The Opener: April 12, 2024

Here's the opening segment for Friday April 12th, 2024, featuring a wild opening sequence 

Episode Transcript

(00:08):
Somebody was excited. Good morning morningCovio every Friday. Thanks man, Now
get serious, get serious, godeffing yelling. Top fifteen answers are on
the board. I'm actually pump.It worked on me. Fifteen random signs.

(00:31):
You're an old person now, okay, okay, Yeah, what's your
buzzing word? T T boy okay, top fifteen signs you're an old person?
TT Danny reading glasses? Oh mygod, Now I gotta find it.
He always does this. What's hardwhen there's fifteen of them? It's

(00:53):
hard presented his family feud? Yeah, you're and that means you think think
the answers are on the board.It was one of those I fifty eight
a M decisions. I don't seereading glass. This is the worst family
feud of all. You've probably workedon this too. BuzzFeed again, it'll
be better than the worst he newsever. Good night boy, you have

(01:19):
to pee at night a lot?Oh? Is that? I don't know
If you hit a strike on this, We're just gonna move on and play
the damn theme this what is wrongwith you? Look? A lot of
people were asked. Many people wereasked, all right, uh back pain,
Okay, you know what I mean. That's that's easy. That's easy.

(01:41):
But no, okay, I'm gonnagive you a question. I'm gonna
give you. I'm gonna give you. You can't stand or sit without making
some sort of noise just to makeDanny happy because he doesn't like the game.
Wants fine. No one's on boardwith anything. That's fine, we're
on board. But read and havingto pee at night. Those are like
the survey. Get mad at thepeople who took the survey. Get him

(02:04):
in at the host. I'm gonnago Ray Combs myself here because I can't
get the respect. Just play theintro. There, it is all right,
Here we go what they want usto do anyways, Probably can't about

(02:28):
death. This one on your mindall day. You never get it.
Get many bat your fastday. Here, we're gonna do a show. There's
the segments. See that's here's thesegments. Okay, we'll be serious.
We do have a new Danny Baylisintro at nine o'clock. Don't you don't
even promo that we we we justdo the segment. You play the thing,

(02:53):
you guys, snicker for two seconds. We get to the content,
the meat when we applaud you allright, what was number one? You're
so anti fanfare? Tell us whatnumber one was? Got me around?
Oh I'll oh, I'll just tothink. I want, I want to
go over this damn list because okay, this is ridiculous. Okay, just

(03:15):
give us one. It was numberfifteen, because there's fifteen answers on the
board, fifteen number fifteen, whichlook much like the judges on Family f
youd. I am pretty lenient.You drive by a nice house and say
that's a nice house. Well,that's something you never did when you were
young. Okay, so is thismaybe things you say or do? Okay,

(03:37):
not like physical like noises you make? Yeah, when you when it
rains you say we needed this rain. That's not on there. But yes,
how about you introduce yourself as Keithto ll cool J if you see
him. Okay, not all theseare good too, Keith to ll cool

(03:58):
J. Number one. You eata lot of tombs? Really, yeah,
they do that. Nice. Youget older and like, do you
have heartburn? Oh my god,I never had it until like five years
ago. Well you do, likethree years ago. You have acid reflux?
Oh my god. Yeah, you'resupposed to get the either prescription stuff
or the like OTC like pills orsomething, because my doctor said that all

(04:21):
the tombs it just kind of coachwhat's on top, you know, and
very temporary relief. It's not reallygonna solve. It's just very very temporary.
It's a band aid on a largerissue. It's like it's like drinking
away your anxiety. Right, Likeif you had a cup of heartburn and
you just set the tombs on top, it might cover the very top,

(04:44):
but if you drop the pill inthe bottom, it dissolves and fixes the
cup of heartburn from the bottom ofthe cup. And that comes from spicy
foods. And like for me,it's like if I drink like a lot
of whiskey. Yeah. Well,and then you wake up in the middle
of the night. You wake upin the middle of the night and you
feel like you can't breathe and you'regoing and you're right, it's there's just

