Making Friends

Episode Transcript
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(00:02):
Hi, I'm Sarah and I'm Adamheath Visible. This is Dating kind of
Sucks, a podcast about dating,sex, and relationships. This week we'll
be talking about how to make friendsusing dating apps and other resources. Enjoy
the show whether you're married, oursingle, or pare are hanging on with's
man BacT of your place, listento us and begetting a tender and mumble

(00:25):
up plenty of young trying and tryingand having to luck because we all know
dating kind of sucks. Thanks forjoining us for another episode of Dating kind
of Sucks. If you're new toDKs, my name is Adam and I'm
a comedian, writer, and misogynistturn feminist, joined by my co host
Sarah, who is a millennial traveljunkie and serial dater now in a committed

(00:48):
relationship. We're not professionals, doctors, or experts, just two people sharing
our perspectives on the world of dating, sex, and relationships. The first
half of every episode is spent catchingup on what's happening in our lives,
and the second half is reserved forthe episode's main topic. So if that's
all that brought you here, youcan skip through the halfway mark, or
you can stick around and enjoy thewhole show. Let's get started. It's

(01:11):
twenty twenty three and season six isAdam likes to call it. We're back
rolling your eyes that the season six. Yes, we are on season six.
Every year starts a new season.It just makes things nice and clean.
Yeah, it's easier. It alsolets us know, like last year
we put out what thirty two episodes, we were rolling at the front half
of the year, and then lifehappened and then yeah, yeah, doing

(01:34):
it weekly was I mean, itwas fun, but it was also just
overalls. Yeah, the amount ofplanning that goes into into that. And
then I'd like to eventually get backinto some of our interviews because I really
enjoyed those. But we're gonna haveto do it in a way that is
good for us, and it worksworks best for us, right, So,
yes it is. It is Januaryand we're recording this the second week

(01:59):
of January right now, and thenI think this might be our only episode
this month because if we can cramsomething else in, but who knows.
We've Yeah, we both had vacationscoming up. I'm going to Vegas for
my birthday. Um, so yeah, we'll have to figure it out.
We might try to cram another onein here, but if not, don't
worry. We'll we'll be back,you know, just in time. We'll
go away, go away about you. We're just gonna go down to once

(02:22):
a month. No, No,I'm sure we won't. I'm sure we'll
be we'll be doing well. Let's, um, let's talk about what's been
going on each of ours. Yeah, let's let's get into that. There
is a lot um and I'm tryingto decide how much people who follow me
on other social media know what's goingon, what's been going on my life.
But just for the you know,those of you who do not,

(02:43):
um, although I would highly recommendit, you know, follow me on
Instagram or Twitter or I'm on postnow, I'm on Mastodon, I'm on
all the Twitter alternatives. With ElonMusk burning into the ground, I only
use Twitter now just for just forcontrolling Elon. By the way, that's
eiling really that I do now justbecause it's fun. But yes, if
you haven't been following along, I'vebeen here in Utah as a caretaker to

(03:04):
my mother, who was diagnosed withINCREDI cancer a couple of years ago.
And so I've been here just youknow, cooking meals, helping my dad
out as well, because you know, he's getting a little bit older,
so making sure he's he's doing okay. And then you know, we knew
that there would be an end coming, and so you know, it happened,
of course, during the holidays.I didn't talk about this before,

(03:25):
but back in September, she wasgiven two weeks to live because they said
it had spread to her liver.She started um having a lot of itching,
like under the skin itching, andthey said that was due to her
bild duck being blocked, I think, And so it's a way to know
that it's kind of spread. Andso the you know, they told her
she had two and two weeks tolive, I think without actually seeing her.

(03:46):
They told her this over the phone, which is wonderful. Thanks for
that being so impersonal but great.And then so we got all the family
together and everybody got ready for hertoo, you know, just to apparently
somehow go from not health she was, you know, she was obviously sick,
but like all of a sudden justto just die immediately, and it
didn't happen. We didn't really expecther to see Halloween. But she did.

(04:08):
She made through Halloween, she madethrough Thanksgiving, made it through Christmas,
and made it through New Year's.But in the end, she died
on January first, so just lastweek. And it was, you know,
it was it was like it wassomething we expected and my father and
I were prepared for. We Iwould say, our Christmas and New Years
was pretty fucking miserable because we basicallyspent at all. Like I would,

(04:30):
I would go over there and givehim a break so he could go and
like shower and get out of housefor a little bit, but then he
basically would take up a position ina chair next to her bed for the
for the entirety of of of theother time that I wasn't there. So
it was it was kind of itwas just exhausting and just you know,
just sitting there and just just watchingher not be herself, not really you
know, want yeah, not herself, not be in a life that you
would want anyone to live. Itwas it was really you know, in

(04:53):
it. And so it's a it'sactually been a relief that she has finally
like gone because she's no longer inpain, Like you know, I think
that it was good for the restof the family that came out and saw
in September when she was still youknow, having full conversations and playing scrabble
and hang out with her grandson andall that, because they wouldn't have wanted
to see her like this, andit was it was it was something that

(05:13):
it was like, is a relief, it is something that was a burden
due to see it like that,because you don't want anybody to be like
that. So uh yeah. Sothat was January first, which of course
is classic my mother because in Septembershe was given when she was given two
weeks to live, I made avideo and like a memorial video that I
put together and it wasn't sure theexact date of her death, but I
knew what year it would be,so I put her birth year to twenty

(05:36):
twenty two, and of course shelasted until the next day, so I
had to go and re edit thevideo for twenty twenty three. I was
like, thanks, bum and I'msure that was on purpose, but um
so, yeah, that's that's notlike the sad parts that I've been going
to, you know, I've beengoing through, but I'm kind of I'm
okay I'm like, you know,I've I've kind of had my own closure

(05:56):
and everything like that. We've beenkind of just going through the process now,
going through everything, and it justkind of a maybe a story that
will illustrate what I have been goingthrough beyond simply being a caretaker for my
mother, and essentially I'm here withmy father as well. And I told
my mother that I would make surehe's okay before I leave, and I

(06:19):
probably won't hit the road till thespring. But he asked me to clean
out her room because he didn't reallywant to, and I said, sure,
I'm happy to. This is beforeall the rest of the family got
into town. So I started cleaningeverything up, you know, going through
all the boxes and stuff that shehad. You know, she had just
all these things. You know,my mother had forty three different bottles of
ocean and you know, sixteen differentchap sticks and all this sudden and all

(06:42):
the stuff. And in all ofthe things that I was finding and organizing,
I found a medical grade bag thathad a singular tooth in it.
All right, right, yeah,okay? Yeah, And then and you
didn't miss hear me, ye withall the lotions and everything else, ye,
just a random small plastic bag witha tooth in it, like a
full tooth too, Like, youknow, I don't think people realize them.

(07:03):
There's how long teeth are when youpull them. But yeah, and
I said, it's like Dad andI walk out and I and I show
it to him, and I'm like, why the hell did mom just have
a tooth? Here goes Yeah,they pulled it. I guess they must
have given it to her if shewanted it, you know, and she's
her mother, she was a nurse. She probably like, you know,
that's things that she didn't you knowwhatever. And I do seem remember when

(07:24):
she got like some gallstones one timeshe asked for them. She had him
at a little bottle. So,you know, I was like, okay,
you know, my mother's morbid.She's always been morbid. That's where
I got my darksiness humor. That'scool. So I was like, all
right, well I'm gonna I'm gonnathrow this away, right, and my
father says, no, no,no, give it to me. I
want it, all right. SoI'm gonna leave it to the audience to

(07:45):
think for a second. And Ijust want everyone to see if they can
think of any reason that my fathermight want that. What the ideas might
you have about why he might wantthat a piece you know, just like
having ashes, I guess, apiece of her I don't. I mean,
I could really think. I waslike, okay, you know,
I know you. I told Lisa, And he was like, does she

(08:05):
want to does he want to makeit into a necklace and like wear it
around? You know? And Iwas like, okay, yeah, okay,
no, none of those things.I said, what do you want
it for? He goes, well, that's like a that's an old feeling
that she had, like from backin the day when they used real gold.
So I can sell this thing.I could go sell this tooth and
get fifty dollars for it. Fiftydollars, come on. So I'm wondering.

