May 22, 2025 • 23 mins
Nick talks about eating healthy, content engagement is out of control, and reality tv
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Still speaking that that should not have made it to
the rest of us. This is inside thoughts.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Check check check. Welcome back to inside thoughts. Thank you
for pressing play.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
We'll get those down load numbers back up. Go ahead
like and subscribe, gonna act like a content creator. I
can subscribe the channel brow need it. Gotta make it
out of my mom's basement.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Or my uh in my case right now, my mom's attic,
my mother's addict. I'm up there, but I'll uh, I'll
be back in my own place, in a new anew
my own place in a couple of weeks, so it'll
be all right, It'll be all right. I hope you're
doing good, though. I hope you're doing better than me,
(00:56):
because I uh I recently I had to wait on
fast food. And I'll tell you what, as soon as
you have to wait on fast food, you've lost Like
we're like me and Amy were driving to Indianapolis. We
stopped on the way to get a McDonald's, you know,
something quick. Right, as soon as I go up and
(01:19):
pay at the first window, I'm thinking, okay, I'm going
to the second window getting my food fast food, knocking
it out, not thinking about it. Boom. I pull up
to go, Oh, excuse me, You're gonna have to wait
on your order? Can you please pull around? Like fuck?
As soon as you have to wait for your fast food,
you've lost Like you make me pay first and then
(01:42):
I gotta wait? Fuck it, Just give me my money back.
I'm not waiting on fast food. You've ruined the whole
purpose of what this was supposed to be. Now I'm
sitting in my car, I'm thinking about my decisions. That's
not what I wanted to do with fast food. You know,
you need to stop a take before you act if
you want to be a good person. No, I want
to have knee jerk reactions and go off the first
(02:05):
dumb thought I have. Hey, give me a number seven.
I want two cheeseburgers a fry, and I will take
that sprite please as soon as you make me think
about the consequences. It makes me feel guilty and I
don't like that. And now spend twenty bucks to get
food that I shouldn't have anyway, fast food Making me wait, bro,
like that shouldn't be a thing they should tell you
(02:26):
when you pull up. Hey, kitchen's backed up right now,
we're running behind on Pink Slime. Our Pink Slime guy
didn't show up for work today. He was like doing
meth or something, so he got in, Wait, we're running
behind on Pink Slime. We can't make your hamburgers and
your chicken nuggets. It's gonna be ten to fifteen minutes.
You still want this, then you go, obviously no, I'll
(02:48):
go have an apple because now I'm having like post
food clarity whatever. You know that version of post nut
clarity is, I don't I don't want the poison anymore.
I'm trying to eat healthy if I'm not on a
road trip or drinking or two ways to make food,
you know what I mean. Like, I'm trying to eat healthy.
(03:09):
That's what me and my girl doing, trying to trying
to eat healthy. And that basically just means you have
dog food for every meal that you have. Would you
liked beef and rice? Would you like chicken and vegetables?
I see dogs on TikTok that eat better than me.
(03:31):
Still the same healthy food. You can eat healthy. You
just have to know what you're making. I'm not a
good cook, dude, I'm gonna be eating ground beef and
rice like that's that's what it. Well, you gotta make
it some starch. Where are your carbs at? Yeah? I
throw in some potatoes, man, and I'm gonna have a
handful of blueberries. Get my fruit. I have a stick
(03:51):
of celery. Life's not do you do you hear how
angry I am? It's because I eating healthy food. It
like put you on edge. Like one of my buddies
is roll into eating healthy food. He's one of these
people like when he's doing something to better himself, he
has to tell like all his people about it, anybody
(04:12):
he knows. He's like, hey, you're living life wrong. Let
me tell you how I'm doing it. You're like, okay,
I'll listen, and like ninety percent of the time you're
like shut up, right, because anytime someone tries to tell
you something like that they're doing to better themselves, you're like,
shut up, dude. Well, let me get through my Wednesday
without feeling like a sack of shit. Okay, Can I
(04:34):
do that? Can I just be me without you letting
me know that you're better than me? Well, actually, I've
taken twenty seven minutes out of my day to meditate
and think about my wife decisions. What have you done today.
I sat in McDonald's for fifteen minutes waiting on a
number seven. You're killing it, bro, leave me alone. But
(04:57):
every once in a while, you know, he's got some
good ideas. So he was telling me about this this
app that like let you scan all the food that
you buy. Like it's called Yuka y Uka Download. I
have it, so every time I go to the store,
you just like open it up. It's free. You scan
(05:19):
the barcode of whatever food you're getting, and it gives
you like a score out of one hundred of how
healthy it is. And shocker, most of the food you
get is terrible for you. Like it'll just say, well,
this is a fifteen out of one hundred. This is
a poor score, and you go look up why and
it's never like because of the amount of sugar or
salt in it. It just like brings up the additives
(05:42):
that are in this food that you're eating. Like I
thought Gatorade was healthy, dude, Like that's how stupid I am,
you know what I mean. I'm like, Well, when I
was a kid, I saw the commercial Michael Jordan and
Derek Jeter drank it. There were athletes they're sweat turned blue.
