Situations, Connections with Dr. Dorothy Jeffries

Situations, Connections, and Relationships is the topic of conversation with Psychologist and Mental Health Specialist Dr. Dorothy Jeffries on The Bev Johnson Show on WDIA Radio.

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
You're on my man the man.Yeah, you are always Hey, you're
always on my mind. Good morning, and welcome back to WDI A The
Bev Johnson Show. It is indeeda pleasure to have you with us once
again on this Friday, Friday,July twenty sixth, twenty twenty four.

(00:27):
Enjoyed this fabulous day to day.It is relationship Day where we talk about
relationships to help make yours healthy,happy, wholesome, wonderful, and most
of all loving between consenting adults.We will be talking with our psychologists mental
health specialist. She's back in thehouse, doctor Dorothy Jeffries. This day

(00:51):
our topic of conversation situations, connectionsand relationships. I like it. We're
talking relationship. And let me givethese phone numbers out when you have a
question or two four doctor Jeffries orcomment nine zero one five three five nine
three four two eight hundred five zerothree nine three four two eight three three

(01:17):
five three five nine three four twowill get you in to me. And
also if you can't call, youcan email me your question. Bev Johnson
at iHeartMedia dot com. Bev Johnsonat iHeartMedia dot com. And once again

(01:40):
let's welcome back in Doctor Dorothy Jeffries. Good morning, doctor Jeffries, good
morning, and happy Friday to you. Happy Friday to you, sister.
You sign good. Hey, I'mready to work. You read work,
you've been work. Hey, We'reready to work. And before we get
started, yesterday, doctor Jeffers,we heard Doctor Harper on it. And

(02:02):
I think you all got a great, fabulous compliment from one of our listeners
from California. And he said,yeah, he said, we love listening
to doctor Harper. He told doctorHarper, he says, we love the
Thursdays and Fridays with doctor Harper anddoctor Jeffries. And he said, I
got all my friends across the countrylistening, so I think it was Rick.

(02:24):
So thank you Rick, Rick,Rick. And I told him,
I said, I'm gonna tell doctorJeffries that you all are listening in California.
Hey, Hey that Hey, theDynamic duo still rains after thirty seven
years. Yeah, we hold it, old, sister, we hold it.
Yeah. Good, So it isalways a pleasure. We appreciate that.

(02:47):
Yeah, and all of our listenerswho listen across the country and in
the mid South, we thank you, thank you, thank you, because
you don't have to do it,but also it helps us like and you're
as doctor Jeffery Rick said, andhe said, we're getting free counseling.
You better tell somebody. People betterrecognize that all grown and it is hard

(03:10):
driven because we do care, wecare, and we're concerned and so we've
shown a commitment to this. Andyou know, I have to also acknowledge
Bell that this whole movement towards maintainingit on mental health came from you first
starting with the relationships, and thenbroaden it where we begin to address a

(03:32):
multitude of concerns, mental health issues, mental health options, and mental health
opportunities so that people no longer haveto say I don't know what to do,
I don't know where to go.Certainly listen to us. We appreciate
that. But also when you needmore intensive care, when you need more

(03:55):
in depth work than with the listof resources that BEB has been growing all
these years, we can find yousomebody to talk to. Yes, yes,
yeah, get better, feel betterso that you have a clear mind
and a sober hard and you'll doall right. I like that, doctor
Jeffers. Clear mind and a soberhard, yes, ma'am. And we

(04:18):
need to see more of that.Yes we do, Yes, we do
well. This morning, doctor Jeffries, I love this topic of conversation because
it'll take a gambit of a lotof things situations, connections, and relationships.
And we talked and you talked aboutterminating bad situations, broken connections,

(04:38):
anything or anyone holding you back,situations, connections and relationships. What are
we talking about today? Well,beb let me tell you. When I
was thinking about this, it's kindof a bridge from some of the earliest
topics that we did about connections,you know, nine, denige and de

(05:00):
and then moving on to so muchstuff that has transpired within the last twenty
years, if you will, wherethere have been so many negative and oppressive
barriers that we are challenged by everyday, and to the part that it

(05:20):
becomes a major problem for us tofigure out. Are we going to remain
apathetic? Are we just going totry to remain stoic and learn to tolerate
it. Are we going to becomedepressed and internalize anger about feeling helpless and
hopeless? Are we going to lookfor ways that we can resolve, eliminate,

(05:45):
or reconcile our feelings or our behaviorwith the situation, And I think
that it's imperative beginning, of course, with yourself, the things that you
struggle with, on your integrity,the quality and the morality of your behavior,
the clarity of your mind and yourheart and intent on how you think

(06:06):
and feel and interact and show careand concern to others in this world,
inside the home, inside the family, inside the community, and then outside
to the world. But also beingable to grow to a point where we
feel compelled to show some accountability thatwe recognize. Regardless of what other people

(06:30):
say about where we stand and howwe enter, we are a significant part
every individual counts as a member ofthis society. And regardless of how other
people whispering your ear or programming onthe news or try to put it up
with propaganda, you have the powerto change how much you allow those types

(06:55):
of whispers and messaging to change orupset or deter your behavior, as opposed
of seeking clarity on the situation andtaking whatever resolve you have to get better,
do better so that things can bebetter for everybody. So this topic

(07:15):
is on one hand about intimate relationships, because once you do the work within
yourself, then you can begin tolook at your groups and your associations and
your intimate partner selections, and seeif those individuals or groups or people that

(07:39):
you engage and involve yourself with supportand enforce and enhance your stand your beliefs,
your sense of empowerment, and youractions and motives for doing better and
being better. If not, weoftentimes find so many people who come angry

