionally try to grow and stretch and build on the
gifts that we were given when we came into this world.

(31:17):
And it's going to be trial and error. Nobody's perfect.
Nobody's going to ever make all one hundreds without something
that you missed or that you wish you had. No
but what you can't do as you've become aware. And
this is what's scared the world when black people started
using the concept of being conscious and woke, and we

(31:39):
just took off the eighth and just said we woke,
and it terrified people because to say I'm consciously awakened
means I see, and what I see I understand, and
what I don't understand. I now know how to access
the tools needed to research it so that I can understand.

(32:01):
So what am I doing. I'm becoming informed, I'm becoming
more aware, and I'm building my knowledge base. And all
I'm suggesting to you today is building your awareness, your
knowledge base, and creating a positive intentional behavioral code for

(32:22):
yourself so that you can live beginning with a better
life for you, but moving towards your best life.

Speaker 2 (32:30):
M I like that. All right, sister, We're gonna pause
for the cause, Doctor Jefferson. You know what Doctor Jeffers
is so evan said, says doctor Jeffers preaching today. That's
good you preaching, sister. I love it. I love it.

(32:54):
We are talking this day, learning, loving, and living with
tension with doctor Dorothy Jeffries, our behavioral and relationship consultant.
If you have a question or two four doctor Jeffries
this day, we do invite you to call nine zero

(33:17):
one five three five nine the three four two eight
hundred five zero three nine three four two eight three
three five three five nine the three four two can
call email me your question. Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com.

(33:38):
Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com. Any relationship question, something's
going on with you? You need a little help. Hey, doctor
j is here for us this day on the BEV
Johnson Show only on double D. I A.

Speaker 11 (34:12):
Wishing you and yours Merry Christmas and happy Holidays from
the BEV Johnson Show and w D I A.

Speaker 1 (34:31):
N U d A Survey.

Speaker 5 (34:34):
You mean I'm telling you to everyone, Come bath.

Speaker 2 (34:45):
Be come talking.

Speaker 12 (34:46):
No everyone, and welcome back to w D.

Speaker 2 (35:00):
Hey, we're talking this relationship day. Our topic learning a
loving and living with intention. We're talking with our behavioral
relationship consultant, doctor Dorothy Jeffries. Doctor Jeffries, I'm going to
our phone lines to talk with Rob Hi.

Speaker 8 (35:16):
Rob.

Speaker 13 (35:17):
Hey, Bill, how are you and Kungktobe doing her?

Speaker 2 (35:19):
Dr Jeffery, I'm sorry, that's all right. We're doing well.

Speaker 8 (35:23):
Outside.

Speaker 13 (35:24):
Ralph was doing something at the same time, and hey,
doctor Jeffers, do you believe it it's such thing as
you can greet yourself to death? M you know you
hear that a lot?

Speaker 2 (35:35):
Yeah, you know, okay?

Speaker 1 (35:38):
Is that the question?

Speaker 13 (35:38):
I was just actually, does she think that's possible?

Speaker 2 (35:42):
Believe that you can grieve yourself?

Speaker 13 (35:44):
Just because I had an aunt? You know, they had
been married for sixty nine years and after he died
about four months lady she died, but it was nothing
actually wrong with her. And that's really we were just saying.
We just thought she'd greed herself to death because seven
almost seventy years marriage and you send in the country,
back in the back kind of so you're just down
there by yourself. And I've heard that term and that

(36:07):
after that, I actually started believed that could be true. Now,
unrespected death is is. I could understand if you got
somebody who's been sick of laying up in bed, bedroom
for you, that's you know, that's not unexpected death. But
when you lose a child or something over, you know,
just respected. That's hard. Because I listened to John a
lot sometime when he calls in. He said, he's still

(36:30):
grieving his mother, and I think this.

Speaker 2 (36:31):
Little dad, dad, yeah, a little daddy.

Speaker 13 (36:35):
Yeah right, you're still a grieving now. I don't think
that is that would that be considered normal?

Speaker 2 (36:41):
Okay, okay?

Speaker 13 (36:42):
And I was just just curious about what she thought
about that, you know, John, or causely he grieving uh child,
and then everybody, you know, after so long, you know, dad, yeah,
it's time, little dad, it's time to give it up.
A little daddy, I mean, you know, think about her,
just think of the memories of quit grieving over. But
I was just wondering was that normal?

Speaker 2 (37:03):
Okay? I ask doctor Jeffries, thank you, Rob, Okay, thanks,
bye bye. So doctor Jeffries, Rob wanted to know. He says,
do you believe that people can grieve yourself to death?
And he asked that question because he said he had
an aunt who was married for sixty nine years and

(37:24):
her husband died and after that he I think he
said a month later or two months anyway, she died
and she wasn't seeing anything, and they just believe that
she just grieved herself to death. And he says, is
that normal?

Speaker 8 (37:41):
Well, you know, I hate to use words about normality
when you talk about people, because just when you say
this is normal, you'll find somebody else will do something
that'll kind of throw it out. But there have been
instances where people, by all indications, have chosen death because

(38:04):
they no longer want to live because of the loved
one passing. In many cases, it happened with couples who
have been together for very long terms. You know, you
find that after one of them passes, the other couple
doesn't the other person doesn't live very long, and it

(38:25):
just depends, I think, on how bonded they were. People
can live fifty sixty years together and they become almost
one person. And what we have found is that people
can will themselves to die. When you lose the will
to live, you lose interest in doing any of the

(38:49):
things that are essential to living. Feeding yourself, you know,
drinking water, taking medication, go one to the doctor. And
if you are isolated, it will probably happen a lot
quicker than you know if you have people who are
around you trying to monitoring you yourself. But nobody can

(39:12):
make you want to live. Uh, if you have given
up because you no longer want to be here and
for whatever the reason, be it the loss of the person,
being afraid to be alone, just being tired. You just
never know. But I've heard many instances what that's attributed to. Cosmetically,

(39:34):
and on the death certificate, they'll put something else on there.
If you're very agent, they'll put whether it's it normal,
normal passage, or something to that effect, like there is
no known medical indication. Yes, yes, I do believe that.

