Is That The Jonah Hill You're Willing To Die On?

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hi, I'm Adam Heath Visible andI'm Sarah. This is the DKs Podcast,
a podcast about love, sex,culture, and society. This week
will be talking about what controlling behaviorlooks like in relation to the Jonah Hill
situation. Enjoy the show whether you'remarried, fingle, or hanging out with

(00:22):
manufact of your place, listen tous and begetting a tender and mumble up
plenty of young trying and trying andhaving to luck because we all know dating
kind of sungs. Thanks for joiningus for another episode of Dating Kuna Sucks.
If you're new to DKs, myname is Adam and I'm a comedian,
writer, and misogynist turn feminist,joined by my co host Sarah,

(00:44):
who is a millennial travel junkie andserial dater now in a committed relationship.
We're not professionals, doctors, orexperts, just two people sharing our perspectives
on the world of dating, sex, and relationships. The first half of
every episode is spent catching up onwhat's happening in our lives, and the
second half is reserved for the episode'smain topic. So if that's all that
brought you here, you can skipthrough the halfway mark, or you can

(01:07):
stick around and enjoy the whole show. Let's get started. Welcome to our
live episode. Yes, yes,welcome to the live episode that didn't happen.
And actually, it's funny. Thisepisode almost didn't happen. What's going
on with us, Sarah. We'restruggling right now to record because Adam's in
a hotel room in Denver and theinternet speed is not great, so struggle,

(01:30):
but we're going to get work,which is Yeah, it's funny,
it's been great all day. Ithink it just there must be a lot
of people all of a sudden usingit because I've been I was playing video
games before we decided to record,and that requires an online connection, and
it had no problem at all.So who knows. But yes, if
you were expecting a live episode andyou did not, you're not getting one.
We're sorry, We're as disappointed asyou are. But it just wasn't

(01:53):
able to happen. Yeah, Adamfucked up. Now I'm kidding. Yeah,
basically, basically, you know,you know it was it was.
It was a technic. It wastwo issues, one a technology issue and
two I don't think we had enoughpeople there to really make it worthwhile and
also to be honest, the barthat we were at in Seattle at the
hotel was amazing. It was agreat place, but it was very lively

(02:14):
and very loud, and I don'tknow that even with our laveliers that the
sound would have been I don't thinkyou would have been enjoyable to listen to.
I feel like you would. Wewould have been either having to shout
or just you would have had somuch ambient noise that it would have been
damn near impossible to listen to.Yeah, I'm not mad that we didn't
have a live episode. I'm justkind of disappointed that of all the Seattle

(02:34):
listeners who said they were going toshow up, and I understand things happened,
but we had a lot of interestand then not a lot of people
showed up compared to the interest wehad. Yeah, it was It was
kind of disappointing. And one ofthe most frustrating things was when I was
posting about in our Facebook group theday after or someone commented and said,
oh, I live in Seattle.I hadn't heard anything about this, and

(02:57):
you know, that almost made mewant to blow my brains out because we've
been talking about it NonStop. Ihad to calm down, don't respond.
I did not respond because that wouldnot be nice because I would not have
been nice. Um. You know, we posted about it on Instagram constantly,
on Facebook. We talked about itin every episode for you know,
the three or four episodes leading upto it, and I and we both

(03:20):
talked about in our private social ourpersonal social media as well. So it
was definitely a little disappointing that that, you know, maybe people weren't finding
out enough information about it. Ireally don't know, or was it because
it was free people didn't see thevalue in it, which that would also
hurt my feelings. But that's somethingto consider where a lot of other shows
do paid meetups and things like that, where we had a good deal and

(03:44):
we said, yeah, let's doit free of charge, and because of
that, maybe people didn't see thevalue so then they didn't show up.
I don't know, right, Likeif you had to pay ten bucks,
would you be more likely to come? So I don't know. It was
it was a little disappointing because Iknow that we've had good meetups in the
past. Um, I would liketo hear from from the people who who
would enjoy meetups wherever you are inthe country or world, I don't care.

(04:06):
How would you like to know aboutit? Would you like us to
set up some type of email listor a text list or something? Um,
you know, let us know whatthe best way would be for you
to find out about what we dowhen we're doing uh, you know,
any type of special event. Um, because apparently social media does not fucking
work. Let's go back to theold days. Pigeon carrier only that will

(04:28):
work on that's right, pigeon carrysmoke signals. You know that there's anything
like that? Billboards? You know, we'll just have to because we have
the budget. We have the budgetfor billboards. But okay, yes,
yeah, so yeah, so Iwould like to I really would like to
hear from listeners. Just if ifyou wanted to do a meetup, how
would you want to know about it? Like, what would you be what

(04:49):
would you find the easiest way toto to learn about it and stay up
on it? Um? And youcan you know, you can email stating
kind of Sucks podcast at gmail dotcom. You can message us so through
one of our social media's just anything, if you could reach out. I
actually would really like to kind offind out what might be the way to
do that. Yeah, we wantto have more events in the future,

(05:11):
and now that everything's getting back tonormal, and we'd like to do a
big one in another city and continueto grow our live events. So this
is really important, let us know, please, And with that being said,
by the time this episode comes out, I will have already had a
mini meetup in Denver, but Ididn't really bother pushing it too much because
I was like, Oh, whoknows what's gonna come and and I feel

(05:31):
like now that I'm putting no effortinto it, I'm having people reach out
to you and be like, oh, you're in Denver, can we meet
up? And I'm like, it's, you know, fucking blowing my brains
out again. It's a Seattle thingthough. That's that's why I didn't get
So I was disappointed, don't getme wrong, but I wasn't super upset
given that I just know the climatein Seattle where a lot of people say

(05:53):
they're going to go to things andthen cancel and it's a whole thing.
But I don't know. Yeah,well, regard we had a really good
time in Seattle. We had We'lltalk about it a little bit later.
As far as the hotel that thatwe stayed at was was fantastic. Um,
the bar was really cool, butthen it was nice getting to spend
some time with just Sarah and I. We uh spent that we had after

(06:15):
we had a Thursday night where wedid the meet up, and then Friday
night we had um just just freeand Roy had to work and so Sarah
and I went out to we grabbedsome dinner and then went and then I
dragged her out to a dive bar. I enjoyed it. It was not
as davy as I expected, AndI think Sarah thought it was gonna be
like just like fights and dirt everywhereand just like you know, disgusting and

(06:35):
everything, and it was just kindof like a casual bar. But it
was so funny because she and Iwere like, hey, let's go,
let's go out after where should wego? Let's go try something around the
area, and like, so She'spulling up the bar she wants to go
to, and I'll pulling up thebars that I want to go to,
and they like they really have nothingin common whatsoever, like and and each
one I'm just like they had alcohol, they hadn't yes, yes, yes,

(06:57):
yes, they all served alcohol.That was that was the common later.
But it was hilarious and so thenof course we just decided. I
was like, well, I wantto go out, and so like there
was like, you know what,I'll fine, I'll go out for a
little bit. Just don't stay outtoo You're not gonna stay until too like
midnight, right, And I waslike, no, God forbid on a
Friday night. We won't stay outtill midnight. You know, we'll make

(07:17):
sure it's you your home nice andearly. And so so we did and
whatever whatever, I thought, Iwas going to have big plants on Saturday,
so I wasn't trying to stay outsuper late. But I'm happy I
did go out because we don't geta lot of face to face time.
So yeah, it was nice.It was just nice to Seeah. We
sat there and chatted for a fewhours and had a good time, and
I introduced you to the green teashot, which you didn't hate. And

(07:39):
so that was I didn't die.Nice. That was good. And he
didn't die. He didn't hate itor whatever. You know. I had
a few drinks and yeah, itwas it was and it was reasonably priced
and we had, you know,it was it was justesting it was a
good night. It was it wasnice to see you, and it was
good good way to kind of wrapup my Seattle adventures before I had a
East I know, miss you already. I know same here. I headed

(08:01):
to Spokane for a week and thatwas, um, you know, I
didn't even put this in the agenda, but I kind of I kind of
want to talk about the my friendand uh and Spokane. You want to
talk about that? Yeah, Ithink so, it's it was, it's
it's it's such an interesting thing tome and and and I mean, and

(08:24):
there's parts that you don't know nowtoo that that I thought, Okay,
so tell me the story. Please, let's get into it. Yes,
okay, so let's get into this. So this is this is uh,
it's really interesting. But I hada friend through blogging for many many years,
um who we were also Facebook friends. UM, and she's I think
a little bit older than I andI really know, I have no said
sometimes blogging how old somebody is,but she had told me, yeah,

(08:48):
it's just you can never tell,like he's just like you know, but
but I think she's in her likefifties it's gonna be my guests. I
know she has kids and everything likethat. And one day she just messaged
me on Facebook. She's like,Hey, this is a weird favor,
but could I have that that profilephoto you just posted on Facebook? Could
I have that without the filter onit? Because I think I had done
some tweaking to it, like youknow, I don't know what I'd done.

