July 2, 2024 • 42 mins
Money, money, money…money is an emotional issue and our relationship with money is complicated, complications we bring into our relationships that can be destructive if not resolved or at the minimum examined. Tune in and learn to UNBLEEP your relationship with money from the inside out with host Anita Astley.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
Relationships, whether romantic, platonic familial, are complicated and can be downright MESSI
bringing out the best and worst inall of us. Here's an opportunity for
you to learn effective, concrete strategiesto help you build healthy relationships from the
inside out. It's Unbleep Your Lifeand Relationships with host Anita Aslan, psychotherapist
(00:23):
of overly twenty five years. Heyguys, welcome to another episode of Unbleep
Your Life and Relationships. I'm yourhost, Anita Asley. I am a
psychotherapist of twenty five years and publishedauthor of Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.
You can get that on Simon andSchuster and Amazon. I can also be
found on Instagram at Askanitaasley dot com. Now, on this show, we
(00:47):
talk about all things related to relationshipsand our mental health. And for those
of you who think you're not ina relationship, you are the one that
you have with yourself primarily, andof course the one we have with everybody
outside of that. And I'll tellyou something. We give a lot of
(01:07):
attention to our physical health, butwe often let our mental health suffer.
No no, no, no no. If our mental health is not going
well, we are not going tofunction well overall. And I'll tell you,
if your relationships are not going well, your mental health is going to
suffer. Our mental health depends onthe quality of our relationship. It hinges
(01:30):
on the quality of our relationships.Now, think about it. When you
feel the most distressed in your life, what's causing that? When you feel
the most happy in your life?Hmmm, what's causing that? Because I'll
tell you, most of the timein my office, that's what I'm helping
people unbleep the issues that they havewith somebody else outside of that room.
(01:52):
It's okay, it's healthy, andit's normal. And it's okay and it's
healthy, and it's normal to alsoreach out for health. There's my call
to action. If you're struggling,it's okay to call a therapist and seek
some guidance because I know I hearabout it all the time around me social
settings. And although we get alot of lip service to mental health,
(02:12):
but when it actually comes to doingsomething about it, there's a lot of
shame, guilt, and embarrassment.Would you agree, Greg? Greg is
in studio with me putting this showtogether. What do you think always here?
Well, there's medication for that,I could just take some medication.
Well boutournal help me? Yeah?And no, no, no, no.
First first first line should be callinga therapist unless there is something really
organically going on with you. Andyou know I've said this before, and
(02:36):
if you're a new listener to thisshow, I'm going to say it again.
The highest rate of efficacy with medication, if you happen to be taking
an antidepresson or anti anxiety medication iswhen it's combined with psychotherapy. Now I
know a lot of physicians who dothat really well, but I know a
lot of physicians who are just verygood at giving you a script. So
if you're looking into it, oryou're on something and you're not doing any
(02:59):
kind of talk therapy, maybe it'stime to look into that. This will
lead us into what we're going totalk about today. To all you guys
sitting out there in an armchair playingpsychotherapist, armchair psychotherapy arm quarterback, Oh,
I see what you're saying. Okay, there's a lot of them out
there, you know. And asa therapist, when I'm out socially with
(03:20):
my friends, parties, wherever,people ask me, are you analyzing me?
And I'm like, no, I'mactually not because you're not on the
clock, you're not on my calendar. And I also don't do this while
I'm socializing with my friends. It'sthe double edged sort of being a therapist,
you know. It's kind of like, are you therapizing me? No,
I'm not. But there's a lotof people who are therapizing other people
who really shouldn't be. That's whatI observe, and that's what I see,
(03:43):
And a lot of terms being thrownaround by these armchair therapists, like
I'm going to talk about them today. Want the popular ones? Have you
heard of any of these? Areyou going to guess, well, that's
an extreme one, but I'll tellyou what they are. Narcissist, Oh
okay, all right, that's abig one. He's a narcissist. She's
(04:04):
a narcissist of a narcissistic relationship,narcissistic personality, trauma triggers, gaslighting,
a lot of gaslighting. And wheredid they even come from? Like,
I'm a therapist, and I think, where did this come from? All
we have all these new terms tohave to deal with now, but I
(04:26):
just want to say, when youthrow these words around and you don't really
know what they mean. You're passinga lot of judgment to that other person.
And I get it, like weloosely throw them around. But if
that other person hears it and maybeis struggling with something and internalizes and think,
oh my god, does everybody thinkI'm like this, you are affecting
(04:47):
and impacting somebody. Now, ofcourse, there's a difference between just throwing
them around and actually the clinical definitionof them. So I'm going to share
some of that with you today,and I'm going to give you and I'm
going to particularly focus on narcissism andgaslighting because those two I hear about a
lot in my office but also insocial gatherings. And the term is also
(05:10):
you know, magazine covers, it'sall over the place. But I'll tell
you something, unless you're reading froma credible source, you don't really know
what it means. And I'm gladyou brought this up because you know,
we're going through some firestorms now onsocial media because of politics, and that's
we are the radio station, andI hear a lot of these terms of
gas lighting and narcissists. You know, I'm glad you're going to kind of
(05:35):
explain what these are. Yeah,let's talk about it, because you'll say,
oh, you hear people say I'mso traumatized by that, or you're
such a narcissist. Oh my god, you just know that's my trigger,
or you're gaslighting. I mean,these can be very they are very hurtful
terms, but they also have clinicalsignificance and clinical meaning, and there are
ways to handling that. So I'mnot going to bore you too much with
(05:56):
all of that, but I'm goingto give you some grounding and what they
mean, and I'm hoping that youwill. You know, you're gonna be
less throwing them around at people,because they can be quite hurtful if they're
you know, thrown at you.I've been called a narcissist at times,
and I think, hmmm, becauseof social media. But I'm going to
get into that. People. Well, okay, I'm going to get into
it now. Let's just do it. There's no script here. We're alive,
(06:19):
right. So people have said toyou, oh my god, you're
such a narcissist with all those selfies, and I think it is my page.
I am the face of my brand, and if you might have missed
the memo on social media. Dude, it is all about the person that
the page belongs to. So ifyou don't like that, maybe you need
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to get off of social media.My page is all about me. That's
not a form of narcissism. It'sactually business. So don't because people are
on social media being narcissistic unless youknow them really well, then you know
they suffer from that. Social mediais all about that peron in their brand,
so of course they're going to putit up there. Okay, if
you don't like it, get off. All right, there, that's a
(07:06):
good way to start the show.But let's start with trauma. Now,
what do you think trauma is?What do you generally think of trauma?
Yeah, it's something that happens tosomeone deeply distressing, disturbing experience that overwhelms
an individual's ability to cope, oftenresulting in lasting negative, psychological and having
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emotional impact. It's usually caused bya physical harm if you're an accident,
you've been assaulted, you have aninjury. There's also emotional abuse. Verbal,
emotional and psychological abuse can leave aperson feeling very traumatized, and there
are also natural disasters like earthquakes,hurricanes, floods, if you've been in
an accident of some sort. AndI had this type of trauma when I
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was once in a car accident.Again, it was years and years and
years ago, and it wasn't ahorrific car accident. Nobody died. I
hit somebody in the they turned andI was right behind them, hit them
in the back and the top ofmy hood went up, crack the windshield
and luckily nobody was hurt. ButI'll tell you something, for a couple
of years after that, I hada response to any kind of similar breaking
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that would happen as a passenger ina car. I would hold on to
that door for years and people say, and I remember my partner saying to
me at the time, Hey,we're all right. I just put on
the brakes, But my body andmind were going back to that trauma that
I suffered and I hadn't really processed. So it could be that sometimes something
like that happens to you. Itis traumatic, and we developed a way
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of coping with it, and it'snot always a healthy way unless we're able
to process it or get some helpor get some help therapy. Now we
could also experience trauma by witnessing somebodyelse get injured. People sometimes don't think
of it about that they happened tobe in the vicinity. There is an
assault that happens part of you knowthe banks, You see an accident that's
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traumatizing. And people have come tome and said, hey, I don't
know, you know what's going onwith me? I have all these negative
symptoms and dreams and so forth.And then I investigate with them a little
bit further, and then I foundout although they were not part of the
immediate trauma, they witnessed it.Just observing it being a part of it
can also be very traumatic. Now, another type of trauma is a loss.
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If you suffer the loss somebody suddenlydies or a loved one just dies,
that's traumatic. Sometimes people don't thinkof that as being trauma. It
is. If we don't process griefproperly, it can be very traumatic for
us. So that's trauma. That'swhat trauma really means. It is not
just throwing around saying, oh mygod, you're traumatizing me mom by doing
this. No, you're exaggerating andyou're being a freaking dramas. Stop using
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the term. If you don't reallyget it's causing me trauma. You're not.
I'm not causing you trauma, causingme trauma right now, you're looking
at me funny. Yeah, yourparents cause you trauma, perhaps, but
this is not dramatic. So ifyou're going to use that word, guys,
use it in a meaningful and mindfulway and just just throw it at
people. But if you're just havingsome fun here and there, that's okay,
(10:16):
But don't don't throw it around likeyou're some kind of licensed clinician.
