October 31, 2025 • 29 mins
Danny O'Neil joins Jessamyn to talk about loss of our loved ones and navigating grief throughout uncharted waters.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Jessamin McIntyre, your host of Seattle Voice, your
community voice, presented by iHeartRadio in Seattle, and in the
midst of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I'd also like to
talk about how many other cancers affect our communities, our families,
and our loved ones. And I'm grateful now to be
joined by Danny O'Neill, my friend who is willing to
share his own story today.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Danny, thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Well, I appreciate you thinking of me, Jess and having
me on, and it's great to talk to you.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Well, we've been friends long enough where unfortunately I have
experienced your side of it from knowing getting to meet
your mother while she was undergoing treatment going through her diagnosis.
I did get to meet her, but I mostly heard
it through you, and I just wanted to maybe allow
(00:49):
you the opportunity to share your story, as you know,
a survivor of her.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Yeah, it was. My mom was a very very sweet lady, yes,
one who had gone through a lot of hard things
in her life. My father, who was her college sweetheart,
had died when he was thirty eight from a pretty
rare illness, and my mom did a great job raising
me and my younger two siblings and kind of kept
(01:19):
her positive outlook. And then when she got to her
mid sixties, kind of just I think it was just
after she'd made the decision to retire, she ended up
being diagnosed. They found what they originally thought was a
renal cancer. There were some tumors in one of her kidneys,
and she underwent surgery and had that removed, and it
(01:40):
turned out that it was actually what is called a
wifeos sarcoma. So the cancer did not originate in the organ.
It was something that kind of takes it took root
there but had actually been carried in the bloodstream. And
so she went through her initial surgery to remove all
(02:00):
the cancerous material, and basically the treatment the one is
to remove the cancer and then hope it doesn't come back,
and in some cases that is how it goes, and
in hers it wasn't. She ended up over the next
four and a half years undergoing three more surgeries, sort
(02:21):
of total of four surgeries to remove the cancerous material,
and there were times where it looked like there had
been no growth, and there were at one point the
doctor had builder she was considered to be in remission.
She went through a number of immunotherapies and different treatments,
but ultimately it did keep coming back and she ended
(02:45):
up she ended up passing away. It was about four
and a half years after her initial diagnosis and ended up.
There was one kind of final course of chemotherapy that
she could have taken, but at that point it was
about extending time as opposed to there was no curative hope.
(03:09):
It was really about, hey, giving you as much time
as she can, and she just decided she didn't want
to feel that way. She didn't want what time she
had left, she didn't want to spend it feeling some
of the after effects of chemo, and so it would
have been in the spring of twenty nineteen that she
(03:30):
ultimately did die at home, which is what she wanted,
and surrounded by her three children. Me and my younger
brother and younger sister were all there with her when
she finally passed, and it was a very sad moment
and probably something that I'm still in some ways grappling with.
(03:52):
But there was also one of the things that I
will remember most is the tenderness that comes with caring
for a parent as they go through some of those challenges.
It's it doesn't feel like repayment, but there is this
understanding that my mom had been there for me every
(04:14):
step of the way and nursing me through different challenges
and protecting me and caring for me, and at the
end I did feel it was a blessing to be
able to be there for her. And it's now been
it's now been six years since she died, but I've
(04:38):
I've always taken It's been one of the more powerful
experiences of my life to have sort of gone through
that process. And the gratitude you learn for the health
that we are blessed, with the fact that it is
fragile and that can't be taken for granted, the importance
(05:01):
of doing everything you can to give yourself the best
chance to stay healthy and if you are sick, to
be able to recover, and then ultimately the understanding that
none of us are really in control of that we
can do all of the things we're supposed to do,
and that doesn't prevent or protect us, but that no
(05:26):
matter what you can, you don't lose the people around you,
and the people around you form a network that provides
support and care even in what can be otherwise tragic circumstances.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Danny O'Neil joining me, Jessamin McIntyre here with Seattle Voice,
your community Voice presented by Iheartradios in Seattle. And you
and I have shared some tragic moments. And one of
the things that your mother's story reminds me of I
lost my uncle is you're the only person who is
extremely close to my mother in her family.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
And he was close to me and a huge sports fan.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
And he also went through he passed away from leukemia,
and he also had a couple other health issues which
I don't think helped him out a lot in his
final stages. But he you know, he had a lifelong
disease which debilitated him from the waist down and it
(06:25):
was a degradation. So you know, we saw him go
from walking growing up to a walker, to canes to immobilization,
and he was the most lighthearted person in the room,
you know, every family holiday, and you know he he
chose to stop his treatment when it was the exact
(06:49):
same situation you described with your mother and his kids.
My cousins were in the same exact headspace as as
you were. We will inspect your you know that option
and be with you and just be with you every
day until the end. And I got that same exact
(07:09):
feeling from them. So I appreciate that story and I
relate to it not immediately but through my family.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
So thank you for that. And uh, you know I,
as you.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Know I've admitted on this show before I lost my
sister earlier this year, and you gave me a book
which has helped me a lot, Welcome to the Grief Club,
and it is a really magnificent book, and I appreciate
you giving that to me. But from your own experience
and maybe after reading that book, it is some stupid
(07:41):
club that none of us wants to be a part of.