(09:09):
And I was like, yeah,sure, So I just sent her
the like the raw photo and shesaid thanks. And then she tells me
that her daughter or one of herdaughters is um, like you know,
it kind of has some self harmthings and and like and and spirals and
that drawing really calms her and soand trying to get her to calm down

(09:31):
when she is spiral. And thenshe'll like be like, oh, do
you want to draw something? Totry to find something of her to draw,
and her daughter would just happen tosee like that I had just recently
just posted a brand new profile picand so it like showed up on her
Facebook feed, her mom's Facebook feed, and it said I want to draw
that, but without the filter,And so she asked me and I said
sure. So then over the yearsshe would be like, hey, can
I have some more, you know, like just normal photos of you,

(09:54):
like unfiltered, you know, anythinglike that. And I edited just the
normal photos. Um, my daughterreally likes drawing your face. And I
was like, yeah, I guessI have an interesting face to draw.
I don't know it, but youknow, for years years I didn't realize
that. Okay, okay, yeah, And so it has been going on
for years, and I've never thoughtit was weird. I just you know,
because it's just like that's you know, that's really interesting to me.

(10:16):
And and sure, I mean anythingthat helps. So when I'm finally going
to be in her area, Ilet her know and I said I'd love
to I'd love to finally meet you, because I've never met her in person
or her any of her family.She said, yeah, yeah, that'd
be great. So we scheduled thetime to meet up a nearby Chilies,
because of course I wanted to choosesome of the local nightlife none of Yeah,

(10:39):
I went to Chilies this time andshe and I said, what about
your daughter, and she said,well, um, she might be able
to join us, it really depends. Um she is now she's now homeless
and is a fentanyl addict living indowntown Spacan and my friend lives in quart
Lane, which is about half houraway. And I was like, oh,
that's awful, and she goes,yeah, she's three. You know,

(11:01):
she just had some addiction problems.You know, it's always been something
that she's like wrestled with um andthen a new boyfriend kind of got her
into fen and all, and soyou know, it was it was,
you know, it's just become thisthing. They had. They had an
apartment together, and then they gotbanned in the apartment, and now they
both lived just downtown as you know, completely homeless. So I was like,
well, I would I would stillvery much like to see her because

(11:22):
you know, I just feel like, you know, and I think,
and she goes that she would loveand if I'm sure she would love to
see you. So we go toChili as we sit down her and her
husband and have you know, havea good time and enjoy enjoyed the meal
and and everything, and then shesaid, okay, so we're gonna go
downtown where she normally is. It'snormally in the tunnels or like under one
of the overpasses usually where where we'llfind her and then I'll let you know.

(11:45):
I know, if I can bringher over back to you by your
hotel, we can meet outside.And I'm like that's fine. So we
get to them. I get tothe hotel and then I like, I
get upstairs. It's this funny becauseI get upstairs and I'm like, I
wonder if they're gonna find her,because they were like, you know,
they said sometimes that we can't findher because she's off somewhere wandering or whatever.
Just yeah everything. Yeah, soyeah, it was very heavy.

(12:05):
So I get off, I getupstairs, and I, you know,
walk in the door, and youknow what, the first thing I do
when I walk in the door takeoff my pants. Yes, kick off
my pants. And I like,I literally had just taken off my pants,
and I was like, well,I don't know if I'm gonna hear
or not. And then immediately geta messagereum her, we found her.
We'll be right there, and soI was like, fucks, I gotta
put my pants back home. Soput my pants back on, go downstairs.

(12:28):
And it's funny that they pull upin the in this truck and I
can see her in the back seat, and as soon as like she sees
me like it was funny, likeshe it was like it was like a
kid who like saw a puppy andyou know, or something like where they
kind of put their face up tothe window a little bit and like and
like just like beaming smile. Andso she they partly you know that she

(12:52):
parks the car. The daughter likegets out of the car and immediately like
just runs over and gives me likea giant hug. I've never met her
before, she never met me,and her mom was like, see,
I told you it would be agood surprise, because I guess your mom
was like, hey, get inthe car. I want to I want
you to meet somebody. And she'slike, what the hell are we gonna
do? You'd take me to rehabher like you didn't know what was going
on and was a little terrified,and then gets up there and sees my
man. I was like, soyou recognize and she goes, oh yeah,

(13:13):
she goes, I, you know, recognized your eyebrows immediately, And
I thought that was just like itwas so funny, but it's also it's
really it was very cute, butin just touching in the same way.
And so we talked for a littlewhile. And it was funny because her
mom said, you know, youmight not be able to understand her because
she she kind of speaks in likemeths speak, you know, like she
just she mumbles a lot, andshe bounces from subject to subject. And

(13:37):
I found that I had no problemunderstanding her. In fact, at one
point she said something, Mom,I was like, I don't know what
you just said. And I explainedit to her. I was like,
oh, this is what she justsaid. But we tried it for a
few minutes and just you know,and then just kind of talked about,
you know, um, generally things. It's hard to have a conversation with
someone at that point in their lifeto be like, so how are things
you know, you don't really saythat, you know, there's not really

(13:58):
a good good thing. What wetalked about maybe my travels a little bit,
and how I wish I could havebeen up there earlier because I was
supposed to come up a couple ofyears earlier and I didn't get a chance
to. And then um, she'slike, oh, do you have Instagram?
And I was like yeah, Soshe asked for my phone and she
found her Instagram and she had hadme out, you know, at her
and I was I was like,do you have a phone right now?

(14:18):
She said, no, it alwaysgets stolen, but I'll find another one
somewhere and I'll, you know,I I'll you have it for a little
while at least, so I guessall of her stuff just gets stolen constantly.
And so yeah, it was itwas it was you know, but
it was it was heartbreaking, butat the same time, it was just
like, I don't know, Ifelt like there was just this little thing.
And so then after then when Iwas time to go, um,
she gave me another big hug andyou know, and I was like,

(14:39):
you know, be safe and andyou know, and you know, be
good, and she's like, I'mgonna try. And then got in the
car and you know, her momhad left over chilies for and she was
starving, so that was great andthey drove off and it was just it
was, you know, it wasreally bittersweet, but at the same time,
I just don't I don't know.Um. She then met She then
added me on Instagram and she andsaid, hey, I got a phone.

(15:01):
I found out a cheap phone.Hopefully this one will you know,
last a while before it gets stolenand uh. And it was just messaging
me and said, you know,I do art commissions and everything if you
ever want anything drawn or whatever.And I said, well, I said,
I you know, I'd be happytoo, I said, but I'm
not going to give you money rightnow. I said, you know,
maybe there's something I can do whereI buy you food, I said,
or something like that, because I'mnot um, you know, I said,
I just I don't want to everenable what's going on. And I

(15:24):
think you could understand that. Sheabsolutely, yeah, she goes, you
know what I really like is likea like even like a hotel for at
night, just so I can havea place to sleep and not worry about
my stuff getting stolen and have abe able to take a shower and all
those things. And uh. AndI was like, you know, maybe
there's a way I can try tofigure out that, like, uh,
you know, I'll try to maybego through your mom and pay your mom
and your mom can get the hotelor something, but you know, and
then she yeah. And then Ifelt terrible because I was like, I

(15:46):
had I had a hotel, shecould have just come up and you you
know, she could have stayed inand like it's taken a shower. You
know, she helse she could haveslept right there for for a while she
wanted. I wouldn't have mon didyou know my last night there? That
would have been fine. And itjust, um, I don't know if
it felt weird and the weird thingfor me now. And then this is
the part that I didn't really tellyou either, was that like I feel
like like a personal sense of obligationbecause she's a relationship with you through drawing

(16:12):
your face over the years. Yeah, like like it's just it's something like
that. And so yeah, I'vegot this this really like interesting feeling.
I'm just like, I like Iwant to I want to help her,
and I don't know, you know, I don't know if there's a way
too, but yeah, it's thesense of obligation has been really really kind
of not digging at me, butit's been something that's been kind of on

