Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
I am going to make an assumption. I'll make two assumptions. One,
you know how condoms work and you know the appropriate
way to make them work. And then the second assumption
is neither one of you use condoms anymore.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Correct and correct.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
That is correct, But did you know there are common
mistakes with condoms.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Putting it on backwards and now to take it off
and put it back on the right way, just to
think that you got it the right way, but it's
not really the right way things are.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
It is bizarre how important these are, and there's literally
no instruction that happens now or we try to stop
it right.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
I don't think I've ever looked at the box to
see if there are instructions, you know, like with tampoons,
they give you detailed instructions on how to put dem
moffuckers in, but I can't remember. I don't think there
was an insert or even instructions on the back. I
was like, how to put your rubber on?
Speaker 2 (01:16):
What you learned in health class?
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Not really, not really with the banana, everybody's chuck. I'm
looking at the box on Walmart right now, and uh,
important information avoid exposure to direct sunlight or storage for
prolonged periods of time over temperatures above a hundred.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Don't keep them in your car for god knows how long.
Then try to use them.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Yeah, at least on the front and back of this box. Hey,
now there's no instructions.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Yeah, I don't. And again I can't remember if there
was any inserts or anything on the inside because they
don't put the tampoon instructions on the back of the box.
The insert that I'm gonna do. Yeah, that's what I'm
talk about.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Yeah, there's information inside the boxes. Okay, Well, apparently there
are some common mistakes people make with condoms. Wearing the
wrong size every time I go the fitter was never there?
Speaker 3 (02:25):
Oh uh.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Condoms come in ultra large and many other sizes. Quote
fit is one of the most important and most neglected
aspects of condom use.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
Uh. And that's a trial and error thing, right, Like
you think you're like, oh yeah, fuck, I'm a magnum guy,
right and you get out like that doesn't work. Do
you have to buy like three different fucking boxes or
whatever to find a size that fits you best?
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Okay, So one, I don't know when the appropriate time
to try them on is, right, let you pontificate on
that for a minute.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
In the dressing room at the Walmart, I.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Don't know that's what fitting rooms are there for? Do
I buy four boxes? I don't know what that means?
How do you try on condoms? And let's add the
second part in that, how do you try on condoms?
Am I supposed to masturbate and then stop and then
put on a condom? You walk in on your son
(03:28):
and he's by himself putting on a condom, You're gonna
be like, oh boy, hello, I'm just seeing its Wow,
you've just seen a defense.
Speaker 3 (03:36):
I'm just saying it.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
The fits now according to you.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
But yeah, according to Google, it says that, yes, kindoms
always come with instructions on their proper use, including how
to put them on?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Yeah, how to remove them. Yeah, we're going backwards though,
we're staying with this on the topic we've moved to. Okay,
and that is trying them on, Like, I'm not sure
how that happens. I'm not sure how you size it. Now.
There is a size chart here that that there's a
snug length. No, it's a measurement. I guess a snug length,
a standard length, a large length, and a oh good
(04:11):
for you extra large length magnums. So and it goes
from seven seven point two seven point eight to eight
point one.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
Get your tailor tape.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Shit, I'm sorry, I've got that wrong. I've got that wrong.
It's from the snug length small okay, you know, tall
as they call it a Starbucks all right, seven inches
to seven point eight and then standard is seven point
twenty five to seven point eight. Large is seven point
eight to eight point one, and then oh good for
(04:43):
you is eight point one to nine point four.
Speaker 3 (04:46):
These are all measured in length. That's length, okay.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
Now, girth snug would be anything between one point seven
to one point seven five inches, which uh yeah, okay yeah,
and then and then standard is one point seven to
two and then good for you is two point five
to two point.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
Eight down it's on a hunker.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Yeah. So what if I'm what if I'm built like
a tunicn but I'm snug.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Right that they don't Ah, maybe they make specialty condoms
for those those little what do they call them, little chubs,
those little fucking sausage pieces, you know what I'm talking about.
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
I've never experienced that, sir.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
They're literally called it's a sausage brand. It's called Chubb.
And they're just like little, like maybe like an inch
two and a half inches tall, what but fucking girthy
ass motherfucker sausage. And it's just like a little tiny sausage.
A little snack pack can get you on down the road.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
I am going to fuck up my Walmart algorithm.
Speaker 3 (05:53):
He searching for Chubs.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
No, they apparently come in variety pack sizes.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
The condoms are the chubs we got. I know what
we're talking about here. We talking robbers or tiny sausage.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
No condoms too, so if you needed one for your
your thumb. Okay, but this says doesn't say this doesn't
say variety pack sizes. This says variety pack like uh,
ribbed her pleasure twisted. Yeah, that is different than what's see.
This size thing is not real. I'm convinced of it.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
I thought they were all like one size fits most
except for the magnums. I agree. Those are for you know,
big Dick Larry over.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
There right, good for you.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Yeah. When I put into the search of my variety
pack condoms, which is what the article says, you need
to do, not sure what size you could grab a
variety pack or a handful of free samples and try
different options by yourself until you find a model you like. Fuck,
can I take this for a test drive?