Okay, we're going to continue thisconversation after these messages trauma. If you
don't know what it means, don'tthrow it around. Everyone strives for healthier
relationships. Here's more of Unbleep YourLife and Relationships on News Talk eleven th
wis. Welcome back to Unbleep yourLife and Relationships. I'm your host,
(10:41):
Anita Ashley. We are talking todayabout terms that are just thrown around by
armchair therapists and trying to help youguys minimize some of that, because it's
not fun to have that term thrownat you. But if you're gonna do
it, know what it means andbe very cautious and mindful. We were
just talking about trauma and what realtrauma is from and what it can lead
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to. Definitely lead to symptoms ofanxiety, depression, flashbacks, and emotional
numbness. In some cases, itcan develop into something more severe like PTSD.
Like I shared, I had thatcar accident. My response was PTSD
response where I would actually years laterhold on to the passenger's side thinking that,
(11:24):
oh my god, I'm going tobe an accident. My body and
mind had a visceral response to it. Now, the effects of trauma can
vary widely amongst individuals, depending onthe nature of the event and what we've
done done to kind of work throughthe trauma. The next term we're going
to talk about that people thrown outis trigger. Oh my god, I'm
so triggered. Oh my god,you're triggering me. I see that all
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the time on social media. Ohyou're triggering me. You're triggering me.
I do talk about and I sharea personal experience with a trigger what trigger
means in my book called Unbleep YourLife and Relationships, which can be found
on Amazon and Simon and Schuster.In the preface of my book, now,
I don't want to give it allaway. But I share an experience
that I had while I was writingthe book that triggered something inside of me.
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A traumatic event, had some traumain my childhood? Who didn't Who
doesn't. I share that in thepreface of my book, and how we
can easily be triggered, and whenwe are triggered, what we need to
do. Now, what is atrigger? It's an event that elicits a
very strong emotional and psychological response afterrelated to a past traumatic often related to
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a past traumatic event. Triggers canbe external, such as site, sound,
smells, or specific situations. Justlike I was talking about in the
car accident, it was a sound, the screeching, all those things that
triggered that traumatic response to that event. For me personally, it's also associated
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with certain thoughts or memories or bodilysensation. Now, when a person encounters
a trick, it can cause arange of reactions, including again anxiety,
panic attacks, and flashbacks like thinkabout if you're familiar with the term,
most of us are of PTSD.A war veteran may be triggered by the
sound of fireworks, which could remindthem of explosions experience during combat. Now,
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this is fourth July fourth is comingup, and we all go out
there and celebrate, most of usand want to watch the fireworks, but
for some people it's very traumatic tohear the sounds and to see even the
flashing. You know, they're beautifulto us, but for people who've been
in war, not so beautiful.It's important then to identify and understand triggers
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so we can manage them and treatget the proper help that we need.
We can go for some therapy,we can seek support and support groups because
they are important to deal with,So don't throw that term around. Trigger
means that something inside of you hasbeen pushed or pressed that's related to We
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just talked about a traumatic event,perhaps in your childhood, a traumatic episode
that gets triggered. And again,read the preface of my book and you
will learn more about my own triggerand how it was pressed during writing the
book. And but I responded toit in a healthy manner because I've had
a lot of therapy. It's kindof it's unbleeped. It's funny that you
(14:22):
brought it up because I had atriggered with the dogs I was little.
I don't remember how old I waswhen I was I was attacked by a
German shepherd was always and it's justthat breed y German shepherds, although we've
had dogs all our lives. Yeah, but it's the German shepherds that scare
me. Yeah still today. Andhow do you manage yourself when you see
a German shepherd walk the other way? You walk the other way if they're
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walking down this day, I don'twant to mess with that German. Yeah,
you need to make well. No, it's a it's a response,
it's a coping mechanism that you haveto protect yourself. But the kind of
therapy we do with you, Gregis exposure therapy. So slowly expose you
to that breed of dogs and hopefullyover time we would make you more comfortable.
Anyway, we're not going to getinto therapizing you. We're gonna move
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on to the next term it is, which is narcissism. I want to
spend some more time on narcisism.People think they know what they it means.
Maybe they do on a very superfessionalbut it troubles me when I hear
every people talking about my partner isnarcissistic. You're so narcissistic social media is
also everybody's narcissistic on social media,as I shared or no, not quite.
(15:28):
What do you think narcissism is whenyou hear it demanding in control?
Well, okay, I just wantto say, first of all, we
are all It's okay, I'm hereto help. That's why I'm here.
We are all, to a certaindegree narcissistic. It is all about an
I do. Oh yeah, it'sall about the self, and as as
(15:52):
children, as babies, it isall about the self. That we love
our We should love ourselves to somedegree. But some people love themselves more
than others. So I'm just gonnasay we are all narcissistic to some degree.
But the narcissism is a clinical term. It is a personality trait character
characterized by an inflated sense of selfimportance, deep need for admiration, and
(16:18):
a lack of empathy for others.Extreme forms can manifest itself in a narcissistic
personality disorder. But let me justsay there is a cluster of symptoms that
have to be in place for asignificant amount of time for a person to
be diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder. It is not just somebody who's posting
selfees on their Instagram page. Thatdoesn't qualify them to be a narcissist because
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again, as I said before,social media is usually about the person and
their page. Okay, there's alot more to a narcissist or brand,
yeah, than just that. Itis a clinical condition where these traits are
pervasive and significantly impact a person's functioningand relationships. Now, of course,
individuals with NPD as we call it, may exhibit symptoms of grandiosity. What
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does that mean. This means like, oh, I'm so grand I'm the
greatest. To the extreme, thereis a sense of entitlement. Their behaviors
are generally manipulative, and there's astrong desire for power and success. Now
what I've just shared these things withyou, and listen, it's not some
of the time. It would bethat your partner or you know, somebody
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that you know is like this mostof the time, because of course we
have some of these traits sometimes.But again, as I have said before,
it is when these traits are theremost of the time and they start
to interfere with your emotional, social, vocational, sexual, and relational functioning.
Now, how does this impact relationshipswhen you are in a relationship where
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your partner is a narcissist, Well, isn't it? You know, you're
always looking down if you if anarcissist would look down at your Yeah,
they look down on the other onthe on their part of the other person.
Yeah, they are beneath them.There's a lack Generally, there's a
lack of empathy. Narcissists often struggleto understand, uh or care about partners
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feelings and needs, leading to aone sided relationship. It is all about
me. And again, guys,this is most of the time, not
some of the time, because someof the time in a relationship it is
about me and some of the timeit's about you. Another trait is that
they're they're very manipulative and controlling.They may use manipulative manipulative tactics as a
ways to maintain control and power overtheir partner. Now that's on the outside,
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but generally a narcissists deep inside isa very insecure person. That's why
they have to overcompensate and do actlike that and behave like that with you.
Another trade, like we just talkedabout, is grandiosity and a sense
of entitlement. A narcissists sense ofsuperiority. Entitlement can result in demanding behavior
and expectations that their needs come first. It is all about me, and
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they forget that they're in a relationshipwith somebody else. If this is sounding
familiar to you, that person isprobably a narcissist. There's also lack of
accountability. Often they refuse to takeresponsibility for their actions, blaming other people
for their issues, like I haveno role in this conflict, it was
not my fault, externalizing everything tothe other person, and no sense of
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responsibility. They can often also engagein emotional abuse. I've heard this from
my patients all the time. He'sa narcissist, and then I listen to
some of the things that are goingon, like, yeah, that's definitely
a narcissist. Their behavior can leadto emotional abuse, causing their partner to
feel unvalidated, belittle like you werejust saying, and emotionally drained like they
are not important in their relationship.These dynamics can lead to a toxic and
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unhealthy relationship, causing significant emotional harmto the partner of the narcissist. It
is common thing that I see inmy office. But guys, again,
do not throw this word around justbecause you think the other person is sometimes
focusing on themselves. Now, I'mgonna give you some tips if you are
in a relationship with the narcissist.Coming near the end of the show,
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but again we're gonna take a littlebreak over here, but we'll be right
back to talk more about narcisism andalso gaslighting. What is gaslighting and what
are we gonna do with it?Anita Ashley has more advice on how to
on Bleep Your Life and Relationships onnews Talk eleven thirty wys Welcome back to
(20:38):
n Bleep Your Life and Relationships.I'm your host, Anita Astley, psychotherapists
of twenty five years and plus andauthor of Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.
You can find that on Amazon andSimon and Schuster and other websites. We
are talking about some language, someclinical terms that people just kind of throw
around without really knowing what they mean. We just talked about narcissism and now
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we're gonna I'm gonna give you sometips on how to deal with a narcissistic
partner if truly they are narcissistic.But again, if you're not a therapist,
you should not be making that diagnosis. But anyway, it's trying to
help you to understand and identify andmaybe get some more help if truly that's
the case. Gaslighting? What isgaslighting? Another term that is kind of
(21:21):
new. It is new. I'mlike, where does these where do these
terms come from? And there isthe overlap between somebody who's a gas lighter
and somebody who is a narcissist.All right, so let's get into a
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulationin which a person again makes the other
partner question their reality, their memory, or their perceptions of a situation,
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where the other person starts thinking,wait a minute, did that really happen?
