An ACTUAL UFO Sighting

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hey, imagine that. Two millennials doing a podcast
to avoid legalizing The Purge. Yeah, probably because they
can't afford therapy. This is mostly true.
Opinions. Hi.
Hello. There also true opinions on
camera. That is KDK Comedy Hello.

(00:21):
We're here. How are you?
I'm wearing my Mr. Roger shirt today.
Yeah, How many compliments did you get?
Honestly, several my name. Is was it from people that have
never seen it before, 'cause it's not.
I mean, it's not like you wear it every Monday, but you know
you've worn it before. Somewhat frequently, yeah.
But I I ran into a lot of peoplethat I haven't seen in a long
time today at work. So it was new to them.

(00:43):
And it was new to them. OK.
They were very stoked about it and I realized because we're in
the process of potentially moving or actually moving, not
even potentially. Yeah, don't and.
Eat it like that, we're gonna fall out of escrow.
And I realized that, 'cause we packed like basically 90% of the

(01:05):
house and we both left. Like how how many clothes would
you say you left? I like 10 shirts and four pants.
Honestly, that's a lot less thanI have left.
You did better than me. You pared it down more than I
did. I I did not.
I do not have a ton, but basically what I do have is all

(01:28):
graphic T-shirts and that was a mistake.
I mean, I have like night shirtsand workout shirts, but not like
to wear to Zoom meetings or workor an audition.
And I've had a friend's 30th birthday this weekend at a very
fancy restaurant and I had a nice lunch today for her also

(01:53):
and was realizing, wow, I packedall of my clothes that would
have been appropriate for this event.
Yeah. So I was like, OK, great.
This weekend I had to go to Forever 21 and buy a shirt
because I didn't have a blouse for this restaurant.

(02:14):
I don't know what it is about the word blouse.
It does not feel accurate for you to say that.
OK. I I think it is accurate, but it
sounds like something an old lady would say.
I don't know. I know it's a very appropriate
thing. It's just a word.
I've always associated with somebody who's like 80, you
know, I'm gonna go get a blouse.Or like a corporate job.

(02:38):
Yeah, like, I don't know. It's giving like Pantsuit, but
it's not obviously. Yeah, that's a me problem, not a
you problem. So we've put ourselves in dire
straits for clothing. I could just, I don't know, do
laundry. Well, that sounds like a lot.
But not to world's Tiniest violin.

(03:02):
It's like, sure, I could do laundry, but I have Day job 2
auditions, podcast Plumber is coming.
One of the auditions is in fucking La Brea, like far 45

(03:23):
minutes away. Anyways, it's all happening at
once, people. It is all happening at once, So
much so. That I don't know when I'm
supposed to do laundry. Yeah, I don't think.
Well, remember a couple years ago when we got ourselves into
kind of a bind, we decided like,hey, let's just go take it to
get done and we dropped it off at like one of those Fluffinfold

(03:45):
places. Honestly, not worth it.
What? It wasn't worth it.
I. Thought we came to the exact
opposite conclusion and we thought it was very worth it.
Maybe in the moment, in hindsight, I feel like, I don't
know. By the time I I, excuse me, I
think by the time you get in thecar and do the whole thing, I

(04:08):
feel like, are you really savingthat much time?
Like maybe somebody, I think theones that like you set outside
your door and they come to your house and do them.
You're looking at it with reallydifferent colored glasses then.
I was gonna say rose colored, but whatever the opposite of
that is black. Glasses black rose colored.
Because it did save us a ton of time and I thought we came to

(04:31):
the conclusion that it was hellacheap.
I don't remember. Maybe I'm misremembering.
It was like a dollar, a pound orsomething.
I'm probably misremembering. And then it was just done and
hanging up in my closet, 'cause they folded it and hung it too,
and gave me new hangers. Yeah.
I mean, I guess now that you've mentioned it, maybe it was worth
it. I'm reselling myself on.

(04:52):
It maybe we should just do it all the time.
No, not all the time. Just like, yeah.
It's a slippery slope, I we don't have that kind of money,
right? That being said, it's tempting
at times. It just got, you know, fuck it,
swipe the credit card, get the laundry.
Done. It's also hard because we're not
really, we're trying not to livein our house very much.

(05:15):
We're trying not. I know we're trying not to mess
anything up. We're getting a deep clean and
we're trying not to like walk around.
Yeah, we're trying not to exist a lot.
It's hard. It's difficult.
I never knew how hard it would be to live in a house while not
living in the house. Yeah, it's just like we sleep

(05:35):
here and we try not to do anything.
Let's add to the list as we're talking right now.
Our house is officially on the market, baby.
Oh shit. Just got the e-mail.
Wow, are the pictures up? They're they're up.
And why the whole bed? Huh 'cause I haven't looked at
them. OK, it's up.

(05:57):
Buy now. Buy Now Now.
People are just gonna try to search.
It can. I get $1.00 one dollar one
dollar two $2.00. I saw a TikTok about like how to
properly be an auctioneer. Makes no sense.
It's all made-up. Do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah, like the guy walks you through it.