(08:01):
in rage, depressed, apathetic,just totally immobile or become a just despondent
and passive in society because they havegiven up all sense and responsibility for self.
And that's just not acceptable now.Because when one person becomes just someone

(08:26):
who's there, who's not a productivemember, then it has a boomerang effect.
When X number of people desire thatthey're just going to give up and
respond to bad circumstances, we havea growing homeless population. When some parents
become irresponsible or negligent or self indulgementindulgence, we have a growing child population

(08:54):
with problems academically, socially, behaviorally, and ultimately criminal because they have no
guidance. When society decides that onlya few wealthy people shall make decisions for
you and control the judicial systems,the policies that dictate your lives and we

(09:16):
have no response or reaction. Thenwe have a situation in society that's in
balance to have and to have nots. And it all begins with one person,
because if one person becomes another personand another person, then you have
a growing epidemic of apathy. Andso then we are bothered with staying in

(09:41):
bad situations, having dangerous conditions thatwe engage ourselves in depriving ourselves of quality
health and hostsome environment for growth anddevelopment and creating a negative or toxic environment
for nurturing a healthy relationship. Soyou see, wherever we are, whatever

(10:07):
we're doing, whatever we desire,whoever is in our life, whoever we're
seeking, all of it comes tocircle and what goes around comes around,
and we have to begin to exerciseactive, healthy choices. Yes, that's
the mouth. I know, that'sall right, but because I think people

(10:28):
need to understand when we talk aboutthe situations you're in, the connections you're
in, and those relationships, andwhen you think about it, doctor Jeffrey,
is that that's a good question,anything or anyone holding you back?
And I asked the question, whyare you letting anything or anyone holding you

(10:50):
back, what's the problect Yeah,exactly, Well, you know, I
guess one of the most interesting scenariosyou could use. Why are somebody else
driving your bus? Right? Becauseif somebody else is driving your bus,
you have no choice but to rideand allow them to pick the stops and

(11:11):
who they allow to get on.But if you're driving your own bus,
you have the ability at any stop, you to take any stop you want
and to close the door and considerbefore even opening it to allow someone to
come into your space. When yougive that up, that's like the basic
line of individual power that when wedo that, things begin to happen,

(11:37):
usually against us, to the pointwe either become conditioned to accepting someone else,
something else, somewhere else to makedecisions about how we'll live, we'll
how we'll even breathe as to saying, I'm going to stand on my own
truth on this, and I'm goingto decide what's good for me and what

(12:01):
I want, and until I learnbetter or do better when making my choices,
I'm going to live trial and error, but still make my choices in
the belief that it's better for meand the people that I love and care
for. Now if a multitude ofpeople began to do that and they would
find each other. Then we wouldhave a collective, and that collective would

(12:22):
grow to a community, and thenout of that community, we would have
healthy families, healthy couples, andchildren who are living in optimal conditions.
And it sounds like afar our fantasyor dreams. But if we don't believe
it, then we can't ever vetyou towards it, you know, So

(12:43):
we have to begin somewhere because wherewe are right now it's certainly not good
for anybody. No, no,so talking about so we want to get
into some of those situations that youmay be going through. Talk about some
of those some of the situations,because it's it's always when we think about

(13:07):
in relationships, doctor Jeffers, Ithink about in those situations we especially with
people in relationships, we have peoplewho just don't like each other, but
they stay together. I'm thinking,like, what or you have the situations
there? There is a lot ofemotional abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse.

(13:28):
Why are you there a lot ofsituations? You know, we talk
about those situations. That's exactly right. And you know when we talk about
a situation, it's like what theold folks should say this is a situation,
yeah, And when they would saythat, they would be said with
concern and urgency, like we haveto address it. But if you are

(13:56):
benign in your participation in the situation, then you assume no responsibility or accountability
for how you get there. Andwhat I mean by that is if you
passively allow someone to come along andsay I want to be with you,
you have no background information, youdon't know anything about the person. You

(14:20):
don't even really know how you feelabout the person. They just told you,
well, you probably need to feelsomething about me good, because I'm
going to be with you. Andwhen you do that with no question or
nothing, you know, as somekind of preliminary mood to that, then

(14:41):
what happens next is that they're drivingyour boss. That's when you don't go
through the process of vetting them orchecking how you feel talking to trusted friends,
parents, relatives or whatever. They'redriving your bus and so whatever back
is toxicity that they carry, theymove in with it and it begins so

(15:05):
early nowadays, this happens early whenyoung kids decide that they are not visible
at home, they hang out witha group, maybe bullies, maybe kids
like them, maybe kids that areangry and what have you, and they
assume they're vats. When young peoplebegin dating and they're hungry for attention,

(15:28):
to be visible, to be caredfor, then they let someone else make
life changing decisions about what their developmentis going to tell. Babies may be
mad, dropping out of school,maybe getting involved in criminal activity because they
have to learn to scope and usetheir developing skills. And then as adults

(15:52):
who are still mind in what didn'thappen for them, angry over who didn't
parent them, upset and feeling misused, feeling unattractive, having low self esteem,
all of those negative things that theycarry with them. Then they become
self destructive, having chronic mental healthissues, having very transient relationships or connections,

(16:23):
and or doing bodily harm like starvingthemselves to try to seek or chasing
image or stuffing themselves to the pointwhere they develop a host of chronic illnesses.
And so, but what you seeas the core image among all those
developmental lines is someone is becoming apassive host and other people who are no

(16:49):
more prepared or mature to make decisionsthan they are are calling the shots.
And so you end up in asituation that you want to say, I
don't know how I got here,but you were an active agent, and
how you got there because you hadno power that you use to say no,

(17:12):
to withdraw or to question. Andthat's what we need to think about.
Situations occur when external things come together, external people come together and they
create a connection or a relationship,and I mean relationship as a linkage to