(16:34):
my on my on my on mymind for for the last couple of days.
I mean, obviously it's not yourresponsibility to take care of her her
and I know you know that,but I think it was a good first
step to say, you know,I'm not going to give you money,
but I'll help you out in otherways. And I think, yeah,
you can just continue to show upin those other ways, whether that be

(16:55):
strictly a food gift car, youknow what I mean, something where it
goes towards us certain restaurant or ahotel you figure out a way for a
hotel stay or something like that,or even just supporting her if she posts
things on social media and supporting herin those ways. Yeah. Yeah,
as as small as those may seem, it's when you're in a tough situation,
those little gestures can be helpful.Yeah, that's what I'm I'm gonna

(17:21):
try to see at least to yeah, the mainly the minimum, the minimum
that I can do. But yeah, yeah, it's it's very very interesting,
it's very It's a situation I didnot expect on my travels to kind
of encounter, and especially didn't didn'tfeel like, you know, didn't didn't
get to a point where I thought, oh, like I feel yeah,
like I feel like almost like afamilial obligation, Like it's a she's a

(17:41):
member of my family. Now.Yeah, and I know that her family
doesn't have a lot of money aswell, so I know I know that,
like they they're helping her as bestas they can, Like her mom
and her twin sister go out likeevery week and bring sandwiches to all the
like all the people in that area. Like so they have food and stuff
like that, and that's about thelike the extent of what they can do,
like on a finance level. Sothat was just a it's a really

(18:03):
bizarre story like that had it startedoff, you know, in such a
weird way and then getting to actuallyculminate with me being able to actually meet
her and and like and it wasit was a it was a good meeting,
and it was it was you know, and it was and I think
it was good for her and andit really was actually weirdly good for me.
So I was going to ask her, you happy that you did it
and you met up with I am, OK, yeah, I really am,

(18:26):
Like no, I like I reallyI really felt. Yeah it felt
and I don't know why, likethat's the weird thing too, but it
just it felt like this is kindof it felt right to really kind of
meet her and like the fact thatshe ran up and gave me a big
hug, and like you just feltlike, oh, this is somebody I've
known for a while, even thoughI've never talked to her, never said
a word to her, And yeah, and it just kind of feels like,
you know, a little sister thatI that I want to take care

(18:47):
of now. So there we go. How was that was that for some
heavy heavy O man? I know, like yeah, so yeah, yeah,
so anyways, um let's yeah,I just yeah, it was.
It was something that's been kind oflike I've been working with. But I

(19:07):
was either talk about this or talkabout you know, I mean going to
Sagebrush Sam's the strip club in themiddle of nowhere in Montana. But everybody's
heard all my strip club stories,so like, do we need another Yeah,
I know exactly do you or doyou really need another one about you
know, about me spending too muchmoney to strip club and so yeah,
I figured this might be a littlebit more of a the old genuine thing

(19:29):
that happened. Yeah, So what'sgoing on with you? Anything else since
we last last an episode? Yeah? Actually, I had a really fun
meet up with my ex boyfriend's family. Uh crazy enough. They live in
Washington State, And wow, myex boyfriend and I we were a high
school relationship. I was friends withthem like freshman, sophomore, junior year,

(19:52):
and then we dated my junior year, and then we connected throughout college
and things like that when I wasdating other people. And now he's married
and has three kids, which isgreat, and he's living his life in
Florida. But his dad and stepmommoved out to Tacoma about five years ago.
And I've always remained close with hisstepmom on Instagram for whatever reason,
and I'm friends with his dad onFacebook as well. But his stepmom,

(20:15):
Bridget just will comment on things she'sseen all my travels. I just I
love her. And she had reachedout and she was asking questions about why
did you choose Washington? Do youknow anyone out here? And I was
like, no, I was justmy boyfriend and I we decided to move
out here. And she was soamazed by that, and then she made
the gesture of will, since youdon't really have family out here, we'd
love to invite you to dinner andhost you out in Tacoma, which is

(20:37):
about a thirty minute drive from whereI'm at in Seattle. So on Friday
of last week, I drove downto Tacoma and had dinner with them and
met their son. They have anotheryounger son together, who's I want to
say, maybe six, so significantlyyounger than obviously my ex boyfriend because that's
his little his half brother. Butum, so I had dinner with them

(20:59):
for a couple of hours, andI don't know, it just it reminded
me of all the good times thatI had hanging out with my ex boyfriend's
family, and I've really loved theircompany. So it was just really comforting
to see some familiar faces and kindof know that even though they're not my
family, and they're clearly my ex'sfamily, but I have other people in
this area that I can kind ofcount on if I was in a pinch

(21:23):
or something. That's that's really cool. Um And uh, it's it's nice
that you can have that, youknow, I have. I have some
exes where I think I could hangout with their family, especially like X
is from high school, where theirfamily, like I would still get along
with them too. So I thinkthat's that's really cool that you can do
that. Yeah, and I invitedRoy to dinner, and they did invite

(21:44):
Roy as well. They wanted tomeet him, but I told him,
don't feel pressured to go. Ithink if I was in your shoes,
I might decline and say have funon your own. And so I'm not
mad that he didn't join, butyeah, yeah, it's it's it would
I feel like the first time,since you haven't seen them in a long
time, it would be a littleweird maybe, Like it's if you see
them subsequently, like in they dolike events, like hey, they're having

(22:06):
a you know, a cookout orsomething, and you're like, you're going
over. It might be nice forhim to go at that point, right,
because we're not. We did somuch catching up in those two and
a half hours that I was thereover dinner that he would have felt really
awkward. So totally makes sense.But yeah, we want to plan something
in the future where we all kindof meet up and in another area,
whether that be Tacoma or Seattle andhang out. But I don't know,

(22:29):
it's just funny to me, youknow, I didn't have I haven't had
the greatest relationship with a lot ofmy ex's family members, but this X
I've always I've always liked them,and then the fact that you know,
his step mom reached out just reallymade me happy. Well, that's awesome
and so and he's your ex isActually he's married now. He got married

(22:49):
in twenty twenty or twenty twenty one, I can't remember. He got married
during the pandemic. I met hisnow wife. We I was the third
wheel of an event. We wentto the country five hundred at the Daytona
Speedway for this big country music festival. And he wanted to go with her,
but you're probably gonna I can't seewho's over recording now, but I

(23:11):
knew you're probably I rolling or something. But him and her were going to
go, but then he wanted tohang out with me. So she's like,
well, do you care if you'rethird wheeling in. I'm like,
it's fine. And he That wasone of their big first dates, not
their first date, but one oftheir bigger, elaborate dates. And I
remember he turned to me and said, I really liked this girl a lot.
And then you know, two secondslater they're making it in front of

(23:33):
the stage or whatever. And Iwas happy for him, and that was
all, you know, it was, we're like friends, you know,
but right, well that's good.Now they're married and yeah and kids.
So she yeah, so she hada kid prior to dating him in another
relationship and then they've been married Iwant to say, two or three years
now and have already had two moreJesus three in total. Yeah, it's

(23:59):
a lot. It's a lot.And parents are kind of hinting at that
of saying, wow, you know, he's not even thirty. Not that
there's any problem. You know,you create your own life and destiny,
but they were kind of hinting at, yeah, you know, three kids
and he's wiping a lot of poopybutts and you know, complaining a little
bit about that. But that's kindof what he wanted. That's what he

(24:21):
wanted. That's what you signed upfor there. But yeah, meanwhile,
the complete opposite. But it wasgood to see them. Nonetheless, Well
that's good. It's nice to seeanother family before you fly off. Because
after this, when this episode airs, you will have just gotten to Maine
for a couple of weeks. Yeah, I'm going to damer Scotta, Maine,
which is about an hour and ahalf north of Portland, Maine,

(24:45):
and I'll be in a cabin withlimited internet access right on a lake for
a week and reading and just enjoyingthe outdoors. Yeah, it means I
won't hear from you for like aweek, and it'll be crazy when weird,
because even like if we don't doan episode, I'm used to at
least us to us chatting, yeah, I'm you when you get to town.
I know, when you get intoa town or something, I'll text

(25:07):
you yeah. Well yeah, whenI'm when I get into the quote unquote
bigger towns, i'll have cell service. But when I'm at the cabin,
I'm doing the lion king mode ofpushing my arm to the corner of the
room trying to hold up my phoneas high as I can to get one
bar. So don't don't expect muchfrom me, and don't even expect then

