Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The following is a paid commercial by Black Girl Sunscreen.
The views expressed are those of the sponsor and not
iHeartMedia or this station. Welcome to Shamelessly Chante with your
host Chantay Lundy.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Good morning. You're listening to Shamelessly Chante and I'm your host,
Chantay Lundy. So y'all, are we ready for today's episode
because it is a nice and spicy and juicy guest
that we are going to have And I feel so
honored to be part of the iHeart family and Shamelessly
(00:40):
Chante developing over the last couple of years. I had
the opportunity to speak in Atlanta a few weeks ago
at the Blackifest, Blackifest, Black Effect Podcast Festival, and it's
all because of this platform that we have here today,
and this is how we also have our guest today.
I won't reveal who she is, but it's because we're
(01:03):
in this community. So I went out to Atlanta and
honestly was a little nervous because it was media folks,
and I don't necessarily consider myself to be in media.
But then I was like, you know, Chantey, reprogram your
thinking because everything you do is pretty much media from
creating content to being in commercials, to being on television.
(01:27):
So I was definitely in my own head. But I
got on that stage and I told my story the
way no one else could do it because it's my story.
And it felt great. I felt great, and I felt great,
and it looked great. It looked great. You sounded great,
all right, But I wanted to do a shout out
to the black effect, shout out to iHeart, and shout
(01:49):
out to this, to this next guest that is about
to I think, make us laughing, give us a little
bit of juice and spicing.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
I think so.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
And I'm saying those words very intentionally. So francis what's
been going on at Black Girl Sunscreen?
Speaker 4 (02:06):
So everyone May is skin cancer Awareness month, and this
is a reminder for you to get regular skin checks
and to see a dermatologist. Melanoma affects everyone, but it
often looks different on people of color and can appear
in less obvious places like the palms of our hands,
(02:27):
the soles of our feet, and under our nails, fingernails
and toenails. Black people are more likely to be diagnosed
at later stages thirty two percent at stage three or
four versus thirteen percent of white patients with a lower
five year survival rate fifty eight point eight percent versus
eighty four point eight percent. That's a huge difference. Melanin
(02:51):
it doesn't protect us completely from the sun's damage. So
make sure you wear your sunscreen and check your skin regularly.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
All right, serious, serious, serious topic. You know with black
girls sunscreen, we try not to scare anyone, right because
if you're wearing sunscreen regularly, that serves as the preventative measure, right,
we shouldn't even get to the point of melanoma. So,
as fr instance said, reapply every two hours, especially when
(03:21):
you're in the sun. I know it's so easy to forget,
but there are different applications to remind you. There are
stickers that tell you, like, hey, time to reapply sunscreen.
I don't know if you knew that.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
I did not know.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Yeah, yeah, but there's some really cool technology out there.
And for us folks that do have deeper complexions. I
know it's a myth, right, but let's we're getting smarter,
we're getting smarter, we're living longer, we're looking more younger.
How are we protecting that? Like, that's that's what I
want to know, Like, how do we stay on this
(03:52):
planet a little bit longer and knock out these smaller
things that could eliminate us? And if the answer is
like we're and sunscreen, like why wouldn't we just do that?
Speaker 5 (04:03):
So?
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Uh, you're listening to shamely she chante hi.
Speaker 6 (04:09):
If you want to protect your skin cry, make sure
you get some black girl sign scram black girl urine
gunndem sign bab. Just lat on your black girl sign
scream black black, don't crack it doesn't black people get
sign burn too. As my cousin, If you want to
protect your skin quay, make sure you get some black
(04:31):
girls sign scram black your gunde sign bab. Just lat
on your black girls sun scream all.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Right, so Francis, yes, ma'am. Who do we have sitting
next to us today?
Speaker 4 (04:44):
Today's Guest is a leading voice on love, sex, and
human connection. An Emmy nominated TV host and commentator, she
hosts The Doctor Wendy Walls Show on iHeartRadio and teaches
psychology at cal State Channel Islands. I aimed a Time
Magazine Person of the Year for her role in the
Me Too movement. She shares science backed insights with over
(05:07):
one point five million followers. Please welcome doctor Wendy Walk.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Thank you so much for joining me as doctor to
be here. Oh y'all, So where did you drive in
from today? I live in Venice Beach, So I said
to you, yeah, I thought you could do Venice or
even the OC.
Speaker 3 (05:28):
And I said, I don't go behind orange curtain down there.
Speaker 5 (05:33):
No. I Someone actually once called me and said, hey,
were I. This friend of mine is casting for the
Real Housewives of OC. You should go out for it.
And I said, I'm not a housewife. I don't live
in OC, and I don't have any of the beliefs
of many people who live safely there in their tidy
little communities.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
So what are some of your beliefs?
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Well, I'm Canadian. You know where Canada is.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
No, I don't you go north.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
You turn left and you keep going left. That's it.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Oh my goodness, but left of left. But you know what, though,
just talking to you for one minute, you'd be a
trip on the show, like a trip meaning like very funny.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Oh, thank you, well, I try to.
Speaker 5 (06:20):
So you know my background, my first degrees in journalism,
and I was in TV for a very long time
and I got midlife Masters and PhD in psychology when
I was home nursing my babies, and so every time
I would take a psychology class, I'd be.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
Like, oh, my god, everyone should know this.
Speaker 5 (06:36):
You shouldn't have to pay somebody one hundred dollars for
a fifty minute session to learn this. So I created
an entire brand about as a journalist of taking psychological
lessons and turning it into words everybody can understand, and hopefully, yes,
adding some humor to it.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Oh, it's fantastic. Okay, So what are some of the
things that we should already know?
Speaker 5 (06:55):
Uh? First of all, love is not about finding happiness,
It's not about finding pleasure. It's always about finding the familiar.
And therefore, if somebody's early life is filled with pain, neglect, criticism,
even pre verbal when they don't have memories of it,
they will go right back to the scene of the crime.
(07:17):
They will find that person at the club or on
Tinder who will make them feel the same way, because
to them, that's the familiar feeling of love.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
So I recently saw that it takes eight years to
get over it. Next, did you see this too?
Speaker 3 (07:33):
I read that study?
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Yeah, is there some validity to that?
Speaker 3 (07:37):
Okay?
Speaker 5 (07:37):
So they said up to eight years, and with this
particular population that they looked at, the average was more
like four and.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
A half years.
Speaker 5 (07:45):
The truth is there's no such thing as no strings
attached sex. The unconscious is having a conversation. In the
first thirty seconds when two people meet, they go, cool,
you're gonna treat me like that. I'll treat you like that. Cool,
we're on a dating table. It's like, you're gonna treat
me like my punitive mother. You're gonna treat me like
my abandoning daddy.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
Great.
