May 26, 2024 • 41 mins
There are three words that we all need to learn to say in relationships, as easy as it may seem to say them with authenticity, many of us struggle with just getting them out! What are they, why is it so hard to say them, and how can we learn to express them with intention, purpose and meaning? Our ability to internalize these words will help us to build, develop, nurture and maintain healthy relationships from the inside out. Tune in and get UNBLEEPED with Anita Astley!
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(00:01):
Relationships, whether romantic, platonic,familial, are complicated and can be downright
messy, bringing out the best andworst in all of us. Here's an
opportunity for you to learn effective,concrete strategies to help you build healthy relationships
from the inside out. It's onBleep Your Life and Relationships with host Anita
(00:22):
Aslak, psychotherapist of over twenty fiveyears. Hey guys, welcome to another
episode of Unbleep Your Life and Relationships. I'm your host, Anita Ashley.
We talk about all kinds of thingson this show related to mental health and
relationships. You know, relationships aren'tcomplicated. I'm sure you know that by
now, as do I. Andwe have to start looking within ourselves.
(00:46):
I know most of us look forsolutions outside of ourselves, right Greg.
Greg is in studio with me tomake this show happen. Thank you Greg
for being here and supporting and hedoes add some insight, you know,
as a being a male and I'mthe female over here. But let's get
to it. So today, youknow, as I always say, we're
going to what are we going totalk about today? And I think about
my week and I think about someof the stuff that's happening in my sessions.
(01:08):
I'm still practicing, as you guysmight know, And last week I
was thinking that. Last week therewas this theme of helping people say some
very important things in their relationship.Let me just start off by saying,
Greg, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty faulty. We all
have our faults, know it.Yeah, some people are not able to
(01:32):
admit it as easily as other people. So I'll tell you this, Guys,
we're all faulty. It's okay.There's nothing wrong with you. If
there is something wrong with you,If that makes any sense, it just
depends on what that thing is andhow it stops us from progressing in our
relationships. There are two things,in addition to many that are guaranteed in
(01:52):
life. Do you want to takea guess? No, but I'm not
ok because it's too many. Right. We will hurt somebody and we will
be hurt. Oh that's pretty simple, right in relationships because people don't want
this. I don't want to hurtanybody. I never hurt anybody, and
I don't feel that much pain oftenmyself. Let's get real. We will
(02:14):
hurt somebody, and we will hurtourselves. Now, there's three magical words,
and I really mean that, magicalwords that can transform and turn some
of that stuff around that goes onin our relationships. I'm not going to
ask you to guess, Greg,I'm just gonna give it to you.
They are very important words if wevalue the relationship. Here they come,
(02:37):
ready, guys, I am sorry. Oh I knew you were going there.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I a fed up, I'm
sorry I did this, I'm sorryI did that. But so many people
struggle with saying I am sorry.They get stuck in this polarization with their
partner. They're waiting for that apologyto come to them, and when it
(02:58):
doesn't come, there's a lot ofupset. And then you have other people
who reflexively apologize you. I've knownpeople like that, I'm sorry, I'm
I didn't mean it, I'm sorry, everything is i'm sorry. But then
you think, Okay, your apologydoesn't mean anything because you're constantly saying i'm
sorry. And if you're one ofthose people, you need to stab and
think about what's going on with youthat you need to say that. Are
(03:21):
you becoming a doormat for people?But there's something going on inside of you
that you need to reflexively say you'resorry. That's the other extreme, And
of course everything starts from the insideout, so you need to reflect and
look back. But today we're talkingabout saying those three words to our partner,
to somebody in our family, ourneighbor, somebody at work, because
(03:42):
again, we are not We areall faulty. No one is perfect.
Now, why do you think peoplehave trouble apologizing ego? Absolutely, we
don't want to admit I got it. You pass a test, say ego.
You know it's an ego issue.We want to protect the ego at
all costs. We don't want ourego to be injured. And I don't
(04:02):
know if you'd be surprised by thisor not. Women apologize much more,
if we look at the research,than men do. And it goes back
to the ego. We want toproject a certain amount of strength and power.
And also we want to push blameaway. We don't want blame to
come towards us. We want topush it to somebody else. But guess
what, sometimes we are to blameand we need to own it. Only
(04:27):
shi t I can't say it,but I spelt it out. We need
to own our own stuff. Andsometimes we are in circumstances and we don't
want to apologize, and we'll usethe circumstances as an excuse. Oh,
I was drunk. I didn't meanto say that to you. We can't
use that. No, it's notan apology number one, and it's not
an excuse for something that you've done. We also want to minimize the consequences
(04:50):
of what we've said or what we'vedone. Oh, that was nothing.
You shouldn't be hurt by that,And yet that doesn't resolve anything. That's
not an apologies. Wishy washy.Don't you minimizing the blame? Bason?
Yeah, how can you tell meif I need an apology or that I'm
hurt? Why are you so angryabout that? Exactly? Questioning why I
(05:13):
need what I need. They don'tfeel it's necessary, and we don't want
to be We don't want to appearto be vulnerable, and we going back
to the male ego. Love youguys, but you know men can Somebody
be very stubborn about that, andwe don't want to be judged. We
feel that people are going to judgeus if we say we're sorry, like
somehow we've made a mistake. Butguess what, sometimes and somehow you do
(05:36):
make mistakes and that's okay. Sosaying sorry, guys, is not giving
up your power. It is actuallythe opposite. When we are able to
say sorry to someone, we areowning our power. It's quite the opposite.
It is not a vulnerability. Itis a strength to do that.
So I'm so it's a strength tosay I'm sorry, you're Actually is this
(06:00):
a positive? Basically it's very positive. Saying sorry is not giving up your
power. It is actually owning yourpower and then choosing to do something positive
for the relationship. If you valuethe relationship. If you don't value the
relationship, then you might not think, well, I'm not gonna apologize.
I don't really care, And hopefullythe other person picks up on that and
is not chasing you for an apology, and then you can both move forward.
(06:26):
But people in relationships become very stubbornand polarized when there's a fight.
Usually there's a fight and somebody feelsthat the other person owes an apology.
So there's somebody waiting for that apology. But what I'll tell you to do
is stop, stop the waiting,be proactive. Don't wait. You have
to take the power and go tothe person and say, listen, I
(06:50):
am sorry. This tension, thisanxiety, all the stuff that happened between
us is not acceptable to me.I can't sleep at night. I'm depressed,
I have anxiety. And my fantasyabout what's going on in your head
is this. And you know what, our fantasies always are greater than the
reality of what is going on.And imagine I've been in a situation where
(07:13):
I've had a conflict with somebody andI just want it to be over.
I want some resolution, but Iknow that somebody needs to take a step
forward. And usually in relationships,that's me because over time, I've learned
that it's a strength and powerful positionto apologize to someone else. What about
this You need to apologize? Yeah, you need to apologize. I would
(07:34):
say, well, I don't needto do anything, and stop telling me
what I need to do. Youknow, if you're going if you're going
to take that stance, it's notgoing to work. So be proactive,
meaning approach the person and tell them, hey, I know something happened between
us. I'm not really sure whatI don't want to speak for you.
I can only speak for myself.But I'm sorry that we're in this situation.
(07:59):
I am sorry that we're in thissituation. That's really important, and
that's very different to people saying,well, I don't want to say i'm
sorry, because if I say i'msorry, I'm accepting responsibility. I'm taking
all of it upon myself. You'renot. So it's separating that the situation
from what was actually discussed. Forexample, we're having a discussion, it
(08:22):
turns into a heating, heated moment, and I say something to you that's
very hurtful, and then we walkaway and so forth, and you're sitting
there thinking, she owes me anapology for that? Why does she say
that to me? And I'm sittingthere thinking, oh my god, I
can't believe all of that stuff happened. At some point, I hope that
we can come together. One ofus will have to take that step,
(08:45):
and I hope both people feel likethat because it's more conciliatory. But I
can say to you, I'm sorryfor the way it turned out, and
I called you that name. Ishould not have done that. That's very
different too. Well, we havea difference of opinion in what we were
talking about. People in these situationsoften get stuck in the right or wrong
(09:05):
dance. Is there a process thatyou know to avoid this down the road
the kind of thing. Yeah,and I'm going to get to that.
I have a great example to demonstratethat. But before I get to that,
I want to talk about more aboutthe right and wrong dance. Okay,
when there's a fight, there's generallya polarization, and there is this
perception that my feelings are the onlyright ones, my partner's feelings are the
(09:28):
wrong ones, and I need toconvince them that they should be thinking and
feeling what I'm thinking and feeling.And that's not going to happen. So
then you have a clash. Thenyou're going to defend your position. I'm
going to defend my position. Andyou know, if you've been listening to
our previous shows, we talked aboutconflict and confrontation and how do we have
a conflict resolution. We need tohave a conversation. But before we can
(09:52):
do that, in the fighting process, a lot of stuff is said that's
hurtful on both sides. So I'mnot talking about the very black and white
situations where there's infidelity, I mean, there's the severity of the crime,
right, I mean, you can'tjust say I'm sorry and you know everything's
gonna be fine. That doesn't happen. But we're talking about interpersonal miscommunications,
interpersonal misinterpretations of what the actual personis saying and what you've actually heard.
