The Morning Dump 5-09-23

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Episode Transcript

(00:16):
I am so underprepared for the podcast. Oh yeah, so if you have
something that either of you have beenwanting to talk the extra podcast. I
don't know how she feels about sharingthe story, but Lindsey shared a story
with me Friday. I'm not sharingthat story. I am not. I
didn't want to hear it at all. Whatsoever she comes up, She's like,

(00:39):
I got a little TMI story foryou, and I'm like, oh,
good, gone, and then sheproceeds to tell me the story and
I'm like, holy shit, whyam I still sitting here listening to that?
Oh you are all in? Hell? No, you love a good
ties. Somebody was all in fora little while anyway. Actually, you
know what, I do have onethat is hilarious that he actually did step

(01:03):
away from. But his girl wasall and she was like, this shit
just keeps getting better. And Ionly wish that. I mean, oh,
if we could get my mom onthe phone for this. This was
the best story I think she hasever told me. Ever, she went
to the casino last week and sheended up on her favorite machine. She

(01:26):
got like six hundred and fifty freespins, so she said it took her
like an over an hour to getthrough these free spins. And as she's
sitting there, this older gentleman cameby, and she said that he looked
like he was in his mid tolate sixties, right right, retirement,

(01:51):
yes, And he says, oh, I see you. Finally somebody got
somewhere on this machine. I walkedaway from this machine about it over an
hour ago because it wasn't hitting forme. And she goes, oh,
well, yeah, I finally gotlucky on it. And he sat down
next to her and he says,oh, I just love coming here because

(02:13):
I have nothing better to do onmy days off. And she goes,
oh yeah. She goes, isn'tretirement nice and he goes, well,
yeah, it was for a while, but then I got bored and I
had to go back to work becauseI got so bored. And she never
once asked him what he does fora living or anything like that. She
just was mining her own and watchingher spins, you know. And and

(02:38):
he says, oh, I'll justput a couple of dollars in this machine
here, and he is playing,and I don't know. She said he
must have put in like five dollarsand watched it go away right away.
And he gets up and he saysgood luck to you, and he walks
away, and so she's watching hermachine go and she's watching herself hundred and

(03:00):
fifty spins. And about ten minuteslater, he comes back and she's still
in the middle of her bonus spinsand he sits back down. He's like,
you're still here, huns. She'slike, yep, still here and
he goes, yeah, me too, and he says, you know,
I got the day off today andit's been it's been a slow day here

(03:20):
at the casino, but not foryou. I see. Good for you.
Blah blah blah. He says,you know, I had the day
off, so I came here andshe's like, god, he keeps talking
about his job. He must wantme to ask him what he does.
So she's like, well, wheredo you work at? And he goes,
oh, I work at this clubover in Hammond. And she goes,
oh, what kind of a clubis it? And he says it's

(03:42):
a nightclub. Oh okay, cool. Are you a bouncer and he says
no, I'm an entertainer there.Oh okay, And he goes, yeah,
I dress and drag when I'm there, and she goes, oh,
that's neat. Keep in mind he'ssixty five years old. Huh. He
goes, I was looking for somethingnew and I used to bartend and I

(04:10):
hurt my hurt my back took sometime off, and when I came back,
I decided to try something new andso I entertain. And she goes,
well, how do you entertain witha bad back? And he goes,
well, um, I wear oldlady heels when I dress, and
drag chunky heels, not those realtall, tall ones that the young ladies

(04:36):
wear. And he goes and Ispend most of my time in the back
room. And she goes, oh, she can't go anywhere, mind you,
because she's in the middle of bonusspins. So she stuck listening to
this man. And she says,well okay, and she goes, isn't

(04:59):
it like dangerous job? Like?How does this place not get shut down
like they have a Why would itbe dangerous? Why would it be dangerous?
Wait? Are you implying that hewas implying that he does sexual favors?
Yes, that is exactly it.Okay, and so and he goes,
well, the owner of this placeknows the right people of who to

(05:23):
pay off to keep this hold on. I'm having a hard time buying in.
You're saying, a complete stranger toldyour mom that he is participating in
criminal acts. Yep, yep,yep. He even said that at first