Speaker 5 (08:06):
And so, even if it's a one night thing, it
the pain of it, or the happiness of it, or
what the loss of it after it's over lingers for
a long time. But when you actually get into a
secure attachment with somebody, you become one mind. I got
married in August, and I cannot believe how light and
easy my life is, just past all this. Yeah, with
(08:29):
somebody doing fifty percent of the thought work, work, fifty
percent of the housework, the physical labor, but also fifty
percent of the thinking. You know, like yesterday I went
to the design house in Pasadena with a girlfriend. My
husband is composing some email to some business thing, and
he texts me, can you wordsmith this for me right away?
(08:50):
I gotta send it right away. I'm walking through the
design house talking into my phone. The old ladies are like,
what is it? And I'm asking the robot what's an
adjective for whatever? And I rewrite his email for him.
Speaker 3 (08:59):
And then there are other.
Speaker 5 (09:00):
Times I'd be like, I got this financial spreadsheet I
can't figure out in the bank. Once the thing, he goes,
I got it. I'll just we literally are one mind.
Now that's whole. And I realize now, of course I
endorse and understand and love same sex relationships. So right
now I'm just talking about how to sexual relations because
that's what I'm in. But there is a meeting of
the minds that they balance each other and it's fabulous.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
So how long did it take you to find that?
Speaker 3 (09:27):
Fifty eight years? Wow?
Speaker 5 (09:31):
So for some no timeline on this right, eighteen years
of therapy to learn how to change my attachment style.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
What were you attached to you previously?
Speaker 5 (09:40):
Oh, bad boys avoiding bad boys? Give us us if
they have I can name names now they're all there.
If they had a Super Bowl ring, if they had
an academy award on the nightstand if they had.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
I was in there leg spread.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
It was.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Age and wage Asian. Wait maybe right, that's right, but
isn't there?
Speaker 3 (10:07):
It was all painful for me. Why because okay, so there.
Speaker 5 (10:11):
I had an anxious ambivalent attachment style which was and
related to my dad.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
Being in the navy.
Speaker 5 (10:16):
So he was gone in a very inconsistent pattern, and
we weren't allowed to know where he was because it
was a post World War two and they were on
ships trying to you know, protecting the North Atlantic during
the Cold War in the sixties and seventies, So we
didn't know where his ship was, how long his ship
would be away. And so for a young child, it's desabilizing.
(10:37):
Where's daddy?
Speaker 3 (10:38):
We don't know? Can you call daddy?
Speaker 1 (10:39):
No?
Speaker 5 (10:39):
No, We'll get a Ham radio maybe in a couple
of weeks, right. And so I grew up wanting men
to leave me and not knowing where they are. That's
a perfect prescription for a bad boy. In other words,
that's my familiar sense of love is I wasn't in
love with love. I was in love with longing. And
so all those bad boys who had so much sexual
choice would dip in and dip, and I would be
(11:01):
left with my familiar feeling of terrible cried a lot,
and then I would do the awful thing.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
I would try to.
Speaker 5 (11:10):
Uh, what's the word, sort of compensate or a band aid.
I would have those hovermn, those nice guys that I
would just use, Oh yeah, you can come over and
fix my dryer, you can do my car stereo whatever.
And i'd have those nice guys around who were They
had their own anxious attachment style to them.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
I was the avoidant one, right, yeah and so, but
that didn't work either, Right.
Speaker 5 (11:30):
It was only once I did the long, hard work
that involved a lot of tears of understanding that there
was a common denominator in every single one of my
bad relationships, and.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
It was me pick them.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Were you ever the other woman? What do you mean?
Speaker 3 (11:47):
Did I have affairs?
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (11:49):
I've okay.
Speaker 5 (11:50):
First of all, I've been a girlfriend, I've been a
living lover. I have been a married woman, I've been
a divorced woman. I've been a mistress, and I've been
a single mom. I've been everything.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
What's a loving lover?
Speaker 3 (11:59):
A living lover living with somebody? Oh, just larry together?
Oh I see, Okay, Okay, I've been everything.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
We can have a list again.
Speaker 5 (12:06):
I've been a girlfriend, yeap. I've been a married person,
I've been a divorce person. I've been a living lover,
I've been a mistress. And I've been a single mother.
What's been the hardest single mother?
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Guarantee?
Speaker 5 (12:17):
Twenty years, I at one hundred percent custody, one hundred
percent pressure to both be a provider, protector, nurturer and.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
My cry, the hardest job I ever did, hardest job
I ever did. From when I hear you've been an
amazing mom, though, well, I.
Speaker 5 (12:33):
Have PTSD for motherhood to be honestly, I just I'm
so happy that I have a wonderful man in my
life right now. But raising those two girls, every second
that I was working, my body was going, you need
to be with your child.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
They need a mother.
Speaker 5 (12:48):
And every second I was with them, I'd be like,
you need to be working, they need money for education.
I never felt like, Oh, isn't this great?
Speaker 3 (12:56):
It's safe. And then at night, every noise I was
the one up. I'm the only one protecting. It was
terrifying you in there, right, you were worried about them,
and you know.
Speaker 5 (13:07):
These dudes would come in and they'd say, you know,
you need to go out and have more fun, because
you know, a happy mother is a better mother. And
I would say to them, you know what, my kid's
happiness is my happiness. And so me to go off
on some romantic weekend with you and have to pay
for babysitters and come back and put up with what
they're going to punish me with for leaving them, I'm
(13:29):
not going to do it. So I just put them first,
knowing that the universe would provide if I did the
work on me, and it did so.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
So therapy is what got you out of that time
in your life.
Speaker 5 (13:40):
Therapy and actually, in a weird turn of things, motherhood.
Because I was studying psychology while I was pregnant and nursing,
and I was reading about attachment theory, I was in
therapy myself. I'm like, oh my god, I don't want
my kids to have attachment injuries, right, so I was
keeping them close.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Well.
Speaker 5 (13:59):
Later I study that showed their three ways that one
can heal attachment injuries. The one we already talked about
is the consistent relationship of a responsible, good, licensed therapist.
Believe it or not, less than their magical interventions are
just the fact that there's a consistent appointment to every Friday,
and the brain goes, okay, mommy's going to be there.
Just hold on till Friday, right, So the therapist patient
(14:22):
relationship can be healing. If you're lucky enough to marry
somebody with a secure attachment style because they have the
right resume on paper, they can calm you down because
they don't leave.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
They're there and they're calm. We'll get into that in
a second, yep.
Speaker 5 (14:33):
And then the other is the parent child diet, because
every time a parent says to a child, don't worry,
Mommy's just going to work for a few hours. Mommy
always comes home. It's going to be okay, there's another
brain listening. It's your own brain. You're self consoling at
the same time. It's fascinating how it works.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
How do we ident sorry, Francis, so how do we
How do the listeners identify their attachment style?
Speaker 5 (14:56):
So one of the best quizzes online isn't really a quiz.
