July 31, 2024 • 20 mins
James Murdock, Jr., talks about his experience being part of the DAD Project, a City of Milwaukee Health Department program that works to strengthen the bonds between fathers and their children. Through weekly in-home visits and group sessions, the program supports Milwaukee fathers in engaging in early literacy activities, tracking their child’s development, and building a community of fathers. James is, as he says, a father, his most important job. The DAD Project can be accessed at DAD Project.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mike (00:12):
Welcome, everybody.
This is Avoiding the AddictionAffliction, brought to you by Westwords
Consulting and the Kenosha CountySubstance Use Disorder Coalition.
I'm Mike McGowan.
A little while ago, we had agreat conversation with David
Comer, a supervisor for the DirectAssistance to Dads, or DAD Project.
The DAD Project is a free, voluntaryprogram that connects a fatherhood
(00:33):
involvement specialist from the Cityof Milwaukee's Health Department
with new or expecting fathers, and isthe only home visiting program just
for dads in the state of Wisconsin.
At the end of the conversation,I asked David if one of the dads
would like to have a conversationwith us, and of course, he and our
guest today, James Murdock Jr.,thought it would be a great idea.
(00:55):
James is one of the fathersin the DAD Project program.
Welcome, James.
James (00:59):
Welcome.
Mike (01:01):
Well, I'm so glad you could do this.
Tell us a little bit about how youbecame involved with the DAD Project.
James (01:07):
Well, to be honest, I was basically looking for a change in my
life from being stressed out from mystruggle that I go through every year
where I feel like I'm a failure at life.
So, me doing little researcheson programs and looking for
something to change that cycle.
(01:29):
I was introduced to TonyHiggins, which is my caseworker.
And he helped me by coming in, basicallytelling them what I was going through
and basically giving me advice on,Oh, you came to the great program.
So basically I talked to him andtold him everything I was going
through and everything that I'm goingthrough is not existing no more.
(01:52):
It's basically going way betterthan when I first started.
Mike (01:56):
So talk about that.
What were some of the strugglesyou were going through?
James (02:00):
I was dealing with my mental health, as well as I was dealing with
two kids being born, well, there was twowomen that was pregnant at the same time,
and I had to figure out how am I supposedto do this, I feel like I was alone.
So I'm like, Man, I need somebodyto help me, help me, help me.
So for some reason, I don'tremember how I got Tony Higgin's
(02:22):
number, but I ended up with it.
And it's like, it's been partof my life since I was born.
Like it was meant for me tobe a part of this program.
So when I went there, I told himeverything that I was dealing
with, with two kids on a wayI ain't had kids in 10 years.
So me preparing for twokids by two different women.
(02:44):
I had to figure out like,how am I supposed to do this?
Especially deal with my mental health,especially try to find me a job or start
school or do this and get resourcesfor both kids at the same time.
So Tony Higgins basically helped methroughout the process, introduced
me to other dads and everything elsethat I needed to get me on the road.
And ever since then,I've been doing great.
Mike (03:06):
That's great.
You know, I'll say this upfront.
We do list the information forthe DAD project at the end of the
podcast, because I think sometimesJames, people don't know where to go.
You said you don't remember.
I don't know how you got theinformation, but there's good stuff
out there if we can only find it.
James (03:24):
Uh huh, ya.
Mike (03:26):
When he got you hooked up, what did you expect would happen?
And how did it turn out for you?
I mean, what did you think wouldhappen and what really happened?
James (03:35):
Well, I've been in a lot of programs.
I've been in construction programs.
I've been in other programs wherethey help with getting skills for
construction and stuff like that.
I thought it was just going tobe another dead end program.
Mike (03:50):
Thats a lot of them.
James (03:52):
Yeah, it's not, it's a program that they stick by your side.
They don't give up on you.
They make sure you shine.
So basically I've been with them and whatI expected from them was another dead end.
But what I got from them was a lot.
I'm able to spend more time with my kidsin a way that they know that I'm there.
(04:12):
I'm able to focus on my mentalhealth and deal with my housing
situation as well as dealing witheducation and anything that I need.
I can reach out to my caseworkerand get information on it here.
Help me with it.
So basically, I feellike I got a partnership.
Mike (04:31):
What did you learn that surprised you?
James (04:33):
The fact that this program is all about dads.
Like, all I hear about is this women,Oh, you gotta be a woman, or you
gotta do this, and you gotta do that.
