June 10, 2024 • 42 mins
Tune in as Anita Astley answers and addresses comments from her social media followers and listeners about relationships and the process of psychotherapy itself. How does therapy work, what are some things to consider, do I need therapy, in addition to sharing her views on the nations favorite Psychoanalyst Dr. Melfi from The Sopranos
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Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
Relationships, whether romantic, platonic,familial, are complicated and can be downright
MESSI bringing out the best and worstin all of us. Here's an opportunity
for you to learn effective, concretestrategies to help you build healthy relationships from
the inside out. It's on BleepYour Life and Relationships with host Anita Aslak,
(00:22):
psychotherapist of over twenty five years.Hey guys, welcome to another episode
of Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.I'm your host, Anita Ashley, psychotherapist
of twenty five years and plus anda published author of Unbleep Your Life and
Relationships. Today, there is alot to talk about. It's a Q
and A. I'd like to thankeverybody who sent questions and comments on my
(00:45):
social media Instagram page. The handleis ask Anita Asley. I love the
comments and I love the questions,and some of them will highlight questions and
comments I often get from people ingeneral about the process of psychotherapy. It's
intriguing. We all kind of wantto know what it is. What do
you do behind that do what dowe do behind that door? Oh my
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gosh, what is taking place?And some of the One of the questions
is kind of a fun one.We're gonna have uh to talk about the
Sopranos. Stay tuned for that lateron in the show. Show Yes,
doctor Melfie our favorite psychoanalyst and whatdoes she do? How does she measure
up to a real life psychotherapist?These are things we're going to discuss.
Mobster, Yes, with a MobsterTony Sopranos therapist. Everybody wants to be
(01:33):
a fly on that wall, Wellwe actually are. We get a sneak
peak into what goes on in histherapy sessions. So I'm going to start
off with this comment that I receivedfrom somebody on Instagram. So thank you
so much, Sorry Tingue Tied thismorning. Thank you so much for sending
this in. And it's going toI think be very interesting. Okay,
let's get started, Anita, thisis not a question but a comment.
(01:57):
My wife and I went for couplestherapy a few years ago for some issues
we were having and I found itdid the opposite of what we thought.
We fought more and more, sowe just stopped going. What are your
thoughts on this? I feel itscrewed up my relationship more than anything else.
Wow, that's a loaded but there'sa lot to unpack in this comment.
(02:21):
Okay, first I want to say, buyer beware, whenever you're going
for any kind of purchase or service, of course you should shop around.
You should consult a few therapists tofind you know, have the experience with
them, especially if you've never beenin therapy before. You have to have
a good fit with them. Youhave to have a vibe. And generally
what I do with in the firstsession with a couple, individual or family,
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we have our session and then Iasked them to go home and think
about the experience that they had,how they felt in the process with me,
and then get back to me andthen discuss it. Also, if
it's couples, discuss it with theirpartner in terms of how they also felt.
And if it's a good fit,good vibe, let's get working together.
So number one, buyer beware,go out and try a few therapists.
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You don't have to stick with thefirst one. Some people do that
and think they have to. Youdon't. It's a consultation. The other
thing that I'm I'm thinking, Okay, you know what, psychotherapists don't usually
make things worse. Okay, someof them might. I'm just saying,
buyer, beware again, there's alwaysyou know, good ones and bad ones
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and all that kind of stuff rightin every profession. What psychotherapists do,
and people are afraid of this,is that they highlight all those things that
you've been kind of hiding. It'seasy to walk around with all that stuff
in the world right and be indenial of it avoided. But yeah,
when you go for therapy, there'sa lot of stuff that's gonna come out
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in the cup, in your relationship, within yourself, within your family that
you're not gonna like, You're gonnafeel very uncomfortable with. And they like
in this situation there he says thatwe fought more. Yes, you will
fight, and like I've said before, fighting is a healthy process. Is
how you fight. But the factthat you're fighting more, it's because something
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was being triggered inside of you andyour partner and we're uncovering all of that
and that's very uncomfortable for some people. So to that part of your quiet
comment, I would say, well, that's healthy, that's normal. It's
not the therapist's fault that you're fightingmore. This is all the stuff that
you've been avoiding and it's finally comingto the forefront. And that's like a
procedure, right Basically, you're moving, you're moving forward. You're moving forward.
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It's like anything. If you're gonnahave surgery. Before surgery, you
might feel okay and you have somepain, like, yeah, a relationship,
we've got some issues going on,and then you go in for the
surgery and you're going to be insome pain for a while after that until
you're fully recovered. So I've talkedabout this in my book too Unbleep Your
Life and Relationships, available on Simonand Schuster and Amazon dot com. Where
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when we're in the process, wesometimes feel like, wait a minute,
I'm feeling worse than I was beforeI came into the session. It must
be the therapy. It must bethe therapist, And overall it generally isn't.
It's what's triggering inside of you.What thoughts, what thought what feelings
are being brought up to the surfacethat you're not comfortable dealing with. That's
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normal, that's healthy. So Iwould say to you, I don't think
it's your therapist's fault because you don'tseem to be mentioning other things. But
again, buyer beware. It isthat you perhaps are not ready at this
point in time to deal with someof those issues. And that's okay,
and you might be ready and nextyear or later on. But the fact
that you got you were fighting abit more, I would think that's a
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good thing. It's kind of uncoveringsome of the stuff that you've been trying
to hide for so long. Howdo you know when you're over the hump
though, when you stop fighting somuch? Is that what you're talking about?
I think you're over the hump.Well, first of all, I
would share that. I would Iwould encourage you to go back to the
therapist if you could, just toresolve some of this stuff. Because I
always ask my patients when they're feelingreally uncomfortable, and they do, at
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some point feel uncomfortable because I'm aconfrontational therapist. But even if I wasn't,
at some point, if the therapyis being effective, you're going to
feel uncomfortable. You're not going tolike the process. But I would encourage
that person. Then I always encourage, encourage my patients share that with me,
tell me, and I can usuallysense it. I can usually pick
it up that they're resisting, andthey're resisting change, and change is something
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that's difficult. We want it,but we don't want it because it's uncomfortable
for us. I encourage them toshare that with me, and then we
talk about what it's like, whatis that discomfort like for you, and
what's going on at home because ofthese things that were but the buttons that
were pushing, And they'll say,well, I'm fighting more with my mom,
I'm fighting more with my partner,and they don't like that. And
I'll say, of course they don'tlike that because they want you to be
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the way that you were before.Anytime we're trying to work on changing something
within our cells and within our relationships, it's uncomfortable and it makes the people
around us uncomfortable because they see itin us. And if I'm going to
change in my relationship with you,it's going to force you to pivot a
bit too. It's like the dominoeffect, right, If I shift one
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domino, it forces all the otherones to feel uncomfortable and also shift their
position. So I would say toyou, you know, if you still
have some contact with that therapist,go back express some of those feelings and
those thoughts share them with your wife, and still if you're feeling uncomfortable,
try somebody else, But don't letthat dissuade you from seeking out more therapy.
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Do you have that happen to you? Do you have patients come from
other therapists? Yes, it didn'twork for me. Yes. When I
have a patient who comes to meand I call it a graveyard of therapists,
I think, well, I'm probablygoing to end up in that graveyard
too. I like to think thatI'm not that I'm going to be the
one, because I always have hopethat I'm going to be the one that's
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going to help somebody work through whateveris that they're going through. But I
will also address that. I willalso say to them, you know,
it seems like you've had a manytherapists in your past. Tell me what
that was like for you. AndI have found in twenty seven years of
twenty five years of experienced twenty sevenit's been a long time that generally it
is something about them. And Itry not to blame every other therapists because
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they enter. People enter therapy atdifferent phases of their life. And perhaps
when this person comes to me andthey have been like a graveyard. I
think, Okay, maybe now they'retruly ready to work on some of their
stuff, or maybe I have topoint out to that Wait a minute.
If it's everybody, it's got tobe you. So are you ready?
Let's get in the trenches, like, get in the trenches with you to
work some of this stuff out.Because again, guys, if it's everybody,
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it's got to be you, andyou've got to look in the mirror.
Is there such a thing as beinga hypochondriac when it comes to this,
because like my brother in law,it was more medical than the physical
mental. But is it possible inwhat way? What do you mean a
hypercontract because that it advies illness?Well, I mean going to everybody there's
something wrong with me? Yeah,yeah, Well there are people who are
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like that, hysterical personalities. Idon't like to label, but you know,
label sometimes help us to understand theperson and what they're struggling with.
Michal, with somebody like that wouldbe to be okay, we have to
calm your internal system down. Let'slook at what's been going on in your
life with the regards to professional services, and let's see what I can do
to help you with that. Thegoal is always to help the person in
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front of me to kind of calmtheir internal world down before we start disturbing
that stuff, because psychotherapy is aprocess in which I will disturb your internal
world with intention and with purpose,but I will also help you to put
some of that back together before youwalk out the door. People talk about
therapy in terms of oh my gosh, it's gonna break me up, and
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I'm gonna be crying all the time, and I'm gonna be so emotional,
and like in this comment, thefighting is going to inc Yes, but
I if you're a good therapist,and I think that I am, I
will help help you to contain that. Once you leave the therapy session and
I realize that, you know,people will come to you in the middle
of the day they're like, Ican't get into this because I have to
go to work and I have abig meeting. Part of my job is
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to help them pack it all upand put it on the emotional bookshelf until
next time or until they've completed,you know, their meeting and so forth,
and they can deal with it atnight. Because we have to be
able to put those things back togetherto function in society. We have to
have a strong ego. We willcontinue this conversation. I'll share more questions
in comments with you after this messagebreak. Everyone strives for healthier relationships.