It's one of the major researchers in attachment who's collecting data.
He won't collect your name, but he might collect demographic
information like age or something and gender. It's called His
name is Chris Frayley fr A L E. Y. If
you just google the words Chris Frayley attachment test, you'll
(15:20):
get a very good one.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
Now he has A and B.
Speaker 5 (15:22):
A is a short one and B as a longer one.
Do the longer one? Do the longer one? So what
is take twenty minutes?
Speaker 4 (15:27):
What if in the relationship both people have the same
type of attachment style will depend.
Speaker 5 (15:33):
So if two avoidant people get together, and I'm know
married couples like this. They live like really polite roommates
in each other's life, and there's no fear of intimacy, right,
no threat of intimacy there, and it actually works for them. Okay,
The problem can be the children in that union. Children
have deep emotional needs, and if you have two avoidant
parents and nobody's mirroring back there your feelings are giving
(15:56):
them language for their feelings, it can be very difficult
for the kids. Now you get two anxious people together
in a relationship, you would call it perhaps the pop
psych term codependent. I would call it enmeshed. And meshed
means nobody can remember whose problem is whose. And if
if you think of relationships as a ven diagram, two
(16:17):
circles that overlap. There should be some autonomy in one circle,
and autonomy and another and an overlap. That's called the relationship.
It's its own living thing. Anxious people are completely overlapped
like one circle. Yeah, and there's lots of and again
it's a scale like everything else. You know, some people
are have extreme anxiety around abandonment.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
Or some are just like, Okay, I feel it, but
I can tolerate it.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Right, So you just said so. In a previous statement,
you said that you've just got married in August. Congratulations.
I think I'm about to get married too, But I'm scared.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
Why you're not sure of your decision? I am okay?
And we are you afraid of?
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Ah? I've been independent for a really long time.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
Right. The healthy relationship is interdependent.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Yeah, So to think about having to talk to someone
about a decision, it's very scary for me because I'm
so used to doing operating on my own. And then
in my mind, I'm like, well, maybe I can just
have a seramony, a ceremony and not necessarily.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Let me reframe this.
Speaker 6 (17:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
Please.
Speaker 5 (17:21):
A lot of people think that if they have to
talk to somebody about a decision, they have to ask permission.
But really I want you to reframe it as, Wow,
I have an additional brain who totally cares about me,
who can weigh in and help me make better decisions.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
I have to trust that that decision.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
There's where we're going.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
I know, because I think that I've come so far
right and just getting around just knowing where to go,
what grocery is, start to go to. So when you
have some say like, hey, maybe do it this way
or whatever, it's like, I think I got it. So
that's like one of the fears. And then also to
(18:04):
the ending, I don't want to ever think of the
D word, but is it possible. Anything's possible, So I
just want to erase some of those things.
Speaker 5 (18:16):
Well, here's another myth that many people have that you
will somehow meet your soulmate early in life. You will
stay together until the end of life, until the death
do us part, until death do us Part was invented.
Death was pretty imminute, all right, And so the truth is,
if you got married in the year nineteen hundred, the
average length of that marriage was twelve years.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Now, it was famine, it.
Speaker 5 (18:41):
Was wars, it was disease, whatever die and women dying
in childbirth, et cetera. If you got married in nineteen
ninety ninety years later and you profess till death do
us part, the average length of that marriage was twelve years.
Now it's divorce. Because of our very long life expectancies,
we are outliving out or relationships. But focusing on the
(19:02):
end will bring the end. You know that, right what
you manifest will be I think the important thing is
to stay in the present and live each day in
the joy of each day. We love to plan because
we're trying to prevent pain, right, we want to prevent pain,
but we will bring pain if we're spending our time
preventing pain because we're looking at it.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
Here it comes, here, it come. Oh my god. He
said that. That could mean divorce is coming.
Speaker 5 (19:25):
Oh my god, we're feeling the pain all the way
along instead of just oh, here's another secret. Did you
know couples who are the happiness and stay together the
longest actually overvalue their partner. Like people from the outside
are like you, No, she not all that, he's not
really that great, but they think they are, and that's
all that matters. Right.
Speaker 6 (19:46):
If you want to present your skin. Make sure you
get some black girls SA scaring bird and black girls
sascreing a black don't correct, that doesn't but people get
some burn too. As my cousin. If you want to present,
(20:06):
make sure you get some black girls sunscreen.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Girl sunscreen, but really quick, because so you got married
in August. What was that like dating for you? At
you know?
Speaker 3 (20:22):
So easy?
Speaker 2 (20:23):
First of all, this is the landscape of dating change.
Speaker 5 (20:26):
I'm a professional, yeah that I have read the science
and I know exactly how to work the apps. I
know exactly how male psychosexual behavior is. I know female
psycho sexual behavior. So I knew the game inside and out.
You got to leave them at home going is she
ever gonna see me again?
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Oh my god?
Speaker 5 (20:44):
Those instant connections, right, But don't don't milk it out, no,
because then you burn out the passion and then they
don't even try. Women complain that men don't try. You
don't give them an opportunity to try.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
Okay, flip it, doctor, Wendy, flip it. Let's give some
men some tips. Are you able to do that?
Speaker 6 (21:01):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (21:01):
Okay?
Speaker 5 (21:02):
So guys, I love you, I love you bald, I
love you with hair, I love you get the baseball
cap off.
Speaker 3 (21:08):
Please get the baseball half fishing.
Speaker 5 (21:10):
We know if you have the baseball cap on that
you're bald and insecure about it instead of cool about it.
It's okay, right, And the baseball hat and sunglasses mean
you're married, okay, we know that.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
We also know you lie about your height. We lie
about our weight. Okay, you can.
Speaker 5 (21:26):
Lie, but never more than one inch. Okay, five foot
ten men can't be saying six foot one. You can
say five eleven because we know five eleven is five
to ten.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
We know.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
Okay, it's okay. We're gonna give you that.
Speaker 5 (21:40):
It's all right, just like the guys know that we
put one hundred and forty pounds is one hundred and
thirty pounds or one hundred and fifty pounds.
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Yeah, right, so it's fine, we know. So what do
women not like? Women do not like.
Speaker 5 (21:56):
Shirt off selfies in a bathroom mirror, which shows you
have friends to take a picture and you're not even
going to the beach. Right at a beach with friends,
it makes sense to have your shirt off. Standing in
your bathroom with your shirt off means you just want
to have sex. And again you're looking we're talking about
people looking for long term relationship. Yet, Yeah, we can
exclude all the short term relationship.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
That's fine. Go enjoy, do what you want. That's fine.
Speaker 5 (22:18):
I totally endorse that. If you're in that phase, enjoy.
