August 23, 2023 • 23 mins
Back to School Means Back to Sports! When a woman gets pregnant, someone hands her a copy of “What to Expect When You're Expecting” the guide for understanding how to care for your unborn child. This is the book you’ll need to guide you once your kids start playing sports! Follow this "Woman We Love" on social media: @KirstenJonesCoach
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(00:00):
Welcome to Women We Love. Today, we're joined by Kristen Jones, the
author of Raising Empowered Athletes, ayouth sports parenting guy for raising happy,
brave and resilient kids. Kirston,thanks for being here with us. What
drove you to write this book?So? I grew up in the seventies,
back in the day where all ofus from that generation you played every
(00:21):
sport that was whatever season it was, and you didn't worry about being the
best or playing club, and youdefinitely didn't worry about playing in college.
And then I ended up getting toplay in college. I played Division in
volleyball, and then moved over seasand worked for Nike, found Nike in
Europe and worked for Nike for fifteenyears, and then started having kids in
my own and you know, youget it. You get pregnant and everyone
(00:44):
hands you what to expect when you'reexpecting, and you are so excited because
you were going to be the bestparent ever, and you read every chapter
and you're like, oh, it'sAlima bean, Oh I'm doing exactly what
I need to be doing, Andso parenting is like I've got this right.
And then flash forward five years andyou're standing on the sidelines a kick
and chase and you look down thesideline and the parents like you're not really
(01:07):
going to do this Rex thing?Are you? Like? This is We're
going to Sweden this summer like thekids, you know, we got a
we got a coach, we gotI mean, all of a sudden,
the foamos sets in of am Idoing this wrong? Like what am I
missing out on? And even thoughI'd been a Division one athlete, even
though I had worked with the bestathletes in the world, I too found
(01:29):
myself looking for the book, likewhere is there? How do we navigate
this twenty billion dollar industry that's gottenout of control where everybody thinks they're raising
the next Lebron or Serena or Tiger, and in reality most of us aren't.
Well so raising empowered athletes. We'reon with Kristen Jones. You are
(01:52):
speaking our language. Not only isDarline here, she's our producer, co
host. She has a baby asa thirteen year old. Her thirteen year
old just did a ball or playin football over the weekend. He faked,
he did the pump fake and thenhe ran it to score. Oh
so so she is like so manylistening right now that you know we do.
(02:16):
We have these these young individuals whowant them to be the best people
they can be. And then thereit is athletics and there's always that kid
on the team who can run faster, jump higher, you know, be
better he or she, faster,swimmer, whatever. And then you look
at them and you see that theygo kind of without a childhood, some
(02:39):
of them. So how do youfind the balance between raising an empowered athlete
but also keeping them a kid.Yeah, that's a great question. Then
probably the million dollar question that ifI had the answer for you always would
be making much much more money.But really, I believe the journey is
(03:00):
if you're raising a five, sixseven year old, win them little,
keep it fun, keep it.I call it the three f and really
for the parents it's the fourth.But focus on fun, friends, and
fundamentals. Find an environment where theycan go out and enjoy the ride.
And the rule is we sign upfor a season and if at the end
(03:20):
of one season of tag football,touch football, you're done, you're done.
But we're going to finish the seasonand we're going to learn what it
means to be a teammate, towin, to lose to play every season.
And the fourth f that I haveis fomo And that's what I was
feeling on the sideline so many yearsago, which is, oh, well
they're doing that and he's getting privatelessons, so we need to go do
(03:40):
that. And the answer is checkin with yourself and with your family and
what are your values. And whilethat might be enticing to be doing what
other families are doing, you needto figure out what kind of childhood do
you want to have. Having justdropped my second one off at college yesterday,
it goes asked, so you onlyhave eighteen summers with them, and
(04:03):
if when they're eight years old orten years old, you'd rather be rafting
the Colorado than spending, you know, the fifteenth weekend in a row at
a soccer tournament in the blazing onehundred and fifteen degree heat that nobody will
remember, you know, then justsay gush. This is a family decision.
I encourage families to sit down andhave a discussion, Hey, what
(04:24):
do we want out of this andwhat do we know? Obviously start with
your partner first, but get thekids involved once they're old enough, Like
you know, and sometimes I hadone my oldest son who was obsessed with
basketball, and he was like,no, no, no, I would
rather be in Vegas. No,no, no, I don't want to
go to Jackson. They want tobe there and teams are fun. Yeah,
(04:44):
and they're having a blast and it'stheir passion. And I want you
to have some childhood memories that areaway from sports too. And again it
goes by so fast that we needwe need to play the parents and not
the best friend all the time justto appease them. And we need to
know what it's important to us sothat we want them to get out of
the right things out of that well. And you've balanced it all. You
(05:05):
balanced being a working executive with raisingthree kids. And now that they are,
you know, they're they're pretty muchgrown. What do you think one
of the biggest lessons that they havelearned from being in youth sports is I
know that each one is a differentindividual, but is there an overarching kind
of theme? Great question, Ithink. And again, now I'm getting
(05:29):
to the end of this cycle oftwo playing in college. You know one
that she's inter senior year of highschool. But what's interesting is, you
know they give you that exercise beishere that exercise, Well, write the
letter from your ninety year old self. What would you what would you write
to yourself about what was important toyou? And of course when you're on
the front end of parenting and youthink, yeah, yeah, I want
to be on that state team,and yeah I want to win the CIF
(05:51):
and yeah I want my kid togo play in college. Yes, we
a lot of us have those aspirations. But when you're able to have a
little bit of perspective and look,ac what do I want them to get
out of it? Grit, resilience, gratitude, an attitude of whow I
get to do this, not Ihave to do this. And I think
(06:11):
a lot of our kids, becausethey're playing thirteen months a year, they
don't get a chance to even enjoyit. They're like, it's a job.
