January 10, 2025 • 30 mins
If you are a parent, you are likely hoping to raise your kids to develop strong and resilient brains so they can live happy and productive lives. A new book written by Child Psychologist Dr. Charles Fay and Neuropsychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen gives pratical, easy to understand advice that encompasses your childs brain and their mind to help them become adults who can successfully navigate life on their own. Let's hear more about the book, "Raising Mentally Strong Kids: How to Combine the Power of Neuroscience with Love and Logic to Grow Confident, Kind, Responsible, and Resilient Children and Young Adults" with Dr. Charles Fay.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to Virginia Focus. I'm Rebecca Hughes of the Virginia
News Network. If you are a parent, you are likely
hoping to raise your kids to develop strong and resilient
brains so that they can live happy and productive lives.
A new book written by child psychologist doctor Charles Fay
and neuropsychiatrist doctor Daniel Aman gives practical, easy to understand
(00:27):
advice that encompasses your child's brain and their mind to
help them become adults who can successfully navigate life on
their own. Let's hear more about the book, Raising Mentally
Strong Kids, How to combine the power of neuroscience with
love and logic to grow confident, kind, responsible and resilient
children and young adults with doctor Charles Faye. Thank you
(00:48):
for joining us on the show today. I am so
excited about learning more about your research and hearing about
this book.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Thank you so much. It's such a blessing to be
with you.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
So let's start by talking about your expertise. Why don't
you give us a thirty thousand foot view of your
career and what you have experienced in that time.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Well, first of all, I'm a parent of three boys,
two of them are adults, and we had a later
in life, surprise, wonderful child and he's seventeen. So I'm
living the parenting thing. I know, how humbling, how challenging
it is. I also have studied a parent's families, schools,
(01:39):
other organizations that serve children for over thirty years, traveled
around the world speaking to group, sharing practical strategies, worked
with individual clients in psychotherapy and consulting, and written a
number of books and produced a number of other resources,
(02:01):
and so lots of personal experience that's humbled to me tremendously.
But also been in the trenches with families for a
long time.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Yeah, that sounds awesome. I know when it comes to
psychology in particular, that field of study is far behind
the rest of studying the body, and I don't I'm
always fascinated at why that is, because our brain is like,
you know, the control tower, and yet it's one of
(02:31):
the last organs we've really started delving in and studying,
probably because it's so complex. But you've seen a lot
of changes in the way we think about stuff like
that throughout the years. Why don't you talk a little
bit about that and what you've seen recently.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Well, the strategies for studying the organ the brain just
rooves so dramatically. And my my co author and friend,
doctor Daniel aman Is, he is really a genius when
it comes to this and done so many brain scans,
a huge uh catalog of data looking at the brain
(03:16):
and seeing how they're are identifiable differences that are that
are correlated with with different challenges people face. And and
he is quick to say that, you know, he he
learned early on that uh, you know, psychiatrists are just
(03:37):
we're just shooting in the in the dark. You know,
they weren't looking at how the brain functioned. They weren't
looking at actual objective data. Uh. And he was I
think one of the very first to really say, hey,
we need to we need to be able to look
at the brain. You know. He came to me a
(03:59):
few years ago go and and he'll he'll share this
story if you ask him. But he said, you know,
I was I was struggling with with one of my
own kids and uh and trying to work with my
wife on how to parent this this wonderful child. And
my wife became obsessed with this stuff called love and logic,
(04:19):
and I thought, what is that, and and she started
using and I and Daniel will say doctor Amon will say, hey,
it was exactly the stuff I was trying to tell her,
but because she read it in a book written by
somebody else, she actually started doing it. So he fell
in love with love and logic. He said, it's the
perfect compliment because you know, here, here's the bottom line.
(04:42):
We need to take care of We need to love that,
that organ that's between our ears, and we need to
teach our kids how to love it and take care
of it because everything stems from that organ, every thought,
every action we take. As you say, Rebecca, it's the
control tower. But he said, you know, love and logic
(05:07):
is the programming part of it. See, the brain cannot
grow and remain healthy if it's not receiving the type
of input that stimulates healthy neurological development. That's where the
love and logic comes in. You know, it really comes
in there. And that's why the two of us teamed up.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
I love that it's almost like the original AI. You know,
they say AI is only as good as the data
you put into it. Well, like you said, it's the
same thing for our brains, not only from a physical
standpoint with the chemicals and the food and the you
know whatever, but the environment, like you said, with the
(05:51):
way we're treated and the things that we go through.
