Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Relationships, whether romantic, platonic, familial, are complicated and can be
downright messy, bringing out the best and worst in all
of us. Here's an opportunity for you to learn effective,
concrete strategies to help you build healthy relationships from the
inside out. It's on Bleep Your Life and Relationships with
(00:21):
host Anita Ashland, psychotherapist of over twenty five years.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Hey guys, welcome to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships. I'm
your host, Anita Astley, psychotherapist of twenty five years and
published author of Unbleep Your Life and Relationships. The book
can be found on Amazon and Simon and Schuster and
bookstores and also Target and Walmart in other places. Just
google it, guys, google me, google my name. If you
(00:47):
are a first time listener. On the show, we talk
about all things related to mental health and relationships. Now
you might be thinking I'm not in a relationlationships, or
I'm not in a relationship. Sorry, I'll tell you something
you are. The first one is the one with yourself.
Chapter one of my book, I talk about self awareness.
(01:10):
How we have to have some self awareness before we
can play nicely with others in relationships. Today we are
going to be talking about a particular type of relationship
that I'm sure most of you have had some experience in. Now,
Before we get into that, I want to say when
I talk about relationship or I use that word relationships,
(01:31):
people automatically assume it's a romantic one, but it is not.
We are well sometimes it is, but it is not
always the case. Relationships are also the ones we have
with our parents, our family, siblings, our friends, our neighbors,
people we work with, So it's not an exclusive term
(01:53):
to romance. The one we're going to talk about today
is friendship. Friendships causes a lot of stress in people's lives.
So you know, relationships bring a lot of joy into
our lives, but they also bring a lot of negativity.
And if you've lived long enough like myself, you go
(02:14):
in and out of relationships. I've gone in and out
of relationships, and there are certain ones that I've always
gravitated back too, and that have always remained in my life,
lifelong relationships, but many have ended because mutually we've decided
that's the best way to go, or they've just kind
of dissipated over time because we've lost a sense of connection.
And I've moved. I don't know what about you, Greg, Well,
(02:36):
I was.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Just thinking about me being in radio for so long.
I've worked with so many people who were basically my
good friends while we were working. Yeah, but when they
split and they moved away, you never really kept in contact. Yeah,
it's kind of weird.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Well, I mean it was a working relationship. It wasn't
something a friendship that you had out of the office.
You know, Relationships, we either love them we hate them.
They make us feel confused. We are disappointed sometimes in them,
saddened by them. They off sometimes might you feeling depressed, hurt,
but also happy. They are vital. We need them. As
(03:13):
I've said before on this show, we are social creatures
and having contact with other people is vital part of
our mental and physical functioning. We need them even though
we may not want them, Guys, we need them for
a sense of contentment in our lives. We need to
be connected to other people. And I want to just
remind you, guys that relationships also friendships. I want to
(03:37):
emphasize today the type of relationship we're talking about our
friendships today. You have a role in every friendship that
you have which has gone south. You had a role
in that. If it didn't work out, you had a
role in that. Easy to blame the other person. But again, guys,
relationships are not linear. I repeat this throughout a lot
(03:58):
all the shows that we do together on the air
with Greg here, they are not linear. What does this mean? Greg?
Speaker 1 (04:06):
You got me put it.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
On theot on the hot seat. Sometimes they're not linear.
It's not one way. They are bi directional, meaning what
I do and say impacts you, and what you do
and say impacts me. And sometimes all that stuff goes sideways.
It doesn't always go the way we want it to go,
especially today in a world of you know, when we
text each other and the communication kind of is not straight,
(04:30):
nor is it direct. When it doesn't go well, we
tend to blame the other person. We really need to
look at the role we had, you know, and we
all have relationships that didn't work out. But a lot
of the people I work with in my office, they'll
often come into my office talking about how they have
been wronged by someone else. And you know, I can
listen to that one session, two session, three sessions, ten sessions.
(04:54):
I'm like, okay, wait a minute, we are going to
look at your role in what went wrong in this relationship,
so you don't repeat it. Because if we just keep
blaming somebody else for the things that didn't go right
in a friendship, then we are not going to learn
anything from that experience, and then we will continue to
make those mistakes in our future friendships. Because I'll tell
(05:16):
you something, you are going to have friendships. If you're
listening to this and say, I don't want to have
any friends. People have disappointed me for so many years
in my life. I am so done with that. I
hate people. I hear that all the time, Like no, no, no,
you don't hate people. You want to have friendships, but
you just don't know how anymore. And today, you know,
we have so many friends on Facebook, on social media period,
(05:39):
but again, are they really your friends? We're going to
talk about on this show today. What does it mean
to be a friend, How do I make new friends?
What do I need to do in the relationship for
it to be a good friendship. These are all the
things we need to think about when we are seeking friendships,
and we all are seeking friendships with some we need
(06:00):
to at least have one good friend in our life.
We don't need to have the quantity, but we do
need quality friendships. And you know, having I have a
daughter who's twenty one, I have a son who's twenty three,
and I'll tell you something, this whole term friendship takes
on a whole new meaning because they will Literally, my
daughter was telling me we were looking at something on
(06:21):
social media. She goes, Mom, look at all these people
with all these friends, and sometimes she'll feel bad that
she doesn't have all those friends, and I'm like, dude,
that's not reality. That's just a snapshot of a group
of people. This does not mean that they are close
intimate friends. Because sometimes when we look at that, my
young people that I work with today, I was just
talking to my daughter about it, they end up feeling
(06:43):
a sense of inadequacy that if I don't have this
group of friends, I'm not posting these kinds of pictures,
that there's something wrong with me. And I say to her, look, look, honey,
there are friends, and they're our friends. What does that mean.
They're real friendships that we have in our lives and
are just people that we kind of know to take
that photo with to post it on social media so
(07:05):
everybody else can think like, oh my god, she has
so many friends.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Yeah, you can. You bring up a good point too.
I've had you know, Facebook. You know you're talking twenty
thousand friends. Yeah, they say friends. Yeah, I know seven
of them. Yeah. To be honest with you, I know seven.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
And I'll tell you, guys, if you are one of
those people who have, like you know, thousands of friends
on Facebook, but don't really have any close friendships that
you can just go to coffee and hang out with,
you need to start thinking about what does the term
friendship means? And I know it means different things today
because of virtual relationships that we have over line, but
(07:40):
I think ultimately, as human beings, we need real friendships.
And what does a real friendship mean. It means that
we are mutually respectful towards the other person they are
towards us. There is a sense of trust, there is
some support, and there is a genuine connection. The most
important word you're going to hear today, a genuine connection
(08:03):
meaning emotional intimacy. And that's not exclusive to romantic relationships.
It's a vital aspect of all relationships. In our lives.
We need somebody and what is it. It's emotional being
emotionally naked. I've talked about this on the show numerous times.
We need to be emotionally naked, at least with one
friend in our life. And if we don't have that,
it's okay. If you're thinking I don't have that, Anita,
(08:25):
that makes me feel like, you know, really sad and depressed,
it's okay. You just have to learn how to get
that in your life. You can't order it on Amazon, unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Can you get me a friend? You can you get
it for Prime too?
Speaker 2 (08:39):
Well, yeah, I don't know. Let's not even get into that,
but I'll tell you. I'm going to share an experience.
I have relocated multiple times in my life, to different countries,
to different states. It's you know, I talk about that
in my book, and that can be very challenging when
you're trying. When you're a person like myself, I used
to be very shy, but now I'm a pretty outgoing
person and people mean a great deal to me, and
(09:01):
friendships to me are really important. Of course, romantic relationship also,
but a friendship is key. It's very important. And having
to start over again and again and again can be
very difficult and it can be very isolating. But what
you have to do is I had to make an effort.
I have to go out there, and then I have
to tell my kids the same thing I said. Listen,
friends are not going to come knocking on your door.
(09:23):
You have to go out there and seek them. I'm
going to talk a little bit more about that in
depth to help some of you guys who might be
struggling with that. But I just want to say before
we get into the other stuff. We need them and
if you think you don't, you're in denial. If you
think you don't, then you've been hurt by somebody really
badly in your life that you don't think you need them,
and that not needing them is really a defensive reaction.
(09:47):
It's because you've been hurt. Can you relate to that?
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Craig Girl, I've got a story about a high school
friend of mine. Go ahead, let's go to a break first.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Oh should we Okay? Well, we'll be back after these messages.
Talk about friends ships.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
Everyone strives for healthier relationships. Here's more of Unbleep Your
Life and Relationships on News Talk eleven thirty wisn.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Hey, guys, welcome back to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.
I'm your host, Anita Ashley, psychotherapist of twenty five years
and plus. We are talking about friendships today. It is
a very different type of relationships and I want to
a relationship, and I want to remind you guys again,
I say this repeatedly that relationship the term is not
(10:35):
exclusive to romantic ones. It is very inclusive to friendship.
And Greg just we before we went to break it
was going to share a story.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Go ahead, Greg, Well, you know this goes back how
many years? I graduated in nineteen seventy nine, so that
tells you how long? How long ago? This was lifelong friend.