But what have you learned throughout this and what message
would you give to those who are going through it
or have had gone through it and maybe don't know
how to deal with it even to this day.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
Yeah, it's I deal with actual life and death situations
and diagnoses and prognoses that can be as heavy as
a disease like cancer or any other sort of terminal
or life changing illness. I know that I've gone through
(08:21):
period where I've been very angry at the fairness of it,
at the idea of and I think I'm prone to this,
particularly the feeling that my family has dealt with more
than its quote fair share of things. And the reality
(08:45):
is is that there's nothing fair about life, either good
or bad. Like all of it is a gift, Every
bit of it is a gift, and the time that
we get to spend with each other is a gift,
and we do. What I've taken from the different experiences
(09:08):
that I've had is that you do the best you
can to be good companions. It would have been I
guess it was like three days before my mom passed away.
I had I had gone. There was an annual trip
that some of my dad's high school friend made to
(09:28):
go to a basketball tournament, and it's at the nc Double,
a college basketball tournament, and one of his high school
friends who also had a terminal cancer diagnosis it was
colorectal cancer. Was this was I think we all kind
of knew it was probably going to be the last
trip he made. So I went out there to join him,
(09:51):
and we were sitting in the living room and I
remember this very clearly, the airbnb that we'd rented in
Salt Lake City, and he taught to me about kind
of this idea that it's all a gift, that all
of it is, and that the image that he liked
to have, and it's something that he borrowed from rom Das,
(10:11):
who is he's an American but Buddhist and spiritual writer,
that we're all just fucking each other home. And at
different points people join us on that path, at different
points they stray off the path, we part ways, but ultimately,
at this journey of life, we're all We're all here
(10:34):
together in varying degrees, and that the best we can
do is to try and be good supportive partners to
the other people we encounter, to the people that we love,
to the people that are part of our are very
connected pact, and that that's that's the best that we
can do. That death is it is a reality. It
(10:58):
is something that is unavoidable. It will happen to and
around each and every one of us, and it will
be sad, and there will be holes that are left,
and there will be times that you feel different ways
about that, but ultimately it is part of the journey.
And I do I do believe that there is beauty
(11:24):
in all stages of it. There were some beautiful things
that happened in those final months of my mom's life,
like there were and some things that I really cherish
even now, the opportunity that that was a gift too.
I got to be there with her kind of through
those final months, through those final years, through all of
those things, and nothing got left unsaid. I got to
(11:48):
and from that basketball tournament, I flew to my mom's house,
which was in Santa Cruz, California, And I think prior
to that there was there was an underlying anger I
had about what was happening. I was angry. And I
don't know if it's fate or the God, whoever he
(12:11):
or she may be for you, but it was this.
I had this sense that I was angry because it
was unfair because my mom hadn't turned seventy and she
just retired, and she'd lost her husband young and had
a second husband who was a dirt bag. And when
I got to her house that what I felt was
(12:32):
an intense gratitude that my mom, who had gone through
all of these things, had never become bitter, had never
stopped loving her kids, had never stopped being there for us.
And in the final two days that I spent with her,
once I got there, was able to say thank you,
thank you for doing that. It was really that was
(12:54):
a gift she gave to me because there's a lot
of people that could have experienced those things that she
experienced in her life and turn bitter or angry, and
she didn't. And being able to express that is that
was a gift for me. I got a chance to
say those things to her as she was making a
(13:14):
transition and as her life on this earth was ending,
and then we would go on living here. And it's
there's always a hollowness or an emptiness that I feel
where she was and that hurts, but there are other
parts of it that make me smile and make me
(13:36):
very very happy. And the book that you mentioned, the
Grief Club, is it's a great one that it's an
artist who lives in Brooklyn. I live in Manhattan, she
lives over in Brooklyn. Her name is Jinine Quo, and
it's just about the kids. There's no template for how
to experience loss, and there's no way to do it
(13:58):
right or do it wrong. It's just part of being human,
and there is beauty in the human experience that all
of us have, even the really sad awful, ugly crime parts.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Danny Oil joining Jessamin McIntyre here on Seattle Voice. Your
community Voice in presented by iHeartRadio Seattle and if you
want your voice heard, please email Seattle Voice at iHeartMedia
dot com. And Danny, I relate to so many of
those things that you just said, having gone through a
couple losses this year, one that it was extremely hard
(14:35):
with my sister and I, you know, have gone through
the therapy side of things for the first time in
my life.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
I haven't met my perfect match yet.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
I would recommend if you are going through therapy, definitely
find someone who meets you, who is right for you.
I'm wondering if you went down that road following that,
because grief can be a B word.
Speaker 4 (15:02):
Yeah, yeah, yes, I have. I've I've engaged in therapy
for a solid twenty yeah, twenty years at this point. Yeah,
some better than others, all all of it ultimately very
helpful and part of my But yeah, I did. I
started seeing a therapist before my mom had passed, kind
(15:24):
of in the last year of her life. I continued
seeing that therapist for a little while, and then I
did start seeing a new therapist. I guess it would
have been about about a year and.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
A half after she passed, so that and that was
went with the pandemic, so that was remote and that
was different. I am a huge advocate for therapy, and
actually I will say the one thing I I I have,
I have depression. I don't even know how to say
(15:54):
it because it tells some word like I have depression.
