November 12, 2024 • 8 mins
Savage Garden’s Darren Hayes opened up with us in a beautiful and raw interview. Talking about his new book Unlovable, Darren spoke about his intense childhood trauma and the effect it has on him today. Plus we talk about his life changing encounter with Stevie Nicks and helping her through her addiction.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is the Fitsy and with Kate Richie podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
We've had a great relationship with this man over the years,
and he's finally he's brought out a memoir, a memoir
from the voice of Savage Guard, and it's called Unlovable.
It's out now and it's the magnificent Darren Hayes.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Welcome. Wow that applause, Thank you, Welcome.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
We did that for everyone. Do you know why I'm
so excited about this?
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Yes, because you're unbelievably honest and beautiful and giving, and
the book I believe will be full of that. Well. Yeah,
it was very hard to write. It took a year
to drop the veil. There's always a veil between as
you know, anyone in the public eye, between you and
the audience. And you know, this was a lot of
(00:48):
emotional burdens that I had been carrying for a long time.
I'll just give it a brief just in case people
are thinking, what is he talking about. Yeah. I had
a very traumatic childhood. So I grew up in a
home with extreme domestic violence. So my father was a
violent alcoholic. He really abused my mother and often his children.
(01:09):
And I have realized now that you know, I have
complex post traumatic stress disorder show because of that, And
when I was writing this book, I actually discovered there
are a lot of things that I experienced that I
had forgotten, but it just shows up in triggers in
your life, and they were destroying my life and I
(01:31):
didn't know.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Because they don't actually go anywhere.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
I guess that's why people disassociate. Do you think that
for a long time throughout your life? That's kind of
what you did, And maybe the process of writing the
book brought so many things to the full.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
I mean, it's the only reason I became an entertainer.
I had no choice. So when I was a child,
home life was so bad that I had to become
the most imaginative child. I had this wonderful, magical world
that I escaped into, thank God. Then when I went
to high school, the bullying was so extreme. So the
(02:09):
only escape for me was to become a pop star.
Went to see Michael Jackson in nineteen eighty seven, and
I saw this extraordinary superhero, this creature, and I just thought, oh,
I'll just do that.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
And then everyone will love me exactly.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
And it's that story that a lot of actors and
singers have.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Can I ask what the relationship with your father and
or more particularly your mother ended up being.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
No one in my family has any contact with my
father now, thank god he's still We don't know. I
don't know. My mother is seventy nine. She is. I
can't believe how joyful she is. You know. The great
thing about my career was that I was able to
help emancipate her. Sure, you know, she still retains this
(02:58):
zest for living. I joke about this hate waking up
like I'm like the morning She's like, yay. She's just
such a beautiful, joyful, loving person and energy that's in.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
You, that is ultimately in you as well.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Yeah, she protected that in me.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Did she get to experience your world at the top
of Savage Garden? Did you did she? Is there a
story where your mum met somebody and you're just like
in a room going, oh my god, this is unbelowing.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
There is. And here's the thing. My mother is not
a star effort. My mother loves all of her children equally.
She doesn't care that I do what I do. She
only cares that I'm happy. Yes, of course I spoiled her.
We were for all intents and purposes poor. I'm really
proud of that because I felt rich. She made me
(03:49):
feel rich. I felt like royalty. But her thing is like,
whenever she's in Santa Monica, where I live, if she
saw a celebrity, I would very quietly go, mom, that's
Jennifer Garnet, and she goes, oh my god, I love Jennifer.
That's her thing. Yes, Sometimes bless us, she'll lie. I'm like,
you're not a fan of you know this, ABC or whatever,
(04:11):
and she's like, I am, yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Is there anyone else you're nervous about reading the book?
Speaker 2 (04:16):
No, It's fascinating to hear your background and bullied at
high school, and I can only imagine how much you
would have gone into your shell. And then you're performing
on stages like the Well, the two thousand and Sydney
Olympic closing ceremony.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
You did a duet with pa A Rotti.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
I can't even I can't even imagine.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
Going out there and extraordinary. It was a shell. It
was a chrysalis, very very gay chrysalis just wasn't out yet,
it hadn't broken for real. It was like a pact
with the universe. I sat there, crossed arms, on my desk.
(05:00):
No teachers, no counselors intervened, nobody helped me, and I
just thought, I'm not like any of you. One day
I will show you. There's an anecdote in this book
where one of my bullies who beat me up ends
up coming to the Brisbane Entertainment Center and he's in
a front row and he's screaming, Darren, I love you, Darren, you?
(05:22):
What's that? What did you do? I was just in shock.
I just could not believe it, and I didn't feel
any need for retribution or to rub it in his face.
I felt compassion, and also I had to take into
consideration where we were all raised. We came from. You know,
I grew up in Logan City of a southern suburb
(05:42):
of Brisbane. Everyone was struggling. There was a lot of
dysfunctional families. I don't think my story is very unique.