Jocko Majoco is my buddy through high school, played football
together and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, he went
off to college. I stayed around the area, that's back home.
He came back one night and I had to work
the next morning, and he goes, come out, let's go party,
(11:05):
Let's go party, come out. I gotta get up in
the morning. Yeah I can't, well, bank you bleep you
and walked away. Yeah, And we never talked after that ever. Ever,
we never, ever, I tried to reach out to him
on Facebook. Yeah, he just alienated me. And where to
this day, I don't know. Is it because I wouldn't
(11:26):
go out and party with him, or is it something else?
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Well, it sounds like he felt rejected by you, But
it sounds like he was trying to reconnect with the
friendship that you had years ago. But you changed over time.
He's still partying like he used to maybe when you know,
But isn't that funny?
Speaker 1 (11:42):
It's still to this day it still bothers me, like,
what did I do? What did I say?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
I'm not well. I would say to you that it
sounds like it's not something that you did wrong. Both
of you changed, and what you needed at that earlier
on in your relationship years and years ago is not
clearly is not what you needed at this point in
time in the relationship. So relationships change, and some of
them over time, it's okay that they don't exist anymore
(12:07):
because the needs of the friendship have changed and you
were disconnected for a long time. He tried to come
here and connect with you in a way that you
were not wanting to connect in the way anymore. You're
much older and you want to do that anymore because
you had responsibilities. So friendships change over time. People evolve
over time, and sometimes we become incompatible, and it's knowing
(12:30):
when to adjust those expectations in a friendship. And sometimes
it might be that, you know, we can't be friends anymore,
and that's okay. You know it's over a long period
of time. He came in, it didn't work out. We
need to be able to distinguish between what's a true friend,
what's a superficial friend, and what is a toxic relationship.
I hear that term all the time in my office.
I'm in this toxic friendship with this person. But we
(12:52):
just keep going on and on and on in this
and I don't know how to get out of it.
But what are some of the key things in a
healthy relationship that's a friendship? What do you think, Greg,
what is the essence?
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Something in common?
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yeah, that's usually what brings people together, something we have
in common, and that is the way to nurture and
build emotional intimacy, the connection in our relationship. And that's
one of the key ways of Like I move several
times throughout the country, throughout the stage, and the one
of the ways I made friends is I joined a club.
And you know, I like running, so I joined a
(13:27):
running club and then I met people who shared in
that interest, but I also met people who you know,
shared in the interest, but we weren't really compatible. So
although I can bring you together initially, it doesn't always
sustain and maintain the relationship. Now, friendship, of course, is
a bond that goes beyond mere acquaintance or social obligations
or you know, activities that you do together. Unlike family,
(13:50):
it is a voluntary relationship. So when people are really
struggling in friendships to the max words causing them sleepless nights,
I always remind people, guys, this is a voluntary relationship.
It is not kind of the relationship you have with
your family. You're you know, like we don't choose our family,
so we sometimes have to see them. But if you're
(14:11):
in a relationship voluntarily, which is a friendship, and it's
not going well, you have options. You're not stuck. You
might feel stuck, but you're not stuck. What do you think?
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Move on?
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Move on? So again, voluntary relationship not involuntary. Now, true
friends with those with whom we feel a deep connection.
As I shared earlier, emotional intimacy is the bedrock of
all healthy relationships, including friendships. People who understand us and
with whom we share our thoughts, our fears and dreams.
(14:43):
Without this is key judgment friend True friends, real friends
don't judge you for the mistakes that you're about to make,
for the mistakes that you're making, the mistakes that you've
made in the past. They are there to support you now.
They might, you know, give you ask on what do
you think. They will listen to you what you know.
They will give you advice, They will give you some opinions,
(15:06):
but they will not judge you for making your own decisions.
They'll stand by you. It's a true friend is really
I remember, you know, a long time ago, I had
some issues with one my significant other, and I called up.
You know, she's still my best friend today, and she
really did what a true friend is supposed to do.
She listened to me rather than tell me what I
(15:27):
should do. And also rather than jump on the bandwagon.
You know people do that all the time. Oh yeah,
he's soul. You should totally leave him, you shouldn't be
with him. She didn't do any of that. She gave
me her opinion, but she also said, this is something
you've got to decide on your own. You got to
work this out. But you know she also kind of
played devil's advocate and you know, kind of said, well,
maybe he's thinking from this perspective, you're coming from this perspective.
(15:50):
A real friend is there to help you work it out.
But most importantly their help, they're there to listen to
you and then not tell you what to do, and
also not get upset with you if you don't, you know,
listen to any of their advice. But they serve the
primary function of being there for you.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
What do you think, Oh, yeah, and if you're looking
for advice, you could ask for it.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Yeah, and they're not going to offended if you don't
take it. There are the people who stand by you
during your best of times and the worst of times,
offering encouragement and support. This is where you will really
learn of your friendships in life. It's in the midst
of a crisis, but also in the midst of something
that goes wonderful for you. So it's not just sharing
(16:31):
bad news, it's also sharing good news. Be cautious of that, people,
So why would you say that. Of course, my friends
want to know the good news and they're going to
be so happy for me. Not all people are going
to be happy for you. Those sometimes who come disguised
as friends are not really your friends.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Jealous yes, and.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Jealousy will kill Actually, you know, thank you for bringing
that up. Jealousy is the number one red flag. If
you are friends with, say, and you're sensing there's some
jealousy there. That is not a real friend. That is
somebody who's there to kind of listen, take it in
and not be truly happy for you. So be cautious
(17:12):
and with who you share good news with. Also, you
know that I'm on social media and I get all
kinds of you know, people who are not my friends,
who know they they pretended to be my friends off
of social media, and then you know, I moved a
few times, and then you know, we don't. We've lost
that connection. I tried. Maybe they tried and didn't work out.
But when I share good news, they never send me
(17:35):
any comment that's positive. They just ignore it. So I'm like, okay,
So when I'm in when I'm in a crisis or
something bad is happening and we go, oh my God,
tell me what happened. They want to know that, but
they don't want to know the good news. So that
tells me they're not really my good friends and they're
not sending me positive jujus. But I always find it
interesting that they got to stock my page anyway. But
(17:57):
that tells me right away, Okay, you're not really my friend,
because if you're really my friend, you'd say, oh my god,
you published a book. That's amazing. I'm so happy for you.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Even you know you direct message you know DM you
and say hey, congratulations. You have to put it on
Facebook or or Instagram or anything DM me.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
So we can have a lot of people in our
lives that we think are our friends, but we need
to sometimes step back and ask ourselves, Okay, who's really
in this crowd of ten maybe or five or whatever
the number is for you? Who is in this crowd
that I can call when I'm in a crisis or
I have some really great news to share and they're
(18:34):
truly going to celebrate with me. True friends celebrate our
successes without jealousy, support us in our failures without judgment.
They offer honest feedback even when it's uncomfortable, because they
genuinely care about our well being and growth. If you
have one person in your life who can do that,
(18:55):
you're doing pretty well. I'll tell you that.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Now, look, do I have anyd like that?
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Well, you you might, and you're gonna have to look closer.
And if you don't, maybe at this point in time
you don't need that. But I always think that we
need a friend that is not our significant other because
that one person and it puts a lot of pressure
on that person can feel that they can't satisfy you
(19:24):
in every aspect of your life. And this is so true.
I truly believe this. If we expect everything from the
person that we're romantically involved in, it's a little problematic
because no one person I believe can fulfill our needs
and expectations emotionally, and they're different. Like what my partner
does for me emotionally is not the same as what
(19:46):
my best girlfriend does for me. I can't share the
same amount of stuff even though we're intimate emotionally close,
I have a healthy relationship. I need to be able
to have somebody else outside that romantic relationship that's a
true friend who I can go to with all my
other stuff.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
So, in other words, you need somebody to help you
bury the body.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
Yeah, yeah, that can't just be my significant other. Has
to be somebody else that I can trust and respect
and it's mutual. Okay, let's continue the conversation the importance
of friendship today. Guys, we'll be back after these messages.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Anita Ashley has more advice on how to on bleep
your Life and Relationships on news Talk eleven thirty wys.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Hey, guys, welcome back to Unbleep your Life and Relationships.
I'm your host, Anita Astley, psychotherapist of twenty five years.
Today we're talking about the importance of friendships in our lives.
People often say I don't need friends. However, in my experience,
that's just a defensive reaction because they've had a negative
experience with someone. A friendship is crucial for our emotional
(20:57):
and psychological well being. Good friends provide a sense of belonging.
They reduce stress, believe it or not, overall reduce stress.
You might not be thinking that right now if you're
having an issue with one of your friends. They do
increase our happiness overall. The other important thing that they
do they also help us navigate the challenges of life
(21:17):
by offering perspective, advice and a shoulder to lean on
when we need it. That you know, sometimes our significant
other cannot provide. Now, studies have shown conclusively throughout years
that strong relationships can improve our physical health by reducing
the risk of depression, lowering blood pressure, and even increasing
(21:38):
our lifespan. Think about that when we are alone, when
we are feeling lonely, this has a huge impact on
our physical self, not only our mental self. Friendships also
play a critical role in our personal development. They challenge us.