Speaker 2 (39:53):
Yeah, I think.

Speaker 8 (39:56):
Natural causes right.

Speaker 2 (39:57):
Yeah, so you think you do think that people can
grieve themselves to death.

Speaker 8 (40:04):
I think people can will themselves to die. Grief takes
on many forms, you know. So if I'm grieving because
I'm sad that my partner is deceased, I may be grieving.
Also the fact is that now I'm alone. I'm afraid

(40:27):
to be alone. You know, I don't have children around me,
maybe maybe we don't have friends, or maybe I don't
want to be around anybody else. But you're him or her.
So it may not be exactly because directly that person died.
It may have to do with me too, and only

(40:49):
I can say, yes, he's dead, I'm sorry he's dead.
But I'm scared to be here by myself. I'm used
to being with him. I don't want to be here
by myself. That's a different ring, if you will, so,
I'm choosing to give up my life because I'm scared
of it. On the other hand, I love this person

(41:09):
so much. If that person is not here, then I
don't want to be here either. But how are you
going to die? You have to choose not to do
the things that give you or sustain your life. Okay, okay,
because nobody knows what's going on in your head right,
you know, and very few people will say.

Speaker 2 (41:30):
That I'm getting your emails doctor Jeffries And Okay, Sister
D said to ask you this, said, do people ever
move on? Because I have some family members you would
think you're talking about them. Mama left here in twenty fifteen,
and they can't move on. They're still doing the same

(41:52):
crazy stuff.

Speaker 8 (41:55):
When you talk about crazy stuff, is it crazy stuff
in terms of honoring mama or what mama? You know,
keeping Mama's house exactly like she left it, or still
telling you what you better not do because Mama said,
we didn't do that kind of stuff. Usually usually, again,

(42:16):
there the relationship, if you look at the relationship between
that person and the mother, were the dynamics a lot
of times guilt, guilt and the fear or the acknowledgement
that I didn't do my part, especially if there were
demands there. See it when people when people pulled the

(42:40):
grief card, it's never completely pure. And then with parents,
if parents survive a child, then there's always to say,
could I have done more? If my child became sick?
Could I have done more? Or taking my child to

(43:02):
the doctor, or was I not attentive enough? What did
I not supervise if it's a small child, or how
could you know even if they develop cancer or something
like that. Parents can wrap their heads into so many
different scenarios where they feel that they're being punished, that
their child is being taken away, and so they find

(43:24):
something bad or something missing, or something neglectful that they
may or may not have done. And truthfully, there are
parents out there who have not done enough or who
didn't try. But most of the time we just have
to find something to handle to at least temporarily manage
the pain of losing a child. And there's nothing there's

(43:49):
nothing more painful than losing a child. And if you
are lose a child that you know your only child,
you know one that you were close to, and you
know you've done everything for you still are going to
experience some enormous phase of grief. But at some point

(44:13):
you begin to put it in perspective, because the truth
lies within our hearts. When you know you did all
you could do, you prayed all you could do, you
were there, you did, you provided all of the care
and consistency and what have you. And then when it

(44:34):
got to a point where it was no longer just
in anybody's hands. Here you have to be able to
release that. People who have some type of spiritual connection,
some type of belief in something can take comfort and

(44:55):
trying to associate that with a higher power or you know,
praying for the support and the strength or the will
to get through it. People who do not have that,
data shows that they have a much more difficult time
because death, human death, the loss of a child or

(45:16):
a loved one or what have you is you know,
people taking too soon or you know, all those things
accidentally suicide. When somebody commits suicide, parents are left total
or surviving spousands. Because when somebody support commit suicide, and
this is somebody who you loved and you got loved you,

(45:38):
why would they do that to you? And they are
doing it to you, especially if you're the one who
has to find the body or if your child finds
the body, then you never lose that site. So you
have a mixture of feelings and mixed emotions that you
have to process, and a lot of times people are
ain't yet they're upset that the person is gone, but

(46:00):
they're mad as hell. Why would you do that? Why
did you work through it? So human emotions have to
be managed. And again, as I say, most people create
a private hell for themselves as a punishment or some
kind of atonement because they didn't think that they were

(46:20):
able to tick every box that they should have been
able to tick to say I was a good daughter,
I was a good son, I was a good parent,
I was a good spouse. You know we're not, so
we have to And it's always good to talk to somebody,
a professional person that you can talk to to explore

(46:41):
those things so that you can get your emotional balance back.
And at the end of the day, if you love
that person, if you love Mama, Mama wants the best
for her children. She would not want you to still be,
you know, carry yourself as a many, but she's gone on.

(47:01):
She wants you to live your life.

Speaker 2 (47:04):
Right. Sounds good. We'll break, doctor Jeffries. I'm getting some
phone calls. I have some emails for you, sister. I'm
working you to dunk and you are working too, Okay,
were working today's sister, were working? Were working? Hold on,
doctor Jeffries. All right, callers, you can call in nine

(47:25):
zero one five three five nine three four two eight
hundred and five zero three nine three four two eight three,
three five, three five nine the three four two. You
have a question something to say to doctor Jeffries. I
love the emailers. Thank you for emailing me. I'll get them.

(47:46):
Email me at Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com. Bev
Johnson that's that little i Ieartmedia dot Com, and I'll
get your question to doctor Jeffries. We're getting ready to
go to the other side of the Bev Johnson Show
right here on dou W d i A.

Speaker 3 (48:17):
Whether you're in Arkansas, Tennessee, or Mississippi on Facebook, Twitter,
or Instagram. Thank you for listening to the Bev Johnson
Show on dou w d i A.

Speaker 14 (48:27):
Memphis Justin Show, bel Jomps, Memphis Talkie and all Away,
Help you Go, You Go Son't get ready.

Speaker 2 (48:52):
Show jo beIN.

Speaker 6 (48:57):
We make you.

Speaker 1 (49:00):
My heim.

Speaker 2 (49:04):
She listen to one today and know it Time to
fish the Mountain Show.