So yeah, forget that. And if the toilet seat is
up behind you, oh.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
My god in the picture.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
Yeah, I've seen guys are back in a selfie with
the toilet set up. Just close. Your germs are floating
up right behind you. You're bringing it in. Why don't
people know that?
Speaker 5 (22:35):
I know when you flush, you know, fecal matter has
been found fifteen feet away on toothbrushes. Okay, close it
before you flush down, gentlemen. I trained my husband and that,
by the way, you know, closes before her flushes. Okay,
so other things, right, something I am shocked at how
many men on their profess to put pictures and put
(22:56):
two words or something or worse, they put a list
of what they're looking for in a woman. Sorry, dude,
just calm down, all right. You want to be able
to showcase some form of intelligence. The best way to
showcase intelligence is through a little bit of humor. But
be careful if you're not actually funny, don't even try.
All right, So here's what my husband wrote in his profile. Okay,
(23:18):
one sentence and I was like, oh.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
I got to know this man.
Speaker 5 (23:22):
He said, I have been on a dramatic path towards
mindfulness and authenticity.
Speaker 3 (23:30):
That's it. I'm like, oh, what is that path? And
it was quite a story.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
Yeah, you want to know more about it.
Speaker 5 (23:36):
I needed to know everything, but the way he framed it,
like I've been on a life's journey. It's been quite
dramatic their stories, and now my aim is to be
more mindful and authentic he's learned.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Yeah, so write something. We can't stand it when you
don't write. The other thing is.
Speaker 5 (23:52):
Check your background. That background check that women do, guys
are so important. We are scroll and on the back
of your room and trying to figure out if that
lamp is from Ikia or restoration hardware.
Speaker 3 (24:05):
Okay.
Speaker 5 (24:06):
We are looking at your environment so carefully to try
to figure out if you have resources if you're on
your own.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
Doctor Windey, we got a game we're gonna play. Okay, Francis,
can you tee it up for us? Sure can?
Speaker 4 (24:22):
Okay, So, Doctor Wendy, this game is called yeah Na
couples should have joint social media accounts.
Speaker 5 (24:30):
Now, I think they should have access to each other's
passwords and phones. But I think that two relationships that
are too enmeshed start to squelch the individual and that's
when you risk having affairs and stuff because they're trying
to figure out how they can individuate.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Oh, absolutely not. Yeah, that's a note for me too.
Love at first sight is real to some people.
Speaker 5 (24:52):
It is, but we should understand the science behind it,
and more often happens to men than women. Men are very,
very visually wired, and it is a rush of a
cocktail of neuro hormones that involves dopamine, oxytocin, neuropenephron, et cetera, serotonin,
and it feels like a high to them. It feels
like they've been hit by a thunderbolt. But it's only
(25:14):
designed to get the bonding and very few people it
doesn't last.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
I don't know, right, so this is yeah or not?
Like I don't actually know. I believe it's very real,
so yeah, hopeless romantic? Okay, googling your date before you
meet them? Absolutely, Oh, I'm going down the full rabbit hole,
full rabbit hole. Same using doctor Google.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
I think we all do it. We're not supposed to.
The doctor's hate that we do it, but we do.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
I don't, Nah, you don't. I'd rather just go and see.
Speaker 4 (25:50):
I'm going to use doctor Google. I just need an
idea of what's going on. Wearing socks to bed in Canada, Yes,
only to really like soften my my feet. If I
feel like they just need a little bit of extra attention,
I'm gonna say nah, because Perry is knocking on the door. Perrymanopause,
TikTok life coaches.
Speaker 5 (26:11):
Not if they're like if they're unlicensed and they're not
a professor and don't have education, I have a problem
with Nah.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
Okay, I'm nah.
Speaker 4 (26:18):
I'm not maple syrup on everything.
Speaker 3 (26:20):
I'm not a sugar girl, but I'm Canadian, so yeah, nah.
Speaker 4 (26:25):
Nah, I'm gonna say yeaho Celine Dion.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
Child Bride, I'm sorry. I can't look her. Did you
see the documentary?
Speaker 5 (26:34):
No? Oh, well, she's got a very very bad illness
right now and she does her whole uh what's the
word seizure? She has seizures right on camera. But you know,
the guy she married and had kids with, he knew
her since she was twelve years old and he was
her music manager coach twelve years old, and then supposedly
(26:56):
they didn't do anything until she turned eighteen and he
married her.
Speaker 3 (26:59):
Oh, child bride, no word to go.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Because I was really just thinking musically. But yeah, but
I knew that question was gonna hit from you being.
Speaker 3 (27:10):
A relationship again.
Speaker 4 (27:12):
Relationships Yeah, Okay, I'm gonna say yeah because I love Selene.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Okay, okay, Toronto raptors.
Speaker 5 (27:21):
You know, when it comes to basketball, I think it
should be stay in America for the hockey people. Okay,
with the hockey people now, Okay, that's fair.
Speaker 4 (27:28):
Okay, nah Na America sad time. It's a now right now,
I'm going yeah. I mean I'm here, so I guess yeah.
Given relationship advice to strangers, yeah, when they ask for it, Nope.
Correcting people when they don't call you doctor.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
Oh, I don't care. I always say only my mother
would call me doctor.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
If you don't know what somebody's profession is. First name,
biasis I think is fair.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
My doctor, yeah, takes it all away.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
How about you, Francis, I'm gonna say, yeah, doctor, Winny
you drop some gems. We had to listen fast to
catch them all. Seriously, if we want more of you,
how do we find you?
Speaker 5 (28:10):
You can go onto my social media everywhere at Dr
Wendy Walsh short for doctor at doctor Wendy Walsh and
that's Instagram, TikTok, YouTube everywhere, and you can listen to
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on iHeartRadio locally at KFI
AM six forty, Los Angeles, but you can listen to
it anytime on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Yeah, are you perfect? That was perfect? So doctor Winne.
If somebody slides into your DMS, uh huh, are you
going to answer their question?
Speaker 5 (28:37):
So Producer Kayla here as well as my social media
manager December Brown are the ones who handle all that.
And so if there's something that's personal to me that
I need to see, they'll let me know. But otherwise, yes,
we answer social media questions on our radio show, and
everyone should know that I keep your identity completely anonymous,
your name, your handle, whatever, So yes, please send me
(28:58):
relationship questions and producer k will get him on the show.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
Okay, thank you so much, Doctor Wendy. Thank you to
see you and to get the full scoop, tune into
shamelessly Chanta's YouTube channel, and you're listening to shamelessly chante bye.
Speaker 6 (29:13):
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah.
Speaker 3 (29:25):
The proceeding was a paid commercial by Black Girl's son,
Screen
The following is a paid commercial by Black Girl Sunscreen.