Am I just so delusional that whatmy partner sayings is actually true and
what I believe is not true.It's often involves denying or the story in
facts, lying and creating confusion,leading to your partner doubting their reality,
(22:06):
their sense of sanity, and oftenjudgment like I don't even know what's good
or bad anymore. Have you heardthis term being used often? Gaslighting?
Yeah? Absolutely. I was goingto just say on the politics side,
because that's where I'm at. Yeah, you hear that all the time.
You know, they keep telling usthe economy is doing great when it's not.
Yeah, and that's but is thatthe right term for that? Well,
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that's also called lying. Okay,that's also good. Well, politics
a lot of games go on.We want to get it. We should
have a whole another show on themental impact of watching the debate. Maybe
that should be next week. Butthere is a lot of gaslighting in politics,
trying to get control. The tacticis used to gain power and control.
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So you're correct. It's gaining powerand control over someone and making them
believe that what they actually have experienceis not true. So, yeah,
you're right. If you watch adebate, you're thinking like, oh my
god, what is going on overhere? There are so many different realities
and gaslighting each other. It's makingthem dependent on the manipulation for their sense
of reality. Gaslighting can occur invarious relationships, including professional personal. Gaslighting
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can occur in various relationships including personal, professional, and social context, and
it often results in significant emotional andpsychological harm to the person who is a
target of gaslighting. Now, howdoes it impact relationships, Well, obviously
in a very negative way, justlike the narcissistic personality. One of the
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things that it does is erodes theother person's self confidence. Now, if
I start if I'm gaslighting you allthe time, eventually you're gonna end up
feeling and thinking like, oh mygod, nothing I say is actually a
value, It's not true. What'swrong with me? It makes you question
your sense of sanity, your perceptionsand judgments, leading to this decree self
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esteem and self worth. I reallydon't know what I'm talking about. My
partner must be right. We hearthat all the time in gaslighting situations.
The other thing it does, it'sthe dependence on the manipulation. As a
person becomes more uncertain of their reality. Like I just said, maybe I
don't know what I'm talking about,they may increasingly rely on the manipulation for
validation and guidance. Like I don'ttrust myself anymore. I'm gonna start trusting
(24:23):
you more because of all the gaslightingthat's gone on. Now I'm not aware
of that. Hopefully I become awareof that. Over time, I lose
my sense of self and also Istart questioning everything that I'm feeling, everything
that I'm thinking, which again leadsto me not feeling confidence in myself and
in my identity. It causes alot of emotional distress. I hear this
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all the time in my office.This constant manipulation and validation can cause significant
stress and anxiety and emotional turmoil,leading to a very toxic relationship. It
also leads if I'm the person feelingthat, it also leads me to feel
isolated, like, who can Igo to my friends, my family,
Murby They're going to think that I'mcrazy too, because what I'm thinking and
(25:07):
feeling is not really real. Soit's going to isolate me in even more
because my partner's control over me willhelp me to lose some of the confidence
that I have in myself. Soare you just trusting someone as somebody in
the family to rely on. Well, you're hoping that eventually, over time
somebody will point out this dynamic ifthey're observing it in your relationship or I'm
(25:32):
hoping over time, something inside ofthe person who's being who is a target
of being gaslighted, will come toa sense of wait a minute, it
can't be everything that I'm doing isgoing is wrong. There must be something
that I'm doing right, but thisperson is constantly putting me down. And
today there's so much in media,social media, on the news and a
(25:52):
written print that we can read aboutgaslight and inform ourselves in terms of wait
a minute, is this something thatI'm experience and going through in my relationship?
Creates a lot of trust issues.Also, partner may struggle to trust
others and again themselves, leading tolong term difficulties in forming healthy relationships with
even just outside of that relationship withyour family members, significant others, or
(26:15):
even at the workplace. So gaslightingoverall creates a toxic dynamic where the person
receiving the gaslighting feels trapped, confused, powerless, and severely affected overall with
their mental health and mental well being. I think we saw that in the
debate last night. I don't know, I watched it, and I watched
(26:37):
the the talking about it afterwards,the processing of it. I'm like,
oh my god, there's so muchgaslighting going on. It just so it
just doesn't happen in personal relationships.It happens in politics all the time.
And we've been watching this gas lightingshow for years, right, and you
were just talking about politics of it. Now. I had a question from
one of my fathers saying, Anita, help, I think my partner is
(27:03):
narcissistic and I don't know what todo with this. Now. Again,
as I said before, if thisis something that you're just coming up with
yourself, maybe you need to goto a therapist together and find out what
the problems really are. But I'lltell you something, if you're dealing with
a narcissistic personality, helping somebody who'sa narcissist can be challenging, but it's
important to approach the situation with somecompassion and also some care and some realistic
(27:30):
expectations. You're not just going togo to your partner. This definitely is
not the right way. Hey,you're a narcissist and you need help,
That's not the way to do itbecause they are definitely going to be defensive.
Somebody said that to me, myback would be up against the wall.
I'm like, what are you atherapist? All of a sudden,
you're gonna diagnose me? So again, that's not going to be received.
Well, if that's the way you'regoing to approach it, here are some
(27:52):
strategies to deal with answering this question. To deal with somebody who you might
suspect a narcissist. Do we havea few minutes or do we need to
go to break encourage therapy. LikeI said before, seek professional help.
Maybe do the research and help themout. Provide them with a list or
something. Say hey, you know, I'm a little bit concerned that these
might be some of the challenges,and I would like to help you.
(28:17):
That's very different to your narcissists.You need help. I would like to
help you. The other thing youdefinitely need to do with somebody who is
a narcissist, and even a gaslighter is set. Some boundaries clearly define
what behavior is acceptable and what isnot. I've talked about boundaries also.
I talk about boundaries all the timein the show because they're so important.
(28:37):
They basically are rules of engagement.We all have to have emotional and physical
boundaries, especially with a narcissist,because a narcissist would cross all physical and
well hopefully not all physical, butall emotional boundaries with you. And by
physical I mean invading your privacy.It's not just a sense of you know,
violating your physical self, touching youor pushing you. They will violate
(29:00):
your sense of privacy. Consistent boundariesare really important in managing some of the
impact that narcissistic behavior can have ona relationship. The other thing you need
to do is communicate effectively. LikeI said, I've said before, meaning
use eye statements to express your feelingsand needs without blaming. For example,
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I feel hurt when you dismiss myconcerns because the narcissist will often just tell
you, Oh, that doesn't matter, you don't know what you're talking about.
I have the truth and I havethe reality, and that impos that
onto you use eye language because thatwill put them in a less defensive situation.
Now, anytime we speak to somebody, and I've talked about this before,
is we should use statements, butparticularly if you're dealing with the narcissistic
(29:47):
personality, you need to use eyestatements. It's much more effective. Accusatory
language doesn't work. It doesn't createthe response that you're looking for, It
doesn't invite somebody into a dialogue.It creates a very defense attack, a
dynamic which we don't want. Theother thing you need to do is you
need to practice some self care,take care of yourself. If that person
(30:08):
is not willing to go for sometherapy, then go for some therapy yourself,
because then you can learn to workwith that narcissistic personality. And again,
if you want the relationship to work, there's got to be a mutual
desire. So you know, whenI work with somebody like that and they
say, you know, I'm nota therapist, but I think my partner
is a narcissistic and they'll describe someof the traits and I'll say, okay,
(30:32):
I can't diagnose them, haven't methim yet. But then eventually get
him into the office and this guy, So there's got to be a mutual
desire to make the relationship work.But if there isn't that mutual desire to
make the relationship work, it's notgonna work anyway, whether you're with a
narcissist or not. But if you'redealing with somebody like that, get some
help also for yourself so you're betterprepared to deal with that personality. And
(30:56):
if you really want to make therelationship work, because they might be a
narcissis, but they miss it,might still love you and you might still
love them, and you might wantto make the relationship work, it does
happen. Guys, just because you'redealing with a difficult relationship, it doesn't
mean that the relationship is not goingto work. We're going to take a
little short break here. We willbe back and continue our conversation and I'm
going to show some tips on howto help your partner who might be a
(31:19):
narcissist. Back to Unbleep Your Lifeand Relationships on news Talk eleven thirty WYSA.
Hey, guys, welcome back toUnbleep Your Life and Relationships. I'm
your host, Anita Astley, psychotherapistof twenty five years and plus an author
of Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.Today we're talking about some terms that are
(31:41):
just kind of thrown around without actuallyhaving some understanding of them, and they
can be hurtful. And we justtalked about narcissism. We just talked about
gaslighting, and I was giving youguys some tips on how to deal with
the situation in terms of gaslighting.I just talked about self care and the
other thing we need to do iseducate ourselves. Educate if you're dealing with
(32:01):
a narcissistic personality or a gas lighter, learn about what these terms actually mean.