I went through the Women's Care Centerto get help, and during that time, I was
dealing with my child, and she had someissues with her mother and stuff like
(04:56):
that, so she was placed in my custody.
And the Women's CareCenter, they wanted proof.
They wanted me to do this.
They wanted me to do that justto get proof of this child is in
my custody to receive the help.
And I'm like, man, whatother things can I do?
Like what other programs can I do?
So I basically, the DADs Project beenhelping me with any resources that I
(05:18):
need for my kids since they've been born.
Mike (05:21):
How old are your kids now?
James (05:22):
I have a 11 year old that's about to be 11, July 8th.
I have two one year olds, and then Ihave a two month old, and then they all
girls, four girls, and y'all gonna bethe first to know, I got one on the way.
Mike (05:41):
(chuckle) Did you have sisters growing up?
James (05:46):
Yes, I have a twin sister, and I got a little
sister, and I got a big sister.
Mike (05:50):
Well, so at least you knew a little bit about girls.
James (05:53):
Yeah.
It's just, man, I'm waitingon this teenage years.
I'm about to hit the teenage years.
And then all of a sudden Igot two babies, three babies.
So it's like, it was different.
It's different.
Cause I ain't had kids in 10 years.
I'm like, everything changedwith the hospitals and all
the things that you got to do.
(06:13):
Like you got to sign a paper at thehospital, but then again, you got to go to
the courthouse, just establish paternity,all types of things you got to do.
Just because it was different.
Like, my first child, I signeda paternity, and my name was
on the birth certificate.
Mike (06:29):
And now you gotta prove it.
James (06:32):
Yeah.
Mike (06:32):
You know, James, a lot of us, myself included didn't have a dad
while growing up or had a poor one.
And so when I became afather, I'm like, what what?
How do you do this?
Did you, did you havea dad while growing up?
James (06:49):
No, my actual father wasn't around until I was 17.
I was brought up by my motherand I did have a stepfather.
So I kind of knew what it was like tohave a father in my life because my
stepfather stepped up to the plate.
Mike (07:03):
Awesome.
James (07:04):
So my father, he didn't come back till I was 17.
So basically the bond that and him has,I'm fighting for that father son bond.
Mike (07:15):
Yeah.
James (07:16):
I reach out for him.
I try to get that bond.
He go through his ownissues and stuff like that.
I still try to be that fatherbecause I'm a father to my kids.
So I try to keep that father bond sothat way I can know I'm not going to
make this mistake in life or I'm notgoing to make that mistake in life.
I can do better with my life by justunderstanding who he is as a person and
(07:37):
just try to keep that father son bond.
Mike (07:40):
How did the program help your mental health?
James (07:44):
They helped me with this program called.
It's called CCS.
It's a program that they got a teamof people that's working with me.
They helped me with therapy.
I got my own psychiatrist, butthey helped me with therapy.
They helped me with housing.
They helped me with resourcesfor the babies clothes for me.
They helped me with diapers, wipes.
(08:05):
They also helped me withmy education slash work.
They helped me with finding a joband school, which I'm currently
starting school in August.
At MAT for graphic design, soI'm able to have a whole, like,
I feels like I got a community.
I got a support
system more than I did growing up.
(08:25):
Yeah,
Mike (08:26):
I was just going to ask you that.
How much support do you getfrom the other dads and workers?
James (08:32):
I get a lot of encouragement.
A lot of ways to make sacrificesfor our kids from them, different
relationships with the mothers and stuff.
I understand situationsand I can learn from them.
Some of them is older than me.
They way older than me.
Some of them like 40, some ofthem like in their thirties.
I'm in my thirties.
Some of them younger than us startingoff at 18, 17 and stuff like that.
(08:56):
So I get a lot of male figures in my lifethat can be great dads and also learn
from us that we already probably gotexperience, but we also learning from
the younger ones and the older ones.
And the ones in the middle, all thatwe learn from all of them, learning
different ways to deal with differentparents, the mothers, how to deal with
(09:19):
the kids, watching grow
all types of stuff.
Mike (09:24):
I was at an event the other day and there was a bunch of little kids,
they were all cousins sitting around andyou watch them and sometimes you looked
at the parents and the parents are like,I don't have a clue what to do here.
We've all had that feeling, right?
James (09:37):
Yeah.
Mike (09:39):
Do you get together with the other dads?