The professionalization of youth sports, itis. And when did this happen?
Now, Kurston I grew Kristen,I grew up. I grew up
playing sports, But I don't Idon't remember it ever being this intense,
(06:33):
this full of a schedule, orthis much pressure. Yeah, it's so
in the seventies. This is kindof how I opened the book. But
This is the context that I thinkhas happened, and it didn't happen overnight.
But in the fifties and sixties,twenty four percent of women worked outside
of the home. You get tothe seventies and eighties and that number doubles,
(06:55):
so you have almost half of thewomen now working out of the home,
which means what we have both parentsout of the house, So you
have latchkey kids. Number two.Late late seventies of this, refindings come
out that you know what, Americankids aren't as smart as we thought they
used to be, so now everybody'sfalling behind academically as well. Oops,
there's a problem. Number Three,you have Adam Walsh gets subducted and it
(07:18):
makes national news and thirty eight millionpeople to turn on their TVs to find
out that it's a really scary placeout there. But you can't just let
your kid go play in the streetanymore. So you have those three things
happening along. Within nineteen eighty one, ESPN comes online. Okay, now
I can watch Sports twenty four seven, and then stories like Tiger Woods pop
(07:42):
up and Andre Agasy popped up,and you know, Todd Moritovitch, you
played at USC and what did thoseall have in common? The ten thousand
hour rule, Right, if Iput ten thousand hours into my kid doing
export, and gosh, I gota little more money since we're both working.
Okay, Dad, maybe I'll jumpin and be the coach. Right.
So I feel like it's the frogin the pot. Like it didn't
(08:03):
happen overnight. And I don't thinkmost people didn't realize, you know,
how this has changed and evolved,but it's become this in the last fifteen
years. You know, more money, the money that's going into this that
you're now seeing at the college levelwith the trans reportal and with nil And
when I heard yesterday, I'm talkingto one of the coaches yesterday and he
(08:24):
said, one kid transferred this yearfor a million dollars in college. Why
yeah, yeah. And another kid, he said, came to the coach
and said, you know, I'mgonna need two hundred thousand dollars to stay
here getting a full ride scholarship,which by the way, is close to
you know, most schools like closeto four hundred thou the worth is about
(08:48):
four hundred thousand dollars. That's nolonger enough, right, If you would
like my talent. I'm now gonnaI'm gonna tell you what it's going to
cost you to keep me. Imean, it's just it's nuts. Chris
and Jones, it is ull.You're an author, speaker of podcast,
You're a life coach, You're ahost raising empowered athletes. I love what
it says. You're raising happy,brave and resilient kids. So Youth Sports
(09:11):
Parenting Guide, you know, it'sfun. It's fun hearing you two because
you've done it. You're a Done athlete. You then worked with Nike.
You know, you're an executive therefor fifteen years, and now you
have three kids, so you've seen, like you were just saying, you've
seen the whole arc, where it'sbeen, where it's going in now,
where it is today. Do youhave any like every day tips for us
(09:33):
that you could give us as parentsas adults for setting goals? Great question,
I think is one of my chaptersis is we over me? Is
understanding what are we deciding? Andwhat is what is your kid deciding?
And checking in with them? Becausewhile Susie may have said she wanted to
(09:58):
play volleyball in college at age eight, now at fifteen, she realizes she's
not that good of a volleyball player. But I see I hear parents a
lot coming to me saying, well, she told me when you know,
when she was eight, that shereally wanted to play a Division one volleyball.
But we have to keep checking inwith our kids. I think some
of the best parenting advice I everheard was have ninety one minute conversations,
(10:18):
not one ninety minute conversation with yourkid. And that means every season,
just like you do with academics andwhether they're interests and as you're helping them
figure out what school they want topursue, what are they still curious about?
