The Opener: April 15, 2024

Here's the opening segment for Monday April 15th, 2024, featuring a weekend check and Danny's kid making us laugh once again 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
I played today with a ton ofgratitude and appreciation for the opportunity to do
this. I'm really glad I getto do it again tomorrow, and I'm
gonna remind myself I'm a dog andI'm ready for this moment. Good morning,

(00:28):
Metroplex. We're the downbeat here withour new green jackets on April fifteenth,
twenty twenty four, and we gotyou covered today with all the fun.
If it happened this weekend, wewere all over it because we are
active. Were your comedy first responders. Danny Bayless is here yep. Mike

(00:52):
Siroy is here, Mike there.It is a little sticky you damn rite
of them here? Hi? WhyKevin, Danny? Good morning? Good
morning fans. J J. Jacksonstill away on mysterious trip. Where the
hell to Boston? Where the hell? She would not give us the full
details. Mysteriously. I asked her, Honor, I'm like, what are

(01:14):
you doing there? And she's like, oh, you know, and then
she's kind of quiet. I predictedlast week Boston Marathon. You know what
today is? Yep? Today theBoston Marathon. Why wouldn't you tell us
that we want to support her?We could have made funny signs and held
them up on the side like you'llnever make it, or vote ninety seven

(01:36):
won the freak, Yeah, repurposethose or discount cigarettes for sale, doing
it in her stead. I alwayswanted to open up a little cigarette stand
on Dallas Marathon, you know,like cigars, cigarettes, good prices,
trinkets, knickknacks. Can you dothat? I wonder? Probably not what

(02:00):
sells smoke? When you can selllemonade? Can you can sell smokes?
Right? I don't think anybody smokesanymore. You don't think marathon participants are
a good target down We could havevapes involved with it too. I bet
there's a couple. But there's ahandful of marathon ers at the end of
it. They're just ready for anice Marble or one hundred. No way

(02:23):
like the Euros or the yeah whojust sucked out a Marborough one hundred,
sitting down with your little metal onat the finish line, all right,
man, the last place again.I think it was my lungs and stamina.

(02:44):
I must work on this somehow.I don't know how. If you're
used to smoking a ton and thenyou couldn't go the full length of a
marathon with that having your cigarette isn'tthat well? It smoke two back to
day, a pack a day evenyou're knocking one out like what every hour

(03:05):
and a half? Yeah, yeah, this old office building thing back two
packs a day. Let's say onepack a day. That's twenty SIGs and
you're awake what sixteen hours out ofthe day, man, I mean that's
more than one an hour. Iwas up to almost two a day,
two packs two a days. Yeah, wow damn. But it was more

(03:30):
like you. We would go outalways. That's the deal breaker. Man.
You can torture MinC. Yeah,monitor your your sig and take in
the daylight. But yeah, youstart adding beers and shots to that one
sip of booze, rolled through adozen ciggies in a in an alcohol exceeding

(03:50):
dude. Since I like all thetime I lived in Dallas, I would
say the place I smoke the mostcigarettes was the effing back of Twilight Lounge.
There's something about that patio, right, I guess, And I swear
to God, I have no interestin smoking a cigarette. I plan on
never having a drag of a cigarettefor the rest of my life. But

(04:11):
you catch me on a rough weekend, Like right now, it PLoP me
in the back of Twilight. I'mnot sure the whill wouldn't be uh down
to zero and someone next to me, I'm like, I'd give you one
of those. Got a extra,well, get one of those? Oh
man, I don't want to.I don't want to take your upside down
lucky in the way. Just leaveyou to leave on the table. Live

(04:34):
on the table, there'll be ourcigarette. My favorite was when you get
the rando coming up to you,can I can I buy a cigarette from
you? No? No, here, just take it. I don't know
if I've ever denied someone a cigarette, unless it was last maybe two.
I think I've shown like two eventhree, depending where you are, if

(04:57):
you're on a field at a concertor something, or like the look you
understand go elsewhere for your request.Fel like I'm sorry, I only have
nineteen left. Yes, a fieldat a concert, Yeah, okay,
okay. If I was again BigCoachella Weekend with Travis and Taylor and uh

(05:18):
Donald Glover, Donald Glover, Yeah, Don Lover the return of Don Lover.
But don't smoke. I get Idon't tell me what to do.
Philip Morris wants to join forces withninety seven the Freak Michael siroy At iHeartMedia.
Yeah, I don't know how thatwould work. It's still not allowed.