That normal. So I thought Gatoray was healthy. I go
(06:06):
scan Gatorade. Hey, guess what? Not healthy? You knew that
you're a smart person, but like even like Cereal, you know,
like Cereal kid eat cheerios. You're like, hey, it's good
for heart health. Even the honey nut cheerio. The bee
comes out, He's like, oh, you gotta have some honey
nut cheerios if you don't want a heart attack. Remember
that commercial. I thought cheerios were healthy. I went scanned.
(06:28):
It's like a thirty seven out of one hundred. It's
not healthy. You go check what all the additives are,
and they're like words you can't pronounce. So you go
look it up, you know, you throw it into chat
GPT because you're lazy. It's twenty twenty five. I'm not
googling shit anymore. I throw everything in the chat GPT.
I'm like, hey, robot, tell me about this additive. And
(06:49):
guess what. All the additives all they do is make cancer.
And you're like, can I just have food that tastes
good that is not gonna kill me in fifteen years? Ope?
So I found this, Like the cool thing about this
Yuka app is it like when you scan something that's bad,
it'll like give you an alternative that's much more healthy.
(07:12):
So I was like, I'm gonna be healthy. I like cereal,
I'm gonna get cheerios. I scanned it. Cheerios are gonna
give you cancer in twenty years. So I was like, Okay,
no cheerios. What's the alternative? And it was like this
weird cereal called like kia or chia, I don't even
know what it's called, but it had an eighty seven
(07:35):
out of one hundred score. There was just too much
salt in it or something. So I was like, Okay,
this is healthy. I can get this. I like, I'm
eating this cereal. And the thing about healthy food is
it sucks, dude. This cereal is literally what I imagine
they feed horses. It's just oats. There's sticks in this cereal.
(08:00):
And I know you're thinking, hey, Nick, why are you
being so aggressive right now. It's because if you want
to eat healthy, you have to go outside to the
tree in your backyard, break off a branch and nibble
on it. And if you nibble the whole branch, you're
gonna get fat because that's too many serving sizes. Man,
Why does all the food have to kill you? I
just want to eat food that doesn't tastes like shit.
(08:22):
So now I'm eating this cereal that you know, mister
Ed was eating with sticks in it, and I'm just
telling my brain, this is the cereal we eat now,
this is good. This is what we eat now. Don't
taste good, but I'm eating it. Some healthys. I want
to live longer. I want to experience four hundred more
Wednesdays or however many more. What are we doing? You know?
(08:46):
That's what my great uncle used to say. There's two
types of people. There's people that are fat and happy
and there's hungry people. And I was like, you know what,
starting to get it, starting to get it makes sense.
This Yuka app though, it's funny, like you can scan
anything and it'll like give up, give you the score
for it. But like some things like obscure things that
(09:10):
are like your grocery stores own brand, they might not
have in there, but it has everything. So like I
was drinking a Mick Ultra and I just scanned the
barcode on that souse. I was like, I wonder how
bad beer is for me? Like I know it's bad, right,
but it's beer. So I want to know, like, hey,
give me at least give me like a forty five
(09:32):
out of one hundred, because that's not terrible. Right, We've
all gotten a forty five out of one hundred on tests.
You can still pass the class later, you just got
to study harder before the end of the semester. Right
Like early in the semester, you don't study for a
math test. You're just going there try and wing it. Like, hey,
(09:52):
I was in a target class when I was in
fourth grade. I can probably knock out algebra two tests
without studying, and you get a forty five out of
and that's when you realize you have to walk in
and actually start doing some flash cards. You know, maybe
ask the teacher for like some study package, whatever you
gotta do. But you walk in, you get a C
(10:13):
plus you go on to the next grade. That's how
I'm attacking my nutrition right now. So I'm hoping when
I scan this mic ultra, I get a forty five
out of one hundred, the Yuka app says, And I
wrote it down because it was it just pissed me off.
The Yuka app when I scanned it came up with
a little message that says we don't check alcohol, but
(10:37):
you already know what you're doing, and it threw a
little smiley face at the end. It was like, hey, Yuka,
fuck you, dude. I don't like I get enough attitude
from real people. I don't need apps giving me a
little cunty personality, you know what I mean. It's serving
cunt No, just just say you don't rate alcohol. You
don't need to give me, like the smiley face with
(10:59):
the tongue hanging out, like you know what you're doing,
your lever is gonna be gone. Don't do that. I'm
just saying, like all the all the contents getting a
little out of control here, Like sorry, I spit my
dip up. I know those gross probably shouldn't be doing that.