(08:31):
And I did not ask my fatherthis, but I thought this.
I'm absolutely did think. Was hedown at the funeral home saying, hey,
can you make sure you yank outall of her teeth and given to
me first, because I don't knowthat could be two hundred bucks worth of
gold in her mouth before you creamateeher, Like I really wonder. I
don't think he did, but Iwouldn't put it past him. I just
can't imagine him going to a pawnshop, like, I know, going,

(08:52):
what can I get this? Thisis yeah, I've just recently been
widowed and this is you know,this is I'm a widower now and this
is my widows or this is mythis is my you know, my my
my dead wife's tooth. Can youtake the gold out of this and give
me money? Like I mean,it's just like the whole concept of it,
like you think, what can theydo? I don't. I just

(09:16):
don't understand how he's going to getmoney from that. That's a weird.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know either, But but
I really was like, well,dad, you're missing out on all the
gold. I mean, I'm sureshe had other feelings too, like what
the hell I mean, did sheever have surgery? There might be some
titanium parts and her, like,you know, an elbow or something that
could be worth the money on theblack market. Who the hell? Like
it's just at some at some pointit's like okay, you know, let's

(09:43):
just like maybe let's just move pastthat. Let it go. You know,
yes, not everything is something thatyou need to try to make money
off of. So that um thatthat illustrates I think what my life has
been like is trying to really figureout what what craziness is going to come?
You know, what's gonna happen,What are we gonna sell next?

(10:03):
You know who knows? I mean, it's just I really have no idea.
Depends on what you find. Yes, yes, And you know,
actually this would be a good thingto ask my ask listeners because someone who
listens might have an idea. Theone thing that I that I feel really
bad about is that we have ashitload of drugs now because I'm not talking
opiates. You know, there's obviouslythere was you know, my mother was

(10:24):
taking pain pain pills and everything,but beyond that, she also took she
was diagnosed diabetic after the after becauseof the because of the pain, cretic
tumor, and so she has aton of insulin, and then she has
things like there's a pill called Creonthat you have to take in order to
basically it helps the pain creas actto make sure that you have essentially healthy

(10:46):
bowel movements. And she had totake one every time she took a like
a meal, like four times aday she was taking one of these pills
and their giant horse bills and Ithink they they cost hundreds and hundreds of
dollars for every prescription and they're goingto go to waste, and I like,
I really hate the idea of throwingthem away, but I cannot find
any resource. And like, howyou I'm sure there's a family there who
could use insulin, you know,a family, because I know insulin's one

(11:07):
of those big things that people gowithout insulin because they can't use it.
Or I'm sure there's a you know, people who could probably use the creon
but just basically live their lives sittingon the toilet when they eat food because
they can't take this pill. Andso I don't know. I wish there
was some type of way, andmaybe there is that I'm not unaware of.
Not illegal, that's not illegal,well, or I mean it can

(11:28):
be illegal, honestly, Like Idon't I don't really feel like, let's
be honest, I really don't care. Like, but um, you know,
I don't want to be out theresell an oxy or something, but
like you know, if I was, it's something that I could donate or
somehow find a family that could benefitfrom it. I would, I would
want to because it just feels likesuch a waste, you know, like
these meds. And I don't knowwhat the legality is, but there should

(11:48):
be some type of way to doa charity or something where like people like
can donate non opiate type pills tobenefit people who need Yeah, when you
brought this, I had never thoughtabout that before, for because never occurred
to me. Yeah, drop themoff because you know, don't flush them,
drop them off at a designated placeand be done with them. But
yeah, if they're not opiates,there's something else that's also equally expensive,

(12:11):
Like can you do anything with them? I don't know, right, So
I mean the oxy. I've justbeen feeding into um a little deer food
and just tossing around for the deerbecause I just want to see him.
We can get a rampaging herd ofoxy addicted Deerhut. I want to.
I want to, you know,see they can make a new movie like
that new Cocaine Bear movie that's comingout and coin Bear. Have you seen

(12:35):
him story? Oh yeah, Ican't wait to go see it. But
it's based on a bear who actuallyate like a pound of cocaine. Now
that bear died like an hour later, um from doing it, and I'm
sure this bear is gonna die inthe movie too. But I'm like,
yeah, we could have Oxy Deercoming to you from Utah. It'll be
the Cocaine Bear. I was like. When I saw The Cocaine Bear,

(12:58):
I think I was like, wow, I don't original movie idea. I
know, I know it's so insane. So anyways, that's just a small
snipp of what's been going on inmy life. And yeah, I'm gonna
I'm looking forward to being in Utahand be able to, like, I
want to finish the book that I'vebeen working on, and I feel like
I'll have a little more time.I haven't left my condo in two full

(13:20):
days because my brother's sister here.They're helping my dad go through stuff.
And I was like, that's yourresponsibility. I'm taking a break. And
by taking a break, they thoughtI was gonna go out and party or
something. I'm like, no,fuck, no, I just I just
want to not talk to anybody fora little while. Yeah, so understandable.
Yeah, here we are, andwhat's going on in your life now
that you're living in the high lifein Seattle. I mean, nothing crazy,

(13:46):
to be honest, It's like everytime people ask, I'm just laying
low, just settling in still andfiguring things out and trying to make friends,
which is another reason why we're havingthis episode leads right to this episode,
right, this episode. So manythings in our life like lead to
like we're like, how do wedo this, Let's do it on an
episode about it. Yeah, Imean, so I've been, you know,
trying to figure out where I feelcomfortable as far as like workout studios,

(14:11):
trying to meet people, and thenthe holidays in between all of that,
so it's kind of been. Imean, November is a terrible time
to move just because of all theholidays and stuff. It's hard to feel
grounded in a new space as you'redealing with everything else, kind of uprooting
your life. Um. But outsideof that, UM some fun not fun
neighborhood stuff. There's a local catthat is thinking we're the owners, and

(14:37):
uh I have It's just just prettymuch. Yeah, it's just been an
ongoing saga since we moved in becauseRoy's allergic and it starts. It's actually
funny how it started off. It'slike, what Roy's allergic? He wants
nothing to do with the cat.Only see the cat outside, don't do
anything. And then one night we'reout of dinner, He's like, it's
gonna get really cold tonight. Whatare we gonna do about this cat?

(15:00):
And I'm like, what do youmean? You hate cats? You you're
allergic? What do you mean whatwe're gonna do? So then it,
you know, was downstairs in myspace because it can't be in roy space.
So it's down here for the nightbecause it was you know, thirty
degrees and the cat was crying infront of our door, so like,
what are we gonna do? Leaveit outside? So then it turned into
okay, well it's staying overnight,so I need a litter box, and

(15:22):
I need some kind of food forit. It looks like it's being fed,
but you know, I don't know. I don't know who owns this
fucking cat. Then it turns intowe're gonna be you know, away for
a while, coming up, andRoy's like, so what are we gonna
do about this cat? Because ifthis cat? Oh, and neighbors keep
coming by thinking it's our cat,telling us, hey, your cat's outside,

(15:43):
bring your cab inside and us havingto say it's not our fucking cat.
Please mind your goddamn business. Oldladies coming up saying, Hey,
your cat's so cute, or canI adopt this cat since you guys seem
to not want it, all ofus just saying it's not our fucking cat.
So yesterday, with like I don'tknow the fire under my ass.
To get all of these things done, I took this cat in my car

(16:07):
and drove it to the vet tosee if it had a chip. It
does not have a chip, sothat sucks. So then I leave notes
for all of my neighbors like,come on, is this anybody's cat?
Like I figured I would have knownby now, because I just haven't seen
my neighbors out and about. Ifeel like we go on walks all the
time when we're always outside of thehouse, I never see them. So
I leave notes, and last nightI get a text from one of my

(16:30):
neighbors saying, oh, that's ourcat. You know, he doesn't get
along with the dog very well,and he just likes being outside more than
being inside because of his relationship withthe dog. So the cat just stays
outside, and I'm like, thefuck like does the dog, Like,
does the cat really like being outsideor is it just because you guys favor
the dog. Because the cat iscrying at our door at all hours of

(16:53):
the day and night, Like fromwhen I wake up at five thirty,
it's fucking crying to when I goto sleep. It's like trying to be
inside and whatever. And yes,we have fed the cat, but like
we leave it. We don't likeit didn't start off this way. It's
just like the second we moved in, the cat was like, oh,
a new person, you know.So I just feel like it's a lonely
I don't know. I get nastylooks from neighbors. I get people asking

(17:15):
if they can adopt it. NowI know it's somebody's cat, and they,
in my opinion, do a shitjob of taking care of their fucking
cat. They probably do a shitjob because everyone else lets it into their
house when it gets too cold,and so they're like, Wow, that
cat really doesn't care about the weather, does it, or something like that,
which is just ridiculous. It's socrazy to me. Well, the
fact that cat comes to your doorto wine when it gets cold means that
whoever lived there before you must havelet that cat inside all the time.