(10:18):
And that's the stuff that causes allthese little things that happened between people.
One of my professors I remember tellingme, you know, when people are
struggling and there's a lot of conflict, it's generally a result of the mismanagement
of people by people. Think aboutthat when you think about some of the
issues you're struggling with. Somewhere,somehow in your life, there has been
(10:39):
a mismanagement of the relationship. Andrelationships are not linear, guys. They
are bi directional. What does thatmean. It's not a one way street,
like I do something to you andthen something happens. I do something
to you, you have a reaction, and then you do something back to
me. There by direction, itgoes both ways. We're gonna talk more
(11:03):
about that when we come back fromthis commercial break. Unbleep your life and
relationships with anyed assets. Everyone strivesfor healthier relationships. Here's more of Unbleep
Your Life and Relationships on News TalkEleve wisn Hey, guys, welcome back
to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.I'm your host, Anita Astley. I'm
(11:24):
a licensed individual, couples and Familytherapist and recently came out with a book
called Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.You can find it on Amazon and Simon
and Schuster. I've been helping peopleunbleep their life and relationships for about twenty
five years. My goal in thisshow is to help you do some of
that in your own life, withinyourself and with the people around you.
(11:48):
And relationships, guys, as I'vesaid before, are not just romantic ones.
We are all in a relationship first, the one we have with ourselves.
Yeah, you know that one thatyou talked to some Sometimes your answer
back, sometimes you don't, right. It's the stories we tell ourselves.
But then we have relationships with ourneighbor people at work. They're unavoidable.
(12:09):
We are all a part of them. If you guys have some questions to
send in for this show or somecomments, you can email me at Anita
Ashley dot com. You can findmy website Wwwaskanita Asley, and I'm also
on Instagram at Askanita Asley. I'mthe most active on that platform. Now
(12:31):
let's get back to what we weretalking about today. I'm sorry. Yeah,
you better be excited for what youdid. That's not a good receiver
of that apology. But I amsorry are the most difficult words to say
for some people, but they're themost important words to say in a relationship,
whether it's in your family or withyour significant other, because we are
(12:54):
all faulty, and we all makemistakes and we need to own some of
that stuff. So there's a lotof barriers. We just spoke about some
of those barriers, that ego beingone of the most important ones. And
of course it depends on what weare saying sorry for and what we're expecting
an apology for. There's severe thingslike infidelity and jeating that deserves the whole
(13:16):
thing, like I was talking aboutbefore, But like I just said in
the previous segment, it's usually miscommunication, misinterpretation, and in the midst of
a fight, sometimes not even wheresomething has gone wrong. But we can
all agree that there are hurt feelingsall around and if the relationship is important
to us, we need to dealwith those hurt feelings, and someone in
(13:37):
that situation needs to come forward.And I was saying, you know,
take that role. It's a verypowerful position to be the one to come
forward. We don't want to bestuck in the right and wrong dance,
which I talked about more in detailin my book in chapter six and bleeping
the right and wrong. Now,let's think about it this way. In
my book, there's an illustration,but obviously you can't see that the number
(14:01):
six the number six depending on whereyou're standing. If I cut out the
number six and I said, okay, you stand on one end, Greg,
and I'm going to stand on thisend, it could either be a
six or it could be a nine, depending on where you're standing. Right,
And you and I can argue allday about no, you're right,
I'm right, you're wrong it's asix. So you're going to say,
(14:22):
no, it's a nine. Butif I move over to your side,
I will see what you're seeing.I will have an understanding of your perspective.
And I'm sharing that because it's reallyimportant in these situations in life in
general, to acknowledge that there's adifferent reality of a situation. There's a
different perception, there's a different experienceof a situation. Yours is not wrong,
(14:48):
mine is not absolutely right. Butit just depends on where we're standing.
Does that make any sense? Yeah, imagine it. We're looking at
the same thing, but our positioningwill determine what we think and feel about
it. So this whole battle weget into people with miscommunications is I'm right,
you're wrong, and all of thatand lasts for days and weeks,
(15:09):
and I think, oh my god, it's this lingering cancer in relationships.
We taught I talked about that before. It's malignant and if you don't deal
with it in a correct fashion,it's not going to turn out well for
your relationship. If you are feeling, oh yeah, I walked away and
I'm right and she's wrong. Lookwhat I've proven. You've proven that the
relationship is not going to work inthe long term. You've proven that you're
(15:31):
kind of an ass. You're notlistening, You're not listening to your partner.
And then it's really difficult to sayI'm sorry. The more the time
goes by between what's happened and yourinability to apologize. The more anxiety you're
going to have and the greater thefantasy has become about what's really going on
(15:52):
with the other person. I've donethat where I'm like thinking, oh my
gosh, you know, I wonderwhat she's thinking about it, and all
this drama, all this stuff.I'm creative, and I'm wasting so much
energy on that without actually checking inwith that person. So over the years,
there are a lot of therapy inmy training. I've realized that the
best thing to do is for meto come forward, be proactive. I
(16:12):
just mentioned that what is it tobe proactive? To be proactive means take
control of the situation, do notwait for the other person. Most people
are reactive, and yeah, we'reall reactive in the midst of the fight,
but later on, I want toencourage you to be proactive. Think
about what you're going to do,Think about what this person means in your
(16:34):
life and if they are valuable toyou, go into the relationship, move
forward and say I am sorry forthis outcome, not necessarily for you know,
the situation in terms of I don'tagree with you, but I'm sorry
at the way that it all transpired. What about if somebody says, well,
if we agree to disagree, isthat good or bad? I agree,
(16:57):
No, yeah, no, no, it's perfectly fine because you're respecting
that we are not mere images ofthe other. That's sometimes what we need
to do, because we have twoidentities. You're you, I'm me,
and we're not always going to seeeye to eye. I'm not going to
see that as a nine, andyou're not going to see it as a
six. Even so, even ifyou make a little bit of a shift,
but you actually can say, hey, I acknowledge that from where you're
(17:18):
standing, it looks like a six, and from where I'm standing, it
looks like a nine, and wewill just agree to disagree rather than go
on and on and on with thisbattle. But we could say, hey,
I'm really sorry. I have triedto see your perspective, and we're
just going to agree to disagree,and just saying the three words, as
I said before, are the mostpowerful words you can say in a relationship.
(17:41):
And you've got to get over yourselfif you think you're too good to
say i'm sorry. And I've workedwith people like that. They have so
much trouble saying i'm sorry, butI'll tell you something. They also have
a graveyard of relationships. Oh okay, they can go to bed with their
pride alone every night. They cango out to dinner alone with their pride
(18:03):
every night, and that's a lonelyplace to be. So in life,
guys, we need to be ableto say I am sorry for the hurt
that I've caused. It's not thecontent again, it's the process. I
want to work this out with you, and I'm sorry about what's happened.
They're good, and as I've sharedbefore, I mean, there are certain
things that are clearly right, andthere's certain things that are clearly wrong,
(18:26):
and saying I'm sorry is a startto repairing that. But then there's all
the interpersonal miscommunications that I've talked about. So let me give you an example
of a couple that I remember talkingto last week and they were talking about
how, you know, they weretrying to resolve a problem, and then
she left and felt like, ohmy gosh, you're not even listening to
(18:48):
what I'm saying and this is reallyhurtful to me. And then he walked
away and said, well, Iwas trying, and you know. Of
course, two couple of weeks later, they come and talk to me about
it, and I was able tohelp the reframe. And I want you
guys to listen to this, andwe're gonna unpack this example. And I
encourage him, I said, andyou guys listening out there, if you're
in a similar situation, listen tothis apology. There's a way to apologize
(19:12):
to someone, and that there isa right way, and there's definitely a
wrong way. Let's let's let's workthis out. I'm sorry that I wasn't
listening to you when you were sharingsomething important with me. I will do
better next time by putting my phoneaway and still sitting with you at the
table and listening. I see howhurt you are. Let's unpack that.
(19:34):
The apology is direct, there's noexcuses or wishy washy words. It's I
am sorry, no variations of that. That's the most important thing to do
when you're apologizing. We don't needto be wishy washy, be direct,
use the correct language. Taking responsibilityfor their role in the outcome. I
he said, I wasn't listening,So he's taking ownership and he's pointing out
(19:57):
what he did wrong. He's notblamed her. He didn't say I wasn't
listening because you're yelling. It's notabout her, It's about you and what
you did in that moment. Yes, she may have been shouting, because
you know, I remember her sayingwell, him saying, well, she
was shouting at me. I said, it doesn't matter. You did certain
things. Own your role in thatoutcome, and be apologetic for that.
(20:18):
Own it by using eye language,acknowledge what she was doing and you weren't
doing. She was sharing important feelingsand you weren't listening. You were being
dismissive. The other thing you needto do when you're looking at what I
just shared with you. The otherpart of this example that's very powerful is
acknowledging what she was doing and whatyou weren't doing. Sharing important feelings.
(20:41):
Also acknowledging the hurt feelings. Isee how this hurts you. Acknowledging the
hurt feelings, I see how thishurts you. You're also sharing specifically how
you're going to do better next time. You're gonna put away the phone and
you're going to sit at the table. So this is the proper way to
appoint apologize to someone. The badthe wrong way to apologize to someone we
(21:04):
you know, we talked about thata little bit at the beginning, you
know, when Greg said you needto do this and you need to do
that, I'm like, no,I don't need to do anything right away.