(05:45):
he was nervous about it. Yeah, and he I feel like that's an
understatement that makes sense. He startedas a receiver, now he's a giver.
In this back room, then tenminute kind of places this I don't
know, it probably got some weirdglorials. And then a little while later,

(06:11):
older lady comes up and asks himif he's ready to go, and
he says, oh, in justa few I'm getting through my last twenty
year. And he says to mymom, that's my wife. She doesn't
know what I do for a living. I'd love to tell her, but

(06:33):
I'm afraid that it would just breakher heart. And my mom said,
well, then if you don't wantto break her heart, I probably wouldn't
tell her. Yeah, And hesays, well, yeah, I don't
want to break her heart. I'lltell her right now, right right,

(06:54):
like what are you supposed to do? Like? And again she can't get
up and leave because she's in themiddle of no she could, right,
she could, And maybe that washis tactic to try and get like to
say something so outlandish because there arescam artists at casinos. That makes that

(07:15):
is true. She just feels likea completely outlandish story to just share with
a complete stranger. I agree,But some people are really open life.
No, not like no, notlike that. Not something that's so secretive.
Right. The story has so manycontradictions in it. Yeah, it

(07:36):
felt it feels like your mom.They were trying to scammer out of hers.
Yeah. I hope at the ageof sixty five that I am not,
you know, having to perform filatiofor extra cash. I think I'd
rather just go work at academy Walmarts. Yeah. I wasn't gonna say Dix,
but I mean that's an option.Yeah. And where does he hide

(08:00):
his heels? Right well, yeah, that stays behind that at the club.
Yeah, I know, that's justall everything stays right there. It's
the same five outfits, you know, every week, switch him out every
now and again, and who wouldlike who's who's taking advantage of that?
And then the implication is that someonewants one person to dress up as a

(08:22):
female to then what fuck them?Or suck their dick. Yeah, people
of the homosexual nature don't always ornecessarily need that, Right, It feels
like a giant fucking leap. Thatprobably is. It probably is, but
fun story. Sure. I wonderif she thought about that, if they

(08:43):
were trying to get hurt, tofeel so uncomfortable that she gets up and
leaves the machine so he could takeher earnings. Next time you talked to
her, you might want to bringthat up to her, and she might
have been trying to get scammed,you know. Yeah, and that wasn't
his wife for working crews. Yeah, the casinos are a prime target for
organized crime. Something to think about. Yeah, especially during the day like

(09:07):
that when it's not real busy totake advantage of people that yeah, yeah,
yeah for sure. Yeah, singlewoman by herself came back multiple times.
That's called reconnaissance. Yep, right, right, right, right?
When's she coming to town, yourmama? She switched her trip to June.
Now it was supposed to be inMay at the end of this month.

(09:28):
Since now we're supposed to be movingin June, she wants to come,
then, I'll leave that one alone. Na got to the plan.
Yeah, the perfect day. Yeah, casinos where it's at, you know,
take her out and get a buffet. Yeah, right right, why

(09:50):
not? Hey, listen, allyou can eat it's on me. Don't
worry, and she says me too. Have you ever seen that Friends Up
the Office episode where um Steve Carroll'sCrell's character starts dating the receptionist. Mom
starts. She's like, he's like, you can call me dad, yeah,

(10:11):
and she's like no. And they'llbe like in a car, going
to dinner together and after work andwhatever. She'll say something to her mom
and he'll go, don't talk toyour mother that way, and she's like,
don't talk to me. It's souncomfortable. That's awesome. That could
be us. And they go out. They go out for her birthday and

(10:33):
they they're like, happy birthday,Dad, Happy whatever. She's like sixty
or something and Steve Currel's character goes, you're sixty, Like he had no
idea she is because she looks greatfor her age. And she's like yeah,
and he's like you're a grandma.Now. He's completely turned up,

(10:54):
totally like breaks up with her rightthere. It's a fantastic episode. Yeah,
she staying with you when she comesto you only only for one night.
Anyway, Mom, you came rollingin at seven o'clock this morning on
Wednesday? What's going on? Sheowned some chats, all right? I

