Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Relationships weather, romantic, platonic, familiar are complicated and can be
downright messy, bringing out the best and worst in all
of us. Here's an opportunity for you to learn effective,
concrete strategies to help you build healthy relationships from the
inside out. It's on Bleep Your Life and Relationships with
(00:21):
host Anita Asling, psychotherapist of over twenty five years.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Hey, guys, welcome to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships. I'm
your host, Anita Astley. I'm a psychotherapist of twenty five
years and plus and recently came out with a book
called Unbleep Your Life and Relationships. Unbleep is not the
word on the cover, but it's a word that I
can't say on air. Greg is in studio with me.
How are you, Greg, I'm good.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
I'm ready to go with the dumb button in case
you do your case.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
I care too, I haven't slipped yet. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Well, you've been really good.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I've been good.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
On this show we talk about all things relationship related
and of course mental health. We can talk about mental
health and not talk about relationships. As I always say,
our mental health hinges on the quality of the relationships
we have meaning that if our relationships are not going
(01:15):
too well, our mental health generally suffers the to go
hand in hand. We've been covering a lot of interesting subjects.
If you guys have been listening so far. If you're
new to the show, welcome, Welcome, welcome. If you are
looking for me outside of studio and want to send
me some questions and comments about some of the stuff
we've done. I am most active on Instagram and the
(01:38):
handle is ask Anita Ashley send me a DM because
I have a lot of questions to well. I have
a lot of questions, but I don't always get to them.
I promise that eventually I will. Today we are going
to be talking again about friendships, but toxic friendships. Last
week I did a whole show on friendships and the
(01:58):
importance of friendships. I'll tell you, people say I don't
need friendships, I don't need people, I don't need any
of that stuff, Anita, I say, you might feel that way,
you might think that way, but to me clinically, and
I've been there personally myself, it is just a defensive
reaction because somewhere in our lives we have been hurt
(02:20):
by somebody else. We are by natural nature excuse me,
social creatures, and we need that from mental health and
also for our physical health. We know when we are touched,
when we are in the community, the presence of other people,
our brain releases that free dopamine that we all need
to feel good. It's not out of a bottle, it's
(02:40):
free anyway. I want to get to two questions today
if I can, but we might just focus on the
one that came in about toxic friendships. I'm sure, I'm
fifty five. I've been in those toxic friendships and relationships
and they're complicated and very difficult to sometimes recognize and
(03:01):
also to get out of. We don't know what to
do with them. But before I give too much away,
let me get to my question. Greg, you look like
you want to say something.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Oh no, no, I'm waiting to hear this because I
know there's a lot of toxic relationships.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Are toxic people out there we sometimes get into relationships with, Okay,
So let's get to it. Question number one. I think
this might dominate the whole show today. Here we go.
Thank you, by the way for everyone who sends in
their questions. Question number one, Anita, I have been friends
with this person for twenty years. We met in college,
(03:37):
and I would say we are still very close, but
I question whether she is still a good friend as
things are not how they used to be, meaning I
often walk away feeling yucky, sometimes feeling used. Everything seems
to be about her, and when I share something about myself,
(03:58):
instead of listening to me, she brings it all back
to her. I feel she's always well, also competitive. Any
anytime I share something good I've done, she seems jealous
and somehow brings it back to something about what she's done.
I do love her because I've known her for so long,
but I question whether I should be in this relationship
(04:20):
or not. I'm not sure I want to be friends.
At times with her, it feels toxic. One of my
friends who I shared this story with says it is toxic,
and then I need to do something about this relationship, Anita,
What should I do? I feel stuck, and sometimes I
think I might be exaggerating the situation. I'm not sure
(04:41):
I played. I played the conversations over and over again
in my head. I don't want to lose the friendship.
I'm really not sure what to do. I am sad
about the situation. Please help Wow that there is a
lot to unpack there, and I just want to say
thank you so much for sharing this with us and
(05:03):
our listeners, and let's see what we can do with that.
You want to say anything before if I would want
to say about this, Okay, First, I want to say,
if you feeling that it's a toxic relationship, it probably is.
If you're feeling that you're maybe exaggerating some of this
(05:24):
stuff and you keep replaying all these scenarios in your head,
there's probably a legitimate reason for you to be doing that.
We at some point need to trust our gut. Often
we don't trust our gut, and we second second guess ourselves.
But I'll tell you just because it's a long relationship,
it's been a relationship that you've been in for a
(05:46):
long time, it doesn't mean that the relationship must continue. Sometimes,
like a bad habit, we need to get rid of
the bad habit and develop some new ones. And sometimes
we need to get rid of some of those relationships
in our lives that are causing us more to stress.
Then Joy, But let's talk about the concept of a
toxic relationship. What is a toxic relationship? Ending a toxic
(06:09):
friendship is a difficult process in and of itself, but
it's a necessary step to protect your mental and emotional
well being. We do it for ourselves. Toxic friendships are
characterized by specific behaviors, and they're emotionally and it sounds
like with this person emotionally draining. They can be very
(06:30):
manipulative and of course harmful to us, but also harmful
to the other person. They don't always know it, because
they are just acting in a way that's not appropriate.
And the more people just accept that about them, the
more harm it does, not only to the relationship the receiving,
the person who's receiving that friendship, but also the one
who's in it. I always think when people are like that,
(06:52):
my question, well, I'm a therapist, so my natural nature
is always to question, like, what happened to you that
you're behaving this way? And if we want to use
the term toxic as we are today, what happened to
you that you're so toxic? Who hurts you so badly
that you have to behave this way and treat other
people this way? That's a whole another show, but let's
get back to this now. As the person who sent
(07:15):
in the question describe these type of the relationship. This
can leave you feeling stressed, anxious, and undervalued, which is
which sounds like what this person is feeling now. Recognizing
when a friendship has become toxic and taking steps to
end it is crucial for maintaining our overall happiness and health.
So congratulations for you know listening to your gut. Your
(07:38):
gut is kind of saying I'm not sure. And the
word yucky is a great word because if you walk
out of that conversation, and most of the time when
you spend time with that person, it starts to feel yucky.
That's your body and mind saying to you, maybe this
is toxic and you need to do something about it.
Our body and mind tells us something, and we need
to listen to it at times rather than ignore. Right now,
(08:01):
let's get back to what this really means. Toxic friendships again,
Guys can manifest in various ways. It's just not one scenario,
but some common signs include consistent negativity. Just like this
person was sharing. If your friend constantly brings negativity into
your life, whether through criticism, pessimism, or drama, it can
(08:24):
it is emotionally exhausting. A toxic friend might always focus
on the negative and dismiss your feelings or belittle your achievements,
like if you're sharing something good about yourself, they always
bring it back to themselves and have nothing positive to say.
If you guys listening out there, this is sounding familiar
to you, and you have somebody in your life, take note.
(08:46):
Your body and mind is telling you something. Manipulation. Toxic
friends often manipulate situations to their advantage, making you feel
guilty like somehow you have something to feel bad about
and and or somehow that you're obligated to do things
that you're uncomfortable with. They might use emotional blackmail sometimes
(09:07):
like oh, yeah, you never show up with me, You're
never really hear from me when you might be feeling, Hey,
I'm always here for you whenever you actually need me.
Guilt tripping a huge part of a toxic relationship, always
making you feel guilty somehow. And the other one, this one,
you know, I've done shows on this one and this
is my pet peeve and behavior and I always say
(09:28):
it's not the person, but it's the behavior. Passive aggressive
behavior to control you. They can't directly tell you what
they think and what they feel, but they make passive
aggressive comments. That is so manipulative. And people do that
because they don't know how to deal with their own
negative thoughts and their own negative feelings, so they couch them.
(09:51):
If we want an example, you might be thinking, what's
an example of that, Well, it's when people won't say
Somebody might say to you, you know, I call you
and you never call me back, or I call you,
You're never free, you're out with your friends. They can't
directly say hey, you know I'm missing you. I'd like
to spend some time with you. When are you free.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Oh, I see what you're saying. So you're saying you
call you know, I try to call you and you're
never there.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
You never should say well, hey, well let's take some
time to talk.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
You're never there for me. I'm always there for you,
or oh yeah, I saw you were out with Nancy
yesterday and you know, I wish you would make time
for me. Why not just say hey, I miss you,
I would like to spend some time with you. They
directly cannot deal with their aggressive feelings, so they have
to couch them. Another one is a lack of support.