(06:20):
He, he And he's like, OK, so yousay one dollar $1.00 now $1.00
and then you go two dollar $2.00now $2.00 and then he just like,
it's like, but but you don't have to do that.
That's just what they decided auctioneers did.
OK, you know what I mean. Isn't that everything?
Yeah, one could argue that, but I also think it's like it's

(06:43):
needlessly obnoxious. Like, if you're an auctioneer,
couldn't you just go $1.00? Just wait, anybody?
2-2 dollars. Yeah, but they wanted to put a
little showmanship, a little pizzazz, I.
Guess I guess. God forbid they have fun with
it. Well, I'm you're allowed to have

(07:04):
fun with it. But what it's hard to understand
is the point I'm making. I don't know what they're saying
half the time. Not to the people that matter.
You ever done an auction? Bidding clearly know what's
going on. No, I've not.
Do I seem like an auction goer? I don't.
I I have never been for the record.

(07:24):
That being said, I think if we went we would both fold so
quickly. I feel.
I just would feel like it would stress us the hell out.
And we would never win. No.
'Cause we're not willing to pay more than other people.
Yeah, we'd like 2 bids and we'd go, no, it's not worth that.
And they would just keep going. Right.

(07:46):
Anyway, House is on the market. It's a little scary.
Why? It's just his the first time
we've ever done this. Yeah, that's true.
You know, new territory. And it's also like, I don't
know, we're putting the place that we live in up like.
Well. Little odd.
We have the lucky privilege of having a family member nearby

(08:12):
that we can live with my mom for, you know, a month or two if
that. If it comes to that.
We're manifesting that we find something while we are in escrow
on our home. Yeah, it'll happen.
So that the stars align and we don't even need to do that.
I'm trying to manifest that we we are in our new home by the

(08:33):
time we get the first offer on this one.
How realistic do we think that is?
It is a little weird though thatlike, I don't know, the whole
process is so outdated and weird.
And it's super fun that our schedules are opposite so we
can't see houses at the. Yeah, that's a oh, the Speaking
of like. You're off weekends and I'm

(08:54):
gone. Hello.
You're working during the day and I work from home.
Would you ever feel comfortable?Like let's say I went and saw a
house. I've thought of this.
And I was like, babe, this is the one.
If you Facetimed me from it and I got to see extensive video
footage, I think I would be comfortable writing an offer and

(09:17):
submitting an offer without stepping foot.
But between the offer getting accepted and escrow happening, I
obviously would be in the house and if I felt strongly, we could
fall out of escrow. You have to let me finish before
you before you cut me off. I would not be comfortable with
it that specific situation. Let me explain.

(09:38):
I would not be comfortable if I was the only one that saw the
house. But you're gonna have to fucking
get it together. I'm way more comfortable if
you're the only one that saw thehouse and you're like, babe
call, you know, you know, like your attention to detail is much
higher than mine. I feel like there's a chance

(09:59):
that, like, I would look at it and then we would do the whole
thing and then, you know, come moving day, you're like, oh, by
the way, did you notice there's no fucking toilets?
No. You know what I mean?
I think no. Also it's not just sight unseen.
I would be Facetiming you from the house or you would take like
videos of every room. I know it's still on.

(10:21):
It's nerve wracking. Yeah, I get that.
Anyway. You need to pull it together
though, you can't crumble this early.
I haven't. I know.
I haven't crumbled, I'm just trying to establish the
parameters for, well, how we're going to handle it.
On Wednesday I'm going to see three houses without you, so.

(10:42):
You may never come back. Fingers crossed for that.
Well, I'm sure it'll be fine. It's just weird.
It's like, I don't know, buying a car without somebody, you
know. We shouldn't make a habit of
this, but it's just is what it is because it's such a
competitive market that if we don't see it in a timely manner

(11:05):
and put an offer in like immediately, then someone else
is going to do it. Isn't it wild to think about
that? Like, there's some people that
exist in life who are in either a relationship or married or
whatever, who do the whole thingwhere they come home one day and
they're like, honey, I bought a car today and the other person
doesn't know. It's like, wow, huh.

(11:28):
Well, people do it as like a surprise.
How would you feel if one day, like say it was your birthday or
Christmas and I was like, got you a car?
I don't know. It depends on how much money you
have at that. Point.
I guess that's. True.
If you have a ton of money, thengifts start to change.
For the future, just for futuresargument's sake, any of these

(11:51):
fake scenarios I throw out assume I'm a multimillionaire.
OK, so. Yeah, then I think it'd be
exciting. But I would be annoyed if you
sold my car without telling me. Like if it replaced my car and I
didn't know, like if you got ridof the spark one day I'd be.

(12:13):
Like, what a weird suck. Maybe.
I kind of want to. What if I did it for a TikTok?
Would you be OK with it then if I got your reaction?
It was so good. Like, overnight, 10 million
views. No, because that doesn't
transfer to followers or money. So no.

(12:33):
And I've hit that before and I feel nothing.
Didn't your dad do that to your mom?
She he just got rid of the car. Oh, very frequently.
Very frequently. Like to the point where it was
never like a I I guess it was, Idon't know if it was a complete

(12:58):
surprise ever about getting rid of a car.
I think it was more so like my mom would have, my dad would
find a used car, right? That was designated as my mom's
quote, UN quote. She would drive it for like a
couple months, finally get to a point where she's like, I really
like this car. And then a couple weeks later,
he has it like listed on Craigslist.