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Here's more of Unbleep Your Life andRelationships on news Talk eleven th wis.
Welcome back to Unbleep your Life andRelationships. I'm your host, Anita ask
Lee, a psychotherapist of twenty fiveyears and plus. Oh my god,
I'm showing my age over here today. We are taking questions. I'm answering
questions that are sent to me viaInstagram asking you ask Lee. That is
(11:01):
my handle. We just talked aboutsomebody's Someone sent in a comment about psychotherapy
and how it made things worse forthem, and I was just saying,
and I will reiterate, psychotherapy inand of itself does not make things worse
most therapists. Is not the goal, that's not the intent. What it
does it disturbs all that shi tThere you go, Greg, I didn't
(11:22):
say I spelled it. It disturbsall of that stuff that's going on inside
of you that needs disturbing for itto be fixed. There's a solution.
You in the world can walk aroundwith all that stuff. But once you
get into a therapy therapeutic room,part of the therapist's job is to challenge
you. It is not just tosit back and listen and not and not
(11:43):
say anything. We have to bemost effective. Therapists are in there with
you trying to help you resolve someof these issues. And you know what,
I will also say this that Imight not be a good fit for
somebody. I've had patients like thatMy approaches something that's not comfortable for them,
and then I reckon nind set andsay, Okay, this has to
be a good fit and if you'renot comfortable, then you need to seek
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another therapist. I don't take itpersonally. Not everybody has a good vibe.
And if you're feeling that with yourtherapist, it's time to change.
You don't have to stay there forThere's different times, just like just like
normal life, there's different personality,there's different personalities, and the therapeutic relationship
is it's one of the most uniquerelationships in the world. My own therapy,
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which I'll talk about a little bitlater. It is a professional relationship
and the boundaries are very important tokeep in place. There's ethical guidelines and
all that kind of stuff. Butit is also the most intimate relationship that
I've ever had in my life.It is the most intimate relationship that most
people have in their life if they'retruly able to commit to the process and
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be honest in what they're really therefor. And that takes time to build.
So again, if it doesn't fit, find somebody else. There are
therapists who work in very different ways. There are therapists who practice psychoanalysis,
so we're going to get inside todoctor Melfie from the Sopranos. And there
are therapists who are cognitive behavioral.You have ten sessions with me and test
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sessions, we're done. We're notgonna talk about the past. We're gonna
talk about what's going on with youtoday, and I'm gonna give you some
behavioral techniques to use to fix that. Then there's therapists who want to go
all the way in the past andfind out what happened to you as a
kid and where you are today asa function of that. And that's a
different kind of approach. Some peoplemight not like that. They want to
have a concrete thing to take homeevery session, psychoanilysts are not gonna do
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that. Now. My approach isintegrative, meaning I take concepts from different
schools of thought and I put themall into one basket. Because I believe
there is no one theory that fitseveryone, and no one theory can help
everyone. So I take what Ilike, you know what I like,
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and I form my own. It'slike saying, Okay, I've got this
suit cut out for you, Greg, and I'm gonna force you to fit
into this suit. You might notfit into them most likely you want because
it's pre cut, it's pre determined. So what I do is I have
this suit, but I'm able tokind of tailor it to whoever is sitting
in front and made. People comewith different issues, people of all ages,
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different social cultural backgrounds that I haveto try to work with in a
way that I feel it's going tobe most effective for them. So again,
if you're not comfortable with your therapists, find a new one. But
before you do that, share thiswith the therapists and let's see what the
therapist says to you. And theymight be like, yeah, I agree
with you, we're not a goodfit. And here are some other people
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you can call bye bye, butdon't give up on the process. Don't
give up because I truly believe init. It is effective if you get
to the right therapist. Okay,let's go to question number two. This
is a very interesting one and Iget ask as often everyone in my family
is in some type of therapy.Do you think this is good? Well,
I can't speak specifically for this ifit's good or bad. What I
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can say ask you is to askyourself if it's helping. But me and
myself, I have worked with peoplewhere everybody's in therapy, and I say,
okay, wait a minute, guys, because I do believe that we
can over therapize people. Sure,and sometimes I have said to people,
you know, somebody's got to giveup a therapist over here. We can.
First of all, we can't havetwo couple therapists. We can't have
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two individual therapists because they're going tomake contradict each other and that's not going
to be helpful to you and it'sgoing to make the therapist's life much more
difficult. So sometimes I do say, okay, when you're done with that
therapist, come and see me andwe can work together. If there are
too many therapists involved with the samefamily. I believe there's not enough time
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or space for them to tap intotheir own resources to help themselves. So
I think a good fit is youhave an individual therapist, you have a
couple therapists, and sometimes you mightwant to pause the individual therapy. Sometimes
you might want to pause the couplestherapy depending on what's going going on.
But yes, we can be overtherapized. And this is coming from a
therapist who believes in therapy. Buttoo much therapy is also not good.
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Where do you have time to utilizesome of the stuff that you're working on.
Where do you have time to nothave any intervention and just work on
yourself and all the things that aretaking place in your own therapy? You
know? Got it brings up somebodylike from California where the dad the mom
have their own therapist, that theteenage kids have their own therapists, everybody's
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got a therapist. No, that'sjust way too much. It's too much.
And I have worked with and Ihave said, like I was saying
before, Okay, somebody here hasto give up something, and let's do
Because I am a family therapist andI just want to point out a couples
in family therapy is a specialty withinthe field of psychotherapy, and guys,
if you are seeking to do couplestherapy, I would encourage you always to
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go to the aa AMFT website andthey list all therapists in all states who
have a specialty in couples It isa different type of training to an individual
therapist. It is we work verydifferently because think about it. If I'm
doing individual therapy, I'm sitting inthe room, there's your personality, there
is my personality, and I'm goingto deal with that. Right as a
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family, I have five people inthere, right, that's a very different
approach. It's very different techniques thatwe're going to apply, and it is
a specialty. So if you guyslistening out there are looking for couples family
therapy, make sure that that personyou're going to see is license in that
profession. Not all psychologists or individualstherapists are trained to do that. So
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another key for buyer beware, checkthe person out, check their credentials out.
It's important. What was the websiteagain on that AAMFT dot org.
It's the American Association of Marriage andfamily therapists, and I am a clinical
member. So look and they havea listing. If you live in New
York, look in New York andthey will list everybody who's trained and license
in marriage and family therapy and youcan give them a call. They've been
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vetted. Trust me, it's along vetting process. Okay, let's get
to the next question. I haveso many questions to address today in comments.
How long does therapy take? Ohmy gosh, that's a good one.
I've been asked this a million times. How long is it going to
take? Anita? When am Igoing to be? Okay, that's a
difficult question. I generally, youknow, say well, how long you've
been doing this? Then haha,it's not going to take It's a difficult
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question to answer. It just dependson where you are in the process yourself,
where you are in the issue thatyou're struggling with. And I don't
have a second number of sessions now, I'd like to share that the insurance
company does because they hate seeing youknow, you seeing your therapists for over
a year or more than a year. And for me to get reimbursed on
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that, that's a whole nother show. Is I have to clinically diagnose you
with something that's pretty severe. Okay, most insurance companies don't want to pay
for Oh you have relationship issues,no problem, You're covered. People don't
know that, and I think that'sso unfair. We pay into all these
policies and when it comes time tocollect for an issue like that as a
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therapist, they deny the claim.And it just goes to show that,
you know, as much as wewant to work on our mental health and
we promote getting services, the insurancecompanies are not our friends. They're usually
not on the same page. That'swhy a lot of therapists switch to private
pay and say, listen, I'vegot to give you a diagnosis, and
I've got to be ethical in thisprocess. So this is the most this
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is the least harmful. And thatgoes on because people want coverage and the
therapist wants you to take advantage ofyour insurance policy. But we have to
kind of dance around it so wedon't get in trouble. And of course
the patient, you know, it'snot harmful to the patient. But again,
going to the question of how longdoes it take, that's an unknown
and when people ask me that that'swhat I say to them. I don't
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know. I guess we'll find thatout during this process. And are you
in a rush, because, again, guys, change takes time. It
doesn't happen overnight. But this questionis a function of a society we live
in today. I want to quickfix, give me a pill because that'll
make me feel better, And Idon't believe in that. I believe in
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if the change is going to bemaintained, it's going to be long term,
then it's going to take time.These changes that you see happening very
quickly, I don't trust them,and I don't have confidence that their long
term changes. I can just speakfrom my own experience. When I do
things that I need to really changethem, I can have a knee jerk
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reaction desperty to change something because I'mtrying to save something. But then I
realize over time that it's not sustainable, it's not long term, and I've
got to give more time to it. So the time is going to be
what it's going to be. Andthere's no answer. Most therapists can't answer
that question. We are going toget back in about a couple of minutes,
a couple of seconds. Actually withmore questions, it is time to
(20:53):
take a break with I don't believeyour Life and Relationships. Anita Astley has
more advice on how to on bleepyour Life and Relationships on news Talk eleven
thirty WYS Welcome back to Unbleep yourLife and Relationships. I'm your host Anita
Ashley. Today I am taking questionsand addressing comments sentence via Instagram. Ask
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Anita Ashley. That's my handle onInstagram. It is the medium I'm most
active on. So we were justtalking about how long does therapy take,
a question that most people ask whenthey walk through that door, and I
just said, you know, it'san unknown. If you are a cognitive
behavioral therapist, you might say it'sgoing to take ten sessions and that's all
I'm gonna that's all it's going totake. But if you're a therapist like
(21:41):
myself who has an integrative approach,I can't give you a number. What
I usually say, well, let'ssee how we're doing in a couple of
weeks, in a couple of months, but at the minimum, let's stick
to this for six months and seewhat happens. And I go back to
my own experience, which I sharein my book called Unbleep Your Life and
Relationship on Amazon and Simon and Schusterif you guys are interested. I'm thinking
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back to my own therapy because Iwas in therapy for about seven years.