(05:41):
There's ways around it, absolutely thereis. I do live spots.
We just gotta tread, all right, don't actually mention that at some point,
don't you just go yeah? Actually, radio, we'll take anything.
My pillow welcome back. I mean, my pillow has been so much more
on radio advertising over the years.Don't you have one? Absolutely? I

(06:02):
do. Is it a good pillow? It's my favorite pillow? Really really
yeah, I think I have mypillow as well. I never forgot it
because my mom bought so many.She couldn't fit him in you You couldn't
fit him in her house. Byfive you get ten, Michael, I
do remember, its like ten yearsor she said, Michael, I sent
you a pillow. It's the greatestpillow. This is before everyone knew what

(06:25):
the hell Mike Linndell was changing theworld with. And I'm like, hell,
yeah, cool, great pillow.I mean, did you like it?
I don't eat. No. Iremember just thinking, I don't know.
It's whatever. It's a pillow.It's there's nothing out, it's not
like you're getting the head cube.Yeah, the memory, like the new
fangled whatever. It's just a pillow. I guess I may still have it.
I don't even know where it is. But she just like, oh

(06:46):
my god, wait until But thefunny thing is is that she saw the
infomercials on Fox News in the middleof the night and she's like, I'm
gonna get it, and then gotone for herself and lay down on it.
And because of you know how yourbrain works, She's like, this
is the most comfortable pillow. Thisis truly I feel like I've never had
before. And you slept on it. You tried it? Yeah? Did
you? Did you wake up withlike every day a different conspiracy. Yeah,

(07:11):
exactly, a fresh conspiracy here.Open your mind to what's really going
on. Implanted. I slept great, but I'm pretty sure the earth is
flat. Yeah, that feels timeto take on the day. It was
funny, exact mindset to me inthe mail, the whole thing. This
is twenty sixteen, twenty fifteen,and it's, uh, will you do

(07:31):
this pillow when we endorse this pillow? Absolutely sure, absolutely, I'll getting
no idea at all. Any ofthe noise around my pillow at the time
what the guy looks like they sendit to you, I'm like, okay,
well I'll just put the pillow caseon it, and okay, one
night. I mean, I can'treally tell the difference. Well weekend,

(07:53):
You're like okay, and they tellyou, like, your head will mold
to the and the pillow will moldto your to the way you sleep,
and I'm like, well, I'mall over the place when I sleep,
so I'll wake up every ten minutes. So it's a problem. What a
nightmare you are? Either way,I feel so bad for that's all right,
And when I got good sleep onFriday, when I took a sleep

(08:13):
bill, my Saturday was my Saturdaysucked because it was just out of it
all day long. It was terrible. And I don't want to feel like
that ever. I'd rather have theoff and on burst of energy. The
point is here, I am rockingon my pillow for eight years straight.