I don't know about you, Greg, but my good friends
always challenges challenge me through some times conflict that we're
(22:00):
having that we're able to resolve, which helps me to
learn and grow and become a better version of myself.
I don't know, have people done that in your life
that are.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Your friends in the past? Sure? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
And through those interactions with friends, we learn about empathy,
We learn to communicate better. Sometimes our communications skills are
not so good, but hopefully through meaningful relationships we can
learn to do that better. Now, friendships also expose us
to different viewpoints of that I was saying, If we
just stay in a linear path, we're not going to grow,
(22:32):
We're not going to learn about new experiences. Broadening our
understanding of the world is done through collaboration with other
people through deep relationships with people that we have in
our life. Most importantly, I think what we learn from
our relationships how to resolve conflict. Now, you guys listening
today might be thinking, Okay, I haven't had much conflict
(22:53):
in my friendships, but I'll tell you something. Maybe you
need to go to a deeper level. Because any time
we have a friend, a true friend, they are eventually
going to challenge us in some way and we're gonna
hopefully grow from that challenge. And I've talked about that before.
When we have a conflict in our friendship like we're
talking about today, it is an opportunity for that relationship
(23:16):
to become deeper. How are we able to resolve this?
And if we can resolve it well, we'll have a
greater sense of emotional intimacy with that person. If we
can't resolve it well, but that friendship is no longer
going to exist, possibly or it's going to go down
a negative path, or it's just going to stay at
that level of intimacy, emotional intimacy. Always, when there's a
(23:37):
conflict in a relationship, in a friendship, it is an
opportunity for growth. It's an opportunity to get closer, or
it's an opportunity and as an opportunity to say, this
relationship is really not going to work. Now. Characteristics, people
always say, what are characteristics of a true friendship? Number one,
there's got to be mutual respect in a and trust
(24:00):
in a real relationship. Both parties respect each other's boundaries,
they respect each other's opinions, and mostly they respect each
other's differences. Now, how many times I listen to people
and I'm watching people at parties or whatever. They're trying
to convince their friend to think and feel a certain way.
That's not cool. That's not respecting the differences in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Judgment.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Yeah, it's a lot of judgment.
Speaker 1 (24:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
And of course we can't talk about good characteristics of
true friendships without talking about trust. Trust is a cornerstone
of any healthy relationship. And you should feel confident that
your friend will keep your secrets. You know, like you said,
where are we going to bury the body? That's that
person that's your true friend. You should always honor their
promises and make promises to them that you can also
(24:47):
keep by being by showing that you're a good friend yourself,
be reliable when they need you, and you will get
that back. Another feature is support and encouragement. If their
true friends are going to support you, they're definitely going
to encoura you through some of the most difficult times
in your life. And again, guys, we don't need a
group of people that we can call our friends. Yeah,
(25:07):
they can be our party friends, but we just need
one or two people in our life that we can
go to when we need support, when we need encouragement.
The other factor is honesty and openness. With a true friend,
you should be able to say what you really think
and what you really feel without feeling that they're going
to judge you, without feeling that they're going to criticize you,
(25:29):
without feeling that they're going to take what you've shared
to somebody else. Going back into trust, consistency, we don't
often think about that, but a real friend is there
for you consistently, not just when it's convenient for them.
I hear about this all the time. Oh, I you know,
I call her and she's never there for me, But
when she needs me, I'm always there for her. I
(25:49):
feel used. Yeah, if you have a person like that
in your life that you think is a real friend,
You've got to start examining that relationship because if they
cannot consistently be there for you, that's not a true fan.
Of course, sometimes life happens and they can't. But most
of the time, I know with my best friend, she
can call me anytime, anywhere and I'll be like, Okay,
(26:10):
I got to be there for you. I will drop
everything and I will go to her. And she's done that.
And she actually has done that for me when I've
been in the middle of a crisis. I'm like, who
am I gonna call even when we're in the middle
of a conflict, And she did that for me. Not
long ago, we were having some I don't know, in hindsight,
it was not that relevant, it was not that important,
but you know, we had all thing going on. But
(26:31):
then I had a major crisis happen in my life
and I just called her up. She said, get your
butt over here. I went over there, and that conflict
of whatever we were dealing with before didn't matter because
that got dropped because what was happening in my life
at the time took precedent. That is true friendship. Now
the other one, reciprocity Reciprocity is key in relationships. I
(26:54):
will tell you something, people will often say to me,
Oh no, no, it's okay. I'm a giver. This is
what I do, and you know I'd like to give
people bs. I'm gonna confident now we all have a ledger. Okay.
Reciprocity is a key ingredient in a healthy friendship. You
can't always be giving and getting nothing back. Okay, it's
(27:15):
okay to want to have something back in a friendship.
We all need that back so we feel good like
there's a balance. Balance is key in all relationships, and
in particular in friendships, because if I'm calling you all
the time with my problems, but I don't make any
time for you when you're gonna call me with your problems,
there is no reciprocity and that relationship ship is not
(27:37):
healthy and it's not going to last a very long time.
I think we should just do a whole show on reciprocity.
There's got to be also shared values and interest. If
we have nothing in common and our values are very different,
it is not going to be a true friendship. The
other one is empathy and understanding. We have to be
able to empathize with another our true friend and understand
(28:00):
their position. Now, that's often sometimes difficult to do because
we might have never experienced what our true friend is
going through. But there is a way of communicating that
without having to have the as if experience. It's sitting there,
it's listening to them. It's trying to have a sense
of understanding without judgment. You know. Judgment is one of
(28:21):
those things guys, and also jealousy that Greg mentioned earlier.
If you feel judged, if you feel that the person
that you thought was your true friend is jealous of you,
then again you've got to reevaluate that friendship. And I'll
tell you it's not getting rid of it. I often
say to people, we don't need to get rid of
that friendship. All we need to do is adjust our
(28:43):
expectations of it. I often do that, Okay, I thought
you were in this category of friends, but you're really not.
You're now going to go up to category number two.
I like you, but you're really not a true friend
that I can truly rely on. There is a difference
of you know, relationship. It's like a you know, we
have a number of people in our lives, but we
(29:03):
need to be able to distinguish between a true friend
that I can call when amnut of crisis or the
party friends. You know, I want to have a party.
I'm gonna call a whole bunch of people and we're
gonna have a lot of fun. We need to be
able to differentiate between those two. And sometimes I hear
this often in my office. I thought she was a
really good friend of mine. I thought he was a
really good friend of mine, But it turns out that
(29:26):
they're not. And I want to say to you, it's okay.
These are just life's lessons. We are not always at
the same place that another person is, and that's okay.
Doesn't mean they're a bad person. That relationship has had
its time, and maybe you were close at one point
in life, but you're not close anymore than I just
your expectations. If the relationship gives you something, but it's
(29:48):
not really that deep, meaningful relationship that it was maybe
at one point, then it's in a different category. We
don't have to get rid of the relationship altogether.
Speaker 1 (29:59):
Degrees of basically to agree is a friendship.
Speaker 2 (30:02):
Adjusting our needs and expectations is key in friendships, also
as it is in romantic relationship. And that's okay because
people change over time. We change over time, our needs
and expectations change over time. Therefore, friendship change over time.
And it might be that you're closer with one person
you know, say you know person A, you were close
(30:24):
to them twenty years ago, and then you kind of
went in and out of each other's lives, but through
social media you reconnected again and then you have that
deep connection again with that person. So friendship, guys, you know,
I just shared the major characteristics of a true friend friendship,
I should say, and people in your life, and I
(30:45):
just want to say before we go to commercial, it's
okay to adjust the needs and expectations of friendship. That's normal,
that's healthy because we all change and evolve over time,
as do friendships. We'll talk more about that when we
come back from this, right. Thank you, guys.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Back to Unbleep your Life and Relationships on News Talking
eleven thirty WYSAD.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
Welcome back to and Bleep your Life and Relationships. I'm
your host, Anita Astley. Today we are talking about friendships,
this particular type of relationship, and guys, you might be
thinking I don't need friends. I don't want any friends.
That's only because you, somewhere along the line, have been
hurt by another person. We are social creatures and we
(31:29):
all need friends. And guess what it takes the burden
off I'm going to say, the burden of our significant
other to be responsible for all our happiness, for all
our joy, for all our desires. We need to be
able to take some of those things to another person,
to a group of friends. And of course we all
need one really good friend in our life. We do.
(31:53):
And if you're listening to this and saying, well, I
want that, but I don't know how to do it, well,
here are some concrete things that you can do today
to get that going. And the first one you're not
going to say, Okay, we're gonna not talk about the
virtual friends that you think you have. I want you, guys,
to build solid relationships, keep you know, face to face,
go out and meet somebody. Number one, Be open and approachable.