(25:27):
an episode, and that we're probablygonna scaft to skipping episode in the middle,
unless I unless I go a lonewolf and do one, which I
haven't decided yet. So yeah,you might actually be missing an episode because
of that. But that's okay,that's what the live episode would have been.
None. None, But we know, I know, I know things
happened. It's okay, we pivot, that's right. Well, I'm good.
Well, let's speak of pivoting.Let's pivot to the DKs hotline,

(25:51):
which if you're listening and you haveany questions, and you have anything that
you want to talk about and anytopics that are just on your mind,
we would love for you to callon leave his voicemail. This is our
last one that we have saved,so we need some new ones. And
that means it's time for you topause the episode and call this number and
leave a voicemail. And that numberis four oh seven five one nine zero

(26:12):
one eight one and leave us avoice one about anything that could be about
sex, about dating and relationships,travel, whatever was yes, joining a
listener event, even you know mystory about my friend with the you know
whose whose daughter you like? Ifyou have any any type of story like
anything that might relate or be ofinterest, we'd love to hear it,

(26:33):
So please call leave a voicemail.This voicemail came from an anonymous listener,
so we're gonna go ahead and listento her and uh and take care of
it. So here we go.Hey, Adam May Sarah, I I
guess a two part question. Iam in this polyamory exploration kind of phase
of my life after being monogamous fortwenty years or whatever. Anyway, I've

(26:57):
gotten and is polly saturated. SoI have been sort of pulling back and
figuring out who it is that Iwant to spend more time with get to
know better, and who it isthat I need to sort of part ways,
you know, amozably maybe stay friends. So question part one, I
guess is there's this one guy thatI've been seeing fairly consistently for a few

(27:19):
months now. He is sweetest canbe. The physical side of my relationship
with him is absolutely incredible. He'sjust amazing in that way, and you
know, we have nice enough conversations, polite, you know, I can
talk to him about things, hecan tell me about things, but there's
just not really that X factor whenit comes to our conversation. So I

(27:44):
guess what I'm trying to decide is, you know, with limited time,
is this somebody that I should bekeeping around or would it be better to
use that space in my life forsomeone who maybe I do not have quite
as bit a physical connection with,but the mental and emotion connection is maybe
more there. Side note, howdo you explain to somebody that it's like

(28:06):
the best thing you've ever had,but like maybe everything else is not as
much But there's something wrong with him. It's just you know, that X
factor, I guess is maybe missinga little bit. So that is question
part one, And then I guessquestion part two is. One thing I've
noticed about him is that he spendsa ton of time in the physical aspect.

(28:27):
I mean, it's and it's sopleasurable and so wonderful. But sometimes
I think I just want to likedo other things. Like I like the
idea that you know, maybe Igo to his house and we watched TV
and then we hook up and thenwe go to bed or we you know
whatever. But and I feel likethe hooking up part just lasts a really
long time. I think part twoof your question kind of led to your

(28:51):
answer in part one. While thesex is amazing, it's not everything in
your relationship. I think if Ithink, if you're only wanting sex and
you just wanted to full around fromtime to time, this would be a
good thing to keep going. Butbecause you're trying to focus your time and
form more valuable relationships, he mightnot be worth pursuing. But I do
have a few questions for you.Have you had the conversation with him about

(29:15):
your connection and just things that youdo together. You know, you've mentioned
that he's taken some time to warmup, So would that be something where
you could continue to be he couldcontinue to be more personable over time and
you can continue to build that.Have you told him about your wants and
needs outside of the bedroom or haveyou said, you know, I love
that you make the bedroom your mainjob and you want to make this grand

(29:38):
finale sex event every single time.But have you said it's okay if we
do it quickie every once in awhile, or you know, maybe we
skip sex this next time and justhang out instead. Have you had those
conversations. If you haven't, Ithink you should have those before making any
future decisions. Yeah, so justtalk to him. In my opinion too,

(29:59):
and then I that that is agood That is a good response.
Um in my mind, could bethat you know, you, like he
said, you kind of got polysaturated, which you know, I think
there's this need sometimes people are like, oh, well, you know you're
polyamorous, and now you have apolycuel and now you're poly saturated. You
know, these also just happen injust all types of Like you could just
be overwhelmed because you know you've beentrying to date and they're just talking to

(30:21):
too many people as exhausting, Likeit can be exhausting just to talk to
one person sometimes, So I thinkit's okay to want to cut back a
little bit and maybe, you know, try to figure out if it's just
worth just chatting with one person.And then I think you need decide what's
important for you. It could bethat this guy just might not be worth
anything more than just a dick.You know, it just might be you
know, it might be good sexand he's not really doesn't have Maybe he

(30:42):
doesn't have the personality that you need, or the intellect that you need,
or the conversation skills that you want. But you have friends, so you
can have you can have that typeof emotional relationship with people that you're not
fucking and then just have good sexwith him. And if that's that's okay
with you, Like that's something you'relike, well, I could you know,
you can get by with that.But if you really do want him

(31:02):
to provide everything, then like Sarahsaid, I think it's time to ask
him some questions about things, talkto him about talk to him about this,
and then communicate with him. Butthen again, I think it's also
okay if you're just like, oh, you know what, this is gonna
be my dick guy, and thenjust like you know, and just call
up dick guy when you want,when you want good good sex, and
then otherwise go to often, youknow, go off and do your own
thing. And you know, Ihave friends and whatever. I stand by

(31:25):
that. I also think have theconversation of maybe we just fuck all the
time, and that's fine if that'sour relationship, but that's our dynamic.
Yeah, yeah, but it doessound like you get a little tired of
it. And by the way,you're not that you're not an asshole for
like deciding that he doesn't like ifyou for sometimes just thinking like, all
right, we don't have to desert. You don't have to keep fucking like,
you don't have to keep going,Like it's okay, Like you're not

(31:45):
an asshole for you know, towant it to stop us sometimes and it's
okay to tell him that, hey, be like, hey, listen,
take a break, you know,buddy, Hey sex I'm good. Yeah,
hey tiger, take a break.Good job. Yeah, here's a
treat. All right now, let'sjust let's go snuggle on the coach for
a bit. You know, Ifeel like it's you know, in some
ways, you just kind of gotto train them like a like a dog.

(32:07):
Lovely. Well, if you havequestions, comments, her concerns,
and you want Adam to stay,just treat them like a dog. Give
our hotline a call. That numberis four zero seven five one nine zero
one eight one. That's right.Go ahead and call that number right now.
Leave us a question. Don't bea dog now ask us to ask

(32:30):
us a question. Please do so. We want to get some more voicemails
in QUM and we're gonna go aheadand take a quick break and we come
back. We'll have what to seewith Sarah G and Adam A and Adam
as we talk about the Graduate Seattle. Well, if you didn't know,
last month, two weeks ago,Adam and I had the pleasure of staying
at the Graduate Seattle, located inthe University District in Seattle, Washington,

(32:53):
and a short walk from the metrostation. The Graduate Seattle is a great
choice if you're wanting to stay closerto the university or a little outside of
downtown when you're visiting the area.My opinion, the property is absolutely gorgeous.
It has an art deco vibe throughout, and like their name, their
rooms also have touches of it beingclose to a college campus. So for

(33:15):
instance, the downstairs has husky pitchersthat represent the local mascot. And I
don't know, Adam, if younotice, but the notepad in the room,
they had like a standard looking penciland then the notepad looked like a
scantron. I did notice that Ireally liked the touches, and like in
every room just had the kind ofyou know, they could have gone like
a really cheesy way. I feltI had like those college posters that everybody

(33:37):
has, like the you know,the Blues Brothers posters and stuff like that
that like are quintessential when you thinkabout college dorm rooms. But they didn't
go that way. They took likethey had some just kind of cool,
cool posters and photography that I thinkwas it was unique enough that I really
appreciated what they were what they had, and I thought that it gave it
a nice touch. You walked in, it felt comfortable and it felt like

(33:59):
it was high end, but thenalso still felt like a like a little
you know, like a dorm insome small ways, like just the small
ways that mattered. It didn't smelllike a dorm room. It felt like
a dormo, you know what Imean, like like you want it in
the ways you would want it tobe. Yeah, very homey, very
comfortable for sure. And the otherthing I really liked is if you head