(17:37):
Oh yeah, I fucking bet theydid so, but I feel bad like
it now the cat, Like,if the cat comes inside our house,
I'm like kicking it out because Idon't want the neighbors now to think that
we're stealing their cat. It's justa weird I hate it. I just
hate all of it. And thiscat is so sweet, and we're ready
to give it to another family yesterdaybecause we had people lined up who wanted

(17:57):
this cat, and then finally yourneighbors like, oh no, it's our
cat. I'm like, put afucking chip in your chip, your fucking
cat number one that you didn't do, and give it a callar or something
because everybody just thinks it's astray eventhough it's so friendly. I don't know,
it's just I agree it should actuallyhave a callar you because there are
three callers too that you wanted tohave, so it like doesn't you know,

(18:18):
necessarily get sick. But also,um, yeah, it sounds like
they don't give a shit about it. You should have just given the cat
away to a fan, to areal family, and then if they text
you again say oh we didn't knowso well, I think other neighbors were
gonna take the cat anyways, Likethis, this elderly woman came to our
door and said, my cat recentlydied. And I walked past your house
every day, and this cat seemsso nice. I didn't think it was

(18:38):
your cat. Can I take thiscat home? And Roy and I are
like, I mean, if youwant it. This was two weeks.
We were like, yeah, ifyou want it, and then she never
came back. But it's every weeksomeone knocks on her door about this fucking
cat. Every I love that youwent from living in Nashville in a building
for a year with the only personyou knew in the building was another guy

(18:59):
you bang, to being in ahouse and west in like in West Seattle,
and then within two months getting intocat drama. Yeah, with with
all the old neighbors, the nastylooks, I'm not gonna be nice anymore.
This morning I got the nastiest lookfrom someone as this. I opened
the door because the cat was crying, so I was just gonna like peek

(19:21):
out, maybe let it in,and the woman standing there with her dog
just like, how dare you leavethat animal out? And I look at
her was like no, Katie,you can't come in. But what I
should have said is mind your ownfucking business and keep walking your god damn
dog. You can't like it wasjust like it was just such a nast
that's how you make friends. Yeah, I'm not sure. And then you
made the comment You're like, Ibet you. You're like all over next

(19:42):
door and all of the Facebook groupslike this house, they're not taking care
of their cat. Da da dada da. So I'm sure I'm sure
of it. I know. Yeah, when when when animal control comes over
for neglet you know, they're gonnabe like, we have a it looks
like you've been neglecting your your petor something, and you're gonna have to
explain cat. God damn it.Well that's what I don't want to happen.

(20:03):
If like, because we went awayto Portland for the weekend and I
was worried that, you know,someone was going to call it in or
so it's like anytime we leave thehouse for an excited period of time,
now I'm worried someone's going to beknocking. So I'm like, do I
leave a note saying no, it'snot our fucking cat, Like I don't
know, just put a giant signingdo it and said this is not our
fucking cat. We don't want it. If you want it, please take

(20:25):
take it and give it a goodhome, and just do put that on
your front door. Well, Iwas talking shit with you on the phone
earlier today and I know the neighbors. They have a dog. And I
walked past like four people walking theirdogs down my street and I'm like,
I betually one of them had tobe my neighbors. As I'm like,
these fucking neighbors with their fucking cat, and I'm like, oh, I

(20:45):
didn't really think about that. ThenI could be best those neighbors. I'm
a terrible person. Oh. Idon't wait to see where this this ends
up, because I feel like it'sjust going to get more complicated and it's
going to get worse somehow. I'mtelling you, animal control will be next.
We're gonna get a letter and someshit and I'm gonna have to be
like, dude, please take theWell, I don't I don't know the

(21:06):
that was like, you know,you could just you know, give it
to another family or take it toan animal shelter, but you know they
could end up killing it. I'mlike, yeah, no, well,
let's not kill the cat. It'sjust now, this is my fucking burden
to bear whatever. Yeah, andyou know everybody's alluded to cats in some
capacity, so Roy can just takesome claret and may be fine. Oh
he likes the cat, now,that's the thing. I know. Of

(21:29):
course, you hated it from thebeginning of Hi Kitty and one pet.
Now he's oh, look at thecat and no, no, he won't
pick it up or anything, buthe'll pet it for a long period of
time. I mean, it's nicetime to wash his hands. Yeah,
he's run through stuff really quickly lately. Yeah, but that's about what Yeah,
yeah, how lovely. Um wellthat will lead very well to our

(21:49):
topic, which we will get toeventually. Um. We have a few
other things to get to before weget into how to make friends and uh
and and using Sarah's bout how notto make friends as well, get off
my fucking lawn, let's see.Before we get into that, I want
to give a quick shout out toa few of the countries where we popped

(22:10):
up on their charts and the lastmonth. That is, um huge shout
out to Nigeria, Barbados, Sloveniaand Greece, so I know we've been
in a few of those. Butthere's someone someone's over there binging the podcast
and I appreciate you. And thenwe had an email from a listener recently,
and we do have a couple ofvoicemails to go through in a future

(22:30):
episodes. So if you have lefta voicemail you you know you we will
get to what I promise. Ifyou want to leave us a voicemail,
you can always. First of all, I can emails at Dating kind of
Sucks podcast at gmail dot com.Adam answer, it's been a month.
Yes, Sarah forgot how to login yesterday. I had to tell her.
Yeah. Um, And if youwant to listen to or if you
want to leave us an actual voicemailthat we can play on air, you

(22:52):
can do that. And the DKshotline is four oh seven five one nine
zero one eight one. So wehave an email from a listener who's a
man who reached out to us.He said, I am contacting you because
I need some help. I amtwenty four years old and I have never
been on a single date. I'venever had my first kiss or anything.

(23:12):
And it comes from severe childhood trauma, extreme lack of self confidence, and
being overweight. I also was froma small town I'm Assippi, so there
was not a ton of opportunities fordating. Since then, I have lost
nearly one hundred pounds. I movedto a new city in Knockville, and
I have since started playing rugby andI have a new found confidence. I
figured I would give him to try, and I'm honestly getting a ton of

(23:33):
matches. Just nothing productive is comingfrom these matches. I know it's my
fault because once the conversation is prettymuch done, I don't think that next
step in asking them out, mainlybecause I don't really know how, because
in the back of my mind,I'm still this fat kid with no confidence.
I think I'm also afraid that onceI do finally go on a date,
she will realize I have no experienceand they might think that's weird.

(23:56):
Finally, I match with this absolutelygorgeous woman events asked her out. To
my surprise, she said yes.Don't get me wrong, I don't think
I'm a bad looking dude. I'msix too. I work out every day
and I've been told by multiple peoplewhile going out to bars and whatnot that
I am attractive, but I'm stillin shock that she said yes to me
asking her out. My dilemma isthat this girl is out of town visiting
family until the end of January.That means there's basically a month before we

(24:18):
can go on a date. Ijust do not know how often I should
be messaging her in the meantime.I do have her number, but obviously
we aren't dating. I know messagingevery day is too much, but I
don't know if messaging her too lesswould be an issue or not. I
also know once the date happens,I will be so scared because it will
be my very first one. Anyadvice, Well, first off, I'm

(24:40):
really happy to hear that he's gainingconfidence. And having the confidence to even
download a dating app and put yourselfout there in that type of way is
a big step and a lot ofwork to build up too, so I
think that was that's good. Ialso think because he doesn't have a lot
of dating experience, and because thetimeline short now it's what January tenth,

(25:00):
if he hasn't already gone on adate with her, that this is the
time to rip the band aid off. I think you can shake off the
nerves of this first one and see, okay, you know this is how
it's gonna go. And don't getso invested in the end result like you
might want a relationship, don't don'tfocus on that, focus on the baby

(25:21):
steps of okay, asking someone out, okay, going on a date,
like why not try it with thisperson? You seem to like her through
conversations and to the text point,don't worry about how much. Just text
like you would your friends, youknow. Just be simple with it and
just ask to grab drinks or doyou want to hang out at whatever event
you know, if there's an eventin town or whatever. If I don't

(25:42):
know, something super casual to justmeet up. It doesn't have to be
this let me take you to thisfancy dinner and make this big event of
first date whatever. Just take itslow and be chill about it and rip
the band aid off with this person. Yeah, I agree, I think
that you know, he says,you know, his his issue is this

(26:03):
whole messaging thing. No, wehave a lot of other issues to talk
about here, buddy. Yeah.Um, let's let's let's start with that.
First of all, the fact thatyou haven't been dating at all.
That's okay, you know, it'snot a big deal. Um, it's
okay to be nor nervous. It'snatural to be nervous. You'll be nervous.
Start going on dates, you'll benervous the next three dates you got,
you know what I mean? Yeah, exactly, exactly, So you
need to start going on dates likeThat's that's actually the biggest suggestion I have

(26:26):
is stop out, you know,on these hinge when hinge conversations are you
know, when they're going well andthe person seems interested, then just take
the leap and say, so,you know, would you like to grab
a drink some night? Would youlike to and and be specific and if
they say yes, say okay,um, my Thursday is free. Would
you like to meet at seven pmat this place or whatever? Like,
try to try to make be confident, set set like the actual you know

(26:48):
schedule, this is what we're goingto do. And people respond positively that
and if they say no, howabout this time, then roll with it
and say okay, that's fine too, you know, and whatever they want
as well, and you know,meet meet up, go on dates,
because I'll tell you your first oneis probably gonna be terrible. Yeah,
I mean it's very likely gonna beYeah exact, it's gonna be good.
Yeah, it's you're gonna say weirdthings they might react to weird. I