So you can learn some healthy coopingmechanisms. Educate yourself and educate the
other person in a compassionate manner,not in an instructive manner, again using
eye language. The other thing todo is avoid enabling. And I know
(32:23):
this is really hard because you mightbe stuck and possibly you are in this
dynamic of enabling the other person todo what they're doing and keeping that dynamic
alive. Like I've said, astoxic as it can be. We all
have a role in the dramas thatwe do help, We help create them,
and they're part of our lives.It's owning our role and then doing
(32:45):
something about it. Do not reinforcetheir narcissistic behavior by always giving in to
their demands or seeking to constantly pleasethem, because that is exactly what a
narcissist and a gas lighter wants todo. Again, seek support, whether
it's from your family, a supportgroup, a therapist. No shame in
going to a therapist. Guys.You know, I want to reiterate on
(33:07):
this show many times, and Itry to that we need to take care
of our mental health. We focuson taking care of our physical health,
but we really also need to takecare of our mental health, because I'll
tell you something, if that's suffering, everything else in our in our lives
will suffer. And our relationships,you know, if they're suffering, we're
(33:28):
just going to suffer. So ourmental health hinges on the quality of our
relationships. So part of my bigdeal in this show is to help people
become comfortable with being uncomfortable, andI know therapy does that to people.
Okay, let's get into talking abouthow to help a gaslighter or if you're
not a relationship with a gas lighter. There's some overlapping with a narcissist and
(33:49):
a gas lighter, but they aresomewhat different. Helping someone who engages in
gaslighting behavior can be complex and requiresa careful and compassionate and structure approach.
Again, it's about using your compassionand not attacking the other person because although
I think, okay, gas lighters, you've got some stuff, they are
also very injured people. Their egois very fragile. They come across very
(34:13):
differently, but I try to alsolook at them with compassion. So if
you're in a relationship and you wantto help and you want the relationship to
possibly work, give it a chance, you got to approach it with compassion,
encourage self reflection. If I'm ina relationship with you and you're gaslighting
me, I'm thinking, Okay,I want this to work. I'm going
to try to help you to reflecton what's going on. Try to help
(34:35):
them understand the impact of their behaviorby encouraging them to reflect on their actions
and how these actions affect you.This might involve compassionate always involves compassionate conversation
about specific instances where gaslighting has occurred. Give me an example, because sometimes
you know, we're in this situationand the person so, well, I
(34:55):
don't know what you're talking about.When do I, because that's going to
be a defense the reaction, whendo I ever gaslight? I don't remember
doing that. Give them a specificexample, and then unpack that in a
very compassionate way, not in anattacking way. And that is it really
requires you to be patient to sitthere with somebody who's basically told you you
(35:15):
don't know what you're talking about.Meg are you are you putting the papers
in the recycled bent Yeah, yeah, sure I am. That's kind of
a week, it's kind of aweekly. But I'm telling you if that's
the extentive gaslighting, you're not thatthat's not gaslighting. Yeah, that's a
(35:36):
whole nother problem. Promote therapy,you know, encourage them and say,
you know, I'll go to therapywith you. Sometimes, you know,
I've had people come in where thepartners kind of brings them along and then
the partner is no longer part ofthe process. But they just needed that's
the other The gaslighter or the narcissistjust needed support. Maybe the gaslighter didn't
know he was gaslighting. Yeah,sometimes you're not aware of it, that
(35:59):
you were so inside so much.Because I'll tell you something, when people
are behaving in that manner, whenthey're exhibiting narcissistic and gaslighting and behavior,
they are actually suffering inside. Youknow. I tend to think about,
Wow, who hurts you so much? Who made you feel so little that
you've got to put this on me? Educate yourself. There's resources available online.
(36:21):
Again, like I said before,go to a credible website on Google.
Not everything is credible, you know, so don't just read everything and
take it for that. That's thetruth. It's not always. There's a
lot of good websites out there.Psychological associations, The American Association of Marriage
and Family Therapy has a lot ofliterature out there on these types of toxic
(36:42):
relationships. The other thing that Ialso shared previously is set very clear boundaries.
Establish and communicate clear boundaries regarding what'sacceptable what's not acceptable. Let them
know that manipulative behavior is not acceptableanymore, and then you're not going to
tolerate it. And you know,it's not only set those boundaries, but
it's when those boundaries are being pushedby the gas lighter, by the narcissists.
(37:06):
You need to keep them in placebecause they are so used to you
just acquiescing. They're so used toyou just saying, okay, whatever,
this is too exhausting, I'm justgonna let you have your way. But
that, again is an enabling reactionfrom you. You need to stop that
model healthy communication. Now, ofcourse I think we should do that in
all situations, but again, anarcissistic personality in somebody who's a gas lighter,
(37:30):
we need to do this, eventake a step further to do this,
because they will take every opportunity andevery chance to try to prove you
wrong. And if you attack them, they're gonna feel very defensive and react
in that manner. Like I saidbefore, using eye language, demonstrate effective
(37:51):
respectful communication so they can actually watchit, experience it, and hopefully do
it themselves. It's an empathic conversation, you know, when you're when you're
going to talk to somebody and youwant the relationship to work, and it's
a very sensitive issue because you're basicallygoing to tell them that you don't like
their approach and their approach hurts you. That's very delicate, you know,
if you want to be gentle,but at the same time you want to
(38:15):
have some firm takeaways for them thatthey can think about and reflect upon.
So there's a fine balance being assertive, compassionate and being caring, but also
being able to set the expectations thatyou have of them. Moving forward,
we can again, we can't undothe past, but moving forward we can
(38:37):
make differences, and using the pastas examples of what is no longer acceptable
is much more healthy way of approachingit rather than using the past as a
weapon. Stop using these terms.That's basically what you're said, unless you
know what they mean and the therapisthas you know, diagnosed it, or
if you've read, you know,come across it on a credible website.
(38:59):
Again, don't say to your partneryou're a narcissistic person and you need help,
or you're a gas lighter and youneed help. That's definitely not the
way to do it. If somebodytold me that, I wouldn't be very
open to that diagnosis. First Isay, can I see your license first?
Which state are you practicing? Andanother thing to do is hold them
accountable when glass lighting and gas lightingexcuse me occurs, point it out like
(39:22):
I just said before, and tellthem how it makes you feel, tell
them how it makes you think.The other thing you can do is support
their growth and change. It isso easy for us when we're in a
relationship to talk about all the thingsthat are not going well, all the
things that are wrong, but difficultwhen to point out when things are actually
(39:44):
going well. So acknowledge and recognizeand celebrate progress and change when you see
something positive happening that they would nothave done in the past. They might
have resorted to a gas lighting behaviorin the past. But since some therapies,
some open communication, effective communication,there's progress that's being made. Share
(40:05):
it with them, right We haveto share good things, guys, not
just the bad stuff. People sayin therapy When I point out, go
Anita, aren't we here just totalk about the bad? I'm like,
No, I can say to you, hey, congratulations, you're making progress,
you're doing good. Lastly, butnot least, protect yourself. Oh
okay, protect yourself and sure thatyour own mental health is well before you
(40:30):
can protect the other person's mental healthor preserve it or help them to keep
it well. Again, guys,we have to be strong in ourselves before
we can attempt to help another person. So protect your mental health, protect
your physical health, of course,and then you can lean in and help
somebody else out. Remember, weall need support, we all need encouragement,
(40:52):
and if you're willing to make therelationship work, we need to communicate
with each other in a compassionate,discerning way, not attacking the other person.
And remember, if you're dealing withsomebody who has a narcissistic personality,
if you're dealing with a gaslighter,that person is suffering. That's why they're
behaving that way. And if youlove them and you want the relationship to
(41:15):
work, approach it in that manner. And if you don't then walk away.
It's time to leave. But pointingthe finger and just being stuck in
that attack defense mode with somebody likethat is not going to work. So
make a decision. Do you wantto stay in the relationship or you want
to get out of the relationship.But if you want to stay, just
you know, listen to this again. It's going to be on the platform
(41:37):
I believe ran on. Yeah,and take some notes and practice some of
those things that I've just shared withyou. Thank you so much for joining
me tonight. Guys. We willbe back next week and I'm going to
help you and bleep your life inrelationships always something new to talk about,
because relationships are always so interesting,so complicated, but they you know,
(41:59):
they do bring up the best ofthings, sometimes not the best of Check
out your Instagram page you can.It's asking you to Aslee on Instagram.
It is the plot social media platformthat I'm most active on. And remember,
guys, do not throw these termsaround loosely. And I'll tell you
something. If your friends are onsocial media and they're posting selfies, that's
(42:21):
not called narcissism. Social media isall about that person and taking selfies is
all about that, so it's nota clinical diagnosis. Otherwise we all be
diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Okay, guys, that's all the time we
have. Take care, so younext week.