(08:33):
It just hasn't been at the topof my to do list. Go get
a new pillow. Well, ifyou like it, who cares. It's
not that I like it, it'sit's I don't hate it. Yeah,
he's right, I agree. I'mneutral. I think we've chatted about this
pillow shopping, because how do youeven know you don't? You go get
one online? How do you knowyou don't? You're getting sold a bill
of goods either way, and yougo to a store and what, I

(08:56):
guess, try it. I definitelyhave laid down the floor of a target,
you know, and tried to simulatelike, I don't know. Sure,
it's a pillow maybe, but youdon't know until a few days of
sleeping on it what it actually isgonna do. Yeah, there's there's no
way you could know what's going on. So you end up just looking for
one that's as similar as you canfind to the one you have already.
Then why not just keep that one? It feels soft enough, sure it's

(09:20):
not a brick, Like you're wideawake at a mall, like, yeah,
this is okay. It was theMall of America. Yeah, at
a Whole my pillow store. He'dgo in there and there's two big beds,
and I was like, I reallydon't think I need another one.
I'm good because I had one atthe time. You just didn't know.

(09:41):
He didn't know. Mike Lindell isa cardboard cutout of Mike G. Lindell.
This guy's all right, he's gota mustache, pretty someone who should
be making pillows. I don't knowif it's if a tweet exists, but
there is definitely a picture of me. Oh no, I'm old enough.
I got my arm around the cardboardcut out of him. Is it declaring
this is my man, my manwith my pillow. Definitely posting it out

(10:03):
for social media views and I lookat I'm going the extra mod for the
endorser. Yeah. And then yearslater you find out that Mike Lindell has
been really questioning the automatic voting systemsand all that stuff. I mean,
I don't even know his involvement andeverything, and don't care. I think

(10:26):
he might be going to jail orsomething. He's in trouble. He owes
a lot of money. I knowhe didn't sell enough pillows. Well,
just giving him away to radio personality, I know the profits just went down
the brain. Well, melm Overbrought up something a minute ago that reminded
me of something that happened yesterday.So my three year old Malcolm is the

(10:48):
funniest human being that I've ever met. My wife, all due respect to
you, Mike Sroy, thank youjust to be in the conversation. I
appreciate, I know, reset withhis quote last week real quick, because
that's my favorite thing ever. Ohthe one where we're walking down the street,
wide open, wide open, notrees, nothing, walking down the
street and he's kind of lagging behindbecause he what he likes to do on

(11:09):
walks is what I call efing around. And he's about ten feet behind me
and he goes, ow ow,I bumped my head, poor Malcolm.
And I looked around as like,dude, there is nowhere that you could
have bumped your head unless you hityourself in the head. While yeah,
entirely. And I looked at him, I go, where did you hit

(11:30):
yourself in the head? And helooked at me and he goes, Dallas,
Texas. He's a boy genius.It's like I just stopped asking questions.
You're like, well, gotcha.So we're putting him down for a
nap yesterday, and I typically,if I don't get enough sleep the night
before, which is every day,try to catch one with him for hour,

(11:52):
hour and a half. Sometimes he'llsleep for two hours, which is
crazy because he's three. He needsit. His energy is NonStop, so
he needs that midday nap. Andour routine as of late is watching a
couple of episodes they're eight minutes longof this TV show on Disney Plus called
Blue. Everyone's heard of it.Okay, everyone's heard of it, but

(12:15):
the real quick Bluey is they're afamily of dogs and they're Australian and it's
a mom and a dad and theyhave two daughters, Blue the older daughter,
and Bingo, the younger daughter.And they were playing a game and
he's almost ready to pass out.He were sitting there just kind of watching
it. And the thing that's greatabout the show's parents love it too,

(12:37):
because it's just enjoyable. And they'redoing some game. You know, they're
always dressing up, and they're doinga dress up game and Bingo, the
little dog sister, puts on adisguise and she's wearing glasses and a curvy
mustache. And Malcolm sits up outof bed and go, Bingo's being kevy.