Speaker 8 (49:14):
Let's go.

Speaker 2 (49:15):
We are rocking and rolling on this Friday, December fifth,
twenty twenty five. Enjoy this fabulous day to day. We're
gonna get back to doctor Jeffries and our callers. Well,
let me tell your lunchtime in the city. You know
what I'm going to say I'm talking about the Rock
and Chair of Niphis. You need to get on over there.

(49:35):
Fifteen forty two Elvis Presley, the Rock and Chair of Memphis,
where we rock with the best soul food in town,
best entertainment around. You can dine in or take out.
You can give them a call too, they'll have your
meal waiting for you. Nine zero one four two five
five two six four nine zero one four two five

(49:59):
five two four will get you in at the Rock
and Cheer of Memphis. They're open Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,
Saturday and Sunday, serving catfish and buffalo fish, Friday baked chicken,
smoked or fried the pork, chopped pork, pot roast, smoked turkey, necks,
hamburg steaks, miss Anne's famous chitlings, and an assortment of

(50:21):
desserts and vegetables. So head on over to the Rocking
Chair of Memphis over there in South Memphis. Yeah, fifteen
forty two Elvis Presley, And don't forget it's Friday where
we rock with the best entertainment in town. On Friday's evenings,
it's karaoke with the band. What you think you can sing?

Speaker 6 (50:41):
Well?

Speaker 2 (50:41):
Can you sing with the band. Well, it's karaoke with
the band Friday this evening at the Rocking Chair of Memphis.
Doors will open up at six o'clock. So, got some
folks in town, or you just want to do something different,
head on over to the Rocking Cheer of Memphis. Fifteen
forty two, Elvis press Sleep karaoke tonight, y'all with a band?

Speaker 8 (51:03):
What what?

Speaker 2 (51:05):
So when you go to the Rocking Chair of Memphis,
you know what to say? Tell them. Bev Johnson sent
you to the Rocking Chair of Memphis, fifteen forty two,
Elvis Pressley. I'm going to our phone lines to talk

(51:26):
with you. Hey Joe, Willy, Hey beb john How you doing? Brother?

Speaker 1 (51:36):
I want to thank you for having that lady about
the day?

Speaker 2 (51:43):
Laurie, was it Laurie Laurie Swanigan. Yeah, that's Laurie Laurie.

Speaker 1 (51:51):
Diad. I got straightened out.

Speaker 2 (51:53):
Good good Joe, Willie, I'm glad you did.

Speaker 1 (51:56):
You know he ain't got but two more days?

Speaker 2 (51:59):
That's right, you're right. Remind him Joe December seventh, that
Sunday at midnight is over the annually enrollment period.

Speaker 1 (52:08):
Yeah, it made me feel good. You don't never know
you're gonna get sick.

Speaker 2 (52:14):
Where you right about that?

Speaker 1 (52:15):
Joe Willie and the thing about it, they always said
good hell when needed they need and don't have.

Speaker 2 (52:24):
Yeah, that's right, Joe Willie and Bell.

Speaker 1 (52:28):
Yes, sir, going back to doctor lady. Ye see Bell,
let me tell you something. People jump in the bed
to quit, are you right? I agree with that, and
I read I said that call. You know you can

(52:50):
avoid something if you just take your time. M hm.
See we want to get into bed quick and uh
find out I went to person. You went to bed
in the in the bed where the mentally ill. He
don't kind of sick. Yeah, they be, they be sick.
They put on a good a good presentation to see

(53:13):
when you stay around, just you just wait a little while,
just ten, don't get don't get in the bed. Because
see that's why a lot of men kill women and
women killed men. Because see you you didn't know, you
didn't really know that person. Because I tell you something. See,

(53:34):
you got a lot of young men around here wanting
where they have like their mama, and their mama will
run them. Because when he was a little baby, he
had a bow, moves stuff on his clf. She rubbed
the money a little, but too long with all that
baby or talking about you, my baby, and talking all
else sweet talking of you. And as he grew up

(53:55):
he he wanted to be more like his mama being
being a man, you know that way. He said women
can't raised. Then now some people said he can. It
depends on it she you know, don't go to their streams.
Rub the morning, little budd when he was a little

(54:15):
baby with baby order and stuff all the time. See
you you making him, you making him be what you know,
and he gets used to it and start liking and
so you you you gotta be real camp out here
who you didn't because everybody ain't brought up the same way.
And and a lot of these guys they had no

(54:36):
daddy to be a little tough on them, and any
little thing they want to go get a gun to
get the filling her. They get to filling her quick,
bill You I mean really they they different, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm trying to get there if I can get you
to understand what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (54:54):
I understand exactly what you're saying.

Speaker 1 (54:57):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to know no, no taking no,
uh you know, resistance or of being denied certain things.
They caught you. Mama got him like this. See the
daddy tell me you got to work for it. Yes, Mama,
they get to him and it's a difference. So he

(55:19):
get out here and rob but he thinks he thinks
he he do that. You know, he's a king. You
know he's supposed to You're supposed to get with it.
But I'm not getting it that you got to earn it.
Get out here and work like we did get We
used give up two o'clock in the morning cut wood
for we so we went to school. You got that right,

(55:40):
you got into there. I got you.

Speaker 2 (55:41):
Joe Willie, you know what my daddy used to say.
My daddy used to say, Joe Willey, you.

Speaker 1 (55:46):
Work you right, that's exactly right, exact right, Okay, all.

Speaker 2 (55:54):
Right, thank you Joe Willey.

Speaker 1 (55:56):
I love it.

Speaker 2 (55:58):
Doctor Jeffers. I'm laughing at Joe Willie. Okay. One of
the things that Joe Willie said, Doctor Jeffries, he wanted
to know. He says that that that we jump into
bed too quick with folks, and and he said that
people can give you a good presentation, but they could
be mentally ill. Have a lot of problems. We don't

(56:21):
know how to wait. We don't know how to wait
to get to know folks, to see who they are.
He says what he says, What did doctor Jeffery think
about that?