Relationships, whether romantic, platonic familial, are complicated and can be downright MESSI
bringing out the best and worst inall of us. Here's an opportunity for
you to learn effective, concrete strategiesto help you build healthy relationships from the
inside out. It's Unbleep Your Lifeand Relationships with host Anita Aslan, psychotherapist
(00:23):
of overly twenty five years. Heyguys, welcome to another episode of Unbleep
Your Life and Relationships. I'm yourhost, Anita Asley. I am a
psychotherapist of twenty five years and publishedauthor of Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.
You can get that on Simon andSchuster and Amazon. I can also be
found on Instagram at Askanitaasley dot com. Now, on this show, we
(00:47):
talk about all things related to relationshipsand our mental health. And for those
of you who think you're not ina relationship, you are the one that
you have with yourself primarily, andof course the one we have with everybody
outside of that. And I'll tellyou something. We give a lot of
(01:07):
attention to our physical health, butwe often let our mental health suffer.
No no, no, no no. If our mental health is not going
well, we are not going tofunction well overall. And I'll tell you,
if your relationships are not going well, your mental health is going to
suffer. Our mental health depends onthe quality of our relationship. It hinges
(01:30):
on the quality of our relationships.Now, think about it. When you
feel the most distressed in your life, what's causing that? When you feel
the most happy in your life?Hmmm, what's causing that? Because I'll
tell you, most of the timein my office, that's what I'm helping
people unbleep the issues that they havewith somebody else outside of that room.
(01:52):
It's okay, it's healthy, andit's normal. And it's okay and it's
healthy, and it's normal to alsoreach out for health. There's my call
to action. If you're struggling,it's okay to call a therapist and seek
some guidance because I know I hearabout it all the time around me social
settings. And although we get alot of lip service to mental health,
(02:12):
but when it actually comes to doingsomething about it, there's a lot of
shame, guilt, and embarrassment.Would you agree, Greg? Greg is
in studio with me putting this showtogether. What do you think always here?
Well, there's medication for that,I could just take some medication.
Well boutournal help me? Yeah?And no, no, no, no.
First first first line should be callinga therapist unless there is something really
organically going on with you. Andyou know I've said this before, and
(02:36):
if you're a new listener to thisshow, I'm going to say it again.
The highest rate of efficacy with medication, if you happen to be taking
an antidepresson or anti anxiety medication iswhen it's combined with psychotherapy. Now I
know a lot of physicians who dothat really well, but I know a
lot of physicians who are just verygood at giving you a script. So
if you're looking into it, oryou're on something and you're not doing any
(02:59):
kind of talk therapy, maybe it'stime to look into that. This will
lead us into what we're going totalk about today. To all you guys
sitting out there in an armchair playingpsychotherapist, armchair psychotherapy arm quarterback, Oh,
I see what you're saying. Okay, there's a lot of them out
there, you know. And asa therapist, when I'm out socially with
(03:20):
my friends, parties, wherever,people ask me, are you analyzing me?
And I'm like, no, I'mactually not because you're not on the
clock, you're not on my calendar. And I also don't do this while
I'm socializing with my friends. It'sthe double edged sort of being a therapist,
you know. It's kind of like, are you therapizing me? No,
I'm not. But there's a lotof people who are therapizing other people
who really shouldn't be. That's whatI observe, and that's what I see,
(03:43):
And a lot of terms being thrownaround by these armchair therapists, like
I'm going to talk about them today. Want the popular ones? Have you
heard of any of these? Areyou going to guess, well, that's
an extreme one, but I'll tellyou what they are. Narcissist, Oh
okay, all right, that's abig one. He's a narcissist. She's
(04:04):
a narcissist of a narcissistic relationship,narcissistic personality, trauma triggers, gaslighting,
a lot of gaslighting. And wheredid they even come from? Like,
I'm a therapist, and I think, where did this come from? All
we have all these new terms tohave to deal with now, but I
(04:26):
just want to say, when youthrow these words around and you don't really
know what they mean. You're passinga lot of judgment to that other person.
And I get it, like weloosely throw them around. But if
that other person hears it and maybeis struggling with something and internalizes and think,
oh my god, does everybody thinkI'm like this, you are affecting
(04:47):
and impacting somebody. Now, ofcourse, there's a difference between just throwing
them around and actually the clinical definitionof them. So I'm going to share
some of that with you today,and I'm going to give you and I'm
going to particularly focus on narcissism andgaslighting because those two I hear about a
lot in my office but also insocial gatherings. And the term is also
(05:10):
you know, magazine covers, it'sall over the place. But I'll tell
you something, unless you're reading froma credible source, you don't really know
what it means. And I'm gladyou brought this up because you know,
we're going through some firestorms now onsocial media because of politics, and that's
we are the radio station, andI hear a lot of these terms of
gas lighting and narcissists. You know, I'm glad you're going to kind of
(05:35):
explain what these are. Yeah,let's talk about it, because you'll say,
oh, you hear people say I'mso traumatized by that, or you're
such a narcissist. Oh my god, you just know that's my trigger,
or you're gaslighting. I mean,these can be very they are very hurtful
terms, but they also have clinicalsignificance and clinical meaning, and there are
ways to handling that. So I'mnot going to bore you too much with
(05:56):
all of that, but I'm goingto give you some grounding and what they
mean, and I'm hoping that youwill. You know, you're gonna be
less throwing them around at people,because they can be quite hurtful if they're
you know, thrown at you.I've been called a narcissist at times,
and I think, hmmm, becauseof social media. But I'm going to
get into that. People. Well, okay, I'm going to get into
it now. Let's just do it. There's no script here. We're alive,
(06:19):
right. So people have said toyou, oh my god, you're
such a narcissist with all those selfies, and I think it is my page.
I am the face of my brand, and if you might have missed
the memo on social media. Dude, it is all about the person that
the page belongs to. So ifyou don't like that, maybe you need
(06:42):
to get off of social media.My page is all about me. That's
not a form of narcissism. It'sactually business. So don't because people are
on social media being narcissistic unless youknow them really well, then you know
they suffer from that. Social mediais all about that peron in their brand,
so of course they're going to putit up there. Okay, if
you don't like it, get off. All right, there, that's a
(07:06):
good way to start the show.But let's start with trauma. Now,
what do you think trauma is?What do you generally think of trauma?
Yeah, it's something that happens tosomeone deeply distressing, disturbing experience that overwhelms
an individual's ability to cope, oftenresulting in lasting negative, psychological and having
(07:29):
emotional impact. It's usually caused bya physical harm if you're an accident,
you've been assaulted, you have aninjury. There's also emotional abuse. Verbal,
emotional and psychological abuse can leave aperson feeling very traumatized, and there
are also natural disasters like earthquakes,hurricanes, floods, if you've been in
an accident of some sort. AndI had this type of trauma when I
(07:53):
was once in a car accident.Again, it was years and years and
years ago, and it wasn't ahorrific car accident. Nobody died. I
hit somebody in the they turned andI was right behind them, hit them
in the back and the top ofmy hood went up, crack the windshield
and luckily nobody was hurt. ButI'll tell you something, for a couple
of years after that, I hada response to any kind of similar breaking
(08:18):
that would happen as a passenger ina car. I would hold on to
that door for years and people say, and I remember my partner saying to
me at the time, Hey,we're all right. I just put on
the brakes, But my body andmind were going back to that trauma that
I suffered and I hadn't really processed. So it could be that sometimes something
like that happens to you. Itis traumatic, and we developed a way
(08:41):
of coping with it, and it'snot always a healthy way unless we're able
to process it or get some helpor get some help therapy. Now we
could also experience trauma by witnessing somebodyelse get injured. People sometimes don't think
of it about that they happened tobe in the vicinity. There is an
assault that happens part of you knowthe banks, You see an accident that's
(09:03):
traumatizing. And people have come tome and said, hey, I don't
know, you know what's going onwith me? I have all these negative
symptoms and dreams and so forth.And then I investigate with them a little
bit further, and then I foundout although they were not part of the
immediate trauma, they witnessed it.Just observing it being a part of it
can also be very traumatic. Now, another type of trauma is a loss.
(09:26):
If you suffer the loss somebody suddenlydies or a loved one just dies,
that's traumatic. Sometimes people don't thinkof that as being trauma. It
is. If we don't process griefproperly, it can be very traumatic for
us. So that's trauma. That'swhat trauma really means. It is not
just throwing around saying, oh mygod, you're traumatizing me mom by doing
this. No, you're exaggerating andyou're being a freaking dramas. Stop using
(09:52):
the term. If you don't reallyget it's causing me trauma. You're not.
I'm not causing you trauma, causingme trauma right now, you're looking
at me funny. Yeah, yourparents cause you trauma, perhaps, but
this is not dramatic. So ifyou're going to use that word, guys,
use it in a meaningful and mindfulway and just just throw it at
people. But if you're just havingsome fun here and there, that's okay,
(10:16):
But don't don't throw it around likeyou're some kind of licensed clinician.