Why unlovable for the longest time, I think I had
an imposter syndrome. Sadly because as much as he was
a monster, I think I always wanted my father to
(06:04):
love me. When I never received that, it created this
unquenchable desire to be loved, and it was a black
hole I thought if I could just be applauded and
be loved, then maybe I could use some Selly's spack
filler and just fix that problem. And it obviously, as
(06:25):
you know, the tailors all the time, and it doesn't
work until you do the work and love yourself.
Speaker 4 (06:30):
I will tell us, now, what are the other great
things about Darren Hayes that we don't know about?
Speaker 1 (06:33):
But that is not.
Speaker 4 (06:34):
Savage Garden related or book writing related or you know,
you have to realize that I'm so wonderful in so
many other ways.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Goldlu Well, I'm wearing gold flu it today. You know
we're gold for you know. It's one of the things
that I love. It's hard to talk about yourself in
the positive, but I'm learning to do this. I realized
that my favorite part of my job is making people's day,
but I don't just do it on stage. Last night
I did a book signing. Now, our event started at
seven point thirty, it ended at nine. I left the
(07:02):
venue at midnight because I just stayed stayed. There were
people around the block, and also looking into people's eyes
and holding their hands and listening to their stories and
making them feel seen. That very powerful. It is very powerful,
and I received that from mother entertainers when I was
a young kid. I'm a fan Stevie Nicks did that
(07:26):
for me. When I was fifteen. I waited outside a
hotel to perform, and she came outside and she held
my hands and she looked deep into my eyes and
it meant the world to her. She was struggling at
the time now I know, with addiction. And I remember
I gave her some rosary beads and she said, oh,
wear these on stage. My fifteen year old self. That
(07:48):
was so struggling. She made my entire year. She drove
away and then the limo stopped. It was like something
out of a movie. She reversed, the window went down.
She went, do you have take it to the show?
And I was like, of course we do, and she's like, okay,
and then she drove off.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
That's great, right, And then she wrote Gypsy about you.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
About me? She wrote Gypsy, she said, so on back
to the velvet Valua and the underground. Isn't that interesting?
Speaker 2 (08:18):
I never knew made. It's like, like we've said, you
have always opened up to us, and we we really
appreciate it. Is the memoir from the Voice of Savage Garden, Unlovable,
It's out now Bye Darren Hayes. Thank you so much mate.
It's always a great team.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
I love coming in here. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Thanks a pleasure to meet you. Good to see you.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
Thanks Gate. Sits in Whippa with Kate Ritchie is a
Nova podcast walk great shows like this. Download the Nova
Player by the app Store or Google playing the
This is the Fitsy and with Kate Richie podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
We've had a great relationship with this man over the years,
and he's finally he's brought out a memoir, a memoir
from the voice of Savage Guard, and it's called Unlovable.
It's out now and it's the magnificent Darren Hayes.
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Welcome. Wow that applause, Thank you, Welcome.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
We did that for everyone. Do you know why I'm
so excited about this?
Speaker 3 (00:24):
Yes, because you're unbelievably honest and beautiful and giving, and
the book I believe will be full of that. Well. Yeah,
it was very hard to write. It took a year
to drop the veil. There's always a veil between as
you know, anyone in the public eye, between you and
the audience. And you know, this was a lot of
(00:48):
emotional burdens that I had been carrying for a long time.
I'll just give it a brief just in case people
are thinking, what is he talking about. Yeah. I had
a very traumatic childhood. So I grew up in a
home with extreme domestic violence. So my father was a
violent alcoholic. He really abused my mother and often his children.
(01:09):
And I have realized now that you know, I have
complex post traumatic stress disorder show because of that, And
when I was writing this book, I actually discovered there
are a lot of things that I experienced that I
had forgotten, but it just shows up in triggers in
your life, and they were destroying my life and I
(01:31):
didn't know.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Because they don't actually go anywhere.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
I guess that's why people disassociate. Do you think that
for a long time throughout your life? That's kind of
what you did, And maybe the process of writing the
book brought so many things to the full.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
I mean, it's the only reason I became an entertainer.
I had no choice. So when I was a child,
home life was so bad that I had to become
the most imaginative child. I had this wonderful, magical world
that I escaped into, thank God. Then when I went
to high school, the bullying was so extreme. So the
(02:09):
only escape for me was to become a pop star.
Went to see Michael Jackson in nineteen eighty seven, and
I saw this extraordinary superhero, this creature, and I just thought, oh,
I'll just do that.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
And then everyone will love me exactly.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
And it's that story that a lot of actors and
singers have.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Can I ask what the relationship with your father and
or more particularly your mother ended up being.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
No one in my family has any contact with my
father now, thank god he's still We don't know. I
don't know. My mother is seventy nine. She is. I
can't believe how joyful she is. You know. The great
thing about my career was that I was able to
help emancipate her. Sure, you know, she still retains this
(02:58):
zest for living. I joke about this hate waking up
like I'm like the morning She's like, yay. She's just
such a beautiful, joyful, loving person and energy that's in.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
You, that is ultimately in you as well.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
Yeah, she protected that in me.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
Did she get to experience your world at the top
of Savage Garden? Did you did she? Is there a
story where your mum met somebody and you're just like
in a room going, oh my god, this is unbelowing.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
There is. And here's the thing. My mother is not
a star effort. My mother loves all of her children equally.