And I think the most important thingkids can get out of sport is
the curiosity of, oh, Iam an athlete, and not from a
(10:39):
standpoint of I'm going to play pro, but I'm going to use what we
know are kids that are active upuntil age past age thirteen are much more
likely to be active adults. Soif they stop, and seventy percent of
kids are dropping out of sport byage thirteen altogether, so anxiety depression over
(11:00):
we like that. That's what we'releaving them. A legacy of versus and
you don't have to be competitive.They're surfing, there's rock climbing, there's
cycling. There's a lot of thingsthat don't involve a trophy. Yeah,
and it doesn't have to be aboutthat, but it has to be about
Oh, I see myself as someonewho likes to be fit and wants to
be take care of my body,right, because those are the life skills
(11:22):
that are going to set the toneour habits in the first thirty years project
our success for the next nineties.That's such an excellent important message. I
know that we were always encouraged tofind what is that, you know,
So for me it was swimming.For my brother, it was tennis,
and and my mom and dad usedto joke with us because I'm one of
six, and they would say,wow, we love it. You love
to be on a team because it'skeeping you out of trouble. And so
(11:46):
that's kind of the old fashioned wayof looking at it, right. But
also, you know, your healthybody is a healthy mind. It helps
you sleep at night, it helpsyou eat better because you want to eat
the right things to make your bodyperform. And there's so many things.
I love hearing the real true statson that. Yes, the funny even
though updated version of that, Ellenis, I've had a dad say to
(12:09):
me that that playing a sport,well, youth sports is so expensive that
you days it's cheaper than rehab.You're like, it's true, It's hilarious.
Kristen, I have a question foryou. This is Darlene. So
back to my eighth grader, I'mfinding that I'm hitting this wall right now.
I'm always curious. I would loveto know details, but when I
(12:31):
ask how did it go today,it's always good and that's it. So
I'm feeling kind of stuck and sadbecause I'm not having this close connection that
I used to feel with him beforethat he's gotten into these sports. So
is there like another way you cankind of guide me into opening up his
(12:52):
I don't know, how do Iget him to talk to me about it?
Yeah, such a great question.So that is such a typical whole
situation, right, Ay, Well, you had two things going against you,
and I'm not I'm not big sexist, but gender wise, usually boys
are less communicative. Right. So, but doctor Lisa Demore, she's written
(13:13):
three great, amazing books and andone of her books she talks about what's
happening as they hit those teenage yearsis if we are a swimming pool and
the parents are the walls. Theyare venturing off from the wall and pushing
themselves out into the middle of thepool, not because they don't need us,
but because they want to prove tothemselves that they can do it on
(13:33):
their own. And I love thatanalogy because when you feel like what you're
hearing what I and I know exactlywhat you're saying, because you feel like,
what's wrong with me? What ifyou want to share with me?
You know, like and and reallyit's the opposite. He's trying to say,
Mom, I got this, it'sokay. I don't need your help.
And he's going to come back tothe wall because he's gonna need you
(13:54):
know, he's going to need thesupport. He's not going to deep end
quite yet, but you just beingthere for him. And I guess the
tip that I would give you isthe only six weird words our kids need
to hear us say to them aftera game. Right after a game is
I love to watch you play.I love to watch you're making me cry?
(14:15):
Okay, last question, so howsoon before a game should I be
feeding him and what would you sayis the best meal? Okay, well
let me finish one of first thoughton your last question. So so so
you pin that. Okay, that'sthe only thing I'm going to say on
that day. But the next dayyou're going for a walk. Can we
(14:37):
go walk the dog together? Hey? How do you think it went right?
So now he has time and spaceaway from the event, away from
any stress he feels about it,he says, a moment to reflect.
I find, you know, captiveaudience in MLA. We get to do
that a lot. They're in thecar with you, then they get a
chance to talk to you. Orif it's on a hike where they have
(14:58):
nothing else, I love to kindof dragon. Oh I gotta go watch
the dog. Come on, givethem an opportunity to to just download a
little bit. But after wait,give it time and I think, oh
yeah, go ahead. Yeah thefood, Sorry about that? Yeah?
No, I would say two tothree hours before. At least three hours
before. You don't want to behaving anything more than a light snack and
(15:20):
a lot of hydration. Really,we need to we need to be drinking
a lot more. They need tobe drinking a lot more than they think
they do, and I find thatto be one of the biggest things is
they confuse. They get tired,and because they're sleep schedules, the teenage
brain starts to shift and so theyactually start to actually go into kind of
a wake mode from eleven am elevenPM till one am, So they're getting
(15:45):
sleep deprived and then they're not drinkingwater, so they're dehydrated and that's affecting
how they play too. That issuch a good one. You know,
Darlene's husband is also a coach,so we need to do another book.
Person needs speak dealing with the spouse. Mean well, and that's why I'm
talking to you. Bring him tomy book block. I'm speaking. I'm
(16:07):
speaking in the Palisades on September twentiethat eleven am, So send him,
darling. Where will you be?Where will you be? I'm sure I
have it here somewhere. Yeah,and Caruso Village and the Palisades Village on
Wednesday, September twentieth at eleven am. Well, I think that trip for
us. I'm also working to I'llbe speaking at you know, Loyola,
(16:30):
you know, and I know andEllen and I are both clubs. Yes,
so yeah, beginning, I'll bespeaking all over Los Angeles, you
know, and right now I'm gettingI'm going to speak tomorrow night here in
Buffalo, and next week this weekendin Boston. So I'm going to be
everywhere because I think everybody needs tohear this message. Right Like, there's
so many parents that like you,darling, and who are like I'm just
trying to do the best for mykids and I and we all get to
(16:53):
have things that get in our way. So I have one more question.