Speaker 3 (06:53):
You're right, I'll be back. I'm a good try out,
just rubbery real quick.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Just to see that, or wearing a condom for a
young person, at least for my growing up, was very stressful,
very anxiety driven. Right now, I got to add on
the sizing.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
Yeah, well, you don't want it to fall off. Have
you ever had to go fucking risk deep in agin
or trying to rap it out of a hat?
Speaker 1 (07:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (07:18):
Yeah, scarves? Is that a ring?
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Here's another one of the common mistakes with condoms. Not
checking the expiration date.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
That's fair, that's fair. You just assume, you know, if
you bought it from the store whatever, that that is
gonna be good.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
But how long are they supposed to last?
Speaker 1 (07:46):
I don't know. I think it's just whatever the type
you have and the people that manufacture them.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
I would think, Yeah, I think a lot of it
depends on like your storage, like they he had mentioned earlier,
don't be keeping it in you know, direct sunlight, because
that's going to cause it to expire faster, just like
if you put a glass of milk in direct sunlight,
it's going to spoil quicker.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Uh, it says also pay attention to the packaging. Hey, now,
if the foil looks crumpled, faded, or damaged, don't use it.
Speaker 3 (08:19):
You've been taking it out of your pocket and putting
them back in, taking them back out and putting it
back in, just hoping. Maybe this is the day.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Ripping it while opening not knowing how to open it correctly.
That makes complete sense. Yeah, there's a real tendency for
people to own them open condom wrappers with their teeth.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
What why are you open it like a bag of chips.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
No, I just rip it like I'm right, I just
rip it with my hand. I don't use my teeth.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
I've never never, I've used my teeth to open them
all before.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Uh. Some cases, scissors or even long nails will damage
the condom and you won't even know it. Sometimes jewelry, rings, bracelets,
and watches can catch the edge as you're opening the condom.
The best way to avoid this is to open the
wrapper carefully by hand and take your time, because if
(09:13):
there's any environment that warrants patience. It's when your dick
is rock hard and she's ready to go right that
that's like fucking knocked up.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Oh just hurry up and fucking do it already. And
he forages before goes it because he's fumbling with the
goddamn condom, and then that's how he ended up getting
her getting her knocked up.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Yeah, condom, common condom, common condom mistakes. We're at number
four where we finally get to one where I'm like, yeah,
I remember this, okay, and that is not leaving space
at the tip.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
You got to the reservoir tip.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Yeah, that is something that I knew was a thing
you had to do. It doesn't stick it to number
four before I was like, oh yeah, and that feels familiar.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
I'mly a problem that I can really.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Waiting too long to put the condom on. Short of
and I haven't read this, short of having some intimacy before,
that's the only thing that I would know. I don't
know if you know what I mean, Like, Hey, I'm
just gonna do it a couple of times and then
I'll put the condom on. Of course that's a bad idea. Well, yeah,
lots of people see the application of the condom as well,
(10:22):
not very sexy. It's common misunderstanding that protection only matters
at the point of ejaculation. Yes, that's pretty much what
we're saying, right, Oh, that's.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
What the say. But precomes a thing, you know, and
they say you can get knocked up off of that.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Storing them improperly. I think this goes along with the
expiration date, right.
Speaker 3 (10:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Storing in a wallet, pocket, car, or any place temperature
can get too high or fluctuate is detrimental to the
structural integrity. So where should you, it says, store them
in a cool, dry place, apparently that bitch's vagina, and
away from any sharp objects.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Right, So don't be stuffing them down in your pocket
with your keys and your pocket knine.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Grab a few and bring them with you on a date. Well,
you've got.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
Big fucking plans over there.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Yeah, And what you're gonna like, hold on me, I
can't do you see my keys? And you're like, oh,
why do you have four condoms?
Speaker 3 (11:21):
The article sure.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yep, pairing them with oil based lubricants. I'm gonna be honest,
I've never mixed my peanut butter.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
And jelly m They say that's a bad thing. Huh,
It says.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Lube is important and overlooked in a lot of sexual life.
Different lube formulations have varying pros and cons to keep
track of. One combo that especially should be avoided is
an oil based lube with a latex based condom. Okay,
Using oil based lubricants deteriorates the latex.
Speaker 3 (11:57):
Okay, that makes sense. Use water so it's like pouring
gasoline and a stire from cop.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Here you go, Good for you. Unrolling the condom on
the penis first. Another big user error is putting the
condom on the tip of the penis, realizing it's inside out,
and then flipping it so I'll roll down properly. Yet
now the precumb is on the side of the tip
of the condom that is going to be in contact
(12:25):
with your partner. I can't believe number nine is actually one.
In terms of common condom mistakes, common means more than average.