Now in a healthy friendship, support is mutual. However, in
(10:40):
a toxic friendship friendship, excuse me, you might find that
you're always the one giving support without receiving it in return.
Reciprocity friends is an important part of a healthy relationship.
Your friend might be absent during your tough times or
unsupportive of your successes. Reciprocity is key. We need to
(11:01):
give in a relationship and a friendship, and we need
to get something back. The other one she mentioned in
here is jealousy and competition sign of toxicity. A toxic
friend may feel jealous of your accomplishments and may try
to compete with you Rather than celebrating your successes. They
might undermine your confidence and spread rumors, or in some
(11:24):
way sabotage your effort. Now the question said that she said,
you know, I always sens there some jealousy in this competition.
When I talk about something that I've done, she has
to bring in something about herself, a true sign of
a toxic relationship. We are going to continue this conversation
when we come back from these messages. Thanks guys for
(11:46):
tuning in today.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Everyone strives for healthier relationships. Here's more of UNLEEP Your
Life and Relationships on news Talk eleven th wis.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Hey, guys, welcome back to Bleep Your Life and Relationships.
I'm your host Anita Asklee, psychotherapist of twenty five years
and plus. Today we are talking about toxic friendships. We
had a question that came in from my Instagram. If
you guys want to send me any questions in comments
for future shows, the handle is ask Anita ask Lee.
(12:19):
Now let's continue the conversation. How do we recognize when
a relationship is turning into something that's toxic. One of
the other points I want to talk about. We just
talked about jealousy and competition. Another red flag is disrespect
and lack of boundaries. Toxic friends often disrespect your boundaries,
whether it's by intruding on your personal space, violating your privacy,
(12:43):
or ignoring your needs and desires. They might dismiss your opinions,
belittle your feelings, or consistently put their own needs above yours,
Which is what the question I should say. The question
in the comment that was said sent in that the
other person is always talking about themselves, and I'm sure
you guys have had encounters with people like that. It
(13:03):
might not be a toxic one. But this I say
it's taking hostage of a conversation. You know somebody is
sharing something with you, you take that and you make it
all about yourself. You're not respecting that other person's space
and their need to talk and share. You're just taking over.
A red flag. Another attribute is when the relationship is
(13:25):
emotionally draining. If you feel emotionally drained, anxious, or unhappy
after spending time with this person, it's a clear sign
that the friendship is taking a toll on your mental wellbeing.
But also it's a sign that it's taking a toll
on your mental wellbeing but also on your physical wellbeing.
Like the person it had sent in and the question
(13:47):
they talked about feeling yucky, nobody wants to feel yucky
most of the time when they leave you a social
gathering with your friend, or a dinner or whatever it is,
whatever time, Sometimes even a phone call. Another red flag
when you feel used. One sign of a toxic friend
is manipulation, or when they make you do things you
don't want to do. Nobody wants that feeling. We don't
(14:10):
want to feel used again. A healthy relationship a key
element and a part of a healthy relationship is there
needs to be some reciprocity. I help you, you help me,
and it goes back and forth. But helping and feeling
used are very different things. What about you, Greg? Does
this sound familiar? Have you experienced any of this? Yeah,
(14:31):
it doesn't feel I've been a fifty five years old
and those relationships. Something needs to be done because we
cannot stain that type of relationship out of respect for ourself. Now,
this friend, this person who sent it into the question,
is saying, what do I do? You have options? Friends?
What do you think your options are? Here? People like
she was saying I'm stuck. No, you're not stuck. You
(14:53):
have options and you need to just make a choice.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Shadow the person? How about that shadow?
Speaker 2 (14:58):
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Ghost them?
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Well, okay, let's get into that ghost of me. You're
kind of talking about what I'm going to share today.
You have options, terminate the friendship, adjust your expectations, put
them in a different category. You have to options. You
can terminate the relationship, meaning no more contact with them,
and we can talk. I'm going to give you some
details on how to do that. Adjust your expectations. I've
(15:24):
talked about this before. People change over time. Friendships change
over time. If you want to keep them in your life,
but they're no longer fulfilling those needs, particular needs and expectations.
Maybe they were at the beginning, but now they're not
adjust the expectations. So you're not going to be hurt,
you're not going to be disappointed. But in a toxic relationship,
(15:46):
this might not be possible. You might have to terminate
the relationship for your mental health, for your physical health.
So if you decide friend who is sent in this question,
or you guys listening out there are in a relationship
like this, if you decide to terminate the friendship, please
keep in mind ending a friendship, even a toxic one,
(16:07):
can be emotionally challenging because friendships, often, you know, they're
deep emotional connections. We often have a history with somebody
that we're connected to, experiences that we've shared, so there
is often a sense of loyalty. Like the person who's
sent it, and the question was saying, I feel bad
she's been part of my life for so long, I
feel bad doing this, And like I said, you know,
(16:28):
just because she's been in your life for a long
time doesn't mean this needs to continue. If you are
feeling unhealthy most of the time in the relationship, you
might you know, it sounds like she's feeling guilty. You
might feel guilty about ending the relationship and worried about
hurting the other person's feelings, But what about your own feelings.
You have to take that into consideration too. It's important
(16:49):
to acknowledge these feelings and recognize that ending a text
toxic relationship excuse me, is ultimately an act of self care.
And you know what, sometimes in a relationship we feel
selfish when we're taking care of ourselves. But that's perfectly healthy,
expected and normal. It's setting boundaries. And I've talked about
this often. Boundaries are not just physical things. They are
(17:12):
actually emotional things. And that's really important, setting boundaries to
protect our emotional self. And remember, guys, I talked about
this last week. Friendships are voluntary. They are not in
your you know, you have to decide that. You know,
when it comes to families, we don't have a choice,
(17:33):
But when it comes to friendships, we absolutely have a choice.
They are voluntary, so you can opt out. By ending
the friendship, you are prioritizing your well being and making
space for healthier other relationships. If you're having these types
of relationships in your life, where's their time and room
for a healthy relationship, a healthy friendship. Most of us
(17:54):
are really busy, and the time that we I would think,
the time that I want to spend with somebody I
call a friend is it's precious. You know, time is
our most valuable currency. Now, before taking any action, it's
important to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for what is
going to happen. You need to be able to reflect
back and feel good about it. And sometimes it might
(18:15):
not feel good, but I think over time you will
feel better. Focus on what it is that you need
to do now. Once you've decided that you want to
terminate the friendship, guess what. You have three ways of
executing this termination, and Greg mentioned one of them, and
I'm going to talk about that. The first approach, which
(18:37):
I recommend, but is a difficult one because in our
society people we are I think, hardwired again to maximize
pleasure and minimize pain. This is painful. A direct conversation.
Most people want to avoid a direct conversation, but again,
a direct conversation one of the most straightforward ways to
(18:58):
end a toxic frenchhip. It is this way. This approach
is often the most respectful and mature, and it gives
an opportunity for you to express your feelings and explain
your decision. However, as I said earlier, it is the
most difficult, especially if you anticipate a negative or defensive
reaction from the other person. And of course when we
(19:20):
confront somebody in a direct manner, there is generally a
very defensive reaction. But I want to say that's generally
because we don't approach it in the correct manner. I've
talked about this often in the show. Confrontation is not
necessarily a bad thing. It's actually a good thing if
we want to communicate what it is, what we're thinking
and feeling, and we want to move forward. Now. The
(19:42):
other option is you can gradually distance yourself excuse me,
I can't talk this morning, or you can just end
the relationship abruptly. Each approach, whatever you decide is going
to work for you. To the person who said in
this question, whatever is going to work for you if
you decide to terminate the relationship. Each has pros and cons.
(20:03):
Most will just allow the distance to grow because they
don't want to confront. They don't want conflict. But I'll
tell you, guys, there's something to be learned about having
a direct conversation with somebody. Now here are some tips,
because you'll say, Nita, thanks for that, but how do
I do this? I don't know how to do this.
If you choose to end the relationship, your toxic relationship
(20:23):
via a direct conversation, Number one, choose the right place
and choose the right time. Yes, there is a right place.
There is the right time. Find a private, neutral setting
where you can sit down and talk without interruption, like
your kids are not going to walk in, or you
know it's lunchtime and they're going to be coming in
to be fed. That's not the right time. That's not
(20:45):
the right place. Make sure both of you have enough
time also to have a thoughtful conversation without feeling rush.
If it's you know, long term to our relationship of
twenty years, it's not going to happen in half an hour.