You just you know, talking aboutthe husbands and the coach is in the
spouses and all myself, what's thebiggest difference do you find between men and
women with their kids in sports?Right? So, in my opinion and
my experience, I've found that alot of parents men fathers like to almost
have their kid, you know,be better than them so they can live
(17:17):
vicariously or relive their sports days.Is that Is that still a thing?
Is that something you found? Yes? And in general here then I'm going
to make a huge generalization. Butin general, and because we live in
Los Angeles, like, there's alot of pro athletes that are retired,
right So the ones that I knowthat played at the highest levels are the
(17:37):
parents that lean back the furthest andby that I mean they're like, yep,
if it's just thing, he'll figureit out. They're not over the
top of them because they know howhard it is. But those who haven't
played and don't understand but would lovethat vision of my kid being on the
top stage, those are the onesthat generally become the most snowplow, drone,
(18:02):
helicopter and they're like, so overthe top. And I have a
story in the book, a truestory about a dad. I sat on
the sidelines with him. He wasmaybe five eight and his wife maybe five
five. And he's like, nope, I got a trader. And he
says, my son, who's fiveto seven right now, is going to
go to the NBA and heed's afreshman and he's fourteen years old. And
you're like, and that guy needsto eat. So he's going to be
(18:22):
happy that you pay him one hundredand fifty dollars an hour to coach his
son. He's going to tell youwhatever you think, you know, you
think he wants to hear, right, So there's this delusion around, Well,
I've had this one guy tell methat my kids this level versus you
know, you look around and outon that basketball court. If you're not
six five like you're playing at thenext level unless you're Steph Curry. There
(18:45):
are anomalies, but there are veryfew that are going to play at that,
you know, at the pro level, much less even the college level.
You know, pre COVID, lessthan seven percent would play D one,
D two, D three. Nowafter COVID because of the transfer port,
it's just gotten so impacted. Youknow, I would say, do
you want it's probably closer to twoor three percent that will make it to
(19:07):
play out of college to play collegewoman. So what you're going for is
what are the life lessons that we'regetting? What what does this make you
think about? How do you focuson again teamwork and leadership and winning and
losing and parents get out of theirway, you know, And as hard
as that is, Ryan to yourquestion, yes, you know, I's
(19:30):
see both. I see women thatare also you know, yelling at the
rafts and yelling at the other parentsand yelling at you know, like it's
it's ugly on both sides. Youknow. I have a story in the
book a guy paid for a bannerto be flown over his son's baseball field,
right fire coach, No true,Oh man, that's all of us
(19:55):
as bad as my husband was runningalong the sidelines when my son was running
back in Pop Warner and the coachcalled something and through a flag or the
ref, and my husband was,actually, uh, what do you call
it? He was dcute or hewas they kicked him out of the game.
They kicked him out of the game. Going in the car, sir,
(20:18):
get out. And my first myhusband thought he was calling on the
coach because they're both yelling at theref, and the ref said, I'm
not talking to the coach, I'mtalking to you. Yeah. Well,
and ps, the team wasn't losing. They were, in fact seventeen and
one. Ps. Everybody actually likesthe coaches. Yeah, he just his
(20:38):
son wasn't getting enough playing time,So he's going to spend fifteen hundred dollars
on a banner to fly over thefield. So what message you know,
it's like the college chooting scandal.What message is your kid getting? You're
not enough as you are. Ineed to intervene. And and your value
is attached to my are my valuesattached to yours? Our parenting egos are
(21:02):
so in the way where it's it'shis journey if you are not playing baseball,
and it's not about you. Andso that's what I hope this book
is. You know again, weall do stupid variations of what you're you
know, like that that's you know, but allowing it to persist. And
I have kids who you know,at their senior year banquet are saying the
(21:26):
only thing they remember in the carride home is crying why not I love
to watch you play? But ohthat res or oh why did that coach
not play you? Or you know, there's the parents don't see themselves and
hear themselves and realize you spewing thatto your kid in the car after they
(21:47):
lost or didn't play or had abad game. It's not helpful. Yeah,
and really what a great sort ofeven taking sports away. I think
that's a great message for parents andkids in the dynamic in general, just
with any thing. Yes, andthen that's really if this book really isn't
about raising Again, when I firsttried to get it published, people like,
oh, you want to raise apro athlete? No, no,
(22:08):
no, the opposite, like takeout basketball, put in art, takeout
football put in. You know,we all we want we want to raise
resilient kids. You say, Iam enough, and I am enough because
of who I am and what Ihave to offer. And maybe my future
destiny isn't in sports. But whatI'm going to learn from this, I'm
(22:30):
going to take to my first job. I'm going to take into my relationships.
I'm going to become a better human. I'm going to give back.
I'm going to be kinder because Irealized that I grew from that experience with
a strong, healthy body and astrong healthy mind. We've learned so much
from you already, chrism I mean, we don't want to let you go.