Reusing a condom, my.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
God, flip it inside out? Poor? Pour you some rubbing
alcohol on there? Just right off, man, it.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Says, uh, seems obvious, but never use a condom twice.
Reusing is prone to all sorts of fluid leakuages, lick leakages.
I'm not sure you would get it off. You ever
tried to have a rubber glove on and try to
get it out? Get it off with the right right right?
Never works off that way. No, Another one on here.
Wearing two condoms at once as a condom a common
(13:18):
condom mistake.
Speaker 3 (13:21):
We've made fun of double baggers, right, she's so fucking
ugly or so fucking lose. You got a double bag
I don't thinking.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
I never have double the protection. It does not increase protection.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
What it does if it fills in the gaps or
your loose ass vagina.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
You ever tried to wear two socks with your pair
of shoes. It's not comfortable, right, but keeps you warm
in the winter time. Another one or the last one
on here, is not having multiple condoms on hand. Again,
being honest, I don't ever remember rolling with more than one.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Oh, usually that's all you mean. I mean, unless you
know you have plans to spend the night and you're like, Okay,
well you're gonna do it tonight after dinner or whatever,
and then again tomorrow morning when we wake up, and
possibly in the middle of the night, and I guess
but then you just bring up a whole ass bucket box,
(14:15):
right if.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
It breaks, so you've got back up, back up. Yeah,
it says zero or one condoms are not the ideal
amount to have on hand.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
Zero or one. No woman has ever asked, hey, how
many condoms do you have on you? I was gonna
send a mixed message be like, oh, we're gonna fuck
a lot now.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
No, it's always do you have a condom?
Speaker 3 (14:38):
Right? Rock? Do you have multiple condoms?
Speaker 1 (14:41):
In case we're gonna go like, hey, right, compliment? Uh?
I think if you handled it where you're you know,
you went to get some quarters out of your pocket
because you need quarters. I guess, uh, and you've got
three or four condoms that stumble out if you said
something like listen, I take safe sex seriously, it has
zero to do with my expectation of and more about
you never know. Sure even that sounds bad, right, No?
Speaker 2 (15:04):
No, I think it sounds more like, oh, like I
think that would turn some women on really like yeah,
oh he's safety first, and like he's not expecting anything.
It's kind of like that's a turn on.
Speaker 3 (15:19):
Not I'm gonna we're gonna fuck like monkeys or I'm
gonna tit that ass up tonight several times.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. You tell me when
to stop. You say stop when you think we've reached
the spot, right.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
Keep going, keep going. Box is almost empty.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
I think they're missing one on this. Let's there's such
thing as too many condoms.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
True.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
If you have a Sam's Club box in your bathroom
under the sink, I think that might be too much.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
No, that's fine. If it's in your bathroom room underneath
the sink. You know as well as I do. Corbyn.
You start putting it in your pockets, it starts bulting
them up. You got your keys, you got your phone,
you know what I mean. And then if you've got
this giant you could tell there's something in your pocket,
but it's look a little squishy, and then it crunches
(16:17):
when you walk. I think that's that's too many.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Yeah, I I don't know. I know in my house,
I'm not gonna rely on the school to be the
educators of all that. Right, I'm gonna take it upon
myself because I don't trust no motherfucker.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
Oh that makes sense.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
I don't want to be Grandpa. I want to be like,
I'm gonna be like almost sixty sixty sixty five, I
think maybe even seventy before I'm a grandpa. Yeah yeah,
I mean that is grandpa age. I guess I don't know.
(16:59):
I am twice so I'm only forty five, right, No,
it's more common than ever. Yeah yeah, yeah, but I
want my oldest to be in her thirties with wherever
she is in her career established right now, she establishes
her career in her twenties and all that, then okay,
it's her decision. By the way, I don't give a shit,
but I'm not expecting that for a good fifteen years.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
Yeah yeah, I know that's that is a good want
to sure, sure, absolutely sure.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
But if I'm on the eight year plan right then
or seven?
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Right? Fuck? You ain't got that long?
Speaker 1 (17:34):
No, God, which lindsay that means, lindsay, if she's on
that plan, she's at four, because he's what fourteen fifteen,
so three in three years, you could be a grandma.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
You could be one right now, just saying that's fifteen
years old.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Right, No, he's still a virgin. We have these talks.
But I just realized having this condom conversation. I'm forty
three and I've never bought a condom in my life.
But by the time I do, my first time buying
a condom will.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Not be for me. It will be You're gonna buy
him for him.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
I will buy them and say.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
Hey, try this on.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
No, but oh come on, Lens, you can't do that.
You got to let him do it because there's gonna
be a little bit And I'm not saying I know
your kid, but there is a little bit of embarrassment
that goes along with the idea of that. And I
know you have a good relationship with him, but I
think more importantly, it teaches him to go do it
by himself. So without and you can't go with him
(18:36):
right to buy them, that will be very awkward for you.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Feel I would rather.
