May 9, 2024 • 44 mins
Get back to the basics of life and love by subscribing to Anita Astey’s seven prescriptions as outlined in her recent book (Unbleep Your Life and Relationships, Forefront books/Simon & Schuster) beginning with needs and expectations. Tune in and learn the what, the why and the how to begin your process of change from the inside out.
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(00:02):
Relationships weather, romantic, platonic,familial are complicated and can be downright messy,
bringing out the best and worst inall of us. Here's an opportunity
for you to learn effective, concretestrategies to help you build healthy relationships from
the inside out. It's un BleepYour Life and Relationships with host Anita Ashland,
(00:23):
psychotherapist of over twenty five years.Hey, guys, welcome to Unbleep
Your Life and Relationships. I'm yourhost, Anita Asley. I'm so glad
that you guys are joining us ona Sunday night eight to nine pm.
What a great time to talk aboutrelationships. I gotta tell you there's a
book out there that's a very interestingtitle, but I can't say the entire
(00:45):
name. It's Unbleep Your Life andRelationships. You can get it on Amazon
and Simon and Schuster. Before weget into the topic today, let me
tell you a little bit more aboutmyself. I'm a licensed marriage and family
therapist. I have over twenty fiveyears experience in working with couples, individuals
and families struggling with a variety ofissues, and over the years, I've
(01:11):
come to learn a lot of thingsabout people. But also myself. So
the book is really how did thepeople ask me, why did you decide
to write this book? And notthat that's a really interesting question, and
I think back to many many sessionsago, because the book took about three
four years to write and then finallyget it published. It was actually one
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of my patients who I'd been workingwith for a long time, who's really
dealing with some childhood traumatic issues.How many people have those? A lot
of us. So she looked atme and said, Anita, how could
you possibly relate to some of thethings I'm talking about? I mean,
look at you. You're a professional. You sit in your chair and you
listen to me, and you sometimeshelp me. Sometimes I think you're not.
(01:57):
But most of all you help me. But sometimes I wonder if you
really can empathize with me. SoI thought, okay, hmm, it's
a very good question. One Ihad asked my own therapist when I was
in therapy during my graduate studies,which is a whole nother story. I
do talk about that in the book, and that was actually part of my
requirement. I had to go throughmy own personal therapy to become a therapist,
(02:19):
which I think is really important.How can you help someone if you
yourself haven't been helped with all yourissues, or you don't know what it's
like to sit on that on theother side of the couch. So anyway,
I digress. So talking to herthen listening to her, then I
thought, you know, I reallyneed to do this because people don't see
the parts of myself that I've workedon for years. And most of all,
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it wasn't to garner sympathy for myself, but more to say that adversity
does build resilience. So then Istarted to write the book more out of
showing other people that, yeah,I have been through a lot of stuff
my own self, but it tooka long time to work on that self
to get to where I am today. And I asked people to make themselves
(03:04):
vulnerable to me all the time whenthey're sitting in front of me. So
I said, okay, now it'smy turn. So that's how the book
came to be. And then Ithought, well, oh my god,
there's you know. I was talkingto some of my friends about It's like,
yeah, a great idea, andsomebody said to me, why would
you want to add to the plethoraof self help books? Out there and
how how would yours be different?And I thought, okay, that's a
(03:25):
good question. I know it's allabout my ego to the narcissism, the
ego. We all have that,guys. It's okay. I've been accused
of being a narcissist, but we'reall kind of narcissistic. That's a whole
new episode. Greg is like laughingat me. He's my programmer over here,
producer. Thank you, Greg fortrying. I'm just gonna personal observation.
Ye're sitting here, You're wearing aGuns and Roses t shirt. Yeah,
(03:46):
you just got jeans. You're justa cool person. Thank you.
Well, I'm just all you're thinking. Everybody's thinking out their psychotherapy. She
must have, you know, herbusiness show. No, I never do,
and I was never that therapist.Hence, if you guys choose to
buy the book, you can seethat on the cover. And again,
thank you for saying that. Andyou know you guys can't see it.
But I am. I have issuesjust like everybody else. I've worked on
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most of my issues, even thoughI tell people, well, the process
never ends. We have to continuouslywork on ourselves, you know. And
bleeping is never over until we dieanyway, So I decided, you know,
my patients make themselves vulnerable to me, so I need to make myself
vulnerable to everybody else. It's quiteexposing, right. I thought, Oh
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my god, I have kids.What are they going to say about all
the stuff that I've been to AndI thought, well, when they're ready
to read it. I didn't forcethem to buy it or anything. I
gave it to them, But whenthey're actually ready to read it, and
I don't think that they have,they'll have a newfound appreciation for some of
the stuff I have gone through.So anyway, that's how the book came
to be. And what is thebook really about. It's different, I
(04:53):
was saying than the other self helpbooks. I think, I believe I
share those fed up experiences that I'vehad in my life, but I also
share how I work through them withthe help of my own psychotherapist, which
I was in therapy for about sevenyears. I went twice a week and
the process started very interestingly enough,and you could read about that in the
(05:14):
book. Anyway. So I sharethose vignettes in the book in addition to
sharing seven concrete things that I thinkpeople need to do today, and it's
not rocket science. I believe there'scertain things that we have lost our way
in and we need to get backto the basics of life and love.
So there's simple things, but there'ssimple things that we have complicated because we
live in a world of what amI going to say? Greg? Yeah,
(05:40):
texting each other. We don't knowhow to communicate with each other.
Our primary mode of communication is usinga phone, digital communication, which I
think is great. I'm not papooing it. I love it, and
it really helped us and saved us, as you know during COVID. Otherwise
how would we have communicated with eachother. But however, it has taken
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over, so we've lost our wayand the end communicating is an art,
communicating with each other using words,sitting with each other, looking at each
other. It is something that's beenlost. Even though I think, oh
my god, it's such a basicthing to do. Do I really have
to help people do this, Butin my office I do. And I'm
going to go to one of thewords that you're going to hear me using
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today and throughout the next series ofradio shows that we do. Conversation.
Now, Greg, you tell mewhen you hear the word conversation, What
do you think is taking place?You're trying to communicate to each other,
trying to tell you how you feel. Yes, right, yeah, but
maybe because we're old. I knowI'm old. I don't want to call
you I. But today when Ilisten to probably for the last five years,
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I'm listening to people talk about theirproblems and they're trying to resolve something,
and they're using this word conversation.Now, in my head, I'm
thinking conversation, you're talking, you'repicking up the phone, you're sitting next
to each other. Perhaps No,I come to learn that now conversation is
equal to texting, and I reallyhave to stop people. Yeah. I'm
like, wait a minute, wasthis a conversation? And they're like,
(07:04):
yeah, of course it was.And I said, did you just talk
or it was texting? I'm like, oh my god, no, no,
no, that is not a conversation. I need to teach you how
to conversate, because hey, guys, I love texting. I love doing
all that convenience of it is amazing, But in my experience, it creates
more problems than solutions, especially ifyou're texting about something very personal and I
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don't know what emoji to use.Listen. I love emojis because it's a
very quick way of sending somebody,Hey, I love you. It's a
heart. You might not have thetime to do that, but this is
one of the it's a huge problemin today's society today that we have forgotten
how to talk to one another usingwords. And I've been called out and
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saying, Anita, you're just out, You're just dated. You know,
you need to get with the program. Like no, no, no,
I am with the program. It'syou guys are sitting in front of me
having issues because you can't za theseissues because you send a text and guess
what happens to that text message.It gets lost in so many different ways
because we can look at a wordand we can put so many interpretations on
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that word. But if I hearyou say the word and we're talking,
we're sitting with each other, thatword can actually tell me so much more
than the actual word. Well,the inflection and the emotions. We miss
all of that. Yeah, Soanyway, that so we're gonna be talking
about some really fun things on thisshow, but also giving you things to
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take away in your own relationships.That you can utilize and also just within
yourself. And yeah, I gottatell you. Some people saying, you
know, when you're talking about relationships, I love the conversation, but I
can't really join in, and I'mlike, why I'm not in a relationship.
I'm like, dude, you totallyare. The first relationship that we
have to work on is the onewe have with ourselves. You know,
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sometimes my kids will say, Mom, your lips are moving. I'm like,
yeah, I'm talking to myself.Sometimes I act she say the words.
But guys, we have to fixthe relationship we have with our self
self Awareness chapter one in this bookthat's amazing available on Amazon. We have
to work on ourselves because if wedon't fix some of the things that we're
struggling with, we are going tobring them into the relationship that we're in
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today, whether it's with our friends. And let's clarify this term relationship by
the way relationships. People think ofthat word and they hear it, they
think romantic. No, what otherkinds of relationships are we in? Greg
family, Yeah, son, daughter, You know sometimes they're the most bleeped
up relationships. Right, I havetwo brothers, I'm a middle child,
(09:39):
So I know that all too well. So it's not exclusive to romantic We
have familiar relationships with our friendships,botonic relationships, collegiate relationships. We want
to open up that today. Yeahin law. So the relationships are complicated
and we are all in relationship.And my goal here with this show and
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the book and the work that Icontinue to do, which is bring my
message of building healthy relationships is keyin our life because our mental health hinges
on the quality of our relationships.So I've gone beyond the confines of my
office to trying to share this messagewith people through media and just everybody in
the world, because I think whenour relationships are healthy, we are healthy.
(10:26):
If I think of all the peoplethat sit in front of me and
come to work out some issue,it is generally never just about themselves.