Hey Nick, you're trying to eat healthy, but you're still dipping. Yeah,
(11:21):
I know. Listen, I'm a hypocrite. You are too. Don't
judge me. Huh. Get a little water real quick. See
I balance it out. I had water out of a
plastic bottle that probably has cancer, and yeah, I'm gonna
die soon whatever anyway, So content's just getting out of control,
(11:42):
like everybody has to be in the content business now,
like content used to just be for people who actually
had something to say, or it was a little different,
you know what I mean, Like businesses didn't do content.
Everybody didn't have a podcast. Hey Nick you yeah, no, relax,
(12:02):
But did you see that story about this company that's
doing the Jurassic Park stuff. They're like finding fossilized DNA
and bringing back dead animals like that. That company's bringing
dire wolves back. They're like, hey, we know you've been
(12:22):
asking for dire wolves. You love Game of Thrones. Well
we got them. Well they posted that thing saying hey,
mem and Coco or whatever they name those two stupid wolves,
they're back. They're dire wolves. And they said, give us
suggestions and the comments of what animal you'd like us
(12:44):
to bring back next. No, dude, you guys making zombie animals.
You don't need a farm for engagement.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
He he, Drop us what you want us to bring
back and we'll see what we can do.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Dropping the comments like and share. No, either be serious
or not off. You don't get to do that for
the wolls, dude, you know what I mean? Like, farming
for engagement is a goofy thing to have to do.
You like, not everybody has to do it. Bro, I
don't need the Department of Defense, Like, hey, drop a comment,
(13:18):
who should we bomb next? Somebody's got to be serious, dude,
you know what I mean. Like, it's one thing if
you know, like Eminem's is tweeting like, hey, what flavor
of Eminem's or what nuts should we put in the
next green Eminem? Like that kind of stuff. Okay, we're
(13:39):
not taking Eminem seriously. But if you're doing actual serious stuff,
if you're bringing back dead animals, don't be like, hey,
do you want to see a velociraptor. No, I don't.
Don't do that. You guys are being serious. Act serious,
Act like adults.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
Bro, drop a comment, let me know, let me know
what you want to talk about the next podcast.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
Don't do that, dude. Like somebody has to be serious.
It's not gonna be me. I'm not gonna be the
serious one. I like having, you know, a dumb job
that done. Matt. I liked talking about nothing. I'm not
in a lab with beakers trying to, you know, find
(14:23):
some mosquito from the Cretaceous period to suck out its DNA.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
It's like, oh, well, this fly caught the fart residue
of a stegosaurus. We're gonna take that, We're gonna bring
it back, or we're gonna give you a stake something.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
You don't get the farm for engagement, bro, Content creators
have ruined the Internet. I'm sick of it. But calm down.
I like, I had a good night. I uh went
tried out some new jokes. They went relatively well. So
hopefully in a couple of months I'll have like a
new ten minutes you know what I mean. It's it's
(14:56):
the grind, bro. It's tough though, Like when you're just
like out at open mics and you're just bullshit with
other comedians, like there's nothing worse then when you're talking
to other comedians and especially like people you don't know,
(15:20):
and they're like trying to run bits by you and
you're like, dude, don't do that to me, Like just wait,
wait till you get on stage, like can we have
an actual conversation. They'll just be running bits by you
and Mike am I even like are you looking me
in the eyes or you just like remembering the stuff
that you just wrote down you're talking to me, don't
do that. And then like when when you're talking to
(15:45):
like your actual friends and you tell them that you
do stand up, everything you have to say has got
to be the funniest, most well thought out thing, or
they're like, oh, just what you're doing, Like I can't
just say dumb shit anymore. Like there's nothing worse than
saying something that you think is funny and somebody just
(16:05):
giving you a fifth pump for it, Like, yeah, I'm
gonna acknowledge that you tried, but no, that was terrible.
Like I was. I was out at stand up and
I was talking to a couple of my buddies and
there was like somebody brought a baby into a bar,
which insane, So got to talk about it, right, somebody
brought a baby into a bar. It's nine o'clock, that
(16:25):
baby is asleep, go home, you know what I mean? Like,
you guys need to be better parents. You're at an
open mic, Like it's not like you're like seeing Dave Chappelle. Right,
you're out here for free. Take that baby home, go
be good pairs. So there's a baby in the crowd
and we all saw it started talking about it, and
(16:45):
I was just joking around. I was like, yeah, probably
gonna do some crowd work on that baby hit it
with some Google guy guy right right, just you know,
being a dick. My buddy just goes nice, gives me
a fist pump. I was like, Okay, I'll go home
and kill myself. Don't don't do that. Either tell me
it wasn't funny, or just ignore it, don't acknowledge it.
(17:06):
Like yeah, no, I respect the effort. I like the attempt.