(32:17):
What does that mean? Be open and approachable. One of
the first steps in making friends is to be open
and approachable. People are more likely to engage with someone
who appears friendly, positive, and open to conversation. This doesn't
mean you have to be an extrovert now because your
personality is gonna not change or you have to overly talk.
(32:39):
They mean that there's nothing more uncomfortable than watching somebody
and go like la, It's not that, but rather just
be open to meeting new people and willing to engage
in social situation. Showing up is important showing an interest
in other people's lives by asking questions. Now, who doesn't
want to talk about themselves? Most people want to talk
about themselves. Sure, ask them a question, ask them something
(33:03):
about what they did or what they're interested in other
than what they do for a living. People don't always
want to talk.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
I was just going to jump into that, So look
for something else.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
Yeah, look for something else if you, and especially you
might know that person or what they do. If you're
going to a party, I know them. You know Greg's
a radio host, but ask them about something other than
that in his life. This creates a positive impression of
you and encourages further interaction. I want to know about you,
and I want to walk away with something at the
end of this party that's new that I know about you.
(33:33):
Be approachable.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
You could say something like, well, if you're at somebody's
house and you see fish on the wall or so
that was easy, like fish, where do you fish? You know?
Do you go up north? Do you go a little small?
Speaker 2 (33:44):
Like yeah, start a conversation. It's not all when you're
trying to make a friend. It's not about you. It's
about learning about other people. How do you know when
you've been successful? I always say, if you can walk
away with a few contacts and can state one fact
you know about that person that you didn't know before,
you have been successful. There you go. There's here's a
(34:05):
little marker that you could even give yourself a grade
number two. Be mindful of your body language. This is
so important now when I walk into a room and
I see, hope people with their arms crossed. No, no, no,
How we present ourselves physically, people get an impression from that,
and simple gestures like smiling, making eye contact, maintaining an
(34:28):
open posture can make you appear more approachable. Don't cross
your arms. I can't stand that when people stand there
with their arms closed, and I've been with people who
do that, I'm like, can you please not do this?
This is not inviting them, like, well, I don't know
what to do with my arms I'm like, here, hold
this glass of water. Do something other than crossing your arms,
because it is it's a very closed body language. Don't
(34:52):
do it. Hold something, do something else with your hands.
When you have your arms closed. Sorry, it literally says
you're not to people. It's a very negative physical vibe
that you're sending to other people. It's not just what
we say, guys, it's how we present ourselves, how we
present our body, our gestures. Physical gestures are very important.
(35:15):
Another thing you can do is take initiative. Like I
said shared earlier, friends are not going to come knocking
on my door. I relocated a few times. I had
to go out there. I had to take the initiative,
reach out, make some cold calls to you know, I'm
a therapist, so I reached out to other therapists in
the area. It's not always easy for people to do,
but make that call that you're afraid to make. You
(35:36):
got to be proactive in extending invitations to other people.
Don't just be waiting for people to come to you.
People often do that while waiting for that person to
call me, and like, why why are you Why shouldn't
they take the initiative. If you're interested in building a
relationship with this person, take the initiative. Call them. If
they don't respond, Yes, it's going to be hurtful. Yes
(35:57):
you're going to feel rejected. But then you can at
least move on. You're not waiting anymore. I don't like
this waiting game. I don't know, and I've never done
that myself. I don't wait. I'm pretty proactive. If it
doesn't work out, I'm like, Okay, didn't work out, so
I got to move on. Another one is find common interest.
We talked about this. Join a group like meetup dot
com is a great organization you can if you like running,
(36:19):
they have a running group, and then you can join
that running group. And guess what if in that group
of you know, the coherts, you didn't have a connection
with anybody. Find another another group that perhaps runs in
your community. Find somebody who has a common interest, Find
an organization who has a common interest, and you know,
I don't want to put poo. You know, social media
and stuff, because it has benefits. Join one online that's local,
(36:43):
and then slowly meet them in person, have a coffee.
Take the initiative finding common interests. As I was just saying,
the other one is be a good listener. So yes,
of course, when we communicate, when we're trying to make friends,
it's good to be an active listener. But it's also
good to be an active communicators. So we need to
be a good listener active listener, and we need to
(37:04):
be a good communicator meeting, share a little bit also
about our life. Now, don't just take the conversation hostage,
because people do that. They you know, ask a question,
then they bring it back to themselves and blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah. No, when in trying to
make friends, you want to learn about something. Somebody new
in your life and you want to learn something different.
(37:25):
Another thing is build trust and be a reliable person. Now,
I know a trust in a relationship, of course takes time.
So spend time with somebody, invest time with somebody, and
be also reliable when they call on you, like it's
not always Hey, when you want to go running that
that person should be available for you. Are you available
(37:46):
for them? Maybe you don't feel like running and you
can say, well it's not a running day for me,
but hey, i'd love to get together with you. Maybe
we can go for a walk.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
After you're done running, I'll have some coffee with you.
Speaker 2 (37:57):
I'll have some coffee with you. It's not my day,
but you know, let's do that. The other one is
be patient and be persistent. People think, like you know,
we live in this world where everything is it should
happen so quickly, right away. We should be immediately gratified.
Building a solid friendship a true friendships takes time. Be
patient and be persistent. Don't give up. Making friends doesn't
(38:21):
happen overnight. Again, patience Building a meaningful connection guys, you
know it takes time. It's important not to rush the process.
Be patient with yourself and others as you navigate the
complexities of forming new friendships. And friendships are complicated, but
at the beginning, it is really about getting to know
the other person and sharing something about yourself. Now, if
(38:44):
one attempt at making a friend doesn't work out, don't
be discouraged. Keep putting yourself out there and trying new things.
With time, effort, and this is key. A positive attitude.
You'll find people who appreciate your company and want to
build a lasting friendship with you. The other one is
be your authenticity is crucial in any friendship. Trying to
(39:04):
be someone you're not to fit in or please others
is not sustainable and can lead to shallow or unfulfilling
connections on both sides. Remember, true friendships are built on
mutual respect and acceptance of each other's true self. Be yourself,
with all your quirks, with all your dorkiness, whatever you
might have. And we all have imperfections, so don't try
(39:26):
to hide them initially, you know we try, but they
all come out if it's going to be a solid friendship.
When you're genuine, you attract people who appreciate you for
who you are, and that's really what we're looking for.
We are looking to be seen by somebody emotionally, and
we are looking to see somebody else authentically. Authenticity, guys,
(39:47):
fosters deep connections and it allows you to be vulnerable
and eventually, over time, share your true thoughts, feelings with
other people. This is key. The last one I'm going
to share with you is nerve sure your friendships. Don't
just forget about your friends when you have an event
with your signet and you just you've got a boyfriend
(40:07):
all of a sudden. I hear this often in my office.
People get a significant other and they drop their friends,
and then when that relationship doesn't work out, they're like,
oh my god, where are all my friends. You need
to nurture your relationships and that takes balance, juggling all
kinds of things in your life. But today, with texting,
and you know, I often say, oh my god, that's
(40:28):
not the way to stay connected. Primarily, but with two friendships,
when we don't have time, sending a heart, sending an
emoji of some sort lets that person know you're still
thinking of them, that you're busy with every day we are.
We don't often make time for our friends, but make
time for your true friends. Get together once a month,
organize you know, girls night or boys night or whatever
(40:49):
it is you got going. Time is our most valuable currency,
but time is really what's going to count when it
comes to building healthy, true connections with people. We are
all out of time before.
Speaker 1 (41:01):
We go, before we go, we got them a minute
here or so. Got to make sure to let everybody
know that they can get a hold of you through
basically through through Instagram.
Speaker 2 (41:10):
Yeah, I am available on Instagram. Guys. It's called ask
Anita Astley is my handle. You can send me a
DM or a comment, and I try to get to
all of them on the show, but it's not always possible.
There are a few questions today that I had about
friendship that I will talk about next week, because we're
going to talk about toxic friendships and how do we
get out of those toxic friendships when we realize finally
(41:33):
that we are in them, and we have all at
one point in our life, some point in our life,
being in them. But I want to wrap up today's
show by saying, look, it's okay if you're feeling like
you don't have any friends, and you know I hear
this in my office often. I'm such a loser. I
can't believe that I don't even have any friends. What
am I? It's okay. You think you're alone, you're not.
(41:55):
But what you've got to do is get out there
and off your phone. Virtual friends are not your true
real connections that you need to make in life. Start
off by taking the first step and join some kind
of organization. Do it and go out there and be
yourself and see what comes back to you. And if
that circle of people didn't work out for you, move
(42:17):
on to the next one. I will say to you.
There are seven billion people to choose from on this planets. Okay,
we have a lot of choice, but you just have
to choose to get out there. And friendships are key,
even if you're putting them. Listening to this, I don't
need friends, you absolutely do. Talk to you next time, guys.