I know you see your caseworker,but do you ever get together
with, do you have events?
Do you get together with the other dads?
James (09:47):
Yes, the DAD's Project has a meeting every first Thursday of the month.
Except for holidays, unfortunately,July 4th is canceled.
But next month, the first Thursdayof the month, they have meetings
where we could come together.
We could bring our kidsand we can interact.
They bring out people to speak for us.
(10:08):
Like they help with, they bringout people that can help with
like the hunger task force.
They could bring out people that helpswith owning a house instead of renting.
They also provide food andrefreshments there so that our
kids can eat as well as us.
And we just sit there and talk aboutlife or talk about, I mean, the guest
(10:28):
speaker speak and they help us withthings that could be reliable in our life.
Mike (10:34):
Okay.
Now I got to ask you, because since yousaid that, because we're guys, right?
And guys can give eachother the business, right?
And they can be sarcastic.
So did you take any heat or kiddingor sarcasm from guys for being
involved in a program and saying,Hey, I need a little bit of help?
I have one of my friends,
James (10:56):
he didn't want to do it due to the fact that he just, we
got our pies stuck in our butts.
So he rather do it alone.
I'm like, look, they got great benefits.
They help with this, that, and the other.
If you can check it out, just cometo a meeting one month and stuff
like that to see where it goes.
He didn't want to do it.
So I'm like, okay, well.
(11:17):
Other than him, I got a neighborthat lives next door that I'm like,
man, he's struggling with his son.
He got a situation where themother's not around at all and
they can't replace the mother.
So he deal with the child.
So I'm like, look, maybe Icould pitch you, get you to
come to one of these meetings.
And see what they can do for you.
(11:37):
And my caseworker told him tocall him after we went to the zoo.
Cause we went to the zoo on Father's Day.
Mike (11:44):
Awesome.
James (11:46):
Tony Higgins gave us a zoo pass on Father's Day.
Met us up there onFather's Day at the zoo.
And we went to the zoo all day.
I was with all my kids except for one.
We have fun, and he was looking forresources to try to start back working.
And I'm like, well, take mycaseworker number down, call
(12:09):
him tomorrow, and go from there.
He been busy ever since.
I haven't, I barely
see him now.
(laugh)
Mike (12:16):
that's awesome.
Wait, I want to make sure we get this.
Are you telling me yourcaseworker met you on a Sunday?
James (12:24):
Yes.
Mike (12:24):
At the zoo?
James (12:26):
At the zoo.
Mike (12:26):
Okay.
See, that's, yeah, that'sjust, that's incredible.
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
You know, you said something about pride.
I love that.
Pride gets in the way, doesn't it?
James (12:35):
Yes.
Mike (12:36):
Why do we let it get in the way?
Look at how good it can be if you don't.
James (12:40):
Yeah.
Mike (12:41):
Is the training, I think David mentioned that the thing that it's zero
to three, I can't remember exactly, butafter your kids get to a certain age.
What happens then for youall in your support system?
James (12:56):
We still follow through and we, that's why we had a meetings
every month so we can talk and seewhere everybody's standing and see how
everything going in everybody's life.
That's why we have those meetingsevery first of the month.
So that way we can reconnect and seehow things turning out for each other.
Mike (13:14):
Other people going through similar things?
James (13:17):
Some people going through things where they having their first child,
they don't know how to deal with it.
Some people dealing with like me,unfortunately, I'm dealing with two
different mothers for two differentkids that was born at two months apart.
So yeah, everybody dealing with theirown issues and all the things, but
(13:39):
we come together to try to focus onhow can we get out of that situation?
How can we make things better?
How can we come as a communityto help other dads to realize
this program is for us.
Mike (13:53):
Did it change your perception of what being a dad is all about?
James (13:57):
Yes, it actually helped me become more active with my children,
like, I was stressed out, went tothe mental hospital for an outpatient
program and didn't know what to do.
And I'm like, how am I supposedto take care of two kids?
How am I supposed to get diapers, twodifferent diapers for both babies?
How am I supposed to feed them?
(14:18):
How am I supposed to live in one householdand not the other and deal with my kids?
So basically the DADs Project basicallyhelped me with being patient, having
confidence in myself and tryingto better my future for my kids.
And it kept me focused on, all right,I'm I'm about to get this child and I get
this other one, I keep them together andthey gonna love me by just being there.