It's not going to happen in twenty minutes. So the
right place, the right time time. Another thing, Be honest
and direct. Clearly explain why you feel the friendship is
(21:07):
no longer healthy for you Again, use ie statements to
express your feelings without trying to blame the other person.
I know it's easy to get into that it's all
your father. This is ending because you are such a
toxic person. That's never a good approach and that's not
going to get you what you want, which is to
exit the relationship in a respectful manner. Remember, it's not
(21:28):
just about the other person. It is about mostly about
how you're feeling and what you need, and you want
to walk away with the sense of you know, I
did the right thing for myself, and you don't have
to bash the other person to do this. You can
do it in a particular manner. For example, you might
say I feel emotionally drained when we spend time together,
or I need to focus on relationships that are more
(21:49):
supportive for me, not just because oh yeah, you're just
a painted you know whatever, and you're just a selfish,
selfish person. You don't respect me. Just say you need
more support, you need to be around different instead of people,
and it's time to put the relationship to end. And
then you're going to get backlash, but that's okay. You're
not sharing some great news. You're going to share that
you've just decided that you need to step back from
(22:11):
the relationship, and the other person should respect that. Another
thing you need to do is set some boundaries. I
talk about this all the time and other shows, and
I've said this earlier. If you're opening, if you're open
to maintaining some level of contact with this person, set
some clear boundaries about how you want to proceed. For example,
you might say, I think it's best if we take
some space from each other for a while. I'd prefer
(22:33):
to keep our interactions limited to maybe a group setting,
and we'll see how that goes. And that person might
not be receptive. But again, it's about you setting your
own boundaries. Let's continue this conversation after we come back
from these messages.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Anita Ashley has more advice on how to on bleep
your Life and Relationships on news Talk eleven thirty wys.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
Hey, guys, welcome back to Unbleep your Life and Relationships.
I'm your host Anita Astley. Today we are talking about
toxic relationships and what to do with them, and I
was addressed. I am addressing a question that was sent
in via Instagram from one of my listeners. From one
of my followers, I was just sharing some tips on
(23:21):
how to get out of a toxic relationships. A toxic
relationship or relationships if you have many, I hope you don't.
We were talking about the direct method, choosing the right time, place,
being honest and direct, setting some boundaries, and another one
is to when you're having this direct conversation, is to
stay calm and composed. Your friend might react with anger,
(23:45):
they might react with sadness, but most likely defensiveness. Try
to stay calm and composed and avoid getting drawn up
into an argument. If the conversation becomes toheated, it's okay
to suggest taking a break and revisiting the discussion later.
Another thing is to end it on a positive note
(24:06):
if possible. It's not always possible. The other person receiving
this message to the toxic person is not gonna like
some of the things that you're saying, but it's all
again about the delivery. Try to end the conversation on
a positive note, acknowledge the good times you shared and
expressed gratitude for the positive parts of the relationship, even
(24:27):
if it's ending on a difficult note. Like the person
who sent in the question said, it's a relationship of
twenty years. And in those twenty years, I'm sure there
were some really good times. I mean, people change. As
I said, over time, situations change, and the relationship is
no longer working. It's toxic. Now. If you decide the
(24:48):
direct approach is not for you, don't feel so bad because,
as I said, most people don't want to use the
The con is what I want to avoid comp difrontation
at all costs. So if you're that person, you might
choose the second method, which is just gradually distant yourself
(25:08):
from the toxic friendship rather than having a direct conversation.
What does this look like in practice? How do we
do this? Start by reducing the amount of time you
spend with that person. Decline the invitations, be less available
for them when you're socializing, limiting your communication period. Now,
when you do interact, keep the conversations brief and avoid
(25:30):
sharing personal information or you know, engaging in deep discussions.
This is what you were used to, but if you
don't want that anymore. If you slowly start to do this,
the other person will get the message. I know I've
done this in my life. Throughout the fifty five years
I've met people we've been really close, but somewhere along
the line, the relationship is kind of toxic, and I
don't really want to have a direct conversation with them,
(25:52):
so I just gradually kind of let things, you know,
dissipate between us. Over time, the other person will likely
notice the chain and may may accept it, or they
might want to have a conversation with you to say, hey,
I don't know what's going on between us, or have
I done something wrong that we don't seem to hang
out anymore. Now I might say to you, yes, we
need to have a conversation, or I might just say no,
(26:14):
everything is fine, you know, be nice, to be nice,
and then they will, hopefully over time, get the message
that this relationship is kind of distancing itself. It's gradually
fading away. I think more people are comfortable with that
approach than the direct approach. Again, we don't want to
you know, we want to minimize our pain and maximize
(26:36):
our pleasure. And again the direct approach is kind of yucky, scary.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Well, we can get to the part where you just say,
let's just continue to exchange Christmas cards.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Yeah, there you go. But again, I do encourage people
to use the direct approach because again, you know, confrontation
is not a negative thing, but we've come in this
society to think of confrontation is something negative. It's all
about how you confront the other person. Person. Now, the
third one is ending the relationship abruptly and not something
(27:11):
I recommend, but sometimes it's needed. If the friendship is
extremely toxic or abusive, might be necessary to un the
friendship right away. This approach involves, of course, cutting off
all contact completely immediately without explanation. While this may seem harsh,
it sometimes is the only way to protect yourself under
with further harm. I've had patients I've had to work
(27:33):
with and say, well, you know what I think, you
just need to block, uh, continue, discontinue any conversation with
this person, any physical, emotional, everything has Like social.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Media, you just block them, right, you got to are
unfriend them and Facebook.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Block the block everything in every but they'll get the
hint then they absolutely will. And today, you know it's
harder because of what you're saying. All these different venues.
We can reach out to somebody that we you know,
or somebody excuse me, reaches out to us that we
don't want to have contact with they'll create another profile.
You know, I've done that where people over social media
(28:10):
harassing me. I'm like, okay, this is toxic. I thought
you were an okay person to be communicating with, but
now like you're behaving in a way that's not appropriate
to me. I'm going to block you. But you know
what happens, they come out in a different form because
you can have multiple accounts. But ending the friendship abruptly
might be something that may be necessary. Again, if it's
(28:31):
physically and emotionally threatening to you, we don't want that. Remember, guys,
none of this stuff is easy, and being in a
toxic relationship is even harder. But at some point you
have a decision to make. So I appreciate the question
that was shared at the beginning of this show, and
I got to tell you twenty years. It's a long
(28:52):
term friendship. But you know, if you're feeling that it's
becoming toxic, ending a friendship a toxic one even is
mixed emotions. You But I'll tell you something. You will
feel relieved, but you're also going to feel sad and guilty,
and you might miss that person you're you know, even
if they were toxic in your life because you got
(29:12):
used to well life. It's a part of your life.
It's like your family, but again they're not your family.
It's a voluntary relationship. It's important to give yourself time
when that happens to grieve the loss of the relationship
and to process your emotions. It's okay. You're not supposed
to feel good immediately after something like that happens, but
you know, seek support from friends who are not toxic,
(29:34):
reach out to family members, and of course I always
promote on this show it's okay to get some therapy
doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. And I gotta
tell you, most of the time in my office doing therapy,
we are talking about relationships that have gone wrong, whether
they're romantic ones, platonic ones, or familial ones, and of
(29:54):
course toxicity that work always comes up. Surround yourself again
with positive influences and focus on nurturing the healthy relationships
relationships in your life, because if you have toxic ones,
are no there's no room for healthy ones because we
don't have time. We're always busy doing We're always busy.
We're a society busy being busy. And if you're going
(30:17):
to take time out to have invested a friendship. A
toxic one is not the one that you should be
engaging in. Engage in self care activities that bring you
some joy and help you to heal. We need to
learn to move forward from these toxic relationships. Well, we
need to end them first. We will continue this conversation
after these messages.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
Back to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships on News Talk
eleven thirty wys.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
Hey, guys, welcome back to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.
I'm your host Anita Asley. Today we are talking about
ending toxic relationships, how to do that and the feelings
involved in doing that. It was a question that was
sent in from one of my followers on Instagram. If
you guys want to get a hold of me when
(31:08):
I'm not in studio, feel free to check me out
on social media. I'm most active on Instagram. Ask Anita
Ashley is the handle. Feel free to send me questions
and comments and I try to address most of them
eventually over time on this show. Now, once we have
let's continue the conversation. Once we've decided to end that relationship,
(31:31):
we need to move forward. Easier said than done, because
it is a grieving process. Like anything else, it is
a loss, but it is something important that we need
to do for our own mental health. Now, it's important
also to reflect on what you've learned from the experience
and how you can apply those lessons those learnings in
(31:51):
your future relationships. This is important because we all, I've
said this many times before now continue to say it.