(13:20):
Was it meant to be nice or was it a severe lack of
communication? I.
Don't know. Well, that's probably the latter
then, if you don't know. Well, I also wasn't Privy to the
all of that necessarily because I assume they talked about stuff
without me sometimes. I know, sure.

(13:42):
But also, how old were you And cars just came and went and you
had no idea if. It was supposed to.
Be a surprise or it? Was.
No. It was constant when I was a
kid. Every six months the the car
situation was different, maybe even more frequently than that.
These are the moments when I'm like, who hurt you like.
Me. The 'cause you're you're like

(14:06):
when you're talking about it, you're like, yeah, cars just
came and went constantly and it's like emotionally I'm
receiving it. Like when people have a single
mom that dates a lot of men and the guys are just in and out of
the house, you know? It's not all the same situation
as that. A single mom that works two
jobs. And fucks the whole neighbor.

(14:31):
I'm a survivor, Reba. Gotta get my voice ready for
tomorrow. What's tomorrow?
An audition where I sing. Hello.
Do you know what you're singing?What was it?
A Vanessa Carlton song. That's right, Michelle Branch.
Oh. Same thing, really.
Split in hair? They're.

(14:52):
The same person, kind of in my brain.
I filed them under the same thing.
I'm singing a parody of MichelleBranch.
The song's everywhere. I think yeah 'cause you're
everywhere to me but. Good news, the audition said.

(15:12):
Doesn't need to be a good singer.
Oh, OK, that's cool. I mean, that's good.
They want like a comedian doing a parody.
So it's me. Hey, Anyways, ridiculous.
Sorry. I I tried to deep it.
As they say about the cars. I mean, it's probably not that

(15:33):
deep. I don't.
I don't know. I don't think it is.
But I hold on to cars like I hold on to people.
Like I hold on to I think. Like I hold on to women, OK?
For for years. I don't know what to talk about.
First. We have well, for like 20

(15:57):
minutes today. You and I thought that we
witnessed history. I gotta say, that was a, you
know, a let down. I almost wrecked my car.
I don't even want to tell you how close I was to wrecking my
car like, you know you. You think you almost wrecked
your car? I almost killed.
Myself. Well, true.

(16:19):
It was close. It was a close call.
No, no someone. No something.
Sure. You almost drove into a wall.
Not a wall, no. I almost drove off the road.
You know, there's this off ramp like near our house that's
technically a truck route, but alot of us cool cars take it
because it's faster, it's betterfor you and.

(16:42):
I hate it when you take the truck.
Route, I know you do and that's kind of why.
I do so I think it's so dumb. It's mean.
It's so not. What are you talking about the
other day? I'm not.
I will die on this hill. I'm dying on it.
The other day when we the time that we drove separately home
from dinner and you took a picture of me like a staring

(17:05):
forward, yeah, yeah, I beat you home and you took the truck
route and I didn't. Yeah, because you drive
irresponsibly fast. That has nothing to do with me.
No, I specifically wanted to seewho which way was faster, and I
beat you by a long. It's not faster.
You're so wrong. No, no, no.
That's not how it works. OK?
It's like taking the inside laneon a Raceway.

(17:30):
Think about it, 'cause the trucklane is like over here and
you're going and you're like taking a right?
And then the regular one is likeway over here.
It's still right, but it's like whoa, way all round.
And this one's like in inside shorter.
Picture you're painting for all the people that have never been
on this road. Oh, they get it.
It's literally like, like I said, inside track of a
racetrack, inside lane of a racetrack.

(17:52):
OK, I fundamentally hate it and I bet the trucks that are taking
the truck route next to you hateit.
No, they love it. Sometimes they even get like a
little toot, toot and a wave. No, they're probably honking at
you to get the fuck out of theirway on their route.
No, I mean, that would explain why they wave with their middle

(18:12):
finger, but OK, no. And by the way, I know that it
bothers you. And you think there's sometimes
you think that. You think I don't know your
reaction to something, and I do.OK.
Anyway, the thing that happened was.
You were on the truck route and.I was on the truck route and I

(18:34):
look out of the corner of my eyeand see what I can only describe
as what I assumed was either a comet, a alien spaceship, or a
missile launch. And I started like, I I think I
asked you like, where are you right now?
Where's your car? And I was like on the road.

(18:55):
And you're like, you know, on the slower portion of the road
where you know, you normally take the truck route and I take
the normal highway and take it alittle slower.
And I was like, OK, so it turns out like we, we looked up, it
was like this. It's going so fast.
You were like look into the sky and I thought.
You whilst driving? And then I saw a giant plume of
smoke. And it was bright.

(19:17):
It was super bright. And this is like just after
sunset. It was very irregular, 'cause
you like you see planes. And if the sun is basically
down, it's not like the trail inthe sky is lit up.
This was still lit up. It was very weird.
And so I called you. And then you were like, I don't
even hang on. I see it, I see it.