(34:21):
to the sixteenth floor of the hotel, you'll find their bar and restaurant,
which is where we had our liveevent called the Mountaineering Club. And I
haven't been to a lot of rooftopsin Seattle yet, but I've heard that
this one is the best, andI do have to agree, even though
I don't have much to compare itoff of this rooftop had a three hundred
and sixty degree view of the city, so you could see the sunset over
the Olympics like Olympic National Park,and then you could also see mounta Raineer

(34:45):
from the other side of the views. Yeah, that, I'll tell you.
The view up there was incredible.I could have just stayed up there
the entire time because just as thesame I mean, even when the sun
was up and seeing how you know, just seeing the whole city. You
could see the Needle Space needle andjust she just it really was incredible and
uh and and I loved it.Um, and I learned, Um,

(35:05):
there was a another building nearby thathad a big W on it that Oh
yeah, I asked Sarah f thatwas the the like the W as in
the hotel, and she had toinform me that I'm an idiot and it's
for University of Washington. You're like, that's why the W looks different.
Oh, yeah, the University ofWashington. But but no, the Yeah,

(35:27):
the view was absolutely incredible and itlike you just sitting up there,
you could see why that play thatMountaineering Club was. I mean every time
we were up there, it waspacked. And I think it was packed
because it's one of the best.If you're anywhere within it, like a
five block radius of the place,you're gonna be like, let's go here
for the you know, for adrink, because just the view alone and
the drinks were really good. Theywere strong for me. But yes,

(35:49):
you thought they were strong too,you know, they had they had little
bit of a kick to him andthey were and um, and then the
food was good too. We hadwe had several things. We went there
twice, yeah, won twice andordered a couple of different things, and
I enjoyed everything I had. Yeah, what I also really liked is,
of course it's summertime, so there'snot as many clouds out in Seattle.
They have a shot or a drinkthat you can only order when you can

(36:14):
seem ount Rainier and it's a shotof U. L. R. Hler,
which is supposed to taste like peppermintand cinnamon to capture like the essence
of winter. And then you alsoget a Reineer beer with it as well.
All right, Yeah, I didlike that that they had that,
and it's kind of a yeah,and that was a only available like when
it's clear enough to see. Andwe were lucky enough that both nights that

(36:35):
we were there, you could seeRahneer clearly, like very clearly, and
it was really it was kind ofcool to me too, just seeing how
far away it was that it kindof seemed to hover above the clouds almost,
and that was really interesting for me. But I just loved how into
it you got with taking photos ofthe sunset and everything, because you were
dogging me for crying watching a sunsetlike a couple of days prior, and

(36:59):
so then you here you are withyour camera taking videos and stuff, and
I'm just like, oh my heart. He loves it too. Although I
think the first thing I said itwas like, oh I might cry,
and you're like, fuck you youknow accurate? Yeah, I know it
was. I mean it was becauseit was the sunsets were absolutely spectacular and
and like I love good you know, good nature photography that are just like

(37:21):
even urban photography, like when youget a really beautiful sunset, and the
colors were incredible. Yeah. Um. And then outside of the Reminier Club,
although we didn't do it, youcan rent bikes from the Graduate Seattle
and then hop on the trails thattake you over to Gasworks Park or anywhere
else around the city. I suggestedthat to Adam, but he said,
where the fuck are we gonna gobiking? So we did not do that,

(37:43):
which is okay, that's fine.I think I said you know that
I have I haven't ridden a bikein probably thirty years. I don't know,
oh yeah, how to ride abike anymore, Like, dude,
it would be an interesting endeavor totry that. Just like the saying goes,
you never forget though, yeah henever forgot. I forgot how to
skip. So I don't know ifI can, you know, like that
TikTok, because I don't know ifI if I can ride a bike,
so I didn't want to learn thenat least. Yes, But in addition

(38:07):
to the bike rentals, there's alsoa coffee shop that's attached to the hotel
called Poindexterra Coffee that offers quick bitesand specialty coffee drinks. Did you check
that out at all? I walkedin there. Yeah, I got a
I had a soda that actually gotfrom there when I was waiting waiting round
for you, I think. Andit was a cute, little, cute
little place. They had had afun little menu as well. And yeah,

(38:29):
you know, the other thing Iwant to say too is I really
liked the just the lobby was neatbecause they had it felt like um almost
like like if you would feel likethe common area, like a high end
common area between dorm rooms, likebetween dormitories, because they had all these
chairs and seats and everything, likethey had enough that you could sit like
a lot of people just to chill. And so there are people are just

(38:49):
like hanging out playing Some people wereplaying games and stuff like that, And
I felt like that that it wasreally neat. It's not your typical standard
lobby for sure. No, right, yeah, definitely not. And so
it was that was cool. Andthe staff actually was was brilliant too.
They all left up every time wehad a question, they were there to
help, which I thought was It'salways nice because sometimes hotels sometimes you know
something, you can get some staffsometimes that are kind of snooty or obnoxious,

(39:13):
and nobody was like that. WhatI loved too is when we're at
the Mountaineering Club the second day,someone came up and said, were you
here yesterday? And you're like,yeah, I said, I said,
no, there's another fat guy witha blue beard, and then and then
I was like, yes, ofcourse. And then and then I said
and I knew her name. Andthen she was impressed that I knew her
name, but I was like,whoah, yeah, I mean, you

(39:34):
know, you just remember those things. But yeah, that was funny.
Overall, fantastic time at the GraduateSeattle. There are a lot of other
properties that the Graduate Hotel chain hasthroughout the country, and there's some in
the UK as well. So ifyou're looking for a hotel accommodation that is
near it's typically close by college campuses, like for Nashville example, is right
across the street from Vanderbilt. Iwould say, check him out, see

(39:58):
what the raid is like and ifyou want that kind of vibe. We
had a fantastic time. Yeah,we really did. I would definitely stay
stayed there again, and as Itravel, it's a property I would look
at as well as well, Likeif I saw that, I'd be like,
oh, that's definitely what I knowis going to be the type of
hotel that I enjoy staying at becauseI've had some experiences. Let me tell
you, Yeah, because he's beenusing sketchy booking things that he promoted last

(40:22):
about if you're going to talk aboutthat, well we'll talk about that some
other time, not in this segment. But well with that, we will
take a little break and then getback into the topic of Jonah Hill.
My favorite celebrity topic, yay,is that the Jonah Hill you want to
die on? And we'll be rightback. Well, you know, I'm

(40:45):
not the most pop culture savvy personaround. I can't even say it because
I'm just not savvy when it comesto anything pop culture. So when Adam
came to me is saying, wegot to do something on this Jonah Hill
thing. I'm like, fuck me, dude, I don't want to talk
about celebrities. I pres that youdo who Jonah Hill was. So that's

(41:07):
at least oh my god, ohmy god. You know I deserve that.
That's fine. But I was seeingall of these Jonah Hill videos on
TikTok, giving it a whole twosecond watch and then scrolling because I just
don't give a fuck about celebrities likethat, whether they're doing something shitty or
great or whatever. Unless you're fuckingLady Gaga. There's only a couple of

(41:30):
celebrities I give a shit about.He is not one of them. But
so I'm dogging you on this topic, saying I'm not interested. This is
fucking stupid. Why should we talkabout celebrities. I get off the phone
with you and I get on aFacebook, which another shock. I never
get on Facebook. But I geton Facebook and the first thing on my
feed is someone that I went tohigh school with defending Jonah Hill. And

(41:52):
I had a little bit of anidea of what was said in the text
messages, but he was defending everypoint that Jonah Hill made in this main
text message that a lot of peopleare sharing, minus the bathing suit thing,
and he was like, I don'tsee anything he did wrong, and
I was thinking, fuck, othermen probably think like this too. Shit,
we gotta do a topic on thisgod dune and here we are.