We all have a role in the relationships that don't
work out, and of course the ones that we do
work out. When it doesn't work out, we sometimes want
to blame the other person that it didn't work out.
(32:12):
But even in a toxic relationship, we had a role
in it. It's important to reflect on that. It's important
to figure out what that role was, like, what did
we do to enable this toxicity that is just not
created on its own. We somehow keep that alive, and
we might keep it alive by not having some boundaries
(32:34):
for ourselves and not respecting ourselves enough to enforcing those boundaries.
Because it's one thing to have the boundaries, but it's
another thing to keep those boundaries in place. And you
can't blame the other person. You can say, yeah, there again,
if we get rid of that word, I hate that word. Blame.
They push the boundaries, but as a person who is
supposed to hold them in place, you fail to hold
(32:57):
them in place, and that's why it turned into a
toxic relationship. You learn to put your boundaries in place,
but also learn to keep them in place, and when
violators come along, no way put up the stop sign.
Ending a toxic friendship, guys, is a courageous act of
self care. By letting go from some friendships that won't
(33:19):
no longer serve us in a positive way. It of
course creates a room and space in our mind and
our hearts and literally in our lives for relationships that
are fulfilling. And remember, relationships are supposed to add something
to our life that's positive overall. Of course, relationships have conflict.
Friendships have conflict because, as I always say, Greg, you
(33:43):
know this intimacy breeds conflict. When we get close to somebody,
Eventually we are going to have some conflict. But there
is conflict that we resolve and deal with in a
healthy manner. But then there's manipulation and all the negative
stuff that I just spoke about.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
There's a lot of people that I know over the
course of the years that you know it just does
slowly dissolved the relationship, the friendship its just it, you know.
They you evolve, yeah, you you go this way and
I know that way. But there's really no hard feelings.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
Yeah, there's no hard feelings and it's a natural ending.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
Yeah, yeah, you know. Seasons, So there's a lot of that.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
There's a lot of that, seasons, reasons, lifetime. But as
the person who sent in the question was saying, it
is a long term friendship, a lot of time and
a lot of emotions invested in it, and then she
was over the years feeling yucky, feeling like it was
something that was always about the other person, a lot
of competition. It sounds like there was some jealousy. All
(34:41):
that all the formula of a very toxic relationship that
needs to end. But let's just you know, circling back
to that question which led to this discussion, I want
to say, my friend you sent in this question, thank
you so much for sharing and listeners out there you
might be relating to this other person who sent in
the question. Let me just tell you something. You are
(35:02):
not stuck. You have a decision to make terminate the
relationship or adjust your expectations. We all have choices, and
sometimes those choices are not easy, but we all have
a choice. That is our one superpower in life. You
might be thinking I don't have one, Yes, you do.
That is the one superpower we have in our life.
(35:24):
We have the power to choose the people that we
are going to invest our time and effort and energy in.
And again, guys, like I said last week, time is
our most valuable currency. And at the age of fifty five,
my time is running out. So I want to spend it. Well,
I don't want to spend it in toxic relationships. And
it's okay. If you think, you know, oh my god,
(35:46):
this another friendship is ending and I thought we were
doing so well, It's okay. We have other people that
we can choose from. And you know, look at yourself,
reflect back on the friendship and ask yourself what it is,
How did I contribute to the toxicity, and how do
I need to not do this again in my life.
So again, my friend, you have the superpower to choose. Now,
(36:07):
if you decide to terminate the friendship, choose your method.
It's going to be a direct conversation, which most people
don't want to do. But hey, maybe you've got to
learn to do that. It's going to be a gradual
avoidance or an abrupt ending. It just depends on the circumstance.
But in this situation, it sounds like you know, I
would suggest a direct conversation or just a gradual avoidance
(36:27):
of the person. Trust your gut. Remember, just because we
have a history with that person, like this person does
twenty years invested in this friendship, it doesn't mean we
have to have a present and a future with them.
Just listen to that. Just because we have a history
with them, we don't we'd have to have a future.
We don't have to have a present in the here
(36:49):
and now. You can make a different decision. I often
hear this. This person has been in my life for
so many years. We do so many things together. There's
a ritual. Well, guess what get rid of that friend,
like you get rid of a bad habit. And I
know habits are really difficult to get rid of. But
habits make us or they break us. And you mentioned
jealousy and competitiveness. There is no room for jealousy and
(37:12):
competitiveness in a healthy relationship. It's toxic. And my friend
you also mentioned, and you guys listening out there. I
often hear this, you're afraid because you don't want to
lose the friendship. Well, if it's a toxic friendship, it's
not giving you anything but negativity, and you're going to
lose yourself in the friendship, and that's not cool. You
(37:36):
rather lose yourself rather than the person. You're not respecting
yourself very much, and it is not a true friend
We talked about that last time. People who are afraid
to set boundaries for themselves often say things like that,
guys embrace yourself rather than fully embracing the toxicity. And
sometimes people are used to toxic relationships they can't see
(37:56):
it for what it is. And I hope today you
have learned to identify some of the things. Well you've
learned to identify if you're in one or not, I hope.
So you have to come to the awareness that this
is what it is. But once you come to the awareness,
like I talk about in my book, what are you
going to do about it? Action? Action? Action words are
(38:18):
not enough.
Speaker 1 (38:18):
I got a quick question for you, So you're talking
about you, we should talk this out. Any advice on where,
like would you go to Panera's or would you grab
a bottle of wine and come over to my house. Well,
what are you looking at?
Speaker 2 (38:31):
That's a good question because there's pros and constant both scenarios. Right,
I might go, I might choose panera because guess what,
in a public setting, people are less likely to.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
Have a melt own.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
They are, They're less likely to have a melt on.
But again, if it's a toxic person, and they might
not have any boundaries, and they might not have any
rules of engagement in terms of in being in it,
it could be embarrassing. Yeah, it could be embarrassing, but
that's on them and not on you. You're not responsible
for how they react. So I think at public setting
you have more buffers in place. Private setting, get ready
(39:06):
for the backlash, but that might be what's needed. You know,
in a private setting you can say what you really
think and what you really feel. And of course in
both scenarios you can walk away. You have the power
and the choice to walk away, but do not let
yourself be manipulated again into staying in the relationship when
you've decided beforehand that you are going to meet this
(39:28):
person to end the relationship. If I know that I'm
going to meet with you to end this toxic relationship.
The worst thing to do is walk out of there
with another you know, Oh my god, here we go again.
Greg didn't get my message, and here I am feeling
manipulated again. That's on you. Like I said, your superpower
is your power to choose what you're going to do.
(39:48):
And if you've decided that terminating this relationship, then you've
got to walk away with Okay, it's terminated, but I
want to tell you something. You can also adjust your
expectations if you don't want to terminate the relationship, although
you know it's toxic. I always think terminating is best.
But if you feel that perhaps some things can change
over time, I always have hope that people can change.
(40:11):
You can adjust your expectations and of course depend decide
on how you're going to spend time with that person,
and time will tell is this going to get better
or is it going to get worse. And again, if
you've given this person multiple chances to not be so
toxic and get some help, and you can say that,
you know, maybe we need a break. I need some help,
and maybe you need to get some help so we
(40:32):
can be in a better place together again. If it's
a relationship that you think you can work on and
the friendship can get better, okay. But if it's not
and your goal is to terminate and you walk away
not doing that, you've just been manipulated. You allowed somebody
to manipulate you, which is behavior that toxic relationships often exhibit.
Speaker 1 (40:53):
So next week, can we talk about mother and laws
not just getting just kidding?
Speaker 2 (40:57):
Yeah, okay, Well we can talk about fans family toxicity
for sure. Okay again, guys, I talk a lot about
this stuff in my book. You can read all about
it and unbleep your life and Relationships. It's available on
Simon and Schuster. It's available on Amazon, and if those
two sites don't work for you, google it. I'm sure
you can find it somewhere else. It's also in Barnes
(41:18):
and Noble. Again, guys, this show is all about talking
about relationships and our mental health. Everything starts from the
inside out. We need to look inward before we can
look outward in all kinds of relationships, including friendships, familial relationships,
and of course, our romantic relationships. We will continue discussions
(41:41):
about relationships and mental health next week. Have a great week, guys,
talk to you next week,
Relationships weather, romantic, platonic, familiar are complicated and can be
downright messy, bringing out the best and worst in all
of us. Here's an opportunity for you to learn effective,
concrete strategies to help you build healthy relationships from the
inside out. It's on Bleep Your Life and Relationships with
(00:21):
host Anita Asling, psychotherapist of over twenty five years.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Hey, guys, welcome to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships. I'm
your host, Anita Astley. I'm a psychotherapist of twenty five
years and plus and recently came out with a book
called Unbleep Your Life and Relationships. Unbleep is not the
word on the cover, but it's a word that I
can't say on air. Greg is in studio with me.