I'm not depressed right now, but being treated for it.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
That's a whole other that's a diagnosis.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
Yes, one of the things that was particularly helpful with
my therapist was, and this would have been the last
year of my mom's life, is he did change up
my medication. I'm someone that does take an anti depressant
and it was helpful to have someone sort of who
(16:25):
has talked to and experienced other people who are either
going through or preparing for a loss, and I thought
I found that to be very, very valuable. And in
the wake of the loss, also having someone to just
(16:45):
kind of offload what I was feeling was also helpful because,
and this is something when you experience a loss in
your family or someone who is close to you, people
have a really hard time understanding how to connect with
you and it's not through any fault of theirs that
(17:08):
death makes people uncomfortable, and they don't know how. They
don't know if they're supposed to pretend nothing happened, or
if they're supposed to give you the big booboo lip
every time they see you because they know, yes, because
they know it's hard and they feel bad, and it's
it's hard. People just don't really know how to reach out.
(17:33):
And the thing is they don't know how to ask you,
like they don't want to ask, like how would what
would be most helpful to you at this point? Like
that's not something that gets to ask. And so it
was helpful to have someone that I could vent to
in some ways that there was a no judgment zone
(17:53):
about how I felt about that, And I did find
it helpful to have a therapist because of that.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
I completely agree, and you know, the one I was
going to like, you know me right, I'm a strong personality,
a strong person like I wanted my behind kicked by someone,
you know, but I did need to let things loose,
and I feel like she wasn't untying my knots quickly
enough for my liking. But that's fine. You know, some
(18:21):
people need someone like that. I'm still on the hunt
for one. But what what that reminds me of? You know,
when I took some time off from work and came back,
I forgot that how many communities you belong in out
here when you're working in you know, the sports media
and everything. And every time I was just like, work
(18:44):
is good for me. I'm going to get out there
every The first time I went to a couple of
baseball games, the entire no one knows what to do,
and like you said, it's no fault of their own.
And then the first time I went to Seahawks nitty camp,
it's like, oh, I haven't.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Seen any of these people.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
They all have to say something, and then I become
a caretaker for them because I care about their feelings here,
and then I would just leave.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
It's so nice.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
I wouldn't be mad at anybody, but I would leave
with a bad feeling. And I think that is a
really important thing that therapy offers. Like you mentioned again,
Danny O'Neil joining me here, Jessaman McIntyre on Seattle Voice,
I just think that there's a lot of value in
having someone who's completely removed from your situation.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
Yes, and to explain that, hey, you know what, like
how you're feeling is totally reasonable and rational, like there's
a reason you're experiencing that, But perhaps it's your interpretation
of events is leading you to misdiagnose or not understand
some of the that people are trying to express support.
(19:53):
They just don't know how to do it. So Yeah,
communication in all forms and becoming a better communit unicator
is helpful. And I do find that therapy is something
that has helped me in a multitude of ways and
continues to help me.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Well, I love to hear that, and I'm really happy
about that because I care about you. You're a wonderful
person that I get to call a friend all the time. Yeah,
is there anything else you'd like to give advice to
people who are listening today?
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Not only those.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Who I mean you were with your mother throughout her diagnosis,
so maybe those who are going through that, But anything
else you'd like to share about your experience and what
might help others who are going through it on either
the you know those who are ill or those who
are around them and love them.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
Be compassionate to yourself. And I think about this all
the time. That I'm someone who values my friends a
great deal, and if one of my friends is or
was feeling bad about something, I would want to console
them and to support them and to tell them that, hey,
(21:06):
don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing the best
you can. And I'm not always that kind of friend
to myself, and we should. We should be good friends
to ourselves. And we all have voices that speak to
us about what we perceive as our faults, our flaws,
(21:27):
things we didn't do, things we wish we had done.
And as you experience either illness or loss, it is
important to be compassionate to yourself and to understand that
you've done the best you can, and to not not
beat yourself up over things that we're all just trying
(21:51):
to make it through like we are. We're all just
trying to walk each other home and be a good,
good companion to yourself, show yourself some love, be the
friend to yourself that you are to your friends. I
guess is the one thing I would say, because it's hard,
and illness and loss are devastating things to experience and
(22:12):
to go through, and we all can be kinder, not
just to others, but we all can be kinder to ourselves.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Yes, and that is one of the great things that
my friend used to say. You know what, we as
women down talk to each other. Whenever I'm like I
need to lose weight or anything, she goes stop being
mean to my friend. I just think that's a great
phrase for another friend to say.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
It is like you've been around someone who like talks
negatively about themselves that you like, You're like, knock it off.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
I like talking about my friends.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
I just thought that was a great way of phrasing it,
and it came so off the cuff that I was like,
you know what, Okay, I'm gonna I'm going to internalize
that and be nicer to me because you said so,
I'll work on it on my own as well.
Speaker 3 (23:00):
Well.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Danny, thank you so much for taking the extra time today.