Speaker 8 (56:31):
Well, you know, I have I have said consistently that
we always point to the other people that you know
that jump into the bed with us, as opposed to
saying we say that that's the person with the problem.
They jump into bed with anybody, but they're jumping into
bed with you. Now, which one of you has the

(56:52):
lowest self esteem? The one the person who invites an
array of different people looking for love, or the person
who jumps in the bed looking for love. Both are
looking for love, and love is not in that bed
at all. Because it is true, you need to spend
time so that you have some awareness, some knowledge, uh,

(57:16):
some experience of spending physical time with that. With that individuals,
can they think?

Speaker 10 (57:23):
Can they talk?

Speaker 1 (57:24):
Do they have.

Speaker 8 (57:27):
A conversation that's interesting? Do they do they have a
strange conversation? You know? Do you get into it to
feel and something might be wrong with them? You have
to spend time with people before you can check those boxes. Okay,
you're right, we don't like to check boxes.

Speaker 2 (57:45):
Okay, another thing, doctor Jeffery's that Joe Willie said. He said,
mama's are messing up these their sons.

Speaker 10 (57:55):
And how is that?

Speaker 2 (57:56):
He said how? He said a lot of times, he said,
when when the when the when the son's a little
and the mama's giving them baby or rubbing their bottoms
with baby or this my son is something. And they
grow up, you know, they want to be more like
their mama than being a male. That's what what I'm
getting from that.

Speaker 8 (58:16):
And and that's ridiculous.

Speaker 2 (58:17):
And and then he said, because a lot of times,
wait a minute, and then he said a lot of
times these young men they don't have fathers in their lives,
so they don't know how to be a man.

Speaker 8 (58:30):
Okay, So who's messing up the child? The woman who
seeks the man and then is up pregnant or the
man who leaves his seeds that turns into his son
and never shows up. Which one of them is more responsible?

Speaker 2 (58:49):
Mm? Good question? Love it something to think about? Think
about it, Joe will Yeah.

Speaker 8 (58:57):
And what I say to people is you have to
you know, after a certain age, teenagers get excited about
elicit sex because they're not supposed to be having sex anyway,
they're too young. Their parents are telling they they're too
young for the responsibility, because those parents know that they

(59:18):
end up bearing.

Speaker 10 (59:19):
The brunt of the responsibility.

Speaker 8 (59:21):
When you have a teenager, that's a parent. You become
a parent to a grandparent to there, that's your responsibility
because you're still responsible for your child. But what the
message ought to be with that is that you have
to have an attachment to who you lie down with.

(59:42):
If don't sleep with somebody that you can't see yourself
marrin if you accidentally make a baby out of a
mistake or an accident or whatever. But that's what you
need to have in line, because every person you sleep
with there's a potential. There's that that you could either
become impregnated by them or you could impregnate somebody. So

(01:00:06):
if you're not ready to be a parent, find an
alternative method of dealing with your sexualquality and stuff. Until
you're ready to be parents, you know where you're going
to be responsible. If you're going to have sex, be
a respect responsible person who takes care and uses contraceptive

(01:00:30):
first for self and then for the other person. I
don't care what they tell you.

Speaker 2 (01:00:35):
So that's that's a part of living with intention, isn't it.

Speaker 10 (01:00:39):
That is right?

Speaker 8 (01:00:40):
You don't want any unplanned children, no children, you know
now you're not You're not left at the world of
how fertility and what have. You can control and plan
for the number of children, so that you what you're
planning for is not just the number of children, but
what you can financially care for in a way that

(01:01:04):
they feel love, cared for and have all the opportunities
that they are deserving of available and afforded by you.
But you know, you twenty five and you got five children.
You cannot afford to give those children what they deserve.
You have to do it, and you're going to get

(01:01:25):
assistance to do some of it. But what you are
doing is limiting the availability of a serious partner coming along,
you know, who may not have any children. But then
if he comes along or she comes along and she's
already got four or five children in twenty five, and
you've been out there ripping and running and you got

(01:01:48):
four or five children. That's eight or nine children, right,
and neither one of y'all are making six figures. And
that's what we're talking about now. We're doing that.

Speaker 2 (01:01:59):
Right, So think with that learning, Yes, learning that's right.

Speaker 8 (01:02:06):
Learning, learning to plan with intention, moving in the direction
of attaining or obtaining a goal. Yes, living purposefully right.

Speaker 2 (01:02:20):
I love that. I love that, Doctor Jeffries from going
to my email. Wait a minute, Tracy, and Tracy says,
doctor Jefferies, Doctor Jeffries, I can't call in, but I'm
listening at work, she says. But I used to be
bitter and angry. Still have a little anger. I was

(01:02:40):
mad at God and everyone else. But I realized I
played a part in my issues. It took me years
to come out of depression. I felt my depression was
me looking and wanting things to be a certain way,
staying with a man that would cheat on me. But
I continue to stay thinks it would change. I began

(01:03:02):
to accept things for what it was and moved accordingly.
I began to look at myself accept my part. I'm
getting better, but still know I have more to change.
I feel like my childhood being in foster care also
played a part. Am I doing the right thing. I'm

(01:03:25):
enjoying the show, Tracy.

Speaker 8 (01:03:28):
Tracy, you are listening and learning from the show. Thank
you very much. But absolutely foster Care and I've worked
with kids who are in foster care. Foster care creates
almost a self fulfilling prophecy for children who come into
care leaving environments where they didn't feel safe, they didn't

(01:03:53):
feel love, cared for, or protected. Once they moved out
of the home, and sometimes that's done so abruptly, there's
no preparation for that, and then placed in a situation
with strangers. Usually then that self fulfilling prophecy over there

(01:04:15):
about they were not safe, they were not protected, they
were not cared for in the way that they were afforded,
all because of all kinds of circumstances that they might
have been exposed to by their parents. So you carried
that with you. And see the thing that what we
have to come to understand about intentionality. Our intentionality of

(01:04:39):
what we do is based on past experiences, past relationships,
old memories, unrequired desires, unresolved emotions, and trauma that is
unnamed and acknowledge. And so when these things all compiles