It is about a relationship gone wrong, right, and they are somehow hurt,
they're disappointed, there's all of that. Conflicts are not resolved. So
we don't live in this bubble justaround us. We have relationships with people
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that if they're not managed well,they take a lot of weight in our
head. Yeah, Hey, we'regoing to take a quick break here and
we'll find out more about the bookand yourself. I think we were just
getting into the program right now.We want to know a little bit about
you. Yeah, okay, look, there's got to be a big story
behind that. There is always this. More on news Talk eleven thirty WISN
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everyone strives for healthier relationships. Here'smore of Unleep your life and Relationships on
News Talk eleven thirty WISN. Welcomeback. Okay, So let's talk about
some of the things that I discussedin the book. Now this this radio
show is not going to be justdissecting the book the entire time, No,
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but I will take elements of thebook because it's it's really a culmination
of my personal and professional experience overthe last twenty five years. So I
have learned so much about people andof course myself and the relationships in particular.
So let's talk about Let me justoutline some of the chapters in the
book. The first one, asI mentioned before, is self awareness.
The relationship that we have with ourselvesis really important if we're going to have
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healthy relationship with other people. Now, what does that mean? We hear
that word being thrown around all thetime, we'll get into that in another
episode. Not today. We aregoing to be talking about one of these
key points, but not today onthat one. The other one. The
next chapter is unbleep your thoughts andemotions. We all need to do that
unbleep talking verbal communication. Greg andI touched upon the texting part of that.
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Unbleep mind reading. This is whatI'm going to get into a little
bit today. Unbleeping mind reading islinked to our needs and expectations. The
other chapter is unbleep blurredlines Boundaries.We all need to have some boundaries.
And I'll tell you Greg, I'vemet people say I don't need any I
don't have any. No, youneed them to protect yourself, protect other
people and your relationships. We willtalk about that again. You can read
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about that also in the book.The other one is unbleep conflict. Stop
avoiding conflict and embrace it. Conflicthas such a negative connotation in our society,
but you know what conflict is reallyimportant. Anytime you get close to
anyone, Greg, what's gonna happen? Yeah, you're yeah, I know
what exactly what you're meaning. Intimacybreeds conflict. You know, superficial is
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okay? We put our best footforward. But when we have conflict in
a relationship, it is an opportunityfor that relationship to grow. So either
we're gonna build more emotional intimacy,which I'll talk about what does that really
mean? We're going to decrease ouremotional intimacy, or our relationship is going
to be stuck. But basically it'san opportunity for you and I to get
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closer or further apart. It alldepends on how we resolve that conflict.
Yeah, because when I'm agreeing witheverything you're saying, of course life is
going to be good, and you'reagreeing with me, it's gonna be good.
But what is a conflict? It'syou saying something different to what I'm
saying, what I'm thinking and feeling, and how do we resolve that difference.
We all have differences. That's thebeauty of human beings. No one
is exactly the same. So weneed to in relationships, whatever kind of
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relationship it is. Guys, theythat escalates everything. Oh do let's back
up. Let's back up here.I'm a bad man. No, but
we need no but we need somebodyto de escalate it. But people don't
know how to de escalate in ahealthy manner. Sometimes they For them,
de escalation means we're just not gonnatalk about this and tomorrow we'll wake up
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and I'll give you a nice bigkiss. Everything will be fine. That's
not de escalating. That's actually metastasizingthe problem. But that is such a
hot topic and we are going totalk about it. But all of us
need to know how to resolve conflict. That is a future show coming up.
And I know you guys need toknow how to resolve conflict because you're
in a relationship with someone. AsI said, maybe you're having a conflict
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with yourself. I do what amI gonna do? Okay? The next
one is unbleep happiness, forgiveness,acceptance, and contentment. That is the
last chapter of the book. Itkind of brings everything together, like,
once we're able to do some ofthese seven fundamental things prescriptions I call them
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in the book, then we canget to a place in our life where
we're mostly content. I don't likethe word happiness because is I believe chasing
happiness is a bottomless pit and wenever get there. In the pursuit of
happiness, we mostly become more unhappy, especially with all the stuff that goes
on social media today. Right,I'm looking at so and so's live.
Oh my god, she seems sohappy. I'm so miserable. I need
(15:20):
to be happier than that person,or how do I get to that level
of happiness. No, I don'twant people to pursue happiness. I want
them to pursue a sense of overallcontentment. And what does that mean?
Another show coming up, but Iwill just say this. I see contentment
as an umbrella over our life,and happiness is being one of the components,
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one of the things under that umbrella. Because I can feel happy today
and feel really depressed. It's likethat heart monitor up and down, up
and down. And that's okay.But the problem is sometimes when people are
on that low part, feeling unhappy, they make monumental decisions which you know,
destruct, They destruct their life,They self destruct. So in the
(16:03):
mode of an unhappiness that feeling,don't do anything, because look at your
life overall, If overall your contentthen a little bit of unhappiness here and
there, which we all have,is normal. Be unhappy, being unhappy,
someome be happy. I'm being unhappy. Sometimes you bring up such a
good point because everybody's on Instagram,they've got their Facebook, they got their
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TikTok, and they're looking at allthese influencers yes and think, oh,
they've got a wonderful line. Yeah, can I have that? Yeah?
And just resolve that. Right,It's a snapshot of somebody's life, and
we want to talk about this.This is such a hot topic and there's
so much to talk about when itcomes to that. But what I want
to say is when you're looking atthat picture or that post, and I
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do have a chapter in the booktalking about how this plays on our psyche,
and overall have to say, allthe research is saying it's not a
positive impact on our psyche. Whenwe're on social media, ask yourself about
contentment. Learn about contentment, andI want you to use is what I
define in the book as and havean umbrella. Picture an umbrella. And
I like the concept because we've obviouslyen a freaking umbrella, right, we
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know what it looks like. Ifoverall everybody under that umbrella is healthy and
doing well and you're content with that, then stop pursuing happiness and allow yourself
to be unhappy sometimes and think ofit as not pathology. That's life,
and it's okay. I feel unhappysometimes when my hair gets screwed up,
you know, but oh bro thankyou, oh broa. I'm not going
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to make a life changing decision whenI'm in that mode. So anyway,
those are the things I talk aboutin the book. That are chapters,
and then you can go through theseven prescriptions that I have. I am
going to talk about one of thechapters in more detail today. It is
about needs and expectations. Needs andexpectations. I'll tell you what. We'll
do that in the next segment.We've got about three or four minutes here.
(17:52):
In this segment, we want tofind out about you your mom.
Tell me how many I got totell us that stuff? Now or later?
Let's do it. Okay. SoI'm fifty five. Oh my god,
I turn fifty five. I havetwo children. My son is twenty
three. He probably doesn't want tobe mentioned here and all. They're embarrassed
to me maybe a little bit.My daughter's twenty so in university. So
I've gone through all the highs andlows of mom. I've had, you
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know, significant relationships. I havetwo siblings. I'm the middle child.
I was born in India. Ilived in Germany. Then I lived in
Upstate New York, Montrea, Canada. Did I say that I lost you
know, yeah, Montreal, Canada, and then I ended up in Wisconsin.
Don't ask me how, but I'mhere and I do love you know.
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I never thought i'd say this,but I actually love living here.
So the whole, the whole,the whole Packer fan thing. No,
I'm not into the Packers yet,but I do enjoy a football game.
I just wish it wasn't so coldout there. When we go out to
baseball, I will do so.My motto in life is, hey,
if I haven't done it, I'dlike to try. And but I am
a Bucks fan, I'll you know, I just like to go out and
(18:59):
live life as a child. Youknow, here we go back to my
traumas and I'll tell people listen.When I share stuff in the book,
it is not to bash my parents. And I say that to my patients
too, because I do want toknow where they come from, what is
their history, just like you're askingme, sure, I believe that all
most parents do the best that theycan with what they have. So in
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the book, I don't bash myparents, and I didn't write the book
to bash my parents. My parentsare amazing people. My father was a
very hard worker. He was animmigrant, the immigrant story. You know.
Sure, we immigrated from India,and he wanted the best for all
of us. You know, there'sthree of us and of course my mom.
But we had very different challenges.As an immigrant family. There are
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multiple challenges you go through, andespecially as a young person. I grew
up in Montreal, I went througha lot of bicultural identity issues, and
not to get into all that psychobabblestuff, but what it really means is
you're conflicted between what's going on inmainstream culture and what goes on at home.
So the expectations of me was thatI'm going to be a nice little
Indian girl, and that's full ofa lot of stuff. We can dedicate
(20:03):
hours to that. Coverty, howmuch time do you have, right?
Is this becoming a therapy nice girl? Yeah? I had to be the
nice little Indian girl, which isfine. But then you know, all
I wanted to do is were Ipay our jeans and wear some makeup.
So I mean that's just you know, one of some of the things I
had to struggle with But as ayoung person, teenager, where your identity
is evolving, that's very difficult.And I talk about that in the book,
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and I remember trying to work thisout within myself and then of course
with my therapist later later in yearsyears later is I look at my parents,
I think, you know what,it was really difficult for them.
They themselves were trying to understand thisnew culture, trying to preserve some of
their culture. And then mainst youknow, how do you bring up children
(20:48):
when you're yourself have two cultures thatyou're trying to navigate and preserve at the
same time. But anyway, whatI want to say is to those listening
out there, you had a troubledchildhood past, whatever you can work through
it, don't blame I mean thereare some parents who are you know,
they are to blame when their physicalabuse, sexual abuse, all neglect,
all that kind of stuff. Buteven then I think, okay, wait
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a minute, so I didn't haveany of that, but emotional physical abuse.
But I'm like, okay, physicalabuse and the Indian culture, you
do something wrong, I'm gonna smackyou across the head. Today that's called
physical abuse with it. So Ihad those kinds of challenges and they did
put me in a spot that wasvery difficult, but again resilience I came
(21:30):
out. You know. I hadgood conversations throughout the years with my therapists
and then with my parents, andof course in the end we have very
good relationship. My dad has passedaway since all this stuff went on in
my life. I had a veryconflicted relationship with him. You read all
about that fun stuff in the book. So yeah, I got daddy issues,
but they're mostly resolved. Guys,I just want to say that mostly
resolved. And they did get resolvedbefore he passed away, so thank god.
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You know, unresolved grief is nothingthat people want to deal with.