It's ridiculous. I also like going to open mics. It's
funny because there's like a there's like a weird dynamic
of an open mic night for like comedians that come
through and do it all the time, because like you
(17:27):
have comedians that like actually get paid money to do
it and they're coming to you know, work out new stuff.
And then you also have like the brand new people
who are like, yeah, I want to try this, I
want to do it, blah blah blah. It's like a
it's a weird dynamic. And a lot of the people
(17:47):
that think they're really good or like haven't bombed or
I don't know, just don't have any self awareness. When
they go try a new joke, they tell you it's
a new joke after it bombs and like, don't do that,
like you're looking for a bailout. Like I was watching
(18:07):
this guy, you know, he's been doing good and he
went up and he tried a new joke and it
just bombed, and it's fine. Like sometimes you're gonna have
an idea where you're like, I think this is hilarious,
and then you go up and nobody laughs and you
just gotta go, well, maybe I told that wrong. Maybe
(18:29):
I could punch it up a little bit. You give it,
like you give a new bit, like a month, and
if it doesn't seem like it's working at all, you
throw it away like that's it's what you do. Like,
just give it some time, work through it. But when
people go up, I can't stand it. Well, they'll tell
a joke and instead of just going up that sucked
or you didn't like that one, huh, they just go, yeah,
(18:52):
there's some new stuff I'm working on. Oh is it is?
That not what we're all doing. But you wanted the
bailout because you don't want to act like that shit
just flopped, Like, oh, just give me a break. It's
some new stuff. I got really good stuff. Stop that, dude,
Just own that you sucked. I know I've talked about
that before, but I can't stand when people think that
(19:15):
they're better than they are. Hey, bro, we're all at
the same open mic. We all suck, you know what
I mean? Like, don't go up there and be like, oh, well,
you know, I'm on the road, but uh, this new
stuff I'm just giving you and if you don't like it,
it's new, all right, give me a break. Don't do that.
Just go up there. If a joke sucks, you go yeah, yeah,
(19:36):
well that won't sucked, and then you go onto the
next shit like that's what you do. There's some new
stuff I'm working on. Don't do that takes away from
like the theater of the mind that you're actually going
up there trying to do some stuff. Don't don't do it.
Piss me off anyway, that's a little too much inside baseball.
(19:56):
How long have I been talking about twenty miles? All right,
give you the the headline of the week, and then
I don't get off the microphone. This one. This is crazy,
Like this is right up there with the Yuka app
being a little county telling me that they don't we
(20:16):
don't rate alcohol. But you know what, you're doing like
it's one of those things were looking around. You're like,
this is what we're doing. This is what the futures like. Okay,
I thought we'd have flying cars, but nope. The Department
of Homeland Security is considering a pitch for a US
citizenship competition reality show. Like come on, bro, now we're
(20:39):
sitting around the idea room and this is what we
came up with. Hey, can we find another kardash here? No,
let's just have Mexicans try and see if they can
stay over here. Who's gonna like that? All the super
American people. The Department of Homeland Security is considering a
reality television show pitch from a Duck Dynasty producer. Yep
(21:00):
nailed that one. They would focus on US citizenship. The show,
called The American. The American would put immigrants through a
series of challenges as they compete for US citizenship. It's
being pitched by the real blah blah blah blah, same
guy made Duck Dynasty. He confirmed it on his fake
Facebook page, so you know it's not fake, he said. Quote,
(21:23):
it's not mean spirited. Instead, The American is a celebration
of what it means to be well American at a
time when our morale is at an all time low.
This guy needs to be taken out back, bro, are
you kidding me? All right? One of these competitions gonna
be all right, right now, we're gonna go.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Through the hot dog eating contest. Pablo, step right up.
I know you want your family to stay here. I'll
send you back to El Salvador if you can't beat
Joey the Jaw's Chestnut in a hot dog eating competition.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
Like, well, what are we doing? Bro? People are gonna
sit around and watch that. I mean saying that, you know, Like,
I gotta imagine if you really want to be in America,
the citizenship process has got to be a pain in
the ass. So people go on American Idol, right, they
want to be singers, people go on X Factor. Right.
(22:22):
It's the fact that like that got pitched and investors
are throwing money at it, and they're like, yeah, we'll
watch this, put it on Fox. Run it. So dumb dude,
(22:42):
So dumb um. If you're uh, all right, that's your
headline of the week, I'm glad we're in on happy note.
If you're in the Cleveland area or the northeast Ohio area.
I'm doing some don't shows May thirtieth and thirty first.
(23:03):
The thirtieth is going to be in Cleveland. The thirty
first is going to be in Willoughby. So be following.
Don't tell Cleveland you can find out where those shows are.