(14:43):
And I think that is like basicallya person, it's like being a human
being, like it's natural instinctsto, all right, I gotta take care of
these girls, raise them to be queens.
But how do I do thatwhen I don't know how?
So that's why I reach out for help.
I asked my own mother thatraised me my whole life.
(15:04):
Like, look ma, I need help with this.
I need help with that.
She can give me all the advice I can gethelp because I got nothing but girls.
So yeah.
Look, I know who to come to whenmy daughter start having that,
that love thing and stuff come onand stuff like that every month.
So yeah, I'm going tosend it right to my mama.
And that's what I think.
(15:25):
Like my girls always love me byjust being there and supporting
them, giving them encouragement andshowing them that I'm trying my best
to just be there and get y'all thethings that y'all dreamed and love.
Mike (15:41):
You know, and what you just said, you, you turned and you faced distress.
Some people run away from it.
James (15:49):
Uh huh.
Mike (15:49):
And you faced it.
And you probably know this, every timeyou talk about your kids or mention
them, you get a big smile on your face.
James (15:56):
Yeah.
I love my babies.
I love them.
Mike (15:59):
That's just so awesome.
What are you looking forward to now?
James (16:03):
I'm looking forward to basically starting school in August.
I'm going in school for graphic design.
I'm looking forward to gettingmy house and stuff like that.
So that way I can have my own house.
So that way I can have my kids withme without issues with the mothers,
because I'm having an issue with onemother not trying to give me my child
because of the relationship I'm in.
(16:24):
And no matter the relationshipI'm in, it's due to the fact
that she don't like her.
And I'm like, look, you can'tjudge, you can't cancel my visits.
I'm court ordered for my visitsevery weekend to get my daughter.
And some weekends I do havemy two one year olds together.
(16:45):
And I try to keep that bond so thatway they can grow up with each other.
They like, they ain't seeneach other in like two weeks.
I've just got my oldest one year oldSaturday, even though it was a day late.
I got her Saturday.
My other daughter seen her sister andthey hugged, they gave each other hugs.
I'm like, oh my god!
I wish I could have got it onpicture, but it was just the moment
(17:07):
that I was just seeing I'm likedo these kids love each other.
They really do cuz ain't no way theywanted to hug each other I have one in
my arms and she's seen her and I'm likethey had their hands I like yeah, and
then I put him close and they hugged eachother and kissed each other on the cheek.
Mike (17:23):
Can you imagine those two half sisters when they're two
and three and four years old?
James (17:27):
Yes, they're going to be trouble.
Mike (17:28):
(laugh) Well, yeah, for you, they're going to love each other though.
What would you tell other dads of youngchildren about the importance of dads?
James (17:40):
I would tell them that
basically, being there and tryingto show your kids that you are
there is more than not being there.
It's a better chance that they can livea successful life and be brought up right
by just being there and being involved.
Like, it would help with these kidsas a community, we step up as fathers
(18:05):
to be there for our kids instead ofletting somebody else raise our kids.
It's harder for the motherto raise them by themself.
It takes more than just the motherand the father, from my perspective,
it takes more than a fatherand a mother to raise a child.
It takes a community to raise a child.
(18:25):
So I basically want other dads toknow that this is a great program.
If you come here, they can helpyou with anything and everything.
They might not be able to help you afterday one, but over time they will be able
to help you and get you to the positionwhere you, you know that yo, that you
(18:46):
know that you're in a good position tobe there for your kids instead of doing
something that you ain't supposed todo or doing things that can harm your
life or put your kids in the positionwhere they can't see their father.
I think it's best to basically, step upas a father, step up as a dad to be there.
Mike (19:12):
That's awesome.
And you're paying it forward, James.
You know, there's a, you're doingthis, you've mentioned just in this
conversation, talking to two orthree other men about the program.
So, you know, that's the wayinformation gets out, right?
James (19:26):
Yes.
Mike (19:28):
Amazing.
I'm so glad you took the time to dothis with us today and I wanted to
focus on the program because we, wefocus a lot on little subgroups and
there are groups that are underserved.
And you mentioned it.
You mentioned it when youwent through the court system.
And so we greatly appreciate it.
And all of your sharing andbeing a dad several times over.
(19:52):
For those of you who are listening, thereis information about the DAD Project.
Now, we're, we go all overthe world with this podcast.
So just because you're not inWisconsin or the city of Milwaukee
doesn't mean you can't duplicate whatwe just saw here if your community
doesn't have a program like this.