(12:58):
Oh every mustache he sees is Bingo'sbeing kevy, being Kevio. But
he knows that Mario and Kevio aredifferent people. Yes, today, any
one day, I know, Iknow that's not Kevio. Yeah, I
know that's super Mario. I'll messwith you, but we call him Kevio

(13:20):
because what makes you laughed at Bingosbeing Kevio being keV in the street.
Take another twenty minutes to get youto fall asleep. Damn that was funny.
Anyway, that's all I have fortoday. What do you guys got?
Malcolm absolutely a month ago here tenseconds. I have a story because

(13:41):
I looked it up while we werechatting about it. A Chinese man known
as Uncle Chen just recently this yeartwenty twenty four, completed the yah Men
Marathon in three hours and thirty threeminutes. Whoa but was disqualified for violating
the races rules for smoking on thecourse. That's the way. Yeah,
yeah, damn it. If youdon't believe me, there's your photo of

(14:05):
this half. I've seen that pictureis and that was this year. Yeah,
he's crushing a sig while he's running. January twenty third, this year,
Chain smoked his way through the marathon, was dqed for smoking on the
course. The Chinese Association of Athleticsjust implemented a band on smoking last year,

(14:26):
So someone does it. Three hours, thirty three minutes oh no,
that's good. Sounds pretty fast.Also, my mom is up listening and
said, let's not make fun ofmom, and then followed up by my
pillow has a new one out?Interesting? And then just now, does
Malcolm have a my pillow? Yes, mom, he has one, we

(14:48):
all have him. No, butwe'd love you know what. I'll text
you my address in the break ifyou want to mail little Malcolm of a
toddler my well, we'll gladly useit. Let's see if my pillow has
a special yep, kids, pillowgotta love your mom. She's the best.

(15:11):
She's coming to town, really right, it will be among us on
Wednesday. I know who's co hostinga certain morning show for Thursday, Dude,
the Scuttle with Vida. Let's go, let's go the whole show.
Really, of course, but maybeshe filling in Friday's feeling on Friday.

(15:31):
I don't know. I don't care. We're left on Friday, Maddie.
See if you can find the weekendcrap intro should be in there, Maddie's
And for j J h uh oh, speaking of cigarette, a couple of
cigarette smoking in there. Man,had I had to this one is my
breakfast, cigarettes and water. Agirl, you have weekend crap? This

(15:58):
is going to be a maybe weekendcrap some crap. It's really not essential
to have it that it is.We're transitioning to that portion of the show.
What do you want to project onthis TV today? We could did
the Boston Marathon, but I don'tknow if that doesn't seem like a lot
of fun. Okay, let's do. You didn't tell her to play it.

(16:22):
You just asked if she had crack. Talk about it now. Crap.
I don't even know why we evenplay. I saw the hot Homeless
couple this morning. They're back.Yep, dude, they bought up.
They brought all their crap to thebridge, didn't they. Yeah, they
had a good weekend. Everything isthere. And I was stopped next to

(16:45):
them again for about five seconds,and I'm like, oh if I could
record, because I'm like, isthere any chance they know who won the
Masters yesterday? And then I realizedthey probably don't. But then for the
remaining forty seconds of the drive fromthat you turned to hear, all I
can think about is does the hothomeless couple know that today is Monday?

(17:07):
No? Actually yes? Because commercepicks up. Agree, So traffic patterns
there efforts on that, and nobodyknows traffic nobody knows traffic patterns better than
the hot homeless couple. Yeah,but probably not. Do they know Scotty
Scheffler. I mean he's from Dallas, grew up in Highland Parks. Probably

(17:29):
zip past him. He's probably ignoredthem. He probably ignored him a red
light. Look at his phone,still confused about where they're at. How
do you get you know he comesyou come south from the toy, right,
I don't get on the toy Okay. Then do you get here?
Are you on Spring Valley? No? Arapa? And then you come down
a service road turned to belt line? Huh? I do get on the

(17:53):
service road. I'm on the serviceroad, headed soud. Okay, you
just never actually get on the toyservice road because we come from the south.
Kevin, turn on Alpha. Yeah, we we exit Spring Valley and

(18:17):
then loop around the It's way fasterto turn No, it's not. You're
a dingling if you think that wedo a zip zip you you're right there
and they're right on that little median. Uh yeah, they're right on that
medium right when you do the Uturn. You see them to your right

(18:38):
as you're whipping around at them.They'll disappear, like for a week or
two, and all their stuff's gone. Today they're back and there you have
so much crap and it's real disorganized. It's gonna take them a while to
set up camp properly. I thinkthey get run out and then they have
an alternate place, and then theyeventually matriculate back to to this spot.