(17:33):
something else or someone else. Andbased on that situation, when we talk
about this is a situation that meansthey bring something not wanted, not needed,
and that it's not going to bein your beir interest. So if
we look at our current situations andyou're depressed, you're upset, you feel

(17:53):
unhealthy, you feel apathetic, youfeel lonely, you feel isolated, all
of those things, Let's look atyour situation. How did you get there?
What did you give up or neverseek that led you to that point?
Who did you allow in who tookon the brutish role and denied you

(18:17):
access to your power? Why didyou allow that person to do? When
will you be full enough to becomeactive enough to create or seek an intervention
to change your situation? When areyou ready to fight for self? All
right, sounds good. Well ona good start, doctor Jeffries. Hold

(18:41):
on, sister, we will takethis break. If you have a question
or two four doctor Jeffries, itis your turn to talk. Five three
five nine three four to two eighthundred five zero three nine three four to
two eight three three five three fivenine three four two will get you ian

(19:03):
to us. You're listening to doubleyou d I A. Hi. This
is David Porter, and you arelistening to the Queen of talk, Bev

(19:26):
Johnson. She is the one andonly. No one can top her,
no one can stop her, andI'm in love with her. You're listening
to Bell Johnson at W d IA over the time, working hard to
bring you out. Day, neversettling for every day gets off the brid

(19:59):
Monday and today it's relationships. Weare talking about situations, connections and relationships.
Go into our phone lines to talkwith you. High V I P.

(20:22):
Good morning, afternoon. How areyou doing. I'm doing well.
How are you? I'm wonderful,wonderful, wonderful. What do you say?
I want? Uh, I'm gotto come in like that. Like
doctor Jeffery said, when you meet, when you meet somebody and they can't
you can't tell me your red nine. You can't tell me nothing about you

(20:44):
reds play play. She can't tellyou nothing about her red red play.
If you want to go in there, you tell you what time it is,
and you want to go in there, you go in. She tells
you what she want you go in. In my case, uh, I
mean to be every day. Youknow, if a man tell, if
a man ask me, what's yournight? I made sure be bad that,
Jeff. I had my house notready to show this bill. I

(21:08):
made sure I got you tear tobe in no account. This is my
nine bill. You ain't willn't donone of that's gone on. I don't
have time to play games with nobodylike too short y'all getting these situation with
these men, and they tell y'all, y'all, y'all already bone was long
enough, y'all look for daddy stillher mother figure. You can't do that.
And so when you get to deepenand they tell y'all everybody, jail,

(21:30):
y'all relationship and he had beating youdown. I locked my knees last
year on mount to the science thing. We ta, We did everything we
could for him. So he wantedto do it. He still took her
life, shut her down on cornnine mili of me, shut her down,
shot her down, went home,sat down. He didn't run,
He didn't run. We tried totell her he went on. No,

(21:51):
he said, we all jib herb. But he'd see about some life.
And my niece, niece uh wentthrough the science. Well, she didn't
go to the same thing last year. She told me one about a lot
in my mind. Let her bombthink she's gonna She pragged me they're gonna
move, but she would divorcing him. I said, don't tell him nothing,
play your cards straight. So shedid what I asked her to do.
She and the hold nother state,leaving her life like she won see

(22:15):
some mean thing. Because they marryyou. Now you my property. No,
you're not no property. And somethingone you think the same thing.
He my husband, he my property. You get the relationship right now they
don't speak to each other, andthen when they do, they hooping the
holly. I know something that likethis just I ain't on to marriage.
Being there so loved. Well,I've been there so long. I don't
care what you being, but ifit killing you inside out, get out

(22:38):
for you to get killed, murdered, suicide happening every day, and then
where I want to stay and y'allhave a good weekend and you say thank
you you two VP VI I Pthank you so much. By bye.
Hi boots. See how y'all doing, have priority to you? And how
you doing? Doctor Jeffery doing well? Doing well? What do you say,

(23:00):
Bootsy, I'll say, why isn'tthe tonation? Do people all need
to wake up and realize, Look, this ain't the end of the world.
Y'all sitting around here worrying about behere, relationship he could have?
Would it? All that? Whyyou can't think for yourself and move forward
and do something better for yourself Anduse that mind that gave that God created

(23:23):
and gave you to think and havea big heart to move forward. Lead
the relationships alone. All that counselworrying about where he is. He gonna
do this, He's gonna do this, She's gonna do that. Leave all
that alone. Start thinking for yourself. Do y'all think that people need to
start thinking for themself and move forwardall the for the last few years,

(23:48):
been hearing the same thing over andover. This is about everyday people into
the same hole. They ain't gotout of it. They ain't looking at
the sky to say, oh Jesus, can you help me to see a
better day. Try something different withyour life. Do you think they need
to try something different with they likebelth instead of wasting it because a mind

(24:08):
is at a waite. Yes,you got to move forward. People need
to start moving forward. Go geta job, think for yourself, do
for yourself. They are that oldnonsense relationship alone. If they don't want
you, he don't want you,she don't want you. Leave that alone.
Move forward, all right, ain'tmake your life a whole lot.