How are you, Greg, I'm good.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
I'm ready to go with the dumb button in case
you do your case.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
I care too, I haven't slipped yet. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Well, you've been really good.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I've been good.
Speaker 1 (00:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
On this show we talk about all things relationship related
and of course mental health. We can talk about mental
health and not talk about relationships. As I always say,
our mental health hinges on the quality of the relationships
we have meaning that if our relationships are not going
(01:15):
too well, our mental health generally suffers the to go
hand in hand. We've been covering a lot of interesting subjects.
If you guys have been listening so far. If you're
new to the show, welcome, Welcome, welcome. If you are
looking for me outside of studio and want to send
me some questions and comments about some of the stuff
we've done. I am most active on Instagram and the
(01:38):
handle is ask Anita Ashley send me a DM because
I have a lot of questions to well. I have
a lot of questions, but I don't always get to them.
I promise that eventually I will. Today we are going
to be talking again about friendships, but toxic friendships. Last
week I did a whole show on friendships and the
(01:58):
importance of friendships. I'll tell you, people say I don't
need friendships, I don't need people, I don't need any
of that stuff, Anita, I say, you might feel that way,
you might think that way, but to me clinically, and
I've been there personally myself, it is just a defensive
reaction because somewhere in our lives we have been hurt
(02:20):
by somebody else. We are by natural nature excuse me,
social creatures, and we need that from mental health and
also for our physical health. We know when we are touched,
when we are in the community, the presence of other people,
our brain releases that free dopamine that we all need
to feel good. It's not out of a bottle, it's
(02:40):
free anyway. I want to get to two questions today
if I can, but we might just focus on the
one that came in about toxic friendships. I'm sure, I'm
fifty five. I've been in those toxic friendships and relationships
and they're complicated and very difficult to sometimes recognize and
(03:01):
also to get out of. We don't know what to
do with them. But before I give too much away,
let me get to my question. Greg, you look like
you want to say something.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Oh no, no, I'm waiting to hear this because I
know there's a lot of toxic relationships.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Are toxic people out there we sometimes get into relationships with, Okay,
So let's get to it. Question number one. I think
this might dominate the whole show today. Here we go.
Thank you, by the way for everyone who sends in
their questions. Question number one, Anita, I have been friends
with this person for twenty years. We met in college,
(03:37):
and I would say we are still very close, but
I question whether she is still a good friend as
things are not how they used to be, meaning I
often walk away feeling yucky, sometimes feeling used. Everything seems
to be about her, and when I share something about myself,
(03:58):
instead of listening to me, she brings it all back
to her. I feel she's always well, also competitive. Any
anytime I share something good I've done, she seems jealous
and somehow brings it back to something about what she's done.
I do love her because I've known her for so long,
but I question whether I should be in this relationship
(04:20):
or not. I'm not sure I want to be friends.
At times with her, it feels toxic. One of my
friends who I shared this story with says it is toxic,
and then I need to do something about this relationship, Anita,
What should I do? I feel stuck, and sometimes I
think I might be exaggerating the situation. I'm not sure
(04:41):
I played. I played the conversations over and over again
in my head. I don't want to lose the friendship.
I'm really not sure what to do. I am sad
about the situation. Please help Wow that there is a
lot to unpack there, and I just want to say
thank you so much for sharing this with us and
(05:03):
our listeners, and let's see what we can do with that.
You want to say anything before if I would want
to say about this, Okay, First, I want to say,
if you feeling that it's a toxic relationship, it probably is.
If you're feeling that you're maybe exaggerating some of this
(05:24):
stuff and you keep replaying all these scenarios in your head,
there's probably a legitimate reason for you to be doing that.
We at some point need to trust our gut. Often
we don't trust our gut, and we second second guess ourselves.
But I'll tell you just because it's a long relationship,
it's been a relationship that you've been in for a
(05:46):
long time, it doesn't mean that the relationship must continue. Sometimes,
like a bad habit, we need to get rid of
the bad habit and develop some new ones. And sometimes
we need to get rid of some of those relationships
in our lives that are causing us more to stress.
Then Joy, But let's talk about the concept of a
toxic relationship. What is a toxic relationship? Ending a toxic
(06:09):
friendship is a difficult process in and of itself, but
it's a necessary step to protect your mental and emotional
well being. We do it for ourselves. Toxic friendships are
characterized by specific behaviors, and they're emotionally and it sounds
like with this person emotionally draining. They can be very
(06:30):
manipulative and of course harmful to us, but also harmful
to the other person. They don't always know it, because
they are just acting in a way that's not appropriate.
And the more people just accept that about them, the
more harm it does, not only to the relationship the receiving,
the person who's receiving that friendship, but also the one
who's in it. I always think when people are like that,
(06:52):
my question, well, I'm a therapist, so my natural nature
is always to question, like, what happened to you that
you're behaving this way? And if we want to use
the term toxic as we are today, what happened to
you that you're so toxic? Who hurts you so badly
that you have to behave this way and treat other
people this way? That's a whole another show, but let's
get back to this now. As the person who sent
(07:15):
in the question describe these type of the relationship. This
can leave you feeling stressed, anxious, and undervalued, which is
which sounds like what this person is feeling now. Recognizing
when a friendship has become toxic and taking steps to
end it is crucial for maintaining our overall happiness and health.
So congratulations for you know listening to your gut. Your
(07:38):
gut is kind of saying I'm not sure. And the
word yucky is a great word because if you walk
out of that conversation, and most of the time when
you spend time with that person, it starts to feel yucky.
That's your body and mind saying to you, maybe this
is toxic and you need to do something about it.
Our body and mind tells us something, and we need
to listen to it at times rather than ignore. Right now,
(08:01):
let's get back to what this really means. Toxic friendships again,
Guys can manifest in various ways. It's just not one scenario,
but some common signs include consistent negativity. Just like this
person was sharing. If your friend constantly brings negativity into
your life, whether through criticism, pessimism, or drama, it can
(08:24):
it is emotionally exhausting. A toxic friend might always focus
on the negative and dismiss your feelings or belittle your achievements,
like if you're sharing something good about yourself, they always
bring it back to themselves and have nothing positive to say.
If you guys listening out there, this is sounding familiar
to you, and you have somebody in your life, take note.
(08:46):
Your body and mind is telling you something. Manipulation. Toxic
friends often manipulate situations to their advantage, making you feel
guilty like somehow you have something to feel bad about
and and or somehow that you're obligated to do things
that you're uncomfortable with. They might use emotional blackmail sometimes
(09:07):
like oh, yeah, you never show up with me, You're
never really hear from me when you might be feeling, Hey,
I'm always here for you whenever you actually need me.
Guilt tripping a huge part of a toxic relationship, always
making you feel guilty somehow. And the other one, this one,
you know, I've done shows on this one and this
is my pet peeve and behavior and I always say
(09:28):
it's not the person, but it's the behavior. Passive aggressive
behavior to control you. They can't directly tell you what
they think and what they feel, but they make passive
aggressive comments. That is so manipulative. And people do that
because they don't know how to deal with their own
negative thoughts and their own negative feelings, so they couch them.
(09:51):
If we want an example, you might be thinking, what's
an example of that, Well, it's when people won't say
Somebody might say to you, you know, I call you
and you never call me back, or I call you,
You're never free, you're out with your friends. They can't
directly say hey, you know I'm missing you. I'd like
to spend some time with you. When are you free.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Oh, I see what you're saying. So you're saying you
call you know, I try to call you and you're
never there.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
You never should say well, hey, well let's take some
time to talk.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
You're never there for me. I'm always there for you,
or oh yeah, I saw you were out with Nancy
yesterday and you know, I wish you would make time
for me. Why not just say hey, I miss you,
I would like to spend some time with you. They
directly cannot deal with their aggressive feelings, so they have
to couch them. Another one is a lack of support.
Now in a healthy friendship, support is mutual. However, in
(10:40):
a toxic friendship friendship, excuse me, you might find that
you're always the one giving support without receiving it in return.