All right, Hey, have a good week and go be
healthy or at least bounce it out, you know, trying
to be a good person. Thanks for call. Money for CO,
money for CO, money for CO, money for
Still speaking that that should not have made it to
the rest of us. This is inside thoughts.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Check check check. Welcome back to inside thoughts. Thank you
for pressing play.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
We'll get those down load numbers back up. Go ahead
like and subscribe, gonna act like a content creator. I
can subscribe the channel brow need it. Gotta make it
out of my mom's basement.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Or my uh in my case right now, my mom's attic,
my mother's addict. I'm up there, but I'll uh, I'll
be back in my own place, in a new anew
my own place in a couple of weeks, so it'll
be all right, It'll be all right. I hope you're
doing good, though. I hope you're doing better than me,
(00:56):
because I uh I recently I had to wait on
fast food. And I'll tell you what, as soon as
you have to wait on fast food, you've lost Like
we're like me and Amy were driving to Indianapolis. We
stopped on the way to get a McDonald's, you know,
something quick. Right, as soon as I go up and
(01:19):
pay at the first window, I'm thinking, okay, I'm going
to the second window getting my food fast food, knocking
it out, not thinking about it. Boom. I pull up
to go, Oh, excuse me, You're gonna have to wait
on your order? Can you please pull around? Like fuck?
As soon as you have to wait for your fast food,
you've lost Like you make me pay first and then
(01:42):
I gotta wait? Fuck it, Just give me my money back.
I'm not waiting on fast food. You've ruined the whole
purpose of what this was supposed to be. Now I'm
sitting in my car, I'm thinking about my decisions. That's
not what I wanted to do with fast food. You know,
you need to stop a take before you act if
you want to be a good person. No, I want
to have knee jerk reactions and go off the first
(02:05):
dumb thought I have. Hey, give me a number seven.
I want two cheeseburgers a fry, and I will take
that sprite please as soon as you make me think
about the consequences. It makes me feel guilty and I
don't like that. And now spend twenty bucks to get
food that I shouldn't have anyway, fast food Making me wait, bro,
like that shouldn't be a thing they should tell you
(02:26):
when you pull up. Hey, kitchen's backed up right now,
we're running behind on Pink Slime. Our Pink Slime guy
didn't show up for work today. He was like doing
meth or something, so he got in, Wait, we're running
behind on Pink Slime. We can't make your hamburgers and
your chicken nuggets. It's gonna be ten to fifteen minutes.
You still want this, then you go, obviously no, I'll
(02:48):
go have an apple because now I'm having like post
food clarity whatever. You know that version of post nut
clarity is, I don't I don't want the poison anymore.
I'm trying to eat healthy if I'm not on a
road trip or drinking or two ways to make food,
you know what I mean. Like, I'm trying to eat healthy.
(03:09):
That's what me and my girl doing, trying to trying
to eat healthy. And that basically just means you have
dog food for every meal that you have. Would you
liked beef and rice? Would you like chicken and vegetables?
I see dogs on TikTok that eat better than me.
(03:31):
Still the same healthy food. You can eat healthy. You
just have to know what you're making. I'm not a
good cook, dude, I'm gonna be eating ground beef and
rice like that's that's what it. Well, you gotta make
it some starch. Where are your carbs at? Yeah? I
throw in some potatoes, man, and I'm gonna have a
handful of blueberries. Get my fruit. I have a stick
(03:51):
of celery. Life's not do you do you hear how
angry I am? It's because I eating healthy food. It
like put you on edge. Like one of my buddies
is roll into eating healthy food. He's one of these
people like when he's doing something to better himself, he
has to tell like all his people about it, anybody
(04:12):
he knows. He's like, hey, you're living life wrong. Let
me tell you how I'm doing it. You're like, okay,
I'll listen, and like ninety percent of the time you're
like shut up, right, because anytime someone tries to tell
you something like that they're doing to better themselves, you're like,
shut up, dude. Well, let me get through my Wednesday
without feeling like a sack of shit. Okay, Can I
(04:34):
do that? Can I just be me without you letting
me know that you're better than me? Well, actually, I've
taken twenty seven minutes out of my day to meditate
and think about my wife decisions. What have you done today.
I sat in McDonald's for fifteen minutes waiting on a
number seven. You're killing it, bro, leave me alone. But
(04:57):
every once in a while, you know, he's got some
good ideas. So he was telling me about this this
app that like let you scan all the food that
you buy. Like it's called Yuka y Uka Download. I
have it, so every time I go to the store,
you just like open it up. It's free. You scan
(05:19):
the barcode of whatever food you're getting, and it gives
you like a score out of one hundred of how
healthy it is. And shocker, most of the food you
get is terrible for you. Like it'll just say, well,
this is a fifteen out of one hundred. This is
a poor score, and you go look up why and
it's never like because of the amount of sugar or
salt in it. It just like brings up the additives
(05:42):
that are in this food that you're eating. Like I
thought Gatorade was healthy, dude, Like that's how stupid I am,
you know what I mean. I'm like, Well, when I
was a kid, I saw the commercial Michael Jordan and
Derek Jeter drank it. There were athletes they're sweat turned blue.