(24:29):
Better do something spectacular. I ain'tnever have to worry about nobody want me
or be with me. If theydon't, it's okay. But you know
what, I always got God first, because He's gonna show me something better
than to do. All right,Thank you, Bootsy, Bye bye well
Doctor Jefferys. Vip and Bootsy saida lot. But I was going back

(24:52):
to Vip and one of the thingsthat she said, Doctor jeffreystruppy. She
said, sometimes people and they do. We know people be looking for mother,
and you kind of talked about that, be looking for in a relationship.
A mother or father figure exactly.And that's little very true, right,
And that's when I mentioned earlier aboutyou trying to redo or make over

(25:17):
or find substitutes for what you experiencedor didn't experience as a child. And
one of the biggest things that peoplewho are wounded during their childhood is that
mother and father figure who was there. And no regardless if somebody else stepped

(25:37):
in to raise them and they hada decent upbringing and all of that,
there's something that's very powerful about thebiological which makes sense the biological parenting,
and it's the sense of well beingof that if these two people made me
and they didn't want me, theydidn't care for me, or one one

(26:00):
or the other didn't want to carefor me, something must be wrong with
me. That's just a child's naiveteand nature to blame self, because the
parent is the most powerful person intheir lives. And they may have grandparents,
aunts, uncles, or somebody elsewho steps in, but it's still

(26:22):
that boy said, yeah, you'redoing all right here, But how come
your mama didn't want you? Howcome your daddy just disappears? How come
your mama didn't treat you well?And so if it nips or chips at
your self esteem, and I hearwhat bouthy is saying, you know,
that's the old school thing, youknow, you know, just move forward,

(26:45):
you know, be stored, justbeing stoic and not understanding what happened
to me, why it happened tome, or how I can move beyond
that. Even sometimes just knowing whatit was, why do I behave like
that? You can just put twoand two together and come up with the

(27:06):
answer. You may find some peaceand release. But we're not wide like
that because some people are too afraidto find out, and other people will
not let go and still deny orjust not materialize what's going on and manage

(27:26):
it to the point that they canput closure. So it's not as easily
said. It's done because we're somuch more aware now and we're able to
at least behaviorally articulate. We needsomebody we don't want to be by ourselves,
or we need to get the personin there who can take the place

(27:49):
a mama or daddy and love meas the child that I once was.
So it's more a little bit morethan just you know, try to get
up and going right, because itis hard for some people. They can't
do that right and use an emotionalproblems or a mental health issue. If

(28:14):
they could just decide okay, I'mnot thinking about this anymore after the day.
Some people will say that and oncethey decide okay, nobody took care
of me, so I don't needanybody. You can tell there's something wrong
with those people because they're cold,they're withdrawn, they're either bitter or they're
easy to anger, and that's stillnot healthy. So we just have to

(28:37):
have a little compassion and try tofind as many opportunities as available that which
is one of the reasons we dothis show. They may not go to
see anybody, but at some pointsthey can ask for us to talk about
a particular topic, or they willlisten and learn from other people. But
it's still an out reach trying tohelp them move forward, right, Doctor

(29:03):
Jefferys, I have this email thatsays, doctor jeffries, there are so
many desperate, lonely women out here, it ain't funny. So they fall
for anything due to desperation. Isthat true? Well, I don't know
an exact number, but there appearsto be an imbalance of available males and

(29:29):
that has been that way for quitesome time. My undocumented guess is that
that problem, that imbalance probably occurredfor most people in this generation is since
the Vietnam War, when we realizedhow many people were killed, how many
young men were killed during that war. That was the first imbalance, and

(29:51):
with that, the next on flatwas the first major drug crisis that occurred
first starting with those returning vets.And not only the drug crisis, but
are also the mental health crisis,which at that time was not readily available
with adequate treatment. Our bets donot get the just services that they so

(30:18):
sorely you deserve when they've been outon the lines, you know, risking
their lives for us. So that'sthe system that needs to be addressed.
So and then of course from thento now is the massive incarceration rate of
many males that age. So whatyou think of those three things, they're

(30:40):
just not enough available men. Andthen when you say, okay, the
men who are out there, theymay not be somebody who is ready or
fit or interested in partnering and parentingand raising a family, because there may
be something going on with them.And then you reduce that down and you've

(31:02):
got a group of healthy, sobermales eligible to date or pick partners in
what have you. They have sucha broad selection and depending on their choice
of lifestyle, they don't have tochoose. And some women are so desperate

(31:25):
to have a relationship they make accommodationsfor that out of need, out of
necessity, or just because they havea similar feeling about their lifestyle. So
there are a lot of really predictablesociological reasons and psychological reasons why this imbalance

(31:47):
remains. And if you think aboutthe number of young males, particularly among
African Americans, whereas black on blackcrimes and they're being killed, the next
generation of young women and people lookingto couple up with them is going to
be in the same situation. Sothere it's a serious topic to think about

(32:09):
and consider. Okay, let's pause. We're gonna pause again, doctor Jeffries.
We are talking this day situations,connections, relationships. If you have
a question or two comment for doctorDorothy Jeffries, we do invite you to
call nine zero one five three fivenine three four two eight hundred five zero

(32:34):
three nine three four two eight threethree five three five nine three four two
will get you in to us.We're going to the other side of the
Bev Johnson Show right here on wDIA. Whether you're in Arkansas, Tennessee,

(33:10):
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to the Bev Johnson Show on WDIA, Memphis works in your home election or

(33:36):
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(34:00):
and soul of Memphis. Ten seventywd IA Memphis Bejin Show, Bell Jumps,
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don't getting ready in time show JoLet's go Bellin. We make your day

(34:29):
right here WROG listen to What toFay. You know it's time for the
Belt of Fish, Time of theMountain Show, Lucky Let's go. We
are rocking and rolling on this Friday. It is July twenty sixth, twenty

(34:50):
twenty four. Enjoyed this fabulous dayto day. It's a Relationship Day where
we talk about relationships to help makeyours healthy, happy, wholesome, wonderful
living between consenting adults. A topicof conversation today situations, connections and relationships.
We're talking about that with our psychologists, mental health specialists, doctor Dorothy

(35:12):
Jeffries. Before we get back tothe phone lines, hold on and to
doctor Jeffries. Yeah, lunch timein the city, you know, and
I'm sure you might be hungry.You're feeling a little hungry right now.
You are, well, let metell you the place to go. The
place to go is my favorite place. They rock with the best entertainment in

(35:35):
town and the best soul food around. It's the Rocking Chair of Memphis fifteen
forty two Elvis Presley Boulevard. BecauseWednesday through Sunday, eleven am to five
pm, the Rocking Chair of mephicersup some of the best soul food you
have to offer. Yeah, Istopped in yesterday. Get my dinner.