(27:11):
mean, weird shit's probably gonna happen. But then you'll be like, oh,
I know, not to do thatagain. And then the next one
it's just like I don't know,dating one oh one, this is your
intro class, you know, andthe next step you won't do some of
the things you did in the firstone. And yeah, exactly. I
mean my first date with uh,with with my ex wife was I was

(27:32):
you know, I was first out. So that was my first date as
an adult and I was twenty oneand you know, nervous, and it
was awkward and weird, um andand everything, and you know, it
did. We did have other futuredates obviously, and then got married.
But then my after I got divorced, it was ten years later and I
was going on my next first dateand it was another kind of awkward.
It was fun, but it waslike once we got into it and kind

(27:52):
of you know, got into theconversation, it was great, but like
it was I was so nervous forthe for it and you're going to be
as well, so you needed themore you do it, the easier it
is. It's like just like withanything, So get some dates in there
before you even go on to datewith her, just to get them out
of the way. But also yeah, as far as texting her, as
far as messaging her, it justyou know, if you have anything interesting
to say, is say it,you know, and ask her how she's

(28:12):
doing. Ask her, you know, if you had anything interesting worth like
talking about, you can you canmessage her. You can always ask her
to I don't know. If you'rea phone person, you can always say,
hey, you know, do youlike to talk on the phone,
because sometimes people do, some peopledon't, and you want to respect that
and some people do. So it'sjust a matter of, you know,
just figure out a communication style thatworks. And I would say, you

(28:33):
know, the one thing and thisis something that that rubbed me a little
bit wrong on your email that Iwanted to mention is that, like you
you're saying, these people are youknow that you're meet matching people. You're
like, well, she's absolutely gorgeous. That's not a reason to date somebody,
you know, like you're you know, just if they're interesting, if
they have a good conversation. Youknow that, you know they can be
attractive, you know you find themattractive, But that shouldn't be the reason

(28:55):
you want to go out with themis so you have arm Candy is not
the right approach. Now, it'salso going to take some like self talk
of I'm worthy of meaningful connections nomatter what the person looks like, so
like they're like we've talked about inprevious episodes, there is no like rating
of oh he's at ten, Ohhe's a nine, Oh he's like it's

(29:17):
shitty to say, you know,oh I'm dating at ten or whatever.
Don't be fixated on the looks.Yes, looks do help, but don't
say, oh, you know,I never thought i'd be bagging a ten
or whatever. It's not. Yeah, let's avoid using numbers at all if
I can't. And and the otherthing to keep in mind too, is
that everybody has in securities. Everybody'sflawed, everybody gets nervous um, including

(29:41):
including really extremely attractive women. Infact, some of them sometimes are the
most insecure because they never know ifsomeone's interested in them as human beings or
just based on their looks. Sothey're you know, they have a lot
of issues with that. So justbe yourself, be respectful, be kind,
and and just just try to relaxa little bit, I think,
and practice practice at dating first orfor that good first kiss's first time having

(30:03):
sex, not that first date,which the first first date ever, I'm
not that good. So don't putso much pressure on yourself, because yeah,
it's it's gonna be a fun learningexperience and that's what it's all about.
Yep, exactly. So thank youfor emailing. If you have a
question you'd like answered, you're gonnaemail us at Dating kind Of Sucks Podcast
at gmail dot com. And ofcourse you can always call us on the

(30:26):
DCS hotline at four oh seven fiveone nine zero one eight one. And
with that, we'll be right backwith What to See with Sarah g.
Yeah, so this week's What toSee with Sarah Gee. We are going
to be exploring Saint Louis, Missouri. I've been here a lot. My
brother lives in Saint Louis. Ithink it's a very underrated town in terms

(30:49):
of smaller cities to visit in theUnited States. And Adam lived in Saint
Louis while he was going to lawschool, so you have some insight in
things to do or not to doin Saint Louis. So this will be
fun. Okay, great, Sowe'll start with a little bit of a
backstory on Saint Louis. It's commonlyreferred to as the gateway to the West

(31:11):
because it was the fame jumping offpoint for the Louisiana purchase expedition of Lewis
and Clark. And there's actually atown right outside of Saint Louis called Saint
Charles, and it's apparently the officialspot that has a sign and everything stating
Lewis and Clark. So if you'rereally into that, go to Saint Charles.
It's a suburb outside of Saint Louis. Anyways, the city started with
a lot of French influence and inthe eighteen hundreds gained Irish and German immigrants

(31:34):
who laid roots in the city.Which fun fact, there are seventy nine
different neighborhoods throughout Saint Louis, andin some you can actually really tell the
influence of the different cultures. Likethere's one neighborhood called the Hill, which
is the Italian area. It's it'sa pretty cool place to just drive around
and see how different there's like VirginMary statues sitting outside every house they all

(31:56):
have. It's so funny. Itis very Italian. Yeah, but yeah,
outside of the history of the city, there is one monument that really
drives the point home of the gatewayto the west, and that is the
Saint Louis Arch that is right nextto the Mississippi River. And with the
city and the arch, they actuallyput a lot of building code up so
you can't build any structure taller thanthe arch. So as you're driving throughout

(32:20):
the city, you'll see the archof like, hey that's the arch.
Hey that's maybe that's just what mybrother does. But you can see it
throughout many parts of the city,which I also think is pretty cool.
And as far as if you shouldvisit the arch because it's like the main
attraction, yes you should. Youcan actually take an elevator up to the
top. Adam, have you donethis? Have you? If? Number

(32:42):
one, I don't do touristy shit. And secondly, I'm not getting into
some little small elevator that was builtin what nineteen would ever to go to
the top of a no fun fact, did you know, this is just
me remembering from the tour they becauseOSHA standards didn't exist during that time.
The photos they have of them buildingthe arch, I'm like, I'm surprised
nobody died building this because there waspeople are just hanging from you know,

(33:07):
ropes and stuff putting the arch together. Anyways, Um, you could definitely
take the elevator to get up.I would just be, you know,
a little cautious if you're claustrophobic,because it's kind of an egg shaped elevator
that has four seats inside, andyou might have to like hunch over.
But if you're there and you havesome free time worth checking out. Now,

(33:28):
let's start with police. What sayyou say that you'd have to hunch
over too, Like it's like youknow your car, Like if you think
it's small, then I can't onlyimagine, Yeah, there's no way I
would ever do it. Well,let's move on the places to eat.
Um, I have a lot offavorite spots, and then there's a few
more popular spots that I think areokay. But I'm still gonna mention this

(33:50):
as well. And I'm no foodcritic, but these are just my top
picks. Um. First, upis the most Midwestern thing you'll ever hear
me talk about, and that isa place called Twisted Ranch. Um,
you guess it. Ranch. That'sa Midwestern thing. They offer thirty three
homemade ranch sauces. Is you canorder a sampler of ranch sauces that come

(34:10):
with thirteen different flavors and a basketof fries. So when you're there,
order that and then order a mealthat comes with a side of fries,
so you can just have all thefries to dip in your ranch. It's
a good time. I mean,like it's it's the I'm sad when I
don't go there when I'm in SaintLouis, I'm sad that I've never been
there because I definitely that I mean, I would just want to forget the
frieses. Can you just spoon inthe sauces? And yeah, they're like

(34:35):
little shot. Yeah. Yeah.The next spot to check out is Mission
Taco Joint. At certain times theyhave a happy hour and an after ten
pm menu that offers two dollars tacosand two dollars tequila shots. I went
here for a bachelotte party. Um, this is a good call. So
even if you're not there during thosetimes where they have those two dollars deals.
It's a good place for tacos,burritos, alcoholic beverages, all of

(34:59):
that. And then there's also theBroadway Oyster Bar, which is a fun
New Orleans style restaurant serving all ofthe Cajun food you can imagine. They
have nightly music and a really cooloutdoor patio too that kind of feels like
you're not in the I don't know, it just feels more tropical on the
patio, which is fun. Andthen I've never been to this spot,
but Ted Drew's Frozen Custard. There'salways a line every time I've been outside

(35:23):
of the place. I've just neverhad it. And there's a vending machine
in the airport, so it mustbe good, I guess, have you
been there? Yeah, well there'sseveral locations, but yeah, I went
to one and it was like itwas good. But I'm also like,
you know, ice cream is custardis ice cream? Like to me,
there's not really that. They're notthat different. I mean, so I

(35:44):
understand why people like it, butlike I put enough toppings in there anyways,
it you could give me anything andI'd eat it. And say it
was good, So all right,verdict don't go there from don't bother.
And then there's a couple other popularspots. There's Emo's Pizza. It's all
over Saint Louis as well. Ihear it's just mediocre pizza, so it's
a thing, but whatever. Andthen m Saint Louis is also famed for

(36:07):
toasted ravioli, which I just foundout pretty recently. I've had it.
I just think it's okay. I'mI'm not dying to have it. But
I guess if you go to anItalian restaurant they have it, order it
and see if you like it.Well, it's like an appetizer you can
get pretty much at every restaurant,I think, because it's there's their specialty.
It's like it's like when you getinto like Wisconsin and they have like