Okay, we're going to continue thisconversation after these messages trauma. If you
don't know what it means, don'tthrow it around. Everyone strives for healthier
relationships. Here's more of Unbleep YourLife and Relationships on News Talk eleven th
wis. Welcome back to Unbleep yourLife and Relationships. I'm your host,
(10:41):
Anita Ashley. We are talking todayabout terms that are just thrown around by
armchair therapists and trying to help youguys minimize some of that, because it's
not fun to have that term thrownat you. But if you're gonna do
it, know what it means andbe very cautious and mindful. We were
just talking about trauma and what realtrauma is from and what it can lead
(11:03):
to. Definitely lead to symptoms ofanxiety, depression, flashbacks, and emotional
numbness. In some cases, itcan develop into something more severe like PTSD.
Like I shared, I had thatcar accident. My response was PTSD
response where I would actually years laterhold on to the passenger's side thinking that,
(11:24):
oh my god, I'm going tobe an accident. My body and
mind had a visceral response to it. Now, the effects of trauma can
vary widely amongst individuals, depending onthe nature of the event and what we've
done done to kind of work throughthe trauma. The next term we're going
to talk about that people thrown outis trigger. Oh my god, I'm
so triggered. Oh my god,you're triggering me. I see that all
(11:45):
the time on social media. Ohyou're triggering me. You're triggering me.
I do talk about and I sharea personal experience with a trigger what trigger
means in my book called Unbleep YourLife and Relationships, which can be found
on Amazon and Simon and Schuster.In the preface of my book, now,
I don't want to give it allaway. But I share an experience
that I had while I was writingthe book that triggered something inside of me.
(12:09):
A traumatic event, had some traumain my childhood? Who didn't Who
doesn't. I share that in thepreface of my book, and how we
can easily be triggered, and whenwe are triggered, what we need to
do. Now, what is atrigger? It's an event that elicits a
very strong emotional and psychological response afterrelated to a past traumatic often related to
(12:33):
a past traumatic event. Triggers canbe external, such as site, sound,
smells, or specific situations. Justlike I was talking about in the
car accident, it was a sound, the screeching, all those things that
triggered that traumatic response to that event. For me personally, it's also associated
(12:54):
with certain thoughts or memories or bodilysensation. Now, when a person encounters
a trick, it can cause arange of reactions, including again anxiety,
panic attacks, and flashbacks like thinkabout if you're familiar with the term,
most of us are of PTSD.A war veteran may be triggered by the
sound of fireworks, which could remindthem of explosions experience during combat. Now,
(13:20):
this is fourth July fourth is comingup, and we all go out
there and celebrate, most of usand want to watch the fireworks, but
for some people it's very traumatic tohear the sounds and to see even the
flashing. You know, they're beautifulto us, but for people who've been
in war, not so beautiful.It's important then to identify and understand triggers
(13:41):
so we can manage them and treatget the proper help that we need.
We can go for some therapy,we can seek support and support groups because
they are important to deal with,So don't throw that term around. Trigger
means that something inside of you hasbeen pushed or pressed that's related to We
(14:01):
just talked about a traumatic event,perhaps in your childhood, a traumatic episode
that gets triggered. And again,read the preface of my book and you
will learn more about my own triggerand how it was pressed during writing the
book. And but I responded toit in a healthy manner because I've had
a lot of therapy. It's kindof it's unbleeped. It's funny that you
(14:22):
brought it up because I had atriggered with the dogs I was little.
I don't remember how old I waswhen I was I was attacked by a
German shepherd was always and it's justthat breed y German shepherds, although we've
had dogs all our lives. Yeah, but it's the German shepherds that scare
me. Yeah still today. Andhow do you manage yourself when you see
a German shepherd walk the other way? You walk the other way if they're
(14:43):
walking down this day, I don'twant to mess with that German. Yeah,
you need to make well. No, it's a it's a response,
it's a coping mechanism that you haveto protect yourself. But the kind of
therapy we do with you, Gregis exposure therapy. So slowly expose you
to that breed of dogs and hopefullyover time we would make you more comfortable.
Anyway, we're not going to getinto therapizing you. We're gonna move
(15:07):
on to the next term it is, which is narcissism. I want to
spend some more time on narcisism.People think they know what they it means.
Maybe they do on a very superfessionalbut it troubles me when I hear
every people talking about my partner isnarcissistic. You're so narcissistic social media is
also everybody's narcissistic on social media,as I shared or no, not quite.
(15:28):
What do you think narcissism is whenyou hear it demanding in control?
Well, okay, I just wantto say, first of all, we
are all It's okay, I'm hereto help. That's why I'm here.
We are all, to a certaindegree narcissistic. It is all about an
I do. Oh yeah, it'sall about the self, and as as
(15:52):
children, as babies, it isall about the self. That we love
our We should love ourselves to somedegree. But some people love themselves more
than others. So I'm just gonnasay we are all narcissistic to some degree.
But the narcissism is a clinical term. It is a personality trait character
characterized by an inflated sense of selfimportance, deep need for admiration, and
(16:18):
a lack of empathy for others.Extreme forms can manifest itself in a narcissistic
personality disorder. But let me justsay there is a cluster of symptoms that
have to be in place for asignificant amount of time for a person to
be diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder. It is not just somebody who's posting
selfees on their Instagram page. Thatdoesn't qualify them to be a narcissist because
(16:42):
again, as I said before,social media is usually about the person and
their page. Okay, there's alot more to a narcissist or brand,
yeah, than just that. Itis a clinical condition where these traits are
pervasive and significantly impact a person's functioningand relationships. Now, of course,
individuals with NPD as we call it, may exhibit symptoms of grandiosity. What
(17:07):
does that mean. This means like, oh, I'm so grand I'm the
greatest. To the extreme, thereis a sense of entitlement. Their behaviors
are generally manipulative, and there's astrong desire for power and success. Now
what I've just shared these things withyou, and listen, it's not some
of the time. It would bethat your partner or you know, somebody
(17:29):
that you know is like this mostof the time, because of course we
have some of these traits sometimes.But again, as I have said before,
it is when these traits are theremost of the time and they start
to interfere with your emotional, social, vocational, sexual, and relational functioning.
Now, how does this impact relationshipswhen you are in a relationship where
(17:53):
your partner is a narcissist, Well, isn't it? You know, you're
always looking down if you if anarcissist would look down at your Yeah,
they look down on the other onthe on their part of the other person.
Yeah, they are beneath them.There's a lack Generally, there's a
lack of empathy. Narcissists often struggleto understand, uh or care about partners
(18:15):
feelings and needs, leading to aone sided relationship. It is all about
me. And again, guys,this is most of the time, not
some of the time, because someof the time in a relationship it is
about me and some of the timeit's about you. Another trait is that
they're they're very manipulative and controlling.They may use manipulative manipulative tactics as a
ways to maintain control and power overtheir partner. Now that's on the outside,
(18:40):
but generally a narcissists deep inside isa very insecure person. That's why
they have to overcompensate and do actlike that and behave like that with you.
Another trade, like we just talkedabout, is grandiosity and a sense
of entitlement. A narcissists sense ofsuperiority. Entitlement can result in demanding behavior
and expectations that their needs come first. It is all about me, and
(19:02):
they forget that they're in a relationshipwith somebody else. If this is sounding
familiar to you, that person isprobably a narcissist. There's also lack of
accountability. Often they refuse to takeresponsibility for their actions, blaming other people
for their issues, like I haveno role in this conflict, it was
not my fault, externalizing everything tothe other person, and no sense of
(19:29):
responsibility. They can often also engagein emotional abuse. I've heard this from
my patients all the time. He'sa narcissist, and then I listen to
some of the things that are goingon, like, yeah, that's definitely
a narcissist. Their behavior can leadto emotional abuse, causing their partner to
feel unvalidated, belittle like you werejust saying, and emotionally drained like they
are not important in their relationship.These dynamics can lead to a toxic and
(19:52):
unhealthy relationship, causing significant emotional harmto the partner of the narcissist. It
is common thing that I see inmy office. But guys, again,
do not throw this word around justbecause you think the other person is sometimes
focusing on themselves. Now, I'mgonna give you some tips if you are
in a relationship with the narcissist.Coming near the end of the show,
(20:15):
but again we're gonna take a littlebreak over here, but we'll be right
back to talk more about narcisism andalso gaslighting. What is gaslighting and what
are we gonna do with it?Anita Ashley has more advice on how to
on Bleep Your Life and Relationships onnews Talk eleven thirty wys Welcome back to
(20:38):
n Bleep Your Life and Relationships.I'm your host, Anita Astley, psychotherapists
of twenty five years and plus andauthor of Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.
You can find that on Amazon andSimon and Schuster and other websites. We
are talking about some language, someclinical terms that people just kind of throw
around without really knowing what they mean. We just talked about narcissism and now
(21:00):
we're gonna I'm gonna give you sometips on how to deal with a narcissistic
partner if truly they are narcissistic.But again, if you're not a therapist,
you should not be making that diagnosis. But anyway, it's trying to
help you to understand and identify andmaybe get some more help if truly that's
the case. Gaslighting? What isgaslighting? Another term that is kind of
(21:21):
new. It is new. I'mlike, where does these where do these
terms come from? And there isthe overlap between somebody who's a gas lighter
and somebody who is a narcissist.All right, so let's get into a
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulationin which a person again makes the other
partner question their reality, their memory, or their perceptions of a situation,
(21:45):
where the other person starts thinking,wait a minute, did that really happen?