Speaker 3 (18:43):
Do it.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
I would rather him have them have access to them,
just in case, you know, the opportunity presents itself.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Have you had the condom conversation with him?
Speaker 3 (18:56):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Oh yeah, you've told him he needs to buy some,
he needs to wear them. Okay, but did you tell
me he needs to buy them?
Speaker 2 (19:04):
No. I think they were given some in school because
they had the He's gone through the h the talk
at school twice and they've taught them with the banana.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
Like you mentioned, get a goddamn dildo. What are we doing?
Speaker 3 (19:21):
Looks like?
Speaker 1 (19:22):
No, dick looks like but uh, I don't know. I
don't know. Mine doesn't look like a banana fucking Gonzo's
third day banana?
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Right?
Speaker 3 (19:34):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (19:34):
Yeah, But I think that's part of it too, right,
like yeah, removing the embarrassment or shame that comes along
with buying one.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
Did your mama get your rubbish for?
Speaker 1 (19:44):
Come on? You like you like the cheese? I got
some in red and gen When did you you? You're
a largeh. I'm just saying, right, I have figured out.
Let's navigate it. Hey, I'm going to take you to
the grocery store. I'll wait in the car. You need
(20:06):
to go in and buy some condoms and we'll talk
about it when you get out. What was it like?
Are you you know? I don't want you to be embarrassed.
It's very normal. It is attractive to protect your body, yes, right, yeah, and.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
This is not the okay to go have sex.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
But I don't think that helps your case when you
said no, no, he's going to have sex and probably
not tell you when it happens.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Did you tell your mama? No, Dad, No, Nor did
I No. No. As a matter of fact, I didn't
tell him about any of the times that I had sex,
not when it first happened, and not the last time
that it happened.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
The only time I remember telling my mom we had
sex is when I showed up with a picture of
a fucking baby on camera. Yeah, that's the only time
I've ever told my mom. And I didn't say we banged, right,
I said, you're going to be a grandma.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
We all know how babies are made, so yeah, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wonder if people actually do that, if people actually
tell young children whatever, tell their parents. Hey, I had said,
I I didn't have to ask. I knew exactly when,
not exactly when, like to the moment, the day, the hour.
(21:23):
But my youngest boys, he's eighteen, and I knew when
he made that switch because they change, and that same
way with my oldest boy, Yeah, his balls dropped. Something changes,
It changes mentally, you know, they change mentally, and they
start carrying themselves a little different, talking a little different.
The innocence is lost, and that's when I knew. I
was like, ah, you're getting laid. That's good for you.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
I mean, I hope that we're trying really hard to
create a house of openness and like we use the
word vagina and penis, and like we talk about periods
because I'm trying to make you all mothers have a
hard time, right, I'm trying to normalize it that men
talk about periods with my daughters. So I hope that
(22:08):
I don't want them to be like mom, I had
sex a vibe like I don't want that, right, but
I want if I ask, hey, are you being sexually active,
they'll go yes and not feel like they can't say that. Right.
That's what I want.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
That's the hopes. Yeah, But whether or not that happens
is a different story, because.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
I sure, but there's no whether or not I wake
up in the morning. There's uncertainty in everything, right.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
Right, right. I just think that the and you may
be different probably is in your house. But there's still
some I don't want to say embarrassment, but a little
maybe a little embarrassment, little coyous, little shyness, little modesty,
I guess when it comes to that sort of thing. Sure,
damn no, Dad, I didn't when they did.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Yeah, I think that's obviously entirely possible. But I'm trying
to foster an environment where I'm helping you build the
scaffolding to be an adult. I'm not trying to punish
you for attempting at being in it.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Whether I'm successful or that, I don't know all you do,
but I can tell you this. It'll be all right,
It'll be all right. I know that. But the idea
of talking about condoms, I think is an interesting topic
to have with your kids or how about your partner.
Right you get married, we talk about the sactity marriage.
(23:25):
Not once do you sit down and go, hey, do
you do you see us having a sex talk? If
we ever have kids, I'm not talking about that. If
we have girls, do you want to talk about periods?
Will you be there to take care of, you know,
the girl when she has her first period. I'm not
bond condoms, I'm not bon tampons. Right, you don't have
those conversations, but those are the vital things that happen, right,
(23:49):
not fucking Hey, you like football? I like football. Maybe
it's just me. Maybe I'm just weird that way. Uh,
give me announced to the Battle of the Bands. Or
to do with Cancer Sucks. If you've listened to the
show a while, you know what we're talking about. We'll
explain that more in the coming weeks as you'll have
a chance if you have a band, to submit a
one song demo to us and we picked the top
(24:12):
five of the submissions and the top two will perform
at the Cancer Sucks concerts. You guys, have a fantastic week,
and if you like the podcast, please tell others about
it or not.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
You see ye bye bye
I am going to make an assumption. I'll make two assumptions. One,
you know how condoms work and you know the appropriate
way to make them work. And then the second assumption
is neither one of you use condoms anymore.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Correct and correct.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
That is correct, But did you know there are common
mistakes with condoms.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Putting it on backwards and now to take it off
and put it back on the right way, just to
think that you got it the right way, but it's
not really the right way things are.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
It is bizarre how important these are, and there's literally
no instruction that happens now or we try to stop
it right.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
I don't think I've ever looked at the box to
see if there are instructions, you know, like with tampoons,
they give you detailed instructions on how to put dem
moffuckers in, but I can't remember. I don't think there
was an insert or even instructions on the back. I
was like, how to put your rubber on?