(36:27):
cheese curds is their thing, youknow, so every place has a variety
of cheese curds. Every place haslike different variety of toasted ravioli and everything
like that. Yeah, it's likeit's good, you know, but it's
also weird, like it's a butit's it's an like they're worth trying.
I would say, I didn't knowthey were on every menu. I guess
I just haven't been looking for it. I've been not I mean not every
menu, but like it's one ofthose things that like every like most places

(36:49):
have some type appetizer or version oftoasted ravioli that I remember. Okay,
well give it a shot for food. Why that's that's that. Let's move
on to places to visit. Myabsolute favorite, outside of seeing the Saint
Louis Arch and going up in theelevator, is the City Museum. It's
a really fun place. Yes,there's a lot of kids there, but
it's also fun for adults. It'sactually built on the grounds of an old

(37:13):
shoe factory and has four floors ata rooftop area that's filled with art installations
that you can climb, crawl,and slide on and yes, I said
slide, there is a ten storyslide. I think there's two ten story
slides in the building. And it'sjust one of my favorite spots. Bring
tennis shoes and something that you're goingto sweat in because you'll get lost crawling

(37:34):
in some of the areas. It'sa blast. It's like twenty bucks for
a ticket, but totally worth itand pretty unique to the city. Next
is the Saint Louis Zoo. Iknow it's a zoo and they have zoos
in other cities, but this oneis massive and it's free admission, So
if you're there and you have sometime to kill, it's a really fun
spot to just go and enjoy everythingthat they have set up there. Just

(37:55):
depending on where you park, thatmight not be free, but it's a
fun free activity in the city.And then on a nice day, visit
the Missouri Botanical Garden. They actuallyhave a four point eight star rating with
almost thirteen thousand reviews on Google,and it has lots of events that go
on through each season. Really youguessed it. Plants everywhere, really pretty

(38:16):
plants and I don't know, greenhousesand things like that on seventy eight acres
that you can enjoy. And thenSaint Louis is also known for beer because
of Anheuser Busch, So if you'rethere, you've gotta go get the tour
of the facility, see the Clydesdalesand have a taste test. After your
tour, you can also get freevoucher for a beer. And then right

(38:38):
next to Annaheuser Bush. Not faranyways is Ballpark Village. If you're there
during the spring summer, you cancatch a Saint Louis Cardinals baseball game.
And then as far as other neighborhoodsto check out, su Lard is a
really cool area. Roy and Ialways talk about how they have the best
farmers market that we've ever been to. They have food, drinks, local

(38:59):
vendors, live music, a lotof just outdoor space that I think it's
a really cool spot. And thenCentral West End is another area of town
that's really nice to walk around andcheck out all the local shops. And
across from Central West End is ForestPark, which has over thirteen hundred acres
of just open park and there's areally cool free museum that's right there and

(39:19):
a little lake area. They justhave a lot of nice free activities you
can do in Saint Louis. Soyeah, and then places to a Saint
Louis. Don't get confused because bothAdam and I, well, you don't
really have a horror story, doyou not? On my own? No,
well, just don't go to EastSaint Louis. It sounds like it's
part of Saint Louis. It's inIllinois, and it's very unsafe. I

(39:44):
was driving there, driving from Nashvilleto Saint Louis, and I was like,
I'm running along gas I'll just stop. My brother told me not to,
but I was like, it's justlike it's a gas station off the
side of the road, Like howbad could it be? No, one's
very bad, but I was veryscared. It was not a good feeling.
So don't stop in East Saint Louis. Just don't East Saint Louis is.

(40:05):
Uh, it's it's it's to belike if you drive through in the
middle of the day, you're likeit, you'll see it and it'll be
like wow. When like when camplike it looks like a town that is
constantly like at war. It's likethe Zombie Wars, Like I don't know,
it just gives me like the zombiewar zone vibes of just like a
lot of like hard looking buildings andjust it looks rough downtown like there's just

(40:28):
cars like with no wheels, justsitting in like at the at the you
know the street parking that's supposed tobe monitored, but nobody monitors it.
All the meters are broken down,so there's no parking meters. And I
remember my ex wife work for legalaid for summer, and so she would
go over there during the day anduh and would work and um. One

(40:51):
day she came out and she hadparked on the curb, um, like
in front of her building, andher entire car was like her back two
wheels were up on the curb,so like someone had just basically driven into
her car hard enough to knock thebottom the rear half of her car up
onto the curb and then just drivendriven off and no problem. And it
was yeah, that was crazy.And then I could in front of mine

(41:14):
from Lascow could never sleep at night, and the liquor stores were closed in
Saint Louis, so he would actuallydrive over to East Saint Louis at like
three in the morning one of lookstores open, and he is just this
big, dumb white guy from fromKentucky to get a bottle of gym Beam.
And I was I was like,I'm impressed, because yeah, I
do that all the time. Ithink they know me. Now. I
was like that is not a goodthing, Yeah I no, So just

(41:36):
don't stop to get gas. AndEast Saint Louis. Just drive on pass
into Saint Louis. That's my recommendation. And then, uh, the the
only things that I would talk abouttoo in Saint Louis would be UM.
You know, like the neighborhoods arereally cool to visit. There's UM there's
a transportation museum that I really like. It's a bunch of old trains that
was really cool. That's in theheart of Saint Louis. And of course

(41:57):
the campuses. There's a bunch ofschools there that are all kind of in
the very Saint Louis University has areally cool campus, and so does Washington
University either. They're kind of funto go through. UM. And then
nearby there is the place called CohokiaMounds, which is kind of a cool
little um burial thing in nailin Away. It's just over the border. That
was fun. But all the restaurants, it's funny I didn't go to.

(42:19):
Sarah and I were talking about this, I didn't go to it when I
was there. We just picked chainrestaurants. For some reason. We always
went to Outback. We went theOutback because we stole a knife every time
we went, so I have Istill have the full collection here twenties something
years later of Steak Knives, butwe like the Stake Knives, but would
go to Outback all the time,and then we would go to like California
Pizza Kitchen or go to UM.You know when I went to somewhere fancy,

(42:40):
went to like Ruce Chris Um anduh. And I was telling Sarah
the story. But I remember Iwas like twenty one and Amy and I
were going to go out to Wewere there. They had the Barrister's Ball,
which is like the law school promthat you do, and so we
dressed up. We went out toa fancy dinner and it was either at
Ruce Chris or at like the steakrestaurant inside the Marriott and right in downtown

(43:01):
that was really fancy. And Iremember I was like yeah. I was,
like I said, I was twentyone. I had no idea what
the fuck I was doing. Butthey come over and we had to order,
and I'm like, you know,I think i'd like the you know,
the filet mignon. What does itcome with? And the waiter's like,
well, sir, it's all acart and I say, oh,
oh, I understand, but sowhat does that come with, and then
he had to be like, sir, ala cart means that each and you

(43:22):
just purchased each individual item separately,And I felt like such a dumb ass
and I had no idea. Itwas so embarrassing and I will never forget
that obviously. Yeah, it's justthe way he did it too. He
was like such a like such adouchebag about it as well. And I
just had no concept of what alacart meant because I'd never been to a
restaurant where you didn't you know,it was like it was a steak that

(43:44):
came with things. I went tooutback all the time, where I was
like, you know, you geta steak, you get a salad,
you get a potato, you know, like that. That was my experience.
So yeah, anyways, um,yeah, so that's uh Saint Louis,
and I don't have anything much elseto add to it. I kind
of think if I went back nowI'm a little bit more social, that
I probably have some different experiences tosuggest as well, but uh, but

(44:06):
I don't. Yeah, all Ican say about Cohokey Amounts is there's a
rest station not far from that,and Roy took a ship in that restop
and I was like, I leftmy co hokey amount never been there,
but was like, oh, that'smy only memory of that, that's your
memory of then? Well that waswhat to see, was Sarah, Gee,

(44:28):
we're gonna take a quick break andwhen we come back, we're going
to talk about how to make friends. Whether you're moving to a new city
or you've lived in an area fora while, it is really challenging to
make friends, I think, especiallyafter the pandemic, right because everyone's so
used to just staying inside and stayingput that going out and meeting a big
group of people it's not like thething you really want to do and spend

(44:51):
the energy and everything getting ready.And I mean we talked about a little
bit earlier in the episode of youknow, I'm trying to find my groove
of meeting people and you know,hanging out with people outside of just Roy
and it's been really challenging. I'vewhat have I done? I signed up
for meetup dot on meetup dot comand joined a bunch of groups on there.
I get the emails all the time. I have not done any of

(45:12):
the events. I just like,oh, there's a thing going on.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.A lot of it's hiking stuff and I'm
like, nut's too cold. Andthen there's you know, there's Bumble,
which I downloaded Bumble for, youknow, the BF feature I told Roy
about. I was like, look, you'll see Bumble on my phone,
but it's to make friends and createda profile and everything on there, which
obviously feels a lot like dating becauseyou're setting up stuff and you're like,