Shut down. That's not inviting anythingbut negativity. Bad apologies always include
butt I'm so sorry, but ifyou hadn't yelled at me, I'm so
(21:25):
sorry, but if you hadn't donethat. There's a huge difference when we
use but we're totally negating everything wesaid before that that does not work.
It's only gonna, you know,shut the other person down and perpetuate the
conflict, which is not the goalof an apology. Bad apologies are blame
oriented. There's no acknowledgment, excuseme of other person's hurt. There's no
(21:48):
accountability or responsibility ever. And it'sinauthentic, Like I'm just saying I'm sorry,
Greg, and I'll walk away,and you're like, what were you
sorry for? What does this actuallymean? I'm just doing that because i'd
I want to talk about it anymore. And I'm sorry to say this.
Men do this more often than womenbecause they want to avoid the conflict.
I'm just going to say I'm sorryto shut her up so we don't have
(22:08):
to keep talking about this. You'relaughing, You're like, yeah, I've
done that before. We're all guiltyof it. It's okay, we're all
guilty of trying to avoid that.But when you do that, you're shutting
the situation down and nothing positive isgoing to happen when you're saying sorry,
Be authentic like I just said toyou before, and own some of what
(22:29):
needs to be corrected. So abad way to do it is don't use
the word butt and don't use accusatorylanguage like I say what you did was
wrong. Be very specific, andbe very clear. We're going to talk
a little bit more about this andhave a caller who's going to join us
after this break is where sychophons andhills are shut and commitment to the unvarnished
(22:52):
truth is sustained. Just one reasonthat this is Wisconsin's most listened to radio
station, News Talk eleven thirty WYSAD. Anita Ashley has more advice on how
to on bleep your Life and Relationshipson News Talk eleven thirty WYSAD. Hey,
(23:14):
guys, welcome back to Unbleep yourLife and Relationships. I'm your host
Anita Astley, psychotherapist of twenty fiveyears and published author of Unbleep Your Life
and Relationships, available on Amazon andSimon and Schuster. Today we are talking
about saying I am sorry, themost important three words you could utter in
a relationship, but sometimes the mostdifficult. We just talked about all of
(23:37):
that. We talked about the personwho apologizes. But let's take a little
I'm gonna give you a little bitof information on being the receiver of that
apology. Now, just because you'veapologized, doesn't mean that person is just
going to jump into your arms andeverything is healed and it's all good.
No, give the receiver of theapology some time and some space to take
(23:59):
in what you've apologized for and comeback to you. And sometimes people will
say, well, it's been acouple of weeks and theolog they're not coming
back to me. They're not acceptingor acknowledge of my apology. What should
I do? Well, it depends, of course, the relationship and guess
what. If the person is notvaluing you, then maybe you need to
think about that relationship. But atleast you can walk away feeling like you've
(24:21):
done something to make yourself less anxiousand there's some closure possibly on that relationship
and you can move on. Andif you're the receiver of an apology,
and I get it, healing takestime, forgiveness takes time. That's a
whole other episode that we're going todo, at least minimally acknowledge the person's
apology. Thank you so much thatyou've apologized for you know how this has
(24:45):
all come to me. I justneed some time and I need some space
to process. So it's a twoway interaction that takes place. Both people
have to be patient with the otherif they care about the relationship to move
forward again. And the three mostimportant words we need to know, I
am sorry. That's the tips thatI have for you today. But we
(25:07):
are to have a caller who isgoing to discuss some of this stuff with
us and you guys, if youwant to call in, you can message
me at Anita Asley dot com andalso on my Instagram page asking you to
ask me. But let's get tothe caller. Welcome to our show.
Caller. How can I help youunbleep some of the stuff you're going through
today? Hi, Anita, thankyou so much for having me we'd love
(25:30):
to have you on the show.All right, So we're talking about apologizing.
Well, the first thing for meis sometimes people sit on it for
a long time, and I thinkit's important to acknowledge it right away because
otherwise we get into this emotional turmoiland then we lash out, and I
don't think it's fair for either party. Okay, So when you say they
(25:51):
sit on it for a long time, that means different things to be different
people. What I mean is,you know, something happened and then somebody's
so scared of them bringing it up, or they don't think the apology is
necessary, or like for me,for example, you know, I go
into this place of like was itreally that bad? Do I really need
(26:11):
an apology? And so you know, it takes me a while to like
really acknowledge my feelings, and thenoftentimes I just ignore it and then just
keep going forward and then the resentmentbuild and build. Yeah, ignoring it
is not the solution. That's avoidingit. What I would say to you
if you're questioning that, like doI really need an apology, maybe that's
(26:32):
something going on inside of you devaluingyourself, like somehow you've been made to
feel that you're not worthy of anapology. Clearly something is going on,
something went on in that interaction thatyou need something from that person, and
if not an apology, at leasta conversation to say, hey, I'm
not feeling cool about what happened lasttime. Can we talk about it?
(26:53):
So maybe it's not necessarily an apology, it's something you need to clarify what's
going on. Maybe it is,and you need to go inward and ask
yourself, is it hard for youto even seek an apology from somebody else
because of the way you feel aboutyourself? As I started the show off
by saying, we need to goinward, and sometimes people's sense of value
(27:17):
for themselves is so low. I'mnot saying that's you again. I'm not
doing therapy here, just sharing myexpert opinion and my advice that we don't
think we're worthy of an apology.And I'm saying to you, well,
even if it's a little part ofyou that feels that it's time to have
the conversation with the other person,and maybe that person will recognize that and
say, hey, yeah, you'reright. I didn't need to hurt your
feelings. I am sorry right,right, And it's three very very easy
(27:41):
words to do. But I thinkfor me what happens is like, for
example, you know, it's likeyou made me feel this way, you
did this. Instead I kind offlip it around and say, I'm feeling
you know, because people, forme, I've learned that they can't argue
with how you're feeling. I'm feelinglike you dismissed me, not you dismiss
me. That makes sense, Yes, it does. And that's what I
(28:03):
was talking about before the Right orWrong dance. I can't tell you how
you feel. You are the ownerof your feelings. I am the owner
of my feelings. And I,as I was saying earlier on in this
show, when it comes to feelings, there's no right or wrong. You
can't tell me how I feel.I can't tell you how you feel.
But I can listen, and Ican validate, and I can say okay,
(28:26):
I can be sorry for that.I can say I'm sorry I made
you feel this way. That wasnot my intention. There's a big difference
between that and possibly what the otherperson might be saying, which is hurtful,
like I'm not sorry at all.I don't acknowledge it. When people
say to me, I'm sorry youfeel that way, I just get very
triggered because I don't think it's afair apology. But it's not an apology.
(28:48):
I'm not maybe apologizing for whatever itis that we were fighting over,
but I am sorry that it hurtsyou. There's a difference, yes,
and I've heard that before. That'slame. That's really not an apology,
But I am trying to get toa middle ground with you where I want
to have further discussion. I understandthat perception about that's not really an apology,
but I'm not apologizing, but Iam sorry. I'm not apologizing perhaps
(29:11):
for the conflict that we were having, but I'm apologizing for the outcome the
process. Like I'm sorry that theactions that I took hurt you, but
I took them for this reason.And I might just say to you,
we're going to have to agree todisagree on that because I still think and
feel that they were the correct actionsfor me and for what was going on
within myself. But I am sorrythat it caused this hurt to you and
(29:36):
in our relationship. So let meask you, why is it so hard
for people to say I'm sorry becauseof the ego we talked, Yeah,
for man, it's generally an ego, and it's also they see it as
a one down position. But again, I want to help people today and
also you. Saying sorry is oneof the most powerful things you can do
in your relationships. It is notjust for the other person, it is
(29:57):
for yourself. For me, whenI I have a conflict going on,
it's like this heavy bag that I'mcarrying on my back and I'm thinking what
am I going to And it causessleepless nights, anxiety, depression, all
that kind of stuff, and thenI conjure up all these fantasies in my
head about what's going on. Whenthe fantasy is usually greater than the reality,
and I get tired. It's exhaustingcarrying that stuff around. So for
(30:18):
me, it's relieving myself of thatand putting the backpack down. And it's
happened in my life. I've liveda long life. I've been in a
lot of relationships, some disappointing andothers not. But the way I have
learned to approach that is to bethe proactive person, to go to that
person and say, listen, Ireally care about you. I really love
you and I care about this relationship, and I'm so sorry that we're at
(30:40):
this point in the relationship. Whatcan we do to move forward that is
a place of healing, that isinviting conversation, that is opening the door
rather than getting it and staying inmy polarized position. I'm just mad.
