The number one thing people fight about in relationships

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
So do you know what is the number one cause
of fights among couples? Not the owner and fans, but
among couples.

Speaker 2 (00:10):
Now, are these married or people who are just in
a relationship?

Speaker 1 (00:13):
Just in a relationship, they can be married. The most
common reason couples.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
Fight, well, I don't know, because you know my approach
on things. And your husband thought this was I told
him this at Libby's birthday party and he thought it
was the most brilliant thing ever in all things. And
this is when you get seasoned in life. My approach
to whatever thing that is in front of me is
what do I want my life to look like thirty

(00:38):
minutes from now?

Speaker 1 (00:39):
So what does future Rob want to deal with? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (00:41):
And so it's really helped me. So I don't know
what do couples actually fight about?

Speaker 1 (00:47):
What is the most It's not money, nope, It's not sex, nope,
not parenting.

Speaker 2 (00:52):
I would hope if you're just in a relationship, you're
not fighting about those things, because that should be a
red flag.

Speaker 1 (00:57):
It is the tone of your voice. Oh yeah, the
sharp the sharp tone, maybe the eye roll a sigh.
Study say it's uh, that is the number one cause
of fights because you remember how it made you feel. Oh, yeah,
I've always been told that my looks have tones.

Speaker 2 (01:17):
Yeah, I've never actually, well, i've seen you mad never.
You kind of got mad at me the other day,
but I've never seen you like really mad before. I
think that'd be fun. That's gonna be my goal to
see if I can make you really.

Speaker 1 (01:28):
Mad at some point.

Speaker 2 (01:29):
I feel like it'd be like Ned. There's an episode
of the Simpsons where Ned Flanders, the do gooder neighbor
of Homer and the Simpsons, gets driven to insanity and
he just has explodes. I feel like that's how it
might be for you. I want to see if I
can just drive you to explode.

Speaker 1 (01:45):
You walked right up to that line the other day.

Speaker 2 (01:47):
I did, I know, and I knew, and I'm so good.
I've gotten so good at this point. I know, and
I've actually probably like done it. And then I told you,
oh sorry, yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:56):
You did you apologize? That was very nice.

Speaker 2 (02:00):
I once I got told this years ago by a girlfriend.
She said that she said, the problem with you is
your tone. It's your tone and right, and I said, well,
I always have the same tone. She said, that's the problem.
You're always a sarcastic ass to everything change your voice
that are supposed to be serious. I said, but everything's

(02:21):
funny to me. She said, that's the problem. That's why
this isn't working between us.

Speaker 1 (02:27):
Okay, Well, this study says that tone carries emotional weight,
and small changes in voice can feel like blame, indifference,
or condemned. You're very good with the condemn Well, this
is what.

Speaker 2 (02:40):
I told her, I said. Wait a second, I said, Well,
I said, you knew when we got together what you
signed up for or wherever we are six months into
this thing now or relationship or whatever. I said. She goes, well,
it was fun when we first started dating. It's not
fun now when it never changes, right.

Speaker 1 (02:58):
She expected you to solve and up over time.

Speaker 2 (03:01):
But I, in fairness, I told him when we started,
I said, Look, this is not an act. Huh, this
is what you're getting. This is I've told people many times,
in friendships, relationships, whatever, over the years, what you in
case you'll back me up on that. Now, what you
see is what you get. I am a sarcastic, contemptual ass.

Speaker 1 (03:18):
Okay, well, here's what you're supposed to do, Rob, I
need you to pay. It would have been healthful fifteen
years ago.

Speaker 2 (03:24):
But go ahead, pay.

Speaker 1 (03:25):
Attention to me, pause and correct it in the moment
you're supposed to say, sorry, that came out a little sharp,
Let me try again, or that's not how I meant it,
Here's what I mean. And just a few small tweaks
shows self awareness and can help avoid bigger fights.

Speaker 2 (03:47):
I got this with my wife the other night because
I did something and in my attempt to live by
my creedive, what do I want my life to be?
Uh huh thirty minutes from now? Yeah. I looked at
her and I said I'm sorry. Oh nice, and she goes,
I don't believe you, And I said, well, you're right,

(04:07):
you shouldn't. But what else do you want me to do?
I'm just trying to get out of this thing to
avoid the conflict. I've accepted responsibility, even if I don't
believe it's my responsibility. How can you be a better
husband than that?

Speaker 1 (04:19):
Okay, well, you admitted you were wrong, you took you know,
you apologize. Did you take corrective action? Did you change
your tone? Missing that third step? Rob? Well?

Speaker 2 (04:31):
But I don't think there really was corrective action. I
think she just wanted to be mad at me, and
then I took the bait and should have just found
a better way to get to the what do I
want my life to be thirty minutes from now? And instead,
because I wasn't really sorry, I said I'm sorry, and
then that just made it worse. Yeah, and then I
had to restart the clock and what I want.

Speaker 1 (04:49):
Right, If you need to reset the conversation, you need
to say, let's start over.

Speaker 2 (04:53):
Yeah, now I'm an hour into this thing.