(35:57):
I did. It was delicious,delicious, delicious. Well, on Friday,
let me tell you what's going on. Mss Anne Chipman saw me saying
yesterday she's doing well. She saysshe's working hard for y'all, hamburger,
steak, baked or fried, chicken, fried and smothered pork chops, buffalo
fish, catfish, turkey necks,corn bread, desserts. They got iced

(36:21):
tea and some other of your favoritebeverages as well. So head them down
to the Rocking Chair. And thisweekend they'll have dressing and greens and cabbage
and green beans, pinto beans,macaroni and cheese, purple whole peas,
ball, okra, spaghetti, mashedpotatoes. It's all going on at the

(36:44):
Rocking Chair. And I'm telling y'allthe Rocking Chairs a bad place. When
I got there yesterday, guess whoI saw there. The Kings of Memphis
was in the house. Was upKings, Scare Lot Ld was up Eld
Mike. They were all. Theycame to the rock Kid to have their
lunch as well. So if youare hungry, you never know who you

(37:05):
may see at the Rocking Chair.You can dine in, yes you can,
or you can take out and theywill have your meal waiting for you.
Just give them a call. Ninezero one four two five five two
sixty four nine zero one four twofive five two sixty four, And don't
forget on Friday evenings and Saturday evenings. Come out for a little adult entertainment.

(37:30):
It's absolutely free, free until eightpm tonight and tomorrow night, absolutely
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(37:52):
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the rock and Chair of Memphis,fifteen forty two Elvis Press Slave And we're

(38:27):
going back to our phone lines totalk with you. Thank you callers,
thank you listeners for joining. Andwe check in with common man. Hey,
common man, Hey, hey bebhow you doing doing well today?
How about you? I'm doing five? And hello to doctor Jeffers. On
the other side, I have adoctor Jeffers. I have a comment and

(38:50):
two questions for your debt. Arenot a relationship wise, but you earlier
you spoke about integrity, doctor Jeffers. You spoke about it, integrity,
moralities and behavior. And I knowtwo people, two people, two women
in between the ages of sixty andlike seventy two, and both of these

(39:13):
women are really really rude, hasvery bad dispositions about the way they talk
to people, talk toward people.They're always angry and bitter, just you
know, just just reckless. It'slike they have been trained at all.
And it's like to me, it'slike so unbelievable because I can't understand how

(39:37):
one could be so old and carryon these type of dispositions. So I
want to ask you, do youthink this could be a result of how
maybe they were treat it in thepast as they grew up, or just
a lack of training. Do youthink it could be something mental, bipolar

(39:58):
or what? And as a colleges, if you had to speak with someone
that you know carried on or displaythese type of dispositions, as I said,
what would you say to them totry to help them from a psychological
standpoint? What would you say tosomeone that carried on like that? So
that's what I want to say.Those are my questions for you, Doc

(40:20):
Jefferson. Good good questions, Thankyou, comming man. Be safe,
have a great week, Are youtoo right? Good question? Yeah,
Doctor Jeffries. What do you say, doctor Jeffries, I tell you that
common man here always coming. Okay. First of all, I would not
necessarily assess them or diagnose them asbeing negative or having personality disorder. We

(40:50):
have to understand that there is arainbow of personality traits and characteristics. And
every time we try to pigeonhole oneperson and say they're all of this or
they're all of that, we forgetto integrate the part of time, people,

(41:10):
situations, and a host of otherunpredictable factors can impact your mood,
your mental health state, and howyou're responding to the to the day and
to other people. And so ifthese people, from your perception, may

(41:31):
be negative or in a bad moodall the time, they may that may
be just that they are sour,pessimistic people, and that's their take on
the world. And you know,and that's from the outside. We have
no idea what their heart feels like. We don't know anything about that history

(41:52):
and what have you. I tellyou one thing, if you are curious,
and you do it from an intentof concern, ask them. Ask
each of the individuals you know andtell them that that's the impression that you
get, and that you just liketo know, are they really that in

(42:15):
a bad mood all the time?Do they really feel that sour? And
if they agree or feel like you'recoming from mode of care and concern,
they may share with you you knowthat they didn't, they weren't aware,
or they're just stand offish. Alot of times shy people are misjudge and

(42:37):
then they tell you to mind yourown business. So unless there's some reasons
that you may be concerned for themand you approaching it as a friend,
they're the source of telling you.Because I've never seen them, never interacted
with them, I have no idea, so it would be unfair to me
to make, you know, justa random assessment and spout out a diagnosis

(43:01):
on what may be going on withthem. But they're your friends, or
there are people you know and yourconcerned. Have a conversation with them and
be prepared. They may be defensiveor like I said, they may take
mind your own business. All right, doctor Jefferies, I have these two
emails for you. You ready,system, All right? Here we go.

