Making a change: advice on raising a transgender child

Facing puberty, fitting in at school. It can be hard work for kids. But it's harder still for children who feel they're in the wrong body. Katy Gosset looks at raising a transgender child.

Growing up, facing puberty, fitting in at school. It's all hard work for kids. But it can be harder still for children who feel they're in the wrong body. Katy Gosset looks at raising a transgender child

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Tom* was three years old when he started asking for male genitalia.

At the time his parents thought he was a girl.

Tom's father, David*, said his child's sense of who he was arrived along with the ability to communicate.

"As soon as she could verbalise gender, it was obvious that she was a he."

And as time passed, it was also clear this was no passing fad.

"At first my wife and I thought that we had a tomboy but it's way beyond that."

So much so that his child was uncomfortable with a girl's body, preferring to bathe wearing underpants.

"For me it's sad when you see a kid not being able to take a bath. It's obviously a coping mechanism."

Last year Tom started primary school - as a boy.

David said there had been some grieving by the family but as Tom's happiness improved, theirs did too. One big moment was Tom's first hair cut as a boy.

"The weight that came off our child's shoulders, the sense of acceptance, the excitement."

For eight year old Juliet* it was a similar experience.

Her mum Ana* said her son was always different from his brothers. She recalled him first telling her how.

"She was jumping on our couch wearing a tutu and she was saying "I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl" and at the time he was a boy to us".

Juliet gradually became unhappy with her life as a boy.

"Things got difficult and bad and there were tummy aches and cries. And then the crying became every night and the tummy aches became severe."

At first Ana thought her son might be gay.

"I was very comfortable with the idea that he may grow up to be a gay man. I thought his life would be happy and society was making progress and that by the time he was an adult he would be fine."

But doubts lingered.

"In the back of my mind there was a small and dark thought: "As long as he's not uncomfortable with his body."

Finally, Juliet went back school after the summer break one year, but this time as a girl.

Ana said, while the school was very supportive, not everything went smoothly…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details