Reciprocity friends is an important part of a healthy relationship.
Your friend might be absent during your tough times or
unsupportive of your successes. Reciprocity is key. We need to
(11:01):
give in a relationship and a friendship, and we need
to get something back. The other one she mentioned in
here is jealousy and competition sign of toxicity. A toxic
friend may feel jealous of your accomplishments and may try
to compete with you Rather than celebrating your successes. They
might undermine your confidence and spread rumors, or in some
(11:24):
way sabotage your effort. Now the question said that she said,
you know, I always sens there some jealousy in this competition.
When I talk about something that I've done, she has
to bring in something about herself, a true sign of
a toxic relationship. We are going to continue this conversation
when we come back from these messages. Thanks guys for
(11:46):
tuning in today.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
Everyone strives for healthier relationships. Here's more of UNLEEP Your
Life and Relationships on news Talk eleven th wis.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Hey, guys, welcome back to Bleep Your Life and Relationships.
I'm your host Anita Asklee, psychotherapist of twenty five years
and plus. Today we are talking about toxic friendships. We
had a question that came in from my Instagram. If
you guys want to send me any questions in comments
for future shows, the handle is ask Anita ask Lee.
(12:19):
Now let's continue the conversation. How do we recognize when
a relationship is turning into something that's toxic. One of
the other points I want to talk about. We just
talked about jealousy and competition. Another red flag is disrespect
and lack of boundaries. Toxic friends often disrespect your boundaries,
whether it's by intruding on your personal space, violating your privacy,
(12:43):
or ignoring your needs and desires. They might dismiss your opinions,
belittle your feelings, or consistently put their own needs above yours,
Which is what the question I should say. The question
in the comment that was said sent in that the
other person is always talking about themselves, and I'm sure
you guys have had encounters with people like that. It
(13:03):
might not be a toxic one. But this I say
it's taking hostage of a conversation. You know somebody is
sharing something with you, you take that and you make it
all about yourself. You're not respecting that other person's space
and their need to talk and share. You're just taking over.
A red flag. Another attribute is when the relationship is
(13:25):
emotionally draining. If you feel emotionally drained, anxious, or unhappy
after spending time with this person, it's a clear sign
that the friendship is taking a toll on your mental wellbeing.
But also it's a sign that it's taking a toll
on your mental wellbeing but also on your physical wellbeing.
Like the person it had sent in and the question
(13:47):
they talked about feeling yucky, nobody wants to feel yucky
most of the time when they leave you a social
gathering with your friend, or a dinner or whatever it is,
whatever time, Sometimes even a phone call. Another red flag
when you feel used. One sign of a toxic friend
is manipulation, or when they make you do things you
don't want to do. Nobody wants that feeling. We don't
(14:10):
want to feel used again. A healthy relationship a key
element and a part of a healthy relationship is there
needs to be some reciprocity. I help you, you help me,
and it goes back and forth. But helping and feeling
used are very different things. What about you, Greg? Does
this sound familiar? Have you experienced any of this? Yeah,
(14:31):
it doesn't feel I've been a fifty five years old
and those relationships. Something needs to be done because we
cannot stain that type of relationship out of respect for ourself. Now,
this friend, this person who sent it into the question,
is saying, what do I do? You have options? Friends?
What do you think your options are? Here? People like
she was saying I'm stuck. No, you're not stuck. You
(14:53):
have options and you need to just make a choice.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Shadow the person? How about that shadow?
Speaker 2 (14:58):
What do you mean?
Speaker 1 (15:00):
Ghost them?
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Well, okay, let's get into that ghost of me. You're
kind of talking about what I'm going to share today.
You have options, terminate the friendship, adjust your expectations, put
them in a different category. You have to options. You
can terminate the relationship, meaning no more contact with them,
and we can talk. I'm going to give you some
details on how to do that. Adjust your expectations. I've
(15:24):
talked about this before. People change over time. Friendships change
over time. If you want to keep them in your life,
but they're no longer fulfilling those needs, particular needs and expectations.
Maybe they were at the beginning, but now they're not
adjust the expectations. So you're not going to be hurt,
you're not going to be disappointed. But in a toxic relationship,
(15:46):
this might not be possible. You might have to terminate
the relationship for your mental health, for your physical health.
So if you decide friend who is sent in this question,
or you guys listening out there are in a relationship
like this, if you decide to terminate the friendship, please
keep in mind ending a friendship, even a toxic one,
(16:07):
can be emotionally challenging because friendships, often, you know, they're
deep emotional connections. We often have a history with somebody
that we're connected to, experiences that we've shared, so there
is often a sense of loyalty. Like the person who's
sent it, and the question was saying, I feel bad
she's been part of my life for so long, I
feel bad doing this, And like I said, you know,
(16:28):
just because she's been in your life for a long
time doesn't mean this needs to continue. If you are
feeling unhealthy most of the time in the relationship, you
might you know, it sounds like she's feeling guilty. You
might feel guilty about ending the relationship and worried about
hurting the other person's feelings, But what about your own feelings.
You have to take that into consideration too. It's important
(16:49):
to acknowledge these feelings and recognize that ending a text
toxic relationship excuse me, is ultimately an act of self care.
And you know what, sometimes in a relationship we feel
selfish when we're taking care of ourselves. But that's perfectly healthy,
expected and normal. It's setting boundaries. And I've talked about
this often. Boundaries are not just physical things. They are
(17:12):
actually emotional things. And that's really important, setting boundaries to
protect our emotional self. And remember, guys, I talked about
this last week. Friendships are voluntary. They are not in
your you know, you have to decide that. You know,
when it comes to families, we don't have a choice,
(17:33):
But when it comes to friendships, we absolutely have a choice.
They are voluntary, so you can opt out. By ending
the friendship, you are prioritizing your well being and making
space for healthier other relationships. If you're having these types
of relationships in your life, where's their time and room
for a healthy relationship, a healthy friendship. Most of us
(17:54):
are really busy, and the time that we I would think,
the time that I want to spend with somebody I
call a friend is it's precious. You know, time is
our most valuable currency. Now, before taking any action, it's
important to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for what is
going to happen. You need to be able to reflect
back and feel good about it. And sometimes it might
(18:15):
not feel good, but I think over time you will
feel better. Focus on what it is that you need
to do now. Once you've decided that you want to
terminate the friendship, guess what. You have three ways of
executing this termination, and Greg mentioned one of them, and
I'm going to talk about that. The first approach, which
(18:37):
I recommend, but is a difficult one because in our
society people we are I think, hardwired again to maximize
pleasure and minimize pain. This is painful. A direct conversation.
Most people want to avoid a direct conversation, but again,
a direct conversation one of the most straightforward ways to
(18:58):
end a toxic frenchhip. It is this way. This approach
is often the most respectful and mature, and it gives
an opportunity for you to express your feelings and explain
your decision. However, as I said earlier, it is the
most difficult, especially if you anticipate a negative or defensive
reaction from the other person. And of course when we
(19:20):
confront somebody in a direct manner, there is generally a
very defensive reaction. But I want to say that's generally
because we don't approach it in the correct manner. I've
talked about this often in the show. Confrontation is not
necessarily a bad thing. It's actually a good thing if
we want to communicate what it is, what we're thinking
and feeling, and we want to move forward. Now. The
(19:42):
other option is you can gradually distance yourself excuse me,
I can't talk this morning, or you can just end
the relationship abruptly. Each approach, whatever you decide is going
to work for you. To the person who said in
this question, whatever is going to work for you if
you decide to terminate the relationship. Each has pros and cons.
(20:03):
Most will just allow the distance to grow because they
don't want to confront. They don't want conflict. But I'll
tell you, guys, there's something to be learned about having
a direct conversation with somebody. Now here are some tips,
because you'll say, Nita, thanks for that, but how do
I do this? I don't know how to do this.
If you choose to end the relationship, your toxic relationship
(20:23):
via a direct conversation, Number one, choose the right place
and choose the right time. Yes, there is a right place.
There is the right time. Find a private, neutral setting
where you can sit down and talk without interruption, like
your kids are not going to walk in, or you
know it's lunchtime and they're going to be coming in
to be fed. That's not the right time. That's not
(20:45):
the right place. Make sure both of you have enough
time also to have a thoughtful conversation without feeling rush.
If it's you know, long term to our relationship of
twenty years, it's not going to happen in half an hour.