(22:52):
Thank you, coach, Thank you, thank you so much for having
me on. This is a blast. Oh Man Kirsen, thank you.
Yeah, this is great. Iappreciate you.
Welcome to Women We Love. Today, we're joined by Kristen Jones, the
author of Raising Empowered Athletes, ayouth sports parenting guy for raising happy,
brave and resilient kids. Kirston,thanks for being here with us. What
drove you to write this book?So? I grew up in the seventies,
back in the day where all ofus from that generation you played every
(00:21):
sport that was whatever season it was, and you didn't worry about being the
best or playing club, and youdefinitely didn't worry about playing in college.
And then I ended up getting toplay in college. I played Division in
volleyball, and then moved over seasand worked for Nike, found Nike in
Europe and worked for Nike for fifteenyears, and then started having kids in
my own and you know, youget it. You get pregnant and everyone
(00:44):
hands you what to expect when you'reexpecting, and you are so excited because
you were going to be the bestparent ever, and you read every chapter
and you're like, oh, it'sAlima bean, Oh I'm doing exactly what
I need to be doing, Andso parenting is like I've got this right.
And then flash forward five years andyou're standing on the sidelines a kick
and chase and you look down thesideline and the parents like you're not really
(01:07):
going to do this Rex thing?Are you? Like? This is We're
going to Sweden this summer like thekids, you know, we got a
we got a coach, we gotI mean, all of a sudden,
the foamos sets in of am Idoing this wrong? Like what am I
missing out on? And even thoughI'd been a Division one athlete, even
though I had worked with the bestathletes in the world, I too found
(01:29):
myself looking for the book, likewhere is there? How do we navigate
this twenty billion dollar industry that's gottenout of control where everybody thinks they're raising
the next Lebron or Serena or Tiger, and in reality most of us aren't.
Well so raising empowered athletes. We'reon with Kristen Jones. You are
(01:52):
speaking our language. Not only isDarline here, she's our producer, co
host. She has a baby asa thirteen year old. Her thirteen year
old just did a ball or playin football over the weekend. He faked,
he did the pump fake and thenhe ran it to score. Oh
so so she is like so manylistening right now that you know we do.
(02:16):
We have these these young individuals whowant them to be the best people
they can be. And then thereit is athletics and there's always that kid
on the team who can run faster, jump higher, you know, be
better he or she, faster,swimmer, whatever. And then you look
at them and you see that theygo kind of without a childhood, some
(02:39):
of them. So how do youfind the balance between raising an empowered athlete
but also keeping them a kid.Yeah, that's a great question. Then
probably the million dollar question that ifI had the answer for you always would
be making much much more money.But really, I believe the journey is
(03:00):
if you're raising a five, sixseven year old, win them little,
keep it fun, keep it.I call it the three f and really
for the parents it's the fourth.But focus on fun, friends, and
fundamentals. Find an environment where theycan go out and enjoy the ride.
And the rule is we sign upfor a season and if at the end
(03:20):
of one season of tag football,touch football, you're done, you're done.
But we're going to finish the seasonand we're going to learn what it
means to be a teammate, towin, to lose to play every season.
And the fourth f that I haveis fomo And that's what I was
feeling on the sideline so many yearsago, which is, oh, well
they're doing that and he's getting privatelessons, so we need to go do
(03:40):
that. And the answer is checkin with yourself and with your family and
what are your values. And whilethat might be enticing to be doing what
other families are doing, you needto figure out what kind of childhood do
you want to have. Having justdropped my second one off at college yesterday,
it goes asked, so you onlyhave eighteen summers with them, and
(04:03):
if when they're eight years old orten years old, you'd rather be rafting
the Colorado than spending, you know, the fifteenth weekend in a row at
a soccer tournament in the blazing onehundred and fifteen degree heat that nobody will
remember, you know, then justsay gush. This is a family decision.
I encourage families to sit down andhave a discussion, Hey, what
(04:24):
do we want out of this andwhat do we know? Obviously start with
your partner first, but get thekids involved once they're old enough, Like
you know, and sometimes I hadone my oldest son who was obsessed with
basketball, and he was like,no, no, no, I would
rather be in Vegas. No,no, no, I don't want to
go to Jackson. They want tobe there and teams are fun. Yeah,
(04:44):
and they're having a blast and it'stheir passion. And I want you
to have some childhood memories that areaway from sports too. And again it
goes by so fast that we needwe need to play the parents and not
the best friend all the time justto appease them. And we need to
know what it's important to us sothat we want them to get out of
the right things out of that well. And you've balanced it all. You
(05:05):
balanced being a working executive with raisingthree kids. And now that they are,
you know, they're they're pretty muchgrown. What do you think one
of the biggest lessons that they havelearned from being in youth sports is I
know that each one is a differentindividual, but is there an overarching kind
of theme? Great question, Ithink. And again, now I'm getting
(05:29):
to the end of this cycle oftwo playing in college. You know one
that she's inter senior year of highschool. But what's interesting is, you
know they give you that exercise beishere that exercise, Well, write the
letter from your ninety year old self. What would you what would you write
to yourself about what was important toyou? And of course when you're on
the front end of parenting and youthink, yeah, yeah, I want
to be on that state team,and yeah I want to win the CIF
(05:51):
and yeah I want my kid togo play in college. Yes, we
a lot of us have those aspirations. But when you're able to have a
little bit of perspective and look,ac what do I want them to get
out of it? Grit, resilience, gratitude, an attitude of whow I
get to do this, not Ihave to do this. And I think
(06:11):
a lot of our kids, becausethey're playing thirteen months a year, they
don't get a chance to even enjoyit. They're like, it's a job.