It's terrible. But it took yearsof work, years of talking to him
sometime, you know, years oftherapy, even though he didn't believe in
any of that stuff. I do. So I believe even if you're talking
to people who are not proponents oftherapy, you yourself can shift that dynamic.
I went for therapy there for everybodywho was in my life had to
(22:15):
make shifts. It's like a dominothing, you know, you turn one
domino around everybody's got to adjust tothat, and you might lose people in
that process, which is okay becausethey might think, like, hey,
we want to eat a change,you know, but we don't like this
change because it's impacting us. It'smaking me very uncomfortable. But that's what
therapy does. It makes people uncomfortable. Even like with having some podcasts,
(22:36):
some shows, people are going,do we have to use that term?
Like what you make it sound like? It's a dirty little word. Everybody
get used to it. We talkabout mental health, we hear about mental
health, but as soon as weget into the dirty parts of it,
yeah, people don't want to talkabout it. It's Unbleep your Life on
News Talk eleven thirty wicent more comingup. Anita Ashley has more advice on
(23:03):
how to on bleep your Life andrelationships on News Talk eleven thirty wys Okay,
welcome back, guys. So that'syou know, a little story about
me. There's a lot more,you know, pick up the book and
you can read all about it.And if you stay tuned every Sunday night
eight to nine pm Central, youwill learn more and more about some of
(23:25):
my challenges and why I do whatI do, which I have been asking,
you know, how do you dothis? And I used to think,
oh my god, No, it'sjust academically I fell into it.
No, when you read the book, you find out I was groomed to
be a therapist. I'm the middlechild, so in between my brother's conflict
and of course in between my parents'conflict. Now I just get paid to
you resolve that conflict. Before Iwas just in the middle of it all.
(23:48):
Now I'm in the middle of itin a different way. Anyway.
Okay, So today I want totalk to you about some of the things
that are related to helping you withthe core issues. I think that most
people are struggle with WAN. Itcomes to needs and expectations. So within
that category. Now, in workingwith couples, individuals, and families for
over twenty five years, I thinkthere are five things that we need to
(24:11):
work five categories within needs and expectationsthat we need to work on. I
talk about them in detail in thebook. I have a question today that
one of my followers from Instagram sentin, Hey, if you're interested in
following me on Instagram, it's askingyou to ask Lee that's my handle.
Send in your questions, comments afterthe show, if you want to share
something or if you have a question. Okay, so what do you think
(24:34):
any idea is greg in terms ofneeds and expectations and five things I think
over the last twenty five years I'veidentified that if we could just tweak and
work on these things, we couldhave healthier and better relationships with each other
people conversation like you said earlier,conversation we're doing a husband and a wife.
Yeah, I can't of lose it. After a while, they lose
(24:56):
They forget about talking about things absolutelylutely. And that if we want to
put in a clinical term, mustshare it's not even clinical because you know,
I don't like to get through clinicalthat's boring. Emotional intimacy. What
you're talking about is emotional intimacy.So let me just run down the list.
But the one I'm going to focuson today is emotional intimacy. So
(25:17):
with regards to needs and expectations,we need to know first of all,
what our emotional needs are. Sowhat are our needs and expectations with regards
to number one emotional intimacy? Physicalintimacy, which is more than just that.
You know what I'm talking about Idon't know if I can say it
on TV, that division of timeand labor. That's because everybody's working today.
(25:41):
And how do we have individual time, how do we have a couple
time, how do we have familytime? Dual incomes? Parenting? Divorce
rate is high? How do weparent in step families? But how do
we co parent? I might getinto trouble for this one when nobody's parenting
the children except for social media.I know we all want to worry,
we all want to make some money, but guess what, if you're going
(26:03):
to be a parent, you needto be present. You're on the right
station for that one. I'm tellingyou. We need to be present in
the lives of our children. Wedon't want them to be raised via social
media or the TV. What Idon't know, I want well, I
think TV was less harmful because Ihave to tell you I was raised on
TV, sure, and what Isee today is worse like social media.
(26:25):
It's so toxic. That's a wholeanother show, guys. Okay, so
parenting and the last one finances.We need to be able to talk about
money in our relationship, and weall have a relationship with money, and
that comes from family of origin,and people will say, Anita, what
is family of origin mean? Whatis this word? You're going to hear
this often in my show. Familyof origin are the people that we grew
(26:48):
up with. It might not beyour biological parents, because I don't know,
you might have to grow up withyour aunt, uncle, whatever it
is. They are the group ofpeople that we learned our morals are values
from They shaped our thinking, Theyshape the way we handled emotions. Our
family of origin. We all comeinto a relationship with our significant other with
that history. So whatever however youfeel about money and however you use it
(27:10):
in a relationship, and we allhave one that can be kind of negative
and positive, we need to beable to negotiate that with our in our
car, you're talking about like onespouse having an account and another one having
account. Well or is it morethan that? Well it's more. It's
a little bit more than that.But it's how you know. Okay,
I'm old, So I had atraditional setup. Everybody everything got merged right.
(27:32):
Yeah, yes, today people don'tdo that. You have your account,
I have mine. I just gotmarried three years ago. They both
have their separate account. At first, I was like oh, I don't
like this, and how do youdo it? Like you owe me ten
bucks for the wine from last night. Literally, I've heard that in my
session. I'm like, oh mygod, this is beeped up. But
I get it because the divorce rateis so high. I mean, I
tell my daughter, I said,yeah, you got to protect yourself because
(27:55):
what if something happens to you.So we are living in a very diff
different climate when it comes to maritalcommitment and divorce. And so far,
I'm not judging that because people getdivorced. That's life. However, we
need to learn to be able totalk about money in a way that's going
to help our relationship and not hinderit. When I listen to some of
the fights that go on in myoffice, they're often related to these five
(28:18):
things that I've talked about and money. Sometimes people don't want to talk about
it because it's so uncomfortable. Whohas all the money? Money? And
by the way, money is powerin relationships. It is as are other
things that we can talk about interms of physical intimacy, emotional intimacy.
We use things as weapons. ButI want to get back to you because
I can go all over the placenow. I got to get myself back
(28:40):
to fecial I'm here to focus,get back in here now. Emotional intimacy
is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships, and it trickles down into everything else
we just talked about, you know, we talked about physical intimacy, division
of labor and time, parenting andfinances. What is emotional intimacy? People
(29:03):
often use that term interchangeably with physicalintimacy. They are not the same thing.
I literally listened to couples and said, oh, we were we were
emotional last night, didn't we justyou know, And I'm like, no,
no, no, let's define whatit is, Greg, And you
want to help us along over here, or what's your view? What do
you think of emotional intimacy or whatit is? But you said it before
(29:29):
talking, well yeah, basically yeah, yeah, But people don't see this
as you get older. Yeah,you end up just kind of sitting there
looking at each other. Yeah,I see what you're saying, just talking.
But when people hear the word intimacy, they think of the physical act.
You think of sex, Yes,they think about sex. I wasn't
sure if I was. You cansay sex, I can say it,
thank you okay. So emotional intimacyis being vulnerable to the person that you're
(29:53):
with. It is being emotionally naked. We have an easier time being physically
naked with people today then emotionally naked, because think about it. If you
can say what you really think andwhat you really feel about things, you're
going to have less issues with parenting, less issues with finances, less issues
(30:14):
with divisional labor. Who's going totake out the garbage to be super?
But if you don't and you can'ttalk about these things, how can you
fix them? Because often I havepeople sitting in front of me and I
will say, well, did youtalk to her about this? No?
But they want a solution. I'mlike, dude, how do you expect
to fix this? If you can'ttalk to her about it? You want
to run before you can. Howdo we talk to her about it?
(30:38):
How do we do it? Justdo it? Yeah, that's it,
don't text. My number one thingis, first of all, okay,
you're jumping the gun here. You'regoing to have to look at emotional intimacy
as a priority in your relationship asyou do the physical intimacy sex. Because
everybody says, oh, we gotto do that, and then I gave
(31:00):
you emotional intimacy. And there isthis necessario type men and women, But
it's so true in working with menand women today, and women will say,
well, he doesn't have any emotionalneeds. Absolutely, he has emotional
needs, but how he expresses themis different to you, and how you
get those needs met is different.So that goes back to we just talk
about the umbrella of needs and expectations. We all have needs and expectations.
(31:25):
We need to sit down with ourselvesand ask ourselves, what are my needs
and expectations. And then once weknow them and we're aware of them,
we have to share that with ourpartner. And then we're going to listen
to what our partner is going tosay to us. Sure, we're going
to learn about what their needs andexpectations are with regards to these categories we
just talked about. And guess what, guys, we change over time because
(31:48):
what I what I used to needand expect ten years ago, is not
what I need and expect today.But what happens couples are operating. People
are operating on the needs and expectationsI had to ten years ago, but
I'm not that person anymore, I'vechanged. Life has happened to me.
Stuff has happened to me. Sowe have to keep the dialogue going.
As you were talking about, oneof the main major things have components of
(32:09):
emotional intimacy, nurturing it, developingit, and maintaining it is to have
a verbal conversation with your partner.We could go on forever and every year
are wow. Well, I'll tellyou what. We got one more segment
to go, and I can imagineyou're gonna have a lot for us.
I do I have a question forone of my followers which we're gonna address.
(32:30):
What is the question and we'll goto the break. How do I
get more connected with my partner andmy family? I'm feeling emotionally disconnected.