It's not going to happen in twenty minutes. So the
right place, the right time time. Another thing, Be honest
and direct. Clearly explain why you feel the friendship is
(21:07):
no longer healthy for you Again, use ie statements to
express your feelings without trying to blame the other person.
I know it's easy to get into that it's all
your father. This is ending because you are such a
toxic person. That's never a good approach and that's not
going to get you what you want, which is to
exit the relationship in a respectful manner. Remember, it's not
(21:28):
just about the other person. It is about mostly about
how you're feeling and what you need, and you want
to walk away with the sense of you know, I
did the right thing for myself, and you don't have
to bash the other person to do this. You can
do it in a particular manner. For example, you might
say I feel emotionally drained when we spend time together,
or I need to focus on relationships that are more
(21:49):
supportive for me, not just because oh yeah, you're just
a painted you know whatever, and you're just a selfish,
selfish person. You don't respect me. Just say you need
more support, you need to be around different instead of people,
and it's time to put the relationship to end. And
then you're going to get backlash, but that's okay. You're
not sharing some great news. You're going to share that
you've just decided that you need to step back from
(22:11):
the relationship, and the other person should respect that. Another
thing you need to do is set some boundaries. I
talk about this all the time and other shows, and
I've said this earlier. If you're opening, if you're open
to maintaining some level of contact with this person, set
some clear boundaries about how you want to proceed. For example,
you might say, I think it's best if we take
some space from each other for a while. I'd prefer
(22:33):
to keep our interactions limited to maybe a group setting,
and we'll see how that goes. And that person might
not be receptive. But again, it's about you setting your
own boundaries. Let's continue this conversation after we come back
from these messages.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Anita Ashley has more advice on how to on bleep
your Life and Relationships on news Talk eleven thirty wys.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
Hey, guys, welcome back to Unbleep your Life and Relationships.
I'm your host Anita Astley. Today we are talking about
toxic relationships and what to do with them, and I
was addressed. I am addressing a question that was sent
in via Instagram from one of my listeners. From one
of my followers, I was just sharing some tips on
(23:21):
how to get out of a toxic relationships. A toxic
relationship or relationships if you have many, I hope you don't.
We were talking about the direct method, choosing the right time, place,
being honest and direct, setting some boundaries, and another one
is to when you're having this direct conversation, is to
stay calm and composed. Your friend might react with anger,
(23:45):
they might react with sadness, but most likely defensiveness. Try
to stay calm and composed and avoid getting drawn up
into an argument. If the conversation becomes toheated, it's okay
to suggest taking a break and revisiting the discussion later.
Another thing is to end it on a positive note
(24:06):
if possible. It's not always possible. The other person receiving
this message to the toxic person is not gonna like
some of the things that you're saying, but it's all
again about the delivery. Try to end the conversation on
a positive note, acknowledge the good times you shared and
expressed gratitude for the positive parts of the relationship, even
(24:27):
if it's ending on a difficult note. Like the person
who sent in the question said, it's a relationship of
twenty years. And in those twenty years, I'm sure there
were some really good times. I mean, people change. As
I said, over time, situations change, and the relationship is
no longer working. It's toxic. Now. If you decide the
(24:48):
direct approach is not for you, don't feel so bad because,
as I said, most people don't want to use the
The con is what I want to avoid comp difrontation
at all costs. So if you're that person, you might
choose the second method, which is just gradually distant yourself
(25:08):
from the toxic friendship rather than having a direct conversation.
What does this look like in practice? How do we
do this? Start by reducing the amount of time you
spend with that person. Decline the invitations, be less available
for them when you're socializing, limiting your communication period. Now,
when you do interact, keep the conversations brief and avoid
(25:30):
sharing personal information or you know, engaging in deep discussions.
This is what you were used to, but if you
don't want that anymore. If you slowly start to do this,
the other person will get the message. I know I've
done this in my life. Throughout the fifty five years
I've met people we've been really close, but somewhere along
the line, the relationship is kind of toxic, and I
don't really want to have a direct conversation with them,
(25:52):
so I just gradually kind of let things, you know,
dissipate between us. Over time, the other person will likely
notice the chain and may may accept it, or they
might want to have a conversation with you to say, hey,
I don't know what's going on between us, or have
I done something wrong that we don't seem to hang
out anymore. Now I might say to you, yes, we
need to have a conversation, or I might just say no,
(26:14):
everything is fine, you know, be nice, to be nice,
and then they will, hopefully over time, get the message
that this relationship is kind of distancing itself. It's gradually
fading away. I think more people are comfortable with that
approach than the direct approach. Again, we don't want to
you know, we want to minimize our pain and maximize
(26:36):
our pleasure. And again the direct approach is kind of yucky, scary.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Well, we can get to the part where you just say,
let's just continue to exchange Christmas cards.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
Yeah, there you go. But again, I do encourage people
to use the direct approach because again, you know, confrontation
is not a negative thing, but we've come in this
society to think of confrontation is something negative. It's all
about how you confront the other person. Person. Now, the
third one is ending the relationship abruptly and not something
(27:11):
I recommend, but sometimes it's needed. If the friendship is
extremely toxic or abusive, might be necessary to un the
friendship right away. This approach involves, of course, cutting off
all contact completely immediately without explanation. While this may seem harsh,
it sometimes is the only way to protect yourself under
with further harm. I've had patients I've had to work
(27:33):
with and say, well, you know what I think, you
just need to block, uh, continue, discontinue any conversation with
this person, any physical, emotional, everything has Like social.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Media, you just block them, right, you got to are
unfriend them and Facebook.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Block the block everything in every but they'll get the
hint then they absolutely will. And today, you know it's
harder because of what you're saying. All these different venues.
We can reach out to somebody that we you know,
or somebody excuse me, reaches out to us that we
don't want to have contact with they'll create another profile.
You know, I've done that where people over social media
(28:10):
harassing me. I'm like, okay, this is toxic. I thought
you were an okay person to be communicating with, but
now like you're behaving in a way that's not appropriate
to me. I'm going to block you. But you know
what happens, they come out in a different form because
you can have multiple accounts. But ending the friendship abruptly
might be something that may be necessary. Again, if it's
(28:31):
physically and emotionally threatening to you, we don't want that. Remember, guys,
none of this stuff is easy, and being in a
toxic relationship is even harder. But at some point you
have a decision to make. So I appreciate the question
that was shared at the beginning of this show, and
I got to tell you twenty years. It's a long
(28:52):
term friendship. But you know, if you're feeling that it's
becoming toxic, ending a friendship a toxic one even is
mixed emotions. You But I'll tell you something. You will
feel relieved, but you're also going to feel sad and guilty,
and you might miss that person you're you know, even
if they were toxic in your life because you got
(29:12):
used to well life. It's a part of your life.
It's like your family, but again they're not your family.
It's a voluntary relationship. It's important to give yourself time
when that happens to grieve the loss of the relationship
and to process your emotions. It's okay. You're not supposed
to feel good immediately after something like that happens, but
you know, seek support from friends who are not toxic,
(29:34):
reach out to family members, and of course I always
promote on this show it's okay to get some therapy
doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. And I gotta
tell you, most of the time in my office doing therapy,
we are talking about relationships that have gone wrong, whether
they're romantic ones, platonic ones, or familial ones, and of
(29:54):
course toxicity that work always comes up. Surround yourself again
with positive influences and focus on nurturing the healthy relationships
relationships in your life, because if you have toxic ones,
are no there's no room for healthy ones because we
don't have time. We're always busy doing We're always busy.
We're a society busy being busy. And if you're going
(30:17):
to take time out to have invested a friendship. A
toxic one is not the one that you should be
engaging in. Engage in self care activities that bring you
some joy and help you to heal. We need to
learn to move forward from these toxic relationships. Well, we
need to end them first. We will continue this conversation
after these messages.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
Back to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships on News Talk
eleven thirty wys.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
Hey, guys, welcome back to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.
I'm your host Anita Asley. Today we are talking about
ending toxic relationships, how to do that and the feelings
involved in doing that. It was a question that was
sent in from one of my followers on Instagram. If
you guys want to get a hold of me when
(31:08):
I'm not in studio, feel free to check me out
on social media. I'm most active on Instagram. Ask Anita
Ashley is the handle. Feel free to send me questions
and comments and I try to address most of them
eventually over time on this show. Now, once we have
let's continue the conversation. Once we've decided to end that relationship,
(31:31):
we need to move forward. Easier said than done, because
it is a grieving process. Like anything else, it is
a loss, but it is something important that we need
to do for our own mental health. Now, it's important
also to reflect on what you've learned from the experience
and how you can apply those lessons those learnings in
(31:51):
your future relationships. This is important because we all, I've
said this many times before now continue to say it.