I really appreciate it, and your words mean a ton
to me and I'm sure they will to everyone else
listening right now.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Yes, I'm really grateful to call you a friend. I'm
really glad that you're hosting a show like this and
doing this because it is important conversations to be had,
and I'm really happy to have spent this time. My
love to you and your family.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
Thank you, and same to you, Danny.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
All right, take care, Jess.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Well, clearly you know why he is one of my
favorite people, Danny O'Neil. He joins us weekly on the
I Infurnest Show at one thirty on Fridays, and you
know we have him on to talk about all things sports.
He spent a lot of time out here in Seattle,
currently living in New York, but our bond never breaks,
and you can tell why. Now, this has been a
(23:49):
tough conversation today, obviously, but it's one that people don't have,
and I wanted to put it out there this week
just so that those out there could either take advice
or at least know you're not alone. And that's why
I reference welcome to the Grief Club, because that is
not a club anybody wants to be a part of.
I threw the book across the room the first time
(24:12):
I opened it because I wanted no part of it.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
Knowing you're not alone in this.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
As Danny mentioned and stated so eloquently, that death is
a part of life. I've been blessed enough to not
be shocked by it when it has come my way
until recent time, and so you are not alone if
you are dealing with something like that. I'm not a therapist,
so I'm just a person going through it, and I
(24:36):
want you to know that I am out here and
I am feeling it with you. Not the same, none
of us will experience it the same, but I think
the lack of loneliness is something that I want to
just put it out there. You do feel like you
want to be in a hole, You want to be
alone because you don't want to put your burden on
(24:57):
anybody else.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
And I feel that way still to this day.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
I lost my baby sister in May, and that is
she's only four years younger than me, youngest in our family,
and that doesn't go away. So I know that everybody
said that, and it scared me because I'm a fix
it person. I go out there and just fix everything
that's wrong. Give me an opportunity and just tell me
(25:22):
what I should do. Well, there's no fixing this, but
there is moving through it, and we are all doing
it in our own ways. And like Danny said, and
I'm still, you know, going through the therapy search to
find my right person. I just because it wasn't my
right person at first doesn't mean that I am discouraged
(25:42):
at all.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
You just gotta, you know, find what's good.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
For you and go there, and I highly recommend it,
and then also leaning on your community support. We talked
about how the fact that people don't know what to do,
and my father and I have talked about this a
lot because I almost feel mad when it's brought up
over and over when I'm in a comfortable setting. But
(26:06):
that person hasn't seen me and they haven't had their
chance to say something. They're not doing anything wrong, and
I'm not mad at them. I'm mad at it keep
on coming up when I'm in a neutral zone, and
that is just something I wanted to share with everybody.
And this is important to talk about. I know I
(26:27):
had mentioned that we, you know, are talking about this
in the midst of Breast cancer Awareness Month, and obviously
that is an important cause that we should be paying
attention to. But even though Danny didn't lose his mother
to breast cancer, particularly, he's still lost her to cancer.
And it struck something in me to talk about grief
(26:50):
and what we can do for those around us, how
compassionate we can be for those experiencing loss right now,
regardless of how it happened. I did not lose my
sister to cancer, but Danny and I do have extreme
loss in common, and that is why. I mean, I
wouldn't call it an inspiration for this show, but that's
(27:11):
why I wanted to focus on that today. And I
will probably bring counselors on in the future on this
show to talk about things like this. But for some reason,
it was in my heart today to put it out
there that there are two people who are not doctors
dealing with extreme grief, and I wanted you to hear
from us. And I'm so so grateful for Danny being
(27:34):
willing to share his time. I mean I did when
his mother relapsed with her cancer diagnosis.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
We were working together.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
Back at the time, and I had to tell him
just to stay in Santa Cruz. And he shared that
story before, So I'm not going offline by telling that
that was not an off the record conversation that he
hasn't shared before. But it reminded me of me where
I was like, I'll just work for a couple of
(28:03):
days because that's what I should do, right, That's what
I should do because I can't go home immediately.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
I fly out on Saturday, so I'll just go to work.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
No, No, be kind to yourself, be compassionate to you,
be your own friend. And like Danny and I just
talked about how would you treat your friend in that situation?
Speaker 2 (28:23):
How would you be compassionate to your friend?
Speaker 1 (28:27):
And also how would you understand them if they didn't
want to talk to anybody. Maybe your friend would understand
you if you were in that situation and you just
didn't have the energy. I mean me personally, I just
stopped making plans and I let my friends know if
I'm up for it, please contact me the day before
(28:47):
or the day of.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
I would love that.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
I know we all have busy lives, except just I'll
let you know how I feel that day.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
And it just took this burden off of me.
Speaker 1 (28:58):
And these are just little tips that I can give
you from my own experience in going through this tremendous grief.
But I want you to just think about not over
exerting yourself. I am one hundred percent guilty of doing
that myself. So, like I said, not a therapist, just
giving you my own tricks of this crap trade that
(29:18):
we are in.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
If you are in it too, I want.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
You to know and that I'm grateful for you listening
to this one because it's a little bit of a
different episode than I did today, but it felt it
felt right, It felt right, So I appreciate you out there,
and remember I am here for the community. This is
Seattle Voice. It is your community voice, and I want
to hear from you always. If you want your voice heard,
(29:42):
email Seattle Voice at iHeartMedia dot com and we'll be
back next week. I've got a really fun episode plan
for next Sunday. And I appreciate you. Remember Jessamin McIntyre.