Wow, we'll answer that coming outNews Talk eleven thirty wisn back to unbleep
your life and relationships on News Talkeleven thirty wis Okay, guys, welcome
(32:55):
back, And I just want tobefore I read the question from my follower
on Instagram, I want to say, even though we are the most connected
today globally, we are the leastconnected emotionally. We just talked about emotional
intimacy and what that is, andit's kind of sad, but people say,
well, no, I feel sounless you're in a long distance relationship
(33:17):
or you know, thing like COVIDand technology was wonderful. But I agree,
and I believe that we need toget back to the basics about of
talking to each other, which takesmore than a text message, takes more
than an email. And I knowsometimes FaceTime is great, but we should
be able to sit down with eachother and have a conversation. So let
(33:37):
me before I digress, let meget to my question. Okay, here
it is ready, Greg, DearAnita. I've been with my partner for
ten years and we have two children, age twelve and fifteen. I love
my wife, I love my family. However, I feel we are disconnected
as a couple, and so isour family. Help Doug, he didn't
(33:59):
mind if I use it name.So this lends itself very well to what
we were just talking about. First, I want to say, Doug,
there is hope. Thank you somuch for sharing your issue with us,
and you are not alone in this. It's the number one thing I work
with in my office is this feelingof disconnect from our partner, the lack
of emotional intimacy we're feeling with ourpartner. And of course my patients always
(34:22):
say to me, well, okay, thanks Anita, now that you've helped
me identify the problem. Because you, guys, your strengths are all good
at identifying what the hell is rungwith me, you can say hell,
sorry, guys, got to tameme. So I thing. Okay,
So we are the most connected leastconnected. We've identified the problem. But
(34:43):
what are we going to do?We have to have an actionable item.
And as a therapist, I ama firm believer, and we can explore
it. We can look at ourpast, but what are we going to
do to change it? And sometimeswe can answer why this happens, sometimes
we can, but we need tobe able to change it. The number
one thing you need to do putaway your phone. Put away your phone.
(35:05):
Don't even have it on you nearyou. Put it away because as
soon as I think dings, guesswhat, you're already distracted. I just
did that. I'm pretty much.Oh yeah, thank you, Greg,
I thought you were here present withme. So put it away in a
drawer somewhere, okay, and sitdown with your partner. Tell your partner
how you're feeling. I'm feeling disconnected. Talk about what you're thinking, what
you're feeling. Don't speak for them. We often do that. You do
(35:28):
this and it makes me feel this. Talk about yourself. Use eye language.
I'm feeling disconnected in this relationship.I'm feeling like I could do more
because we always want the other personto do and give to us. Take
it upon yourself. I feel disconnected. I want to be closer as a
couple. I want to be closeras a family. What can I do
differently? Once you've shared that withyour partner, allow them the space and
(35:52):
time to process that information and thenlisten to their side of the story.
Often, when there's one person that'sfeeling like that, guess what, there's
another one feeling very similar. Sorry, God, I was gonna say,
you know, you bring up agood point. You're always saying you make
me feel like this, you youyou, rather than say I feel this,
Because so now I'm starting to understand, Yeah, it's me I should
(36:15):
talk about this is how I feel. Yeah. Biggest mistake people make when
they're having a conversation with somebody,trying to resolve somebody, they right away,
externalize to the other person. Okay, these are communication skills that we've
lost. I outline them in mybook and we will have another show just
dedicated to how to have a healthyconversation with our partners. So getting back
(36:35):
to building some emotional intimacy, havethat conversation in language, with words,
not via texting. Okay, onceyou have an understanding of what the other
one is feeling and thinking, thenwhat do you do with that? Right?
Because that's the next question. II've done that. Now what I'm
going to say, Okay, I'mgoing to give you a prescription, very
easy to apply and very concrete.Let's see what you do with this.
(36:58):
How do you eat? How doyou eat as a family, how do
you eat as a couple? Andthey look at me like, what does
that have to do with anything thatI'm talking about or asking you? It
has a lot to do with it. We have lost our way of basic
things. We engage what I callscattered eating, and we got to get
back to gathered eating. Let mesay that again, n move away from
(37:19):
scattered eating and get to gathered eatingand why and how is that related to
emotional intimacy? When people eat togetherGuess what happens. You talk and you
build connections, and there's micro conversationsgoing on, and you don't have to
be the sole person making the dinner. If that's you get the family involved.
But before you do that, you'regoing to tell your partner, guess
(37:42):
what Anita said. We need toeat together. And before we eat together,
let's examine how we actually eat.And I bet you anything, everybody's
eating in different places, scattered eating. I walk into some household, I
bet my patients, I'm like,what am I going to see when I
walk into your household at dinner time? My son's on the computer having his
thing, my daughter's in her room, my wife is doing one thing,
and I'm eating over here. Getaway from scattered eating. That's scattered.
(38:06):
We've lost the basics, everybody,No, don't. Everybody needs to stop
doing that. We need to getback to gathered eating, the whole ritual
of eating together and even before that, preparing the meal together. And I
did this with my kids as muchas I could help me get the table
ready, cut the vega, dosomething, because within those operational tasks,
(38:27):
guess what's happening emotionally? We arebuilding emotional connections. That's that's fascinating because
when the kids, my kids werelittle, we did sit around. Once
it got busier in this and thiskid out of with this, so everybody
was scattered house yes and no.And people say to me, well,
my kids, you know, I'mlike, who's in charge? Are you
(38:50):
in charge? Are your kids incharge of your household? Guess what happens
in my household. When my kidswere younger, I was in charge.
I set the rules on how wewere going to eat. And if the
rules were screwed up, like manyfamilies today have, it's not too late.
Reset, but your partner's got tobe on board with you. Get
your partner on board and say,okay, we're gonna solve try to solve
this problem of feeling disconnected as acouple but also as a family. You
(39:15):
and I right now are going tomake an agreement with each other. Starting
tomorrow, we are going to eatas a family. But before we even
start that, we're going to havea meeting with our children. We're gonna
say, hey, kids, startingtomorrow, this is what we're gonna do.
And I know, and today isbusy, being busy, not everybody
can be there to do that,but make it a goal to do it
at least twice a week. Makeit a goal to do it once a
(39:35):
week. I'm sure at some pointin the week all the bodies are in
the house, but they're scattered.Get them gathered to the table having this
Sunday night dinner. Yeah, welost that. We don't do that anymore.
We don't do that anymore. ButI bet if you made an effort,
you could do it at least oncea week. That's my challenge to
you, listeners. I want youto think about how your family eats during
(39:59):
the week. Are you a scatteredfamily or are you gonna get to the
table and become gathered family? Engageand participate in gathered eating. It's basic,
it's simple, it's concrete. Butthe consequent the beauty of it,
all, the ripple effects of thatare incredible in terms of our emotional intimacy
(40:20):
with our partner and our family.I am the old fart here. My
wife works twelve hour three twelve hourshift. She's a registered nurse. I
have my goofy hours. We're atthat point right now. So what time
are you gonna eat? We nevereat together, so I'm thinking I should
set that appointment. You said,so she works. She works this week
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.So Wednesday and Friday, you can't Saturday
(40:45):
and Sunday. Absolutely, and shiftyour time, you know, and especially
now you're saying you don't have kidsat home, well shift your time.
Eat at eight o'clock. We don'tneed to be rigid. But the whole
thing is about spending quality time together, building emotional intimacy with your partner,
People in your life that are importantrequires time. It's not that complicated,
(41:05):
but we have complicated a very basicthings because we are busy being busy on
our founds. We are busy beingbusy on social media trying to connect with
somebody when we have the connections infront of us, and we are not
nurturing those connections, and then wewonder why our relationships are falling apart.
Do you see the ripple effects ofjust one simple thing? So identify and
(41:28):
I'm sure people listening can identify withthis where you feel disconnected and you don't
know how to the first thing thatI always say and you're always going to
hear from you, guys, iseverything starts with a verbal conversation, sit
down first have that conversation with yourselfself awareness. Then share your thoughts and
feelings with your partner, because ifyou cannot do that basic thing, nothing
(41:51):
is going to get fixed. I'mlearning something right now. Scattered, no
gathered, yay, and put yourdamn phone theayt You know that right there
is the number one because you seeyou see people sitting around the dinner table
texting, not talking. I've seenthis before, yes, well we see
it in restaurants. It's literally yougo out to a restaurant, you look
(42:15):
around the room. People are notlooking into each other's eyes. They're looking
at their screens. That's fubbing.And anybody who does that to him like,
maybe we should, you know,reschedule our time together because clearly that's
more unless you're a doctor, oryou're on call, somebody's dying, or
you have kids. That's the onlyexception kids, you know, put the
(42:35):
phone away. Where are you engagingwith me? How are we gonna build
emotional intimacy if we can't sit togetherand eat together sharing coffee? Think about
when date? What dating involves?Why go to on a date? What
do we do? We go outto have a meal together, We sit
across from each other. We lookinto each other's eyes and we have conversation.
Why is it that years later wedon't value that anymore. That long
(42:59):
term relationship, when you want tomaintain them and keep them healthy, they
require emotional intimacy to be nurtured ona day to day, week to week
basis a simple thing. Stop scatteredeating and get back to gathered eating.
Simple simple as that. This isjust the first show, just the first
show, and can you believe howfast this went? And I got so
much more to say. Well,we are going to say that in the
(43:21):
next to come. You're gonna haveguests and all coming into the show.
You're gonna have callers. Now,I know there's a lot of listeners out
there going who is this gal?I want to find out more about.
How do we get a hold ofsocial media? Yes, I am on
Instagram. It's ask a Needa Asley. I have an Instagram Live. I
have all kinds of stuff that happensduring the week. I'm also on YouTube
(43:42):
and Twitter, but the most activeis on Instagram. And if you guys
are interested in learning more about theseprescriptions, feel free to buy my book.
It is I can't say the word, unbleep your life and relationships on
Amazon, Simon and Schuster, Target, Walmart, wherever. Just google my
name Anita Ashley and will come across. But I am here to help you
build healthy relationships from the inside out. Fantastic. I can't wait any any
(44:07):
anything for next week and you tellus what we're going to We're gonna talk
about physical intimacy this week, eighto'clock News Talk, eleven thirty W.
I said, great show, it'sbeen a lot of fun. Thank you.