The views expressed are those of the sponsor and not
iHeartMedia or this station. Welcome to Shamelessly Chante with your
host Chantay Lundy.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Good morning. You're listening to Shamelessly Chante and I'm your host,
Chantay Lundy. So y'all, are we ready for today's episode
because it is a nice and spicy and juicy guest
that we are going to have And I feel so
honored to be part of the iHeart family and Shamelessly
(00:40):
Chante developing over the last couple of years. I had
the opportunity to speak in Atlanta a few weeks ago
at the Blackifest, Blackifest, Black Effect Podcast Festival, and it's
all because of this platform that we have here today,
and this is how we also have our guest today.
I won't reveal who she is, but it's because we're
(01:03):
in this community. So I went out to Atlanta and
honestly was a little nervous because it was media folks,
and I don't necessarily consider myself to be in media.
But then I was like, you know, Chantey, reprogram your
thinking because everything you do is pretty much media from
creating content to being in commercials, to being on television.
(01:27):
So I was definitely in my own head. But I
got on that stage and I told my story the
way no one else could do it because it's my story.
And it felt great. I felt great, and I felt great,
and it looked great. It looked great. You sounded great,
all right, But I wanted to do a shout out
to the black effect, shout out to iHeart, and shout
(01:49):
out to this, to this next guest that is about
to I think, make us laughing, give us a little
bit of juice and spicing.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
I think so.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
And I'm saying those words very intentionally. So francis what's
been going on at Black Girl Sunscreen?
Speaker 4 (02:06):
So everyone May is skin cancer Awareness month, and this
is a reminder for you to get regular skin checks
and to see a dermatologist. Melanoma affects everyone, but it
often looks different on people of color and can appear
in less obvious places like the palms of our hands,
(02:27):
the soles of our feet, and under our nails, fingernails
and toenails. Black people are more likely to be diagnosed
at later stages thirty two percent at stage three or
four versus thirteen percent of white patients with a lower
five year survival rate fifty eight point eight percent versus
eighty four point eight percent. That's a huge difference. Melanin
(02:51):
it doesn't protect us completely from the sun's damage. So
make sure you wear your sunscreen and check your skin regularly.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
All right, serious, serious, serious topic. You know with black
girls sunscreen, we try not to scare anyone, right because
if you're wearing sunscreen regularly, that serves as the preventative measure, right,
we shouldn't even get to the point of melanoma. So,
as fr instance said, reapply every two hours, especially when
(03:21):
you're in the sun. I know it's so easy to forget,
but there are different applications to remind you. There are
stickers that tell you, like, hey, time to reapply sunscreen.
I don't know if you knew that.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
I did not know.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Yeah, yeah, but there's some really cool technology out there.
And for us folks that do have deeper complexions. I
know it's a myth, right, but let's we're getting smarter,
we're getting smarter, we're living longer, we're looking more younger.
How are we protecting that? Like, that's that's what I
want to know, Like, how do we stay on this
(03:52):
planet a little bit longer and knock out these smaller
things that could eliminate us? And if the answer is
like we're and sunscreen, like why wouldn't we just do that?
Speaker 5 (04:03):
So?
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Uh, you're listening to shamely she chante hi.
Speaker 6 (04:09):
If you want to protect your skin cry, make sure
you get some black girl sign scram black girl urine
gunndem sign bab. Just lat on your black girl sign
scream black black, don't crack it doesn't black people get
sign burn too. As my cousin, If you want to
protect your skin quay, make sure you get some black
(04:31):
girls sign scram black your gunde sign bab. Just lat
on your black girls sun scream all.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Right, so Francis, yes, ma'am. Who do we have sitting
next to us today?
Speaker 4 (04:44):
Today's Guest is a leading voice on love, sex, and
human connection. An Emmy nominated TV host and commentator, she
hosts The Doctor Wendy Walls Show on iHeartRadio and teaches
psychology at cal State Channel Islands. I aimed a Time
Magazine Person of the Year for her role in the
Me Too movement. She shares science backed insights with over
(05:07):
one point five million followers. Please welcome doctor Wendy Walk.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Thank you so much for joining me as doctor to
be here. Oh y'all, So where did you drive in
from today? I live in Venice Beach, So I said
to you, yeah, I thought you could do Venice or
even the OC.
Speaker 3 (05:28):
And I said, I don't go behind orange curtain down there.
Speaker 5 (05:33):
No. I Someone actually once called me and said, hey,
were I. This friend of mine is casting for the
Real Housewives of OC. You should go out for it.
And I said, I'm not a housewife. I don't live
in OC, and I don't have any of the beliefs
of many people who live safely there in their tidy
little communities.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
So what are some of your beliefs?
Speaker 3 (05:56):
Well, I'm Canadian. You know where Canada is.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
No, I don't you go north.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
You turn left and you keep going left. That's it.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Oh my goodness, but left of left. But you know what, though,
just talking to you for one minute, you'd be a
trip on the show, like a trip meaning like very funny.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Oh, thank you, well, I try to.
Speaker 5 (06:20):
So you know my background, my first degrees in journalism,
and I was in TV for a very long time
and I got midlife Masters and PhD in psychology when
I was home nursing my babies, and so every time
I would take a psychology class, I'd be.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
Like, oh, my god, everyone should know this.
Speaker 5 (06:36):
You shouldn't have to pay somebody one hundred dollars for
a fifty minute session to learn this. So I created
an entire brand about as a journalist of taking psychological
lessons and turning it into words everybody can understand, and hopefully, yes,
adding some humor to it.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Oh, it's fantastic. Okay, So what are some of the
things that we should already know?
Speaker 5 (06:55):
Uh? First of all, love is not about finding happiness,
It's not about finding pleasure. It's always about finding the familiar.
And therefore, if somebody's early life is filled with pain, neglect, criticism,
even pre verbal when they don't have memories of it,
they will go right back to the scene of the crime.
(07:17):
They will find that person at the club or on
Tinder who will make them feel the same way, because
to them, that's the familiar feeling of love.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
So I recently saw that it takes eight years to
get over it. Next, did you see this too?
Speaker 3 (07:33):
I read that study?
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Yeah, is there some validity to that?
Speaker 3 (07:37):
Okay?
Speaker 5 (07:37):
So they said up to eight years, and with this
particular population that they looked at, the average was more
like four and.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
A half years.
Speaker 5 (07:45):
The truth is there's no such thing as no strings
attached sex. The unconscious is having a conversation. In the
first thirty seconds when two people meet, they go, cool,
you're gonna treat me like that. I'll treat you like that. Cool,
we're on a dating table. It's like, you're gonna treat
me like my punitive mother. You're gonna treat me like
my abandoning daddy.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
Great.
Speaker 5 (08:06):
And so, even if it's a one night thing, it
the pain of it, or the happiness of it, or
what the loss of it after it's over lingers for
a long time. But when you actually get into a
secure attachment with somebody, you become one mind. I got
married in August, and I cannot believe how light and
easy my life is, just past all this. Yeah, with
(08:29):
somebody doing fifty percent of the thought work, work, fifty
percent of the housework, the physical labor, but also fifty
percent of the thinking. You know, like yesterday I went
to the design house in Pasadena with a girlfriend. My
husband is composing some email to some business thing, and
he texts me, can you wordsmith this for me right away?