Take care. Bye,
Relationships, whether romantic, platonic, familial, are complicated and can be
downright messy, bringing out the best and worst in all
of us. Here's an opportunity for you to learn effective,
concrete strategies to help you build healthy relationships from the
inside out. It's on Bleep Your Life and Relationships with
(00:21):
host Anita Ashland, psychotherapist of over twenty five years.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Hey guys, welcome to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships. I'm
your host, Anita Astley, psychotherapist of twenty five years and
published author of Unbleep Your Life and Relationships. The book
can be found on Amazon and Simon and Schuster and
bookstores and also Target and Walmart in other places. Just
google it, guys, google me, google my name. If you
(00:47):
are a first time listener. On the show, we talk
about all things related to mental health and relationships. Now
you might be thinking I'm not in a relationlationships, or
I'm not in a relationship. Sorry, I'll tell you something
you are. The first one is the one with yourself.
Chapter one of my book, I talk about self awareness.
(01:10):
How we have to have some self awareness before we
can play nicely with others in relationships. Today we are
going to be talking about a particular type of relationship
that I'm sure most of you have had some experience in. Now,
Before we get into that, I want to say when
I talk about relationship or I use that word relationships,
(01:31):
people automatically assume it's a romantic one, but it is not.
We are well sometimes it is, but it is not
always the case. Relationships are also the ones we have
with our parents, our family, siblings, our friends, our neighbors,
people we work with, So it's not an exclusive term
(01:53):
to romance. The one we're going to talk about today
is friendship. Friendships causes a lot of stress in people's lives.
So you know, relationships bring a lot of joy into
our lives, but they also bring a lot of negativity.
And if you've lived long enough like myself, you go
(02:14):
in and out of relationships. I've gone in and out
of relationships, and there are certain ones that I've always
gravitated back too, and that have always remained in my life,
lifelong relationships, but many have ended because mutually we've decided
that's the best way to go, or they've just kind
of dissipated over time because we've lost a sense of connection.
And I've moved. I don't know what about you, Greg, Well,
(02:36):
I was.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Just thinking about me being in radio for so long.
I've worked with so many people who were basically my
good friends while we were working. Yeah, but when they
split and they moved away, you never really kept in contact. Yeah,
it's kind of weird.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Well, I mean it was a working relationship. It wasn't
something a friendship that you had out of the office.
You know, Relationships, we either love them we hate them.
They make us feel confused. We are disappointed sometimes in them,
saddened by them. They off sometimes might you feeling depressed, hurt,
but also happy. They are vital. We need them. As
(03:13):
I've said before on this show, we are social creatures
and having contact with other people is vital part of
our mental and physical functioning. We need them even though
we may not want them, Guys, we need them for
a sense of contentment in our lives. We need to
be connected to other people. And I want to just
remind you, guys that relationships also friendships. I want to
(03:37):
emphasize today the type of relationship we're talking about our
friendships today. You have a role in every friendship that
you have which has gone south. You had a role
in that. If it didn't work out, you had a
role in that. Easy to blame the other person. But again, guys,
relationships are not linear. I repeat this throughout a lot
(03:58):
all the shows that we do together on the air
with Greg here, they are not linear. What does this mean? Greg?
Speaker 1 (04:06):
You got me put it.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
On theot on the hot seat. Sometimes they're not linear.
It's not one way. They are bi directional, meaning what
I do and say impacts you, and what you do
and say impacts me. And sometimes all that stuff goes sideways.
It doesn't always go the way we want it to go,
especially today in a world of you know, when we
text each other and the communication kind of is not straight,
(04:30):
nor is it direct. When it doesn't go well, we
tend to blame the other person. We really need to
look at the role we had, you know, and we
all have relationships that didn't work out. But a lot
of the people I work with in my office, they'll
often come into my office talking about how they have
been wronged by someone else. And you know, I can
listen to that one session, two session, three sessions, ten sessions.
(04:54):
I'm like, okay, wait a minute, we are going to
look at your role in what went wrong in this relationship,
so you don't repeat it. Because if we just keep
blaming somebody else for the things that didn't go right
in a friendship, then we are not going to learn
anything from that experience, and then we will continue to
make those mistakes in our future friendships. Because I'll tell
(05:16):
you something, you are going to have friendships. If you're
listening to this and say, I don't want to have
any friends. People have disappointed me for so many years
in my life. I am so done with that. I
hate people. I hear that all the time, Like no, no, no,
you don't hate people. You want to have friendships, but
you just don't know how anymore. And today, you know,
we have so many friends on Facebook, on social media period,
(05:39):
but again, are they really your friends? We're going to
talk about on this show today. What does it mean
to be a friend, How do I make new friends?
What do I need to do in the relationship for
it to be a good friendship. These are all the
things we need to think about when we are seeking friendships,
and we all are seeking friendships with some we need
(06:00):
to at least have one good friend in our life.
We don't need to have the quantity, but we do
need quality friendships. And you know, having I have a
daughter who's twenty one, I have a son who's twenty three,
and I'll tell you something, this whole term friendship takes
on a whole new meaning because they will Literally, my
daughter was telling me we were looking at something on
(06:21):
social media. She goes, Mom, look at all these people
with all these friends, and sometimes she'll feel bad that
she doesn't have all those friends, and I'm like, dude,
that's not reality. That's just a snapshot of a group
of people. This does not mean that they are close
intimate friends. Because sometimes when we look at that, my
young people that I work with today, I was just
talking to my daughter about it, they end up feeling
(06:43):
a sense of inadequacy that if I don't have this
group of friends, I'm not posting these kinds of pictures,
that there's something wrong with me. And I say to her, look, look, honey,
there are friends, and they're our friends. What does that mean.
They're real friendships that we have in our lives and
are just people that we kind of know to take
that photo with to post it on social media so
(07:05):
everybody else can think like, oh my god, she has
so many friends.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Yeah, you can. You bring up a good point too.
I've had you know, Facebook. You know you're talking twenty
thousand friends. Yeah, they say friends. Yeah, I know seven
of them. Yeah. To be honest with you, I know seven.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
And I'll tell you, guys, if you are one of
those people who have, like you know, thousands of friends
on Facebook, but don't really have any close friendships that
you can just go to coffee and hang out with,
you need to start thinking about what does the term
friendship means? And I know it means different things today
because of virtual relationships that we have over line, but
(07:40):
I think ultimately, as human beings, we need real friendships.
And what does a real friendship mean. It means that
we are mutually respectful towards the other person they are
towards us. There is a sense of trust, there is
some support, and there is a genuine connection. The most
important word you're going to hear today, a genuine connection
(08:03):
meaning emotional intimacy. And that's not exclusive to romantic relationships.
It's a vital aspect of all relationships. In our lives.
We need somebody and what is it. It's emotional being
emotionally naked. I've talked about this on the show numerous times.
We need to be emotionally naked, at least with one
friend in our life. And if we don't have that,
it's okay. If you're thinking I don't have that, Anita,
(08:25):
that makes me feel like, you know, really sad and depressed,
it's okay. You just have to learn how to get
that in your life. You can't order it on Amazon, unfortunately.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Can you get me a friend? You can you get
it for Prime too?
Speaker 2 (08:39):
Well, yeah, I don't know. Let's not even get into that,
but I'll tell you. I'm going to share an experience.
I have relocated multiple times in my life, to different countries,
to different states. It's you know, I talk about that
in my book, and that can be very challenging when
you're trying. When you're a person like myself, I used
to be very shy, but now I'm a pretty outgoing
person and people mean a great deal to me, and
(09:01):
friendships to me are really important. Of course, romantic relationship also,
but a friendship is key. It's very important. And having
to start over again and again and again can be
very difficult and it can be very isolating. But what
you have to do is I had to make an effort.
I have to go out there, and then I have
to tell my kids the same thing I said. Listen,
friends are not going to come knocking on your door.
(09:23):
You have to go out there and seek them. I'm
going to talk a little bit more about that in
depth to help some of you guys who might be
struggling with that. But I just want to say before
we get into the other stuff. We need them and
if you think you don't, you're in denial. If you
think you don't, then you've been hurt by somebody really
badly in your life that you don't think you need them,
and that not needing them is really a defensive reaction.
(09:47):
It's because you've been hurt. Can you relate to that?
Speaker 1 (09:50):
Craig Girl, I've got a story about a high school
friend of mine. Go ahead, let's go to a break first.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Oh should we Okay? Well, we'll be back after these messages.
Talk about friends ships.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
Everyone strives for healthier relationships. Here's more of Unbleep Your
Life and Relationships on News Talk eleven thirty wisn.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Hey, guys, welcome back to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.
I'm your host, Anita Ashley, psychotherapist of twenty five years
and plus. We are talking about friendships today. It is
a very different type of relationships and I want to
a relationship, and I want to remind you guys again,
I say this repeatedly that relationship the term is not
(10:35):
exclusive to romantic ones. It is very inclusive to friendship.
And Greg just we before we went to break it
was going to share a story.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Go ahead, Greg, Well, you know this goes back how
many years? I graduated in nineteen seventy nine, so that
tells you how long? How long ago? This was lifelong friend.