(45:34):
do I look approachable and like someonewho would be a good friend. You
know, you're reviewing your photos forthat, which was a weird thing to
think instead of, you know,from a dating perspective, but it's similar.
And then actually meeting up with peoplewho I connected with on Bumble BF
and going, h this is notwhy I expected this person to be,
like, just based off of ourconversation and their photos, totally not the

(45:57):
same person I thought. You know, they were more introverted and I was
more extroverted, and just conversation didn'tflow, and I just knew, you
know, within the first five minutesthis probably isn't gonna work out, which
sucks because I want to make itlike it's different because I'm not trying to
fuck this person, like I wantto be their friend, Like I'm not.
You know, it's weird, youknow, I should feel like I,

(46:17):
even if we don't completely vibe rightthen and there, I should want
to keep like hanging out with themso that thing can grow. But then
I'm like, is that worth mytime? Because do I look at it
from the dating lens of I didn'treally vibe with them when I first met
them. Should I just let thatgo? And then I think of past
friendships of I didn't really vibe withthem immediately just because of how things were,

(46:39):
and we ended up being really closefriends. So should that hold me
back? I don't know. It'sit's been a lot of just thinking as
as I'm dating you know that it'sthe same thing, and I'm putting myself
out there and I hate it becauseI'm like, I'm not even trying to
date you, like, I justwant to be your friend. And it
seems so complicated because people are stillsizing each other up of oh well you

(47:04):
do this, Oh well you dothat interesting, Oh you own a house,
Oh you don't. And obviously Idon't want people who are going to
size me up. And it's justa it's dating it's literally dating all over
again. Yeah, except you're justyou're not blowing them at the end.
You're right, Yeah, I'm notyet, not yet? Or like should
I make guy for like I thinkI should make I've seen like guys on

(47:28):
bumble BF and I'm like, dothey know that they're a BF or like,
how does that go? If Imatch with a guy on bumble BFF?
Are they strictly just going to takeBecause I'm not against having guy friends
obviously, I'm your friend, youknow, but beating them on a dating
app that's you know, primarily usedfor dating and then I don't know,

(47:49):
that's weird to me too, SoI'm just like sticking with meeting other women.
But then I'm getting a lot ofmatches from guys. It's yeah,
interesting, I would say that thatthey're probably you have to be careful about
the ben on bubble BF because there'sgoing to be a percentage of them that
see it as some way to datelike or as some way to kind of

(48:10):
weasel their way into it, andthen there'll be a percentage of them that
are probably just looking for friends.Well's like, how how soon do you
stay after? Because I I'm afraidto swipe right on a guy because it
feels like you know, swiping righton a dating app. You know,
right, we are matched. Butthere might also be like men who are
on there who are like who aregay and just like using bubble bf because

(48:30):
they want female friends too, sothey might that might be what they're looking
for. So that's one way todo it. And I'll set you up
on friend dates too, Yeah,which is funny, just like you know,
here's someone that lives there and goout and have fun, you do
something friends. Yeah, it canbe hard to to make friends as an
adult, like it is. Itis a challenge. Um. I think

(48:52):
that I was lucky in the sensethat I lived in Orlando and then basically
the same place for so many yearsyears that I had built friends, you
know friends just from the beginning.I half had it hard to do it,
you know. But then once Ionce actually had my basis of friends,
and then I tried, you know, when I whenever it was whenever
I tried something new, that I'dmake more new friends. When I started

(49:12):
stand up comedy, I made youknow, kind of my comedy friends.
When I started doing the running thesocial media conference, I made you know,
my friends in that arena. WhenI started going to aale house,
you know, four days a week, I made my circle of friends there,
you know, when I the strip, the strip club friends, you
know, like I just like itreally but it really was. I think
my way of making friends is togo be a regular somewhere and then I

(49:34):
usually but I don't usually make friendswith the other customers generally speaking. Yeah,
I make friends with the staff.And I don't know what that is
that says about me, but thatthat tends to be what I do is
I will I'll go and make youknow. I occasionally make friends with the
people that are also regulars, butusually they're part of the group that hangs
out with the staff as well.I mean Alee House is a great example.

(49:55):
I mean, I uh, youknow, I would go out with
a couple of the bartenders, wouldgo out it, you know, and
they're when that's they're off or whatever, would do something. You know,
it was just like it was niceand it was just that was a group
of people that I that I liked. And I also maybe it's because I
like service industry people too. Ifeel like they're you know, they're kind
of fun to hang out with.So that that's I think that you know,

(50:15):
it can be it can be achallenge. So I think the first
thing you have to figure out isdo you really want friends? That that's
like the first question, right,I do want friends, but I think
I'm also why I want to feelpart. So I want to feel part
of the Seattle community. And Ithink I think I felt part of the
Nashville community when I first moved toNashville because I had a job where I

(50:37):
was going into the office every singleday, so I was cool with my
coworkers, so I felt connected andgetting that you know that extroverts just getting
that energy out, you know,and just interacting with other people. And
then I became friends with my coworkers, so then I felt like,
oh, cool I have, whichit didn't really work out for me,
but you know, like I thoughtlike at the time, I had a

(50:59):
group of people that I trusted andvibed with and we saw each other at
work and had fun and it wasall like fine. But what I failed
to do in Nashville was I failedto fully dive into organizations within the city.
I did things here and there,but I didn't find one that I
really was very passionate about and spenta lot of time like it was my

(51:20):
hobby because I was spending time dating, I was spending time traveling, I
was spending time making the podcast thatlike adding anything else to my list on
working out and going to work.It was like, I don't have time
for this, so I think thelooking at it through a different lens is
okay. So I don't have theand a lot of people are remote,
right, I don't have the goinginto the office and socializing and doing the

(51:40):
afterwork happy hours or anything like that, And I honestly don't know if i'd
want to do that now with theenergy I don't have for that. So
now it's like, okay, wellI free up now that I don't have
a commuteant things, I free uptime to be able to volunteer at organizations
or find causes and things that Imight be passionate about and me people there.

(52:00):
And I've already started. I haven'tlike gone to the cat rescue.
No, No, I don't reallyknow. I don't really want to go
that route. I want to go. I want to go back to my
roots of like being in the arts, like I used to be in theater,
and chorus and color guard and allof that. Where I don't want
to, you know, volunteer orwork at a school like I used to,

(52:21):
but I'd like to be involved insome kind of theater program where I
can volunteer, you know, workthe ticket sales or do things that you
know, it's it's not a parttime job. I'm not going to get
paid for it, but I'm goingto volunteer in a way where I feel
like I'm part of a community andcan contribute in that way because I've I've
gone off the rails and also workeda bunch of part time jobs where I

(52:42):
meet people, but it's not inthe same community based aspect because people come
and go from jobs. Yeah Iwas in say, because I think like
your spa job in Nashville, Idoesn't really feel like you made any friends
from that. No, everyone endedup hating me in the end. So
maybe not everybody, but a lotof people did not like me in the
end, so to me. Andthen and then obviously we're just talking about

(53:02):
your specific situation, not like everybody's. But it actually doesn't sound like friends.
It sounds like the community and whichI think you know you identified,
but I think that's an important aspect, important different like differentiation. You're not
looking for somebody who wants to justlike hang out, We're go and play
a tabletop game or whatever, youknow, Like that's not you're you're You're

(53:23):
not looking for that type of vibe. You're looking for the vibe of participating
in something that makes you feel coolabout being part of the community and meeting
other people who also like doing coolthings that are part of the community.
Well, I think that's a goodfirst step. Like, yes, I
would like to develop into having closerone on one relationships where someone's coming over
for a dinner party or whatever.But I'm not going I don't think after

(53:43):
a couple of bumble friend dates thatI'm going to get there by this one
to one approach, because I wantmore than just one you know what I
mean. I want more than justone friend. So it's like going to
meet ups would be better. Yeah, No, I agree, And I
think that I think that that's reallywhat a lot of people should do.
And I think that not either meetupsthrough like meetup dot com meetups or local

(54:04):
communities like you know, the communitytheater and you know whatever community arts,
any anything like that like looking andseeing what they need for volunteers, looking
and seeing when they have events atall, any type of events. And
also now that you are a littlebit um that you're kind of the you
know, the upper middle class aswell, you could also do events that
are charity events where they like,you know, one hundred dollars a plate,

(54:27):
come and support this thing, andyou know, dress up and get
to go out. You and Royget go out. You know, as
long as he has his mullet.He has to have his mullet when you
go out to fancy things and goout to uh have drinks and then talk
to people, and you know,they'll put your tables with people and you
know you'll meet people that way too, and that can be a kind of
a neat way to do it aswell. Um. And then there's things
like Facebook groups. I was gonnasaying no, but it was still like

(54:51):
other other types of things are likethe like in Orlando, there was the
what's it called the un geek geekNerd Orlando Nerd Nerd. I'm forgetting the
name of what it was. Buthe was doing like every six weeks he'd
have like almost like a ted talktype thing where somebody would come. It
was an event you'd everybody would goto and someone would give a cool talk

(55:12):
about some kind of topic that wasrelated to in some way pop culture,
fashion, you know, whatever itwas, you know, and and it
was a group of people that wouldjust get together and kind of do this
stuff and everybody kind of got toknow each other over those types of you
know, those times as well.And you can also offer to speak at
those types of things. You know, when you see somebody looking at it,
they do things like that about anyof those variety of topics that you

(55:35):
have a good experience. You know, how to travel on your own would
be a fantastic one, because Iremember the one in Orlando. My friend
Danielle actually I met her after that, but she was speaking about using Tinder
to couch surf internationally, and soyou know, she had a whole little
slideshow. It was a ten minutelittle thing or a twenty minute and that
was it, and then everybody wantedto talk to her, and you know
she made a bunch of friends fromit. Yeah. Yeah, I mean
I definitely could go the route oflike going to events and paying for whatever.