(43:25):
Our first email from PJ who saidthat doctor Jeffers, you talk about
situations and connection. I would lovefor you to comment on why do people
bash their exes after a breakup.When I talk to anyone and all I
hear are negative terms in relation toa person's ex that's a rig flag for

(43:49):
me. I'm like, well,you were with that person, Why you
talk about them like that while youwere like that? While you were in
a relationship, or were how longwere you in the relationship? Oh?
That long? That? Usually shesays, shuts them up about the X.
It will be interesting to hear aboutwhy people bash their exes after a

(44:15):
relationship. I have a listener,PJ. You know, it could be
in a number of reasons. Itcould be that they they were dumped and
they're defensive about it and feeling vulnerable, and that's how venting and being very
negative about the relationship is how they'redealing with the breakup. Or it could

(44:38):
be that they're angry because the Xdid something that violadies their brooms or agreement
for the relationship, and they're hurtand they're angry and feeling vulnerable, so
they are venting. But the keyis not you know, you're listen for

(45:00):
the pattern if they tell you allof that, because it is a common
question to ask, how many longterm relationships have you been in and why
did your last relationship end. Ifthey tell you one sided scenario like this
person was just a creature from theWest and they did everything to them,

(45:23):
hurt them, blindsided them, didn'ttrust them, and never mention anything that
they did to contribute to those dynamics, then that's a red flag because mature
people, whether they break up withthe person or they are left, after

(45:45):
some point you're able to process andhonestly look if for nobody else but yourself,
to see what happened, what youoverlooked, what part you either should
determine it earlier or dressed it andjust own up to what you did,
so that you cannot say that thatperson was in that relationship by themselves and

(46:10):
you were just a poor little victim. Because at the end of the day,
if that's the way their pattern ofconversation goes, when something goes around
with you and that person, you'regoing to be the villain. And that
means that they are unwilling to probablytake responsibility for any of the arguments,

(46:31):
any of the things that become problemsin the relationship, or they have a
better than thou attitude and they're goingto be a judge and a critic to
everything you do or say or notdo or say. So that's all.
That's a good red flag to consider, and it's a very strong indicator as

(46:52):
to how that person is managing relationship. But even more so while they're still
looking. Okay, thank you sisterfor that email. Here's our next that
was a great one. Here's ournext email. And it says, hello
doctor Jeffries in BEV. And whatdo you and doctor Jeffries think about this?

(47:14):
So here we go doctor Jeffries.Okay, today you and doctor Jeffries
confirmed or thought I have about aguy. I know. We are used
to married men stringing insecure women alongas a side piece, but few men
are strung along as a side pieceto a married woman, especially for a

(47:35):
long time. All those years hesaw that married a married woman as his
wife. His family saw her astheir grandmother, stepmother, etc. Everyone
in the family knew this woman wasmarried, so no Facebook photos, etc.
It was a well known family secret. This same male friend, aged

(47:57):
seventy two, told me as ayoung boy he wanted to kill himself because
his grandmother raised him and not hisparents. For over twenty years he has
been the side piece to a marriedwoman. He actually believed that this married
woman was living with her husband fulltime, was not sleeping with her husband

(48:20):
all those years. The husband wasonly two years younger than my friend and
only six years older than the sixtysix year old wife, so it's not
a case where a young woman wasmarried to an older man. I think
my friend was both insecure because ofhis childhood and stupid to be in a
situation like that for all these years. Doctor jeffries, what do you think,

(48:47):
Well, I think that historically,yeah, there have been many,
many relationships where sometimes two married peoplehave an outside relationship and they stay together
for years and years. There havebeen instances where for whatever reason, one

(49:13):
partner meets the married partner and decide, and they decide or choose that they're
going to have this relationship and ifthat relationship meets the emotional needs, and
in many cases, in those situations, it's more the emotional intimacy that the

(49:36):
people are seeking and that they need. This is the person that they can
be vulnerable with. This is theperson that they can share their needs,
their thoughts. In fact, sometimesthe person who's the outsider knows more about
the married person than the spouse andone thing that you're forgetting. If all

(49:58):
those people, and we know whenthere's always somebody who's going to carry something,
If all those people knew that thisman had pretended or involved with this
woman and beauty her as his wifeall these years, and the husband didn't

(50:21):
know or suspect something we know betterthan that, that is a classic example
of lying, denying, and deceasing. And we've talked about this for over
thirty years. In order for thisto happen, for her to say to
him, I'm with my husband becausehe's sick, because of the children,

(50:44):
because I don't want to hurt him, or I'm just not ready to leave.
But whatever the reason is, youknow, and that person believes it,
you know, then she may belying that that's why she he's there.
He may be lying because he sayshe's willing to accept it, and

(51:05):
he may have resentments. And thenthe denial after you stay so long and
there's a pattern where I don't reallylove him and we live in separate lives,
or whatever that reason is, butthere's a routine, got to be
home by this time. He thinksI'm inquired rehearsal at a group or out

(51:27):
with my friends, I'm with youand blah blah blah, and you accept
that, then somebody's got to denyit. And then the husband at home
has to be willing to lie anddeny whatever is going on, because nobody
who is intimately connected cannot see intheir married life that there's another pattern that

(51:52):
occurs because people are used to beingin routine to have to manage that.
So that person is accept then tobelieve the lies except the denial of what's
going on, and allow himself forherself to be deceived. It's an agreement
between all of these people as longas you play within this scope and I

(52:12):
haven't said anything. He may behoping that his wife is going to let
it go. She may be hopingthat he won't find out, or that
it's not gonna blow up, andthat the other person is never gonna make
a demand on them, And theother person may be deciding that if I
never make a demand, she'll eventuallyleave him. But everybody's fooling everybody else

(52:36):
just to get a piece of whatit is that they want that they say
is helping their lives be okay.And people have done and created these kind
of arrangements for years historically, andeverybody knew about it. Everybody just respected

(52:57):
everybody's role in it, calling somebody'sspouse or driving by the house or running
up to the job. Nobody's doingany of that because whatever they have to
do, the relationship outside and insideboth mean enough that they all agree to
protect both. And it has tobe everybody in agreement in order to work