Jocko Majoco is my buddy through high school, played football
together and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, he went
off to college. I stayed around the area, that's back home.
He came back one night and I had to work
the next morning, and he goes, come out, let's go party,
(11:05):
Let's go party, come out. I gotta get up in
the morning. Yeah I can't, well, bank you bleep you
and walked away. Yeah, And we never talked after that ever. Ever,
we never, ever, I tried to reach out to him
on Facebook. Yeah, he just alienated me. And where to
this day, I don't know. Is it because I wouldn't
(11:26):
go out and party with him, or is it something else?
Speaker 2 (11:28):
Well, it sounds like he felt rejected by you, But
it sounds like he was trying to reconnect with the
friendship that you had years ago. But you changed over time.
He's still partying like he used to maybe when you know,
But isn't that funny?
Speaker 1 (11:42):
It's still to this day it still bothers me, like,
what did I do? What did I say?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
I'm not well. I would say to you that it
sounds like it's not something that you did wrong. Both
of you changed, and what you needed at that earlier
on in your relationship years and years ago is not
clearly is not what you needed at this point in
time in the relationship. So relationships change, and some of
them over time, it's okay that they don't exist anymore
(12:07):
because the needs of the friendship have changed and you
were disconnected for a long time. He tried to come
here and connect with you in a way that you
were not wanting to connect in the way anymore. You're
much older and you want to do that anymore because
you had responsibilities. So friendships change over time. People evolve
over time, and sometimes we become incompatible, and it's knowing
(12:30):
when to adjust those expectations in a friendship. And sometimes
it might be that, you know, we can't be friends anymore,
and that's okay. You know it's over a long period
of time. He came in, it didn't work out. We
need to be able to distinguish between what's a true friend,
what's a superficial friend, and what is a toxic relationship.
I hear that term all the time in my office.
I'm in this toxic friendship with this person. But we
(12:52):
just keep going on and on and on in this
and I don't know how to get out of it.
But what are some of the key things in a
healthy relationship that's a friendship? What do you think, Greg,
what is the essence?
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Something in common?
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yeah, that's usually what brings people together, something we have
in common, and that is the way to nurture and
build emotional intimacy, the connection in our relationship. And that's
one of the key ways of Like I move several
times throughout the country, throughout the stage, and the one
of the ways I made friends is I joined a club.
And you know, I like running, so I joined a
(13:27):
running club and then I met people who shared in
that interest, but I also met people who you know,
shared in the interest, but we weren't really compatible. So
although I can bring you together initially, it doesn't always
sustain and maintain the relationship. Now, friendship, of course, is
a bond that goes beyond mere acquaintance or social obligations
or you know, activities that you do together. Unlike family,
(13:50):
it is a voluntary relationship. So when people are really
struggling in friendships to the max words causing them sleepless nights,
I always remind people, guys, this is a voluntary relationship.
It is not kind of the relationship you have with
your family. You're you know, like we don't choose our family,
so we sometimes have to see them. But if you're
(14:11):
in a relationship voluntarily, which is a friendship, and it's
not going well, you have options. You're not stuck. You
might feel stuck, but you're not stuck. What do you think?
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Move on?
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Move on? So again, voluntary relationship not involuntary. Now, true
friends with those with whom we feel a deep connection.
As I shared earlier, emotional intimacy is the bedrock of
all healthy relationships, including friendships. People who understand us and
with whom we share our thoughts, our fears and dreams.
(14:43):
Without this is key judgment friend True friends, real friends
don't judge you for the mistakes that you're about to make,
for the mistakes that you're making, the mistakes that you've
made in the past. They are there to support you now.
They might, you know, give you ask on what do
you think. They will listen to you what you know.
They will give you advice, They will give you some opinions,
(15:06):
but they will not judge you for making your own decisions.
They'll stand by you. It's a true friend is really
I remember, you know, a long time ago, I had
some issues with one my significant other, and I called up.
You know, she's still my best friend today, and she
really did what a true friend is supposed to do.
She listened to me rather than tell me what I
(15:27):
should do. And also rather than jump on the bandwagon.
You know people do that all the time. Oh yeah,
he's soul. You should totally leave him, you shouldn't be
with him. She didn't do any of that. She gave
me her opinion, but she also said, this is something
you've got to decide on your own. You got to
work this out. But you know she also kind of
played devil's advocate and you know, kind of said, well,
maybe he's thinking from this perspective, you're coming from this perspective.
(15:50):
A real friend is there to help you work it out.
But most importantly their help, they're there to listen to
you and then not tell you what to do, and
also not get upset with you if you don't, you know,
listen to any of their advice. But they serve the
primary function of being there for you.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
What do you think, Oh, yeah, and if you're looking
for advice, you could ask for it.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Yeah, and they're not going to offended if you don't
take it. There are the people who stand by you
during your best of times and the worst of times,
offering encouragement and support. This is where you will really
learn of your friendships in life. It's in the midst
of a crisis, but also in the midst of something
that goes wonderful for you. So it's not just sharing
(16:31):
bad news, it's also sharing good news. Be cautious of that, people,
So why would you say that. Of course, my friends
want to know the good news and they're going to
be so happy for me. Not all people are going
to be happy for you. Those sometimes who come disguised
as friends are not really your friends.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Jealous yes, and.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Jealousy will kill Actually, you know, thank you for bringing
that up. Jealousy is the number one red flag. If
you are friends with, say, and you're sensing there's some
jealousy there. That is not a real friend. That is
somebody who's there to kind of listen, take it in
and not be truly happy for you. So be cautious
(17:12):
and with who you share good news with. Also, you
know that I'm on social media and I get all
kinds of you know, people who are not my friends,
who know they they pretended to be my friends off
of social media, and then you know, I moved a
few times, and then you know, we don't. We've lost
that connection. I tried. Maybe they tried and didn't work out.
But when I share good news, they never send me
(17:35):
any comment that's positive. They just ignore it. So I'm like, okay,
So when I'm in when I'm in a crisis or
something bad is happening and we go, oh my God,
tell me what happened. They want to know that, but
they don't want to know the good news. So that
tells me they're not really my good friends and they're
not sending me positive jujus. But I always find it
interesting that they got to stock my page anyway. But
(17:57):
that tells me right away, Okay, you're not really my friend,
because if you're really my friend, you'd say, oh my god,
you published a book. That's amazing. I'm so happy for you.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
Even you know you direct message you know DM you
and say hey, congratulations. You have to put it on
Facebook or or Instagram or anything DM me.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
So we can have a lot of people in our
lives that we think are our friends, but we need
to sometimes step back and ask ourselves, Okay, who's really
in this crowd of ten maybe or five or whatever
the number is for you? Who is in this crowd
that I can call when I'm in a crisis or
I have some really great news to share and they're
(18:34):
truly going to celebrate with me. True friends celebrate our
successes without jealousy, support us in our failures without judgment.
They offer honest feedback even when it's uncomfortable, because they
genuinely care about our well being and growth. If you
have one person in your life who can do that,
(18:55):
you're doing pretty well. I'll tell you that.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Now, look, do I have anyd like that?
Speaker 2 (19:03):
Well, you you might, and you're gonna have to look closer.
And if you don't, maybe at this point in time
you don't need that. But I always think that we
need a friend that is not our significant other because
that one person and it puts a lot of pressure
on that person can feel that they can't satisfy you
(19:24):
in every aspect of your life. And this is so true.
I truly believe this. If we expect everything from the
person that we're romantically involved in, it's a little problematic
because no one person I believe can fulfill our needs
and expectations emotionally, and they're different. Like what my partner
does for me emotionally is not the same as what
(19:46):
my best girlfriend does for me. I can't share the
same amount of stuff even though we're intimate emotionally close,
I have a healthy relationship. I need to be able
to have somebody else outside that romantic relationship that's a
true friend who I can go to with all my
other stuff.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
So, in other words, you need somebody to help you
bury the body.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
Yeah, yeah, that can't just be my significant other. Has
to be somebody else that I can trust and respect
and it's mutual. Okay, let's continue the conversation the importance
of friendship today. Guys, we'll be back after these messages.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Anita Ashley has more advice on how to on bleep
your Life and Relationships on news Talk eleven thirty wys.
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Hey, guys, welcome back to Unbleep your Life and Relationships.
I'm your host, Anita Astley, psychotherapist of twenty five years.
Today we're talking about the importance of friendships in our lives.
People often say I don't need friends. However, in my experience,
that's just a defensive reaction because they've had a negative
experience with someone. A friendship is crucial for our emotional
(20:57):
and psychological well being. Good friends provide a sense of belonging.
They reduce stress, believe it or not, overall reduce stress.