(01:05:01):
in there, you can then with negative intention because now
you believe that I am unlovable, I am incapable of
having a good life, no one wants me, and bad
things are always going to happen to me, So I

(01:05:23):
either have to get a take before I'm gotten or
taken advantage of. So with that attitude, you're going out.
That's a very self defensive attitude, but it's also one
where it's self protected. And so with that in mind,
everybody is a potential enemy or somebody who's going to

(01:05:47):
say one thing and do another with it. So you
can't trust, you can't believe, you can't experience anything. And
what I know is true regardless of whether you think
you are the most fabulous on earth and everybody in
your home and growing up and everybody told you that
you were the most eblished things on earth and convinced

(01:06:10):
you of that and you believe it, then that's what's
true for you, and that's how you will act in
the world. And if everybody and everything in your world
told you you were unworthy, unlovable, uncapable, et cetera, et cetera,
that's what you will believe and that's what you will
take with you. So in order to have healthy intentionality,

(01:06:34):
you have to first do an inventory and honestly identify
the negative emotions that you hold, because negative emotions are friends.
When you're scared. Negative emotions are protectors when bad things
have happened to you or are about to happen to you,

(01:06:56):
And that's where you learn the art of stealing and lying,
sometimes killing, because everything appears to be a threat, and
because you live in the attitude of threat, so there's
no trust and there's no planning for the future, because
you learn to live and react and respond day to day,
sometimes moment to moment. When you have that kind of

(01:07:17):
insight into yourself, and then you get counseling so that
you can process where all that came from and why
you have been holding onto it for so long. Then,
little by little and with the support of a good therapist,
you can learn how to let that go so that

(01:07:37):
you can develop positive intentionality and some goals and directions
and a purpose that is in better alignment with the
potential for who you can become when you are ready
to give up the security and the familiarity and the

(01:08:00):
negativity of who you have been hiding behind all of
these years.

Speaker 2 (01:08:08):
If that makes sense, it makes sense, and I hope
it makes sense to Tracy.

Speaker 8 (01:08:12):
Tracy's listening and thinking, I think she'll she'll get it.

Speaker 2 (01:08:15):
She'll get it. She'll get it.

Speaker 8 (01:08:16):
Yeah, yeah, she'll get it since she's already identifying her part.

Speaker 2 (01:08:20):
Okay, right, okay, she realized, and I want to go
back with something that we said earlier. And then Tracy
also said, doctor Jeffy, She said, I was mad at
God and everyone else, but I realized I played a
part in my issues. She said, But you know, I
used to be bitter and angry, still have a little anger.
Is that anger gonna stay with with Tracy or she

(01:08:43):
she will be able to get over that as well well.

Speaker 8 (01:08:47):
But the first part, the anger is not as powerful
as it used to be because she's aware that it's there, okay,
and she also knows that she's allowing that little bit,
you know. That's what I was about to add to that.
Once you have confidence that your belief and who you
are and how you are and what you have the

(01:09:08):
right to begins to shift and change, you will then
gradually give up. Because nobody gives up their defensive mechanisms
all at once. You know, you have to give them
up a little bit of the time, experience a little
bit of success, see how this is playing out, you know,
and take a chance on it. The key is if

(01:09:30):
you are right there at the door.

Speaker 10 (01:09:32):
You've done the work.

Speaker 8 (01:09:33):
You're right there at the door, and you have to
take the first step out to give up something, and
you decide, oh, hell, I'm not going out there. I
already know what's going to happen. This is not gonna work,
and you know you start playing that. Understand it takes
courage to deal with self work. It takes huge courage
to go into a therapist and bury your soul and

(01:09:56):
do deep work around whoever, I how did I get
this way? And what is it that I can do
to create my own new way of living and loving
this life. That takes tremendous courage. So it's understandable that
you would go back, run back inside, run back to
the door for a while. But at some point, see,

(01:10:18):
because we go back to time, we don't know how
much time that we have. So nine times out of ten,
if you're an adult, you've wasted too much time you know,
dealing with all of this because that's what you know.

Speaker 4 (01:10:33):
But as I said.

Speaker 8 (01:10:34):
Earlier, when you know better, you're gonna do better. That's
when Maya has been out there.

Speaker 1 (01:10:38):
It works.

Speaker 8 (01:10:39):
You know you can't do the same thing when you
know that what you're doing is crazy. See you, it'll
work when you don't know. But once you do the work,
and now you're aware that this is crazy for me
to be sitting here doing that, it's not gonna be
as effective. So it doesn't serve you anymore. So you
need to go to the next level. That's called growth,

(01:11:00):
and we never stop growing. I don't care how old
you are, I don't care how long you've been playing crazy.
I don't care how long you've been lying to yourself
until you take your last breath. And in some faith,
you can even change it with that last breath. If
you say I believe and whatever it is that you
believe in, you will be saved. So there is no

(01:11:24):
time living on when you can't do it. But I'm saying,
why waste precious time? Yes, why waste life? Life can
be where you want it to be when you're living
in purpose. And you cannot live in purpose until you
get rid of the lies and the denials and all

(01:11:47):
the negativity to your attached with emotions and regrets that
you probably had nothing to do with somebody else dumped
that on you. Let's clean house, folks, Let's clean house.
This December let's clean house and when you make your
New Year's resolution in January, you can be real. You
can be real and ready.

Speaker 2 (01:12:09):
That's right. I love it. Hold on, doctor Jeffries, will
break when we come back. I have another email for
you from Joy. We are talking this day with doctor Jeffries.
Our topic of conversation learning, loving and living with intention.
If you have a question or two four doctor Jeffries,

(01:12:32):
we do invite you to call nine zero one five
three five nine three four two eight hundred five zero
three nine three four two eight three three five three
five nine three four to two can get you in
to us. Email me I, Tracy and other folks at

(01:12:52):
BEV Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com. We'll get your question. Two,
doctor jeff you're listening to the BEB Johnson Show on
Relationship Day on the Heart and Soul of Memphis on
w d i A.