(05:05):
like weird thing in your throat.It's like bubbling. That's acid reflux though,
right, Oh, I've had thatwhere you almos feel like you're in
a barf acid. Yeah, inthe middle of the night, and you
know it, what is that?Yeah, it's terrible. That's the worst
thing. Uh. And I inmy head, I blamed it on Seltzers,
which I'm kind of trying not todrink anymore. You're sticking a straight

(05:29):
gin. I'm a happier boy whenI do that. He came in the
other day to that basketball thing witha bottle of gin and he had like
a maniacal look on his whole Iheard batman villain. I came in with
some energy, didn't I. Yeah, it was nice. I had a
plan and I was like, I'mgoing to turn this thing upside down.
I went in, I read theroom for a minute. I said,

(05:49):
all right, let's pour my firstdrink gin. Ideas started going, that's
a sign you're an old person isyou're drinking gin own gin'rong with a gin
and tonic. That's common drink andif you're trying to go especially nowadays in
the world of non sugar tonic.But yeah, but you're trying to like
watch your figure, are you kiddingme? Has a ton of sugar in

(06:11):
it. But no, but theyhave diet and non sugar tonics. Okay,
that's probably creating heartburn as well.Make the aspartame in your body.
I do take in a lot ofaspertain with the fake diet drinks. So
bad for you your touring intake.Stay away from touring for the most part,
unless I feel like I need agreat morning boost with the Celsius energy.

(06:32):
You want club soda. You don'twant tonic as far as carbs,
all right, the tonic if it'sgot no sugar, it's got quinine in
it too. Yeah, Quinine.That's a Star Wars character. What is
your off the thing? I like, what does your say when you pull
up to the liquor store and I'llbe right back, and you walk out

(06:56):
with a handle of beef feeder andthey have to get the box. She's
like, oh no, not beefeater. He's gonna want to wallow.
Don't want to sleep next to Genny. Oh she has Genny O coming over.
He's snores, he's got heartburn.Song doesn't work like the alien movies

(07:17):
come to life. His dong doesn'twork. Let's leave her out of this
for the sake of me. SoI got a new It was a new
California gin with a little citrus kick, and it's botanicals without borders. There,
Danny, it's the tagline that reallysold me. I like aviation gin

(07:38):
now. Granted I come from afamily that builds airplanes and I like Ryan
Reynolds a lot, so it's aneasy mesh. Let's pull that, send
it to sales. Let's get thatgoing. But I don't, dude,
I used to drink but a tonof beer. I don't really like beer
that much anymore. I like afew different times of beer. I like

(07:59):
a beer here and there, butjust sitting and drinking beer anymore. I
love one. Uh No, Ido Rolltown Light, you know there,
they do have a couple of beers. It's like, not my favorite thing,
but Rolltown Lights my like probably favoritebeer that exists, and I tell
them market it more. Why doeseverything have to be about Dirk's beer.

(08:20):
It should be because it's Dirk,but it is pretty damn good too,
to Light or the Colt, thebig Germans, the big German I have,
but I went to the road TownLight. Yeah, you can have
whatever you want. And every timeyou like thirty sixth, every time it's
empty, you make your money,look at the options and you choose which
one you want. You purchase.It's to you consume it anything you like.

(08:43):
I'm just giving them company advice.Promote that one, because every time
I go to a store and Isee it, there's very few of that
and very more of others. Veryfew of that people are buying that.
Promote it more. Should beat theballpark, but they don't want to.
How many how many innings did hemake it through his his baseball gin experience

(09:05):
at the basketball party, because that'shis big claim. Well, he'll bring
in a big bottle of gin andgo I'm going all nine innings tonight,
and he typically gets pulled. Idon't know. After the third Mike Maddox
just walks in Cash's front door,little fully uniformed, and Kevin just lowers
his head. He knows there's thirtypeople here, but he knows who Mike

(09:26):
Maddox has arrived here for. Heknows this isn't just a talk. Actually,
Bochie comes out. They don't evenmattics anymore. That's just Maddi's coming
to get me, because that's justMaddick's going to get me because they don't
want me blowing out my third arm. Different. He was good, though
he was drunk, was good,but he was the last one to leave.