(11:20):
know she used to all you hearis pulling up? God right, three
thirty in the morning, co coco. The hell is going on?
Enough, I'll get it. It'smy ride, right, don't wait,

(11:41):
come on, daddy, it's nother name, but that's what I'm calling
her. Down. No, Lindsay'smom, Lindsey's mom has got it going
on. Come on, Lindsey's mom, Come on, Lindsay's mom. Yeah,
as long as she calls me gimby. Imagine that you're in You're in

(12:03):
there just trying to watch I don'tknow, late night television. As you're
going to bed to get up togo to work in the morning. You're
gimpy, gimpy, gimpy. Ihave a really personal question that just hit
me. Ye do women yell gimpywhen they're having sex with you? I
feel like that's a fair question becauseyou you say call me gimby, you

(12:24):
don't really absolutely or tell people tosay your full name. I have before.
It's not like a regular Yeah,yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
they've said it before, but Idon't encourage it. And what do
you prefer, Mike or Michael?Neither one of them. Neither one of
them. There's really no dude.Oh you I'm kind of glad they don't

(12:48):
see, right, buddy. Yeah, I'm kind of glad they don't call
you gimby just because they could,just the audible guestion of it doesn't.
Oh yeah, give it to me, gimpie will worry, gimp gimp.

(13:09):
It goes with a good caden.It's a good beat. Yeah, No,
two silver kidens for sure. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, Yeah,
No, that's good. M Passthat on your mom. Yeah she can
if she wants, let her now, Yeah, she can just learn ye
maker. What's my name? Saymy name? Do the Mermaid? The

(13:33):
Merman? What's that movie? StrangePeople? Oh, weird People with Adam
Sandler and Jason Seagull. Funny people, Funny people. It's a great movie.
Man. I'm gonna walk her toa car. Well, you don't
have sex there? No, Idid. Have you seen that movie,

(13:54):
Lindsay? Yeah, such a goodmovie I watched. Now we're talking about
Adam Say, I watched Murder Mysterylast night, not murder mystery too,
the first one because you don't wantto jump Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and uh it wasn't that bad.Yeah, I mean it's an Adam Sandler
Jennifer Aniston movie. So is ita murder mystery, like just as it's
implied in a sense. Yes.So here's what happens is Adam Sandler is

(14:16):
a failed detective. Well he's acop that tries to be a detective but
failed many times. But they've he'dbeen married to Jennifer Aniston for like fifteen
years when in the beginning he's like, we're gonna go to Europe on her
honeymoon. That never happens, solike trying to, you know, scramble
for a fucking anniversary gift, hejust tells you we're going to Europe.

(14:37):
Yeah, that's it. So theyget on a plane, he falls asleep
because he's one of those gangs.She goes to fucking first class, meets
this rich dude who comes from alot of money, and they are He's
like, come with me to myuncle's yacht out at a dial, will
sail around whatever. So they do, and it's one of those ends to

(15:00):
says where the uncle is dying andhe's about to cut everybody out of the
wheel and give it to his fineyoung girlfriend that used to be the rich
guy on the plane's wife, butshe left him for decrepit dick uncle.
Okay, okay, so all right, so they're all gathered around. Uncle
gathers them all around. You're alla bunch of fucking leeches. I'm cutting

(15:22):
you all out and I'm giving everythingto fucking Kim or whatever fucking name is.
Right then the lights go out,and all of a sudden, there's
a noise and the lights coming backon on the plane. This is on
the boat now, but they're nothey're hanging out with these people now,
they're they're hanging out. They gotinvited along, so now they're hanging out

(15:43):
with them because the rich guy onthe plane's just an asshole and wants to
drive everybody crazy by bringing on theseunwanted gas and anyhow, so it comes
back on a fucking knife and Uncle'schest. Uncle's dead. We gotta figure
out who got it, Okay,we're all suspects. So that's where the
murder mystery comes into that sort ofyeah, something to that effect, and

(16:06):
spoiler at the end, they figureit out and it was it was actually
the Sandler. No, it wasnot End of Sandler. They were they
were suspects for the longest time,but it was it was the um uncle's
daughter that he had given up whenshe was first born because he wanted a
boy and not a girl. Soyeah, it was her and like her