It's incredibly successful, whichis why we put the links in there.
Until then, until we talk to you again,we hope that you're able to listen again.
(20:16):
We hope that you all stay safe andbe involved in your kid's life.
Welcome, everybody.
This is Avoiding the AddictionAffliction, brought to you by Westwords
Consulting and the Kenosha CountySubstance Use Disorder Coalition.
I'm Mike McGowan.
A little while ago, we had agreat conversation with David
Comer, a supervisor for the DirectAssistance to Dads, or DAD Project.
The DAD Project is a free, voluntaryprogram that connects a fatherhood
(00:33):
involvement specialist from the Cityof Milwaukee's Health Department
with new or expecting fathers, and isthe only home visiting program just
for dads in the state of Wisconsin.
At the end of the conversation,I asked David if one of the dads
would like to have a conversationwith us, and of course, he and our
guest today, James Murdock Jr.,thought it would be a great idea.
(00:55):
James is one of the fathersin the DAD Project program.
Welcome, James.
James (00:59):
Welcome.
Mike (01:01):
Well, I'm so glad you could do this.
Tell us a little bit about how youbecame involved with the DAD Project.
James (01:07):
Well, to be honest, I was basically looking for a change in my
life from being stressed out from mystruggle that I go through every year
where I feel like I'm a failure at life.
So, me doing little researcheson programs and looking for
something to change that cycle.
(01:29):
I was introduced to TonyHiggins, which is my caseworker.
And he helped me by coming in, basicallytelling them what I was going through
and basically giving me advice on,Oh, you came to the great program.
So basically I talked to him andtold him everything I was going
through and everything that I'm goingthrough is not existing no more.
(01:52):
It's basically going way betterthan when I first started.
Mike (01:56):
So talk about that.
What were some of the strugglesyou were going through?
James (02:00):
I was dealing with my mental health, as well as I was dealing with
two kids being born, well, there was twowomen that was pregnant at the same time,
and I had to figure out how am I supposedto do this, I feel like I was alone.
So I'm like, Man, I need somebodyto help me, help me, help me.
So for some reason, I don'tremember how I got Tony Higgin's
(02:22):
number, but I ended up with it.
And it's like, it's been partof my life since I was born.
Like it was meant for me tobe a part of this program.
So when I went there, I told himeverything that I was dealing
with, with two kids on a wayI ain't had kids in 10 years.
So me preparing for twokids by two different women.
(02:44):
I had to figure out like,how am I supposed to do this?
Especially deal with my mental health,especially try to find me a job or start
school or do this and get resourcesfor both kids at the same time.
So Tony Higgins basically helped methroughout the process, introduced
me to other dads and everything elsethat I needed to get me on the road.
And ever since then,I've been doing great.
Mike (03:06):
That's great.
You know, I'll say this upfront.
We do list the information forthe DAD project at the end of the
podcast, because I think sometimesJames, people don't know where to go.
You said you don't remember.
I don't know how you got theinformation, but there's good stuff
out there if we can only find it.
James (03:24):
Uh huh, ya.
Mike (03:26):
When he got you hooked up, what did you expect would happen?
And how did it turn out for you?
I mean, what did you think wouldhappen and what really happened?
James (03:35):
Well, I've been in a lot of programs.
I've been in construction programs.
I've been in other programs wherethey help with getting skills for
construction and stuff like that.
I thought it was just going tobe another dead end program.
Mike (03:50):
Thats a lot of them.
James (03:52):
Yeah, it's not, it's a program that they stick by your side.
They don't give up on you.
They make sure you shine.
So basically I've been with them and whatI expected from them was another dead end.
But what I got from them was a lot.
I'm able to spend more time with my kidsin a way that they know that I'm there.
(04:12):
I'm able to focus on my mentalhealth and deal with my housing
situation as well as dealing witheducation and anything that I need.
I can reach out to my caseworkerand get information on it here.
Help me with it.
So basically, I feellike I got a partnership.
Mike (04:31):
What did you learn that surprised you?
James (04:33):
The fact that this program is all about dads.
Like, all I hear about is this women,Oh, you gotta be a woman, or you
gotta do this, and you gotta do that.
I went through the Women's Care Centerto get help, and during that time, I was
dealing with my child, and she had someissues with her mother and stuff like
(04:56):
that, so she was placed in my custody.
And the Women's CareCenter, they wanted proof.