That normal. So I thought Gatoray was healthy. I go
(06:06):
scan Gatorade. Hey, guess what? Not healthy? You knew that
you're a smart person, but like even like Cereal, you know,
like Cereal kid eat cheerios. You're like, hey, it's good
for heart health. Even the honey nut cheerio. The bee
comes out, He's like, oh, you gotta have some honey
nut cheerios if you don't want a heart attack. Remember
that commercial. I thought cheerios were healthy. I went scanned.
(06:28):
It's like a thirty seven out of one hundred. It's
not healthy. You go check what all the additives are,
and they're like words you can't pronounce. So you go
look it up, you know, you throw it into chat
GPT because you're lazy. It's twenty twenty five. I'm not
googling shit anymore. I throw everything in the chat GPT.
I'm like, hey, robot, tell me about this additive. And
(06:49):
guess what. All the additives all they do is make cancer.
And you're like, can I just have food that tastes
good that is not gonna kill me in fifteen years? Ope?
So I found this, Like the cool thing about this
Yuka app is it like when you scan something that's bad,
it'll like give you an alternative that's much more healthy.
(07:12):
So I was like, I'm gonna be healthy. I like cereal,
I'm gonna get cheerios. I scanned it. Cheerios are gonna
give you cancer in twenty years. So I was like, Okay,
no cheerios. What's the alternative? And it was like this
weird cereal called like kia or chia, I don't even
know what it's called, but it had an eighty seven
(07:35):
out of one hundred score. There was just too much
salt in it or something. So I was like, Okay,
this is healthy. I can get this. I like, I'm
eating this cereal. And the thing about healthy food is
it sucks, dude. This cereal is literally what I imagine
they feed horses. It's just oats. There's sticks in this cereal.
(08:00):
And I know you're thinking, hey, Nick, why are you
being so aggressive right now. It's because if you want
to eat healthy, you have to go outside to the
tree in your backyard, break off a branch and nibble
on it. And if you nibble the whole branch, you're
gonna get fat because that's too many serving sizes. Man,
Why does all the food have to kill you? I
just want to eat food that doesn't tastes like shit.
(08:22):
So now I'm eating this cereal that you know, mister
Ed was eating with sticks in it, and I'm just
telling my brain, this is the cereal we eat now,
this is good. This is what we eat now. Don't
taste good, but I'm eating it. Some healthys. I want
to live longer. I want to experience four hundred more
Wednesdays or however many more. What are we doing? You know?
(08:46):
That's what my great uncle used to say. There's two
types of people. There's people that are fat and happy
and there's hungry people. And I was like, you know what,
starting to get it, starting to get it makes sense.
This Yuka app though, it's funny, like you can scan
anything and it'll like give up, give you the score
for it. But like some things like obscure things that
(09:10):
are like your grocery stores own brand, they might not
have in there, but it has everything. So like I
was drinking a Mick Ultra and I just scanned the
barcode on that souse. I was like, I wonder how
bad beer is for me? Like I know it's bad, right,
but it's beer. So I want to know, like, hey,
give me at least give me like a forty five
(09:32):
out of one hundred, because that's not terrible. Right, We've
all gotten a forty five out of one hundred on tests.
You can still pass the class later, you just got
to study harder before the end of the semester. Right
Like early in the semester, you don't study for a
math test. You're just going there try and wing it. Like, hey,
(09:52):
I was in a target class when I was in
fourth grade. I can probably knock out algebra two tests
without studying, and you get a forty five out of
and that's when you realize you have to walk in
and actually start doing some flash cards. You know, maybe
ask the teacher for like some study package, whatever you
gotta do. But you walk in, you get a C
(10:13):
plus you go on to the next grade. That's how
I'm attacking my nutrition right now. So I'm hoping when
I scan this mic ultra, I get a forty five
out of one hundred, the Yuka app says, And I
wrote it down because it was it just pissed me off.
The Yuka app when I scanned it came up with
a little message that says we don't check alcohol, but
(10:37):
you already know what you're doing, and it threw a
little smiley face at the end. It was like, hey, Yuka,
fuck you, dude. I don't like I get enough attitude
from real people. I don't need apps giving me a
little cunty personality, you know what I mean. It's serving
cunt No, just just say you don't rate alcohol. You
don't need to give me, like the smiley face with
(10:59):
the tongue hanging out, like you know what you're doing,
your lever is gonna be gone. Don't do that. I'm
just saying, like all the all the contents getting a
little out of control here, Like sorry, I spit my
dip up. I know those gross probably shouldn't be doing that.