(16:30):
boyfriend or whatever something like that.It's good. I want to watch number
two tonight when whenever. Yeah,and I figured might as well big night
and they give me home. Yeah, I figured, got nothing else on
any shit on TV. So I'mlike, all right, we'll see what
we got here. You should liketake a brown sack, right and put
a bunch of different foods in it, like maybe sushi and then like maybe
sushi doesn't travel hear me out,and then whatever, and then it's a

(16:53):
mystery of like whatever you pull outto eat and it's like it's on theme.
All right, sure, good news. You'll get the ships and that
movie shit either way, there's shipall the way around. Yeah, well,
it is what it is. Idiscovered that the X's Netflix account is
still connected Tom cox cable account,right really yeah, So I was like,

(17:15):
all right, whatever, I'm watchingyour ship, dude, you need
to start picking like horrible stuff justto fuck up her, like recommend yeah,
no, because then she might catchon to the fact that it's still
connected and so what deleted. She'sgonna find out eventually. That's a good
or she won't just be like whatthe fuck is happening? Yeah, Like,
you need to send messages right bywhat you pick. I want to

(17:42):
say, what Darren, But I'mnot gonna blast put on blast, but
like put things in the like ifshe was a really good cook, right,
maybe put like all bad cooking showsright right, recommend those? Yeah
yeah, yeah, more like youknow, Little House on the Prairie,
stuff wholesome, a good show.Yeah, I'm picking up what you're putting

(18:03):
dad, Yeah right, right right, stuff that involves like nuns and you
know, good people. Yeah,something to that effect. Yeah, yeah,
for sure. Did you see OhI got this headline. I gotta
read this to you. It justcame in. Robert de Niro welcomes seventh
child at seventy nine years of age. Good for him. He ain't a

(18:30):
dad. No, he's nine.He never was, well maybe in the
beginning he doesn't. He have twinswith Beverly DeAngelo. I have no idea.
I know, he's got seven children, seven kids, yeah, which
I mean, I'm just people ofseven kids. But he's seventy nine years
old. The chance of him seeingthe tenth birthday of that kid is what

(18:51):
twenty percent? Yeah, he'd bea good good name to put on the
death pool foh show, seventy nineand seven kids. I mean, I
mean unless he's living with the womanthat had the kid, and maybe even
in that scenario, he ain't gettingup, Oh no, not at two
o'clock washing bottles. You know,it's I'm not thinking Robert DeNiro does not

(19:14):
have kids with Beverly DeAngelo. Thinkingof the other one that I get,
it's Alpaccino. He's like eighty four. Yeah, they are. Neither one
of them are looking good. No, now, Alpaccino has not looked good
for sixty years. Yeah, man, de Niro has he kind of,
but lately he's just shranking down andbecoming that old man. Yeah. Yeah,

(19:38):
he's seventy nine, man, youwant from he's not Yeah, he's
not gonna be doing any Liam Neesonmovies, which, by the way,
he shouldn't be. Liam Neeson shouldn'tbe doing Liam Neeson movies, Like,
right he is. I didn't realizehow old he was. He's like,
what has eighties or something like that. Yeah, yeah, he's old as
fuck. And I read a thingwhere they film they do it in super

(19:59):
slow ocean all right, and thenspeed it up. But he know he's
doing it in real time okay,but they film it in slow so then
they speed it up into normal speed. It looks like he's like, like,
find another actor, man for real? So who's his baby mama?
No idea, just I just readthe headline He've been divorced in twenty eighteen.

(20:25):
Uh so, and yeah it sayshere he did not name who the
mother is. I mean that meansit's seventy eight. He's spreading seed.
Yeah yeah, And that's why I'mlike, good for him, the fact
that he can still pump one outand create life at that age. Now
we I'm googling, is seventy eightyear old sperm? Okay? Right,

(20:47):
I'm sure there are some health issuesthat that child's going to have because of
how old that jizz is. Yeah, I think it's usually isn't it usually
the mother though? That when it'swhen it's her body that's older. Yeah,
yeah, and then I've heard that, yeah, I've heard that after
the age of forty or whatever,that you know, you're higher risks of