(19:39):
I gotta go. 'Cause I wanted to record a
video, Yeah, and you can't record video while you're on the
phone. Which is a first of all, figure
that out, Apple. Yeah, but so we we both did
that. And then I kept, there were
people on the highway that pulled over and there's like
four or five cars in a row and people like, oh, with their

(20:01):
flashers on taking video. And I I was convinced like when
you hung up to take your own video, I was fully convinced.
We are witnessing this is aliens.
Me too. People are This is like watching
a movie. People are pulled over.
Where did you should have videoed the people pulled over

(20:21):
while you were videoing? Like shoot pan back and.
Forth, it was already really complicated, driving forward
while looking completely backwards.
You could have pulled over. I could have.
I did. I didn't want to annoy the
truckers, the other truckers on the route, you know.
But anyway, so we both took videos.
We started posting, we're freaking out.

(20:42):
And turns out, allegedly, there was a SpaceX launch today.
Here's the thing. Where the fuck are they
launching from? That's a good question.
Because I thought someone said San Diego or something that was
not San Diego, that was Los Angeles.
Now and then somebody else said I saw a post where they were

(21:05):
like, oh, out of Texas and I'm like.
No. That if that's true, I am blown
away. How close Texas looks?
Yeah, by considering the fact that it looks like it launched
at my house. Yeah, it definitely where it is.
There an air pad we don't know about, like I think an airpad,

(21:29):
whatever, Launchpad. Launchpad.
Yeah, Airpad air. You combine Airport and
Launchpad. Airpad and helipad.
Yeah, I'm sure there are. I'm sure there's several, but.
I fully thought it was aliens. I did too and frankly I'm a
little disappointed and. It went up in like a spiral
motion and diagonally across thesky.

(21:51):
And then it was like you could see in video we posted it.
You can also look up SpaceX launch.
It's all alleged, but it was like coning at the front.
'Cause it was going so fast and you said you thought it was
going to break the sound barrier.
Yeah, that's my professional opinion.
Yeah. No, it was I you.

(22:14):
Also thought we were getting a nuclear bomb.
You didn't. I mentioned that, I did, I said.
I thought we were either being it was like a nuke or a
Spaceship 2. Very rational things to just
jump to. Instead of satellite, yeah.
Cameron There's probably. Instead of an authorized launch,
that was television. There's probably, yeah, it was

(22:37):
all over the Internet, properly labeled.
But this is how misinformation spread.
By the way, I am the problem. I know I ran in America.
I ran to TikTok to tell people it was we're, we're.
Being attacked. For someone that looks at the
news every day, almost all day, I'm surprised you didn't know
about it. Yeah, I'm a little disappointed

(23:00):
at myself, I'm not gonna lie. Don't you monitor news sources
like? I do.
I think with this stuff, though,like, I there's a really big
part of me that like, really wanted it to happen.
Not the nuclear part, but like the alien part.
Yeah, because of we've heard a lot of reports recently, like
even alleged confirmations of alien life.

(23:22):
And and it would have been cool to see be a part of seeing it.
Right. And I also think that short of
war, anything else that can happen is something that like
the world just stops their shit and goes.
We're going to have to come together and figure that out.

(23:43):
And I don't like, I hope it goeswell.
That being said, I think either way it'll be interesting, but I
got to be careful what I wish for because we had a worldwide
pandemic. I didn't think that was terribly
entertaining, you know. So you want to see aliens, But
what if they take over Earth like that would?

(24:04):
That'd be a tough pillow. I imagine that would be
difficult. And then you'll be like damn,
Remember that time I went on record on my own podcast wishing
for aliens to come? I believe that they're listening
to this right now. I believe this is my message of
welcome and positivity. I believe they definitely don't
have time to listen to our podcast.

(24:26):
You're thinking about it too humanly, you know.
So linear. They have, I assume, much more
because this is what science fiction leads us to believe.
Aliens, because they're not fromhere, are automatically way
smarter. Sure.
You know, OK, so they figured out a way to listen to podcasts

(24:47):
while also just doing so many other things.
Unlike other people that do things while they listen to
podcasts. Not effectively, no.
Not effectively, anyway. I don't want to say I'm
disappointed, but I definitely am little bit.
Do you think I should take down my TikTok where I genuinely
thought it was aliens? Well, let's put it this way.
We never took down the podcast where we were like Covid's

(25:09):
basically the flu. I think we did take it down.
Maybe we did. I think that was the one episode
we've ever deleted. Well, for that reason, that was
just a joke then, 'cause it's nolonger in the history book.
So anyway, it was a very exciting time and I don't know,

(25:30):
I felt very connected to you in that moment and I'm sorry that,
you know, it didn't last very long.
Oh, good. What?
You feeling connected to me didn't last.
No, I mean the moment. The excitement.
The aliens are here. Sorry.
It didn't last. Long It's not what I meant.
I'm sorry that, like, the story is already over.

(25:53):
Yeah. You know.
It was kind of it. It was a let down to be like, oh
SpaceX. And it also felt like even
though there was this giant thing in the sky, that we were
the only ones seeing it. Do you know what I mean?
Like everyone look. Meanwhile, we look online and
all of the United States saw it.How did everyone else know?