Speaker 2 (01:16):
What you learned in health class?
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Not really, not really with the banana, everybody's chuck. I'm
looking at the box on Walmart right now, and uh,
important information avoid exposure to direct sunlight or storage for
prolonged periods of time over temperatures above a hundred.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Don't keep them in your car for god knows how long.
Then try to use them.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Yeah, at least on the front and back of this box. Hey,
now there's no instructions.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Yeah, I don't. And again I can't remember if there
was any inserts or anything on the inside because they
don't put the tampoon instructions on the back of the box.
The insert that I'm gonna do. Yeah, that's what I'm
talk about.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Yeah, there's information inside the boxes. Okay, Well, apparently there
are some common mistakes people make with condoms. Wearing the
wrong size every time I go the fitter was never there?
Speaker 3 (02:25):
Oh uh.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Condoms come in ultra large and many other sizes. Quote
fit is one of the most important and most neglected
aspects of condom use.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
Uh. And that's a trial and error thing, right, Like
you think you're like, oh yeah, fuck, I'm a magnum guy,
right and you get out like that doesn't work. Do
you have to buy like three different fucking boxes or
whatever to find a size that fits you best?
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Okay, So one, I don't know when the appropriate time
to try them on is, right, let you pontificate on
that for a minute.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
In the dressing room at the Walmart, I.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
Don't know that's what fitting rooms are there for? Do
I buy four boxes? I don't know what that means?
How do you try on condoms? And let's add the
second part in that, how do you try on condoms?
Am I supposed to masturbate and then stop and then
put on a condom? You walk in on your son
(03:28):
and he's by himself putting on a condom, You're gonna
be like, oh boy, hello, I'm just seeing its Wow,
you've just seen a defense.
Speaker 3 (03:36):
I'm just saying it.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
The fits now according to you.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
But yeah, according to Google, it says that, yes, kindoms
always come with instructions on their proper use, including how
to put them on?
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Yeah, how to remove them. Yeah, we're going backwards though,
we're staying with this on the topic we've moved to. Okay,
and that is trying them on, Like, I'm not sure
how that happens. I'm not sure how you size it. Now.
There is a size chart here that that there's a
snug length. No, it's a measurement. I guess a snug length,
a standard length, a large length, and a oh good
(04:11):
for you extra large length magnums. So and it goes
from seven seven point two seven point eight to eight
point one.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
Get your tailor tape.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Shit, I'm sorry, I've got that wrong. I've got that wrong.
It's from the snug length small okay, you know, tall
as they call it a Starbucks all right, seven inches
to seven point eight and then standard is seven point
twenty five to seven point eight. Large is seven point
eight to eight point one, and then oh good for
(04:43):
you is eight point one to nine point four.
Speaker 3 (04:46):
These are all measured in length. That's length, okay.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
Now, girth snug would be anything between one point seven
to one point seven five inches, which uh yeah, okay yeah,
and then and then standard is one point seven to
two and then good for you is two point five
to two point.
Speaker 3 (05:07):
Eight down it's on a hunker.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
Yeah. So what if I'm what if I'm built like
a tunicn but I'm snug.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Right that they don't Ah, maybe they make specialty condoms
for those those little what do they call them, little chubs,
those little fucking sausage pieces, you know what I'm talking about.
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
I've never experienced that, sir.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
They're literally called it's a sausage brand. It's called Chubb.
And they're just like little, like maybe like an inch
two and a half inches tall, what but fucking girthy
ass motherfucker sausage. And it's just like a little tiny sausage.
A little snack pack can get you on down the road.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
I am going to fuck up my Walmart algorithm.
Speaker 3 (05:53):
He searching for Chubs.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
No, they apparently come in variety pack sizes.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
The condoms are the chubs we got. I know what
we're talking about here. We talking robbers or tiny sausage.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
No condoms too, so if you needed one for your
your thumb. Okay, but this says doesn't say this doesn't
say variety pack sizes. This says variety pack like uh,
ribbed her pleasure twisted. Yeah, that is different than what's see.
This size thing is not real. I'm convinced of it.
Speaker 3 (06:24):
I thought they were all like one size fits most
except for the magnums. I agree. Those are for you know,
big Dick Larry over.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
There right, good for you.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Yeah. When I put into the search of my variety
pack condoms, which is what the article says, you need
to do, not sure what size you could grab a
variety pack or a handful of free samples and try
different options by yourself until you find a model you like. Fuck,
can I take this for a test drive?