(21:10):
having handy capable children. But thatdoesn't I mean, come on, those
seventy nine year old sperm. Thissays that, well, I mean sperm
from a seventy nine year old man. The sperm isn't like that that twinkie
that you're testing still that's in yourcloset. It could have been the one
that's like far in the bag hasjust been chilling, you know, for

(21:30):
seventy nine years. It's like partyof dust, this says. Many people
think that while women's fertility starts todecline in your thirty forties, men can
continue to conceive until children until naturallyin their seventies and eighties. However,
while sperm production continues throughout a man'slife, the quality and concentration of the
sperm may start to decline. Ofolder men who produce sperm atuza, which

(21:52):
is a horrible festivals go to inthere Saturdays we have aware white party in
their ejaculate. Sperm motility and manifestationof viability and fertilization capacity tends to be
reduced, so he won the fuckinglottery. He shouldn't. He probably is

(22:17):
like, I'm good, I'm almosteighty. Why should I wear a condom?
Right? This is why, becausenow you're an eighty year old Papa.
We did I'll never forget when wewere doing fertility treatment for our first
kid, and part of the thingis he's like, well, we're just
gonna test everybody. She did atest. I did a test. I

(22:40):
had to go sitting this horribly small, cramped like not really a like a
bed, right, it's like kindof a more like a fainting couch if
you know what that is. Yeah, And but it was that leather that
is on doctor's office chairs, youknow, when you're in the exam room
and no wind, it's kind ofdimly lit. There's fucking porn on the

(23:03):
table. And you go down thishallway with all these other doors and on
the other at the end of thehallways a glass with like a whole thing,
and they're like, uh, what'syour name? Like that's how fucking
many people come in here. Theyhave like a system. I'm like Corbyn
Pierce and they're like date of birththe thing, and they're like, all
right, here's this go to roomthree, which you should really you want

(23:25):
to make sure you're listening to thetack room. You don't want to go
in the wrong room. And she'slike, take as long as you want.
And then there's a little like umcabinet door, and she's like,
just put in the cabinet door.When you're done you does your wife get
to go in with you? No? Oh no, though they don't want

(23:47):
to contaminate the sample at all whatsoever. And so you go in there and
I just sat and there's a sinkto wash your hands, I guess,
and so like me, mister overthinker, I sit down on the thing and
I'm like, what the fuck?How many other man asses have been on
this? Right? There's paper downso like that because it's a medical right,

(24:08):
I just can't imagine. So andso like I'm sitting there going like
already, I'm like, how thefuck am I supposed to get in the
mood? Pressure? Right? Right? Anxiety? Like here we are trying
to conceive a kid? Am Ifucking broken? Like? What the fuck?
Right? All that crazy shit thatit enters your brain? And then
I'm like, all right, soI'll hold the cup in my right No,

(24:29):
I'm righty, So I'll hold thecup my left. But where do
I how do I do? Ibut out? Like, how do I
do I sit? What do Ido? Like? I was trying to
plan, because listen, we onlyget one shot. I don't know what
you want from me. Sometimes plansaren't always necessary. I feel like at
that moment, it felt like itwas super important because this was super important

(24:52):
to understand. And when you seethem charge yeah, And so I'm like
okay, And so I call mywife. I'm like, hey, She's
like, are you there? Yeah, yeah, I'm here. Well,
what's what's wrong? You're already done? No what? I don't know.
She's like, just look at somemagazines right from the nineties. I'm like,

(25:15):
what what do you mean? Justlook at some magazines right, Like
you have to forgive forgive us becauseas a woman, we think like we
think that you guys can just thinkabout pussy and get hard and come like
in your pants, like that's howour brains work well, and that's that's

(25:37):
we just think it's so easy foryou guys. That's like implying that as
I'm watching two trains collide at highspeed, if I think about a pussy,
I'm just gonna come right. That'sthe fucking crazy shit I've ever heard.
That makes you a fuck a psychopathif you yes? Right? So
anyway, so like whatever she's so, I hang up and I just start

(25:59):
looking at stuff my phone and thenI'm like right, And then I'm like,
how long have I been in here? Right? Because you don't want
to take time. I don't wantto be too fast. People. You
go in a special door. Everybodyin the waiting room who's all there for
fertility treatment knows what's beyond door numbertwo, right, And so you're like,