Am I just so delusional that whatmy partner sayings is actually true and
what I believe is not true.It's often involves denying or the story in
facts, lying and creating confusion,leading to your partner doubting their reality,
(22:06):
their sense of sanity, and oftenjudgment like I don't even know what's good
or bad anymore. Have you heardthis term being used often? Gaslighting?
Yeah? Absolutely. I was goingto just say on the politics side,
because that's where I'm at. Yeah, you hear that all the time.
You know, they keep telling usthe economy is doing great when it's not.
Yeah, and that's but is thatthe right term for that? Well,
(22:33):
that's also called lying. Okay,that's also good. Well, politics
a lot of games go on.We want to get it. We should
have a whole another show on themental impact of watching the debate. Maybe
that should be next week. Butthere is a lot of gaslighting in politics,
trying to get control. The tacticis used to gain power and control.
(22:53):
So you're correct. It's gaining powerand control over someone and making them
believe that what they actually have experienceis not true. So, yeah,
you're right. If you watch adebate, you're thinking like, oh my
god, what is going on overhere? There are so many different realities
and gaslighting each other. It's makingthem dependent on the manipulation for their sense
of reality. Gaslighting can occur invarious relationships, including professional personal. Gaslighting
(23:19):
can occur in various relationships including personal, professional, and social context, and
it often results in significant emotional andpsychological harm to the person who is a
target of gaslighting. Now, howdoes it impact relationships, Well, obviously
in a very negative way, justlike the narcissistic personality. One of the
(23:40):
things that it does is erodes theother person's self confidence. Now, if
I start if I'm gaslighting you allthe time, eventually you're gonna end up
feeling and thinking like, oh mygod, nothing I say is actually a
value, It's not true. What'swrong with me? It makes you question
your sense of sanity, your perceptionsand judgments, leading to this decree self
(24:00):
esteem and self worth. I reallydon't know what I'm talking about. My
partner must be right. We hearthat all the time in gaslighting situations.
The other thing it does, it'sthe dependence on the manipulation. As a
person becomes more uncertain of their reality. Like I just said, maybe I
don't know what I'm talking about,they may increasingly rely on the manipulation for
validation and guidance. Like I don'ttrust myself anymore. I'm gonna start trusting
(24:23):
you more because of all the gaslightingthat's gone on. Now I'm not aware
of that. Hopefully I become awareof that. Over time, I lose
my sense of self and also Istart questioning everything that I'm feeling, everything
that I'm thinking, which again leadsto me not feeling confidence in myself and
in my identity. It causes alot of emotional distress. I hear this
(24:44):
all the time in my office.This constant manipulation and validation can cause significant
stress and anxiety and emotional turmoil,leading to a very toxic relationship. It
also leads if I'm the person feelingthat, it also leads me to feel
isolated, like, who can Igo to my friends, my family,
Murby They're going to think that I'mcrazy too, because what I'm thinking and
(25:07):
feeling is not really real. Soit's going to isolate me in even more
because my partner's control over me willhelp me to lose some of the confidence
that I have in myself. Soare you just trusting someone as somebody in
the family to rely on. Well, you're hoping that eventually, over time
somebody will point out this dynamic ifthey're observing it in your relationship or I'm
(25:32):
hoping over time, something inside ofthe person who's being who is a target
of being gaslighted, will come toa sense of wait a minute, it
can't be everything that I'm doing isgoing is wrong. There must be something
that I'm doing right, but thisperson is constantly putting me down. And
today there's so much in media,social media, on the news and a
(25:52):
written print that we can read aboutgaslight and inform ourselves in terms of wait
a minute, is this something thatI'm experience and going through in my relationship?
Creates a lot of trust issues.Also, partner may struggle to trust
others and again themselves, leading tolong term difficulties in forming healthy relationships with
even just outside of that relationship withyour family members, significant others, or
(26:15):
even at the workplace. So gaslightingoverall creates a toxic dynamic where the person
receiving the gaslighting feels trapped, confused, powerless, and severely affected overall with
their mental health and mental well being. I think we saw that in the
debate last night. I don't know, I watched it, and I watched
(26:37):
the the talking about it afterwards,the processing of it. I'm like,
oh my god, there's so muchgaslighting going on. It just so it
just doesn't happen in personal relationships.It happens in politics all the time.
And we've been watching this gas lightingshow for years, right, and you
were just talking about politics of it. Now. I had a question from
one of my fathers saying, Anita, help, I think my partner is
(27:03):
narcissistic and I don't know what todo with this. Now. Again,
as I said before, if thisis something that you're just coming up with
yourself, maybe you need to goto a therapist together and find out what
the problems really are. But I'lltell you something, if you're dealing with
a narcissistic personality, helping somebody who'sa narcissist can be challenging, but it's
important to approach the situation with somecompassion and also some care and some realistic
(27:30):
expectations. You're not just going togo to your partner. This definitely is
not the right way. Hey,you're a narcissist and you need help,
That's not the way to do itbecause they are definitely going to be defensive.
Somebody said that to me, myback would be up against the wall.
I'm like, what are you atherapist? All of a sudden,
you're gonna diagnose me? So again, that's not going to be received.
Well, if that's the way you'regoing to approach it, here are some
(27:52):
strategies to deal with answering this question. To deal with somebody who you might
suspect a narcissist. Do we havea few minutes or do we need to
go to break encourage therapy. LikeI said before, seek professional help.
Maybe do the research and help themout. Provide them with a list or
something. Say hey, you know, I'm a little bit concerned that these
might be some of the challenges,and I would like to help you.
(28:17):
That's very different to your narcissists.You need help. I would like to
help you. The other thing youdefinitely need to do with somebody who is
a narcissist, and even a gaslighter is set. Some boundaries clearly define
what behavior is acceptable and what isnot. I've talked about boundaries also.
I talk about boundaries all the timein the show because they're so important.
(28:37):
They basically are rules of engagement.We all have to have emotional and physical
boundaries, especially with a narcissist,because a narcissist would cross all physical and
well hopefully not all physical, butall emotional boundaries with you. And by
physical I mean invading your privacy.It's not just a sense of you know,
violating your physical self, touching youor pushing you. They will violate
(29:00):
your sense of privacy. Consistent boundariesare really important in managing some of the
impact that narcissistic behavior can have ona relationship. The other thing you need
to do is communicate effectively. LikeI said, I've said before, meaning
use eye statements to express your feelingsand needs without blaming. For example,
(29:22):
I feel hurt when you dismiss myconcerns because the narcissist will often just tell
you, Oh, that doesn't matter, you don't know what you're talking about.
I have the truth and I havethe reality, and that impos that
onto you use eye language because thatwill put them in a less defensive situation.
Now, anytime we speak to somebody, and I've talked about this before,
is we should use statements, butparticularly if you're dealing with the narcissistic
(29:47):
personality, you need to use eyestatements. It's much more effective. Accusatory
language doesn't work. It doesn't createthe response that you're looking for, It
doesn't invite somebody into a dialogue.It creates a very defense attack, a
dynamic which we don't want. Theother thing you need to do is you
need to practice some self care,take care of yourself. If that person
(30:08):
is not willing to go for sometherapy, then go for some therapy yourself,
because then you can learn to workwith that narcissistic personality. And again,
if you want the relationship to work, there's got to be a mutual
desire. So you know, whenI work with somebody like that and they
say, you know, I'm nota therapist, but I think my partner
is a narcissistic and they'll describe someof the traits and I'll say, okay,
(30:32):
I can't diagnose them, haven't methim yet. But then eventually get
him into the office and this guy, So there's got to be a mutual
desire to make the relationship work.But if there isn't that mutual desire to
make the relationship work, it's notgonna work anyway, whether you're with a
narcissist or not. But if you'redealing with somebody like that, get some
help also for yourself so you're betterprepared to deal with that personality. And
(30:56):
if you really want to make therelationship work, because they might be a
narcissis, but they miss it,might still love you and you might still
love them, and you might wantto make the relationship work, it does
happen. Guys, just because you'redealing with a difficult relationship, it doesn't
mean that the relationship is not goingto work. We're going to take a
little short break here. We willbe back and continue our conversation and I'm
going to show some tips on howto help your partner who might be a
(31:19):
narcissist. Back to Unbleep Your Lifeand Relationships on news Talk eleven thirty WYSA.
Hey, guys, welcome back toUnbleep Your Life and Relationships. I'm
your host, Anita Astley, psychotherapistof twenty five years and plus an author
of Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.Today we're talking about some terms that are
(31:41):
just kind of thrown around without actuallyhaving some understanding of them, and they
can be hurtful. And we justtalked about narcissism. We just talked about
gaslighting, and I was giving youguys some tips on how to deal with
the situation in terms of gaslighting.I just talked about self care and the
other thing we need to do iseducate ourselves. Educate if you're dealing with
(32:01):
a narcissistic personality or a gas lighter, learn about what these terms actually mean.