(56:01):
I had thought also about paying forwhich I'm not going to do but
paying for like a coworking space thathas community events part of it. But
it's a little pricey and it's likeI already have a desk set up here,
but I do think it would bework. Like I think I need
to get out of this fucking house, right I'm it's also inductible for your

(56:21):
taxes. By the way, wellyou need to help me figure that out.
I'm anyone who's a CPA, pleasehelp a girl out. But things
like that of just I need toget out of the house and do things
because I'm not going to meet peoplejust staying inside all the time, so
I need to I mean, workoutclasses are tough because everyone's in their own
mindset of like their workout and thenthey leave, but trying to find some

(56:44):
something to hold onto because I feltlike, you know, I had a
little bit of that in my workoutclasses in Nashville and things, but I
mean, overall, it's challenging andjust trying to put yourself out there and
feeling uncomfortable doing it and you're notI'm not even trying to date anyone.
I'm just trying to just try tobe friendly and like meet people, but
you learn real quickly, like,oh, I think I just said something

(57:06):
that offended the girl I'm on afriend date with because our sense of humor
is not the same, or youknow, this came off really awkward.
I don't think she likes me anymore. I want to just leave, so
it's us. Yeah, well that'swhy I think, Yeah, you might
do better in large groups and meetpeople and you know, kind of meet
a group of people and then kindof as you get to know them on

(57:29):
social media, you can also startto learn which ones might be you know,
along your lines of you know,I think I think that's kind of
the best way to make friends asan adult sometimes as to like be part
of like a Facebook group or somethinglike that's like and then meet meet them
in person, so at least youhave that kind of in person interaction you
kind of see which people you maybehad the most chemistry with, and then
but then you also kind of keepan eye on their social media see what

(57:49):
kind of person they are. Yeah, and if you click as well,
it's like a multi tiered approach.Yeah, that's a good point. Always
follow on social Yeah, yes,I think, because I think that that's
that's kind of important. And youknow, I for me is it's just
I'd like making friends to a degree, like you know, I enjoy I
enjoy it to a degree. Butlike I can go to a bar and

(58:13):
have equally as much fun if I'msitting there by myself just chatting with the
staff. Then if I have afriend there also who I'm also chatting with,
like, it doesn't it doesn't reallynecessarily enhance my my experience in any
way. Um, you know,if I want to go do karaoke,
I will just go to a barand do karaoke. I don't need somebody
to go with me to do it, you know. And and chances are

(58:34):
if I go to a place anddo karaoke, I'm gonna end up chatting
with people there while I'm there anyways, because we're all there to do karaokee.
So you end up it just kindof happens organically. But you never
connect the fact though, right unlessyeah, yeah they're regulars. Yeah,
you know sometimes I have, youknow, I one bar when I was
going to the bar here, umwell be the only bar in town.

(58:55):
Um, I was talking to somebodyand like he invited me out to go
bowl with a years a girlfriend.They're like, yeah, we're part of
the only bowling league in town.We do this every Tuesday. And I
was gonna go one Tuesday, butI just wasn't feeling it, so I
just didn't go. But like Icould have gone, like and I probably
would have met a group of peopleand everything like that. And and you
know, then I realized that Iwould have to bowl, and so that
that wasn't exactly something that I wason my list of things that I don't

(59:19):
know that I'm in a bowler youknow, like I enjoy it like every
now and then. But to doa regular thing that you don't really enjoy
is like, wh why am Idoing this? Yeah, And like I
think trivia nights are actually a goodway to meet people if you're if you're
like that, if you are kindof you like because like you like to
be part of a community. Idon't give a shit about community. I
don't want to participate in the artscommunity or anything that stuff. You know,

(59:39):
like it's just not me. Butlike I go to a trivia night
at a bar or something like that, and usually people looking for teams or
you sit next to a team andthen they're doing well, and you kind
of talk to them afterwards. Butit all requires you being willing to put
yourself out there and take that firststep of just chatting with people, and
that can be it can be nervewracking to do that sometimes. Yeah,
it's also tough because I know whoI am, and I feel like when

(01:00:01):
I first when I'm in a settingwhere everybody's new to me, I have
to water myself down because I sayfuck a lot or you know, just
things that I don't think about,and I'm like, oh, don't curse
as much. Oh, you know, maybe don't say that, you know,
fuck that. I don't know.I just feel and I shouldn't,
you know, even if in thedating scenario, I wouldn't want to box

(01:00:24):
myself in and not feel like myselfon a date. But I don't know
why it is with friends that ittakes them like warming up to more than
like dating. I'm like, hereit all is, you know, all
hanging out literally, and then withdating, I'm like, oh, like
I'm super nice, Well fuck that, you know, and then like later
it's like this fucking bitch over here, you know, because I don't know
that, I don't know, it'sa different I approach it very differently.

(01:00:46):
Well, I think that women insociety are kind of trained to tone police
themselves that, you know, tonot do things like to say fuck a
lot and things like that because it'sjust not what you do. And it's
a fortunate but it you know,it is a thing that I think like
society is like told women you haveto watch how you you know, how
you come across, and I youknow, it's it's unfortunately you are less

(01:01:09):
You are less likely than, youknow, than a lot of people to
do that. You know, youare. You are more open about who
you are, I think, quicker, but it is still is something people
you know, that affects people.Yeah, well it's also weird too to
just talk about yourself for an extendedperiod of time of oh, you know,
what do you like doing all ofthese things? And I'm like listening
out all of these, you know, things that I like doing, and

(01:01:31):
then the other person's like, cool, okay, here's all the things I
like doing. I'm like, thisis not a fucking conversation or like it's
weird to just like go back andforay of like here's all the things I
do do we match And I'm likethis is just so awkward. You know.
Let's just I mean, like,look at my relationship with you,
Like we didn't have very much incommon, and we're good friends. You

(01:01:52):
know. It's it's like, oh, you like to hike, so do
I. You know, it's likeour relationships like, yes, we have
the podcast, but it's not basedon I think it's just our crudeness and
like just that it's based on beingbags of garbage, is what it is.
Pretty much like because my other friendthat's the same thing. She's like,

(01:02:12):
I'm a piece of shit, You'rea piece of shit. Great friends,
like, but we can be likefunny and just open about it.
So it's it's finding those people butalso like not trying to offend right out
the gate. I don't know,it's weird. It's weird dynamic now I
will say that, yeah, itis. It's hard to find people like
that. I think that I know, I'm very privileged in the sense that
I you know, and you areto a degree, but you don't use

(01:02:35):
it to the degree that I do. That we have this audience, and
and then beyond this audience, Ihave the TikTok audience, and I have
the Facebook audience, you know,like just from stand up doing stand up
and across you know, across thecountry. Is I've had these little kind
of parasocial relationships with people just youknow, people who follow that. Then
if I'm like, hey, I'min this area, then I have somebody
who already knows who I am.They already know the shit that I that

(01:02:58):
I like. And so it's thethe hard part's kind of done. It
just depends on whether or not Iactually can tolerate them. And so it's
it's like it takes a lot ofit out of the equation. I don't.
I have a lot less pressure.I can just go and have a
good time regardless, and you know, I meet up with people, and
I think that that's that doesn't helpany listeners because it's listeners aren't going to
have that the same advantage. Butyou know what we do, and it

(01:03:20):
is something that helps us with asfar as being able to reach out for
one. It's weird because the waythat I'm trying to approach friends in like
the one to one is how Ithink I would feel if I was desperately
dating, Like I want it towork so well for someone to be my
friend that I'm willing to say anddo the right things and be uncomfortable,

(01:03:40):
so they want to hang out again, and it's a really harsh reminder of
like why are you doing that?Like you're not having fun doing that,
and that means you probably are notgoing to vibe with that person long term,
so don't do that. Yeah,it is the same. It is
really dating and that. And actuallyI make a lot of friends through dating
apps, not through BFF, butjust as a match with people. And