Twice a week as a function ofmy program, I had to do it.
And I remember walking in saying doctorFrank, I have to be here.
It's only for educational purposes. Youknow, the skilled man that he
was. He goes, yeah,sit down, let's talk about this.
Of course, it took its ownpath and it was one of the most
(22:25):
wonderful experiences of my life. Iwant to say that it took me at
least a year before I could totallytrust him and the process. So I'm
just saying to you again, changetakes time. Trust takes time. The
therapeutic relationship is one of the mostunique relationships, one of the most intimate
relationships you can possibly have, andthat takes time to develop. When you
(22:48):
say it twice a week, arewe talking like a Tuesday and a Friday
for one hour? Is that whatyou normally? He's a psychoanalyst, so
the psychoanalytic hour is fifty minutes.I would go twice a week for fifty
minutes. And at first I waslike, oh God, I don't this
is leading actually into the next question. I was like, this is such
a pain. I got classes.It's snowing outside. It was in Montreal,
(23:11):
Canada, and one day I justcalled him up and I said,
you know, I can't come today. And I could have gone. It
was this massive snowstorm. I hada test to study for. I'm like,
I don't need to really be there. That's like when I was at
the early stages. Now, justhold on to that story because it lends
itself to the next question or comment. Okay, so hold on to that,
(23:33):
guys. I'm going to continue withthat story because it has relevance.
This comment here is very important,and we're going to tie it all up
together. I'm in therapy and havebeen for about six months, but put
a pause on it. I misseda few sessions and my therapist charged me,
Oh, I was really upset aboutthis. He knows that I'm struggling
financially, and I feel if hecared about me, he wouldn't have done
(23:56):
that. And I'm upset. Well, there's so many aspects of this question,
and let's get back to my story. We're just going to be linked
to it. I call my therapistand I say, I can't come today.
Doctor Frank, this is less thantwenty four hours. Most clinicians have
a twenty four hour rule. Andhe said, what do you mean we
have a session in an hour?I said, I have all kinds of
(24:18):
excuses, right, And he said, well, you know, Anita,
I'm going to charge you for thesession because it's not the first time you've
done this. It's the second orthird time, and I've kind of let
it go, but I'm going tocharge you. I was so mad,
just like here, I'm like,how could you possibly charge me? You
don't care about me. I'm astruggling student. What kind of beepep are
(24:40):
you? And you know, hegave me the big talk and he said,
well, I'm going to charge you. So either I'm going to fire
you, charge you or both.So are you committed or not? So
then I thought about it. Iwas angry, you know, I was
thinking about my dad treated me likethis. All kinds of issues came to
the service, triggered a lot ofstuff. So I said, all right,
charge me, and then the nextI went in with a lot of
(25:00):
pouting and anger and hurt because I'mlike, you don't care. Your just
is all about the money. That'sa whole nother story we can get into.
What I want to say to thisquestion is, Yeah, there is
a practical part of psychotherapy. It'sa business. We are professionals. We've
been trained, and our time isvaluable as everybody else's, and there's no
(25:21):
reason why we shouldn't get paid.We have a business to run. The
second part, and this is themost important part, and this is what
doctor Frank was trying to teach me, is the part about when we are
in the process and something comes upand it's difficult for us, especially if
it's like in this comment, it'snot the first time they cancel. It's
a couple of times. Right,that's a red flag for me to say,
(25:44):
this person is canceling because they don'twant to face what we're talking about.
They're running away from what we're talkingabout because they can do that out
in the world. But as aneffective therapist, so the fee has a
secondary benefit in terms of I'm goingto charge you because you're avoiding what we're
talking about. We'll discussed that lateron in the session, and then when
you come back and got to pointout the relevance of it, you might
(26:07):
not be conscious of the fact thatyou're canceling the sessions because you don't want
to talk about what's we've been talkingabout. You'll just make up excuses like,
gidd uh, it's snowing outside andyou know, I got an exam.
But literally, we were talking aboutvery important things related to my dad
that I just wanted to avoid.But I'll tell you something, when it
hits you in the pocket, you'regonna go. And then you're upset with
it, Well, I would sayto you, talk to your therapist,
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tell them how you feel that you'reupset and you're feeling not cared for.
And I remember doctor Frank saying tome, Anita, I care for you.
That's why I'm actually charging you.The two can coexist on the practical
sense, I have a schedule andyou're being disrespectful to my time. But
on the other hand, on theother aspect, the more important one,
you're running away because we were talkingabout ABCD, and I noticed after we
(26:51):
talked about ABCD, you didn't wantto come back. You had two cancelations
back to back. There is thatpart, and an effective therapist, we'll
get you back into the session andhelp you to understand that component. A
very important part of the fee isto say come back into session. You're
not coming because this is problematic andhard for you to talk about. So
(27:15):
there is the business side, butthere's also the therapeutic side, which if
you're not a really effective therapist,you're not going to be able to effectively
explain that to the client. Butmost clients get that and they're like,
oh, yeah, you're right.It's true. I didn't want to come
in because last session we talked aboutthis and I felt awful afterwards, and
I didn't want to feel awful again. But I say, okay, when
you feel like that, instead ofcanceling the session, you have to make
(27:38):
ten times the effort to make sureyou're here with me, because then I
can help you work through those uncomfortablefeelings. You don't have to run away
from the therapy. Does that makeany sense? Absolutely, because it's easy
to just call and cancel. AndI was afraid to add, like you're
gonna fire me. I thought youcared about me. Part of caring and
part of being a therapist is wehear where the hat of tough love sometimes.
(28:02):
Ye, you know you're gonna comein and you're going to pay,
So there is there's that part ofit. So I encourage you to,
you know, not take the pausebutton off, call your therapist, go
in and tell them how you feelabout being charged and that that makes you
feel uncared for it. And I'msure that your therapist which gets you back
in and I'm sure that you're workingon stuff that's very uncomfortable for you and
(28:26):
reflect on that what is going onin the session that you're running away from.
Okay, here is another question thatI'm sure a lot of you are
intrigued by. It is a issomebody who wrote in and asked about my
impression of doctor Melfie on the Soprano. Yeah, Anita, I'm very intrigued
(28:48):
by psychotherapy. My only experience ofit is from watching the Sopranos. What
are your thoughts on how she isportrayed in the show. Do you think
it's accurate doctor Melfie? Are youaware of Doctor Melchie I told you off
air. I finally got a chanceto see the whole series. Yeah,
I never saw it in its originalrun, and everybody kept out, what
(29:11):
are you doing? So I finallywatched Fell in Love with That. I
think I'm gonna watch it again.Yeah, but I love that dynamic between
the psychoanalyst and a mobster. Yeah, And it seemed like towards the end
there there was like a relationship forme, was there? Well, there
is a relationship. It is calledthe therapeutic relationship. And she does a
pretty good job and she, youknow, they portrayed it as she didn't
(29:33):
breach any boundaries, and I justwant to say it's the depiction is quite
good, realistic. That's you know, some of the things that you're talking
about, the emotions and the love. The sexual transference we call it in
psychotherapy takes place between a patient andthe doctor. It happens you put two
(29:53):
people in a room together for anextended period of time. Both people are
going to have and feelings about theother. Of course, as a professional,
we have to maintain our boundaries andnever exploit the feelings of the patient.
And she never did that. Sheknew that he was very open up
front that he was in love withher and wanted to date her. He
(30:14):
brought her flowers. She did avery good job as she should as a
professional to maintain the boundaries. Now. I don't know if you guys remember,
but think back, and maybe youneed to watch it again. He
brings her a cup of coffee.Yeah, you remember that. This is
how it starts, not that patientsdo that. They bring me a cup
of coffee, and at first youaccept it because you're like, oh,
that's very kind, thank you somuch. But then when you start bringing
(30:37):
coffee every other session, and thenyou start bringing flowers and you start you
have to stop that. As aprofessional. You say, okay, you
know, I really appreciate you doingthis, and the first one was great,
but what does all of this mean? Because it's unnecessary and please,
I have to say no, andI have to ask you not to do
this anymore. But you have todo that with very delicately, because you
don't want to make them feel rejecting. And that's exactly how we felt.
(31:00):
He was very rejected and was veryangry with her. I don't know if
you remember. At one point hegets up in the session. And I've
had patients too that they get upand they're angry. But she handles the
situation really well. She's very differentto me. I'm not a you know,
she's a very very much a psychoanalyst, a pure psychoanalyst. I'm not
that, and I think that thewhole thing with her suit. You know,
(31:22):
as a therapist, when you watchshows with other therapists, you always
like, oh, okay, what'sgoing on over here? The suit is
not something I ever wear. It'sa suit of armor. You know.
When I was in training, youknow, when I was in training,
my supervisor would look at you,know, how your dress, what are
you portraying to the client? Andshe is that she's a psychoanalyst. She's
got the you know, the suiton and but for me, it's a
(31:44):
suit of armor. I never dressedlike that in session. I'm pretty down
to as you've seen me coming withjeans and stuff. I'm appropriate. But
I just want to be able toconnect with my patients more. And I
feel like if I'm not wearing asuit, it's not such a corporate relationship.
