Text Me Back! With Lindy West And Meagan Hatcher-Mays

GOO GOO GAH GAH

We are two camera-ready babies who are continuing our Pulitzer-level reporting on P*SS ADDICTED GOATS. You all need to take a course on BASIC SURVIVAL. We're worried about you!!!! And thank you to everyone who called in and brought their lack of self-preservation to the forefront. Straggling thoughts welcome on the P*ss Freak Hotline (703) 829-0003. And Janice?

Goat Janice??? We're watching you, sweetie.

But first! We ...

Today we take on the No Stephen Challenge wherein we DETHRONE Kingleheimer Stephen by spending 20 talking about how we’re not going to talk about him! 

Before we kick Stephen to the curb, we use his tragically epic jingle for Normal News. And to really stick it to him, we’re using the segment to talk about feral piss-addicted goat freaks. Take THAT, Stephen!!!!!

And then…squish squish we’re gettin’...

BAD BOYS BAD BOYS WHATCHA WATCHIN’ DO

Is this you? If so, you’re under arrest!

-Loves Pornography

-Martial Arts?

-No Girlfriend

This week we’re talking all about The Killer™ Wendy Williams under our Whatcha Watchin’ vertical. You should be able to guess what that means: 

🚨 Spoilers Alert + Content Warning! 🚨

We discuss The Murder of Rachel Nickell (33:51 through 33:58), Worst Ex Ever (40:00 through 41:51), a...

No point in hiding the ball here…Stephen is back and he is coming out SWINGIN. You literally HAVE to stay tuned through to the end to hear Kingleheimer Stephen drop a diss track that is…well we don’t have words.

But first! It’s Tidings: ESP/N Edition. Meagan tells us all about her baseball adventures! S/O Julio Rodriguez mwah 😘miss you love you!!! If YOU have a Mariners hookup to get a ball signed, you&rsq...

Meagan is 44 years old! 

If you’re reading this, you should have called in yesterday to wish her a happy birthday. She mighta been busy bc she is treating herself to a cardiac event or two at a sports game. Is it POTS …or (S)PO(R)TS?? 

Plus, we lament the rise and fall of blond-haired white boys. Spoiler Alerts for Alias (2001-2006) and Lost (2004-2010). 

But taking center stage is Judge Meags Lane! We are ...

Today, we discuss ending the podcast. We decide…we still like doing this shit! Turns out podcast fun? Podcast helpful? Podcast...hopeful? Even though we didn’t win a Golden Globe, that DOESN’T mean we didn’t deserve a Golden Globe. Maybe next year! If you want us to keep podcasting forever, please give us some yummy yummy affirmations! We live off of your written reviews, your Patreon bucks, and your genera...

We really should have thrown out our BBW jingle, because today Lindy came locked and loaded with not one but TWO epic business ideas. Please direct all Middle-Aged Flower Girl booking inquiries to deartextmeback@gmail.com thank you, and if you care to invest in Mary Janes For Men call our reps at (703) 829-0003!

And one of our most bizarre new segments yet: Straight Pride Month??!

Since most of you have messed up brains like ours (as...

Weeooweeoo breaking news! The gals are looking…gorgeous this week?? And in a segment we’re calling 💋Makeup News 💋 they’re gonna tell you all about it. We cannot emphasize it enough folks, you gottttta check out the YouTube for a full faceful of milky toner. In the process, we trust.

Plus, it’s time for another SNAKE OF THE WEEK! We have three candidates to present for your consideration, and we invite you ...

This week, we step into an important new next phase of 🎀Meagan’s Journey 🎀! 

Oh, you thought it was over after her pilgrimage to Puerto Rico?? Tell me this: Has Meagan smooched any of her Latin Pop SuperEstrellas? Then it’s not over, chica!!! In this new evolution of the journey (🎀🎀Meagan’s Journey: Parte Dos 🎀🎀) you are invited—tell us what Ricky Martin OR Bad Bunny song is rocking your whole cabe...