Well, how I'm gonna be mad? For life is too short, and
if it's important for me, I'mgoing to do something about it. Well,
for me, I know that Iknow that I don't feel worthy,
(31:02):
and then I catastrophize. Yes,I worry that if I bring this up,
then this person's going to, youknow, not acknowledge me, and
then they're going to invalidate my feelingsand the even and then this apology is
just it's just escalated. Yes,an internal dialogue in my head. Yes,
And you know you said you sharedsomething very important there, the sense
(31:22):
of worthiness, which is, youknow what I mentioned a couple of minutes
ago to you, is that youneed to feel you need to value yourself
to command an apology from someone else. You said earlier that maybe it's really
not an apology, it's something else. It sounds like it is an apology,
but you need to value yourself whereyou command that apology from that other
(31:45):
person because you feel something was donewrong to you and again having that conversation
with them, and if they don'tcome forward and engage with you, then
the relationship perhaps is not one thatyou should continue and maybe is not healthy
for you. So let let melike give you an example. So if
something happens to me, okay,so if I'm feeling this that it's going
(32:07):
on, should I acknowledge it rightair? Do you recommend that I take
a few moments, take it depressed? Maybe? I always think you need
to listen to my last podcast.I think people need to pause. We
need to press the pause button,and we need to reflect on what happened,
and we need to write some ofthose feelings and those thoughts down.
We are way too reactive, andthat's when a fight, you know,
(32:29):
gets kind of out of him andyou're like, what the hell happened?
And we end up saying things thatwe regret and we are sorry for,
but actually owning it and saying sorryare much more difficult. We can sit
in our own regret, we cansit in our own fantasies, but to
come forward and say the words isdifficult, So no, not right away,
think about it and then go backto the other person. I always
(32:50):
believe that we should gather our thoughts, press the pause button before we share
our thoughts and feelings, because itgives us time to become a little bit
more rational in a very emotional situation. And then what also the question what
do you think about asking somebody likewhat I feel like you owe me an
apology? Can you say I'm sorry? Is that? Is that the wrong
route to go? Well, youcan say I am feeling hurt by what
(33:13):
happened and I would like to talkto you about that, and she might
say to you, well, whatdo you need to feel better? And
you might say I need an authenticapology, And that person needs to think
about that because otherwise it's inauthentic,it's not real, and it's not going
to be helping your relationship to grow. It's going to come back in another
form and you're going to end upfeeling resentful again and also devalued. And
(33:37):
so I talked to you a bitabout this acronym that I use called jade.
Its stands for justify, Are youdefend? Explain? That's kind of
what I feel like. I knowit's very funny, but I feel like
a lot of people do that andI do that. I'm okay, I'm
guilty of that in myself. Youknow, you know, you owe me
apology? You did this, andI'll justify will you relate? Or I'll
argue with you, will you didthat to me? Or I'll defend myself
because I feel be little and Ihave to you know, all these things.
(34:00):
So I just feel like that acronymis very poignant in this sort of
apology situation. Yeah, that's aninteresting acronym. Thank you for sharing it.
But again I will say to you, approaching somebody with you owe me
apology doesn't work. You can sayI feel hurt by these are the things
that happened, and I'm worthy ofan apology, and let them think back,
(34:21):
because just saying okay, I'm sorryis in another form of dismissiveness and
it's not real and it's not authentic. Give the people, give the person
time to process, also, you'rehurt, and then give them time to
think about their role in what happened, and they then they can hopefully authentically
come to you and say, hey, yeah, I see what you're saying
(34:43):
and I'm sorry, I hurt you. Okay, so you know, and
I'm just going to talk about,you know, love relationships. We just
kind of just kind of pressed onfriendships. But it's very stereotypical. But
why is it so hard for mento apologize to women. Well, generally,
it's an ego. You know,they're protecting their ego and they've been
socialized and raised that way that theymust preserve their ego at all costs.
(35:07):
We all want to defend our ego, but men so more than other.
It's not an alpha position to apologizeor to say I'm sorry. That's slowly
changing, but it's also you know, women have a role in this because
we will Often it's the way weshut them down. Sometimes it's the way
that we treat them when they aretalking. Then they learn that, wait
a minute, I can't really bevulnerable in this relationship. I can't really
(35:30):
express what I'm saying, and aposition of I'm saying sorry is often perceived
as being vulnerable. So it isan interpersonal dynamic between people overall. Generally,
yes, women are better at apologizing, but also we have to think
about our relationship, what is goingon in my relationship with my man,
that it's hard for him to sharehis feelings, it's hard for him to
be vulnerable. What is my rolein that? Got it? Okay?
(35:53):
Got it? Yeah? Okay.We are running out of time, and
thank you so much for joining in. I know that you're out there in
California. It's early time for you. But thanks for joining us, and
hopefully you'll join us again next week. Absolutely, thank you so much for
having me, Anita. You're very, very helpful and knowledgeable, and I
love everything you have to say.I can't wait to read more of your
(36:14):
books. We're going to take abreak, but we will be back to
on Bleeping Your Life and Relationships.Back to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships on
news Talk eleven thirty wys Hey,guys, welcome back to n Bleep Your
Life and Relationships. I'm your host, Anita Astley. We are talking about
saying three very important words in yourrelationship. I am sorry. So important
(36:40):
to save them, but so difficultfor some people because they see it as
a one down position. Now letme just recap, Okay, So saying
sorry is a position of power,not a weakness. Sometimes it's an admission
of guilt, so of course it'staking responsibility and being held account of.
(37:00):
Other times, it's just apologizing forhow you were in a fight at a
process. I called you a name. I didn't mean to do that.
I was yelling, I wasn't listening. I didn't mean to do that.
I'm sorry. We all need tolearn to apologize because guess what, we
are not perfect. And if you'relistening and you've never apologized to somebody in
(37:22):
your life and relationships, you areprobably a very lonely person. And as
I mentioned, you have relationships witha lot of unresolved stuff, whether it's
in your family, your siblings,your neighbors, people at work, and
sometimes people take pride. I've heardthat I've never had to apologize to anyone,
and I'm just like, dude,well that's not something to brag about
(37:42):
because I've never met a perfect person. And if you think you're that perfect
person, we got a lot ofwork to do, We have a lot
of therapy to do. But I'mglad you're aware of it and you're sitting
in front of me because I'm gonnahelp you unbleep that. I'm going to
teach you how to say I amsorry. Saying I'm sorry to somebody and
straights emotional competence. It shows characterand it shows that you are not afraid
(38:06):
to be weak and vulnerable. Well, let me correct that, it's not
a weakness. You're not afraid tobe vulnerable. And just like the caller
was talking about her partner, herhusband or her boyfriend, I'm not sure
which one or both, I'm goingto get her in trouble you over here.
It's how we respond when our malepartner shares his thoughts and feelings.
(38:28):
She was saying how her partner hasa hard time saying the words i'm sorry.
Is this typical of men? AndI said, yeah, it kind
of is. But I want toreiterate that we when our men apologize to
us, or they don't, butthey're apologizing in a certain way, but
just trying to be vulnerable. Andyou can see how painful it is for
them because somewhere along the line,like in their family of origin, they
(38:49):
were very afraid to say those wordsand they wouldn't be treated as a man.
We got to just throw all ofthat in the garbage. But we
need to be able to listen tothem, We need to encourage them to
share their feelings of vulnerability and maybeone day they'll be able to say,
very directly, don't miss your words, I am so sorry that I hurt
you. It's important, you know, we talk about women being able to
(39:09):
do these things, men being ableto do these things. We all need
to be able to do them tobe in successful, healthy relationship. It
also there's a high level of awareness. So this guy, when he was
telling me he's never apologized, IMlike, dude, you have zero self
awareness because you actually think you goaround having perfect relationships. I could see
why you don't have any that wasHe's almost like the kind of guy that
(39:31):
would say, yeah, I'm sorry, but yeah, I'm sorry, but
it wasn't my fault. Let's behonest, which I just talked about.
That's not the way to apologize.Guys, do not ever put butt in
there. Do not ever say I'msorry, but I'm sorry. If you
hadn't yelled, or if you hadjust shut up, my I am you
(39:52):
can shut up, I can sayshut up, just say you're sorry.
Own your stuff in the relationship.We all have stuff, we all all
have a role in the drama that'sin our lives. People would often say
it's not my fault. I didn'thave anything to do with it. This
person wronged me. Okay, thatmight be the case, but you do
have a part in it. Idon't know what that part is. It
(40:14):
might be minimal. But if youhave a role in it, own it,
and if the relationship is important toyou, you're going to go forward
and say I'm sorry and work onit. It is not a one down
position. It is not a weakness. So I'm going to leave you with
that today, And if you wantto read more about this, you can
(40:35):
buy my book called Unbleep Your Lifeand Relationships. Chapter six I talk about
all of that kind of stuff,the right and wrong dance, which we
need to get out of. Alot of us get stuck in that.
Therefore, we can apologize because wethink we're right and our partner is wrong.
That's a lose lose situation. Learnmore. The book is available,
and if you want to follow meon social media, I'm most active on
(40:57):
my Instagram page called ask Anita Astley. That's the handle. And if you
want to come to my office andcome and see me and we got some
work to do, that's okay too. There's nothing wrong with saying Anita,
I need help. I don't knowhow to say I'm sorry. You know,
one of the most popular parts ofthis show is people calling in.
They can get a hold of youthat way too, through Instagram or whatever
they can. You can send mea DM as they call it. I
(41:20):
don't snapchat, but you can DMme sure, and then I'd love to
have you guys on. I lovethe engagement and we all need to be
unbleeped in our lives. Is nothingwrong with that, nothing to be ashamed
of. As I always say,everything starts from the inside out, and
everything starts with a conversation. Ifwe can't talk about it, we can't
unbleep it. And today I hopeif you can't say the words, please
(41:45):
write them down. I am sorry. What are we talking about next week?