It's more of like, hey,we're two humans coming together. I
have these credentials and I'm going totry to help you with whatever it is
(32:07):
you're struggling with. She's different,but I gotta tell you, she's an
amazing actress number one. I think, doctor, you know, I forget
her name, but she does anincredible job. I think she's a little
bit too cold. When he startsto express some of his what's known in
psychotherapy as sexual transference, it's reallynot about her. It is really about
(32:28):
thoughts and feelings that he has abouthis mother, his family that he puts
onto her. And this happens intherapy all the time. And if you're
in therapy and you're experiencing some ofthat, it's okay, it's healthy,
it's normal, as long as thetherapist is helping you with those feelings and
not acting out and not taking themas if they're real and they belong to
her. I've had patients to Tommy, I'm in love with you, Anita,
(32:51):
and I think, well, you'renot in love with me, You're
in love with what I represent toyou. I'm a person who sits here.
I listen to you without judge.I give you unconditional positive regard.
I care for your benefits. Theseare all the things that we look for
in a mother, a father,a teacher, a coach, and I
represent all those things. Problems arisewhen I actually believe them and think they're
(33:14):
really about me, Because to lovesomebody, and I'll point this out in
a very kind, caring manner,in order to really love me, you'd
have to know who I am,and you only know me in this capacity.
And yeah, you know my book, I talk about all my personal
stuff and that you know that,But you don't know Anita outside of this
room. It's what I represent withinthat room, and that's portrayed really well
(33:36):
in the Sopranos. He falls inlove with her because he has so many
issues with his mom. She's avery uncaring, cold mother, and here
is a professional, attractive woman who'slistening and giving him the affection in a
very professional way that he never got, validation that he never got as a
child, and he falls in lovewith those qualities. He's not in love
(33:57):
with her. There are some thingsthat she did wrong, though, right,
I don't think what tell me,what did you think that she did
wrong? Well, like at thetable, didn't she kind of spill the
beans on a few things. Well, there's a scene where she's having dinner
with her family and somehow it's impliedthat Tony Soprano is her patient. Yeah,
that's unethical. You're not supposed toshare a talk or imply that you
(34:17):
know this person is your patient.But you know people say that it's pillow
talk, right, I'm not gonnaIt's supposed to be one hundred percent confidential,
and that you have it is acornerstone of psychotherapy. If you don't
believe you're or trust your psychotherapist,you should change. And I'll tell you
something, No bit of gossip isworth losing your license over. And I
would never do that. One hundredpercent confidentiality. That's the uniqueness of this
(34:42):
relationship. But I also just wantto say before we go to break it's
interesting how people are always curious bythe process and I say, well,
why don't you try it out?But they're scared. They're intrigued, they're
curious, and they like to listento other people's experiences of therapy. But
then they're like, yeah, I'mkind of too afraid to go on my
own. We'll talk more about thatwhen we come back in a few minutes.
(35:02):
Unbleep Your Life and Relationships Back toUnbleep your Life and Relationships on News
Talking eleven thirty wys Welcome back toUnbleep your Life and Relationships with Anita Ashley.
Today we are I'm addressing comments andquestions sent in from Instagram. We
were just talking about doctor Melfie fromThe Sopranos and whether the depiction is a
(35:28):
pretty good one, and I'd sayyes, it is. Love and those
intense feelings, guys, are avery important part of the psychotherapeutic process,
as long as the professional maintains theirboundaries and ethical guidelines and so forth,
and protects the client at all costs. Love is an emotion that's part of
the process, and it's the mosthuman process that we go to when we
(35:52):
sit with in a room with somebodyand share some of our most intimate thoughts
and feelings. And if you've triedit and you haven't had I had a
good experience, it's okay. It'smeant that that therapist was not a good
fit for you. Don't give upon the process. Go find somebody else
and try it again. Don't giveup. Part of the doctor Melfie thing
(36:12):
on TV, I think is reallyinteresting because we're all curious about the process.
I'm well, I'm curious. I'ma therapist, and I love watching
that on TV because I'm like,Okay, this is good this is bad.
You know, we all do shareif we're in the profession. But
part of it is, you know, one of the questions that I probably
won't get time to address to there. The comment is that Anita, I'm
in therapy and every time I gohome after therapy, my partner asks me
(36:36):
a million questions about the process.So there is that part that we all
want to look in. We allwant to peek in, but we don't
want to jump in that room.And I say to that person, if
you can relate to this, guys, is you can set the boundaries to
say, my therapy is for meand what I talk about in there is
for my benefit. If you wantto join the session one day as my
(36:57):
partner, we could do that.It's an option. But we could also
find a couple's therapists. What I'msaying to you is therapy after therapy is
not a good thing. People tellme this all the time. I went
home, and because my mom paysfor the therapy, she drills me.
You know, after the session,what do we talk about? Did you
talk about me? Oh my god, did you say this about me?
Because if you did, it's notabout that other person. Set the boundaries
(37:21):
and say, hey, this ismy hour, this is my time,
it's about my stuff. You seemquite intrigued by it. Maybe you should
find your own therapist. You're allowedto set that boundary for yourself. It
is your session for you. CanI ask one stupid question, and I
know we're going to wrap things upin culture because I'm allowed that because I'm
(37:43):
the host. Co host. Yes, stupid question. Is there a couch?
There is a couch, you know, I mean there is a couch.
Dumb question. No, it's nota dumb question, but you know,
it's this whole stereotype. We havea Freud, you know, the
founding father of talk therapy, andthere is a couch, but you don't
(38:06):
have to lie on it, butthe couches associate. Well, it is
actually grounded in psychoanalysis. Freud's youknow, patiently on the couch. And
Freud was kind of behind the couchbecause he didn't want to interfere with you
with the process. If he disturbedyou somehow from your thoughts and your feelings.
He would sit behind the couch,so you would be looking at him,
you'd be looking outside or the skybecause he didn't want to interfere with
(38:29):
that process now psychoanalysis. People say, well, that's dated. Who goes
for that anymore? Who has timeto navel gaze for one hundred years?
We don't, but some therapists stilldo that. I have a couch.
Most people sit on the couch.They don't lie on it. But some
have asked me, can I liehere? I'm like, yeah, if
you take shoes off, you can. Because it's white and you're going to
screw it all up and I don'twant that. But I just want to
(38:51):
say, there's a theoretical framework forwhat psychotherapists do. So it's a very
human, intimate process, but weare grounded in theory. It's not like
we're just pulling this stuff out ofour ass. I just want I'm allowed
to spell it right, I'm justnot allowed to say it. I am
very passionate, as you can seeabout the profession of psychotherapy because I believe
(39:14):
in it wholeheartedly. I was inpsychotherapy. You can read all about that
in my book. I have vignettesin it from doctor Frank and I'll tell
you something. It is. Youknow, people will say to me,
I don't have the money to doit. The insurance company is not going
to cover it. I get thatall the time, and I'll tell you
it is probably the best spent moneyon yourself. Choose all the stuff that
(39:35):
I love to fleeting. But I'lltell you, seven years, twice a
week, I still tap back intothose sessions and I have those aha moments
like, Okay, this is whatdoctor Frank and I worked on, and
this is exactly what he was talkingabout. And if you read the preface
of my book, it's in theretoo that all these years later, some
of my stuff gets triggered and Igo back to doctor Frank all our sessions,
(39:59):
some unique ones we had to say, Okay, this is what he
was referring to, and I needto tweak this and still work on it.
It's still there. You know.I'm mostly unbleeped, but there's parts
of me that get triggered. Andthat's healthy, and that's normal because nobody
is perfect. We're all imperfectly perfect, even after lots of therapy. Okay,
just to close this up, Ijust want to leave you with this
(40:21):
thought. Guys, in psychotherapy,we don't think of the word cure.
I don't, my colleagues don't.Some people might well, to speak for
myself, cure is a huge word. What I focus on is helping people
to manage whatever it is that they'restruggling with. Yes, we might have
a diagnosis of this, and thenthere is a treatment of this, and
this is the prognosis. All ofthat. To say is my job is
(40:44):
to help you manage all of that, the relational stuff, the internal stuff
that's going on inside of you,and before you know, we are out
of time. Today, I wantto encourage you guys to seek out a
therapist. I just think we allneed some kind of therapy. And that's
okay. You go to the dentist, right, you go to the doctor
to have your heart check. Whyare we not checking and keeping our mind
(41:07):
in check? Because when the mindis not working well, the rest of
us is not going to work well. We pay a lot of lip service
to mental health psychotherapy, but atthe same time we still see it as
a dirty little word, something sneakythat happens in the back of this building.
God forbid she has a therapist.I just want you to be able
(41:29):
to think of psychotherapy and mental healthas a priority on your list. Put
it on your list, and ifyou've had an experience, it's not been
so good, It's okay, goand try another experience. There's lots of
good psychotherapists out there, and ifyou're looking to make an appointment with me,
I'm still accepting patients. You cango to my website at www ask
(41:50):
Anita Asley dot com. And Ibelieve we are out of time. Thank
you so much for tuning in today. So much more to talk about next
week. Thank you so much,Greg for putting all of this together and
helping me to stay focused and ontopic because you know, I can go
all over the place, I cantalk for hours. See you next time
on I bleed your life and relationshipsfrom the inside out.