I think the fifty dollars question right now is have
you allowed doctor Amon to scan your brain?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
We're getting to that, you know, I've joked with him,
I'd say, you know, my hope is that you'll find
something that you'll you'll look in there and you will
see But yeah, you know that that has not happened yet,
but we are. We're planning on making that out.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Okay, So why don't we talk a little bit about
your book. I got a copy of it and I'm
excited to share it with my children who have my
grandchildren and the hopes that they will, you know, learn
what they need to and parent more effectively. But for
people who haven't had chance to get their hands on
(06:42):
it yet, can you give us an overview of what
it's about and give us a few of the highlights.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Well, it's very practical. We actually give people the words
to use with their kids, the actions to take. So
the first half of the book roughly is talking about
Daniel doctor Aman's work on brain scans and the physical
aspects of keeping the brain healthy and helping our kids'
(07:12):
brains develop. Within that, intertwined within that is the love
and logic approach. That's the practical parenting. It's how we
set limits, the words we use, the type of limits
we set. This whole idea of why it's so important
for us to allow our kids to make plenty of
(07:33):
small mistakes when they're young, so that they have a
good understanding of cause and effect by the time the
big challenges come on. Right, We talk a lot about relationships.
We talk a lot about the science of control and
how to avoid power struggles. Lots and lots about the
(07:55):
power of empathy and the fact that loving our kids
and being empathetic with them does not mean being permissive.
That's very right for people to understand. Right then, the
second half of the book is about common issues. We
just go issue from issue, sibling rivalry, your potty training, technology,
(08:21):
dating our kids, you know, teenagers, that whole issue sports,
even a wide array of the typical challenges that families
face with little kids raging up to adult children who
are acting like toddlers.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Yeah, definitely, definitely. I love that. I love that you
talk about the words that we choose because obviously in
journalism that is a very important thing, but it's crucially
important when raising your kids too. I mean, you know,
if you tell somebody they're a bad kid, that's different
(09:03):
than you made a bad choice, And just the slight
change in words can make a big difference in that
child's perception of what you think of them and what
they should think about themselves. Isn't that correct?
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Well, that's huge, And the words and actions we take
will make a dramatic difference with respect to whether our
kids will choose to follow our core values or ones
that are very different the outside world their peers provide
(09:40):
for them. Now we ask ourselves which values do we
want them to live by? Of course the ones we love, right,
And so a huge question that people ask is how
do I up the odds that my kids will bond
with me and therefore bond with my my values. Okay,
(10:02):
because because it's it's not about right imposing values on
our kids, is about them viewing us with such great
love and admiration, admiration that they choose our values willingly
that that's the whole goal, right.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Setting the example, Well.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
For example, you know a lot of parents are reluctant
to set limits with their kids because they're afraid of rebellion. Okay,
And the whole paradox, the craziness of that whole thing
I say it's crazy because it's such a paradox, is
(10:41):
that when we don't set limits with our kids, we
pretty much guarantee that they're not going to adopt their values.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Right.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
See, kids only bond with adults who are firm and
caring at the same time. I often use these words
powerful and caring at the same time. And so in
the book we talk a lot about those two constructs love,
right and power at the same time. Now, the love
(11:13):
part has to do with us focusing mostly on their
strengths rather than their weaknesses. That's something parents, you can
remind yourself to do. It's so tempting for us to
focus on what our kids are doing wrong or their
weaknesses and spend most of our time trying to correct
(11:33):
them in those weakness areas. And quite frankly, that doesn't
work in a marriage either, right. Right, nobody is inspired
or motivated by somebody who is a constant critic. Right,
And so what we really want to do is put
most of our energy into focusing on what our kids
(11:55):
do well, those gifts that they have carried with them
from the time of conception. And you know, I've known
a lot of parents who finally had to say to
their kid, I'm sorry. You know, I've been spending all
of my time focusing on trying to make sure that
(12:16):
you get better at some things that maybe aren't the
easiest for you. And what would happen, my dear son
or daughter if you spent most of your energy focusing
on what you did well. You've you've figured out what
you were truly good at, and you put most of
(12:37):
your energy into that. You developed a career around that.
What what would your life be like?
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Pretty pretty fortunate, wouldn't it.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Oh Yeah?
Speaker 2 (12:47):
And that's that's a huge piece here. So the relationship
requires time, It requires focusing on what is good about
that other person. It involves noticing the little details of
their life. See one thing we teach in the book,
I call it the one sentence intervention, is where we
(13:09):
go to the kid and we just use one sentence.
We whisper from time to time, and whisper that's important.
We whisper, I noticed and we just noticed something that
they're into it at the time. I notice that you're
really into drawing, or I notice that you really like
working on your car, or I notice that you like horses,
(13:29):
or I notice that you enjoy such and such kind
of music. But you notice these little things and you
just let the kid notice that you've noticed.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Now, let's think.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
About this, Rebecca. Do all human beings have a strong
need to be noticed?
Speaker 1 (13:47):
Oh? Yeah, completely, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
All we have to say is, you know, TikTok or
Facebook or one of those things, right, and we see
what people are willing to do to get noticed, and
please see me, Please see me that that's a heartfelt
message or urge, a desire, a need that people have.
(14:12):
Please see me, notice.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
Me, yes, and accept me where I am?