So you can learn some healthy coopingmechanisms. Educate yourself and educate the
other person in a compassionate manner,not in an instructive manner, again using
eye language. The other thing todo is avoid enabling. And I know
(32:23):
this is really hard because you mightbe stuck and possibly you are in this
dynamic of enabling the other person todo what they're doing and keeping that dynamic
alive. Like I've said, astoxic as it can be. We all
have a role in the dramas thatwe do help, We help create them,
and they're part of our lives.It's owning our role and then doing
(32:45):
something about it. Do not reinforcetheir narcissistic behavior by always giving in to
their demands or seeking to constantly pleasethem, because that is exactly what a
narcissist and a gas lighter wants todo. Again, seek support, whether
it's from your family, a supportgroup, a therapist. No shame in
going to a therapist. Guys.You know, I want to reiterate on
(33:07):
this show many times, and Itry to that we need to take care
of our mental health. We focuson taking care of our physical health,
but we really also need to takecare of our mental health, because I'll
tell you something, if that's suffering, everything else in our in our lives
will suffer. And our relationships,you know, if they're suffering, we're
(33:28):
just going to suffer. So ourmental health hinges on the quality of our
relationships. So part of my bigdeal in this show is to help people
become comfortable with being uncomfortable, andI know therapy does that to people.
Okay, let's get into talking abouthow to help a gaslighter or if you're
not a relationship with a gas lighter. There's some overlapping with a narcissist and
(33:49):
a gas lighter, but they aresomewhat different. Helping someone who engages in
gaslighting behavior can be complex and requiresa careful and compassionate and structure approach.
Again, it's about using your compassionand not attacking the other person because although
I think, okay, gas lighters, you've got some stuff, they are
also very injured people. Their egois very fragile. They come across very
(34:13):
differently, but I try to alsolook at them with compassion. So if
you're in a relationship and you wantto help and you want the relationship to
possibly work, give it a chance, you got to approach it with compassion,
encourage self reflection. If I'm ina relationship with you and you're gaslighting
me, I'm thinking, Okay,I want this to work. I'm going
to try to help you to reflecton what's going on. Try to help
(34:35):
them understand the impact of their behaviorby encouraging them to reflect on their actions
and how these actions affect you.This might involve compassionate always involves compassionate conversation
about specific instances where gaslighting has occurred. Give me an example, because sometimes
you know, we're in this situationand the person so, well, I
(34:55):
don't know what you're talking about.When do I, because that's going to
be a defense the reaction, whendo I ever gaslight? I don't remember
doing that. Give them a specificexample, and then unpack that in a
very compassionate way, not in anattacking way. And that is it really
requires you to be patient to sitthere with somebody who's basically told you you
(35:15):
don't know what you're talking about.Meg are you are you putting the papers
in the recycled bent Yeah, yeah, sure I am. That's kind of
a week, it's kind of aweekly. But I'm telling you if that's
the extentive gaslighting, you're not thatthat's not gaslighting. Yeah, that's a
(35:36):
whole nother problem. Promote therapy,you know, encourage them and say,
you know, I'll go to therapywith you. Sometimes, you know,
I've had people come in where thepartners kind of brings them along and then
the partner is no longer part ofthe process. But they just needed that's
the other The gaslighter or the narcissistjust needed support. Maybe the gaslighter didn't
know he was gaslighting. Yeah,sometimes you're not aware of it, that
(35:59):
you were so inside so much.Because I'll tell you something, when people
are behaving in that manner, whenthey're exhibiting narcissistic and gaslighting and behavior,
they are actually suffering inside. Youknow. I tend to think about,
Wow, who hurts you so much? Who made you feel so little that
you've got to put this on me? Educate yourself. There's resources available online.
(36:21):
Again, like I said before,go to a credible website on Google.
Not everything is credible, you know, so don't just read everything and
take it for that. That's thetruth. It's not always. There's a
lot of good websites out there.Psychological associations, The American Association of Marriage
and Family Therapy has a lot ofliterature out there on these types of toxic
(36:42):
relationships. The other thing that Ialso shared previously is set very clear boundaries.
Establish and communicate clear boundaries regarding what'sacceptable what's not acceptable. Let them
know that manipulative behavior is not acceptableanymore, and then you're not going to
tolerate it. And you know,it's not only set those boundaries, but
it's when those boundaries are being pushedby the gas lighter, by the narcissists.
(37:06):
You need to keep them in placebecause they are so used to you
just acquiescing. They're so used toyou just saying, okay, whatever,
this is too exhausting, I'm justgonna let you have your way. But
that, again is an enabling reactionfrom you. You need to stop that
model healthy communication. Now, ofcourse I think we should do that in
all situations, but again, anarcissistic personality in somebody who's a gas lighter,
(37:30):
we need to do this, eventake a step further to do this,
because they will take every opportunity andevery chance to try to prove you
wrong. And if you attack them, they're gonna feel very defensive and react
in that manner. Like I saidbefore, using eye language, demonstrate effective
(37:51):
respectful communication so they can actually watchit, experience it, and hopefully do
it themselves. It's an empathic conversation, you know, when you're when you're
going to talk to somebody and youwant the relationship to work, and it's
a very sensitive issue because you're basicallygoing to tell them that you don't like
their approach and their approach hurts you. That's very delicate, you know,
if you want to be gentle,but at the same time you want to
(38:15):
have some firm takeaways for them thatthey can think about and reflect upon.
So there's a fine balance being assertive, compassionate and being caring, but also
being able to set the expectations thatyou have of them. Moving forward,
we can again, we can't undothe past, but moving forward we can
(38:37):
make differences, and using the pastas examples of what is no longer acceptable
is much more healthy way of approachingit rather than using the past as a
weapon. Stop using these terms.That's basically what you're said, unless you
know what they mean and the therapisthas you know, diagnosed it, or
if you've read, you know,come across it on a credible website.
(38:59):
Again, don't say to your partneryou're a narcissistic person and you need help,
or you're a gas lighter and youneed help. That's definitely not the
way to do it. If somebodytold me that, I wouldn't be very
open to that diagnosis. First Isay, can I see your license first?
Which state are you practicing? Andanother thing to do is hold them
accountable when glass lighting and gas lightingexcuse me occurs, point it out like
(39:22):
I just said before, and tellthem how it makes you feel, tell
them how it makes you think.The other thing you can do is support
their growth and change. It isso easy for us when we're in a
relationship to talk about all the thingsthat are not going well, all the
things that are wrong, but difficultwhen to point out when things are actually
(39:44):
going well. So acknowledge and recognizeand celebrate progress and change when you see
something positive happening that they would nothave done in the past. They might
have resorted to a gas lighting behaviorin the past. But since some therapies,
some open communication, effective communication,there's progress that's being made. Share
(40:05):
it with them, right We haveto share good things, guys, not
just the bad stuff. People sayin therapy When I point out, go
Anita, aren't we here just totalk about the bad? I'm like,
No, I can say to you, hey, congratulations, you're making progress,
you're doing good. Lastly, butnot least, protect yourself. Oh
okay, protect yourself and sure thatyour own mental health is well before you
(40:30):
can protect the other person's mental healthor preserve it or help them to keep
it well. Again, guys,we have to be strong in ourselves before
we can attempt to help another person. So protect your mental health, protect
your physical health, of course,and then you can lean in and help
somebody else out. Remember, weall need support, we all need encouragement,
(40:52):
and if you're willing to make therelationship work, we need to communicate
with each other in a compassionate,discerning way, not attacking the other person.
And remember, if you're dealing withsomebody who has a narcissistic personality,
if you're dealing with a gaslighter,that person is suffering. That's why they're
behaving that way. And if youlove them and you want the relationship to
(41:15):
work, approach it in that manner. And if you don't then walk away.
It's time to leave. But pointingthe finger and just being stuck in
that attack defense mode with somebody likethat is not going to work. So
make a decision. Do you wantto stay in the relationship or you want
to get out of the relationship.But if you want to stay, just
you know, listen to this again. It's going to be on the platform
(41:37):
I believe ran on. Yeah,and take some notes and practice some of
those things that I've just shared withyou. Thank you so much for joining
me tonight. Guys. We willbe back next week and I'm going to
help you and bleep your life inrelationships always something new to talk about,
because relationships are always so interesting,so complicated, but they you know,
(41:59):
they do bring up the best ofthings, sometimes not the best of Check
out your Instagram page you can.It's asking you to Aslee on Instagram.
It is the plot social media platformthat I'm most active on. And remember,
guys, do not throw these termsaround loosely. And I'll tell you
something. If your friends are onsocial media and they're posting selfies, that's
(42:21):
not called narcissism. Social media isall about that person and taking selfies is
all about that, so it's nota clinical diagnosis. Otherwise we all be
diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Okay, guys, that's all the time we
have. Take care, so younext week.
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