Relationships, whether romantic, platonic,familial, are complicated and can be downright
MESSI bringing out the best and worstin all of us. Here's an opportunity
for you to learn effective, concretestrategies to help you build healthy relationships from
the inside out. It's on BleepYour Life and Relationships with host Anita Aslak,
(00:22):
psychotherapist of over twenty five years.Hey guys, welcome to another episode
of Unbleep Your Life and Relationships.I'm your host, Anita Ashley, psychotherapist
of twenty five years and plus anda published author of Unbleep Your Life and
Relationships. Today, there is alot to talk about. It's a Q
and A. I'd like to thankeverybody who sent questions and comments on my
(00:45):
social media Instagram page. The handleis ask Anita Asley. I love the
comments and I love the questions,and some of them will highlight questions and
comments I often get from people ingeneral about the process of psychotherapy. It's
intriguing. We all kind of wantto know what it is. What do
you do behind that do what dowe do behind that door? Oh my
(01:07):
gosh, what is taking place?And some of the One of the questions
is kind of a fun one.We're gonna have uh to talk about the
Sopranos. Stay tuned for that lateron in the show. Show Yes,
doctor Melfie our favorite psychoanalyst and whatdoes she do? How does she measure
up to a real life psychotherapist?These are things we're going to discuss.
Mobster, Yes, with a MobsterTony Sopranos therapist. Everybody wants to be
(01:33):
a fly on that wall, Wellwe actually are. We get a sneak
peak into what goes on in histherapy sessions. So I'm going to start
off with this comment that I receivedfrom somebody on Instagram. So thank you
so much, Sorry Tingue Tied thismorning. Thank you so much for sending
this in. And it's going toI think be very interesting. Okay,
let's get started, Anita, thisis not a question but a comment.
(01:57):
My wife and I went for couplestherapy a few years ago for some issues
we were having and I found itdid the opposite of what we thought.
We fought more and more, sowe just stopped going. What are your
thoughts on this? I feel itscrewed up my relationship more than anything else.
Wow, that's a loaded but there'sa lot to unpack in this comment.
(02:21):
Okay, first I want to say, buyer beware, whenever you're going
for any kind of purchase or service, of course you should shop around.
You should consult a few therapists tofind you know, have the experience with
them, especially if you've never beenin therapy before. You have to have
a good fit with them. Youhave to have a vibe. And generally
what I do with in the firstsession with a couple, individual or family,
(02:45):
we have our session and then Iasked them to go home and think
about the experience that they had,how they felt in the process with me,
and then get back to me andthen discuss it. Also, if
it's couples, discuss it with theirpartner in terms of how they also felt.
And if it's a good fit,good vibe, let's get working together.
So number one, buyer beware,go out and try a few therapists.
(03:07):
You don't have to stick with thefirst one. Some people do that
and think they have to. Youdon't. It's a consultation. The other
thing that I'm I'm thinking, Okay, you know what, psychotherapists don't usually
make things worse. Okay, someof them might. I'm just saying,
buyer, beware again, there's alwaysyou know, good ones and bad ones
(03:29):
and all that kind of stuff rightin every profession. What psychotherapists do,
and people are afraid of this,is that they highlight all those things that
you've been kind of hiding. It'seasy to walk around with all that stuff
in the world right and be indenial of it avoided. But yeah,
when you go for therapy, there'sa lot of stuff that's gonna come out
(03:51):
in the cup, in your relationship, within yourself, within your family that
you're not gonna like, You're gonnafeel very uncomfortable with. And they like
in this situation there he says thatwe fought more. Yes, you will
fight, and like I've said before, fighting is a healthy process. Is
how you fight. But the factthat you're fighting more, it's because something
(04:12):
was being triggered inside of you andyour partner and we're uncovering all of that
and that's very uncomfortable for some people. So to that part of your quiet
comment, I would say, well, that's healthy, that's normal. It's
not the therapist's fault that you're fightingmore. This is all the stuff that
you've been avoiding and it's finally comingto the forefront. And that's like a
procedure, right Basically, you're moving, you're moving forward. You're moving forward.
(04:35):
It's like anything. If you're gonnahave surgery. Before surgery, you
might feel okay and you have somepain, like, yeah, a relationship,
we've got some issues going on,and then you go in for the
surgery and you're going to be insome pain for a while after that until
you're fully recovered. So I've talkedabout this in my book too Unbleep Your
Life and Relationships, available on Simonand Schuster and Amazon dot com. Where
(05:00):
when we're in the process, wesometimes feel like, wait a minute,
I'm feeling worse than I was beforeI came into the session. It must
be the therapy. It must bethe therapist, And overall it generally isn't.
It's what's triggering inside of you.What thoughts, what thought what feelings
are being brought up to the surfacethat you're not comfortable dealing with. That's
(05:23):
normal, that's healthy. So Iwould say to you, I don't think
it's your therapist's fault because you don'tseem to be mentioning other things. But
again, buyer beware. It isthat you perhaps are not ready at this
point in time to deal with someof those issues. And that's okay,
and you might be ready and nextyear or later on. But the fact
that you got you were fighting abit more, I would think that's a
(05:45):
good thing. It's kind of uncoveringsome of the stuff that you've been trying
to hide for so long. Howdo you know when you're over the hump
though, when you stop fighting somuch? Is that what you're talking about?
I think you're over the hump.Well, first of all, I
would share that. I would Iwould encourage you to go back to the
therapist if you could, just toresolve some of this stuff. Because I
always ask my patients when they're feelingreally uncomfortable, and they do, at
(06:06):
some point feel uncomfortable because I'm aconfrontational therapist. But even if I wasn't,
at some point, if the therapyis being effective, you're going to
feel uncomfortable. You're not going tolike the process. But I would encourage
that person. Then I always encourage, encourage my patients share that with me,
tell me, and I can usuallysense it. I can usually pick
it up that they're resisting, andthey're resisting change, and change is something
(06:30):
that's difficult. We want it,but we don't want it because it's uncomfortable
for us. I encourage them toshare that with me, and then we
talk about what it's like, whatis that discomfort like for you, and
what's going on at home because ofthese things that were but the buttons that
were pushing, And they'll say,well, I'm fighting more with my mom,
I'm fighting more with my partner,and they don't like that. And
I'll say, of course they don'tlike that because they want you to be
(06:54):
the way that you were before.Anytime we're trying to work on changing something
within our cells and within our relationships, it's uncomfortable and it makes the people
around us uncomfortable because they see itin us. And if I'm going to
change in my relationship with you,it's going to force you to pivot a
bit too. It's like the dominoeffect, right, If I shift one
(07:16):
domino, it forces all the otherones to feel uncomfortable and also shift their
position. So I would say toyou, you know, if you still
have some contact with that therapist,go back express some of those feelings and
those thoughts share them with your wife, and still if you're feeling uncomfortable,
try somebody else, But don't letthat dissuade you from seeking out more therapy.
(07:38):
Do you have that happen to you? Do you have patients come from
other therapists? Yes, it didn'twork for me. Yes. When I
have a patient who comes to meand I call it a graveyard of therapists,
I think, well, I'm probablygoing to end up in that graveyard
too. I like to think thatI'm not that I'm going to be the
one, because I always have hopethat I'm going to be the one that's
(07:59):
going to help somebody work through whateveris that they're going through. But I
will also address that. I willalso say to them, you know,
it seems like you've had a manytherapists in your past. Tell me what
that was like for you. AndI have found in twenty seven years of
twenty five years of experienced twenty sevenit's been a long time that generally it
is something about them. And Itry not to blame every other therapists because
(08:22):
they enter. People enter therapy atdifferent phases of their life. And perhaps
when this person comes to me andthey have been like a graveyard. I
think, Okay, maybe now they'retruly ready to work on some of their
stuff, or maybe I have topoint out to that Wait a minute.
If it's everybody, it's got tobe you. So are you ready?
Let's get in the trenches, like, get in the trenches with you to
work some of this stuff out.Because again, guys, if it's everybody,
(08:46):
it's got to be you, andyou've got to look in the mirror.
Is there such a thing as beinga hypochondriac when it comes to this,
because like my brother in law,it was more medical than the physical
mental. But is it possible inwhat way? What do you mean a
hypercontract because that it advies illness?Well, I mean going to everybody there's
something wrong with me? Yeah,yeah, Well there are people who are
(09:09):
like that, hysterical personalities. Idon't like to label, but you know,
label sometimes help us to understand theperson and what they're struggling with.
Michal, with somebody like that wouldbe to be okay, we have to
calm your internal system down. Let'slook at what's been going on in your
life with the regards to professional services, and let's see what I can do
to help you with that. Thegoal is always to help the person in
(09:31):
front of me to kind of calmtheir internal world down before we start disturbing
that stuff, because psychotherapy is aprocess in which I will disturb your internal
world with intention and with purpose,but I will also help you to put
some of that back together before youwalk out the door. People talk about
therapy in terms of oh my gosh, it's gonna break me up, and
(09:54):
I'm gonna be crying all the time, and I'm gonna be so emotional,
and like in this comment, thefighting is going to inc Yes, but
I if you're a good therapist,and I think that I am, I
will help help you to contain that. Once you leave the therapy session and
I realize that, you know,people will come to you in the middle
of the day they're like, Ican't get into this because I have to
go to work and I have abig meeting. Part of my job is
(10:15):
to help them pack it all upand put it on the emotional bookshelf until
next time or until they've completed,you know, their meeting and so forth,
and they can deal with it atnight. Because we have to be
able to put those things back togetherto function in society. We have to
have a strong ego. We willcontinue this conversation. I'll share more questions
in comments with you after this messagebreak. Everyone strives for healthier relationships.