Seattle Voice presented by iHeartRadio in Seattle,
This is Jessamin McIntyre, your host of Seattle Voice, your
community voice, presented by iHeartRadio in Seattle, and in the
midst of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I'd also like to
talk about how many other cancers affect our communities, our families,
and our loved ones. And I'm grateful now to be
joined by Danny O'Neill, my friend who is willing to
share his own story today.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Danny, thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (00:22):
Well, I appreciate you thinking of me, Jess and having
me on, and it's great to talk to you.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Well, we've been friends long enough where unfortunately I have
experienced your side of it from knowing getting to meet
your mother while she was undergoing treatment going through her diagnosis.
I did get to meet her, but I mostly heard
it through you, and I just wanted to maybe allow
(00:49):
you the opportunity to share your story, as you know,
a survivor of her.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Yeah, it was. My mom was a very very sweet lady, yes,
one who had gone through a lot of hard things
in her life. My father, who was her college sweetheart,
had died when he was thirty eight from a pretty
rare illness, and my mom did a great job raising
me and my younger two siblings and kind of kept
(01:19):
her positive outlook. And then when she got to her
mid sixties, kind of just I think it was just
after she'd made the decision to retire, she ended up
being diagnosed. They found what they originally thought was a
renal cancer. There were some tumors in one of her kidneys,
and she underwent surgery and had that removed, and it
(01:40):
turned out that it was actually what is called a
wifeos sarcoma. So the cancer did not originate in the organ.
It was something that kind of takes it took root
there but had actually been carried in the bloodstream. And
so she went through her initial surgery to remove all
(02:00):
the cancerous material, and basically the treatment the one is
to remove the cancer and then hope it doesn't come back,
and in some cases that is how it goes, and
in hers it wasn't. She ended up over the next
four and a half years undergoing three more surgeries, sort
(02:21):
of total of four surgeries to remove the cancerous material,
and there were times where it looked like there had
been no growth, and there were at one point the
doctor had builder she was considered to be in remission.
She went through a number of immunotherapies and different treatments,
but ultimately it did keep coming back and she ended
(02:45):
up she ended up passing away. It was about four
and a half years after her initial diagnosis and ended up.
There was one kind of final course of chemotherapy that
she could have taken, but at that point it was
about extending time as opposed to there was no curative hope.
(03:09):
It was really about, hey, giving you as much time
as she can, and she just decided she didn't want
to feel that way. She didn't want what time she
had left, she didn't want to spend it feeling some
of the after effects of chemo, and so it would
have been in the spring of twenty nineteen that she
(03:30):
ultimately did die at home, which is what she wanted,
and surrounded by her three children. Me and my younger
brother and younger sister were all there with her when
she finally passed, and it was a very sad moment
and probably something that I'm still in some ways grappling with.
(03:52):
But there was also one of the things that I
will remember most is the tenderness that comes with caring
for a parent as they go through some of those challenges.
It's it doesn't feel like repayment, but there is this
understanding that my mom had been there for me every
(04:14):
step of the way and nursing me through different challenges
and protecting me and caring for me, and at the
end I did feel it was a blessing to be
able to be there for her. And it's now been
it's now been six years since she died, but I've
(04:38):
I've always taken It's been one of the more powerful
experiences of my life to have sort of gone through
that process. And the gratitude you learn for the health
that we are blessed, with the fact that it is
fragile and that can't be taken for granted, the importance
(05:01):
of doing everything you can to give yourself the best
chance to stay healthy and if you are sick, to
be able to recover, and then ultimately the understanding that
none of us are really in control of that we
can do all of the things we're supposed to do,
and that doesn't prevent or protect us, but that no
(05:26):
matter what you can, you don't lose the people around you,
and the people around you form a network that provides
support and care even in what can be otherwise tragic circumstances.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Danny O'Neil joining me, Jessamin McIntyre here with Seattle Voice,
your community Voice presented by Iheartradios in Seattle. And you
and I have shared some tragic moments. And one of
the things that your mother's story reminds me of I
lost my uncle is you're the only person who is
extremely close to my mother in her family.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
And he was close to me and a huge sports fan.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
And he also went through he passed away from leukemia,
and he also had a couple other health issues which
I don't think helped him out a lot in his
final stages. But he you know, he had a lifelong
disease which debilitated him from the waist down and it
(06:25):
was a degradation. So you know, we saw him go
from walking growing up to a walker, to canes to immobilization,
and he was the most lighthearted person in the room,
you know, every family holiday, and you know he he
chose to stop his treatment when it was the exact
(06:49):
same situation you described with your mother and his kids.
My cousins were in the same exact headspace as as
you were. We will inspect your you know that option
and be with you and just be with you every
day until the end. And I got that same exact
(07:09):
feeling from them. So I appreciate that story and I
relate to it not immediately but through my family.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
So thank you for that. And uh, you know I,
as you.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Know I've admitted on this show before I lost my
sister earlier this year, and you gave me a book
which has helped me a lot, Welcome to the Grief Club,
and it is a really magnificent book, and I appreciate
you giving that to me. But from your own experience
and maybe after reading that book, it is some stupid
(07:41):
club that none of us wants to be a part of.