(09:50):
I was happy, really, Iwas want to leave. I got
out quick. No you did.I snuck out cook because I didn't tell
goodbye to anyone, and she's like, you should take goodbye, and I
said, I don't tell. Idon't say good to remember these people.
You were among the last people leave, because so was I. It's usually,
you know, at a party andthen people come and they arrive sporadically

(10:11):
and they leave sporadically and then maybetthe end of the night. It's just
kind of family there. Yeah,that's what it was. Family relatives and
Kevin ro Well. I had tomake sure that everyone get their payouts too
from them. I know. It'sultimate square. You were perfect that night.
It was my perfect little Kevio makesme think of the old SNL bit
from like the seventies, The Thingthat Wouldn't Leave. Do you remember that

(10:33):
Kevio? No John shows up ata at a house party and he's like
the last one there except the peoplethat are ready to go to bed that
live there, Like, oh wow, sure is getting late, and he's
like, you guys, got anysandwiches, You got any chips? I
am hungry. He just won't leave. But it's like a horror film.
Yeah, the thing that wouldn't leave. What's on TV? In your chair?

(11:01):
I have a Cash is before withJackbox TV for sure, playing way
too many games while Cash just wantsto go to bed. Yeah, what's
this cool new video game? It'slike two in the morning. Yeah,
yawn forced yawning. Mary's cleaning upon a show. Oh yeah, yeah,
the washer start. Okay, No, he wasn't that at all.

(11:26):
But you were among the last leave. But it was nowhere nearly fifteen people
there too. Yeah, it wasn'tall this were one of the last to
leave technically number three. Look atwhat else is on the list of number
two? You still print out yourboarding pass? Okay, I actually kind
of like having it. You dojust in case your phone dies you lose
a charge. I don't know,it's good to have. How about big

(11:50):
font on the phone? Oh don'tsee it, but yes, okay,
my font was set so big.I had to shrink it this week because
I'd go to the Masters app andhit the leaderboard and it would take it
would take d Chambeau like three linesto make it across. I can see
one or two golfers on theboard.I'm like, I gotta shrink this thing.

(12:11):
Mikey's Mikey's fought. It's like whenhe reads a text for me,
he has to read it letter byletter. Yeah, because only one letter
will fit on the screen. Scrollmy finger to get through d A and
oh that's from Bayles's Okay, it'snot that big, and I do the
bit set it to max, andI read text near people and wait for
them to like double take and lookover where it is like that. It's

(12:35):
the size of your skin. Can'tyou ever set your phone text of max?
I don't. I don't mess withthe thing because I don't want to
get it. This is sounds.I don't want to not know how to
change it back. The thing that'sfunny is not only does he set his
text to max, he puts hisglasses on too, Like what's the point
just the quick guys, So yougotta display and brightness and then text size

(13:00):
and then yeah, if you like, look at that's max like max textile.
Oh my god, I could seehis whole name and that's normal for
you? Or did you are doinga bit just maxed it? I don't.
That's way too big And no,I wouldn't need glasses if I said
it to that no, I keepit. What I think is because you

(13:20):
adjust right when you make it,you make it a little bigger, and
then you think that's normal. Sothat's like what I keep it at.
Look big to you. That's Ithink. That's about what I have mine.
I don't even need the glasses unlessit's low light. Is that about
the same for you right there?Yeah, that's the same as you're doing

(13:45):
great those girls he's texting es gees. Why do you have a bunch of
girl names with the name of abar next to him? Your contact?
Fine girl name landing girl named cosmos? What a DNA's It is always funny

(14:07):
though, when you're around someone youngerthat wants you to read something on their
phone and you don't have your glad, Like if Maddie came in here and
my glasses, she's hands with herphone. I just you know what I
do? I just go, No, I give it right back. You're
gonna have to read this to mate. That's why I keep my readers on
a nice chain. Your mom doesthat, yeah, so go Does she
ever just give you the phone back? Huh huh? She'll ask me to