(10:39):
Here's more of Unbleep Your Life andRelationships on news Talk eleven th wis.
Welcome back to Unbleep your Life andRelationships. I'm your host, Anita ask
Lee, a psychotherapist of twenty fiveyears and plus. Oh my god,
I'm showing my age over here today. We are taking questions. I'm answering
questions that are sent to me viaInstagram asking you ask Lee. That is
(11:01):
my handle. We just talked aboutsomebody's Someone sent in a comment about psychotherapy
and how it made things worse forthem, and I was just saying,
and I will reiterate, psychotherapy inand of itself does not make things worse
most therapists. Is not the goal, that's not the intent. What it
does it disturbs all that shi tThere you go, Greg, I didn't
(11:22):
say I spelled it. It disturbsall of that stuff that's going on inside
of you that needs disturbing for itto be fixed. There's a solution.
You in the world can walk aroundwith all that stuff. But once you
get into a therapy therapeutic room,part of the therapist's job is to challenge
you. It is not just tosit back and listen and not and not
(11:43):
say anything. We have to bemost effective. Therapists are in there with
you trying to help you resolve someof these issues. And you know what,
I will also say this that Imight not be a good fit for
somebody. I've had patients like thatMy approaches something that's not comfortable for them,
and then I reckon nind set andsay, Okay, this has to
be a good fit and if you'renot comfortable, then you need to seek
(12:05):
another therapist. I don't take itpersonally. Not everybody has a good vibe.
And if you're feeling that with yourtherapist, it's time to change.
You don't have to stay there forThere's different times, just like just like
normal life, there's different personality,there's different personalities, and the therapeutic relationship
is it's one of the most uniquerelationships in the world. My own therapy,
(12:26):
which I'll talk about a little bitlater. It is a professional relationship
and the boundaries are very important tokeep in place. There's ethical guidelines and
all that kind of stuff. Butit is also the most intimate relationship that
I've ever had in my life.It is the most intimate relationship that most
people have in their life if they'retruly able to commit to the process and
(12:46):
be honest in what they're really therefor. And that takes time to build.
So again, if it doesn't fit, find somebody else. There are
therapists who work in very different ways. There are therapists who practice psychoanalysis,
so we're going to get inside todoctor Melfie from the Sopranos. And there
are therapists who are cognitive behavioral.You have ten sessions with me and test
(13:07):
sessions, we're done. We're notgonna talk about the past. We're gonna
talk about what's going on with youtoday, and I'm gonna give you some
behavioral techniques to use to fix that. Then there's therapists who want to go
all the way in the past andfind out what happened to you as a
kid and where you are today asa function of that. And that's a
different kind of approach. Some peoplemight not like that. They want to
have a concrete thing to take homeevery session, psychoanilysts are not gonna do
(13:31):
that. Now. My approach isintegrative, meaning I take concepts from different
schools of thought and I put themall into one basket. Because I believe
there is no one theory that fitseveryone, and no one theory can help
everyone. So I take what Ilike, you know what I like,
(13:52):
and I form my own. It'slike saying, Okay, I've got this
suit cut out for you, Greg, and I'm gonna force you to fit
into this suit. You might notfit into them most likely you want because
it's pre cut, it's pre determined. So what I do is I have
this suit, but I'm able tokind of tailor it to whoever is sitting
in front and made. People comewith different issues, people of all ages,
(14:13):
different social cultural backgrounds that I haveto try to work with in a
way that I feel it's going tobe most effective for them. So again,
if you're not comfortable with your therapists, find a new one. But
before you do that, share thiswith the therapists and let's see what the
therapist says to you. And theymight be like, yeah, I agree
with you, we're not a goodfit. And here are some other people
(14:35):
you can call bye bye, butdon't give up on the process. Don't
give up because I truly believe init. It is effective if you get
to the right therapist. Okay,let's go to question number two. This
is a very interesting one and Iget ask as often everyone in my family
is in some type of therapy.Do you think this is good? Well,
I can't speak specifically for this ifit's good or bad. What I
(15:00):
can say ask you is to askyourself if it's helping. But me and
myself, I have worked with peoplewhere everybody's in therapy, and I say,
okay, wait a minute, guys, because I do believe that we
can over therapize people. Sure,and sometimes I have said to people,
you know, somebody's got to giveup a therapist over here. We can.
First of all, we can't havetwo couple therapists. We can't have
(15:20):
two individual therapists because they're going tomake contradict each other and that's not going
to be helpful to you and it'sgoing to make the therapist's life much more
difficult. So sometimes I do say, okay, when you're done with that
therapist, come and see me andwe can work together. If there are
too many therapists involved with the samefamily. I believe there's not enough time
(15:43):
or space for them to tap intotheir own resources to help themselves. So
I think a good fit is youhave an individual therapist, you have a
couple therapists, and sometimes you mightwant to pause the individual therapy. Sometimes
you might want to pause the couplestherapy depending on what's going going on.
But yes, we can be overtherapized. And this is coming from a
therapist who believes in therapy. Buttoo much therapy is also not good.
(16:08):
Where do you have time to utilizesome of the stuff that you're working on.
Where do you have time to nothave any intervention and just work on
yourself and all the things that aretaking place in your own therapy? You
know? Got it brings up somebodylike from California where the dad the mom
have their own therapist, that theteenage kids have their own therapists, everybody's
(16:30):
got a therapist. No, that'sjust way too much. It's too much.
And I have worked with and Ihave said, like I was saying
before, Okay, somebody here hasto give up something, and let's do
Because I am a family therapist andI just want to point out a couples
in family therapy is a specialty withinthe field of psychotherapy, and guys,
if you are seeking to do couplestherapy, I would encourage you always to
(16:52):
go to the aa AMFT website andthey list all therapists in all states who
have a specialty in couples It isa different type of training to an individual
therapist. It is we work verydifferently because think about it. If I'm
doing individual therapy, I'm sitting inthe room, there's your personality, there
is my personality, and I'm goingto deal with that. Right as a
(17:14):
family, I have five people inthere, right, that's a very different
approach. It's very different techniques thatwe're going to apply, and it is
a specialty. So if you guyslistening out there are looking for couples family
therapy, make sure that that personyou're going to see is license in that
profession. Not all psychologists or individualstherapists are trained to do that. So
(17:36):
another key for buyer beware, checkthe person out, check their credentials out.
It's important. What was the websiteagain on that AAMFT dot org.
It's the American Association of Marriage andfamily therapists, and I am a clinical
member. So look and they havea listing. If you live in New
York, look in New York andthey will list everybody who's trained and license
in marriage and family therapy and youcan give them a call. They've been
(18:00):
vetted. Trust me, it's along vetting process. Okay, let's get
to the next question. I haveso many questions to address today in comments.
How long does therapy take? Ohmy gosh, that's a good one.
I've been asked this a million times. How long is it going to
take? Anita? When am Igoing to be? Okay, that's a
difficult question. I generally, youknow, say well, how long you've
been doing this? Then haha,it's not going to take It's a difficult
(18:23):
question to answer. It just dependson where you are in the process yourself,
where you are in the issue thatyou're struggling with. And I don't
have a second number of sessions now, I'd like to share that the insurance
company does because they hate seeing youknow, you seeing your therapists for over
a year or more than a year. And for me to get reimbursed on
(18:45):
that, that's a whole nother show. Is I have to clinically diagnose you
with something that's pretty severe. Okay, most insurance companies don't want to pay
for Oh you have relationship issues,no problem, You're covered. People don't
know that, and I think that'sso unfair. We pay into all these
policies and when it comes time tocollect for an issue like that as a
(19:07):
therapist, they deny the claim.And it just goes to show that,
you know, as much as wewant to work on our mental health and
we promote getting services, the insurancecompanies are not our friends. They're usually
not on the same page. That'swhy a lot of therapists switch to private
pay and say, listen, I'vegot to give you a diagnosis, and
I've got to be ethical in thisprocess. So this is the most this
(19:30):
is the least harmful. And thatgoes on because people want coverage and the
therapist wants you to take advantage ofyour insurance policy. But we have to
kind of dance around it so wedon't get in trouble. And of course
the patient, you know, it'snot harmful to the patient. But again,
going to the question of how longdoes it take, that's an unknown
and when people ask me that that'swhat I say to them. I don't
(19:52):
know. I guess we'll find thatout during this process. And are you
in a rush, because, again, guys, change takes time. It
doesn't happen overnight. But this questionis a function of a society we live
in today. I want to quickfix, give me a pill because that'll
make me feel better, And Idon't believe in that. I believe in
(20:12):
if the change is going to bemaintained, it's going to be long term,
then it's going to take time.These changes that you see happening very
quickly, I don't trust them,and I don't have confidence that their long
term changes. I can just speakfrom my own experience. When I do
things that I need to really changethem, I can have a knee jerk
(20:33):
reaction desperty to change something because I'mtrying to save something. But then I
realize over time that it's not sustainable, it's not long term, and I've
got to give more time to it. So the time is going to be
what it's going to be. Andthere's no answer. Most therapists can't answer
that question. We are going toget back in about a couple of minutes,
a couple of seconds. Actually withmore questions, it is time to
(20:53):
take a break with I don't believeyour Life and Relationships. Anita Astley has
more advice on how to on bleepyour Life and Relationships on news Talk eleven
thirty WYS Welcome back to Unbleep yourLife and Relationships. I'm your host Anita
Ashley. Today I am taking questionsand addressing comments sentence via Instagram. Ask
(21:18):
Anita Ashley. That's my handle onInstagram. It is the medium I'm most
active on. So we were justtalking about how long does therapy take,
a question that most people ask whenthey walk through that door, and I
just said, you know, it'san unknown. If you are a cognitive
behavioral therapist, you might say it'sgoing to take ten sessions and that's all
I'm gonna that's all it's going totake. But if you're a therapist like
(21:41):
myself who has an integrative approach,I can't give you a number. What
I usually say, well, let'ssee how we're doing in a couple of
weeks, in a couple of months, but at the minimum, let's stick
to this for six months and seewhat happens. And I go back to
my own experience, which I sharein my book called Unbleep Your Life and
Relationship on Amazon and Simon and Schusterif you guys are interested. I'm thinking
(22:03):
back to my own therapy because Iwas in therapy for about seven years.