But what have you learned throughout this and what message
would you give to those who are going through it
or have had gone through it and maybe don't know
how to deal with it even to this day.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
Yeah, it's I deal with actual life and death situations
and diagnoses and prognoses that can be as heavy as
a disease like cancer or any other sort of terminal
or life changing illness. I know that I've gone through
(08:21):
period where I've been very angry at the fairness of it,
at the idea of and I think I'm prone to this,
particularly the feeling that my family has dealt with more
than its quote fair share of things. And the reality
(08:45):
is is that there's nothing fair about life, either good
or bad. Like all of it is a gift, Every
bit of it is a gift, and the time that
we get to spend with each other is a gift,
and we do. What I've taken from the different experiences
(09:08):
that I've had is that you do the best you
can to be good companions. It would have been I
guess it was like three days before my mom passed away.
I had I had gone. There was an annual trip
that some of my dad's high school friend made to
(09:28):
go to a basketball tournament, and it's at the nc Double,
a college basketball tournament, and one of his high school
friends who also had a terminal cancer diagnosis it was
colorectal cancer. Was this was I think we all kind
of knew it was probably going to be the last
trip he made. So I went out there to join him,
(09:51):
and we were sitting in the living room and I
remember this very clearly, the airbnb that we'd rented in
Salt Lake City, and he taught to me about kind
of this idea that it's all a gift, that all
of it is, and that the image that he liked
to have, and it's something that he borrowed from rom Das,
(10:11):
who is he's an American but Buddhist and spiritual writer,
that we're all just fucking each other home. And at
different points people join us on that path, at different
points they stray off the path, we part ways, but ultimately,
at this journey of life, we're all We're all here
(10:34):
together in varying degrees, and that the best we can
do is to try and be good supportive partners to
the other people we encounter, to the people that we love,
to the people that are part of our are very
connected pact, and that that's that's the best that we
can do. That death is it is a reality. It
(10:58):
is something that is unavoidable. It will happen to and
around each and every one of us, and it will
be sad, and there will be holes that are left,
and there will be times that you feel different ways
about that, but ultimately it is part of the journey.
And I do I do believe that there is beauty
(11:24):
in all stages of it. There were some beautiful things
that happened in those final months of my mom's life,
like there were and some things that I really cherish
even now, the opportunity that that was a gift too.
I got to be there with her kind of through
those final months, through those final years, through all of
those things, and nothing got left unsaid. I got to
(11:48):
and from that basketball tournament, I flew to my mom's house,
which was in Santa Cruz, California, And I think prior
to that there was there was an underlying anger I
had about what was happening. I was angry. And I
don't know if it's fate or the God, whoever he
(12:11):
or she may be for you, but it was this.
I had this sense that I was angry because it
was unfair because my mom hadn't turned seventy and she
just retired, and she'd lost her husband young and had
a second husband who was a dirt bag. And when
I got to her house that what I felt was
(12:32):
an intense gratitude that my mom, who had gone through
all of these things, had never become bitter, had never
stopped loving her kids, had never stopped being there for us.
And in the final two days that I spent with her,
once I got there, was able to say thank you,
thank you for doing that. It was really that was
(12:54):
a gift she gave to me because there's a lot
of people that could have experienced those things that she
experienced in her life and turn bitter or angry, and
she didn't. And being able to express that is that
was a gift for me. I got a chance to
say those things to her as she was making a
(13:14):
transition and as her life on this earth was ending,
and then we would go on living here. And it's
there's always a hollowness or an emptiness that I feel
where she was and that hurts, but there are other
parts of it that make me smile and make me
(13:36):
very very happy. And the book that you mentioned, the
Grief Club, is it's a great one that it's an
artist who lives in Brooklyn. I live in Manhattan, she
lives over in Brooklyn. Her name is Jinine Quo, and
it's just about the kids. There's no template for how
to experience loss, and there's no way to do it
(13:58):
right or do it wrong. It's just part of being human,
and there is beauty in the human experience that all
of us have, even the really sad awful, ugly crime parts.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Danny Oil joining Jessamin McIntyre here on Seattle Voice. Your
community Voice in presented by iHeartRadio Seattle and if you
want your voice heard, please email Seattle Voice at iHeartMedia
dot com. And Danny, I relate to so many of
those things that you just said, having gone through a
couple losses this year, one that it was extremely hard
(14:35):
with my sister and I, you know, have gone through
the therapy side of things for the first time in
my life.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
I haven't met my perfect match yet.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
I would recommend if you are going through therapy, definitely
find someone who meets you, who is right for you.
I'm wondering if you went down that road following that,
because grief can be a B word.
Speaker 4 (15:02):
Yeah, yeah, yes, I have. I've I've engaged in therapy
for a solid twenty yeah, twenty years at this point. Yeah,
some better than others, all all of it ultimately very
helpful and part of my But yeah, I did. I
started seeing a therapist before my mom had passed, kind
(15:24):
of in the last year of her life. I continued
seeing that therapist for a little while, and then I
did start seeing a new therapist. I guess it would
have been about about a year and.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
A half after she passed, so that and that was
went with the pandemic, so that was remote and that
was different. I am a huge advocate for therapy, and
actually I will say the one thing I I I have,
I have depression. I don't even know how to say
(15:54):
it because it tells some word like I have depression.