(14:28):
read her phone and read the ingredientsnow, Yeah, which she doesn't ever
glasses. Yeah, anytime anyone evenapproaches me with their phone in their hand,
I just starts yelling no, thankyou, no, thank you.
Run. That's my nightmare. It'smy modern nightmare that anyone makes me look
at their phone for any reason.God forbid it's a video. A part
of life is people want to showpeople things. Though. Now you know

(14:50):
my problem. Never show me anythingon your phone. I'll be happier.
My problem is in the wild.I don't take my glasses with me,
like out and about. It's justa work or at home. Yeah,
I just don't carry them on me, So god forbid. You're on a
date or something and you go toa restaurant and they hand you the menu
and it might be a romantic endeavorand you see the menu and you're like,
I have no and you just handthe phone to the girl. You

(15:13):
go, can you order from me? Please? Do they have? You
know? Ask what's what's on there? What sounds good to you? Yeah,
it's terrible. She knows why?Huh does she know why? Yeah?
Of course, I mean you're makingit fun. She bought her ticket.
She knew what she was getting into. She knew she was dating Papa.
That's the one that yeah, Imean you will be that's the one

(15:37):
being locked in with Christina. There'sno judging on that kind of thing.
And for whatever reason I've told youbefore, she absolutely loves the deterioration of
my existence. Well, she knowsthat soon you'll be gone and she'll get
that huge inheritance. Yeah. True'sroyfortune some people think exists. It's weird
they do. I don't know why. Who's of money? Yeah? Powerboat

(16:02):
racer all right, not really likehe's a known thing that brings people millions
upon millions. Oh, power boatracing. That's it's not I never think
about it too much, to behonest, outside of knowing you. Yeah,
exactly, I don't even know itexists. I think about it sometimes
sometimes by knowing you, and sometimeswhen I drive past Popeyes. Yeah,
okay, thank you, I'll takethat. It's about like saying my dad

(16:26):
is financially like, my dad's theworld's most famous like lawnmower racer. You
know it's the Koboda kid. Well, I think it's cooler than that.
Yeah, right, Briggs and Stratton, Pappy, that's awesome, But like,
yeah, he's known in those circlesis like one of the best lawnmower
races. Like he cranked this thingup and yeah, I won a bunch

(16:48):
of championships. It's not like afull generation later. It's it's paying well.
Okay, so a nine room dealdid downbeat request live there? We
can't call it DRL dl RL DRLdown beat request lot there to debut.
Essentially, you can have anything youwant as long as I can find it.

(17:10):
I keep all a lot of stuffon my computer, probably too much
because my computer makes a lot ofnoises. You brought your external So if
you want an old bit, anold song, or you just want us
to talk about something, you canstill out a topic and we can you
know, meander around that for acouple of minutes. Tell an old story
from days gone by, tales ofyour It's essentially like tales of yours.
It's a request line, yeah,from the days of your If you want

(17:34):
to hear all the Masters winners byyear, we can do that. We
can do it twice, go forwardto backward, back and to forward.
If that's your request. We don'tknow the truth is, we don't know
what the request is. Nineteen fiftysix, So be ready for everything.
Nineteen fifty six three, No,wait, nineteen fifty six is Jack Burke
Junior? See right? Oh boy, oh yeah, I figured you just

(17:55):
have it up all day since it'smasters p Yeah, that is right.
Actually I just have the master masters. But that was close, and I
did not like that countdown. Thatwas too quick. I did not like
it was too quick. But yes, nineteen sixty eight Virginior at one over
he won, nineteen sixty eighteen sixtyone, I don't know, hold on,

(18:17):
thank you, Maddie. Nineteen sixday is a hard one because it's
six oh ninety six days, BobGoldie. Yes. One year after.
There's some tricks to that. Oneyear after in nineteen sixty seven, which
was Jesus my new favorite golfer.Oh, Gay Brewer. Okay, should
have heard Kevin's new character, Lordthe Gay Brewer. Hey, guys,