Twice a week as a function ofmy program, I had to do it.
And I remember walking in saying doctorFrank, I have to be here.
It's only for educational purposes. Youknow, the skilled man that he
was. He goes, yeah,sit down, let's talk about this.
Of course, it took its ownpath and it was one of the most
(22:25):
wonderful experiences of my life. Iwant to say that it took me at
least a year before I could totallytrust him and the process. So I'm
just saying to you again, changetakes time. Trust takes time. The
therapeutic relationship is one of the mostunique relationships, one of the most intimate
relationships you can possibly have, andthat takes time to develop. When you
(22:48):
say it twice a week, arewe talking like a Tuesday and a Friday
for one hour? Is that whatyou normally? He's a psychoanalyst, so
the psychoanalytic hour is fifty minutes.I would go twice a week for fifty
minutes. And at first I waslike, oh God, I don't this
is leading actually into the next question. I was like, this is such
a pain. I got classes.It's snowing outside. It was in Montreal,
(23:11):
Canada, and one day I justcalled him up and I said,
you know, I can't come today. And I could have gone. It
was this massive snowstorm. I hada test to study for. I'm like,
I don't need to really be there. That's like when I was at
the early stages. Now, justhold on to that story because it lends
itself to the next question or comment. Okay, so hold on to that,
(23:33):
guys. I'm going to continue withthat story because it has relevance.
This comment here is very important,and we're going to tie it all up
together. I'm in therapy and havebeen for about six months, but put
a pause on it. I misseda few sessions and my therapist charged me,
Oh, I was really upset aboutthis. He knows that I'm struggling
financially, and I feel if hecared about me, he wouldn't have done
(23:56):
that. And I'm upset. Well, there's so many aspects of this question,
and let's get back to my story. We're just going to be linked
to it. I call my therapistand I say, I can't come today.
Doctor Frank, this is less thantwenty four hours. Most clinicians have
a twenty four hour rule. Andhe said, what do you mean we
have a session in an hour?I said, I have all kinds of
(24:18):
excuses, right, And he said, well, you know, Anita,
I'm going to charge you for thesession because it's not the first time you've
done this. It's the second orthird time, and I've kind of let
it go, but I'm going tocharge you. I was so mad,
just like here, I'm like,how could you possibly charge me? You
don't care about me. I'm astruggling student. What kind of beepep are
(24:40):
you? And you know, hegave me the big talk and he said,
well, I'm going to charge you. So either I'm going to fire
you, charge you or both.So are you committed or not? So
then I thought about it. Iwas angry, you know, I was
thinking about my dad treated me likethis. All kinds of issues came to
the service, triggered a lot ofstuff. So I said, all right,
charge me, and then the nextI went in with a lot of
(25:00):
pouting and anger and hurt because I'mlike, you don't care. Your just
is all about the money. That'sa whole nother story we can get into.
What I want to say to thisquestion is, Yeah, there is
a practical part of psychotherapy. It'sa business. We are professionals. We've
been trained, and our time isvaluable as everybody else's, and there's no
(25:21):
reason why we shouldn't get paid.We have a business to run. The
second part, and this is themost important part, and this is what
doctor Frank was trying to teach me, is the part about when we are
in the process and something comes upand it's difficult for us, especially if
it's like in this comment, it'snot the first time they cancel. It's
a couple of times. Right,that's a red flag for me to say,
(25:44):
this person is canceling because they don'twant to face what we're talking about.
They're running away from what we're talkingabout because they can do that out
in the world. But as aneffective therapist, so the fee has a
secondary benefit in terms of I'm goingto charge you because you're avoiding what we're
talking about. We'll discussed that lateron in the session, and then when
you come back and got to pointout the relevance of it, you might
(26:07):
not be conscious of the fact thatyou're canceling the sessions because you don't want
to talk about what's we've been talkingabout. You'll just make up excuses like,
gidd uh, it's snowing outside andyou know, I got an exam.
But literally, we were talking aboutvery important things related to my dad
that I just wanted to avoid.But I'll tell you something, when it
hits you in the pocket, you'regonna go. And then you're upset with
it, Well, I would sayto you, talk to your therapist,
(26:29):
tell them how you feel that you'reupset and you're feeling not cared for.
And I remember doctor Frank saying tome, Anita, I care for you.
That's why I'm actually charging you.The two can coexist on the practical
sense, I have a schedule andyou're being disrespectful to my time. But
on the other hand, on theother aspect, the more important one,
you're running away because we were talkingabout ABCD, and I noticed after we
(26:51):
talked about ABCD, you didn't wantto come back. You had two cancelations
back to back. There is thatpart, and an effective therapist, we'll
get you back into the session andhelp you to understand that component. A
very important part of the fee isto say come back into session. You're
not coming because this is problematic andhard for you to talk about. So
(27:15):
there is the business side, butthere's also the therapeutic side, which if
you're not a really effective therapist,you're not going to be able to effectively
explain that to the client. Butmost clients get that and they're like,
oh, yeah, you're right.It's true. I didn't want to come
in because last session we talked aboutthis and I felt awful afterwards, and
I didn't want to feel awful again. But I say, okay, when
you feel like that, instead ofcanceling the session, you have to make
(27:38):
ten times the effort to make sureyou're here with me, because then I
can help you work through those uncomfortablefeelings. You don't have to run away
from the therapy. Does that makeany sense? Absolutely, because it's easy
to just call and cancel. AndI was afraid to add, like you're
gonna fire me. I thought youcared about me. Part of caring and
part of being a therapist is wehear where the hat of tough love sometimes.
(28:02):
Ye, you know you're gonna comein and you're going to pay,
So there is there's that part ofit. So I encourage you to,
you know, not take the pausebutton off, call your therapist, go
in and tell them how you feelabout being charged and that that makes you
feel uncared for it. And I'msure that your therapist which gets you back
in and I'm sure that you're workingon stuff that's very uncomfortable for you and
(28:26):
reflect on that what is going onin the session that you're running away from.
Okay, here is another question thatI'm sure a lot of you are
intrigued by. It is a issomebody who wrote in and asked about my
impression of doctor Melfie on the Soprano. Yeah, Anita, I'm very intrigued
(28:48):
by psychotherapy. My only experience ofit is from watching the Sopranos. What
are your thoughts on how she isportrayed in the show. Do you think
it's accurate doctor Melfie? Are youaware of Doctor Melchie I told you off
air. I finally got a chanceto see the whole series. Yeah,
I never saw it in its originalrun, and everybody kept out, what
(29:11):
are you doing? So I finallywatched Fell in Love with That. I
think I'm gonna watch it again.Yeah, but I love that dynamic between
the psychoanalyst and a mobster. Yeah, And it seemed like towards the end
there there was like a relationship forme, was there? Well, there
is a relationship. It is calledthe therapeutic relationship. And she does a
pretty good job and she, youknow, they portrayed it as she didn't
(29:33):
breach any boundaries, and I justwant to say it's the depiction is quite
good, realistic. That's you know, some of the things that you're talking
about, the emotions and the love. The sexual transference we call it in
psychotherapy takes place between a patient andthe doctor. It happens you put two
(29:53):
people in a room together for anextended period of time. Both people are
going to have and feelings about theother. Of course, as a professional,
we have to maintain our boundaries andnever exploit the feelings of the patient.
And she never did that. Sheknew that he was very open up
front that he was in love withher and wanted to date her. He
(30:14):
brought her flowers. She did avery good job as she should as a
professional to maintain the boundaries. Now. I don't know if you guys remember,
but think back, and maybe youneed to watch it again. He
brings her a cup of coffee.Yeah, you remember that. This is
how it starts, not that patientsdo that. They bring me a cup
of coffee, and at first youaccept it because you're like, oh,
that's very kind, thank you somuch. But then when you start bringing
(30:37):
coffee every other session, and thenyou start bringing flowers and you start you
have to stop that. As aprofessional. You say, okay, you
know, I really appreciate you doingthis, and the first one was great,
but what does all of this mean? Because it's unnecessary and please,
I have to say no, andI have to ask you not to do
this anymore. But you have todo that with very delicately, because you
don't want to make them feel rejecting. And that's exactly how we felt.
(31:00):
He was very rejected and was veryangry with her. I don't know if
you remember. At one point hegets up in the session. And I've
had patients too that they get upand they're angry. But she handles the
situation really well. She's very differentto me. I'm not a you know,
she's a very very much a psychoanalyst, a pure psychoanalyst. I'm not
that, and I think that thewhole thing with her suit. You know,
(31:22):
as a therapist, when you watchshows with other therapists, you always
like, oh, okay, what'sgoing on over here? The suit is
not something I ever wear. It'sa suit of armor. You know.