Speaker 2 (14:18):
You know, yeah, yeah, you know. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
I was a tomboy growing up and my mother was
a hippie, so she did it quite well, but she
kind of hated it. And all of my friends that
I played with her boys, all of my toys that
I wanted to buy were you know, guy toys at
the time. Of course, this was the seventies, mid seventies
(14:43):
and eighties, and she let me do it, you know,
which is great because today's day and age. You know,
sometimes we get everything a little confused. Instead of just
letting kids be kids and letting them decide things later,
we kind of try to force some adult things on them,
I think. But I just you know, I was into cars.
(15:06):
I still am. I'm in my mid to late forties
and I'm still into cars. I preferred blue jeans over dresses.
I still do. I'm not a makeup and hair girl.
I'm experimented with it, so I'm a little in my forties,
but I'm still not that girl, you know what I'm saying.
But I still feel like I'm accepted as me. I'm
(15:29):
me and I am the woman that I am because
my parents saw me and allowed me to be me
whatever that meant. And like you said, they gave me
enough attention. But I also want to talk about like
you said earlier, they also let me make mistakes. And
I think that the environment the kids are growing up
(15:50):
in today. I played out in the woods by myself,
you know, I'm saying, or with neighbors for hours and
hours and hours. Nowadays we can't do that. And the
tendency is when you see something your child's about to
do something dangerous, you stop them you know, we step
in because that's our knee jerk reaction to protect them.
(16:10):
But really they kind of need to do those things,
don't they.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Oh my goodness, they need to. That's part of being humans,
part of being free. You know, it's to see Patrick Henry,
give me liberty or give me death. I mean, it's
such a strong need. And never before have parents been
more unsure and anxious about parenting. And yeah, we need
(16:40):
to be wise, We need to step in when there's
obviously dangerous situations. But boy, they need to have the
freedom to experiment with a lot of things, make a
lot of affordable mistakes. You know. They need to have
the freedom of to not study for a test uh
(17:04):
in the fifth grade. They need they need the freedom
to not be nagged to remember their baseball glove and
end up at the baseball field without their glove. They
they need the freedom to not do their chores and
have us have some consequences because they haven't done their chores. See,
(17:24):
we nag so much, we micromanage so much, not all
of us, but many of us, that our kids never
feel like they're capable of making decisions and living with
the consequences. And that leads to a lot of depression
and anxiety later on.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Right, And I think you hit the nail on the
head two therewith paying the consequences. If you forget your
instrument when you're you know, headed off to school, I
may or may not bring it to you. You know,
you're gonna have to see what it feels like to
not be rescued and and feel what that's like sometimes
for it to be something where you will remember next time.
(18:04):
If I'm constantly coming up there and rescuing you and
bailing you out, then you're not going to learn that
lesson in that.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Correct The research is very clear. I just looked at
a meta analysis that was published I think a couple
of years ago that it was on the effects of
helicopter parenting, and the bottom line is helicopter parents, you know,
the ones that rescue, they hover over their kids like
helicopters go on search and rescue missions. Those parents dramatically
(18:35):
increase the odds that their kids will become teenagers and
young adults who struggle with serious anxiety and depression.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Yeah, I agree with that. I think we're seeing that
actually play out in some parts of our society now,
being who you are and doing what you do. Are
you a proponent of, you know, maybe regulations or something
(19:07):
like that limiting kids ability to be on social media
until they're mature enough and old enough to handle it,
because we're seeing a lot of negative mental health consequences
from that. What's your recommendation.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
I'm not a big fan of excessive regulation. What I'm
a fan of doing is empowering parents and saying, listen,
don't give away your power. See, we as parents too
often freely give away our power thinking that you know,
I don't want to be mean, or I don't want
(19:46):
to overstep my boundaries, or gosh, you know, there's some
electronic safeguards I can just put on the kid's phone
or computer whatever, and that'll parent for me. And you know,
it's easy to slide down that slope. One of the
reasons I'm not a big fan of broad scale regulations
(20:07):
is that people come to need them, people that will
always need as many rules as are given them. And
I'm a big proponent uh personal responsibility, and people make
the choice to parent their kids rather than having somebody
else do it for them. So, uh, yeah, parents, you
can do this and you're gonna be unpopular with your
(20:31):
kids because you know, if you're a love and logic
style parent, you're you're going to say things like, you know,
I'm not a fan to your kid. I you know,
I love you, but I'm not a fan of kids
having cell phones, uh their own personal cell phones or
devices until they are older teenagers or adults. And you
(20:54):
know that's that's gonna go over like a led Zeppelin. Okay, right, yeah,
but you know you're going to maintain your power and
the kid can use devices, they can borrow devices, but
you know who ultimately owns that right and the parent
can give us and the parent can taketh away. I
(21:16):
mean that that is an important concept and if we
can do that again in a loving way. This is
not about being a jerk.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Yeah, I called it putting my mom hat on, you know, Yeah,
my kids would start irritating me, and I would, I
would as lovingly as possible. You know, No, you need
to stop. I've already told you no. And then they
keep on and keep on it, and I finally look
at them and say, look, I am not gonna like
the results of this anymore than you are, but you
(21:51):
keep pushing and I've already given you my answer. If
you continue to push, I'm gonna have to put my
mom hat on and then I'm gonna be the bad
guy and no matter what, I'm gonna win. So you
need to decide is this really where you want to
take this or do we want to try something else?