The professionalization of youth sports, itis. And when did this happen?
Now, Kurston I grew Kristen,I grew up. I grew up
playing sports, But I don't Idon't remember it ever being this intense,
(06:33):
this full of a schedule, orthis much pressure. Yeah, it's so
in the seventies. This is kindof how I opened the book. But
This is the context that I thinkhas happened, and it didn't happen overnight.
But in the fifties and sixties,twenty four percent of women worked outside
of the home. You get tothe seventies and eighties and that number doubles,
(06:55):
so you have almost half of thewomen now working out of the home,
which means what we have both parentsout of the house, So you
have latchkey kids. Number two.Late late seventies of this, refindings come
out that you know what, Americankids aren't as smart as we thought they
used to be, so now everybody'sfalling behind academically as well. Oops,
there's a problem. Number Three,you have Adam Walsh gets subducted and it
(07:18):
makes national news and thirty eight millionpeople to turn on their TVs to find
out that it's a really scary placeout there. But you can't just let
your kid go play in the streetanymore. So you have those three things
happening along. Within nineteen eighty one, ESPN comes online. Okay, now
I can watch Sports twenty four seven, and then stories like Tiger Woods pop
(07:42):
up and Andre Agasy popped up,and you know, Todd Moritovitch, you
played at USC and what did thoseall have in common? The ten thousand
hour rule, Right, if Iput ten thousand hours into my kid doing
export, and gosh, I gota little more money since we're both working.
Okay, Dad, maybe I'll jumpin and be the coach. Right.
So I feel like it's the frogin the pot. Like it didn't
(08:03):
happen overnight. And I don't thinkmost people didn't realize, you know,
how this has changed and evolved,but it's become this in the last fifteen
years. You know, more money, the money that's going into this that
you're now seeing at the college levelwith the trans reportal and with nil And
when I heard yesterday, I'm talkingto one of the coaches yesterday and he
(08:24):
said, one kid transferred this yearfor a million dollars in college. Why
yeah, yeah. And another kid, he said, came to the coach
and said, you know, I'mgonna need two hundred thousand dollars to stay
here getting a full ride scholarship,which by the way, is close to
you know, most schools like closeto four hundred thou the worth is about
(08:48):
four hundred thousand dollars. That's nolonger enough, right, If you would
like my talent. I'm now gonnaI'm gonna tell you what it's going to
cost you to keep me. Imean, it's just it's nuts. Chris
and Jones, it is ull.You're an author, speaker of podcast,
You're a life coach, You're ahost raising empowered athletes. I love what
it says. You're raising happy,brave and resilient kids. So Youth Sports
(09:11):
Parenting Guide, you know, it'sfun. It's fun hearing you two because
you've done it. You're a Done athlete. You then worked with Nike.
You know, you're an executive therefor fifteen years, and now you
have three kids, so you've seen, like you were just saying, you've
seen the whole arc, where it'sbeen, where it's going in now,
where it is today. Do youhave any like every day tips for us
(09:33):
that you could give us as parentsas adults for setting goals? Great question,
I think is one of my chaptersis is we over me? Is
understanding what are we deciding? Andwhat is what is your kid deciding?
And checking in with them? Becausewhile Susie may have said she wanted to
(09:58):
play volleyball in college at age eight, now at fifteen, she realizes she's
not that good of a volleyball player. But I see I hear parents a
lot coming to me saying, well, she told me when you know,
when she was eight, that shereally wanted to play a Division one volleyball.
But we have to keep checking inwith our kids. I think some
of the best parenting advice I everheard was have ninety one minute conversations,
(10:18):
not one ninety minute conversation with yourkid. And that means every season,
just like you do with academics andwhether they're interests and as you're helping them
figure out what school they want topursue, what are they still curious about?
And I think the most important thingkids can get out of sport is
the curiosity of, oh, Iam an athlete, and not from a
(10:39):
standpoint of I'm going to play pro, but I'm going to use what we
know are kids that are active upuntil age past age thirteen are much more
likely to be active adults. Soif they stop, and seventy percent of
kids are dropping out of sport byage thirteen altogether, so anxiety depression over
(11:00):
we like that. That's what we'releaving them. A legacy of versus and
you don't have to be competitive.They're surfing, there's rock climbing, there's
cycling. There's a lot of thingsthat don't involve a trophy. Yeah,
and it doesn't have to be aboutthat, but it has to be about
Oh, I see myself as someonewho likes to be fit and wants to
be take care of my body,right, because those are the life skills
(11:22):
that are going to set the toneour habits in the first thirty years project
our success for the next nineties.That's such an excellent important message. I
know that we were always encouraged tofind what is that, you know,
So for me it was swimming.For my brother, it was tennis,
and and my mom and dad usedto joke with us because I'm one of
six, and they would say,wow, we love it. You love
to be on a team because it'skeeping you out of trouble. And so
(11:46):
that's kind of the old fashioned wayof looking at it, right. But
also, you know, your healthybody is a healthy mind. It helps
you sleep at night, it helpsyou eat better because you want to eat
the right things to make your bodyperform. And there's so many things.