When I was in training, youknow, when I was in training,
my supervisor would look at you,know, how your dress, what are
you portraying to the client? Andshe is that she's a psychoanalyst. She's
got the you know, the suiton and but for me, it's a
(31:44):
suit of armor. I never dressedlike that in session. I'm pretty down
to as you've seen me coming withjeans and stuff. I'm appropriate. But
I just want to be able toconnect with my patients more. And I
feel like if I'm not wearing asuit, it's not such a corporate relationship.
It's more of like, hey,we're two humans coming together. I
have these credentials and I'm going totry to help you with whatever it is
(32:07):
you're struggling with. She's different,but I gotta tell you, she's an
amazing actress number one. I think, doctor, you know, I forget
her name, but she does anincredible job. I think she's a little
bit too cold. When he startsto express some of his what's known in
psychotherapy as sexual transference, it's reallynot about her. It is really about
(32:28):
thoughts and feelings that he has abouthis mother, his family that he puts
onto her. And this happens intherapy all the time. And if you're
in therapy and you're experiencing some ofthat, it's okay, it's healthy,
it's normal, as long as thetherapist is helping you with those feelings and
not acting out and not taking themas if they're real and they belong to
her. I've had patients to Tommy, I'm in love with you, Anita,
(32:51):
and I think, well, you'renot in love with me, You're
in love with what I represent toyou. I'm a person who sits here.
I listen to you without judge.I give you unconditional positive regard.
I care for your benefits. Theseare all the things that we look for
in a mother, a father,a teacher, a coach, and I
represent all those things. Problems arisewhen I actually believe them and think they're
(33:14):
really about me, Because to lovesomebody, and I'll point this out in
a very kind, caring manner,in order to really love me, you'd
have to know who I am,and you only know me in this capacity.
And yeah, you know my book, I talk about all my personal
stuff and that you know that,But you don't know Anita outside of this
room. It's what I represent withinthat room, and that's portrayed really well
(33:36):
in the Sopranos. He falls inlove with her because he has so many
issues with his mom. She's avery uncaring, cold mother, and here
is a professional, attractive woman who'slistening and giving him the affection in a
very professional way that he never got, validation that he never got as a
child, and he falls in lovewith those qualities. He's not in love
(33:57):
with her. There are some thingsthat she did wrong, though, right,
I don't think what tell me,what did you think that she did
wrong? Well, like at thetable, didn't she kind of spill the
beans on a few things. Well, there's a scene where she's having dinner
with her family and somehow it's impliedthat Tony Soprano is her patient. Yeah,
that's unethical. You're not supposed toshare a talk or imply that you
(34:17):
know this person is your patient.But you know people say that it's pillow
talk, right, I'm not gonnaIt's supposed to be one hundred percent confidential,
and that you have it is acornerstone of psychotherapy. If you don't
believe you're or trust your psychotherapist,you should change. And I'll tell you
something, No bit of gossip isworth losing your license over. And I
would never do that. One hundredpercent confidentiality. That's the uniqueness of this
(34:42):
relationship. But I also just wantto say before we go to break it's
interesting how people are always curious bythe process and I say, well,
why don't you try it out?But they're scared. They're intrigued, they're
curious, and they like to listento other people's experiences of therapy. But
then they're like, yeah, I'mkind of too afraid to go on my
own. We'll talk more about thatwhen we come back in a few minutes.
(35:02):
Unbleep Your Life and Relationships Back toUnbleep your Life and Relationships on News
Talking eleven thirty wys Welcome back toUnbleep your Life and Relationships with Anita Ashley.
Today we are I'm addressing comments andquestions sent in from Instagram. We
were just talking about doctor Melfie fromThe Sopranos and whether the depiction is a
(35:28):
pretty good one, and I'd sayyes, it is. Love and those
intense feelings, guys, are avery important part of the psychotherapeutic process,
as long as the professional maintains theirboundaries and ethical guidelines and so forth,
and protects the client at all costs. Love is an emotion that's part of
the process, and it's the mosthuman process that we go to when we
(35:52):
sit with in a room with somebodyand share some of our most intimate thoughts
and feelings. And if you've triedit and you haven't had I had a
good experience, it's okay. It'smeant that that therapist was not a good
fit for you. Don't give upon the process. Go find somebody else
and try it again. Don't giveup. Part of the doctor Melfie thing
(36:12):
on TV, I think is reallyinteresting because we're all curious about the process.
I'm well, I'm curious. I'ma therapist, and I love watching
that on TV because I'm like,Okay, this is good this is bad.
You know, we all do shareif we're in the profession. But
part of it is, you know, one of the questions that I probably
won't get time to address to there. The comment is that Anita, I'm
in therapy and every time I gohome after therapy, my partner asks me
(36:36):
a million questions about the process.So there is that part that we all
want to look in. We allwant to peek in, but we don't
want to jump in that room.And I say to that person, if
you can relate to this, guys, is you can set the boundaries to
say, my therapy is for meand what I talk about in there is
for my benefit. If you wantto join the session one day as my
(36:57):
partner, we could do that.It's an option. But we could also
find a couple's therapists. What I'msaying to you is therapy after therapy is
not a good thing. People tellme this all the time. I went
home, and because my mom paysfor the therapy, she drills me.
You know, after the session,what do we talk about? Did you
talk about me? Oh my god, did you say this about me?
Because if you did, it's notabout that other person. Set the boundaries
(37:21):
and say, hey, this ismy hour, this is my time,
it's about my stuff. You seemquite intrigued by it. Maybe you should
find your own therapist. You're allowedto set that boundary for yourself. It
is your session for you. CanI ask one stupid question, and I
know we're going to wrap things upin culture because I'm allowed that because I'm
(37:43):
the host. Co host. Yes, stupid question. Is there a couch?
There is a couch, you know, I mean there is a couch.
Dumb question. No, it's nota dumb question, but you know,
it's this whole stereotype. We havea Freud, you know, the
founding father of talk therapy, andthere is a couch, but you don't
(38:06):
have to lie on it, butthe couches associate. Well, it is
actually grounded in psychoanalysis. Freud's youknow, patiently on the couch. And
Freud was kind of behind the couchbecause he didn't want to interfere with you
with the process. If he disturbedyou somehow from your thoughts and your feelings.
He would sit behind the couch,so you would be looking at him,
you'd be looking outside or the skybecause he didn't want to interfere with
(38:29):
that process now psychoanalysis. People say, well, that's dated. Who goes
for that anymore? Who has timeto navel gaze for one hundred years?
We don't, but some therapists stilldo that. I have a couch.
Most people sit on the couch.They don't lie on it. But some
have asked me, can I liehere? I'm like, yeah, if
you take shoes off, you can. Because it's white and you're going to
screw it all up and I don'twant that. But I just want to
(38:51):
say, there's a theoretical framework forwhat psychotherapists do. So it's a very
human, intimate process, but weare grounded in theory. It's not like
we're just pulling this stuff out ofour ass. I just want I'm allowed
to spell it right, I'm justnot allowed to say it. I am
very passionate, as you can seeabout the profession of psychotherapy because I believe
(39:14):
in it wholeheartedly. I was inpsychotherapy. You can read all about that
in my book. I have vignettesin it from doctor Frank and I'll tell
you something. It is. Youknow, people will say to me,
I don't have the money to doit. The insurance company is not going
to cover it. I get thatall the time, and I'll tell you
it is probably the best spent moneyon yourself. Choose all the stuff that
(39:35):
I love to fleeting. But I'lltell you, seven years, twice a
week, I still tap back intothose sessions and I have those aha moments
like, Okay, this is whatdoctor Frank and I worked on, and
this is exactly what he was talkingabout. And if you read the preface
of my book, it's in theretoo that all these years later, some
of my stuff gets triggered and Igo back to doctor Frank all our sessions,
(39:59):
some unique ones we had to say, Okay, this is what he
was referring to, and I needto tweak this and still work on it.
It's still there. You know.I'm mostly unbleeped, but there's parts
of me that get triggered. Andthat's healthy, and that's normal because nobody
is perfect. We're all imperfectly perfect, even after lots of therapy. Okay,
just to close this up, Ijust want to leave you with this
(40:21):
thought. Guys, in psychotherapy,we don't think of the word cure.
I don't, my colleagues don't.Some people might well, to speak for
myself, cure is a huge word. What I focus on is helping people
to manage whatever it is that they'restruggling with. Yes, we might have
a diagnosis of this, and thenthere is a treatment of this, and
this is the prognosis. All ofthat. To say is my job is
(40:44):
to help you manage all of that, the relational stuff, the internal stuff
that's going on inside of you,and before you know, we are out
of time. Today, I wantto encourage you guys to seek out a
therapist. I just think we allneed some kind of therapy. And that's
okay. You go to the dentist, right, you go to the doctor
to have your heart check. Whyare we not checking and keeping our mind
(41:07):
in check? Because when the mindis not working well, the rest of
us is not going to work well. We pay a lot of lip service
to mental health psychotherapy, but atthe same time we still see it as
a dirty little word, something sneakythat happens in the back of this building.
God forbid she has a therapist.I just want you to be able
(41:29):
to think of psychotherapy and mental healthas a priority on your list. Put
it on your list, and ifyou've had an experience, it's not been
so good, It's okay, goand try another experience. There's lots of
good psychotherapists out there, and ifyou're looking to make an appointment with me,
I'm still accepting patients. You cango to my website at www ask
(41:50):
Anita Asley dot com. And Ibelieve we are out of time. Thank
you so much for tuning in today. So much more to talk about next
week. Thank you so much,Greg for putting all of this together and
helping me to stay focused and ontopic because you know, I can go
all over the place, I cantalk for hours. See you next time
on I bleed your life and relationshipsfrom the inside out.
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