(26:17):
Like you said, I think people are just aware of these things.
There's also like, you know how there's people who are like
super into bird watching. There's people who are super
into planes. There's people who know every
launch, every day it's gonna happen.
They have it. They're, you know, tune into the
live stream. They're doing a live stream of
their own, you know, So those people knew it was happening.

(26:40):
We obviously the plebes just didn't.
Yeah, it was exhilarating for a few minutes.
Unless it's a cover story, in which case you heard it here
first. All right, I have a question.
We do have mail. Time to get to Judge Judy,
obviously. I thought.

(27:02):
I thought this was an interesting thing to bring up.
So over the weekend I had to runand get some stuff at Guitar
Center, which in case you're unfamiliar, yes, Guitar Center
still open it seems like. RadioShack.
Like it wouldn't be. It does.
It smells like RadioShack. And when we walked in, you said

(27:27):
something along the lines of, like, I hate it here, or like
this place gives me anxiety. Yes, I said that.
And to be honest with you, like normally it's the kind of place
I like going. I used to love going to
RadioShack. I would sometimes go to
RadioShack without even having aplan to buy anything.
Sure. Guitar Center.

(27:50):
I feel used to feel that way. The we were in there the week I
just forgot how to talk. When we were in there this
weekend, there were like people strumming that didn't know how
to play. There were people drumming that
didn't know how to drum and it was just like a lot.
There were eight different instruments happening at once.
But it made me think of like, what is it for you listener?

(28:12):
And then obviously I have some places as well.
What is a store, a place or whatever that you're just like?
I can't be in here. JC Penney.
JC Penney's on your list, a big one on mine.
I will go if I have to. Craft stores.
You don't like Michael's or Hobby Lobby?
Nope. Or Joanne's it gives me.

(28:36):
RIP. Instant.
Yeah. Sorry, Joanne's not to put a
nail in the coffin. It gives me so much anxiety
going into those places because I don't like the way they smell.
I don't like the way they're lit.
It's very harsh, like fluorescent.
Even though there's signage and like aisles and stuff.
I feel like nothing's ever whereit's supposed to be.

(28:57):
It's not organized. It's also you're not buying
anything that's like done. So like you're buying just
pieces and it I just that bringsme anxiety.
And then I thought of another one when we were at the mall
this weekend, Forever 21. Do you hate Forever 21?
I cannot. I can't be in there.

(29:20):
I don't think anymore. OK.
And I think it's just it's like the weirdest.
I don't know. It's hard to describe, but I
think everybody has a place. Yeah.
You know, some people say Costco's like, too crazy.
I hate Home Depot. You hate Home Depot.
Why? 'Cause there's the same reasons

(29:40):
you don't like Michaels. You're just buying random pieces
of shit, OK? No one explains it.
And then if you do try to hunt someone down, they mansplain to
you and may or may not tell you to get the wrong door, do.
You know what I've noticed too? The last couple years when we've
gone to a Home Depot or a Lowe'sor something, yes, there's the

(30:02):
know it all guys that come by and are like, hey, Are you sure
you want to buy that screwdriverwhen you can buy this one?
Those people aside, I feel like when we go in and like, ask for
somebody's help, we're like, hey, what aisle is the lumber
in? They're like, I don't know.
And then they just walk away. Yeah, they don't go like, oh, I

(30:24):
think it's two. It might be 4.
Let me ask Bill. They just go somebody.
Could question. And he goes, oh, I'm not in that
department. And then he kept walking.
Yeah, OK, well, who is? I was at Home Depot a couple,
it's like 2 years ago now and I was trying to find a Christmas
light thing. I forget what it was.

(30:44):
I asked the guy, where are the Christmas lights?
No idea. Kept walking.
I'm like, OK, well, walk around with me.
I don't know. Take a guess.
And. Then I won't find out that
you're wrong till I get to that aisle.
Right. Just tell me something random
and I'll just walk away from you.
I totally agree. Yeah, I don't know.

(31:07):
It gives me anxiety. Isn't that weird?
Just random ass places. Is there any other place you can
think of? Those are my main ones I think.
I mean the other ones are like the DMV, the post office.
Yeah, that makes sense. Speaking of our government, I

(31:29):
got jury duty. Oh yeah.
Oh no. And we deferred it.
We deferred it. I got in the mail again.
Now another jury duty and I'm supposed to be out of town doing
shows. And I just want to know if I can
send them an episode of this podcast as proof that I

(31:50):
shouldn't be on a jury. We probably can, yeah.
Can they look up my footprint online and do the background
check of all the times I've saidjudgment to the plaintiff?
Shove something up your ass? If my form of justice are the
Judge Judy moments, then I'm notqualified to be on a jury.

(32:10):
Let me go. But maybe that's the kind of
justice they're looking for. Well, in which case I'm happy to
serve the country I do. I OK.
Or what is it, Carson? Or where am I going?
Chatsworth. Chatsworth Where is Chatsworth?
West somewhere. West.

(32:32):
Yeah, it's like West. Towards the water.
Yes. Between US and the ocean.
No, I'll. I'll explain it to you on a map
later. It's W Passporter Ranch.
Sure. On the 1:18 I believe it could
be. You should map it.
Don't just trust me. Could be east.