Speaker 3 (06:53):
You're right, I'll be back. I'm a good try out,
just rubbery real quick.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
Just to see that, or wearing a condom for a
young person, at least for my growing up, was very stressful,
very anxiety driven. Right now, I got to add on
the sizing.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
Yeah, well, you don't want it to fall off. Have
you ever had to go fucking risk deep in agin
or trying to rap it out of a hat?
Speaker 1 (07:17):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (07:18):
Yeah, scarves? Is that a ring?
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Here's another one of the common mistakes with condoms. Not
checking the expiration date.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
That's fair, that's fair. You just assume, you know, if
you bought it from the store whatever, that that is
gonna be good.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
But how long are they supposed to last?
Speaker 1 (07:46):
I don't know. I think it's just whatever the type
you have and the people that manufacture them.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
I would think, Yeah, I think a lot of it
depends on like your storage, like they he had mentioned earlier,
don't be keeping it in you know, direct sunlight, because
that's going to cause it to expire faster, just like
if you put a glass of milk in direct sunlight,
it's going to spoil quicker.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Uh, it says also pay attention to the packaging. Hey, now,
if the foil looks crumpled, faded, or damaged, don't use it.
Speaker 3 (08:19):
You've been taking it out of your pocket and putting
them back in, taking them back out and putting it
back in, just hoping. Maybe this is the day.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Ripping it while opening not knowing how to open it correctly.
That makes complete sense. Yeah, there's a real tendency for
people to own them open condom wrappers with their teeth.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
What why are you open it like a bag of chips.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
No, I just rip it like I'm right, I just
rip it with my hand. I don't use my teeth.
Speaker 3 (08:47):
I've never never, I've used my teeth to open them
all before.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Uh. Some cases, scissors or even long nails will damage
the condom and you won't even know it. Sometimes jewelry, rings, bracelets,
and watches can catch the edge as you're opening the condom.
The best way to avoid this is to open the
wrapper carefully by hand and take your time, because if
(09:13):
there's any environment that warrants patience. It's when your dick
is rock hard and she's ready to go right that
that's like fucking knocked up.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Oh just hurry up and fucking do it already. And
he forages before goes it because he's fumbling with the
goddamn condom, and then that's how he ended up getting
her getting her knocked up.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Yeah, condom, common condom, common condom mistakes. We're at number
four where we finally get to one where I'm like, yeah,
I remember this, okay, and that is not leaving space
at the tip.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
You got to the reservoir tip.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Yeah, that is something that I knew was a thing
you had to do. It doesn't stick it to number
four before I was like, oh yeah, and that feels familiar.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
I'mly a problem that I can really.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Waiting too long to put the condom on. Short of
and I haven't read this, short of having some intimacy before,
that's the only thing that I would know. I don't
know if you know what I mean, Like, Hey, I'm
just gonna do it a couple of times and then
I'll put the condom on. Of course that's a bad idea. Well, yeah,
lots of people see the application of the condom as well,
(10:22):
not very sexy. It's common misunderstanding that protection only matters
at the point of ejaculation. Yes, that's pretty much what
we're saying, right, Oh, that's.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
What the say. But precomes a thing, you know, and
they say you can get knocked up off of that.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Storing them improperly. I think this goes along with the
expiration date, right.
Speaker 3 (10:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Storing in a wallet, pocket, car, or any place temperature
can get too high or fluctuate is detrimental to the
structural integrity. So where should you, it says, store them
in a cool, dry place, apparently that bitch's vagina, and
away from any sharp objects.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Right, So don't be stuffing them down in your pocket
with your keys and your pocket knine.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Grab a few and bring them with you on a date. Well,
you've got.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
Big fucking plans over there.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Yeah, And what you're gonna like, hold on me, I
can't do you see my keys? And you're like, oh,
why do you have four condoms?
Speaker 3 (11:21):
The article sure.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yep, pairing them with oil based lubricants. I'm gonna be honest,
I've never mixed my peanut butter.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
And jelly m They say that's a bad thing. Huh,
It says.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Lube is important and overlooked in a lot of sexual life.
Different lube formulations have varying pros and cons to keep
track of. One combo that especially should be avoided is
an oil based lube with a latex based condom. Okay,
Using oil based lubricants deteriorates the latex.
Speaker 3 (11:57):
Okay, that makes sense. Use water so it's like pouring
gasoline and a stire from cop.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Here you go, Good for you. Unrolling the condom on
the penis first. Another big user error is putting the
condom on the tip of the penis, realizing it's inside out,
and then flipping it so I'll roll down properly. Yet
now the precumb is on the side of the tip
of the condom that is going to be in contact
(12:25):
with your partner. I can't believe number nine is actually one.
In terms of common condom mistakes, common means more than average.
Reusing a condom, my.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
God, flip it inside out? Poor? Pour you some rubbing
alcohol on there? Just right off, man, it.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Says, uh, seems obvious, but never use a condom twice.