(08:50):
I gotta send it right away. I'm walking through the
design house talking into my phone. The old ladies are like,
what is it? And I'm asking the robot what's an
adjective for whatever? And I rewrite his email for him.
Speaker 3 (08:59):
And then there are other.
Speaker 5 (09:00):
Times I'd be like, I got this financial spreadsheet I
can't figure out in the bank. Once the thing, he goes,
I got it. I'll just we literally are one mind.
Now that's whole. And I realize now, of course I
endorse and understand and love same sex relationships. So right
now I'm just talking about how to sexual relations because
that's what I'm in. But there is a meeting of
the minds that they balance each other and it's fabulous.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
So how long did it take you to find that?
Speaker 3 (09:27):
Fifty eight years? Wow?
Speaker 5 (09:31):
So for some no timeline on this right, eighteen years
of therapy to learn how to change my attachment style.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
What were you attached to you previously?
Speaker 5 (09:40):
Oh, bad boys avoiding bad boys? Give us us if
they have I can name names now they're all there.
If they had a Super Bowl ring, if they had
an academy award on the nightstand if they had.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
I was in there leg spread.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
It was.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Age and wage Asian. Wait maybe right, that's right, but
isn't there?
Speaker 3 (10:07):
It was all painful for me. Why because okay, so there.
Speaker 5 (10:11):
I had an anxious ambivalent attachment style which was and
related to my dad.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
Being in the navy.
Speaker 5 (10:16):
So he was gone in a very inconsistent pattern, and
we weren't allowed to know where he was because it
was a post World War two and they were on
ships trying to you know, protecting the North Atlantic during
the Cold War in the sixties and seventies, So we
didn't know where his ship was, how long his ship
would be away. And so for a young child, it's desabilizing.
(10:37):
Where's daddy?
Speaker 3 (10:38):
We don't know? Can you call daddy?
Speaker 1 (10:39):
No?
Speaker 5 (10:39):
No, We'll get a Ham radio maybe in a couple
of weeks, right. And so I grew up wanting men
to leave me and not knowing where they are. That's
a perfect prescription for a bad boy. In other words,
that's my familiar sense of love is I wasn't in
love with love. I was in love with longing. And
so all those bad boys who had so much sexual
choice would dip in and dip, and I would be
(11:01):
left with my familiar feeling of terrible cried a lot,
and then I would do the awful thing.
Speaker 3 (11:08):
I would try to.
Speaker 5 (11:10):
Uh, what's the word, sort of compensate or a band aid.
I would have those hovermn, those nice guys that I
would just use, Oh yeah, you can come over and
fix my dryer, you can do my car stereo whatever.
And i'd have those nice guys around who were They
had their own anxious attachment style to them.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
I was the avoidant one, right, yeah and so, but
that didn't work either, Right.
Speaker 5 (11:30):
It was only once I did the long, hard work
that involved a lot of tears of understanding that there
was a common denominator in every single one of my
bad relationships, and.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
It was me pick them.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Were you ever the other woman? What do you mean?
Speaker 3 (11:47):
Did I have affairs?
Speaker 1 (11:49):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (11:49):
I've okay.
Speaker 5 (11:50):
First of all, I've been a girlfriend, I've been a
living lover. I have been a married woman, I've been
a divorced woman. I've been a mistress, and I've been
a single mom. I've been everything.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
What's a loving lover?
Speaker 3 (11:59):
A living lover living with somebody? Oh, just larry together?
Oh I see, Okay, Okay, I've been everything.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
We can have a list again.
Speaker 5 (12:06):
I've been a girlfriend, yeap. I've been a married person,
I've been a divorce person. I've been a living lover,
I've been a mistress. And I've been a single mother.
What's been the hardest single mother?
Speaker 3 (12:17):
Guarantee?
Speaker 5 (12:17):
Twenty years, I at one hundred percent custody, one hundred
percent pressure to both be a provider, protector, nurturer and.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
My cry, the hardest job I ever did, hardest job
I ever did. From when I hear you've been an
amazing mom, though, well, I.
Speaker 5 (12:33):
Have PTSD for motherhood to be honestly, I just I'm
so happy that I have a wonderful man in my
life right now. But raising those two girls, every second
that I was working, my body was going, you need
to be with your child.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
They need a mother.
Speaker 5 (12:48):
And every second I was with them, I'd be like,
you need to be working, they need money for education.
I never felt like, Oh, isn't this great?
Speaker 3 (12:56):
It's safe. And then at night, every noise I was
the one up. I'm the only one protecting. It was
terrifying you in there, right, you were worried about them,
and you know.
Speaker 5 (13:07):
These dudes would come in and they'd say, you know,
you need to go out and have more fun, because
you know, a happy mother is a better mother. And
I would say to them, you know what, my kid's
happiness is my happiness. And so me to go off
on some romantic weekend with you and have to pay
for babysitters and come back and put up with what
they're going to punish me with for leaving them, I'm
(13:29):
not going to do it. So I just put them first,
knowing that the universe would provide if I did the
work on me, and it did so.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
So therapy is what got you out of that time
in your life.
Speaker 5 (13:40):
Therapy and actually, in a weird turn of things, motherhood.
Because I was studying psychology while I was pregnant and nursing,
and I was reading about attachment theory, I was in
therapy myself. I'm like, oh my god, I don't want
my kids to have attachment injuries, right, so I was
keeping them close.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Well.
Speaker 5 (13:59):
Later I study that showed their three ways that one
can heal attachment injuries. The one we already talked about
is the consistent relationship of a responsible, good, licensed therapist.
Believe it or not, less than their magical interventions are
just the fact that there's a consistent appointment to every Friday,
and the brain goes, okay, mommy's going to be there.
Just hold on till Friday, right, So the therapist patient
(14:22):
relationship can be healing. If you're lucky enough to marry
somebody with a secure attachment style because they have the
right resume on paper, they can calm you down because
they don't leave.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
They're there and they're calm. We'll get into that in
a second, yep.
Speaker 5 (14:33):
And then the other is the parent child diet, because
every time a parent says to a child, don't worry,
Mommy's just going to work for a few hours. Mommy
always comes home. It's going to be okay, there's another
brain listening. It's your own brain. You're self consoling at
the same time. It's fascinating how it works.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
How do we ident sorry, Francis, so how do we
How do the listeners identify their attachment style?
Speaker 5 (14:56):
So one of the best quizzes online isn't really a quiz.
It's one of the major researchers in attachment who's collecting data.