Relationships weather, romantic, platonic,familial are complicated and can be downright messy,
bringing out the best and worst inall of us. Here's an opportunity
for you to learn effective, concretestrategies to help you build healthy relationships from
the inside out. It's un BleepYour Life and Relationships with host Anita Ashland,
(00:23):
psychotherapist of over twenty five years.Hey, guys, welcome to Unbleep
Your Life and Relationships. I'm yourhost, Anita Asley. I'm so glad
that you guys are joining us ona Sunday night eight to nine pm.
What a great time to talk aboutrelationships. I gotta tell you there's a
book out there that's a very interestingtitle, but I can't say the entire
(00:45):
name. It's Unbleep Your Life andRelationships. You can get it on Amazon
and Simon and Schuster. Before weget into the topic today, let me
tell you a little bit more aboutmyself. I'm a licensed marriage and family
therapist. I have over twenty fiveyears experience in working with couples, individuals
and families struggling with a variety ofissues, and over the years, I've
(01:11):
come to learn a lot of thingsabout people. But also myself. So
the book is really how did thepeople ask me, why did you decide
to write this book? And notthat that's a really interesting question, and
I think back to many many sessionsago, because the book took about three
four years to write and then finallyget it published. It was actually one
(01:34):
of my patients who I'd been workingwith for a long time, who's really
dealing with some childhood traumatic issues.How many people have those? A lot
of us. So she looked atme and said, Anita, how could
you possibly relate to some of thethings I'm talking about? I mean,
look at you. You're a professional. You sit in your chair and you
listen to me, and you sometimeshelp me. Sometimes I think you're not.
(01:57):
But most of all you help me. But sometimes I wonder if you
really can empathize with me. SoI thought, okay, hmm, it's
a very good question. One Ihad asked my own therapist when I was
in therapy during my graduate studies,which is a whole nother story. I
do talk about that in the book, and that was actually part of my
requirement. I had to go throughmy own personal therapy to become a therapist,
(02:19):
which I think is really important.How can you help someone if you
yourself haven't been helped with all yourissues, or you don't know what it's
like to sit on that on theother side of the couch. So anyway,
I digress. So talking to herthen listening to her, then I
thought, you know, I reallyneed to do this because people don't see
the parts of myself that I've workedon for years. And most of all,
(02:42):
it wasn't to garner sympathy for myself, but more to say that adversity
does build resilience. So then Istarted to write the book more out of
showing other people that, yeah,I have been through a lot of stuff
my own self, but it tooka long time to work on that self
to get to where I am today. And I asked people to make themselves
(03:04):
vulnerable to me all the time whenthey're sitting in front of me. So
I said, okay, now it'smy turn. So that's how the book
came to be. And then Ithought, well, oh my god,
there's you know. I was talkingto some of my friends about It's like,
yeah, a great idea, andsomebody said to me, why would
you want to add to the plethoraof self help books? Out there and
how how would yours be different?And I thought, okay, that's a
(03:25):
good question. I know it's allabout my ego to the narcissism, the
ego. We all have that,guys. It's okay. I've been accused
of being a narcissist, but we'reall kind of narcissistic. That's a whole
new episode. Greg is like laughingat me. He's my programmer over here,
producer. Thank you, Greg fortrying. I'm just gonna personal observation.
Ye're sitting here, You're wearing aGuns and Roses t shirt. Yeah,
(03:46):
you just got jeans. You're justa cool person. Thank you.
Well, I'm just all you're thinking. Everybody's thinking out their psychotherapy. She
must have, you know, herbusiness show. No, I never do,
and I was never that therapist.Hence, if you guys choose to
buy the book, you can seethat on the cover. And again,
thank you for saying that. Andyou know you guys can't see it.
But I am. I have issuesjust like everybody else. I've worked on
(04:09):
most of my issues, even thoughI tell people, well, the process
never ends. We have to continuouslywork on ourselves, you know. And
bleeping is never over until we dieanyway, So I decided, you know,
my patients make themselves vulnerable to me, so I need to make myself
vulnerable to everybody else. It's quiteexposing, right. I thought, Oh
(04:30):
my god, I have kids.What are they going to say about all
the stuff that I've been to AndI thought, well, when they're ready
to read it. I didn't forcethem to buy it or anything. I
gave it to them, But whenthey're actually ready to read it, and
I don't think that they have,they'll have a newfound appreciation for some of
the stuff I have gone through.So anyway, that's how the book came
to be. And what is thebook really about. It's different, I
(04:53):
was saying than the other self helpbooks. I think, I believe I
share those fed up experiences that I'vehad in my life, but I also
share how I work through them withthe help of my own psychotherapist, which
I was in therapy for about sevenyears. I went twice a week and
the process started very interestingly enough,and you could read about that in the
(05:14):
book. Anyway. So I sharethose vignettes in the book in addition to
sharing seven concrete things that I thinkpeople need to do today, and it's
not rocket science. I believe there'scertain things that we have lost our way
in and we need to get backto the basics of life and love.
So there's simple things, but there'ssimple things that we have complicated because we
live in a world of what amI going to say? Greg? Yeah,
(05:40):
texting each other. We don't knowhow to communicate with each other.
Our primary mode of communication is usinga phone, digital communication, which I
think is great. I'm not papooing it. I love it, and
it really helped us and saved us, as you know during COVID. Otherwise
how would we have communicated with eachother. But however, it has taken
(06:00):
over, so we've lost our wayand the end communicating is an art,
communicating with each other using words,sitting with each other, looking at each
other. It is something that's beenlost. Even though I think, oh
my god, it's such a basicthing to do. Do I really have
to help people do this, Butin my office I do. And I'm
going to go to one of thewords that you're going to hear me using
(06:21):
today and throughout the next series ofradio shows that we do. Conversation.
Now, Greg, you tell mewhen you hear the word conversation, What
do you think is taking place?You're trying to communicate to each other,
trying to tell you how you feel. Yes, right, yeah, but
maybe because we're old. I knowI'm old. I don't want to call
you I. But today when Ilisten to probably for the last five years,
(06:43):
I'm listening to people talk about theirproblems and they're trying to resolve something,
and they're using this word conversation.Now, in my head, I'm
thinking conversation, you're talking, you'repicking up the phone, you're sitting next
to each other. Perhaps No,I come to learn that now conversation is
equal to texting, and I reallyhave to stop people. Yeah. I'm
like, wait a minute, wasthis a conversation? And they're like,
(07:04):
yeah, of course it was.And I said, did you just talk
or it was texting? I'm like, oh my god, no, no,
no, that is not a conversation. I need to teach you how
to conversate, because hey, guys, I love texting. I love doing
all that convenience of it is amazing, But in my experience, it creates
more problems than solutions, especially ifyou're texting about something very personal and I
(07:28):
don't know what emoji to use.Listen. I love emojis because it's a
very quick way of sending somebody,Hey, I love you. It's a
heart. You might not have thetime to do that, but this is
one of the it's a huge problemin today's society today that we have forgotten
how to talk to one another usingwords. And I've been called out and
(07:49):
saying, Anita, you're just out, You're just dated. You know,
you need to get with the program. Like no, no, no,
I am with the program. It'syou guys are sitting in front of me
having issues because you can't za theseissues because you send a text and guess
what happens to that text message.It gets lost in so many different ways
because we can look at a wordand we can put so many interpretations on
(08:09):
that word. But if I hearyou say the word and we're talking,
we're sitting with each other, thatword can actually tell me so much more
than the actual word. Well,the inflection and the emotions. We miss
all of that. Yeah, Soanyway, that so we're gonna be talking
about some really fun things on thisshow, but also giving you things to
(08:31):
take away in your own relationships.That you can utilize and also just within
yourself. And yeah, I gottatell you. Some people saying, you
know, when you're talking about relationships, I love the conversation, but I
can't really join in, and I'mlike, why I'm not in a relationship.
I'm like, dude, you totallyare. The first relationship that we
have to work on is the onewe have with ourselves. You know,
(08:54):
sometimes my kids will say, Mom, your lips are moving. I'm like,
yeah, I'm talking to myself.Sometimes I act she say the words.
But guys, we have to fixthe relationship we have with our self
self Awareness chapter one in this bookthat's amazing available on Amazon. We have
to work on ourselves because if wedon't fix some of the things that we're
struggling with, we are going tobring them into the relationship that we're in
(09:18):
today, whether it's with our friends. And let's clarify this term relationship by
the way relationships. People think ofthat word and they hear it, they
think romantic. No, what otherkinds of relationships are we in? Greg
family, Yeah, son, daughter, You know sometimes they're the most bleeped
up relationships. Right, I havetwo brothers, I'm a middle child,
(09:39):
So I know that all too well. So it's not exclusive to romantic We
have familiar relationships with our friendships,botonic relationships, collegiate relationships. We want
to open up that today. Yeahin law. So the relationships are complicated
and we are all in relationship.And my goal here with this show and
(10:01):
the book and the work that Icontinue to do, which is bring my
message of building healthy relationships is keyin our life because our mental health hinges
on the quality of our relationships.So I've gone beyond the confines of my
office to trying to share this messagewith people through media and just everybody in
the world, because I think whenour relationships are healthy, we are healthy.
(10:26):
If I think of all the peoplethat sit in front of me and
come to work out some issue,it is generally never just about themselves.
It is about a relationship gone wrong, right, and they are somehow hurt,
they're disappointed, there's all of that. Conflicts are not resolved. So
we don't live in this bubble justaround us. We have relationships with people
(10:48):
that if they're not managed well,they take a lot of weight in our
head. Yeah, Hey, we'regoing to take a quick break here and
we'll find out more about the bookand yourself. I think we were just
getting into the program right now.We want to know a little bit about
you. Yeah, okay, look, there's got to be a big story
behind that. There is always this. More on news Talk eleven thirty WISN
(11:13):
everyone strives for healthier relationships. Here'smore of Unleep your life and Relationships on
News Talk eleven thirty WISN. Welcomeback. Okay, So let's talk about
some of the things that I discussedin the book. Now this this radio
show is not going to be justdissecting the book the entire time, No,
(11:35):
but I will take elements of thebook because it's it's really a culmination
of my personal and professional experience overthe last twenty five years. So I
have learned so much about people andof course myself and the relationships in particular.