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Right? Right exactly? And no means you know, really no
from the parent means that you know, I have a
stronger desire to raise you as an honorable person, to
become that honorable, solid person of character. I have a
stronger desire and awareness of that than my need for
(22:32):
you to.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Like me right now, right, what's your recommendation? I And
I'm not trying to sound judge or anything, but I
have noticed that there are some younger parents who are
so caught up in the mantra of enjoy this the
while they're little, don't you know, cherish every moment. They
(22:56):
have a tendency by focusing on that that it's almost
like they're not allowing their children to progress, you know
what I'm saying, Like they're not raising children to be adults,
They're just raising children to be really overgrown children.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Well, this is a question we have to ask ourselves
all of us have to ask ourselves this question continuously
as we are parenting our kids, in including when they're adults. Okay,
and the question is am I doing what I'm doing
right now solely for their benefit? Or is this more
(23:40):
about my own emotional needs?
Speaker 1 (23:44):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (23:45):
And when we start parenting out of our own needs,
our own needs for affection, our own needs for popularity,
our own needs for acknowledgement of you know, how great
we are. When we start parenting in that way, the
results are not going to be good. So the question
(24:08):
is am I parenting in a way that is truly
loving this other person? And loving other people is about
empowering them to be responsible and independent?
Speaker 1 (24:25):
Right? And I would think you would agree with me.
That starts even when they are as young as toddlers,
you know, giving them this or that choice. You don't
want to overwhelm them with choices, but teaching them how
to make choices, how to live with the consequences of
those choices, even when it's good, a good consequence, you know,
(24:46):
just things like that and chores around the house. It
doesn't have to be anything major, but just something that
gets them to understand that they have equity in the
fact that they live in this house and they need
to help keep it clean.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
All right. Kids need to do chores. A huge part
of the book is about kids contributing to the family
in the form of chores. And I think about it
this way, and if they're not doing chores without reminders
and without pay. Okay, if they're not doing chores without
(25:20):
reminders and without pay, they're not part of the team.
And if they're not part of the team, they're not
bonding with our values.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Right, yeah, exactly. Let me ask you this. I know
you guys talk in the book about the mind versus
the brain, and I understand what you mean by that
one being the physical one being the you know, unseen
and you can't touch. Do you think that going forward,
(25:48):
brain scans in particular would be something that should be
added to the yearly checkup for children.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Oh, I think it'd be wonderful if if physicians could
could peek inside and take a look. I think there's
a lot of sadness that could be prevented. You know,
that's there's a lot of challenges that behavioral challenges that
(26:16):
come out of brain injuries, and when those can be
diagnosed early on, and then they can be addressed early on,
and so that that's very helpful. Yes, I love that.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
We're almost at the end of our time. We just
have like two more minutes. I wanted to ask you
this question this way. I'm just really enthusiastic about your book.
But you wrote it and you're the expert along with
doctor Amen. Is there anything the audience needs to know
that I just don't know to ask you about.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Well, I think what they need to know. And this
is a reminder those of you are listening. You can
do this, okay. And we talk a lot about the
neuro science, we talk a lot about the psychology, but
we write this book in a way where you don't
have to be worried about not being a neuroscientist. You
(27:14):
don't have to worry about not having a PhD in
clinical psychology. You can go, you can you can enjoy
your kids, and you can raise really great kids. And
and and lastly, okay, here's what I like. You're you
(27:35):
can make mistakes.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Yeah, because you're going to Oh my goodness, I make
them lots of times.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
And you know you don't have to be perfect. Your
kids are watching you when you make mistakes, and you know,
from time to time. We just have to admit it
to our kids. You know, yesterday I blew it. You know,
that isn't what I believe in. That isn't consistent with
my values. And I'm sorry. And then you don't lay
(28:08):
yourself down as a doormat. But you realize that when
you make mistakes and handle it well, it teaches your
kids how to handle their mistakes well.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
And it teaches them forgiveness, which is also something important
for their future mental health. That's right, that's awesome. I
love it so much. So why don't you tell us
where we can find your book?
Speaker 2 (28:33):
Well, anywhere you like to buy books. It's all over
the place, right anywhere anywhere quality books are sold, as
they say. But you can learn more about doctor Daniel
Aiming by going to Danielaman dot com. Just google his name.
You get all sorts of great information about him, the
(28:55):
Love and Logic Institute. You can find out about us
at Love and Lodge.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Okay, in the name of the book one more time,
just for people who may have forgotten.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
Oh it's got a long subtitle, but just remember this,
raising mentally strong kids. Daniel Aman, m D. Charles Vay
PhD awesome.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
That is great. Thank you so so much for your
time today and for everything that you're doing to help
future generations. I really appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
Thank you, Rebecca.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
I hope you've enjoyed today's show. Thanks for tuning into
the show on your favorite local radio station. You can
now listen to this show or past shows through the
iheartapp or on iHeart dot com. Just search for Virginia
Focus under podcasts. I'm Rebecca Hughes with the Virginia News Network,
and I'll be here next week on Virginia Focus.