Speaker 11 (01:13:21):
Wishing you and yours a merry Christmas and happy Holidays
from the BEB Johnson Show.

Speaker 1 (01:13:27):
And w d i A.

Speaker 3 (01:14:11):
You're listening to the BEV Johnson Show. Here's Bev Johnson and.

Speaker 2 (01:14:16):
We'll go to our phone lines on forgatful Hello on
and forgatful Yes, Miss junk yes, sir, I just.

Speaker 10 (01:14:29):
I just came in a second ago, and I will
hear you explain the topic. Can you go back one
more time say which you're talking about.

Speaker 2 (01:14:37):
The topic is learning, loving and living with intention.

Speaker 10 (01:14:45):
That's very good, very interesting, and I would listen to
a little with doctor Jeffery saying do you think it's
okay to put trust in a person deeply? I mean
real deep? Now, I don mean know everything about you,
because I feel like a person that know they shall

(01:15:09):
they don't need to get so deep with a therapist
about certain issues, Bev Johnson, because you know I think
I forgetful, that I'm forgetful.

Speaker 2 (01:15:19):
Let me say this to you. That's why people people
go to a therapist because it's confidential. You're just talking
to that person. You're not talking to a friend or
a cousiner. You're talking to somebody who's going to keep
it confidential. And the reason that you go deeply in
that and trusting so you can help yourself understand what's

(01:15:40):
going on with you.

Speaker 10 (01:15:42):
Well, if you know what's going on to look, Jem,
I'm not the one to trash yourself now, I mean
I understand I make mistakes you because I'm a human being.
Everybody make them. But if my mistakes don't come from
someone else that I made on that I was wrong.
If I'm apologizing and corrected. But when it comes to self,

(01:16:05):
I think that's a self destructive thing when you criticize yourself.

Speaker 1 (01:16:09):
Okay, all right, I mean they's just my opinion.

Speaker 10 (01:16:13):
I want to ask doctor Jeffery, do you think I'm
wrong about that? Because I'm not trying to be some
high mighty person or whatever. I just think it's a
destructive thing when a person look at something like you
always say, write it down, and you write all these
limited things about yourself.

Speaker 2 (01:16:30):
Right, Okay, I got it un for careful, so listen.
So I'm i ask doctor Jeffries. Listen, please thank you unforgetful.
Thank you so much with doctor Jeffries, I got unforgetful.
He has a good question for you. Okay, he says
he wants to know, doctor Jefferson. Is it well?

Speaker 6 (01:16:56):
No?

Speaker 1 (01:16:56):
Is it?

Speaker 2 (01:16:56):
Can it be destructive if you're always criticizing yourself.

Speaker 8 (01:17:02):
I think that if you're criticizing yourself, then you're aware
that there are things that you believe that you want
to change. Now you if you're just dogging yourself out
and you're not doing anything to change the things that
you think are negative about yourself. That's destructive. That's just

(01:17:22):
you know, that's abuse, that's self abuse, really okay and.

Speaker 2 (01:17:27):
All he also asked about He says, doctor Jeffries always
tells us to write things down, But you're writing things
down by about yourself. Is that destructive? And he wants
you to explain why you always say write things down.

Speaker 8 (01:17:42):
Well, first of all, when you write things down that
are important to you, by the mere fact of putting
pen to paper and you write it down, you have
deepened your connection with that thought and is likely going
to be easier to remember and to hold on too
if you just try to remember it. Just from what

(01:18:03):
you hear on the show notes to self, you've heard
that expression when people write notes to themselves. Those are
things that people want to get back to, they want
to look at, they want to think about, maybe discussed
with somebody else, a trusted friend, or have to get
their take on it so that they increase their understanding

(01:18:24):
of what it is that we're talking about. And I
encourage people to journal because if you carry everything that
you think that you want, that you desire, that you're
upset about in your head and in your heart. That
is destructive, that's stressful. It puts additional and unnecessary stress

(01:18:47):
on our heart, our blood pressure, how we care for
our bodies, what we eat or what we don't eat,
and all of that. Writing it down memorializes it so
that you can go back to look at it, to
have a second thought about it, which play back with.
I would suggest that you write down some of the
things that you criticize yourself about, and then after you

(01:19:12):
write them down, beside each one, write down what you
were doing and what the criticism is about. Was it
about in terms of somebody else or something you said
or did that you think after a time had passed
and you should have said or shouldn't have done that.
I'm just curious to see what is it that you

(01:19:34):
are criticizing yourself about. Remember that if you just criticizing
and berating yourself, then you're just abusing yourself. But if
you're writing down things that you're trying to understand why
you said or did something and you want to do
something different the next time, that's different. That means you're
trying to grow. So if you do that, you write

(01:19:55):
down the types of things that you've been criticizing you for,
and then call us back next week and we can
talk about what that implies and maybe some things that
you can do to correct that. Okay, that was a
great question because a lot of people.

Speaker 2 (01:20:11):
Do that, right, exactly, good question. I'nforgetful before I get
you joy, Doctor Jeffries email. Tracy said, thank you doctor Jeffries. Everything.
Doctor Jeffrey says, I agree. I also feel like I
use anger as my protection, but I also realize it
is not healthy.

Speaker 8 (01:20:29):
Yeah, but you know, and it serves you for you
to get from point A to this point. So anger
is not a bad thing. People think that anger is
a bad emotion. There are no bad emotions. The thing
about it is we have to learn to manage our emotions,
you know, and if we manage our emotions, they serve us.

(01:20:50):
If something makes you angry, that's a signal that you
want to understand who is it or what is it
and why is it that you're reacting to this person
place of situation knowledge for yourself. The more knowledge you
have for yourself, the better you're able to manage and
to control those emotions.

Speaker 2 (01:21:13):
Okay, Anita says, I'm getting a joy Anita says. Doctor jeffries,
when a girl loses her father at an early age,
does that cause her to pick a wrong man just
for a father figure.