We all have a role in the relationships that don't
work out, and of course the ones that we do
work out. When it doesn't work out, we sometimes want
to blame the other person that it didn't work out.
(32:12):
But even in a toxic relationship, we had a role
in it. It's important to reflect on that. It's important
to figure out what that role was, like, what did
we do to enable this toxicity that is just not
created on its own. We somehow keep that alive, and
we might keep it alive by not having some boundaries
(32:34):
for ourselves and not respecting ourselves enough to enforcing those boundaries.
Because it's one thing to have the boundaries, but it's
another thing to keep those boundaries in place. And you
can't blame the other person. You can say, yeah, there again,
if we get rid of that word, I hate that word. Blame.
They push the boundaries, but as a person who is
supposed to hold them in place, you fail to hold
(32:57):
them in place, and that's why it turned into a
toxic relationship. You learn to put your boundaries in place,
but also learn to keep them in place, and when
violators come along, no way put up the stop sign.
Ending a toxic friendship, guys, is a courageous act of
self care. By letting go from some friendships that won't
(33:19):
no longer serve us in a positive way. It of
course creates a room and space in our mind and
our hearts and literally in our lives for relationships that
are fulfilling. And remember, relationships are supposed to add something
to our life that's positive overall. Of course, relationships have conflict.
Friendships have conflict because, as I always say, Greg, you
(33:43):
know this intimacy breeds conflict. When we get close to somebody,
Eventually we are going to have some conflict. But there
is conflict that we resolve and deal with in a
healthy manner. But then there's manipulation and all the negative
stuff that I just spoke about.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
There's a lot of people that I know over the
course of the years that you know it just does
slowly dissolved the relationship, the friendship its just it, you know.
They you evolve, yeah, you you go this way and
I know that way. But there's really no hard feelings.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
Yeah, there's no hard feelings and it's a natural ending.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
Yeah, yeah, you know. Seasons, So there's a lot of that.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
There's a lot of that, seasons, reasons, lifetime. But as
the person who sent in the question was saying, it
is a long term friendship, a lot of time and
a lot of emotions invested in it, and then she
was over the years feeling yucky, feeling like it was
something that was always about the other person, a lot
of competition. It sounds like there was some jealousy. All
(34:41):
that all the formula of a very toxic relationship that
needs to end. But let's just you know, circling back
to that question which led to this discussion, I want
to say, my friend you sent in this question, thank
you so much for sharing and listeners out there you
might be relating to this other person who sent in
the question. Let me just tell you something. You are
(35:02):
not stuck. You have a decision to make terminate the
relationship or adjust your expectations. We all have choices, and
sometimes those choices are not easy, but we all have
a choice. That is our one superpower in life. You
might be thinking I don't have one, Yes, you do.
That is the one superpower we have in our life.
(35:24):
We have the power to choose the people that we
are going to invest our time and effort and energy in.
And again, guys, like I said last week, time is
our most valuable currency. And at the age of fifty five,
my time is running out. So I want to spend it. Well,
I don't want to spend it in toxic relationships. And
it's okay. If you think, you know, oh my god,
(35:46):
this another friendship is ending and I thought we were
doing so well, It's okay. We have other people that
we can choose from. And you know, look at yourself,
reflect back on the friendship and ask yourself what it is,
How did I contribute to the toxicity, and how do
I need to not do this again in my life.
So again, my friend, you have the superpower to choose. Now,
(36:07):
if you decide to terminate the friendship, choose your method.
It's going to be a direct conversation, which most people
don't want to do. But hey, maybe you've got to
learn to do that. It's going to be a gradual
avoidance or an abrupt ending. It just depends on the circumstance.
But in this situation, it sounds like you know, I
would suggest a direct conversation or just a gradual avoidance
(36:27):
of the person. Trust your gut. Remember, just because we
have a history with that person, like this person does
twenty years invested in this friendship, it doesn't mean we
have to have a present and a future with them.
Just listen to that. Just because we have a history
with them, we don't we'd have to have a future.
We don't have to have a present in the here
(36:49):
and now. You can make a different decision. I often
hear this. This person has been in my life for
so many years. We do so many things together. There's
a ritual. Well, guess what get rid of that friend,
like you get rid of a bad habit. And I
know habits are really difficult to get rid of. But
habits make us or they break us. And you mentioned
jealousy and competitiveness. There is no room for jealousy and
(37:12):
competitiveness in a healthy relationship. It's toxic. And my friend
you also mentioned, and you guys listening out there. I
often hear this, you're afraid because you don't want to
lose the friendship. Well, if it's a toxic friendship, it's
not giving you anything but negativity, and you're going to
lose yourself in the friendship, and that's not cool. You
(37:36):
rather lose yourself rather than the person. You're not respecting
yourself very much, and it is not a true friend
We talked about that last time. People who are afraid
to set boundaries for themselves often say things like that,
guys embrace yourself rather than fully embracing the toxicity. And
sometimes people are used to toxic relationships they can't see
(37:56):
it for what it is. And I hope today you
have learned to identify some of the things. Well you've
learned to identify if you're in one or not, I hope.
So you have to come to the awareness that this
is what it is. But once you come to the awareness,
like I talk about in my book, what are you
going to do about it? Action? Action? Action words are
(38:18):
not enough.
Speaker 1 (38:18):
I got a quick question for you, So you're talking
about you, we should talk this out. Any advice on where,
like would you go to Panera's or would you grab
a bottle of wine and come over to my house. Well,
what are you looking at?
Speaker 2 (38:31):
That's a good question because there's pros and constant both scenarios. Right,
I might go, I might choose panera because guess what,
in a public setting, people are less likely to.
Speaker 1 (38:42):
Have a melt own.
Speaker 2 (38:44):
They are, They're less likely to have a melt on.
But again, if it's a toxic person, and they might
not have any boundaries, and they might not have any
rules of engagement in terms of in being in it,
it could be embarrassing. Yeah, it could be embarrassing, but
that's on them and not on you. You're not responsible
for how they react. So I think at public setting
you have more buffers in place. Private setting, get ready
(39:06):
for the backlash, but that might be what's needed. You know,
in a private setting you can say what you really
think and what you really feel. And of course in
both scenarios you can walk away. You have the power
and the choice to walk away, but do not let
yourself be manipulated again into staying in the relationship when
you've decided beforehand that you are going to meet this
(39:28):
person to end the relationship. If I know that I'm
going to meet with you to end this toxic relationship.
The worst thing to do is walk out of there
with another you know, Oh my god, here we go again.
Greg didn't get my message, and here I am feeling
manipulated again. That's on you. Like I said, your superpower
is your power to choose what you're going to do.
(39:48):
And if you've decided that terminating this relationship, then you've
got to walk away with Okay, it's terminated, but I
want to tell you something. You can also adjust your
expectations if you don't want to terminate the relationship, although
you know it's toxic. I always think terminating is best.
But if you feel that perhaps some things can change
over time, I always have hope that people can change.
(40:11):
You can adjust your expectations and of course depend decide
on how you're going to spend time with that person,
and time will tell is this going to get better
or is it going to get worse. And again, if
you've given this person multiple chances to not be so
toxic and get some help, and you can say that,
you know, maybe we need a break. I need some help,
and maybe you need to get some help so we
(40:32):
can be in a better place together again. If it's
a relationship that you think you can work on and
the friendship can get better, okay. But if it's not
and your goal is to terminate and you walk away
not doing that, you've just been manipulated. You allowed somebody
to manipulate you, which is behavior that toxic relationships often exhibit.
Speaker 1 (40:53):
So next week, can we talk about mother and laws
not just getting just kidding?
Speaker 2 (40:57):
Yeah, okay, Well we can talk about fans family toxicity
for sure. Okay again, guys, I talk a lot about
this stuff in my book. You can read all about
it and unbleep your life and Relationships. It's available on
Simon and Schuster. It's available on Amazon, and if those
two sites don't work for you, google it. I'm sure
you can find it somewhere else. It's also in Barnes
(41:18):
and Noble. Again, guys, this show is all about talking
about relationships and our mental health. Everything starts from the
inside out. We need to look inward before we can
look outward in all kinds of relationships, including friendships, familial relationships,
and of course, our romantic relationships. We will continue discussions
(41:41):
about relationships and mental health next week. Have a great week, guys,
talk to you next week,
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