(18:40):
would you like some pilsners? Youlike ipa? It's India pallets. I
made it myself, boy, everybreak he wanted the debut Gay Brewer,
didn't he? But then when thelight came on, that character walked out
the door. No strange, ohga, gabre I do. There's tricks
to remember those like Bob Goolby.I remember, all right, sixty eight

(19:02):
that's the ultimate goal in golf.Sixty eight goal Bob Goldby. Sixty nine
is George Archer, who's famously likethe tallest golf forever and incredibly large nose.
So yes, I do picture sixteenGeorge Archer sixty nine in another person.
Okay, the best one nineteen fortyone is Craig Wood, and I'm
like forty one Dirk huge Wood,the biggest baller of all time. Craig

(19:27):
Wood, nineteen forty one. Ilove that you use the visual skill to
connect your There's only a few ofthose who work like that. Like nineteen
fifty seven. The winner's Doug Ford, but I think fifty seven Chevy.
It's it's not a fifty seven Chevy, it's Doug Ford. It's amazing to
remember people's names, the scenarios thatI have them in in my head when

(19:48):
I see them again, to remembertheir names, yeah, yeah, the
stuff that can't be repeated. Yeah, well, nineteen forty six, last
one, I'll tell you because theydidn't play for those three years because of
World War two forty three four FOfive nineteen forty six, an American one,
but his name was Herman Kaiser,which sounds like definitely somebody who's on
the other side of things. Sothat's an easy one too. I'm Mike

(20:08):
Syroy Danny Bals's year. That's KevinTurner. Go ahead. You're also doing
a lot of there's a couple whereyou knew. It was like Palmer and
Nicholas went back and forth, andthen Nicholas went too, like you knew
that order, Yeah, then youknew and you had it behind the gay
Brewer line of sixty seven. Okay, we go Jack and Ronie, Jack
and Arney and then nineteen sixty seven. Yes, I remember Gabe Brewer because

(20:30):
there's a change in the famousness ofthose who won the Masters that year.
God, it's amazing. So IGod, that's impressive. Thank you.
Anyway, Downbeat Request Live n nineo'clock today. I have two things written
already on my little list, okayand three actually, but to them,

(20:52):
we kind of we did a testrun, throw it out and see how
fast. No, because I havea couple. Okay, well does that
me not be able to to?No? I don't want to do that.
Okay, good, I don't either. I'll tell you I do have
Kevin the Actor, which we justheard last week, because I absolutely love
it. I do have the entireJust Ground Beef Song because I'm sick of
singing the part of it in myhead. I want to hear the whole

(21:12):
thing again. And then of courseI have Cade McNamara, Yes, the
quarterback. You know you just gottacome hard. Hey, if you want,
you can request an informal impromptu visitfrom Gaye Brewer. I might hear

(21:33):
the debut today, nineteen sixty seven. Masters cha, gay Brewer. I
don't want to sail to seven seaswith me. We're going to make your
own beer. Also, I've gota that roller Town is swill. You'll
need to try mine. I don'tcare if your friends are invested, it
doesn't matter. Can you play withyour own balls. I got my real

(21:56):
stuff. I got stat Wards outboy. I'll drink it the dead of
summer. I don't care. Thedead of summer's first. I'll take the
staff. It's more of a session, I pa. It's real drinkable.
It's got a fruit fruity notes ontop, and it's real a drill dry
finish. So you can just likesit at the pool and just drink them.