(32:54):
Maybe it's South? OK.
Two things, two-part question. Yeah.
Number one, don't you think it makes perfect sense to, I don't
know, maybe tell somebody they have jury duty more than like a
week out? Yeah.
'Cause we got this thing in the mail, and I have been checking
the mail. You have been checking the mail
'cause we are looking for, we'rewe're expecting a couple

(33:15):
different things and so we've been checking it more regularly.
If if we weren't, we'd probably check it once a week.
Still a week out? What if I?
What if I missed the date by like a day and was like oh shit.
I know. And it's literally like seven
days, 8 days notice. How does that work?
How is that fair? How?

(33:36):
Does like if you don't make it, you could suffer a fine or jail
time, jail time. So that was first part question,
isn't that ridiculous? Second part question.
If somebody were to tell you youcould make $150,000 a year to be
a professional juror, No. See, I couldn't figure out where

(34:01):
you land on that cause passing judgment.
Allah. Judge Judy's Moment of the Week.
Yeah, I make snap decisions. I don't want all the fucking
pussyfooting around in mumbo jumbo of like 17 days in court
and all this arbitration And there's so I did it only for 72

(34:22):
hours last time I did like 3 days or whatever.
Oh my God, we never even got to anything good.
It's so much bullshit. I could have called it in the
1st 30 seconds. It was a hit and run.
Fuck that guy. Dead electric chair.
Death by firing squad. Death by hit and run.

(34:46):
Give it back to him. So, you know, I don't think I'm.
I don't think I'm meant for this.
I have another question. What if we were in Europe right
now? What if we were on vacation?
That's what I'm saying. Like, what if we were out of the
country and the jury duty came and I It came and went and I was

(35:06):
out of the country on vacation? I have another question.
OK, how is it? Like e-mail it?
No. Well, yeah, that would be way
more effective. Or text it.
You get text alerts from the city when there's a flash flood
warning. Why is it not?
You know, my other question, whyis it that you have gotten jury

(35:29):
duty 1000 times and I have gotten it never?
Because the people know which one of us is more litigious do.
You think? Do you think there's an actual
process behind it or it's random?
No, I think it's just I also gotit because my last name was
Kusile and now my last name is Wolf Schleger, and I feel like I

(35:49):
got put back into the fucking. I feel like because my last name
changed, I got put into the poolagain.
But I was never in the pool to begin with it.
Feels like no. Yeah, I don't know.
Do you think? It's some sort of punishment
like. Google How?
How does jury? How does jury duty selection

(36:13):
occur? What is the process of getting
selected? Jury duty selection.
Is it a lottery? I don't get it.
Duty selection work. OK, well great.
You know, that's not really the answer.

(36:33):
I'll have to look it up later. I guess we'll never know.
Well, the the two options are like, you just sit in silence
and wait for me to actually findthe result that we want or we'll
just do it later. It's not obvious.
Super, you know, upfront. But yeah, I don't get it.
You have had it so many times. I have had it none times.
You take this one, please. It's 2024.

(36:55):
They don't know if you're Katie Walsh Lager.
Maybe I should just show up? With my ID and be like this is
me. I am her.
Thank you. You're in town.
And then that comes off crazy enough where they're going to
go, you're dismissed, and then we both win.
Or they're going to keep you because it's 2024 and they're
trying to be inclusive. I know how you can get out of

(37:16):
it. You go on and go.
You guys are lucky I'm here today.
I saw aliens the other day. Dismissed.
Everybody knows it was a SpaceX launch conspiracy theorist.
Here's the thing. If you say you 'cause the, it's
part of it is like if you're taking care of kids or taking
care of an elder, yeah, how do they know if I'm taking care of

(37:39):
my mom or not, like? I guess they don't, right?
I think the only thing that would raise a red flag is that
if every time you dismissed yourself, it was the same
excuse. So like if you got this summons
once a year for five years and every time it was like taking

(37:59):
care of my mom. Right.
But what if the whole five yearsmy mom is an elderly person that
needs to be taken care of? That would.
Probably might ask some questions and then you know
ultimately determine that, but Ithink that would be like the
initial red flag. OK.
It's like when you get audited for taxes.
Like there was something that caught their attention.
You still might be legitimate, but they have to start asking

(38:22):
you. So you just gotta shuffle up the
excuses, OK? Or just don't show up.
You can also just throw it in the trash.
Pretend like we never got it. I don't think that works for
people. That'll be fine.
Sure, a lot of people do it. I don't want to warrant out.
There already is 1, so that's the flaw.

(38:42):
That's the flaw in your logic. All right, give me mail time.
All right. Welcome.
You you you you got mail. You you you you got mail.
Goodbye. Oh.
Shit. Sorry.
Got it. Was that short?

(39:04):
What? Music just really fucking came
out my eardrums. You've changed since the alien
encounter. This one's from Myra, who sent
us a message at most at your opinions on Instagram.
Ha ha ha ha ha. I love how Katie won't eat

(39:26):
anything close to the expirationdate.
Thank you. But it's totally fine with
Cameron to use his beard trimmeron his face after using it on
The Dirty carpet stairs. Love you guys from Myra.