Welcome to Virginia Focus. I'm Rebecca Hughes of the Virginia
News Network. If you are a parent, you are likely
hoping to raise your kids to develop strong and resilient
brains so that they can live happy and productive lives.
A new book written by child psychologist doctor Charles Fay
and neuropsychiatrist doctor Daniel Aman gives practical, easy to understand
(00:27):
advice that encompasses your child's brain and their mind to
help them become adults who can successfully navigate life on
their own. Let's hear more about the book, Raising Mentally
Strong Kids, How to combine the power of neuroscience with
love and logic to grow confident, kind, responsible and resilient
children and young adults with doctor Charles Faye. Thank you
(00:48):
for joining us on the show today. I am so
excited about learning more about your research and hearing about
this book.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Thank you so much. It's such a blessing to be
with you.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
So let's start by talking about your expertise. Why don't
you give us a thirty thousand foot view of your
career and what you have experienced in that time.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Well, first of all, I'm a parent of three boys,
two of them are adults, and we had a later
in life, surprise, wonderful child and he's seventeen. So I'm
living the parenting thing. I know, how humbling, how challenging
it is. I also have studied a parent's families, schools,
(01:39):
other organizations that serve children for over thirty years, traveled
around the world speaking to group, sharing practical strategies, worked
with individual clients in psychotherapy and consulting, and written a
number of books and produced a number of other resources,
(02:01):
and so lots of personal experience that's humbled to me tremendously.
But also been in the trenches with families for a
long time.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Yeah, that sounds awesome. I know when it comes to
psychology in particular, that field of study is far behind
the rest of studying the body, and I don't I'm
always fascinated at why that is, because our brain is like,
you know, the control tower, and yet it's one of
(02:31):
the last organs we've really started delving in and studying,
probably because it's so complex. But you've seen a lot
of changes in the way we think about stuff like
that throughout the years. Why don't you talk a little
bit about that and what you've seen recently.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Well, the strategies for studying the organ the brain just
rooves so dramatically. And my my co author and friend,
doctor Daniel aman Is, he is really a genius when
it comes to this and done so many brain scans,
a huge uh catalog of data looking at the brain
(03:16):
and seeing how they're are identifiable differences that are that
are correlated with with different challenges people face. And and
he is quick to say that, you know, he he
learned early on that uh, you know, psychiatrists are just
(03:37):
we're just shooting in the in the dark. You know,
they weren't looking at how the brain functioned. They weren't
looking at actual objective data. Uh. And he was I
think one of the very first to really say, hey,
we need to we need to be able to look
at the brain. You know. He came to me a
(03:59):
few years ago go and and he'll he'll share this
story if you ask him. But he said, you know,
I was I was struggling with with one of my
own kids and uh and trying to work with my
wife on how to parent this this wonderful child. And
my wife became obsessed with this stuff called love and logic,
(04:19):
and I thought, what is that, and and she started
using and I and Daniel will say doctor Amon will say, hey,
it was exactly the stuff I was trying to tell her,
but because she read it in a book written by
somebody else, she actually started doing it. So he fell
in love with love and logic. He said, it's the
perfect compliment because you know, here, here's the bottom line.
(04:42):
We need to take care of We need to love that,
that organ that's between our ears, and we need to
teach our kids how to love it and take care
of it because everything stems from that organ, every thought,
every action we take. As you say, Rebecca, it's the
control tower. But he said, you know, love and logic
(05:07):
is the programming part of it. See, the brain cannot
grow and remain healthy if it's not receiving the type
of input that stimulates healthy neurological development. That's where the
love and logic comes in. You know, it really comes
in there. And that's why the two of us teamed up.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
I love that it's almost like the original AI. You know,
they say AI is only as good as the data
you put into it. Well, like you said, it's the
same thing for our brains, not only from a physical
standpoint with the chemicals and the food and the you
know whatever, but the environment, like you said, with the
(05:51):
way we're treated and the things that we go through.
I think the fifty dollars question right now is have
you allowed doctor Amon to scan your brain?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
We're getting to that, you know, I've joked with him,
I'd say, you know, my hope is that you'll find
something that you'll you'll look in there and you will
see But yeah, you know that that has not happened yet,
but we are. We're planning on making that out.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
Okay, So why don't we talk a little bit about
your book. I got a copy of it and I'm
excited to share it with my children who have my
grandchildren and the hopes that they will, you know, learn
what they need to and parent more effectively. But for
people who haven't had chance to get their hands on
(06:42):
it yet, can you give us an overview of what
it's about and give us a few of the highlights.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
Well, it's very practical. We actually give people the words
to use with their kids, the actions to take. So
the first half of the book roughly is talking about
Daniel doctor Aman's work on brain scans and the physical
aspects of keeping the brain healthy and helping our kids'
(07:12):
brains develop. Within that, intertwined within that is the love
and logic approach. That's the practical parenting. It's how we
set limits, the words we use, the type of limits
we set. This whole idea of why it's so important
for us to allow our kids to make plenty of
(07:33):
small mistakes when they're young, so that they have a
good understanding of cause and effect by the time the
big challenges come on. Right, We talk a lot about relationships.