(42:15):
So for those of you who dothat, have no idea what's going on.
Basically, Jonah Hills ex Sarah Brady, who was a professional surfer out
of the Blue in the last week, shared a bunch of texts that he
sent in her that are actually fromalmost two years ago. So yeah,
so they and it ended their relationship. And I don't know what prompted her

(42:38):
to decide to share these, butI think I think my guests and this
is just me, was that shedidn't really understand maybe how abusive and controlling
it was until she either saw hisrecent documentary about therapy, or maybe someone
actually pointed out exactly how abusive itwas. She's like, wow, that's
not good. Maybe I should youknow me. She might have been excusing
it in her own head, likeoh, this is whatever, and then

(43:00):
realize that maybe it wasn't okay andor something. There might have been something
that triggered her to post this,But she posted these, and she supposts
a bunch of screenshots and a bunchof things, but one is kind of
the more damning one. Here isone where he texts her and says,
plan and simple if you need,and then he has a bulleted list surfing
with the men by boundary lists inappropriatefriendships of the men, to model,

(43:24):
to post pictures of yourself in abathing suit, to post sexual pictures,
friendships of the women who are inunstable places and from your wild recent past.
Beyond getting a lunch or coffee orsomething respectful, I am not the
right partner for you. If thesethings bring you to a place of happiness,
I support it, and there willbe no hard feelings. These are

(43:45):
my boundaries for romantic partnership, myboundaries with you based on the ways these
actions have hurt our trust. Sookay, now I mentioned a minute ago
she's a professional surfer. So evenif we just look through the this list.
Then he says, surfing with men, what like is that? What

(44:05):
if if we've reversed it? Andshe said, you know, I think
you acting opposite women women? Yes, this is just if you if if
you really need acting against when youknow opposite of women in your life.
Then that's not okay, that's notokay with me, you know, like
it's the same fucking thing he knew. What bothers me the most is he
knew getting into a relationship with herthat she surfed. She's a professional surfer

(44:30):
who lives in Hawaii. She postponedis she doesn't surf in a fucking gown.
She wears bathing suits to surf,she posts pictures of it, She's
on Instagram, she models on herInstagram. He clearly liked those things about
her before he really started dating her, and now all of a sudden,

(44:51):
it's a fucking problem when he knew, yeah, and and okay, so
even more than that, even worsethan that, is not only did he
know, but he met her bysliding into her dms on Instagram on one
of the photos that he later madeher take down Oh yeah, yeah yeah,
and was calling her hot and stufflike that, and started chatting her

(45:14):
up based on one of her photos. And then when it came time for
them to start dating, that wasno longer except a little behavior because he
knew how sleazy he was being.And so then he basically is like,
wow, you know, I justnow somehow the trust was violated. I
don't think there was trust violated.I think that he just was like men
are sleazy, and I can't trustyou because look, you talk to me,

(45:37):
you know that kind of thing,Like you chatted up with me,
So who's gonna say what you're gonnayou know, anytime you get a DM
And also like these sexy bathing suitthings that he was talking about, like
a lot of these photos were likemodeling photos that she was doing, like
sponsored deals with brands and not atall something where there was any type of

(45:59):
like it wasn't like fertilation, noteven that that should matter, but like
it was a fucking business deal andhe was trying to trying to stop her
from from doing this. Yeah,but if the roles, like we said,
if the roles were reversed and hehas to if he's trying to make
money doing something and she has aproblem with it, he would call her

(46:20):
out. It wouldn't be okay.But it's totally cool if he does the
same well, And so so that'sand I think that's the important thing to
talk about this behavior, is thatwhat makes this not boundaries because what the
way that every every guy, everyevery piece of shit dude out there with
a crusty, unwashed ass who's beenwho's been defending Jonah Hill has been saying,

(46:40):
is like, well, these arejust his boundaries, and if she
wants doesn't want to, you know, go buy his boundaries and she can
just leave. And that that's beentheir excuse. A boundary is not something
you can put on another person.If you have a personal boundary on something,
then when you're in that situation,you remove yourself from it in any
way that you can. You don'ttell another person I'm uncomfortable, you stop

(47:04):
doing that exactly. That's controlling themand making it their fucking problem. He
could have it could have been aboundary of his I don't like Let's say,
for example, he's like, Idon't like women who portray themselves like
this on social media or whatever.He should have just removed himself then,
instead of like telling her you can'tdo this, you can't do this,

(47:24):
you can't do this. If he'slike, look, I feel really insecure,
it's a boundary of mine the end, even though it's not really a
boundary, right, Well, soin some ways it would be a boundary
if he had set that from thebeginning. And that's the thing as a
boundary is also something that it's affectseverybody. It's part of everything. And
what I mean by that is likeif you say, listen, if anyone

(47:47):
yells at me in an argument,if I get an argument someone and they
yell at me my personal boundaries,that is that I'm going to step out
of that conversation. It doesn't matterwho it is that's yelling at me,
it's anybody. His boundaries were allabout her personal specific activities and things that
he was perfectly okay with earlier.So that's not a boundary, that's a

(48:08):
goal post. That's him moving goalpoststo control her. And and you know,
and like the fact is that hemet her when she was doing all
of these things. And then inaddition to trying to, you know,
say well, these are my boundaries, he also he made her remove posts
that were from before she had evenmet him because he just didn't like the

(48:30):
essentially the attention she was getting.It made him feel insecure, so he
instead of working on his insecurity andsaying all right, let me process this
in a healthy way, he triedto take it out on her. And
that's not a boundary. Somebody wholoves you will never want to change the
things that attracted them to you inthe first place. They're not going to

(48:51):
want to change you. They're goingto want to lift you up and say,
that's so awesome, my girlfriend lovesto serve, my girlfriend post these
photos on social media. Whatever.They're gonna want to fucking raise you up,
not tear you down. That's nota relationship you want to be in,
no matter what the fuck they sayto you. Yeah, and so
it's good that they broke up.I mean, it's definitely good they broke
up because obviously that was unhealthy andand she did leave. And that's the

(49:13):
thing is like everyone who's defending,you know, defending him, is like,
oh, you know, she couldjust leave, Well she did.
That doesn't make his behavior okay,yeah, right, because there are a
lot of women that will sometime thatwill get manipulated or feel guilted into staying
because they will feel like they arein the wrong for their behavior. His
behavior was not setting a boundary.Saying this makes it was sitting. It

(49:35):
was making her feel like she wasa bad person for what she was doing,
and she wasn't doing anything wrong.Well, I think the other interesting
thing is this is all text messages, where a lot of times when you're
controlled by another person or you're beingmanipulated, it's a conversation. So then
you're like gaslighting yourself, thinking,well, we didn't really fully have the
conversation like this. But when it'sin text, in black and white and

(49:58):
you go back to read it,any woman who's read this text thread goes,
what the fuck that's not okay.It's the men who are seeing these
text messages going I don't see anythingwrong with this, But every woman that
I've seen talk about this gets itbecause it's clear in black and white,
and it shows other women who arestruggling in relationships either being manipulated or in

(50:19):
other shitty behaviors like this conversation isnot okay, And if someone's talking to
you like that, you need tofucking leave because they're not respecting you at
all. Yeah, you know,I think one of the shining examples of
that was him saying that she couldn'thave the women friends he didn't approve of,
basically over yourself. Classic abusive tactic, you know, to try to
separate people and isolate them from fromhaving, you know, having friends that

(50:44):
they that will disagree and we'll givethem another perspective. He doesn't want an
audience, he doesn't want other peopleknowing his shit. Surfing with other men
also just pisses me off because ithas nothing she do you think the waters
are just clear of No, they'renot clear of men. There's other male
and female surfers in the water atthe same time. That's like going into

(51:07):
an office and saying, you can'tgo into your job with other men,
Yeah, because I don't like othermen in the office, which is exactly
what he just said. I mean, that is what he said, you
can't do your job with with menaround, because it's just, you know,
it makes me feel uncomfortable. Andthat's that's a boundary that I'm just
going to have to set because ofthe trust in our relationship, you know,
which is just said there is notrust. He doesn't trust her,
And he's weaponizing therapy as well,saying, oh, well, it's it's

(51:31):
like he learned one term in therapyand said that's the one I'm going to
use on her to get everything thatI want. Boundary boundary, boundary,
boundary and did not take anything awayfrom therapy, and then probably just lied
to I didn't watch the documentary withhim at all, probably lied to his
fucking therapist about him actually displaying shittybehavior. So then he's building himself up

(51:53):
as being this fantastic fucking man becausehe's doing things right. He's going to
therapy, he's learning the terms whyis everything wrong with other people? Then?
Well, and so I haven't watchedthe video either, but I either
they're the documentary, but I didsee something he was talking about, you
know, that he's always had bodyimage issues and because he's a fat guy,
you know, and and that's that'spretty typical. And he said he

(52:14):
didn't even take a shirt off inpublic or in front of even friends until
he was like thirty something, youknow. And and he's finally like now
he's gotten into shape a little bitbetter and he's finally kind of happy with
himself, and and he was writingsomething out to the paparazzi. He's like,
you know, and I you guyslike take photos of when I'm out
and the water with my shirt offand like try to shame me and like
it it's it's such toxic behavior.Blah, blah blah, but you know