(19:03):
But there's a while. Was justa guy, and I thought they'd broken
up, you know, oh yeahmaybe, but they're hot. They're probably
going little breaks, you know,just so that it didn't get stale,
because they're keeping fresh. You're togetherall the time. You know, who
knows the couples? You know theygo off to their different jobs. Well,
they might be making so much moneypanhandling that when they disappeared, they're

(19:23):
on some lavish vacation. Right,it's possible to say more. Ritz.
I always wondered how much could youmake panhandling? All right, you want
to do that as a bet payofffor this week's RBC RBC Heritage Classic Bad
Bet Payoff News Guys, Yeah really, yeah, not by much either.

(19:51):
It was tight. It was tight, and you know what, not fully
confirmed because they get real shady withthe purse this year. I'll side of
the top fifty questionable numbers, don'tthink, but trust me, we did
the math. Don't think the dingerdidn't have the calculator pulled up on his
phone. They crunching some numbers lastnight before Bad when all I had to

(20:14):
do is just look over to theGoogle doc because of course Kevin's already got
it all tabulated on and audio ofeveryone talking about how much they made with
their purse. It is true andVerne Lundquist audio that's later. Damn it,
dude, Danny, you got me. You know how you got me.
Bryson Brison did well, can't lay, didn't completely suck. Rory kind

(20:38):
of turned it on a little bit. I got boned by guys like Brooks
kept gad, Tony finow Ugh andMatt Siama kill me. Was I just
in the clear with Scotty Yeah,uit nothing to worry about it because I
had the least amount of guys makethe cut. But then I figured I
was fine. You were fun easy. Three point six million dollars to Scotti

(21:00):
Schuffer for winning yesterday's Masters Scotty's winningsdoubled me and Kevin's. Yeah, I
figured I was fine once we hadn't. I will admit I don't cheer for
you to lose these bets at all, But for some reason this one,
I'm like, Danny's a real person. He doesn't need to be sending pictures
of feet with food in them's.I was like, I don't want to

(21:22):
poor Dan because you never tweet anyway, and you're pretty offline, I mean,
but not compared to him or evenme. Yeah, I feel like
it's a bigger punishment for him.We don't need him to be tweeting out
feet picks because it's us giggle abouthim. How many feet picks is it?
Three? Would already kind of hada strategy of mine too. Yeah,
yeah, like you play showing yourguitar and then your feet are just

(21:47):
kind of down there. Well,the first one would have been me getting
a pedicure, yeah, with asandwich, fully extended arm, sandwich left
arm, camera pointing at it,pick of people taking selfies and so much
better than selfie and portrait awkward positioning. All right, that would have been
an easy one. Yeah, theeasy one that would have been the first
one and the next one, andthen they did a good job. Look

(22:11):
with a soda with the little oneof the little separators that they put between
your toes, you get some nicecolor. Are you getting knock yours out
your your hot foot picks before youleave? They do? No, I
think we need European foot picks,foot picks from abroad. Exotic dude,

(22:32):
that's great. Yeah, like Positanoand Italy jam at and a bowl of
pasta. Yeah, touching the topof a Napoli style pizza. I think
feet are disgusting, Like I'm notin the you know, there are people
who love them, I guess,but that's always been a confusing one to
me. Like I can understand morewatching Hintie than getting into feet stuff.