(22:22):
I'm gabre, Yeah, you're reallygood at grinding. There's no way,
gay. We grind, grind them, real good grinder. Yesterday I
go on grinder. We wrote thenews to the nation that OJ Simpson died,
or we did. We kind ofhave a if you took every radio

(22:45):
station in America, right. Imean, I'm not saying we were number
one, close because we were tryingto be responsible with what you know,
but man, we had it fromthe family within a couple of minutes,
and we're the top one percent ofradio stations with that news. And it's
guaranteed murderer news first stand teed.That's the show that broke the O J.
Simpson news to the world. That'show people will know us when they

(23:07):
see us on the streets. He'son that show that broke the O J.
Simpson news to the world. Wehave it a bit of an I
wants call it a two part segmentbecause I don't think it'll be like the
full thing, but it might be. But I watched yesterday from about three
two pm on until about eleven lastnight, I watched and pulled every single

(23:33):
Norm mc Norm McDonald weekend update jokefrom Saturday Night Live that was about OJ
Simpson, along with getting out mySNL book, going to the index,
finding the pages where they mentioned OJSimpson and get the full story. I
refreshed it in my mind of howhe got fired from Weekend Update. It's
amazing to get fired because of somethingOJ related. I'll give you the teaser

(23:56):
now. So the West Coast Presidentof NBC is Don Olbemire and he was
golf buddies with OJ. Oh.I didn't know that had maintained that OJ
was innocent because he had been friendswith OJ for twenty seven years. Had
basically now to Don Olimyer's credit,I will say this, he told like
he never said like, don't makeOJ jokes. In fact, he told

(24:18):
Jay Leno and it's in the book. It's pretty pretty well documented in the
book. So Jay Leno like,you can't stop doing what you do because
I'm friends with OJ. But youknow, Norm was swerving out of his
way to run over O J whenthere wasn't even news from OJ that week.
It's every week and I pulled thebest ones, but it's every week
and now OJ and you can hearthe crowd kind of god. But his

(24:42):
point. You know, Don Oldmeyersaid he didn't think normal was funny,
and Burn actually thought norms you two, No, I upper management has thought
that about all the similar dissimilarities duringcredit Don dude, Yeah, the similarities
are incredible. But I also becauseit's such a cultural thing, I started

(25:03):
going. I was like, causeyou pull it, and I've got all
these episodes and I was like,okay, so who's hosting Courtney Cox with
Blues Traveler? And then Hellia talkshosting with Muriel Hemingway. I don't even
know who that is. By allthese people, it's kind of fun to
watch who was the host at thistime because I think it is a larger

(25:25):
discussion in the end, after weget to the fun jokes and stuff,
it's the larger discussion about how youtook all this in. I remember this
being on my grandpa's house on courtTV. Danny said it before the show,
he said, change the way wewatched TV. It did, and
uh, yeah, I launched thecareers of so many people, so you
know, we got the way.Merrol Hemingway, the star of the movie
Personal Best with which dealt with thelesbian track stars ninety four ninety five,

(25:48):
oh no, probably like eighty three. Okay, so she came back in
the nineties and something she was hosting. It was weird that she was hosting.
You can look that up. Well, it's an incredible fun fact.
You just can not believe. Youknow why, because it was on HBO
like every other show was Personal Bestwith Muriel Hemingway. And of course my
little dumb horny ass was watching itbecause I heard there was lesbians in it.

(26:11):
Yeah, that's me swing out towatch black Swan. Black Swan's great
it is. I only watched itonce and I was blown away. But
I never would have wanted to seeit if I didn't know that there was
lesbian ball arenas. Yeap, thatwill do the trick, especially if they're
uh, what's her name, Natalieport Natalie Portman or Kira Knightley interchangeable in

(26:32):
my heart and both welcome. Ohwe don't write that. Don't write that,
Okay, So that's gonna be fun. We'll do all that, you
know, I mean, like JOJdied. We get to talk about it
for ten minutes yesterday, but Iknow we have more thoughts plus the audio
and the story's nuts because every timeOJ comes up. I think about Norm

(26:52):
MacDonald, which is probably not right, but it's what it is. I
think about the victims, Kevin ToxT. I think of Nicole and Rohan and
Fred. Do you think about Fred? The dad mm hmm, less than
the victor, the direct victims.Well, they don't know what you're thinking.
They're dead. What they don't Idon't Not today Fred on the list,

(27:22):
I've got your news of the weekaudio recab A far all You Walk
And for the ninth day in arow of Rashi Rice update next to ninety seven