I don't know. I'm sorry,Greg, I don't have an answer.
You can't do that. Stay tuned, guys, I'll see you next week.
Relationships, whether romantic, platonic,familial, are complicated and can be downright
messy, bringing out the best andworst in all of us. Here's an
opportunity for you to learn effective,concrete strategies to help you build healthy relationships
from the inside out. It's onBleep Your Life and Relationships with host Anita
(00:22):
Aslak, psychotherapist of over twenty fiveyears. Hey guys, welcome to another
episode of Unbleep Your Life and Relationships. I'm your host, Anita Ashley.
We talk about all kinds of thingson this show related to mental health and
relationships. You know, relationships aren'tcomplicated. I'm sure you know that by
now, as do I. Andwe have to start looking within ourselves.
(00:46):
I know most of us look forsolutions outside of ourselves, right Greg.
Greg is in studio with me tomake this show happen. Thank you Greg
for being here and supporting and hedoes add some insight, you know,
as a being a male and I'mthe female over here. But let's get
to it. So today, youknow, as I always say, we're
going to what are we going totalk about today? And I think about
my week and I think about someof the stuff that's happening in my sessions.
(01:08):
I'm still practicing, as you guysmight know, And last week I
was thinking that. Last week therewas this theme of helping people say some
very important things in their relationship.Let me just start off by saying,
Greg, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty faulty. We all
have our faults, know it.Yeah, some people are not able to
(01:32):
admit it as easily as other people. So I'll tell you this, Guys,
we're all faulty. It's okay.There's nothing wrong with you. If
there is something wrong with you,If that makes any sense, it just
depends on what that thing is andhow it stops us from progressing in our
relationships. There are two things,in addition to many that are guaranteed in
(01:52):
life. Do you want to takea guess? No, but I'm not
ok because it's too many. Right. We will hurt somebody and we will
be hurt. Oh that's pretty simple, right in relationships because people don't want
this. I don't want to hurtanybody. I never hurt anybody, and
I don't feel that much pain oftenmyself. Let's get real. We will
(02:14):
hurt somebody, and we will hurtourselves. Now, there's three magical words,
and I really mean that, magicalwords that can transform and turn some
of that stuff around that goes onin our relationships. I'm not going to
ask you to guess, Greg,I'm just gonna give it to you.
They are very important words if wevalue the relationship. Here they come,
(02:37):
ready, guys, I am sorry. Oh I knew you were going there.
Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I a fed up, I'm
sorry I did this, I'm sorryI did that. But so many people
struggle with saying I am sorry.They get stuck in this polarization with their
partner. They're waiting for that apologyto come to them, and when it
(02:58):
doesn't come, there's a lot ofupset. And then you have other people
who reflexively apologize you. I've knownpeople like that, I'm sorry, I'm
I didn't mean it, I'm sorry, everything is i'm sorry. But then
you think, Okay, your apologydoesn't mean anything because you're constantly saying i'm
sorry. And if you're one ofthose people, you need to stab and
think about what's going on with youthat you need to say that. Are
(03:21):
you becoming a doormat for people?But there's something going on inside of you
that you need to reflexively say you'resorry. That's the other extreme, And
of course everything starts from the insideout, so you need to reflect and
look back. But today we're talkingabout saying those three words to our partner,
to somebody in our family, ourneighbor, somebody at work, because
(03:42):
again, we are not We areall faulty. No one is perfect.
Now, why do you think peoplehave trouble apologizing ego? Absolutely, we
don't want to admit I got it. You pass a test, say ego.
You know it's an ego issue.We want to protect the ego at
all costs. We don't want ourego to be injured. And I don't
(04:02):
know if you'd be surprised by thisor not. Women apologize much more,
if we look at the research,than men do. And it goes back
to the ego. We want toproject a certain amount of strength and power.
And also we want to push blameaway. We don't want blame to
come towards us. We want topush it to somebody else. But guess
what, sometimes we are to blameand we need to own it. Only
(04:27):
shi t I can't say it,but I spelt it out. We need
to own our own stuff. Andsometimes we are in circumstances and we don't
want to apologize, and we'll usethe circumstances as an excuse. Oh,
I was drunk. I didn't meanto say that to you. We can't
use that. No, it's notan apology number one, and it's not
an excuse for something that you've done. We also want to minimize the consequences
(04:50):
of what we've said or what we'vedone. Oh, that was nothing.
You shouldn't be hurt by that,And yet that doesn't resolve anything. That's
not an apologies. Wishy washy.Don't you minimizing the blame? Bason?
Yeah, how can you tell meif I need an apology or that I'm
hurt? Why are you so angryabout that? Exactly? Questioning why I
(05:13):
need what I need. They don'tfeel it's necessary, and we don't want
to be We don't want to appearto be vulnerable, and we going back
to the male ego. Love youguys, but you know men can Somebody
be very stubborn about that, andwe don't want to be judged. We
feel that people are going to judgeus if we say we're sorry, like
somehow we've made a mistake. Butguess what, sometimes and somehow you do
(05:36):
make mistakes and that's okay. Sosaying sorry, guys, is not giving
up your power. It is actuallythe opposite. When we are able to
say sorry to someone, we areowning our power. It's quite the opposite.
It is not a vulnerability. Itis a strength to do that.
So I'm so it's a strength tosay I'm sorry, you're Actually is this
(06:00):
a positive? Basically it's very positive. Saying sorry is not giving up your
power. It is actually owning yourpower and then choosing to do something positive
for the relationship. If you valuethe relationship. If you don't value the
relationship, then you might not think, well, I'm not gonna apologize.
I don't really care, And hopefullythe other person picks up on that and
is not chasing you for an apology, and then you can both move forward.
(06:26):
But people in relationships become very stubbornand polarized when there's a fight.
Usually there's a fight and somebody feelsthat the other person owes an apology.
So there's somebody waiting for that apology. But what I'll tell you to do
is stop, stop the waiting,be proactive. Don't wait. You have
to take the power and go tothe person and say, listen, I
(06:50):
am sorry. This tension, thisanxiety, all the stuff that happened between
us is not acceptable to me.I can't sleep at night. I'm depressed,
I have anxiety. And my fantasyabout what's going on in your head
is this. And you know what, our fantasies always are greater than the
reality of what is going on.And imagine I've been in a situation where
(07:13):
I've had a conflict with somebody andI just want it to be over.
I want some resolution, but Iknow that somebody needs to take a step
forward. And usually in relationships,that's me because over time, I've learned
that it's a strength and powerful positionto apologize to someone else. What about
this You need to apologize? Yeah, you need to apologize. I would
(07:34):
say, well, I don't needto do anything, and stop telling me
what I need to do. Youknow, if you're going if you're going
to take that stance, it's notgoing to work. So be proactive,
meaning approach the person and tell them, hey, I know something happened between
us. I'm not really sure whatI don't want to speak for you.
I can only speak for myself.But I'm sorry that we're in this situation.
(07:59):
I am sorry that we're in thissituation. That's really important, and
that's very different to people saying,well, I don't want to say i'm
sorry, because if I say i'msorry, I'm accepting responsibility. I'm taking
all of it upon myself. You'renot. So it's separating that the situation
from what was actually discussed. Forexample, we're having a discussion, it
(08:22):
turns into a heating, heated moment, and I say something to you that's
very hurtful, and then we walkaway and so forth, and you're sitting
there thinking, she owes me anapology for that? Why does she say
that to me? And I'm sittingthere thinking, oh my god, I
can't believe all of that stuff happened. At some point, I hope that
we can come together. One ofus will have to take that step,
(08:45):
and I hope both people feel likethat because it's more conciliatory. But I
can say to you, I'm sorryfor the way it turned out, and
I called you that name. Ishould not have done that. That's very
different too. Well, we havea difference of opinion in what we were
talking about. People in these situationsoften get stuck in the right or wrong
(09:05):
dance. Is there a process thatyou know to avoid this down the road
the kind of thing. Yeah,and I'm going to get to that.
I have a great example to demonstratethat. But before I get to that,
I want to talk about more aboutthe right and wrong dance. Okay,
when there's a fight, there's generallya polarization, and there is this
perception that my feelings are the onlyright ones, my partner's feelings are the
(09:28):
wrong ones, and I need toconvince them that they should be thinking and
feeling what I'm thinking and feeling.And that's not going to happen. So
then you have a clash. Thenyou're going to defend your position. I'm
going to defend my position. Andyou know, if you've been listening to
our previous shows, we talked aboutconflict and confrontation and how do we have
a conflict resolution. We need tohave a conversation. But before we can
(09:52):
do that, in the fighting process, a lot of stuff is said that's
hurtful on both sides. So I'mnot talking about the very black and white
situations where there's infidelity, I mean, there's the severity of the crime,
right, I mean, you can'tjust say I'm sorry and you know everything's
gonna be fine. That doesn't happen. But we're talking about interpersonal miscommunications,
interpersonal misinterpretations of what the actual personis saying and what you've actually heard.
(10:18):
And that's the stuff that causes allthese little things that happened between people.