I love hearing the real true statson that. Yes, the funny even
though updated version of that, Ellenis, I've had a dad say to
(12:09):
me that that playing a sport,well, youth sports is so expensive that
you days it's cheaper than rehab.You're like, it's true, It's hilarious.
Kristen, I have a question foryou. This is Darlene. So
back to my eighth grader, I'mfinding that I'm hitting this wall right now.
I'm always curious. I would loveto know details, but when I
(12:31):
ask how did it go today,it's always good and that's it. So
I'm feeling kind of stuck and sadbecause I'm not having this close connection that
I used to feel with him beforethat he's gotten into these sports. So
is there like another way you cankind of guide me into opening up his
(12:52):
I don't know, how do Iget him to talk to me about it?
Yeah, such a great question.So that is such a typical whole
situation, right, Ay, Well, you had two things going against you,
and I'm not I'm not big sexist, but gender wise, usually boys
are less communicative. Right. So, but doctor Lisa Demore, she's written
(13:13):
three great, amazing books and andone of her books she talks about what's
happening as they hit those teenage yearsis if we are a swimming pool and
the parents are the walls. Theyare venturing off from the wall and pushing
themselves out into the middle of thepool, not because they don't need us,
but because they want to prove tothemselves that they can do it on
(13:33):
their own. And I love thatanalogy because when you feel like what you're
hearing what I and I know exactlywhat you're saying, because you feel like,
what's wrong with me? What ifyou want to share with me?
You know, like and and reallyit's the opposite. He's trying to say,
Mom, I got this, it'sokay. I don't need your help.
And he's going to come back tothe wall because he's gonna need you
(13:54):
know, he's going to need thesupport. He's not going to deep end
quite yet, but you just beingthere for him. And I guess the
tip that I would give you isthe only six weird words our kids need
to hear us say to them aftera game. Right after a game is
I love to watch you play.I love to watch you're making me cry?
(14:15):
Okay, last question, so howsoon before a game should I be
feeding him and what would you sayis the best meal? Okay, well
let me finish one of first thoughton your last question. So so so
you pin that. Okay, that'sthe only thing I'm going to say on
that day. But the next dayyou're going for a walk. Can we
(14:37):
go walk the dog together? Hey? How do you think it went right?
So now he has time and spaceaway from the event, away from
any stress he feels about it,he says, a moment to reflect.
I find, you know, captiveaudience in MLA. We get to do
that a lot. They're in thecar with you, then they get a
chance to talk to you. Orif it's on a hike where they have
(14:58):
nothing else, I love to kindof dragon. Oh I gotta go watch
the dog. Come on, givethem an opportunity to to just download a
little bit. But after wait,give it time and I think, oh
yeah, go ahead. Yeah thefood, Sorry about that? Yeah?
No, I would say two tothree hours before. At least three hours
before. You don't want to behaving anything more than a light snack and
(15:20):
a lot of hydration. Really,we need to we need to be drinking
a lot more. They need tobe drinking a lot more than they think
they do, and I find thatto be one of the biggest things is
they confuse. They get tired,and because they're sleep schedules, the teenage
brain starts to shift and so theyactually start to actually go into kind of
a wake mode from eleven am elevenPM till one am, So they're getting
(15:45):
sleep deprived and then they're not drinkingwater, so they're dehydrated and that's affecting
how they play too. That issuch a good one. You know,
Darlene's husband is also a coach,so we need to do another book.
Person needs speak dealing with the spouse. Mean well, and that's why I'm
talking to you. Bring him tomy book block. I'm speaking. I'm
(16:07):
speaking in the Palisades on September twentiethat eleven am, So send him,
darling. Where will you be?Where will you be? I'm sure I
have it here somewhere. Yeah,and Caruso Village and the Palisades Village on
Wednesday, September twentieth at eleven am. Well, I think that trip for
us. I'm also working to I'llbe speaking at you know, Loyola,
(16:30):
you know, and I know andEllen and I are both clubs. Yes,
so yeah, beginning, I'll bespeaking all over Los Angeles, you
know, and right now I'm gettingI'm going to speak tomorrow night here in
Buffalo, and next week this weekendin Boston. So I'm going to be
everywhere because I think everybody needs tohear this message. Right Like, there's
so many parents that like you,darling, and who are like I'm just
trying to do the best for mykids and I and we all get to
(16:53):
have things that get in our way. So I have one more question.