We talk a lot about the science of control and
how to avoid power struggles. Lots and lots about the
(07:55):
power of empathy and the fact that loving our kids
and being empathetic with them does not mean being permissive.
That's very right for people to understand. Right then, the
second half of the book is about common issues. We
just go issue from issue, sibling rivalry, your potty training, technology,
(08:21):
dating our kids, you know, teenagers, that whole issue sports,
even a wide array of the typical challenges that families
face with little kids raging up to adult children who
are acting like toddlers.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Yeah, definitely, definitely. I love that. I love that you
talk about the words that we choose because obviously in
journalism that is a very important thing, but it's crucially
important when raising your kids too. I mean, you know,
if you tell somebody they're a bad kid, that's different
(09:03):
than you made a bad choice, And just the slight
change in words can make a big difference in that
child's perception of what you think of them and what
they should think about themselves. Isn't that correct?
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Well, that's huge, And the words and actions we take
will make a dramatic difference with respect to whether our
kids will choose to follow our core values or ones
that are very different the outside world their peers provide
(09:40):
for them. Now we ask ourselves which values do we
want them to live by? Of course the ones we love, right,
And so a huge question that people ask is how
do I up the odds that my kids will bond
with me and therefore bond with my my values. Okay,
(10:02):
because because it's it's not about right imposing values on
our kids, is about them viewing us with such great
love and admiration, admiration that they choose our values willingly
that that's the whole goal, right.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Setting the example, Well.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
For example, you know a lot of parents are reluctant
to set limits with their kids because they're afraid of rebellion. Okay,
And the whole paradox, the craziness of that whole thing
I say it's crazy because it's such a paradox, is
(10:41):
that when we don't set limits with our kids, we
pretty much guarantee that they're not going to adopt their values.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Right.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
See, kids only bond with adults who are firm and
caring at the same time. I often use these words
powerful and caring at the same time. And so in
the book we talk a lot about those two constructs love,
right and power at the same time. Now, the love
(11:13):
part has to do with us focusing mostly on their
strengths rather than their weaknesses. That's something parents, you can
remind yourself to do. It's so tempting for us to
focus on what our kids are doing wrong or their
weaknesses and spend most of our time trying to correct
(11:33):
them in those weakness areas. And quite frankly, that doesn't
work in a marriage either, right. Right, nobody is inspired
or motivated by somebody who is a constant critic. Right,
And so what we really want to do is put
most of our energy into focusing on what our kids
(11:55):
do well, those gifts that they have carried with them
from the time of conception. And you know, I've known
a lot of parents who finally had to say to
their kid, I'm sorry. You know, I've been spending all
of my time focusing on trying to make sure that
(12:16):
you get better at some things that maybe aren't the
easiest for you. And what would happen, my dear son
or daughter if you spent most of your energy focusing
on what you did well. You've you've figured out what
you were truly good at, and you put most of
(12:37):
your energy into that. You developed a career around that.
What what would your life be like?
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Pretty pretty fortunate, wouldn't it.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Oh Yeah?
Speaker 2 (12:47):
And that's that's a huge piece here. So the relationship
requires time, It requires focusing on what is good about
that other person. It involves noticing the little details of
their life. See one thing we teach in the book,
I call it the one sentence intervention, is where we
(13:09):
go to the kid and we just use one sentence.
We whisper from time to time, and whisper that's important.
We whisper, I noticed and we just noticed something that
they're into it at the time. I notice that you're
really into drawing, or I notice that you really like
working on your car, or I notice that you like horses,
(13:29):
or I notice that you enjoy such and such kind
of music. But you notice these little things and you
just let the kid notice that you've noticed.
Speaker 1 (13:39):
Now, let's think.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
About this, Rebecca. Do all human beings have a strong
need to be noticed?
Speaker 1 (13:47):
Oh? Yeah, completely, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
All we have to say is, you know, TikTok or
Facebook or one of those things, right, and we see
what people are willing to do to get noticed, and
please see me, Please see me that that's a heartfelt
message or urge, a desire, a need that people have.
(14:12):
Please see me, notice.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
Me, yes, and accept me where I am?
Speaker 2 (14:18):
You know, yeah, yeah, you know. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
I was a tomboy growing up and my mother was
a hippie, so she did it quite well, but she
kind of hated it. And all of my friends that
I played with her boys, all of my toys that
I wanted to buy were you know, guy toys at
the time. Of course, this was the seventies, mid seventies
(14:43):
and eighties, and she let me do it, you know,
which is great because today's day and age. You know,
sometimes we get everything a little confused. Instead of just
letting kids be kids and letting them decide things later,
we kind of try to force some adult things on them,
I think. But I just you know, I was into cars.