One of my professors I remember tellingme, you know, when people are
struggling and there's a lot of conflict, it's generally a result of the mismanagement
of people by people. Think aboutthat when you think about some of the
issues you're struggling with. Somewhere,somehow in your life, there has been
(10:39):
a mismanagement of the relationship. Andrelationships are not linear, guys. They
are bi directional. What does thatmean. It's not a one way street,
like I do something to you andthen something happens. I do something
to you, you have a reaction, and then you do something back to
me. There by direction, itgoes both ways. We're gonna talk more
(11:03):
about that when we come back fromthis commercial break. Unbleep your life and
relationships with anyed assets. Everyone strivesfor healthier relationships. Here's more of Unbleep
Your Life and Relationships on News TalkEleve wisn Hey, guys, welcome back
to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.I'm your host, Anita Astley. I'm
(11:24):
a licensed individual, couples and Familytherapist and recently came out with a book
called Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.You can find it on Amazon and Simon
and Schuster. I've been helping peopleunbleep their life and relationships for about twenty
five years. My goal in thisshow is to help you do some of
that in your own life, withinyourself and with the people around you.
(11:48):
And relationships, guys, as I'vesaid before, are not just romantic ones.
We are all in a relationship first, the one we have with ourselves.
Yeah, you know that one thatyou talked to some Sometimes your answer
back, sometimes you don't, right. It's the stories we tell ourselves.
But then we have relationships with ourneighbor people at work. They're unavoidable.
(12:09):
We are all a part of them. If you guys have some questions to
send in for this show or somecomments, you can email me at Anita
Ashley dot com. You can findmy website Wwwaskanita Asley, and I'm also
on Instagram at Askanita Asley. I'mthe most active on that platform. Now
(12:31):
let's get back to what we weretalking about today. I'm sorry. Yeah,
you better be excited for what youdid. That's not a good receiver
of that apology. But I amsorry are the most difficult words to say
for some people, but they're themost important words to say in a relationship,
whether it's in your family or withyour significant other, because we are
(12:54):
all faulty, and we all makemistakes and we need to own some of
that stuff. So there's a lotof barriers. We just spoke about some
of those barriers, that ego beingone of the most important ones. And
of course it depends on what weare saying sorry for and what we're expecting
an apology for. There's severe thingslike infidelity and jeating that deserves the whole
(13:16):
thing, like I was talking aboutbefore, But like I just said in
the previous segment, it's usually miscommunication, misinterpretation, and in the midst of
a fight, sometimes not even wheresomething has gone wrong. But we can
all agree that there are hurt feelingsall around and if the relationship is important
to us, we need to dealwith those hurt feelings, and someone in
(13:37):
that situation needs to come forward.And I was saying, you know,
take that role. It's a verypowerful position to be the one to come
forward. We don't want to bestuck in the right and wrong dance,
which I talked about more in detailin my book in chapter six and bleeping
the right and wrong. Now,let's think about it this way. In
my book, there's an illustration,but obviously you can't see that the number
(14:01):
six the number six depending on whereyou're standing. If I cut out the
number six and I said, okay, you stand on one end, Greg,
and I'm going to stand on thisend, it could either be a
six or it could be a nine, depending on where you're standing. Right,
And you and I can argue allday about no, you're right,
I'm right, you're wrong it's asix. So you're going to say,
(14:22):
no, it's a nine. Butif I move over to your side,
I will see what you're seeing.I will have an understanding of your perspective.
And I'm sharing that because it's reallyimportant in these situations in life in
general, to acknowledge that there's adifferent reality of a situation. There's a
different perception, there's a different experienceof a situation. Yours is not wrong,
(14:48):
mine is not absolutely right. Butit just depends on where we're standing.
Does that make any sense? Yeah, imagine it. We're looking at
the same thing, but our positioningwill determine what we think and feel about
it. So this whole battle weget into people with miscommunications is I'm right,
you're wrong, and all of thatand lasts for days and weeks,
(15:09):
and I think, oh my god, it's this lingering cancer in relationships.
We taught I talked about that before. It's malignant and if you don't deal
with it in a correct fashion,it's not going to turn out well for
your relationship. If you are feeling, oh yeah, I walked away and
I'm right and she's wrong. Lookwhat I've proven. You've proven that the
relationship is not going to work inthe long term. You've proven that you're
(15:31):
kind of an ass. You're notlistening, You're not listening to your partner.
And then it's really difficult to sayI'm sorry. The more the time
goes by between what's happened and yourinability to apologize. The more anxiety you're
going to have and the greater thefantasy has become about what's really going on
(15:52):
with the other person. I've donethat where I'm like thinking, oh my
gosh, you know, I wonderwhat she's thinking about it, and all
this drama, all this stuff.I'm creative, and I'm wasting so much
energy on that without actually checking inwith that person. So over the years,
there are a lot of therapy inmy training. I've realized that the
best thing to do is for meto come forward, be proactive. I
(16:12):
just mentioned that what is it tobe proactive? To be proactive means take
control of the situation, do notwait for the other person. Most people
are reactive, and yeah, we'reall reactive in the midst of the fight,
but later on, I want toencourage you to be proactive. Think
about what you're going to do,Think about what this person means in your
(16:34):
life and if they are valuable toyou, go into the relationship, move
forward and say I am sorry forthis outcome, not necessarily for you know,
the situation in terms of I don'tagree with you, but I'm sorry
at the way that it all transpired. What about if somebody says, well,
if we agree to disagree, isthat good or bad? I agree,
(16:57):
No, yeah, no, no, it's perfectly fine because you're respecting
that we are not mere images ofthe other. That's sometimes what we need
to do, because we have twoidentities. You're you, I'm me,
and we're not always going to seeeye to eye. I'm not going to
see that as a nine, andyou're not going to see it as a
six. Even so, even ifyou make a little bit of a shift,
but you actually can say, hey, I acknowledge that from where you're
(17:18):
standing, it looks like a six, and from where I'm standing, it
looks like a nine, and wewill just agree to disagree rather than go
on and on and on with thisbattle. But we could say, hey,
I'm really sorry. I have triedto see your perspective, and we're
just going to agree to disagree,and just saying the three words, as
I said before, are the mostpowerful words you can say in a relationship.
(17:41):
And you've got to get over yourselfif you think you're too good to
say i'm sorry. And I've workedwith people like that. They have so
much trouble saying i'm sorry, butI'll tell you something. They also have
a graveyard of relationships. Oh okay, they can go to bed with their
pride alone every night. They cango out to dinner alone with their pride
(18:03):
every night, and that's a lonelyplace to be. So in life,
guys, we need to be ableto say I am sorry for the hurt
that I've caused. It's not thecontent again, it's the process. I
want to work this out with you, and I'm sorry about what's happened.
They're good, and as I've sharedbefore, I mean, there are certain
things that are clearly right, andthere's certain things that are clearly wrong,
(18:26):
and saying I'm sorry is a startto repairing that. But then there's all
the interpersonal miscommunications that I've talked about. So let me give you an example
of a couple that I remember talkingto last week and they were talking about
how, you know, they weretrying to resolve a problem, and then
she left and felt like, ohmy gosh, you're not even listening to
(18:48):
what I'm saying and this is reallyhurtful to me. And then he walked
away and said, well, Iwas trying, and you know. Of
course, two couple of weeks later, they come and talk to me about
it, and I was able tohelp the reframe. And I want you
guys to listen to this, andwe're gonna unpack this example. And I
encourage him, I said, andyou guys listening out there, if you're
in a similar situation, listen tothis apology. There's a way to apologize
(19:12):
to someone, and that there isa right way, and there's definitely a
wrong way. Let's let's let's workthis out. I'm sorry that I wasn't
listening to you when you were sharingsomething important with me. I will do
better next time by putting my phoneaway and still sitting with you at the
table and listening. I see howhurt you are. Let's unpack that.
(19:34):
The apology is direct, there's noexcuses or wishy washy words. It's I
am sorry, no variations of that. That's the most important thing to do
when you're apologizing. We don't needto be wishy washy, be direct,
use the correct language. Taking responsibilityfor their role in the outcome. I
he said, I wasn't listening,So he's taking ownership and he's pointing out
(19:57):
what he did wrong. He's notblamed her. He didn't say I wasn't
listening because you're yelling. It's notabout her, It's about you and what
you did in that moment. Yes, she may have been shouting, because
you know, I remember her sayingwell, him saying, well, she
was shouting at me. I said, it doesn't matter. You did certain
things. Own your role in thatoutcome, and be apologetic for that.
(20:18):
Own it by using eye language,acknowledge what she was doing and you weren't
doing. She was sharing important feelingsand you weren't listening. You were being
dismissive. The other thing you needto do when you're looking at what I
just shared with you. The otherpart of this example that's very powerful is
acknowledging what she was doing and whatyou weren't doing. Sharing important feelings.
(20:41):
Also acknowledging the hurt feelings. Isee how this hurts you. Acknowledging the
hurt feelings, I see how thishurts you. You're also sharing specifically how
you're going to do better next time. You're gonna put away the phone and
you're going to sit at the table. So this is the proper way to
appoint apologize to someone. The badthe wrong way to apologize to someone we
(21:04):
you know, we talked about thata little bit at the beginning, you
know, when Greg said you needto do this and you need to do
that, I'm like, no,I don't need to do anything right away.