I'm not depressed right now, but being treated for it.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
That's a whole other that's a diagnosis.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
Yes, one of the things that was particularly helpful with
my therapist was, and this would have been the last
year of my mom's life, is he did change up
my medication. I'm someone that does take an anti depressant
and it was helpful to have someone sort of who
(16:25):
has talked to and experienced other people who are either
going through or preparing for a loss, and I thought
I found that to be very, very valuable. And in
the wake of the loss, also having someone to just
(16:45):
kind of offload what I was feeling was also helpful because,
and this is something when you experience a loss in
your family or someone who is close to you, people
have a really hard time understanding how to connect with
you and it's not through any fault of theirs that
(17:08):
death makes people uncomfortable, and they don't know how. They
don't know if they're supposed to pretend nothing happened, or
if they're supposed to give you the big booboo lip
every time they see you because they know, yes, because
they know it's hard and they feel bad, and it's
it's hard. People just don't really know how to reach out.
(17:33):
And the thing is they don't know how to ask you,
like they don't want to ask, like how would what
would be most helpful to you at this point? Like
that's not something that gets to ask. And so it
was helpful to have someone that I could vent to
in some ways that there was a no judgment zone
(17:53):
about how I felt about that, And I did find
it helpful to have a therapist because of that.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
I completely agree, and you know, the one I was
going to like, you know me right, I'm a strong personality,
a strong person like I wanted my behind kicked by someone,
you know, but I did need to let things loose,
and I feel like she wasn't untying my knots quickly
enough for my liking. But that's fine. You know, some
(18:21):
people need someone like that. I'm still on the hunt
for one. But what what that reminds me of? You know,
when I took some time off from work and came back,
I forgot that how many communities you belong in out
here when you're working in you know, the sports media
and everything. And every time I was just like, work
(18:44):
is good for me. I'm going to get out there
every The first time I went to a couple of
baseball games, the entire no one knows what to do,
and like you said, it's no fault of their own.
And then the first time I went to Seahawks nitty camp,
it's like, oh, I haven't.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Seen any of these people.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
They all have to say something, and then I become
a caretaker for them because I care about their feelings here,
and then I would just leave.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
It's so nice.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
I wouldn't be mad at anybody, but I would leave
with a bad feeling. And I think that is a
really important thing that therapy offers. Like you mentioned again,
Danny O'Neil joining me here, Jessaman McIntyre on Seattle Voice,
I just think that there's a lot of value in
having someone who's completely removed from your situation.
Speaker 3 (19:30):
Yes, and to explain that, hey, you know what, like
how you're feeling is totally reasonable and rational, like there's
a reason you're experiencing that, But perhaps it's your interpretation
of events is leading you to misdiagnose or not understand
some of the that people are trying to express support.
(19:53):
They just don't know how to do it. So Yeah,
communication in all forms and becoming a better communit unicator
is helpful. And I do find that therapy is something
that has helped me in a multitude of ways and
continues to help me.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Well, I love to hear that, and I'm really happy
about that because I care about you. You're a wonderful
person that I get to call a friend all the time. Yeah,
is there anything else you'd like to give advice to
people who are listening today?
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Not only those.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
Who I mean you were with your mother throughout her diagnosis,
so maybe those who are going through that, But anything
else you'd like to share about your experience and what
might help others who are going through it on either
the you know those who are ill or those who
are around them and love them.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
Be compassionate to yourself. And I think about this all
the time. That I'm someone who values my friends a
great deal, and if one of my friends is or
was feeling bad about something, I would want to console
them and to support them and to tell them that, hey,
(21:06):
don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing the best
you can. And I'm not always that kind of friend
to myself, and we should. We should be good friends
to ourselves. And we all have voices that speak to
us about what we perceive as our faults, our flaws,
(21:27):
things we didn't do, things we wish we had done.
And as you experience either illness or loss, it is
important to be compassionate to yourself and to understand that
you've done the best you can, and to not not
beat yourself up over things that we're all just trying
(21:51):
to make it through like we are. We're all just
trying to walk each other home and be a good,
good companion to yourself, show yourself some love, be the
friend to yourself that you are to your friends. I
guess is the one thing I would say, because it's hard,
and illness and loss are devastating things to experience and
(22:12):
to go through, and we all can be kinder, not
just to others, but we all can be kinder to ourselves.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Yes, and that is one of the great things that
my friend used to say. You know what, we as
women down talk to each other. Whenever I'm like I
need to lose weight or anything, she goes stop being
mean to my friend. I just think that's a great
phrase for another friend to say.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
It is like you've been around someone who like talks
negatively about themselves that you like, You're like, knock it off.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
I like talking about my friends.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
I just thought that was a great way of phrasing it,
and it came so off the cuff that I was like,
you know what, Okay, I'm gonna I'm going to internalize
that and be nicer to me because you said so,
I'll work on it on my own as well.
Speaker 3 (23:00):
Well.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Danny, thank you so much for taking the extra time today.
I really appreciate it, and your words mean a ton
to me and I'm sure they will to everyone else
listening right now.