(52:36):
what, I'm happy with who Iam now, so fuck you. You
know it the day and so youcan see he did work through therapy a
lot. He's worked through, youknow, trying to try to like himself,
but he still has insecurity issues.And it blows my mind that.
My guess is he sees her surfingwith somebody and that they seem to be
getting along, and his insecurity kicksin and instead of saying, what's she
gonna do? Fucking right, andinstead of saying to himself, Okay,

(53:00):
this is me. I have towork through this, Like what do I
do to make sure that I like? I trust her? And so I
need to I need to trust her, and how do I do that?
How do I work through that?He decides to put that on her shoulders
when it's not her, it's nother behavior that's the problem. It's his
insecurity and that is not a boundary. That is control, that is toxic,
that is abuse. Well, hewould be seen as weak if he

(53:22):
said, hey, I'm I'm feelinga little insecure about you surfing with other
men or you being in a bikini. He clearly didn't have that conversation he
just spewed out text message after textmessage of this is what I want demands,
versus actually having a conversation with herin person and saying how can we

(53:42):
work through this? Ultimately, itdoes lie on him, not her,
and that's probably what that conversation wouldhave led to, but he didn't want
to have a face to face conversation. In my opinion, I think it's
easier for manipulators to just text itout and get all of their words out
because they know you're going to readthe message anyways. But if you're if
he's trying to get that same messageacross face to face, she's gonna fucking

(54:05):
interrupt him and say that's da dadad, Like she's gonna say surfing with
other are you fucking serious? Dada da da da. So he couldn't
get to his ten other bullet pointson his list that he hit through the
text message, So that conversation probablynever would have happened in person because she
would have stopped him saying this isbullshit, this is bullshit, and he
would have gotten knocked down and notfelt as macho and confident to talk about

(54:27):
his fucking boundaries which aren't boundaries inthe first place. Yeah, you know
that that's and I really like,I like that perspective to it. It
wasn't something that I had even occurredto me. But yeah, if you
had tried to have that text messageas a conversation, it would have been
shot down over and over and overagain, because no woman's gonna sit there,
and no person would sit there andlisten to that and just be like
uh huh uh huh and just likeand just go along with it. You
know they're gonna they're gonna push backon everything you have to say. And

(54:51):
so that that's a really good point. Um he did. He did at
one point say something I'd be like, I'm just trying to get you respect
my boundaries because you know, theseactions of yours are triggering my insecurity.
So like he's throwing around these thesethese you know, therapy terms and in
an attempt to try to get herto feel you know, empathy for him
and feel bad for him and guilttrip her into doing things, which she

(55:13):
followed along with. She went anddeleted posts and finally, I think I
don't know what at what point shewas like, fuck this, I'm done
with it. But she she waslike deleting post, and he was like,
what about this one where your assis hanging out and it's like it's
her in like an actual normal,like two piece bathing suit or even though
it might have even been one piece, but it wasn't even like it wasn't
a thong, not that that wouldmatter. It could be a thong too,
it would matter. But but buthe was like exaggerating every single thing

(55:36):
that it was too, which isjust that's that's when it starts becoming gaslighting.
When you started he starts exaggerating andstarts everything is everything's terrible that she's
doing. It's unfortunate because it gotto a point where he was chipping away
the things that she loved, youknow, to make himself feel more powerful.
And I think it goes back toa lot of these manipulators don't go

(55:58):
for people who don't feel super confidentabout themselves. I feel like they attack,
not attack, but they pursue womenwho feel one thousand percent about themselves.
They know themselves really well. Theycome into the relationship feeling like you're
equal, and then they start tryingto chip away at that so that they're
at the end of the day betterthan you, and so they like they
prey on people who already are liketo the sky the best and super confident,

(56:22):
and that's that's basically what he wasdoing her and chipping away her self
confidence, making her question all ofthese parts of their relationship until she finally
realized this is fucked up. Thisisn't who I am. I don't get
no man tells me what I shouldand shouldn't post on my fucking Instagram,
right, And I think I thinkthat's that's a huge thing that that happens

(56:43):
a lot with with with men doingthis, and it's crazy how much I
see this happen. But like aman sees a woman who is independent and
has like personality and spark and confidence, like utter amazing confidence and is just
like you know, is happy andsatisfied her own and all these things,
and they're like they're like they're attractedto it, understandably, so like it's

(57:05):
very those are all attractive traits.But what what someone who's healthy does is
then like if they if they endup somehow with that person because they're attracted
to it and there's mutual attraction,they support it and they encourage it because
those are the traits that attracted themin the first place. But abusive men
and insecurement and pathetic men men arecontrolling, you know, all all these
the kind of toxic men, Andwhat they decide they want to do is

(57:28):
like, all right, now Ihave this thing, and now I captured
you know, I captured this thing. Now let me just choke the life
out of her um you know,not physically, but like it, just
out of everything that made that madeher attractive to me. Let me get
rid of all of those things bynot allowing her, by telling, you
know, by controlling her and abusingher. And then they don't. They
say they're not attracted anymore as well. They're like, oh, well you

(57:49):
know you don't. You're not evenwho you used to exactly. And it's
like, what's stuck, Yeah,because they stripped all of those things out
and said, well you've changed,and it's like, bitch, you were
the one keeping me enclosed in thisthing the whole time. What the fuck
are you talking about. If youwant to just let your partner flourish and
love them for who they were whenyou were attracted to them when you first
started dating, it wouldn't be anissue. But I don't. It's just

(58:12):
problematic men. It doesn't matter ifyou're a fucking celebrity or just a random
person. At the end of theday, even if you're going to therapy,
you still have other shit to workon. Yeah, that's brings two
points that I want to say itand you know, and I see this
happen actually with dancers that are fairof mine all the time, where they
a guy meets some at the club, it starts dating them in the Meetia
is like, I don't want youto work on the club anymore, you
know, Like it's just like youknow immediately wants the fuck that's my income?

(58:36):
Yeah, you knew I was astripper or dancer before I started dating
you. Why is it now anissue because you're yourself your ego is just
so bruised because you can't stand othermen looking at me. You had no
problem when you were the other manand then then but they're like, well
but if you're talking to meet youwho you know, who else are you
going to talk to? It?It's just it's so it's it's it's pathetic.
It really is. It is patheticbehavior. And that's the other reason

(58:59):
that when you were like this wasI don't care about celebrity stuff, and
I was like, well, Idon't even think this is like the fact
that he's a celebrity has no,no, like almost no bearing on this.
Like if these were just a randomdude that some woman posted that went
viral, it would be worth talkingabout because this, right, it's because
a lot of this is subtle enoughthat you do have to talk about boundaries

(59:20):
versus control. Like, some ofthis is subtle enough because some of it
does feel like a boundary. It'sbut then it's in the way that he
tries to enforce it, where hetries to manipulate her, well, you
know, if you're willing to walkaway, or if you're willing to do
this because you can't respect my youknow whatever. When he starts trying to
guilt Tripper into this a manipulator,that's when it's like, oh no,
this has really becoming controlling because someof these that he's saying are basically like,

(59:40):
are some boundaries. But but thefact that he knew them ahead of
time, that he shifted the goalposts, that all these other things make
it into something that's not a boundary. And that's why it's kind of a
weird, subtle thing that I thinkwas important to talk about. Yeah,
and I mean maybe when he sentthese text messages, he truly didn't think
he was and the wrong and hereally did believe Maybe he still does believe

(01:00:05):
that he's not wrong. I don'tknow who. No statement has come out
from him after the fact. Yeah, it's probably best that he keeps his
fucking mouth shut. But at theend of the day, you can apologize
and try to be a better man, but if you're still speaking to someone
in this manner, you're really notactively trying to be better. And like
I said, he could have beenthinking that he was in the right,

(01:00:28):
but reading these messages back and goinghow can I hold myself accountable? How
can I actually enforce my own boundariesand turning it back on himself instead of
projecting on to other people his problemsis what he should be doing, And
I don't know, maybe still gota lot of work to do. And
you know that it's funny that kindof ties into as well that there's also

(01:00:50):
been a recent controversy on tik talkand stuff about about men who are woke
or men who are educated on therapyand aware of things and everything. How
they can't be trusted either, andyou know, you can't trust somebody just
because they've been to therapy and becausethey're aware of things, because that's somehow
maybe that's that's not somehow. Thatsometimes makes them more dangerous because they know
all the keywords, and they knowall the words to use, and they