You might not be thinking that right now if you're
having an issue with one of your friends. They do
increase our happiness overall. The other important thing that they
do they also help us navigate the challenges of life
(21:17):
by offering perspective, advice and a shoulder to lean on
when we need it. That you know, sometimes our significant
other cannot provide. Now, studies have shown conclusively throughout years
that strong relationships can improve our physical health by reducing
the risk of depression, lowering blood pressure, and even increasing
(21:38):
our lifespan. Think about that when we are alone, when
we are feeling lonely, this has a huge impact on
our physical self, not only our mental self. Friendships also
play a critical role in our personal development. They challenge us.
I don't know about you, Greg, but my good friends
always challenges challenge me through some times conflict that we're
(22:00):
having that we're able to resolve, which helps me to
learn and grow and become a better version of myself.
I don't know, have people done that in your life
that are.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Your friends in the past? Sure? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
And through those interactions with friends, we learn about empathy,
We learn to communicate better. Sometimes our communications skills are
not so good, but hopefully through meaningful relationships we can
learn to do that better. Now, friendships also expose us
to different viewpoints of that I was saying, If we
just stay in a linear path, we're not going to grow,
(22:32):
We're not going to learn about new experiences. Broadening our
understanding of the world is done through collaboration with other
people through deep relationships with people that we have in
our life. Most importantly, I think what we learn from
our relationships how to resolve conflict. Now, you guys listening
today might be thinking, Okay, I haven't had much conflict
(22:53):
in my friendships, but I'll tell you something. Maybe you
need to go to a deeper level. Because any time
we have a friend, a true friend, they are eventually
going to challenge us in some way and we're gonna
hopefully grow from that challenge. And I've talked about that before.
When we have a conflict in our friendship like we're
talking about today, it is an opportunity for that relationship
(23:16):
to become deeper. How are we able to resolve this?
And if we can resolve it well, we'll have a
greater sense of emotional intimacy with that person. If we
can't resolve it well, but that friendship is no longer
going to exist, possibly or it's going to go down
a negative path, or it's just going to stay at
that level of intimacy, emotional intimacy. Always, when there's a
(23:37):
conflict in a relationship, in a friendship, it is an
opportunity for growth. It's an opportunity to get closer, or
it's an opportunity and as an opportunity to say, this
relationship is really not going to work. Now. Characteristics, people
always say, what are characteristics of a true friendship? Number one,
there's got to be mutual respect in a and trust
(24:00):
in a real relationship. Both parties respect each other's boundaries,
they respect each other's opinions, and mostly they respect each
other's differences. Now, how many times I listen to people
and I'm watching people at parties or whatever. They're trying
to convince their friend to think and feel a certain way.
That's not cool. That's not respecting the differences in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (24:21):
Judgment.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Yeah, it's a lot of judgment.
Speaker 1 (24:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
And of course we can't talk about good characteristics of
true friendships without talking about trust. Trust is a cornerstone
of any healthy relationship. And you should feel confident that
your friend will keep your secrets. You know, like you said,
where are we going to bury the body? That's that
person that's your true friend. You should always honor their
promises and make promises to them that you can also
(24:47):
keep by being by showing that you're a good friend yourself,
be reliable when they need you, and you will get
that back. Another feature is support and encouragement. If their
true friends are going to support you, they're definitely going
to encoura you through some of the most difficult times
in your life. And again, guys, we don't need a
group of people that we can call our friends. Yeah,
(25:07):
they can be our party friends, but we just need
one or two people in our life that we can
go to when we need support, when we need encouragement.
The other factor is honesty and openness. With a true friend,
you should be able to say what you really think
and what you really feel without feeling that they're going
to judge you, without feeling that they're going to criticize you,
(25:29):
without feeling that they're going to take what you've shared
to somebody else. Going back into trust, consistency, we don't
often think about that, but a real friend is there
for you consistently, not just when it's convenient for them.
I hear about this all the time. Oh, I you know,
I call her and she's never there for me, But
when she needs me, I'm always there for her. I
(25:49):
feel used. Yeah, if you have a person like that
in your life that you think is a real friend,
You've got to start examining that relationship because if they
cannot consistently be there for you, that's not a true fan.
Of course, sometimes life happens and they can't. But most
of the time, I know with my best friend, she
can call me anytime, anywhere and I'll be like, Okay,
(26:10):
I got to be there for you. I will drop
everything and I will go to her. And she's done that.
And she actually has done that for me when I've
been in the middle of a crisis. I'm like, who
am I gonna call even when we're in the middle
of a conflict, And she did that for me. Not
long ago, we were having some I don't know, in hindsight,
it was not that relevant, it was not that important,
but you know, we had all thing going on. But
(26:31):
then I had a major crisis happen in my life
and I just called her up. She said, get your
butt over here. I went over there, and that conflict
of whatever we were dealing with before didn't matter because
that got dropped because what was happening in my life
at the time took precedent. That is true friendship. Now
the other one, reciprocity Reciprocity is key in relationships. I
(26:54):
will tell you something, people will often say to me,
Oh no, no, it's okay. I'm a giver. This is
what I do, and you know I'd like to give
people bs. I'm gonna confident now we all have a ledger. Okay.
Reciprocity is a key ingredient in a healthy friendship. You
can't always be giving and getting nothing back. Okay, it's
(27:15):
okay to want to have something back in a friendship.
We all need that back so we feel good like
there's a balance. Balance is key in all relationships, and
in particular in friendships, because if I'm calling you all
the time with my problems, but I don't make any
time for you when you're gonna call me with your problems,
there is no reciprocity and that relationship ship is not
(27:37):
healthy and it's not going to last a very long time.
I think we should just do a whole show on reciprocity.
There's got to be also shared values and interest. If
we have nothing in common and our values are very different,
it is not going to be a true friendship. The
other one is empathy and understanding. We have to be
able to empathize with another our true friend and understand
(28:00):
their position. Now, that's often sometimes difficult to do because
we might have never experienced what our true friend is
going through. But there is a way of communicating that
without having to have the as if experience. It's sitting there,
it's listening to them. It's trying to have a sense
of understanding without judgment. You know. Judgment is one of
(28:21):
those things guys, and also jealousy that Greg mentioned earlier.
If you feel judged, if you feel that the person
that you thought was your true friend is jealous of you,
then again you've got to reevaluate that friendship. And I'll
tell you it's not getting rid of it. I often
say to people, we don't need to get rid of
that friendship. All we need to do is adjust our
(28:43):
expectations of it. I often do that, Okay, I thought
you were in this category of friends, but you're really not.
You're now going to go up to category number two.
I like you, but you're really not a true friend
that I can truly rely on. There is a difference
of you know, relationship. It's like a you know, we
have a number of people in our lives, but we
(29:03):
need to be able to distinguish between a true friend
that I can call when amnut of crisis or the
party friends. You know, I want to have a party.
I'm gonna call a whole bunch of people and we're
gonna have a lot of fun. We need to be
able to differentiate between those two. And sometimes I hear
this often in my office. I thought she was a
really good friend of mine. I thought he was a
really good friend of mine, But it turns out that
(29:26):
they're not. And I want to say to you, it's okay.
These are just life's lessons. We are not always at
the same place that another person is, and that's okay.
Doesn't mean they're a bad person. That relationship has had
its time, and maybe you were close at one point
in life, but you're not close anymore than I just
your expectations. If the relationship gives you something, but it's
(29:48):
not really that deep, meaningful relationship that it was maybe
at one point, then it's in a different category. We
don't have to get rid of the relationship altogether.
Speaker 1 (29:59):
Degrees of basically to agree is a friendship.
Speaker 2 (30:02):
Adjusting our needs and expectations is key in friendships, also
as it is in romantic relationship. And that's okay because
people change over time. We change over time, our needs
and expectations change over time. Therefore, friendship change over time.
And it might be that you're closer with one person
you know, say you know person A, you were close
(30:24):
to them twenty years ago, and then you kind of
went in and out of each other's lives, but through
social media you reconnected again and then you have that
deep connection again with that person. So friendship, guys, you know,
I just shared the major characteristics of a true friend friendship,
I should say, and people in your life, and I
(30:45):
just want to say before we go to commercial, it's
okay to adjust the needs and expectations of friendship. That's normal,
that's healthy because we all change and evolve over time,
as do friendships. We'll talk more about that when we
come back from this, right. Thank you, guys.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Back to Unbleep your Life and Relationships on News Talking
eleven thirty WYSAD.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
Welcome back to and Bleep your Life and Relationships. I'm
your host, Anita Astley. Today we are talking about friendships,
this particular type of relationship, and guys, you might be
thinking I don't need friends. I don't want any friends.
That's only because you, somewhere along the line, have been
hurt by another person. We are social creatures and we
(31:29):
all need friends. And guess what it takes the burden
off I'm going to say, the burden of our significant
other to be responsible for all our happiness, for all
our joy, for all our desires. We need to be
able to take some of those things to another person,
to a group of friends. And of course we all
need one really good friend in our life. We do.
(31:53):
And if you're listening to this and saying, well, I
want that, but I don't know how to do it, well,
here are some concrete things that you can do today
to get that going. And the first one you're not
going to say, Okay, we're gonna not talk about the
virtual friends that you think you have. I want you, guys,
to build solid relationships, keep you know, face to face,
go out and meet somebody. Number one, Be open and approachable.