So let's talk about Let me justoutline some of the chapters in the
book. The first one, asI mentioned before, is self awareness.
The relationship that we have with ourselvesis really important if we're going to have
(11:58):
healthy relationship with other people. Now, what does that mean? We hear
that word being thrown around all thetime, we'll get into that in another
episode. Not today. We aregoing to be talking about one of these
key points, but not today onthat one. The other one. The
next chapter is unbleep your thoughts andemotions. We all need to do that
unbleep talking verbal communication. Greg andI touched upon the texting part of that.
(12:22):
Unbleep mind reading. This is whatI'm going to get into a little
bit today. Unbleeping mind reading islinked to our needs and expectations. The
other chapter is unbleep blurredlines Boundaries.We all need to have some boundaries.
And I'll tell you Greg, I'vemet people say I don't need any I
don't have any. No, youneed them to protect yourself, protect other
people and your relationships. We willtalk about that again. You can read
(12:45):
about that also in the book.The other one is unbleep conflict. Stop
avoiding conflict and embrace it. Conflicthas such a negative connotation in our society,
but you know what conflict is reallyimportant. Anytime you get close to
anyone, Greg, what's gonna happen? Yeah, you're yeah, I know
what exactly what you're meaning. Intimacybreeds conflict. You know, superficial is
(13:07):
okay? We put our best footforward. But when we have conflict in
a relationship, it is an opportunityfor that relationship to grow. So either
we're gonna build more emotional intimacy,which I'll talk about what does that really
mean? We're going to decrease ouremotional intimacy, or our relationship is going
to be stuck. But basically it'san opportunity for you and I to get
(13:28):
closer or further apart. It alldepends on how we resolve that conflict.
Yeah, because when I'm agreeing witheverything you're saying, of course life is
going to be good, and you'reagreeing with me, it's gonna be good.
But what is a conflict? It'syou saying something different to what I'm
saying, what I'm thinking and feeling, and how do we resolve that difference.
We all have differences. That's thebeauty of human beings. No one
is exactly the same. So weneed to in relationships, whatever kind of
(13:52):
relationship it is. Guys, theythat escalates everything. Oh do let's back
up. Let's back up here.I'm a bad man. No, but
we need no but we need somebodyto de escalate it. But people don't
know how to de escalate in ahealthy manner. Sometimes they For them,
de escalation means we're just not gonnatalk about this and tomorrow we'll wake up
(14:15):
and I'll give you a nice bigkiss. Everything will be fine. That's
not de escalating. That's actually metastasizingthe problem. But that is such a
hot topic and we are going totalk about it. But all of us
need to know how to resolve conflict. That is a future show coming up.
And I know you guys need toknow how to resolve conflict because you're
in a relationship with someone. AsI said, maybe you're having a conflict
(14:37):
with yourself. I do what amI gonna do? Okay? The next
one is unbleep happiness, forgiveness,acceptance, and contentment. That is the
last chapter of the book. Itkind of brings everything together, like,
once we're able to do some ofthese seven fundamental things prescriptions I call them
(14:58):
in the book, then we canget to a place in our life where
we're mostly content. I don't likethe word happiness because is I believe chasing
happiness is a bottomless pit and wenever get there. In the pursuit of
happiness, we mostly become more unhappy, especially with all the stuff that goes
on social media today. Right,I'm looking at so and so's live.
Oh my god, she seems sohappy. I'm so miserable. I need
(15:20):
to be happier than that person,or how do I get to that level
of happiness. No, I don'twant people to pursue happiness. I want
them to pursue a sense of overallcontentment. And what does that mean?
Another show coming up, but Iwill just say this. I see contentment
as an umbrella over our life,and happiness is being one of the components,
(15:41):
one of the things under that umbrella. Because I can feel happy today
and feel really depressed. It's likethat heart monitor up and down, up
and down. And that's okay.But the problem is sometimes when people are
on that low part, feeling unhappy, they make monumental decisions which you know,
destruct, They destruct their life,They self destruct. So in the
(16:03):
mode of an unhappiness that feeling,don't do anything, because look at your
life overall, If overall your contentthen a little bit of unhappiness here and
there, which we all have,is normal. Be unhappy, being unhappy,
someome be happy. I'm being unhappy. Sometimes you bring up such a
good point because everybody's on Instagram,they've got their Facebook, they got their
(16:23):
TikTok, and they're looking at allthese influencers yes and think, oh,
they've got a wonderful line. Yeah, can I have that? Yeah?
And just resolve that. Right,It's a snapshot of somebody's life, and
we want to talk about this.This is such a hot topic and there's
so much to talk about when itcomes to that. But what I want
to say is when you're looking atthat picture or that post, and I
(16:44):
do have a chapter in the booktalking about how this plays on our psyche,
and overall have to say, allthe research is saying it's not a
positive impact on our psyche. Whenwe're on social media, ask yourself about
contentment. Learn about contentment, andI want you to use is what I
define in the book as and havean umbrella. Picture an umbrella. And
I like the concept because we've obviouslyen a freaking umbrella, right, we
(17:07):
know what it looks like. Ifoverall everybody under that umbrella is healthy and
doing well and you're content with that, then stop pursuing happiness and allow yourself
to be unhappy sometimes and think ofit as not pathology. That's life,
and it's okay. I feel unhappysometimes when my hair gets screwed up,
you know, but oh bro thankyou, oh broa. I'm not going
(17:30):
to make a life changing decision whenI'm in that mode. So anyway,
those are the things I talk aboutin the book. That are chapters,
and then you can go through theseven prescriptions that I have. I am
going to talk about one of thechapters in more detail today. It is
about needs and expectations. Needs andexpectations. I'll tell you what. We'll
do that in the next segment.We've got about three or four minutes here.
(17:52):
In this segment, we want tofind out about you your mom.
Tell me how many I got totell us that stuff? Now or later?
Let's do it. Okay. SoI'm fifty five. Oh my god,
I turn fifty five. I havetwo children. My son is twenty
three. He probably doesn't want tobe mentioned here and all. They're embarrassed
to me maybe a little bit.My daughter's twenty so in university. So
I've gone through all the highs andlows of mom. I've had, you
(18:17):
know, significant relationships. I havetwo siblings. I'm the middle child.
I was born in India. Ilived in Germany. Then I lived in
Upstate New York, Montrea, Canada. Did I say that I lost you
know, yeah, Montreal, Canada, and then I ended up in Wisconsin.
Don't ask me how, but I'mhere and I do love you know.
(18:37):
I never thought i'd say this,but I actually love living here.
So the whole, the whole,the whole Packer fan thing. No,
I'm not into the Packers yet,but I do enjoy a football game.
I just wish it wasn't so coldout there. When we go out to
baseball, I will do so.My motto in life is, hey,
if I haven't done it, I'dlike to try. And but I am
a Bucks fan, I'll you know, I just like to go out and
(18:59):
live life as a child. Youknow, here we go back to my
traumas and I'll tell people listen.When I share stuff in the book,
it is not to bash my parents. And I say that to my patients
too, because I do want toknow where they come from, what is
their history, just like you're askingme, sure, I believe that all
most parents do the best that theycan with what they have. So in
(19:21):
the book, I don't bash myparents, and I didn't write the book
to bash my parents. My parentsare amazing people. My father was a
very hard worker. He was animmigrant, the immigrant story. You know.
Sure, we immigrated from India,and he wanted the best for all
of us. You know, there'sthree of us and of course my mom.
But we had very different challenges.As an immigrant family. There are
(19:41):
multiple challenges you go through, andespecially as a young person. I grew
up in Montreal, I went througha lot of bicultural identity issues, and
not to get into all that psychobabblestuff, but what it really means is
you're conflicted between what's going on inmainstream culture and what goes on at home.
So the expectations of me was thatI'm going to be a nice little
Indian girl, and that's full ofa lot of stuff. We can dedicate
(20:03):
hours to that. Coverty, howmuch time do you have, right?
Is this becoming a therapy nice girl? Yeah? I had to be the
nice little Indian girl, which isfine. But then you know, all
I wanted to do is were Ipay our jeans and wear some makeup.
So I mean that's just you know, one of some of the things I
had to struggle with But as ayoung person, teenager, where your identity
is evolving, that's very difficult.And I talk about that in the book,
(20:27):
and I remember trying to work thisout within myself and then of course
with my therapist later later in yearsyears later is I look at my parents,
I think, you know what,it was really difficult for them.
They themselves were trying to understand thisnew culture, trying to preserve some of
their culture. And then mainst youknow, how do you bring up children
(20:48):
when you're yourself have two cultures thatyou're trying to navigate and preserve at the
same time. But anyway, whatI want to say is to those listening
out there, you had a troubledchildhood past, whatever you can work through
it, don't blame I mean thereare some parents who are you know,
they are to blame when their physicalabuse, sexual abuse, all neglect,
all that kind of stuff. Buteven then I think, okay, wait
(21:08):
a minute, so I didn't haveany of that, but emotional physical abuse.
But I'm like, okay, physicalabuse and the Indian culture, you
do something wrong, I'm gonna smackyou across the head. Today that's called
physical abuse with it. So Ihad those kinds of challenges and they did
put me in a spot that wasvery difficult, but again resilience I came
(21:30):
out. You know. I hadgood conversations throughout the years with my therapists
and then with my parents, andof course in the end we have very
good relationship. My dad has passedaway since all this stuff went on in
my life. I had a veryconflicted relationship with him. You read all
about that fun stuff in the book. So yeah, I got daddy issues,
but they're mostly resolved. Guys,I just want to say that mostly
resolved. And they did get resolvedbefore he passed away, so thank god.