Shut down. That's not inviting anythingbut negativity. Bad apologies always include
butt I'm so sorry, but ifyou hadn't yelled at me, I'm so
(21:25):
sorry, but if you hadn't donethat. There's a huge difference when we
use but we're totally negating everything wesaid before that that does not work.
It's only gonna, you know,shut the other person down and perpetuate the
conflict, which is not the goalof an apology. Bad apologies are blame
oriented. There's no acknowledgment, excuseme of other person's hurt. There's no
(21:48):
accountability or responsibility ever. And it'sinauthentic, Like I'm just saying I'm sorry,
Greg, and I'll walk away,and you're like, what were you
sorry for? What does this actuallymean? I'm just doing that because i'd
I want to talk about it anymore. And I'm sorry to say this.
Men do this more often than womenbecause they want to avoid the conflict.
I'm just going to say I'm sorryto shut her up so we don't have
(22:08):
to keep talking about this. You'relaughing, You're like, yeah, I've
done that before. We're all guiltyof it. It's okay, we're all
guilty of trying to avoid that.But when you do that, you're shutting
the situation down and nothing positive isgoing to happen when you're saying sorry,
Be authentic like I just said toyou before, and own some of what
(22:29):
needs to be corrected. So abad way to do it is don't use
the word butt and don't use accusatorylanguage like I say what you did was
wrong. Be very specific, andbe very clear. We're going to talk
a little bit more about this andhave a caller who's going to join us
after this break is where sychophons andhills are shut and commitment to the unvarnished
(22:52):
truth is sustained. Just one reasonthat this is Wisconsin's most listened to radio
station, News Talk eleven thirty WYSAD. Anita Ashley has more advice on how
to on bleep your Life and Relationshipson News Talk eleven thirty WYSAD. Hey,
(23:14):
guys, welcome back to Unbleep yourLife and Relationships. I'm your host
Anita Astley, psychotherapist of twenty fiveyears and published author of Unbleep Your Life
and Relationships, available on Amazon andSimon and Schuster. Today we are talking
about saying I am sorry, themost important three words you could utter in
a relationship, but sometimes the mostdifficult. We just talked about all of
(23:37):
that. We talked about the personwho apologizes. But let's take a little
I'm gonna give you a little bitof information on being the receiver of that
apology. Now, just because you'veapologized, doesn't mean that person is just
going to jump into your arms andeverything is healed and it's all good.
No, give the receiver of theapology some time and some space to take
(23:59):
in what you've apologized for and comeback to you. And sometimes people will
say, well, it's been acouple of weeks and theolog they're not coming
back to me. They're not acceptingor acknowledge of my apology. What should
I do? Well, it depends, of course, the relationship and guess
what. If the person is notvaluing you, then maybe you need to
think about that relationship. But atleast you can walk away feeling like you've
(24:21):
done something to make yourself less anxiousand there's some closure possibly on that relationship
and you can move on. Andif you're the receiver of an apology,
and I get it, healing takestime, forgiveness takes time. That's a
whole other episode that we're going todo, at least minimally acknowledge the person's
apology. Thank you so much thatyou've apologized for you know how this has
(24:45):
all come to me. I justneed some time and I need some space
to process. So it's a twoway interaction that takes place. Both people
have to be patient with the otherif they care about the relationship to move
forward again. And the three mostimportant words we need to know, I
am sorry. That's the tips thatI have for you today. But we
(25:07):
are to have a caller who isgoing to discuss some of this stuff with
us and you guys, if youwant to call in, you can message
me at Anita Asley dot com andalso on my Instagram page asking you to
ask me. But let's get tothe caller. Welcome to our show.
Caller. How can I help youunbleep some of the stuff you're going through
today? Hi, Anita, thankyou so much for having me we'd love
(25:30):
to have you on the show.All right, So we're talking about apologizing.
Well, the first thing for meis sometimes people sit on it for
a long time, and I thinkit's important to acknowledge it right away because
otherwise we get into this emotional turmoiland then we lash out, and I
don't think it's fair for either party. Okay, So when you say they
(25:51):
sit on it for a long time, that means different things to be different
people. What I mean is,you know, something happened and then somebody's
so scared of them bringing it up, or they don't think the apology is
necessary, or like for me,for example, you know, I go
into this place of like was itreally that bad? Do I really need
(26:11):
an apology? And so you know, it takes me a while to like
really acknowledge my feelings, and thenoftentimes I just ignore it and then just
keep going forward and then the resentmentbuild and build. Yeah, ignoring it
is not the solution. That's avoidingit. What I would say to you
if you're questioning that, like doI really need an apology, maybe that's
(26:32):
something going on inside of you devaluingyourself, like somehow you've been made to
feel that you're not worthy of anapology. Clearly something is going on,
something went on in that interaction thatyou need something from that person, and
if not an apology, at leasta conversation to say, hey, I'm
not feeling cool about what happened lasttime. Can we talk about it?
(26:53):
So maybe it's not necessarily an apology, it's something you need to clarify what's
going on. Maybe it is,and you need to go inward and ask
yourself, is it hard for youto even seek an apology from somebody else
because of the way you feel aboutyourself? As I started the show off
by saying, we need to goinward, and sometimes people's sense of value
(27:17):
for themselves is so low. I'mnot saying that's you again. I'm not
doing therapy here, just sharing myexpert opinion and my advice that we don't
think we're worthy of an apology.And I'm saying to you, well,
even if it's a little part ofyou that feels that it's time to have
the conversation with the other person,and maybe that person will recognize that and
say, hey, yeah, you'reright. I didn't need to hurt your
feelings. I am sorry right,right, And it's three very very easy
(27:41):
words to do. But I thinkfor me what happens is like, for
example, you know, it's likeyou made me feel this way, you
did this. Instead I kind offlip it around and say, I'm feeling
you know, because people, forme, I've learned that they can't argue
with how you're feeling. I'm feelinglike you dismissed me, not you dismiss
me. That makes sense, Yes, it does. And that's what I
(28:03):
was talking about before the Right orWrong dance. I can't tell you how
you feel. You are the ownerof your feelings. I am the owner
of my feelings. And I,as I was saying earlier on in this
show, when it comes to feelings, there's no right or wrong. You
can't tell me how I feel.I can't tell you how you feel.
But I can listen, and Ican validate, and I can say okay,
(28:26):
I can be sorry for that.I can say I'm sorry I made
you feel this way. That wasnot my intention. There's a big difference
between that and possibly what the otherperson might be saying, which is hurtful,
like I'm not sorry at all.I don't acknowledge it. When people
say to me, I'm sorry youfeel that way, I just get very
triggered because I don't think it's afair apology. But it's not an apology.
(28:48):
I'm not maybe apologizing for whatever itis that we were fighting over,
but I am sorry that it hurtsyou. There's a difference, yes,
and I've heard that before. That'slame. That's really not an apology,
But I am trying to get toa middle ground with you where I want
to have further discussion. I understandthat perception about that's not really an apology,
but I'm not apologizing, but Iam sorry. I'm not apologizing perhaps
(29:11):
for the conflict that we were having, but I'm apologizing for the outcome the
process. Like I'm sorry that theactions that I took hurt you, but
I took them for this reason.And I might just say to you,
we're going to have to agree todisagree on that because I still think and
feel that they were the correct actionsfor me and for what was going on
within myself. But I am sorrythat it caused this hurt to you and
(29:36):
in our relationship. So let meask you, why is it so hard
for people to say I'm sorry becauseof the ego we talked, Yeah,
for man, it's generally an ego, and it's also they see it as
a one down position. But again, I want to help people today and
also you. Saying sorry is oneof the most powerful things you can do
in your relationships. It is notjust for the other person, it is
(29:57):
for yourself. For me, whenI I have a conflict going on,
it's like this heavy bag that I'mcarrying on my back and I'm thinking what
am I going to And it causessleepless nights, anxiety, depression, all
that kind of stuff, and thenI conjure up all these fantasies in my
head about what's going on. Whenthe fantasy is usually greater than the reality,
and I get tired. It's exhaustingcarrying that stuff around. So for
(30:18):
me, it's relieving myself of thatand putting the backpack down. And it's
happened in my life. I've liveda long life. I've been in a
lot of relationships, some disappointing andothers not. But the way I have
learned to approach that is to bethe proactive person, to go to that
person and say, listen, Ireally care about you. I really love
you and I care about this relationship, and I'm so sorry that we're at
(30:40):
this point in the relationship. Whatcan we do to move forward that is
a place of healing, that isinviting conversation, that is opening the door
rather than getting it and staying inmy polarized position. I'm just mad.
Well, how I'm gonna be mad? For life is too short, and
if it's important for me, I'mgoing to do something about it. Well,
for me, I know that Iknow that I don't feel worthy,
(31:02):
and then I catastrophize. Yes,I worry that if I bring this up,
then this person's going to, youknow, not acknowledge me, and
then they're going to invalidate my feelingsand the even and then this apology is
just it's just escalated. Yes,an internal dialogue in my head. Yes,
And you know you said you sharedsomething very important there, the sense
(31:22):
of worthiness, which is, youknow what I mentioned a couple of minutes
ago to you, is that youneed to feel you need to value yourself
to command an apology from someone else. You said earlier that maybe it's really
not an apology, it's something else. It sounds like it is an apology,
but you need to value yourself whereyou command that apology from that other
(31:45):
person because you feel something was donewrong to you and again having that conversation
with them, and if they don'tcome forward and engage with you, then
the relationship perhaps is not one thatyou should continue and maybe is not healthy
for you. So let let melike give you an example. So if
something happens to me, okay,so if I'm feeling this that it's going
(32:07):
on, should I acknowledge it rightair? Do you recommend that I take
a few moments, take it depressed? Maybe? I always think you need
to listen to my last podcast.I think people need to pause. We
need to press the pause button,and we need to reflect on what happened,
and we need to write some ofthose feelings and those thoughts down.