(39:47):
OK. Yeah.
Solid. That's a good point, right?
I it's metal and you just soak it into.
Alcohol. Oh, is that?
Yeah. What kind of alcohol?
Rubbing alcohol. Jose Cuervo.
Whatever, I get the point though.
It should be noted. She's all wrong.
Should be noted that Myra also spelled KDKAT.

(40:12):
Y Oh no, Myra, you're dead today.
But also to just further my point, because I think I'm still
right, is I'm ingesting things close to the expiration date.
You're not ingesting the razor. It's just on the outside of your
body do. You want to stand by that?

(40:33):
What do you want to stand by that?
I think it's sound logic. All right, if the dog shits in
the bed, you just have to sleep on it.
It's not going in your mouth. It's not.
It's just on your body. I wasn't putting dog shit by
your mouth. I know, I'm just saying.
Same logic, you know. OK, whatever.

(40:53):
That being said, I haven't used it yet.
I probably will after I clean itright 'cause that's how you get
like pink eye, I assume at the very least.
At the very least. When you shave your eyebrows.
Yeah, I shave my eyebrows. Oh.

(41:14):
There's a little eyebrow attachment and like, you know.
Do. You.
Yeah, It's called mowing my facelawn.
I mean this with all the love inthe world, It's unclear that
you've ever groomed your eyebrows.
They just seem big. They don't.

(41:38):
You gonna stand by that? I don't know.
I guess I don't know what they would look.
Like you never groom your eyebrows.
They seem big. I don't know what they would
look like if you stopped grooming them, so maybe I've
never seen. Them You don't fucking want to
know. It would be a giant eyebrow.
I wouldn't be able to say. You like it would be massive.

(41:58):
OK. So clearly you do shave it then.
Yeah, every fucking hour. No, every day.
You do it every day. At least every other day,
probably. Yeah.
Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
My hair goes fast. This is well documented.
Yeah. Several court cases.

(42:19):
OK. Well, thank you, Myra.
You haven't died yet, by the way, from the spice cabinet.
No, but they're all in the trashnow anyways.
I dug a few out. OK.
Yeah. Ready, Jude?
Yeah, Do you? Listen to me very carefully.
I know everything, and I want you to stop talking.

(42:42):
You're a moron. So is your mother.
You are an example of why peopleshould have to take tests before
they're allowed to have children.
Do you get it? We went to two open houses this
weekend and I don't know if there's like a gas leak in Santa
Clarita and all of the Realtors are just on fucking Quaaludes or

(43:07):
something. I don't understand but.
They're on ludes. I don't know, but I can't even
pick which Realtors, so I'm justgoing to do both.
We go to the first one and we had high hopes cause the
pictures looked good. Just kidding.
We get in and it's a sloppy flip.
The door knobs, door handles areall crooked.

(43:28):
The paint is like still drying and dripping off the walls.
It's dirty. It's dusty.
It's musty. It's gross.
And the woman as we come in. Hi.
Welcome. Yeah, you'll notice it's a
little dirty because we really came down to the wire with the
flip and we have the contractor leave literally this morning.

(43:51):
So we didn't have time to do a deep clean.
And I was like, no one literallyasked you that information
first. I could have surmised that you
didn't have time for the deep clean, but you didn't have to
tell me that. The contractor literally left
this morning, also leading me tobelieve before I all of the
crooked items that you have asked certain parts of this to
get him out of the house. You were just like slap it all

(44:12):
together and call it good. Then we go out to the deck and
she goes, yeah, we were going tomake the deck bigger, but then
we didn't. And then we see a fourth
bedroom. Yeah, that fourth bedroom used
to be connected to the house, but then we put the wall there
so it only has outside access and you can't access the fourth

(44:33):
bedroom from the rest of the house.
So, to clarify, you turn it intoa fucking shed.
And I'm like, she's having verbal diarrhea, clearly.
Or she thinks she's selling the house smelled it, had shitty
shoddy ass finishes. They fucked it all up and then

(44:53):
she told us about all the fuck ups.
OK, Also you build it as A2 car garage.
It's A1 car garage. So we were just like, OK, bye.
We go to a second open house. It smells like piss and smoke
and death and the lady we walk in.
I clearly had a visceral reaction to the smell.

(45:16):
I couldn't hide on my face, and the first thing the realtor says
to us is the seller's willing togive you a credit for the
cosmetic changes AKAI know I'm seated in a giant steaming turd
and I've lost my nose hairs frombeing at the open house for
three hours. Got it?
Buy then. Also, that's a huge part of

(45:39):
like, going to open houses. And the reason I'll never
understand how a human being could ever buy something sight
unseen because you can't smell aphoto.
And it's also, yeah, smell, energy, all of it.
Then, as if that wasn't scarringenough, we see one last one and
we drove by it. It was not on the Internet like

(46:00):
listing. We had no idea.
We just saw the sign and we're like wow, we like this area.
We pull up to this house that looks small at 1st and then we
realize it's a seven bedroom compound.
We just couldn't tell from the outside.
So we immediately have regret because it's like a $2,000,000
house. We don't couldn't afford it.
In our wildest dreams, there's no chance, right?