They wanted me to do this.
They wanted me to do that justto get proof of this child is in
my custody to receive the help.
And I'm like, man, whatother things can I do?
Like what other programs can I do?
So I basically, the DADs Project beenhelping me with any resources that I
(05:18):
need for my kids since they've been born.
Mike (05:21):
How old are your kids now?
James (05:22):
I have a 11 year old that's about to be 11, July 8th.
I have two one year olds, and then Ihave a two month old, and then they all
girls, four girls, and y'all gonna bethe first to know, I got one on the way.
Mike (05:41):
(chuckle) Did you have sisters growing up?
James (05:46):
Yes, I have a twin sister, and I got a little
sister, and I got a big sister.
Mike (05:50):
Well, so at least you knew a little bit about girls.
James (05:53):
Yeah.
It's just, man, I'm waitingon this teenage years.
I'm about to hit the teenage years.
And then all of a sudden Igot two babies, three babies.
So it's like, it was different.
It's different.
Cause I ain't had kids in 10 years.
I'm like, everything changedwith the hospitals and all
the things that you got to do.
(06:13):
Like you got to sign a paper at thehospital, but then again, you got to go to
the courthouse, just establish paternity,all types of things you got to do.
Just because it was different.
Like, my first child, I signeda paternity, and my name was
on the birth certificate.
Mike (06:29):
And now you gotta prove it.
James (06:32):
Yeah.
Mike (06:32):
You know, James, a lot of us, myself included didn't have a dad
while growing up or had a poor one.
And so when I became afather, I'm like, what what?
How do you do this?
Did you, did you havea dad while growing up?
James (06:49):
No, my actual father wasn't around until I was 17.
I was brought up by my motherand I did have a stepfather.
So I kind of knew what it was like tohave a father in my life because my
stepfather stepped up to the plate.
Mike (07:03):
Awesome.
James (07:04):
So my father, he didn't come back till I was 17.
So basically the bond that and him has,I'm fighting for that father son bond.
Mike (07:15):
Yeah.
James (07:16):
I reach out for him.
I try to get that bond.
He go through his ownissues and stuff like that.
I still try to be that fatherbecause I'm a father to my kids.
So I try to keep that father bond sothat way I can know I'm not going to
make this mistake in life or I'm notgoing to make that mistake in life.
I can do better with my life by justunderstanding who he is as a person and
(07:37):
just try to keep that father son bond.
Mike (07:40):
How did the program help your mental health?
James (07:44):
They helped me with this program called.
It's called CCS.
It's a program that they got a teamof people that's working with me.
They helped me with therapy.
I got my own psychiatrist, butthey helped me with therapy.
They helped me with housing.
They helped me with resourcesfor the babies clothes for me.
They helped me with diapers, wipes.
(08:05):
They also helped me withmy education slash work.
They helped me with finding a joband school, which I'm currently
starting school in August.
At MAT for graphic design, soI'm able to have a whole, like,
I feels like I got a community.
I got a support
system more than I did growing up.
(08:25):
Yeah,
Mike (08:26):
I was just going to ask you that.
How much support do you getfrom the other dads and workers?
James (08:32):
I get a lot of encouragement.
A lot of ways to make sacrificesfor our kids from them, different
relationships with the mothers and stuff.
I understand situationsand I can learn from them.
Some of them is older than me.
They way older than me.
Some of them like 40, some ofthem like in their thirties.
I'm in my thirties.
Some of them younger than us startingoff at 18, 17 and stuff like that.
(08:56):
So I get a lot of male figures in my lifethat can be great dads and also learn
from us that we already probably gotexperience, but we also learning from
the younger ones and the older ones.
And the ones in the middle, all thatwe learn from all of them, learning
different ways to deal with differentparents, the mothers, how to deal with
(09:19):
the kids, watching grow
all types of stuff.
Mike (09:24):
I was at an event the other day and there was a bunch of little kids,
they were all cousins sitting around andyou watch them and sometimes you looked
at the parents and the parents are like,I don't have a clue what to do here.
We've all had that feeling, right?
James (09:37):
Yeah.
Mike (09:39):
Do you get together with the other dads?
I know you see your caseworker,but do you ever get together
with, do you have events?
Do you get together with the other dads?
James (09:47):
Yes, the DAD's Project has a meeting every first Thursday of the month.
Except for holidays, unfortunately,July 4th is canceled.