(01:01:13):
know now they have the tools toactually do even more damage, whereas like
some moron who doesn't who's never beena therapy and thinks therapies for gay people,
you know, like wh who's notgoing to use words like trigger or
boundari's just gonna be like, youknow, I'll slap you if you ever
do that again. They make thatabuse very obvious, you know, like
their abuse is very obvious because it'sjust they don't know how to do anything
other they're just a blunt instrument.Whereas someone who actually has gone to therapy

(01:01:36):
and done all this, they havethe ability to like be kind of subtle
about it, and so then youget into that and so they're they're almost
it's more insidious to a degree,yeah, because they're making it seem like
they care and they're putting in thework and they're trying to improve versus I'm
going to slap you the next time, is obviously right obvious. It sounds
like it's like the obvious asshole versusthe kind of the secret the wolf wolf

(01:01:59):
and she clothing and and this issomething that we we I meant to talk
about this episode. We did itat all, but um like we had
it. We had recently. Ihad a like a woman who went through
our podcast and like and was liketrying to say, like, Adam's not
any better than he used to be. He's a terrible person still, and
was like trying to use examples likeour our earlier episodes, trying to like
that I like I forced you todrink and I did things like that even

(01:02:22):
though we were remote and things likethis. But like was trying to like
tie it all into, like youknow, into in behavior, being like,
look look how he's still doing thesethings and everything like that, because
she really wanted to be you know, she really does not believe that any
man ever could ever grow and learnand be a better person. And so
I think that, which I agreeto a degree, Like it's hard when
men say that they are that they'redoing better, or that they're better people.

(01:02:45):
You can't just listen to them.You actually have to take their whole
of their actions and their words andeverything into account. And he hears Jonah
Hill trying to go to therapy andbe a better person for himself and then
still being just as toxic and dangerousfor women. I mean, I do
think that, like I mentioned onthe Facebook post that I saw people supporting

(01:03:06):
him and standing up for him,they're seeing the therapy terms of boundary and
trigger and whatever, and they're probablynot that deep into their own personal journey
and thinking that that is the rightapproach because they don't know better either.
So they're just following by what anotherexample of solid male behavior when they're incorrect

(01:03:29):
as well. So I think it'simportant for anyone who saw those text messages
to point out how fucked up theyare to argue with men and say,
no, this is incorrect. Youshould not think that this is okay,
that you could say this to anotherperson and control them in these ways.
And I think I would be honestlya little weary of hanging around men who

(01:03:49):
think that this, like that conversationat least that one main text message was
okay, because they're probably portraying thatin their relationships as well, right in
some way, Yeah, no,and those are the guy because that was
like an in cell checklist, Likethat was like the it's like, you
know any of those like Terrible Menmale podcasts where they have like your ideal
woman, won't surf with men,won't take sexy photos, you know,

(01:04:11):
like like but that's like it reallyis like what they have these checklists for
women and it always goes back tophotos on fucking Instagram too. It's always
photos on Instagram hanging out with othergirls and hanging out with other men.
You just insert surfing into it andnow it's a it's the same fucking scenario.
It's so fucking stupid. It's becausethese men know what they want from

(01:04:32):
women on Instagram, like they becausethey're projecting, they're projecting the ship that
they do all the time, andso that that's really what it is.
They're taking the like and they're like, you know they are they are toxic
and they know it, and sothen they're like, well, we're terrible.
So we know that all men areterrible, so anything you do on
Instagram is all terrible and um,but yeah, it really is just and

(01:04:55):
especially with the greater context like Isaid, his text alone, or that
first text is terrible, but thenit gets worse and worse the more he
tries to manipulate her and create thisplace where she feels guilty for leaving.
That's coercion, that's abuse. Endof story. And so people really need
to learn. Like you said whatyou say about boundaries in the beginning,
like what is it like a boundaryis boundary is something you put on yourself,

(01:05:16):
not on someone else, exactly.Okay, Yeah, and that's that's
such a good way to phrase it. And so I think that's a good
thing. That's the thing to keepin mind about everything else. A boundary
is like the fence you put aroundyour own house. You're not fencing in
other people. You're fencing in yourown house, and you're retreating to you
within your fence whenever you need to. You're not putting a fence around someone
else being like, Okay, youcan only go in this little circle and

(01:05:38):
you're not allowed to go anywhere else. Because that makes me feel insecure when
you step outside of the fenced area. That's not acceptable behavior. Yeah,
I think it's also okay to sayI'm feeling insecure about this X y Z,
that was not this situation at all. But if you are feeling insecure,
have a fucking conversation with your partnerand address why you're feeling insecure.

(01:05:59):
It'll probably to something where you needto look inward and resolve that matter,
not your partner fixing it for you. But it's okay to like not be
macho man knows the answer to everythingand is always right. You're allowed to
be insecure. Everyone's insecure on something, So I think that's another takeaway as
well as no loving partner is goingto shoot on you and knock you down

(01:06:21):
and then still say that they careabout you. That's not a healthy relationship.
Yes, healthy relationships people or wherepeople trying to support the person that
they met and the person who youare, and they try to encourage those
aspects that they fell in love withher, that they were attracted to in
the first place. And like yousaid, it's amazing how it sometimes just
boils down a communication that if hehad instead had a conversation with her about

(01:06:42):
this and actually talked to her aboutit in an honest way instead of trying
to manipulate her, then none ofthis probably would have happened. A side
note, No sane person is goingto send ten to fifteen text messages in
a row all stating demands. Nobodyin their right mind sends messages like that.
Yeah, that's that's abusive too.You know, there really is like
it. It's just like, yeah, it's you see a long, a

(01:07:05):
long thread like that. You're like, either they're very emotional and like they're
sad, or they're they're off,they're fucking rocker. They just need to
pick up the phone and have acon like I said, have the conversation.
Yeah, with the not shout yourmessage one sided through text message.
Absolutely, I agree. So Ithink that, yeah, you know,

(01:07:28):
I think this was one of thosethings that it was kind of important to
talk about because it has some subtletyto it, and there's a lot of
men defending it, and that's sayinga lot about their behavior. So I
think it's very important to understand whythis is toxic, why it's abusive,
why it's controlling, and why thisis should men that if you're listening to
this, this is not the JonahHill that you want to die on.
You'll die on that joke, though, I will absolutely die on that joke.

(01:07:51):
Well, if you have any thoughts, feelings, other emotions that you
want to just get off your chestand tell us more about, you can
always called the DKs Hotline at fouroh seven five one nine zero one eight
one. You can also send usa detailed email of your thoughts and feelings
at Dating kind of Sucks Podcast atgmail dot com. And you know if

(01:08:13):
you want to DM us on TikTokor Instagram. Our instagram is at Dating
kind of Sucks, and Adams TikTokis at Adam Invitable and mine is at
Simply Sarah Gy. We can shareother tiktoks with you on positive behavior,
like Adam already did a whole TikTokon this entire subject, so go watch
that. If you want more JonahHill controversy content. That's right, man,
it is crazy controversial in there too. Of my comments it's insane.

(01:08:35):
I haven't seen them, but Ibet yeah. You can also join our
Facebook group. We'd love to foryou to join the discussion. We've got
a couple of thousand people in therethat are always getting advice and giving advice
and looking for help. And that'sat Facebook dot com slash group slash DKs
podcast. If you want to supportus on Patreon for five dollars a month
that helps us keep this podcast going. And that's Patreon dot com slash DKs

(01:08:55):
podcast. And then finally, Iwould love if you've if you've been listening
for a while and you have notgiven us a rating or review on iTunes,
it is time to do it.A five star rating and review would
be a big help. And ifyou're on Spotify, you can click follow
and if they ask you to rateus and you give us five stars there
as well. I think that's it. Yeah, I think that's it.
We'll be back, Like I said, either either I'm coming back with a
Lone Wolf episode in two weeks sowhich I haven't really decided. We'll be

(01:09:17):
back in a month with a witha brand new episode on Sarah returns from
her summer vak oh yeah, welcomeuntil next sun. Whether you're married or
single or pobbi, you're right hangingout, which maner back of your place?
Listen to us that's been getting noa tender and bubble up. Plenty
of young trying and trying and havinga luck because we all know dating kind

(01:09:41):
of sucks. Sarah and Adam ourduobkind says dupid shit, and she doesn't
mind. They're not doing what thisshow to make any buck life as a
chickenoos as they bucked, So whydoes it work? We'll hear with the
ruck. Are they both know datingkind of sucks? Dating kind of sucks

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