Speaker 3 (23:10):
Yes, I'm really grateful to call you a friend. I'm
really glad that you're hosting a show like this and
doing this because it is important conversations to be had,
and I'm really happy to have spent this time. My
love to you and your family.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
Thank you, and same to you, Danny.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
All right, take care, Jess.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
Well, clearly you know why he is one of my
favorite people, Danny O'Neil. He joins us weekly on the
I Infurnest Show at one thirty on Fridays, and you
know we have him on to talk about all things sports.
He spent a lot of time out here in Seattle,
currently living in New York, but our bond never breaks,
and you can tell why. Now, this has been a
(23:49):
tough conversation today, obviously, but it's one that people don't have,
and I wanted to put it out there this week
just so that those out there could either take advice
or at least know you're not alone. And that's why
I reference welcome to the Grief Club, because that is
not a club anybody wants to be a part of.
I threw the book across the room the first time
(24:12):
I opened it because I wanted no part of it.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
Knowing you're not alone in this.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
As Danny mentioned and stated so eloquently, that death is
a part of life. I've been blessed enough to not
be shocked by it when it has come my way
until recent time, and so you are not alone if
you are dealing with something like that. I'm not a therapist,
so I'm just a person going through it, and I
(24:36):
want you to know that I am out here and
I am feeling it with you. Not the same, none
of us will experience it the same, but I think
the lack of loneliness is something that I want to
just put it out there. You do feel like you
want to be in a hole, You want to be
alone because you don't want to put your burden on
(24:57):
anybody else.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
And I feel that way still to this day.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
I lost my baby sister in May, and that is
she's only four years younger than me, youngest in our family,
and that doesn't go away. So I know that everybody
said that, and it scared me because I'm a fix
it person. I go out there and just fix everything
that's wrong. Give me an opportunity and just tell me
(25:22):
what I should do. Well, there's no fixing this, but
there is moving through it, and we are all doing
it in our own ways. And like Danny said, and
I'm still, you know, going through the therapy search to
find my right person. I just because it wasn't my
right person at first doesn't mean that I am discouraged
(25:42):
at all.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
You just gotta, you know, find what's good.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
For you and go there, and I highly recommend it,
and then also leaning on your community support. We talked
about how the fact that people don't know what to do,
and my father and I have talked about this a
lot because I almost feel mad when it's brought up
over and over when I'm in a comfortable setting. But
(26:06):
that person hasn't seen me and they haven't had their
chance to say something. They're not doing anything wrong, and
I'm not mad at them. I'm mad at it keep
on coming up when I'm in a neutral zone, and
that is just something I wanted to share with everybody.
And this is important to talk about. I know I
(26:27):
had mentioned that we, you know, are talking about this
in the midst of Breast cancer Awareness Month, and obviously
that is an important cause that we should be paying
attention to. But even though Danny didn't lose his mother
to breast cancer, particularly, he's still lost her to cancer.
And it struck something in me to talk about grief
(26:50):
and what we can do for those around us, how
compassionate we can be for those experiencing loss right now,
regardless of how it happened. I did not lose my
sister to cancer, but Danny and I do have extreme
loss in common, and that is why. I mean, I
wouldn't call it an inspiration for this show, but that's
(27:11):
why I wanted to focus on that today. And I
will probably bring counselors on in the future on this
show to talk about things like this. But for some reason,
it was in my heart today to put it out
there that there are two people who are not doctors
dealing with extreme grief, and I wanted you to hear
from us. And I'm so so grateful for Danny being
(27:34):
willing to share his time. I mean I did when
his mother relapsed with her cancer diagnosis.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
We were working together.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
Back at the time, and I had to tell him
just to stay in Santa Cruz. And he shared that
story before, So I'm not going offline by telling that
that was not an off the record conversation that he
hasn't shared before. But it reminded me of me where
I was like, I'll just work for a couple of
(28:03):
days because that's what I should do, right, That's what
I should do because I can't go home immediately.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
I fly out on Saturday, so I'll just go to work.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
No, No, be kind to yourself, be compassionate to you,
be your own friend. And like Danny and I just
talked about how would you treat your friend in that situation?
Speaker 2 (28:23):
How would you be compassionate to your friend?
Speaker 1 (28:27):
And also how would you understand them if they didn't
want to talk to anybody. Maybe your friend would understand
you if you were in that situation and you just
didn't have the energy. I mean me personally, I just
stopped making plans and I let my friends know if
I'm up for it, please contact me the day before
(28:47):
or the day of.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
I would love that.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
I know we all have busy lives, except just I'll
let you know how I feel that day.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
And it just took this burden off of me.
Speaker 1 (28:58):
And these are just little tips that I can give
you from my own experience in going through this tremendous grief.
But I want you to just think about not over
exerting yourself. I am one hundred percent guilty of doing
that myself. So, like I said, not a therapist, just
giving you my own tricks of this crap trade that
(29:18):
we are in.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
If you are in it too, I want.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
You to know and that I'm grateful for you listening
to this one because it's a little bit of a
different episode than I did today, but it felt it
felt right, It felt right, So I appreciate you out there,
and remember I am here for the community. This is
Seattle Voice. It is your community voice, and I want
to hear from you always. If you want your voice heard,
(29:42):
email Seattle Voice at iHeartMedia dot com and we'll be
back next week. I've got a really fun episode plan
for next Sunday. And I appreciate you. Remember Jessamin McIntyre.
Seattle Voice presented by iHeartRadio in Seattle,
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