But next month, the first Thursdayof the month, they have meetings
where we could come together.
We could bring our kidsand we can interact.
They bring out people to speak for us.
(10:08):
Like they help with, they bringout people that can help with
like the hunger task force.
They could bring out people that helpswith owning a house instead of renting.
They also provide food andrefreshments there so that our
kids can eat as well as us.
And we just sit there and talk aboutlife or talk about, I mean, the guest
(10:28):
speaker speak and they help us withthings that could be reliable in our life.
Mike (10:34):
Okay.
Now I got to ask you, because since yousaid that, because we're guys, right?
And guys can give eachother the business, right?
And they can be sarcastic.
So did you take any heat or kiddingor sarcasm from guys for being
involved in a program and saying,Hey, I need a little bit of help?
I have one of my friends,
James (10:56):
he didn't want to do it due to the fact that he just, we
got our pies stuck in our butts.
So he rather do it alone.
I'm like, look, they got great benefits.
They help with this, that, and the other.
If you can check it out, just cometo a meeting one month and stuff
like that to see where it goes.
He didn't want to do it.
So I'm like, okay, well.
(11:17):
Other than him, I got a neighborthat lives next door that I'm like,
man, he's struggling with his son.
He got a situation where themother's not around at all and
they can't replace the mother.
So he deal with the child.
So I'm like, look, maybe Icould pitch you, get you to
come to one of these meetings.
And see what they can do for you.
(11:37):
And my caseworker told him tocall him after we went to the zoo.
Cause we went to the zoo on Father's Day.
Mike (11:44):
Awesome.
James (11:46):
Tony Higgins gave us a zoo pass on Father's Day.
Met us up there onFather's Day at the zoo.
And we went to the zoo all day.
I was with all my kids except for one.
We have fun, and he was looking forresources to try to start back working.
And I'm like, well, take mycaseworker number down, call
(12:09):
him tomorrow, and go from there.
He been busy ever since.
I haven't, I barely
see him now.
(laugh)
Mike (12:16):
that's awesome.
Wait, I want to make sure we get this.
Are you telling me yourcaseworker met you on a Sunday?
James (12:24):
Yes.
Mike (12:24):
At the zoo?
James (12:26):
At the zoo.
Mike (12:26):
Okay.
See, that's, yeah, that'sjust, that's incredible.
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
You know, you said something about pride.
I love that.
Pride gets in the way, doesn't it?
James (12:35):
Yes.
Mike (12:36):
Why do we let it get in the way?
Look at how good it can be if you don't.
James (12:40):
Yeah.
Mike (12:41):
Is the training, I think David mentioned that the thing that it's zero
to three, I can't remember exactly, butafter your kids get to a certain age.
What happens then for youall in your support system?
James (12:56):
We still follow through and we, that's why we had a meetings
every month so we can talk and seewhere everybody's standing and see how
everything going in everybody's life.
That's why we have those meetingsevery first of the month.
So that way we can reconnect and seehow things turning out for each other.
Mike (13:14):
Other people going through similar things?
James (13:17):
Some people going through things where they having their first child,
they don't know how to deal with it.
Some people dealing with like me,unfortunately, I'm dealing with two
different mothers for two differentkids that was born at two months apart.
So yeah, everybody dealing with theirown issues and all the things, but
(13:39):
we come together to try to focus onhow can we get out of that situation?
How can we make things better?
How can we come as a communityto help other dads to realize
this program is for us.
Mike (13:53):
Did it change your perception of what being a dad is all about?
James (13:57):
Yes, it actually helped me become more active with my children,
like, I was stressed out, went tothe mental hospital for an outpatient
program and didn't know what to do.
And I'm like, how am I supposedto take care of two kids?
How am I supposed to get diapers, twodifferent diapers for both babies?
How am I supposed to feed them?
(14:18):
How am I supposed to live in one householdand not the other and deal with my kids?
So basically the DADs Project basicallyhelped me with being patient, having
confidence in myself and tryingto better my future for my kids.
And it kept me focused on, all right,I'm I'm about to get this child and I get
this other one, I keep them together andthey gonna love me by just being there.
(14:43):
And I think that is like basicallya person, it's like being a human
being, like it's natural instinctsto, all right, I gotta take care of
these girls, raise them to be queens.
But how do I do thatwhen I don't know how?
So that's why I reach out for help.
I asked my own mother thatraised me my whole life.