(21:53):
You know, unresolved grief is nothingthat people want to deal with.
It's terrible. But it took yearsof work, years of talking to him
sometime, you know, years oftherapy, even though he didn't believe in
any of that stuff. I do. So I believe even if you're talking
to people who are not proponents oftherapy, you yourself can shift that dynamic.
I went for therapy there for everybodywho was in my life had to
(22:15):
make shifts. It's like a dominothing, you know, you turn one
domino around everybody's got to adjust tothat, and you might lose people in
that process, which is okay becausethey might think, like, hey,
we want to eat a change,you know, but we don't like this
change because it's impacting us. It'smaking me very uncomfortable. But that's what
therapy does. It makes people uncomfortable. Even like with having some podcasts,
(22:36):
some shows, people are going,do we have to use that term?
Like what you make it sound like? It's a dirty little word. Everybody
get used to it. We talkabout mental health, we hear about mental
health, but as soon as weget into the dirty parts of it,
yeah, people don't want to talkabout it. It's Unbleep your Life on
News Talk eleven thirty wicent more comingup. Anita Ashley has more advice on
(23:03):
how to on bleep your Life andrelationships on News Talk eleven thirty wys Okay,
welcome back, guys. So that'syou know, a little story about
me. There's a lot more,you know, pick up the book and
you can read all about it.And if you stay tuned every Sunday night
eight to nine pm Central, youwill learn more and more about some of
(23:25):
my challenges and why I do whatI do, which I have been asking,
you know, how do you dothis? And I used to think,
oh my god, No, it'sjust academically I fell into it.
No, when you read the book, you find out I was groomed to
be a therapist. I'm the middlechild, so in between my brother's conflict
and of course in between my parents'conflict. Now I just get paid to
you resolve that conflict. Before Iwas just in the middle of it all.
(23:48):
Now I'm in the middle of itin a different way. Anyway.
Okay, So today I want totalk to you about some of the things
that are related to helping you withthe core issues. I think that most
people are struggle with WAN. Itcomes to needs and expectations. So within
that category. Now, in workingwith couples, individuals, and families for
over twenty five years, I thinkthere are five things that we need to
(24:11):
work five categories within needs and expectationsthat we need to work on. I
talk about them in detail in thebook. I have a question today that
one of my followers from Instagram sentin, Hey, if you're interested in
following me on Instagram, it's askingyou to ask Lee that's my handle.
Send in your questions, comments afterthe show, if you want to share
something or if you have a question. Okay, so what do you think
(24:34):
any idea is greg in terms ofneeds and expectations and five things I think
over the last twenty five years I'veidentified that if we could just tweak and
work on these things, we couldhave healthier and better relationships with each other
people conversation like you said earlier,conversation we're doing a husband and a wife.
Yeah, I can't of lose it. After a while, they lose
(24:56):
They forget about talking about things absolutelylutely. And that if we want to
put in a clinical term, mustshare it's not even clinical because you know,
I don't like to get through clinicalthat's boring. Emotional intimacy. What
you're talking about is emotional intimacy.So let me just run down the list.
But the one I'm going to focuson today is emotional intimacy. So
(25:17):
with regards to needs and expectations,we need to know first of all,
what our emotional needs are. Sowhat are our needs and expectations with regards
to number one emotional intimacy? Physicalintimacy, which is more than just that.
You know what I'm talking about Idon't know if I can say it
on TV, that division of timeand labor. That's because everybody's working today.
(25:41):
And how do we have individual time, how do we have a couple
time, how do we have familytime? Dual incomes? Parenting? Divorce
rate is high? How do weparent in step families? But how do
we co parent? I might getinto trouble for this one when nobody's parenting
the children except for social media.I know we all want to worry,
we all want to make some money, but guess what, if you're going
(26:03):
to be a parent, you needto be present. You're on the right
station for that one. I'm tellingyou. We need to be present in
the lives of our children. Wedon't want them to be raised via social
media or the TV. What Idon't know, I want well, I
think TV was less harmful because Ihave to tell you I was raised on
TV, sure, and what Isee today is worse like social media.
(26:25):
It's so toxic. That's a wholeanother show, guys. Okay, so
parenting and the last one finances.We need to be able to talk about
money in our relationship, and weall have a relationship with money, and
that comes from family of origin,and people will say, Anita, what
is family of origin mean? Whatis this word? You're going to hear
this often in my show. Familyof origin are the people that we grew
(26:48):
up with. It might not beyour biological parents, because I don't know,
you might have to grow up withyour aunt, uncle, whatever it
is. They are the group ofpeople that we learned our morals are values
from They shaped our thinking, Theyshape the way we handled emotions. Our
family of origin. We all comeinto a relationship with our significant other with
that history. So whatever however youfeel about money and however you use it
(27:10):
in a relationship, and we allhave one that can be kind of negative
and positive, we need to beable to negotiate that with our in our
car, you're talking about like onespouse having an account and another one having
account. Well or is it morethan that? Well it's more. It's
a little bit more than that.But it's how you know. Okay,
I'm old, So I had atraditional setup. Everybody everything got merged right.
(27:32):
Yeah, yes, today people don'tdo that. You have your account,
I have mine. I just gotmarried three years ago. They both
have their separate account. At first, I was like oh, I don't
like this, and how do youdo it? Like you owe me ten
bucks for the wine from last night. Literally, I've heard that in my
session. I'm like, oh mygod, this is beeped up. But
I get it because the divorce rateis so high. I mean, I
tell my daughter, I said,yeah, you got to protect yourself because
(27:55):
what if something happens to you.So we are living in a very diff
different climate when it comes to maritalcommitment and divorce. And so far,
I'm not judging that because people getdivorced. That's life. However, we
need to learn to be able totalk about money in a way that's going
to help our relationship and not hinderit. When I listen to some of
the fights that go on in myoffice, they're often related to these five
(28:18):
things that I've talked about and money. Sometimes people don't want to talk about
it because it's so uncomfortable. Whohas all the money? Money? And
by the way, money is powerin relationships. It is as are other
things that we can talk about interms of physical intimacy, emotional intimacy.
We use things as weapons. ButI want to get back to you because
I can go all over the placenow. I got to get myself back
(28:40):
to fecial I'm here to focus,get back in here now. Emotional intimacy
is the cornerstone of all healthy relationships, and it trickles down into everything else
we just talked about, you know, we talked about physical intimacy, division
of labor and time, parenting andfinances. What is emotional intimacy? People
(29:03):
often use that term interchangeably with physicalintimacy. They are not the same thing.
I literally listened to couples and said, oh, we were we were
emotional last night, didn't we justyou know, And I'm like, no,
no, no, let's define whatit is, Greg, And you
want to help us along over here, or what's your view? What do
you think of emotional intimacy or whatit is? But you said it before
(29:29):
talking, well yeah, basically yeah, yeah, But people don't see this
as you get older. Yeah,you end up just kind of sitting there
looking at each other. Yeah,I see what you're saying, just talking.
But when people hear the word intimacy, they think of the physical act.
You think of sex, Yes,they think about sex. I wasn't
sure if I was. You cansay sex, I can say it,
thank you okay. So emotional intimacyis being vulnerable to the person that you're
(29:53):
with. It is being emotionally naked. We have an easier time being physically
naked with people today then emotionally naked, because think about it. If you
can say what you really think andwhat you really feel about things, you're
going to have less issues with parenting, less issues with finances, less issues
(30:14):
with divisional labor. Who's going totake out the garbage to be super?
But if you don't and you can'ttalk about these things, how can you
fix them? Because often I havepeople sitting in front of me and I
will say, well, did youtalk to her about this? No?
But they want a solution. I'mlike, dude, how do you expect
to fix this? If you can'ttalk to her about it? You want
to run before you can. Howdo we talk to her about it?
(30:38):
How do we do it? Justdo it? Yeah, that's it,
don't text. My number one thingis, first of all, okay,
you're jumping the gun here. You'regoing to have to look at emotional intimacy
as a priority in your relationship asyou do the physical intimacy sex. Because
everybody says, oh, we gotto do that, and then I gave
(31:00):
you emotional intimacy. And there isthis necessario type men and women, But
it's so true in working with menand women today, and women will say,
well, he doesn't have any emotionalneeds. Absolutely, he has emotional
needs, but how he expresses themis different to you, and how you
get those needs met is different.So that goes back to we just talk
about the umbrella of needs and expectations. We all have needs and expectations.
(31:25):
We need to sit down with ourselvesand ask ourselves, what are my needs
and expectations. And then once weknow them and we're aware of them,
we have to share that with ourpartner. And then we're going to listen
to what our partner is going tosay to us. Sure, we're going
to learn about what their needs andexpectations are with regards to these categories we
just talked about. And guess what, guys, we change over time because
(31:48):
what I what I used to needand expect ten years ago, is not
what I need and expect today.But what happens couples are operating. People
are operating on the needs and expectationsI had to ten years ago, but
I'm not that person anymore, I'vechanged. Life has happened to me.
Stuff has happened to me. Sowe have to keep the dialogue going.
As you were talking about, oneof the main major things have components of
(32:09):
emotional intimacy, nurturing it, developingit, and maintaining it is to have
a verbal conversation with your partner.We could go on forever and every year
are wow. Well, I'll tellyou what. We got one more segment
to go, and I can imagineyou're gonna have a lot for us.
I do I have a question forone of my followers which we're gonna address.
(32:30):
What is the question and we'll goto the break. How do I
get more connected with my partner andmy family? I'm feeling emotionally disconnected.