Hey Nick, you're trying to eat healthy, but you're still dipping. Yeah,
(11:21):
I know. Listen, I'm a hypocrite. You are too. Don't
judge me. Huh. Get a little water real quick. See
I balance it out. I had water out of a
plastic bottle that probably has cancer, and yeah, I'm gonna
die soon whatever anyway, So content's just getting out of control,
(11:42):
like everybody has to be in the content business now,
like content used to just be for people who actually
had something to say, or it was a little different,
you know what I mean, Like businesses didn't do content.
Everybody didn't have a podcast. Hey Nick you yeah, no, relax,
(12:02):
But did you see that story about this company that's
doing the Jurassic Park stuff. They're like finding fossilized DNA
and bringing back dead animals like that. That company's bringing
dire wolves back. They're like, hey, we know you've been
(12:22):
asking for dire wolves. You love Game of Thrones. Well
we got them. Well they posted that thing saying hey,
mem and Coco or whatever they name those two stupid wolves,
they're back. They're dire wolves. And they said, give us
suggestions and the comments of what animal you'd like us
(12:44):
to bring back next. No, dude, you guys making zombie animals.
You don't need a farm for engagement.
Speaker 3 (12:51):
He he, Drop us what you want us to bring
back and we'll see what we can do.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Dropping the comments like and share. No, either be serious
or not off. You don't get to do that for
the wolls, dude, you know what I mean? Like, farming
for engagement is a goofy thing to have to do.
You like, not everybody has to do it. Bro, I
don't need the Department of Defense, Like, hey, drop a comment,
(13:18):
who should we bomb next? Somebody's got to be serious, dude,
you know what I mean. Like, it's one thing if
you know, like Eminem's is tweeting like, hey, what flavor
of Eminem's or what nuts should we put in the
next green Eminem? Like that kind of stuff. Okay, we're
(13:39):
not taking Eminem seriously. But if you're doing actual serious stuff,
if you're bringing back dead animals, don't be like, hey,
do you want to see a velociraptor. No, I don't.
Don't do that. You guys are being serious. Act serious,
Act like adults.
Speaker 3 (13:54):
Bro, drop a comment, let me know, let me know
what you want to talk about the next podcast.
Speaker 2 (14:02):
Don't do that, dude. Like somebody has to be serious.
It's not gonna be me. I'm not gonna be the
serious one. I like having, you know, a dumb job
that done. Matt. I liked talking about nothing. I'm not
in a lab with beakers trying to, you know, find
(14:23):
some mosquito from the Cretaceous period to suck out its DNA.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
It's like, oh, well, this fly caught the fart residue
of a stegosaurus. We're gonna take that, We're gonna bring
it back, or we're gonna give you a stake something.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
You don't get the farm for engagement, bro, Content creators
have ruined the Internet. I'm sick of it. But calm down.
I like, I had a good night. I uh went
tried out some new jokes. They went relatively well. So
hopefully in a couple of months I'll have like a
new ten minutes you know what I mean. It's it's
(14:56):
the grind, bro. It's tough though, Like when you're just
like out at open mics and you're just bullshit with
other comedians, like there's nothing worse then when you're talking
to other comedians and especially like people you don't know,
(15:20):
and they're like trying to run bits by you and
you're like, dude, don't do that to me, Like just wait,
wait till you get on stage, like can we have
an actual conversation. They'll just be running bits by you
and Mike am I even like are you looking me
in the eyes or you just like remembering the stuff
that you just wrote down you're talking to me, don't
do that. And then like when when you're talking to
(15:45):
like your actual friends and you tell them that you
do stand up, everything you have to say has got
to be the funniest, most well thought out thing, or
they're like, oh, just what you're doing, Like I can't
just say dumb shit anymore. Like there's nothing worse than
saying something that you think is funny and somebody just
(16:05):
giving you a fifth pump for it, Like, yeah, I'm
gonna acknowledge that you tried, but no, that was terrible.
Like I was. I was out at stand up and
I was talking to a couple of my buddies and
there was like somebody brought a baby into a bar,
which insane, So got to talk about it, right, somebody
brought a baby into a bar. It's nine o'clock, that
(16:25):
baby is asleep, go home, you know what I mean? Like,
you guys need to be better parents. You're at an
open mic, Like it's not like you're like seeing Dave Chappelle. Right,
you're out here for free. Take that baby home, go
be good pairs. So there's a baby in the crowd
and we all saw it started talking about it, and
(16:45):
I was just joking around. I was like, yeah, probably
gonna do some crowd work on that baby hit it
with some Google guy guy right right, just you know,
being a dick. My buddy just goes nice, gives me
a fist pump. I was like, Okay, I'll go home
and kill myself. Don't don't do that. Either tell me
it wasn't funny, or just ignore it, don't acknowledge it.
(17:06):
Like yeah, no, I respect the effort. I like the attempt.