He won't collect your name, but he might collect demographic
information like age or something and gender. It's called His
name is Chris Frayley fr A L E. Y. If
you just google the words Chris Frayley attachment test, you'll
(15:20):
get a very good one.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
Now he has A and B.
Speaker 5 (15:22):
A is a short one and B as a longer one.
Do the longer one? Do the longer one? So what
is take twenty minutes?
Speaker 4 (15:27):
What if in the relationship both people have the same
type of attachment style will depend.
Speaker 5 (15:33):
So if two avoidant people get together, and I'm know
married couples like this. They live like really polite roommates
in each other's life, and there's no fear of intimacy, right,
no threat of intimacy there, and it actually works for them. Okay,
The problem can be the children in that union. Children
have deep emotional needs, and if you have two avoidant
parents and nobody's mirroring back there your feelings are giving
(15:56):
them language for their feelings, it can be very difficult
for the kids. Now you get two anxious people together
in a relationship, you would call it perhaps the pop
psych term codependent. I would call it enmeshed. And meshed
means nobody can remember whose problem is whose. And if
if you think of relationships as a ven diagram, two
(16:17):
circles that overlap. There should be some autonomy in one circle,
and autonomy and another and an overlap. That's called the relationship.
It's its own living thing. Anxious people are completely overlapped
like one circle. Yeah, and there's lots of and again
it's a scale like everything else. You know, some people
are have extreme anxiety around abandonment.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
Or some are just like, Okay, I feel it, but
I can tolerate it.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Right, So you just said so. In a previous statement,
you said that you've just got married in August. Congratulations.
I think I'm about to get married too, But I'm scared.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
Why you're not sure of your decision? I am okay?
And we are you afraid of?
Speaker 2 (16:55):
Ah? I've been independent for a really long time.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
Right. The healthy relationship is interdependent.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Yeah, So to think about having to talk to someone
about a decision, it's very scary for me because I'm
so used to doing operating on my own. And then
in my mind, I'm like, well, maybe I can just
have a seramony, a ceremony and not necessarily.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Let me reframe this.
Speaker 6 (17:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
Please.
Speaker 5 (17:21):
A lot of people think that if they have to
talk to somebody about a decision, they have to ask permission.
But really I want you to reframe it as, Wow,
I have an additional brain who totally cares about me,
who can weigh in and help me make better decisions.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
I have to trust that that decision.
Speaker 3 (17:42):
There's where we're going.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
I know, because I think that I've come so far
right and just getting around just knowing where to go,
what grocery is, start to go to. So when you
have some say like, hey, maybe do it this way
or whatever, it's like, I think I got it. So
that's like one of the fears. And then also to
(18:04):
the ending, I don't want to ever think of the
D word, but is it possible. Anything's possible, So I
just want to erase some of those things.
Speaker 5 (18:16):
Well, here's another myth that many people have that you
will somehow meet your soulmate early in life. You will
stay together until the end of life, until the death
do us part, until death do us Part was invented.
Death was pretty imminute, all right, And so the truth is,
if you got married in the year nineteen hundred, the
average length of that marriage was twelve years.
Speaker 3 (18:38):
Now, it was famine, it.
Speaker 5 (18:41):
Was wars, it was disease, whatever die and women dying
in childbirth, et cetera. If you got married in nineteen
ninety ninety years later and you profess till death do
us part, the average length of that marriage was twelve years.
Now it's divorce. Because of our very long life expectancies,
we are outliving out or relationships. But focusing on the
(19:02):
end will bring the end. You know that, right what
you manifest will be I think the important thing is
to stay in the present and live each day in
the joy of each day. We love to plan because
we're trying to prevent pain, right, we want to prevent pain,
but we will bring pain if we're spending our time
preventing pain because we're looking at it.
Speaker 3 (19:22):
Here it comes, here, it come. Oh my god. He
said that. That could mean divorce is coming.
Speaker 5 (19:25):
Oh my god, we're feeling the pain all the way
along instead of just oh, here's another secret. Did you
know couples who are the happiness and stay together the
longest actually overvalue their partner. Like people from the outside
are like you, No, she not all that, he's not
really that great, but they think they are, and that's
all that matters. Right.
Speaker 6 (19:46):
If you want to present your skin. Make sure you
get some black girls SA scaring bird and black girls
sascreing a black don't correct, that doesn't but people get
some burn too. As my cousin. If you want to present,
(20:06):
make sure you get some black girls sunscreen.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Girl sunscreen, but really quick, because so you got married
in August. What was that like dating for you? At
you know?
Speaker 3 (20:22):
So easy?
Speaker 2 (20:23):
First of all, this is the landscape of dating change.
Speaker 5 (20:26):
I'm a professional, yeah that I have read the science
and I know exactly how to work the apps. I
know exactly how male psychosexual behavior is. I know female
psycho sexual behavior. So I knew the game inside and out.
You got to leave them at home going is she
ever gonna see me again?
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Oh my god?
Speaker 5 (20:44):
Those instant connections, right, But don't don't milk it out, no,
because then you burn out the passion and then they
don't even try. Women complain that men don't try. You
don't give them an opportunity to try.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
Okay, flip it, doctor, Wendy, flip it. Let's give some
men some tips. Are you able to do that?
Speaker 6 (21:01):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (21:01):
Okay?
Speaker 5 (21:02):
So guys, I love you, I love you bald, I
love you with hair, I love you get the baseball
cap off.
Speaker 3 (21:08):
Please get the baseball half fishing.
Speaker 5 (21:10):
We know if you have the baseball cap on that
you're bald and insecure about it instead of cool about it.
It's okay, right, And the baseball hat and sunglasses mean
you're married, okay, we know that.
Speaker 3 (21:22):
We also know you lie about your height. We lie
about our weight. Okay, you can.
Speaker 5 (21:26):
Lie, but never more than one inch. Okay, five foot
ten men can't be saying six foot one. You can
say five eleven because we know five eleven is five
to ten.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
We know.
Speaker 3 (21:38):
Okay, it's okay. We're gonna give you that.
Speaker 5 (21:40):
It's all right, just like the guys know that we
put one hundred and forty pounds is one hundred and
thirty pounds or one hundred and fifty pounds.
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Yeah, right, so it's fine, we know. So what do
women not like? Women do not like.
Speaker 5 (21:56):
Shirt off selfies in a bathroom mirror, which shows you
have friends to take a picture and you're not even
going to the beach. Right at a beach with friends,
it makes sense to have your shirt off. Standing in
your bathroom with your shirt off means you just want
to have sex. And again you're looking we're talking about
people looking for long term relationship. Yet, Yeah, we can
exclude all the short term relationship.
Speaker 3 (22:15):
That's fine. Go enjoy, do what you want. That's fine.
Speaker 5 (22:18):
I totally endorse that. If you're in that phase, enjoy.