(26:19):
all right, so do the thing. You wait a minute after you're
done because you don't want to goout sweating. Right. It's the most
fucked up thing I've ever been apart of, you know, like and
I And by the way, thatis a fucking fraction of what my wife
fucking went through, Yeah fraction.All you have to do is squirt and

(26:42):
a cup compare. Yes, whatI haven't complained around is fucking nothing.
Women that go through fertility treatment,you become a science experiment. Your body
does shit it shouldn't. And soI'm like going through it and we get
all done, and I tell mywife about and she's like, basically put
throwing that. My face is like, okay, you're done, right,

(27:04):
I now have months of that right, all right, yeah you're I'll get
off the fucking cross patch my hands. Yeah that was that's fucking uncomfortable.
Yeah, so seven, be seventynine and pull that off. Good for
him, Good for him. Butanyways, the whole reason I brought us

(27:26):
I was trying to figure ot whyI brought up. My test came back
and they're like, yeah, they'rea little rounded, but they're okay,
they're fine. They apparently they cansee the head of the sperm and decide
if they're go getters. Okay,Like this one's a little pointy, it
might swims fash more aero dynamics.Yeah, they're they're bumping into each other
a lot. I don't know whatthe fuck. But like this one here's

(27:48):
got a square head. He's stupid. This one's just in the corner,
just bumping in the wall him.These other ones are like, no,
it's miter. No, it's likethat looks okay. That's a job that
I wouldn't want to do. Youhave to sit there and look at sperm
under a microscope. Someone was like, oh, I got a big workload
today. Oh god right, honey, can you come now? I gotta

(28:11):
work late. Oh yeah, you'regonna mess with jiz all afternoon. Yeah
yeah. And then you come homeand you're like, oh god right,
hey, Jack, and you onthe last thing I want to see us
fucking come right traumatized? Man,Right, you come home. A lot
of people come home smelling like work. You work at that side cutting grass,

(28:33):
you smell like the lawn, comehome smelling like jizz. Yeah.
The person that bakes cookies all daydoesn't come home and bake more cookies.
Right. The last thing someone whotests sperm does is like be around more
sperm. Fuck that. But somebody'slike, I want to be the best
yeah, person in the area thatcan tell you exactly how much jizz is

(28:57):
active. Whatever. You'd be thebest sperm counter you can be. That's
it. And is there somebody inthere going five four eighteen? God damn
it? They start over the man? Right, Oh shit, I didn't

(29:18):
spend like I said, toys onthe Twitter. Did you get that?
Fuck? No? Did you countat twenty? Good? Close enough?
That's really at that level we're talkinga couple million. What's the difference exactly.
Come on, I'm off five hundredor a thousand and nine. It's
fine. No, no, no, you're off three million then. Yeah.

(29:41):
So Robert de Niro, good forhim. Good for him for having
to buy fucking diapers for the nextfour years or whatever, a couple of
years of his life. Yeah,he might not even see that phase out.
True statement. Anything can happen.He could have a heart attack because
he found out he's a dad again. Yeah, goes in there, he's
like, I'm gonna be a papaagain, and we're gonna wash the delivery
and then fucking kills over right there. And on top of that, when

(30:02):
it's your seventh kid and you're withthe person that's given birth to this miracle
and they're like, oh my god, he's smile and he's like yeah,
yeah, gotta loses its lust,keep you young, right now. Stop
with the cliches like you're gonna belike, yeah, he's walking so fucking
white. Yeah right, it'll befine. He'll be out of diapers in
a couple of years. It's allgood me. I'm gone, you get

(30:26):
us diapers. Oh god, right, good store to get diapers for the
baby. You need anything, Yeah, diapers. I didn't even think that.
You're eating the same foods usually,wearing the same clothes, right,
probably sitting the same safety chairs time. Yeah, you need a safety chair.
Might actually work out, It mightfucking work out for sure. Yeah.

(30:48):
He's got a grandchild too, morethan one probably he's seventy nine.
Yeah, all right, you guyshave a great week. Yeah. R