Reusing is prone to all sorts of fluid leakuages, lick leakages.
I'm not sure you would get it off. You ever
tried to have a rubber glove on and try to
get it out? Get it off with the right right right?
Never works off that way. No, Another one on here.
Wearing two condoms at once as a condom a common
(13:18):
condom mistake.
Speaker 3 (13:21):
We've made fun of double baggers, right, she's so fucking
ugly or so fucking lose. You got a double bag
I don't thinking.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
I never have double the protection. It does not increase protection.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
What it does if it fills in the gaps or
your loose ass vagina.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
You ever tried to wear two socks with your pair
of shoes. It's not comfortable, right, but keeps you warm
in the winter time. Another one or the last one
on here, is not having multiple condoms on hand. Again,
being honest, I don't ever remember rolling with more than one.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Oh, usually that's all you mean. I mean, unless you
know you have plans to spend the night and you're like, Okay,
well you're gonna do it tonight after dinner or whatever,
and then again tomorrow morning when we wake up, and
possibly in the middle of the night, and I guess
but then you just bring up a whole ass bucket box,
(14:15):
right if.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
It breaks, so you've got back up, back up. Yeah,
it says zero or one condoms are not the ideal
amount to have on hand.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
Zero or one. No woman has ever asked, hey, how
many condoms do you have on you? I was gonna
send a mixed message be like, oh, we're gonna fuck
a lot now.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
No, it's always do you have a condom?
Speaker 3 (14:38):
Right? Rock? Do you have multiple condoms?
Speaker 1 (14:41):
In case we're gonna go like, hey, right, compliment? Uh?
I think if you handled it where you're you know,
you went to get some quarters out of your pocket
because you need quarters. I guess, uh, and you've got
three or four condoms that stumble out if you said
something like listen, I take safe sex seriously, it has
zero to do with my expectation of and more about
you never know. Sure even that sounds bad, right, No?
Speaker 2 (15:04):
No, I think it sounds more like, oh, like I
think that would turn some women on really like yeah,
oh he's safety first, and like he's not expecting anything.
It's kind of like that's a turn on.
Speaker 3 (15:19):
Not I'm gonna we're gonna fuck like monkeys or I'm
gonna tit that ass up tonight several times.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. You tell me when
to stop. You say stop when you think we've reached
the spot, right.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
Keep going, keep going. Box is almost empty.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
I think they're missing one on this. Let's there's such
thing as too many condoms.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
True.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
If you have a Sam's Club box in your bathroom
under the sink, I think that might be too much.
Speaker 3 (15:57):
No, that's fine. If it's in your bathroom room underneath
the sink. You know as well as I do. Corbyn.
You start putting it in your pockets, it starts bulting
them up. You got your keys, you got your phone,
you know what I mean. And then if you've got
this giant you could tell there's something in your pocket,
but it's look a little squishy, and then it crunches
(16:17):
when you walk. I think that's that's too many.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Yeah, I I don't know. I know in my house,
I'm not gonna rely on the school to be the
educators of all that. Right, I'm gonna take it upon
myself because I don't trust no motherfucker.
Speaker 3 (16:36):
Oh that makes sense.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
I don't want to be Grandpa. I want to be like,
I'm gonna be like almost sixty sixty sixty five, I
think maybe even seventy before I'm a grandpa. Yeah yeah,
I mean that is grandpa age. I guess I don't know.
(16:59):
I am twice so I'm only forty five, right, No,
it's more common than ever. Yeah yeah, yeah, but I
want my oldest to be in her thirties with wherever
she is in her career established right now, she establishes
her career in her twenties and all that, then okay,
it's her decision. By the way, I don't give a shit,
but I'm not expecting that for a good fifteen years.
Speaker 3 (17:20):
Yeah yeah, I know that's that is a good want
to sure, sure, absolutely sure.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
But if I'm on the eight year plan right then
or seven?
Speaker 3 (17:31):
Right? Fuck? You ain't got that long?
Speaker 1 (17:34):
No, God, which lindsay that means, lindsay, if she's on
that plan, she's at four, because he's what fourteen fifteen,
so three in three years, you could be a grandma.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
You could be one right now, just saying that's fifteen
years old.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Right, No, he's still a virgin. We have these talks.
But I just realized having this condom conversation. I'm forty
three and I've never bought a condom in my life.
But by the time I do, my first time buying
a condom will.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Not be for me. It will be You're gonna buy
him for him.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
I will buy them and say.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
Hey, try this on.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
No, but oh come on, Lens, you can't do that.
You got to let him do it because there's gonna
be a little bit And I'm not saying I know
your kid, but there is a little bit of embarrassment
that goes along with the idea of that. And I
know you have a good relationship with him, but I
think more importantly, it teaches him to go do it
by himself. So without and you can't go with him
(18:36):
right to buy them, that will be very awkward for you.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Feel I would rather.