(53:22):
for years. Okay, No,there's nothing we can say about that,
because you're three consenting adults. Yeah, and we talk about consenting adults.
Yeah, And there's always something elseI always ask, you know. But
the heart is a greedy beast,and what the heart wants. It can

(53:46):
either be normal and be fed atregular intervals and be satisfied, or it
can become ferocious and go through carryingapart the very heart that it is seeking.
So the heart always is going tobe fed one way of the other,

(54:06):
or it's going to destroy because theheart wants. What the heart wants
doesn't necessarily think in terms of thisperson's feelings of that person's feelings. Sometimes
the heart takes over and manages andor destroys everything. What's the piece about,

(54:28):
doctor Jeffers when she mentions that heher male friend said he wanted to
kill himself because his grandmother raised himand not his parents. Could that have
something to do now he's seventy twoyears old, and I'm wondering, you
know that the demons, I don'tknow. I'm just curious now. I
mean I think that you know,there probably was a lot going on with

(54:52):
that gentleman, because he meant hefixated on one person. Yeah, and
what whatever she was giving him,you know, if we wanted to go
really brought in, we could speculatewhatever she was doing for him. Remember
I said it was more of apsychological and emotional attachment that they apparently had

(55:15):
as opposed to a physical intimacy andwhat have you. So she probably nurtured
him. She was a nurturer andshe and he craved that. That would
be my speculation. She nurtured himand that is what he wanted and needed
more. Because most people understand ifyou are if you're involved with somebody who's

(55:42):
married and they are pretending at homethat nothing is going on, they're still
acting like a married couple. Soto tell yourself, I'm the only person
she's being involved with. And thisin twenty years or however long it is.
That's time is the de now.You have to believe that. And

(56:04):
it could be possible that in hisherder parts, the way he viewed her
was the nurturing that he was gettingfor from her. Okay, there was
more powerful than the physical intimacy.Got it, Got it? Thank you
Carolyn for the email. We appreciatethat. Yeah, we're going deep to
this, going deep. I loveit, Doctor Jeffery. Hold on,

(56:27):
doctor Jeffery, We're going deep.I love it. We'll take some more
emails. Hold on, doctor Jeffries. We are talking this day. Topic
of conversation. I love it.Situations, connections and relationships, anything or
anyone holding you back. Five threefive nine three four two is our number

(56:47):
eight hundred and five zero three ninethree four two eight three three five three
five nine three four two will getyou in to us or email me.
Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com.Bev Johnson at iHeartMedia dot com. You're

(57:08):
listening to Double you D I A. You're listening to the Heart and Soul
of Memphis, so Bev Johnson Showexclusively on Double d I A. You're

(58:02):
listening to the Bev Johnson Show.Here's Bev Johnson and going to our phone
lines to talk with David. HiDavid, because I knew my mostudiful African
viouce. Good afternoon, brother,How are you? Oh, my sister?

(58:22):
Hold on, brother, hold on, I'm on, try my best.
Well. I want to entitle thisthe curse of bird Legg. You
know bird eggs that one to callyou. Yeah. Uh, My last
relationship was was the youngest I've everdated age wise between ages, you know,

(58:47):
So I wouldn't say yeah, that'sright. I think I think it
was fifteen years and the one Itold you wanted to watch me leave.
But it wasn't the worst relationship.It wasn't. Most of the time.
It was a good relationship other thanthat one thing. And so I normally
like today, women my age areolder. African American women my age are

(59:08):
older, But I'm finding that youngerladies seem to be attracted to me.
And I have it in my headthat the reason why they're attracted to me,
bell is that they want to droptwo of those blue pills off on
me and I die and they collectthat life issuance. You're right, see

(59:35):
bird leg started that on your show. You remember that? Yeah, see,
and I've had I've had latinas Chineseladies. I haven't had white lately,
but sister and I said, no, I can't do that, couse
they trying to kill me. Soyou look at that? What's that?
What's that show? You look atBell? You say, you look at

(59:58):
fatal attraction? Yeah, yeah,I gotta figure this thing out because my
health is good enough, but Iwant to have a It would be nice
to have a relationship somebody in mylife, you know, from that standpoint.
So Doc, what do I doabout this paranoid? How do I

(01:00:20):
deal with it? All right?David? Thank you, David. Don't
you be laughing at me. Ineed help. You do. Have a
good week. Bye bye? Yeah, Doc, Jeffrey, we know that
David is paranoid. It's not evenparanoid. I told David years ago he

(01:00:45):
was scared. Scared. Oh he'sscared. He's scared fear of being vulnerable.
Oh that's it. Yeah, Itold him that, and it's no
secret because I've told you and severaltimes on the show. So now he's
done to the point where he thinksthe younger women are trying to kill him

(01:01:07):
because he's using blue pills and they'rekeeping him over active, right, or
they want him to use a bluepill? Are they giving it a blue
pills? Okay? Well, thefact the fact that they're telling you you
need the blue pill, they're tellingyou that this is not something that's going
to be stable, right. Andthe reason that he should be scared is

(01:01:30):
that he knows that if you're lookingfor something for a good time, this
may be, you know, theroute that you want. I'm sure that
he might be living the dream ofa lot of mature men. But on
the other hand, and at thispoint, if you're finally acknowledging that you
want a stable mature relationship, youneed a stable mature woman who's willing to

(01:01:58):
work through your fears and fear,vulnerability and all of that to achieve that.
But you can't get that with somebodywho's still growing and searching and seeking
and having fun. And that thisis preaching to the choir. So I'm
gonna say, like you always say, the five, I don't know.