Uh oh! Voting rights have been dismantled and now Meagan is vying for crusty stinker of the week! But it’s okay and everything is fine because she has made an important discovery, and it’s something called…“The Marvel Cinematic Universe.” 🚨 Spoiler Alert!!! 🚨 If you have not seen The Avengers (2012) through Avengers: Endgame (2019) and still plan to one day see a move that’s already 7-14 years...

Today, we tide! Sadly, the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico kindly asked Meagan (la Reina Lazy) to put away her ass and return to the Continental United States immediamente, so she is back to report on if she a) kissed Benito or b) kissed Ricky Martin orrrrr secret option c) kissed Billy the Magician. AND we are reaching a muy satisfying conclusion to our lazy river saga, wherein Meagan finds the laziest rio in alllll of Puerto Rico. So...

Ohhh the space-time continuum is catching up! In this ep you can find out who Meagan yelled at JUST LAST WEEK!

In this week’s tidings, we finally get to hear about how Lindy’s stay in Oklahoma City is going/went! Did you know in the Midwest there is no line ever, plenty of parking, and mansions for $12???  Are you one of the people in love with America’s mid-sized cities? Tell us how YOU pronounce “Braum...

Welcome back, it’s a brand new day because that’s how time works. It’s definitely not the same day, as you can see from Meagan’s cool new way of sitting and Lindy’s fresh new ‘do. 

In today’s Whatcha Watchin’,  🚨🚨BIG Spoiler Alert 🚨🚨bc Meagan is fired up on a little number called Song Sung Blue. Do you think this movie is a stinky diaper or not a stinky diaper? It’s...

A new bombshell has entered the villa. Her name is Nyx, and the only way to see her precious face is by checking us out on Youtube.com. 🐶

Ambient to the new dog situation, we are discussing Tidings (crying in Pennsylvania, DailyMail dot co dot UK, Lindy’s road trip), BUT FIRST, Lindy’s Surprise Microsegment. New glasses comparison is IN and you’ll need to tune in to update your portfolios posthaste.

And many have b...

Space and time continue to be melded into one great big wonky mass, like a fruit roll up left in your car on a hot day. Where we are, the Heated Rivalry conversation is still buzzing, so we have a pret-tay heated take for you. And Meagan doesn’t even know that her beloved Seahawks are Super Bowl champs! If you’d like to go back in time and let her know the good news feel free to call us at (703) 829-0003.

And…we n...

Ooohh time-space continuum is on the fritz–it’s a completely different day and yet…possibly the same day, who could say? They’re wearing different clothes, so the evidence suggests either 1) a parallel universe is unfolding before us 2) we’re caught in a time loop, or 3) that Lindy and MHM changed clothes between two back to back recordings to present YouTube viewers with a new visually stimulating ex...

Guess what? At this point in time, it’s Lindy’s birthday!!!! What if you bought a copy of Adult Braces? What if you read it, even??? What a gift! And our gift to you, you ask? Why it’s Emmy Award winning comedian Guy Branum!!!!! 

And guess what else? We’re in New York City, baby! The city of apples! Did you know you can wear sweatpants to Broadway and they can’t do anything about it??? Maybe they e...

In the Text Me Back universe, Meagan and Lindy are but 22 days into the year. Ahhh so young so innocent. Their New Year's Resolutions clinging so bravely on.

BUT FIRST. Not one, but TWO surprise microsegments from these two crazy ladies. Find out what little treat Lindy is finding criminally underrated, and which 2025 film has left Meagan losing faith in the integrity of the Oscars. Tell us which film you’re committing crimes ...

Hello beautiful Text Me Backolytes!!!

We are thrilled to share with you a free chapter of Lindy's new book Adult Braces. We know MOST of you have undoubtedly already rabidly pre-purchased the hard copy, BUT the audio book is truly such a delight. It's ready by Lindy herself. You'll hear such gems as: "If you're still being drilled by a man...have you consider a woman??? It's 2026!!!"

Buy your beautiful hard copy here!

https://www.hach...