(15:06):
I still am. I'm in my mid to late forties
and I'm still into cars. I preferred blue jeans over dresses.
I still do. I'm not a makeup and hair girl.
I'm experimented with it, so I'm a little in my forties,
but I'm still not that girl, you know what I'm saying.
But I still feel like I'm accepted as me. I'm
(15:29):
me and I am the woman that I am because
my parents saw me and allowed me to be me
whatever that meant. And like you said, they gave me
enough attention. But I also want to talk about like
you said earlier, they also let me make mistakes. And
I think that the environment the kids are growing up
(15:50):
in today. I played out in the woods by myself,
you know, I'm saying, or with neighbors for hours and
hours and hours. Nowadays we can't do that. And the
tendency is when you see something your child's about to
do something dangerous, you stop them you know, we step
in because that's our knee jerk reaction to protect them.
(16:10):
But really they kind of need to do those things,
don't they.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Oh my goodness, they need to. That's part of being humans,
part of being free. You know, it's to see Patrick Henry,
give me liberty or give me death. I mean, it's
such a strong need. And never before have parents been
more unsure and anxious about parenting. And yeah, we need
(16:40):
to be wise, We need to step in when there's
obviously dangerous situations. But boy, they need to have the
freedom to experiment with a lot of things, make a
lot of affordable mistakes. You know. They need to have
the freedom of to not study for a test uh
(17:04):
in the fifth grade. They need they need the freedom
to not be nagged to remember their baseball glove and
end up at the baseball field without their glove. They
they need the freedom to not do their chores and
have us have some consequences because they haven't done their chores. See,
(17:24):
we nag so much, we micromanage so much, not all
of us, but many of us, that our kids never
feel like they're capable of making decisions and living with
the consequences. And that leads to a lot of depression
and anxiety later on.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Right, And I think you hit the nail on the
head two therewith paying the consequences. If you forget your
instrument when you're you know, headed off to school, I
may or may not bring it to you. You know,
you're gonna have to see what it feels like to
not be rescued and and feel what that's like sometimes
for it to be something where you will remember next time.
(18:04):
If I'm constantly coming up there and rescuing you and
bailing you out, then you're not going to learn that
lesson in that.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Correct The research is very clear. I just looked at
a meta analysis that was published I think a couple
of years ago that it was on the effects of
helicopter parenting, and the bottom line is helicopter parents, you know,
the ones that rescue, they hover over their kids like
helicopters go on search and rescue missions. Those parents dramatically
(18:35):
increase the odds that their kids will become teenagers and
young adults who struggle with serious anxiety and depression.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Yeah, I agree with that. I think we're seeing that
actually play out in some parts of our society now,
being who you are and doing what you do. Are
you a proponent of, you know, maybe regulations or something
(19:07):
like that limiting kids ability to be on social media
until they're mature enough and old enough to handle it,
because we're seeing a lot of negative mental health consequences
from that. What's your recommendation.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
I'm not a big fan of excessive regulation. What I'm
a fan of doing is empowering parents and saying, listen,
don't give away your power. See, we as parents too
often freely give away our power thinking that you know,
I don't want to be mean, or I don't want
(19:46):
to overstep my boundaries, or gosh, you know, there's some
electronic safeguards I can just put on the kid's phone
or computer whatever, and that'll parent for me. And you know,
it's easy to slide down that slope. One of the
reasons I'm not a big fan of broad scale regulations
(20:07):
is that people come to need them, people that will
always need as many rules as are given them. And
I'm a big proponent uh personal responsibility, and people make
the choice to parent their kids rather than having somebody
else do it for them. So, uh, yeah, parents, you
can do this and you're gonna be unpopular with your
(20:31):
kids because you know, if you're a love and logic
style parent, you're you're going to say things like, you know,
I'm not a fan to your kid. I you know,
I love you, but I'm not a fan of kids
having cell phones, uh their own personal cell phones or
devices until they are older teenagers or adults. And you
(20:54):
know that's that's gonna go over like a led Zeppelin. Okay, right, yeah,
but you know you're going to maintain your power and
the kid can use devices, they can borrow devices, but
you know who ultimately owns that right and the parent
can give us and the parent can taketh away. I
(21:16):
mean that that is an important concept and if we
can do that again in a loving way. This is
not about being a jerk.
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Yeah, I called it putting my mom hat on, you know, Yeah,
my kids would start irritating me, and I would, I
would as lovingly as possible. You know, No, you need
to stop. I've already told you no. And then they
keep on and keep on it, and I finally look
at them and say, look, I am not gonna like
the results of this anymore than you are, but you
(21:51):
keep pushing and I've already given you my answer. If
you continue to push, I'm gonna have to put my
mom hat on and then I'm gonna be the bad
guy and no matter what, I'm gonna win. So you
need to decide is this really where you want to
take this or do we want to try something else?