(15:04):
Like, look ma, I need help with this.
I need help with that.
She can give me all the advice I can gethelp because I got nothing but girls.
So yeah.
Look, I know who to come to whenmy daughter start having that,
that love thing and stuff come onand stuff like that every month.
So yeah, I'm going tosend it right to my mama.
And that's what I think.
(15:25):
Like my girls always love me byjust being there and supporting
them, giving them encouragement andshowing them that I'm trying my best
to just be there and get y'all thethings that y'all dreamed and love.
Mike (15:41):
You know, and what you just said, you, you turned and you faced distress.
Some people run away from it.
James (15:49):
Uh huh.
Mike (15:49):
And you faced it.
And you probably know this, every timeyou talk about your kids or mention
them, you get a big smile on your face.
James (15:56):
Yeah.
I love my babies.
I love them.
Mike (15:59):
That's just so awesome.
What are you looking forward to now?
James (16:03):
I'm looking forward to basically starting school in August.
I'm going in school for graphic design.
I'm looking forward to gettingmy house and stuff like that.
So that way I can have my own house.
So that way I can have my kids withme without issues with the mothers,
because I'm having an issue with onemother not trying to give me my child
because of the relationship I'm in.
(16:24):
And no matter the relationshipI'm in, it's due to the fact
that she don't like her.
And I'm like, look, you can'tjudge, you can't cancel my visits.
I'm court ordered for my visitsevery weekend to get my daughter.
And some weekends I do havemy two one year olds together.
(16:45):
And I try to keep that bond so thatway they can grow up with each other.
They like, they ain't seeneach other in like two weeks.
I've just got my oldest one year oldSaturday, even though it was a day late.
I got her Saturday.
My other daughter seen her sister andthey hugged, they gave each other hugs.
I'm like, oh my god!
I wish I could have got it onpicture, but it was just the moment
(17:07):
that I was just seeing I'm likedo these kids love each other.
They really do cuz ain't no way theywanted to hug each other I have one in
my arms and she's seen her and I'm likethey had their hands I like yeah, and
then I put him close and they hugged eachother and kissed each other on the cheek.
Mike (17:23):
Can you imagine those two half sisters when they're two
and three and four years old?
James (17:27):
Yes, they're going to be trouble.
Mike (17:28):
(laugh) Well, yeah, for you, they're going to love each other though.
What would you tell other dads of youngchildren about the importance of dads?
James (17:40):
I would tell them that
basically, being there and tryingto show your kids that you are
there is more than not being there.
It's a better chance that they can livea successful life and be brought up right
by just being there and being involved.
Like, it would help with these kidsas a community, we step up as fathers
(18:05):
to be there for our kids instead ofletting somebody else raise our kids.
It's harder for the motherto raise them by themself.
It takes more than just the motherand the father, from my perspective,
it takes more than a fatherand a mother to raise a child.
It takes a community to raise a child.
(18:25):
So I basically want other dads toknow that this is a great program.
If you come here, they can helpyou with anything and everything.
They might not be able to help you afterday one, but over time they will be able
to help you and get you to the positionwhere you, you know that yo, that you
(18:46):
know that you're in a good position tobe there for your kids instead of doing
something that you ain't supposed todo or doing things that can harm your
life or put your kids in the positionwhere they can't see their father.
I think it's best to basically, step upas a father, step up as a dad to be there.
Mike (19:12):
That's awesome.
And you're paying it forward, James.
You know, there's a, you're doingthis, you've mentioned just in this
conversation, talking to two orthree other men about the program.
So, you know, that's the wayinformation gets out, right?
James (19:26):
Yes.
Mike (19:28):
Amazing.
I'm so glad you took the time to dothis with us today and I wanted to
focus on the program because we, wefocus a lot on little subgroups and
there are groups that are underserved.
And you mentioned it.
You mentioned it when youwent through the court system.
And so we greatly appreciate it.
And all of your sharing andbeing a dad several times over.
(19:52):
For those of you who are listening, thereis information about the DAD Project.
Now, we're, we go all overthe world with this podcast.
So just because you're not inWisconsin or the city of Milwaukee
doesn't mean you can't duplicate whatwe just saw here if your community
doesn't have a program like this.
It's incredibly successful, whichis why we put the links in there.
Until then, until we talk to you again,we hope that you're able to listen again.
(20:16):
We hope that you all stay safe andbe involved in your kid's life.
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