Speaker 8 (01:21:29):
I think that if there have not been any males
around you that have shown concern, uncles, brothers or whatever,
that have shown care or concern or something. The father
definitely plays a very paramount role in how we view masculinity,

(01:21:51):
how we deal with men, and that sort of thing.
But if not necessarily, the only way that you can
learn that if you have a parent that talks to
you about her, your mother that talks to you about
her relationship with your father, or or gives you insight

(01:22:14):
from what she's learned about dues and don'ts and good
men and bad men and all of that. The key
is to have conversations with people. And if you've missed
that opportunity, you know they're you know, you can find surrogance,
You can find substitute, somebody that you enjoy talking to,

(01:22:37):
a male that you can do as a positively figure
and try to develop a relationship with that. And most
men would be very flattered by that, particularly somebody who
may never have had a child or all these children
are grown on what have you. But it is it is,
I think a phenomenal the relationship. But daddy and daughters,

(01:23:01):
that is one that does not get as much attention
as it should be because when you're a daddy's girl,
I mean, you're a different kind of girl. You really are.
You are and it stays with you. So I encourage
you to do that and to look into that, and

(01:23:21):
I wish you some luck with that.

Speaker 2 (01:23:23):
All right, hold on, doctor Jeffries, I'm going to our
phone lines to get this call. W D I a
high caller.

Speaker 4 (01:23:31):
Hello and share it again. Hi sharing hell ya hate
U miss some of your your business today. But I
just wanted a quick answer, a quick statement to unforgetful
I believe who was criticizing the importance of writing things
down for yourself, and I just want to let me
listen though, it's not self criticism when you do that,
it's self analysis.

Speaker 2 (01:23:53):
Now.

Speaker 4 (01:23:53):
I have been journally for years and years and years,
and what I have found if I journals, let's say
March twenty twenty one, because I'm going through something really bad,
really hard at the time, and then I look at
it again. May the twenty first, or even May twenty
twenty fourth, I can look back and thank God that
I got through that, and then I can remember how

(01:24:16):
I got through that and why I got through that.
That's how I use my journals, and when I do it,
I don't do it as much now as I did
when I was younger, but I'm just remembering how I
used that. I did not use that ass self destruction
but self fulfillment to remind me no matter what happened,
I got through this somehow, and that gave me the
encouragement the confidence to continue going because I know, no

(01:24:39):
matter what happens, God and whoever Thisss is involved, is
gonna get me through that. And I used my journaling
notes to remind me of those hard times that gave
me the strength and confidence to continue going, knowing I'm
gonna hit some other hard times, but they're gonna be
taken care of. So I just wanted to throw that
at unforgetful statement.

Speaker 2 (01:24:57):
Very good, Thank you, Sharon by by doctor Jeffery Sharing
made a good point. She says she just wanted to
tell Unforgetful that she has always journal and journal is
not criticizing yourself it self analysis and she said doctor Jeffries.
She used her journaling how to use how to see

(01:25:17):
how she got through it. It was a fulfillment how
she got through what she was going through. So journaling
is a good thing so she could look back and
see what she did then and how she can make
life better now.

Speaker 8 (01:25:30):
Exactly. Thank you Sharon for sharing that most of us
are afraid to put down and possibly worry about somebody
finding the journal and reading it and what had you.

Speaker 6 (01:25:42):
But you know, find a.

Speaker 8 (01:25:43):
Safe place to keep it, and it's a place where
you can just you can just be your real self
so that you can become acquainted with who you are,
and then you're able to make very clear decisions about
what kinds of things do you want I want to
work towards, what kind of purpose do you want to develop?

(01:26:04):
What kind of creativity do you want to add to
your life. It's about you. It's one thing that it's
all private, and you can be as honest as you
need to be and watch yourself grow.

Speaker 2 (01:26:17):
All right, And I finally I'm gonna get to joy Joe.
I was gonna get to you and the last email
Doctor Jeffries. Joyce says doctor Jeffries, Why do so many
women stay with men who cheat on them. You talk
about intention. Is it intention? Is it a part of
not of not knowing or having low self esteem? Or

(01:26:40):
do they think things will will get better?

Speaker 8 (01:26:45):
They hope things will get better. Usually they know and
or suspect, and that will determine usually how they will
choose to address it. Most of the time, there's a
decision about why. Event takes you back to why you're

(01:27:06):
with this particular man anyway, because if you go into
a relationship assuming that he's the great catch and you're
just lucky, and you just got to you gotta policing,
you gotta following, you gotta watch other women, and all
of that, you already know what role that you've chosen.

(01:27:28):
You're gonna be his jailer. And I don't care where
the jail is. People don't volunteerily, just like to lock
themselves up every day, So there's no trust. You question
the love and what have you? And is everybody there
voluntarily or the commitments that you have through was it

(01:27:49):
an unplaying pregnancy or was it a threat or too
much time or they didn't Nobody wants to be the
first one to say goodbye, But you have to go
back to that to figure out what was the aggrievance
spoken and unspoken. A lot of people will stay for
economic reasons. A lot of women will stay for economic reasons.
And then on the other hand, with more women having

(01:28:12):
really great financial backgrounds and what have you, a lot
of women will keep a man who chiefs because it's
better to keep the man and manage him because she
knows that he probably won't leave because of economic reasons.
She probably has about the car, the house, and everything else,

(01:28:35):
and he has a good ride. All he has to
do is just behave. And when you do that with somebody,
you're treating them like a child. So what does children
do when they're spoiled? They do whatever they want to
and they know that you're only going to go so
far to punish them. And the third thing that it's
really said is that when you believe that you are undeserving,

(01:28:59):
and you believe that you're unlovable, because that was the
message you were given, then you take what is presented
before you and you try to hold on to that
because it's a good public image. You feel like no man,
I mean, a cheating man is better than no man.