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Right? Right exactly? And no means you know, really no
from the parent means that you know, I have a
stronger desire to raise you as an honorable person, to
become that honorable, solid person of character. I have a
stronger desire and awareness of that than my need for
(22:32):
you to.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Like me right now, right, what's your recommendation? I And
I'm not trying to sound judge or anything, but I
have noticed that there are some younger parents who are
so caught up in the mantra of enjoy this the
while they're little, don't you know, cherish every moment. They
(22:56):
have a tendency by focusing on that that it's almost
like they're not allowing their children to progress, you know
what I'm saying, Like they're not raising children to be adults,
They're just raising children to be really overgrown children.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Well, this is a question we have to ask ourselves
all of us have to ask ourselves this question continuously
as we are parenting our kids, in including when they're adults. Okay,
and the question is am I doing what I'm doing
right now solely for their benefit? Or is this more
(23:40):
about my own emotional needs?
Speaker 1 (23:44):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (23:45):
And when we start parenting out of our own needs,
our own needs for affection, our own needs for popularity,
our own needs for acknowledgement of you know, how great
we are. When we start parenting in that way, the
results are not going to be good. So the question
(24:08):
is am I parenting in a way that is truly
loving this other person? And loving other people is about
empowering them to be responsible and independent?
Speaker 1 (24:25):
Right? And I would think you would agree with me.
That starts even when they are as young as toddlers,
you know, giving them this or that choice. You don't
want to overwhelm them with choices, but teaching them how
to make choices, how to live with the consequences of
those choices, even when it's good, a good consequence, you know,
(24:46):
just things like that and chores around the house. It
doesn't have to be anything major, but just something that
gets them to understand that they have equity in the
fact that they live in this house and they need
to help keep it clean.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
All right. Kids need to do chores. A huge part
of the book is about kids contributing to the family
in the form of chores. And I think about it
this way, and if they're not doing chores without reminders
and without pay. Okay, if they're not doing chores without
(25:20):
reminders and without pay, they're not part of the team.
And if they're not part of the team, they're not
bonding with our values.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Right, yeah, exactly. Let me ask you this. I know
you guys talk in the book about the mind versus
the brain, and I understand what you mean by that
one being the physical one being the you know, unseen
and you can't touch. Do you think that going forward,
(25:48):
brain scans in particular would be something that should be
added to the yearly checkup for children.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Oh, I think it'd be wonderful if if physicians could
could peek inside and take a look. I think there's
a lot of sadness that could be prevented. You know,
that's there's a lot of challenges that behavioral challenges that
(26:16):
come out of brain injuries, and when those can be
diagnosed early on, and then they can be addressed early on,
and so that that's very helpful. Yes, I love that.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
We're almost at the end of our time. We just
have like two more minutes. I wanted to ask you
this question this way. I'm just really enthusiastic about your book.
But you wrote it and you're the expert along with
doctor Amen. Is there anything the audience needs to know
that I just don't know to ask you about.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Well, I think what they need to know. And this
is a reminder those of you are listening. You can
do this, okay. And we talk a lot about the
neuro science, we talk a lot about the psychology, but
we write this book in a way where you don't
have to be worried about not being a neuroscientist. You
(27:14):
don't have to worry about not having a PhD in
clinical psychology. You can go, you can you can enjoy
your kids, and you can raise really great kids. And
and and lastly, okay, here's what I like. You're you
(27:35):
can make mistakes.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Yeah, because you're going to Oh my goodness, I make
them lots of times.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
And you know you don't have to be perfect. Your
kids are watching you when you make mistakes, and you know,
from time to time. We just have to admit it
to our kids. You know, yesterday I blew it. You know,
that isn't what I believe in. That isn't consistent with
my values. And I'm sorry. And then you don't lay
(28:08):
yourself down as a doormat. But you realize that when
you make mistakes and handle it well, it teaches your
kids how to handle their mistakes well.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
And it teaches them forgiveness, which is also something important
for their future mental health. That's right, that's awesome. I
love it so much. So why don't you tell us
where we can find your book?
Speaker 2 (28:33):
Well, anywhere you like to buy books. It's all over
the place, right anywhere anywhere quality books are sold, as
they say. But you can learn more about doctor Daniel
Aiming by going to Danielaman dot com. Just google his name.
You get all sorts of great information about him, the
(28:55):
Love and Logic Institute. You can find out about us
at Love and Lodge.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Okay, in the name of the book one more time,
just for people who may have forgotten.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
Oh it's got a long subtitle, but just remember this,
raising mentally strong kids. Daniel Aman, m D. Charles Vay
PhD awesome.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
That is great. Thank you so so much for your
time today and for everything that you're doing to help
future generations. I really appreciate it.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
Thank you, Rebecca.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
I hope you've enjoyed today's show. Thanks for tuning into
the show on your favorite local radio station. You can
now listen to this show or past shows through the
iheartapp or on iHeart dot com. Just search for Virginia
Focus under podcasts. I'm Rebecca Hughes with the Virginia News Network,
and I'll be here next week on Virginia Focus.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com