She doesn't care that I do what I do. She
only cares that I'm happy. Yes, of course I spoiled her.
We were for all intents and purposes poor. I'm really
proud of that because I felt rich. She made me
(03:49):
feel rich. I felt like royalty. But her thing is like,
whenever she's in Santa Monica, where I live, if she
saw a celebrity, I would very quietly go, mom, that's
Jennifer Garnet, and she goes, oh my god, I love Jennifer.
That's her thing. Yes, Sometimes bless us, she'll lie. I'm like,
you're not a fan of you know this, ABC or whatever,
(04:11):
and she's like, I am, yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Is there anyone else you're nervous about reading the book?
Speaker 2 (04:16):
No, It's fascinating to hear your background and bullied at
high school, and I can only imagine how much you
would have gone into your shell. And then you're performing
on stages like the Well, the two thousand and Sydney
Olympic closing ceremony.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
You did a duet with pa A Rotti.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
I can't even I can't even imagine.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
Going out there and extraordinary. It was a shell. It
was a chrysalis, very very gay chrysalis just wasn't out yet,
it hadn't broken for real. It was like a pact
with the universe. I sat there, crossed arms, on my desk.
(05:00):
No teachers, no counselors intervened, nobody helped me, and I
just thought, I'm not like any of you. One day
I will show you. There's an anecdote in this book
where one of my bullies who beat me up ends
up coming to the Brisbane Entertainment Center and he's in
a front row and he's screaming, Darren, I love you, Darren, you?
(05:22):
What's that? What did you do? I was just in shock.
I just could not believe it, and I didn't feel
any need for retribution or to rub it in his face.
I felt compassion, and also I had to take into
consideration where we were all raised. We came from. You know,
I grew up in Logan City of a southern suburb
(05:42):
of Brisbane. Everyone was struggling. There was a lot of
dysfunctional families. I don't think my story is very unique.
Why unlovable for the longest time, I think I had
an imposter syndrome. Sadly because as much as he was
a monster, I think I always wanted my father to
(06:04):
love me. When I never received that, it created this
unquenchable desire to be loved, and it was a black
hole I thought if I could just be applauded and
be loved, then maybe I could use some Selly's spack
filler and just fix that problem. And it obviously, as
(06:25):
you know, the tailors all the time, and it doesn't
work until you do the work and love yourself.
Speaker 4 (06:30):
I will tell us, now, what are the other great
things about Darren Hayes that we don't know about?
Speaker 1 (06:33):
But that is not.
Speaker 4 (06:34):
Savage Garden related or book writing related or you know,
you have to realize that I'm so wonderful in so
many other ways.
Speaker 3 (06:42):
Goldlu Well, I'm wearing gold flu it today. You know
we're gold for you know. It's one of the things
that I love. It's hard to talk about yourself in
the positive, but I'm learning to do this. I realized
that my favorite part of my job is making people's day,
but I don't just do it on stage. Last night
I did a book signing. Now, our event started at
seven point thirty, it ended at nine. I left the
(07:02):
venue at midnight because I just stayed stayed. There were
people around the block, and also looking into people's eyes
and holding their hands and listening to their stories and
making them feel seen. That very powerful. It is very powerful,
and I received that from mother entertainers when I was
a young kid. I'm a fan Stevie Nicks did that
(07:26):
for me. When I was fifteen. I waited outside a
hotel to perform, and she came outside and she held
my hands and she looked deep into my eyes and
it meant the world to her. She was struggling at
the time now I know, with addiction. And I remember
I gave her some rosary beads and she said, oh,
wear these on stage. My fifteen year old self. That
(07:48):
was so struggling. She made my entire year. She drove
away and then the limo stopped. It was like something
out of a movie. She reversed, the window went down.
She went, do you have take it to the show?
And I was like, of course we do, and she's like, okay,
and then she drove off.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
That's great, right, And then she wrote Gypsy about you.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
About me? She wrote Gypsy, she said, so on back
to the velvet Valua and the underground. Isn't that interesting?
Speaker 2 (08:18):
I never knew made. It's like, like we've said, you
have always opened up to us, and we we really
appreciate it. Is the memoir from the Voice of Savage Garden, Unlovable,
It's out now Bye Darren Hayes. Thank you so much mate.
It's always a great team.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
I love coming in here. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Thanks a pleasure to meet you. Good to see you.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
Thanks Gate. Sits in Whippa with Kate Ritchie is a
Nova podcast walk great shows like this. Download the Nova
Player by the app Store or Google playing the
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