(01:04:03):
I'm like, you know, Ican tell there's not going to be the
chemistry that I look for, andand but they seem like cool people,
so then there's that potential to belike, well, let's go grab a
drink and just like hang out andjust be friendly and have it. You
know, No, there's no romanticaspect to it. Once we're both clear,
you know, I have the communicationthat's important. But that has actually
worked really well for me as well. And I would say I've made a

(01:04:25):
lot of friends from that. AndI've also and I don't know if it's
this is just something I do,and that I've also made friends from people
that I went up went out within a romantic sense and then you know,
maybe we'd had sex or we hookedup or something, you know,
and then it just kind of likenothing really, like it just wasn't this
isn't gonna be happening a long term. Let's just be friends instead, And

(01:04:45):
now we're really good and genuine friends. Like yeah, it's because I'm like,
yeah, that word didn't really workout the way, so we're both
good with just being friends. AndI think that that's that takes a certain
level of I don't want to likepop myself back and say emotional maturity,
but maybe emotional detachment to be ableto step back and just be like,
this is better, So let's justbe friends. Yeah, yeah, I
don't think for me that would workout. Just I'm not going to because

(01:05:11):
the guys you choose are terrible andso that's that's really yeah, that's not
your fault. I mean, like, you know, but even the ones
that were not terrible, you tryto be friends that they couldn't handle it,
Like they just didn't have because Idon't think they were actually being quite
honest with themselves. Yeah, Ithink it's harder for women than it is
for men, and that yeah,yeah, because I don't think men generally.

(01:05:33):
We did a whole episode on domen actually like women? And you
know, it's hard for men towant to be friends with women when they
don't actually like women in the firstplace, right, which is why I'm
trying to start with just making girlfriends. So yeah, yeah, girl friends,
they said, gay male friends agood way to go to. Yeah,
hopefully, you know in the theater. Community. For me, it

(01:05:53):
really starts with community. It's likefinding the big group and then you know,
from there it gets smaller and smallerand smaller. That's my approach.
I would say, you'd probably go, I have a little walking group with
all the old ladies from your neighborhoodand be all friends those old ladies who
Edith and Mabel. And if you'renot far off, it's like, oh,

(01:06:15):
you know, you don't watch bettercall Salt you. But there's a
there's an episode where he basically hehas all these senior citizens as a clients,
so he goes on malwalks with themand so he'll just be like,
you know, doing the little walkwith them and chatting with all the all
the old ladies, and it's prettygreat. I could see you do that.
You can go on to malwalks,Yeah, I mean, I I
don't want to be boxed in withhaving friends in a certain age either,

(01:06:38):
because I'm part of different Seattle Facebookgroups and people will post, you know,
again, a vulnerable post of fivephotos of themselves, a bio of
like, hey, I'm new tothe area, Hey I've lived here,
and a little thing about them,and based off of the photos, comments
and likes on those posts vary somuch, just based off of what they
post about. And then it's like, Okay, well, is anyone even

(01:07:01):
meeting up? Is this even likea good thing to do? And like,
oh, I don't want to connectwith this person because she's twenty two
and I'm thirty, you know,Like I feel like there's like that level
of oh I don't want to beher friend because she's older than me or
whatever, and I'm like, Imean, it's just your maturity. I
don't think it's like, oh Idon't want to be friends with I'm I

(01:07:23):
mean, I'm not going to seekout friendships with like you're not me.
Yeah, I'm not going to belike, oh, like I'll be friends
with this, like I want tokeep around my age group, but like
I'm not against like being friends withpeople who are a little older or a
little younger than me. But Idon't. It's weird of like, I
don't want to box myself in,but yet I feel like a lot of
people are. If I mean,if I was to do one of those
Facebook type posts, I would puta couple of pictures and to say,

(01:07:45):
hey, blah blah blah, I'mgoing to go to this place on Thursday
night at seven to play trivia orsomething, you know, like whatever.
I'd pick a place and say,you know that, you know something's going
on. If anybody like wants tocome out and join me, I'd love
to make some new friends, youknow. Like so like essentially all the
action like marketing, yes, yeah, basically basic marketing. So then like
then all the hard work is done. It's just someone else decide with another

(01:08:08):
going to show up, you know, and if nobody shows up, that's
fine. Well that's the problem withso nobody does that, right, and
everyone just posts those posts and theneveryone in the comments is hi, I'd
love to meet I'd love to meetDM me let's chat and I'm like they're
bombarded with you know, now thirtynew messages from people. Do you think
they're actually responding to all of thosemessages number one and number two. It's
like, do you think the personwho've reached out is like gonna keep going

(01:08:30):
back and fourth versus saying, hey, I'm going to be here at this
time. Yeah, having a callto action if you're going to post it,
that's a really good idea of postingI'm doing this or let's all I
know. That's why I said,Yeah, I'm not gonna I don't want
to post on those groups, right. I hate Facebook, but if I
was, that's what I would do. But to our listeners, if you're
doing something like this and you're tryingto make friends, that might be the
way that I would suggest it,because I think if you can make it

(01:08:53):
so that you're gonna be like,I'm just gonna be here anyways, which
is kind of how I would dodates sometimes where I was like, I
wasn't really sure about meeting up withthem. Yea, I got open Mic.
I'm want to be at open Micfrom this time this time. If
you're in the area, you wantto come by, you know, I'll
buy you a drink and we cansay hi. But I you know,
so it's like I'm already doing somethingand it just it gives it. Yeah,
and it allows them just come by. There's a little pressure if they

(01:09:14):
don't want, you know, it'sno big deal and it's not like I'm
waiting on one specific person. I'mdoing it and doing something anyways. Yeah,
and it leads for more opportunities ofother people to meet instead of just
one person. Hey, I'm outhere. Anyone can join da da da
exactly. I love that. Well. Um, I would say that,
you know, the big takeaways fromthis about trying to make friends is first

(01:09:35):
of all, decide why you wantto make friends, Like, what is
it that's important to you? Isit the actual friendship? You want somebody
to play video games with, there'ssomeone you want, you want to be
part of something bigger, And thenput yourself out there both digitally and in
person and give yourself a chance toI mean to realize it is like dating.
It's a numbers game, and sometimesyou're going to meet people and you

(01:09:55):
know you'll get to know them reallywell. Sometimes people that you won't hit
it off at all, and it'sjust that's okay. Getting out of the
house and trying new things to thenhopefully meet people. Those are two big
things for me, right, orjust build an audience of like a couple
hundred thousand people and then just tell, you know, tell people where you're
gonna meet next week. So whatwe're basically saying is that if you live

(01:10:19):
in the area, you're add emailus at Dating Atta Sucks podcast at gmail
dot com. Let's say subject lineI'll be Sarah's friend, so well,
animal Adam will catch the headline first, but then yeah, I know I'll
be screening you because Sarah doesn't checkthe email, so you have to impress

(01:10:42):
me first. You can also DMus that on our Instagram at dating kind
of Sucks, or you can umwhere else can they reach out? I'm
sorry? Or they can post apost on our Facebook group about it at
Facebook dot com, slash groups slashDKs podcast. That's right, Yeah,
and the group is actually a placefor people to maybe make friends as well,
because because they're you know, readyin there has kind of similar interests

(01:11:04):
and they've been you know, screenedthrough for the most part as well.
If you are enjoying the podcast andyou want to support us, you can
get bonus episodes where we just youknow, shoot the ship for twenty minutes
and you get to hear some insidescoops even not otherwise. Here at Patreon
and for five bucks a month,which is not very much, you can
join us and support us, andthat's patreon dot com slash dCas Podcast.

(01:11:27):
You can watch us on YouTube aswell. YouTube dot com slash dating kind
of sucks, um and then ofcourse you know, we follow us on
TikTok. Sarah doesn't really post anymore, but I do at Adam Avidable,
Sarah's at simply Sarah g Underscore,and last but not least, our favorite
thing for you to do is tocall our dCas hotline at four oh seven
five one nine zero one eight one. Like we mentioned earlier, we will

(01:11:50):
be playing some voicemails next episode andhelping out some listeners. So if you'd
like some advice, to give usa call on there, and if you're
listening on iTunes, please leave usthe five start writing in review and give
us a five start writing on Spotify. It helps us a lot. We'll
be back in a couple of weeks. I'm not gonna say two weeks specifically,
it might be three weeks, butyou know, we'll get back into

(01:12:11):
routine for the new year with newepisodes and thank you for doing it next
time. Whether you're memoried our singleor Paula, you're right, we're hanging
out with singers back at your place. Listen to us as been getting no
buck, a tender and mumbling plentyof young trying and trying and having to
luck because we all know dating kindof sucks. Sarah and Adam are duoba

(01:12:39):
kind says dupid, and Jean isin mine. They're not doing with this
so to make any buck light asa chicken boosts, they bluck, why
didn't work? We'll hear with thecruck. They both know daating kind of
sucks. Dating kind of sucks.

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