(22:59):
It's one of the weirdest fetish isout there for me. Really. That's
the feet are pretty disgusting, man. They're just used to be our foundation.
They're used to collect all the germsfrom the ground. I don't want
to walk around barefooted. Ever,I'm a sock guy at all times.
He wears shower coming. I usedto kind of feel that way and then
something switch flipped. Yeah, Alot of time ago I don't know what

(23:22):
you've done. Everything else. It'slike Final Frontier. I'm footing different.
I'm not grossed out by him.I don't care. But I'm also not
looking up of that big toe inmy mouth. But if you do,
yeah, no problem. I don'tknow. This is like a Nickelodeon.
They used to really have a lotof like toe jam punishments and stuff and

(23:45):
toenails, and I don't know,it sticks with you over time. I
think you know that's somehow, whetherit's in person or just by watching it,
nickelode had found a way to abuseus. You know, these things
typically go back to child like youryour your, I don't know, affliction
with dogs. Yeah, did somethinghappen to you when you were little?

(24:06):
Which he's watching all that stuff onNickelodeon, like they legit. On one
of the games you had to finda flag family doubled there. But that's
just like in between the toe jam. You didn't have any foot trauma when
you were little that I remember.But okay, I also have huge feet,
So you don't twelve for a fivefoot eleven guy, maybe little above,

(24:33):
Yeah, I would ten and ahalf eleven would be about normal for
you. Hanging dog. Hell yeah, look at this. Beezer, Hell
yeah, beezer. All right,let's get out of here. That's what
we did over the weekend. Well, we know what happened this weekend.
Let's not act like we know everyoneknows what we did. We hung out,

(24:56):
We hung out, We watched theMasters. It's a good stuff.
I left my house and hung outwith Mikey. Hell yeah, it's hanging
out without me. Yes, thanks, guys, appreciate that. You wouldn't
have gone out anyway. I waslooking for action on Friday night at mid
or at what tenth? When didI arrive, like ten thirty to the
Cedars? About when I was Fridaynight at ten thirty. Yeah, that's

(25:22):
about when I was debating to dosomething. Though, you know what,
I still young. I'm the youngestperson on the station besides Christina. So
yes, ask well, it washer show and she talked about a lot.
I assumed you knew that oatmeal pizzawas at Lee Harvey's on Friday night
for well, you know what,You're right, I should have. I
should have too. It's fine,it's fine, you'll miss me when I'm

(25:45):
gone. You're leaving tomorrow, You'redying exactly tomorrow night somewhere over the Atlantic.
I do fear that pretty good.I'm going to do it, expose
on how many people have died inthe Atlantic Ocean for you tomorrow, damn
it, and the one thousand waysthe Atlantic can kill you. M h

(26:07):
well, you know, speaking ofthe Atlantic, you know what I was
terrified of when I was little.The Bermuda Triangle. Hell yeah, you're
going right. They say never flyover the heart of the Bermuda Triangle.
To this day, I've had pilotson say that and I actually checked your
flight plan. You are going directlyover the heart of the Bermuda Triangle.
Hell yeah, no, hell no, it's you might as well do it

(26:33):
if you're risking it. Anyways,my dad was fascinated with the Bermuda.
He had like books on it.It was like telling me stories about the
Bermuda tras, these these planes andthese ships. They just they fly over
there, all their compasses start spinning. It's such a lie. These captains
just lose all sense of direction andthey're never heard from or seen again.

(26:53):
And I'm like five, going,what the f I don't want to go
to the Bermuda Triangle essentially because it'sthe eastern seaboard of the United States and
there's a lot of travel on it, and it was at the beginning of
airplane travel and there's hurricanes. Well, let's not be late. Okay,
Hey, it's your last second,last day ever on the air. I

(27:15):
want you. I want to dowhat you want to do today. I
don't really want to her last dayon the planet. I want to talk
about Shakira's upcoming world tour and lookat Google images ever. But also people
are saying, this was the greatestepisode of Saturday Night Live in the last
five years? Was it next?On ninety seven? Won the Free