(01:29:19):
And we can rationalize any kind of insanity to invite
into our lives. But what we don't realize is that
as long as you're willing to live with insanity, then
you cannot find nor invite reason and righteousness and truth
in Nobody just volunteers to go and list and live

(01:29:41):
with that kind of stuff, because insanity is I was
gonna have drama, and drama leads to all kinds of
chaos and sometimes tragedy. So when you're ready to say,
I can have whatever it is I really need from
the universe, but first I gotta do some cleansing and
remember as traces too. And I said, it takes courage

(01:30:03):
to affect positive change in your life, and that means
that you're ready to affect positive change in your life
when you've weighed, am I willing to pay the price
or the cost for what this bad, non nurturing, ineffective
relationship is providing me? Or am I willing to put

(01:30:24):
on my big girl underwear and go out there and
have the courage to dig down and clear out all
of the craziness, all of the history and the baggage
that I brought in and then rebuild and create with
intentions what I want, need and expect to manifest in

(01:30:47):
my life. It's possibility thinking, and possibility thinking is positive thinking.
And if you don't believe in you, and if you
are not willing to invest in you, and if you
don't love yourself enough to say, I am deserving and
worthy of all that I need to be wholesome, healthy

(01:31:10):
and happy, Who in the heck do you think is
going to do that? You got to practice what you
preach to get what it is you deserve.

Speaker 2 (01:31:21):
You're right, living with intention, living with intentions. I love
it today, Doctor Jeffery's learning Loving and living with intention
your last word you like to say to us?

Speaker 8 (01:31:36):
You know, I really am so happy the response that
we got and we got it for men and women
and for people, and I buy people to continue to
ask your questions, what is your intention? How do you
want to live with intention? Remember you living with good
or bad intentions? And sometimes we accidentally on purpose live

(01:32:00):
within pretensions. That is not in our best interest. Take
an inventory of your life and see look at all
the aspects your family life, your work life, your career life,
school life, children's life, marriage life, friendship life, church life,
and make a pie charge that circle and put it
up into the circle to see where your time and

(01:32:22):
energy is spent, and then put in there, whether that's
a positive, a man or a minor sign, how you're
spending that. And if you do that, then you will
begin to see where your time and energy is going.
And if you're happy with where it's going, you're good.
If it's not going where you wanted to go, then

(01:32:42):
we need to talk about how do you make it
flow in the direction that you wanted to go, so
that you can tear down and build up a whole
different kind of structure for yourself, one that speaks to you,
one that was designed by you, for you, with you
in mine in a better better, play.

Speaker 2 (01:33:02):
Good And before you leave, doctor Jeffries, I told one
of your he's not your classmate, but he graduated from
from Carver and again on on tomorrow to how important
it is. He's having that free kid, Carpenter, they're having
that free prostate cancer. So it's in the more so,
I said, I told my listen, I'm gonna tell doctor Jeffery,

(01:33:23):
get on these men to go over there tomorrow. That
is absolutely free, doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 8 (01:33:29):
It is absolutely fair. And you know the last time
he did that. I want I commended him for doing
that that. First of all, when he was in school,
he was just such he was just such an outgoing
person and very much in Bob. So he has the
personality then, and it sounds like now that when there's
a need that he's going out there to really respond

(01:33:51):
to that. And that's what we need models, the men
who can go out fairs and reflect and be able
to talk and share and creat thisments where men can
get what they need and they can not afford to
have people not using resources that are they free and
available to you.

Speaker 2 (01:34:09):
Yeah, and doctor Jeffries can't. And as he's told his story,
he's a prostate cancer survivor, and that's.

Speaker 8 (01:34:17):
Very important because he can then tell you what he's
been through and tell you about prevention and intervention. Right,
that's the beauty. That's what I'm talking at, These circles
and opportunities where men can go in there and be
serious about because if you don't have health, good health, yes,

(01:34:38):
then you will not miss it until you have bad
health or poor health. And sometimes it's too late, but
we got to stop just being late. We think time
wasts on us. That's a myth that's a stereotype that
other people put on us. Y'all get on the board
and go out there. Go out there and just see
what they're talking about. Get some free bags so you
can read rank. God, you don't in the needed, but

(01:35:00):
just go out there and support him.

Speaker 2 (01:35:02):
Right it is.

Speaker 8 (01:35:03):
I can do that.

Speaker 2 (01:35:04):
Yeah, doctor, and this in the morning at the Orange
Mound Community Center and they starting at ten o'clock in
the morning, free for our state testing.

Speaker 8 (01:35:12):
He'll make it.

Speaker 2 (01:35:13):
Yeah, they have time. So I told the folk I
was gonna get on these man, saying, let doctor Jeffers
get on your I told Ken, I'm telling you so
Doctor Jeffries encouraged these guys to go get tested tomorrow morning.

Speaker 8 (01:35:26):
Go out because you may not need it, but you
may get some information to help you recognize it with
a sibling, your child, you just don't know, a neighbor
or a friend. We just gotta spread the knowledge so
that we can share it where it's needed.

Speaker 2 (01:35:41):
You're right, I thank you Doctor Jeffries.

Speaker 8 (01:35:47):
Support him.

Speaker 2 (01:35:48):
I will tell Ken, and kid's gonna let me know
how many men showed up in the.

Speaker 8 (01:35:53):
Morning, all right, tell them, y'all tell him that we
sent you out there. So he'll have a number.

Speaker 2 (01:35:58):
Sounds good. Have a great eight weekend. Dtor Jeffries. Talk
to you next Friday.

Speaker 8 (01:36:03):
I will be here time again.

Speaker 10 (01:36:06):
All right, sister, all right, you behave and be careful.

Speaker 2 (01:36:10):
Okay, give Zoe, give Zoe ah fuck me right there, Okay, okay,
bye bye? All right, take you you too, bye bye.
That is our behavioral and relationship consultant, doctor Dorothy Jeffries.

Speaker 1 (01:36:30):
The views and opinions discussed on The BEV Johnson Show
are that of the hosts and callers and not those
of the staff and sponsors of w d i A.

Speaker 2 (01:36:43):
We want to thank you callers, We want to thank
you listeners all week long for joining us this day
on the BEV Johnson Show. We do, we really do
appreciate you. So until tomorrow, please be saved. Keep a
cool head, y'all. Don't let anyone steal your joy. Until tomorrow.

(01:37:09):
I'm BEB Johnson, and y'all keep the faith. Mark Baker,
take me home, boyfriend.