Speaker 3 (18:43):
Do it.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
I would rather him have them have access to them,
just in case, you know, the opportunity presents itself.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Have you had the condom conversation with him?
Speaker 3 (18:56):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Oh yeah, you've told him he needs to buy some,
he needs to wear them. Okay, but did you tell
me he needs to buy them?
Speaker 2 (19:04):
No. I think they were given some in school because
they had the He's gone through the h the talk
at school twice and they've taught them with the banana.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
Like you mentioned, get a goddamn dildo. What are we doing?
Speaker 3 (19:21):
Looks like?
Speaker 1 (19:22):
No, dick looks like but uh, I don't know. I
don't know. Mine doesn't look like a banana fucking Gonzo's
third day banana?
Speaker 2 (19:32):
Right?
Speaker 3 (19:34):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (19:34):
Yeah, But I think that's part of it too, right,
like yeah, removing the embarrassment or shame that comes along
with buying one.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
Did your mama get your rubbish for?
Speaker 1 (19:44):
Come on? You like you like the cheese? I got
some in red and gen When did you you? You're
a largeh. I'm just saying, right, I have figured out.
Let's navigate it. Hey, I'm going to take you to
the grocery store. I'll wait in the car. You need
(20:06):
to go in and buy some condoms and we'll talk
about it when you get out. What was it like?
Are you you know? I don't want you to be embarrassed.
It's very normal. It is attractive to protect your body, yes, right, yeah, and.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
This is not the okay to go have sex.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
But I don't think that helps your case when you
said no, no, he's going to have sex and probably
not tell you when it happens.
Speaker 3 (20:34):
Did you tell your mama? No, Dad, No, Nor did
I No. No. As a matter of fact, I didn't
tell him about any of the times that I had sex,
not when it first happened, and not the last time
that it happened.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
The only time I remember telling my mom we had
sex is when I showed up with a picture of
a fucking baby on camera. Yeah, that's the only time
I've ever told my mom. And I didn't say we banged, right,
I said, you're going to be a grandma.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
We all know how babies are made, so yeah, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wonder if people actually do that, if people actually
tell young children whatever, tell their parents. Hey, I had said,
I I didn't have to ask. I knew exactly when,
not exactly when, like to the moment, the day, the hour.
(21:23):
But my youngest boys, he's eighteen, and I knew when
he made that switch because they change, and that same
way with my oldest boy, Yeah, his balls dropped. Something changes,
It changes mentally, you know, they change mentally, and they
start carrying themselves a little different, talking a little different.
The innocence is lost, and that's when I knew. I
was like, ah, you're getting laid. That's good for you.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
I mean, I hope that we're trying really hard to
create a house of openness and like we use the
word vagina and penis, and like we talk about periods
because I'm trying to make you all mothers have a
hard time, right, I'm trying to normalize it that men
talk about periods with my daughters. So I hope that
(22:08):
I don't want them to be like mom, I had
sex a vibe like I don't want that, right, but
I want if I ask, hey, are you being sexually active,
they'll go yes and not feel like they can't say that. Right.
That's what I want.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
That's the hopes. Yeah, But whether or not that happens
is a different story, because.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
I sure, but there's no whether or not I wake
up in the morning. There's uncertainty in everything, right.
Speaker 3 (22:28):
Right, right. I just think that the and you may
be different probably is in your house. But there's still
some I don't want to say embarrassment, but a little
maybe a little embarrassment, little coyous, little shyness, little modesty,
I guess when it comes to that sort of thing. Sure,
damn no, Dad, I didn't when they did.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
Yeah, I think that's obviously entirely possible. But I'm trying
to foster an environment where I'm helping you build the
scaffolding to be an adult. I'm not trying to punish
you for attempting at being in it.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
Right.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Whether I'm successful or that, I don't know all you do,
but I can tell you this. It'll be all right,
It'll be all right. I know that. But the idea
of talking about condoms, I think is an interesting topic
to have with your kids or how about your partner.
Right you get married, we talk about the sactity marriage.
(23:25):
Not once do you sit down and go, hey, do
you do you see us having a sex talk? If
we ever have kids, I'm not talking about that. If
we have girls, do you want to talk about periods?
Will you be there to take care of, you know,
the girl when she has her first period. I'm not
bond condoms, I'm not bon tampons. Right, you don't have
those conversations, but those are the vital things that happen, right,
(23:49):
not fucking Hey, you like football? I like football. Maybe
it's just me. Maybe I'm just weird that way. Uh,
give me announced to the Battle of the Bands. Or
to do with Cancer Sucks. If you've listened to the
show a while, you know what we're talking about. We'll
explain that more in the coming weeks as you'll have
a chance if you have a band, to submit a
one song demo to us and we picked the top
(24:12):
five of the submissions and the top two will perform
at the Cancer Sucks concerts. You guys, have a fantastic week,
and if you like the podcast, please tell others about
it or not.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
You see ye bye bye
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