We are way too reactive, andthat's when a fight, you know,
(32:29):
gets kind of out of him andyou're like, what the hell happened?
And we end up saying things thatwe regret and we are sorry for,
but actually owning it and saying sorryare much more difficult. We can sit
in our own regret, we cansit in our own fantasies, but to
come forward and say the words isdifficult, So no, not right away,
think about it and then go backto the other person. I always
(32:50):
believe that we should gather our thoughts, press the pause button before we share
our thoughts and feelings, because itgives us time to become a little bit
more rational in a very emotional situation. And then what also the question what
do you think about asking somebody likewhat I feel like you owe me an
apology? Can you say I'm sorry? Is that? Is that the wrong
route to go? Well, youcan say I am feeling hurt by what
(33:13):
happened and I would like to talkto you about that, and she might
say to you, well, whatdo you need to feel better? And
you might say I need an authenticapology, And that person needs to think
about that because otherwise it's inauthentic,it's not real, and it's not going
to be helping your relationship to grow. It's going to come back in another
form and you're going to end upfeeling resentful again and also devalued. And
(33:37):
so I talked to you a bitabout this acronym that I use called jade.
Its stands for justify, Are youdefend? Explain? That's kind of
what I feel like. I knowit's very funny, but I feel like
a lot of people do that andI do that. I'm okay, I'm
guilty of that in myself. Youknow, you know, you owe me
apology? You did this, andI'll justify will you relate? Or I'll
argue with you, will you didthat to me? Or I'll defend myself
because I feel be little and Ihave to you know, all these things.
(34:00):
So I just feel like that acronymis very poignant in this sort of
apology situation. Yeah, that's aninteresting acronym. Thank you for sharing it.
But again I will say to you, approaching somebody with you owe me
apology doesn't work. You can sayI feel hurt by these are the things
that happened, and I'm worthy ofan apology, and let them think back,
(34:21):
because just saying okay, I'm sorryis in another form of dismissiveness and
it's not real and it's not authentic. Give the people, give the person
time to process, also, you'rehurt, and then give them time to
think about their role in what happened, and they then they can hopefully authentically
come to you and say, hey, yeah, I see what you're saying
(34:43):
and I'm sorry, I hurt you. Okay, so you know, and
I'm just going to talk about,you know, love relationships. We just
kind of just kind of pressed onfriendships. But it's very stereotypical. But
why is it so hard for mento apologize to women. Well, generally,
it's an ego. You know,they're protecting their ego and they've been
socialized and raised that way that theymust preserve their ego at all costs.
(35:07):
We all want to defend our ego, but men so more than other.
It's not an alpha position to apologizeor to say I'm sorry. That's slowly
changing, but it's also you know, women have a role in this because
we will Often it's the way weshut them down. Sometimes it's the way
that we treat them when they aretalking. Then they learn that, wait
a minute, I can't really bevulnerable in this relationship. I can't really
(35:30):
express what I'm saying, and aposition of I'm saying sorry is often perceived
as being vulnerable. So it isan interpersonal dynamic between people overall. Generally,
yes, women are better at apologizing, but also we have to think
about our relationship, what is goingon in my relationship with my man,
that it's hard for him to sharehis feelings, it's hard for him to
be vulnerable. What is my rolein that? Got it? Okay?
(35:53):
Got it? Yeah? Okay.We are running out of time, and
thank you so much for joining in. I know that you're out there in
California. It's early time for you. But thanks for joining us, and
hopefully you'll join us again next week. Absolutely, thank you so much for
having me, Anita. You're very, very helpful and knowledgeable, and I
love everything you have to say.I can't wait to read more of your
(36:14):
books. We're going to take abreak, but we will be back to
on Bleeping Your Life and Relationships.Back to Unbleep Your Life and Relationships on
news Talk eleven thirty wys Hey,guys, welcome back to n Bleep Your
Life and Relationships. I'm your host, Anita Astley. We are talking about
saying three very important words in yourrelationship. I am sorry. So important
(36:40):
to save them, but so difficultfor some people because they see it as
a one down position. Now letme just recap, Okay, So saying
sorry is a position of power,not a weakness. Sometimes it's an admission
of guilt, so of course it'staking responsibility and being held account of.
(37:00):
Other times, it's just apologizing forhow you were in a fight at a
process. I called you a name. I didn't mean to do that.
I was yelling, I wasn't listening. I didn't mean to do that.
I'm sorry. We all need tolearn to apologize because guess what, we
are not perfect. And if you'relistening and you've never apologized to somebody in
(37:22):
your life and relationships, you areprobably a very lonely person. And as
I mentioned, you have relationships witha lot of unresolved stuff, whether it's
in your family, your siblings,your neighbors, people at work, and
sometimes people take pride. I've heardthat I've never had to apologize to anyone,
and I'm just like, dude,well that's not something to brag about
(37:42):
because I've never met a perfect person. And if you think you're that perfect
person, we got a lot ofwork to do, We have a lot
of therapy to do. But I'mglad you're aware of it and you're sitting
in front of me because I'm gonnahelp you unbleep that. I'm going to
teach you how to say I amsorry. Saying I'm sorry to somebody and
straights emotional competence. It shows characterand it shows that you are not afraid
(38:06):
to be weak and vulnerable. Well, let me correct that, it's not
a weakness. You're not afraid tobe vulnerable. And just like the caller
was talking about her partner, herhusband or her boyfriend, I'm not sure
which one or both, I'm goingto get her in trouble you over here.
It's how we respond when our malepartner shares his thoughts and feelings.
(38:28):
She was saying how her partner hasa hard time saying the words i'm sorry.
Is this typical of men? AndI said, yeah, it kind
of is. But I want toreiterate that we when our men apologize to
us, or they don't, butthey're apologizing in a certain way, but
just trying to be vulnerable. Andyou can see how painful it is for
them because somewhere along the line,like in their family of origin, they
(38:49):
were very afraid to say those wordsand they wouldn't be treated as a man.
We got to just throw all ofthat in the garbage. But we
need to be able to listen tothem, We need to encourage them to
share their feelings of vulnerability and maybeone day they'll be able to say,
very directly, don't miss your words, I am so sorry that I hurt
you. It's important, you know, we talk about women being able to
(39:09):
do these things, men being ableto do these things. We all need
to be able to do them tobe in successful, healthy relationship. It
also there's a high level of awareness. So this guy, when he was
telling me he's never apologized, IMlike, dude, you have zero self
awareness because you actually think you goaround having perfect relationships. I could see
why you don't have any that wasHe's almost like the kind of guy that
(39:31):
would say, yeah, I'm sorry, but yeah, I'm sorry, but
it wasn't my fault. Let's behonest, which I just talked about.
That's not the way to apologize.Guys, do not ever put butt in
there. Do not ever say I'msorry, but I'm sorry. If you
hadn't yelled, or if you hadjust shut up, my I am you
(39:52):
can shut up, I can sayshut up, just say you're sorry.
Own your stuff in the relationship.We all have stuff, we all all
have a role in the drama that'sin our lives. People would often say
it's not my fault. I didn'thave anything to do with it. This
person wronged me. Okay, thatmight be the case, but you do
have a part in it. Idon't know what that part is. It
(40:14):
might be minimal. But if youhave a role in it, own it,
and if the relationship is important toyou, you're going to go forward
and say I'm sorry and work onit. It is not a one down
position. It is not a weakness. So I'm going to leave you with
that today, And if you wantto read more about this, you can
(40:35):
buy my book called Unbleep Your Lifeand Relationships. Chapter six I talk about
all of that kind of stuff,the right and wrong dance, which we
need to get out of. Alot of us get stuck in that.
Therefore, we can apologize because wethink we're right and our partner is wrong.
That's a lose lose situation. Learnmore. The book is available,
and if you want to follow meon social media, I'm most active on
(40:57):
my Instagram page called ask Anita Astley. That's the handle. And if you
want to come to my office andcome and see me and we got some
work to do, that's okay too. There's nothing wrong with saying Anita,
I need help. I don't knowhow to say I'm sorry. You know,
one of the most popular parts ofthis show is people calling in.
They can get a hold of youthat way too, through Instagram or whatever
they can. You can send mea DM as they call it. I
(41:20):
don't snapchat, but you can DMme sure, and then I'd love to
have you guys on. I lovethe engagement and we all need to be
unbleeped in our lives. Is nothingwrong with that, nothing to be ashamed
of. As I always say,everything starts from the inside out, and
everything starts with a conversation. Ifwe can't talk about it, we can't
unbleep it. And today I hopeif you can't say the words, please
(41:45):
write them down. I am sorry. What are we talking about next week?
I don't know. I'm sorry,Greg, I don't have an answer.
You can't do that. Stay tuned, guys, I'll see you next week.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com