(32:17):
What does that mean? Be open and approachable. One of
the first steps in making friends is to be open
and approachable. People are more likely to engage with someone
who appears friendly, positive, and open to conversation. This doesn't
mean you have to be an extrovert now because your
personality is gonna not change or you have to overly talk.
(32:39):
They mean that there's nothing more uncomfortable than watching somebody
and go like la, It's not that, but rather just
be open to meeting new people and willing to engage
in social situation. Showing up is important showing an interest
in other people's lives by asking questions. Now, who doesn't
want to talk about themselves? Most people want to talk
about themselves. Sure, ask them a question, ask them something
(33:03):
about what they did or what they're interested in other
than what they do for a living. People don't always
want to talk.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
I was just going to jump into that, So look
for something else.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
Yeah, look for something else if you, and especially you
might know that person or what they do. If you're
going to a party, I know them. You know Greg's
a radio host, but ask them about something other than
that in his life. This creates a positive impression of
you and encourages further interaction. I want to know about you,
and I want to walk away with something at the
end of this party that's new that I know about you.
(33:33):
Be approachable.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
You could say something like, well, if you're at somebody's
house and you see fish on the wall or so
that was easy, like fish, where do you fish? You know?
Do you go up north? Do you go a little small?
Speaker 2 (33:44):
Like yeah, start a conversation. It's not all when you're
trying to make a friend. It's not about you. It's
about learning about other people. How do you know when
you've been successful? I always say, if you can walk
away with a few contacts and can state one fact
you know about that person that you didn't know before,
you have been successful. There you go. There's here's a
(34:05):
little marker that you could even give yourself a grade
number two. Be mindful of your body language. This is
so important now when I walk into a room and
I see, hope people with their arms crossed. No, no, no,
How we present ourselves physically, people get an impression from that,
and simple gestures like smiling, making eye contact, maintaining an
(34:28):
open posture can make you appear more approachable. Don't cross
your arms. I can't stand that when people stand there
with their arms closed, and I've been with people who
do that, I'm like, can you please not do this?
This is not inviting them, like, well, I don't know
what to do with my arms I'm like, here, hold
this glass of water. Do something other than crossing your arms,
because it is it's a very closed body language. Don't
(34:52):
do it. Hold something, do something else with your hands.
When you have your arms closed. Sorry, it literally says
you're not to people. It's a very negative physical vibe
that you're sending to other people. It's not just what
we say, guys, it's how we present ourselves, how we
present our body, our gestures. Physical gestures are very important.
(35:15):
Another thing you can do is take initiative. Like I
said shared earlier, friends are not going to come knocking
on my door. I relocated a few times. I had
to go out there. I had to take the initiative,
reach out, make some cold calls to you know, I'm
a therapist, so I reached out to other therapists in
the area. It's not always easy for people to do,
but make that call that you're afraid to make. You
(35:36):
got to be proactive in extending invitations to other people.
Don't just be waiting for people to come to you.
People often do that while waiting for that person to
call me, and like, why why are you Why shouldn't
they take the initiative. If you're interested in building a
relationship with this person, take the initiative. Call them. If
they don't respond, Yes, it's going to be hurtful. Yes
(35:57):
you're going to feel rejected. But then you can at
least move on. You're not waiting anymore. I don't like
this waiting game. I don't know, and I've never done
that myself. I don't wait. I'm pretty proactive. If it
doesn't work out, I'm like, Okay, didn't work out, so
I got to move on. Another one is find common interest.
We talked about this. Join a group like meetup dot
com is a great organization you can if you like running,
(36:19):
they have a running group, and then you can join
that running group. And guess what if in that group
of you know, the coherts, you didn't have a connection
with anybody. Find another another group that perhaps runs in
your community. Find somebody who has a common interest, Find
an organization who has a common interest, and you know,
I don't want to put poo. You know, social media
and stuff, because it has benefits. Join one online that's local,
(36:43):
and then slowly meet them in person, have a coffee.
Take the initiative finding common interests. As I was just saying,
the other one is be a good listener. So yes,
of course, when we communicate, when we're trying to make friends,
it's good to be an active listener. But it's also
good to be an active communicators. So we need to
be a good listener active listener, and we need to
(37:04):
be a good communicator meeting, share a little bit also
about our life. Now, don't just take the conversation hostage,
because people do that. They you know, ask a question,
then they bring it back to themselves and blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah. No, when in trying to
make friends, you want to learn about something. Somebody new
in your life and you want to learn something different.
(37:25):
Another thing is build trust and be a reliable person. Now,
I know a trust in a relationship, of course takes time.
So spend time with somebody, invest time with somebody, and
be also reliable when they call on you, like it's
not always Hey, when you want to go running that
that person should be available for you. Are you available
(37:46):
for them? Maybe you don't feel like running and you
can say, well it's not a running day for me,
but hey, i'd love to get together with you. Maybe
we can go for a walk.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
After you're done running, I'll have some coffee with you.
Speaker 2 (37:57):
I'll have some coffee with you. It's not my day,
but you know, let's do that. The other one is
be patient and be persistent. People think, like you know,
we live in this world where everything is it should
happen so quickly, right away. We should be immediately gratified.
Building a solid friendship a true friendships takes time. Be
patient and be persistent. Don't give up. Making friends doesn't
(38:21):
happen overnight. Again, patience Building a meaningful connection guys, you
know it takes time. It's important not to rush the process.
Be patient with yourself and others as you navigate the
complexities of forming new friendships. And friendships are complicated, but
at the beginning, it is really about getting to know
the other person and sharing something about yourself. Now, if
(38:44):
one attempt at making a friend doesn't work out, don't
be discouraged. Keep putting yourself out there and trying new things.
With time, effort, and this is key. A positive attitude.
You'll find people who appreciate your company and want to
build a lasting friendship with you. The other one is
be your authenticity is crucial in any friendship. Trying to
(39:04):
be someone you're not to fit in or please others
is not sustainable and can lead to shallow or unfulfilling
connections on both sides. Remember, true friendships are built on
mutual respect and acceptance of each other's true self. Be yourself,
with all your quirks, with all your dorkiness, whatever you
might have. And we all have imperfections, so don't try
(39:26):
to hide them initially, you know we try, but they
all come out if it's going to be a solid friendship.
When you're genuine, you attract people who appreciate you for
who you are, and that's really what we're looking for.
We are looking to be seen by somebody emotionally, and
we are looking to see somebody else authentically. Authenticity, guys,
(39:47):
fosters deep connections and it allows you to be vulnerable
and eventually, over time, share your true thoughts, feelings with
other people. This is key. The last one I'm going
to share with you is nerve sure your friendships. Don't
just forget about your friends when you have an event
with your signet and you just you've got a boyfriend
(40:07):
all of a sudden. I hear this often in my office.
People get a significant other and they drop their friends,
and then when that relationship doesn't work out, they're like,
oh my god, where are all my friends. You need
to nurture your relationships and that takes balance, juggling all
kinds of things in your life. But today, with texting,
and you know, I often say, oh my god, that's
(40:28):
not the way to stay connected. Primarily, but with two friendships,
when we don't have time, sending a heart, sending an
emoji of some sort lets that person know you're still
thinking of them, that you're busy with every day we are.
We don't often make time for our friends, but make
time for your true friends. Get together once a month,
organize you know, girls night or boys night or whatever
(40:49):
it is you got going. Time is our most valuable currency,
but time is really what's going to count when it
comes to building healthy, true connections with people. We are
all out of time before.
Speaker 1 (41:01):
We go, before we go, we got them a minute
here or so. Got to make sure to let everybody
know that they can get a hold of you through
basically through through Instagram.
Speaker 2 (41:10):
Yeah, I am available on Instagram. Guys. It's called ask
Anita Astley is my handle. You can send me a
DM or a comment, and I try to get to
all of them on the show, but it's not always possible.
There are a few questions today that I had about
friendship that I will talk about next week, because we're
going to talk about toxic friendships and how do we
get out of those toxic friendships when we realize finally
(41:33):
that we are in them, and we have all at
one point in our life, some point in our life,
being in them. But I want to wrap up today's
show by saying, look, it's okay if you're feeling like
you don't have any friends, and you know I hear
this in my office often. I'm such a loser. I
can't believe that I don't even have any friends. What
am I? It's okay. You think you're alone, you're not.
(41:55):
But what you've got to do is get out there
and off your phone. Virtual friends are not your true
real connections that you need to make in life. Start
off by taking the first step and join some kind
of organization. Do it and go out there and be
yourself and see what comes back to you. And if
that circle of people didn't work out for you, move
(42:17):
on to the next one. I will say to you.
There are seven billion people to choose from on this planets. Okay,
we have a lot of choice, but you just have
to choose to get out there. And friendships are key,
even if you're putting them. Listening to this, I don't
need friends, you absolutely do. Talk to you next time, guys.
Take care. Bye,
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