(46:23):
But we're just looking around for the sake 'cause we got out
of the car. Yeah, and open houses can be fun
even if you can't afford them. It could be like, oh, this is
what we aspire to have someday. Well, no.
It was a giant brown turd of a seven bedroom house.
It was like stuck in like 4 different decades and
mismatched. Every single room had weird

(46:43):
fucking finishes. It was really weird.
It was super bizarre, but the realtor is where I almost
chucked myself into the pool face down.
It was so aggressive. He comes up to us.
Hi. Yeah, this isn't my listing.
This is my buddy's listing. And he called me late last night
saying he couldn't be here. So I'm here.
Anyways, what are you looking for?

(47:06):
And then we say, Oh yeah, this is actually too big for us.
We just wanted to look around 'cause we got out of the car.
Thanks so much. He blocks our bodies from
leaving the door. He blocked us in a room with his
body, and then we finally had togo.
Anyways, we're going to head out.
And then he goes, no, no no. So yeah, like the the seller

(47:26):
wants you to buy and like buy from him so he still owns the
house but pay him the mortgage AKA rent like.
Right. He wants you to buy the house.
It's like rent to own furniture.Right.
And. And he runs a business out of

(47:46):
the giant warehouse in the back that's, quote, UN quote car
parts. Got it.
I don't see a single car insight.
He smuggles drugs. Got it.
It was so unhinged and so sketchy.
And then he kept revealing different stuff about the house
that was sketchy. He was like, on paper, it's five
bedrooms, but as you'll notice, there's seven bedrooms.
And I was like, OK, so two of the bedrooms aren't permitted.

(48:09):
Got it. He goes in real life.
It has seven what? And then I thought we were in
real life. It would be good if you had
brothers. This house is only good for
someone that wants brothers to live here.
Your whole family. It was so fucking weird.
The other realtor was like, yeah, do you guys have kids?

(48:30):
This would be good for a place for kids.
I said no. Oh, well, you know, eventually
no. No.
Don't assume that I'm buying this house to make spawn.
Yeah, I want to buy a fucking house for just me and you and
the dogs and the cast anyways. And guests.

(48:51):
He was so deranged he wouldn't let us leave.
You start walking out and he goes, wait, wait, I have more
questions and you go, we have togo.
So then because I accidentally signed in when we came in with
my fucking phone number, guess who called me twice today,
texted me twice, and then sent me an inspirational meme?

(49:12):
No. He didn't.
No, he did. Do you have it?
It's enjoy the process. It's like an enjoy the process
of finding your house meme. I blocked him.
I blocked his number now. So it just.
Deleted. Oh no.
Yeah, it did. It deleted the message after I

(49:34):
blocked him. That's so weird.
But yeah, he sent me an inspirational meme about
enjoying the journey to finding your house.
That's the thing. If I don't answer your call the
first time or your text the first time, don't call again.
Don't text again. I already told you fucking in.
Person I'm not interested. Also, we basically ran from you.
Yeah, We basically pushed past you and ran away from you.

(49:57):
We also told you that the house wasn't in our budget, even a
little bit. We were very honest that we oh,
we've made a mistake. This isn't for.
US very forthcoming. So stupid, forthright judgement
to the plaintiff. I don't know what fucking gas
chamber these Realtors are standing in before they do an
open house that makes them so loopy and like unresponsive to

(50:20):
normal logic. But Jesus Christ, take your
shoddy flip. Take your insistent behavior and
your unsolicited phone calls andshove them up your ass.
Do you get? It, you know what it reminded me
of? And I just realized this like a
house that the sister Wives would own or like that you would

(50:42):
see on one of those shows it it gave compound energy.
Where you have, yeah, a wife in each.
Yeah, didn't it? Yeah, maybe it was, maybe.
And there were, there was this giant warehouse in the back and
he was like, they run a businessback there.
It's still running right now. And it's like, no, it's very

(51:03):
empty. Dude, was it a drug business?
I said, I just said that I know it.
It was supposedly car parts. OK, well, I don't see a single
car part or a car. And you say the business is
still running. I don't get it.
It was very What is it? Walter White?
The meth. Yeah, Walter White.

(51:24):
I know, Not Breaking Bad. Yeah, Breaking Bad.
Yeah, there was some Breaking Bad energy about it.
There was. It was Breaking Bad meets Sister
Wives. So we bought it?
No. So it's our new house,
basically, is what we're trying to say.
Oh man. Well, thanks for bearing with us
through the craziness, y'all. Catch me in actual court,

(51:46):
apparently. As the juror this time as
opposed to the defendant all theother times or the
representation of the defendant,OK, it's OK.
So if somebody said $150,000 a year, you could be the judge.
Oh fuck yeah. Would you do it for less?
Yeah. Would you do it for free?

(52:06):
No, I do this for free. And the world is thankful for
it. Court is adjourned.
Amen shout out to our alien friends.
Hope you enjoyed this episode. Meep, Moop, Subscribe to Mostly

(52:27):
True Opinions on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you
listen to podcasts.