Wow, we'll answer that coming outNews Talk eleven thirty wisn back to unbleep
your life and relationships on News Talkeleven thirty wis Okay, guys, welcome
(32:55):
back, And I just want tobefore I read the question from my follower
on Instagram, I want to say, even though we are the most connected
today globally, we are the leastconnected emotionally. We just talked about emotional
intimacy and what that is, andit's kind of sad, but people say,
well, no, I feel sounless you're in a long distance relationship
(33:17):
or you know, thing like COVIDand technology was wonderful. But I agree,
and I believe that we need toget back to the basics about of
talking to each other, which takesmore than a text message, takes more
than an email. And I knowsometimes FaceTime is great, but we should
be able to sit down with eachother and have a conversation. So let
(33:37):
me before I digress, let meget to my question. Okay, here
it is ready, Greg, DearAnita. I've been with my partner for
ten years and we have two children, age twelve and fifteen. I love
my wife, I love my family. However, I feel we are disconnected
as a couple, and so isour family. Help Doug, he didn't
(33:59):
mind if I use it name.So this lends itself very well to what
we were just talking about. First, I want to say, Doug,
there is hope. Thank you somuch for sharing your issue with us,
and you are not alone in this. It's the number one thing I work
with in my office is this feelingof disconnect from our partner, the lack
of emotional intimacy we're feeling with ourpartner. And of course my patients always
(34:22):
say to me, well, okay, thanks Anita, now that you've helped
me identify the problem. Because you, guys, your strengths are all good
at identifying what the hell is rungwith me, you can say hell,
sorry, guys, got to tameme. So I thing. Okay,
So we are the most connected leastconnected. We've identified the problem. But
(34:43):
what are we going to do?We have to have an actionable item.
And as a therapist, I ama firm believer, and we can explore
it. We can look at ourpast, but what are we going to
do to change it? And sometimeswe can answer why this happens, sometimes
we can, but we need tobe able to change it. The number
one thing you need to do putaway your phone. Put away your phone.
(35:05):
Don't even have it on you nearyou. Put it away because as
soon as I think dings, guesswhat, you're already distracted. I just
did that. I'm pretty much.Oh yeah, thank you, Greg,
I thought you were here present withme. So put it away in a
drawer somewhere, okay, and sitdown with your partner. Tell your partner
how you're feeling. I'm feeling disconnected. Talk about what you're thinking, what
you're feeling. Don't speak for them. We often do that. You do
(35:28):
this and it makes me feel this. Talk about yourself. Use eye language.
I'm feeling disconnected in this relationship.I'm feeling like I could do more
because we always want the other personto do and give to us. Take
it upon yourself. I feel disconnected. I want to be closer as a
couple. I want to be closeras a family. What can I do
differently? Once you've shared that withyour partner, allow them the space and
(35:52):
time to process that information and thenlisten to their side of the story.
Often, when there's one person that'sfeeling like that, guess what, there's
another one feeling very similar. Sorry, God, I was gonna say,
you know, you bring up agood point. You're always saying you make
me feel like this, you youyou, rather than say I feel this,
Because so now I'm starting to understand, Yeah, it's me I should
(36:15):
talk about this is how I feel. Yeah. Biggest mistake people make when
they're having a conversation with somebody,trying to resolve somebody, they right away,
externalize to the other person. Okay, these are communication skills that we've
lost. I outline them in mybook and we will have another show just
dedicated to how to have a healthyconversation with our partners. So getting back
(36:35):
to building some emotional intimacy, havethat conversation in language, with words,
not via texting. Okay, onceyou have an understanding of what the other
one is feeling and thinking, thenwhat do you do with that? Right?
Because that's the next question. II've done that. Now what I'm
going to say, Okay, I'mgoing to give you a prescription, very
easy to apply and very concrete.Let's see what you do with this.
(36:58):
How do you eat? How doyou eat as a family, how do
you eat as a couple? Andthey look at me like, what does
that have to do with anything thatI'm talking about or asking you? It
has a lot to do with it. We have lost our way of basic
things. We engage what I callscattered eating, and we got to get
back to gathered eating. Let mesay that again, n move away from
(37:19):
scattered eating and get to gathered eatingand why and how is that related to
emotional intimacy? When people eat togetherGuess what happens. You talk and you
build connections, and there's micro conversationsgoing on, and you don't have to
be the sole person making the dinner. If that's you get the family involved.
But before you do that, you'regoing to tell your partner, guess
(37:42):
what Anita said. We need toeat together. And before we eat together,
let's examine how we actually eat.And I bet you anything, everybody's
eating in different places, scattered eating. I walk into some household, I
bet my patients, I'm like,what am I going to see when I
walk into your household at dinner time? My son's on the computer having his
thing, my daughter's in her room, my wife is doing one thing,
and I'm eating over here. Getaway from scattered eating. That's scattered.
(38:06):
We've lost the basics, everybody,No, don't. Everybody needs to stop
doing that. We need to getback to gathered eating, the whole ritual
of eating together and even before that, preparing the meal together. And I
did this with my kids as muchas I could help me get the table
ready, cut the vega, dosomething, because within those operational tasks,
(38:27):
guess what's happening emotionally? We arebuilding emotional connections. That's that's fascinating because
when the kids, my kids werelittle, we did sit around. Once
it got busier in this and thiskid out of with this, so everybody
was scattered house yes and no.And people say to me, well,
my kids, you know, I'mlike, who's in charge? Are you
(38:50):
in charge? Are your kids incharge of your household? Guess what happens
in my household. When my kidswere younger, I was in charge.
I set the rules on how wewere going to eat. And if the
rules were screwed up, like manyfamilies today have, it's not too late.
Reset, but your partner's got tobe on board with you. Get
your partner on board and say,okay, we're gonna solve try to solve
this problem of feeling disconnected as acouple but also as a family. You
(39:15):
and I right now are going tomake an agreement with each other. Starting
tomorrow, we are going to eatas a family. But before we even
start that, we're going to havea meeting with our children. We're gonna
say, hey, kids, startingtomorrow, this is what we're gonna do.
And I know, and today isbusy, being busy, not everybody
can be there to do that,but make it a goal to do it
at least twice a week. Makeit a goal to do it once a
(39:35):
week. I'm sure at some pointin the week all the bodies are in
the house, but they're scattered.Get them gathered to the table having this
Sunday night dinner. Yeah, welost that. We don't do that anymore.
We don't do that anymore. ButI bet if you made an effort,
you could do it at least oncea week. That's my challenge to
you, listeners. I want youto think about how your family eats during
(39:59):
the week. Are you a scatteredfamily or are you gonna get to the
table and become gathered family? Engageand participate in gathered eating. It's basic,
it's simple, it's concrete. Butthe consequent the beauty of it,
all, the ripple effects of thatare incredible in terms of our emotional intimacy
(40:20):
with our partner and our family.I am the old fart here. My
wife works twelve hour three twelve hourshift. She's a registered nurse. I
have my goofy hours. We're atthat point right now. So what time
are you gonna eat? We nevereat together, so I'm thinking I should
set that appointment. You said,so she works. She works this week
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.So Wednesday and Friday, you can't Saturday
(40:45):
and Sunday. Absolutely, and shiftyour time, you know, and especially
now you're saying you don't have kidsat home, well shift your time.
Eat at eight o'clock. We don'tneed to be rigid. But the whole
thing is about spending quality time together, building emotional intimacy with your partner,
People in your life that are importantrequires time. It's not that complicated,
(41:05):
but we have complicated a very basicthings because we are busy being busy on
our founds. We are busy beingbusy on social media trying to connect with
somebody when we have the connections infront of us, and we are not
nurturing those connections, and then wewonder why our relationships are falling apart.
Do you see the ripple effects ofjust one simple thing? So identify and
(41:28):
I'm sure people listening can identify withthis where you feel disconnected and you don't
know how to the first thing thatI always say and you're always going to
hear from you, guys, iseverything starts with a verbal conversation, sit
down first have that conversation with yourselfself awareness. Then share your thoughts and
feelings with your partner, because ifyou cannot do that basic thing, nothing
(41:51):
is going to get fixed. I'mlearning something right now. Scattered, no
gathered, yay, and put yourdamn phone theayt You know that right there
is the number one because you seeyou see people sitting around the dinner table
texting, not talking. I've seenthis before, yes, well we see
it in restaurants. It's literally yougo out to a restaurant, you look
(42:15):
around the room. People are notlooking into each other's eyes. They're looking
at their screens. That's fubbing.And anybody who does that to him like,
maybe we should, you know,reschedule our time together because clearly that's
more unless you're a doctor, oryou're on call, somebody's dying, or
you have kids. That's the onlyexception kids, you know, put the
(42:35):
phone away. Where are you engagingwith me? How are we gonna build
emotional intimacy if we can't sit togetherand eat together sharing coffee? Think about
when date? What dating involves?Why go to on a date? What
do we do? We go outto have a meal together, We sit
across from each other. We lookinto each other's eyes and we have conversation.
Why is it that years later wedon't value that anymore. That long
(42:59):
term relationship, when you want tomaintain them and keep them healthy, they
require emotional intimacy to be nurtured ona day to day, week to week
basis a simple thing. Stop scatteredeating and get back to gathered eating.
Simple simple as that. This isjust the first show, just the first
show, and can you believe howfast this went? And I got so
much more to say. Well,we are going to say that in the
(43:21):
next to come. You're gonna haveguests and all coming into the show.
You're gonna have callers. Now,I know there's a lot of listeners out
there going who is this gal?I want to find out more about.
How do we get a hold ofsocial media? Yes, I am on
Instagram. It's ask a Needa Asley. I have an Instagram Live. I
have all kinds of stuff that happensduring the week. I'm also on YouTube
(43:42):
and Twitter, but the most activeis on Instagram. And if you guys
are interested in learning more about theseprescriptions, feel free to buy my book.
It is I can't say the word, unbleep your life and relationships on
Amazon, Simon and Schuster, Target, Walmart, wherever. Just google my
name Anita Ashley and will come across. But I am here to help you
build healthy relationships from the inside out. Fantastic. I can't wait any any
(44:07):
anything for next week and you tellus what we're going to We're gonna talk
about physical intimacy this week, eighto'clock News Talk, eleven thirty W.
I said, great show, it'sbeen a lot of fun. Thank you.
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