So yeah, forget that. And if the toilet seat is
up behind you, oh.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
My god in the picture.
Speaker 3 (22:27):
Yeah, I've seen guys are back in a selfie with
the toilet set up. Just close. Your germs are floating
up right behind you. You're bringing it in. Why don't
people know that?
Speaker 5 (22:35):
I know when you flush, you know, fecal matter has
been found fifteen feet away on toothbrushes. Okay, close it
before you flush down, gentlemen. I trained my husband and that,
by the way, you know, closes before her flushes. Okay,
so other things, right, something I am shocked at how
many men on their profess to put pictures and put
(22:56):
two words or something or worse, they put a list
of what they're looking for in a woman. Sorry, dude,
just calm down, all right. You want to be able
to showcase some form of intelligence. The best way to
showcase intelligence is through a little bit of humor. But
be careful if you're not actually funny, don't even try.
All right, So here's what my husband wrote in his profile. Okay,
(23:18):
one sentence and I was like, oh.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
I got to know this man.
Speaker 5 (23:22):
He said, I have been on a dramatic path towards
mindfulness and authenticity.
Speaker 3 (23:30):
That's it. I'm like, oh, what is that path? And
it was quite a story.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
Yeah, you want to know more about it.
Speaker 5 (23:36):
I needed to know everything, but the way he framed it,
like I've been on a life's journey. It's been quite
dramatic their stories, and now my aim is to be
more mindful and authentic he's learned.
Speaker 3 (23:47):
Yeah, so write something. We can't stand it when you
don't write. The other thing is.
Speaker 5 (23:52):
Check your background. That background check that women do, guys
are so important. We are scroll and on the back
of your room and trying to figure out if that
lamp is from Ikia or restoration hardware.
Speaker 3 (24:05):
Okay.
Speaker 5 (24:06):
We are looking at your environment so carefully to try
to figure out if you have resources if you're on
your own.
Speaker 2 (24:15):
Doctor Windey, we got a game we're gonna play. Okay, Francis,
can you tee it up for us? Sure can?
Speaker 4 (24:22):
Okay, So, Doctor Wendy, this game is called yeah Na
couples should have joint social media accounts.
Speaker 5 (24:30):
Now, I think they should have access to each other's
passwords and phones. But I think that two relationships that
are too enmeshed start to squelch the individual and that's
when you risk having affairs and stuff because they're trying
to figure out how they can individuate.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Oh, absolutely not. Yeah, that's a note for me too.
Love at first sight is real to some people.
Speaker 5 (24:52):
It is, but we should understand the science behind it,
and more often happens to men than women. Men are very,
very visually wired, and it is a rush of a
cocktail of neuro hormones that involves dopamine, oxytocin, neuropenephron, et cetera, serotonin,
and it feels like a high to them. It feels
like they've been hit by a thunderbolt. But it's only
(25:14):
designed to get the bonding and very few people it
doesn't last.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
I don't know, right, so this is yeah or not?
Like I don't actually know. I believe it's very real,
so yeah, hopeless romantic? Okay, googling your date before you
meet them? Absolutely, Oh, I'm going down the full rabbit hole,
full rabbit hole. Same using doctor Google.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
I think we all do it. We're not supposed to.
The doctor's hate that we do it, but we do.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
I don't, Nah, you don't. I'd rather just go and see.
Speaker 4 (25:50):
I'm going to use doctor Google. I just need an
idea of what's going on. Wearing socks to bed in Canada, Yes,
only to really like soften my my feet. If I
feel like they just need a little bit of extra attention,
I'm gonna say nah, because Perry is knocking on the door. Perrymanopause,
TikTok life coaches.
Speaker 5 (26:11):
Not if they're like if they're unlicensed and they're not
a professor and don't have education, I have a problem
with Nah.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
Okay, I'm nah.
Speaker 4 (26:18):
I'm not maple syrup on everything.
Speaker 3 (26:20):
I'm not a sugar girl, but I'm Canadian, so yeah, nah.
Speaker 4 (26:25):
Nah, I'm gonna say yeaho Celine Dion.
Speaker 3 (26:30):
Child Bride, I'm sorry. I can't look her. Did you
see the documentary?
Speaker 5 (26:34):
No? Oh, well, she's got a very very bad illness
right now and she does her whole uh what's the
word seizure? She has seizures right on camera. But you know,
the guy she married and had kids with, he knew
her since she was twelve years old and he was
her music manager coach twelve years old, and then supposedly
(26:56):
they didn't do anything until she turned eighteen and he
married her.
Speaker 3 (26:59):
Oh, child bride, no word to go.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Because I was really just thinking musically. But yeah, but
I knew that question was gonna hit from you being.
Speaker 3 (27:10):
A relationship again.
Speaker 4 (27:12):
Relationships Yeah, Okay, I'm gonna say yeah because I love Selene.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Okay, okay, Toronto raptors.
Speaker 5 (27:21):
You know, when it comes to basketball, I think it
should be stay in America for the hockey people. Okay,
with the hockey people now, Okay, that's fair.
Speaker 4 (27:28):
Okay, nah Na America sad time. It's a now right now,
I'm going yeah. I mean I'm here, so I guess yeah.
Given relationship advice to strangers, yeah, when they ask for it, Nope.
Correcting people when they don't call you doctor.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
Oh, I don't care. I always say only my mother
would call me doctor.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
If you don't know what somebody's profession is. First name,
biasis I think is fair.
Speaker 3 (27:53):
My doctor, yeah, takes it all away.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
How about you, Francis, I'm gonna say, yeah, doctor, Winny
you drop some gems. We had to listen fast to
catch them all. Seriously, if we want more of you,
how do we find you?
Speaker 5 (28:10):
You can go onto my social media everywhere at Dr
Wendy Walsh short for doctor at doctor Wendy Walsh and
that's Instagram, TikTok, YouTube everywhere, and you can listen to
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on iHeartRadio locally at KFI
AM six forty, Los Angeles, but you can listen to
it anytime on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2 (28:29):
Yeah, are you perfect? That was perfect? So doctor Winne.
If somebody slides into your DMS, uh huh, are you
going to answer their question?
Speaker 5 (28:37):
So Producer Kayla here as well as my social media
manager December Brown are the ones who handle all that.
And so if there's something that's personal to me that
I need to see, they'll let me know. But otherwise, yes,
we answer social media questions on our radio show, and
everyone should know that I keep your identity completely anonymous,
your name, your handle, whatever, So yes, please send me
(28:58):
relationship questions and producer k will get him on the show.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
Okay, thank you so much, Doctor Wendy. Thank you to
see you and to get the full scoop, tune into
shamelessly Chanta's YouTube channel, and you're listening to shamelessly chante bye.
Speaker 6 (29:13):
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah.
Speaker 3 (29:25):
The proceeding was a paid commercial by Black Girl's son,
Screen
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