You just you know, talking aboutthe husbands and the coach is in the
spouses and all myself, what's thebiggest difference do you find between men and
women with their kids in sports?Right? So, in my opinion and
my experience, I've found that alot of parents men fathers like to almost
have their kid, you know,be better than them so they can live
(17:17):
vicariously or relive their sports days.Is that Is that still a thing?
Is that something you found? Yes? And in general here then I'm going
to make a huge generalization. Butin general, and because we live in
Los Angeles, like, there's alot of pro athletes that are retired,
right So the ones that I knowthat played at the highest levels are the
(17:37):
parents that lean back the furthest andby that I mean they're like, yep,
if it's just thing, he'll figureit out. They're not over the
top of them because they know howhard it is. But those who haven't
played and don't understand but would lovethat vision of my kid being on the
top stage, those are the onesthat generally become the most snowplow, drone,
(18:02):
helicopter and they're like, so overthe top. And I have a
story in the book, a truestory about a dad. I sat on
the sidelines with him. He wasmaybe five eight and his wife maybe five
five. And he's like, nope, I got a trader. And he
says, my son, who's fiveto seven right now, is going to
go to the NBA and heed's afreshman and he's fourteen years old. And
you're like, and that guy needsto eat. So he's going to be
(18:22):
happy that you pay him one hundredand fifty dollars an hour to coach his
son. He's going to tell youwhatever you think, you know, you
think he wants to hear, right, So there's this delusion around, Well,
I've had this one guy tell methat my kids this level versus you
know, you look around and outon that basketball court. If you're not
six five like you're playing at thenext level unless you're Steph Curry. There
(18:45):
are anomalies, but there are veryfew that are going to play at that,
you know, at the pro level, much less even the college level.
You know, pre COVID, lessthan seven percent would play D one,
D two, D three. Nowafter COVID because of the transfer port,
it's just gotten so impacted. Youknow, I would say, do
you want it's probably closer to twoor three percent that will make it to
(19:07):
play out of college to play collegewoman. So what you're going for is
what are the life lessons that we'regetting? What what does this make you
think about? How do you focuson again teamwork and leadership and winning and
losing and parents get out of theirway, you know, And as hard
as that is, Ryan to yourquestion, yes, you know, I's
(19:30):
see both. I see women thatare also you know, yelling at the
rafts and yelling at the other parentsand yelling at you know, like it's
it's ugly on both sides. Youknow. I have a story in the
book a guy paid for a bannerto be flown over his son's baseball field,
right fire coach, No true,Oh man, that's all of us
(19:55):
as bad as my husband was runningalong the sidelines when my son was running
back in Pop Warner and the coachcalled something and through a flag or the
ref, and my husband was,actually, uh, what do you call
it? He was dcute or hewas they kicked him out of the game.
They kicked him out of the game. Going in the car, sir,
(20:18):
get out. And my first myhusband thought he was calling on the
coach because they're both yelling at theref, and the ref said, I'm
not talking to the coach, I'mtalking to you. Yeah. Well,
and ps, the team wasn't losing. They were, in fact seventeen and
one. Ps. Everybody actually likesthe coaches. Yeah, he just his
(20:38):
son wasn't getting enough playing time,So he's going to spend fifteen hundred dollars
on a banner to fly over thefield. So what message you know,
it's like the college chooting scandal.What message is your kid getting? You're
not enough as you are. Ineed to intervene. And and your value
is attached to my are my valuesattached to yours? Our parenting egos are
(21:02):
so in the way where it's it'shis journey if you are not playing baseball,
and it's not about you. Andso that's what I hope this book
is. You know again, weall do stupid variations of what you're you
know, like that that's you know, but allowing it to persist. And
I have kids who you know,at their senior year banquet are saying the
(21:26):
only thing they remember in the carride home is crying why not I love
to watch you play? But ohthat res or oh why did that coach
not play you? Or you know, there's the parents don't see themselves and
hear themselves and realize you spewing thatto your kid in the car after they
(21:47):
lost or didn't play or had abad game. It's not helpful. Yeah,
and really what a great sort ofeven taking sports away. I think
that's a great message for parents andkids in the dynamic in general, just
with any thing. Yes, andthen that's really if this book really isn't
about raising Again, when I firsttried to get it published, people like,
oh, you want to raise apro athlete? No, no,
(22:08):
no, the opposite, like takeout basketball, put in art, takeout
football put in. You know,we all we want we want to raise
resilient kids. You say, Iam enough, and I am enough because
of who I am and what Ihave to offer. And maybe my future
destiny isn't in sports. But whatI'm going to learn from this, I'm
(22:30):
going to take to my first job. I'm going to take into my relationships.
I'm going to become a better human. I'm going to give back.
I'm going to be kinder because Irealized that I grew from that experience with
a strong, healthy body and astrong healthy mind. We've learned so much
from you already, chrism I mean, we don't want to let you go.
(22:52):
Thank you, coach, Thank you, thank you so much for having
me on. This is a blast. Oh Man Kirsen, thank you.
Yeah, this is great. Iappreciate you.
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