(01:02:22):
I just don't know. But totell you, I hear you, doctor
Jeffers, I don't know, Idon't know. I tell you, all
right, doct Jeffery, is thisemail? I last emails is doctor Jeffers
in bed. I grew up inMemphis, educated in Memphis City School's Memphis

(01:02:43):
State. I've always been a gentleman. I could never find happiness with a
woman in Memphis. I admit Iprefer high yellow women, but I'm not
limited to that. It got sobad I had to leave my hometown.
I want to have me a Memphiswoman, but I always will get my

(01:03:04):
heart broken, Doctor Jeffries, canyou help me figure this out? Back
in the seventies, La Harry he'scalled He has called in and said that
on the air before, because Iremember those almost exact words. Oh okay,
And what I want to say toLa Harry is that it's not Memphis,

(01:03:30):
it's got Memphis, because if itwas just Memphis, if you went
to LA and maybe you dated diversewomen and what have you, but at
the end of the day, fromMemphis to LA, there is only one
you, and you're the one whohas not been able to meet, engage

(01:03:52):
and develop a mature relationship. So, like I told one of the earlier
callers, if you cannot say whatwas going on with you, that you
had to leave your hometown, andnow you want to come back to Memphis
to find you a mature person.First do your work, brother I found

(01:04:14):
like doctor Hopper. Now, firstdo your work, Brothers. Tell the
truth to yourself. What it wasthat you wanted to experience, what you
were seeking, what you were hopingfor outside of Memphis, and why,
And that has to do with you. I'm not judging what or who or
what type of woman you wanted.Only you can say that, And I

(01:04:35):
would suggest seriously, all jokes aside. I would suggest seriously journal it.
Do it for several days, maybeat least three days, and set the
timer for fifteen minutes, and writedown what type of woman you want,
why you couldn't find that woman inMemphis in the beginning, Then on the

(01:04:58):
second why what you were looking forin LA. And then on the third
day, why you couldn't find thewoman you want in LA or Memphis.
And what you have to do withthat, well, yes, that's the
four day. What you have todo with that, because it's not the
women. It is not the women, especially fifty years later, you know

(01:05:23):
it's not the women. And untilyou can come face to face with what
it is that you are seeking andthe reasons that you are seeking this specific
or boarding this specific type of person. It is something in you that you

(01:05:45):
want or hope or believe will befulfilling or be a match for something that
you want to compliment yourself. Andyou need to identify what that is that's
missing in you that this particular womanI'm assuming light skinned in woman or white
female or whatever it is that's yourpreference. And there's no judgment about what

(01:06:10):
your personal taste or preferences in women. But you got to tell the truth
to yourself, you know about whywhy is so specific? Why is not
just the personality or the situation orthe circumstance of meeting somebody in and join
their company and allowing that to flourishto the point that you feel good and

(01:06:31):
happy and expectant when you spend timewith them. What is it that's missing
that you're trying to find in somebodyelse and you cannot find until you identify
what's missing in you. And Ireally do hope that you would do these
exercises and either email belt back orcall in and share that information with it,

(01:06:57):
because I think there are a lotof people that's out their searching and
don't know what it is they're searching. They just know they've got a taste
of something to satisfy a hunger ora need or expectation of what have you.
But they can't quite put that fingeron what it is. They have
an idea, but if you can'trecognize it, you won't know if you've
already found it and lost it.So please do that, and I do

(01:07:23):
sincerely wish you the best of luckin finding what you need to because people
deserve to find the happiness that they'reseeking so that they can meet and engage
and enjoy the love that they need. I promise you that I like it.
Good work today, doctor Jeffries,as we end up wrap up situations,

(01:07:44):
connections and relationships, absolutely beb andyou know, I think we can
be in agreement about there are somesituations that's out there. And I applaud
and commend the colleges who called inand the listeners who emailed you and what
have you and shared because we haveall been in light more today that there's

(01:08:08):
a situation individually that we need toget busy working on, and that we
are more aware of what the communityor the familiar, the family situation is
that we also need to acknowledge.Sounds good. You work today's sister.
I'm proud of you. I earnedmy teeth today, I know. So

(01:08:29):
you can go. You can gorest now. You and Joey all right,
we are Joey. We all andand look forward to next week.
Doctor Jeffries. Absolutely, I'm goingto try to come up with a really
hot topic for next week. Okay, sounds good. I'm okay, all
right, have a good one.Now, I'll talk to you soon.

(01:08:49):
Okay, take care you too.Bye now, bye bye, our psychologists
and mental health specialist Doc to DorothyJeffries. She works hard for us.
Let me get this out because themayor of white Haven told me to tell
y'all. On tomorrow, Mississippi BoulevardChristian Church will have a back to school

(01:09:09):
event at seventy North Bellevue. It'sgonna start at ten am to two pm.
It's the Academy for Youth Empowerment andthey will have a host of free
back to school events starting at tenam to two So come on out and
they're gonna have immunizations, backpacks,all that good stuff, school supplies,

(01:09:32):
gonna have food happening tomorrow ten amto two, so you know how that
goes. Get there early. That'sthe Academy for Youth Empowerment. The mayor
of white Haven told me to telly'all that Miss Hazel Moore. Yeah,
be there tomorrow for the backpack giveawayfood, get your immunizations because school is
getting ready to start, y'all youhear me, So get on over there

(01:09:56):
and don't forget about the food pantryin the morning with Joe burn over there
at Saint Patrick's Church fourth and DoctorMartin Luther King Boulevard. Good week this
week. Thank you callers, Thankyou listeners for joining us this day on
the BEV Johnson Show. We do, we really do appreciate you. So

(01:10:19):
until tomorrow, please be safe.Cap a cool head, y'all, don't
let anyone steal your joy. Untiltomorrow. I'm Bev Johnson and y'all keep
the faith. Mark Baker, takeme home, boyfriend. The views and

(01:10:41):
opinions discussed on The Bev Johnson Showare that of the hosts and callers,
and not those of the staff andsponsors of WDA and ATT