It's ridiculous. I also like going to open mics. It's
funny because there's like a there's like a weird dynamic
of an open mic night for like comedians that come
through and do it all the time, because like you
(17:27):
have comedians that like actually get paid money to do
it and they're coming to you know, work out new stuff.
And then you also have like the brand new people
who are like, yeah, I want to try this, I
want to do it, blah blah blah. It's like a
it's a weird dynamic. And a lot of the people
(17:47):
that think they're really good or like haven't bombed or
I don't know, just don't have any self awareness. When
they go try a new joke, they tell you it's
a new joke after it bombs and like, don't do that,
like you're looking for a bailout. Like I was watching
(18:07):
this guy, you know, he's been doing good and he
went up and he tried a new joke and it
just bombed, and it's fine. Like sometimes you're gonna have
an idea where you're like, I think this is hilarious,
and then you go up and nobody laughs and you
just gotta go, well, maybe I told that wrong. Maybe
(18:29):
I could punch it up a little bit. You give it,
like you give a new bit, like a month, and
if it doesn't seem like it's working at all, you
throw it away like that's it's what you do. Like,
just give it some time, work through it. But when
people go up, I can't stand it. Well, they'll tell
a joke and instead of just going up that sucked
or you didn't like that one, huh, they just go, yeah,
(18:52):
there's some new stuff I'm working on. Oh is it is?
That not what we're all doing. But you wanted the
bailout because you don't want to act like that shit
just flopped, Like, oh, just give me a break. It's
some new stuff. I got really good stuff. Stop that, dude,
Just own that you sucked. I know I've talked about
that before, but I can't stand when people think that
(19:15):
they're better than they are. Hey, bro, we're all at
the same open mic. We all suck, you know what
I mean? Like, don't go up there and be like, oh, well,
you know, I'm on the road, but uh, this new
stuff I'm just giving you and if you don't like it,
it's new, all right, give me a break. Don't do that.
Just go up there. If a joke sucks, you go yeah, yeah,
(19:36):
well that won't sucked, and then you go onto the
next shit like that's what you do. There's some new
stuff I'm working on. Don't do that takes away from
like the theater of the mind that you're actually going
up there trying to do some stuff. Don't don't do it.
Piss me off anyway, that's a little too much inside baseball.
(19:56):
How long have I been talking about twenty miles? All right,
give you the the headline of the week, and then
I don't get off the microphone. This one. This is crazy,
Like this is right up there with the Yuka app
being a little county telling me that they don't we
(20:16):
don't rate alcohol. But you know what, you're doing like
it's one of those things were looking around. You're like,
this is what we're doing. This is what the futures like. Okay,
I thought we'd have flying cars, but nope. The Department
of Homeland Security is considering a pitch for a US
citizenship competition reality show. Like come on, bro, now we're
(20:39):
sitting around the idea room and this is what we
came up with. Hey, can we find another kardash here? No,
let's just have Mexicans try and see if they can
stay over here. Who's gonna like that? All the super
American people. The Department of Homeland Security is considering a
reality television show pitch from a Duck Dynasty producer. Yep
(21:00):
nailed that one. They would focus on US citizenship. The show,
called The American. The American would put immigrants through a
series of challenges as they compete for US citizenship. It's
being pitched by the real blah blah blah blah, same
guy made Duck Dynasty. He confirmed it on his fake
Facebook page, so you know it's not fake, he said. Quote,
(21:23):
it's not mean spirited. Instead, The American is a celebration
of what it means to be well American at a
time when our morale is at an all time low.
This guy needs to be taken out back, bro, are
you kidding me? All right? One of these competitions gonna
be all right, right now, we're gonna go.
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Through the hot dog eating contest. Pablo, step right up.
I know you want your family to stay here. I'll
send you back to El Salvador if you can't beat
Joey the Jaw's Chestnut in a hot dog eating competition.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
Like, well, what are we doing? Bro? People are gonna
sit around and watch that. I mean saying that, you know, Like,
I gotta imagine if you really want to be in America,
the citizenship process has got to be a pain in
the ass. So people go on American Idol, right, they
want to be singers, people go on X Factor. Right.
(22:22):
It's the fact that like that got pitched and investors
are throwing money at it, and they're like, yeah, we'll
watch this, put it on Fox. Run it. So dumb dude,
(22:42):
So dumb um. If you're uh, all right, that's your
headline of the week, I'm glad we're in on happy note.
If you're in the Cleveland area or the northeast Ohio area.
I'm doing some don't shows May thirtieth and thirty first.
(23:03):
The thirtieth is going to be in Cleveland. The thirty
first is going to be in Willoughby. So be following.
Don't tell Cleveland you can find out where those shows are.
All right, Hey, have a good week and go be
healthy or at least bounce it out, you know, trying
to be a good person. Thanks for call. Money for CO,
money for CO, money for CO, money for
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